Phantasmagoria

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
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I B R I v O X dot org. Phantasmagoria

(00:23):
by Lewis Carroll Kanto one the Trysting One winter night,
at half past nine, Cold, tired and cross and muddy,
I had come home too late to dine, and supper
with cigars and wine was waiting in the study. There
was a strangeness in the room, and something white and

(00:44):
wavy was standing near me in the gloom. I took
it for the carpet broom left by that careless slavey.
But presently the thing began to shiver and to sneeze,
on which I said, come, come, my man, that a
most inconsiderate plan less noise there, if you please, I've

(01:05):
caught a cold. The thing replies out there upon the landing.
I I turned to look in some surprise, and there
before my very eyes a little ghost was standing. He
trembled when he caught my eye, and got behind a chair.
How came you here? I said? And why I never
saw a thing so shy? Come out. Don't shiver there,

(01:28):
he said, I'll gladly tell you how and also tell
you why. But here, he gave a little bow. You're
in so bad a temper now you think it all
a lie. And as to being in a fright, allow
me to remark that ghosts have just as good a
right in every way to fear the light as men
fear the dark. No, please, said, I can well excuse

(01:52):
such cowardice in you, for ghosts can visit when they choose,
whereas we humans can't refuse to grant the interview, he said.
A flutter of alarm is not unnatural, is it. I
only feared you really meant some harm. But now I
see that you are calm. Let me explain my visit

(02:12):
houses are classed, I beg to state according to the
number of ghosts that they accommodate. The tenant merely counts
as weight with coals and other lumber. This is a
one ghost house. And you, when you arrived last summer,
may have remarked a spectra, who was doing all that
ghosts can do to welcome the newcomer in villas. This

(02:34):
is always done, however cheaply rented for though, of course
there's less fun when there is only room for one.
Ghosts have to be contented that Spectra left you on
the third. Since then you've not been haunted, for as
he never sent us word. Twas quite an accident. We
heard that anyone was wanted. A spectra has first choice

(02:58):
by right in filling up a va can see, then phantom, goblin,
elf in sprite. If all of these fail them, they
invite the nicest gould that they can see. The specter
said the place was low, and that you kept bad wine,
So as a phantom had to go, and I was first.
Of course, you know I couldn't well decline, no doubt,

(03:20):
said I. They settled on who was fittest to be sent.
Yet still to choose a brat like you to haunt
a man of forty two was no great compliment. I'm
not so young, sir, he replied, as you might think.
The fact is in caverns by the water side and
other places that I've tried. I've had a lot of practice,

(03:42):
but I have never taken yet a strict domestic part.
And in my flurry, I forget the five good rules
of etiquette we have to know by heart. My sympathies
were warming fast towards the little fellow. He was so
utterly aghast at having found a man at last, and
looked so scared and yellow. At least, I said, I

(04:03):
am glad to find a ghost is not a dumb thing.
But pray, sit down. You'll feel inclined if, like myself,
you have not dined to take a snack of something,
though certainly you don't appear a thing to offer food to.
And then I shall be glad to hear if you
will say them loud and clear, the rules that you
allude to, thanks, you shall hear them by and by.

(04:27):
This is a piece of luck. What may I offer you?
Said I, Well, since you are so kind, i'll try
a little bit of duck, one slice, and may I
ask you for another drop of gravy. I sat and
looked at him in awe, for certainly I never saw
a thing so white and wavy, And still he seemed

(04:47):
to grow more white, more vapory, and wavier. Seen in
the dim and flickering lighted he as he proceeded to
recite his maxims of behavior Canto too, his five rules
my first. But don't suppose, he said, I'm setting you.

(05:11):
A riddle is, if your victim is in bed, don't
touch the curtains at his head, but take them in
the middle and wave them slowly in and out, while
drawing them asunder. And in a minute's time, no doubt
he'll raise his head and look about with eyes of
wrath and wonder. And here you must, on no pretense,

(05:32):
make the first observation. Wait for the victim to commence.
No ghost of any common sense begins a conversation. If
he should say, how came you here? The way you begin, sir.
In such case, your course is clear on the bat's back,
my little dear, is the appropriate answer. If after this

(05:53):
he says no more, you'd best perhaps curtail your exertions,
go and shake the door. And then and then, if
he begins to snore, you'll know the thing's a failure.
By day. If he should walk alone at home or
on a walk, you merely give a hollow groan to
indicate the kind of tone in which you mean to talk.
But if you find him with his friends, the thing

