August 10, 2022 • 11 mins
Tom Hardy goes undercover as a Hogwarts student to try and enlist the help of Professor Dumbledore to undo the mess he & Bane made in the past… or now the future… or the past before the previous past. Either way if they fail… we’re all F*****
Find Tom on Twitter at https://www.twitter.com/HardysHardest
and on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/hardys_hardest_hats
All in association with Cold Callers Comedy - find them at https://linktr.ee/ColdCallersComedy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/hardy-s-hardest-hats--5266950/support.
Find Tom on Twitter at https://www.twitter.com/HardysHardest
and on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/hardys_hardest_hats
All in association with Cold Callers Comedy - find them at https://linktr.ee/ColdCallersComedy
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/hardy-s-hardest-hats--5266950/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hardy's Hardest Taxes brought to you inassociation with Cold Callers Comedy. You can
find Cold Callers Comedy on Twitter atcold Callers, on Instagram at cold Callers
Underscore Comedy, and on Facebook atCold Callers Comedy. And if you head
over to YouTube dot com slash coldCallers, you'll find our music videos and
comedy sketches there. And if youcan't be bothered to do any of that,
(00:22):
well you'd better stop pulling your pudand stop thumbing you. What the
fuck, all boys? What doyou want? Tom? I'm here to
give you a once in a lifetimeopportunity to subscribe to my new streaming platform,
Cold Hardy Flicks, Okay, fora very competitive price of twenty pen
(00:44):
a month. Expensive, isn't it? Yes, that's way more than other
ones charge. Yeah, but you'regetting a shitload of content, mate,
I've got loads of new shows alreadyon it a touch of a button,
and it's way more shows than anyof those other forms you know. Forget
about your Netpicks, your Parachute Plus, Banana TV, your Amazon Crime,
(01:07):
forget about her, mate, becauseI don't think those are mate platforms.
I don't I don't, but Istill don't understand what justifies the twenty pound
of must and pearl. Yeah,Ryan, Yeah, these are the shows
that I've got on here already atthe touch of a Burton. Yeah,
so I've got Hat Academy, theHatcher, Squid, Hat, Stranger Hats,
(01:30):
the Queen's Hat. What is that? Is that the chess one?
No, no, no, that'sthe that's the hat gambit. But the
Queen's is the one with the royals. That's the crown. That is that
was that was taken mate? Right, So I've also got the Hot Underground
in No La Hat, which iswe all know as he's sequel to Sherlock
(01:52):
Hats. We've got the Woman inthe Hat across the street from the Girl
in the Hat in the Window thatstars Kristin Bewen. Oh yeah, We've
got the Horrors. We've got theHaunting of Hat House, the Haunting of
Hat Manner and the Hatfield Haunting comedieslike Brooklyn Hat Hat. We've got that
other show, a big Hat Theory, and we got Hat Mirror. We've
(02:15):
got sci fi hat Trek, hatWars, what's the best who knows?
You know, they'll fight over thatdidn't know that the fandom. We've got
uncut hats and of course, youknow, a streaming platform wouldn't be worth
its weight in gold if it didn'thave any documentaries. So I've got Making
a Millionaire, The Hat Case,Unsolved Hatteries, the Most Hatted Man on
(02:38):
the Internet, and hat spiracy.Okay, and I don't forget we've also
got animated versions of Hardy's artist actson there. Oh okay, Um,
I mean, yeah, it soundsI still think it's I'm a bit confused.
Have you got anything on there thatdoesn't involved hats? Yeah, yeah,
of course, Mary, of courseI do. Alice in Wonderland doesn't
(03:01):
have the Mad Hatter in it.Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't know,
no mate. Um, I meanI don't know for you. Yeah,
sure, it's a bit. Ijust think it's a bit much.
So you want too much? Fine? What are you fucking doing now?
(03:25):
It's about to sign up? You'resilly, brilly? Fuck yeah, I
don't think they were, mister Hardyor you shut your fucking mouth. How
do you even know? You don'tknow any friend? You you you fucking
ruined everything. You're bold, You'rebold? Fuck you mask figure County.
How hard, How hard yall?How hard? Oh? What does your
(04:01):
fucking app mate? Hello and welcometo another episode of Artie's Hardest Acts,
the show to proud. If youwant to seduce a lady into bed,
you best put something on your headin it safety first, So double on
Tendreid air mate, So take thathow you will. As always, I'm
(04:24):
your host, Tom Hardie from IPeaky Spell on You and now You're blind
us. Last week me and Baindid our best to get ourselves out of
a mess we got ourselves into inthe previous week's episodes when we fucked up
the time space continuum absolutely bollocked it, we did, so the only option
(04:46):
we had left was to try andmagic our way out. I was going
to go back and see gandhouf bya proper burning that bridge. When I
sold his white horse to a gluefactory, how was I supposed to fucking
No, they made them into glue. I thought they just got the horses
to stick things back together. Afterhow good they were with Humpty dumpty.
