February 15, 2024 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello, show my friends, theHaines Honey an Almond cream program alling George
Burns and Hines Honey, Gracie Allenwith Frank Parker, Reynoble and his orchestra
and Truman Bradley speaking one hundred millionstrong. That's right to cancel. Thank
(00:29):
you, Thank you very much.George. Did you enjoy the broadcast we
were on Saturday night for the RedCross? I certainly did. It was
quite a love scene I did withEdward g. Robinson. You did a
love scene with ed Robinson. Wekissed for ten minutes. You did,
eh? Then the kurkin went upand the show starting, What's What's Robinson
got that I haven't got? Well, Eddie Robinson's put his lips against mine
(00:55):
and Royal Boy Wood burning kisses.Yeah, he forgot to take the cigar
out of his mouth. Probably smokeshis kisses very short. Oh he does.
That was sure a great talent onthat Red Caruss show. Donna Mitchie,
Charles Lawton, Paul Neoney, JimmyCagney, George Burne. Don't change
the subject, Gracy, Gracie,what happened to you Saturday night? After
(01:19):
the show? Where did you disappear? To oh secretly. I drove home
in a rumble seek with Eddie withEddie Robinson, and he put his arm
around me. He put his armaround twice, twice. He has very
long arms. I've seen Robinson inall of his pictures and he niver puts
(01:46):
his arms around the girl. Didyou see him in a little Squeezer?
No, I'm waiting for it tocome to my neighborhood driving Listen. When
we got home, we parked infront of the house. I'm just after
I kissed him good night, hewas held up by two men. He
was held up by two men whenI kissed him. They've gotta be held
(02:08):
up or call for doctor kill thereyou know John Helloray? Hello. I
heard your broadcast on Saturday night whilehaving dinner at Frank Parker's house. Did
you like it, Ray, Well, except the soup. I'm talking about
the radio show. Oh, youwere very good on the program, George,
(02:28):
especially when you're doing that grocery storeskitch. You sounded was full of
peppers. If you were drinking Scotchand theater Ray, that was Lomon Abner.
Well, whatever it was, Ikeep on drinking it because I've never
heard you funnier. You want tosee me when I've had a couple of
Tony Martinez, Frank, Did youhear the show Saturday night? Oh?
Sure I did? Hello, Hello? How did you like me? Oh?
(02:52):
You were great? Colossal, marvelous, it says here, How did
that get on the screw? Ireally was terrific. You know that audience
slapped every time I open my mouth. Now you want to get your teeth,
pie, I happen to have abeautiful set of teeth. You said
it the best money can buy.Well anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Tonight
(03:15):
is our last broadcast for Hindes Honeyand Almond Cream. Next Monday we go
on a different network for new sponsors. Yeah, it's all over, Judge.
That's too bad, just as Iwas getting to know that pretty usha
too. Everybody has been wonderful,the people we worked with, the radio
station, the sponsor. Past yearhas been one of the happiest in my
(03:36):
life. Now that the time hascome for me to leave this program,
I'm not ashamed to say that there'sa big ump in my soak. Why
did you swallow it? I can't. I mean, you're afraid it'll spoil
your dinner. Huh. The radiobusiness, what is it? You don't
see the people you're entertaining. Youwork day in and day out with those
jokes, jokes, thinking, thinking, struggling for new ideas. Then comes
(03:59):
the end of the and the programis over, and what have you got?
A fortune? The money? Money, money, after all, Frank,
what can you do with money?Are you kidding? Memories? Memories,
and now it's all over, Yes, it's all over, And well
(04:24):
I can't go on. I justcan't go on. I can't judge.
I just can't. Why not?There's a page memories, Memories, Truman.
I can remember the first time Imet you, sure enough. George
was in the brown Derby having lunch, and it just so happened. I
needed a fellow like you, Yes, to pay the check, I remember
(04:46):
correctly, Truman. I gave youa contract that day and you took the
check. Well, I had to. The contract was written on the back
of it. Poor Truman. Hedoesn't know yet whether he's working for George
the brown Derby. Well, hecouldn't work for a sweeter guy. You
really mean that? Oh? Sure? I think the guy who owns the
brown Derby is a swell fella.Memories Memories, Oh yes, the good
(05:06):
old Brown Derby where you find directors, picture stares, extra extra extra,
the bread, extra, the butter. Let's forget all these jokes and wise
cracks. You know how I feel. We've been together for some time and
it feels just like one little happyfamilies. And honest, I'm gonna miss
(05:30):
you all. Will you miss me? Memories? Memories? Comn mister Burns,
Yes, I'm going to miss yourprogram. You will. I missed
it for seven years, brother,and I'll keep right on missing her.
