December 5, 2023 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, Shun my friends, thehind Honey of Almond Cream programs, right
little Starling George Burns and hind HoneyGracy Allen with Frank Parker Reynoble and his
(00:25):
orchestra and Human Bradley speaking a hundredmillion song that's right to pay a long
Thank you very much, wild boys. We're back in Hollywood after the convention
(00:45):
in Omaha, and what a timewe oh, yes, a wonderful reception.
You realize, Gracia, there wereabout one hundred thousand people on the
street and the station to greet you. And what about the one man that's
that hold of me? Yeah rightthrough you said, Yeah, I love
those torks, light parades and thousandsof girls throwing kisses at me, all
that I'm tight, Because I'm tight. There's a lot of kick I got,
(01:06):
Gracie, when I saw you ridingdown the main street with the police
escort and Mayor Butler of Omaha sittingon your right hand and Governor Cochran sitting
on your left hand. Oh yeah, you see it was cold, and
I said, that's my glove,Well that covers that. Did you ever
see so many people in your life? Bubbles? No? And it was
the first time I ever saw acloud bigger than I am. Right.
(01:27):
See, that was a beautiful restyour wall when you made your acceptance.
Well, I heard made especially formy campaign. Had a pretty low cut
back. Well I'm not like theother candidates, I believe in coming right
off the open. Well, atleast you were showing plenty of backbone.
Well, I'll tell you I nearlydidn't wait, George. You know I
(01:52):
never saw so many people at oneplace in my life. I'll tell you.
The congestion was awful. And boy, what a time I had parking.
But no, you know I neverhad trouble talking trumans. I usually
have trouble after I park, ifyou know what I mean. You see,
when I'm not driving with a boy, we just take a stop,
pull up the break and cuts ranby the way. What happened to you
(02:15):
the knight of Gracist Convention? Oh? I was out all living with a
very cute girl. And did wehave fun? I see you don't bother
with convention. No, that's whywe had so much fun. My biggest
thrill was to be made honorary mayorof Boys Town. But you know I
was surprised. I couldn't find MickyRooney there. Well, maybe boys town
(02:38):
didn't take up his option. Oh, don't be silly, too big,
too hair option. Oh yes,just looking at those boys, Gracey reminded
me of my childhood. You meanme awkwarday, when you look kind of
funny and the girls won't go withyou stops at thirteen? You know when
did it over? I don't know, but I hope soon. Mine is
(03:00):
coming to an end. Next year, I say, Gracie, I'm sorry
I had to find a San Franciscoafter the broadcast and missed your acceptance speech.
Ah, it was the un description, simply breasttaking thousands of people,
ten bands, people, cheering delegatesmall over the country. Oh yes,
and when Raymond Y McGrath made thenominating speaker, I'll never forget raise.
His rage is still ringing in myears. And when he's dead. Do
(03:23):
not speak of the qualifications of ourcandidate for this high office. Everyone knows
the qualifications which she possesses, andknowing them, are for her anyway.
And so because of these things whichI have said, and because of many
(03:44):
things which I have not said,and because of the Omahat Chamber of Commerce
and because this is the time designatedfor me to do so, because I
have to get back to my peanutwagon. I hear my nominate for president
of the Unit of staith Racy Alan, I'm a hooray. All of the
(04:09):
states. Hey, Hey, someCalifornia. Hey of New York. Hey,
take some concisions. Now the scarsare dying down. We're about to
hear the acceptance speech of our candidate, the Uncle Gracie. Ladies and gentlemen,
(04:34):
members of the Surprise Party, citizensof Omaha, and friends. I
want to thank you for nominating NewYork candidates for presidents. As I look
around here in this coliseum and seethousands of trusting, believing thais You's shining
up at me with love and respect, tears come to my eyes, and
you know why is killing me?If then if I'm elected next November,
(05:00):
and it's bound to come, itusually does come right after October, I'll
be the first lady president that thiscountry has ever had. This campaign of
mine hasn't been easy. My opponentshaven't given me plenty of worries. But
I said to myself, Grace,I always come solf Wace wan Tom.
(05:21):
Talking to myself, I said gracedoe like a tea cattle. When you're
up to your neck and half water, continue to sing. You see,
when you're singing like a teakettle,you can also read off steam. At
the same time, if you've listenedto my opponents, you will have to
admit that they have been very outspoken, and I'm the one who outspoke them.
(05:43):
Their attacks have only made me allthe prettier. The mud that they
throw turned out to be beauty plays. I've come. I've given the library
in Congress time and time again,and I want to tell you that it's
a shame. There is no goodin the place. The newspapers have asked
me what I think of the littleman, Well, I think they're cute.
(06:08):
The reason we need a woman inthe presidential chair is to pave the
way for other political jobs for women, such as the lady senators and lady
congressman. Anybody knows that a womanis much better than a man when it
comes to introducing bills into the House. Just look, just look at all
(06:28):
the famous women in history. Themother of Julius Caesar was a woman.
