June 30, 2025 • 20 mins
A recent study out of Washington University says that having a spouse or romantic partner who is both diciplined and dependable can significantly impact job satisfaction and even a person's ability to get promotoed.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Hacking Your Leadership. I'm Chris and I'm Lorenzo.
And Lorenzo.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
In today's episode, I want to talk about a post
that I saw on LinkedIn.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
From Daniel Pink. He's a fantastic author.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I've read a few of his books, and he he
made a post about something that he saw, a study
from Washington University that talks about the importance of spousal
relationships when it comes to your own successes at work.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
And I thought, that's this is an interesting one.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
I want to This has the potential of going the
way where people read it and get up in arms
and and kind of triggered by it, and it has
the potential of it being, you know, very helpful. Let's see,
let's see how Daniel writes this out right. So I
read through it, and it's it's enlightening because you know,
it's it's impossible to read through this and not think
about how that lens applies to to your own situation
(00:51):
as you're reading it.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Oh, is this is this what I experience? Or is
this not what I experience?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
And the study that he mentions in this LinkedIn post
talks about how job satisfaction, income and the likelihood to
get promoted are all raised in situations where a person's
spouse has a specific, you know, few traits. And I
think it's important when when you read this that it
(01:18):
can be written from the perspective of any person talking
about their spouse or partner. And if you are in
a situation where you are in a relationship and you're
trying to decide whether or not the person you're with
is the right person for you long term, it you know,
if your career is important to you, then these things
(01:38):
might be important to look forward to make sure that
you know your potential future spouse or partner has and
the traits that Daniel talks about, or how he puts it,
the secret Sauce is having a spouse or a partner
who is both disciplined and dependable, and it absolutely cuts
both ways. And in spousal relationships where your dual income,
(01:58):
it absolutely cuts bath ways, like right, because there this
is something that is both people need to kind of
assess this about each other. If you are in a
situation where both people in the relationship want to work.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Yeah, I think it's as you kind of called out,
like whether it's an current relationship or maybe even a
future relationship. These are things to consider to think about,
and it plays out both ways. It's also like it's
not just a one person has the job careers last
year the other person doesn't, the same types of things
have an impact on even if both people have a
(02:31):
career and looking for potential opportunities of promotion, There's gonna
be decisions that may have to be made at some point,
but having discipline and being dependable for one another is
the critical aspect here. And I love that the study
track like job satisfaction, income, and likelihood of promotion. So
I kind of looked at a large range of how
(02:51):
having someone that's a partner who is disciplined and dependable
can impact these types of things and showcasing that these
things have a positive impact when you have someone who
is disciplined and dependable. And I think to your point too,
as you're reading the article, of course, you immediately start
to think about like either current relationships or times in
(03:12):
your life where maybe things were different, and you start
to do kind of the math in your head around
looking at you know, you were you able to get
more accomplished at work as a result of maybe a
relationship that had dependability and discipline in it, and then
(03:33):
maybe you may have been stuck or maybe have not
seen the career growth or trajectory as a result of
maybe a relationship where you did not have those types
of things. And so I think that there is a
great amount of conversation here, a great amount of dialogue here,
and if you're thinking about building career, it is absolutely
critical that you have a spouse or partner that you're
(03:53):
having these conversations with so that you know you're able
to have dialogue around what would this look like? What
are the things that would stop us from potentially looking
at an opportunity or a promotion, What are the things
that allow us to have, you know, a kind of
a safe haven at home and things that work for
(04:15):
both people Like that dialogue is critical if you're looking
to have a relationship that really supports either one of
you in having these opportunities, you know from a work standpoint,
because when you when you don't have that level of
safe haven at home, you know what that feels like.
