October 22, 2023 • 29 mins
"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" was a hilarious and innovative radio comedy that followed the lives of a fictionalized version of the real-life married couple, George Burns and Gracie Allen. The show was known for its unique format, with George Burns serving as the straight man and Gracie Allen as the delightfully scatterbrained and absurdly funny wife.The core of the show's humor was Gracie's zany logic and her penchant for getting herself and George into comical situations. Her misunderstandings, malapropisms, and eccentric thinking were central to the show's charm. George, on the other hand, played the role of the calm and patient husband who often tried to explain Gracie's antics to others and navigate the chaos she created.The show featured recurring characters such as Blanche Morton (played by Bea Benaderet), Gracie's best friend and a fellow participant in the comedy, and Harry Morton (played by Hal March), Blanche's husband. The ensemble cast, along with George and Gracie, contributed to the show's comedic dynamics.Each episode typically revolved around a humorous situation or misunderstanding that Gracie would instigate, leading to a series of hilarious events and exchanges. The show was known for its quick-witted humor, clever wordplay, and impeccable timing."The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" enjoyed immense popularity during its radio run, and it later transitioned successfully to television in the 1950s. George Burns and Gracie Allen's on-screen chemistry and comedic talent made them beloved figures in American entertainment history, and their radio show remains an enduring classic in the world of comedy.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I loosing my friends, the HeinesHoney and Almond Cream programs, as little
Skipper in the please give this littlegirl bring George Burns and Heins Honey Gracie
(00:22):
Allen with Frank Parker, rainobl andhis orchestra, Truman Bradley speaking a hundred
million songs. That's right, youtalk, I go, thank you very
much. Hellow well, Grace,this is probably the biggest moment in your
(00:44):
career. Right after the broadcast,we're leaving for your convention. Oh yeah,
well, what do you think about? Well is the first place it's
surprising. Let's say, what's surprising. In the first place, the Brooklyn
Ties aren't fill. The train goesto Omaha in forty five. That's wonderful.
Wonderful used to take two days?Are you? Are you excited about
(01:08):
all? I'll say this morning,I was really excited that I took a
bath from the bathtub and eight breakfastin the breakfast room. What's so unusual
about that? I usually do,Jesse. You have to If all Maha
is listening in, I'd like totell them that I've got a headache and
I'm bringing her with me. Yeah, I'm going to good Incidentally, Ray,
(01:30):
you Oh rather, are you amusicians taking their wives with them?
No? Only their instruments, though, man, only their instruments. Oh
yeah, they'd be very lonely inOmaha without their instruments. You know.
Isn't even the fruit player taking yourspie? Oh please say graceful? Ye
got a present? Fire? OhRay, it's beautiful. Nothing that's a
(01:56):
little something to show your shoulders.What is it? I'm SETTI well?
Were it? Good health? Frank? And proveman? You all set to
goure. My bags are outside ofthe elevator. Yes, so mine,
mister vice president Frank, I'm notthe vice president. I don't know.
You look like a garner to me. Frank, Frank is almost as funny
(02:20):
as a temporary filling. Ain't itthe tooth? Ain't it? Let's say
I checked the trunks. The bagsare by the elevator. Racey got the
tickets. I still haven't too ifI didn't meet that man so right after
the brook man Man, and Idon't get excited, jag, you see,
I'm a standing Don't tell me youhaven't got the tickets. Look,
(02:42):
I gave you tickets for Salt LakeCity and Omar. Where are they,
well, Salt Lake City is inUtahn, Omaha's in Nebraska. Racy,
where are the tickets? Well,what happened was I was standing in sons
of the studio listening to two peopletalking like I always do when I'm minding
my own business. I know aman came over and he put his happiness
too, prays how often he's notinterested in the man's too paid? Oh
sure, it's no hair off yourhead? What happened? Oh? Well,
(03:07):
so he said, aren't you thatpretty little lady Allen and of Cossey?
Have you been? I'm gonna saidthat if you're elected president and I
you're going to alidge the Navy,And I said it lots the navy.
They can hardly get into those tighthouses. Now, where are the tickets?
I don't want to rusht Russia,George, but if you want to
(03:28):
make that train, we've got toleave this studio in twelve minutes. Where
are the tickets? I know that, I said, George, Well,
I have time to say goodbye tomy musicians before we leave. Goodbye to
you are musicians? I thought youwere taking them with you. Well,
no, they're wi is going tolet them go unless they take them along.
Well, that's simple that their whyis going on, But then the
musicians won't go over by Racy,where are the tickets, say George,
(03:51):
want of hair last? Yeah,look, I'm sureley going out of my
mind. You've got eleven minutes,George Gracy, where are those tickets?
Well, my little nesh you won'tneed a ticket. I packed him inside
my suitcase. Gracy, you packedhim inside the sue case. Well,
(04:11):
that's the only way I could closeit. While I pushed him the outside.
He pulls down from the inside righton the standing. But when I
left it, I left one ofhis hands sticking out. You left one
of his hands sticking Don'll tell youto carry the suitcasey. Who did you
give the tickets to the man whoin the studio? What did he look
like? He looked like he wantedthe ticket. Well, maybe he's still
(04:33):
there. I'm going to go outin front of for them losing those tickets.
