October 22, 2023 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hellos and my friends the hands Honeyand Almond Cream programs. He's a little
skipper in the line. Please givethe little girl. Find George Burns and
(00:21):
Iron Honey, Gracie Allen. ButFrank Parker, I ain't no what I'm
the talkers strength coming gladly speaking.One hundred millions wrong. That's right,
you can't go wrong. My friends, thank you, thank you very much.
(00:44):
We're folks. We're having the sameunusual weather here in southern California.
It was raining so hard this morningthat even the footprints in front of Grandma's
Chinese theater we're wearing glasses. Then, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
unusual weather. It's a beautiful day. As a matter of fact,
it's been beautiful all weak. Oh, it's not too bad now. Bob
Hoss won't have anything to talk about. Of course, he can always talk
(01:06):
about Crosby's horses. Yeah. DoesOh and by the way, I saw
one of Crossby's horses at the racetack today. Did you say hello?
Yeah? I said good bye.I was walking too fast. Probably one
dock horse talking to another. Oh, hooray, I guess I brought to
a little present. Ray Noble againI hope you like it. Well,
I can't wait. Do in messids, and there's a long time going it.
(01:30):
This morning I caught it just foryou. Oh it's beautiful. What
is it? It's a lot ofraised hair. That's some present for Reay,
I assure it. Well, I'mglad that's off my chest. Well
(01:53):
there's a pretty little thing. Ohdid you give a present like that?
Certainly takes a lot of talk.Oh, by the way, Gracie,
I reserved that table for two afterthe broadcast, all in the same old
praise, Yes, from the sameold table. Oh good. I just
dying to shoot again a pool andmeet him at nine o'clock behind the eight
(02:14):
ball. Hello, prais, Ohpinky, Well George, how's the Secretary
of State this evening? I'm notthe secretary of State? Well, I
don't know. You look like hullto me. How Variety club's like your
political speech in Dallas? Oh,grant you. But George's speech was asiot.
(02:35):
Really I'm dining here, George.Well, all I said Tom who
was members of the Variety Club.Isn't a scream? Pray? It must
have killed people. Don't say anything, uh, Gracie, when you got
home. Was your kangaroo glad tosee you? Oh you mean moh,
I'll say she ragged your tails somuch, knocked my sister Dessie out of
dead. Kangaroo sleeps with your sisterBesley. Oh it's not that des,
(02:55):
He's very nice. Must be anice little friend. Of course. Monday
night has sleep with the kangaroo andsleep with Dassy and Friday night? Why
does it? Does it? Doesevery Why does everyone want a sleeper press?
Well, she's the only one who'sgot a bed, the only one
who's got a bed. Thanks everybody, Boddy, I'd like to hear Georgia
speed those links from it. Igot up and I said, members of
(03:17):
Riety Gracy, you mean there's onlyone bed in your house? Well,
you'll know how small our apartment is. Oh yeah, I forgot. Oh
it's so small. My daddy hasto shave before he can get into the
bathroom. Then where does he shave? Does he does he use a labber?
No? No, he's stand ina chair. Members of the how
(03:42):
many of you live in this apartment? Oh no, let me see.
There's my little nephew, Parky,and there's and my father. His name
is Parky yes, and my father. What was he named after as he
was born. That's a nice name, Parker. Yes, he's the one
with a revolving head. Then there'sMan, your nephew has a revolving head.
(04:02):
Yeah, you got that from wipinghis face in the roller towel.
Your family certainly gets around kids head. Oh. And then there's my my
uncle Max, old Indian siding held. Yeah, but he's not fighting anymore.
Why not? You can't Indians?Uncle Max. He's the one with
(04:23):
the flat fleet. Yeah, hegot that way having his tat block while
he had his shoes on. George, please the speak, Well, I'll
try again. Members of the VarietyClub, stop me. If you've heard
this before, stop why I've heardit all quiet, very funny thing happened
to me on the way to Dallas. Oh I thought you were born on
the way to Cleveland. That wasanother speech. How many of you live
(04:50):
in this apartment? Well there's sixteen, including Laura and my aunt Clara.
Your aunt Clara, that's the onewith the walk. Yeah, she married
him last March. I mean theone with the ward on her hands.
Yes, him, all right,he's been supporting him since Hilla married.
Well, all right, so sixteenlive in your house. A very funny
thing happened on the way to doseventeen, including mister Phillips. A very
(05:12):
funny thing. Mister Phillip. Yes, who is mister Phillips? Oh,
he's been living with us for twelveyears? Who is it? Oh you
don't know he's been living with youfor twelve years. You don't know who
he is? How do you getthere? Well, we asked the land
lady to bring us another dead andhe was in it. Members of the
Variety Clubs, Veriah, George,I'd like to hear your speech. What
do you think I'm trying to do? Truman? Bob? But never mind?
(05:34):
Ah, why Jude, you're onlykidding. How are we going?
Yeah? Speech was really a bigkist. In Dallas, Wow, members
of the Bridy Club would have beenjust a good ol club. Members of
the Variety Club would have been goodin Glendale? Who members of the Variety
I mean, well, never mind, let's forget it, Hider, that's
(06:00):
a great spreech. And won't wetake me a second? Members of the
Variety clubs. A very funny thinghappened to me while I was flying to
Dallas. I said, to thepilot, Hello, palsy, wealthy George
always ducked as a funny crack likethat. I said, why do all
pilots we have black belts? Iguess what the aviator said to haul up
their pants? How does you know? I used to be a pilot.
