February 28, 2024 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:06):
From Hollywood. For Hormel and Spam, we present Crazy George Burns and Gracie
Allen Spam rib Boom Spam George Burns, Gracy Allen on Shaw when he's or
(00:30):
get strong, singing blee, We'rethe smoothieastly last, but not least him
with Bud East Monday Night brings anotherGay Burns an Alan show to your house
(01:11):
and another hint for serving a warmweather supper. Get a can of spam
spam. Slice this tender, juicy, grand tasting meat and serve with tomatoes
stuffed with cottage cheese. Add yourfavorite ice drink, a simple dessert,
and you have a swell supper youcan fix in a jiffy. Dad and
the youngsters will like the tasty flavorof spam the way this delicious meat fills
(01:33):
up a husky appetite. That's theeasy shortcut to summer meals. Let spam
a Horme malle product. Do thework. Get a supply at your food
store. Just ask for spam,the meat of many uses that keeps without
refrigeration. Be sure to try theeasy recipes on the label. You'll be
surprised what spam can do for yourmeals time now to present the stars of
(02:06):
our show. And here they are, those two spam happy people, George
and Gracie. Thank you very much. Now, don't forget that. But
you pounced before the broadcast. It'sa day tonight, you and but have
a day. Yes, George,Gracie wants me to take her to the
Hollywood Bowl. This might be asurprise to you, but there's nothing going
(02:29):
on at the Hollywood Bowl tonight.He will be when we get there,
if you know what I mean.Thank her, know what you mean.
But before you get yourself involved inthis little romance, Bud, it would
be sort of a nice idea tomeet Gracie's family. Oh are the sociable
lot congenial? Congenial? I mether brother, the dentist, and I
said hello, and he nicely pulledout fourteen of my teeth from which pocket
(02:53):
the inside pocket? Some family?Oh yeah, but you should see my
uncle's family. Seventeen in one room. And yes, seventeen people in one
room. Yes, how do theylive? They're taking borders. I guess
that's better than walking around in thehot sun. By the way, George,
how did you and Grace the enjoythe kiddie party you went to last
week given an honor of Baby Sandy. It was terrific. All the grown
(03:15):
ups got into kitty costumes and allnight long, baby Sandy sat in the
corner. Well, George, Isaw what she was. She sat in
three corners. Well that covers thatfor me. Thanks somebody. Edward g
(03:38):
Robinson and Jimmy Cagney skipping rope allnight. Oh yeah, boy was skinny
and is angry? And what washe angry about? He was the rope.
Well that's a new twist, George, I'm saying you have to wait.
How much screamed tonight? What care? Oh secret? You know that
every time Jimmy Kagney gets it's anew girl. He just can't seem to
(04:01):
hold on to what I see incompatibility, No Incompatib'brian Gracie stopped whispering and whispering,
And I'm not going to any moreof these boring kiddie parties. Well
what about the dart game? Now, wasn't that a lot of fun?
Whoever would hit the bullseye? Igot to kiss Dorothy Lamore. I not
only didn't hit the bull's eye,I missed the target altogether. Well,
(04:24):
George, instead of a dot,you should have used a can of spam.
Spam, you know, hitched thespot. Yeah, oh, George.
Dorothy Lamour was there, that's right. But you know I went out
with her once, really, yeah. I took her out one night and
we went home and sat in theparlor and I read poetry to her,
(04:46):
and all of a sudden she turnedoff the light. What happened? I
turned it back on. I can'tread in the dark, I see.
You know, there's one thing Ican't understand. But at the party,
the master ceremonies introduced everybody to dosomething, and when it got to me,
he forgot my name. I don'tworry about Harry. Harry. My
(05:09):
name happens to be George. Ohpardoner here I keeps thinking it's Tuesday.
Well, it might interest you toknow that at the party I had an
offer to make a picture from agentleman named Joe Pastor Knight. Joe,
who's there? Who's there? Heonly happens to be the producer who's responsible
for the success of Deanna Durban andGloria Jean. He started in the picture
business with shorts, and in notime he came through. We're out the
(05:31):
shorts, sir, Yeah, sliddown the anastas well. Anyway, mister
Pasnack is looking for a comedian forhis next picture, and he's coming up
here to see me. Oh areyou gonna help him find one? Remember
me? George Burns comedian? Lastweek? The audience screamed. When I
wore those funny pants, didn't Ihave them laying in the aisles? Yeah,
well you should have worn suspenders.Harty addie saw you were here last
(05:57):
week? Uh? How how arethose? Laughs? Great? George?
About one hundred and six? One'tthere? One hundred and seven hundred and
seven? Man? Yeah you gotone too. Oh yeah, we'll leave
it to the boys. Boys.Good n't I get a lot of laughs
last week? Well? Fellas didn't? I? Oh sure? Thanks?
Boys? See CC to Twitter TheresaCalas chest guitar player Senior. What is
(06:25):
it? Senor? Verns to me? You are a very funny man.
Well thanks? When you tell jokes, you tickle me punk? You tickle
me punk? That's wrong, anme? You tickle me punk? What
(06:46):
are you gonna play tonight? George? Come here? Oh a secret?
Yeah, I've got a special arrangementof April showers. Why are you whispering?