Gracie has certainly got mess in aterrible mess. Yes, well,
all of my kangaroo's in a terriblemess too. Your kangaroo. Yeah,
they won't let me take her onthe train. But Gracie, we can't
go to your convention without her.She's your surprise party emblem. Why didn't
you box her and put her inthe baggage car. Well, we tried
to, but she boxed like that. She's a boxing kangaroo, you know.
(04:55):
Oh that's all awful. She knockedout the baggage man was one bloe.
Oh where did she hit him inthe kaboot? What are we gonna
do? Well, don't worry,I've got it all fixed, Bubbles,
just got to meet it at thestation. And she's got my kangaroo that's
got like a woman. No,yes, with a hat, veil and
long black coat and everything is hertail covered? Yeah, but only for
(05:17):
fire and fat. And you guyswould have to help me get him on
the train. Did you say shewas a boxing kangaroo. Let Rooman do
it. No, let Frank doit. Now, Wait a minute,
boys, I got an idea.Let's get George to do it. Yeah,
and we'll tell him it's my auntClara, and he'll be glad to
help an old lady, especially whenshe kicks him in the face. I
(05:42):
couldn't find a man with a ticket, Say George, why do you want
my aunt Clara phone that she's goingto Omaha with um uh huh. That's
a long hop for an old lady. Oh, well, she won't mind
her. She's been hopping around theyears. What about the tickets, Jodge,
Well, you help my aunt clownon the train. You can count
me out. We probably will.Yeah, way Karl on the trail,
(06:06):
all right on help you'll love AuntClara, o man, you'll get a
big bang out of her, allright, So I'll get a bang out
of her. Right in the kaboocracy? How could you give a strange
man the tickets to right and seethe broadcast? Well? Why give him
the railroad tickets? I didn't herethey are? You mean you had the
railroad shore? And why did youlet me worry like this? Oh?
(06:28):
I thought you were worrying about gettinginto the broadcast. And I'll sing that
big hand Lotion special of nineteen fortyHaines's autograph special the big dollar size of
hand toney and almond cream for onlyforty nine cents. Think of it,
Heine's dollar size bottle less than halfprice. This is the first time Haines
has ever made this nationwide offer.That big family size Hines is always an
(06:51):
economical buy. Out a dollar,but now it's twice as good a buy.
You save over fifty cents, youget over twice the quantity for your
money, and in addition, youget a Gracie Allen autograph right on the
bottle and it's detachable. This Heine'sAutograph Special is being featured right in your
own neighborhood. So go to wina toilet goods counter and ask for Heine's
Autograph Special, the big dollar sizefor only forty nine cents. Stock up
(07:13):
now for the whole family so thatyou'll have plenty of fragrant, creamy Hinds
on hand to soothe chapped hands,tender faces, and sunburned skins. This
Heines's Autograph Special is two that abargain to miss, especially since it's Hinds,
the extra creamy, extra softening lotionthat's famous for softer, smoother hands.
Oh here is Frank Parker Hi's TrueNight I'm going to sing Cold Port
(07:35):
is outstanding number Begin to begin,when they begin begin, it brings back
the sal a music coat man,It brings a tropical clam. It brings
(07:57):
a free I'm with you once moreonto the snow and down by chore and
orchestra, slave, and even apon seemed to be played when they begin
(08:22):
by leave it again, except whenthat blotted my arm and he we are
wearing to la, however, andpromising love love What moments divide? What
(08:52):
raptist loves him along with his firstjoy? We had paid, And now
when I did, people hind thefast and was way I know, but
wor what they mean the beginning,worrying it was none the by remain more
(09:26):
let him sleep black and dead tohigh. I only refer they mean why
a beginning make them very me more, only more, and we suddenly all
(10:03):
what heaven weary worthy hobby. Comeon, everybody, let's get into the
(10:35):
cab. Go away from me.Say do you think coming? And I
can squeeze in this cab? Ididn't know you two tags? Quiet kidding?
Drive you in your station? Okay, think I'm going Descroy give that
eight minutes, George step on adriver. Oh don't forget God, God
(10:56):
couldn't pay. Okay, you knowshe's a I can never saw so mind.
Yes he's a bit jumpy. Ohdon't worry. I know how to
take care of old ladies. I'mtry, you know, yes, Tonish
a picture? What picture? Hop? A long passidy? Say? Driver?
Are you sure this is the waythe Union station? All? I'll
have to turn around. I thoughtyou said, Bureau of Immigration. Bureau
(11:22):
of Immigration? Do I look likean immigrant? You're wide up for a
crack? Brother? Oh? River, georgeouldn't mind o me in the window?
Why? Ray? I want tolook inside the cab? Work inside
the cab? Or where are youstanding out here on the running boad?
This cab hasn't got a running boy, really, well, don't tell the
(11:43):
driver he felt terribly in here.How long you have to study it become
a members? You've got seven minutes, George, driver, are we getting
near the Union station? Oh?I missed it again. I thought you
people wanted to see the birth ofa nation. Get going, get going,
(12:07):
big judge. Are you sure you'venever seen my lawn, Clara,
I've never seen. Oh, wellyou can't miss it. She has on
one of those bustles. Well whatdoes it look like? Well, oh,
it's a long tail. Well thenyou can tell me some of it.