(05:08):
I mean he died, but theydid their level breast anyway, I have
to resort to the help of anotherwizard fuck who was a headmaster in his
school in Scotland. His name isHumdrumble Door or something. Why air bid
you know to look. He's likethe Pepsi version of Gandolf, does the
(05:30):
same thing as Coke, but he'sshitter in every fucking way. But still
I'm hoping he can resolve things,as I've heard the rumors that he owned
something called a time turner or possiblya Tina turner. I don't know.
I wasn't really paying attention, butnow I'm on the train up there to
find out a freaking out. Plushe might have a wizard that I can
finally test, because it's been weeksnow since I've actually been able to test
(05:55):
any hat A fucking's all. I'mhaving to go in coogny, so I'm
pretending to be a school kid.I'm wearing glasses because you know it worn't
for Batman. I must say thistrain is certainly luxurious. I just wish
this little ginger prick opposite me wouldstop staring. Did you say something?
So? Nah, mate, nothingat all, and don't call me sir.
(06:17):
I'm just another magic school kid likeyou. But you have a beard.
Yeah, it's a magic beard,isn't it. Oh that score on
your forehead? How did you getthat? Well, that's a bit of
a sore subject. Oh, I'msorry. What happened? Well, it
turns out when running into the woolworkplatform nine and three quarters you should make
(06:39):
sure you're in the right station first. Were you not at King's Cross?
Nah? I was in brent Cross. I've never been to brent Cross.
Don't bother mate, fuck old home'ssense. That's about it. Hello?
Is this seat taken good? I'msitting here. Fucking hell? Do people
not bubble with their seat casions ontickets anymore? I'm Hermione Granger. Who
(07:02):
are you? Hi? I'm RonWeasley and who are you? Marie?
Yeah? Arm Ron Weasley. Butthat's his name, right? Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah? I mean doyou not know your name? Maybe a
fucking chickend. I'm freaking. Hedid run into a wall. So that's
(07:27):
how you broke your glasses. Ican fix those oculus repaio. Oh wow,
you fix me specs. Very impressive. That's what happens when you study
well, or at least you're obnoxiousabout it. Stuck up, Carl,
So what is your name? It'suh, Jerry? Your name is Jerry.
(07:49):
No, let me fucking finish.It's Jerry coke handle gnat. Are
you just naming things around you?No, smart hoss, that's my name,
Jerry co Candle gnat. What's yourfamiliar? Is that like street linger
(08:13):
or something? She means your animalcompanion? All right, I've got me
dog here. Funny story. Ithought i'd lost him in Italy, brief
found his way back like some sortof pigeon. What's his name? I
don't fucking no one ever asked himsweets for anyone? And twees. Yeah,
I'll have him. Which ones?All of them? I want them
(08:33):
all leave the cars. I can'tbelieve you're buying all the sweets to share
with us. You're really pushing yourluck. You are. Oh, I'm
stuffed. I feel sick. I'vehad so many. Why did all the
(08:56):
ones I get taste like socks orcrusty ass ow? You never know what
flavor you'll get. That's what's funand surprising. Yeah, by expected maybe
an orange or coffee flavor. Notdy'll come flavor. So you're the one
who bought the whole sweet card.I must say I'm surprised to see you
hanging around with the legs of thesetwo, a Weasley and a mud blood.
(09:20):
You're just saying words at me.Now I'm Draco mouth for me,
and you must be Jericho candle fuckmade that got round quick, faster than
a horse drawers in the floors.Well, you're welcome to leave these two
dregs and join me in my cabin. Now you're right. If anything,
your hair is actually making me eyes. Are you old enough to be using
paroxide? This is my natural hair? Why you were targarian? Oh?
(09:43):
What from Game of Thrones? Ohyou know the one. It's got dragons
and tits and ass and fanny andshagging. Pretty sure the bloke from Soldier
Soldier was in it. Do yourown Flynn. No, James Cosmo kward
station by will stop fucking finally dyingfor a ship and I wasn't going to
(10:03):
go in there after never had usedit. They don't call him long bottom
for nothing. Get out next time. On Arties Artist Acts, two students
(10:26):
welcome no Ward School of Witchcraft andWizardry. Griffin. Ah, I'm grumpled
for whatever he said. Oh I'mgoing to smash you in mister Sawynette.
