February 20, 2024 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
From Hollywood, The George Burns andGracie Allen Show for horm Allen Spam,
grazy p Spam, rebub Boom Spam, George Burns Gracie Allen Ardie Show when
(00:26):
his orchestra for singing Glee. We'rethe smooth Eastree Last, but not Leaston
with Bud Easton. Yes, Sirrevaults it burns an alanite at her house.
(01:06):
Another gay show and a swell suggestionfor an easy summer supper that will
give your family our guests plenty toeat. Get a can of spam.
Spam. Spam is tender, juicy, delicious meat, all ready to eat
the minuture zip open the can,Slice this grand tasting meat and serve with
a mound of potato salad nestled incrisp chilled lettuce, tomato stuffed with cottage
(01:27):
cheese, or with a cool vegetablesalad. It's hardy enough to please the
huskiest he man appetite, and spamsaves kitchen time, no fuss, no
bother. Ask your food dealer forspam tomorrow. Then surprise your family with
taste tempting spam and salad, andtry the other easy recipes on the label,
you'll find you can fry spam,dice it, slice it, bake
(01:51):
it, because cold or hot spamhits the spot. And here are those
two delightful people, the stars ofour show, George and Gracie. Thank
(02:17):
you, thank you very much.Well, Gracie, what did you do
yesterday? I went to Catalina?Oh did you? Did you go alone?
Naturally? Well that's fine, butcan I have my compacts in your
pocket? I'll show you were therealone? Were here? Gracie? Which
one is yours? Oh? Finallygot ourselves a romantic kid on the show.
(02:38):
He's a regular cavan Nova. Youmean casanova, George? When I
kiss him? Their Cavanova? Oh, yes, cavan Ova get it?
Yeah? This is my smart weekness. Well, say George, George,
would you come here a moment?Please say, George, I'd like to
(02:59):
work with Gracie. So easy,it doesn't Would you like to try it?
Would I? Oh? Boy?Well, how do I start?
Well? All you've got to dois walk up to Gracie and say how
is your brother? Then she talksfor about five years. All I say
is how is your brother? Yes? But but I've got a little t
TL for you. Yeah, incase you get in trouble and there is
a slight possibility. Yeah, justsinging Nola, Nola, Yeah, you
(03:22):
know dead, do do do dodo do so? Then I start by
saying, Gracie, how's your brother? Go right ahead, Okay, I'll
be standing right here, Gracie,Gracie, how's your brother? All the
most terrible things happened last night.We were awakened in the middle of the
night and there was my brother sittingup and dead, and his eyes were
sticking out of his head. Hiseyes were sticking out of his head.
(03:43):
Yeah, what did you do?What do we do? We sent for
a doctor, of course. Whatdid the doctor do? Well? He
took Ann Sheridan's picture off the wall. We all went back to sleep again.
You do do do do do dodo do do do do do do
Gracie. Where is your brother now? Oh, he's in the east.
He went to see that prize fighter, you know, the one who fights
(04:05):
withoutney clothes down. There's a prizefighter who fights without nick closing. Oh,
that's what my brother said in thisletter. Just Galent will fight there.
Well, Gracie, Gracie, whatdoes your brother do for a living?
Oh? He's very wealthy. Ohyeah, he had two cars,
(04:27):
lots of clothes, and he goesto Palm Springs for the winter and Lake
our Ahead for the summer. Wellwhat does he do for a living?
Oh he's a son in law,Gracie. What did your brother do before
that? Oh he was married beforeI know. He's the one who was
a knife thrower in vaudeville and hiswife was his assistant. Oh he used
(04:51):
to throw knives at his wife.Uh huh. Well, one day before
he went on the stage, hehad a little too much to drink.
Well what happened you? Oh,well he got married again. Do do
do well, Gracie, your brotherhe sounds like quite a character. Oh
he is. You know. Whenhe was a little boy, he played
(05:13):
a trick on my father. Heswitched the hot and cold faucet in the
bathtub. Was your father angry?No, but he will be when he
finds out BEAUTI doo doo, Gracie. Is that the brother with the scar
on his neck? Oh? Yes, the pendicitis pendicitis is way down on
the side of the stomach right nowthat he was right up here. But
(05:38):
are you happy? No? Ithought so? Well, Well, well,
here are the smoothies. Hello,Spam, Well it's very pretty beautiful.
Yes, it's really something as smoothas can't you say anything without swinging
like that? Surely George and hewanted to do it. Nothing to it,
spam Jam, Hi diddle did.Now we're jivings old take it?
(06:01):
Oh, stop stop with that takingyou see. I used to be a
dancer, and every time I hadtake it call, I go right into
my dance. Oh sure you knowJodge used to dance for a living.
Did he make much money? Consentto dance? I used to wear a
bathing suit. I was Jansen withtears in my eyes. Oh well,
(06:28):
never mind, never mind. Nowthe smoothies are gonna sing the woodpecker saw
just a minute, smoothies come in. This is what I do for a
living. Hello everybody, Oh asound man. Stop slamming the doors.
