Why Was Cutthroat Island So Bad? - Hack The Movies (#419)

Tony and Captain Boomies board a vessel in the loudest marina of all time and talk about one of the biggest flops of all time! Most people know that film was a huge financial disaster that helped kill a movie studio but less people know WHY it is such a bad movie. Probably because most people haven't seen it! Tony and Captain will go through it and find out!

https://youtu.be/YKsV1_THhBU
https://rumble.com/v6z0d8i-why-was-cutthroat-island-so-bad-hack-the-movies.html

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Arc Yoho. It's Tony from Hack the Movie. So today
we're talking about Cutthroat Island, the biggest flop of all time.
We sish actually check and see if that's still true.
But yeah, we're gonna talk about this huge flop that
killed an entire movie studio today on Hack the Movies

(00:21):
Tapes we're talking talking talking about tapes. Hello, Captain Boomies.

Speaker 2 (00:27):
Oh hoy hoy, Hello.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
TV star Captain Boomies, who didn't tell me about our
show and I didn't have time to buy a yacht
and be on the show.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Yeah, these things happen. I'm sorry, but.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Also I can't afford a yacht. Patreon dot com slash
Hack the Movies Patreon dot com slash ACKed the Movies. Hello,
we are on a boat.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
We are welcome aboard.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
I'm on a boat. I remember that song from two
thousand and something.

Speaker 2 (00:53):
Yeah, people remind me of it a lot.

Speaker 1 (00:55):
Oh really, do they a lot? Yes, we decided we
wanted to view a movie on a boat. Yeah, what
better movie than Cutthroat Island. You know, I review a
lot of Renny Harlan movies on the show. I did
die hard to die harder. We did Nightmare and Elm

(01:16):
Street for The dream Master and recently. If you're wondering
if his career bounced back from this, we did. Deep
Lucy Oh still directing to this day. Yeah, so I
guess I just really like Ready Harlan movies. I don't
know why, but yeah, today is cutthroat Island. This is
a mess.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
I you know.

Speaker 1 (01:40):
It was pretty, It was pretty? Did you you know
problems really start off. Sorry, it's really noisy here on
the high seats. I'm hoping the mic is cutting most
of it. Movies is like, let's fill about a boat
next to a guy buzz Solly and a million and
a million Hellica, there's one right there. You can probably

(02:00):
see it in the camera.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
Wait just a minute. You're the one who wanted to
film on a boat, and I said, is that a
good idea?

Speaker 1 (02:06):
Don't You just said you wanted to film on a boat.

Speaker 2 (02:08):
I always want to be on a boat. I don't
really care why. But you're the one who gets seasick.
So it was weird when you asked me.

Speaker 1 (02:16):
It was a good time to finally do it. Yes,
I want to read some facts about this film.

Speaker 2 (02:23):
Let's read them.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
Okay, I forgot to write these in my notes, so
I have to pull them up here. Uh. Oh, when
you first turn on the film, you might have noticed
problems right away when it went story by and there
were like seven people who wrote the story. Oh, that's
usually a sign that something went wrong. At some point,
they have to steal credit whoever the original writers are.

(02:45):
But that's when you know it's like, oh, other people
came in, and that other people came in. This is
supposed to be a Disney movie.

Speaker 2 (02:53):
It was.

Speaker 1 (02:54):
This was supposed to be a Disney movie. It was
supposed to be a Pirates of the Caribbean film. Michael
Eisler went no, No, turned it down. So the people
who were making it, they presented it to carl Co Pictures,
who bought it for one point seven million dollars. I

(03:15):
know what you're saying. Sounds like a steal for them, right.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
Sounds cheap? Yeah, one point seven mil. This boat's worth
more than that.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
Spoiler, This wouldn't be the worst decision they made. Well,
this isn't the only bad decision they made. Okay, So
they made movies like the Rambo Films Terminator to a
lot of big action in the.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
Films that sounds successful.

Speaker 1 (03:36):
Yeah, you think they know how to make a very
successful action film.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
Yeah, anyway, Okay.

Speaker 1 (03:44):
So Rennie Harlan gets the job to direct, and Mario
Kazar is producing, and Reddy Harlan has this great idea
he really wants Gina Davis to be in the film. Now,
I don't think she was an action person. What does
Long Kiss good Night come out? That was like her
action thing that people like that was later.

Speaker 2 (04:05):
I love that movie.

Speaker 1 (04:06):
One second last, let me fact check Long Kiss good Night.

Speaker 2 (04:10):
Oh, hold on, she looks very young in this movie.
She also looks very sunburned.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was afterwards. It was afterwards and also directed by
Randy Harlan, written by Shane Black back when he was
like really good at writing. So that one was a
little bit better than this. This was not their best
first attempt.

Speaker 2 (04:29):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
So yeah, he tells them that he really wants Geena
Davis in the movie because he was married to her.
She wasn't right for the role. But they had a man,
a really great leading man, Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas. That's
that's pretty good. Yeah, they had Michael Douglas in the movie.

(04:51):
One second, I know.

Speaker 2 (04:52):
That name that's like, that's that guy. Who Oh, he's
got the voice that goes well, you know, this is
my Michael Douglas impressions.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
Michael Dugs oppressions. Well, you know, a Romancing the Stone.
He was on ant Man three, ant Man two, ant
Man one.

Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah, Michael Douglas.

Speaker 1 (05:20):
He had two conditions to play the part of Shaw.
He said it had to start immediately because he only
had a limited time and his character had to have
the same screen time as Gena Davis. Okay, making a
lot of demands.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
It's a weird requirement.

Speaker 1 (05:38):
Yeah, So he made a bunch of demands. Uh, and
then he pulled out and he was upset that they
were expanding Gena Davis's role at his character's expense, so
he left. Uh while they were building sets and everything.
I mean that happens today a lot, but big budget

(05:58):
movies usually are on greens Screensot's on I as big
of a deal.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
Yeah, every one of the sets in this film were
huge though, Like, yes, they did create Pirates of the
Caribbean like full on animatronic Disney ride.

Speaker 1 (06:13):
They did, apparently Rendy Harlan did it. Like a lot
of the set construction, but since he was so preoccupied
trying to find a male lead, you'd have time to
approve everything. So he's just kind of stuck with it.
Although they look great, I don't know what he had
in mind. They looked really, really great. Oh and then
they they rebuild some of the stuff, so never mind,

(06:34):
never mind, he did re build a lot of the sets. Okay, yeah,
very expensive, real quick. One last thing. People who turned
down the.

Speaker 2 (06:42):
Role of Shawl Okay, I'm ready.

Speaker 1 (06:44):
Tom Cruise, No, Keanu Reeves. This would have been a
big deal for Gettine ninety four. It's like right before Speed. Yeah,
that would have been a big deal. Russell Crowe, Russell crow.

Speaker 2 (07:01):
Was this role supposed to be?

Speaker 1 (07:04):
I mean, it's a pretty huge role in the movie.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
It doesn't feel like it.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
Well, we'll get to why. Uh Liam Neeson, Jeff Bridges.

Speaker 2 (07:13):
No way, that would have been awesome.

Speaker 1 (07:16):
Ray Fines really, Charlie Sheen that actually Charlie Sheed. No
one with who they got. Unlike Charlie she would have
been a step above that guy. That actually would have
been pretty decent.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:28):
Michael Keaton, that would have been That would have been
Michael Keaton has this asshole thief yeah, we missed out.
Were missed out. Have we ever got Michael Keaton as
a pirate? We need Michael Keaton as a pirate. Surely
Tim Robbins Okay, okay, okay, nothing against it. I like
Tim Robbins, but that's when you're like, it is Tim

(07:48):
Robbins available? Yeah, Daniel day Lewis really mm hmm, Gabriel Byrne.
They eventually settled on Matthew Modine, my co star in
The Dark Knight Rises.

Speaker 2 (08:02):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (08:02):
Also Joker from Full Metal Jacket.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (08:06):
Yeah, they settled for him. Not not the leading man
of your multi million dollar nineties blockbuster.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
I mean the whole time, he's just doing his best
Princess Bride.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
He really Yeah, we were talking about this beforehand. He
really is trying to be carry always. He really wants
to be carry always.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
I also want to be carry always.

Speaker 1 (08:31):
You know who didn't want to be in this movie?
Gena Davis. I guess at some point she decided she
didn't want to be in this movie. Did that read
on camera for you?

Speaker 2 (08:43):
Maybe a bit? Maybe? Wait? Ready, here's my Gena Davis impression.
And I like Davis.

Speaker 1 (08:56):
I really like Geena Davis. Did you know for hundreds
of dollars. You can get a picture with Susan's Sarandon
and Geena Davis at a convention, but only if they're
standing six feet away from you with a big obstacle
in the way.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
I'm so confused. You're talking about something very they.

Speaker 1 (09:13):
So they got in trouble for years ago. They were
taking pictures with people like conventions, but they had to
be six feet apart, and then they put this weird
structure in between them and the fans, and then too
many fans are demanding refunds and they quickly stopped. It's like,
I know you guys want the buddy, but you have
to know this looks bad and no one's gonna be
happy with this.

Speaker 2 (09:32):
Why were they doing I still don't even understand that.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
I don't know why Susan Serrate and Geena Davis were
doing this in the first place.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
Huh.

Speaker 1 (09:39):
I feel like they have a good like nest egg,
right they have.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
To have Yeah, it seems like just don't like that's
just don't.

Speaker 1 (09:47):
Good money, but like you have to stand next to that.
It wasn't even it was a little too after the
COVID stuff too, So it's like you don't even have
that excuse. Oh this is yeah, it was recent.

Speaker 2 (09:57):
Oh this isn't even at their peak. Yeah, when like
people would have been like, gimme some Yeah.

Speaker 1 (10:04):
So what I'm saying is you could dress is Geena
Davis's character. You could go to a convention stand six.

Speaker 2 (10:10):
Feet away from nice.

Speaker 1 (10:13):
Let's get into this film. Let's try to figure out
why this was one of the biggest flops of all time. Okay,
I mean, I mean, you love boats and everything, you
always have. I'm sure in nineteen ninety five, in December,
you were in the theater watching this, right, Is that
when you first saw it?