I think most people could say, like, yeah, like it
doesn't like I like you you're more tired to walk
(04:37):
in the door at home than you were at work
all day, and those things make it really difficult to
be your best at work. So I think that it's
like it is really important that if your if your
career minded, and you're thinking about future growth and future potential,
that at minimum you have somebody in your life that
you can talk to about these things, that they can
be a part of the dialogue and conversation, and that
(04:58):
you can make the best decisions not just for you
or for them, but for the the you know, you
as a couple and or you as a family. And
I think that's the type of dialogue that can be
tough at the beginning, but once you start to build
that consistency and trust the conversations, it makes it much
easier as you go into the future.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Right, right, So, first of all, I want to make
something clear here. Uh, if you look back in time
at maybe times when you know, were less likely to
get promoted, your income was lower, you know, you had
less job satisfaction, it might not you know, it's not
definitely your spouse or your partner. It might It might
be you too, right, So you might the problem might
lie with yourself.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
It just means that in fact, it's more likely to
lie with yourself. At the end of the day, we.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Have more of an impact on those things than our
than our spouse does. But the point of the study
is that that relationship, your your primary relationship, the most
important person in your life, that matters a lot. It
does have an influence. And no matter what you you know,
you take two people who are both really good at
(06:00):
their job and you know, really highly satisfied with their job,
and one of them has a spouse or a partner
who is dependable and disciplined and the other one doesn't,
it's likely that that makes a difference between the two.
That could be a deciding factor between the two. So
when you're when you're kind of figuring out whether or
not the person that you're with is this, is this
(06:21):
a potential long term thing or or not? These are
the things to consider. And and I know that there
have been times in you know, my career where I
have felt, you know, more or less likely to want
to take on a role with another organization or to
to move because I was worried about, you know, losing
a relationship that I was in versus you know, U
(06:43):
versus you know, being one where I know my my
partner would come with me if I if I was
going to get promoted, that makes a big difference. And
I think the you know you mentioned at the beginning
can be it can be difficult to have these conversations.
I think the reason why it can be difficult to
have these conversations that beginning is that, you know, for
this to work, and let's just assume that you have
(07:05):
two people who are both working. For this to work,
both people have to prioritize what's best for the couple
and the family versus themselves. But in any decision, it
is likely the decision will end up benefiting one person
more than the other. And if you don't have the
(07:26):
history of lots of those decisions where both people can
kind of look back on it and say, oh, this
might have appeared like the decision was made because it
benefited him or it benefited her. In actuality, I can
look at it over over the last few years and say, oh,
we've made We've made several of these decisions, and a
lot of them have benefited me, not them.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
A lot of them have benefited them, not me.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And you start to kind of have this this kind
of quiet assurance of like, oh, okay, it might seem
like in the moment, in like you're looking at it
on a microscope. This one decision did benefit one person
over the other. But if both people are truly invested
in the relationship as a whole, it will even out
over time. There's no way it won't because there's an
(08:12):
inherent kind of belief. You know, you can you kind
of know what's best for the family, you know, in
the you know, if you kind of take a moment
to look at yourself in the mirror, you know whether
something you want to do is just benefiting yourself or
if it's benefiting the family or the couple or the
long term benefits of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
No, And I think too it's it can be difficult
when you have battling priorities. I think it's one of
the things that outside of even just careers and and
maybe like you know, who advances to what or what
job is more important? And they like people have those
conversations and you think about things like, well, what's the
(08:49):
higher amount of income, is that the more important job
or is this all that? Like there's a lot of
dialogue and there's a lot of depth in these conversations,
but having a true understanding of priority, I think is key,
and that's the part of the discipline that I think
is necessary in these relationships is to say, like, well,
these are the priorities that we have as a couple,
(09:09):
as as a family, or as individuals. How do those
priorities align. What's what's a priority more to you than me.
Let's talk through that. Let's understand that. And it's not
because you're you're you're you're having to make somebody change
your priorities.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
But if you're choosing to be.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
In any type of relationship, that's kind of like step
number one is there's this compromised element that happens. It
has to happen for two people versus just you, and
and like I know people that are single and have
been single for a really long time, and they will
tell me it's because they're like, I don't want to
give up my preferences and priorities. They're just like, this
is how I want to live my life. And until
(09:47):
I find someone who aligns with that really clearly, I'm
not going to step in that space because it's probably
because they've had, you know, relationships where it wasn't the
case and it was tough and it was not help
it was not good for them. But when you choose
to be in a relationship, you're also choosing to say,
we're gonna adjust priority so that we can prioritize the
(10:11):
relationship maybe over individual needs. And it doesn't mean that
you give them all up. It just means that you've
got to talk about them and talk through them if
you're going to make the best decisions possible. And when
it comes to careers and promotions and income, like having
that conversation to say, Okay, well, this is the job
that I'm in. What's the next job? Does the next
(10:32):
job require me to move?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Does the next job have an impact on schedule?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
On time? Is the next job from an hourly job
to a salary job?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Like?
