Haunt Me a House an episode of Grand Hotel

Please enjoy Haunt Me a House a great episode of the legendaryGrand Hotel - A Classic Old Time radio Show.

Episode Transcript

(00:05):
The National Broadcasting Companies Grand Marquee,Grand Marquee lighted by stars, twinkling,
flowing, blazing with myriad lights andcolors against the night sky. The National
Broadcasting Company's Mammoth Billboard announces another excitingevening in the world of make believe the

(00:31):
Night The Grand Marquee announces a gayand fantastic comedy drama by Mary mcskimming and
Ralph Hunter entitled Haunt Me a Housestarring Jim Emmichi. But before the curtain
rises, here's a greeting and aword of introduction from our star himself,
Jim Emmichi, Unt George Stone,and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

(00:59):
You might It's a night's play andadventure in the world of make believe,
that strange world where houses are actuallyavailable if you're not too particular where you
live. Anyway, it all beganthe day Larry and Helen set out to
sell a house, a feat whichis truly remarkable when there are really no
houses for sale. Please very notso fast. I can't keep up with

(01:23):
you a real estate man starving rightin the middle of a real estate boom,
or because I can't get a houseto sell. Well, you've sold
one house in the past year.Uh huh, our own house. Yeah,
Oh, Larry, wouldn't it bewonderful of say we were walking along
like this and suddenly saw a nice, substantial looking house. Yeah, you're

(01:44):
in a quiet suburban neighborhood like this, all shaded with tree yes, handy
to transportation and all modern improvement,empty and justing for a live real estate
man to take over, and witha big, beautiful sign dead for sale
by owner. So you know,no other agent had, you know,
like like that sign over there.Oh yeah, and just that kind of

(02:07):
a house too, So I getHey, hey, Helen, don't interrupt
our day dream. They dreamed nothing. Look that house, why, Mary,
just when we were talking about evensigned. Come on, we're gonna
see the owner. We're back inbusiness. There. How's that for sale

(02:38):
sign with your name as agent?Oh lo, he want me, the
loveliest man you ever dreamed of,so polite and so eager to have your
handle the sale of his house.Yeah, that's what got me wondering.
You suppose he thought we were goingto buy the place instead of just selling
it for him on a commissioned basis. Of course, not well, look
at the contract he gave you.You have the exclusive sales rights for the

(02:59):
next thirty days. Yeah, Ican't see any catch up. But with
houses so scarce, Whitely say,if you can sell landhouse, mister,
I'll give you twenty percent commission.Oh well, maybe he thought since the
house is bigger than usual, thecommission ought to be bigger too. I
hate the disappoints there, but realestate deals don't work that way. Oh

(03:20):
well, maybe he just likes yourbig plane, honest face. Anyway,
why do we care as long aswe get to twenty percent? Well we
don't unless well, I got afeeling that. Oh never mind, very
what what is it I feel?Eyes? You feel what? Eyes on

(03:45):
the back of my neck? Well, probably a loose hair pin tickling?
It is not you know how itis someone's looking at you and you can't
see you just you're just imagine.Wait, there is no fellow looking at
us over hinge. Thanks coming overhere. Larry maybe wants to buy the
house. Hello, you folks lookingfor somebody. Well not exactly, you

(04:10):
see, I'm Larry Adams, realestate man. I'm gonna sell this house
time. Now what at the timeyou're gonna buy. I'm gonna sell this
house. How's that again? Isent I was going to sell the house,
sell the house. I don't needto shout about it. I heard
you the first time. Give meshop, says the name. I'm the

(04:33):
watchman. Okay, you know youtwo are pretty lucky at that. If
you mean our having this house tosell, we are lucky. Swattershad swatterhad
lucky. You've got it to shell. Just think if you had delivered it.
Why? What's wrong with you?Nothing? I ain't never put no
stock in all the crazy talks ofscoring around. But what to talk about?

