May 15, 2023 • 28 mins
The Four Souls co-hosts are back for another episode. We are simply calling this episode the Check-in? So Souls…can we check-in? We are taking some time to check-in and make sure our sisters are ok! This episode is short and sweet but so very important. Have you checked-in with your soul sisters, family, and friends? Let's check-in!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hello and welcome back to the FourSouls Flow podcast. This podcast is going
from friendship, family and love.We are Alison, Kim, Susan and
Tish, women who have let oursouls flow with every girl's trip, phone
call and milestone for thirty plus years. The Four Souls Podcast is committed to
having conversations that will encompass real talk, real life, and real love.
(00:27):
Now get ready, take a seatand join us. Now let's flow.
Welcome to the Four Souls Flow Podcast. Hey girlfriend, Hey, how you
doing? What's popping? Girl?You hanging in there? These are the
questions that we're asking today because thisepisode we are titling the check in.
(00:55):
It's just sometimes it's just time tocheck in. Absolutely, And you know,
we spend a lot of time asa foursome pressing this podcast and doing
the work, the good, goodwork of this podcast. But sometimes even
in the work, the work isnot the check in all the time.
(01:17):
Absolutely, all right, the workis the work sometimes. So yeah,
so I'm just I'm starting by checkingin. I really do me that,
Alison, what's going on? What'spopping going on? I've just been working
like everybody and um doing things thatkeep me busy. All week long,
(01:38):
and um, but I'm doing well. I can't complain. That's what you
want to hear, isn't then well, I can't complain trying to keep everything
even and breezy and light. Comeon, Unba, keep positive, Yeah,
(02:00):
and just doing what I gotta do, Just pressing on, honey.
And but everything's going good. Youknow, how about you? How you
doing, Kim? What's going on? Listen? I'm doing I'm living a
fifty five life. You know.I'm telling you something. I really feel
it. I feel this year.I feel fifty five in so many ways,
(02:21):
good and bad. You know bad, I'll say, not bad,
but changing. You know, allof the things that change you at this
midtime in your life, but alsoall of the things that you're happy about.
You joyful that you've grown enough forSo I've just been intentional, That's
what I've been. Yes, I'vebeen intentional with relationships, my parenting.
(02:44):
I've had to get my girls allpull together, and intentional about that,
but also intentional about the joy.Yes, you know, I've been taking
I've been taking staycations. I ain'tgotta go but around the corner. But
I'm just gone going. I justneed wine yes, and take care of
(03:07):
yourself. Yeah, but I feelgood. I'm doing something for my body
I haven't done in a long time, doing formal exercise. When we talk
about sometimes so loving is love pilates, just just doing it's just doing fifty
five okay, o good. Justremain enjoyful. I enjoying your life.
(03:38):
I was just thinking the other day, like when I think about my life,
I think, oh, it's simplein so many ways, and that's
a good thing. But in alot of ways it's really complex and busy.
Yes, but I enjoy all ofit, right yeah. Um.
And like one of the things I'mtalking about, it's like taking care of
my body when I just did ause fast and when we didn't choose fast.
(04:03):
Um. But just really be intentionalabout life and the things that are
important to me. Yes, Andtrying not to stay too busy, trying
to enjoy some downtime. Yeah,fighting for the downtime, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, so good. And notletting work consuming that's a very good
(04:26):
yes. Yes, And like aftersaid stand I'm bothered. Yes, Now
how you doing? Missus? MissSusan is okay. You know, I'm
a little mellow today, but I'mgood. And you know what's so funny
when I think of the check in, I look at us because we do
(04:49):
so much for this podcast. Thetime that goes into just coming up with
content or just having several conversations aboutwhat direction and we want the podcast to
go into for a coming season.And then and I was telling my girls
this, You guys all know whatI'm gonna say, because we don't check
(05:11):
in that much, meaning that wedon't take the time out to just step
away and do what we need todo for ourselves collectively outside of our souls
flow. So we did, Oh, yes, yes we did. We
had a good time throughout in JerseyCity and libations were flowing. Ki Mama
(05:32):
had to me and Kim a coupleI think herself. Alison had some libations,
and we enjoyed ourselves at Fire andOak. And I know that for
us it was something that we neededto do, yes, because we get
so consumed we do. And it'sso funny because when you say, like,
we don't check in enough, andit's funny because we talk all the
(05:53):
time, like we talk all thetime constantly, right, But it is
something about taking the moment to sayAnd sometimes I thought This is not like
m I didn't call you about thepodcast. I'm not talking about the podcast.
How are you? What are youdoing? Yeah? And it is
it's important, you know, andI noticed you know, like for us,
(06:15):
I'm looking forward to more times forus to do more outings just in
general, because we need that inorder for us to be for souls flow,
we gotta keep reconnecting because that's thecheck Yeah, right, where do
we learn that? Though? That'sso interesting you said this, it's important
and for us to be those forsoulsflow, this is what we have to
(06:36):
do. It's imperative, That's whatit sounds like in your communication. And
so I'm going to talk about howwe've been impacted ourselves through check ins.