Speaker 3 (10:43):
What are the things doesn't require a lot of travel?
Like having those conversations ahead of time and before opportunities
pop up are extremely helpful and making sure that you're
on the same page and that when the opportunities happen,
you're not having these conversations for them first time, because
that's when you get a lot of emotion. That's what
it becomes really difficult to think clearly and be able
(11:06):
to articulate what your priorities are, why they matter, and
the impact they'll have to both you, you know, your relationship,
your family and kind of just your day to day living.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Right because and that at that moment, if that that's
the first time you're having the conversation, it's no longer hypothetical,
it's an actual thing. That is that that has you know,
landed on your face and now you have to deal
with it. And and if you don't have a very
clear sense of what the values are, so because because
at the end of the day, this is this is
no different than you know, a leader where it's it's
(11:39):
easy to be a good leader when times are great,
you know, it's it's harder to be a good leader
when times are tougher and you have to make, you know,
tough decisions. And this is the exact same thing. If
you don't have a discussion about what your values are
as individuals and as a couple, then it would be
it will be very difficult to take the decision that
(12:00):
up and filter it through the lens of what those
values are. And if you have those conversations in advance,
when they're just hypothetical and you and you filter through
potential scenarios through the lens of what you each stated
your values are, and see what that looks like. Okay,
we are saying that we both agree that what is
(12:22):
valuable to us is.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Time spent with each other. Okay, that's what we've said.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Okay, all right, Well okay, so this job that was
just offered to you or to me will increase your
commute time or my commute time from five minutes each
way every day to an hour and a half each
way every day. Okay, So does that feel right or
does it not feel right?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Well? If it feels.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Right, well, then what that means is that what you
stated is that your your values are timed together aren't
necessarily the right value. Maybe you thought it was at
the time, but what really the value is is oh
long term career growth and progression and income, and then
you can agree on that. And so there isn't a
right or a wrong here. There's just a how do
you have the conversations and figure out what these shared
(13:08):
values are so that when the things come up you
can put them through that filter to make sure that
they that they check out. And there's no way to
do it without it actually happening. And sometimes that we
can be very clear in our own minds, this is
what's most important to me, and then something comes up
that makes us go against that thing, and we have
(13:30):
to go say to ourselves for the first time, oh,
I thought that was what was important to me. I
guess in actuality, this is what's important to me. And
as long as you have this self awareness to kind
of realize that in the moment and then also talk
about it with the spouse of the partner to say,
you know what, I was wrong. I thought this is
what was important to me, But the moment this thing
(13:50):
came up and I put it through that filter that
we discussed, it didn't check out. And I'm realizing that
this is what's important. Let's talk about this again and
figure it out and figure out this if this is
the right thing to do, because we want to make
sure that we're on the same page and that the
decisions are being made in spirit of what's best for us,
not what's best for you or for me.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Absolutely, And with that it brings us to this episode's
woman at Hack. But first a few words from our sponsors.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
All right, for this episode is one minute hack.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Here's what I wants you to do in order to
make sure that the person that you're with kind of
fits the bill for what is supportive and dependable and disciplined.