(04:56):
I told you nothing. Nothing.You can put your finger on it
anyway, come to think of it, though, you can't put your finger
on any ghosts, can't you ghost? Oh? I get it harder.
Uh, thank goodness. I thoughtmaybe there was something wrong with the plumbing.
No, that would be easy.But with hands, ain't no way

(05:17):
you can handle hands. Well,I'll handle them. Is there any spooks
in there and they like the place, I'll sell it to them. You
do, yes, Well, it'syour neck if you want to stick it
out. Yep. I remember anotherfellow of the cowk like that. Oh,
now he maybe He's right. Wedon't want any trouble, and we're

(05:38):
not going to have any If theghosts won't buy the place themselves, they'll
have to move on because I'm goingto have a customer moving in. Yeah,
yeah, just like the other fellow. Well, I'll be getting along.
I wouldn't be cot dead in thisplace, and something tells me you
could be. Larry. Why don'twe go back to the apartment. We've

(06:09):
been at this house all day,yes, and got two hot prospects already.
Come on, let's take another lookinside dark Yes, well, let's
come back in the morning. Comeon, Larry, I can't somebody holding

(06:29):
me back? Will you quit hitting? Kidding? Larry? Quick? At
its dragging me back? How well? Of all them? Look at your
purse. You caught the handle onthe doorknob. Oh you well, I
could have sworn something happy by thearm and was dragging me away. Sometimes
I wish that had happened on ourway to the order, Larry. Why,

(06:54):
Larry Adams by stand right where you? There's something moving behind that drape?
Why there? Oh there is?Come on, quick he was running.
We we see you there. Icome out, I'll shoot shoot shooting

(07:15):
I'll make him think I've got agun. All right, I'm gonna count
to three. I one, weknow, hand me that pase, I'll
throw it one, two, three. Weird riad what dy said? You're

(07:36):
letting your imagination run away with you. Oh my glad to be back in
the apartment, knowing you won't haveto go back to that carry place again.
Oh I told you sell. Ittook me only a week to Those
first prospects fell through the minute misterMontgomery saw it. Hello. Oh yes,

(08:03):
mister Montgomery. I was just goingto bring the papers over it.
Oh what but mister Montgomery, yousaid, but but but even so,
that doesn't mean that well that that'sridiculous. Oh no, no, I'm
not doubting your word, but commonsense should tell me. I see,

(08:26):
yes, yes, okay, misterMontgomery. Goodbye. Oh Larry, don't
tell me. Did he? Yes, just like the others for the fiftieth
time, we've got that spook investedpavilion back in our hands. Put Montgomery
steady. That was my mistake.I should have gotten the money first.

(08:46):
Well what happened is time. Justthree hours after they moved in, they
started hearing the clanking of James andfootsteps coming from nowhere? Oh, why
don't we just give it up?What eating? You know? What I
mean? What good does it dohaving a house to sell us the ghosts
and it keeps carrying the customers away? You're right as long as it say,

(09:09):
say, I've got it the solution. Start packing, Honey. We're
gonna move in that house ourselves andscare the ghosts away. Come in,

(09:30):
No they that was me knocking onwood. Now look, you said you're
accessible out here. For the eighteenthtime. I tell you there's no such
thing as ghosts. Now, let'sforget it. I'm trying to read,
Harry. Harry, Yes, tonight. Do I think what will come again?

(09:54):
Thinks it drags around upstairs downstairs?I hope it does, because if
it does, I'll get it ifit's the last thing I do, Harry.
Now, look, there's nothing tobe afraid of. Why are we
whispering? I don't know why we'rewhispering. Why do we do any of

(10:16):
the silly things? Yeah, justthink your nerve drawn edge. My nerves
are not on edge. This isthe perfectly normal, peaceful living room.
We're perfectly normal, peaceful people.If you insist on a match. I
am your host the fris. Haveyou tried Silkie's Moosett paper to matishuice pimbles?