Oh memories, mouth quiet, He'smess. Somebody on this program who can
(05:54):
say something nice about me just tomake me feel good? Isn't there somebody
who can lie a little? Oh? Coming on? I said, George,
I just received a telegram A realfan of yours. Really. Yeah,
here's what it says. You canhave your Jack Bennis, your Fred
Adams, your Bob Hope. Justgive us George Burns, Hey, you
are sign the Forest Lawn Ray Ray. It might be a surprise to Forest
(06:23):
Lawn, but I'm not dead.P S. We can dream, can't
we? Memories? Memory, Ohquiet, I'll never forget the first day
on this program. There was FrankParker singing a song and winking at a
beautiful girl and back at him,and the nervousness of the first day.
There was Ray Nobles fan all gatheredaround him, and Ray was shaky.
(06:46):
I can remember his first number,Yes, it was Kennedy Dade at the
Hideway. And that Truman Bradley.I remember how cute he was in his
first audition. I can see himnow, was standing there with those dimple
cheeks, those short pants, nocommercial um and do you know what women
are saying to each other over cardtables and backfences. Get the Heines Honey
(07:11):
and Almond Cream dollar size for onlyforty nine cents. This is the famous
Hines half price special, the samebig family size of Hines that's always been
an economy even at its regular price, and now at forty nine cents,
this big bottle of Heines Honey AlmondCream is the hand lotion bargain of the
year. You save over fifty centson the bottle. You get over twice
the quantity of lotion, and whata lotion it is. Extra creamy,
(07:32):
extra softening to dry rough skin.Use Heines to help soften your hands,
soothe sunburned skin, comfort, tenderskin after shaving. And what's the price.
Twenty nine cents, gentlemen, andI have it, okay, gray
Sie, just enough to get thebig dollar bottle of Heines Honey Almond Cream.
Don't forget everybody. Only a fewdays left to get the hand lotion
special of the year, the bigdollar size of Heins Honey and Almond cream,
(07:55):
or only forty nine cents. Andnow Frank Parker, Frank sayings to
my Lictor Herberts, my dream girls. Frank, Oh, smiling lips of
you for all the answer, alllovely eyes of you for all liter Why
(08:20):
every single five of my be respondsto you as in my mind? Expec
Why do I be the though Ialways long you? What is this thrill
of mingle, joy and pain?Or have we met before all? And
(08:48):
shall we meet and long again Sunday? Why to read, Oh, my
one need dream, I'm away meetyou lie, Oh you know me and
(09:24):
love me long? You love youlong. I really was good for Frank.
(09:54):
And when you're at the Bonnac CountryClub in Chicago this summer, we're
certainly going to miss you. Istop worrying, George. There are several
singers are just as good as Iam. Ah not being modest, No,
no, I mean it. There'sLawrence Tibbett and Nelson Eddie and John
Charles Thomas. Is that good too? Yes, they're good. Of course
they'd expect more each week than thepast of the skating rink. Maybe they
(10:18):
don't skate, of course. I'lladmit Frank that for the salary I pay
you, I couldn't get bing crossedthis and brother for the salary of paying
me, you couldn't even get oneof his records. That stop arguing.
I think Frank is swelling. We'recertainly going and this then, Georgeudge,
I've got a new singers singer.He's very good, and you won't cost
(10:41):
you so much money either. Isuppose he'll work for a pickle. He
works for anybody as long as hegets paid. All right, Gracie,
where is the genius of yours?Right there? To me? Felix?
How are you doing? Missus Burns? Oh? So this is Felix?
H What kind of a voice haveyou got? Are there different kinds?
(11:03):
Well? This is gonna be good, Gracie. Has he had any experience
every Saturday? Ninety things in thebubble in the Hollywood Bowl, No,
the washbowl. He can't have abathtub. It looks like he came to
California by dream pipe. Gracie,will you let me do my own hiring
(11:31):
and firing too? Oh now please? George Felix has never ruined a radio
show in his life, and allhe asks for the chance? Well has
he? Was he ever on aradio show? He was sponsored on a
morning program. Yeah, but whatabout his voice? That's what the sponsor
was morning about. Well, goahead, Felix, let me hear you
(11:54):
saying, oh no, no,wait a minute, I'm a manager.
You know how much you're gonna payhim? You're discussing salary before I hear
him sing. But sure he getsmore money. That way turned out to
be a unit Fanshawn and Gracie.Or go ahead and sing, Felix,
You you go to my head?Can you linger? I like a refrain?
(12:18):
Where did you find him in GriffithPark? Yeah? Under a rock
I find you spinning my brain andbubbles of sham. Yes, sounds like
the voice of no experience is great? You go, that's fine? Are
(12:41):
you sip burgundy? Last week hehad his tompos removing I threw away the
wrong part. I find you mentionedand take a time kicker, or to
(13:05):
Felix, Felix, back up,back up a little bit, Felix,
a little father of Felix. Justjust one more step to this flat flat
(13:30):
Truman. I'm sorry that you're notgoing to be with us this summer,
but I'm really happy that you've gotthat picture here. Well, thank you,
George. And I really want totake this opportunity to tell you how
much I've enjoyed working for you forHayins honey almond cream or thanks Trump.