As the article that Daniel Peak is talking about states,
it's important to have a discussion about what is important
to you and for them to bring to the table
what is important to them, of course, and then to
(14:37):
put those values through some hypotheticals that are actually likely
to happen, things like, oh, what would happen if, all
of a sudden there is a child in this relationship
that we weren't necessarily planning for right away? What would
happen if one of us gets a job promotion that
would move us out of the country or out of
the state or out of the area. What would happen
(14:58):
if one of us had to take care of aging
parents at some point? And what, you know, what does
that mean for where we have to live or where
we have to be. You know, all of these things
are likely to happen at some point in the future,
and so talking about what you would do in a
situation while it's still hypothetical is a way of kind
(15:19):
of disarming it because you can, you can, you know,
kind of at least talk about it objectively and without
the kind of the emotional baggage that comes with having
to make a decision in the moment when it when
it's been foist upon you. And if you talk about
it in advance, then you have something to go off of,
like you know what feels right right, like if you
(15:40):
if you say, if this were to happen, then this
is what I think we should do, And then the
person you're talking to can can kind of say in
the moment that feels really right to me, or I
don't know, that doesn't sit right with me, I think
it should be this instead, Oh, that doesn't really sit
right with me.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
This, this sits right.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
You talk it out and and and you might come
to an impasse. It might be that if a situation
to happen, that there is no agreement on what you
want to do, and so what you would need to
do is decide what's better to take steps to make
sure that thing doesn't happen as much as you can,
or to not be in this relationship, because knowing that
(16:15):
if this kind of hypothetical becomes a reality, then it's
going to be a major stressor or strain on the
relationship or on the family if this were to happen.
And that's why it's important to talk about these things
in advance and to use them in hypotheticals, but to
really have the conversation so that you can be aligned
on what your values are.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, I think it's critical. There's something that I always recommend.
It's called the Naval podcast nav Al and he talks
about the importance of having dialogue with like wealth, health
and kind of career and you know, kind of hobbies,
hopes and dreams and things like that, but the importance
of having that conversation with your partner. And I think
(16:57):
the same exact thing I would say applies to career
growth and potential and opportunity, like having those open conversations
and the uncomfortableness that will come with that and the
dialogue around priority and what happens when the other person says, well,
wait a minute, so are we saying then that your
job is more important than mine? Or or like like
(17:18):
like being prepared to have that conversation and talk through
it and understand it and figure it out. And again, like,
if you're approaching this as a couple or partnership, then
you need to have these conversations and it will feel
a little bit awkward and weird, but you feel so
much better and aligned afterward. And that's why I think
it's it is critical to have the dialogue align on values,
(17:40):
align on some decisions, talk about the what ifs, keep
them realistic, don't go so far out and start adding, well,
what if this, and what if this and what well,
stick with just the first one, yeah, and then what
if what happens with that, and then if there's a
second one? Okay, but like keep it in context of
you know, a potential close opportunity or things that could happen.
(18:03):
And then also realize you know with each other that
things can change and you can make a different decision
later on based upon new information. So like you're also
not stuck to the plan if you're trying to define
a plan over a longer period of time. But keeping
the things in front of saying aligned on values, clarifying
your priorities, and then making sure that you're talking through
(18:25):
the next potential thing that could happen. I think those
three things will be really helpful and setting you up
for success to the future.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Right, And you also have to realize too that the
likelihood of two people being together for five, ten, fifteen,
twenty years and neither of them change is also kind
of unrealistic, right, So the idea of you know, it's
it's not that the relationships that last are the ones
where neither person changes. That's boring. The relationships that last
(18:56):
are the ones where both people change and both people
are still okay with those changes, because there is growth
and there is change that occurs within individuals all the time.
If you are if you are a growth oriented person,
then you will change and your values will.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Change over time.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
My values, Like, I mean, the single biggest thing that
changed my values was having kids, Like that was it? Like?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And I think for a lot of people that that
is the case.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
It's really hard to know what your values will be
before you before you have kids, and they will change
and there are other things that will happen in your
life that will cause you to have to change your values.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing.
It's a good thing because.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
It means you have It means you have the ability
to take in new information and make changes, as opposed
to kind of holding steadfast on something because at some
point you decided this was the right thing when you
were twenty two, and now it's all of a sudden,
like I have to stay with this thing. No, like
it's important to be able to change and to have
a person with you that wants that change and that
growth because of what it means for the ability for
(20:03):
the family or the partnership or the spousal relationship to
grow together. Those are the most successful ones. So plan
on changing, plan on your values, changing, plan on the
values of your spouse or partner changing, and knowing that
these conversations will have to happen again and again over time,
and that's a good thing. That doesn't mean that they're
flip flopping or wishy washy. It means that there's growth
(20:24):
and you have to grow together or you'll end up
growing apart.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Absolutely, And with that it brings us to the end
of this episode. This is hacking your leadership. I'm Lorenzo
and I'm Chris, and we'll talk to you all next time.