H Oh, she's beautiful, George, beautiful eyes, beautiful teeth,
beautiful nose. And boy, whatleaps? What leaps plowd Your aunt Clara
(12:31):
leaps. No, No, she'ssleep sleep. She creep? What kind
of sheep in a sleep? Imean she lifts, that's what she does.
Oh, she has an impediment.Yeah, but she said you did
in for bui. I wonder howlong a pressure can live without brain.
You've got six minutes, George.Ride? But are you sure this is
(12:52):
the way the Union station? Oh? I bet you. People despise me.
I thought you said Rooney's plantations deepcold? Why would I say Rooney's
plantations fashion? Oh? Nuts?All right? Pull over there, pull
(13:15):
over there. We weren't doing anything, officer, I know, And why
did you stop us? I've launchome, Well, I'll pull you up sometimes.
Go ahead, drivers, we judge. Have you got all my plantain
speeches that I'm going to make onthe stiff. I've got to ride here
on my cold, so don't losethem. I've got sandwiches wrapped up in
them, sandwiches, Yes, withcheese sandwiches. Can you How can you
(13:39):
make a speech while they're reading asquish cheese sandwich? Oh? I can
talk through the whole. Why canI think of those things? I've got
an apple for you Judge, drivea step on a five? Do you
like apple setters? Quiet? Quiet, George, can you keep a secret?
Yes? Those sandwiches in your pockethave mayonnaise in them. Mayonnaise.
How do you know? Jeff leakedout? Ray? Will you cut it
(14:01):
out? You've got a whole lifetimeto make a fool of yourself. You've
only got five minutes, George,subscriber. You're going the wrong way again.
Oh, I'll just hate myself inthe morning. Sorry, sorry,
Hey, George. If you've nevermet Aunt Clara, you've got a kick
coming a kick? Yeah? Inthe kabooboo? What's this kaboo? Well,
(14:26):
kaboos call nephew's names, mate,Yes, of course we only call
him Kaboo's the shot. His wholename is nim kamboo. Must be a
smart kiss. Well he was bornwith a gray hair, with a gray
hair, yeah, a lot ofgray hair. Just one nephew was born
with gray hair. A very oldfamily, from a very old script.
(14:52):
Now now what's she stopping for?Hey, maymi, maymy holding up to?
I'm driving these people to the unionstation and they don't know where it
is. We don't know where itis, hinds honey, and almond pray.
People. What's that? It's thebest hand lotion that money can buy.
(15:13):
It makes rough, red, hand, soft, smooth and white.
Tell you didn't get that any totallygoods counter in ten twenty five dollars sizes.
That's what it is. Oh boy, you know where don't you?
Why? Certainly? Why are yourunning? Come on drive? Step on
it? Did you have the carpetyere? No, it's running pretty good.
(15:33):
They're going to the Union station.We have Come on, stop,
you'll never get to the Union station. Oh yes, we will, and
then you'll need my ant clawed badway. You know. The people next
sure of my aunt's house once putout the twenty focent to shut out her
(15:54):
view with your ant saw. Yeah, but she could open just two more
blocks and with a that's why notwith a traffic Hey, you with a
big nose. Didn't you see meput up my hands? No, didn't
any of you see me? Darnthat somebody pays any attention to me?
(17:03):
Something that there you in specific Calenge, living on track fire philas Vegas College,
(18:57):
then the Chicago. But we finallymade it. Yes, I'm going
to get a magazine in Truman.Yes, will you run over to the
information guest and explain to Bubbles thatGeorge is going to take care of my
answer. Sure, I got it, I'll explain everything. Good. What
is it, miss, I've beena copy of the radio guide. Please.
Here you are, oh my witha pretty girl on the cover.
(19:19):
She looks familiar. Now, oh, I know I met her someplace.
Miss. That happens to be GracieAllen. Oh huh, what's she got
that I haven't got? That wasa double picture and they left me out
of it. Whatever happened to myface? Yeah, whatever happened to it?
Looks like you're still on it.Say clerk, yes, sir,
(19:40):
give me this week a life,a pick and a look. Say George,
do you want to click? Yes, I'll stop saying it'ight, mister
Havens. Here are your magazine,sir, Thanks, I say, what's
your sewing? Me? Some cigarettesfor the boys in my band Camels owned
the drummer, the rest of themusicians living on trackball for South Carolina,
(20:03):
the corn of South Bend down,south of the border. Down, I've
caught everybody. We better go.Oh the bubbles, Bubbles were pulling in
on but oh hello bubbles. Well, Gracie, I've got your Aunt Clara
standing over there with trumans. Say, bubbles, you've got on too much
(20:26):
mascara, mass Kara, this isa black eye. A black eye.