And sometimes I'd like to try workingfor you for money, George, I
can't tell Truman. Sometime havebe youwill, Seriously, George, I want
(13:54):
to issue and grace a lot ofluck on your new show for Spam,
and believe you me, this Mondaynight, I'll certainly be listening in and
we're starting on a mission. Yes, gentlemen, we won't know what to
do without you, George. WhatI've got a new announcer, uh you
are as manager? Is he good? A fellow who recommended him thinks he's
(14:15):
terrific? Who recommended him? FelixFelix? Has he done any announcing.
Has he done any announcing? Hashe done any announcing? Has he done
any announcing? Has he has?He? Has he? I don't know
mcmire, Roger Roger, this isGeorge Burns. Oh well hair Roger.
(14:39):
Maybe I'm wrong? Read this commercial, ladies, then do you know what
women are to each other? Table? Get the hind telling him on the
last whoa you have a cream dollarside for Alli fool one? An ancient
(15:07):
This is the famous head raiser lighterlight a minute. I've got a t
l for you. I can't useyour your offer. You're terrible and Gracia,
I'll talk to you later. Youknow you're like, no, I
don't let me tell you some myeye. I would hoot you in the
(15:28):
radio toe and you're used to youuse you use stingy you you you you
my you take that back? Howdo you like that? Took me fifteen
minutes to stay it? No,I'm gonna take your take advance, get
(15:52):
out? How do you like thatguy? Wasn't that awful? You don't
want to have it? Announce theGeorge. No, too tall, he's
too tall. No pray that wasyour farewell number on this program after too
(18:59):
sorry pleasant years oh, memories.None, that's right, Ray. Well,
how do you feel now that youand your boys are finished? Oh?
Wonderful. This is the first timeI've ever finished together. I'll sure
miss those poker games I had withyou boys. Oh they'll miss them.
Third, George, what don't myboys will do now for a living?
At least? Ray? You haven'tmade up any funny cracks about the salary
(19:21):
of pages. Oh what, oldboy? It's not even the kid about.
It's nothing to joke about, andthere's nothing to laugh about. It's
just nothing. I don't know whyyou're all picking on me for being cheap
racy was with me last night atSeal's restaurant when I picked up a check
for twenty five people? But that'sright? He did you call that being
tight? Well, you would neverhave done it if you were sober.
(19:45):
Why did I do that? Wasn'tsilly? Racy? Oh yes, Babbo,
What you think I nearly all hadto move to the dressing room in
the new studio? Good, ButI had a tough time getting Clockable's picture
in the trunk? Or what didyou do? I folded his ears?
What about my pick? I leftit on the wall? What for just
for laugh, I see, said, Bubbles. Did you pack the bowl
of gold fish in the trunk likeI told you? Yes, packed the
(20:08):
bowl of goldfish in the trunk.For sure the goldfish won't be able to
breathe. Oh, yes they will. I made a little hole in the
bottom of the bowl. I'll thattakes care of that. But what about
the water? Won't it leak out? No? Those goldfish know enough to
keep their mouth shut. I wishyou did, say crazy, Your trunk
(20:29):
is packed so full, there isany room for your toothpace, although they
make room. Just squeeze the pasteout of the tube. Give you more
room and throw the paste away.No, no, put it in the
pocket in my robe, so Idon't know where to find it. There's
hurry, Bubbles, and don't forgetto clean out the front of there.
I did, and it tasted thelittle Oh good, say George. Yes,
Frank, Well, it's getting closeto the end of the program,
(20:51):
and we've done a lot of kiddingand a lot of clowning. But I
want to take this moment to tellyou that if in the past two years
I've done anything to hurt your feelings, insult or ridicule, you. I
thank you. That's a fine thingto say, Oh, George, he's
only kidding. Frank even chipped infor the farewell present. Who got you?
(21:15):
Go ahead, Ray, now's thetime. Well, at a time
like this, it is customery togive one's boss a farewell gift. I
know all those things you said beforewere just a rib. Well, I
prepare the word of presentation if Imay read it, Jeorge, Sure,
go right ahead, Ray, I'dlove to hear it. Well, here's
to the boss who's been a bigbrother. In fact, he's been almost
like an old mother. No giftcan repay such friendship. True with a
hey on and nony, I'll letyou go. That's a beautiful Ray.
(21:41):
But where's the where's the gift?Oh is where is it? Grace?
Oh Well, I told Frank toget it. I told Truman together.
I told Rad again it. Itell Gracie again. That's a fine.
How do you do well, George. You don't care who buys your gift
to you, then you buy well. Ray. I want to wish you
an your boys a lot of luckthis summer at the Palmer House in Chicago.
(22:03):
Thanks George, and I know you'rea new program for spam. I'm
starting this month. They will bea great success. Thanks, and we're
certainly going to miss you, Ray, but nobody will miss you like Iril.
Really, we will never be ableto replace you. Ray. George,
Uh what I've got a new bandleader recommended by Felix. No,
(22:27):
Roger, you ought to be adoll. This Dell is sensational. He's
a society band leading. No listen, great, I don't please? Please
here he is Randolph. Come here, George, This is Randolph Clark.