You're going to break down the wholebuilding. I know you're a very intellectual
fellow, because you told me lastweek you went four years to Harvard.
And if you think that being asound man is beneath your dignity, why
(06:50):
don't you go back to your family. Mister Burns, I have two brothers.
When my older brother graduated from Harvard, the dean told him, I'm
a great scientist. He later wonthe Nobel Prize. When my other brother
graduated from Harvard, the dean toldhim he'd be a great playwright. He
later won the Pulitzer Prize. Sowhen I graduated from Harvard, the dean
(07:12):
said that I showed more promise thanboth my brothers put together. That was
ten years ago. This is whatI do for a living. Say sound
man, I really feel sorry foryou, but don't give up. After
all, someday it may be likeme, George. Don't discourage him.
(07:33):
I don't think I've got me talented. Bubba's what do you want? Well,
Gracie, you know today is yourgrandfather's birthday. He's ninety two years
old. Yeah, I know.I got him a gift, daughter.
What is the gift? Two lessonsfrom Madame Lauzanga. It's six lessons from
Madam Lazanga. Oh, you neverlast that long, I know your grandfather.
(07:54):
Neither will Madame Lazanga. Well,anyway, Gracie, tonight we're giving
him that surprise party. And inorder to get him out of the house,
I had a promised to take himdown to Earl Carroll's vanity. Well,
did you take him there? No? I took him up to Mount
Wilson Observatory and he spent two hourslooking through their giant telescope. What about
Earl Carroll's vanities? What do youthink he was looking at? Where's the
(08:16):
kid? Now? He's downstairs inthe car. Al we'll send him up
and we'll keep him here into theparty tonight, right, goodbye four years
and oh quiet quiet now listen everybodyafter the show. You're all invited to
my grandpas surprise party. Oh,we're going to have more fun. And
there's going to be a big cakewith six candles on it. As six
candle huh, your grandfather is ninetytwo years old. Yeah, but the
(08:39):
cake is only sick. Oh,I say it's the cat's right to you
waiting. He's uply, torn andbide and early. Do you wig up
all the name? Do you bringyou heavy? Boy? Ang girly?
(09:03):
He is heavy, serving need offood. Give him taking out an all
the tick tack, taking out thesame old tree. He's as heavy as
a love of me all Alonge's servingarer. Lady, just find a tree
that's shady. When you hear thattig t t tick tick tick tick tick
(09:26):
tick sing ride along, come mornand try his real and like your hearts
feed will just listen to us thattig tick tick tick happy little but back
a song. Listen back back alltogether, let your heartbeating rhythm keep wood
(09:54):
pecker song. He's a bee,he's won early wig of all the ver
dring went the ball girl. He'shappy seven nay on wood digging out of
melody, hacking that same old treeheavy has a bumblebee on along to severnade.
(10:18):
Your lady just found a tree.That's shame. And when you hear
that dick dicks along, come onand try his rhythm and let your heart
be it will. And when youhear that dicktick happy little woodpecker song,
(10:48):
just you pack just in ti.He's a beast stone with a song?
What backer? What backer? Songslike a happened and it's like it's like
a stepper what packer? What?And what so well kets that was really
(11:11):
a grand number. You liked it. We're glad you did. But now's
your chance. Son't take your tidyou sir, Oh no, wait a
minute, stop with that taked kids, you know I can't beat my prince
though, but it does bring backmemories of mortal. I can see my
building right now in front of thetheater. George Burns and Gurley fantastic steppers.
(11:35):
What a vehicle, Remember, Gracy, how I used to jump four
feet in the air and click myheels. Oh yeah, And Lardy said
that was the only thing in theact that clicked. Wait a minute,
Burns and Gurley was the name ofthe dancing act. Who was Gurley?
Yo? All right, all right, all right, Gracy. So we're
(11:56):
all invited to your grandfather's ninety secondBrithday fought. Oh George, please don't
ever let my grandpaie. Hey,you say he's ninety two. Why not?
Well he goes around telling everybody he'sonly ninety Gracie. Remember my birthday
party last year? Oh? Sure? Remember the birthday cake? Yeah,
Telly candles on it. There werea few more than that, not in
(12:16):
the piece I had. George.I don't know about your age, but
you certainly know how to wear clothes. And blue suit with that red tie
certainly is a swell combination. Thanks, Bud. It's like spam with chili
saw. Thanks. I've listened toyou on the radio month in and month
(12:37):
out, and you're really great allyou're around. Oh thanks, But like
spam, it keeps so well thateven the refrigeration. Thanks bod at the
dinner table, there is nothing morebeautiful. What coloring? How enticing and
so pretty? Oh thanks, Idon't mean you, Oh I know you
mean spam. Oh I mean heddylamar well, of course that's just swell
(13:00):
dish too. I'm crazy about spall. What is it? Give Judge back
his compact? Quiet? Quiet?Which one is yours? Juliet? Hello,
just a minute, gracious for you? Hello, this is Gracie.
