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Episode Transcript
Hardy's Hardest Taxes brought to you inassociation with Cold Callers Comedy. You can
find Cold Callers Comedy on Twitter atcold Callers, on Instagram at cold Callers
Underscore Comedy, and on Facebook atCold Callers Comedy. And if you head
over to YouTube dot com slash coldCallers you'll find our music videos and comedy
sketches there. And if you can'tbe bothered to do any of that,
(00:22):
you better stop pulling your put andstop summing you. We are under a
soul. We are under our soul. Our crawl is made up of a
Scardian family. This is not awar prof I repeat, it's not a
(00:46):
war craft. Hear me and redjoice. You have had the privilege job
being saved by the great type Msmile for even in death you have become
children of fanoms. I know whatit's like to lose, to feel so
(01:11):
desperately that you're right, yet youfail none less. It's frightening, turns
the legs to jelly. I askyou to one end, dread it,
run from it. Destiny arrives allthe same and now it's here, or
(01:38):
should I say I am? Tellme as guardian who has the stones on
Earth, the stones or your brother'shead. Fastly, I'm not an as
guardian. Secondly, we have abane Rick comes, Babe stirs, No
(02:16):
possible, Old Father's let the darkmagic flow through me one last time?
(02:43):
H less he can cute? Wellwould never be? Oh God, Loki.
No, you will have gone toEarth to protect the mindstone. Find
(03:04):
him and you'll find the stone.But what is the stone contained in?
How do we know? That's easy? It's in a hat. How hot
is y'all? How hot? Howhot is y'all? How hot? How
hot is yall? Hobbies, hardestHarties, Holleisies, horties, honesdays,
(03:45):
Ah, what is your fucking heart? Mary? Hello, and welcome to
Hardy's Hardest Hats, the show thatproves that Hearty Jakes was the best one
in the carry on movies as Alwise, I I'm your host, Tom Hardy
from War Why Peke Blinders. Soanyway, I've been spending a lot of
(04:05):
time trying to correct the mistakes thatBain and I made in the past.
We fucking tried everything going back intime magic Actually that's it. But it's
been really odd and unwell knacked,and on top of that I haven't tested
a single hat and ages and quitefrankly, in terms of audience satisfaction in
(04:29):
that sense, it's been a realfucking letdown. But it's on my fucking
fault, our fault. At aschool of wizards and witches, every prick
will be wearing a hat. Itried to find that sorting at fuck,
but I keep him on a reallyhigh shelf. I tell you, though,
he's well pointless. Even if hesays you're in one ass, you
can tell him to get fucked andjoin another one. Anyway, I left
(04:54):
that school with another wizard. Fuckwho wizard actually a wizard? Fuck but
a sorcerer. Fuck. It doesn'twear a hat either, but it does
have a pretty bitching cape. Ohfits sexy, would go with anything,
anyway, I digress. I'm herein a house called the Sanctum sank Sorbum
or some bollocks. We're trying tofigure out how we can correct the timeline
(05:17):
so that the off shoots from theprime. Blah blah blah yadda yadda.
Some sort of shit is all better, but he's taking for fucking ever to
get it, so weird, mate, May I remind you mister hard eat
you I'm the one that caused allof this. Yeah, I know,
but I didn't mean to. Iwas just having a laugh in it.
(05:39):
You think affecting the timeline is achoke, Well no, but it is
a little bit funny. I'm sorry. Okay, I promise I won't fuck
up time again. Now have youfigured out how to fix it yet?
This would go a lot faster ifyou helped? Do I have to?
It's world boring. Can't we justorder pizza and they've put on a podcast
or something. You just ate awhole box of cereal and you listen to
(06:01):
the entire back catalog of Cold Caller'scomedy podcast. Yeah, I want to
listen to it again. And thatbox of Coco Pops didn't even make a
dent, Mate, it wasn't me. Fuck it out. Wait a minute,
(06:25):
fine, I couldn't stop you,mister Hardie. He's too powerful.
Oh who's too powerful? That us? He's coming and he wants the milestone.
You fucking work the milestone, butwe don't know where it is.
It's been with you this whole time, on your head, mister Hardie.
