How Now Brown Cow an episode of Grand Hotel

Please enjoy How Now Brown Cow a great episode of the legendaryGrand Hotel - A Classic Old Time radio Show.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
R A y v E r Ay v E. Rave Cream Shampoo presents
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(00:24):
myriad lights and colors against the nightsky. Rave Cream Shampoos Mammoth Billboard announces
another exciting evening in the world ofmake believe. Grand Marquee stars Allen Sulay
in a light comedy of love andlaughter entitled how Now Brown Cow and Now

(00:48):
A greeting from our young star OlandSulay. Thank you, George Stone on
behalf of Rave Cream Shampoo, Iextend a hearty welcome to you. All.
Diction, inflection, and breast controlhave nothing to do with romance.

(01:10):
They're all steps in the training ofthe voice. At least that's what handsome
young playwright Alec Arnold thought until hebegan teaching them to his lovely secretary,
Susan. And then Alec discovered thathe wasn't improving her voice so much as
she was having a profound effect onhis heart. But first, blonde,
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(02:17):
all drug department and ten cents stores. Handy tube that can't tip, spill,
or shatter just sixty cents family sizeone dollar. Alec Arnold is a
smart, successful young playwright who thinkshe knows all the answers, and so
he has no idea what's in storefor him as he lounges in the sumptuous

(02:38):
apartment dictating the lines of his latestplay to his lovely secretary suit. Okay,
Susan seemed three. As the curtainrises for A and Cecil enter from
terrace left, Dave Susan, Oh, oh, I'm sorry, mister Arnold.
I didn't realize you were dictating again. Oh look here, you're worn

(02:58):
out, aren't you, Susan.Oh no, I'm as precious a piece
of wet blotting paper. Big yeah, talkins. So shall I make more
black coffee soon? Susan? Couldyou handle any more black coffee? Oh?
Thank you, but my limit isten cups. No more coffee,
thank you, Haggins, good Sue. Well, now then what were Gloria

(03:23):
and Cecil doing? Uh? Cecilwas about to take Gloria in his arm?
No, now, cheer up,Susan. Were almost true, and
the play will be ready for thenate to rivet to pieces again. Okay,
I'm ready, all right. Ceciltakes Gloria in his arms and kisses
her. But I thought they weren'tgoing to kiss. Susan stopped, arguing.

(03:44):
Every time I change a lion.This is laughingly on. As revision
Denise says, they must kiss.You know this wasn't a bad play before
she read it. Oh, myplayers are never bad before, dnay reason,
All right, now we take outGloria's lion. Cecil speak to me.
The lion will now read cecil.Shut up. Oh my, oh
my, we cannot deny this thing. Your star and mine have polited in

(04:09):
outer space. Time itself has one. What's wrong with that? You dare
me to tell you? Susan,When you've worked for me longer, you
learn as I've had to do totake things. As a matter of course,
all this is just the usual routine. I write a fairly mediocre play
for the Nay, she reads itand screams because it has enough glamour.
I revise it, turn it intoa real stinkaroo, and bingo, another

(04:31):
smash Broadway hit. You ever thoughtof writing a really good play? Oh,
don't be silly. It'd probably ruinedme. And yet who knows,
Perhaps someday I'll throw everything to thewinds and write a masterpiece. Well,
perhaps we'd better finish this one first. Yes, course, where were we?
Let's see? Oh? Two footmenat her carrying Susan. I mean,

(04:57):
Susan, who are you? Ibeg your pardon? Oh? What
I mean is, since you've cometo work for me, I've never known
where you live or what you dowhen you're not founding a typewriter. Oh,
I live in a rooming house andI eat and sleep at the corner
drug store. Are you the solesupport of an invalid grandmother? Does your
little brother selling newspapers? And isthere a young man saving his pennies to
buy you a little bungalow and eastoing? Oh? I'm sorry to spoil

(05:19):
your plot, but no, no, there's a just Susan. What know
what ever happened in my love life? Well, let's finish the last scene.
Enter two footmen carrying Helen's lifeless body. Gloria and Cecil stare at the
inert form. Gloria stifles the soband drop store knees as the curtain slowly

(05:44):
falls the end. Whom I lovethese cheery endings out, It'll be my
greatest success, Hawkins. I betanother urgent communicate for mister Nate Davis.
Sir, that's what I get forliving in the same apartment building with her.
Thank you, Hawkins, Yes,sir, mm fly bla blah m