Napoleon's wife was a woman. Whyhalf of the married people in the United
States are women. Naturally, thereare candidates running in opposition to me.
Now, I have been in thecity of Omaha only three days, and
I kiss May Butler twice. Canmy opponents match that? Some people say
(06:55):
to me, don't count your chickensbefore they're hatch Gracie, you haven't been
elected yet. Of course, thereis a remote possibility of that. But
should such a thing happen, I'llsay what mister Dione said to the nurse
when she told him that he wasthe father of quinciplet. I demander recount.
(07:16):
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen,I want to thank you for nominating
me. Be true to yourself bybeing true to the Surprise Party. Stick
with us until we get to Washington. Remember the banana, When it leaves
the punch, it gets skinned.Well, Grace, I'm certainly sorry.
(07:41):
I couldn't say amah to hear thatfeet and ray. The night of the
convention, a very funny thing happenedto me. I try to get into
the colosseum, but they didn't knowwho it was, so they threw me
out of the back door. SoI told him who he was, that's
right, and they invited me andagain, how would you like to get
a dollar's worth of hand lotion foronly forty nine cent? Well, that's
(08:03):
exactly what you get in the HeinesHoney and Almond Cream Special, only forty
nine cents for the big dollar sizeHines water price than water lotion. Hein's
Honey Almond Cream brings extra creamy,extra soothing comfort to your dry, rough
hands, and it's cooling to sunburnedskin too. This big money saving Heinz
Special is selling fast, so hurrysave half price now on Heine's Big dollar
(08:24):
size. Why even at its regularprice, this dollar Heins Honey Almond Cream
is famous as the family Economy bottle. It contains over twice as much lotion
as the regular fifty cent bottle.And with this forty nine cent Hines Autograph
special, you also get a GracieAlan autograph. It's on the bottle and
it's detachable. Get Heines forty ninecent special tonight and use Heines regularly for
(08:45):
softer, prettier hands. Remember,the big dollar bottle of Heine's honeyn Almond
Cream is on sale for forty ninecents for a limited time only. And
now Frank Parker Rank thanks tonight,bombs, play hards lovel another day as
it is my heart alone, Frankis my heart and without you lifele your
(09:22):
MOI O U love you efy mewith w whens in your part of your
(09:45):
fi, there is no fall afor me as your voice wipes my love.
You'mightly with lies Wells in your yourline, there is no to me
(10:48):
at your voice whisp hi lo canI say? Until I saw your convention,
(11:11):
I didn't think a silly campaign likethis would get so far. But
now that we're nominated, we don'tbe so plural, George Wells, there's
no time for modesty. I feelour party needs a business leader, a
person with foresight, engineority brains,intelligence. Oh, we'll have to get
somebody else, George. I can'tsee everything, So as your new campaign
(11:33):
manager, I've got some ideas inmy head that will lead us to victory.
Sort of a hollow victory. That'sso. Anyway, We're going to
San Francisco next week and come ingood evening. I'm ed Pettis. What
are you taking for it? Please? I'm George Burns. Oh you want
it on the phone outside on thephone, say it might be important.
(11:54):
I'll be right back. He's notwanted on the telephone, Miss Allen,
I just wanted to bring you amessage from the surprise party headquarters. I've
come to tell you about one mistakein your campaign. Well, shouldn't George
here? That is, he's themistake. We've got to get rid of
him. What have you any ideawhat George means to me? Have you
(12:18):
any idea of what we've been toeach other? Get rid of George?
How can I get rid of George? Does anybody got the ideas? Miss
Allen? You're going to San Francisconext week and you're going to do a
campaign speech and a broadcast, andwe of San Francisco are very progressive.
We got rid of ferry boats,we got rid of miniature golf, we
got rid of horse cars. Soyou can certainly get rid of George.
(12:41):
Goodbye. That's that. The questionis how to get rid of him?
Now? Let's see, how aboutthrowing him off a high building now he
gets busy, Uh, crazie.How about drowning him? No, the
cat is cold, easily eat youone. How about giving him some cyanide
phil huh mmm, No, they'retoo pack me. How about shooting him.
(13:05):
No, no, no, Icouldn't possibly do that. I haven't
got a license. Oh, Gracie, Gracie, I got an idea.
It's make him think he's sick andwire of him to death. Oh well,
here I am back again, misterPettis, I was in every folk.
Where's that man that was in here? The man? What man?
(13:26):
The man who sent me outside?There was no man here? Then?
Why is like? What? Well? You didn't go out? No?
Wait a minute. If I wasn'there and I didn't go out, where
have I been? George? Doyou feel all right? I never felt
better in my life. Frank,get him a glass of water. I
(13:46):
don't want any water. I wantto ask for it. I didn't ask
for it. Well, then giveit back to me. I haven't got
it, okare George? You're tryingto make us think you're crazy something.