(06:50):
You've had the milestone in your hat. This whole time. But I was
all supposed to fucking now. Ibought this hat down at spare Fields Market
years ago. I just thought itlooked wicked cool in it a bit different,
mate, Bane, come with me. We need to find Tony Stark
(07:15):
and hold them off. Tom.You need to go somewhere safe. Where
fucking now This place is mental.Africa is so cool and futuristic, nothing
(07:38):
like how Boris Johnson described it.No wonder they're always sending me emails wanting
to give me money. There's somuch of it here. I am sorry,
mister Hardie, but the only wayto restract their mindstone is to destroy
your Hatty. I understand, mate. We've been through some good times together
and some bad times and some quitefrankly weirdest ship times. If it's that
(08:01):
could talk, I'll tell you.But this is for the benefit of the
world. It will take time toremove it. The stones powers are more
than our people have ever dealt with. It is stuck very firmly. Yeah,
I'm not surprised that hat is incrossing with grime. Every six months
after take a chisel to it,just so it doesn't make my heads think
(08:24):
of shit. My king, theenemy are attacking the first field, weakening
get defenses. If they break throughmultiple points, they won't be able to
protect the city. Oh now,who are we gonna do? I haven't
got any weapons to protect myself.I love, give us a spear thing,
get off, give it enough,we have no choice. Open the
(08:50):
battery and the north that will forcethem to attack at one point. General,
gather all of courses and prepare forattack and body. Get this man
a hat. Yes, I'm gettinga hut. Oh what is this?
It is made from vibranium. Ohyes, all right, and I'm going
(09:11):
through some proper damage for this.I feel like our job. I have
some of the sigiens. Fuck shit, Sorry, I don't need to play
with outside the promise. Yeah,who are fucking out? This is meno?
(09:54):
I think it comes. Sorry,that's got worried Disney me honestly,
folks. Oh this is crazy.There's so many mental multi armed aliens here.
War is rating and arm I'm havingthe time of my life. Mate,
take this your fuck true naughty atone? Are you look out?
(10:18):
Wow? Thanks very much? Allright, nice beard, say you've copied
me. I don't know who youare. Sorry, I'm Tom Hardy mate,
I am Steve Rogers, mate,are you brute? You dropped the
bold air tree beard? Hey,hasn't that one gut? Your hat?
(10:39):
But the one I'm wearing more on? No, your other hat, the
one with the mindstone, Oh,shitting out? He does as well.
Right, Remember your training, Tom, Remember when you were a boy and
the only friends you had was afrisbee and a potato. Again, that's
kind of sad. No one askedyou, soldier boy. Right here we
(11:01):
go. Yeah, I ride achops kitchen not bad, not bad.
I'm not to see you Friday allthat. Yeah, we need to get
over there. There's so many ofthem I know where overwhelmed. What is
(11:28):
wait a minute, by dream daysdays? I thought we may have lost
(11:58):
the sergeant captain. Can you getsergeant captain? Though it was a sergeant
major. He's here. Quick takethe mindstone hat. A bit weird wearing
two hats, but all right,eyes up, stay sharp, Oh ship
(12:31):
made. This isn't good. Iunderstand your fear, little one, little
one, Oh hurts today I lostmore than you could know. You know
nothing about the beauty of a hat, your big purple scrouting chin can't Now
(12:54):
I will gain what is needed fromyour hat? Oh what you were for?
H No, I shall make thingsperfect, not hat. It costs
(13:20):
everything, well ten pounds twenty fivebecause I hackled the guy down. But
still no, I will take awayyour pain. Yes, I have spend
drink. What would breakfast? Youshout it? Oh yeah, buddy,
(13:48):
speak up. My should have gonefor the head. Yeah, you really
should have done. Brain. No, what did you do? What did
you do? Where do you go? Oh? Barlocks? This doesn't seem
(14:16):
good. What boy's happening, misterHardy? I don't feel so good.
I don't want to go. Idon't want to go. Why are you
(14:37):
touching me? H? What thefuck? What the hell is this?
What is happening? Or the norslock? Everyone is turning in suits.
I don't fucking know, but I'mlosing my shit, mister Hardy. Whoy
is it? Brain? Absolutely?Mister Hardy? Brian Brian fine? Oh
(15:07):
god, Honey's honest. Hi.Hondays, Holdays, Timedays, Hondays,
hobby Fidays to be continued, mate,
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