Like I know, for me,my mom and my aunt. God blessed
them and God rest both their souls. They love a check in. It
(07:02):
didn't have to be about anything inparticular. It could have the call could
have started with nothing at all,but somehow it went three hours. Yes,
and that's back in the eighties andseventies when you had to pay okay,
when that bell south or bell northor bell whatever it was, bill
came your way for every minute syntYes, okay, Mama, you stayed
(07:28):
on the fast three, I wasfourteen minutes and two that mind your business.
Yes, but it was so important. And how I learned about its
importance is because I would watch mymother. I would watch my mother pour
out in those calls, share confidences, and share all of herself with her
(07:53):
sister cousin, you know, Andto me, when she would get off
of that call, it was asif a weight had been lifted from her
shoulders. Yes, you know.It was the therapy. Before our people
knew that other forms of therapy existed. We checked in and we cared about
(08:15):
one another, and it has hada significant impact on me. I think
I can speak for Tash only becausewe have talked about it before in that
it is important. It's important.We need one another, we need it,
and when we see each other slippingaway, we are intentional about what's
going on. Yeah, you know, because you told me something. I
(08:41):
think it was last summer, andI don't know how we got on this.
We were talking about the young ladywho had committed suicide, and we
were talking one of the episodes wehad gone over about suicide last year.
Yeah, and you said, Isaw something on social media about always check
in to check in with your strongfriends, and I looked that way at
(09:01):
us. We are the strong friendsbecause a lot of times we don't share.
We talk business constantly, you know, we get on the phone.
It's occasionally we might slip in somethingsilly. Then we know we got to
especially me, got to grasp myselfand get back to what was the intent
of the zoom call. But it'svery important because a lot of times we
don't want to share certain things becausewe're embarrassed or whatever. But it's very
(09:26):
important to have a group of friendswhere you feel safe enough to be able
to, you know, unleash allthat just talk about those very difficult things.
So, just to follow up onwhere Kim said, I definitely learned
that from my mom, because mymom was that kind of person who checked
in on everybody, like family,friends. She was constantly checking in seeing
(09:48):
how people were doing. Children inthe neighborhood. She sent them down and
talk to them, what's going onwith you. She was that person who
always checked out. And it reallyis kind of important in terms of I
often think of about them looking downon us, like if these kids,
they will not be happy to keepit. So we do. We keep
(10:09):
it tight because in an honor ofthem as well. Yeah, I think
that for me, my um,you know, we always my family always
kind of been connected. UM thinkGod right. But you know, my
aunt, Susan and O a wholelot about the girlfriend check in. You
know, my aunt had um girlfriendsthat she grew up with over the years,
(10:33):
and Susan and I always would beamazed at how, you know,
they would get together. They wouldview on the phone on Saturday, they
would check in, they go outto have a little drink, or they
would go out to lunch. Wewould be right there and we would shocked
that their friendships were as long asthey were. And now we're looking at
us walking right into those shoes,you know, And some of that is
(10:58):
you know that that was taught bymy aunt and then you know and my
my own sisters. You know,we do the girlfriend and we do the
check in. My father always usedto be he's like, well, day
okay, and we don't say anything. We just check in. So if
(11:18):
something should come up, we dohave that check in. You know,
we always have a connection, soit's important that we do that, you
know, I think I learned ita little bit differently, um, because
I didn't have with my brother soto speak, but you know, because
men don't really run their damn mouselike that. But um, but I
(11:41):
did learn it from Ruthy and Ilearned it also from my aunt Ellen,
you know. Yes, yes,she checked you checked, she check in
kids, she wont and then ifshe don't get you on the phone,
I'm driving right now and I'm texting, Okay, she's seventy four, okay,
(12:03):
saying out prayers. But that's whatwe did, you know, because
she was That was my bond forme, you know, to teach me
how to do that. But it'simportant, you are so right, So
I can't say it enough either.It's important. It is just super super
important. And you know, theimportance of connection really came home the roots
(12:26):
for me the other day because Iwas talking to my youngest and she is
in school locally, you know,and so that means a lot of her
high school friends have gone off touniversities, you know, either away somewhere
away in the state or outside ofthe state. A few of them have
(12:46):
stayed. But it shifted her socialnetwork and her social circle and saw him
asking her. You know, well, how are you rebuilding that with your
new classmates and how are you puttingyourself out there to people? She said,
yeah, I feel like I'm doingthat, you know, but it's
slow, you know, when you'remeeting friends. It can be a slow
bill for friends and stuff. Andsometimes I do She's a mom, and
(13:09):
sometimes I feel lonely, and thatthing just hit me. It just really
really hit me. And any reason, we really don't but it to me.
I shared that story too, becauseit connects to that importance peace,
(13:30):
you know, and what connection doesand check ins do for the spirit,
for the soul of people, forthe mental well being, even because no
man is an island, you know, sometimes we need a long time.
