September 28, 2023 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Aw well, hello, come rightin, Oh George, We've got company.
Good evening. This is Bill Goodwinspeaking for Lever Brothers, makers of
(00:21):
Swan, the new white floating soapthat cure is fine cast deals. While
it's Tuesday night again, time foranother pleasant physic with George Burns and Gracie
Allen, our guests, Bat O'Brien, Jimmy Cash, Felix Mills AND's Orchestra,
and the Swan Tet. Now meetthe people who live in the Burns
house. George and Gracie. Well, it's morning. It's the Burn's house,
(00:49):
and George is upstairs getting dressed togo to the office. Gracie is
in the living room talking to MissPringle, a spinster from New England who
recently moved in next door. Where'sthat precious husband of yours? They'll in
bed at this hour. Oh no, George is up. He gets up
early early, huh in New England. I get up with the chickens,
go to bed with them too.My gun's done a feather stick on you.
(01:14):
Your husband's just like all Californians lazy. Oh well, don't you want
California? No, don't. What'sthe matter with it? It's too far
with Oh I'm sorry you don't likeit here? Why did I ever leave
New England? Yeah? Why didyou leave New England? Head do?
Why they spized it all? Isee? Oh? Good morning them a
(01:42):
springle And how are you today?Huh? Well you have very short talks
with her, George. I thinki'll go downtown with you this morning.
I want to buy some nightgowns.You've got dozens of them, all right,
But George, this is a sale. And besides, nightgowns were our
fast. It's time here. Thenights are getting longer, Gracie. Buying
(02:08):
a nightgown you don't need is onpatriotic you see, that's the kind of
spending the government doesn't want us todo. The government you mean, President
Roseale. That's right. President Rooseveltdoesn't want you to buy a nightgown.
Oh, George, he's never evenseen you in a nightgown, Gracie.
What I'm trying to say is this, everything is scarce now hard to get.
(02:30):
When you buy something, you makeit even scarcer and boost the price.
The way to keep prices down isto buy only what you absolutely need.
Get it. I think so,Look, Gracie, take what you
would put into a nightgown and putit in the bank, old hilly boy,
(02:54):
Gracy, I mean the money.Put the money in the bank,
or better yet, put it tosomething that gels three times? Is much
interest war bond? Oh now Isee. Well, thanks for explaining it,
George. Oh, I guess Ihas married the smartest man in the
whole world. Oh, I wouldn'tsay that. They're a ment smarter than
me. Oh well, if you'regoing to print me down anyway, don't
(03:20):
change the subject. Instead of buyingnew things, we should make the old
things last. Look when don't wekeep our roll clothes right here in this
tall closet. I'll bet we canstill do some of this stuff. What's
this? Oh? This is mywedding gown. Oh she kept it out
of sentiment. I kept the fulldress suit I wore too. I know,
the though you read it from stillkeeps calling, Uh, what's this
(03:44):
over here? Oh that's when mammagave us for our last anniversary. Oh
really, Yeah, beautiful, isn'tit. Yeah, but they don't do
them like this anymore. I guessnot. What do you suppose it is?
I don't know. I hope shetells us one of these days.
Yeah, that would be nice.Uh. What's from the box? Oh,
sentimental souvenirs and my girlfood days.Everything in this box has god tender
(04:08):
significance. For instance, this pieceof cactus. What's tender about a piece
of cactus? Ah, it's taughtme the meaning of love. It was
in a high school picnic and JoeSweeney was my date for two hours.
He held me on his lap andhe didn't even know he was sitting in
that cactus. Must have been atender memory for Joe. Alice here.
(04:30):
Oh and look at this, thefirst bottle of perfume. I have a
boy. That was the turning pointin my life. Up to dinner,
I've been trying to attract boys withbass, Saul. What's in that box?
Thoughts of an is, letters fromboys, pictures of boys, presents
from boys, notes from boys.We're sort of boy crazy, weren't you.
(04:53):
Well, all girls are at thatage, judge. It's normal and
healthy, and I was even alittle healthier than most of them. Oh
and look here's the snapshop of aboy I really had a crush on.
He was captain another football team.It looks kind of familiar. What's his
name? Pat O'Brien, Pat O'Brien, he's the is he the movie star
(05:16):
that's Ride And he's always in thosepictures where the other fella gets the girl
and he walks off alone. Andthe sun said, well, if you
were such friends, how is ityou never asked them over here? Well?
I kind of thought you might bejealous of him. Oh, don't
be silly. Why should I bejealous of your high school sweetheart? Oh?
Because he went high school, Isee. But I'm glad I married
(05:45):
a self made man. When otherwomen brag about their husbands, I just
is there and laugh. You do, yeah, because I know that when
my friend comes along to brag aboutyou, they're gonna laugh. I say,
I like y'all. Looks George,you have a Facebook character, an
interesting stake, and our problem peopletake me for your daughter. Thanks,
(06:12):
kids, we'll hire people bell whatgoes on? How a little wartime economy?
I'm gonna make the old one andI have things to do for the
duration. Oh that's good, Gracie. We're all finder George, Bill,
would you like to go study?Oh? And look look what I just
found in the closetsdale a picture ofPat O'Brien and me, taken when he
(06:36):
was captain of our high school footballteam. See Gracie. That reminds me
of my football days. I'll neverforget the big game. The crowd's yelling
come on, Bill, Come on, Bill, and me racing down the
field, the whole Notre Dame teamchasing me. Did you make a touchdown?