(06:16):
is rather harder. In such a case, success depends on
picking up some candle, ends or butter in the larder.
With this you make a kind of slide. It answers
best with sweet on which you must contrive to glide
and swing yourself from side to side one learns how
to do it. The second tells us what is right

(06:39):
in ceremonious calls. First, burn a candle or crimson, light
a thing I quite forgot to night. Then scratch the
door or walls. I said, you'll visit here no more.
If you attempt the guy, I'll have no bonfires on
my floor. And as for scratching at the door, I'd
like to see you try. The third was written to

(07:05):
protect the interest of the victim and tells us, as
I recollect, to treat him with grave respect, and not
to contradict him. That's plain, said I, as tear and
tret to any comprehension. I only wish some ghost I've
met would not so constantly forget the maxim that you mention.

(07:26):
Perhaps he said you first transgressed the laws of hospitality.
All ghost instinctively detest the man that fails to treat
his guest with proper cordiality. If you addressed a ghost
as thing, or strike him with a hatchet, he is
permitted by the king to drop all formal parleying, and

(07:49):
then you're sure to catch it. The fourth prohibits trespassing
where other ghosts recorded, and those convicted of the thing,
unless they're pardoned by the king, must instantly be slaughtered.
That simply means be cut up. Small ghosts soon unite anew.
The process scarcely hurts at all, no more than when

(08:10):
you're what you call cut up by a review. The
fifth is one you may prefer that I should quote entire.
The king must be addressed as sir. This from a
simple courtier is all the laws require. But should you
wish to do the thing without and out politeness, accost
him as my goblin king, and always use in answering

(08:34):
the phrase your royal whiteness. I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
after so much reciting, So if you don't object, my dear,
we'll try a glass of bitter beer. I think it
looks inviting. Kento three scarmiges, and did you really walk,

(08:55):
said I, on such a wretched knight. I've always fancied
ghost cold, if not exactly in the sky, yet at
a fairish height. It's very well said he for kings
to soar above the earth. But phantoms often find that wings,
like many other pleasant things, cost more than they are worth. Specters,

(09:16):
of course, are rich, and so can buy them from
the elves. But we prefer to keep below their stupid company,
you know, for any but themselves. For though they claim
to be exempt from pride, they treat a phantom as
if something quite beneath contempt, just as no turkey ever
dreamt of noticing a bantam. They seem too proud, said

(09:40):
I to go to houses such as mine, pray? How
did they contrive to know so quickly that the place
was low and that I kept bad wine? Inspector Cobald
came to you. The little ghosts began here I broke in, Inspector,
who inspecting ghost is something new? Explain yourself, my man.

(10:04):
His name is Cobald, said my guest, one of the
spectral order. You'll very often see him dressed in a
yellow gown, a crimson vest, and a nightcap with a border.
He tried the Brocken business. First, he caught a sort
of chill, so came to England to be nursed, and
here it took the form of thirst, which he complains

(10:26):
of still port wine, he says, when rich in sound
warms his bones like nectar, And as the inns where
it is found are his especial hunting ground, we call
him the inn spectra. I bore it, bore it like
a man, this agonizing witticism, And nothing could be sweeter

(10:47):
than my temper till the ghost began some most provoking criticism.
Cooks need not be indulged in waste, yet still you'd
better teach them dishes have some sort of taste. Pray,
why are all the cruets placed where nobody can reach them?
That man of yours will never earn his living as

(11:07):
a waiter? Is that queer thing is supposed to burn?
It's far too dismal a concern to call a moderator.
The duck was tender, but the peas were very much
too old. And just remember, if you please, the next
time you have toasted cheese, don't let them send it cold.
You'll find the bread improved, I think by getting better flour.

(11:30):
And have you anything to drink that looks a little
less like ink and isn't quite so sour? Then, peering
round with curious eyes, he muttered, goodness gracious, And so
went on to criticize your room's in inconvenient size. It's
neither snug nor spacious. That narrow window I expect serves

(11:52):
but to let the dusk in. But please, said I
to recollect twas fashioned by an architect who's pinned his
faith on ruskin. I don't care who he was, sir,
or on whom he pinned his faith, constructed by whatever law.
So poor a job I never saw, as I'm a
living wraith. What a remarkable cigar? How much are they

(12:15):
a dozen? I growled, No matter what they are, you're
getting as familiar as if you were my cousin. Now
that's a thing I will not stand, and so I
tell you flat aha, said he, We're getting grand, taking
a bottle in his hand. I'll soon arranged for that.
And here he took, careful ame and gaily cried, here goes.