I was dancing with an Clara andshe hit me in the eye with her
buscles, with her bustle, andboy does she swingers. Wait, my
goodness, Grace, don't tell methat's your aunt Clara over there. Yes,
why she been google like that?Well? Uh, well, you
(20:48):
see, she used to be acontotionist and she was in the middle of
her axe when boardbulle went out.Well, she certainly looks funny. Oh,
here they are, hello, Andy, Here, Gracie, you take
have you? Aunt Clara? What'swhat's it? Oh? Aunt Tarah,
this is John. Say maybe it'ssomething she ATE's something wrong? Well,
(21:12):
and she's got a cold. Ohshe's a little horse. Huh no,
but you're getting pretty warm, brother. She sounds like she used to be
with Jeff Fields. John, Shecan't that, Tara, How do you
(21:34):
do? Aunt Clara? Pretty?Both my hands, she's very strong,
she ought to be for years.She's been punching her bag. My hand
feels like a hamburger. You knowwhat makes her jump up and down like
(21:55):
that? Why does the old boyshe was born a bouncing baby go and
she never got over it? Well, come on, Clara, I'll put
you on the train. And Clara'soff the front. Then like a second,
where can I come up? Wegotta get on the crane. They
(22:15):
boggles, so I can ever seemy kangaroo act this way before? Are
you sure you're satter? She ain'ta half a bailer? Hey? Did
you like it? Like it?She ain't my half too? Well,
we get started, we'll ready togo. Say where's George? Oh,
Judge is on the train. Idon't lie on the train. George is
(22:37):
off the train. Say George,George, are you hurt? Only on
the caboose? Well that was aswell joke. And Clara, why that's
the kangaroo? Somebody told you?Oh, come on, everybody, let's
get on the train. Hey whatcorrect me on? Oh? Well,
(22:57):
let's tells you gotta help me putLaura. Gotta help me put that kangaroo
on another. Okay, I thoughtshe had a Laura. Yeah, but
have baby sleeping in that? Ohcome on, boys, don't help me.
Okay, Well there she is,get a hold of a Truman.
Okay, Oh, well she knockedout Truman. Grab her, Frank,
I got her. Oh she knockedout Frank. Come here, Laura,
(23:21):
Oh she knocked out George alone?Not your help out that by said,
this is the first time you andI have ever been alone. Oh,
I know. Did you ever thinkof having a husband or around? Well,
that's part of my life. Ihave to not talk about. Why
(23:45):
does he a new quarrel? Now? What's he killed? Now? He
married Carol? I'm back, Hey, did you ever think of getting married?
Yes? But I only make twentydollars a week. Well back enough,
week passes very quickly when you're inlove. You know, my drummers
are very lucky. Man. Whywhen he's got a wife and a cigarette
(24:07):
lights when they both work? It'sthe first rob and I've heard this spring
ray. Do you mind if Imove a little closer to you? I
wish you would this time of night, I always get a little chillier when
the train stops, and tasted init. We'll get a bowl with no
(24:30):
with you. So, Gracie,I know a joke about Spanish food.
Tell it and I kind of doit. I love Spanish food. Would
you like a yeah, but let'sbeat face. I say, Gracie,
I'd like to whisper something in yourear? What is it? Potatoes?
(24:51):
An our twelve bon? Oh?Nay? I whisper something in your ear?
What sell you? I think?Ye? Do you like big weddings
or a little one? Well,without big ratings, you can't half little
one. Are you going to bemarried this spring? Then here's a tip
(25:12):
that will help your wedding day bea perfect one. Indeed, start using
Hein's Honey and Almond Cream right now. Then when he slips the ring over
your finger, your hands will looksmooth, lovely and feel thrilling to his
touch. For Heine's Honey and AlmondCream is extra creamy, extra softening and
contains two vitamins AMD. Faithful dailyuse of Heinz helps keep your hands smooth
and pretty in spite of rough,chapping household jobs. And right now is
(25:34):
your opportunity to starck up on Heine'sHoney Almond Cream at an astonishing saving.
Go to the nearest Tarlet Goods counterand ask for Hein's Autograph special the big
dollar size Heiness Honey Almond Cream foronly forty nine cents. Now just think
you save more than half price onthis dollar size Hind. This offer is
good for a limited time only,so get your Hines Autograph Special now while
(25:56):
the getting's good. The big dollarsize Hines for only forty nine cents.
Remember too, with this family sizeHines you also get a grassy alanatograph.
It's right on the buttle and it'sdetachable. Ask for Hines Autograph Special tonight
and use your hands faithfully to giveyou soft honeymoon hands. Now, Grace,
you are saying, April, playthe fiddles. Listen to what happened
(26:19):
to me. Hepe to play thefiddle and began to them, and I
was so surprised to find my ownlongman apel play the siddle, sandah Man,
the rise the dune. Later ona dream and island things to the
(26:40):
moon. Then they began to goffy, and you just want to lie.
And you should have seen the knowingall expression on July fays to play the
fiddle. A but he's a funnypart. I had to play the fiddle
with my was an only ar Iused to think about. Ball was not
(27:04):
my sail until lasting I heard athirtain music in and to play the fiddle,
a lot of steady baby dance hotdid you were time? It was
until the first of steps apel playthe fiddle, themat slips and cap,
(27:27):
and the days were dancing by intothe mall in months of October, let
November, December, coming home,And when Jane said, came marching in,
I knew the jig was off.Aper plays a fiddle. But here's
the funny part. I had toplay the fiddle with my m and old
(27:53):
sleech hot is that that takes yourchoice? Use Hind hand cream or Hind
lotion, or treat yourself to both. The new Hinds hand cream comes in
smart red and white jars and costsonly ten cents and thirty nine cents each
at any toilet Goods County. Likethe lotion, Hind's hand cream is a
quick softener. Try it. Willyou thank you? Wow? Gracious?