Look I was never saying her inmy life. That's what we're worried about.
You. Look, we haven't gotany time to lose now. Next
(14:07):
week we're going to San Francisco.Gracie. When is George's birthday next month?
Oh? Too bad? He wouldhave been thirty nine? You mean,
would have been thirty nine? Iwill be thirty nine. You want
to bet by it, Frank,I'm not Frank, I'm Truman Bradley.
If you're Truman Bradley, who's this? I said, who's this? George?
(14:31):
Where you're fighting? There's nobody there? Now. Look, folks,
I've had a hectic week and Ireally don't feel with George. You're just
worrying for nothing. You're not halfas sick as you look. Thanks.
You've probably got a little touch ofbrisola of the Bazola, brisola of the
(14:52):
Brazili. Yeah, oh, withreally nothing. Very few people ever die
of it. Oh good, onlythe ones who've had it. Well,
how long do you think I've gotto live? Well, I'll give you
a little hint. Don't sigh anall day sucker. All right, so
I'm shack. But anyway, we'vegot to go to San Francis, going
(15:15):
see what are the symptoms of theBrazil? Well, why I get upset?
If you've got to see your popsywill show it? Well what if
I haven't got him? Well,then you died of something else. I
feel better. I'll tell you howto get rid of it. The first
day you cut out meat. Thesecond day you cut out starches, and
the third day you cut out liquids? What do I cut out? The
(15:35):
fourth day? Paper dolls? Thesole of the brasola. I never heard
of that, you know. Idon't think we should talk that way about
George. He's such a nice fellawYes, that song, that song of
his ain't misbehaving. I don't knowwhy we let that upset us. I
mean other people sing off Tito,I wonder have had a sound on a
hop n never was a better pal. Yeah, he was a nice kid.
(15:58):
He is kind. Consider it foryou with his money. I'm gonna
miss I'll never forget his stay.Is it awful? It's like a bad
gream. Can you imagine how Ifeel when I get up and say,
don't forget to use hands, honeyand almond cream. It's good for rougherend
(16:19):
faces. My heart will be brokenwhen I say you can get it any
toilet goods. Counter tum Truman,what are you talking about? A dollar
bottle? And why are you crying? They're selling it for forty nine So
(18:02):
reading, let ladies and gentlemen,due to conditions over which we have no
(19:42):
control. George is still living,however, with the help of a sleeping
powder and a small mallet. Wenow have him scrapped him there here in
the studio emergency hospital with a castacting as the medical stats. And here
we are. Look, he's breathingheavy. Oh I hope it can last
(20:03):
a few minutes longer. Why,well, he's got three more balloons to
blow up for our party tonight.More. Oh, look, he's coming
too, he is. I needto start him the flat. What a
time to ain't behaven by show beforehe gets to the car, give him
(20:27):
a sleeping came the one with ahandle. Hey hey, now remember before
he comes to We've got to keephim here so we can't get to San
Francisco. Oh now, don't forgetBubbles and I are Nursie and Schumann.
You and Ray are doctors, andFranks you're the patient in the next day.
Okay, but let me give Georgethe next sleeping tabel. Oh yeah,
(20:48):
George, get a pang out ofit. Whoa oh, behavor show
Behaven. Oh oh and now justmy quietly, mister Burns, you are
suffering from a very horrible malady.That that melody. I'm mister Haven,
(21:10):
what happened? What am I doinghere? Well? Do you opright operated
on for Prisolazola. Did I haveit back to back, back to back,
Gracie Gracy? Yes, yes,just my quietly grace. You will
be here in a minute. No, right, you're Gracy now? No,
I'm no Crowley. You're delirious,mister Burns. Just take it easy.
(21:33):
Why am I tied down? Well, this room happens to be upside
down. We don't want you tofall out of bed. Well, listen
to me, Raynoble, I'm notthe Ray Noble. I'm doctor Frank Burter
skin especially. Oh, this isgoing from bride to worst. Frank,
what are you doing in the nextbread? What's the matter with you?
Do you mean me? Buddy?My name is Frank. I'm JV.
(21:56):
Didn't fest Junior. J V didn'tfirst Juniors? Yeah? I was named
after my son. Hi. Youhaven't got a son? Could I help
it? If he died before Iwas born? What is say Truman?
I'm not Truman. I'm doctor AlvinJohnson. I'll say if he's Truman,
Bradley, what's good for? Rough? Right hands? I don't know.
(22:18):
I'm in here a specialist? Youare? Huh? What do you get?
A tiler? Goos counts the salesgirl's phone number. That's come here?