Allen stands me to speaking. Ohhello, Bessy. How the preparations for
(13:24):
Grandpa's surprise party coming along? Whatyou burn the rice pudding? Oh,
there's nothing to be worried about.You put onontein on us what. Oh,
don't worry. When Grandpa arrives,we'll keep him here. Now.
I can't hear you, Bessy talkingto the mouthpiece. But you took the
(13:46):
mouthpiece off the phonem Oh you're usingit as a cookie cutter for cupcake.
Oh well, why can't you hearme? We'll hold the receiver closer to
your ear. Oh you're ashing potatoeswith it? What are you using for
a centipizza on the table? Swisscheese? Swiss cheese to make a beautiful
(14:11):
centerpiece? Oh? Sure, sheputs the flowers in the little hole.
That nice arrangement. Do you onlyhave a dozen darlings? Oh that'll never
be enough. I can eat thatmetty myself. That's delicious with paper napkins,
Jesse, Bessy, what about theboiled duck? How's it coming along?
Well, you can't keep any waterin the pot. Why not?
(14:35):
All the duck keeps drinking it?You mean you mean the duck is living
if you Well, let's break thisup. This is what are you going
(14:56):
to play tonight? So, Jorge, we've got a new and little different
arrangement of April. She answering myObama, I know who's staying. I'm
okay, okay, send your lead. Okay, George, I guess we'll
have to play Alice blue Gown.I say, just because you're South American
guitar player senior Lee who can't evenspeak a word of English, doesn't happen
to like April Showers. You're notgoing to play it, That's right,
(15:18):
fall out of April Showers is abeautiful number. One. April showers will
come your way. They bring fourhours. George, Your George is that
April showers? Certainly? No,I don't like it either. You don't
(15:43):
like it? That's right, boy, comma's ready to be lousy. That's
right. Okay, play Alice bluegown. Okay, wait for your cue.
What are he's starting so soon for? If I got a date?
He's got a date? Sure,it's please. This is my problem,
(16:04):
all right, boys? Ready?One, two, he four? Look,
Senior Lee, we're doing a broadcast. That's Monday. We'reround the air,
and we must be finished before Friday. I do nothing. If it's
gone ego for to me, Itake it easy. I can't understand what
you're saying. Foreigner far enough.Look Adi, I've got a teo for
(16:30):
you. If you don't get ridof that guy, I'm gonna get rid
of you. Now you're cooking withgas. Seniorly, I've had about enough
out of you. I'm the bossof this program, and I expect to
be on the show for many years. The guys, I thought it was
calling the guys and ecchetes. Miles, you're freaking sins. What what did
he say? Don't send out yourlaundry? All right? Ai Alice Doll
(18:23):
gave me for the room, SayGrady, can I borrow you for a
(19:52):
moment? Will you pay me backfirst? I want to tell you what
every woman should know. Now,you and I have a d Gracie.
Where are we going? Follow me? Now here? We are standing in
your nearest foodstore. Now do yousee those cans of spam on the shelf.
Yes, well, take one andlook at the sentence on the label.
(20:15):
Park shoulder meat with hand meat atit. Now, there is the
secret of Spam's goodness and quality.Spam is not only a pure pork product,
but is a perfect blend of thechoicest cuts pork shoulder, the juiciest,
sweetest meat, combined with ham meatwell known for tenderness and flavor.
Hormel is proud to tell you righton the label of the spam can exactly
(20:36):
what spam is made of. Andwhen you take home a can of spam,
you give your family delicious tender meat. Everyone will say is swell.
Try one new way to serve spamthis week. Use the easy recipes you'll
find on the label you will discoveryou can fry spam for breakfast, serve
it cold for lunch just as itcomes from the can, or baked spam
hole for dinner. I get asupply tomorrow. Ask your food dealer for
(20:59):
spa m Spain. Well, I'lldo it, licens rye. Hold on,
HiT's this but nicely done? Man. I really loved Dallas Blogan.
But the thing I enjoy most iswhen you pick up that clarinet, you're
(21:19):
really swinging, You're you're just drivingat and yeah, that's sure. When
he swings it, he's right inthe grave. In the grave, Senior
Lee, You mean in the groove, yeah, senor in the In the
grave means I'm dead, very finished. That's right. Million gatap layers in
(21:41):
the Union. And I had towind up with this one, George,
what is it me? Oh?Sacred? I found out plenty about that
Senior lead. I had dinner witha certain party last night. I always
spoke about with Senior Lea. Whodid you have dinner with Senior Lea?
You had dinner with senior Leeton.That's right. Stop with that that side.
(22:06):
I don't want to hear anymore thatside. I've had enough of that
side. That's right, Oh,quiet, quiet, and George, what
is it? I heard that everyday Attie Shaw goes down to the drugstore
and drinks a molded milk through hisclarinet, a molted milk through was claren?