Well, Senor Lee? My guitarplayer doesn't like that number, and
he's hard of hearing. Samuel Leeis hard of hearing. That's right?
Why that's that's a beautiful number?Oh, a pro shows we George,
(07:13):
you might turn out to be anotherNelsonnetti. Will come home, Nelsonetti?
Take away his hair? And whathave you got? Jack Danny? Oh
quiet, leave a Dardi Shaw.He happens to be a great musician.
What do you think of my boyottie? Well, personally, George,
I think you picked the wrong kindof numbers. You do? Yeah,
you should sing Home on the Range, Home on the range, Yeah,
(07:34):
and then turn on the gas.You'll have to go a long way to
find a better singer than I am. From there to hear its far you're
you're a better singer than I am. You really think so? I don't
(07:54):
believe you can sing at all.I will do a number for you now
that we'll give you to pieces.Well, all right, kill me the
piece. Let's hear it. Whenhe putty showers wall, that's a no.
That's a schools That was Sweet Sueplayed by Annie Seawana's orchestra and Attie,
(11:22):
you're not only a swell musician,but you're a nice guy, thanks
George. And you're a nice guy, and you're easy to get along with.
You're easy to get along with too, and confidentially you've got a lot
of talent. Uh well, thanksGeorge. Now listen everybody, when Miss
(11:46):
the Past Night gets here, remember, I run the show. I get
the idea for the show. Iwrite it, direct it, produce it
and act in it. Get itawesome. My name is George. I
keep thinking it's Tuesday. Up withthat too. You don't even know who
Austin Wells is. I do too. He's making a picture for the twenty
first century Fox. Twenty first centuryFox. It's twentieth century Fox. Oh,
(12:09):
by the time he finishes the pictureof the baby, twenty first century
Fox. Well, anyway, he'sa big producer. And when he just
a minute, Hello, who Graceis for you? Hello Gracie Allen stands
meat hoot speaking Who Bessie? Ah, that's too bad, goodbye. Well
(12:31):
that's a smartphone conversation. But George, that was my sister Bessie. You
know she's the one who's married toan aviator. He's a stuntflyer. You
know a stunt flyer. Yes,he went up in the air last week
and he looped the loop fifty times, and when he was going into it
for the fifty first time, hesaw something coming taught him that frightened him
to death. What do you sayhis aeroplane his aeroplane he dropped twenty thousand
(12:56):
feet or didn't he have a parashote? Sure, he pulled a string for
twenty minutes, and what happened heunraveled is underwear. The unravel is on
the way. I wonder what's keepingthat producer? Let me see when it
comes. What can I do toimpress him? First, I'll get the
(13:16):
orchestra to give me a terrific fanfare. Then I can do those Bob Hope
type of jokes. Senor Burns,Why don't you tell a greedle a?
I know some very funny griddles.Well, let's hear a funny griddle.
This is a very hard one toguess. What's the difference between between what
(13:41):
stuck? Eh, some griddle?But when mister Passna comes in, I
want to make an impression on him, So will you tell him something nice
about me? Well, certainly,George. I'll tell him about the salaries
you pay everybody. Do you thinkthat will impress him? But sure,
it's the little things that count.Oh, that'll be nice, George.
(14:03):
I've got an idea that might helpyou. What is it, Ottie?
Well, I've got a wonderful referenceabout myself, and when pastnac comes in,
I can switch it and say it'sabout you. Swell, Ottie,
listen to it. You are avery bright person, one that makes friends
easily. You have great talent andare destined to reach the greatest heights of
success. It's wonderful. Where'd youget it, Addie? Out of a
weighing machine. Well that's a greathelp, George. I think you're silly.
(14:31):
You don't need any help. Whenhe comes in. Just act natural,
Just get up and tell a fewjokes and sing a few songs.
Let him see the real you,all right, so you won't get the
job. I'll stop roping. Iknow what I'll do. I'll tell him
a few of my ideas. I'llimpress him with my brain. Sure,
it's the little things that count.I think I've got a hey sound man
(14:52):
four years in Harvard. Come here, mister Burns. Just a moment,
I'm reading the Encyclopedia Britannica. Wouldyou mind turning to the last page.
Why I want to see who getsthe girl? Oh? Quiet, sound
man, Come here. Look,I need a high class introduction, and
I know that you've had an educationin What language do you want this introduction?
(15:13):
I know Esperanto, Arabian, Sanskrit, Venetian, Latin. Do you
know any Greek only Pococaucus? Look, I want a flowery introduction in high
class English. Get the parent,mister Burns. I believe I have formulated
in my mind an introduction befitting oneof your positions in radio. Well give
(15:33):
out. Let's hear it. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, when you introduce
a great playwright, you don't sayWilliam Shakespeare, you say Shakespeare. When
you introduce a great actress, youdon't say Greta Garbo, you say Gobo.
