Episode 14 - The Devil Got Ammo Too

Baby I trust and believe in God with all of my heart but the devil has power too.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, y'all. Thanks between theend to fight to visit your podcast and
I am your host Jazz. Imean, okay, y'all, so this
episode, if you hadn't listened tomy previous episode, I challenge you stop,
come out of this one and thengo listen to that one first,
then come back to this episode.Kay alright, thank you. So in

(00:23):
the last episode, I was justspeaking on how like I've been struggling with
my mental health and everything. Right, so I kind of wanna piggyback off
that episode because when I was speakingabout the self sabotage, where your thoughts
when you get to thinking all thesenegative things about yourself or whatever, they're

(00:45):
not true, Like they're just nottrue. But the devil will get in
your mind and play on your weakness, play on your vulnerability. Right,
the devil will see that because thedevil got some am to y'all. Try
said it best. I put mytrust off in the Lord. Please don't
get me wrong, but baby,the devil got some stuff too. The

(01:07):
devil got some power, okay,and the devil got the power to get
in your mind and have you thethinking that, guess what, you're not
good enough, You can't do it. That's not gonna work. I feel
like I DIDNET missed out on somany great opportunities. I missed out on
so many great opportunities. Why becauseI felt like I wasn't good enough or

(01:30):
I wouldn't do good. I don'tknow why I thought that. I don't
know why I thought that. Becauseanything that I put forth to do,
I do a damn good job.Bety y'all excuse me, lord, I
do a good job. But guesswhat that DEVI would get in my head,
y'all, and he would he wouldconvince me. And I'm gonna say
this because I ain't even told HarryIs. But baby, even with this

(01:51):
job that I just got it,just got the job, matter of fact,
I just I ain't. I justcame out to training. But y'all
already called in the first day ofproduction. I called in because I convinced
myself that I wouldn't be able toget through it. I'm reading the chants,
you know, the work chat formy coworkers, and I'm reading the

(02:14):
issues that they're having on the calls, right, and I convinced myself,
I'm like, you know what,I'm not gonna do it. And I
called in, y'all. Be manybills as I got. We're trying to
move Christmas DeMar hell, and hereI am calling out for my job because
I'll convince not me, the devilconvinced me that I couldn't do my job

(02:35):
properly, y'all. Is real.It is so real. And I think
I little have to do with theanxiety too, because I'll I'll start freaking
out and I'm like, oh,Lord, what did this person call in
and say this? So what didthey call in? And I can't get
through the system, you know?Or what if somebody call in and cuss
me out? Or what? What? What if? And you know what
I said? You know what,I can't. I'm just not gonna do

(02:58):
it. I'm not gonna do it. Like I'm laughing and joking about it,
not y'all. But this, Ithis is like a real struggle,
like when I was saying in theother episode. When I was saying in
the other episode, like it's astruggle to do like the basic task,
y'all. Like because i'm'a say this, and Lord, I don't mean to
come off it's ungrateful or in anythinglike that, because I am thankful for

(03:23):
anything the Lord put in my path, right, So the work from home
thing, it sounds so good,y'all. And baby, before I got
into this whole work from home thing, I thought it was the place to
be. I was like, somebody, please put me on with a work
from home job. Ooh that wouldbe perfect. Ooh working from home.

(03:46):
I'm at home, I can hellno, hell no. That was.
Working from home was hell for me, y'all because, like with the first
work from home job I had,they were paying fifteen dollars, y'all.
It was cool. I was like, all right, this is gonna work.
But mind you that both of mykids were in school of Courgetarian in

(04:08):
elementary, but Juice was going todaycare. Well, hell now she's not
in daycare. And when I endup pulling her out of daycare, I
was still working for the little watercompany, y'all. Juicy corns are coming
in in there in the in mylittle work space, in and out.
Mama got to use the bathroom.And now, mind y'all, I'm dealing

(04:30):
with people trying to get their waterbill, well, not paying their water
bill, but they're trying to getthat water turned on. Uh, you
know, trying to start water services. Some of these people water they j
d been disconnected. So now you'redealing with anger customer. Then now juice
are coming in here asking for juiceor goy use the bathroom. Y'all that
shit drove me crazy, like itdrove me crazy. And so I'm like,