Bill? Oh? I didn't havethe ball. They were after my
swan solo. No. Well,sure, Swine's are real All America and
(07:00):
a four time winner. It's greatfor your complexion, perfect for bathing the
baby, and solid SuDS for doingdishes and light laundry. Swan is forrest,
well, soaps and wine. Andyou always played football with a bar
of Swan in your pocket. Votedthe cleanest player in the league. Gave
it now in college, Gracie,I work my way through college. You
see waiting tables in a sorority house? Or did I have fun? There
(07:25):
was some swell looking dishes there wellgetting the sati mother watch you, No,
she'd be in the front room withthe girls. Oh, where were
you in the kitchen washing and thedishwashes? Sure, that's the picnic with
swan the new white floating soap Swangives you a dishpan full of SuDS.
And look at my hands. Theydon't get rough and red with Swan Swan
(07:45):
so mild that helps protect your hands, gives them a beauty treatment. Well,
I'm going to the office. Wantto share a strap on the bus
with me? Bill, No,George. I I think I'll stay here
and tell Gracie what a great wartimebuy Swan Soapit dah do that she never
heard about Swan goodbye. Well,I'm gonna call Patter Brydon and buye him
over. You get a kick outof seeing his picture? Yeah, and
(08:05):
you get along beautiful with George too? To rugged out of door man.
We wait a minute, Gracie,what's rugged about George? Well he's a
great hunter and trapper. Really,Oh sure you know that big desk and
rugg We have him a dan.Yeah, well, George trapped the mouth
that you hold In a time holy, The Swan Tet joins our popular young
(08:37):
tenor Jimmy Cash in a ballad thattruly heavenly music. I seem to hear
heavenly every time. That's heaven remuse. I look at you and Suddenly
(09:03):
the voices seem thout begin dream aswe saw high and Hai, why my
heart wistful this way? That's becauseit lile and play and it's a thing.
(09:37):
I read your eyes is a truth. Then you haven you lose every
(10:16):
time you need that heaven in you. And it's a thing because I read
in your art and you musing.Aw. It's now afternoon in the Burns
(11:03):
home and George is still at theoffice. Gracie phone Pat O'Brien, and
she's now in the living room awaitinghis arrival. Coming. Well here,
I am, Well, Pat O'Brien, don't move, don't move, that's
(11:26):
stand there a minute. Let melook at you like this, Oh Gracie,
you haven't changed a bit. You'rejust as beautiful as ever, and
you've only seen one side of me. Should I turn around? Nah No,
I'm convinced. Ah, your eyesstill have the sparkle of the lakes
of Colarne. I go along withyour Blarnie, Patrick O'Brien, don't be
(11:50):
after calling a blarney. Doesn't theway of an O'Brien to flatter every woman
he meets, Suldance, isn't.I'm telling the truth. She's the prettiest
any wire that I've ever set meeyes uparm shouldn't chis chis chis chisen?
All right? Then chisen tis too? U See, Gracie, things might
(12:13):
have been different with us if youhadn't married that juggler. Oh oh,
George isn't a juggling he's a comedian. Oh oh wat, George, George,
this is Pat O'Brien. Pleasure tomake your pat, Thanks George.
Well, how's the juggling game?Juggling a pet? Thought you were a
juggler. Oh no, I'm nota juggler, Gracie, speaking of your
(12:35):
husband juggling. Remember Juggead Bodkin,I'm not a juggler. Shout, good
old Juggead. He was the greatbig seller, wasn't he. No,
that was FATSI finnigin. Oh that'sright, good old Fats though what I
became him? Well he married Juggeadbodkinsistent. Oh really, wasn't she a
swelling girl by the name by nameAnnie? No, No, you're thing
of Danny o' two who married BudMurphy. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
(12:58):
yeah, good old Spot. Hewas a short, stocky fellow with
a male No, no, Dadwas nechl children. Look, you know
te from bull legged gown. No, no, you're thinking of Michael Marre's
sister Fanny, who married Tim mcgonig. Oh, SAT's like good old Tim.
Look, folks, what didn't he'sthe stackgard with the buckeye. No,
no, no, that was fatsilFinnegan, a good old fans though,
(13:18):
whatever became of him. Oh hemarried jug At bockin sistance. Oh
folks, Uh, my name,my name is Burns. Fine, George
Burns. I'm engaged to fat SelFinnegan. Oh, oh my goodness,
Pat, I'm a faid. Wereleaving George out of the conversation. Oh
so we are well? H well, Burns, How the juggling game?
(13:41):
I'm not a juggler. No,George's comedian. Nobody can tell a joke
like he can. Thanks to George. He'll pass a joke about the moron
who went through the screen door andstrained himself. Tell us you you you
(14:03):
had kill it? Yes, amoron went to a screen door and strained
himself. You don't joggle at all. I know who they did? You
know who? Judge reminds me ofNellie Rhyme. What did she second?
Yeah? Remember what she said inthe street clean at the time he asked
(14:30):
her a kiss? What what didshe say? I die? Oh I
never heard anything so funny in mylife. What what did she say?
I think it was the best crackMillie ever made. What did she say
(14:52):
she did? Yeah? Oh,I forget what did she say that?