(28:15):
Secod night? Oh well, goodnight and for job you want to hear
it? Cream? Yeah, goodnight? All thank Next Wednesday, over
these same stations, George and Graceand all of us will be back again.
Don't forget and don't forget for honeymoonhands. It's Hind honey and almond
(28:37):
cream. This is Woman Radley sayinggood night. This song April plays the
pedal is from the new show IfI Had My Way. This is the
Columbia brodcasting system. The high schoolstage is so positi
I loosing my friends, the HeinesHoney and Almond Cream programs, as little
Skipper in the please give this littlegirl bring George Burns and Heins Honey Gracie
(00:22):
Allen with Frank Parker, rainobl andhis orchestra, Truman Bradley speaking a hundred
million songs. That's right, youtalk, I go, thank you very
much. Hellow well, Grace,this is probably the biggest moment in your
(00:44):
career. Right after the broadcast,we're leaving for your convention. Oh yeah,
well, what do you think about? Well is the first place it's
surprising. Let's say, what's surprising. In the first place, the Brooklyn
Ties aren't fill. The train goesto Omaha in forty five. That's wonderful.
Wonderful used to take two days?Are you? Are you excited about
(01:08):
all? I'll say this morning,I was really excited that I took a
bath from the bathtub and eight breakfastin the breakfast room. What's so unusual
about that? I usually do,Jesse. You have to If all Maha
is listening in, I'd like totell them that I've got a headache and
I'm bringing her with me. Yeah, I'm going to good Incidentally, Ray,
(01:30):
you Oh rather, are you amusicians taking their wives with them?
No? Only their instruments, though, man, only their instruments. Oh
yeah, they'd be very lonely inOmaha without their instruments. You know.
Isn't even the fruit player taking yourspie? Oh please say graceful? Ye
got a present? Fire? OhRay, it's beautiful. Nothing that's a
(01:56):
little something to show your shoulders.What is it? I'm SETTI well?
Were it? Good health? Frank? And proveman? You all set to
goure. My bags are outside ofthe elevator. Yes, so mine,
mister vice president Frank, I'm notthe vice president. I don't know.
You look like a garner to me. Frank, Frank is almost as funny
(02:20):
as a temporary filling. Ain't itthe tooth? Ain't it? Let's say
I checked the trunks. The bagsare by the elevator. Racey got the
tickets. I still haven't too ifI didn't meet that man so right after
the brook man Man, and Idon't get excited, jag, you see,
I'm a standing Don't tell me youhaven't got the tickets. Look,
(02:42):
I gave you tickets for Salt LakeCity and Omar. Where are they,
well, Salt Lake City is inUtahn, Omaha's in Nebraska. Racy,
where are the tickets? Well,what happened was I was standing in sons
of the studio listening to two peopletalking like I always do when I'm minding
my own business. I know aman came over and he put his happiness
too, prays how often he's notinterested in the man's too paid? Oh
sure, it's no hair off yourhead? What happened? Oh? Well,
(03:07):
so he said, aren't you thatpretty little lady Allen and of Cossey?
Have you been? I'm gonna saidthat if you're elected president and I
you're going to alidge the Navy,And I said it lots the navy.
They can hardly get into those tighthouses. Now, where are the tickets?
I don't want to rusht Russia,George, but if you want to
(03:28):
make that train, we've got toleave this studio in twelve minutes. Where
are the tickets? I know that, I said, George, Well,
I have time to say goodbye tomy musicians before we leave. Goodbye to
you are musicians? I thought youwere taking them with you. Well,
no, they're wi is going tolet them go unless they take them along.
Well, that's simple that their whyis going on, But then the
musicians won't go over by Racy,where are the tickets, say George,
(03:51):
want of hair last? Yeah,look, I'm sureley going out of my
mind. You've got eleven minutes,George Gracy, where are those tickets?
Well, my little nesh you won'tneed a ticket. I packed him inside
my suitcase. Gracy, you packedhim inside the sue case. Well,
(04:11):
that's the only way I could closeit. While I pushed him the outside.
He pulls down from the inside righton the standing. But when I
left it, I left one ofhis hands sticking out. You left one
of his hands sticking Don'll tell youto carry the suitcasey. Who did you
give the tickets to the man whoin the studio? What did he look
like? He looked like he wantedthe ticket. Well, maybe he's still
(04:33):
there. I'm going to go outin front of for them losing those tickets.
Gracie has certainly got mess in aterrible mess. Yes, well,
all of my kangaroo's in a terriblemess too. Your kangaroo. Yeah,
they won't let me take her onthe train. But Gracie, we can't
go to your convention without her.She's your surprise party emblem. Why didn't
you box her and put her inthe baggage car. Well, we tried
to, but she boxed like that. She's a boxing kangaroo, you know.
(04:55):
Oh that's all awful. She knockedout the baggage man was one bloe.