Speaker 2 (10:27):
Absolutely not? And I'm trying to think why, because I
very much should have. Why didn't I see this? I
really can't tell you.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
You know what, You know what? You were probably trying
to catch the last reviewings of Carloko's other hit film
that year, show Girls. It was not a good It
was not a good year for them. It was really
not a good year. Oh. One thing I left out.
They were making an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie about the Crusades,
and they decided to pull the plug to make sure

(10:57):
this movie got made. What the world keep in mind
guaranteed hits with Arnold, they had a bunch of them. Yeah,
and they went shelve that. Right now, we really got
to get this pirate movie.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Pirate movie is crucial.

Speaker 1 (11:10):
I think at this point the only big pirate movie
in theaters was Muppet Treasure Island. Pirate movies are kind
of box office poisoned for a bit until Caribbean, and
even then that's the only franchise.

Speaker 2 (11:20):
Wait a minute, So what pirate movies were there before
this that were also bad?

Speaker 1 (11:26):
Well, Hollywood. Hollywood did like a bunch of westerns and
furio pieces. There was a time where there were like
pirate movies, but it kind of fizzled out. They were
kind of considered hit or miss. Okay, Uh, this one
was a big miss. That's one of the biggest business ever.
But let's figure out what's wrong with this film. So

(11:47):
it starts off. Credits are playing over a map.

Speaker 2 (11:49):
Yes, good, so far, so far.

Speaker 1 (11:52):
We're in Jamaica in the sixteen hundreds.

Speaker 2 (11:55):
Uh time here it is correct, it is okay, good job.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Geena Davis is the character Morgan Adams. Now this movie
came out today.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
Woke whoa.

Speaker 1 (12:09):
That's probably that's probably why we didn't see this in
the nineties. I was just like that feminism out of there.
Actually a lot of the guys who complained about that
a modern movies like, Oh, you want to go back
and watch all the things you're complaining about. It's in
Cutthrone Island. She just got dumbone in the dude. Yeah,
But it turns out he was pulling a long con

(12:30):
on her. He knew that she was the famous pirate
Morgan Adams. God bless you. He knew he was the
She was the famous pirate Morgan Adams.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
Oh disi't wasn't successful or no.

Speaker 1 (12:47):
She doesn't really have a disguise. But it turns out
she knew that he knew and she This movie's got
some pretty good puns and one liners. She got his balls.
Oh oh, but she means the balls in the guns

(13:08):
because it was the old guns where you pour the
powder and whatnot. She meant those balls. You get it.

Speaker 2 (13:13):
Blunderbuss, Yes, that's what it's called.

Speaker 1 (13:19):
Thank you for knowing that.

Speaker 2 (13:20):
Sorry, you know what.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
I probably heard that word before and I went, what
the hell does that mean?

Speaker 2 (13:24):
It's actually no, a blunderbuss can fire anything. It doesn't
have to be balls.

Speaker 1 (13:28):
Also, wind picked up a little bit boats rocking. Oh, Tony, Tony,
Tommy's not feeling too good. And now I'm reading on
a moving thing. This is gonna be great. You know what,
I purposely didn't take drava me because I thought it
was funny. I thought it would be really funny. I'll
be fine, I'll be fine. I might have to take
the hat off at some point because I'll be sweating. Okay,

(13:50):
So she took his balls. Pretty funny. She gets out
of there, cut to a big ship. In the scene
her father Harry what was his name? It was like
Harry something.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
I don't I know that. She said the word Harry
a lot, and I didn't like the way she pronounced it.
I wait, here's my genad have this impression? Yeah, Harry, real.

Speaker 1 (14:11):
Quick, per quick. Since you're doing the impressions, can you say,
I've got your balls?

Speaker 2 (14:18):
Okay, I've got your balls? How she said it, That's
exactly how she said it.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
You're right about her performance because it's usually this and
then when she tells like a one liner, she goes
and then the rest of the movie she's like, like
you could tell like I feel like that. I see
this in some movies you could tell like days where
they wanted to be there in days when they didn't
want to be there. Yeah, and if you ever watch

(14:47):
an indie film made by some teenagers called Thugs Versus Dinosaurs,
you'll see me doing that same thing where I'm half
asleep most of the movie except for one day where
I actually got rested. I'm like talking and stuff and
holy shit, this thing started rocking.

Speaker 2 (15:00):
Anyway, you can do it, Tony, I believe in you.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
So she gets told that Morgan's father wants her. He's
got in trouble with his brother, Dog Dog Dog, So
her and her pirates they take off to a beach.
A lot of slow motion in this Yes, I don't
think this movie needed to be two hours and five minutes.
Probably could have cut down on the slow motion.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
Is that how long it was?

Speaker 1 (15:26):
Yeah? I feel like Zack Snyder watched this movie and
he was like, he was like the only fan of
this movie. He's like, Wow, not a good script, bland
actors and slow motion. I'm gonna make a movie just
like this one day.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
But longer, but even long.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
So she tackles some poor guy, it takes his boat.
Was that a pirate. Was that a guy she do?

Speaker 2 (15:54):
I don't know. And that's part of the problem, is like, okay,
take the boat lady like that. I mean she's a pirate.
He's a pirate.

Speaker 1 (16:02):
That really is a problem with like pirate movies. It's like,
I hope the good guy wins, Like, well, the good
guy's a pirate. I mean, you can try to add
some morals to them, but like they're great. So Dog
has her dad on a plank and he wants information
about a map to Cutthroat Island. We learned that there
are three pieces of this map. Dog has one, Harry

(16:25):
has one somewhere, and Uncle Mordecai has one. So three
brothers all got a piece. I think it was their
grandfather's money or treasure something like that. Okay, So he
wants the information. She's rushing to save her dad. She's
rushing during the daytime on her boat, and it will
cut to her dad on the ship at nighttime, and

(16:49):
then cut back to her in daytime, and then cut
back to him on nighttime and then back to her
in daytime.

Speaker 2 (16:54):
Were we supposed to interpret that as it took so
long that it was day when she started rowing and
by the time she got there.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
No, no, that would be fine. The problem is they're
cutting tonight then back today. Yeah. No, I think they
just cause again a lot of on location stuff, which
is very expensive. Now I understand why movies are probably
like screen screen it. Please, we can't have another cutthroat island.
Screen screen this shit, because they're probably like, let's film
the during the day and then we're like, oh, the

(17:24):
rest of the stuff was at night, and they're like, well,
fuck it, we already shot it.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
Just go to Key West. I mean like all of
this stuff could have been filmed in.

Speaker 1 (17:30):
Gas be real. So they throw him off the plank, okay,
and then she tries to grab and they shoot him
as she's like pulling him out of the water. Uh.
And he tells her it's like, hey, you gotta look
for your uncle Mordecai, but first he's dying. It's very sad.
He's like, first, you gotta shave my head. That's not

(17:53):
what he means, by the way, by shave my head. Uh.
Then we cut to a party full of people with
wigs on. Yes, now spoiler, I have not seen this
since college or maybe even high school. When I heard
that there was this really bad movie that lost a
bajillion dollars, and I checked it out and it didn't
really stick with me. So I watched it yesterday and

(18:15):
today for the first time. Technically for the first time,
as far as I'm concerned, I was ready. I'm like, Okay,
they told he told her to cut his hair. We're
now at a party full of wigs. Clearly we're going
to see her in like a wig with him. Nope, no, nope,
it's just a fancy pants British party, you know, those

(18:37):
Brits like Banny Muskets, those Brits.

Speaker 2 (18:39):
Those Oh darn.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
So we get to meet the bad up. I guess
some of the bad guys. What's his name? Oh god
damn it. It's like Aidly give me one second, one second, Ainsley, Ainsley,
and TROTTERR. They're really given this Trotter guy shit, and
I think it's just because they want to say his

(19:02):
name like an asshole. They're always like Trotter, Trotter. They're
looking at the people at the barty and they see
this fancy man hitting on some ladies, William SHAWL but
his friends call him Willie. My name is williamshaw but
my friends call me Willy and he's schmoozing on a lady. Oh,

(19:23):
he's dancing with her and everything. I can never go
back to that time. You all have to learn the
same dance and know to do the dance.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
It's not no, because it's the only thing you do.

Speaker 1 (19:36):
But like, what if you're like it's like a new
crowd and you're like, I don't know the song that
they're playing.

Speaker 2 (19:40):
I don't know, you'll know one. You won't be in
a new crowd like that just doesn't have.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
It to visit. They go to other places sometimes.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
No, it's the same people.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
We're all playing the same song.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
Yeah, it's all the same people too.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
Okay. When I think of British people, I think of
Manny Muskets and I just imagine them being better at dance,
sing and whatnot. Ah, he really came into my life
and changed my view. So they're watching William Shaw flirting.
Turns out he's not a medicine man. He's not a
doctor who knows a lot about anatomy and he says

(20:16):
anatomy and like slaps her on the button. Stuff. Turns
out he's a thief. Yeah, not a very good one,
not a really good thief. They know he's a thief,
they all start chasing him. I do like there is
some good moments of comedy. It's supposed to be like
an action comedy. The Geena Davis one liners not very comedic.
This where he does the dramatic getaway and then the

(20:38):
camera lingers and he's coming back up the stairs because
there were soldiers coming. That was kind of I actually
really like that.

Speaker 2 (20:43):
That's great.

Speaker 1 (20:44):
That actually reminded me of some Jack Sparrow stuff where
he would try to do something cool and it was
like he tries to get away and falls and stand
they're riding me of that. Yeah, I wonder I wonder
if they took some notes from Cutthroat Island.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
I mean, that's just classic. Yeah, I guess that's honestly storytelling.
How do you screw that up?

Speaker 1 (21:02):
Honestly? You know what I think? When they were making
Pirates of the Caribbean, Michael Eisner was probably like, don't
do a goddamn thing Cutthroat Island did to watch that
movie to literally the opposite that. He was probably like,
you actually make him fly planes instead of boats, and
that doesn't actually work.

Speaker 2 (21:22):
The boats don't work.