(10:37):
But leave you now? Who turnedthat radio on? I did when
you said you wanted to read.It just takes a little time to warm
up. Did it just starting youdear? Oh no, no, I
always tremble this way. Oh Larry, what are we going to do?

(10:58):
We need that fat chance of gettingit? I see now why he offered
me twenty percent. Oh, thenyou finally admit that it is though I
admit nothing except that a lot ofsilly rumors are keeping me from selling a
perfectly good house. But where weheard those noises ourselves? We've heard them
every Now there you go. That'sexactly the kind of rattle brain chattering.
I mean, why every screwball inthe country knows about this place by now?

(11:22):
This letter is an example from thehands across the Psychic Void Society?
What did they want us this placefor their headquarters? Said they heard it
was suited for their unusual work.Honestly, see the letter. Oh okay,
if you want to waste your timeon, oh, I guess I
had lesser that the apartment or done. Is the end book. Oh let

(11:43):
me see there the hands across thePsychic Void society to say this is anxiety.
Yes, it would be to you. Let's just settle down. You
hear that noise? That settles it. If that sound is in this house,

(12:05):
I'll find it. If I haveto tear the place down. I
think I'm going up, Larry Wade, I'm coming. Sounds like it's coming
right from the head of the stairs. Say look, I thought we left
that bedroom door open when we camedown. Yeah, remember your purposely went
back to open it and now it'sclosed. Maybe Mary, he's coming in.

(12:28):
Get out of this. No,we're gonna settle this here, and
now get in back of me.We're going in there. Somebody rop that
chain and shoot it's the night watchman, all right, start explaining that I
reckon. You're the one to explainedthat speaking is on me. I'm all
alone and I haven't rich not evenknocking. Then cut it out. We're

(12:54):
in the right. I shouldn't evenlisten to a story before calling the police.
You know what they said, Iain't dead. Go ahead, call
the holy I'm supposed to hear onthese prefaces. Here's my watchman, permit
wrecker, fine, fine, permitthe rattle chains and moan like a fanshits.
Well, I'll tell you, I'lltell you. I have to do

(13:16):
it. Either that or break upthe club. What club? Well,
a bunch of us boys sure toget together and play peas. I'm gonna
swap live the meeting here, onlymaking the place here's the whole dirt neighborhood.
Oh oh, I get it.If we sold the place, that
is there don't play for us boysto go over an evening. Oh then
it was you all the time.It really isn't a ghost, ghost,

(13:37):
lady, I was a ghost.Jim Choult would have been out to here,
this play here long ago. I'mthe dead rider. What I tell
you, Helen. They had tobe a simple explanation. We'll have a
new owner in this place tomorrow,now that the great mystery is solved.
Well, all right, but youcan't tell me that some of those noises
weren't the real thing ghosts. Imean, and missus Schults, if you

(14:01):
finished your haunting, Sorry, butI ain't got no time to gospin with
you. I gotta get a longbreak. The bad news to the boy.
Yes, sir, that's what Imeant. And if you meet any
other spooks when you tell them we'renot at home, what's that I said?
If you see any haven't you gotdon come up bad? Have it
or forbidden yourself? Oh? Atlast, now we can settle this place.

(14:26):
And what a sin? No moreghosts, no more dragging of chains,
no more mysterious. Oh no,I couldn't be. I saw a
short sleep, never three years aghost now, Helen, there's no use

(14:58):
going on the pieces. There's anexplanation for this still has to be there.
There's an explanation. This house ishaunted. You can't talk me out
of it this time. You can'tblame the watchmen either. But it doesn't
make sense. I was out herein the hall almost before the noise stopped.
There was no one on the stairs, no one in the hall,
and the front doors locked and noplace where anyone could possibly have hidden.

(15:20):
It doesn't have to be ghost throughinvisible. Ah, that's ridiculous. All
right. Then if it wasn't aghost like it, well it was,
it was, well I don't knowwhat it was, Oh, Helen,
there's no use going all to pieces. There's an explanation. For this.
There has to be there. There'san explanation. This house is haunted.