(06:23):
So we hurried out of Dallas.And when I got home, guess when
the cousin neighbor was doing. Hewas mowing the coffine. George used to
be a pilot. Is there anyonehere with a little intelligence? Oh?
Coming? Oh boy coming? Wellyou've got as little as anybody. No,
that's what my mother always says.Oh she admitted it. Yes,
he used to be a pone.Go away. Go If why my cousin
(06:46):
Nabel was mowing the coffee, Mykangaroo law was in the kitchen laughing and
laughing and laughing and laughing. Whatwas laughing at? Never was sitting in
a rumble seat tickling it. Ifyou ever to put a piece of wedding
cake under your pillow to dream ofthe man you're going to marry, well
(07:06):
I can tell you a more dependableway to help your dreams come true.
Make yourself so attractive an appealing thatmen will just naturally fall head over heels
in love with you. Use Heineshoney and almond cream regularly to help keep
your hands thrilling to touch. Heinesis extra creamy, extra softening for rough
or tender skin. This fine,fragrant cream helps guard against chapping and that
flaky, dried out look. Evenwhen application of Hines makes your hands look
(07:30):
softer, feel smoother to touch.Use Hines Honey almond cream from tip to
toe. It's a swell body rub. And above all, remember your hands
after every household job and every timeyou take your hands out of water.
Smooth on Hines honey and almond cream. That's the way to help keep your
hands soft and kissable. Then justhear that man of yours say, honey,
there's something about you that just bowlsme over. Every time I touch
(07:53):
your hands, it a soft andadorable They give me a sprill strewn through.
Oh here is fine parting night.My song is an unusual one,
but I think you'll agree with thepretty one. The moon was yellow and
my Heart was young, written byEdgar Leslie and Treading Alice Warm, who
(08:15):
was yell and the nye was asmile brought us together, and I was
wondering whether to beat me again onday long yell, and the fall was
(08:39):
all that vocal inspiration gave me theinclination to give my heart away. Allan,
who hunting you? It be myluck to win? May I look
(09:05):
that fall? My love and myhopes are strong around that cupid fellow,
behold the moon is yellow? Anda romance who hunts me with? It
(09:43):
be my luck to win you.May I look that fall? Mine love
mat on my around that cupid fellow, Behold the moon is yellow? Frank,
(10:31):
how do you reach those high notes? My singing teacher used to be
a popcort, so I knew that. Say Frank Kenny Baker was in Dallas
and he said, the same songyou just did, Kenny Baker, Huh,
who's that? Uh? Huh?Is the coincidence? He asked the
same thing about you. Your ratification, Frank Kenny Baker has the same tone
qualities and this higher registered as noschnettie. Yeah, how would you know
(10:54):
that used to be a pilot?Yea, And not only that he has
no flatnose, wins Kenny Baker,philco Baker, Yes, that's old fella.
Well, A lot of people liketo hear coming through the ride by
Kenny Baker, But I'd rather hearain't misbehaving coming through the nose of George
Burns. That's all. I'll probablyend up as the secretary of the nasal.
(11:15):
Oh, hello, Macy, I'djust didn't get sooner, but I
was off with a boy. Goodbye, John Wilson. Oh, yes,
the fellow who Jack Benny works forMacy. Was your family glad to
see you when you got back fromDollon. Oh yes, especially my grandfather
who doesn't live with a setdy mars. Oh, I'm glad to hear that
he lives on a desert. He'svery wealthy. He's the half owner of
(11:37):
a mirage, of a mirage whoowns the other hat. Oh, some
crazy guys. That's very interesting.He made a lot of money selling waterholes
to saxty people for twenty cents apiece. Must have made a fortune that way.
Well, of course, you reallyonly gets fifteen cents apiece because you
(11:58):
get a nickel back on the whole. He ever gets out of a hole,
who go broke? Yeah, Hennylike crazie. A business like that
is better than the tash mahosh maho. What is that? I don't know.
Clack Gabel mentioned it in the picture. That's gotta laugh. That's because
she wore a funny hat. ClockGabel say in some places say same times,
bigger than clockable. Some places.You are, thank George. I
(12:22):
just assume you wouldn't say they'll drinkthose things about bubble Stigiu. No,
no, you know how a thinglike that spread. Well, don't worry,
Bubble. Just keep your chins up. You know, you know.
I just can't wait for you tobe elected. Jacy. Can you imagine
me on the floor of the Senatemaking a Philly buster like Jimmy Stewart did.
The mister Smith goes to Washington.Do you realize that he spoke for
(12:43):
twenty three hours? And amateur George, I can talk for twenty three days.
I can hear myself now saying,gentlemen of the Senate, the moment
you finished the dishes, give yourhands the creamy comfort of Hindes, honey
and almond. Truman and Truman?Are you gonna do this for twenty three
days? Maybe longer. It feelsgood enough. Frank open the door.
It's then you're too close. Tothe Michael, step back a little,
a little troup a little, Frank, closer door. Nice work, Frank,
(13:09):
Really, that's the first time Iever closed the door on the broadcast.
No, yeah, look, Ican even do it left handed.
Ranks do well, and no,ladies and gentlemen. I'll not only do
what blindfolded, but I would preaka class to war at the same time.
Wait on that door, Frank,I think, Racy, did you
(13:31):
ever see this album of pictures ofme? No? Ray, see if
you recognized everybody in this picture,the group of us in the country.