Sometimes we say I don't want tobe that, I just need a little
space. I just need a littletime. But ultimately everybody wants to be
(13:54):
seen and checked in or absolutely andsupported, you know. And so I
just wanted to talk through like someof the wise and the ways we go
about checking in and why we dothese check ins and why they're important.
Um, I was reading this articleand it said, first of all,
(14:16):
how do you go about checking in? And it said, first of all,
I love this one. Make sureyou're prepared yeah, yeah, you
when you think about that when theysay we prepared for? What? What
are we preparing for when we sayit? Because you don't know what you're
gonna get sometimes, you know,these people are just people. You know.
(14:37):
Sometimes you're able to receive that information. Sometimes you're not. It depends.
So prayer, yeah, yeah,no, prayer, preparation you know,
Yeah, maybe I should just textyeah in that call yeah, yes,
yeah, sometimes ready for the text, yeah yeah. I would say
(15:00):
in addition to that, making sure, like if you're really doing to check
in with someone, making sure thatyou have the time to do and so
you're not calling someone that's right,right, right, So sure it's proper
timing. You're really call and checkingout checking with somebody, could you hurry
up? But you can know howyou can, you know, call somebody
(15:20):
check it in ye, and you'relike, come on now, yeah,
play a plane. Yeah you're Newark, I'm at Legardia. You know what
that reminds me up to though,Similarly, when you call to check in
on somebody, make space for thatpersonating the check in on them. Some
(15:45):
folks will call you and ask thewhat you're doing all right, how you're
doing it, just as you whatwhat d before you get started, let
me tell you what's going on withme? So you got to make space
if you're really checking in and reallyare being authentic about that expression of what's
going on in your life. Andyou gotta listen, yeah, because you
(16:08):
want the same thing. Yes,yeah, yeah, And it says too
in this article in connection to that, and let the person know that you're
listening, let them know you're listening, and you're listening without judgment, yes,
not judgment. Safe place. It'sa safe space for you to just
(16:29):
go ahead and say with you judgment. Yeah. It's so true. And
it's also talked about when like you'resaying there's a time for everything, there's
a timing too at TAJ when dowe check in? But it gives four
real strong bullet points about when tocheck in with someone. First of all,
it says, if the person,are you ready for this? It's
(16:51):
disappearing m you haven't talked to them. Yeah, they're just fading into the
background, and the way they usedto communicate You're like she usually calls me
every Thursday before I get ready togo to see when they're disappearing and the
(17:12):
next one this is not so good. But when they are being self destructive,
and guess what, that doesn't haveto be as demonstrative as we think
it is. It doesn't have tobe them using drugs and out on the
streets. Sometimes we can watch ourfriends bury their sadness and motions and overeating,
(17:33):
or you know, they are aremaybe drinking a little bit more than
you're typically seeing them drink, youknow, and those are times when you
really that's when the time to devoteto it, knowing that you need to
call them for that particular purpose andmaking sure, like you said, Tash,
you have time to devote to that, because yeah, absolutely, they
(17:56):
say. Also, now I'm scaredof this one because this is me all
the time. But I think it'smore my menopause. They said, when
somebody's irritable, that's all of usall the time. I would stay checked
in. Someone has to stay checkedon me because of late Listen, everything
(18:18):
works a nerds hormones. Okay,yes, yes, right in the front
past and the truth that is.And lastly, they said, if you
hear that person having self defeating talk, yeah, that sounds like a time
(18:41):
to check in. We joke.We have a cousin who we joke with
all the time. But let metell you someone I hear her say this.
Sometimes I say to myself, waita minute, it might be time
for check in. And she says, Lord, sometimes I just think we
would just put on this serve tosuffer. And I say, no,
no, we were not, No, we were not. Yes, yes,
(19:04):
yes, And sometimes it's sometimes it'sin humor, and sometimes it's a
crime. Yeah, yeah, canbe something else exactly. And this makes
me think about um. I waslistening to I think his name is Eugene
Alberer. Y'all follow him on Instagram, and he was talking about checking in
(19:30):
with your friends and he was sayinghow it's important to pray for your friends,
to really pray for your friends becausea lot of times your friends will
be going through things and they willnever say a word. And if you
just continue to pray for your friends, that God will put it in your
heart, put it in your putit in the words that you speak,
so you can go to them andsay, listen, I can tell you're
(19:51):
going through something. Let's talk aboutit. And it's so important because you
do you have people who just don'tspeak it. They have a hard time
speaking it, and sometimes they justneed you to open the door for them
to get them, like you said, Kim, the space to talk about
them. Yeah, it's very yousaid open the door, which is really
good too because I read about waysin which to open that door, because
(20:15):
sometimes that's hard for us too.We want to be connected to people,
but how do we bridge that gulfthat may have happened if the person has
been distanced, has distanced themselves fromus. And it says, you know,
just saying something as simple as I'mmissing you, you know and just
wanted to say hi, you know, or I was just thinking of you.