And what is the difference between monksand wolvesburne um. The spelling and the
(10:48):
pronunciation pretty clearly. Frame. Isn'teverything, is it? M mister candlenut
bit ash, you're a wizard.Jericho cool, You're a big fella.
Is everything in proporsion down there?Fucking now? It's look an, I
don't saw molding a mallow. Hea co candleman, the boy who live's
(11:15):
God, the door. Let's finishthis how we started at my check it
right time to be continued, mate,
Hardy's Hardest Taxes brought to you inassociation with Cold Callers Comedy. You can
find Cold Callers Comedy on Twitter atcold Callers, on Instagram at cold Callers
Underscore Comedy, and on Facebook atCold Callers Comedy. And if you head
over to YouTube dot com slash coldCallers, you'll find our music videos and
comedy sketches there. And if youcan't be bothered to do any of that,
(00:22):
well you'd better stop pulling your pudand stop thumbing you. What the
fuck, all boys? What doyou want? Tom? I'm here to
give you a once in a lifetimeopportunity to subscribe to my new streaming platform,
Cold Hardy Flicks, Okay, fora very competitive price of twenty pen
(00:44):
a month. Expensive, isn't it? Yes, that's way more than other
ones charge. Yeah, but you'regetting a shitload of content, mate,
I've got loads of new shows alreadyon it a touch of a button,
and it's way more shows than anyof those other forms you know. Forget
about your Netpicks, your Parachute Plus, Banana TV, your Amazon Crime,
(01:07):
forget about her, mate, becauseI don't think those are mate platforms.
I don't I don't, but Istill don't understand what justifies the twenty pound
of must and pearl. Yeah,Ryan, Yeah, these are the shows
that I've got on here already atthe touch of a Burton. Yeah,
so I've got Hat Academy, theHatcher, Squid, Hat, Stranger Hats,
(01:30):
the Queen's Hat. What is that? Is that the chess one?
No, no, no, that'sthe that's the hat gambit. But the
Queen's is the one with the royals. That's the crown. That is that
was that was taken mate? Right, So I've also got the Hot Underground
in No La Hat, which iswe all know as he's sequel to Sherlock
(01:52):
Hats. We've got the Woman inthe Hat across the street from the Girl
in the Hat in the Window thatstars Kristin Bewen. Oh yeah, We've
got the Horrors. We've got theHaunting of Hat House, the Haunting of
Hat Manner and the Hatfield Haunting comedieslike Brooklyn Hat Hat. We've got that
other show, a big Hat Theory, and we got Hat Mirror. We've
(02:15):
got sci fi hat Trek, hatWars, what's the best who knows?
You know, they'll fight over thatdidn't know that the fandom. We've got
uncut hats and of course, youknow, a streaming platform wouldn't be worth
its weight in gold if it didn'thave any documentaries. So I've got Making
a Millionaire, The Hat Case,Unsolved Hatteries, the Most Hatted Man on
(02:38):
the Internet, and hat spiracy.Okay, and I don't forget we've also
got animated versions of Hardy's artist actson there. Oh okay, Um,
I mean, yeah, it soundsI still think it's I'm a bit confused.
Have you got anything on there thatdoesn't involved hats? Yeah, yeah,
of course, Mary, of courseI do. Alice in Wonderland doesn't
(03:01):
have the Mad Hatter in it.Oh yeah, yeah, I didn't know,
no mate. Um, I meanI don't know for you. Yeah,
sure, it's a bit. Ijust think it's a bit much.
So you want too much? Fine? What are you fucking doing now?
(03:25):
It's about to sign up? You'resilly, brilly? Fuck yeah, I
don't think they were, mister Hardyor you shut your fucking mouth. How
do you even know? You don'tknow any friend? You you you fucking
ruined everything. You're bold, You'rebold? Fuck you mask figure County.
How hard, How hard yall?How hard? Oh? What does your
(04:01):
fucking app mate? Hello and welcometo another episode of Artie's Hardest Acts,
the show to proud. If youwant to seduce a lady into bed,
you best put something on your headin it safety first, So double on
Tendreid air mate, So take thathow you will. As always, I'm
(04:24):
your host, Tom Hardie from IPeaky Spell on You and now You're blind
us. Last week me and Baindid our best to get ourselves out of
a mess we got ourselves into inthe previous week's episodes when we fucked up
the time space continuum absolutely bollocked it, we did, so the only option
(04:46):
we had left was to try andmagic our way out. I was going
to go back and see gandhouf bya proper burning that bridge. When I
sold his white horse to a gluefactory, how was I supposed to fucking
No, they made them into glue. I thought they just got the horses
to stick things back together. Afterhow good they were with Humpty dumpty.