Oh where did she hit him inthe kaboot? What are we gonna
do? Well, don't worry,I've got it all fixed, Bubbles,
just got to meet it at thestation. And she's got my kangaroo that's
got like a woman. No,yes, with a hat, veil and
long black coat and everything is hertail covered? Yeah, but only for
(05:17):
fire and fat. And you guyswould have to help me get him on
the train. Did you say shewas a boxing kangaroo. Let Rooman do
it. No, let Frank doit. Now, Wait a minute,
boys, I got an idea.Let's get George to do it. Yeah,
and we'll tell him it's my auntClara, and he'll be glad to
help an old lady, especially whenshe kicks him in the face. I
(05:42):
couldn't find a man with a ticket, Say George, why do you want
my aunt Clara phone that she's goingto Omaha with um uh huh. That's
a long hop for an old lady. Oh, well, she won't mind
her. She's been hopping around theyears. What about the tickets, Jodge,
Well, you help my aunt clownon the train. You can count
me out. We probably will.Yeah, way Karl on the trail,
(06:06):
all right on help you'll love AuntClara, o man, you'll get a
big bang out of her, allright, So I'll get a bang out
of her. Right in the kaboocracy? How could you give a strange
man the tickets to right and seethe broadcast? Well? Why give him
the railroad tickets? I didn't herethey are? You mean you had the
railroad shore? And why did youlet me worry like this? Oh?
(06:28):
I thought you were worrying about gettinginto the broadcast. And I'll sing that
big hand Lotion special of nineteen fortyHaines's autograph special the big dollar size of
hand toney and almond cream for onlyforty nine cents. Think of it,
Heine's dollar size bottle less than halfprice. This is the first time Haines
has ever made this nationwide offer.That big family size Hines is always an
(06:51):
economical buy. Out a dollar,but now it's twice as good a buy.
You save over fifty cents, youget over twice the quantity for your
money, and in addition, youget a Gracie Allen autograph right on the
bottle and it's detachable. This Heine'sAutograph Special is being featured right in your
own neighborhood. So go to wina toilet goods counter and ask for Heine's
Autograph Special, the big dollar sizefor only forty nine cents. Stock up
(07:13):
now for the whole family so thatyou'll have plenty of fragrant, creamy Hinds
on hand to soothe chapped hands,tender faces, and sunburned skins. This
Heines's Autograph Special is two that abargain to miss, especially since it's Hinds,
the extra creamy, extra softening lotionthat's famous for softer, smoother hands.
Oh here is Frank Parker Hi's TrueNight I'm going to sing Cold Port
(07:35):
is outstanding number Begin to begin,when they begin begin, it brings back
the sal a music coat man,It brings a tropical clam. It brings
(07:57):
a free I'm with you once moreonto the snow and down by chore and
orchestra, slave, and even apon seemed to be played when they begin
(08:22):
by leave it again, except whenthat blotted my arm and he we are
wearing to la, however, andpromising love love What moments divide? What
(08:52):
raptist loves him along with his firstjoy? We had paid, And now
when I did, people hind thefast and was way I know, but
wor what they mean the beginning,worrying it was none the by remain more
(09:26):
let him sleep black and dead tohigh. I only refer they mean why
a beginning make them very me more, only more, and we suddenly all
(10:03):
what heaven weary worthy hobby. Comeon, everybody, let's get into the
(10:35):
cab. Go away from me.Say do you think coming? And I
can squeeze in this cab? Ididn't know you two tags? Quiet kidding?
Drive you in your station? Okay, think I'm going Descroy give that
eight minutes, George step on adriver. Oh don't forget God, God
(10:56):
couldn't pay. Okay, you knowshe's a I can never saw so mind.
Yes he's a bit jumpy. Ohdon't worry. I know how to
take care of old ladies. I'mtry, you know, yes, Tonish
a picture? What picture? Hop? A long passidy? Say? Driver?
Are you sure this is the waythe Union station? All? I'll
have to turn around. I thoughtyou said, Bureau of Immigration. Bureau
(11:22):
of Immigration? Do I look likean immigrant? You're wide up for a
crack? Brother? Oh? River, georgeouldn't mind o me in the window?
Why? Ray? I want tolook inside the cab? Work inside
the cab? Or where are youstanding out here on the running boad?
This cab hasn't got a running boy, really, well, don't tell the
(11:43):
driver he felt terribly in here.How long you have to study it become
a members? You've got seven minutes, George, driver, are we getting
near the Union station? Oh?I missed it again. I thought you
people wanted to see the birth ofa nation. Get going, get going,
(12:07):
big judge. Are you sure you'venever seen my lawn, Clara,
I've never seen. Oh, wellyou can't miss it. She has on
one of those bustles. Well whatdoes it look like? Well, oh,
it's a long tail. Well thenyou can tell me some of it.
H Oh, she's beautiful, George, beautiful eyes, beautiful teeth,
beautiful nose. And boy, whatleaps? What leaps plowd Your aunt Clara
(12:31):
leaps. No, No, she'ssleep sleep. She creep? What kind
of sheep in a sleep? Imean she lifts, that's what she does.
Oh, she has an impediment.Yeah, but she said you did
in for bui. I wonder howlong a pressure can live without brain.
You've got six minutes, George.Ride? But are you sure this is
(12:52):
the way the Union station? Oh? I bet you. People despise me.