(06:06):
hm bye. Somehow I get theidea that miss Davis is growing a wee
bit impatient, quite impatient I wouldsay so, Susan, please hand Hawkin's
revised patience. Oh, by allmeans there you are hockey. Oh,
thank you, miss Susan. I'llnip up with him at well, sir,
Yeah, Now we'll next have aThen they will refuse to do the

(06:28):
script. B she'll threaten to goto Hollywood. This will be followed by
see a Tender Reunion, and Dshe'll forgive me. The play will then
proceed a schedule. All sounds too, too fascinating. Yes, the novelty
is beginning to wear rather thin,though, Where Susan, here's your check
for services rendered the hard way.Well, thank you and goodbye, mister

(06:48):
Arnold. It's been a great experience. I hope you'll get over it.
Oh it's nothing but a few weeksin a straight jacket. Hold cure,
what are you trying to ruin me? Well? Denay has now finished reading
the play. Susan, have youmet miss David? Oh how are you
doing, Miss David? You didthis deliberately direct my whole career. Oh
no, no, I just didthe typing. I don't mean you.

(07:12):
I'm talking to this this fiend.Never have I read such a play.
Well, thank you, dear,it's driveled cash? How refuse to play
it with? Throw? Alec?Throw? Do you hear that? And
I only hear it, but Iwas expecting it three lines back. Oh,
let's second it. I'm going toaccept that offer from Hollywood. Oh.
I don't know why you ever becameengaged to me, funny. I

(07:32):
always thought it was the other wayaround. So if you'll excuse me,
I'll you keep out of this Alecthis time. I mean it. I'm
going and the day you come tome and Darnie beg him to come back?
Allahy what hammyags? You know youyou really don't care about anything,

(07:58):
do you now, Susan? Watchyour language? You know people are just
characters to put in your plays.Doesn't even occur to you that they might
be human being? Where that's afew of them are well, Susan,
Before you go, would you mindtyping a letter for him and Neil Martin,
my scene designer. Yes, forsure, I haven't totally met if
I like his models with the stagesets? What a few aderations in the
second act. I'm gonna run upto this country place this weekend and O,

(08:20):
Susan, you've upset me? Yes, it's very annoying. For years
now, I've gone along in myown neat, well dusted little world,
and then here you come, throwingwords at me. Miss Stevis, He
calmed down, Hawkins, this ismerely section e of sequence number three.
But sir, tunk troubler, wedon't stairs in the free till of etof

(08:41):
You want to bet that the trunksare empty? Well, well, doney,
come in, goodbye, and Ihope I never lay eyes on you
again. Look, Denay, you'reoverplaying your part of it this time.
Oh that's this plane ticket looked likeit. Goodbye, Alix. Okay,
go ahead. See how far youget without my plays to camouflage you.
I wonder how far your plays willget about me. Listen, I could

(09:01):
take the rawest, greenest, untrainedgirl and turn her into a better actress
than you'll ever be. Then whydon't you hand through washed up finished?
Do you understand finished? Well?Ah, yes, a finished actress?
Man? What did you do ifthere were no doors? This Slane?
You're actually letting her go. Thebest thing that's happened to me in years

(09:24):
play Oh, I thought about that, the big pardon sir, if I
might make a suggestion or suggest byall means, has it would serve Miss
Beavers jolly well white if you didconvert the rawest, greenest, dunt thin
girl into an actress an excellent suggestion, Hawkins. If I had a raw
green girl, if I might stillfurther suggest sir, what about the miss

(09:46):
Susan here? Oh no, ohno, Hawkins, Hmm, she has
a look, sir, she hasa charm sir. No, no,
no, and a nice figure,so no, no, wait wait,
so she'd have audience. And I'mtwelve hands high and I came in third

(10:11):
at Santa Anita. Now, ifyou're tiny, step aside, girl,
I've got news. Fantastic as itmay seem, you are about to become
an actress. Cecil, tell meeverything. We cannot deny this thing.

(10:33):
Your star and mine have collided inour state. Just a minute, Susan,
Yes, this, I wouldn't havemissed you. Shut off, Neil,
Susan, this is not a slapstickcomedy, Papa, that's what you
think I look, Neil. Youjust stick to your scene designing, please,
mister Neil. This is the thirdtime I've said lunch is ready.