You mean me? Yes, I'msorry, I can't talk. Why
not? I'm an octagen tan.I don't know. I hope this is
(22:41):
a dream. Mister Dranes. Whythe spoon swallowing and spoon by guys,
he's a medicine beople. I'd Iforgot to stare it. Hurry up,
I want a sleeping tablet Oh,Bland the old boy. This one's on
me. Oh, Jim's a gentlemanas cigar, thanks, fellow gulman.
(23:04):
We better get a bottle of beerfor George. Really is the first team?
No, he's a nick I wantto give him a cornfusion. Yes,
but Gracie, what if it killshim? Well, we still get
a nickel back in the bottle.George Jufsey look awful. Yeah she gets
well? Or do something. I'vegot a day to see a double features?
(23:26):
What is the devil's feet? I'mwilson. Look George waking up again.
Perhaps we ought to give him someof him and really put him to
sleep. Well, we're not allowedto give him any dope. I mean
we're not allowed to give him anydope. Ain't rush behaving album our shof
(23:48):
Oh what a terrible clump. Yea, he certainly is. Hey. Look
look, Oks, George is hardlymoving. Get up, I say,
George, come on, get up, well in room and trewman. Let's
tap his knee and Testa's reflexes.Okay, Frank, he kept his knee,
but nothing happened. Yeah, whatabout the jakes. He's still unconscious.
I said, this is getting serious. Frank, you better go out
(24:11):
and get a real doctor. PoorGeorge to think he won't be able to
get up and go to San Francisco. Look at that bump on his head.
It looks like Troyce Ryan, andhis nerve looks like Novehill. Look
at him with his mouth opened,it looks like a golden gate. I
can stay the bridge, doctor rocheous. Uh uh? How long has he
(24:36):
been dead? Doctor? That's verynoble. This is a patient. Let's
see. No pulse, no color, no blood pressure, no respiration,
no reflection. He ain't got nothinghad pretty void. It was a very
(24:59):
serious case. He's got to beremoved immediately. Oh good. There's only
one place where we can save him. That's the Grand View Sanitarium. And
I'd better take him their immediately,San Francisco. When you read a romantic
love story, doesn't it make youdream of such happiness for yourself, of
(25:22):
strong arms holding you close and warm, thrilling kisses. Of course it does,
and you can help make those dreamscome true. Keep yourself just as
attractive and appealing and feminine as youknow how. For one thing, make
good use of Heinds Honey and AlmondCream. This fine, fragrant lotion helps
keep your hands looking smooth, smellingfragrant, and feeling thrilling to a man's
(25:42):
touch. And don't forget. Nowis the time for all women to buy
Hines. Why because it's on specialsale. You get the big dollar size
for only forty nine cents, lessthan half price. Just walk up to
a toilet goods counter, put downforty nine cents and you get the dollar
size. Hindes Honey Almond Cream thebiggest hand lotion special of nineteen hundred forty.
(26:03):
It contains over twice as much lotionas the regular fifty cent bottle.
And this is the same fine Heine'sHoney and Almond cream you've always known,
extra creamy, extra softening. Askfor Haines forty nine cent special tonight.
It's an autograph special two with adetachable Gracie Allen autograph on the bottle.
Remember this offered is good for alimited time only. The price is less
(26:23):
than half only forty nine cents forthe big dollar size are pines, honey
and almond cream. Lord Gracie Wiresaying I can't love you. I can't
love you and you are anymore thanI forty four love you any more,
(26:47):
I would have to be too hellolywith my helloly with my mind the love
you love you, love you allthe reason I fine, the yes,
love you any any more than Ido? I do. I wish that
I had could bash your master peabilityin rhyme to convey in a clever way
(27:08):
how very much I am, ButI haven't. The playfall clever things in
their fall. What I have tosay must be said in a simple way.
I have loved you with anything moreand more than I do. For
(27:30):
this philocy, love glose he lovedyou anymore, I would have to be
too. I love you in thesunday, I love you in the rain,
I love you in the middle ofthe hurricane. So I says,
love you any any more than Ido here, so her toe kits with
(27:53):
the one, two three and thefall five six. Daughter yea fly fly
flies, fly fly flies. Loveyou with my heart up, love you
with my mind, so love thereis time, Love you ever any more
(28:15):
than I do egit any Now.You can enjoy both hands Lotion and bubbles
(28:37):
and Hinds hands Cream and jars.Those smart red and white jars contain the
fluffiest, creamiest hand cream Hinds couldmake. It comes in two sizes,
ten cents and thirty nine cents thejar, and don't forget the big Heinds
Lotion Special the dollar size for onlyforty nine cents. Wild Gracie Shay good
night, Oh go'dge jesting Next weekRay Frank Truman's bubbles and I will all
be up and down Cisco Gracie.Aren't you forgetting me now? Oh good
(29:00):
night, though explains to join usat the same time. This is Truman
Bradley wishing you a good night forhig Antony rmondream. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System
Hello, Shun my friends, thehind Honey of Almond Cream programs, right
little Starling George Burns and hind HoneyGracy Allen with Frank Parker Reynoble and his
(00:25):
orchestra and Human Bradley speaking a hundredmillion song that's right to pay a long
Thank you very much, wild boys. We're back in Hollywood after the convention
(00:45):
in Omaha, and what a timewe oh, yes, a wonderful reception.
