December 14, 2022 • 11 mins
Finally we know where Tom Hardy is. He's been reanimated by scientists and is currently being experimented on in some secret lab. How's he going to survive all alone? And who will save him?!
Find Tom on Twitter at @HardysHardest
and on Instagram at @hardys_hardest_hats
All in association with Cold Callers Comedy - find them at Cold Callers Comedy LinkTree
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/hardy-s-hardest-hats--5266950/support.
Find Tom on Twitter at @HardysHardest
and on Instagram at @hardys_hardest_hats
All in association with Cold Callers Comedy - find them at Cold Callers Comedy LinkTree
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/hardy-s-hardest-hats--5266950/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hardy's hard his Hats is brought toyou an association with Cold Callers Comedy.
You can find Cold Callers Comedy onTwitter at cold Callers, on Instagram at
cold Callers Underscore Comedy, and onFacebook at Cold Callers Comedy. And if
you head over to YouTube dot comforward slash cold Callers, you'll find our
music videos and comedy sketches there.And if you can't be bothered to do
(00:22):
any of that, well you'd betterstop pulling your pud and thumbing your buying.
We're trying to record. There's notime. He need to mount a
rescue. Mister Hardy needs us Macclear that desk. I'm on it,
Mark, kill off the desk.Christ, why are you never wearing clothes
(00:44):
anymore? Are we eat off?There? That is not a view I
want to see. But why areyou so moist that I was hiding in
jelly? Okay? That raises morequestions. Mister Hardy is trapped in this
facility. The four of us needto enter through this secret entrance the desert.
Are these episodes happening in real time? Though? I guess so?
(01:04):
Wait, the four of us,why are we going? Because if you
don't I'll rip off your arms andlegs. Yeah, definitely. After all,
what doesn't kill you only makes youstranger things. How hard is y'all?
(01:26):
How hard? How hard is y'all? How hard is hardest, hardest,
hardest, tard is hardest? Ah? What is your fucking hat?
(01:47):
My hello, and welcome to Hardy'sHardest Hats. The shoulder puts the hat
back into my heart, my candy. As always, I'm your host,
Tom Hardy from Peaky He's gonna hiye, hey, hey, mate's gonna mate,
mate, mate, mate, mate, shake it off, shake it
off our blinders. Now, thelast time you saw me, I was
(02:10):
dead, brown bread, deceased,demised, They departed kick the bucket pushing
up daisies. Suffered from this mortalcoil, perished, proper factor mate.
But as Nad O'Connor says, nahfring combras to me, I was exhumed
(02:32):
buy some scientist fillers and brought tothis research facility where I was revived just
like Gandalf after the battle with thebow sack. Oh you know, the
one woke up gasping on a trainedplatform at King's Cross with some family trying
to get into the matrix and abloke with funny eyes starts out and get
off my tree, Get off,Get off, Get off. Then,
(02:58):
when I was fully recovered, thisthat looks like Anderson Cooper and John Slattery
had a love child told me Iwas a very special boy with an amazing
gift. I of course assumed hemeant my big Gary pork short, but
realized I was wrong when I wastold repeatedly by different members of the staff
to stop doing impression of a helicopter. Once the mouse was back in his
(03:21):
house, he told me his namewas doctor Martin Brenner and he was me
father, which is weird because mydad's called Chips and looks a lot more
like the late Great Terry Napkin.After half an hour of ME acting out
at the end of Empire strikes backand the good doctor conceding that my Dick
did indeed ressemble a lightsaber, heexplained why I was there. I apparently
(03:43):
have some amazing X Man style powersand can control things and people with me
mind, which makes sense because howelse did I manage to get a third
season of Ardi's artists AT's commissioned Therehas about at tested in Donkey's way,
Chump right now, doctor Brenda hasgiven me a tattoo. I hope it's
a cool skull or Kelly LeBrock Lesner, whether knockers at as I keep telling
(04:09):
you that is not what I'm tattooingon you, Well, what is it?
Then? It's your identification number?You are now number ten? That's
a ten. Looks like you've drawna cock and bulls on my arm.
That's because you kept moving when Iwas doing the one well done study hands
and you call yourself a doctor.I am letting you do surgery on meat,
as I keep telling you, Iam not that kind of doctor.
(04:31):
Great, Now I've got to walkaround explaining to everyone what did a dick
on my arm? It does kindof look like mine? To be fair,
Look, oh, would you stopexposing yourself? Ten? Why'd you
keep calling me ten? Because thatis your name? Someone didn't listen to
the introduction. Couldn't you give mea cool number like nine, one,
(04:53):
one or sixty nine? Because weonly have twenty subjects at this facility?
Twenty which one am I? Number? Ten? Can't I be double O
seven then, because that's kind ofon the cards anyway, I've already put
ten on your arm. Where isan extra the cock and bowls? No,
that is the you know what,It's fine, Let's take you to
(05:15):
your room. I'll get a room. Wicked. What number is that?
So? I don't forget? Now, normally you wouldn't be sharing a room,
but I think it's best to sharewith our other new subject number fifteen.
Hi, Jery Comb, Oh,for fuck's sake, what are you
doing here? You ginger fuck?Got left behind at your funeral and these
(05:38):
guys just picked me up. Fifteenis a very talented individual and has some
extraordinary abilities we've never seen before,well like katterby shit at everything. Oh,
come on, dark, don't makeme share with this rusty anus.