How did that leak out through thehole? Well, that's the last
(22:33):
straw four years and quiet look washere? Well, don't tell me it's
my grandfa. Well, I ain'ta bag of flower, but I've been
through the mill. Yeah, hickme up, Grace, Well, he
practically find it. How do yourevive him? Phantom? With what?
(22:55):
Dorothy Lamore? You take me half, grace? Dorothy Lamore? Yeah,
I was out with Dorothy Lamore andshe kissed me. She kissed you.
Oh yes, Judge, and theywere very happy before them four yes,
Dorothy, Grandpa and the two menwho held them up. Hair, stitch
(23:18):
and stones may break my balls,but she's just a one that can do
it. Hold your half, boys, every Colls again, pick me up,
Grace, Come on, Grandpa,get up on your feet and stay
there. Mister Burns, Now,what's the sound man? What do you
want? An old man ninety twoyears old does nothing all day long but
(23:40):
run around with Dorothy Lamour. Sowhat this is what I do for a
living sound man. This may surpriseyou, but you're not the only one
on this program with the brain.Oh thanks, Judge, you're welcome.
Well, Grandpa, I want youto meet the cast. Now, is
Bud Easton our announcer? Well,hello, Grandpa, Hello, buddy boy.
(24:04):
I'm an announcer to an announcer.Yeah, announce it to a maiden's
pair. Ain't that a gracie?What does this grandpa of yours want?
Well, he'd like to be sixtyfive and then twenty one, and then
sixty five and then twenty one,then sixty twenty one. Well, he
wants to be old enough to getsocial Security and young enough to enjoy it.
(24:33):
That's uh, that's nice work ifyou can get it. Oh,
Grandpa, these are the smoothies.These are the smoothies. Well, blow
me down, Helloa tined if theydidn't pick me up, grace, gracie.
(24:55):
Yeah, what is it? Iwant to ask your something? What
happens at home with this young Georgia? Allah? Oh, my grandma has
a terrific time between him and thefurnace, Between your grandpa and the furnace.
Yeah, every time she watches one, the other goes out. I've
had enough, Oh Addie, Iwant you to meet my grandpa. Grandpa?
(25:15):
Yeah, Grandpa? Where are youhere? Kid? So long?
Well there comes that love comes toAndy hardening of the ras waiting for four
days, Grandpa, This is AddieShaw, Hello Grandpa. Hi, Corney,
(25:38):
I'm corny. That's right, Senor. If you don't stop butting and
I'll have to punch you on thenose. Anybody shows her face around here
and say that I killed him,well, why don't you kill me?
You called that a face? Getout? Get out? This is what
I do for a living, hey, sound man. You see, most
(25:59):
of us do things that we don'twant to do for a living. Take
me, for instance. When Istarted out, I worked very hard,
and after many years, I finallyclicked. I don't know what it is.
Maybe it was an accident. MisterBurns. The reason for your success
is that you have something that nobodyelse has got. Really, where did
you get, miss Allen? Igot a cli Grandpa. Get away from
(26:29):
those drums. See surprise party andno surprise party? Do we have to
keep him here? Oh strudge,you spoil the whole thing. There's no
any way that we can quiet thisold guy. But do what we do
at home? Why are you doat home? Well, we just give
him pictures of grandmostars and dating beauties, and he sits in a rocking chair
and sings. Well what is hesaying? Wish we'll make it so certly
(26:53):
picked out a nice number. Hey, Grandpa, give me back my clarinet.
Ah, here the boy. Waita minute, Grandpa, take your
teeth chracy when you talk to him. Oh yeah, Grandpa, you're gonna
need them for the surprise party I'mgiving you tonight. You gave away the
whole things. Say, Grace,I can't make it tonight. Kind of
(27:17):
got a date with greeta garbyl greetagobble. Ninety two year old guy like
yous got a date with greeta gobble. Hello, that's right, that's all.
(27:47):
While we're waiting for George and Gracieto return, let me suggest an
easy way to give your family agrand summer supper. Serve spam and salad.
Get a can of spam when youshop tomorrow. Open and slice this
tender, delicious meat. A perfectcompanion for your favorite salad. You'll say
It's great too because spam is economicalto you, so easy to fix.
(28:07):
Surprise your family with spam and saladtomorrow. Thank you, Bud. Oh
Gracie, say good night, Ohgood night, Oh George, George.
Look at the lovely roses Ray Noble, just Anthony Ray Noble. Huh where
are the flowers right here in thepackage of seeds? Good night All.