Speaker 1 (21:23):
Oh, he's arrested. Morgan is drunk and uh, what's his face? Read?
Who's like a dude who's writing a book on pirates.
He lets them know that they'll never accept a woman captain.
And I think you'd agree with me, right cap to Oh,
you probably wouldn't.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
Agree with I'll never accept a woman captain.

Speaker 1 (21:44):
Not even you, shout out to Jason Down. I finally
gave her it. Finally, I finally gave her the puppet.

Speaker 2 (21:54):
I really love it. Thank you.

Speaker 1 (21:56):
Back then it was really hard. You had to have
your dad be a pirate captain and he would have
to assign you a captain, but like not in front
of anyone, so they all doubt that you're the cat.
That's how you do it? Did it back then? But
she thinks the crew will listen to her, and she
tests it out on the monkey. The monkey does not
listen to her order she asked for, like what a

(22:16):
dependant and then it just drops it.

Speaker 2 (22:18):
The monkey's such a good actor.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
Monkey's probably one of the better, honestly, Honestly, Captain the
monkey is working the hardest in this movie. It's a mooting.
It's like expressive. It seems to really believe in its character,
whereas Gena Davis and sorry I forgot to mention, Frank
Langella is dog. Now, Frank Langella has played bad guys. Yeah,

(22:44):
he's got a very stoic bad guy stuff, but he
can also be over the top. He was in a
movie I don't know if you've heard of it called
Masters of the Universe. Whoa he was the live action
skeletor couldn't tell because he was caked in bad skeleton makeup.
But he's chewing the scene reimmation it and like that's
what I'm like. Oh, he's the bad guy and a pirate.
This is gonna be really funny. He is boring until

(23:06):
the third act.

Speaker 2 (23:07):
Yes, I'm by the third act I were checked out.

Speaker 1 (23:11):
Yeah, so Matthew Modine's doing a bad uh what we
call it carry always impression. Geena Davis is phoning it in.
Everyone else is just kind of like eh.

Speaker 2 (23:20):
For the helicopter pilot, he is doing it.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
The helicopter is working really hard.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
I mean in the movie itself. Yes, there's also a
helicopter here.

Speaker 1 (23:31):
We got the same guy. He's filming us. I'm sure
there's aerial foot I think I remember to pay him
I'm sure right now it's cutting to aerial footage around
this boat. If I paid him, I don't know if
I did or not. Sorry, let me move this.

Speaker 2 (23:46):
God damn, your hat's given you problems. Yes, well you
wanted the big hat.

Speaker 1 (23:51):
I did want the big hat. Point is the monkey
is working the hardest of the movie. It should have
gotten an oscar for the film.

Speaker 2 (23:58):
I agree.

Speaker 1 (23:58):
Now the Razzies gives worst actor. I'm sure they did
that for this, but they should have just had a spite.
They're like, best actor in the movie. Monkey se Yeah,
the monkey isn't following her orders. No, it's laughing, most
believable laugh in the film. So she goes up there
and she's like, hey, guys, I have part of the map.

(24:19):
And I'm like, where'd she get the part of that?
And she pulls her father's scalp out.

Speaker 2 (24:23):
It is a very unpleasant moment when I figured out
what she was doing.

Speaker 1 (24:28):
By the way, the whole movie is just a man's
scalp being tossed around by her. She's like, oh, let's
check the nap. Let me pull my father's scalp out.
I'm like, oh god, you never look sad when you
whip it out. I would be kind of sad of
every single time, like, oh my dad once left an
over me. Let me pull it out. It was just
my scalp.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
R.

Speaker 1 (24:52):
She tells him, like, hey, look, we're gonna get the
map from my ALCLIMORDICAI and we'll get it from dog.
We're going to Cutthroat Island. I'm the cat, look at me,
I'm the captain now. And then she throws her cutlass. Right,
that's what that thing is called. He remembered something. I
like pirates. I'm not up the date on pirates stuff.
She throws the cutlass into the ship pole, as it's

(25:16):
known among shippers, the ship pole. You know all about this.
Of course, I know boat's good, so she throws it
in there. She's like, anyone who challenges me, grab that
from the pole. And I'm sorry, sorry, Captain Boomies. I
don't mean to I don't mean to insult woke girl bosses.
But if I was on the boat, I pick up

(25:37):
that note, I pick up that sword right away, and
I feel like I would win based on everything I
saw this way, I feel like I would have a
really good chance on a fight with her.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
Yeah, you would I mean.

Speaker 1 (25:46):
They're about like fifteen guys that I'll be like, oh yeah,
we can all win this fight. So instead they listen
to her. They do sims um. Okay, So now they're
all dressed fancy, and we can see a young Christopher Masterson,

(26:06):
Malcolm's oldest brother, and Malcolm in the middle. No, no,
his brother is the other one. Okay, maybe let's not
say RAPEI really loud in front of a bunch of
people at a marina. Let's let's try.

Speaker 2 (26:22):
Sorry, that's okay, that's okay.

Speaker 1 (26:25):
Only one of us has a TV show. You say
whatever you want.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Wonder is that a better pirate word for this?

Speaker 1 (26:34):
So? Yes, young Christopher Masterson as Bowen I think is
his name? Oh god? Which just shows up? He's just
there and I'm like, wait, was he on the boat earlier?
Where'd this kid come from? So him and Read they're
walking around. I like that Read is like I'm the
only one who could pass as a gentleman. He's like,
but I got to talk to my bookie or something.
He just leaves them, and I'm like, all right, we

(26:56):
had to really screw him over. They need to find
someone who can read Latin because the map is written
in Latin.

Speaker 2 (27:01):
Oh no, you mean a romance language.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
That, yes, so guess what. Guess who happens to know Latin?
Our boy William Shall. But there's another guy who wants
William Shall because they're gonna auction him off. They're gonna
auction off. I don't know why you would want to
buy a thief as a slave. I feel like that's
a problem.

Speaker 2 (27:20):
It does seem well, maybe it's not that kind of slave.

Speaker 1 (27:25):
Okay, Well, that guy really wanted chall I forgot again.
It's kind of hard to pay attention to this movie.
I forgot why he really wanted Chilly. Well, he was
actually you know what, You're right, because he was going
to give her. He wasn't going to give him. That's
pretty funny. Yeah, so he wants seaw and Geena Davis
wants Shall. Sorry Morgan, now we have bell you know,

(27:49):
you know the Hackers episode. Right before this, I was like,
this is gonna be the most annoying one to listen
to with the typing. No, this might be a close second.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
You got it, Ambiance. It's like it's like your Inport
Royal right now, and the bells are chiming and the
helicopters are whirling, so.

Speaker 1 (28:09):
He proves that he can't speak Latin. Yes, and she's like,
all right, we'll see you later. So they're auctioned to.
I like that. There's one slave that doesn't get auctioned off,
and I'm like, all right, go hang them.

Speaker 2 (28:20):
Yeah, what was that about? That was just ugly.

Speaker 1 (28:22):
I don't know. But you know, there are people who like,
I was born in the wrong time period. I wish
I could be in the past, not me, And this
is one of those reasons. If I was there, if
I was the criminal, like, oh, they're not buying me,
I'm barely a man, just go hang I would be like,
I'd be like, you know what, save your time, take
me to the gallows. Let's so they bring him up
and it's like a bitting war between that guy and Morgan. Yeah,

(28:46):
and she eventually goes up to him and I like that.
He's like, hey, look, I'm buying the sleeve. If you
want me, you don't lend him to you, that's fine.
She goes up and shoves a knife in his ass.

Speaker 2 (28:57):
Yeah, that happens.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
I've ever been to an auction. I don't know if
this is allowed.

Speaker 2 (29:03):
It seems questionable.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
But pirates, So yeah, she threatens him and he gives up,
so she buys him. While this is happening, two soldiers
are like, oh my god, that's famous pirate Morgan whatever
her last name is. We know because of this really
bad drawling of her that looks nothing like her, absolutely

(29:28):
nothing like.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
Her, unlike my fabulous like that, which.

Speaker 1 (29:32):
Looks exactly like you. I know, when he proved that
he spoke Latin, he said that she's beautiful and he
wants to wash her feet.

Speaker 2 (29:43):
Is that what he said?

Speaker 1 (29:43):
Yes, he says that to her. He's like, She's like,
what does that mean? It means you're very beautiful and
I want to wash your feet. I know, if I
was her, I'd be like, anyone else know Latin? Is
there a Catholic priest on this island? They were still
doing Latin at that point. If I was her, I'd
be like, we got to look into some alternatives. This guy,
this guy were fucking near me and he's a thief
on top of it? No? Is that so? Yeah? She

(30:08):
could spot it? Uh, and she starts kicking a whole
bunch of ass. Yeah. A bunch of soldiers are coming
up to her. She's out smarting all of them. They
forget how their guns work.

Speaker 2 (30:22):
That's about getting underway again.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
I don't know if any of the I guess these
cameras would pick them up. Maybe seeah kicking all kinds
of ass. Uh. This is a fun scene though. Yeah,
she's not that dressed for a lot of it. I
actually like the scene. It's actually there's some pretty good
stunt work in the set designers, even though Rennie Harlan
said they were bad, and the stunt people on their

(30:46):
a game here and even the camera crew and everything.
Uh yeah. So they like climb shoot up this scaffolder
and it's like actually them like doing their lines and stuff, like,
holy shit, I'm Then they go on the other side,
this is clearly stunt people, and they just fall through
the scaffolding. It was a really really fun scene there.

(31:09):
It was a really cool stunt. Now her dress is off,
oh no, and they steal Ainsley's carriage and this, I
guess would be our car chase in a modern film,
this would be the car chase. And like, we don't
have cars in the sixteen hundreds, let's just make it
what you we call it.

Speaker 2 (31:27):
Well, and the boats aren't fast enough to be a
boat chase.

Speaker 1 (31:30):
So yeah, so we need we need a carriage chase.
And then let me know if you called this, do
they run over a dead guy?

Speaker 2 (31:38):
I don't know because they're let's go it.