You realize, Gracia, there wereabout one hundred thousand people on the
street and the station to greet you. And what about the one man that's
that hold of me? Yeah rightthrough you said, Yeah, I love
those torks, light parades and thousandsof girls throwing kisses at me, all
that I'm tight, Because I'm tight. There's a lot of kick I got,
(01:06):
Gracie, when I saw you ridingdown the main street with the police
escort and Mayor Butler of Omaha sittingon your right hand and Governor Cochran sitting
on your left hand. Oh yeah, you see it was cold, and
I said, that's my glove,Well that covers that. Did you ever
see so many people in your life? Bubbles? No? And it was
the first time I ever saw acloud bigger than I am. Right.
(01:27):
See, that was a beautiful restyour wall when you made your acceptance.
Well, I heard made especially formy campaign. Had a pretty low cut
back. Well I'm not like theother candidates, I believe in coming right
off the open. Well, atleast you were showing plenty of backbone.
Well, I'll tell you I nearlydidn't wait, George. You know I
(01:52):
never saw so many people at oneplace in my life. I'll tell you.
The congestion was awful. And boy, what a time I had parking.
But no, you know I neverhad trouble talking trumans. I usually
have trouble after I park, ifyou know what I mean. You see,
when I'm not driving with a boy, we just take a stop,
pull up the break and cuts ranby the way. What happened to you
(02:15):
the knight of Gracist Convention? Oh? I was out all living with a
very cute girl. And did wehave fun? I see you don't bother
with convention. No, that's whywe had so much fun. My biggest
thrill was to be made honorary mayorof Boys Town. But you know I
was surprised. I couldn't find MickyRooney there. Well, maybe boys town
(02:38):
didn't take up his option. Oh, don't be silly, too big,
too hair option. Oh yes,just looking at those boys, Gracey reminded
me of my childhood. You meanme awkwarday, when you look kind of
funny and the girls won't go withyou stops at thirteen? You know when
did it over? I don't know, but I hope soon. Mine is
(03:00):
coming to an end. Next year, I say, Gracie, I'm sorry
I had to find a San Franciscoafter the broadcast and missed your acceptance speech.
Ah, it was the un description, simply breasttaking thousands of people,
ten bands, people, cheering delegatesmall over the country. Oh yes,
and when Raymond Y McGrath made thenominating speaker, I'll never forget raise.
His rage is still ringing in myears. And when he's dead. Do
(03:23):
not speak of the qualifications of ourcandidate for this high office. Everyone knows
the qualifications which she possesses, andknowing them, are for her anyway.
And so because of these things whichI have said, and because of many
(03:44):
things which I have not said,and because of the Omahat Chamber of Commerce
and because this is the time designatedfor me to do so, because I
have to get back to my peanutwagon. I hear my nominate for president
of the Unit of staith Racy Alan, I'm a hooray. All of the
(04:09):
states. Hey, Hey, someCalifornia. Hey of New York. Hey,
take some concisions. Now the scarsare dying down. We're about to
hear the acceptance speech of our candidate, the Uncle Gracie. Ladies and gentlemen,
(04:34):
members of the Surprise Party, citizensof Omaha, and friends. I
want to thank you for nominating NewYork candidates for presidents. As I look
around here in this coliseum and seethousands of trusting, believing thais You's shining
up at me with love and respect, tears come to my eyes, and
you know why is killing me?If then if I'm elected next November,
(05:00):
and it's bound to come, itusually does come right after October, I'll
be the first lady president that thiscountry has ever had. This campaign of
mine hasn't been easy. My opponentshaven't given me plenty of worries. But
I said to myself, Grace,I always come solf Wace wan Tom.
(05:21):
Talking to myself, I said gracedoe like a tea cattle. When you're
up to your neck and half water, continue to sing. You see,
when you're singing like a teakettle,you can also read off steam. At
the same time, if you've listenedto my opponents, you will have to
admit that they have been very outspoken, and I'm the one who outspoke them.
(05:43):
Their attacks have only made me allthe prettier. The mud that they
throw turned out to be beauty plays. I've come. I've given the library
in Congress time and time again,and I want to tell you that it's
a shame. There is no goodin the place. The newspapers have asked
me what I think of the littleman, Well, I think they're cute.
(06:08):
The reason we need a woman inthe presidential chair is to pave the
way for other political jobs for women, such as the lady senators and lady
congressman. Anybody knows that a womanis much better than a man when it
comes to introducing bills into the House. Just look, just look at all
(06:28):
the famous women in history. Themother of Julius Caesar was a woman.