(28:40):
Listen again next Monday night, savetime at stations for another George Burns Gracie
Allen production with Arnie Shaw and hisorchestra Headles Smoothies, brought to you by
horm allan spam. Until then,this is Bud Easton reminding you to remember
that hold or hot spam hit fromthe spot. Good Night Name
From Hollywood, The George Burns andGracie Allen Show for horm Allen Spam,
grazy p Spam, rebub Boom Spam, George Burns Gracie Allen Ardie Show when
(00:26):
his orchestra for singing Glee. We'rethe smooth Eastree Last, but not Leaston
with Bud Easton. Yes, Sirrevaults it burns an alanite at her house.
(01:06):
Another gay show and a swell suggestionfor an easy summer supper that will
give your family our guests plenty toeat. Get a can of spam.
Spam. Spam is tender, juicy, delicious meat, all ready to eat
the minuture zip open the can,Slice this grand tasting meat and serve with
a mound of potato salad nestled incrisp chilled lettuce, tomato stuffed with cottage
(01:27):
cheese, or with a cool vegetablesalad. It's hardy enough to please the
huskiest he man appetite, and spamsaves kitchen time, no fuss, no
bother. Ask your food dealer forspam tomorrow. Then surprise your family with
taste tempting spam and salad, andtry the other easy recipes on the label,
you'll find you can fry spam,dice it, slice it, bake
(01:51):
it, because cold or hot spamhits the spot. And here are those
two delightful people, the stars ofour show, George and Gracie. Thank
(02:17):
you, thank you very much.Well, Gracie, what did you do
yesterday? I went to Catalina?Oh did you? Did you go alone?
Naturally? Well that's fine, butcan I have my compacts in your
pocket? I'll show you were therealone? Were here? Gracie? Which
one is yours? Oh? Finallygot ourselves a romantic kid on the show.
(02:38):
He's a regular cavan Nova. Youmean casanova, George? When I
kiss him? Their Cavanova? Oh, yes, cavan Ova get it?
Yeah? This is my smart weekness. Well, say George, George,
would you come here a moment?Please say, George, I'd like to
(02:59):
work with Gracie. So easy,it doesn't Would you like to try it?
Would I? Oh? Boy?Well, how do I start?
Well? All you've got to dois walk up to Gracie and say how
is your brother? Then she talksfor about five years. All I say
is how is your brother? Yes? But but I've got a little t
TL for you. Yeah, incase you get in trouble and there is
a slight possibility. Yeah, justsinging Nola, Nola, Yeah, you
(03:22):
know dead, do do do dodo do so? Then I start by
saying, Gracie, how's your brother? Go right ahead, Okay, I'll
be standing right here, Gracie,Gracie, how's your brother? All the
most terrible things happened last night.We were awakened in the middle of the
night and there was my brother sittingup and dead, and his eyes were
sticking out of his head. Hiseyes were sticking out of his head.
(03:43):
Yeah, what did you do?What do we do? We sent for
a doctor, of course. Whatdid the doctor do? Well? He
took Ann Sheridan's picture off the wall. We all went back to sleep again.
You do do do do do dodo do do do do do do
Gracie. Where is your brother now? Oh, he's in the east.
He went to see that prize fighter, you know, the one who fights
(04:05):
withoutney clothes down. There's a prizefighter who fights without nick closing. Oh,
that's what my brother said in thisletter. Just Galent will fight there.
Well, Gracie, Gracie, whatdoes your brother do for a living?
Oh? He's very wealthy. Ohyeah, he had two cars,
(04:27):
lots of clothes, and he goesto Palm Springs for the winter and Lake
our Ahead for the summer. Wellwhat does he do for a living?
Oh he's a son in law,Gracie. What did your brother do before
that? Oh he was married beforeI know. He's the one who was
a knife thrower in vaudeville and hiswife was his assistant. Oh he used
(04:51):
to throw knives at his wife.Uh huh. Well, one day before
he went on the stage, hehad a little too much to drink.
Well what happened you? Oh,well he got married again. Do do
do well, Gracie, your brotherhe sounds like quite a character. Oh
he is. You know. Whenhe was a little boy, he played
(05:13):
a trick on my father. Heswitched the hot and cold faucet in the
bathtub. Was your father angry?No, but he will be when he
finds out BEAUTI doo doo, Gracie. Is that the brother with the scar
on his neck? Oh? Yes, the pendicitis pendicitis is way down on
the side of the stomach right nowthat he was right up here. But
(05:38):
are you happy? No? Ithought so? Well, Well, well,
here are the smoothies. Hello,Spam, Well it's very pretty beautiful.
Yes, it's really something as smoothas can't you say anything without swinging
like that? Surely George and hewanted to do it. Nothing to it,
spam Jam, Hi diddle did.Now we're jivings old take it?
(06:01):
Oh, stop stop with that takingyou see. I used to be a
dancer, and every time I hadtake it call, I go right into
my dance. Oh sure you knowJodge used to dance for a living.
Did he make much money? Consentto dance? I used to wear a
bathing suit. I was Jansen withtears in my eyes. Oh well,
(06:28):
never mind, never mind. Nowthe smoothies are gonna sing the woodpecker saw
just a minute, smoothies come in. This is what I do for a
living. Hello everybody, Oh asound man. Stop slamming the doors.