How do you do? Mister Clark? This is a moment momentous to me
(22:48):
to have the pleasure of wielding thebad pompus this. Well, it's a
great group of artists. Where doyou find these guys? Used? You
hear me in up at the consightsin the part you see it? No,
judge, judge, he plays withone hand plays what? Oh?
(23:10):
He plays with one hand plays thepiano, holds his nose with the other.
Excuse me, but my music isnever forgotten because in the invited course
of my symphonies there is always prevalence. They undercurrent of print and comfort print.
Didn't I see him wrestle last Monday? Yeah? He was the fellow
(23:33):
underneath. I thought that, youknow, music ain't everything. Fan dance,
fan dance. Yesterday I was thatthey aren't music. I scrutinizing prodigiously
whistless mother, and he knows something, mister points you shouldn't you wait on
me? In the greasy best.Most people look at a picture like Whistles's
mother and they don't get the phonemalan. They think it's just a picture
(23:56):
of an old lady. Well,there's more thought than that, oh emphatic
now, for instance, They don'tcapture the mood or the thought of the
honors. With this mother is morethan a picture of an old lady looking
out of window. She's thinking,she's she's what she's thinking, Show you,
(24:26):
I choose to rise above you.Sha shunk too well any anyway,
with his mother is thinking like thisin her mind, where's my boy tonight?
What can he be doing? Ishe in company? Is he maybe
out with abroad? Or maybe ishe trying to get the one ball in
(24:51):
a side pucket? Where is myboy? Where is that ball? Get
out? Get out? Didn't youlike him? Like him? No?
Too tall? Yes he's too tall, Gracie. We don't need any more
(25:14):
talent. We're all set. We'vegot Arnie Shore in his band and the
Smoothies a grand singing grop. Wellthey're wonderful, but I'm sure going to
miss our bunch. So I well, goodbye Frank, Goodbye George and Gracie.
Good Bye, Goodbye George and Gracie. Goodbye Ray, Goodbye Jeorge and
Graci. Gracie, you do feelvery bad, don't you know? No,
(25:40):
then why are you crying? Killingme? Well, now that summer
is really here, you'll be gettingout in the open, playing tennis,
swimming, or at least stretching outand sunning yourself, and say, at
the first head of sunburn, besure to soothe your skin with high honey
and almond cream. Hein's lotion iscooling and comforting, and it's great for
(26:03):
smoothing skin that's rough and scaly fromexposure. This fine emotion is extra creamy,
extra soothing, not a bit stickyor greasy. So keep a bottle
on hand all summer long to soothesunburn and keep your hands feeling soft looking
pretty, no matter how much roughoutdoor work you do. And don't forget
Hein's Honey and Almond cream is onsale right now now, and for only
a few days more, you canget Heine's big dollar size for only forty
(26:26):
nine cents. Can you imagine thatless than half price, you got over
twice as much lotion for your money. It's bargain time for Heines. So
hurry stop in at the nearest toiletgoods counter and ask for Hines half price
special. Your big opportunity to getthis big dollar size of Heine's Honey Almond
cream for only forty nine cents.And now Graycie will singing Aldie again.
Take it. Young Johnny Jones,he had a kink little bowl and all
(26:53):
the curly he would take for aflow. He has guys on the show
Sweet Little Teachers by the score,but Johnny was the one Harma you know.
The steady girl was flown. Andevery Sunday afternoon she jumped in his
(27:15):
boat and they would go way upthe river. He would row, how'd
he given? Then he kissed hernoon. Then she would tell him when
he pulled around, and pull around, and then they kissed again, and
then he'd row row roll a littlefurther. He would row, oh,
(27:37):
oh oh. Then he dropped outhis boat, take up this bore on
balls and then he rolled roll.She loved him so so so she never
thought of saying no, no,no. He never asked because she seemed
to understand when he held her hand. And when you have an understanding,
(28:00):
why go back to land when youcan roll roll row, You'd be astonished?
How the time can go go go. You don't need a mustache or
a down of cash. All youneed is a boat and you'll come fire
a splash. You don't need anydash grass if you can roll, roll,
(28:25):
roll, and a good night talksand goodbye for the summer. Remember
you can have a happier summer withHeins Honey and Almond Cream. The lotion
that's so good and soothing for roughhands, sunburn, chafed skin and that
dry, puffy feeling that comes fromdoing dishes three times a day. Heines
is extra creamy, extra softening,and now on sale at an extra special
price, the big dollar size,only forty nine cents for a few days
(28:45):
longer. Thank you, Truman.I want to thank the hind, the
the Heines Honey and Almond Cream Companyand tell them what the grand association this
past year has been. And nowI want to say farewell. Oh that's
me. I'll never say fare wellto hind honey and almond cream. I've
used the DEVID since i was alittle girl, and I'll continue using it
until i'm a little girl again.Good Night, folks, good night.
(29:06):
Come and Brady saying good night everybody. Good Night, George and Gracy.
The song you Can't Crush Me Offis from the Louisiana Approaches. This is
the Columbia Broadcasting System.