(12:37):
I tried to dodge it as it came, but somehow
caught it all the same, exactly on my nose. And
I remember nothing more than I can clearly fix. Till
I was sitting on the floor repeating, two and five
are four, but five and two are six? What really passed?
I never learned nor guessed. I only know that when

(12:57):
at last my sense returned, lamp neglected, dimly burned. The
fire was getting low. Through driving mist I seemed to
see a thing that smirked and smiled, and found that
he was giving me a lesson in biography, as if
I were a child Canto four, His nurture, Oh, when

(13:19):
I was a little ghost. A merry time had we
each seated on his favorite post. We chumped and chawed
the buttered toast they gave us for our tea. That
story is in print, I cried, don't say it's not,
because it's known as well as Bradshaw's Guide. The ghost
uneasily replied, he hardly thought it was. It's not a

(13:40):
nursery rhymes, and yet I almost think it is. Three
little ghostesses were set on a postesses, you know, and
ate their buttered Toastesses. I have the book, so if
you doubt it, I turned to search theself. Don't stir,
he cried, We'll do without it. I now remember all.

(14:00):
I wrote the thing myself. It came out in a
monthly or at least my agent said it did some
literary swell. Who saw it seemed to think it adapted
for the magazine he edited. My father was a Brownie sir,
My mother was a fairy. The notion had occurred to
her that children would be happier if they were taught

(14:23):
to fary. The notion soon became a craze, and when
it once begun, she brought us all out in different ways.
One was a pixie, too were fays. Another was a banshee.
The fetch and Kelpie went to school and gave a
lot of trouble. Next came a poltergeist and ghoul, and
then two trolls which broke the rule, a goblin and

(14:45):
a double. If that's a snuff box on the shelf,
he added, with a yawn, I'll take a pinch. Next
came an elf, and then a phantom that's myself, and
last a leprechaun. One day some spectrum chanced the call,
dressed in the usual white. I stood and watched them
in the hall and couldn't make them out at all.

(15:07):
They seemed so strange a sight, I wondered what on
earth they were. They looked all head and sack. But
mother told me not to stare, and then she twitched
me by the hair and punched me in the back.
Since then, I've often wished that I had been a
specter born. But what's the use, he heaved a sigh. They
are ghost nobility, and on us they look with scorn.

(15:30):
My phantom life was soon begun. When I was barely six,
I went out with an older one, and just at
first I thought it was fun and learned a lot
of tricks. I've haunted dungeons, castles, towers, wherever I was sent.
I've often sat and howled for hours, drenched to the
skin with driving showers upon a battlement. It's quite old

(15:51):
fashioned now to groan when you speak. This is the
newest thing in tone. And here it chilled me to
the bone. He gave an awful squeak, perhaps, he added
to your ear, that sounds an easy thing. Try it yourself,
my little dear. It took me something like a year
with constant practicing. And when you've learned to squeak, my man,

(16:13):
and caught the double sob, you're pretty much where you began.
Just try and gibber if you can. That's something like
a job. I've tried it and can only say I'm
sure you couldn't do it, even if you practiced the
night and day, unless you have a turn that way
and natural ingenuity Shakespeare. I think it is who treats

(16:35):
of ghosts and days of old who gibbered in the
Roman streets dressed. If you recollect in sheets, they must
have found it cold. I've often spent ten pounds on
stuff in dressing as a double, but though it answers
as a puff, it never has effect enough to make
it worth The trouble. Long bills soon quenched the little

(16:56):
thirst I had for being funny. The setting up is
always worse. Such heaps of things you wanted first, one
must be made of money. For instance, take a haunted
tower with skull, cross bones and sheet blue lights to
burn say to an hour, condensing lens of extra power
and set of chains complete, What with the things you

(17:18):
have to hire, the fitting on the robe and testing
all the colored fire, the outfit of itself, attire, the
patience of a job. And then they're so fastidious, the
Haunted House committee. I've often known them to make a
fuss because a ghost was French or russ or even
from the city. Some dialects are objected to. For one,