You're going to break down the wholebuilding. I know you're a very intellectual
fellow, because you told me lastweek you went four years to Harvard.
And if you think that being asound man is beneath your dignity, why
(06:50):
don't you go back to your family. Mister Burns, I have two brothers.
When my older brother graduated from Harvard, the dean told him, I'm
a great scientist. He later wonthe Nobel Prize. When my other brother
graduated from Harvard, the dean toldhim he'd be a great playwright. He
later won the Pulitzer Prize. Sowhen I graduated from Harvard, the dean
(07:12):
said that I showed more promise thanboth my brothers put together. That was
ten years ago. This is whatI do for a living. Say sound
man, I really feel sorry foryou, but don't give up. After
all, someday it may be likeme, George. Don't discourage him.
(07:33):
I don't think I've got me talented. Bubba's what do you want? Well,
Gracie, you know today is yourgrandfather's birthday. He's ninety two years
old. Yeah, I know.I got him a gift, daughter.
What is the gift? Two lessonsfrom Madame Lauzanga. It's six lessons from
Madam Lazanga. Oh, you neverlast that long, I know your grandfather.
(07:54):
Neither will Madame Lazanga. Well,anyway, Gracie, tonight we're giving
him that surprise party. And inorder to get him out of the house,
I had a promised to take himdown to Earl Carroll's vanity. Well,
did you take him there? No? I took him up to Mount
Wilson Observatory and he spent two hourslooking through their giant telescope. What about
Earl Carroll's vanities? What do youthink he was looking at? Where's the
(08:16):
kid? Now? He's downstairs inthe car. Al we'll send him up
and we'll keep him here into theparty tonight, right, goodbye four years
and oh quiet quiet now listen everybodyafter the show. You're all invited to
my grandpas surprise party. Oh,we're going to have more fun. And
there's going to be a big cakewith six candles on it. As six
candle huh, your grandfather is ninetytwo years old. Yeah, but the
(08:39):
cake is only sick. Oh,I say it's the cat's right to you
waiting. He's uply, torn andbide and early. Do you wig up
all the name? Do you bringyou heavy? Boy? Ang girly?
(09:03):
He is heavy, serving need offood. Give him taking out an all
the tick tack, taking out thesame old tree. He's as heavy as
a love of me all Alonge's servingarer. Lady, just find a tree
that's shady. When you hear thattig t t tick tick tick tick tick
(09:26):
tick sing ride along, come mornand try his real and like your hearts
feed will just listen to us thattig tick tick tick happy little but back
a song. Listen back back alltogether, let your heartbeating rhythm keep wood
(09:54):
pecker song. He's a bee,he's won early wig of all the ver
dring went the ball girl. He'shappy seven nay on wood digging out of
melody, hacking that same old treeheavy has a bumblebee on along to severnade.
(10:18):
Your lady just found a tree.That's shame. And when you hear
that dick dicks along, come onand try his rhythm and let your heart
be it will. And when youhear that dicktick happy little woodpecker song,
(10:48):
just you pack just in ti.He's a beast stone with a song?
What backer? What backer? Songslike a happened and it's like it's like
a stepper what packer? What?And what so well kets that was really
(11:11):
a grand number. You liked it. We're glad you did. But now's
your chance. Son't take your tidyou sir, Oh no, wait a
minute, stop with that taked kids, you know I can't beat my prince
though, but it does bring backmemories of mortal. I can see my
building right now in front of thetheater. George Burns and Gurley fantastic steppers.
(11:35):
What a vehicle, Remember, Gracy, how I used to jump four
feet in the air and click myheels. Oh yeah, And Lardy said
that was the only thing in theact that clicked. Wait a minute,
Burns and Gurley was the name ofthe dancing act. Who was Gurley?
Yo? All right, all right, all right, Gracy. So we're
(11:56):
all invited to your grandfather's ninety secondBrithday fought. Oh George, please don't
ever let my grandpaie. Hey,you say he's ninety two. Why not?
Well he goes around telling everybody he'sonly ninety Gracie. Remember my birthday
party last year? Oh? Sure? Remember the birthday cake? Yeah,
Telly candles on it. There werea few more than that, not in
(12:16):
the piece I had. George.I don't know about your age, but
you certainly know how to wear clothes. And blue suit with that red tie
certainly is a swell combination. Thanks, Bud. It's like spam with chili
saw. Thanks. I've listened toyou on the radio month in and month
(12:37):
out, and you're really great allyou're around. Oh thanks, But like
spam, it keeps so well thateven the refrigeration. Thanks bod at the
dinner table, there is nothing morebeautiful. What coloring? How enticing and
so pretty? Oh thanks, Idon't mean you, Oh I know you
mean spam. Oh I mean heddylamar well, of course that's just swell
(13:00):
dish too. I'm crazy about spall. What is it? Give Judge back
his compact? Quiet? Quiet?Which one is yours? Juliet? Hello,
just a minute, gracious for you? Hello, this is Gracie.
