The Burns and Allen Show : Government Jobs

"The Burns and Allen Show" began on radio in 1932 and continued for many years, becoming one of the most popular and enduring comedy shows of its time. The show primarily revolved around the comedic interactions between real-life married couple George Burns and Gracie Allen. Gracie played a zany and scatterbrained character, while George played the straight man trying to make sense of her antics.Their radio show was known for its witty humor and wordplay, often featuring humorous misunderstandings and absurd situations. The show's catchphrase was often Gracie's exclamation of "Say goodnight, Gracie," which became a famous sign-off line.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Elosition. My friends the Hines Honeyand Almond Cream program rolling George Burns and
Gracie Allen with Braig Parker, layNoble and his arcust flam Truman gladly speaking,

(00:24):
and now for those two friendly hands, George Burns and Hines Honey,
Gracie Allen help, thank you verymuch. Hello, Hello, Gracie.
Coming down to the studio to night. I saw a big brand is saying
both for Gracie all over town.I see billboards saying put Gracie in the
White Home. You It's in thenewsreels, it's in the papers. Signs

(00:46):
right here on the states saying sendGracie to Washington. What does this mean?
Well, Geudge, I Litian hada secret. I'm running for president.
You're you're running, You're running compression. Yeah, I see how long
has this been going on? Twohundred and fifty years? George Washington started
it? Gracie. Why are yourunning for president? Well, because that's

(01:07):
the only way you can get tothe White House. You can't just walk
in and sit down. The ideais preposterous. I am Not only that,
but it pays good money. Rook, you don't stand a chance.
Presidents are born. Well, whatdo you think I was hatched? There's
nobody who would be any happier aboutyour success than I'd be. But in

(01:29):
the entire history of the United States, there's never been a woman president.
Yeah, he's made exciting. I'llbe the first one. What I tell
you, Hello, George, Hello, Gracie. Hell thank I tell you
haven't got a chinaman's chance. Well, I don't know about that. Confusion
day Lady who has I on presidentialchair? Pretty soon get seat on it?
And George Byrne saye. Girl whotalked nutty Wednesday made good nut Sunday.

(01:53):
That's good. How do you likethat? Joe Frank Egyptian monument?
Egyptian monument Sphinx? It does,Gracie, have you any idea what a
what a person has to be beforethey can become president? Sure, elected
the whole thing. Oh, stopworrying, George. I may not even

(02:15):
be elected until next November. Well, let's load off my mind. I
might not even be in the WhiteHouse before in nineteen forty one. In
other words, you, what doyou mean you're better than in? Well,
if I was in now, i'dhave to be getting out next January.
You the president of the United Statesand Mexico. And Mexico. Sure,

(02:36):
it's just across the border from California, so it'll be easy for them
to vote for me. What aboutCanada, there'll be a landslide. You
know this may be a shock toyou, but there are some places that
don't belong to the United States.What how many votes are there in Glendale?
Anyway? For president, it takesa person with tremendous stamina, a

(02:57):
person with unusual ability and sound judgment, a mental English. Thanks. The
president has to have courage and showplenty of backbone. So plenty of backbone.
Will you see my new evening?There still doesn't make you a leader
of men. You have to haveplenty of followers. Will evening the quiet?
The president must have the termination.He must let people see what he's

(03:19):
made of. Say, Gracie,when you're elected president, you want to
change the income tax laws so allstars are allowed the same deduction rank in
this country, everybody's allowed the samedeductions. Oh yeah, look what Sally
Rand is allowed to take off eachyear? Why I get mixed up on
these things? Well, thanks helpingme in my campaign. And it will
be a tremendous success. Yeah.You see, every day I have to

(03:43):
go out and kiss a lot ofbaby and thank goes along with me to
kiss the mother. Yeah he does. Yeah, Oh, yes, boy,
And I'm a terrific speaker. WhyI address five hundred mothers this afternoon?
Why did you say, get inline? There? Kid? He's
getting lined. Now, listen tome, Gracie. This thing has got
to stop it for it goes toofar, say George, didn't you know
that Gracie was running for president?All right? I knew it, but

(04:05):
I didn't think she were serious.Certainly she's serious, so or Dowean Gardner.
Yeah, but don't weam Ghana?I have political affiliation. Well maybe
that's because of an vaccinated You don'tunderstand. Have you got a Republican or
a Democratic machine in back of you? Yeah? That's the best though.
Well, I knew what looks good? Glad? I asked, isn't it
exciting? George, isn't what exciting? Well? If Gracie gets in,