The same is true in the fieldof comedy. Tonight, ladies and
gentlemen. It gives me great pleasureto introduce George Burns. Wow flanks very
(15:58):
much, and remind me to giveyou a new doll for Christmas. And
now the smoothies. Babs Jarling andlittle will saying mister Medlelocke, George,
is there any chance of us gettingin the picture? Well, have you
ever had any experience? Experience?We've been in all the arcilled pictures,
in all the archaical pictures. Whatdid you do? Oh, that's beautiful,
(16:22):
beautiful beginning of the picture, whilejust saying your little number. Wait
a minute, this is probably misterPassnik come in. Hello, everybody,
Hello, mister Pastanak. Gracie.It's a girlfriend, Bubbles Pastnack is a
producer. Did you have a hairof three smart girls? It is Saint
(16:44):
George. The girl with the informationdesk told me to tell you that mister
Pastenac called and he said he'd beright over. Thanks, and Gracie,
did I get a thrill? Iwas just down at the drug store and
they named a sandwich after me.Really, it's a triple deck or chicken
sandwich. You don't say yes tosbetween three loaves of bread. That's a
nice little tipping. What's killing you? I remember, Bubbles, when you
(17:10):
got on the scale of the drugstore the other day. Yes, and
the scale was broken and it onlyregistered sixty pounds. One kid turned to
the other he said, Look,Jimmy, she's hollow. That's all,
(17:36):
mister Bedlard. We got an awfullot of seven eight do do, mister
bed Lord. I'm just the city'sthicker man. I'm counting on you.
She's got a country guy who whistles. My whistle is thing. So when
I begin, that's where you comein, mister meadal Lark. If you
(18:03):
chicam again to win him, kissingmy cheese means to me, Mark,
I hope you'll have the decency toexit. Luck we if missus emphys show
rod stepping, I'll make it over, mister meadowlion me in the dark to
night in the city. I'm aloving guy, butney in the country.
(18:29):
I don't know why I'm sitting there, Phil and Lewis can be loved.
I'm sitting there looking. My mind'sare cooking. I'm sitting there looking my
mind's are cooking. Someone says tohim, No, look, little bird,
I'm going to tell you something thatyou never have heard. Oh,
mister meadowlike, we've got an awfullot, Sarah, laydon to do we
(18:55):
have, mister Medlark. I'm justto sit sneaking in Kelly on you on
you she's got a country. Theguy who whistles my whistle. Listen so
that I'll begin. That's where youcome in, mister Medlehart. If you
(19:18):
chikapa got to whead kissing not youneed less to mark. I hope you'll
have the decency. Do you exit? But missus stepping? Oh, make
it all right. Just listen,mister mendlelark. You mean me in the
dark. You frans Spam keeps withoutrefrigeration and yes, crazy, say that
(19:56):
again, spankys refrigeration. Yeah,ag, spam keeps without refrigeration. Again,
Spam keeps without refrigeration. Again,spam keeps without refrigeration. Say what
is this? I've already said itfive times? Yeah? Now, and
I like to watch you say youlike to watch me? Say what?
Well, it's so cute to wadnature Addamsapple go up and down? Oh
(20:18):
crazy. I don't know what spamdoes in my adam Zapple, but I
certainly know what it will do toyour appetite and friends. I know that
you don't want to spend a lotof time in the kitchen these warm days.
But when Dad and the youngsters saywe're hungry, you've got to fill
them up. Now that's the timeto let spam sbam do the work.
Spam keeps without refrigeration, so it'salways ready for quick action. Just open
(20:42):
a can of this tender, grandtasting meat, slice and serve with sliced
tomato, cottage cheese, or anyone of your favorite summer salads. Men,
folks like the meaty flavor, thesatisfying goodness of spam, and you
like it because you don't have tocook spam. Just open the can and
it's already to eat, the perfectthing for hurry up meals. Get a
can or to when you shop tomorrow. Just ask for spam s P A
(21:06):
M. And try the easy recipeson the label. Then you'll know why
spam is America's perfect hot weather food. Slice it, dice it, wry,
bake it, call or hunt slam. It's this fun snories. That
(21:32):
was the grand job with mister medalLoock. You know, I love to
listen to harmony, and I usedto bring with the quartet. You know,
I when you sneeze, sneeze theother way. I don't know any
other way. You know. Iused to sing with the with the pee
Wee quartet, and I was Iwas now this might be your passionate now
(21:52):
remember everybody, and I'm your boss, so on your toes. I want
to impress him. Come in,Oh, mister yesternight, along, mister
fast Knight. Hello, George,Gracie, take mister pass Knight's happing coat?
Are you still looking? Just takeit, Gray Sha, just you
(22:17):
take it, George. I rushedright over, but I can't stay here
along. You see, I'm inmiddle of a new picture seven centers with
Marlane A d tries No. Iknow. I've been working very hard.
Nothing. I don't have to goback and probably be stuck with Marlaney Detrich
until three in the morning. Shouldhappen to me? And mister pass Knack?
Do you rash the actors too?I do all the seeds for him.
If it's a loft scene, Ido that too. You mean you
(22:37):
kiss? Oh? I kissed allthe movies stuck? Really? Oh?
Tell me? Is it a thrilledto kiss clock Abel Grace? Please?
Miss Allen? Who'd want to kissClode Gable? Should happen to me?
So, mister pash Knaight the comedyprobably your next picture is still open up?
(22:59):
Yes, George, That's why I'mhere as a matter of fact,
I had nothing but George Burns.George Burns for the last few weeks.