(20:41):
You're in my thoughts and my prayers, you know. So it doesn't
take a big to do to breakthat, to break that door open,
right, And sometimes people are goingthrough things and they just need to they
need to know that they're being thoughtbecause sometimes you can think that, you
know, well I'm just going throughthis and nobody's really thinking about it about
(21:03):
me or whatever. But when youopen up that door, like you said,
something simple, let's say, I'mthinking about you, I'm praying for
you, you know. You reachout to me anytime you know, you
know you truly mean that because you, like I said, you know when
people are going through you do knowwhen someone is going through something. It's
true. I find for me sometimesit's difficult because I feel like I don't
(21:29):
want to pry. No, Idon't want to pry, but sometimes it's
necessary to do so, Yeah,but it is sometimes it's necessary. And
like you said, what are theright words? So you know that I'm
here to support you, but I'mnot trying to dig and get from me
something that you're not ready to believeyou at all. So yep, that's
so key that you and you saidsomething too about why we don't do it.
(21:52):
Another reason I think, and wekind of talked about this early about
being prepared. It's sort of inthe be prepared for the call. It's
sometimes we know that check in willdo a number on us as well.
Yeah, you know it could bevery triggering for you, especially if you're
a crazing something that's very similar towhat that person is experiencing, you know,
(22:14):
and it will just take you announce. And now we'll talk about
triggering conversations. Just before you guyscame and you have to be very careful
right, So what I tend todo if I know I have to make
a difficult phone call, I alwayssay a prayer, Yeah, prayer for
them and a prayer for me.Good starting point because then I have the
words to be able to convey tothem exactly what I need to convey,
(22:37):
and that they have a heart tobe able to receive what I'm saying.
So, you know, that's myrule of thumb of how I handle it
a lot of times and knowing thatright moment, because sometimes when we do
a check in, the check incan be so much more for us than
it is for them, you know, so yeah, so true. Well,
(23:00):
listen, let's commit ourselves to staychecked in, check in, stay
committed to stay checked in with oneanother. Is there anybody in mind after
this conversation who you haven't checked inon? And a law you don't have
to name the person, but doyou have anybody? Does this make you
think about somebody in your own livesthat might need to check in at this
(23:22):
time? No, y'all are checkedin? I love it. I love
it. These faces were like,no, No, I check in to
check it out with? Yeah?Yeah, I think there's always someone that
we can check in one, youknow, and you know what and we
talk about you know, just ourpeers and you know, um, but
(23:47):
what about the elderly, you know, because they are suffering too, you
know. So I find myself checkingin a lot of times with my elder
relatives and friends. Yeah, becausethey just need somebody to talk to.
That's just so. But I,like, I don't know, Alison,
know the Jerry's we've been talking abouthouse have a special relationship with Jerry Jerry.
(24:19):
I've got a ministry honestly, lovehour like a traveling nursing home.
My day just just chicken in.I haven't seen you. Oh it's just
(24:40):
so sweet but so important to leaveme at your money a day, ain't
got time to be because also stuckin because the woman is still talking.
Yeah he got that walking at onestep. I'm gonna about that. Loneliness
(25:03):
and isolations like that is mostly oneof the main reasons because as folks get
older, listen their social circles.They didn't just move away, They've gone
away. You know. Then mymama, you know, I have to
check in with her too, youknow, I check in because she's with
me all the time. But Istill try to check in on her,
(25:25):
but she she's making me check inon everybody. Did you call this London?
Did you call that one? Ahouse? Soon? To show what
they're doing? Because she want tobe one of the girls. She really
want to be out with her Youdid you? Did you call that?
Well? Why didn't you call it? And so you know, I look,
(25:45):
okay, I'm accountable. I'm accountable, Mamma, keep me accountable.
Yes, it's genetics. But becauseI want to just say this real quick,
because I have a family member rightnow that is experiencing some memory loss.
He's older and he was with myson recently and just the conversation just
(26:07):
broke my heart because he barely rememberedthem. Yeah, and they reminded me
of the checking because he had myson take him to Mount Claire to check
on his friends and he went tothe cemetery. He said, because this
is where all my friends are.Wow. And I was like, whoa.
Okay, So if that doesn't remindyou, you know, because time
(26:34):
life is short, Tom is fleeting. Yes, and it's important because some
of us will not have the wordsto say it the capacity, you know,
and we just sometimes just have toset that bridge up of communication with
those people that you know, unfortunatelyare unable to and it's important, It
(26:55):
really really is important because we allhave a time Josh and I were talking
about the day and we have thosemoments where you're melancholy and you don't really
feel like having a conversation and talkingabout certain things and those it's important because
especially in the times that we livein now, you know, we came
from a point of isolation to nowcoming back out into society, so to
(27:17):
speak, and some just haven't reallymade that transition very well. So it's
important, it really really is important. It's so true. Well, that's
a great place to end. I'mtelling I'm so glad that we took some
time to check in the day,and I know we're going to be determined
even more determined to do more andmore of that checking in. And I
(27:40):
hope the people listening can use someof this information as their own roadmap to
their own connections. So check yeah, yeah, yes, they need you,
Yes they do. Boom. Youcan find the four Our Souls Flow
(28:00):
podcast wherever you listen to your favoritepodcast. We'd love to hear from you,
So go to four Souls flow dotcom. Hit the mic and leave
us a message ye,
Hello and welcome back to the FourSouls Flow podcast. This podcast is going
from friendship, family and love.We are Alison, Kim, Susan and
Tish, women who have let oursouls flow with every girl's trip, phone
call and milestone for thirty plus years. The Four Souls Podcast is committed to
having conversations that will encompass real talk, real life, and real love.