(04:27):
it will be the first time thata woman president has ever been elected for
a third term. A third term? Oh yes, yeah, Oh,
she's done a splendid job. Imean, you show me in the other
country where you can get a doubledeck on ice cream cone for a nickel.
Ray, I've got a surprise foryou. Gracie hasn't done her friston
second term yet. You've got amixed up with Roosevelt. Oh no,
I haven't. Roosevelt lives in theWhite House in Washington and Gracie lives in

(04:47):
the Yellow House in Beverley Hills.I know, right sometime I'm gonna have
you psychoanalyze. Oh. Thanks,just the same, George. But I've
already taken out my first papers.Well, welcome to our country. That's
the silliest thing I ever heard him, me thinking the photographers are ready now
to take those campaign pictures. Ohoh well, now, don't go away,
boys, I'll be back down now. Listen to me, fellas,

(05:08):
stop worrying, George. Gracey's promisedto give us all swell government jobs government.
Josh, sure, are you saplingup the pall for that? Truman?
Set up? Just a minute,George, that's no way to speak
to a Supreme Court justice. SupremeCourt Justice Truman, do you actually believe
us? Think, George, I'llbe the only ambassador's a great Britain who
ever played a violin. Gracie toldyou that she would make you Ambassador Great

(05:32):
Britain. Yes, oh, Ihad my choice of that or Secretary of
the Navy. I say, butyou didn't want to be Secretary of the
Navy. No, I look sosilly in a sailor suit. This whole
thing is ridiculous. Why did youpromise to make you frank Secretary of the
Treasury. Well, she wanted tojudge. But I'm too smart to tumble
for anything like that. Well,I'm glad that somebody left on this program

(05:53):
with some sense. I'm the newpostmaster General. Postmaster General? Sure an
economy experience? What experience of yourhead? I want to play post office?
Go away. When you see thepicture I had taken, I'm not
impressed in any picture. We hitit to a broad. Say, you
know that the Democrats have a donkeyand the Republicans have an elephant. What

(06:14):
have you got a squirrel? Oh? I wish I'd thought of that,
But I posed with a kangaroo.A kangaroo, Well, it'll make a
wonderful campaign picture. It was amamma kangaroo and a little baby kangaroo was
sticking his head out of the pouch. And it's got to be kangaroo sticking
his head out of the pot.Yes, and it's got to be my
election slogan. Watch Hogan, it'sin the bag woman, dare as any

(06:40):
man ever said to you, darling, I love you forever, he says
forever. But in your secret heartyou know it means forever as long as
you keep yourself attractive. So byall means help your hands keep their smooth
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single ingredient in Hins lotion is goodfor rough or tender skin, whether it's

(07:00):
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(07:25):
Hines is a honey. It's soextra creamy, extra softening that every drop
brings real soothing comfort to tender skin. Hins honey and almond cream contains two
vitamins two A and D. Youcan count on hines hi n d s
for softer, smoother, lovelier skinon hands, face and body. Now
Here is Frank Parker, thanks formy song to night I've chosen yours is

(07:50):
my heart alone by thrown's lay heart. Oh lord, I'm without you,
lifefas look fun your every fo myown. I love the fiend. Every

(08:18):
dread makes lcy when wine, whenis in your heart line the sun of
your mind. There is no soulparts for sweet as your voice whispering high

(08:48):
Lord you when far away on hearingyou in dream nicy and heal you and
heeling to your passing lation. Ikneel to you and I had al rahundee

(09:09):
alone aly hoard type on you.My adord depis on the crowd yours in
my heart alond and without you lifehas a can your every far old.

(09:43):
I'm not the bevery read make mightyone mind and in your heart, oh
mine, where is more soul?Set see your voice whispering, I Lord,

(10:22):
my dear raul raul Frank, thatwas well, Ah, You're just
saying that because I'm the post Messageneral. Oh star, Frank, I
just tend to tell them to mycampaign chairman in the Middle West. Oh

(10:43):
good. He told me he couldn'tget any support from the farmbel so what
so I told him to wear suspended. What happens at the county seat has
to pass upon. Oh George,you're just trying to say that to make
me say fully thinks so people willlaugh at me. That's better the grace
gracely, what's going to be thename of your party? Well, Truman,
you've heard of the Democratic Party andthe Republican Party. Yes, well,

(11:07):
mine's going to be the Surprise Party. But what's the surprise party?
Surprise? That's you are the alI sees for school, you for usual
in operating, writing, arithmetic forpain, R for oysters are in season,
and I the night for an Iand that's for some fun and eve

(11:28):
the pencils the pencils ever shop,Well that old the pencil and how you
look at all? Say the SurpriseParty is a swell name, I think.
How'd you happen to call it that? Gracy? Well, my daddy