Speaker 1 (31:41):
Yes, Well you saw that they're carrying like a body
and the body falls over and it's like a half
burnt like face. I was like, what the fuck was that?

Speaker 2 (31:50):
I don't know the point and yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
Before you have time to think about it, they they
get separated where she's like fighting people. I like that
she runs through the market up top while he's underneath,
like out the little underpass again, another really good stunt.
She like burst out of the window and lands on
the horse, perfect timing, and I'm like that was really impressive.
And then they felt the need to put the one

(32:15):
liner where she's like, I will have to return to
that market another time and shop and I'm like, but
that was a cool moment. You didn't need to put
a button on it. That wasn't even like a witty
wood liner. It was just the characters letting you know
what they want to do. At some point. Yeah, Captain,
after this, I want to like go get like a
burger or something. Oh, that was like a weird thing

(32:36):
to just bring up random You know what else is
pretty weird. Just the soldiers opening fire on their city.
Yeah yeah, how did they get how did they get
word that they had to start shooting cannons into the city.
Who went out there and told them what was happening?
Are there signals? Is there a signal? I mean, I

(32:56):
know you weren't around the sixteen hundreds, but is was
there a signal that they could put up that said
when people on the water would be like, oh they
like this, they let the signal, let's just shart shooting
the city.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
Well you did. I don't know if you know this,
but cannons aren't that easy to move, no, and reposition,
no at all. No, So I don't think I don't
think none of this makes sense.

Speaker 1 (33:21):
Also, just to shoot a one at pirate, sure, sure,
with a thief that has like the main guy's carriage,
I don't think that justifies half the city getting blown up.
Like they're blowing up everything, and I'm like, don't you
need those boats and buildings for shit?

Speaker 2 (33:35):
I was so amazed though, because it's the first time
we're like starting to blow stuff up in this movie,
and I'm like, wow, we're not that far into this movie.
Let's go. This is cool.

Speaker 1 (33:45):
Also, it doesn't help that the good guys are causing
a lot of the damage. There are no by way,
by way, no good guys in this but like the
pirates aren't. They're the protagonist, but they're not the good guys.

Speaker 2 (33:55):
No, they're scalping dead.

Speaker 1 (33:58):
They're blowing up like all these towns ruining that.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
It's gross.

Speaker 1 (34:03):
So yeah, Trotter is told if he finds them, we'll
get two hundred pounds in a promotion to captain. Oh
is that what we had to do? You had to
find a lady to become captain? No?

Speaker 2 (34:12):
I found a guy.

Speaker 1 (34:15):
Who was wonted.

Speaker 2 (34:16):
Yeah, let's well, his visa expired. I thought Africa.

Speaker 1 (34:28):
So she lets Sew know about the plan. Okay, and
she threatens his balls with a knife. While she's threatening
his balls, the dagger has the words and reverse and
she's like, the Latin is reversed. Oh my god. It's like, wait,
how did you how did you know it was even Latin?
Then it didn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 (34:46):
That's very confusing.

Speaker 1 (34:48):
He's on board. He really doesn't have a choice. Then
Reid is told by Annesley to let Morgan know she
can either just give herself up, be killed hung up.
She could uh cut him in fifty to fifty with
the treasure.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
She finds, which honestly sounds like a deal.

Speaker 1 (35:07):
Yes, And now we have this moment where like, when
is reed gonna turn he was he was given it.
It's like at some point he's gonna betray her? When
is it? So they go to another town run by
her uncle. Yeah, they're being followed, and then Morgan takes
a lady's outfit. Yes, and she pretends to be a
beautiful woman of the night sex worker. We all respect.

(35:28):
In love, they have different words for her. She's like,
all right, I'm gonna go in there and like seduce
my uncle. Pretend to seduce my uncle. At first, yo,
think how far was she going to go? Until he
was like, wait a minute, you're.

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Not here, and I know who you are, I mean
pirate daddy issues like I don't know.

Speaker 1 (35:48):
And it is, by the way, it is her uncle,
like biological. It's like it's not even like it's like
a name that they like. No, it's it's her uncle.

Speaker 2 (35:55):
It's her uncle.

Speaker 1 (35:56):
But she was flirting with the one eye guy right
before she like threatens him, but she's like, hey, asshole,
by the way, here's your brother Scalp. Sorry you had
to look at it, like, oh god, don't show me that.
She's like, give me your piece of the puzzle and
we're gonna go get this gold or this treasure. And
he's like, all right, I'll join you reluctantly, but uh.

(36:19):
His adventure is short lived because dog Dog literally by
the way, d A W G. It's literally doub Dog
and his men attack and then there's another really cool
stot of Geena Davis falling on that table. He threatens
her with an eel. By the way, some really good

(36:40):
effects in this film, the eel not one of them.
The eel was not one of the good effects.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
It's one of the only not good effects, which is
crazy because it's an important moment. Why are you gonna
screw that up?

Speaker 1 (36:55):
And he's all like, I bounced you on my knee
as a baby. I'm like, don't bring that up when
you're about to kill her with the fucking eel. Makes
him feel weird. I don't like this huge fight everyone's fighting.
I do like that. Dur In the fight, Shawl's like, hey,
can you give me the keys to get these handcuffs off?
And she goes, oh, they never gave me the keys.
That was a funny moment. That was a pretty funny moment. Oh,

(37:18):
and he stops the eel killing by causing an explosion.
Him and Bowen they like, loosen a guy's gunpowder started
the explosion. Everybody is fighting. Uh, Morgan is uh oh
wait uh Mordecai gets stabbed. I like that. Oh yeah, yeah,
dog is threatening Mordecai. A guy bumps into Dog. He

(37:38):
stabs Mordecai and then he's like, you made me kill
my brother who I was just about to kill. And
then he kills that guy.

Speaker 2 (37:45):
I actually liked that moment. That was a surprise.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
That was a pretty good Oh.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
That felt very pirate bad guy. Yes, like silly pirate
bad guy.

Speaker 1 (37:54):
Yes, uh they usually Yeah that show Black Sails. That
pirate captain was just killed his crew like left and
right hook hook did it too? When he killed Glenn
Close disguised as a man. Yes, that was the guy
that he killed. Did you know that? I didn't. That
was the guy the pirate who Glenn Close.

Speaker 2 (38:16):
I love her more now that.

Speaker 1 (38:18):
Was another Uh people our age really like Hook. But
if you go back, a lot of people didn't like Hook.

Speaker 2 (38:24):
They're wrong.

Speaker 1 (38:25):
But that was an example like a pirate movie that
should have been bigger, and it was like, okay, did okay?
But uh I revisited as an adult, I'm lukewarm on it.

Speaker 2 (38:33):
Oh no, Okay.

Speaker 1 (38:35):
Do you know who really doesn't like Hook? Steven Spielberk.
He can't even watch it apparently, which is weird because
he's made way worse movies than that. Yeah, that's the one.
That's the one. Uh see, Mordecai is dead. Shaw finds
his piece of the puzzle. It's like a piece of
wood that's written on They get cornered outside, but then

(38:57):
their crew comes to save the day. They get out
of there. Then she sees a palm reading sign. Were
those around the sixteen hundreds?

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Okay, this is the point where I started nodding off
because I'm like, I can't like Okay, there's three pieces
of a puzzle. There's it's Latin backwards flattened.

Speaker 1 (39:19):
Backwards, and there's numbers in the least.

Speaker 2 (39:22):
There's there's the cutlass in the thing. There's this boat
over here, there's a weird family dynamic. There's so many
things going on, and I'm like.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
I, well, I just he read the thing and they
were numbers and then but she had to look at
actual numbers to go. The numbers are the longitude, so
she learns the longitude. Yeah, from this palm reading shop.
I have one by my house. That was weird seeing
something that's by my house. But like in the sixty.

Speaker 2 (39:56):
Hundreds, Yeah, so you didn't actually check what the Latin
long was, though I wish I had.

Speaker 1 (40:05):
You know what, I will plug it in on Google
Map because I'm cute. We'll find out. We're gonna find
out what it is because.

Speaker 2 (40:11):
They're clearly sailing around like Thailand.

Speaker 1 (40:14):
Yeah, well they're Jamaica, Jamaica.

Speaker 2 (40:16):
They're supposed to be in Jamaica, but those islands don't.

Speaker 1 (40:19):
Obviously they probably didn't film in Jamaica.

Speaker 2 (40:22):
Like those gum drop islands are not something you're gonna.

Speaker 1 (40:27):
Find where they filmed the New if the New Jurassic
World even actually filmed in the water, and it wasn't
just on a sound stage. But there are a lot
of islands that look like that in the the Newest
Jurassic Park. Not great, but I feel like you would
like it. At least the first act. Word's mostly on
the water boats everywhere. It's the most boats in a
Jurassic Park movie.

Speaker 2 (40:46):
Gosh, I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 (40:47):
There's a big boat, there's a little boat. So dog
gets to the ship. There's a problem with the anchor,
and he's like, just cut the anchor.

Speaker 2 (40:57):
Cut it.

Speaker 1 (40:58):
I thought that was going to come into play later.
I thought they were gonna be like, we need to stop,
and then someone'sun be like you cut that, there's no anchor,
But it never came back later on.

Speaker 2 (41:07):
I would have been a very expensive choice on his anchor,
like Rerill, like they probably had more than one. Yeah,
that would be normal for those ships, but also still
a lot of money.

Speaker 1 (41:20):
Yeah, Like, well she doesn't. Money's not a problem. He's
gonna get to cut the throw to island and get
all that stuff. So I like that. The one pirate
is like, but we don't have enough food for the crew,
and he's like, oh, I'll just kill you. Why the
fuck did you say that out loud? Real quick? Some
of the people with him. Where is it here? Okay,
so there's one guy named Bishop who's bald. Yes, the

(41:43):
big scary ball guy. He was Frank from Alien three.
That's right. He was one of the five hundred bald
guys in Alien three. I know, I know, you know
every single one of their names by heart. That was right.
He was also the hook guy and Mummy and the
Mummy guy with the hook.

Speaker 2 (42:01):
Yeah, that's my tattoo.