I don't remember either. Oh,but Judge, I wish you could have
been there. I wish I werethere. No. Oh, oh my
goodness, Chat, I'm afraid we'releading George out of the conversation. Oh
so we are, well, Burns. How's the juggling game? Look,
(15:16):
I'm not a juggler. Isn't ita small world? Racy Milly married a
juggler too? Oh no, shemarried Jimmy Conley. Oh I thought he
married Katy McDonald. Oh no,Katie married Tad. Who has anybody knows?
Sam Norman path Hole. How doyou say, Gracie. Don't you
(15:37):
remember packhola House? Oh? SureI remember him? Well today he's an
alderman. No he look forward andremember Tommy mccapnick. Of course I remember
him. He's a police captain.Now, No, look for he remember
Frank Casey. Frank Casey. No, I don't wait a minute, Wait
a minute. I remember Frank Casey. You would produce me to him once?
(15:58):
What about him? Nothing ever happenedto you? Oh? Oh,
I'm afraid we're leaving George out ofthe conversation. Ah, so we are
well Burns. How's the juggling game? Juggling game is fine? How would
you folks like some ginger ale saythat reminds me Gracie? Whatever? It
(16:18):
became a Ginger O'Connor. I couldn'thave picked route there. Ginger Ginger married
a man named Sam Lute who runsthe beer hall. Nothing would have helped
me say, Gracie, you knowI'm afraid we're leaving your husband out of
the conversation. Oh so we arewell gren how's the juggling game? I
gave it up. I'm a magiciannow I also have a dog act and
(16:41):
I sing. Say. I thinki'll sing right now, George. If
you sing, we won't be ableto talk. I will now sing fifteen
or twenty songs. Gracie, sitdown at the piano. I'll start with
ain't misbehavior? Oh good? Thisis one of the death packs. Amous
behavior, old one of my selfamous behavior. I'm happy on the show.
(17:06):
I remember you where the truth fromthe flu twel the fiddle lod happen
and the never right your hairing onthe cliff show, up the down,
hands about crossing from go out handling, the gaiety of fellow fluters. All
ye, ain't misbehavior old by mysholf, ain't mis behavior. I am
happy hunger. Okay, remember thisif you unite, be the hap hospitality,
(17:32):
the banished behavior old by myself.Times move by time for Felix Mills
in the darkest dress tonight, Felixand his mules takeing the pipe, the
(17:52):
blow of all things on this wineshow. Bubble, I'm forever blowing bubba,
(18:40):
blowing fuball Penny Baba, being thethey find all my really reach the
sky like my dream, they staidand die a far fall, Hie.
Let me all Loselinde love everywhere andstill can't find it. I'm forever flow
(19:07):
in babble Ba. I'm always bowingblob blow, big big bubble bubble and
(19:56):
grat big bo. Well. Georgeand Gracie and Pat O'Brien are still sitting
around the living room, and atlast the topic of conversation is changed.
(20:19):
No more talk about jug Head,Baden, Batchel Finnigan or spled Murphy.
Pat, do you remember Muscles Malone, good old muscles. Oh that was
a real football player, the greateststar school ever had. Oh, now,
Pat, you were the great.No Muscles wasn't great? Now you
were the gray I used to playfoot. No Muscles wasn't gray. What
(20:41):
a tacker that boy was. Iwas a pretty good tack. How he
could run into parents. I don'tforget the day I cared the fall.
He knocked down every man between meand the goal. Yeah, one of
them was a referee. And tellme where did he knock him down?
No Muscles didn't trust anybody. Oh, good old Muscles. I blew up
a bank today. Yeah, goodold muscles shot the cash in. What
(21:07):
did you say? There? Killeda man and blew up a bank.
Oh that's night, you know,Pat all that Muscles was even a better
football player than Jack Dempsey, Paulsure, even better than Babe Ruth.
Oh how did you compare him toa girl? I'll answer now let me
go there. I don't want tointerrupt your conversation with Pat. Never mind,
(21:29):
we're almost talked out. Oh hello, miss Springle where's your wife?
Want to borrow a cup of vinegar? M she's inside talking to Pat O'Brien,
the movie actor. Don't like movieactors, lou paint and powder fifty.
Oh hate actors? Huh. I'dlike to tell him a thing or
two. He wouldn't stay on melong. Well, Roul Roald, come
(21:53):
right in. Oh hello, missPringle. Oh, i'd like you to
meet miss potato grinds. Huh.I'm glad, No you too? Its
bands about a barrow a cup ofvinegar? Well of cost, Miss Springle.
I'll give you the whole bottle andyou can drink as much as you
like. Don't don't take it.You're the perssella dressing. No. I
(22:14):
bet you make a mighty delicious salad, Miss Pringle, And I want your
opinion. I'll ask for it.Did they Huh? What's that she hates
actors? Don't give Miss Springle.I don't like your type either. Why
why, Miss Springle? You're you'repretty enough to be an actress yourself,
Fiddlestick. Honestly, you've got theface and figure of a Hollywood glamor girl.
(22:36):
Huh, Well, you ought togo around in the sweater. Oh,
Pat, Why don't you stop now, you'll keep out of it?
What were you staying? Tactic beer, miss Springle, The vinegar is in
the kitchen, goodbye, be pack. Doesn't she remind you of Maggie Malone?