(11:48):
is a Democrat and my mother isa Republican. And when I was fun,
I was a surprise. So wasthe panic of Miteen hundred and seventh
Gracy. Yes, double, youknow those temporary campaign headquarters we opened out
Broadway this morning. Yes, well, I'm afraid you'll have to move them.
Why there's a street car coming.Oh, Gracie, just tell the

(12:09):
street car. Believe it or not, you're waiting could be president. Oh,
Gracie, I'm working on your campaignsong. You've got a campaign song?
Oh? Is it starts like it. I'll be down to get you
with the taxpayers money that'll be readyby to hap as saying what do you
say? Oh, by the way, Gracie, even though those pictures in

(12:30):
Life magazine, or that Republican candidatecatching that big mackerel at Miami, yeah,
well I just found out that he'sjust caught it again in Lake Michigan.
Ray. The whole thing was doneto get books. No, really,
what's the fish running for? Becauseit's because it doesn't want to get
caught. This tell them. Didyou see this morning's papers? No,
don't begin it my lunch, yourlunch, jo, this is my publicity

(12:56):
man jee, how do well?I'll run along now. But don't forget
to sell them. You're jumping outof that plane in the morning. You're
jumping out of a plane in themorning, totally ten thousand feet. It's
just to exact attention so liable willget too. For sure. That looked
all the publicity again, Gracy,will you stop this going on? A

(13:16):
signed pain or other slogans ready foryour campaign signs? Oh well, I'll
make up a few right now.Bubble gettencil okay. Number one, Confucius
says Gracey Allen for prayers. Oh, that's wonderful. I started. Number
two, Gracey Allen for all TheermanGracey Allen for Allderman again, and all

(13:39):
the men for Gracey Allen. That'swonderful. Yes, and baking powder for
bruns. Number three, Oh well, that's might say, okay, and
number three we'll make one sign withnothing on it, a sign with nothing.

(14:00):
I'm sure. Did you have tonet this vote? That's Wonderfracie.
Why don't you have a doctor examineyour head and if he finds anything,
have somebody examined the doctor. Wellthat'd be a good idea for me too,
Yes, do that, you know, I think this will make an
auflo jolly sighing, Gracie. Ifyou're twenty one, vote for Gracie album.
If you're not twenty one, haveyour mother do it for you.
If your mother wasn't twenty one,ask your father. If your father isn't

(14:22):
twenty one, then don't bother readingthe sun. Oh I like that.
That's good. Shining painter get overhere. But that's wonderful. All right,
mister Boynes. But you'll hear fromme when I'm Attorney general at least,
Gracie, if you are elected,I'll get rid of it for four
years, twelve years, twelve years. I'm not the decision start thirteen,

(14:43):
you're not. Do people realize thatwhite Nawah sponsor is probably listening? Oh?
Why I say bubbles? I happento see a drawing of you on
the Republican Foster. Quite flattering too. Who drew that, mister noble?
That was an elephant? It's amazing. What will they teach them to do
the next? Cherry all? Ohcheery? Yeah, you know, Gracie,
I've been worrying about the speeches.You're going to make it your rallies.

(15:05):
Have your rallies, yes, haveyour rally Well? Why do you
hand a speech is true, andthen you'll have something to worry about.
I'm serious, George. You see, Gracie, a presidential candidate has to
shake hands with millions of people ifwe don't know what's coming. Why in
a single campaign, the average candidateshakes enough hands to milk all the cows
in the company. And what dothey do with all the milk? They

(15:28):
use it to whitewash their opponents thejudge. Is it true that the whitewash
didn't have to finish it? Sayso, your rallies, Gracie, I
can protect you. You see,before each meeting, I can tell the
voters how hinds, honey and almondcream will make their hands soft and make
their hands white and make their handssmooth. Well, what if they're going
to that true hands, then theycan use a small bottle. If they'll

(15:50):
only use a twenty five cent bottlewhile you're speaking, Gracie, their hands
will be thrilling to touch and goodtill the last drop. True. When
you're thinking of Maxwell House coffee,Oh pardon, hello, hello, miss
Allen. Well they said I couldn'tdo it. Well, I couldn't get
anywhere here in Los Angeles, SoI flew right to Sacramento. I couldn't
get the first base there, sowithout food or sleep, I went on

(16:11):
to Jefferson City, Missouri. Fromthere to Springsfield, Illinois, on into
Albany, New York City, andthen to Washington, DC, and I
clicked night here it is? Whatthis back home? I've got to give
him out at my convention. Whilethese are three dollars a dozen this allem,
and they're a steel okay, fellme that here's a horn that the