(10:54):
We'll be there in just a minute. Missus Howard Dobdler. I fix a
nice hot lunch. Then it getscold. Now it's getting hot again.
Well we're almost the other rehearslements roundDoubler and like you know. The trouble
is that Susan needs a foundation.I beg your pardon. I mean,
well, you just can't throw herinto line reading until she learns how to

(11:16):
talk. I've been talking since Iwas eleven months old. Yeah, yeah,
you're right, Neil, Susan theyare ah now say oh, oh
now say how now? Brown cow? Ha now brown cow? She has
no how to breathe either. Ohjust what have I been doing all my

(11:37):
life? Big pardon, mister needBut your housekeeper inspected me to inform you
once more, sir, So ifyou do not partake in the lunchome she
has prepared, she is going topick up a frightful or raw banks Organs
will be right there. Oh verygood, sir. How do things seem
to be progressing? Mister ellis littlerugged Hawkins. Now Susan they the quick

(11:58):
brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs. Oh, for heaven's sake, why
whoa For some mysterious reason, youcan't be an actress without it, the
quick round fox jumped over the lazydog. Now say e, nobody ain't
coming to eat that hair lunch?I quick e A. What's the matter

(12:22):
with her? Think nothing of it, missus Holland come on this Bengali and
Troby. You need some food?Yeah? Okay, and you'll go ahead.
That's a second, Susan. Look, we'll spend a few weeks on
fiction, inflection, breath control andall that stuff, and then we'll get
your letter perfect. In the partbefore New York rehearsal started saying, what's

(12:43):
the matter. You're not going tocry? I never cry. Ah,
Now, it's too early to bediscouraged. You'll be able to do it.
That's what I'm afraid of, Susan. It's going to be all right.
I want to get you down.Come on, let's have lunch.
What do I get to at thistime? Ooh, lamb chap pinapple juice?
Malvatos again? Is that all Iever get to eat? If you

(13:05):
want curves in the right places,I'm not going through with this, but
Susan, I simply won't do it. I'm true pushed up. Finish to
you here, cecil tell me everything. We cannot deny this thing. Is

(13:30):
that better? Well you better notanswer that here, Neil, you read
the part of Stescil four. Ooh no, I just designed scenery,
big parton, sir. But Ia'm willing to have a go at the
hawk and okay, here you are. I'll give your all. Okay,
Susan, go ahead. Your starand mine have collided in outer space,

(13:54):
My darling, all these years youhave been a true love. If they
Coloasso Hawkins proceeds. Oh yes,oh, my darling, we come.
Wait a minute, captain where Helenthe wife enters? Three times said dinners
ready here Helen, read your part? My name Helen? Oh yes it

(14:15):
is by here. Take this gripand read this line right here. M
See so, I am not surprised. Did I would missa No, tessel,
it will always be too late forus, No, darling, we
cannot live with her. Okay,Tom, do you enter now and see

(14:39):
them in each other's arms? Seeso, Groans, I am not surprised,
grunt. Oh no, Now walkover to the davenboard. Susan,

(15:01):
keep that book on your head.Extend your left hand with the fingers curled
up, which imploringly no, Susan, the right hand palm up appealingly.
Is my last eyelash all right?Or should it curl over my nose?
Oh? Now, Brown, comefine, The quick brown fox jumped over

(15:26):
the lazy door. Susan. Lookmore magazines, more pictures. Me sure
now reached the point where the publicdemands his money back if every magazine newspaper
doesn't carry a picture of you,Susan in the garden, Susan beside your
swimming pool, Susan, Susan,the most sensational find in theatrical history,

(15:52):
soon to be starred on Broadway andAlec arms you'd play this is known as
the big build up. Well,like, the mere thought of it scares
me stiff. When do we leavehere? Wait? Tell me first about
the little brown fox, the Chrisbrown fox jumped over the lazy door.
Long love. Well, leave forthe city tomorrow and start rehearsals. And
don't look at me like that,Susan. That not in our contract.

(16:14):
What do you mean? Well,every time you turn those big, reproachful
eyes on me, I blast that, Susan, I fall a little more
in love with you. I amWell, do you think I felt like
a push a woman around and beather brains out and not fall in love
with her. Susie, come hereto me. Why ah, he's sweet,
lovely things. Oh a yeah,that's certainly not in our contract either.