Oh, what a lovely group.Well, you're all holding up out the
old cookies. No, those areour faces oatmeal. Oatmeal cookies have more
expression. Who is this little chapwith the accordion pleated day? Oh,
(13:52):
that's me when I was four yearsold? And who's that silly looking sap
next to him? That's me whenI was nine day The one standing behind
him is you too? Yes,that's when I was twelve and a half.
In other words, all ten ofthe screw are you all except the
old man with the gray hair?Who's he? Oh that's me when I'll
be sixty. Well, that's anice future for you. Right, I'm
(14:16):
gonna picture of me at home whenI was three years old. I'm all
covered with ice cream. You're allcovered with ice cream. Yeah, my
nice decided to put me in agood humor. That was eccentric, wasn't
it. Nov that's a better flavor. ASA come in if your hands are
rough and read and you want goodevening Burns and Allen programs. Who is
away? I'm George Brian's What canI do for you? You see,
(14:39):
I've been listening with great interest toGracie Allen's presidential campaign. I'm doctor Schmierback,
a psychiatrist. Is that anything likea Republican? I know nothing about
politics? Oh? A Democrat?Doctor? You mean you're interested in your
camping because you're a psychiper exactly.I'd like to ask her a few questions
(15:01):
to see if she's capable of runningthe government. In other words, you
want to test to IQ. Allright? But whether I Q or right,
don't you I'll be elected. I'ma specialist in mental therapeutics. I
watched the mind and see what makesthe tick? What if a dozen tick
tick? Miss Allen? Would youobject to a little psycho analysis? Well?
Negatives Norvin, I only drink tobe sociable, Gracie. What he
(15:24):
means is, how how are yourreflexes? Well? There are all right,
but I get that A pictures withmy brownie A reflex, A reflex,
sort of a jerk, jorgeude yourself? Oh go go? Well if
you are self conscious, mister Burns, you're what we psychiatrists call him,
meaning depressive with a touch of skeizophrenia. Is that so? I'm how can
(15:46):
you tell? He used to bea pile? Everybody has got that now,
Miss Allen. Do you ever feeltaught? Taught? Yes, tense,
like you were being held in avice and slowly strangled to death.
Oh? Yes, yes, lotsof time. What do you do to
overcome it? Oh? I justtake off? He he means. Is
it a mental contraction or a muscularcontraction? Oh? Is this stuff?
(16:07):
One? I gotta just bullets?Nice day, isn't do? Miss Allan?
Yours is a very unusual case.Tell me when you go to sleep
at night, do you see strangethings in your dreams? No? No,
just plain everyday things. Last nightI saw a green leopard with pink
strice. Ah. Now we're gettingsomeplace, Miss Allen. Did it have
an electric fan for a tail?Yeah? Did is made of hot water
(16:30):
bottles? Yes? Doctor, doctor? What are you crying about? She's
full my leopard. Every screwball happensto me, especially that doctor. Oh,
he's a very brainy man. Andtry too. Before I left,
(16:52):
he gave his hands he did.Yeah, here he is. You want
to shake it? How do doctor? Come on? After all happened?
(19:15):
All our grand? Right? Grandsay job? Yeah. When Grace is
elected president and I'm appointed postmaster ofGeneral, I'm gonna wear my hair pompadour
style so i'll have something to keepthe stamps in. Right, when Gracey's
elected, you won't have any hair? Well, then I'll part in the
middle like Jim Poly does. Yeah, Jim Poly's hair is a gunner.
(19:37):
Oh, how do you like that? Frank? Beautiful Chinese flowers? Beautiful
Chinese slitty, smelly. I meanyou too can have beautiful. There a
man in here who said he wasdoctor Schmierbacha, a psychiatrist. Would you
recognize the pang? Quiet? He'san escape lunatic and I'm his nurse.
(20:00):
Lewis is in here. We allpraised. Do you know what he does?
He gets thermometers, breaks them open, drinks the mercury, and throws
away the glass. He must becrazy, certainly, that's the best part.
Well, just leave your address,and that's the door right over there.
(20:21):
Yesterday I killed a man. Youkilled a man? What I was
mad at him? He killed me? First. Look, let's get to
the door, mister. Have younoticed I've been whispering. I lost my
voice when I was crusoe. Well, don't let it get around. But
here's the door. Got him anothersenator your hands. Those guys give me
(20:45):
the creepy Oh, don't be silly. They're no more crazy than I am.
That's what I'm worried about. Youknow, George, you might not
believe it, but when I wasyoung, fellow, I was crazy too,
But I took some treatments, andno time I was cured completely good.
Sure, just every once in awhile, But I'm all right.
Doesn't well that's her, say,grazie. Did you hear joy speech of
(21:07):
the Hollywood boat Saturday night? Oh? Yeah? So where does he come
off telling the people he doesn't likethe way I'm running the government. You
never said such a thing. Webetter not criticizing non national debt will.
We ought to be proud of it. It's the biggest one in the world.
Gracie, you know nothing about politics. Do you know anything about the
RFC? Are you familiar with theDies Committee? Oh? Please judge.
(21:32):
When a girl's running for president,she can't be too familiar with anybody.
I can't wait, not the votefor you, say not to tind you
we received our calico presses. Allwe means of my Omaha condenns next month?
Yes, but mine is two beafter all, I only weigh three
hundred pounds with my girdle arms.Well, what are you await without your
girdle? I don't know. I'venever been able to get at all.