Welcome to Hacking Your Leadership. I'm Chris and I'm Lorenzo.
And Lorenzo.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
In today's episode, I want to talk about a post
that I saw on LinkedIn.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
From Daniel Pink. He's a fantastic author.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
I've read a few of his books, and he he
made a post about something that he saw, a study
from Washington University that talks about the importance of spousal
relationships when it comes to your own successes at work.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
And I thought, that's this is an interesting one.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
I want to This has the potential of going the
way where people read it and get up in arms
and and kind of triggered by it, and it has
the potential of it being, you know, very helpful. Let's see,
let's see how Daniel writes this out right. So I
read through it, and it's it's enlightening because you know,
it's it's impossible to read through this and not think
about how that lens applies to to your own situation
(00:51):
as you're reading it.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Oh, is this is this what I experience? Or is
this not what I experience?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
And the study that he mentions in this LinkedIn post
talks about how job satisfaction, income and the likelihood to
get promoted are all raised in situations where a person's
spouse has a specific, you know, few traits. And I
think it's important when when you read this that it
(01:18):
can be written from the perspective of any person talking
about their spouse or partner. And if you are in
a situation where you are in a relationship and you're
trying to decide whether or not the person you're with
is the right person for you long term, it you know,
if your career is important to you, then these things
(01:38):
might be important to look forward to make sure that
you know your potential future spouse or partner has and
the traits that Daniel talks about, or how he puts it,
the secret Sauce is having a spouse or a partner
who is both disciplined and dependable, and it absolutely cuts
both ways. And in spousal relationships where your dual income,
(01:58):
it absolutely cuts bath ways, like right, because there this
is something that is both people need to kind of
assess this about each other. If you are in a
situation where both people in the relationship want to work.
Speaker 3 (02:10):
Yeah, I think it's as you kind of called out,
like whether it's an current relationship or maybe even a
future relationship. These are things to consider to think about,
and it plays out both ways. It's also like it's
not just a one person has the job careers last
year the other person doesn't, the same types of things
have an impact on even if both people have a
(02:31):
career and looking for potential opportunities of promotion, There's gonna
be decisions that may have to be made at some point,
but having discipline and being dependable for one another is
the critical aspect here. And I love that the study
track like job satisfaction, income, and likelihood of promotion. So
I kind of looked at a large range of how
(02:51):
having someone that's a partner who is disciplined and dependable
can impact these types of things and showcasing that these
things have a positive impact when you have someone who
is disciplined and dependable. And I think to your point too,
as you're reading the article, of course, you immediately start
to think about like either current relationships or times in
(03:12):
your life where maybe things were different, and you start
to do kind of the math in your head around
looking at you know, you were you able to get
more accomplished at work as a result of maybe a
relationship that had dependability and discipline in it, and then
(03:33):
maybe you may have been stuck or maybe have not
seen the career growth or trajectory as a result of
maybe a relationship where you did not have those types
of things. And so I think that there is a
great amount of conversation here, a great amount of dialogue here,
and if you're thinking about building career, it is absolutely
critical that you have a spouse or partner that you're
(03:53):
having these conversations with so that you know you're able
to have dialogue around what would this look like? What
are the things that would stop us from potentially looking
at an opportunity or a promotion, What are the things
that allow us to have, you know, a kind of
a safe haven at home and things that work for
(04:15):
both people Like that dialogue is critical if you're looking
to have a relationship that really supports either one of
you in having these opportunities, you know from a work standpoint,
because when you when you don't have that level of
safe haven at home, you know what that feels like.