Napoleon's wife was a woman. Whyhalf of the married people in the United
States are women. Naturally, thereare candidates running in opposition to me.
Now, I have been in thecity of Omaha only three days, and
I kiss May Butler twice. Canmy opponents match that? Some people say
(06:55):
to me, don't count your chickensbefore they're hatch Gracie, you haven't been
elected yet. Of course, thereis a remote possibility of that. But
should such a thing happen, I'llsay what mister Dione said to the nurse
when she told him that he wasthe father of quinciplet. I demander recount.
(07:16):
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen,I want to thank you for nominating
me. Be true to yourself bybeing true to the Surprise Party. Stick
with us until we get to Washington. Remember the banana, When it leaves
the punch, it gets skinned.Well, Grace, I'm certainly sorry.
(07:41):
I couldn't say amah to hear thatfeet and ray. The night of the
convention, a very funny thing happenedto me. I try to get into
the colosseum, but they didn't knowwho it was, so they threw me
out of the back door. SoI told him who he was, that's
right, and they invited me andagain, how would you like to get
a dollar's worth of hand lotion foronly forty nine cent? Well, that's
(08:03):
exactly what you get in the HeinesHoney and Almond Cream Special, only forty
nine cents for the big dollar sizeHines water price than water lotion. Hein's
Honey Almond Cream brings extra creamy,extra soothing comfort to your dry, rough
hands, and it's cooling to sunburnedskin too. This big money saving Heinz
Special is selling fast, so hurrysave half price now on Heine's Big dollar
(08:24):
size. Why even at its regularprice, this dollar Heins Honey Almond Cream
is famous as the family Economy bottle. It contains over twice as much lotion
as the regular fifty cent bottle.And with this forty nine cent Hines Autograph
special, you also get a GracieAlan autograph. It's on the bottle and
it's detachable. Get Heines forty ninecent special tonight and use Heines regularly for
(08:45):
softer, prettier hands. Remember,the big dollar bottle of Heine's honeyn Almond
Cream is on sale for forty ninecents for a limited time only. And
now Frank Parker Rank thanks tonight,bombs, play hards lovel another day as
it is my heart alone, Frankis my heart and without you lifele your
(09:22):
MOI O U love you efy mewith w whens in your part of your
(09:45):
fi, there is no fall afor me as your voice wipes my love.
You'mightly with lies Wells in your yourline, there is no to me
(10:48):
at your voice whisp hi lo canI say? Until I saw your convention,
(11:11):
I didn't think a silly campaign likethis would get so far. But
now that we're nominated, we don'tbe so plural, George Wells, there's
no time for modesty. I feelour party needs a business leader, a
person with foresight, engineority brains,intelligence. Oh, we'll have to get
somebody else, George. I can'tsee everything, So as your new campaign
(11:33):
manager, I've got some ideas inmy head that will lead us to victory.
Sort of a hollow victory. That'sso. Anyway, We're going to
San Francisco next week and come ingood evening. I'm ed Pettis. What
are you taking for it? Please? I'm George Burns. Oh you want
it on the phone outside on thephone, say it might be important.
(11:54):
I'll be right back. He's notwanted on the telephone, Miss Allen,
I just wanted to bring you amessage from the surprise party headquarters. I've
come to tell you about one mistakein your campaign. Well, shouldn't George
here? That is, he's themistake. We've got to get rid of
him. What have you any ideawhat George means to me? Have you
(12:18):
any idea of what we've been toeach other? Get rid of George?
How can I get rid of George? Does anybody got the ideas? Miss
Allen? You're going to San Francisconext week and you're going to do a
campaign speech and a broadcast, andwe of San Francisco are very progressive.
We got rid of ferry boats,we got rid of miniature golf, we
got rid of horse cars. Soyou can certainly get rid of George.
(12:41):
Goodbye. That's that. The questionis how to get rid of him?
Now? Let's see, how aboutthrowing him off a high building now he
gets busy, Uh, crazie.How about drowning him? No, the
cat is cold, easily eat youone. How about giving him some cyanide
phil huh mmm, No, they'retoo pack me. How about shooting him.
(13:05):
No, no, no, Icouldn't possibly do that. I haven't
got a license. Oh, Gracie, Gracie, I got an idea.
It's make him think he's sick andwire of him to death. Oh well,
here I am back again, misterPettis, I was in every folk.
Where's that man that was in here? The man? What man?
(13:26):
The man who sent me outside?There was no man here? Then?
Why is like? What? Well? You didn't go out? No?
Wait a minute. If I wasn'there and I didn't go out, where
have I been? George? Doyou feel all right? I never felt
better in my life. Frank,get him a glass of water. I
(13:46):
don't want any water. I wantto ask for it. I didn't ask
for it. Well, then giveit back to me. I haven't got
it, okare George? You're tryingto make us think you're crazy something.