I thought you said Rooney's plantations deepcold? Why would I say Rooney's
plantations fashion? Oh? Nuts?All right? Pull over there, pull
(13:15):
over there. We weren't doing anything, officer, I know, And why
did you stop us? I've launchome, Well, I'll pull you up sometimes.
Go ahead, drivers, we judge. Have you got all my plantain
speeches that I'm going to make onthe stiff. I've got to ride here
on my cold, so don't losethem. I've got sandwiches wrapped up in
them, sandwiches, Yes, withcheese sandwiches. Can you How can you
(13:39):
make a speech while they're reading asquish cheese sandwich? Oh? I can
talk through the whole. Why canI think of those things? I've got
an apple for you Judge, drivea step on a five? Do you
like apple setters? Quiet? Quiet, George, can you keep a secret?
Yes? Those sandwiches in your pockethave mayonnaise in them. Mayonnaise.
How do you know? Jeff leakedout? Ray? Will you cut it
(14:01):
out? You've got a whole lifetimeto make a fool of yourself. You've
only got five minutes, George,subscriber. You're going the wrong way again.
Oh, I'll just hate myself inthe morning. Sorry, sorry,
Hey, George. If you've nevermet Aunt Clara, you've got a kick
coming a kick? Yeah? Inthe kabooboo? What's this kaboo? Well,
(14:26):
kaboos call nephew's names, mate,Yes, of course we only call
him Kaboo's the shot. His wholename is nim kamboo. Must be a
smart kiss. Well he was bornwith a gray hair, with a gray
hair, yeah, a lot ofgray hair. Just one nephew was born
with gray hair. A very oldfamily, from a very old script.
(14:52):
Now now what's she stopping for?Hey, maymi, maymy holding up to?
I'm driving these people to the unionstation and they don't know where it
is. We don't know where itis, hinds honey, and almond pray.
People. What's that? It's thebest hand lotion that money can buy.
(15:13):
It makes rough, red, hand, soft, smooth and white.
Tell you didn't get that any totallygoods counter in ten twenty five dollars sizes.
That's what it is. Oh boy, you know where don't you?
Why? Certainly? Why are yourunning? Come on drive? Step on
it? Did you have the carpetyere? No, it's running pretty good.
(15:33):
They're going to the Union station.We have Come on, stop,
you'll never get to the Union station. Oh yes, we will, and
then you'll need my ant clawed badway. You know. The people next
sure of my aunt's house once putout the twenty focent to shut out her
(15:54):
view with your ant saw. Yeah, but she could open just two more
blocks and with a that's why notwith a traffic Hey, you with a
big nose. Didn't you see meput up my hands? No, didn't
any of you see me? Darnthat somebody pays any attention to me?
(17:03):
Something that there you in specific Calenge, living on track fire philas Vegas College,
(18:57):
then the Chicago. But we finallymade it. Yes, I'm going
to get a magazine in Truman.Yes, will you run over to the
information guest and explain to Bubbles thatGeorge is going to take care of my
answer. Sure, I got it, I'll explain everything. Good. What
is it, miss, I've beena copy of the radio guide. Please.
Here you are, oh my witha pretty girl on the cover.
(19:19):
She looks familiar. Now, oh, I know I met her someplace.
Miss. That happens to be GracieAllen. Oh huh, what's she got
that I haven't got? That wasa double picture and they left me out
of it. Whatever happened to myface? Yeah, whatever happened to it?
Looks like you're still on it.Say clerk, yes, sir,
(19:40):
give me this week a life,a pick and a look. Say George,
do you want to click? Yes, I'll stop saying it'ight, mister
Havens. Here are your magazine,sir, Thanks, I say, what's
your sewing? Me? Some cigarettesfor the boys in my band Camels owned
the drummer, the rest of themusicians living on trackball for South Carolina,
(20:03):
the corn of South Bend down,south of the border. Down, I've
caught everybody. We better go.Oh the bubbles, Bubbles were pulling in
on but oh hello bubbles. Well, Gracie, I've got your Aunt Clara
standing over there with trumans. Say, bubbles, you've got on too much
(20:26):
mascara, mass Kara, this isa black eye. A black eye.
I was dancing with an Clara andshe hit me in the eye with her
buscles, with her bustle, andboy does she swingers. Wait, my
goodness, Grace, don't tell methat's your aunt Clara over there. Yes,
why she been google like that?Well? Uh, well, you
(20:48):
see, she used to be acontotionist and she was in the middle of
her axe when boardbulle went out.Well, she certainly looks funny. Oh,
here they are, hello, Andy, Here, Gracie, you take
have you? Aunt Clara? What'swhat's it? Oh? Aunt Tarah,
this is John. Say maybe it'ssomething she ATE's something wrong? Well,
(21:12):
and she's got a cold. Ohshe's a little horse. Huh no,
but you're getting pretty warm, brother. She sounds like she used to be
with Jeff Fields. John, Shecan't that, Tara, How do you
(21:34):
do? Aunt Clara? Pretty?Both my hands, she's very strong,
she ought to be for years.She's been punching her bag. My hand
feels like a hamburger. You knowwhat makes her jump up and down like
(21:55):
that? Why does the old boyshe was born a bouncing baby go and
she never got over it? Well, come on, Clara, I'll put
you on the train. And Clara'soff the front. Then like a second,
where can I come up? Wegotta get on the crane. They
(22:15):
boggles, so I can ever seemy kangaroo act this way before? Are
you sure you're satter? She ain'ta half a bailer? Hey? Did
you like it? Like it?She ain't my half too? Well,
we get started, we'll ready togo. Say where's George? Oh,
Judge is on the train. Idon't lie on the train. George is
(22:37):
off the train. Say George,George, are you hurt? Only on
the caboose? Well that was aswell joke. And Clara, why that's
the kangaroo? Somebody told you?Oh, come on, everybody, let's
get on the train. Hey whatcorrect me on? Oh? Well,
(22:57):
let's tells you gotta help me putLaura. Gotta help me put that kangaroo
on another. Okay, I thoughtshe had a Laura. Yeah, but
have baby sleeping in that? Ohcome on, boys, don't help me.