Hello, show my friends, theHaines Honey an Almond cream program alling George
Burns and Hines Honey, Gracie Allenwith Frank Parker, Reynoble and his orchestra
and Truman Bradley speaking one hundred millionstrong. That's right to cancel. Thank
(00:29):
you, Thank you very much.George. Did you enjoy the broadcast we
were on Saturday night for the RedCross? I certainly did. It was
quite a love scene I did withEdward g. Robinson. You did a
love scene with ed Robinson. Wekissed for ten minutes. You did,
eh? Then the kurkin went upand the show starting, What's What's Robinson
got that I haven't got? Well, Eddie Robinson's put his lips against mine
(00:55):
and Royal Boy Wood burning kisses.Yeah, he forgot to take the cigar
out of his mouth. Probably smokeshis kisses very short. Oh he does.
That was sure a great talent onthat Red Caruss show. Donna Mitchie,
Charles Lawton, Paul Neoney, JimmyCagney, George Burne. Don't change
the subject, Gracy, Gracie,what happened to you Saturday night? After
(01:19):
the show? Where did you disappear? To oh secretly. I drove home
in a rumble seek with Eddie withEddie Robinson, and he put his arm
around me. He put his armaround twice, twice. He has very
long arms. I've seen Robinson inall of his pictures and he niver puts
(01:46):
his arms around the girl. Didyou see him in a little Squeezer?
No, I'm waiting for it tocome to my neighborhood driving Listen. When
we got home, we parked infront of the house. I'm just after
I kissed him good night, hewas held up by two men. He
was held up by two men whenI kissed him. They've gotta be held
(02:08):
up or call for doctor kill thereyou know John Helloray? Hello. I
heard your broadcast on Saturday night whilehaving dinner at Frank Parker's house. Did
you like it, Ray, Well, except the soup. I'm talking about
the radio show. Oh, youwere very good on the program, George,
(02:28):
especially when you're doing that grocery storeskitch. You sounded was full of
peppers. If you were drinking Scotchand theater Ray, that was Lomon Abner.
Well, whatever it was, Ikeep on drinking it because I've never
heard you funnier. You want tosee me when I've had a couple of
Tony Martinez, Frank, Did youhear the show Saturday night? Oh?
Sure I did? Hello, Hello? How did you like me? Oh?
(02:52):
You were great? Colossal, marvelous, it says here, How did
that get on the screw? Ireally was terrific. You know that audience
slapped every time I open my mouth. Now you want to get your teeth,
pie, I happen to have abeautiful set of teeth. You said
it the best money can buy.Well anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Tonight
(03:15):
is our last broadcast for Hindes Honeyand Almond Cream. Next Monday we go
on a different network for new sponsors. Yeah, it's all over, Judge.
That's too bad, just as Iwas getting to know that pretty usha
too. Everybody has been wonderful,the people we worked with, the radio
station, the sponsor. Past yearhas been one of the happiest in my
(03:36):
life. Now that the time hascome for me to leave this program,
I'm not ashamed to say that there'sa big ump in my soak. Why
did you swallow it? I can't. I mean, you're afraid it'll spoil
your dinner. Huh. The radiobusiness, what is it? You don't
see the people you're entertaining. Youwork day in and day out with those
jokes, jokes, thinking, thinking, struggling for new ideas. Then comes
(03:59):
the end of the and the programis over, and what have you got?
A fortune? The money? Money, money, after all, Frank,
what can you do with money?Are you kidding? Memories? Memories,
and now it's all over, Yes, it's all over, And well
(04:24):
I can't go on. I justcan't go on. I can't judge.
I just can't. Why not?There's a page memories, Memories, Truman.
I can remember the first time Imet you, sure enough. George
was in the brown Derby having lunch, and it just so happened. I
needed a fellow like you, Yes, to pay the check, I remember
(04:46):
correctly, Truman. I gave youa contract that day and you took the
check. Well, I had to. The contract was written on the back
of it. Poor Truman. Hedoesn't know yet whether he's working for George
the brown Derby. Well, hecouldn't work for a sweeter guy. You
really mean that? Oh? Sure? I think the guy who owns the
brown Derby is a swell fella.Memories Memories, Oh yes, the good
(05:06):
old Brown Derby where you find directors, picture stares, extra extra extra,
the bread, extra, the butter. Let's forget all these jokes and wise
cracks. You know how I feel. We've been together for some time and
it feels just like one little happyfamilies. And honest, I'm gonna miss
(05:30):
you all. Will you miss me? Memories? Memories? Comn mister Burns,
Yes, I'm going to miss yourprogram. You will. I missed
it for seven years, brother,and I'll keep right on missing her.