Speaker 1 (42:02):
The other dude, I forget what his name is, the
goe with the pirate hat and a scar. That's that's
Patty O'Brien from Austin Powers, the Irish hitman with the
lucky charms.

Speaker 2 (42:14):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (42:15):
I was looking it up. I'm like, who plays that guy?
And I'm like, oh, I just talked about him in
the Austin Powers episode.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
I didn't know he was another movie Patti Obrien.

Speaker 1 (42:23):
So yeah, Morgan is pouring booze into her flesh wound.
Turns out it's not a flesh wound. She's like, all right,
here we go. We got this. Uh, this is where
we're going. We're going to this certain area and then
we'll find out where the island is specifically, and then
she just like falls over. Wait no, before she falls over.
Their plan is to go through those little islands yeah,

(42:45):
and sink dog ship because he's bigger.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
Yeah, this moment was interesting. So there's supposed to be
her ship draws less than your uncle ship, which kind
of makes sense. So if your boat is shot alower
in the water than the boat behind you, you can
go skinnier water places. Yeah, but he immediately like negates
this and it becomes the most depressing moment.

Speaker 1 (43:09):
Yeah. A second later it totally gets ignored. But then
she falls over and they're about to just like carterize
the room, and then like what's sew? I guess is
not a doctor, but he knows some doctor shit, and
he's like, hey, how about we don't do that? Can
someone get me like a plier or something. I can
pull this thing out. He's stitching her up or he's
pulling the ball out. I don't think he ever stitches

(43:30):
her up. He just pulls it out, just wraps her up.
But she knows he has the map and she kisses
him for it, but he's like, I don't actually have
the map, So this is whole Like, Okay, when are
you gonna give up the goddamn thing? So you're right
right after this dog is like, oh, she's gonna try
and sink the ship. Let's not go in there.

Speaker 2 (43:47):
It's like, oh that, yeah cool. He just poo pooed
her whole plan. And I was really bummed because I
was like, oh, that would be so cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:56):
Spoiler for the New Jurassic World, they get into a
similar thing. They're like the mosesare and five spinosauruses are
attacking us, or like we'll go to the shallow water
to lose the mosesare. But then, me as a dinosaur guy,
I'm like, yeah, but the spinosaurus could just walk up
on land. You're gonna crash your boat for this. I'm
like They're like, don't worry, we lost the one. It's like,
well about the five other ones that could just follow us?

(44:18):
Spoiler Sorry, no, it's an exciting scene. I still think
you'll like it. Ummm. Shaw secretly figures out the latitude
later that night and Morgan catches him just the latitude, uh,
and then read that night is copying the map and
the monkey spying on him, and I like this as like, oh,

(44:39):
the monkey knows, But then I'm like, who the fuck
did the monkey tell? Like the money does the one?
You even know what he's doing.

Speaker 2 (44:46):
I had real high hopes for that monkey because I
also had the same thought of like, yes, the monkey, yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:54):
Like you probably like me, I thought the monkey was
gonna go and be like pointing. I'm like, no, the
monkey has no idea when talking about No, he's probably
just like why is that guy in here? Does he
have berries for me?

Speaker 2 (45:05):
No?

Speaker 1 (45:05):
Fucking that guy. I couldn't believed because he's such a
good actor. I had so much faith in this monkey character.
I'm like, yeah, he's gonna be the one to save
the day. They get into some rough waters and then
all the windows in her quarters are just destroyed at
once boo, And then this is is this a good

(45:26):
time for a crew to commit mutiny?

Speaker 2 (45:28):
Perfect timing?

Speaker 1 (45:29):
I feel like this would the I honestly think before
the storm probably would have been the better time. But
they're like, hey, I know our boat is like really
fucked right now and the windows are blown out, but
can we have this conversation. I would have been like,
I know the one guy's trying to take over if
I was the guy underneath him, like, hey, let's do
this tomorrow. There's a lot of shit going on right now.

(45:50):
We can't be doing mutiny when the boat's about to sink.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
No, that's actually exactly when you do it, though, is hey,
you've made a lot of bad decisions. I think they
should have mutinied. She was making a lot of decisions
as a captain, get like.

Speaker 1 (46:03):
Two guys to tire up all the rest of your face.
The problem is everyone went into the captain's corners, that's true,
and we're just like, hey, we have to have a
conversation like who's outside? Oh? No, checking out side? There
were rocks all around us.

Speaker 2 (46:17):
What's going on autopilot? You know? Should I'll show you.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
She should have used it. She should have been like, well,
the first sign that you're a bad captain is no
one's outside. All those men would have been like, holy shit,
she's right, we should be out there. So he takes over.
He throws Morgan and all her followers onto one big
long boat like the quartermaster, and everyone just tosses them
off the side. Shaw breaks out of the brig Yeah,

(46:43):
and he sees them. He's like, oh, I got to
catch up with those guys, and he jumps over port jump.

Speaker 2 (46:48):
It was.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
It was a very nice jomp, wasn't it.

Speaker 2 (46:51):
I really enjoyed the way it looked.

Speaker 1 (46:52):
So again, rough waters, they survived the night, and what
do you know, if they wake up, they're a cutthroat
island baby, whoa ud? They made it to cutthroat island.
Problem is they don't know where the trail starts. There's
a trail to get to the treasure. We're like, well,

(47:14):
we're on the island, but we don't know where to
be on the island, so they're walking around. She tells
Bowen to capture a lizard, a big monitor lizard for
them to eat later. They never deliver on that.

Speaker 2 (47:26):
They never deliver on There's so many things like that.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
It was like gonna pull the lizard out door in
the fight and be like, ah, here's this. It was
gonna bite a guy's face like nothing.

Speaker 2 (47:34):
They didn't even really need to get rid of him.
I don't know, because they get rid of everybody else
in the same way. Anyway.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
It's so stupid.

Speaker 2 (47:42):
It's a dumb device.

Speaker 1 (47:43):
That's all dog trap attractor and her ship to the island.
Luckily he was able to like follow her, I guess,
and figure out where they're gonna be, or he had
the oh the other guy I think gave him the
longitude and latitude. Yep, uh so, yeah, he's on there,
he's on their trail. So someone sneaks into dogs quarters
and steals his part of the map from his neck.
But then one of those asshole spiders from Arachnophobia wakes

(48:05):
the goddamn guy up. It turns out the thief is Shaw,
who survived. But I like that they all assumed this
is actually kind of funny, but they all assume it's Morgan. Yeah,
so Morgan and her buddies are like, all right, we
gotta go sneak in, and then they hear Morgan is here,
and you see, a better actress would have been like,
what the fuck? Instead, Geena Davis went, It's like, Gina,

(48:27):
come on.

Speaker 2 (48:28):
She know it's too sunburned. I mean you could see
she had the whole movie. She's got raccoon eyed from
where her sunglasses were during the day.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
That's pretty fun.

Speaker 2 (48:39):
Yeah, it's like there's a white line right here on
her face where the sunglasses were. More thing, she was
probably exhausted.

Speaker 1 (48:47):
She yeah, here's something that happened in a bunch of
nineties stuff.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
Quicksand, Oh yeah, we get quicksand is.

Speaker 1 (48:56):
That famous John Mlaney? Things Like I thought Quicksand was
gonna be a bigger deal when I was a kid.
It turns out it's like, not really a thing. It's
not that big of a deal. So he's caught in
quicksand and they're negotiating. Yeah, they're like, all right, well
I could help you, but you got the map and
I got this, and they're debating who will screw over who,
and even he's like, you got me. I'm kind of

(49:16):
an asshole here. Let me just give you the map
and hopefully you let me out.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
Uh, I'm so charming.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
They're able to save him. They almost don't. I do
like that moment where she's like about to leave and
she's like, okay, let's get him out here. She's got
the hots for him. They did have that kiss, and
she technically bought him. He's her property, so she wants
to save her property. They combine the maps and they
look for a path which leads them to a cliff

(49:44):
seventy paces, but it only stops at this many paces.
And look, I wasn't around in pirate times. I don't
go to islands. What is a pace? Do you know
what a pace is?

Speaker 2 (49:57):
It's one full stride okay, which is.

Speaker 1 (50:01):
But up but can be vertical well, because this one.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Is just like it's just linear, so you know, go
there and go upside down.

Speaker 1 (50:11):
The map should have been a little bit more specific.
It should have been like forty paces then you're gonna
want to get some rope and then go down some paces.
It's just because they're looking there and they're like, that's
in the goddamn water, Like, what, what the fuck is
this map?

Speaker 2 (50:26):
All pirate maps have to be a little yeah extra.

Speaker 1 (50:31):
I don't know, they could have been a little bit
more specific.

Speaker 2 (50:34):
I think, Okay, I.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
Know the people who made the map, it's for them
to remember. But if someone new gets the map, it's like, well,
may you get maybe you want to give it to
your daughter. I would be like, oh, by the way,
the paces thing, it's gonna be a vertical cliff. I
just want to let you know.

Speaker 2 (50:50):
What's really interesting is so pirate maps were so valuable
more because they had mapped out where all these shallow
spots are, the big rock that are just sticking out
of nowhere are. So then if you're navigating, that's the
real value of a pirate map, not where they buried
their treasure. That stuff is like.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
It's probably all from treasure. Island. Really yeah. Yeah, so
they they go down the cliff up up. Yeah. I
was about to say upstairs, upstairs, upstairs, on the mountain,
up down the men here, dogs, men coming. So they're like, okay,
we gotta like draw them away. We don't want them

(51:30):
to know Morgans down there. I thought the exploring the
gold would be more exciting. They're like, wow, we're in
a cave. Look how sharp those rocks are. There's the gold.

Speaker 2 (51:39):
It was very sudden. I was like, wait, it was
We're not even going to see like a pirate skull
or anything.

Speaker 1 (51:44):
I mean there were some there were like a mountain
of skulls.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
I think they were just netled in with the gold. Yeah,
there was no jump scare of like, yeah, there were
no scares.