(16:55):
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The successful play right Alec Arnold haswritten a new play for the well

(18:07):
known actress Donate Davis. In afit of temperament, Donay has walked out
on him and I accepted a contractin Hollywood, leaving Alec without a leading
lady to get even with her.Aleck has trained as secretary. Susan played
the part, and in the process, Susan has not only learned about being
an actress, but Aleck has fallenin love with her. As our second
act opens, the stage hands arebuilding the scenery for the play while Susan

(18:30):
stands shaking outside her dressing room atthe field. Susan, listen, good
night. We can't talk out herein all this racket. Come on back
into your dressing room. Yeah,yeah, we'll take a break. They
don't want to get a scenery setup, Susan. Luck, Susan,
you're shaking like a leaf. Aleck, you know just as well as I
do that I'm still not an actress. Don't worry, no one will ever

(18:52):
notice. Susan. Listen, Ihaven't said anything more to you about about
what I mean is? I haven'tsaid anymore because well, look now,
I don't want to influence you.I don't want you to go through with
this just on my account. Buthey, it's a oh he isn't going
Neil Alec. You've just got tocome out here. They're trying to use

(19:14):
an orange baby's father the second scene, and it makes everything look like Oranger
love. I haven't okay, Susanstaying here, I'll be right back.
Come in. Hello. Oh wemet before, didn't bring when you were

(19:36):
Alex secretary? What are you doinghere? And he thought he could turn
you into an actress? Oh,poor dear, I thought you were in
Hollywood. I was, and i'dstill be if I hadn't seen all those
publicity pictures of you soon to bestarting Alex new play. Oh no,
but he, of course he knewwhat he was doing. He knew that
would bring me back. What's thematter, did you really take seriously?

(20:00):
Yes, I've been pretty silly,haven't I. Well that's that now,
darling, Darling, you knew i'dcome back and save your play. Oh
no, no, wait a minute, it's all right. I understand.
I just step up. Then thismay be a great shock to you,
but Susan is the star of myplay, precious, Alec. I know

(20:22):
your feelings were hurt, darling,but that's all over now. I forgive
you. I said, Susan isstill the star. I wouldn't let you
play a walk on in a playof mine. Would You can't treat me
like that? Did you imagine youcould just calmly walk in and take over?
Yes, that's what I believe.How's your bank account, darling?
Don't change the subject. You mean? You should read contracts precious, in
big bold black and white. Itsays that I am the exclusive star all

(20:47):
your play, and I'll wait aminute to listen. I'll go. I'll
better clear out, or I'll stealAlec for every penny he's gone. Okay
ahead, you don't mean well,please all right? I will, and
you take me to come back.Alas my head off right. She should

(21:07):
get a new exit line. Youmustn't let her do this, Oh,
Susan, don't look like that.She won't do anything. She never sued
anyone in her life. That wasmerely a tagline. Bro big scene coma,
Darling, don't just see everything isright now is absolutely all right?

(21:33):
Hey, Alec, this just camefor you by registered mail. No thanks,
Neil, m hm, of coursenot. It's from Dane's attorneys.
She's suing me for half a milliondollars. Wow, but I have got
half a million dollars. She can'tdo this. You better do some fast
thinking, brother, Yeah, letme think, Let me think. Wait

(21:55):
a minute, there's only one thingI can do. Look, Neil,
call the cast for a special rehearsalright away, and don't let Susan know
about it if you don't want Susanto know about it. Of course not
now. I'm going to phone doNay to get over here to the theater.
But quick, Oh, my preciousAlec. And I thought you just

(22:18):
didn't love me anymore and didn't wantme to be in your way. How
could you think that you were justtesting me? To darling. You just
don't realize what a clever chap Iam. No, precious, kiss me
John. Well, shall we leavethat until later. We've got to start
the rehearsal. Come on, Danay, the cast is waiting. Come,
come my dear Tessil, don't sayanything wonder we have now listen Alex stop

(22:52):
interrupting rehearsal. We have no rightto happiness. We can't do this to
Helen after all these years. OhAlec, now listen, Heresal, but
this isn't the original script. Thisis the original script, and it isn't
by your revised first right, wentback to the original. But I won't
do the original. I told youbefore I would never do this when it

(23:15):
makes me sweeten and thickening. No, haven't any glamor. I just won't
do it. But this is theversion we're using. You'll use the version
you revise for me. You'll usethat version of our stud Now that's where
you're so wrong. You should readcontracts. Sometimes it says nothing whatever about
my revising scripts to suit you.But I won't play it this way.
Why did you say to him Irefuse to play it? Just now?