Oh memories, mouth quiet, He'smess. Somebody on this program who can
(05:54):
say something nice about me just tomake me feel good? Isn't there somebody
who can lie a little? Oh? Coming on? I said, George,
I just received a telegram A realfan of yours. Really. Yeah,
here's what it says. You canhave your Jack Bennis, your Fred
Adams, your Bob Hope. Justgive us George Burns, Hey, you
are sign the Forest Lawn Ray Ray. It might be a surprise to Forest
(06:23):
Lawn, but I'm not dead.P S. We can dream, can't
we? Memories? Memory, Ohquiet, I'll never forget the first day
on this program. There was FrankParker singing a song and winking at a
beautiful girl and back at him,and the nervousness of the first day.
There was Ray Nobles fan all gatheredaround him, and Ray was shaky.
(06:46):
I can remember his first number,Yes, it was Kennedy Dade at the
Hideway. And that Truman Bradley.I remember how cute he was in his
first audition. I can see himnow, was standing there with those dimple
cheeks, those short pants, nocommercial um and do you know what women
are saying to each other over cardtables and backfences. Get the Heines Honey
(07:11):
and Almond Cream dollar size for onlyforty nine cents. This is the famous
Hines half price special, the samebig family size of Hines that's always been
an economy even at its regular price, and now at forty nine cents,
this big bottle of Heines Honey AlmondCream is the hand lotion bargain of the
year. You save over fifty centson the bottle. You get over twice
the quantity of lotion, and whata lotion it is. Extra creamy,
(07:32):
extra softening to dry rough skin.Use Heines to help soften your hands,
soothe sunburned skin, comfort, tenderskin after shaving. And what's the price.
Twenty nine cents, gentlemen, andI have it, okay, gray
Sie, just enough to get thebig dollar bottle of Heines Honey Almond Cream.
Don't forget everybody. Only a fewdays left to get the hand lotion
special of the year, the bigdollar size of Heins Honey and Almond cream,
(07:55):
or only forty nine cents. Andnow Frank Parker, Frank sayings to
my Lictor Herberts, my dream girls. Frank, Oh, smiling lips of
you for all the answer, alllovely eyes of you for all liter Why
(08:20):
every single five of my be respondsto you as in my mind? Expec
Why do I be the though Ialways long you? What is this thrill
of mingle, joy and pain?Or have we met before all? And
(08:48):
shall we meet and long again Sunday? Why to read, Oh, my
one need dream, I'm away meetyou lie, Oh you know me and
(09:24):
love me long? You love youlong. I really was good for Frank.
(09:54):
And when you're at the Bonnac CountryClub in Chicago this summer, we're
certainly going to miss you. Istop worrying, George. There are several
singers are just as good as Iam. Ah not being modest, No,
no, I mean it. There'sLawrence Tibbett and Nelson Eddie and John
Charles Thomas. Is that good too? Yes, they're good. Of course
they'd expect more each week than thepast of the skating rink. Maybe they
(10:18):
don't skate, of course. I'lladmit Frank that for the salary I pay
you, I couldn't get bing crossedthis and brother for the salary of paying
me, you couldn't even get oneof his records. That stop arguing.
I think Frank is swelling. We'recertainly going and this then, Georgeudge,
I've got a new singers singer.He's very good, and you won't cost
(10:41):
you so much money either. Isuppose he'll work for a pickle. He
works for anybody as long as hegets paid. All right, Gracie,
where is the genius of yours?Right there? To me? Felix?
How are you doing? Missus Burns? Oh? So this is Felix?
H What kind of a voice haveyou got? Are there different kinds?
(11:03):
Well? This is gonna be good, Gracie. Has he had any experience
every Saturday? Ninety things in thebubble in the Hollywood Bowl, No,
the washbowl. He can't have abathtub. It looks like he came to
California by dream pipe. Gracie,will you let me do my own hiring
(11:31):
and firing too? Oh now please? George Felix has never ruined a radio
show in his life, and allhe asks for the chance? Well has
he? Was he ever on aradio show? He was sponsored on a
morning program. Yeah, but whatabout his voice? That's what the sponsor
was morning about. Well, goahead, Felix, let me hear you
(11:54):
saying, oh no, no,wait a minute, I'm a manager.
You know how much you're gonna payhim? You're discussing salary before I hear
him sing. But sure he getsmore money. That way turned out to
be a unit Fanshawn and Gracie.Or go ahead and sing, Felix,
You you go to my head?Can you linger? I like a refrain?
(12:18):
Where did you find him in GriffithPark? Yeah? Under a rock
I find you spinning my brain andbubbles of sham. Yes, sounds like
the voice of no experience is great? You go, that's fine? Are
(12:41):
you sip burgundy? Last week hehad his tompos removing I threw away the
wrong part. I find you mentionedand take a time kicker, or to
(13:05):
Felix, Felix, back up,back up a little bit, Felix,
a little father of Felix. Justjust one more step to this flat flat
(13:30):
Truman. I'm sorry that you're notgoing to be with us this summer,
but I'm really happy that you've gotthat picture here. Well, thank you,
George. And I really want totake this opportunity to tell you how
much I've enjoyed working for you forHayins honey almond cream or thanks Trump.