Speaker 1 (51:53):
They're like, look at a skeleton. I'm like that would
have been a good moment like Indiana Jones where all
those skeletons come. And by the way, here is where
I paused and be like, oh, clearly the big battles coming.
I pause, and I went, you gotta be there's forty
fifty minutes left in this thing. I'm like, I feel
like we were closing in on the Okay, which again

(52:14):
in parts of the Caribbean, it's like fun, I don't
really care when they find the gold because I'm enjoying it.
I'm like, oh, now there's gonna be a big battle here.
I'm like, okay, all right, how long is this fucking
thing gonna be? Well?

Speaker 2 (52:26):
You bring up a good point, and that is, in
parts of the Caribbean, they find the gold. But there's
still other threads of the plot that you're following.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
Oh, there were threads in here. When's Annsley gonna come back?
When's John Reid gonna turn on them? Is Ansley gonna
be on board with the pirates?

Speaker 2 (52:41):
Are they gonna don't care about any of that?

Speaker 1 (52:43):
Exactly? That's the difference. I forgot that Ansley guy was
a thing.

Speaker 2 (52:48):
I forgot he existed, disappeared. You keep saying his name.
I'm like, who he was?

Speaker 1 (52:53):
The fancy British guy with the makeup on.

Speaker 2 (52:56):
I literally watched this yesterday.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
The secondary villain in the movie.

Speaker 2 (53:00):
I can't remember who he is. You're like the monkey, No,
we're not talking about the monkey. Does the monkey get
like a little more screen time here?

Speaker 1 (53:10):
Oh? I think we forgot when she was being a mutinied.
I think she like signals to the monkey to hide
in the shelf.

Speaker 2 (53:15):
I'm like, oh, yeah, what.

Speaker 1 (53:17):
Were they gonna do the monkey? Were they gonna keep
the monkey or kill the monkey or eat it?

Speaker 2 (53:20):
Probably don't eat the monkey.

Speaker 1 (53:22):
Sure the fire will be like I want that monkey?
Looks cool. So Shall is hauling the gold outside and
like roping it up. She goes up top to see, uh,
where everyone is? But dogs men find her. Patty O'Brien
or whatever from Austin Powers finds or he's sitting He's
the one sitting in the tree. They find her. They

(53:44):
threaten to cut the rope while Shall's climbing the things
like we're gonna cut the rope, and he's like, I'll
cut the gold. There's four million do balloons or whatever
in here. They're really fighting over this chest, and in
my mind, I'm just like, there's so much more down there. Yeah,
there's so much more. I don't know that at some
point they do. I have an issue with when did

(54:05):
they get the rest of the gold, because yeah, because
for here, I'm like, oh, do they think it's just
that chest? Because if I was Geena Davis, I'd be like, yeah,
I cut it. That was all the gold, darn, and
they'd be like, we gotta come back to the later
for the rest of it.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
I mean, they're still going to kill her. Yeah, it's
decent pirates.

Speaker 1 (54:23):
So he's like, I'll give you the thing if you
give her to me. So of course they throw her
off the cliff and it's like what if she fucking
what if she like missed then he would have cut
the gold, like you're not thinking dog exactly? Small child
who yelled? So they jump into the water. Uh, And

(54:46):
by coincidence, Seaul washes up by Reed, who's just hanging out. Yeah,
and he's like, hey, uh, did Morgan wash up. He's
like she sure did, buddy, And you're like, here we go,
Here we go. This is the bar raye him and
it's like, yeah, let me just lead you more inland.
And what's his face is like this is pretty far
from the water. He's like, Oh, don't worry about it.

(55:07):
She's definitely there. I'd be like, you're a bad guy,
You're about to betray me. And sure enough, the Pirates
and the British Navy working together, having tea together, and
then Morgan conveniently washes up on some rocks yelling. By
the way, she's like shot. No one hears her. And
then she gets up and she's like, oh shit, there's
a bunch of bad guys. They're a very convenient spot

(55:29):
for them both to wash up. No one went out
to sea. Apparently they all just washed up at different parts.
They were right next to each other.

Speaker 2 (55:35):
They were right next to each They really were right next.

Speaker 1 (55:37):
To each other. Oh so she looked by the way,
she still has like a bullet woon and she just
jumped off a mountain and stuff, and she was repelling
down a wall and like, no, you'd beat a lot
of pain being so freaking pain. So Morgan sneaks border ship,
frees all the men from the brig yep and then uh,
she takes command of the ship, and I like, she

(55:58):
throws the mutineers off. She's like, hey, there's an.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
Island if you could swim excessive. Honestly, I would have
kept them, because yes, they're mutineers, but you just freed them,
so now they should have some loyalty. Again, I feel like,
I feel like that would have been a better story,
but I guess I don't know.

Speaker 1 (56:15):
No, we had to get rid of them. He was
the third bad guy. Okay, you have to get rid
of all the bad guys.

Speaker 2 (56:20):
You're right, you're there are three groups of bad.

Speaker 1 (56:21):
Guys, British Davy, the pirates, and then the other.

Speaker 2 (56:24):
Pirates and your dad, your dad's uncle.

Speaker 1 (56:27):
Well he counts as one of the pirates.

Speaker 2 (56:29):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (56:29):
By the way, I have it here, the monkey had
a name. It was King Charles.

Speaker 2 (56:34):
You find that out so randomly that I had like
this moment of whiplash where I was so tuned out
and I'm over here like looking for more potato chips
for me to snack on because I can't. I can't
tolerate this, and I put and I'm putting the chips
in my mouth and then they go King Charles, and I'm.

Speaker 1 (56:54):
Like, what the thank you? But I was laying in
bed watching the second half this morning. I'm sitting there
and they go King Charles and I'm like who. And
then the monkey, I'm like, that monkey had a name,
and I'm like, it's one of those I'm like, I
have to rewatch it to see if they said the
name earlier. But guess what, I'm not gonna do rewatch

(57:15):
this fucking movie. By the way, spoiler. The trailer for
this looked super exciting, so exciting, and it had the
Army by the way, that music was Army of Darkness.
That was the Army of Darkness music. It was a
very exciting They put all the good moments in the trailer.

Speaker 2 (57:35):
I wore this because yeah, she's she's riding the carriage.

Speaker 1 (57:40):
And I wore this hat and a shirt from your
favorite YouTuber Adam does Movies. Your favorite YouTuber the YouTuber
I'm trying to get you in a feud with for.

Speaker 2 (57:50):
Whatever, I don't you Adam. There we go.

Speaker 1 (57:57):
I love like, I don't understand why you want me
to fight him him? All right, so, uh, monkey has
a name.

Speaker 2 (58:05):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (58:06):
They make it seem like Trotter is in charge. They're
holding him captive. They're just like, pretend smile Trotter because
I think he gets like they're like, hey, Trotter, you're
on the boat with the pirates. You have to answer
to the pirate. And Trotter's like, wasn't I supposed to
be a captain And they're like fuck you later on, buddy,
But yeah, so he's in command and you're right, like

(58:27):
every clever thing she shouldn't be going up against her uncle,
every clever thing she's thinking of. The uncle's like, oh,
I know what she's doing, and it's like, yeah, he
probably shouldn't fight like your pirate uncle. He probably knows
your stupid pirate tricks. Yeah, it's really not. I mean,
I guess it could be excited, like, oh, how is
she gonna outsmart him?

Speaker 2 (58:48):
Wouldn't it have been nice had she outsmarted him at
any point?

Speaker 1 (58:51):
Yeah, she really does it. No, there's like, uh, you know,
the Mission Impossible movies have scenes like that where they're like,
if we do this, they might counter this, and they
imagine that scenario. We don't even get the luxury of that. No,
it's just like we're gonna do a thing, and it's
definitely gonna work. Ah fucked up again, probably because he's
a very experienced pirate who worked with my dad, who
taught me everything. I know.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
Like, none of her plans were even her plan to
seduce him, Like was it terrible?

Speaker 1 (59:18):
No, it's terrible.

Speaker 2 (59:19):
All of her plans are bad. How did she get here?

Speaker 1 (59:22):
So Morgan's getting ready to fire and then both ships
are arming their cannons quietly, and I like that. He's
just like Oh, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm
gonna like hang uh shawl right now, right now, by
the way, I felt really good and then the boat
just rocked again, and I just felt it again.

Speaker 2 (59:41):
I can't You've made it so far, You're so close.

Speaker 1 (59:44):
I'll be good. I'll be good. We're at the end
of the movie. Good news. Good news is the sun's
behind me, so I'm completely silhouetted, so they can't see
how maybe.

Speaker 2 (59:58):
They could see me a little bit. You're pretty green,
my friend.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Okay, we're good. We're good. We're good. I remember I
never throw up. That's why it sucks, because I feel
like throwing up would relieve it, and I.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
Just, uh, well, now, I'm like, now, he got no problem.

Speaker 1 (01:00:13):
He thought I was gonna throws.

Speaker 2 (01:00:15):
Fine, the teak is fine, We're good. I'm much more
relaxed now.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
No, I've never thrown up from the emotions. Because that's
why I hate it. I'm just nauseous and there's no
relief to it, because it's not like when you're hungover
and you throw up and you feel good. I'm like, no,
I can't even get myself to throw up. Wow. Yeah,
it really sucks. Anyway.

Speaker 2 (01:00:36):
Okay, okay, don't you dare use your camera bag if
you have to pirate tips throw up over there.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
So they're hanging shot up. They're ready to kill him,
and then she realizes. She's like, she knows him. He's
like she, oh, he's trying to draw us out. He
knows what we're up to. We better not do anything.
And then the quartermaster just shoots prematurely mhm m.

Speaker 2 (01:01:11):
I was like, oh, there was a lot going on.
I was having a hard time keeping track because things
were starting to like, yeah, pop off.

Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
I was like, I thought that was gonna be a choice.
She's like, fuck it, I really want to save him,
and it's like, oh, that guy just did it accidentally.
It's like, oh, okay, everyone starts firing. Yeah, the ships
start firing their cannons.

Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
Man the Oh. This part was really fun though, because
you did get really good shots of the boats themselves.
You could tell what the like core of the boat was,
and clearly one of them was built for exploding.

Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:45):
Yeah, it was awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
The boat that they keep saying is very big. Yeah,
I wonder which one they're gonna blow up at the end.
The problem is the boats are just next to each other. Yes,
and the camera doesn't. This is the one time the
camera's not sweeping around when it probably should. Did you
ever see the movie The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio, Oh,

(01:02:09):
Howard Hughes. They mentioned that part where they're like, we
have all this plane footage, but it looks lame because
it's not against anything. They're like, we have to film
this against clouds or something. That's kind of how I
felt with the boats. I'm like, well, the boats are
just kind of there, like can we get and again,
Pirates of the Caribbean years later had the boats with
the clever camera movements and.

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
Stuff, so it would have been fairly accurate.

Speaker 1 (01:02:30):
Though again accurate, it's not the most visually appealing thing. Yeah,
I agree, I agree, Yeah, yeah, it could have been
shot a little bit better. Instead, they're like, let's do
slow motion and then cut to wide shots of the
boats just kind of slowly going next to each other.
And then I swear to god, Geena Davis is on

(01:02:51):
the boat, she's having her boat fire the ship next
to them, but I feel like the cannons behind her
are going off. I didn't know if they were being
shot or if the cannon's behind her were just shooting
because I was like, who are they shooting at? There's
no one behind him. Why are those cannons going off.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
Propulsion to make them go closer to them? How does
that work?

Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
Also the other cats, I don't know, so, yeah, you're right.
The next thing is just it's just madness. She's swinging
over to the ship. They're swinging over to their ship.
She's looking for the gold.

Speaker 2 (01:03:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:03:28):
Uh, everyone's shooting and stabbing each other. And then this
is when uh, what's his name, Franklinjella starts hamming it
up where he goes to goes I love this, I
love it, and he's like, I just want to stab
I don't even to shoot about the gold anymore. And
I'm like, where was this character the whole movie?

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
He's the whole movie.

Speaker 1 (01:03:48):
You've been dealing with this. I want that map. You'll
give me the map.

Speaker 2 (01:03:54):
Here's my dad's head, give me your dad's head.

Speaker 1 (01:03:57):
And now he's just he's hamming it up. He's stabbing
everyone like this, this was awesome. There's this skeletor I
know in love come on, oh yeah, I'm guessing.

Speaker 2 (01:04:10):
I know.

Speaker 1 (01:04:10):
They made a video game from this. Do you think
they made toys because her dagger that turns into three daggers.
Oh yeah, that things looks stupid as hell. I'm like,
was that a toy?

Speaker 2 (01:04:24):
It looks like a toy.

Speaker 1 (01:04:25):
Well, we have to see how well the hook toy
line did. If that's tank, they probably didn't make toys
for this. There was video game though, was one. So yeah,
I guess at some point the pirates went back to
that cave and got the rest of the gold because
it's there. Yeah, they were really fighting over that one
chest when really they were like, well, let's go just
go to that cave, see if anything else is down there.
So it's all in the bottom of the boat, the

(01:04:48):
boat bottom as it's called amongst boat boat men.

Speaker 2 (01:04:53):
I know boat's good seamen.

Speaker 1 (01:04:57):
Joey C knows that pretty good. No, not the one
of my shows. Joe se a different Joey C.

Speaker 2 (01:05:06):
I think I've sailed with him her what I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:05:10):
So shaw is trying to free the gold in the
boat bottom. Meanwhile Morgan causes an explosion and then this
pins Shawl against all the gold while everything's sinking, and
then the quartermaster and Bowen. I guess they get stuck
fighting alien three guy. Yeah, that is actually kind of
brutal with like the wheel. They're like breaking his hand
in the wheel, Like, ah, oh, Trotter's a pirate now

(01:05:36):
he's betrayed the British Navy and he's just like, the
Navy's not for me. He was the night of promotion
that would set.

Speaker 2 (01:05:42):
Me off a pirate's life for me.

Speaker 1 (01:05:46):
Yo, yo, you knew that in their heart of hearts,
they wanted that line in there. They're like, no, Eisner
will kill us if we use that line. Yeah, so
he's a pirate. Now. Morgan finds Shaw and he's like,
help me, I'm drowning. She's like, one second, I gotta
kill my uncle. And I would have been like, how
about you free me and I can help you kill

(01:06:06):
your uncle? What the fuck?

Speaker 2 (01:06:08):
All of your plans have failed so far when it
comes to him. How about how about you do it different?
How about you do a different.

Speaker 1 (01:06:15):
Hey, more you have anyone else fight your uncle? He
seems to be three five ten thousand steps ahead to go.
By the way, By the way, if I get stuck
in the bottom of this boat, will you promise to
help me and not leave to go kill your uncle.

Speaker 2 (01:06:27):
I'll do my best. I'll do my best.

Speaker 1 (01:06:32):
Your uncle's gonna be walking over there like Tony. I
can't do the rest of the episode. I gotta come
kill my uncle.

Speaker 2 (01:06:37):
And then I'm so sorry. Take a deep breath, you'll
be all right.

Speaker 1 (01:06:44):
So uh so she puts a pin in saving him.
She goes to fight, and then they make it all
the way to the top of the ship or the
ship top as it's called the ship said earlier, the
ship top in the the birdie.

Speaker 2 (01:06:58):
Nest's I mean, the effort you would have had to
take to not use crow's nest right there is impressive.

Speaker 1 (01:07:06):
I wanted to call it the bird box. Actually is
what it's called. The bird Box. Bullets movie is named
after the bird box on one of those boats with
the poles, the pole boats as.

Speaker 2 (01:07:20):
The pull boats. There actually are such thing as pole boats.

Speaker 1 (01:07:23):
Oh fuck the shaft boats. The boat shafts.

Speaker 2 (01:07:27):
Well, that's also a thing. Actually, we like fake.

Speaker 1 (01:07:31):
Something, the the pointy saily boats. The joke's over anyway,
they're fighting. By the way, I keep imagining that someone's
just been listening to the.

Speaker 2 (01:07:49):
This is Baltimore.

Speaker 1 (01:07:50):
What if we ran into the one, like, hey are
you talking about cut through an island from why?

Speaker 2 (01:07:56):
Yes, can I come up with you? Welcome aboard?

Speaker 1 (01:08:01):
He's got Geena Davis tattooed on his back away, so yeah,
they're fighting. They end up back in the boat bottom
and she's like, he's like dead, he's dying, and uh,
what's his face?

Speaker 2 (01:08:15):
What else was he doing? Wait?

Speaker 1 (01:08:16):
Wait? How many falls is she going to survive in
this movie?

Speaker 2 (01:08:19):
So many?

Speaker 1 (01:08:20):
And reminder, she still has a bit stitched up. So
many that cut is just opening left and right. So yeah,
she falls all the way down through the bottom of
the boat, and uh, what's his face? Dog is doing
the classic thing where the bad guy's talking too much.
He's like blah blah blah, and I will do this
and I will do that. And then she's like, I

(01:08:42):
got a fiery stick and he's like, what are you
gonna do with that? Kill me with your fire sticks?
She's like, nope, this cannon. So conveniently she landed next
to a fiery stick, actually falling through a basement.

Speaker 2 (01:08:55):
No, she she intentionally covered up that cannon, and I
remember thinking, oh she did. Yeah, Oh you didn't notice
it because it was badly shot. I noticed it because
I freaking love canons. No, why are you covering the no.

Speaker 1 (01:09:10):
By the way, By the way a movie where someone
falls in a basement and a piece of wood helps
them beat the bad guy. Anaconda a few years before. No,
not ana Arachnophobiaphobia a few years before this. Jeff Daniels.
That's probably why he turned this movie down. It's like
the ending is too similar to Racmophobe. He falls in
the basement, Spider's coming. That piece of wood gets the

(01:09:31):
spider because the spider was also taking its time. It's
He's just a remake of aractophobia. I think we all
figured it out.

Speaker 2 (01:09:37):
She's just a remake of ractophobia. They even covered the
cannons on the IRAQNID.

Speaker 1 (01:09:43):
Oh yeah. So she shoots him and I'm gonna have
you do the honors of saying her one liner.

Speaker 2 (01:09:50):
Bad dog, bad dog. That's how she said it.

Speaker 1 (01:09:56):
I'm not kidding now, I got I got confused with
this ending. So she shoots him. He goes through the wall,
through the captain's quarters and then I don't know where
this came from. It cuts to a Mannikin being shot
out of the boat. I don't know what happened to dog,
but Dog got shot, and then it cuts to a
very obvious mannequin that's not fooling anyone being blown out

(01:10:18):
the back of his boat. And I don't know what
happened to Shaw. I don't understand.

Speaker 2 (01:10:24):
I mean, this movie should probably be retitled to cut
the threads of all the plot. Cut the threads because
they're not going anywhere. They make no sense.

Speaker 1 (01:10:36):
Just cut them. Dogs did or is he? I don't know,
maybe he survived again, it didn't cut to his body.
It cut to a mannikin being blown out the back.
So Morgan Freeshaw finally right before he dies, and she
almost stays behind to grab the treasure and he's like,
what are you doing? Get out of here. She's tying

(01:10:57):
up a barrel or something. They both get out as
the ship's exploding. It's a solid explosion.

Speaker 2 (01:11:03):
It's a good one.

Speaker 1 (01:11:09):
The demolition team on this is solid. They were they
were killed. I felt I actually almost feel bad for him.
They're like, we did our best work, and they like, beautiful,
did you guys see the work we did? Like, I
know we didn't see that movie.

Speaker 2 (01:11:20):
Oh fuck, well what sex is? I The whole movie
is worth this explosion? Yes, as terrible as it is,
it's all saved in this one moment.

Speaker 1 (01:11:32):
Although problem they show that in the trailer. Oh sooney,
So someone probably left the theater and be like, hey,
the coolest part of the movie was in the trailer,
and everyone went, well, I'm not gonna watch that. Then uh, yeah,
everything blows up. It's great effect. And then uh they
managed to say, oh god, there we go a get.

Speaker 2 (01:11:50):
Yeah, we're rocking a bit. I saw you. I saw you.
Look at your notes and go hang in their sailor.
You got this.