(15:41):
You can't talk me out of itthis time, and you can't blame the
watchmen either. But it doesn't makesense. I was out here in the
hall almost before the noise stopped.There was no one on the stairs,
no one in the hall, andthe front door is locked and no place
where anyone could possibly have hidden.It doesn't have to be ghosts are invisible.
Oh that's ridiculous. Right then ifit wasn't a ghost, but was

(16:03):
it, well it was it?Well I don't know what it was.
I'm gonna try to figure it outtonight. Come on, let's call it
a day before Very there, youhear that somebody out on the porch,
Well, maybe it's someone who sawthat for sale time. Wait, Very,
I'm not going to have you outthere facing a visitor from the other

(16:25):
world. Now wait, just becausesomebody came up on our porch, well
maybe I ought to take this pokeralong though. You don't have to go
out it's coming in. Stop callingit. It could be something human,
I hope. Oh no, no, it would be something sort of misty
and the cereal. It'll look atus with horrible eyes. Let it look

(16:49):
wait, get behind me. Ohdear, pardon me. I I just
wanted to see if anyone was home. Goodness, you you are, aren't
you? It? Uh does lookthat way, doesn't it? Oh you're
alive? Alive? Well, yes, if you count reading and paying taxes.

(17:11):
I well, what was it youwanted? I hate to disturb you,
but that for sales. Fine out. And you mean you're interested in
behind the house? Of course hemeans that. Come right in, only
too glad to show you. Whata wonderful story. I better wait.
You see my mother in law wilveris. Yes, that's her. Oh

(17:37):
well, you shouldn't have made herwait outside, made her old? Goodness,
you don't know my mother in law. Oh dear, here she comes,
Wilbur. I thought I told youto call if they were old.
Can't I trust you? Oh?Hello? Do people own this place?
Oh? Well, I'm I'm theagent for it. Missus? You speak
top. I'm even getting right downbusiness. I'm interested in leasing this property.

(18:02):
Leasing it or wouldn't you be interestedin buying it? You know?
Values are going up, young man. Are you trying to tell me what
to do? Do you or don'tyou want to lease this play? Well
he doesn't. He doesn't, Iknow you see he wait? Wellen,
at least we get some money outof the lease. And well, yes,
I do want to lease. That'sbetter. I won't decide tonight.
I have another prospect to look atit the morning. Good mother, don't

(18:26):
you think maybe if we waiteeply?There's nothing to wait for now I've made
up our minds. It's no sensemy pain went on mona packet, then
you would Lucy pain on another.But Lucy and I have been getting along
all right for years. I toldyou you indeed keep coming to live with
me. Way, young man,are you going to share the house?

(18:48):
Oh? You like the house?That is? If you aren't. Oh,
I'm sure you're not. Why don'tyou go and read a good book
while I show them the house?Well, I just I'm sure you too
will want to see the kitchen first. Now it's right through this handy little
hall and shot full of the latestimprovements. And also there's lots of covered
space. And here's your beautiful tiles. Think and the double brain board in

(19:11):
frank everything? Oh dear, whatwas that? That's or mice? Nice?
Well? Just a couple of themof courts. Don't don't be frightened,
young man. I'm not afraid ofany living thing, and I've seen
enough of her house. I'll letyou know in the morning. A mother,
I still think would be better iflucy and I've told you about thinking,

(19:34):
and now come along. We've spentenough time, yes, ma'am,
I'll come. Goodness, sometimes Iget so homesick. You mean fear old
boyhood home. No, just homesick, sick of home because she's always there.