Allen stands me to speaking. Ohhello, Bessy. How the preparations for
(13:24):
Grandpa's surprise party coming along? Whatyou burn the rice pudding? Oh,
there's nothing to be worried about.You put onontein on us what. Oh,
don't worry. When Grandpa arrives,we'll keep him here. Now.
I can't hear you, Bessy talkingto the mouthpiece. But you took the
(13:46):
mouthpiece off the phonem Oh you're usingit as a cookie cutter for cupcake.
Oh well, why can't you hearme? We'll hold the receiver closer to
your ear. Oh you're ashing potatoeswith it? What are you using for
a centipizza on the table? Swisscheese? Swiss cheese to make a beautiful
(14:11):
centerpiece? Oh? Sure, sheputs the flowers in the little hole.
That nice arrangement. Do you onlyhave a dozen darlings? Oh that'll never
be enough. I can eat thatmetty myself. That's delicious with paper napkins,
Jesse, Bessy, what about theboiled duck? How's it coming along?
Well, you can't keep any waterin the pot. Why not?
(14:35):
All the duck keeps drinking it?You mean you mean the duck is living
if you Well, let's break thisup. This is what are you going
(14:56):
to play tonight? So, Jorge, we've got a new and little different
arrangement of April. She answering myObama, I know who's staying. I'm
okay, okay, send your lead. Okay, George, I guess we'll
have to play Alice blue Gown.I say, just because you're South American
guitar player senior Lee who can't evenspeak a word of English, doesn't happen
to like April Showers. You're notgoing to play it, That's right,
(15:18):
fall out of April Showers is abeautiful number. One. April showers will
come your way. They bring fourhours. George, Your George is that
April showers? Certainly? No,I don't like it either. You don't
(15:43):
like it? That's right, boy, comma's ready to be lousy. That's
right. Okay, play Alice bluegown. Okay, wait for your cue.
What are he's starting so soon for? If I got a date?
He's got a date? Sure,it's please. This is my problem,
(16:04):
all right, boys? Ready?One, two, he four? Look,
Senior Lee, we're doing a broadcast. That's Monday. We'reround the air,
and we must be finished before Friday. I do nothing. If it's
gone ego for to me, Itake it easy. I can't understand what
you're saying. Foreigner far enough.Look Adi, I've got a teo for
(16:30):
you. If you don't get ridof that guy, I'm gonna get rid
of you. Now you're cooking withgas. Seniorly, I've had about enough
out of you. I'm the bossof this program, and I expect to
be on the show for many years. The guys, I thought it was
calling the guys and ecchetes. Miles, you're freaking sins. What what did
he say? Don't send out yourlaundry? All right? Ai Alice Doll
(18:23):
gave me for the room, SayGrady, can I borrow you for a
(19:52):
moment? Will you pay me backfirst? I want to tell you what
every woman should know. Now,you and I have a d Gracie.
Where are we going? Follow me? Now here? We are standing in
your nearest foodstore. Now do yousee those cans of spam on the shelf.
Yes, well, take one andlook at the sentence on the label.
(20:15):
Park shoulder meat with hand meat atit. Now, there is the
secret of Spam's goodness and quality.Spam is not only a pure pork product,
but is a perfect blend of thechoicest cuts pork shoulder, the juiciest,
sweetest meat, combined with ham meatwell known for tenderness and flavor.
Hormel is proud to tell you righton the label of the spam can exactly
(20:36):
what spam is made of. Andwhen you take home a can of spam,
you give your family delicious tender meat. Everyone will say is swell.
Try one new way to serve spamthis week. Use the easy recipes you'll
find on the label you will discoveryou can fry spam for breakfast, serve
it cold for lunch just as itcomes from the can, or baked spam
hole for dinner. I get asupply tomorrow. Ask your food dealer for
(20:59):
spa m Spain. Well, I'lldo it, licens rye. Hold on,
HiT's this but nicely done? Man. I really loved Dallas Blogan.
But the thing I enjoy most iswhen you pick up that clarinet, you're
(21:19):
really swinging, You're you're just drivingat and yeah, that's sure. When
he swings it, he's right inthe grave. In the grave, Senior
Lee, You mean in the groove, yeah, senor in the In the
grave means I'm dead, very finished. That's right. Million gatap layers in
(21:41):
the Union. And I had towind up with this one, George,
what is it me? Oh?Sacred? I found out plenty about that
Senior lead. I had dinner witha certain party last night. I always
spoke about with Senior Lea. Whodid you have dinner with Senior Lea?
You had dinner with senior Leeton.That's right. Stop with that that side.
(22:06):
I don't want to hear anymore thatside. I've had enough of that
side. That's right, Oh,quiet, quiet, and George, what
is it? I heard that everyday Attie Shaw goes down to the drugstore
and drinks a molded milk through hisclarinet, a molted milk through was claren?