(17:39):
the Irish brogue is. And then for all you have
to do one pound a week they offered you and
find yourself in bogies Kno. Five bickerment. Don't they consult
the victims, though I said they should by rights give
them a chance, because you know the tale lest the

(18:00):
people differ, so especially in sprites. The phantom shook his
head and smiled. Consult them not a bit. Twould be
a job to drive one while to satisfy one single
child there'd be no end to it. Of course, you
can't leave children free, said I, to pick and choose.
But in the case of men like me, I think

(18:22):
mine host might be fairly allowed to state his views.
He said, it really wouldn't pay. Folk are so full
of fancies. We visit for a single day, and whether
then we go or stay depends on the circumstances. And
though we don't consult mine host before the thing's arranged. Still,
if he often quits his post or is not a

(18:45):
well mannered ghost, then you can have him changed. But
if the hosts a man like you, I mean, a
man of sense. And if the house is not too new,
why what has that said I to do with a
ghost's convenience? A new house does not suit you know,
it's such a job to trim it. But after twenty

(19:05):
years or so the wainscoatings begin to go. So twenty
as the limit to trim was not a phrase I
could remember having heard. Perhaps, I said, you'll be so
good as to tell me what is understood exactly by
that word. It means the loosening all the doors, the
ghost replied and laughed. It means the drilling by scores

(19:28):
and all the skirting boards and floors to make a
thorough draft. You'll sometimes find that one or two are
all you really need to let the wind come listening through.
But here there'll be a lot to do, I faintly gasp. Indeed,
if I had been rather later, i'll be bound, I added,

(19:48):
trying most unsuccessfully to smile. You'd been busy all this
while trimming and beautifying? Why? No, said he. Perhaps I
should have stayed another minute, But still, no, ghost, that's
any good. Without any introduction, would have ventured to begin it.
The proper thing, as you were late, was certainly to go.

(20:10):
But with the roads in such a state, I got
the night mayor's leave to wait for half an hour
or so. Who's the night mayor, I cried, instead of
answering my question, Well, if you don't know that he said,
either you never go to bed, or you've a grand digestion.
He goes about and sits on folk that eat too

(20:30):
much at night. His duties are to pinch and poke
and squeeze them till they nearly choke. I said, it
serves them right. And folk who sup on things like these,
he muttered, eggs and bacon, lobster and duck and toasted cheese.
If they don't get an awful squeeze, I'm very much mistaken.
He is immensely fat, and so well suits the occupation.

(20:53):
In point of fact, if you must know, we used
to call him years ago the Mayor and Corporation. The
day he was elected mayor, I know that every sprite
meant to vote for me, but did not dare. He
was so frantic with despair and furious with excitement. When
it was over for a whim, he ran to tell

(21:13):
the King, and being the reverse of slim, a two
mile trot was not for him a very easy thing.
So to reward him for his run, as it was
baking hot and he was over twenty stone, the King
proceeded half in fun to night him on the spot.
Twas a great liberty to take I fired up like

(21:35):
a rocket. He did it just for punning's sake. The
man says, Johnson that would make a pun, would pick
a pocket. A man said, he is not a king.
I argued for a while, and did my best to
prove the thing, the phantom merely listening with a contemptuous smile.
At last, when breath and patience spent, I had recourse

(21:58):
to smoking. Your aim, he said, is excellent. But when
you call it an argument, of course you're only joking.
Stung by his cold and snaky eye, I roused myself
at length to say, at least I do defy the
veriest skeptic to deny that union is strength. That's true enough,

(22:19):
said he. Yet stay I listened in all weakness. Union
is strength. I'm bound to say, in fact things as
clear as day. But onions are a weakness. Kent, who
sex discomfiture as one who strives a hill to climb,
who never climbed before, who finds it in a little time,

(22:42):
grow every moment less sublime, and votes the thing abore, Yet,
having once begun to try, dares not desert his quest.
But climbing ever, keeps his eye on one small hut
against the sky, wherein he hopes to rest. Who climbs
till nerve and force are spent with many a puff
and pand who still as rises the ascent and language

(23:05):
grows more violent, although in breath more scanned, who climbing
gains at length the place that crowns the upward track, and,
entering with unsteady pace, receives a buffet in the face
that lands him on his back and feels himself like
one in sleep, glides swiftly down again, a helpless weight,