(16:36):
Republicans and Democrats are using. Ofcourse this is very hard to blow.
Oh well, they have more windthan we have, but not between the
years. And why is this convention? Came the comic the way you're gonna
hold it every Lando. Come on, come on, d gobble, sit

(19:19):
down and take a letter? Allright now, it's a letter and partner.
Can I leave my gloves on?Well, Racy, you better talk
quietly? She uses a soft pencil. Oh, letter, Frank, what's
today's date? Elsie Edna couldn't makeit, February twenty eight. All right,
I'm ready all good to all otherpresidential candidates semicon, United States of

(19:42):
America period, gentleman, question markgentleman, question mark, I've got it.
Well, boys, the jig isup. Well, it's a nice
opening. Election day will be inNovember this year. Turkeys will cost you
thirty eight cents a pound, Chris. Those will be fifty tenter' bucket.
Plum footings will be two dollars each. But a good president won't cost you

(20:04):
a nickel. Stubby shouldn't go outand vote for me. You're asking the
other presidential candidates to vote for you. I'm sure there's so many presidential candidates
that if I only get half ofthem to vote for me, I'm bound
to be elected. I see whatyou mean. Go ahead continue. This
letter is being dictated by a lady, typewritten by a lady, so don't

(20:26):
forget to take your hats off whileyou reading it. I've got it all
right, Signed Gracie Alan, Presidentof the United States, and mailed out
right away. Gracie, you're notpresident yet, well I will be by
the time this letter is delivered.Some writ up and bubbles make the fifty
thousand copies which candidate yeah, Ithought so is Bubbles, address the arm

(20:47):
bloats and girlish handwriting market personnel andsend it to their homes. I want
their wives to root it too.Fifty thousand copies. Well, it's a
nice hunk of postage to throw away. What do you mean postage? Alanicition
the corners of the envelopes and theywon't need stamps. Frank, will you
believe this for a minute, Iforgot that you are Postmaster general. Well
that's life, I guess, Iguess, Allen. The reporters are here.

(21:10):
Oh, oh well, turning inthe reporters this way, gentlemen,
Miss Allen, I'm Harry Crocker orThe Examiner, Matt Winstock, Daily News,
Racy Sean, Los Angeles Time,Gracie. Why you're shaking hands with
your left hand, I'm saying mywife has to ghand Preston, I'll,
miss Allen. My newspaper wants toknow just what your platform is. Well,

(21:32):
it's not a pine tin with oapeninlaid with California beat. That's the
match your head? Yeah, Ithought so, Yes, Miss Allen.
What would be the first thing youwould do if you were elected? I
put my daddy in the Senate.Your daddy doesn't know anything about the Senate.
Oh yeah, he's the making speechesfrom the floor for years. He's
still on the floor. I'll betthat's my daddy. Miss Allen, My

(21:56):
city editor wants to know what youropinion is on capitalism versus a little man.
Oh, I know, I nevergo to wrestling matches. Are you
in favor of monopolies? Oh?Well, why don't play monopoly? I
like my John dam What do youthink of the neutrality bill? Well,
if we owe and let's play it, Bracy, why don't you call this

(22:18):
all you know? You know nothingabout it. You haven't said one thing
that's right. Well, I'd ratherbe president than right boys, that's no.
You was trying to interview off LesterBurns. Will you stopped balling her
up? A balling her? MissAllen? All the other candidates are talking
on how to bring back prosperity.Now, what's your pa? Doesn't even
know what prosperity is? I dotoo. Prosperity is when business is good

(22:38):
enough so that you can buy thethings on credit that you can't afford anyway.
And that's why you can say,have enough money to pay cash for
new things after they've taken back thethings you've got on creditor. How are
you doing boys? Miss Allen,would you recognize Russia? Well, that's

(22:59):
how you say. You see,I'm so many people don't have to meet
them all on this program, don'tyou. What do you think of the
British blockade? Oh we'll get by. Well, look, I say George,
I don't mind being referred to asBritish, but I do object to
being called a blockade. Boys,this is rain oble. Hello, he
looks like a pipe cleaner. Ionce threw away. Now that's possible.