Yeah, muscles at Maggie. Shemarried Anne Hogan. No, she
(23:00):
married me Vijal. Would you peoplelike to see a card trick? Oh,
my goodness, I'm the fag.We're leaving George out in the conversation.
So we are well. Our jugglinggame is fine. Yeah, take
a card, I'll go, Hi, George, just a minute, Bill.
(23:22):
And you know when the Irish peoplein San Francisco no ever played football
with a character, and they musclethem alone. No, okay, you
can come in. What's up,George? Well, for three hours I've
been listening to Gracie and Pat O'Brientalk about old times. I can't get
a worden. Oh, kind ofboring, boring, Bill. I would
throw Pat O'Brien right out on azero if I weren't such a gentleman.
(23:45):
You mean, such an old gentleman. Anyway, you get the idea.
Well, listen, George, whynot give them a dose of their own
medicine? Do you mean you wouldmean? But sure? What else?
We'll carry on a conversation at themout of it. That'll cure him.
Swell, what do we talk about? Well, you just say to me
what do you hear from Myrtle?And I'll take it from there. Myrtle.
(24:08):
Yeah, she's a little redheaded riveterI was out with last night.
We'll talk about her. I'll deFrench work. We'll work pretty well last
night. Oh you mean the rivelu? Yes, the riven Yes. Well
okay, come on Bell. Nowmy cue is what do you hear from
Mertle? What do you hear fromMyrtle? Right? Hello? There you
know Pattery? Oh? Sure?Hello? Pat? Hello Bill? Bill?
(24:30):
What do you hear from Myrtle?Myrtle? The riveter? Well,
I'll tell you George, say Phil, don't you sell Swan soap? Well?
Yeah, do you use it?Pat? Don't say Macy? Pat
uses Swan soul? Yeah? Bill, what do you hear from Myrtle?
Pat? Did you know that Swanis four pure soaps and one no?
(24:53):
Did you Gray say, oh sure, sure, it's so few dishes,
light laundry, bathing the baby,or for your hands and face horse while
soaps in one. Sure's fine castdeals too, Bill. What do you
hear from Merchal Keel? Camra hasgreat swan. It's a baby and the
baby. Oh and lots of doctorsrecommend swan for the baby. Marta Martin
hurts something you see, swan isso mild, so gentle, that is
(25:17):
kind even to a baby's tender skin. So it must be great for your
skin. Hump. Pat, Sure, and I've got a skin just like
a baby. What do you hearfrom her? From you know the rivers,
say Pat? Pat? Old?Man? Did I tell you that
swine? The new white floating sobreaks in two so you can use half
in the kitchen for dishes and cleaningand half in the bathroom for your tub
(25:40):
or shower. No you can.Well, isn't it a small world?
Yeah? All right? Now whatdo you hear from Myrtle? Oh?
Myrtle? Yeah? Well, sayPhil? Is that myrtal Kelly? Well?
Yes, geez, do you knowher pasture? Right? Don't say
Tracy? Pat knows Myrtles Kelly?Oh yeah so much. How Benedict Donald
(26:11):
remember Bennyanold the football? Oh sure, sure, he coached the last year
muscles und An affairs for me.Look would you people like to play jin
rummy grassy? Speaking of rummy muscles, old man certainly was one. Yeah,
I never met him, but Isept over much time. Would you
people like to play a little I'llgo, I'll go. Good morning,
(26:37):
mister Maine. Oh hello, misterpostman. There's something disturbing your tranquil little
teens and mans. My wife wasin there talking to a guy about their
old school days and I can't geta word in edgewise. Oh yes,
that can become quite disgusting when mywife doesn't irene monstrate with her three month
(27:00):
straight. Yes you know slugger.Look Postman, do you play generalummy?
Oh yes, well come on in, we'll play cotton ignore them all right,
Well, hello is your postman?Good evening, missing boy head O'Brien,
muscles malone, Well, chosan gracefullbe back in a second. Meanwhile,
(27:30):
I like to reminds you of thechest. Because you do your own
housework and have your hands in soapand water a good deal. That's no
reason why you can't have soft,lovely hands. It makes sure the soap
you uses a mild soap, orI should say make sure the soap you
use is Swann, and Swan givesyou loads of miles gentle SuDS, SuDS
that are really kind to your hands. Swan, as pure as fine cast
(27:52):
deals. Try Swan. It's agreat bye anytime, an even greater bye
in wartime. Well here they areagain. Mark is happiest, mister and
missus, George and Gracie. Ohwell, a little late, ladies and
gentlemen. Goodnight, Thank you,Gracie. Tonight's guest Pat O'Brien will be
(28:15):
seen starring in the RKO pictures TheIron Major, The Maker's Up, Swan
the new White Floating Soap, JoinedGeorge and Gracie and inviting you to tune
into your CBS station again next week, same time, when we'll have as
our guest Heidi Lamar and the followingweek Jack Benny. Remember George Burns and
(28:37):
Gracie Allen BBS next Tunesday Night andnow until next week. This is Bill
Goodwin saying well, I Swan,I bought you good night. Your Russian
poork, go father, go further, Go father, your Russian port,
go father further. When you're cookingis brid yes, ma'am's brod is the
(29:00):
short thing that gives lighter cakes,crispy, adjustable fried foods, muff melting
pastry. Cook the spryways. Seethose ration points. Stretch It's so easy
to remember. And the water bye. Just tell your grocer I once fry.