Really, who's been telling you aboutme? You have? Well, you're
not making any mistake, Adi Shaw. Do I get a lot of laughs
on this program? Yes, indeed, mister Pasternak, George has more talent
and his little finger than Benny Allenand Hope together. It says here,
(23:29):
mister Passnak, wasn't that a funnyline that Ali Shaw just pulled? I
wrote that joke? Quiet, Quiet, send your pastor knack. Mister Burns
has a large talent. Listening tohim singing has learned me a lot ley
It isn't learned you. It's torture. Torture, send your pastor knack and
listening to mister Burtons sing it's torturewell but much better. Well anyway,
(23:59):
mister Passnak, I'm not that Ineed the money, but I'd love to
make a picture for you. Iwas on the Universe a lot before.
I got a big kickout of OhYes, he got a big kick out
of Paraman, he got a kickout of the RKO, and you got
kicked out in here, mister Passnak. What's the plot of the picture.
Well, George, you know it'sa typical Hollywood story. Boy meets girl,
(24:21):
Girl meets boy. Girl meets girl, boy meets boy. They meet
at eight o'clock, they meet again. It too sounds like a lot of
meat. I put a lot ofmeat in there because I know this was
a spam program. Well, it'sreally nice of you to mention spam,
mister pass Knight. George, Ihave no fool. If the picture business
blows over, I might try radio. Oh well, what was you doing
(24:42):
radio? When April showers? Move? I see you too. Hut me
out of here, Let me outof here. Four years and sound man,
what's bothering you now? Joe Pasternak, picture producer who has a voice
like Donald Duck with a bad cold. There's a guest star on this program,
Burns, whose voice sounds like rippinga rag. Is the star of
(25:03):
this program. I won the NobelPrize prediction and this is what I do
for a living. Mister pass Knight, didn't you come up? They had
to sign a fellow for a comedyrole in the picture. Okay, George,
I'm ready. Well, let metake you into the control room and
then you can hear those big laughs. I get much better. Come on,
mister pass Knight, Now listen,everybody. George really wants this job.
(25:26):
And but once I think we oughtto help, sure, I need
to. Now I've heard him rehearsing. Those jokes are gonna tell and he
needs plenty of help. But I'vegot an idea. Bubbles. Yes,
Gracie, you staged back of George, and when he gets to the finish
of each joke, you dance arumber. But Gracie, I weigh three
hundred and fifty pounds. When Istart to shake people with laugh that's the
idea. Oh, I got it. That's wonderful, Gracie. Pastor Knack
(25:49):
will think they're laughing at George.George will get the job, and we'll
all live happily. Ever aften,well here comes George. Now, well
I'll get ready to run the bubble. Okay, Well, he's in bad
now for some funny stuff. Well, good evening, folks. On my
way at the studio tonight, Idropped into a department store and I said
to the floor walker, I wantto ask the salesgirl on the fifth floor
(26:12):
for a date. How do Iget up there? And he said escalator,
And I said escalator nothing, I'llesca right now to laugh. I
got him, I got him rollingout front. Say, folks, you
(26:37):
should meet my girl. She's reallya honey I call a knob because she's
something to a door. Oh boy, I a scream? Am I a
success hip parade? I don't getto do all? Right? Of course,
folks, my girl is very healthy. She's a little puny. You
(27:00):
know what a puny is. Apuny is a small horse. Imagine such
an old joke getting such a biglass. He's only thirty four. Who's
uh, who's only thirty four?Oh oh, let me do the talking.
Well, Joe, how did youlike it? It was terrific,
(27:22):
George, I never had such alaughs. I got a contract right here.
Really, you really meaning a contractfor me? No, for the
fat girl who did the funny dancewhile you were telling those broken down jokes.
Fat girl, Well you want afunny dance? Well that's a fine
thing. I give an audition andBubbles gets the job. Well, goodbye,
George. I'm leaving tonight on theTalon search. I'm going east to
(27:45):
get some new faces, new faces. But mister Passnak what about me.
Oh ye're mister Pasnack, get onefor George too. Is that before George
(28:07):
and Gracie say good night, theyasked me to suggest that you try spam
tomorrow. Just open a can ofthis delicious meat. It's all ready to
eat, slice and serve in spamwichesor with your favorite summer salad. You'll
find everybody in your house likes themeaty flavor, the lip smacking goodness of
spam. Get a can or toat your food dealers. Try the easy
recipes on the label. You'll discoverthat with spam you save kitchen time and
(28:30):
serve wholesome food. Say good night. Oh wait, I promise say good
night to the detailed reat mealers who'llhold in neck convention in Saint Paul,
the detail reat mealer. Yes,you mean the retail meat dealers does make
a diffipe of with it. Nofob me from it. Good night,
Pauls. Good night. Listen againnext Monday night, same time. I'm
(29:00):
same station for George Burns and GracieAllen with Ardie Shaw and his orchestra and
the smoothies brought to you by Hormeland Spam. Until then, this is
but Houston, reminding you to rememberthat cold or hot spam hits the spot.