(21:55):
Well, don't worry. Someday he'llsnap out of it. Come in,
I marmond cream and everyone, goodevening. I'm looking for two men.
One says he's a psychiatrist and theother says he's a male nurse. And
who are you? I am thechief your far from the Lunatic Commission.
You'll never guess who I am?Who are you? I'm going to be
(22:17):
the next first Lady of the land. And the reason I'm whispering is because
I lost my voice when I wasCrusoe. This is our next postmaster,
jimbo. Oh if that's all Ishould hope to scare you? Well,
you're the two guys I want.Now. Come on, you know Gracie,
(22:37):
this is the first time you andI have ever been alone? Yeah,
you and me both? Are youhappy now? I'm Racy? You
must be happy now I'm Raymond.Then we're still alone. It's wonderful sitting
next to you, is it.I've never stop next to me, and
(23:00):
I'm rather ashamed to admit it,But I've been dreaming of a wife.
Why that's nothing to be ashamed of. Ray I'm afraid of says it's the
drummer's wife. Well, I thoughtmaybe you were dreaming that I would be
your wife. I'll tell me.Would you love me when I'm weak and
helpless? I do? I'm afraidyou wouldn't find me a very affectionate sweet
(23:21):
heart. I would if you'd findme one, I'll be glad to try.
But you need somebody you care forit. Do you rather get goose
temples? Are there anything like cranberrys? That's what you make pies out of
us? Really? I never tastedthe goose temple pie. Oh, they're
(23:41):
very good, and I love potatochips. So do I do you believe
in taking potato chips to bed?Well? I do it? Seth Leepy.
You know I must stop this elopementright now. What Well, my
heart running away with my head?Oh? Is that romantic? I hope
they'll be happy together, a Gracy, wouldn't you want to run away and
(24:03):
leave the whole world behind us?Yeah? But could we be happy in
Glendale? Well, we could forceourselves at same time. Ray, maybe
you can make my dream come true. Maybe you can grab me in your
arms and carry me away from thispencil existence or welcome this phony life in
Hollywood. I'd like to go toa place that's real, where people live
(24:23):
on the level, and there's noneI believe. I'd love to Gracy,
where do you want me to takeyou to the wrestling matches? Thousands have
already received their copies of Gracey's campaignsong, both for Gracie. You can
have a copy too, complete withmusic and versus the same crazy campaign song
(24:45):
that you hear right on this program. And this sheet music has a big
picture of Gracy on the cover too, wearing her famous funny presidential hat.
This Heine's offer is good for ashort time only. The then't delay sending
in your name and address together withthe Heids honey and Almond cream carton and
one car garden of the twenty fivecent size, the fifty cent size,
or the dollar size. If youuse the ten cent size, Hines,
(25:06):
then send two cartons. Address yourenvelope Gracy Allen, Hollywood, California.
And remember this, the more youuse Heine's lotion for your hands, the
nicer looking your hands should be.For this fine, fragrant lotion is extra
creamy, extra softening the hands thatget dry and chapped doing housework all day
long. Heines is actually a creamyemultion containing two vitamins A and D.
It's famous for giving women the worldover the hands he loves to touch,
(25:30):
soft, thrilling, honeymoon hands.Get Heines honeynumond cream at any toilet goods
counter, and then send the Heinescarton to Gracie Allen for your coffee of
your campaign song. Vote for Gracie. Address your envelope to Gracy Allen,
Hollywood, California. Now, GracioSang, I can't bother with sing,
(25:52):
I can't love you any more.Anymore for the full love anymore, I
would have to be too. Ilove you with my heart, I love
you with the mind. I loveyou, love you, love you all
every fine, So I can't loveyou anymore any more than I do.
(26:15):
I do. I wish that Icould fashion the masterpiece of melody and rhyme
to convey in a clever way howvery much I care. But I have
a bar fall clever things and theirballs what I have to say. Musty
(26:36):
said in a simple way, Ican't love you any more anymore than I
do. For his plot to loveyou love, to love you anymore,
I would have to be too.I love you in the sun, I
love you in the rain. Ilove you in the middle of the horror.
(26:59):
Okay, So I can love youanymore anymore than I do. Steal
told, steal Toe kicks the one, two, three and four five story
datter Fly Fly Fly fly by God, Love you with my stop, love
(27:22):
you with my mind, turned,love you, love you, love you
all there is I fine. SoI can love you any email anymore than
I do. Exist anymal and Ido the sign an animals, and I
do so much and want a goodhand cream then fire the new hands hands
(27:55):
Freeman Jars. It's made with themakers of high and honey and almond cream
and like this famous cream. Ironshand cream is quick softening for chap rough
hands in two sizes ten thirty ninecents each at toilet Goods Counties. Rank
you Coroman, well, gracius,shake, good night, oh good night.
In leaving, I want to coachRed even other great woman Laura my
kangaroo who said crazy will be ournext president. I hapa hapa hapapa a
(28:36):
Next Wednesday, over these same stations, George and Racy and all of us
will be back again. Don't forget, and don't forget or honeymoon hens.
It's time honey almond cream, andremember to next week. If your community
changes to day lifetime, we'll beback at the usual time. But if
your community does not change the daylighttime, we'll be on the air one
hour earlier. Women Bradley saying goodnight. This is the Columbia Broadcast.