(00:27):
Now get ready, take a seatand join us. Now let's flow.
Welcome to the Four Souls Flow Podcast. Hey girlfriend, Hey, how you
doing? What's popping? Girl?You hanging in there? These are the
questions that we're asking today because thisepisode we are titling the check in.
(00:55):
It's just sometimes it's just time tocheck in. Absolutely, And you know,
we spend a lot of time asa foursome pressing this podcast and doing
the work, the good, goodwork of this podcast. But sometimes even
in the work, the work isnot the check in all the time.
(01:17):
Absolutely, all right, the workis the work sometimes. So yeah,
so I'm just I'm starting by checkingin. I really do me that,
Alison, what's going on? What'spopping going on? I've just been working
like everybody and um doing things thatkeep me busy. All week long,
(01:38):
and um, but I'm doing well. I can't complain. That's what you
want to hear, isn't then well, I can't complain trying to keep everything
even and breezy and light. Comeon, Unba, keep positive, Yeah,
(02:00):
and just doing what I gotta do, Just pressing on, honey.
And but everything's going good. Youknow, how about you? How you
doing, Kim? What's going on? Listen? I'm doing I'm living a
fifty five life. You know.I'm telling you something. I really feel
it. I feel this year.I feel fifty five in so many ways,
(02:21):
good and bad. You know bad, I'll say, not bad,
but changing. You know, allof the things that change you at this
midtime in your life, but alsoall of the things that you're happy about.
You joyful that you've grown enough forSo I've just been intentional, That's
what I've been. Yes, I'vebeen intentional with relationships, my parenting.
(02:44):
I've had to get my girls allpull together, and intentional about that,
but also intentional about the joy.Yes, you know, I've been taking
I've been taking staycations. I ain'tgotta go but around the corner. But
I'm just gone going. I justneed wine yes, and take care of
(03:07):
yourself. Yeah, but I feelgood. I'm doing something for my body
I haven't done in a long time, doing formal exercise. When we talk
about sometimes so loving is love pilates, just just doing it's just doing fifty
five okay, o good. Justremain enjoyful. I enjoying your life.
(03:38):
I was just thinking the other day, like when I think about my life,
I think, oh, it's simplein so many ways, and that's
a good thing. But in alot of ways it's really complex and busy.
Yes, but I enjoy all ofit, right yeah. Um.
And like one of the things I'mtalking about, it's like taking care of
my body when I just did ause fast and when we didn't choose fast.
(04:03):
Um. But just really be intentionalabout life and the things that are
important to me. Yes, Andtrying not to stay too busy, trying
to enjoy some downtime. Yeah,fighting for the downtime, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, so good. And notletting work consuming that's a very good
(04:26):
yes. Yes, And like aftersaid stand I'm bothered. Yes, Now
how you doing? Missus? MissSusan is okay. You know, I'm
a little mellow today, but I'mgood. And you know what's so funny
when I think of the check in, I look at us because we do
(04:49):
so much for this podcast. Thetime that goes into just coming up with
content or just having several conversations aboutwhat direction and we want the podcast to
go into for a coming season.And then and I was telling my girls
this, You guys all know whatI'm gonna say, because we don't check
(05:11):
in that much, meaning that wedon't take the time out to just step
away and do what we need todo for ourselves collectively outside of our souls
flow. So we did, Oh, yes, yes we did. We
had a good time throughout in JerseyCity and libations were flowing. Ki Mama
(05:32):
had to me and Kim a coupleI think herself. Alison had some libations,
and we enjoyed ourselves at Fire andOak. And I know that for
us it was something that we neededto do, yes, because we get
so consumed we do. And it'sso funny because when you say, like,
we don't check in enough, andit's funny because we talk all the
(05:53):
time, like we talk all thetime constantly, right, But it is
something about taking the moment to sayAnd sometimes I thought This is not like
m I didn't call you about thepodcast. I'm not talking about the podcast.
How are you? What are youdoing? Yeah? And it is
it's important, you know, andI noticed you know, like for us,
(06:15):
I'm looking forward to more times forus to do more outings just in
general, because we need that inorder for us to be for souls flow,
we gotta keep reconnecting because that's thecheck Yeah, right, where do
we learn that? Though? That'sso interesting you said this, it's important
and for us to be those forsoulsflow, this is what we have to
(06:36):
do. It's imperative, That's whatit sounds like in your communication. And
so I'm going to talk about howwe've been impacted ourselves through check ins.