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
Aw well, hello, come rightin, Oh George, We've got company.
Good evening. This is Bill Goodwinspeaking for Lever Brothers, makers of
(00:21):
Swan, the new white floating soapthat cure is fine cast deals. While
it's Tuesday night again, time foranother pleasant physic with George Burns and Gracie
Allen, our guests, Bat O'Brien, Jimmy Cash, Felix Mills AND's Orchestra,
and the Swan Tet. Now meetthe people who live in the Burns
house. George and Gracie. Well, it's morning. It's the Burn's house,
(00:49):
and George is upstairs getting dressed togo to the office. Gracie is
in the living room talking to MissPringle, a spinster from New England who
recently moved in next door. Where'sthat precious husband of yours? They'll in
bed at this hour. Oh no, George is up. He gets up
early early, huh in New England. I get up with the chickens,
go to bed with them too.My gun's done a feather stick on you.
(01:14):
Your husband's just like all Californians lazy. Oh well, don't you want
California? No, don't. What'sthe matter with it? It's too far
with Oh I'm sorry you don't likeit here? Why did I ever leave
New England? Yeah? Why didyou leave New England? Head do?
Why they spized it all? Isee? Oh? Good morning them a
(01:42):
springle And how are you today?Huh? Well you have very short talks
with her, George. I thinki'll go downtown with you this morning.
I want to buy some nightgowns.You've got dozens of them, all right,
But George, this is a sale. And besides, nightgowns were our
fast. It's time here. Thenights are getting longer, Gracie. Buying
(02:08):
a nightgown you don't need is onpatriotic you see, that's the kind of
spending the government doesn't want us todo. The government you mean, President
Roseale. That's right. President Rooseveltdoesn't want you to buy a nightgown.
Oh, George, he's never evenseen you in a nightgown, Gracie.
What I'm trying to say is this, everything is scarce now hard to get.
(02:30):
When you buy something, you makeit even scarcer and boost the price.
The way to keep prices down isto buy only what you absolutely need.
Get it. I think so,Look, Gracie, take what you
would put into a nightgown and putit in the bank, old hilly boy,
(02:54):
Gracy, I mean the money.Put the money in the bank,
or better yet, put it tosomething that gels three times? Is much
interest war bond? Oh now Isee. Well, thanks for explaining it,
George. Oh, I guess Ihas married the smartest man in the
whole world. Oh, I wouldn'tsay that. They're a ment smarter than
me. Oh well, if you'regoing to print me down anyway, don't
(03:20):
change the subject. Instead of buyingnew things, we should make the old
things last. Look when don't wekeep our roll clothes right here in this
tall closet. I'll bet we canstill do some of this stuff. What's
this? Oh? This is mywedding gown. Oh she kept it out
of sentiment. I kept the fulldress suit I wore too. I know,
the though you read it from stillkeeps calling, Uh, what's this
(03:44):
over here? Oh that's when mammagave us for our last anniversary. Oh
really, Yeah, beautiful, isn'tit. Yeah, but they don't do
them like this anymore. I guessnot. What do you suppose it is?
I don't know. I hope shetells us one of these days.
Yeah, that would be nice.Uh. What's from the box? Oh,
sentimental souvenirs and my girlfood days.Everything in this box has god tender
(04:08):
significance. For instance, this pieceof cactus. What's tender about a piece
of cactus? Ah, it's taughtme the meaning of love. It was
in a high school picnic and JoeSweeney was my date for two hours.
He held me on his lap andhe didn't even know he was sitting in
that cactus. Must have been atender memory for Joe. Alice here.
(04:30):
Oh and look at this, thefirst bottle of perfume. I have a
boy. That was the turning pointin my life. Up to dinner,
I've been trying to attract boys withbass, Saul. What's in that box?
Thoughts of an is, letters fromboys, pictures of boys, presents
from boys, notes from boys.We're sort of boy crazy, weren't you.
(04:53):
Well, all girls are at thatage, judge. It's normal and
healthy, and I was even alittle healthier than most of them. Oh
and look here's the snapshop of aboy I really had a crush on.
He was captain another football team.It looks kind of familiar. What's his
name? Pat O'Brien, Pat O'Brien, he's the is he the movie star
(05:16):
that's Ride And he's always in thosepictures where the other fella gets the girl
and he walks off alone. Andthe sun said, well, if you
were such friends, how is ityou never asked them over here? Well?
I kind of thought you might bejealous of him. Oh, don't
be silly. Why should I bejealous of your high school sweetheart? Oh?
Because he went high school, Isee. But I'm glad I married
(05:45):
a self made man. When otherwomen brag about their husbands, I just
is there and laugh. You do, yeah, because I know that when
my friend comes along to brag aboutyou, they're gonna laugh. I say,
I like y'all. Looks George,you have a Facebook character, an
interesting stake, and our problem peopletake me for your daughter. Thanks,
(06:12):
kids, we'll hire people bell whatgoes on? How a little wartime economy?
I'm gonna make the old one andI have things to do for the
duration. Oh that's good, Gracie. We're all finder George, Bill,
would you like to go study?Oh? And look look what I just
found in the closetsdale a picture ofPat O'Brien and me, taken when he
(06:36):
was captain of our high school footballteam. See Gracie. That reminds me
of my football days. I'll neverforget the big game. The crowd's yelling
come on, Bill, Come on, Bill, and me racing down the
field, the whole Notre Dame teamchasing me. Did you make a touchdown?