Speaker 1 (01:11:58):
You're near in the end, We're near close. Okay. So
uh she managed to tie a barrel to it, which
would track where the gold is. How they went down
and got it, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:12:14):
I mean presumably it's floating with the barrel. I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:12:22):
It was just one tiny barrel. Do you know how
much gold is on that?

Speaker 2 (01:12:24):
That would all because they lay it.

Speaker 1 (01:12:26):
Out on the ship and it's like the whole the
floor of the ship as it's called the ship floor,
the ship floor. Yeah, obviously they.

Speaker 2 (01:12:35):
Put supposed to be correcting you, is that what's supposed
to know?

Speaker 1 (01:12:39):
It's actually funny that you're becoming frustrated and going along
with it because I'm trying to. I'm glad I finally
broke you.

Speaker 2 (01:12:46):
You finally did I was. I wasn't going to let
you I.

Speaker 1 (01:12:51):
Get away with this.

Speaker 2 (01:12:52):
I'm gonna start rocking this thing back.

Speaker 1 (01:12:57):
She gets them all the gold and she's like, we're
gonna split it up. Or what's his face? Mister? I
forgot to write his name down, and I don't want
to say black guy, but that guy is gonna split
it all up. Okay, he's gonna divide it all up
for us, and we're all rich and you can do
what you want, live how you want, and she goes
or or we can keep being pirates. And then again,

(01:13:21):
if this was like a really good comedy, the crew
would have been like no, and then it would cut
to her and just the one guy. I would be
funny and said, they're like, we're just kidding. We love
almost being killed every single day. Why retire and become
a farmer. We're gonna hang out with you pirates here,

(01:13:41):
and that's the end, real quick course.

Speaker 2 (01:13:43):
My phone, congratulations, you did it. What have you lost now?

Speaker 1 (01:13:47):
My phone? Brother? It is because I want to look
up how much money it lost.

Speaker 2 (01:13:52):
So as I'm looking that up, it had to be
so much money. I'm gonna take a guess here, because
just the amount of helicopter shots and those boats, which
I know they must have built those boats specifically for this,
especially knowing that the Beggar one is the one that
got kupooped. So I gotta say they must have spent

(01:14:12):
one hundred million dollars.

Speaker 1 (01:14:14):
Okay, okay. Cutthroat Island, Yeah, had a total production budget
of ninety two to ninety eight million dollars, though some
put the figure as high as one hundred and fifteen million.
I don't know if this is a JUSTI for inflation,
so just take that. Uh, this is a ninety eight
million dollar movie in nineteen ninety five. This is not

(01:14:36):
what you want to hear. It debuted at number thirteen
at the US box office.

Speaker 2 (01:14:43):
Oh I feel I feel seasick.

Speaker 1 (01:14:45):
Now you want you want to get sigger? The total
gross in the United States and Canada is only ten
million dollars. Is that internationally? It did? Sometimes a movie
could be saved internationally. Not in this case. It grows

(01:15:05):
six million for a worldwide total of sixteen million dollars.
You're already In twenty fourteen, the Los Angeles Times listed
the film as one of the most expensive box office
flops of all time, while the Guinness Road Records listed
it as the biggest box office bomb of all time.

Speaker 2 (01:15:26):
Guinness pays attention to that stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:15:28):
Uh it is in hold on what does it say
it is? It is no better ranges varied than the
fifth worst money loser of all time, allowing for inflation
as of twenty twenty three, So it is still one
of the biggest box office bombs of all time. Do
they have a list here? Uh? Where is cutthrown island?

(01:15:51):
Oh it's alphabetical. I thought it was like a list
from worse to best.

Speaker 2 (01:15:54):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (01:15:55):
Yeah, so this killed that studio, Like I said, they
came back for a little bit like Terminator or three
starts off with that studio's logo. Okay, and then I
think it folded again afterwards. But yeah, so much money
went in this. It doesn't you know what's funny. It
doesn't even like get made fun of as a big
bomb like water World wasn't like actually like it was

(01:16:17):
a critical failure. But like we did the whole water
World episode which is similar to this, it's tried to
do too much, too expensive. Acting is not the best.
But like that one actually turned some provid. But like that,
people still make.

Speaker 2 (01:16:29):
Fun of that one, Yes, because they actually saw it.

Speaker 1 (01:16:32):
Yes, people actually ended up seeing that one enough to
make fun of it, made fun of it in the
Simpsons stuff. No one talks about Cutthroat Island, No, no
one except for us apparently. Yeah, unless the only reason
you ever were to bring this movie up is to
mention that it's a box office bomb. But no one

(01:16:53):
ever mentions what's in the movie, why it was so expensive,
what's so bad about it? I really thought I was
going to go in and think this movie was okay.

Speaker 2 (01:17:02):
I thought so. I was hoping. I was like, oh
hit in gem that I just don't remember.

Speaker 1 (01:17:06):
I didn't think it was gonna be great. Okay, I'm
like that probably was fine enough. Maybe we're just critical
back then, But yeah, the acting kills it. They should
be in jail, police officer car, that's what it's called,
a police officer car. My dad's like, my dad was
a copman, I know these things. So yeah, the acting

(01:17:30):
kills it. Matthew Modine is trying, but like you said,
he's trying to be carry always which doesn't work. Geena
Davis clearly didn't want to be in the movie, trying
to get out of it.

Speaker 2 (01:17:42):
Was she jet lagged?

Speaker 1 (01:17:44):
Was she imagine your husband working really hard to get
this movie made and to get you in the movie.
You're like, get me the fuck out of this movie.

Speaker 2 (01:17:51):
I mean, I make content with my husband. He is,
he knows what he's done.

Speaker 1 (01:17:59):
He knows.

Speaker 2 (01:18:02):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (01:18:02):
Yeah, So the bad Eye sucks. The supporting cast isn't great.
There's some competent actors. I know, those people over there
cheering love the supporting us not so much. That's not
so much.

Speaker 2 (01:18:16):
They were cheering for the monkey.

Speaker 1 (01:18:19):
Why didn't I do more outdoor episodes? I don't know.
I don't know why I don't do more outdoor episodes.
It's because I'm super silhouetted. Yeah, but yeah, this was.
This is a rough experience. There's again, just watch the
trailer because there is some good cinematography, there's some really
good stunts and all that you get in the trailer.

(01:18:41):
You don't have to watch the full movie because the
full movie is not worth it. Although it did make
me miss the days where Hollywood would put a ton
of money into actual sets. Now they put a ton
of money into just visual effects and actors paychecks, where
it's like he didn't need to spend that much goddamn
money on fucking John Cena or whatever. See, it made

(01:19:02):
me a little nostalgic that you could take a big
swing and miss at that point. But like I said,
Renny Harlan bounce back. He still does movies to this day.
He's doing the Weird He's doing The Strangers reboots The
Strangers where like the Home Invasion Slasher, I believe you. Yeah,
they made like two and then they were like, let's
remake it, but with Rennie Harlan this time. Anyway. Uh

(01:19:25):
so he bounced back. He's fine, But yeah, this movie
will not stand the test of time. How did you,
as someone who likes boats, a boat dope as they're called,
really really struggling, You know how hard this is the
thing of jokes while trying not to like get super helptial.

Speaker 2 (01:19:45):
Honestly, you're doing great, and I'm secretly grateful though that
all of these annoying.

Speaker 1 (01:19:50):
By the way, it doesn't help that I'm talking NonStop.
That makes me want to get sick even more.

Speaker 2 (01:19:54):
I know that's actually one of the tricks is you're
supposed to shut up and sit at the helm.

Speaker 1 (01:20:00):
Oh you're not supposed to talk about Cutthroat Island for
two hours. You're telling me this now, Yeah, I had
no idea. I did know these things.

Speaker 2 (01:20:10):
This is not my idea. I don't care like you lie.

Speaker 1 (01:20:13):
To them about your Your husband suggested the movie.

Speaker 2 (01:20:17):
That's true, he did suggest the movie.

Speaker 1 (01:20:20):
Yes, that was actually a really good suggestion.

Speaker 2 (01:20:22):
He's got a thing for Gina Davis.

Speaker 1 (01:20:24):
I think it'll hit. I think it will hit the
thirtieth anniversary, which again, those people are really thrilled about.
I think the thirtieth anniversary is this December coming up,
So we got we got to it early. We got
to it early. Let us know what you think about
cut Throat Island. Did you love it? Do you hate it?

(01:20:44):
Do you even know it exists? Did you forget it
even existed? Let us know, Captain Moomies, I am.

Speaker 2 (01:20:52):
Captain Boomis Hollai find me anywhere.

Speaker 1 (01:20:57):
On Instagram and and what just anywhere.

Speaker 2 (01:21:01):
I'll be on a boat though.

Speaker 1 (01:21:02):
Did you have a show or something? Oh? Yeah, Why
every woman on this channel is so bad at plugging.
I don't get one.

Speaker 2 (01:21:14):
The Design Network it's called The Yacht Life, my TV
show starring me where I go around talking about boats
and boat design and it's fabulous. Enjoy.

Speaker 1 (01:21:24):
This is your third goddamn here on the show. You
gotta know this by now.

Speaker 2 (01:21:28):
Look, I'm just here for the puppets.

Speaker 1 (01:21:30):
Please like, share, subscribe, become a Patreon member even if
it's free. You get the free podcast feed on there,
you get better notifications. Sorry, I just watched red Letters video.
Apparently YouTube added a thing called restricted mode to a
bunch of people's YouTube accounts in August, and apparently it
was automatically turned on, so it'll hide some videos. I

(01:21:51):
don't think I was hurt too much about it. Uh,
but hey, if you're on YouTube right now, go to
your settings and please turn off restricted mode if it's
all one for the love of God. But because YouTube
sucks like that, Patreon will let you know whenever a
video is up it's got better notification. So do that.
I'm gonna pack up now and try not to die.

Speaker 2 (01:22:13):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (01:22:14):
What's a what's a good uh sign off? Huh? Bond voyage?
You're that's when anything goes, that's a deep cut to
anything goes anyway. That's it. From us goodbye. Remember to like,
comment and subscribe. Check out our other videos and Patreon
page

Speaker 2 (01:22:33):
Talking about tapes