Like I know, for me,my mom and my aunt. God blessed
them and God rest both their souls. They love a check in. It
(07:02):
didn't have to be about anything inparticular. It could have the call could
have started with nothing at all,but somehow it went three hours. Yes,
and that's back in the eighties andseventies when you had to pay okay,
when that bell south or bell northor bell whatever it was, bill
came your way for every minute syntYes, okay, Mama, you stayed
(07:28):
on the fast three, I wasfourteen minutes and two that mind your business.
Yes, but it was so important. And how I learned about its
importance is because I would watch mymother. I would watch my mother pour
out in those calls, share confidences, and share all of herself with her
(07:53):
sister cousin, you know, Andto me, when she would get off
of that call, it was asif a weight had been lifted from her
shoulders. Yes, you know.It was the therapy. Before our people
knew that other forms of therapy existed. We checked in and we cared about
(08:15):
one another, and it has hada significant impact on me. I think
I can speak for Tash only becausewe have talked about it before in that
it is important. It's important.We need one another, we need it,
and when we see each other slippingaway, we are intentional about what's
going on. Yeah, you know, because you told me something. I
(08:41):
think it was last summer, andI don't know how we got on this.
We were talking about the young ladywho had committed suicide, and we
were talking one of the episodes wehad gone over about suicide last year.
Yeah, and you said, Isaw something on social media about always check
in to check in with your strongfriends, and I looked that way at
(09:01):
us. We are the strong friendsbecause a lot of times we don't share.
We talk business constantly, you know, we get on the phone.
It's occasionally we might slip in somethingsilly. Then we know we got to
especially me, got to grasp myselfand get back to what was the intent
of the zoom call. But it'svery important because a lot of times we
don't want to share certain things becausewe're embarrassed or whatever. But it's very
(09:26):
important to have a group of friendswhere you feel safe enough to be able
to, you know, unleash allthat just talk about those very difficult things.
So, just to follow up onwhere Kim said, I definitely learned
that from my mom, because mymom was that kind of person who checked
in on everybody, like family,friends. She was constantly checking in seeing
(09:48):
how people were doing. Children inthe neighborhood. She sent them down and
talk to them, what's going onwith you. She was that person who
always checked out. And it reallyis kind of important in terms of I
often think of about them looking downon us, like if these kids,
they will not be happy to keepit. So we do. We keep
(10:09):
it tight because in an honor ofthem as well. Yeah, I think
that for me, my um,you know, we always my family always
kind of been connected. UM thinkGod right. But you know, my
aunt, Susan and O a wholelot about the girlfriend check in. You
know, my aunt had um girlfriendsthat she grew up with over the years,
(10:33):
and Susan and I always would beamazed at how, you know,
they would get together. They wouldview on the phone on Saturday, they
would check in, they go outto have a little drink, or they
would go out to lunch. Wewould be right there and we would shocked
that their friendships were as long asthey were. And now we're looking at
us walking right into those shoes,you know, And some of that is
(10:58):
you know that that was taught bymy aunt and then you know and my
my own sisters. You know,we do the girlfriend and we do the
check in. My father always usedto be he's like, well, day
okay, and we don't say anything. We just check in. So if
(11:18):
something should come up, we dohave that check in. You know,
we always have a connection, soit's important that we do that, you
know, I think I learned ita little bit differently, um, because
I didn't have with my brother soto speak, but you know, because
men don't really run their damn mouselike that. But um, but I
(11:41):
did learn it from Ruthy and Ilearned it also from my aunt Ellen,
you know. Yes, yes,she checked you checked, she check in
kids, she wont and then ifshe don't get you on the phone,
I'm driving right now and I'm texting, Okay, she's seventy four, okay,
(12:03):
saying out prayers. But that's whatwe did, you know, because
she was That was my bond forme, you know, to teach me
how to do that. But it'simportant, you are so right, So
I can't say it enough either.It's important. It is just super super
important. And you know, theimportance of connection really came home the roots
(12:26):
for me the other day because Iwas talking to my youngest and she is
in school locally, you know,and so that means a lot of her
high school friends have gone off touniversities, you know, either away somewhere
away in the state or outside ofthe state. A few of them have
(12:46):
stayed. But it shifted her socialnetwork and her social circle and saw him
asking her. You know, well, how are you rebuilding that with your
new classmates and how are you puttingyourself out there to people? She said,
yeah, I feel like I'm doingthat, you know, but it's
slow, you know, when you'remeeting friends. It can be a slow
bill for friends and stuff. Andsometimes I do She's a mom, and
(13:09):
sometimes I feel lonely, and thatthing just hit me. It just really
really hit me. And any reason, we really don't but it to me.
I shared that story too, becauseit connects to that importance peace,
(13:30):
you know, and what connection doesand check ins do for the spirit,
for the soul of people, forthe mental well being, even because no
man is an island, you know, sometimes we need a long time.
Sometimes we say I don't want tobe that, I just need a little
space. I just need a littletime. But ultimately everybody wants to be
(13:54):
seen and checked in or absolutely andsupported, you know. And so I
just wanted to talk through like someof the wise and the ways we go
about checking in and why we dothese check ins and why they're important.