(23:23):
Where did you throw me? Cheerio, Oh, cheery, cheery, Miss
Allen. What do you think ofour national debt? Well, we ought
to be proud of it. Ifthe biggest in the world. Boys,
either go ahead or just go sothat we can do our broadcast blott yeah,
quiet, oh, miss Allen.How would you keep our gold reserve
from shrinking? Well, i'd Washingtonrock Truman. Maybe you can get these

(23:48):
guys out. I've heard George say, boys, I've got a bottle in
my overcoat. Bottles right high andsunny almond cream blanks. Truman, you're
too late, Truman. I gavethat bottle of my girl. She's got
a couple of chaps. I'm tryingto get rid of expect boys. This
is Frank Parker, the post MasterGeneral. He ought to be swell.
He's got a face like an oldstyle one cent stamp. It's a nice
tale for your pinky. Thanks now, Miss Allen, just a few more

(24:11):
questions. Is there any boys?I get through? Not yet, mister
Burns, But don't feel it.You have to stick around on our account,
Alice. At the end, I'mgonna call up the sponsor and explain
the whole thing to him. I'mgonna lose my job. Come on,
boys, let's finish the interview operator. Get me long distance the line,
Miss Ellen. Is there anything bymister Burns? Is calling the sponsor?
Hey, this noble guy looks veryfamiliar. Mister noble, didn't I want

(24:33):
to see you in Yonkers? Idon't think so. I haven't won a
pair of yonkers in the years.Get me, mister marburn of the Hindes.
Honey, I queen a company andwe are the lion. Miss Allen,
Is there anything that you can actuallypromise the voters? Oh? Shure,
I can promise voters that if Ican't find a way to reduce the
high cost of living, then we'lljust have to do without it. Here's

(24:57):
your party. Hello, mister Marburn, it's George Burns speaking. Well.
I just want to call you upand tell you that I have nothing to
do with Grace. She's running forpresident. I've been trying to do a
broadcast and all she's been doing isgiving away political jobs. Quiet, let
me get through talking. It's ridiculous, mister Marburn. Making an orchest leader,
an ambassador, making a tenor ofpostmaster General, and making an announcer

(25:18):
of Supreme Court justice. It's notmy doings. And I just want to
tell you that I'm not going tostand for it. Just a minute,
mister Burns, don't raise your voiceto the Secretary of State. Secretary of
State. And here's a bit ofhandy advice. Children love playing in the

(25:45):
snow, but you know how thatcold wind and freezing slush can chaft their
hands and knees. They come indoorswith cheeks as red as apples, looking
so healthy and lovable. But thefirst thing you know, their tender skin
feels so uncomfortable, and their littlehands are red and chapped. You feel
possibly sorry for them. Now,it's easy to help guard against chapping in
the first place. Train your youngstersto cream their hands and faces with Pines

(26:07):
before going out in the cold.Hines honey in almond cream is extra creamy,
extra softening helps keep skin smooth andcomfortable. Put a bottle of Hines
in the coat closet ready to smoothon hands and faces and knees. Children
love Hines. It's so nice andfragrant, not sticky either, just feel
so grand and soothing. You canget Hines honey in almond cream at Turtley
Goods counters in ten twenty five fiftycent sizes or the big economy dollar size

(26:33):
for family use. And now Graciewill sing Chula Chihuahua sing Alvacalian. I'll
never forget alvacalias. Well a boarda little toy boy, your boy Boba,

(27:00):
He is my trid and enjoy howI want to from another bulava wa
my chi waba pople cup of sammos. Everywhere when I'm walking my chiwawa,
all the dogs are jos because thesongers keep paring my chi wa wa.
So he is in much protection.That's financial their affection for me. Dddd

(27:26):
he goes whoo, whoop on woo. What are you talk you talk Whoo
whoo whoo time you may hip callit. I love you need some to
GoF im a my kipo love walkto blow wa. If you love me,
there is only wanting to don't getit cho wa wa walk it away

(27:49):
if nipparay chlach waa wa woo wowo wo wo to love to go y
comments see the company that comes tosingey and my wad the tonic of the

(28:10):
two tan with me in my chadlowall Girls of nooblecabin Wing are jealous of
me and my chewalla. But Iprefer him to Wiscotti. Coffee's just a
little naughty. I'm glad he's nota terry eppy coffee makes live marry.
He's better than aesthetic. Cocke's sucha great go ghetta. He's falls on
a poodle. He knows how tohe is noodles. I wonder now you

(28:45):
can enjoy both hands lotion in bottlesand Hinds hand cream in jars. Those
smart red and white jars contain thefluffiest, creamiest hand cream Hinds could make.
Like the famous Hinds lotion, thenew Hinds hand cream is quick softening
for chaplains. It comes in twosizes, ten cents and thirty nine cents
a job, Thanks Drama all Grace'ssecond nine well no wait, first time
wo effect do Corum for his lovelywire endorsing my campaign. Good second night,

(29:08):
Well, good night. I'll seein the White House a good night.
Next Wednesday, at the same time, over these same stations, George
and Grace and all the rest ofus will give back again. Don't forget,
and don't forget for honeymoon hands,It's tis honey and almond cream.
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.