(29:00):
Think mister boerring braking thing in theseven step mother can who doesn't talk about
what you do
Hellos and my friends the hands Honeyand Almond Cream programs. He's a little
skipper in the line. Please givethe little girl. Find George Burns and
(00:21):
Iron Honey, Gracie Allen. ButFrank Parker, I ain't no what I'm
the talkers strength coming gladly speaking.One hundred millions wrong. That's right,
you can't go wrong. My friends, thank you, thank you very much.
(00:44):
We're folks. We're having the sameunusual weather here in southern California.
It was raining so hard this morningthat even the footprints in front of Grandma's
Chinese theater we're wearing glasses. Then, wait a minute, Wait a minute,
unusual weather. It's a beautiful day. As a matter of fact,
it's been beautiful all weak. Oh, it's not too bad now. Bob
Hoss won't have anything to talk about. Of course, he can always talk
(01:06):
about Crosby's horses. Yeah. DoesOh and by the way, I saw
one of Crossby's horses at the racetack today. Did you say hello?
Yeah? I said good bye.I was walking too fast. Probably one
dock horse talking to another. Oh, hooray, I guess I brought to
a little present. Ray Noble againI hope you like it. Well,
I can't wait. Do in messids, and there's a long time going it.
(01:30):
This morning I caught it just foryou. Oh it's beautiful. What
is it? It's a lot ofraised hair. That's some present for Reay,
I assure it. Well, I'mglad that's off my chest. Well
(01:53):
there's a pretty little thing. Ohdid you give a present like that?
Certainly takes a lot of talk.Oh, by the way, Gracie,
I reserved that table for two afterthe broadcast, all in the same old
praise, Yes, from the sameold table. Oh good. I just
dying to shoot again a pool andmeet him at nine o'clock behind the eight
(02:14):
ball. Hello, prais, Ohpinky, Well George, how's the Secretary
of State this evening? I'm notthe secretary of State? Well, I
don't know. You look like hullto me. How Variety club's like your
political speech in Dallas? Oh,grant you. But George's speech was asiot.
(02:35):
Really I'm dining here, George.Well, all I said Tom who
was members of the Variety Club.Isn't a scream? Pray? It must
have killed people. Don't say anything, uh, Gracie, when you got
home. Was your kangaroo glad tosee you? Oh you mean moh,
I'll say she ragged your tails somuch, knocked my sister Dessie out of
dead. Kangaroo sleeps with your sisterBesley. Oh it's not that des,
(02:55):
He's very nice. Must be anice little friend. Of course. Monday
night has sleep with the kangaroo andsleep with Dassy and Friday night? Why
does it? Does it? Doesevery Why does everyone want a sleeper press?
Well, she's the only one who'sgot a bed, the only one
who's got a bed. Thanks everybody, Boddy, I'd like to hear Georgia
speed those links from it. Igot up and I said, members of
(03:17):
Riety Gracy, you mean there's onlyone bed in your house? Well,
you'll know how small our apartment is. Oh yeah, I forgot. Oh
it's so small. My daddy hasto shave before he can get into the
bathroom. Then where does he shave? Does he does he use a labber?
No? No, he's stand ina chair. Members of the how
(03:42):
many of you live in this apartment? Oh no, let me see.
There's my little nephew, Parky,and there's and my father. His name
is Parky yes, and my father. What was he named after as he
was born. That's a nice name, Parker. Yes, he's the one
with a revolving head. Then there'sMan, your nephew has a revolving head.
(04:02):
Yeah, you got that from wipinghis face in the roller towel.
Your family certainly gets around kids head. Oh. And then there's my my
uncle Max, old Indian siding held. Yeah, but he's not fighting anymore.
Why not? You can't Indians?Uncle Max. He's the one with
(04:23):
the flat fleet. Yeah, hegot that way having his tat block while
he had his shoes on. George, please the speak, Well, I'll
try again. Members of the VarietyClub, stop me. If you've heard
this before, stop why I've heardit all quiet, very funny thing happened
to me on the way to Dallas. Oh I thought you were born on
the way to Cleveland. That wasanother speech. How many of you live
(04:50):
in this apartment? Well there's sixteen, including Laura and my aunt Clara.
Your aunt Clara, that's the onewith the walk. Yeah, she married
him last March. I mean theone with the ward on her hands.
Yes, him, all right,he's been supporting him since Hilla married.
Well, all right, so sixteenlive in your house. A very funny
thing happened on the way to doseventeen, including mister Phillips. A very
(05:12):
funny thing. Mister Phillip. Yes, who is mister Phillips? Oh,
he's been living with us for twelveyears? Who is it? Oh you
don't know he's been living with youfor twelve years. You don't know who
he is? How do you getthere? Well, we asked the land
lady to bring us another dead andhe was in it. Members of the
Variety Clubs, Veriah, George,I'd like to hear your speech. What
do you think I'm trying to do? Truman? Bob? But never mind?
(05:34):
Ah, why Jude, you're onlykidding. How are we going?
Yeah? Speech was really a bigkist. In Dallas, Wow, members
of the Bridy Club would have beenjust a good ol club. Members of
the Variety Club would have been goodin Glendale? Who members of the Variety
I mean, well, never mind, let's forget it, Hider, that's
(06:00):
a great spreech. And won't wetake me a second? Members of the
Variety clubs. A very funny thinghappened to me while I was flying to
Dallas. I said, to thepilot, Hello, palsy, wealthy George
always ducked as a funny crack likethat. I said, why do all
pilots we have black belts? Iguess what the aviator said to haul up
their pants? How does you know? I used to be a pilot.