Um, I was reading this articleand it said, first of all,
(14:16):
how do you go about checking in? And it said, first of all,
I love this one. Make sureyou're prepared yeah, yeah, you
when you think about that when theysay we prepared for? What? What
are we preparing for when we sayit? Because you don't know what you're
gonna get sometimes, you know,these people are just people. You know.
(14:37):
Sometimes you're able to receive that information. Sometimes you're not. It depends.
So prayer, yeah, yeah,no, prayer, preparation you know,
Yeah, maybe I should just textyeah in that call yeah, yes,
yeah, sometimes ready for the text, yeah yeah. I would say
(15:00):
in addition to that, making sure, like if you're really doing to check
in with someone, making sure thatyou have the time to do and so
you're not calling someone that's right,right, right, So sure it's proper
timing. You're really call and checkingout checking with somebody, could you hurry
up? But you can know howyou can, you know, call somebody
(15:20):
check it in ye, and you'relike, come on now, yeah,
play a plane. Yeah you're Newark, I'm at Legardia. You know what
that reminds me up to though,Similarly, when you call to check in
on somebody, make space for thatpersonating the check in on them. Some
(15:45):
folks will call you and ask thewhat you're doing all right, how you're
doing it, just as you whatwhat d before you get started, let
me tell you what's going on withme? So you got to make space
if you're really checking in and reallyare being authentic about that expression of what's
going on in your life. Andyou gotta listen, yeah, because you
(16:08):
want the same thing. Yes,yeah, yeah, And it says too
in this article in connection to that, and let the person know that you're
listening, let them know you're listening, and you're listening without judgment, yes,
not judgment. Safe place. It'sa safe space for you to just
(16:29):
go ahead and say with you judgment. Yeah. It's so true. And
it's also talked about when like you'resaying there's a time for everything, there's
a timing too at TAJ when dowe check in? But it gives four
real strong bullet points about when tocheck in with someone. First of all,
it says, if the person,are you ready for this? It's
(16:51):
disappearing m you haven't talked to them. Yeah, they're just fading into the
background, and the way they usedto communicate You're like she usually calls me
every Thursday before I get ready togo to see when they're disappearing and the
(17:12):
next one this is not so good. But when they are being self destructive,
and guess what, that doesn't haveto be as demonstrative as we think
it is. It doesn't have tobe them using drugs and out on the
streets. Sometimes we can watch ourfriends bury their sadness and motions and overeating,
(17:33):
or you know, they are aremaybe drinking a little bit more than
you're typically seeing them drink, youknow, and those are times when you
really that's when the time to devoteto it, knowing that you need to
call them for that particular purpose andmaking sure, like you said, Tash,
you have time to devote to that, because yeah, absolutely, they
(17:56):
say. Also, now I'm scaredof this one because this is me all
the time. But I think it'smore my menopause. They said, when
somebody's irritable, that's all of usall the time. I would stay checked
in. Someone has to stay checkedon me because of late Listen, everything
(18:18):
works a nerds hormones. Okay,yes, yes, right in the front
past and the truth that is.And lastly, they said, if you
hear that person having self defeating talk, yeah, that sounds like a time
(18:41):
to check in. We joke.We have a cousin who we joke with
all the time. But let metell you someone I hear her say this.
Sometimes I say to myself, waita minute, it might be time
for check in. And she says, Lord, sometimes I just think we
would just put on this serve tosuffer. And I say, no,
no, we were not, No, we were not. Yes, yes,
(19:04):
yes, And sometimes it's sometimes it'sin humor, and sometimes it's a
crime. Yeah, yeah, canbe something else exactly. And this makes
me think about um. I waslistening to I think his name is Eugene
Alberer. Y'all follow him on Instagram, and he was talking about checking in
(19:30):
with your friends and he was sayinghow it's important to pray for your friends,
to really pray for your friends becausea lot of times your friends will
be going through things and they willnever say a word. And if you
just continue to pray for your friends, that God will put it in your
heart, put it in your putit in the words that you speak,
so you can go to them andsay, listen, I can tell you're
(19:51):
going through something. Let's talk aboutit. And it's so important because you
do you have people who just don'tspeak it. They have a hard time
speaking it, and sometimes they justneed you to open the door for them
to get them, like you said, Kim, the space to talk about
them. Yeah, it's very yousaid open the door, which is really
good too because I read about waysin which to open that door, because
(20:15):
sometimes that's hard for us too.We want to be connected to people,
but how do we bridge that gulfthat may have happened if the person has
been distanced, has distanced themselves fromus. And it says, you know,
just saying something as simple as I'mmissing you, you know and just
wanted to say hi, you know, or I was just thinking of you.