And sometimes I'd like to try workingfor you for money, George, I
can't tell Truman. Sometime havebe youwill, Seriously, George, I want
(13:54):
to issue and grace a lot ofluck on your new show for Spam,
and believe you me, this Mondaynight, I'll certainly be listening in and
we're starting on a mission. Yes, gentlemen, we won't know what to
do without you, George. WhatI've got a new announcer, uh you
are as manager? Is he good? A fellow who recommended him thinks he's
(14:15):
terrific? Who recommended him? FelixFelix? Has he done any announcing.
Has he done any announcing? Hashe done any announcing? Has he done
any announcing? Has he has?He? Has he? I don't know
mcmire, Roger Roger, this isGeorge Burns. Oh well hair Roger.
(14:39):
Maybe I'm wrong? Read this commercial, ladies, then do you know what
women are to each other? Table? Get the hind telling him on the
last whoa you have a cream dollarside for Alli fool one? An ancient
(15:07):
This is the famous head raiser lighterlight a minute. I've got a t
l for you. I can't useyour your offer. You're terrible and Gracia,
I'll talk to you later. Youknow you're like, no, I
don't let me tell you some myeye. I would hoot you in the
(15:28):
radio toe and you're used to youuse you use stingy you you you you
my you take that back? Howdo you like that? Took me fifteen
minutes to stay it? No,I'm gonna take your take advance, get
(15:52):
out? How do you like thatguy? Wasn't that awful? You don't
want to have it? Announce theGeorge. No, too tall, he's
too tall. No pray that wasyour farewell number on this program after too
(18:59):
sorry pleasant years oh, memories.None, that's right, Ray. Well,
how do you feel now that youand your boys are finished? Oh?
Wonderful. This is the first timeI've ever finished together. I'll sure
miss those poker games I had withyou boys. Oh they'll miss them.
Third, George, what don't myboys will do now for a living?
At least? Ray? You haven'tmade up any funny cracks about the salary
(19:21):
of pages. Oh what, oldboy? It's not even the kid about.
It's nothing to joke about, andthere's nothing to laugh about. It's
just nothing. I don't know whyyou're all picking on me for being cheap
racy was with me last night atSeal's restaurant when I picked up a check
for twenty five people? But that'sright? He did you call that being
tight? Well, you would neverhave done it if you were sober.
(19:45):
Why did I do that? Wasn'tsilly? Racy? Oh yes, Babbo,
What you think I nearly all hadto move to the dressing room in
the new studio? Good, ButI had a tough time getting Clockable's picture
in the trunk? Or what didyou do? I folded his ears?
What about my pick? I leftit on the wall? What for just
for laugh, I see, said, Bubbles. Did you pack the bowl
of gold fish in the trunk likeI told you? Yes, packed the
(20:08):
bowl of goldfish in the trunk.For sure the goldfish won't be able to
breathe. Oh, yes they will. I made a little hole in the
bottom of the bowl. I'll thattakes care of that. But what about
the water? Won't it leak out? No? Those goldfish know enough to
keep their mouth shut. I wishyou did, say crazy, Your trunk
(20:29):
is packed so full, there isany room for your toothpace, although they
make room. Just squeeze the pasteout of the tube. Give you more
room and throw the paste away.No, no, put it in the
pocket in my robe, so Idon't know where to find it. There's
hurry, Bubbles, and don't forgetto clean out the front of there.
I did, and it tasted thelittle Oh good, say George. Yes,
Frank, Well, it's getting closeto the end of the program,
(20:51):
and we've done a lot of kiddingand a lot of clowning. But I
want to take this moment to tellyou that if in the past two years
I've done anything to hurt your feelings, insult or ridicule, you. I
thank you. That's a fine thingto say, Oh, George, he's
only kidding. Frank even chipped infor the farewell present. Who got you?
(21:15):
Go ahead, Ray, now's thetime. Well, at a time
like this, it is customery togive one's boss a farewell gift. I
know all those things you said beforewere just a rib. Well, I
prepare the word of presentation if Imay read it, Jeorge, Sure,
go right ahead, Ray, I'dlove to hear it. Well, here's
to the boss who's been a bigbrother. In fact, he's been almost
like an old mother. No giftcan repay such friendship. True with a
hey on and nony, I'll letyou go. That's a beautiful Ray.
(21:41):
But where's the where's the gift?Oh is where is it? Grace?
Oh Well, I told Frank toget it. I told Truman together.
I told Rad again it. Itell Gracie again. That's a fine.
How do you do well, George. You don't care who buys your gift
to you, then you buy well. Ray. I want to wish you
an your boys a lot of luckthis summer at the Palmer House in Chicago.
(22:03):
Thanks George, and I know you'rea new program for spam. I'm
starting this month. They will bea great success. Thanks, and we're
certainly going to miss you, Ray, but nobody will miss you like Iril.
Really, we will never be ableto replace you. Ray. George,
Uh what I've got a new bandleader recommended by Felix. No,
(22:27):
Roger, you ought to be adoll. This Dell is sensational. He's
a society band leading. No listen, great, I don't please? Please
here he is Randolph. Come here, George, This is Randolph Clark.