(04:56):
so the whole calling in and stuffstarted with that job and Terry winning.
Even though child, I will callin and I'll flood so hard,
like if he came home on brokeor somebody that, I'll put them heads
heats on my head, like I'mreally at work, just because and and
and I was only doing that becauseI guess I didn't want him to look
at me like, damn, youlazy or you don't wanna work, which

(05:17):
it's probably what he think anyway,But who cares, because I know that
I'm not lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just tired here. Like I
said in the the last episode,i am tired. I'm mentally exhausted because
aside from work, of course,right, I'm a mother to two kids,

(05:38):
I'm a wife. Right. Idon't even know who the hell Jasmin
is. I don't know. Idon't even know what's my favorite color.
I don't know my favorite food.I don't know nothing about myself no more,
I don't know what I like,y'all, because it's like I can
I don't have the ability to thinkclearly because I'm be so overwhelmed. I'm

(05:58):
talking about simple stuff as what I'mgonna eat, y'all. It been times
where I'll go in it in thekitchen, right and it's like I'm hungry.
I'll go in the kitchen and it'slike I can't decide on what I
wanna eat. I I it's like, oh, I'm hungry, I wanna
cook some but I don't feel likecooking. I want this, but then

(06:19):
I ain't got this to go withit. And guess what I'll do,
y'all. I become so overwhelmed withdeciding on what to eat, I won't
eat, and then I go aboutmy day and then by the end of
the day, I'm sick and itgot sick to the stomach, and then
I'm wondering, like, oh,why I'm feeling so sick. That's cause
I ain't ate nothing. That's causeI haven't eaten anything, and so it

(06:42):
it. It may not seem alot to y'all, but it's a struggle
for me. It's a struggle forme. And then it's like I feel
like nobody understands where I'm coming from. Yeah, I was seeing a therapist
and she was real good or whatever. She was the one who even you
know, helped me with the ideaof the podcast. And I'm gonna say

(07:04):
she she ch she do charge onehundred and fifty dollars an hour right for
a session. Uh, I ain'tgonna say I always paid the one fifty
cause she did it, just theprice over there. But I felt like
going to see her in that moment, Like during my session, I felt
good, like letting the stuff outover there. But when I leave and

(07:24):
go back home, I just wouldfeel like that whole appointment was in vain.
Like what my friends said, youwould expecting her to work a miracle.
I get. So, I getso like I a the therapist is
to to help you, like talkthrough it and and you know, do
little exercises and stuff to help youcome to a conclusion. You know,

(07:45):
help you realize some stuff. Theydon't just snap their fingers and then you're
fixed. You know, it isa process. But I'm thinking like for
a hundred fifty dollars a hundred.I don't uh, I don't feel like
I am just getting everything out ofthese sessions that I hoped for. So
that's why I felt like I neededto take it a a step higher to

(08:07):
someone who can, you know,actually help me manage my man. Okay,
y'all, I'm I know I donegot all off topic, but basically
what I was saying, how Iwas just just just mentally tired and just
can't get through the day or whatever. And then I'm gonna even put y'all
in my business a little bit.But I'm only doing this to just show

(08:28):
y'all, just to just to showy'all, like how did the Devil works?
Like I I want y'all to know, like the Devil got some Almo
to y'all. So me and Terrykind of we had a little spits back.
We had a little argument, right, and like I was telling y'all
in my last episode, like Ish I sh I'm I had been struggling

(08:52):
with trying to find happiness, tryingto find peace. So it did come
off like I'm irritated all the timehere I was I I I It came
out like I was angry. Itjust just miserable. And so when me
and Terror was kind of like arguing, he brought that up and he was
like, you always you ain't neverhappy, You never happy, and I

(09:15):
was like, dang. So initiallyit did hurt coming from my husband,
right, it hurt coming from him, But at the same time, I
felt like it was the ugly truth. I felt like dang to hear that
from him. I can tell oh, well, you know, I tell
you I'm dealing with anxiety and dada dah, but it it sounds like
I'm using it as an excuse.So even in that moment when he said

(09:39):
that, like you ain't never happy, Da da dad, I started to
feel like, you know what,maybe you're right I'm not, and maybe
I can't be the wife that youneed me to be. I'm not,
I said maybe, and then Iturned to to her, I can't be
the wife you need me to be. I'm so fucked up in the head.
Excuse my language, and Lord forgiveme, but I'm just trying to
exp express myself. I can't bethe wife you need. I'm not the