Bill? Oh? I didn't havethe ball. They were after my
swan solo. No. Well,sure, Swine's are real All America and
(07:00):
a four time winner. It's greatfor your complexion, perfect for bathing the
baby, and solid SuDS for doingdishes and light laundry. Swan is forrest,
well, soaps and wine. Andyou always played football with a bar
of Swan in your pocket. Votedthe cleanest player in the league. Gave
it now in college, Gracie,I work my way through college. You
see waiting tables in a sorority house? Or did I have fun? There
(07:25):
was some swell looking dishes there wellgetting the sati mother watch you, No,
she'd be in the front room withthe girls. Oh, where were
you in the kitchen washing and thedishwashes? Sure, that's the picnic with
swan the new white floating soap Swangives you a dishpan full of SuDS.
And look at my hands. Theydon't get rough and red with Swan Swan
(07:45):
so mild that helps protect your hands, gives them a beauty treatment. Well,
I'm going to the office. Wantto share a strap on the bus
with me? Bill, No,George. I I think I'll stay here
and tell Gracie what a great wartimebuy Swan Soapit dah do that she never
heard about Swan goodbye. Well,I'm gonna call Patter Brydon and buye him
over. You get a kick outof seeing his picture? Yeah, and
(08:05):
you get along beautiful with George too? To rugged out of door man.
We wait a minute, Gracie,what's rugged about George? Well he's a
great hunter and trapper. Really,Oh sure you know that big desk and
rugg We have him a dan.Yeah, well, George trapped the mouth
that you hold In a time holy, The Swan Tet joins our popular young
(08:37):
tenor Jimmy Cash in a ballad thattruly heavenly music. I seem to hear
heavenly every time. That's heaven remuse. I look at you and Suddenly
(09:03):
the voices seem thout begin dream aswe saw high and Hai, why my
heart wistful this way? That's becauseit lile and play and it's a thing.
(09:37):
I read your eyes is a truth. Then you haven you lose every
(10:16):
time you need that heaven in you. And it's a thing because I read
in your art and you musing.Aw. It's now afternoon in the Burns
(11:03):
home and George is still at theoffice. Gracie phone Pat O'Brien, and
she's now in the living room awaitinghis arrival. Coming. Well here,
I am, Well, Pat O'Brien, don't move, don't move, that's
(11:26):
stand there a minute. Let melook at you like this, Oh Gracie,
you haven't changed a bit. You'rejust as beautiful as ever, and
you've only seen one side of me. Should I turn around? Nah No,
I'm convinced. Ah, your eyesstill have the sparkle of the lakes
of Colarne. I go along withyour Blarnie, Patrick O'Brien, don't be
(11:50):
after calling a blarney. Doesn't theway of an O'Brien to flatter every woman
he meets, Suldance, isn't.I'm telling the truth. She's the prettiest
any wire that I've ever set meeyes uparm shouldn't chis chis chis chisen?
All right? Then chisen tis too? U See, Gracie, things might
(12:13):
have been different with us if youhadn't married that juggler. Oh oh,
George isn't a juggling he's a comedian. Oh oh wat, George, George,
this is Pat O'Brien. Pleasure tomake your pat, Thanks George.
Well, how's the juggling game?Juggling a pet? Thought you were a
juggler. Oh no, I'm nota juggler, Gracie, speaking of your
(12:35):
husband juggling. Remember Juggead Bodkin,I'm not a juggler. Shout, good
old Juggead. He was the greatbig seller, wasn't he. No,
that was FATSI finnigin. Oh that'sright, good old Fats though what I
became him? Well he married Juggeadbodkinsistent. Oh really, wasn't she a
swelling girl by the name by nameAnnie? No, No, you're thing
of Danny o' two who married BudMurphy. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
(12:58):
yeah, good old Spot. Hewas a short, stocky fellow with
a male No, no, Dadwas nechl children. Look, you know
te from bull legged gown. No, no, you're thinking of Michael Marre's
sister Fanny, who married Tim mcgonig. Oh, SAT's like good old Tim.
Look, folks, what didn't he'sthe stackgard with the buckeye. No,
no, no, that was fatsilFinnegan, a good old fans though,
(13:18):
whatever became of him. Oh hemarried jug At bockin sistance. Oh
folks, Uh, my name,my name is Burns. Fine, George
Burns. I'm engaged to fat SelFinnegan. Oh, oh my goodness,
Pat, I'm a faid. Wereleaving George out of the conversation. Oh
so we are well? H well, Burns, How the juggling game?
(13:41):
I'm not a juggler. No,George's comedian. Nobody can tell a joke
like he can. Thanks to George. He'll pass a joke about the moron
who went through the screen door andstrained himself. Tell us you you you
(14:03):
had kill it? Yes, amoron went to a screen door and strained
himself. You don't joggle at all. I know who they did? You
know who? Judge reminds me ofNellie Rhyme. What did she second?
Yeah? Remember what she said inthe street clean at the time he asked
(14:30):
her a kiss? What what didshe say? I die? Oh I
never heard anything so funny in mylife. What what did she say?
I think it was the best crackMillie ever made. What did she say
(14:52):
she did? Yeah? Oh,I forget what did she say that?