(06:23):
So we hurried out of Dallas.And when I got home, guess when
the cousin neighbor was doing. Hewas mowing the coffine. George used to
be a pilot. Is there anyonehere with a little intelligence? Oh?
Coming? Oh boy coming? Wellyou've got as little as anybody. No,
that's what my mother always says.Oh she admitted it. Yes,
he used to be a pone.Go away. Go If why my cousin
(06:46):
Nabel was mowing the coffee, Mykangaroo law was in the kitchen laughing and
laughing and laughing and laughing. Whatwas laughing at? Never was sitting in
a rumble seat tickling it. Ifyou ever to put a piece of wedding
cake under your pillow to dream ofthe man you're going to marry, well
(07:06):
I can tell you a more dependableway to help your dreams come true.
Make yourself so attractive an appealing thatmen will just naturally fall head over heels
in love with you. Use Heineshoney and almond cream regularly to help keep
your hands thrilling to touch. Heinesis extra creamy, extra softening for rough
or tender skin. This fine,fragrant cream helps guard against chapping and that
flaky, dried out look. Evenwhen application of Hines makes your hands look
(07:30):
softer, feel smoother to touch.Use Hines Honey almond cream from tip to
toe. It's a swell body rub. And above all, remember your hands
after every household job and every timeyou take your hands out of water.
Smooth on Hines honey and almond cream. That's the way to help keep your
hands soft and kissable. Then justhear that man of yours say, honey,
there's something about you that just bowlsme over. Every time I touch
(07:53):
your hands, it a soft andadorable They give me a sprill strewn through.
Oh here is fine parting night.My song is an unusual one,
but I think you'll agree with thepretty one. The moon was yellow and
my Heart was young, written byEdgar Leslie and Treading Alice Warm, who
(08:15):
was yell and the nye was asmile brought us together, and I was
wondering whether to beat me again onday long yell, and the fall was
(08:39):
all that vocal inspiration gave me theinclination to give my heart away. Allan,
who hunting you? It be myluck to win? May I look
(09:05):
that fall? My love and myhopes are strong around that cupid fellow,
behold the moon is yellow? Anda romance who hunts me with? It
(09:43):
be my luck to win you.May I look that fall? Mine love
mat on my around that cupid fellow, Behold the moon is yellow? Frank,
(10:31):
how do you reach those high notes? My singing teacher used to be
a popcort, so I knew that. Say Frank Kenny Baker was in Dallas
and he said, the same songyou just did, Kenny Baker, Huh,
who's that? Uh? Huh?Is the coincidence? He asked the
same thing about you. Your ratification, Frank Kenny Baker has the same tone
qualities and this higher registered as noschnettie. Yeah, how would you know
(10:54):
that used to be a pilot?Yea, And not only that he has
no flatnose, wins Kenny Baker,philco Baker, Yes, that's old fella.
Well, A lot of people liketo hear coming through the ride by
Kenny Baker, But I'd rather hearain't misbehaving coming through the nose of George
Burns. That's all. I'll probablyend up as the secretary of the nasal.
(11:15):
Oh, hello, Macy, I'djust didn't get sooner, but I
was off with a boy. Goodbye, John Wilson. Oh, yes,
the fellow who Jack Benny works forMacy. Was your family glad to
see you when you got back fromDollon. Oh yes, especially my grandfather
who doesn't live with a setdy mars. Oh, I'm glad to hear that
he lives on a desert. He'svery wealthy. He's the half owner of
(11:37):
a mirage, of a mirage whoowns the other hat. Oh, some
crazy guys. That's very interesting.He made a lot of money selling waterholes
to saxty people for twenty cents apiece. Must have made a fortune that way.
Well, of course, you reallyonly gets fifteen cents apiece because you
(11:58):
get a nickel back on the whole. He ever gets out of a hole,
who go broke? Yeah, Hennylike crazie. A business like that
is better than the tash mahosh maho. What is that? I don't know.
Clack Gabel mentioned it in the picture. That's gotta laugh. That's because
she wore a funny hat. ClockGabel say in some places say same times,
bigger than clockable. Some places.You are, thank George. I
(12:22):
just assume you wouldn't say they'll drinkthose things about bubble Stigiu. No,
no, you know how a thinglike that spread. Well, don't worry,
Bubble. Just keep your chins up. You know, you know.
I just can't wait for you tobe elected. Jacy. Can you imagine
me on the floor of the Senatemaking a Philly buster like Jimmy Stewart did.
The mister Smith goes to Washington.Do you realize that he spoke for
(12:43):
twenty three hours? And amateur George, I can talk for twenty three days.
I can hear myself now saying,gentlemen of the Senate, the moment
you finished the dishes, give yourhands the creamy comfort of Hindes, honey
and almond. Truman and Truman?Are you gonna do this for twenty three
days? Maybe longer. It feelsgood enough. Frank open the door.
It's then you're too close. Tothe Michael, step back a little,
a little troup a little, Frank, closer door. Nice work, Frank,
(13:09):
Really, that's the first time Iever closed the door on the broadcast.
No, yeah, look, Ican even do it left handed.
Ranks do well, and no,ladies and gentlemen. I'll not only do
what blindfolded, but I would preaka class to war at the same time.
Wait on that door, Frank,I think, Racy, did you
(13:31):
ever see this album of pictures ofme? No? Ray, see if
you recognized everybody in this picture,the group of us in the country.