(23:26):
from steep to steep, till with a headlong giddy sweep
he drops upon the plain. So I that had resolved
to bring conviction to a ghost, and found it quite
a different thing from any human arguing, yet dared not
quit my post, but keeping still the end in view
to which I hoped come, I strove to prove the

(23:48):
matter true by putting everything I knew into an axiom,
commencing every single phrase with Therefore, or because I blindly
reeled a hundred ways about the syllogistic maze unconscious where
I was quoth he that's a regular clap trap. Don't
bluster her any more? Now, do be cool an take

(24:10):
a nap, Such a ridiculous old chap was never seen before.
You're like a man I used to meet who got
one day so furious in arguing the simple heat scorched
both his slippers off his feet. I said, that's very curious.
Well it is curious, I agree, and sounds perhaps like FIBs.

(24:31):
But still it's true as true can be. As sure.
Your name is TIBs, said he. I said, my name's
not Tibbs. Not Tibbs, he cried. His tone became a
shader too less hearty. Why no, said I. My proper
name is Tibbets, Tibbitts, I the same. Why then you're

(24:54):
not the party with that? He struck the board, a
blow that shivered half the glasses. Why cant you have
told me so three quarters of an hour ago? You
prints of all the asses, to walk four miles through
mud and rain, to spend the night in smoking, and
then to find that it's in vain, and I've to
do it all again. It's really too provoking. Don't talk,

(25:15):
he cried, as I began to mutter some excuse. Who
can have patience with a man that's got no more
discretion than an idiotic goose to keep me waiting here.
Instead of telling me at once that this was not
the house, he said, there, that'll do. Be off to bed.
Don't gape like that, you dunce. It's very fine to
throw the blame on me in such a fashion. Why

(25:37):
didn't you inquire my name the very minute that you came,
I answered, in a passion. Of course, it worries you
a bit to come so far on foot. But how's
I to blame for it? Well, well, said he, I
must admit that isn't badly put. And certainly you've given
me the best of wine and victual. Excuse my violence,
said he, But accidents like this, you see, they put

(26:00):
one out a little twas my fault, after all, I
find shake hands, Old turn up Top. The name was
hardly to my mind, but as no doubt he meant
it kind. I'd let the matter drop. Good night, Old
turnip Top, good night. When I am gone, perhaps they'll
send you some inferior sprite who'll keep you in some
constant fright and spoil your sound as naps. Tell him

(26:22):
you'll stand no sort of trick than if he leaves
in chuckles. You'll just be handy with a stick mine.
That's pretty hard and thick, and wrap him on the knuckles,
then carelessly remark old, coon, perhaps you're not aware that
if you don't behave, you'll soon be chuckling to another tune.
So you'd best take care. That's the right way to
cure a sprite of such like goings on. But gracious me,

(26:46):
it's getting light. Good night, old, turn up top, good night, nod,
And he was gone Canto seven sad souvenants. What's this?
I pondered, Have I slept or can I have been drinking?
But soon a gentler feeling crept upon me, and I
sat and wept an hour or so, like winking. No

(27:06):
need for Bones to hurry, so I sobbed. In fact,
I doubt if it was worth his while to go.
And who is Tibbs? I'd like to know to make
such work about. If Tibbs is anything like me, it's possible,
I said, he won't be over pleased to be dropped
in upon at half past three, after each snug in bed.
And if Bones plagues him anyhow, squeaking in all the

(27:29):
rest of it, and he was doing here just now,
I prophesy they'll be a row and tibbs will have
the best of it. Then, as my tears could never
bring the friendly phantom back, it seemed to me the
proper thing to mix another glass and sing the following
k coronat and art Thou gone, beloved, goest best of familiars. Nay,

(27:52):
then farewell my duckling rose, Farewell, farewell might tea and
toast my mersham and cigars. The hues of life are
dull and gray, the sweets of life insipid. When thou,
my charmer, art away old brick, or rather, let me
say old parallela piped instead of singing verse the third,
I ceased abruptly. Rather, but after such a splendid word,

(28:16):
I felt that if it would be absurd to try
it any farther. So with a yawn, I went my
way to seek the welcome downy and slept and dreamed
till break of day of Poltergeiss and Fetch and Fey
and leprechaun and Brownie. For a year I've not been
visited by any kind of sprite, Yet still they echo
in my head, those parting words so kindly said old

(28:38):
turnip Top, good night. End of Phantasmagora by Lewis Carroll
read by Dorian Gray,