(20:03):
Now, look, Helen, whenmissus Plump gets here, don't start
those mysterious hints about something being wrongwith the house. But Larry, she
only wants to lease the place.I thought you were going to sell us,
so did I before those screwy noisesstarted. Noises no one can explain.
Well, that's justine. If youwait a while, there's missus plump.
Now I'm done waiting. I'll getsome mission from the lease instead of

(20:26):
losing everything. Not remember no kibbetzing. Oh, oh, yes, please,
I want to talk to you beforemother gets here. She's parking the
car. She hasn't changed her mindabout leasing the place. Oh dear,
no, that'll be too good,that's what I want to see you about.
Please tell her she can't have thehouse, all right, Ruby,

(20:48):
you will not. I'm sorry,mister Teesley. But if I don't lease
it to your mother in law,well there goes my commission. Yes,
and if we have to move inwith my wife mother, there goes my
happy home. Well look, misterTeasley, why don't you buy the house.
We can arrange payments. It isn'tthe money I have that. But

(21:10):
even if I brought it, Lucy'smother would still move in with us.
But if we don't leave her thishouse, she'll Oh no, she can't.
She's looked all over and there isn'tanother one in town. Oh,
Larry, maybe you should Oh hereshe comes down. Good. Good,
Now, remember Helen, I'll dothe talking. Good evening, missus klouk.
Never mind the evening, let's getdown the business. I'm ready to

(21:32):
sign the least. Oh that's wonderful. We were just beginning to think we
were stuck with a lemon. Shemeans, the old lemon sweezer in the
kitchen doesn't work. She keeps worryingabout it. But we'll we'll replace it.
Of course. The spooks, Oh, the spoons. Yes, sureless
bunny enough for three people. Mother, won't you please reconsider, Wilbert,

(21:56):
did I ask your advice man,perhaps if you and I could step into
the library where we could sign theleast without We never go in there after
dark, the library. Just surethe business, yes, fie missus Trump,
if you would just come this way, I know you want to get
this business set now, if you'rejust signed here on this line, Oh

(22:17):
no, no, he next peak, pump. They'll go around signing things
without reading them. Now, let'ssee the party of the first part of
that noise upstairs? Huh upstairs?What noise? That noise like a chain
dragging. Oh oh, Shane,Well that's a that's next door, Yes,

(22:37):
next door of the house on ourright, in the garage. The
man's working on his car. Butthat noise was from the left and overhead
it was. I mean, it'sthe acoustics, very unusual acoustics in this
house. Seems to throw the soundall over to the left and us.
Oh, I suppose the acoustics throughthat too. That's oh no, that's

(22:59):
a probably youngsters in the neighborhood,playful little fellas. I'll stop that sort
of thing. Once I moved it. Now let's see where I Yes,
the party of the first party.Who in the world is that my wife?
Yes, Helen young man, you'retrembling and that isn't your wife unless

(23:21):
she's wearing snow shoes. I'm goingto see. Wait, missus puppy.
It might be why there's no oneout here, but there must be.
I mean, well, of coursenot those foot stairs have happened to him,
to him, Yes, the personwho came down those stairs, if
there was a person, now,please missus clump to missus clump me.

(23:42):
No human being came down those stairs. And if it wasn't a human being,
what you said you weren't afraid,I said, I wasn't afraid of
anything that breathes, that's alive.A bobby, that's not a bobby.
Just I can't take her a spiritwalking around without any skin. You're you're
being hasty, hasty when you're leavinga hated house. It can't be too

(24:03):
a stay my last. If Icould get my hands on whatever making that
noise? Is this okay, Helen? Oh, dear Helen, look at

(24:40):
me. A noise on the stairs. Did you don't let missus camp here?
Missus Crump has gone away for good. She wouldn't least this house if
we paid. Oh, well,then I won't have to use this other
rollerskate. Yes, yes, Ijust on the top steps like this and

(25:03):
give it a little shout and thenI mean i'd have seen the No,
that's when it reaches a bot andthen the hall is empty again. You,
my own wife was bad enough whenthat lunatic of a night watchman put