I don't remember either. Oh,but Judge, I wish you could have
been there. I wish I werethere. No. Oh, oh my
goodness, Chat, I'm afraid we'releading George out of the conversation. Oh
so we are, well, Burns. How's the juggling game? Look,
(15:16):
I'm not a juggler. Isn't ita small world? Racy Milly married a
juggler too? Oh no, shemarried Jimmy Conley. Oh I thought he
married Katy McDonald. Oh no,Katie married Tad. Who has anybody knows?
Sam Norman path Hole. How doyou say, Gracie. Don't you
(15:37):
remember packhola House? Oh? SureI remember him? Well today he's an
alderman. No he look forward andremember Tommy mccapnick. Of course I remember
him. He's a police captain.Now, No, look for he remember
Frank Casey. Frank Casey. No, I don't wait a minute, Wait
a minute. I remember Frank Casey. You would produce me to him once?
(15:58):
What about him? Nothing ever happenedto you? Oh? Oh,
I'm afraid we're leaving George out ofthe conversation. Ah, so we are
well Burns. How's the juggling game? Juggling game is fine? How would
you folks like some ginger ale saythat reminds me Gracie? Whatever? It
(16:18):
became a Ginger O'Connor. I couldn'thave picked route there. Ginger Ginger married
a man named Sam Lute who runsthe beer hall. Nothing would have helped
me say, Gracie, you knowI'm afraid we're leaving your husband out of
the conversation. Oh so we arewell gren how's the juggling game? I
gave it up. I'm a magiciannow I also have a dog act and
(16:41):
I sing. Say. I thinki'll sing right now, George. If
you sing, we won't be ableto talk. I will now sing fifteen
or twenty songs. Gracie, sitdown at the piano. I'll start with
ain't misbehavior? Oh good? Thisis one of the death packs. Amous
behavior, old one of my selfamous behavior. I'm happy on the show.
(17:06):
I remember you where the truth fromthe flu twel the fiddle lod happen
and the never right your hairing onthe cliff show, up the down,
hands about crossing from go out handling, the gaiety of fellow fluters. All
ye, ain't misbehavior old by mysholf, ain't mis behavior. I am
happy hunger. Okay, remember thisif you unite, be the hap hospitality,
(17:32):
the banished behavior old by myself.Times move by time for Felix Mills
in the darkest dress tonight, Felixand his mules takeing the pipe, the
(17:52):
blow of all things on this wineshow. Bubble, I'm forever blowing bubba,
(18:40):
blowing fuball Penny Baba, being thethey find all my really reach the
sky like my dream, they staidand die a far fall, Hie.
Let me all Loselinde love everywhere andstill can't find it. I'm forever flow
(19:07):
in babble Ba. I'm always bowingblob blow, big big bubble bubble and
(19:56):
grat big bo. Well. Georgeand Gracie and Pat O'Brien are still sitting
around the living room, and atlast the topic of conversation is changed.
(20:19):
No more talk about jug Head,Baden, Batchel Finnigan or spled Murphy.
Pat, do you remember Muscles Malone, good old muscles. Oh that was
a real football player, the greateststar school ever had. Oh, now,
Pat, you were the great.No Muscles wasn't great? Now you
were the gray I used to playfoot. No Muscles wasn't gray. What
(20:41):
a tacker that boy was. Iwas a pretty good tack. How he
could run into parents. I don'tforget the day I cared the fall.
He knocked down every man between meand the goal. Yeah, one of
them was a referee. And tellme where did he knock him down?
No Muscles didn't trust anybody. Oh, good old Muscles. I blew up
a bank today. Yeah, goodold muscles shot the cash in. What
(21:07):
did you say? There? Killeda man and blew up a bank.
Oh that's night, you know,Pat all that Muscles was even a better
football player than Jack Dempsey, Paulsure, even better than Babe Ruth.
Oh how did you compare him toa girl? I'll answer now let me
go there. I don't want tointerrupt your conversation with Pat. Never mind,
(21:29):
we're almost talked out. Oh hello, miss Springle where's your wife?
Want to borrow a cup of vinegar? M she's inside talking to Pat O'Brien,
the movie actor. Don't like movieactors, lou paint and powder fifty.
Oh hate actors? Huh. I'dlike to tell him a thing or
two. He wouldn't stay on melong. Well, Roul Roald, come
(21:53):
right in. Oh hello, missPringle. Oh, i'd like you to
meet miss potato grinds. Huh.I'm glad, No you too? Its
bands about a barrow a cup ofvinegar? Well of cost, Miss Springle.
I'll give you the whole bottle andyou can drink as much as you
like. Don't don't take it.You're the perssella dressing. No. I
(22:14):
bet you make a mighty delicious salad, Miss Pringle, And I want your
opinion. I'll ask for it.Did they Huh? What's that she hates
actors? Don't give Miss Springle.I don't like your type either. Why
why, Miss Springle? You're you'repretty enough to be an actress yourself,
Fiddlestick. Honestly, you've got theface and figure of a Hollywood glamor girl.
(22:36):
Huh, Well, you ought togo around in the sweater. Oh,
Pat, Why don't you stop now, you'll keep out of it?
What were you staying? Tactic beer, miss Springle, The vinegar is in
the kitchen, goodbye, be pack. Doesn't she remind you of Maggie Malone?