Oh, what a lovely group.Well, you're all holding up out the
old cookies. No, those areour faces oatmeal. Oatmeal cookies have more
expression. Who is this little chapwith the accordion pleated day? Oh,
(13:52):
that's me when I was four yearsold? And who's that silly looking sap
next to him? That's me whenI was nine day The one standing behind
him is you too? Yes,that's when I was twelve and a half.
In other words, all ten ofthe screw are you all except the
old man with the gray hair?Who's he? Oh that's me when I'll
be sixty. Well, that's anice future for you. Right, I'm
(14:16):
gonna picture of me at home whenI was three years old. I'm all
covered with ice cream. You're allcovered with ice cream. Yeah, my
nice decided to put me in agood humor. That was eccentric, wasn't
it. Nov that's a better flavor. ASA come in if your hands are
rough and read and you want goodevening Burns and Allen programs. Who is
away? I'm George Brian's What canI do for you? You see,
(14:39):
I've been listening with great interest toGracie Allen's presidential campaign. I'm doctor Schmierback,
a psychiatrist. Is that anything likea Republican? I know nothing about
politics? Oh? A Democrat?Doctor? You mean you're interested in your
camping because you're a psychiper exactly.I'd like to ask her a few questions
(15:01):
to see if she's capable of runningthe government. In other words, you
want to test to IQ. Allright? But whether I Q or right,
don't you I'll be elected. I'ma specialist in mental therapeutics. I
watched the mind and see what makesthe tick? What if a dozen tick
tick? Miss Allen? Would youobject to a little psycho analysis? Well?
Negatives Norvin, I only drink tobe sociable, Gracie. What he
(15:24):
means is, how how are yourreflexes? Well? There are all right,
but I get that A pictures withmy brownie A reflex, A reflex,
sort of a jerk, jorgeude yourself? Oh go go? Well if
you are self conscious, mister Burns, you're what we psychiatrists call him,
meaning depressive with a touch of skeizophrenia. Is that so? I'm how can
(15:46):
you tell? He used to bea pile? Everybody has got that now,
Miss Allen. Do you ever feeltaught? Taught? Yes, tense,
like you were being held in avice and slowly strangled to death.
Oh? Yes, yes, lotsof time. What do you do to
overcome it? Oh? I justtake off? He he means. Is
it a mental contraction or a muscularcontraction? Oh? Is this stuff?
(16:07):
One? I gotta just bullets?Nice day, isn't do? Miss Allan?
Yours is a very unusual case.Tell me when you go to sleep
at night, do you see strangethings in your dreams? No? No,
just plain everyday things. Last nightI saw a green leopard with pink
strice. Ah. Now we're gettingsomeplace, Miss Allen. Did it have
an electric fan for a tail?Yeah? Did is made of hot water
(16:30):
bottles? Yes? Doctor, doctor? What are you crying about? She's
full my leopard. Every screwball happensto me, especially that doctor. Oh,
he's a very brainy man. Andtry too. Before I left,
(16:52):
he gave his hands he did.Yeah, here he is. You want
to shake it? How do doctor? Come on? After all happened?
(19:15):
All our grand? Right? Grandsay job? Yeah. When Grace is
elected president and I'm appointed postmaster ofGeneral, I'm gonna wear my hair pompadour
style so i'll have something to keepthe stamps in. Right, when Gracey's
elected, you won't have any hair? Well, then I'll part in the
middle like Jim Poly does. Yeah, Jim Poly's hair is a gunner.
(19:37):
Oh, how do you like that? Frank? Beautiful Chinese flowers? Beautiful
Chinese slitty, smelly. I meanyou too can have beautiful. There a
man in here who said he wasdoctor Schmierbacha, a psychiatrist. Would you
recognize the pang? Quiet? He'san escape lunatic and I'm his nurse.
(20:00):
Lewis is in here. We allpraised. Do you know what he does?
He gets thermometers, breaks them open, drinks the mercury, and throws
away the glass. He must becrazy, certainly, that's the best part.
Well, just leave your address,and that's the door right over there.
(20:21):
Yesterday I killed a man. Youkilled a man? What I was
mad at him? He killed me? First. Look, let's get to
the door, mister. Have younoticed I've been whispering. I lost my
voice when I was crusoe. Well, don't let it get around. But
here's the door. Got him anothersenator your hands. Those guys give me
(20:45):
the creepy Oh, don't be silly. They're no more crazy than I am.
That's what I'm worried about. Youknow, George, you might not
believe it, but when I wasyoung, fellow, I was crazy too,
But I took some treatments, andno time I was cured completely good.
Sure, just every once in awhile, But I'm all right.
Doesn't well that's her, say,grazie. Did you hear joy speech of
(21:07):
the Hollywood boat Saturday night? Oh? Yeah? So where does he come
off telling the people he doesn't likethe way I'm running the government. You
never said such a thing. Webetter not criticizing non national debt will.
We ought to be proud of it. It's the biggest one in the world.
Gracie, you know nothing about politics. Do you know anything about the
RFC? Are you familiar with theDies Committee? Oh? Please judge.
(21:32):
When a girl's running for president,she can't be too familiar with anybody.
I can't wait, not the votefor you, say not to tind you
we received our calico presses. Allwe means of my Omaha condenns next month?
Yes, but mine is two beafter all, I only weigh three
hundred pounds with my girdle arms.Well, what are you await without your
girdle? I don't know. I'venever been able to get at all.