Have you tried Hormale chili concarney.You may think you don't like chili,
(29:22):
but chili con carney the way Hormelmakes it is different and everybody likes
it. Double your money back.If you don't like it, Try Hormale
Chili con carney tomorrow. This isthe National Broadcasting Company BO
From Hollywood. For Hormel and Spam, we present Crazy George Burns and Gracie
Allen Spam rib Boom Spam George Burns, Gracy Allen on Shaw when he's or
(00:30):
get strong, singing blee, We'rethe smoothieastly last, but not least him
with Bud East Monday Night brings anotherGay Burns an Alan show to your house
(01:11):
and another hint for serving a warmweather supper. Get a can of spam
spam. Slice this tender, juicy, grand tasting meat and serve with tomatoes
stuffed with cottage cheese. Add yourfavorite ice drink, a simple dessert,
and you have a swell supper youcan fix in a jiffy. Dad and
the youngsters will like the tasty flavorof spam the way this delicious meat fills
(01:33):
up a husky appetite. That's theeasy shortcut to summer meals. Let spam
a Horme malle product. Do thework. Get a supply at your food
store. Just ask for spam,the meat of many uses that keeps without
refrigeration. Be sure to try theeasy recipes on the label. You'll be
surprised what spam can do for yourmeals time now to present the stars of
(02:06):
our show. And here they are, those two spam happy people, George
and Gracie. Thank you very much. Now, don't forget that. But
you pounced before the broadcast. It'sa day tonight, you and but have
a day. Yes, George,Gracie wants me to take her to the
Hollywood Bowl. This might be asurprise to you, but there's nothing going
(02:29):
on at the Hollywood Bowl tonight.He will be when we get there,
if you know what I mean.Thank her, know what you mean.
But before you get yourself involved inthis little romance, Bud, it would
be sort of a nice idea tomeet Gracie's family. Oh are the sociable
lot congenial? Congenial? I mether brother, the dentist, and I
said hello, and he nicely pulledout fourteen of my teeth from which pocket
(02:53):
the inside pocket? Some family?Oh yeah, but you should see my
uncle's family. Seventeen in one room. And yes, seventeen people in one
room. Yes, how do theylive? They're taking borders. I guess
that's better than walking around in thehot sun. By the way, George,
how did you and Grace the enjoythe kiddie party you went to last
week given an honor of Baby Sandy. It was terrific. All the grown
(03:15):
ups got into kitty costumes and allnight long, baby Sandy sat in the
corner. Well, George, Isaw what she was. She sat in
three corners. Well that covers thatfor me. Thanks somebody. Edward g
(03:38):
Robinson and Jimmy Cagney skipping rope allnight. Oh yeah, boy was skinny
and is angry? And what washe angry about? He was the rope.
Well that's a new twist, George, I'm saying you have to wait.
How much screamed tonight? What care? Oh secret? You know that
every time Jimmy Kagney gets it's anew girl. He just can't seem to
(04:01):
hold on to what I see incompatibility, No Incompatib'brian Gracie stopped whispering and whispering,
And I'm not going to any moreof these boring kiddie parties. Well
what about the dart game? Now, wasn't that a lot of fun?
Whoever would hit the bullseye? Igot to kiss Dorothy Lamore. I not
only didn't hit the bull's eye,I missed the target altogether. Well,
(04:24):
George, instead of a dot,you should have used a can of spam.
Spam, you know, hitched thespot. Yeah, oh, George.
Dorothy Lamour was there, that's right. But you know I went out
with her once, really, yeah. I took her out one night and
we went home and sat in theparlor and I read poetry to her,
(04:46):
and all of a sudden she turnedoff the light. What happened? I
turned it back on. I can'tread in the dark, I see.
You know, there's one thing Ican't understand. But at the party,
the master ceremonies introduced everybody to dosomething, and when it got to me,
he forgot my name. I don'tworry about Harry. Harry. My
(05:09):
name happens to be George. Ohpardoner here I keeps thinking it's Tuesday.
Well, it might interest you toknow that at the party I had an
offer to make a picture from agentleman named Joe Pastor Knight. Joe,
who's there? Who's there? Heonly happens to be the producer who's responsible
for the success of Deanna Durban andGloria Jean. He started in the picture
business with shorts, and in notime he came through. We're out the
(05:31):
shorts, sir, Yeah, sliddown the anastas well. Anyway, mister
Pasnack is looking for a comedian forhis next picture, and he's coming up
here to see me. Oh areyou gonna help him find one? Remember
me? George Burns comedian? Lastweek? The audience screamed. When I
wore those funny pants, didn't Ihave them laying in the aisles? Yeah,
well you should have worn suspenders.Harty addie saw you were here last
(05:57):
week? Uh? How how arethose? Laughs? Great? George?
About one hundred and six? One'tthere? One hundred and seven hundred and
seven? Man? Yeah you gotone too. Oh yeah, we'll leave
it to the boys. Boys.Good n't I get a lot of laughs
last week? Well? Fellas didn't? I? Oh sure? Thanks?
Boys? See CC to Twitter TheresaCalas chest guitar player Senior. What is
(06:25):
it? Senor? Verns to me? You are a very funny man.
Well thanks? When you tell jokes, you tickle me punk? You tickle
me punk? That's wrong, anme? You tickle me punk? What
(06:46):
are you gonna play tonight? George? Come here? Oh a secret?
Yeah, I've got a special arrangementof April showers. Why are you whispering?