Yeah, muscles at Maggie. Shemarried Anne Hogan. No, she
(23:00):
married me Vijal. Would you peoplelike to see a card trick? Oh,
my goodness, I'm the fag.We're leaving George out in the conversation.
So we are well. Our jugglinggame is fine. Yeah, take
a card, I'll go, Hi, George, just a minute, Bill.
(23:22):
And you know when the Irish peoplein San Francisco no ever played football
with a character, and they musclethem alone. No, okay, you
can come in. What's up,George? Well, for three hours I've
been listening to Gracie and Pat O'Brientalk about old times. I can't get
a worden. Oh, kind ofboring, boring, Bill. I would
throw Pat O'Brien right out on azero if I weren't such a gentleman.
(23:45):
You mean, such an old gentleman. Anyway, you get the idea.
Well, listen, George, whynot give them a dose of their own
medicine? Do you mean you wouldmean? But sure? What else?
We'll carry on a conversation at themout of it. That'll cure him.
Swell, what do we talk about? Well, you just say to me
what do you hear from Myrtle?And I'll take it from there. Myrtle.
(24:08):
Yeah, she's a little redheaded riveterI was out with last night.
We'll talk about her. I'll deFrench work. We'll work pretty well last
night. Oh you mean the rivelu? Yes, the riven Yes. Well
okay, come on Bell. Nowmy cue is what do you hear from
Mertle? What do you hear fromMyrtle? Right? Hello? There you
know Pattery? Oh? Sure?Hello? Pat? Hello Bill? Bill?
(24:30):
What do you hear from Myrtle?Myrtle? The riveter? Well,
I'll tell you George, say Phil, don't you sell Swan soap? Well?
Yeah, do you use it?Pat? Don't say Macy? Pat
uses Swan soul? Yeah? Bill, what do you hear from Myrtle?
Pat? Did you know that Swanis four pure soaps and one no?
(24:53):
Did you Gray say, oh sure, sure, it's so few dishes,
light laundry, bathing the baby,or for your hands and face horse while
soaps in one. Sure's fine castdeals too, Bill. What do you
hear from Merchal Keel? Camra hasgreat swan. It's a baby and the
baby. Oh and lots of doctorsrecommend swan for the baby. Marta Martin
hurts something you see, swan isso mild, so gentle, that is
(25:17):
kind even to a baby's tender skin. So it must be great for your
skin. Hump. Pat, Sure, and I've got a skin just like
a baby. What do you hearfrom her? From you know the rivers,
say Pat? Pat? Old?Man? Did I tell you that
swine? The new white floating sobreaks in two so you can use half
in the kitchen for dishes and cleaningand half in the bathroom for your tub
(25:40):
or shower. No you can.Well, isn't it a small world?
Yeah? All right? Now whatdo you hear from Myrtle? Oh?
Myrtle? Yeah? Well, sayPhil? Is that myrtal Kelly? Well?
Yes, geez, do you knowher pasture? Right? Don't say
Tracy? Pat knows Myrtles Kelly?Oh yeah so much. How Benedict Donald
(26:11):
remember Bennyanold the football? Oh sure, sure, he coached the last year
muscles und An affairs for me.Look would you people like to play jin
rummy grassy? Speaking of rummy muscles, old man certainly was one. Yeah,
I never met him, but Isept over much time. Would you
people like to play a little I'llgo, I'll go. Good morning,
(26:37):
mister Maine. Oh hello, misterpostman. There's something disturbing your tranquil little
teens and mans. My wife wasin there talking to a guy about their
old school days and I can't geta word in edgewise. Oh yes,
that can become quite disgusting when mywife doesn't irene monstrate with her three month
(27:00):
straight. Yes you know slugger.Look Postman, do you play generalummy?
Oh yes, well come on in, we'll play cotton ignore them all right,
Well, hello is your postman?Good evening, missing boy head O'Brien,
muscles malone, Well, chosan gracefullbe back in a second. Meanwhile,
(27:30):
I like to reminds you of thechest. Because you do your own
housework and have your hands in soapand water a good deal. That's no
reason why you can't have soft,lovely hands. It makes sure the soap
you uses a mild soap, orI should say make sure the soap you
use is Swann, and Swan givesyou loads of miles gentle SuDS, SuDS
that are really kind to your hands. Swan, as pure as fine cast
(27:52):
deals. Try Swan. It's agreat bye anytime, an even greater bye
in wartime. Well here they areagain. Mark is happiest, mister and
missus, George and Gracie. Ohwell, a little late, ladies and
gentlemen. Goodnight, Thank you,Gracie. Tonight's guest Pat O'Brien will be
(28:15):
seen starring in the RKO pictures TheIron Major, The Maker's Up, Swan
the new White Floating Soap, JoinedGeorge and Gracie and inviting you to tune
into your CBS station again next week, same time, when we'll have as
our guest Heidi Lamar and the followingweek Jack Benny. Remember George Burns and
(28:37):
Gracie Allen BBS next Tunesday Night andnow until next week. This is Bill
Goodwin saying well, I Swan,I bought you good night. Your Russian
poork, go father, go further, Go father, your Russian port,
go father further. When you're cookingis brid yes, ma'am's brod is the
(29:00):
short thing that gives lighter cakes,crispy, adjustable fried foods, muff melting
pastry. Cook the spryways. Seethose ration points. Stretch It's so easy
to remember. And the water bye. Just tell your grocer I once fry.
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
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