Okay, Well there she is,get a hold of a Truman.
Okay, Oh, well she knockedout Truman. Grab her, Frank,
I got her. Oh she knockedout Frank. Come here, Laura,
(23:21):
Oh she knocked out George alone?Not your help out that by said,
this is the first time you andI have ever been alone. Oh,
I know. Did you ever thinkof having a husband or around? Well,
that's part of my life. Ihave to not talk about. Why
(23:45):
does he a new quarrel? Now? What's he killed? Now? He
married Carol? I'm back, Hey, did you ever think of getting married?
Yes? But I only make twentydollars a week. Well back enough,
week passes very quickly when you're inlove. You know, my drummers
are very lucky. Man. Whywhen he's got a wife and a cigarette
(24:07):
lights when they both work? It'sthe first rob and I've heard this spring
ray. Do you mind if Imove a little closer to you? I
wish you would this time of night, I always get a little chillier when
the train stops, and tasted init. We'll get a bowl with no
(24:30):
with you. So, Gracie,I know a joke about Spanish food.
Tell it and I kind of doit. I love Spanish food. Would
you like a yeah, but let'sbeat face. I say, Gracie,
I'd like to whisper something in yourear? What is it? Potatoes?
(24:51):
An our twelve bon? Oh?Nay? I whisper something in your ear?
What sell you? I think?Ye? Do you like big weddings
or a little one? Well,without big ratings, you can't half little
one. Are you going to bemarried this spring? Then here's a tip
(25:12):
that will help your wedding day bea perfect one. Indeed, start using
Hein's Honey and Almond Cream right now. Then when he slips the ring over
your finger, your hands will looksmooth, lovely and feel thrilling to his
touch. For Heine's Honey and AlmondCream is extra creamy, extra softening and
contains two vitamins AMD. Faithful dailyuse of Heinz helps keep your hands smooth
and pretty in spite of rough,chapping household jobs. And right now is
(25:34):
your opportunity to starck up on Heine'sHoney Almond Cream at an astonishing saving.
Go to the nearest Tarlet Goods counterand ask for Hein's Autograph special the big
dollar size Heiness Honey Almond Cream foronly forty nine cents. Now just think
you save more than half price onthis dollar size Hind. This offer is
good for a limited time only,so get your Hines Autograph Special now while
(25:56):
the getting's good. The big dollarsize Hines for only forty nine cents.
Remember too, with this family sizeHines you also get a grassy alanatograph.
It's right on the buttle and it'sdetachable. Ask for Hines Autograph Special tonight
and use your hands faithfully to giveyou soft honeymoon hands. Now, Grace,
you are saying, April, playthe fiddles. Listen to what happened
(26:19):
to me. Hepe to play thefiddle and began to them, and I
was so surprised to find my ownlongman apel play the siddle, sandah Man,
the rise the dune. Later ona dream and island things to the
(26:40):
moon. Then they began to goffy, and you just want to lie.
And you should have seen the knowingall expression on July fays to play the
fiddle. A but he's a funnypart. I had to play the fiddle
with my was an only ar Iused to think about. Ball was not
(27:04):
my sail until lasting I heard athirtain music in and to play the fiddle,
a lot of steady baby dance hotdid you were time? It was
until the first of steps apel playthe fiddle, themat slips and cap,
(27:27):
and the days were dancing by intothe mall in months of October, let
November, December, coming home,And when Jane said, came marching in,
I knew the jig was off.Aper plays a fiddle. But here's
the funny part. I had toplay the fiddle with my m and old
(27:53):
sleech hot is that that takes yourchoice? Use Hind hand cream or Hind
lotion, or treat yourself to both. The new Hinds hand cream comes in
smart red and white jars and costsonly ten cents and thirty nine cents each
at any toilet Goods County. Likethe lotion, Hind's hand cream is a
quick softener. Try it. Willyou thank you? Wow? Gracious?
(28:15):
Secod night? Oh well, goodnight and for job you want to hear
it? Cream? Yeah, goodnight? All thank Next Wednesday, over
these same stations, George and Graceand all of us will be back again.
Don't forget and don't forget for honeymoonhands. It's Hind honey and almond
(28:37):
cream. This is Woman Radley sayinggood night. This song April plays the
pedal is from the new show IfI Had My Way. This is the
Columbia brodcasting system. The high schoolstage is so positi
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.