I think most people could say, like, yeah, like it
doesn't like I like you you're more tired to walk
(04:37):
in the door at home than you were at work
all day, and those things make it really difficult to
be your best at work. So I think that it's
like it is really important that if your if your
career minded, and you're thinking about future growth and future potential,
that at minimum you have somebody in your life that
you can talk to about these things, that they can
be a part of the dialogue and conversation, and that
(04:58):
you can make the best decisions not just for you
or for them, but for the the you know, you
as a couple and or you as a family. And
I think that's the type of dialogue that can be
tough at the beginning, but once you start to build
that consistency and trust the conversations, it makes it much
easier as you go into the future.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Right, right, So, first of all, I want to make
something clear here. Uh, if you look back in time
at maybe times when you know, were less likely to
get promoted, your income was lower, you know, you had
less job satisfaction, it might not you know, it's not
definitely your spouse or your partner. It might It might
be you too, right, So you might the problem might
lie with yourself.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
It just means that in fact, it's more likely to
lie with yourself. At the end of the day, we.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Have more of an impact on those things than our
than our spouse does. But the point of the study
is that that relationship, your your primary relationship, the most
important person in your life, that matters a lot. It
does have an influence. And no matter what you you know,
you take two people who are both really good at
(06:00):
their job and you know, really highly satisfied with their job,
and one of them has a spouse or a partner
who is dependable and disciplined and the other one doesn't,
it's likely that that makes a difference between the two.
That could be a deciding factor between the two. So
when you're when you're kind of figuring out whether or
not the person that you're with is this, is this
(06:21):
a potential long term thing or or not? These are
the things to consider. And and I know that there
have been times in you know, my career where I
have felt, you know, more or less likely to want
to take on a role with another organization or to
to move because I was worried about, you know, losing
a relationship that I was in versus you know, U
(06:43):
versus you know, being one where I know my my
partner would come with me if I if I was
going to get promoted, that makes a big difference. And
I think the you know you mentioned at the beginning
can be it can be difficult to have these conversations.
I think the reason why it can be difficult to
have these conversations that beginning is that, you know, for
this to work, and let's just assume that you have
(07:05):
two people who are both working. For this to work,
both people have to prioritize what's best for the couple
and the family versus themselves. But in any decision, it
is likely the decision will end up benefiting one person
more than the other. And if you don't have the
(07:26):
history of lots of those decisions where both people can
kind of look back on it and say, oh, this
might have appeared like the decision was made because it
benefited him or it benefited her. In actuality, I can
look at it over over the last few years and say, oh,
we've made We've made several of these decisions, and a
lot of them have benefited me, not them.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
A lot of them have benefited them, not me.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And you start to kind of have this this kind
of quiet assurance of like, oh, okay, it might seem
like in the moment, in like you're looking at it
on a microscope. This one decision did benefit one person
over the other. But if both people are truly invested
in the relationship as a whole, it will even out
over time. There's no way it won't because there's an
(08:12):
inherent kind of belief. You know, you can you kind
of know what's best for the family, you know, in
the you know, if you kind of take a moment
to look at yourself in the mirror, you know whether
something you want to do is just benefiting yourself or
if it's benefiting the family or the couple or the
long term benefits of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (08:29):
No, And I think too it's it can be difficult
when you have battling priorities. I think it's one of
the things that outside of even just careers and and
maybe like you know, who advances to what or what
job is more important? And they like people have those
conversations and you think about things like, well, what's the
(08:49):
higher amount of income, is that the more important job
or is this all that? Like there's a lot of
dialogue and there's a lot of depth in these conversations,
but having a true understanding of priority, I think is key,
and that's the part of the discipline that I think
is necessary in these relationships is to say, like, well,
these are the priorities that we have as a couple,
(09:09):
as as a family, or as individuals. How do those
priorities align. What's what's a priority more to you than me.
Let's talk through that. Let's understand that. And it's not
because you're you're you're you're having to make somebody change
your priorities.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
But if you're choosing to be.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
In any type of relationship, that's kind of like step
number one is there's this compromised element that happens. It
has to happen for two people versus just you, and
and like I know people that are single and have
been single for a really long time, and they will
tell me it's because they're like, I don't want to
give up my preferences and priorities. They're just like, this
is how I want to live my life. And until
(09:47):
I find someone who aligns with that really clearly, I'm
not going to step in that space because it's probably
because they've had, you know, relationships where it wasn't the
case and it was tough and it was not help
it was not good for them. But when you choose
to be in a relationship, you're also choosing to say,
we're gonna adjust priority so that we can prioritize the
(10:11):
relationship maybe over individual needs. And it doesn't mean that
you give them all up. It just means that you've
got to talk about them and talk through them if
you're going to make the best decisions possible. And when
it comes to careers and promotions and income, like having
that conversation to say, Okay, well, this is the job
that I'm in. What's the next job? Does the next
(10:32):
job require me to move?