Look I was never saying her inmy life. That's what we're worried about.
You. Look, we haven't gotany time to lose now. Next
(14:07):
week we're going to San Francisco.Gracie. When is George's birthday next month?
Oh? Too bad? He wouldhave been thirty nine? You mean,
would have been thirty nine? Iwill be thirty nine. You want
to bet by it, Frank,I'm not Frank, I'm Truman Bradley.
If you're Truman Bradley, who's this? I said, who's this? George?
(14:31):
Where you're fighting? There's nobody there? Now. Look, folks,
I've had a hectic week and Ireally don't feel with George. You're just
worrying for nothing. You're not halfas sick as you look. Thanks.
You've probably got a little touch ofbrisola of the Bazola, brisola of the
(14:52):
Brazili. Yeah, oh, withreally nothing. Very few people ever die
of it. Oh good, onlythe ones who've had it. Well,
how long do you think I've gotto live? Well, I'll give you
a little hint. Don't sigh anall day sucker. All right, so
I'm shack. But anyway, we'vegot to go to San Francis, going
(15:15):
see what are the symptoms of theBrazil? Well, why I get upset?
If you've got to see your popsywill show it? Well what if
I haven't got him? Well,then you died of something else. I
feel better. I'll tell you howto get rid of it. The first
day you cut out meat. Thesecond day you cut out starches, and
the third day you cut out liquids? What do I cut out? The
(15:35):
fourth day? Paper dolls? Thesole of the brasola. I never heard
of that, you know. Idon't think we should talk that way about
George. He's such a nice fellawYes, that song, that song of
his ain't misbehaving. I don't knowwhy we let that upset us. I
mean other people sing off Tito,I wonder have had a sound on a
hop n never was a better pal. Yeah, he was a nice kid.
(15:58):
He is kind. Consider it foryou with his money. I'm gonna
miss I'll never forget his stay.Is it awful? It's like a bad
gream. Can you imagine how Ifeel when I get up and say,
don't forget to use hands, honeyand almond cream. It's good for rougherend
(16:19):
faces. My heart will be brokenwhen I say you can get it any
toilet goods. Counter tum Truman,what are you talking about? A dollar
bottle? And why are you crying? They're selling it for forty nine So
(18:02):
reading, let ladies and gentlemen,due to conditions over which we have no
(19:42):
control. George is still living,however, with the help of a sleeping
powder and a small mallet. Wenow have him scrapped him there here in
the studio emergency hospital with a castacting as the medical stats. And here
we are. Look, he's breathingheavy. Oh I hope it can last
(20:03):
a few minutes longer. Why,well, he's got three more balloons to
blow up for our party tonight.More. Oh, look, he's coming
too, he is. I needto start him the flat. What a
time to ain't behaven by show beforehe gets to the car, give him
(20:27):
a sleeping came the one with ahandle. Hey hey, now remember before
he comes to We've got to keephim here so we can't get to San
Francisco. Oh now, don't forgetBubbles and I are Nursie and Schumann.
You and Ray are doctors, andFranks you're the patient in the next day.
Okay, but let me give Georgethe next sleeping tabel. Oh yeah,
(20:48):
George, get a pang out ofit. Whoa oh, behavor show
Behaven. Oh oh and now justmy quietly, mister Burns, you are
suffering from a very horrible malady.That that melody. I'm mister Haven,
(21:10):
what happened? What am I doinghere? Well? Do you opright operated
on for Prisolazola. Did I haveit back to back, back to back,
Gracie Gracy? Yes, yes,just my quietly grace. You will
be here in a minute. No, right, you're Gracy now? No,
I'm no Crowley. You're delirious,mister Burns. Just take it easy.
(21:33):
Why am I tied down? Well, this room happens to be upside
down. We don't want you tofall out of bed. Well, listen
to me, Raynoble, I'm notthe Ray Noble. I'm doctor Frank Burter
skin especially. Oh, this isgoing from bride to worst. Frank,
what are you doing in the nextbread? What's the matter with you?
Do you mean me? Buddy?My name is Frank. I'm JV.
(21:56):
Didn't fest Junior. J V didn'tfirst Juniors? Yeah? I was named
after my son. Hi. Youhaven't got a son? Could I help
it? If he died before Iwas born? What is say Truman?
I'm not Truman. I'm doctor AlvinJohnson. I'll say if he's Truman,
Bradley, what's good for? Rough? Right hands? I don't know.
(22:18):
I'm in here a specialist? Youare? Huh? What do you get?
A tiler? Goos counts the salesgirl's phone number. That's come here?