(21:55):
Well, don't worry. Someday he'llsnap out of it. Come in,
I marmond cream and everyone, goodevening. I'm looking for two men.
One says he's a psychiatrist and theother says he's a male nurse. And
who are you? I am thechief your far from the Lunatic Commission.
You'll never guess who I am?Who are you? I'm going to be
(22:17):
the next first Lady of the land. And the reason I'm whispering is because
I lost my voice when I wasCrusoe. This is our next postmaster,
jimbo. Oh if that's all Ishould hope to scare you? Well,
you're the two guys I want.Now. Come on, you know Gracie,
(22:37):
this is the first time you andI have ever been alone? Yeah,
you and me both? Are youhappy now? I'm Racy? You
must be happy now I'm Raymond.Then we're still alone. It's wonderful sitting
next to you, is it.I've never stop next to me, and
(23:00):
I'm rather ashamed to admit it,But I've been dreaming of a wife.
Why that's nothing to be ashamed of. Ray I'm afraid of says it's the
drummer's wife. Well, I thoughtmaybe you were dreaming that I would be
your wife. I'll tell me.Would you love me when I'm weak and
helpless? I do? I'm afraidyou wouldn't find me a very affectionate sweet
(23:21):
heart. I would if you'd findme one, I'll be glad to try.
But you need somebody you care forit. Do you rather get goose
temples? Are there anything like cranberrys? That's what you make pies out of
us? Really? I never tastedthe goose temple pie. Oh, they're
(23:41):
very good, and I love potatochips. So do I do you believe
in taking potato chips to bed?Well? I do it? Seth Leepy.
You know I must stop this elopementright now. What Well, my
heart running away with my head?Oh? Is that romantic? I hope
they'll be happy together, a Gracy, wouldn't you want to run away and
(24:03):
leave the whole world behind us?Yeah? But could we be happy in
Glendale? Well, we could forceourselves at same time. Ray, maybe
you can make my dream come true. Maybe you can grab me in your
arms and carry me away from thispencil existence or welcome this phony life in
Hollywood. I'd like to go toa place that's real, where people live
(24:23):
on the level, and there's noneI believe. I'd love to Gracy,
where do you want me to takeyou to the wrestling matches? Thousands have
already received their copies of Gracey's campaignsong, both for Gracie. You can
have a copy too, complete withmusic and versus the same crazy campaign song
(24:45):
that you hear right on this program. And this sheet music has a big
picture of Gracy on the cover too, wearing her famous funny presidential hat.
This Heine's offer is good for ashort time only. The then't delay sending
in your name and address together withthe Heids honey and Almond cream carton and
one car garden of the twenty fivecent size, the fifty cent size,
or the dollar size. If youuse the ten cent size, Hines,
(25:06):
then send two cartons. Address yourenvelope Gracy Allen, Hollywood, California.
And remember this, the more youuse Heine's lotion for your hands, the
nicer looking your hands should be.For this fine, fragrant lotion is extra
creamy, extra softening the hands thatget dry and chapped doing housework all day
long. Heines is actually a creamyemultion containing two vitamins A and D.
It's famous for giving women the worldover the hands he loves to touch,
(25:30):
soft, thrilling, honeymoon hands.Get Heines honeynumond cream at any toilet goods
counter, and then send the Heinescarton to Gracie Allen for your coffee of
your campaign song. Vote for Gracie. Address your envelope to Gracy Allen,
Hollywood, California. Now, GracioSang, I can't bother with sing,
(25:52):
I can't love you any more.Anymore for the full love anymore, I
would have to be too. Ilove you with my heart, I love
you with the mind. I loveyou, love you, love you all
every fine, So I can't loveyou anymore any more than I do.
(26:15):
I do. I wish that Icould fashion the masterpiece of melody and rhyme
to convey in a clever way howvery much I care. But I have
a bar fall clever things and theirballs what I have to say. Musty
(26:36):
said in a simple way, Ican't love you any more anymore than I
do. For his plot to loveyou love, to love you anymore,
I would have to be too.I love you in the sun, I
love you in the rain. Ilove you in the middle of the horror.
(26:59):
Okay, So I can love youanymore anymore than I do. Steal
told, steal Toe kicks the one, two, three and four five story
datter Fly Fly Fly fly by God, Love you with my stop, love
(27:22):
you with my mind, turned,love you, love you, love you
all there is I fine. SoI can love you any email anymore than
I do. Exist anymal and Ido the sign an animals, and I
do so much and want a goodhand cream then fire the new hands hands
(27:55):
Freeman Jars. It's made with themakers of high and honey and almond cream
and like this famous cream. Ironshand cream is quick softening for chap rough
hands in two sizes ten thirty ninecents each at toilet Goods Counties. Rank
you Coroman, well, gracius,shake, good night, oh good night.
In leaving, I want to coachRed even other great woman Laura my
kangaroo who said crazy will be ournext president. I hapa hapa hapapa a
(28:36):
Next Wednesday, over these same stations, George and Racy and all of us
will be back again. Don't forget, and don't forget or honeymoon hens.
It's time honey almond cream, andremember to next week. If your community
changes to day lifetime, we'll beback at the usual time. But if
your community does not change the daylighttime, we'll be on the air one
hour earlier. Women Bradley saying goodnight. This is the Columbia Broadcast.
(29:00):
Think mister boerring braking thing in theseven step mother can who doesn't talk about
what you do
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