(25:29):
on his axe. But my ownwife, why in the name of common
sense? Why I get it foryou? Dear for me? Yeah,
you've ruined my only chance of makingany money out of this madhouse. You
chase Missus Clump away. Of courseI had to. She was only going
to lease the place where You've gotto sell it to make money, sell

(25:52):
it to boom deerom. Why didthe association? Of course, you know
them hands across the site. Whathave they got to do with it?
They're going to buy it. Iwrote them and told them they could remember
they wrote and asked you about it. Well, then I got their dress
off the enveloco. Woh no,do you know what was in that letter,

(26:12):
the one that was in the envelope? Yes, you told me.
They wanted this place for their headquarters. What it is, Yes, as
a gift. That letter said theywere sure we'd be glad to donate this
house. So they're worthy cause youmean, oh, Larry, I don't
see what keeps you from murdering mebecause I don't want you haunting me.

(26:37):
Well, that washes us up forgood. We might as well pack up
and get out of here. Ohbut now that you know there aren't any
ghosts, maybe you can really sellit. Yes, if there's any time.
But do you remember what day itwas that we took this deal on.
Let me see it was all Iwas just about to go to day
right, thirty days I lose thesales privileged tomorrow morning, and the owner

(27:00):
said was through fooling with it.Either I sold it during those thirty days
or he's going to tear down thehouse and put in a parking lot.
Their days are up. I shouldhave known, even if that gag with
the roller skates fooled me, Ishould have gotten wise when I heard that
chain rattling changed, I didn't rattleany change. Now, look, Helen,

(27:22):
we're all done with it. Let'snot start again. You were rattling
chains missus Trump and I both heardit. I know I've been awful,
but I give you my solemn,honest word. I never touched change.
You mean there's still something in thishouse that and it's coming in. I
hope it's a ghost. I hopeit's the scariest school. Oh it's mister

(27:48):
T'sley. If you're looking for yourmother in law, she's gone. My
she was scared, wasn't she all? And when your wife sent that role
skate down the stairs, Oh,then you know about it? Oh my
yes, Oh but mister teazy,there was more to it than the roller

(28:10):
skates. There were shame, yes, I know, wasn't that lucky.
I just happened to find them inthe closet, you found them? And
the way she ustadattled out that frontdoor. I'll remember that as long as
I live in this house, aslong as you live in this house,
Yes, Lucy, and I willlove it here. Now, wait,

(28:33):
we can't have you as a guestbecause this isn't our house. You mean
I can't buy it? I meanjust what I said. Why, yes,
here, I've got the check allmade out. Oh, Larry,
look nineteen thousand dollars. When Ithink of Lucy and I alone in our

(28:56):
little hearted house. But it isn'thanted. You know yourself? Oh yes,
I know, and you know,but she doesn't You mean? Yes,
the only place in the world wheremy mother in law won't come.

(29:30):
Thanks for ladies and gentlemen, thisis Gelemchi again. We hope you enjoyed
tonight's story. Next week's Grandma Keyis a romantic South American comedy of a
young love involving a gay cavalierro fromColombia and a very romantic maid from Manhattan.
So try to be with us,won't you? When Grand Mikey presents

(29:52):
Virginia Safford Lynn's wedding in Columbia.Good Night. Tonight's original play, Haunt

(30:14):
Me a House was written by Marymc skimming and Ralph Hunter and produced by
Norman Felton. Jim Amichi played Larryand Muriel Bremner played Helen. Others in
the cast were Cliff Severe, HopeSummers, and Johnny Coons. You're announcer
is George Stone. The orchestra wasconducted by Joseph Calichio with original music composed
by Emil Soderstrom. Listen again nextweek when Grand Marquis will again blaze with

(30:41):
light and color high in the Gayairways, inviting you to join our audience
for a performance of Wedding in Columbiastarring Jim Amichi. Mm hm. This

(31:02):
is NBC is a national broadcasting property. Mm hmmm, mm hmmm.