(20:41):
You're in my thoughts and my prayers, you know. So it doesn't
take a big to do to breakthat, to break that door open,
right, And sometimes people are goingthrough things and they just need to they
need to know that they're being thoughtbecause sometimes you can think that, you
know, well I'm just going throughthis and nobody's really thinking about it about
(21:03):
me or whatever. But when youopen up that door, like you said,
something simple, let's say, I'mthinking about you, I'm praying for
you, you know. You reachout to me anytime you know, you
know you truly mean that because you, like I said, you know when
people are going through you do knowwhen someone is going through something. It's
true. I find for me sometimesit's difficult because I feel like I don't
(21:29):
want to pry. No, Idon't want to pry, but sometimes it's
necessary to do so, Yeah,but it is sometimes it's necessary. And
like you said, what are theright words? So you know that I'm
here to support you, but I'mnot trying to dig and get from me
something that you're not ready to believeyou at all. So yep, that's
so key that you and you saidsomething too about why we don't do it.
(21:52):
Another reason I think, and wekind of talked about this early about
being prepared. It's sort of inthe be prepared for the call. It's
sometimes we know that check in willdo a number on us as well.
Yeah, you know it could bevery triggering for you, especially if you're
a crazing something that's very similar towhat that person is experiencing, you know,
(22:14):
and it will just take you announce. And now we'll talk about
triggering conversations. Just before you guyscame and you have to be very careful
right, So what I tend todo if I know I have to make
a difficult phone call, I alwayssay a prayer, Yeah, prayer for
them and a prayer for me.Good starting point because then I have the
words to be able to convey tothem exactly what I need to convey,
(22:37):
and that they have a heart tobe able to receive what I'm saying.
So, you know, that's myrule of thumb of how I handle it
a lot of times and knowing thatright moment, because sometimes when we do
a check in, the check incan be so much more for us than
it is for them, you know, so yeah, so true. Well,
(23:00):
listen, let's commit ourselves to staychecked in, check in, stay
committed to stay checked in with oneanother. Is there anybody in mind after
this conversation who you haven't checked inon? And a law you don't have
to name the person, but doyou have anybody? Does this make you
think about somebody in your own livesthat might need to check in at this
(23:22):
time? No, y'all are checkedin? I love it. I love
it. These faces were like,no, No, I check in to
check it out with? Yeah?Yeah, I think there's always someone that
we can check in one, youknow, and you know what and we
talk about you know, just ourpeers and you know, um, but
(23:47):
what about the elderly, you know, because they are suffering too, you
know. So I find myself checkingin a lot of times with my elder
relatives and friends. Yeah, becausethey just need somebody to talk to.
That's just so. But I,like, I don't know, Alison,
know the Jerry's we've been talking abouthouse have a special relationship with Jerry Jerry.
(24:19):
I've got a ministry honestly, lovehour like a traveling nursing home.
My day just just chicken in.I haven't seen you. Oh it's just
(24:40):
so sweet but so important to leaveme at your money a day, ain't
got time to be because also stuckin because the woman is still talking.
Yeah he got that walking at onestep. I'm gonna about that. Loneliness
(25:03):
and isolations like that is mostly oneof the main reasons because as folks get
older, listen their social circles.They didn't just move away, They've gone
away. You know. Then mymama, you know, I have to
check in with her too, youknow, I check in because she's with
me all the time. But Istill try to check in on her,
(25:25):
but she she's making me check inon everybody. Did you call this London?
Did you call that one? Ahouse? Soon? To show what
they're doing? Because she want tobe one of the girls. She really
want to be out with her Youdid you? Did you call that?
Well? Why didn't you call it? And so you know, I look,
(25:45):
okay, I'm accountable. I'm accountable, Mamma, keep me accountable.
Yes, it's genetics. But becauseI want to just say this real quick,
because I have a family member rightnow that is experiencing some memory loss.
He's older and he was with myson recently and just the conversation just
(26:07):
broke my heart because he barely rememberedthem. Yeah, and they reminded me
of the checking because he had myson take him to Mount Claire to check
on his friends and he went tothe cemetery. He said, because this
is where all my friends are.Wow. And I was like, whoa.
Okay, So if that doesn't remindyou, you know, because time
(26:34):
life is short, Tom is fleeting. Yes, and it's important because some
of us will not have the wordsto say it the capacity, you know,
and we just sometimes just have toset that bridge up of communication with
those people that you know, unfortunatelyare unable to and it's important, It
(26:55):
really really is important because we allhave a time Josh and I were talking
about the day and we have thosemoments where you're melancholy and you don't really
feel like having a conversation and talkingabout certain things and those it's important because
especially in the times that we livein now, you know, we came
from a point of isolation to nowcoming back out into society, so to
(27:17):
speak, and some just haven't reallymade that transition very well. So it's
important, it really really is important. It's so true. Well, that's
a great place to end. I'mtelling I'm so glad that we took some
time to check in the day,and I know we're going to be determined
even more determined to do more andmore of that checking in. And I
(27:40):
hope the people listening can use someof this information as their own roadmap to
their own connections. So check yeah, yeah, yes, they need you,
Yes they do. Boom. Youcan find the four Our Souls Flow
(28:00):
podcast wherever you listen to your favoritepodcast. We'd love to hear from you,
So go to four Souls flow dotcom. Hit the mic and leave
us a message ye,
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