(05:08):
I mean he died, but theydid their level breast anyway, I have
to resort to the help of anotherwizard fuck who was a headmaster in his
school in Scotland. His name isHumdrumble Door or something. Why air bid
you know to look. He's likethe Pepsi version of Gandolf, does the
(05:30):
same thing as Coke, but he'sshitter in every fucking way. But still
I'm hoping he can resolve things,as I've heard the rumors that he owned
something called a time turner or possiblya Tina turner. I don't know.
I wasn't really paying attention, butnow I'm on the train up there to
find out a freaking out. Plushe might have a wizard that I can
finally test, because it's been weeksnow since I've actually been able to test
(05:55):
any hat A fucking's all. I'mhaving to go in coogny, so I'm
pretending to be a school kid.I'm wearing glasses because you know it worn't
for Batman. I must say thistrain is certainly luxurious. I just wish
this little ginger prick opposite me wouldstop staring. Did you say something?
So? Nah, mate, nothingat all, and don't call me sir.
(06:17):
I'm just another magic school kid likeyou. But you have a beard.
Yeah, it's a magic beard,isn't it. Oh that score on
your forehead? How did you getthat? Well, that's a bit of
a sore subject. Oh, I'msorry. What happened? Well, it
turns out when running into the woolworkplatform nine and three quarters you should make
(06:39):
sure you're in the right station first. Were you not at King's Cross?
Nah? I was in brent Cross. I've never been to brent Cross.
Don't bother mate, fuck old home'ssense. That's about it. Hello?
Is this seat taken good? I'msitting here. Fucking hell? Do people
not bubble with their seat casions ontickets anymore? I'm Hermione Granger. Who
(07:02):
are you? Hi? I'm RonWeasley and who are you? Marie?
Yeah? Arm Ron Weasley. Butthat's his name, right? Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah? I mean doyou not know your name? Maybe a
fucking chickend. I'm freaking. Hedid run into a wall. So that's
(07:27):
how you broke your glasses. Ican fix those oculus repaio. Oh wow,
you fix me specs. Very impressive. That's what happens when you study
well, or at least you're obnoxiousabout it. Stuck up, Carl,
So what is your name? It'suh, Jerry? Your name is Jerry.
(07:49):
No, let me fucking finish.It's Jerry coke handle gnat. Are
you just naming things around you?No, smart hoss, that's my name,
Jerry co Candle gnat. What's yourfamiliar? Is that like street linger
(08:13):
or something? She means your animalcompanion? All right, I've got me
dog here. Funny story. Ithought i'd lost him in Italy, brief
found his way back like some sortof pigeon. What's his name? I
don't fucking no one ever asked himsweets for anyone? And twees. Yeah,
I'll have him. Which ones?All of them? I want them
(08:33):
all leave the cars. I can'tbelieve you're buying all the sweets to share
with us. You're really pushing yourluck. You are. Oh, I'm
stuffed. I feel sick. I'vehad so many. Why did all the
(08:56):
ones I get taste like socks orcrusty ass ow? You never know what
flavor you'll get. That's what's funand surprising. Yeah, by expected maybe
an orange or coffee flavor. Notdy'll come flavor. So you're the one
who bought the whole sweet card.I must say I'm surprised to see you
hanging around with the legs of thesetwo, a Weasley and a mud blood.
(09:20):
You're just saying words at me.Now I'm Draco mouth for me,
and you must be Jericho candle fuckmade that got round quick, faster than
a horse drawers in the floors.Well, you're welcome to leave these two
dregs and join me in my cabin. Now you're right. If anything,
your hair is actually making me eyes. Are you old enough to be using
paroxide? This is my natural hair? Why you were targarian? Oh?
(09:43):
What from Game of Thrones? Ohyou know the one. It's got dragons
and tits and ass and fanny andshagging. Pretty sure the bloke from Soldier
Soldier was in it. Do yourown Flynn. No, James Cosmo kward
station by will stop fucking finally dyingfor a ship and I wasn't going to
(10:03):
go in there after never had usedit. They don't call him long bottom
for nothing. Get out next time. On Arties Artist Acts, two students
(10:26):
welcome no Ward School of Witchcraft andWizardry. Griffin. Ah, I'm grumpled
for whatever he said. Oh I'mgoing to smash you in mister Sawynette.
And what is the difference between monksand wolvesburne um. The spelling and the
(10:48):
pronunciation pretty clearly. Frame. Isn'teverything, is it? M mister candlenut
bit ash, you're a wizard.Jericho cool, You're a big fella.
Is everything in proporsion down there?Fucking now? It's look an, I
don't saw molding a mallow. Hea co candleman, the boy who live's
(11:15):
God, the door. Let's finishthis how we started at my check it
right time to be continued, mate,
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