Well, Senor Lee? My guitarplayer doesn't like that number, and
he's hard of hearing. Samuel Leeis hard of hearing. That's right?
Why that's that's a beautiful number?Oh, a pro shows we George,
(07:13):
you might turn out to be anotherNelsonnetti. Will come home, Nelsonetti?
Take away his hair? And whathave you got? Jack Danny? Oh
quiet, leave a Dardi Shaw.He happens to be a great musician.
What do you think of my boyottie? Well, personally, George,
I think you picked the wrong kindof numbers. You do? Yeah,
you should sing Home on the Range, Home on the range, Yeah,
(07:34):
and then turn on the gas.You'll have to go a long way to
find a better singer than I am. From there to hear its far you're
you're a better singer than I am. You really think so? I don't
(07:54):
believe you can sing at all.I will do a number for you now
that we'll give you to pieces.Well, all right, kill me the
piece. Let's hear it. Whenhe putty showers wall, that's a no.
That's a schools That was Sweet Sueplayed by Annie Seawana's orchestra and Attie,
(11:22):
you're not only a swell musician,but you're a nice guy, thanks
George. And you're a nice guy, and you're easy to get along with.
You're easy to get along with too, and confidentially you've got a lot
of talent. Uh well, thanksGeorge. Now listen everybody, when Miss
(11:46):
the Past Night gets here, remember, I run the show. I get
the idea for the show. Iwrite it, direct it, produce it
and act in it. Get itawesome. My name is George. I
keep thinking it's Tuesday. Up withthat too. You don't even know who
Austin Wells is. I do too. He's making a picture for the twenty
first century Fox. Twenty first centuryFox. It's twentieth century Fox. Oh,
(12:09):
by the time he finishes the pictureof the baby, twenty first century
Fox. Well, anyway, he'sa big producer. And when he just
a minute, Hello, who Graceis for you? Hello Gracie Allen stands
meat hoot speaking Who Bessie? Ah, that's too bad, goodbye. Well
(12:31):
that's a smartphone conversation. But George, that was my sister Bessie. You
know she's the one who's married toan aviator. He's a stuntflyer. You
know a stunt flyer. Yes,he went up in the air last week
and he looped the loop fifty times, and when he was going into it
for the fifty first time, hesaw something coming taught him that frightened him
to death. What do you sayhis aeroplane his aeroplane he dropped twenty thousand
(12:56):
feet or didn't he have a parashote? Sure, he pulled a string for
twenty minutes, and what happened heunraveled is underwear. The unravel is on
the way. I wonder what's keepingthat producer? Let me see when it
comes. What can I do toimpress him? First, I'll get the
(13:16):
orchestra to give me a terrific fanfare. Then I can do those Bob Hope
type of jokes. Senor Burns,Why don't you tell a greedle a?
I know some very funny griddles.Well, let's hear a funny griddle.
This is a very hard one toguess. What's the difference between between what
(13:41):
stuck? Eh, some griddle?But when mister Passna comes in, I
want to make an impression on him, So will you tell him something nice
about me? Well, certainly,George. I'll tell him about the salaries
you pay everybody. Do you thinkthat will impress him? But sure,
it's the little things that count.Oh, that'll be nice, George.
(14:03):
I've got an idea that might helpyou. What is it, Ottie?
Well, I've got a wonderful referenceabout myself, and when pastnac comes in,
I can switch it and say it'sabout you. Swell, Ottie,
listen to it. You are avery bright person, one that makes friends
easily. You have great talent andare destined to reach the greatest heights of
success. It's wonderful. Where'd youget it, Addie? Out of a
weighing machine. Well that's a greathelp, George. I think you're silly.
(14:31):
You don't need any help. Whenhe comes in. Just act natural,
Just get up and tell a fewjokes and sing a few songs.
Let him see the real you,all right, so you won't get the
job. I'll stop roping. Iknow what I'll do. I'll tell him
a few of my ideas. I'llimpress him with my brain. Sure,
it's the little things that count.I think I've got a hey sound man
(14:52):
four years in Harvard. Come here, mister Burns. Just a moment,
I'm reading the Encyclopedia Britannica. Wouldyou mind turning to the last page.
Why I want to see who getsthe girl? Oh? Quiet, sound
man, Come here. Look,I need a high class introduction, and
I know that you've had an educationin What language do you want this introduction?
(15:13):
I know Esperanto, Arabian, Sanskrit, Venetian, Latin. Do you
know any Greek only Pococaucus? Look, I want a flowery introduction in high
class English. Get the parent,mister Burns. I believe I have formulated
in my mind an introduction befitting oneof your positions in radio. Well give
(15:33):
out. Let's hear it. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, when you introduce
a great playwright, you don't sayWilliam Shakespeare, you say Shakespeare. When
you introduce a great actress, youdon't say Greta Garbo, you say Gobo.