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Does the next job have an impact on schedule?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
On time? Is the next job from an hourly job
to a salary job?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Like?
Speaker 3 (10:43):
What are the things doesn't require a lot of travel?
Like having those conversations ahead of time and before opportunities
pop up are extremely helpful and making sure that you're
on the same page and that when the opportunities happen,
you're not having these conversations for them first time, because
that's when you get a lot of emotion. That's what
it becomes really difficult to think clearly and be able
(11:06):
to articulate what your priorities are, why they matter, and
the impact they'll have to both you, you know, your relationship,
your family and kind of just your day to day living.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Right because and that at that moment, if that that's
the first time you're having the conversation, it's no longer hypothetical,
it's an actual thing. That is that that has you know,
landed on your face and now you have to deal
with it. And and if you don't have a very
clear sense of what the values are, so because because
at the end of the day, this is this is
no different than you know, a leader where it's it's
(11:39):
easy to be a good leader when times are great,
you know, it's it's harder to be a good leader
when times are tougher and you have to make, you know,
tough decisions. And this is the exact same thing. If
you don't have a discussion about what your values are
as individuals and as a couple, then it would be
it will be very difficult to take the decision that
(12:00):
up and filter it through the lens of what those
values are. And if you have those conversations in advance,
when they're just hypothetical and you and you filter through
potential scenarios through the lens of what you each stated
your values are, and see what that looks like. Okay,
we are saying that we both agree that what is
(12:22):
valuable to us is.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Time spent with each other. Okay, that's what we've said.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Okay, all right, Well okay, so this job that was
just offered to you or to me will increase your
commute time or my commute time from five minutes each
way every day to an hour and a half each
way every day. Okay, So does that feel right or
does it not feel right?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Well? If it feels.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Right, well, then what that means is that what you
stated is that your your values are timed together aren't
necessarily the right value. Maybe you thought it was at
the time, but what really the value is is oh
long term career growth and progression and income, and then
you can agree on that. And so there isn't a
right or a wrong here. There's just a how do
you have the conversations and figure out what these shared
(13:08):
values are so that when the things come up you
can put them through that filter to make sure that
they that they check out. And there's no way to
do it without it actually happening. And sometimes that we
can be very clear in our own minds, this is
what's most important to me, and then something comes up
that makes us go against that thing, and we have
(13:30):
to go say to ourselves for the first time, oh,
I thought that was what was important to me. I
guess in actuality, this is what's important to me. And
as long as you have this self awareness to kind
of realize that in the moment and then also talk
about it with the spouse of the partner to say,
you know what, I was wrong. I thought this is
what was important to me, But the moment this thing
(13:50):
came up and I put it through that filter that
we discussed, it didn't check out. And I'm realizing that
this is what's important. Let's talk about this again and
figure it out and figure out this if this is
the right thing to do, because we want to make
sure that we're on the same page and that the
decisions are being made in spirit of what's best for us,
not what's best for you or for me.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Absolutely, And with that it brings us to this episode's
woman at Hack. But first a few words from our sponsors.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
All right, for this episode is one minute hack.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Here's what I wants you to do in order to
make sure that the person that you're with kind of
fits the bill for what is supportive and dependable and disciplined.
As the article that Daniel Peak is talking about states,
it's important to have a discussion about what is important
to you and for them to bring to the table
what is important to them, of course, and then to
(14:37):
put those values through some hypotheticals that are actually likely
to happen, things like, oh, what would happen if, all
of a sudden there is a child in this relationship
that we weren't necessarily planning for right away? What would
happen if one of us gets a job promotion that
would move us out of the country or out of
the state or out of the area. What would happen
(14:58):
if one of us had to take care of aging
parents at some point? And what, you know, what does
that mean for where we have to live or where
we have to be. You know, all of these things
are likely to happen at some point in the future,
and so talking about what you would do in a
situation while it's still hypothetical is a way of kind
(15:19):
of disarming it because you can, you can, you know,
kind of at least talk about it objectively and without
the kind of the emotional baggage that comes with having
to make a decision in the moment when it when
it's been foist upon you. And if you talk about
it in advance, then you have something to go off of,
like you know what feels right right, like if you
(15:40):
if you say, if this were to happen, then this
is what I think we should do, And then the
person you're talking to can can kind of say in
the moment that feels really right to me, or I
don't know, that doesn't sit right with me, I think
it should be this instead, Oh, that doesn't really sit
right with me.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
This, this sits right.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
You talk it out and and and you might come
to an impasse. It might be that if a situation
to happen, that there is no agreement on what you
want to do, and so what you would need to
do is decide what's better to take steps to make
sure that thing doesn't happen as much as you can,
or to not be in this relationship, because knowing that
(16:15):
if this kind of hypothetical becomes a reality, then it's
going to be a major stressor or strain on the
relationship or on the family if this were to happen.