(10:03):
wife you need because I'm so messedup in the head. I got issues
that I need to figure out andand and it's so much pressure being Yeah,
he might the tom look at atat some look at the man as
the head of household. But honey, the woman is what is who holds
everything down and keep everything together.You know. The man might go to

(10:26):
work and and and make the mostmoney and come home and say he'll pay
the bill. But guess what itis A it's it takes a toll on
your mental wind. You got tofigure you gotta remember what bills need to
be paid. Okay, the kidsis growing out of their clothes, especially
Juicy. Every time I wake up, I feel like Juice then grew a
little bit more. She's right behindstink and shoe size. So it's like

(10:46):
I have to worry about that,the clothes, and da da da da
da. And that's when that anxietykick in. It's like I got to
worry about this and that and thisand that and this and that. But
then all the man has to dois go to work, come home.
You know what I'm saying. Sowhen he said that, I did get
I I felt so I felt itwas so much emotions going through me because

(11:07):
at the same time he's telling thetruth. I couldn't get add at him
because you're telling the truth. I'mnever happy and that's something that I am
trying to work through. But inthat moment, I felt like, you
know what, the devil. Thedevil got some good stuff because he came
through my husband to say that,and he meant for me to flip out.

(11:28):
Because if y'all know me for thedog, for those of who know
me, y'all know, I wouldhave took it there. I would.
I would have shown him howdy.But guess what that when he was saying
that, and I could feel Iwas getting ready to have that out of
body experience, I started talking toGod, God, come on, turn
around. I know that I maycome off like I'm not happy, but

(11:50):
I know that I'm praying and I'masking God to help me get through it.
I know that I'm trying. Iknow that I'm I'm doing. I'm
trying to do a little small taskto help me overcome this this whole little
darkness I'm in. You see whatI'm saying. Terry didn't even realize that.
You know, that twenty year anniversarywas coming up. He didn't even
realize that because I didn't share thatI didn't say that. I kept that

(12:13):
to myself because I don't like tellingpeople certain stuff because against what they'll use
it as a weapon against you.And in that moment, I felt like
the devil used Terry. He usedTerry to attack me, you know,
and how he did that was theone thing or one of the things,
the main things that I'm struggling with. I felt like Terry used as a

(12:37):
weapon against me to just to getme out of character. But I'm I'm
so thankful for the power of God, y'all. I'm so thankful for the
power of prayer, because I startedpraying Lord No. Back to that scripture
I read, and now, y'all, I wrote it down because baby,
it's just hit different. And whenit says the and what was it proverbs?

(12:58):
Uh, it was proverb, butthey said when the wicked increased,
transgression increases. But the writers willsee their downthough. Now, I couldn't
let what he said made me somad that I make I couldn't let what
he said to me get me soangry that I retaliated, right, And

(13:18):
then I would have regretted it becausewhy did I let that get me out
of character like that? You knowwhy let why let the devil uh make
me cut terarry dreads or put aknife to this door. You know,
I say stuff, you know Iand I thank God for that. That's
progress, y'all. That's how Iknow God is working on me right.

(13:41):
And I'm reading this book and it'sreally been helpful. I use this as
a as my guide every my guide. Every morning, I get up and
I read me a chapter in thisbook. And then she has Bible scriptures,
you know that relates to the thatshe's speaking of in the name of
the book, and I think Igot it from Ali's what Ali's uh,

(14:07):
y'all know, Alis the Little bargainStore. But it's called the Healing Name
of Jesus, and it said findfreedom from depression and anxiety. Baby Genita
page that's her name. And whenI tell you baby she uh with her
sharing her struggles and what she wentthrough and being a a a wife of

(14:28):
a pastor. It's just amazing tome. But one thing she said in
here is do not let satan theworld or your own mind trick you into
thinking God has not into thinking Godhas not built a way through it.
However, the pal may not looklike what you expect. So yeah,
we might be going through it hardand everything like that, but guess what,

(14:50):
God had already made our path.He already know our destination. Y'all.
Keep God first. Thank you fortuning in, see ya later Bye,