How do you do? Mister Clark? This is a moment momentous to me
(22:48):
to have the pleasure of wielding thebad pompus this. Well, it's a
great group of artists. Where doyou find these guys? Used? You
hear me in up at the consightsin the part you see it? No,
judge, judge, he plays withone hand plays what? Oh?
(23:10):
He plays with one hand plays thepiano, holds his nose with the other.
Excuse me, but my music isnever forgotten because in the invited course
of my symphonies there is always prevalence. They undercurrent of print and comfort print.
Didn't I see him wrestle last Monday? Yeah? He was the fellow
(23:33):
underneath. I thought that, youknow, music ain't everything. Fan dance,
fan dance. Yesterday I was thatthey aren't music. I scrutinizing prodigiously
whistless mother, and he knows something, mister points you shouldn't you wait on
me? In the greasy best.Most people look at a picture like Whistles's
mother and they don't get the phonemalan. They think it's just a picture
(23:56):
of an old lady. Well,there's more thought than that, oh emphatic
now, for instance, They don'tcapture the mood or the thought of the
honors. With this mother is morethan a picture of an old lady looking
out of window. She's thinking,she's she's what she's thinking, Show you,
(24:26):
I choose to rise above you.Sha shunk too well any anyway,
with his mother is thinking like thisin her mind, where's my boy tonight?
What can he be doing? Ishe in company? Is he maybe
out with abroad? Or maybe ishe trying to get the one ball in
(24:51):
a side pucket? Where is myboy? Where is that ball? Get
out? Get out? Didn't youlike him? Like him? No?
Too tall? Yes he's too tall, Gracie. We don't need any more
(25:14):
talent. We're all set. We'vegot Arnie Shore in his band and the
Smoothies a grand singing grop. Wellthey're wonderful, but I'm sure going to
miss our bunch. So I well, goodbye Frank, Goodbye George and Gracie.
Good Bye, Goodbye George and Gracie. Goodbye Ray, Goodbye Jeorge and
Graci. Gracie, you do feelvery bad, don't you know? No,
(25:40):
then why are you crying? Killingme? Well, now that summer
is really here, you'll be gettingout in the open, playing tennis,
swimming, or at least stretching outand sunning yourself, and say, at
the first head of sunburn, besure to soothe your skin with high honey
and almond cream. Hein's lotion iscooling and comforting, and it's great for
(26:03):
smoothing skin that's rough and scaly fromexposure. This fine emotion is extra creamy,
extra soothing, not a bit stickyor greasy. So keep a bottle
on hand all summer long to soothesunburn and keep your hands feeling soft looking
pretty, no matter how much roughoutdoor work you do. And don't forget
Hein's Honey and Almond cream is onsale right now now, and for only
a few days more, you canget Heine's big dollar size for only forty
(26:26):
nine cents. Can you imagine thatless than half price, you got over
twice as much lotion for your money. It's bargain time for Heines. So
hurry stop in at the nearest toiletgoods counter and ask for Hines half price
special. Your big opportunity to getthis big dollar size of Heine's Honey Almond
cream for only forty nine cents.And now Graycie will singing Aldie again.
Take it. Young Johnny Jones,he had a kink little bowl and all
(26:53):
the curly he would take for aflow. He has guys on the show
Sweet Little Teachers by the score,but Johnny was the one Harma you know.
The steady girl was flown. Andevery Sunday afternoon she jumped in his
(27:15):
boat and they would go way upthe river. He would row, how'd
he given? Then he kissed hernoon. Then she would tell him when
he pulled around, and pull around, and then they kissed again, and
then he'd row row roll a littlefurther. He would row, oh,
(27:37):
oh oh. Then he dropped outhis boat, take up this bore on
balls and then he rolled roll.She loved him so so so she never
thought of saying no, no,no. He never asked because she seemed
to understand when he held her hand. And when you have an understanding,
(28:00):
why go back to land when youcan roll roll row, You'd be astonished?
How the time can go go go. You don't need a mustache or
a down of cash. All youneed is a boat and you'll come fire
a splash. You don't need anydash grass if you can roll, roll,
(28:25):
roll, and a good night talksand goodbye for the summer. Remember
you can have a happier summer withHeins Honey and Almond Cream. The lotion
that's so good and soothing for roughhands, sunburn, chafed skin and that
dry, puffy feeling that comes fromdoing dishes three times a day. Heines
is extra creamy, extra softening,and now on sale at an extra special
price, the big dollar size,only forty nine cents for a few days
(28:45):
longer. Thank you, Truman.I want to thank the hind, the
the Heines Honey and Almond Cream Companyand tell them what the grand association this
past year has been. And nowI want to say farewell. Oh that's
me. I'll never say fare wellto hind honey and almond cream. I've
used the DEVID since i was alittle girl, and I'll continue using it
until i'm a little girl again.Good Night, folks, good night.
(29:06):
Come and Brady saying good night everybody. Good Night, George and Gracy.
The song you Can't Crush Me Offis from the Louisiana Approaches. This is
the Columbia Broadcasting System.
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