And that's why it's important to talk about these things
in advance and to use them in hypotheticals, but to
really have the conversation so that you can be aligned
on what your values are.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, I think it's critical. There's something that I always recommend.
It's called the Naval podcast nav Al and he talks
about the importance of having dialogue with like wealth, health
and kind of career and you know, kind of hobbies,
hopes and dreams and things like that, but the importance
of having that conversation with your partner. And I think
(16:57):
the same exact thing I would say applies to career
growth and potential and opportunity, like having those open conversations
and the uncomfortableness that will come with that and the
dialogue around priority and what happens when the other person says, well,
wait a minute, so are we saying then that your
job is more important than mine? Or or like like
(17:18):
like being prepared to have that conversation and talk through
it and understand it and figure it out. And again, like,
if you're approaching this as a couple or partnership, then
you need to have these conversations and it will feel
a little bit awkward and weird, but you feel so
much better and aligned afterward. And that's why I think
it's it is critical to have the dialogue align on values,
(17:40):
align on some decisions, talk about the what ifs, keep
them realistic, don't go so far out and start adding, well,
what if this, and what if this and what well,
stick with just the first one, yeah, and then what
if what happens with that, and then if there's a
second one? Okay, but like keep it in context of
you know, a potential close opportunity or things that could happen.
(18:03):
And then also realize you know with each other that
things can change and you can make a different decision
later on based upon new information. So like you're also
not stuck to the plan if you're trying to define
a plan over a longer period of time. But keeping
the things in front of saying aligned on values, clarifying
your priorities, and then making sure that you're talking through
(18:25):
the next potential thing that could happen. I think those
three things will be really helpful and setting you up
for success to the future.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Right, And you also have to realize too that the
likelihood of two people being together for five, ten, fifteen,
twenty years and neither of them change is also kind
of unrealistic, right, So the idea of you know, it's
it's not that the relationships that last are the ones
where neither person changes. That's boring. The relationships that last
(18:56):
are the ones where both people change and both people
are still okay with those changes, because there is growth
and there is change that occurs within individuals all the time.
If you are if you are a growth oriented person,
then you will change and your values will.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Change over time.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
My values, Like, I mean, the single biggest thing that
changed my values was having kids, Like that was it? Like?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And I think for a lot of people that that
is the case.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
It's really hard to know what your values will be
before you before you have kids, and they will change
and there are other things that will happen in your
life that will cause you to have to change your values.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And that's not a bad thing. It's a good thing.
It's a good thing because.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
It means you have It means you have the ability
to take in new information and make changes, as opposed
to kind of holding steadfast on something because at some
point you decided this was the right thing when you
were twenty two, and now it's all of a sudden,
like I have to stay with this thing. No, like
it's important to be able to change and to have
a person with you that wants that change and that
growth because of what it means for the ability for
(20:03):
the family or the partnership or the spousal relationship to
grow together. Those are the most successful ones. So plan
on changing, plan on your values, changing, plan on the
values of your spouse or partner changing, and knowing that
these conversations will have to happen again and again over time,
and that's a good thing. That doesn't mean that they're
flip flopping or wishy washy. It means that there's growth
(20:24):
and you have to grow together or you'll end up
growing apart.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Absolutely, And with that it brings us to the end
of this episode. This is hacking your leadership. I'm Lorenzo
and I'm Chris, and we'll talk to you all next time.
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