The same is true in the fieldof comedy. Tonight, ladies and
gentlemen. It gives me great pleasureto introduce George Burns. Wow flanks very
(15:58):
much, and remind me to giveyou a new doll for Christmas. And
now the smoothies. Babs Jarling andlittle will saying mister Medlelocke, George,
is there any chance of us gettingin the picture? Well, have you
ever had any experience? Experience?We've been in all the arcilled pictures,
in all the archaical pictures. Whatdid you do? Oh, that's beautiful,
(16:22):
beautiful beginning of the picture, whilejust saying your little number. Wait
a minute, this is probably misterPassnik come in. Hello, everybody,
Hello, mister Pastanak. Gracie.It's a girlfriend, Bubbles Pastnack is a
producer. Did you have a hairof three smart girls? It is Saint
(16:44):
George. The girl with the informationdesk told me to tell you that mister
Pastenac called and he said he'd beright over. Thanks, and Gracie,
did I get a thrill? Iwas just down at the drug store and
they named a sandwich after me.Really, it's a triple deck or chicken
sandwich. You don't say yes tosbetween three loaves of bread. That's a
nice little tipping. What's killing you? I remember, Bubbles, when you
(17:10):
got on the scale of the drugstore the other day. Yes, and
the scale was broken and it onlyregistered sixty pounds. One kid turned to
the other he said, Look,Jimmy, she's hollow. That's all,
(17:36):
mister Bedlard. We got an awfullot of seven eight do do, mister
bed Lord. I'm just the city'sthicker man. I'm counting on you.
She's got a country guy who whistles. My whistle is thing. So when
I begin, that's where you comein, mister meadal Lark. If you
(18:03):
chicam again to win him, kissingmy cheese means to me, Mark,
I hope you'll have the decency toexit. Luck we if missus emphys show
rod stepping, I'll make it over, mister meadowlion me in the dark to
night in the city. I'm aloving guy, butney in the country.
(18:29):
I don't know why I'm sitting there, Phil and Lewis can be loved.
I'm sitting there looking. My mind'sare cooking. I'm sitting there looking my
mind's are cooking. Someone says tohim, No, look, little bird,
I'm going to tell you something thatyou never have heard. Oh,
mister meadowlike, we've got an awfullot, Sarah, laydon to do we
(18:55):
have, mister Medlark. I'm justto sit sneaking in Kelly on you on
you she's got a country. Theguy who whistles my whistle. Listen so
that I'll begin. That's where youcome in, mister Medlehart. If you
(19:18):
chikapa got to whead kissing not youneed less to mark. I hope you'll
have the decency. Do you exit? But missus stepping? Oh, make
it all right. Just listen,mister mendlelark. You mean me in the
dark. You frans Spam keeps withoutrefrigeration and yes, crazy, say that
(19:56):
again, spankys refrigeration. Yeah,ag, spam keeps without refrigeration. Again,
Spam keeps without refrigeration. Again,spam keeps without refrigeration. Say what
is this? I've already said itfive times? Yeah? Now, and
I like to watch you say youlike to watch me? Say what?
Well, it's so cute to wadnature Addamsapple go up and down? Oh
(20:18):
crazy. I don't know what spamdoes in my adam Zapple, but I
certainly know what it will do toyour appetite and friends. I know that
you don't want to spend a lotof time in the kitchen these warm days.
But when Dad and the youngsters saywe're hungry, you've got to fill
them up. Now that's the timeto let spam sbam do the work.
Spam keeps without refrigeration, so it'salways ready for quick action. Just open
(20:42):
a can of this tender, grandtasting meat, slice and serve with sliced
tomato, cottage cheese, or anyone of your favorite summer salads. Men,
folks like the meaty flavor, thesatisfying goodness of spam, and you
like it because you don't have tocook spam. Just open the can and
it's already to eat, the perfectthing for hurry up meals. Get a
can or to when you shop tomorrow. Just ask for spam s P A
(21:06):
M. And try the easy recipeson the label. Then you'll know why
spam is America's perfect hot weather food. Slice it, dice it, wry,
bake it, call or hunt slam. It's this fun snories. That
(21:32):
was the grand job with mister medalLoock. You know, I love to
listen to harmony, and I usedto bring with the quartet. You know,
I when you sneeze, sneeze theother way. I don't know any
other way. You know. Iused to sing with the with the pee
Wee quartet, and I was Iwas now this might be your passionate now
(21:52):
remember everybody, and I'm your boss, so on your toes. I want
to impress him. Come in,Oh, mister yesternight, along, mister
fast Knight. Hello, George,Gracie, take mister pass Knight's happing coat?
Are you still looking? Just takeit, Gray Sha, just you
(22:17):
take it, George. I rushedright over, but I can't stay here
along. You see, I'm inmiddle of a new picture seven centers with
Marlane A d tries No. Iknow. I've been working very hard.
Nothing. I don't have to goback and probably be stuck with Marlaney Detrich
until three in the morning. Shouldhappen to me? And mister pass Knack?
Do you rash the actors too?I do all the seeds for him.
If it's a loft scene, Ido that too. You mean you
(22:37):
kiss? Oh? I kissed allthe movies stuck? Really? Oh?
Tell me? Is it a thrilledto kiss clock Abel Grace? Please?
Miss Allen? Who'd want to kissClode Gable? Should happen to me?
So, mister pash Knaight the comedyprobably your next picture is still open up?
(22:59):
Yes, George, That's why I'mhere as a matter of fact,
I had nothing but George Burns.George Burns for the last few weeks.