How did that leak out through thehole? Well, that's the last
(22:33):
straw four years and quiet look washere? Well, don't tell me it's
my grandfa. Well, I ain'ta bag of flower, but I've been
through the mill. Yeah, hickme up, Grace, Well, he
practically find it. How do yourevive him? Phantom? With what?
(22:55):
Dorothy Lamore? You take me half, grace? Dorothy Lamore? Yeah,
I was out with Dorothy Lamore andshe kissed me. She kissed you.
Oh yes, Judge, and theywere very happy before them four yes,
Dorothy, Grandpa and the two menwho held them up. Hair, stitch
(23:18):
and stones may break my balls,but she's just a one that can do
it. Hold your half, boys, every Colls again, pick me up,
Grace, Come on, Grandpa,get up on your feet and stay
there. Mister Burns, Now,what's the sound man? What do you
want? An old man ninety twoyears old does nothing all day long but
(23:40):
run around with Dorothy Lamour. Sowhat this is what I do for a
living sound man. This may surpriseyou, but you're not the only one
on this program with the brain.Oh thanks, Judge, you're welcome.
Well, Grandpa, I want youto meet the cast. Now, is
Bud Easton our announcer? Well,hello, Grandpa, Hello, buddy boy.
(24:04):
I'm an announcer to an announcer.Yeah, announce it to a maiden's
pair. Ain't that a gracie?What does this grandpa of yours want?
Well, he'd like to be sixtyfive and then twenty one, and then
sixty five and then twenty one,then sixty twenty one. Well, he
wants to be old enough to getsocial Security and young enough to enjoy it.
(24:33):
That's uh, that's nice work ifyou can get it. Oh,
Grandpa, these are the smoothies.These are the smoothies. Well, blow
me down, Helloa tined if theydidn't pick me up, grace, gracie.
(24:55):
Yeah, what is it? Iwant to ask your something? What
happens at home with this young Georgia? Allah? Oh, my grandma has
a terrific time between him and thefurnace, Between your grandpa and the furnace.
Yeah, every time she watches one, the other goes out. I've
had enough, Oh Addie, Iwant you to meet my grandpa. Grandpa?
(25:15):
Yeah, Grandpa? Where are youhere? Kid? So long?
Well there comes that love comes toAndy hardening of the ras waiting for four
days, Grandpa, This is AddieShaw, Hello Grandpa. Hi, Corney,
(25:38):
I'm corny. That's right, Senor. If you don't stop butting and
I'll have to punch you on thenose. Anybody shows her face around here
and say that I killed him,well, why don't you kill me?
You called that a face? Getout? Get out? This is what
I do for a living, hey, sound man. You see, most
(25:59):
of us do things that we don'twant to do for a living. Take
me, for instance. When Istarted out, I worked very hard,
and after many years, I finallyclicked. I don't know what it is.
Maybe it was an accident. MisterBurns. The reason for your success
is that you have something that nobodyelse has got. Really, where did
you get, miss Allen? Igot a cli Grandpa. Get away from
(26:29):
those drums. See surprise party andno surprise party? Do we have to
keep him here? Oh strudge,you spoil the whole thing. There's no
any way that we can quiet thisold guy. But do what we do
at home? Why are you doat home? Well, we just give
him pictures of grandmostars and dating beauties, and he sits in a rocking chair
and sings. Well what is hesaying? Wish we'll make it so certly
(26:53):
picked out a nice number. Hey, Grandpa, give me back my clarinet.
Ah, here the boy. Waita minute, Grandpa, take your
teeth chracy when you talk to him. Oh yeah, Grandpa, you're gonna
need them for the surprise party I'mgiving you tonight. You gave away the
whole things. Say, Grace,I can't make it tonight. Kind of
(27:17):
got a date with greeta garbyl greetagobble. Ninety two year old guy like
yous got a date with greeta gobble. Hello, that's right, that's all.
(27:47):
While we're waiting for George and Gracieto return, let me suggest an
easy way to give your family agrand summer supper. Serve spam and salad.
Get a can of spam when youshop tomorrow. Open and slice this
tender, delicious meat. A perfectcompanion for your favorite salad. You'll say
It's great too because spam is economicalto you, so easy to fix.
(28:07):
Surprise your family with spam and saladtomorrow. Thank you, Bud. Oh
Gracie, say good night, Ohgood night, Oh George, George.
Look at the lovely roses Ray Noble, just Anthony Ray Noble. Huh where
are the flowers right here in thepackage of seeds? Good night All.
(28:40):
Listen again next Monday night, savetime at stations for another George Burns Gracie
Allen production with Arnie Shaw and hisorchestra Headles Smoothies, brought to you by
horm allan spam. Until then,this is Bud Easton reminding you to remember
that hold or hot spam hit fromthe spot. Good Night Name
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