(23:38):
Do I understand that you refuse todo the play lackly? Absolutely, and
definitely I will not do it.Do you hear perfectly? And so does
the rest of the cast. Thistime we've got witnesses ewaite, what are
you doing? I'm tearing up thisfile script and you can tear up the
contract to wrick it to pieces.Come through with you in your power place.

(23:59):
I'm not I'm back to Hollywood whenI'm appreciated, and you're can just
try to get me back again sometime. I'm going to marry my producer.
Goodbye to Nay. Thanks so muchfor Kelley. Well, okay,
cast, suppose you all take abreak. Now, we still half half
an hour before Susan arrives for theregulars. Though, Ally, why on
earth didn't you tell me what youwere trying to do? Oh? I

(24:21):
handle these things in my own underheadedway. But Susan was here. What
Susan? Yeah, she got hereearly and saw Denay rehearsing. What golly,
I didn't know how to explain toher. I thought that you decide.
Where is Susan now? She leftand said to tell you that she
understands about everything. Oh good grief, Oh my gosh. Now I haven't
any leading lady, but Parkins theSecretarial Agency must have her address. No,

(24:53):
sir, the Employment Agency is nolonger in business, sir. He
wait, she said, you livedin a rooming house. Get your hat,
Hawkins. We'll cover every rooming housein town. Do you mind,
sir? If I nip into thisdrug store to purchase something for tired and

(25:15):
blistered feet. No, no,any better get them for me too.
Oh, yes, sir, thecorner drug store, Yes, sir hawk,
and she said she always eats atthe corner drug store. Come on,

(25:37):
forgive me, sir, But consideringthat we've patronized every corner drug store
for almost two weeks, couldn't wedine tight at one in the middle of
the block, Harkins, Go on, go home and rest. I'll carry
on a lot. Oh thank you. Hey, You're always said we got
twenty tonight on a for a headache, but we got TIKEI sh Look,

(26:02):
I've already had four drug store dinnerstonight. All I want now is something
for a headache. We okay?Huh from Susan? Oh godly, Susan,
I've hunted this whole town over foryou. Why didn't you try looking
around there? Who knows where youlive? Susan? Why did you run
away? Why didn't you show thelast Tuesday? I didn't have a leading
lady. You had to nay.She went back to Hollywood where she'll marry

(26:26):
her producer. Susan, Look,will you come back and open the play
and marry me? Elie? Idon't want to be an actress. Oh
okay, then will you just playmarry me? But why do you want
me to marry? Because I loveyou? Blasted? I love you?
Oh couldn't you have said that before? Do I have to write your dialogue

(26:48):
to Susan? Here's something for aheadache? Headache? Susan? Am I
going to need something for headache?What headache? You haven't got time to
have a headache. You've got tobrush me up on my life? How
the break and open us? Andyou mean, how wonderful can you be?
The brown cow just jumped over thequick brown. The lazy dog laughed

(27:11):
his head off. Thank you,ladies and gentlemen. The glad enjoyed the

(27:33):
night's play, And next week we'llbe back with another hilarious comedy romance.
To a real sports fan, there'smagic in baseball, but for Steve Dalton,
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(27:57):
I know you won't want to missHey marks the spot, So when
I join us next week when RaveCream Shampoo Again presents Grand Marquis. Tonight's

(28:22):
original play How Now Brown Cow waswritten by Virginia Safford Litz and produced by
Norman Felton. Land Sulay played Alec, and Muriel Bremner was heard as Susan.
The orchestra was conducted by Joseph Calichio, with original music composed by Amels
Soderstone. Be with us again nextweek when Grand Marquis with again blaze with

(28:45):
light and color high in the gayairwaves, inviting you to join our audience
for a performance of Hexts marks thespot. Though he's seeing you tonight,
girls, remember there's always tomorrow,so tonight. Trust the magic of Yankee

(29:07):
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(29:30):
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(30:07):
I can all watch that stumble mm