Really, who's been telling you aboutme? You have? Well, you're
not making any mistake, Adi Shaw. Do I get a lot of laughs
on this program? Yes, indeed, mister Pasternak, George has more talent
and his little finger than Benny Allenand Hope together. It says here,
(23:29):
mister Passnak, wasn't that a funnyline that Ali Shaw just pulled? I
wrote that joke? Quiet, Quiet, send your pastor knack. Mister Burns
has a large talent. Listening tohim singing has learned me a lot ley
It isn't learned you. It's torture. Torture, send your pastor knack and
listening to mister Burtons sing it's torturewell but much better. Well anyway,
(23:59):
mister Passnak, I'm not that Ineed the money, but I'd love to
make a picture for you. Iwas on the Universe a lot before.
I got a big kickout of OhYes, he got a big kick out
of Paraman, he got a kickout of the RKO, and you got
kicked out in here, mister Passnak. What's the plot of the picture.
Well, George, you know it'sa typical Hollywood story. Boy meets girl,
(24:21):
Girl meets boy. Girl meets girl, boy meets boy. They meet
at eight o'clock, they meet again. It too sounds like a lot of
meat. I put a lot ofmeat in there because I know this was
a spam program. Well, it'sreally nice of you to mention spam,
mister pass Knight. George, Ihave no fool. If the picture business
blows over, I might try radio. Oh well, what was you doing
(24:42):
radio? When April showers? Move? I see you too. Hut me
out of here, Let me outof here. Four years and sound man,
what's bothering you now? Joe Pasternak, picture producer who has a voice
like Donald Duck with a bad cold. There's a guest star on this program,
Burns, whose voice sounds like rippinga rag. Is the star of
(25:03):
this program. I won the NobelPrize prediction and this is what I do
for a living. Mister pass Knight, didn't you come up? They had
to sign a fellow for a comedyrole in the picture. Okay, George,
I'm ready. Well, let metake you into the control room and
then you can hear those big laughs. I get much better. Come on,
mister pass Knight, Now listen,everybody. George really wants this job.
(25:26):
And but once I think we oughtto help, sure, I need
to. Now I've heard him rehearsing. Those jokes are gonna tell and he
needs plenty of help. But I'vegot an idea. Bubbles. Yes,
Gracie, you staged back of George, and when he gets to the finish
of each joke, you dance arumber. But Gracie, I weigh three
hundred and fifty pounds. When Istart to shake people with laugh that's the
idea. Oh, I got it. That's wonderful, Gracie. Pastor Knack
(25:49):
will think they're laughing at George.George will get the job, and we'll
all live happily. Ever aften,well here comes George. Now, well
I'll get ready to run the bubble. Okay, Well, he's in bad
now for some funny stuff. Well, good evening, folks. On my
way at the studio tonight, Idropped into a department store and I said
to the floor walker, I wantto ask the salesgirl on the fifth floor
(26:12):
for a date. How do Iget up there? And he said escalator,
And I said escalator nothing, I'llesca right now to laugh. I
got him, I got him rollingout front. Say, folks, you
(26:37):
should meet my girl. She's reallya honey I call a knob because she's
something to a door. Oh boy, I a scream? Am I a
success hip parade? I don't getto do all? Right? Of course,
folks, my girl is very healthy. She's a little puny. You
(27:00):
know what a puny is. Apuny is a small horse. Imagine such
an old joke getting such a biglass. He's only thirty four. Who's
uh, who's only thirty four?Oh oh, let me do the talking.
Well, Joe, how did youlike it? It was terrific,
(27:22):
George, I never had such alaughs. I got a contract right here.
Really, you really meaning a contractfor me? No, for the
fat girl who did the funny dancewhile you were telling those broken down jokes.
Fat girl, Well you want afunny dance? Well that's a fine
thing. I give an audition andBubbles gets the job. Well, goodbye,
George. I'm leaving tonight on theTalon search. I'm going east to
(27:45):
get some new faces, new faces. But mister Passnak what about me.
Oh ye're mister Pasnack, get onefor George too. Is that before George
(28:07):
and Gracie say good night, theyasked me to suggest that you try spam
tomorrow. Just open a can ofthis delicious meat. It's all ready to
eat, slice and serve in spamwichesor with your favorite summer salad. You'll
find everybody in your house likes themeaty flavor, the lip smacking goodness of
spam. Get a can or toat your food dealers. Try the easy
recipes on the label. You'll discoverthat with spam you save kitchen time and
(28:30):
serve wholesome food. Say good night. Oh wait, I promise say good
night to the detailed reat mealers who'llhold in neck convention in Saint Paul,
the detail reat mealer. Yes,you mean the retail meat dealers does make
a diffipe of with it. Nofob me from it. Good night,
Pauls. Good night. Listen againnext Monday night, same time. I'm
(29:00):
same station for George Burns and GracieAllen with Ardie Shaw and his orchestra and
the smoothies brought to you by Hormeland Spam. Until then, this is
but Houston, reminding you to rememberthat cold or hot spam hits the spot.
Have you tried Hormale chili concarney.You may think you don't like chili,
(29:22):
but chili con carney the way Hormelmakes it is different and everybody likes
it. Double your money back.If you don't like it, Try Hormale
Chili con carney tomorrow. This isthe National Broadcasting Company BO
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