You mean me? Yes, I'msorry, I can't talk. Why
not? I'm an octagen tan.I don't know. I hope this is
(22:41):
a dream. Mister Dranes. Whythe spoon swallowing and spoon by guys,
he's a medicine beople. I'd Iforgot to stare it. Hurry up,
I want a sleeping tablet Oh,Bland the old boy. This one's on
me. Oh, Jim's a gentlemanas cigar, thanks, fellow gulman.
(23:04):
We better get a bottle of beerfor George. Really is the first team?
No, he's a nick I wantto give him a cornfusion. Yes,
but Gracie, what if it killshim? Well, we still get
a nickel back in the bottle.George Jufsey look awful. Yeah she gets
well? Or do something. I'vegot a day to see a double features?
(23:26):
What is the devil's feet? I'mwilson. Look George waking up again.
Perhaps we ought to give him someof him and really put him to
sleep. Well, we're not allowedto give him any dope. I mean
we're not allowed to give him anydope. Ain't rush behaving album our shof
(23:48):
Oh what a terrible clump. Yea, he certainly is. Hey. Look
look, Oks, George is hardlymoving. Get up, I say,
George, come on, get up, well in room and trewman. Let's
tap his knee and Testa's reflexes.Okay, Frank, he kept his knee,
but nothing happened. Yeah, whatabout the jakes. He's still unconscious.
I said, this is getting serious. Frank, you better go out
(24:11):
and get a real doctor. PoorGeorge to think he won't be able to
get up and go to San Francisco. Look at that bump on his head.
It looks like Troyce Ryan, andhis nerve looks like Novehill. Look
at him with his mouth opened,it looks like a golden gate. I
can stay the bridge, doctor rocheous. Uh uh? How long has he
(24:36):
been dead? Doctor? That's verynoble. This is a patient. Let's
see. No pulse, no color, no blood pressure, no respiration,
no reflection. He ain't got nothinghad pretty void. It was a very
(24:59):
serious case. He's got to beremoved immediately. Oh good. There's only
one place where we can save him. That's the Grand View Sanitarium. And
I'd better take him their immediately,San Francisco. When you read a romantic
love story, doesn't it make youdream of such happiness for yourself, of
(25:22):
strong arms holding you close and warm, thrilling kisses. Of course it does,
and you can help make those dreamscome true. Keep yourself just as
attractive and appealing and feminine as youknow how. For one thing, make
good use of Heinds Honey and AlmondCream. This fine, fragrant lotion helps
keep your hands looking smooth, smellingfragrant, and feeling thrilling to a man's
(25:42):
touch. And don't forget. Nowis the time for all women to buy
Hines. Why because it's on specialsale. You get the big dollar size
for only forty nine cents, lessthan half price. Just walk up to
a toilet goods counter, put downforty nine cents and you get the dollar
size. Hindes Honey Almond Cream thebiggest hand lotion special of nineteen hundred forty.
(26:03):
It contains over twice as much lotionas the regular fifty cent bottle.
And this is the same fine Heine'sHoney and Almond cream you've always known,
extra creamy, extra softening. Askfor Haines forty nine cent special tonight.
It's an autograph special two with adetachable Gracie Allen autograph on the bottle.
Remember this offered is good for alimited time only. The price is less
(26:23):
than half only forty nine cents forthe big dollar size are pines, honey
and almond cream. Lord Gracie Wiresaying I can't love you. I can't
love you and you are anymore thanI forty four love you any more,
(26:47):
I would have to be too hellolywith my helloly with my mind the love
you love you, love you allthe reason I fine, the yes,
love you any any more than Ido? I do. I wish that
I had could bash your master peabilityin rhyme to convey in a clever way
(27:08):
how very much I am, ButI haven't. The playfall clever things in
their fall. What I have tosay must be said in a simple way.
I have loved you with anything moreand more than I do. For
(27:30):
this philocy, love glose he lovedyou anymore, I would have to be
too. I love you in thesunday, I love you in the rain,
I love you in the middle ofthe hurricane. So I says,
love you any any more than Ido here, so her toe kits with
(27:53):
the one, two three and thefall five six. Daughter yea fly fly
flies, fly fly flies. Loveyou with my heart up, love you
with my mind, so love thereis time, Love you ever any more
(28:15):
than I do egit any Now.You can enjoy both hands Lotion and bubbles
(28:37):
and Hinds hands Cream and jars.Those smart red and white jars contain the
fluffiest, creamiest hand cream Hinds couldmake. It comes in two sizes,
ten cents and thirty nine cents thejar, and don't forget the big Heinds
Lotion Special the dollar size for onlyforty nine cents. Wild Gracie Shay good
night, Oh go'dge jesting Next weekRay Frank Truman's bubbles and I will all
be up and down Cisco Gracie.Aren't you forgetting me now? Oh good
(29:00):
night, though explains to join usat the same time. This is Truman
Bradley wishing you a good night forhig Antony rmondream. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.