It won't be so bad, justlike when we bunked together Kwards, it
will be fun. Jerry Comb,you know my name's fucking arm. It's
(06:00):
ten. It is the clock,says our four. No, that's your
name? That? What is this? Who's on first? What? Now
he's on second? Your name isten? Ten? Am I supposed to
remember that? The tattoo? Whatthe military music thing in Scotland? No?
Ten does sound almost like tom fuckoff. I swear you're a step
(06:23):
away from a slap ron fifteen.Well, fifteen slap seems a bit excessive,
man, he means my name isfifteen. Fucking warn Joe enough,
I need a drink. Mate tomate, you're boring. You look flushed.
Get in your room, cry key. He's easy to temper, Yeah,
(06:46):
he really is. Shut the fuckup. Shut your fucking mouth.
Shut it, shut it, shutit, fucking shut up, mate.
Okay, number ten, tell mewhat you see on this card. How
(07:09):
you've got the card the wrong wayaround, dickhead. No, that's the
point. You need to figure outwhat's on the card with your mind.
Oh, let's say I get you. Okay, one sack. I've got
this uh triangle, that's correct.Okay, this one um an apple,
(07:34):
yes, and this one a coupleof wavy lines. That's amazing. Your
telepathic abilities are remarkable. No,not really, I just looked at the
cards before you came in, tryingto learn how to card count before the
next trip to Vegas, like fuckingrain man, gotta go, gotta watch
(07:57):
Wheeler falls, swatch the fool in. You're doing a Pete Bankman from Ghostbusters
and shagging the birds with this testA test subjects are all children, Ah,
you sick bastard. I can't believeyou're a nun. No, never
mind, on to the next experiment. No team, Bicky brightdon hardest,
(08:20):
hard is hardest. This is aweird birth who puts a lid on their
tab? Okay, number ten?Tell me what you see? Well,
nothing, Pitt's black in here.I know, I know, but I'm
(08:41):
asking you to see through the darkness. I think I need a torch for
that. Never mind, never mind, Lets you play something else. Let's
try your audio telepathy. Sure,now tell me what you hear you talking
over the tannoi. No, no, no, just just forget it.
(09:05):
Just doctor Brenner, there's better breach. What do you mean a breach.
We'll quickly get the cards, takedown the invaders. Um, Hello,
(09:39):
what's going on out there? Thelight? It's blinding? Ban come here,
you bit cut me bar We areyou covered in scientist mainly? Oh
Jesus, you really are, aren'tyou. I can see doctor Brenna over
(10:00):
there and over there and up there. Yeah, well we can just leave
you in it, how could we? Hey, I like that tattoo one
you arm looks just like it?Yeah? No, thanks you guys.
Yeah, well, we've killed everyonein here you did. Yeah, everyone
(10:20):
except Ron he J can't catch afucking break time to get out of here.
R sir. It's the detonator tothe explosives Mark planted than the generator
to help Bass escape. Kay ohum about those explosives. Did you Mark
(10:43):
leave his backpack in the car?Oh hardest test card? Is hard?
Is hard? Is hard? Istardy? Is hardy? That is the
(11:07):
fucking end, my
Hardy's hard his Hats is brought toyou an association with Cold Callers Comedy.
You can find Cold Callers Comedy onTwitter at cold Callers, on Instagram at
cold Callers Underscore Comedy, and onFacebook at Cold Callers Comedy. And if
you head over to YouTube dot comforward slash cold Callers, you'll find our
music videos and comedy sketches there.And if you can't be bothered to do
(00:22):
any of that, well you'd betterstop pulling your pud and thumbing your buying.
We're trying to record. There's notime. He need to mount a
rescue. Mister Hardy needs us Macclear that desk. I'm on it,
Mark, kill off the desk.Christ, why are you never wearing clothes
(00:44):
anymore? Are we eat off?There? That is not a view I
want to see. But why areyou so moist that I was hiding in
jelly? Okay? That raises morequestions. Mister Hardy is trapped in this
facility. The four of us needto enter through this secret entrance the desert.
Are these episodes happening in real time? Though? I guess so?
(01:04):
Wait, the four of us,why are we going? Because if you
don't I'll rip off your arms andlegs. Yeah, definitely. After all,
what doesn't kill you only makes youstranger things. How hard is y'all?
(01:26):
How hard? How hard is y'all? How hard is hardest, hardest,
hardest, tard is hardest? Ah? What is your fucking hat?
(01:47):
My hello, and welcome to Hardy'sHardest Hats. The shoulder puts the hat
back into my heart, my candy. As always, I'm your host,
Tom Hardy from Peaky He's gonna hiye, hey, hey, mate's gonna mate,
mate, mate, mate, mate, shake it off, shake it
off our blinders. Now, thelast time you saw me, I was
(02:10):
dead, brown bread, deceased,demised, They departed kick the bucket pushing
up daisies. Suffered from this mortalcoil, perished, proper factor mate.
But as Nad O'Connor says, nahfring combras to me, I was exhumed
(02:32):
buy some scientist fillers and brought tothis research facility where I was revived just
like Gandalf after the battle with thebow sack. Oh you know, the
one woke up gasping on a trainedplatform at King's Cross with some family trying
to get into the matrix and abloke with funny eyes starts out and get
off my tree, Get off,Get off, Get off. Then,
(02:58):
when I was fully recovered, thisthat looks like Anderson Cooper and John Slattery
had a love child told me Iwas a very special boy with an amazing
gift. I of course assumed hemeant my big Gary pork short, but
realized I was wrong when I wastold repeatedly by different members of the staff
to stop doing impression of a helicopter. Once the mouse was back in his
(03:21):
house, he told me his namewas doctor Martin Brenner and he was me
father, which is weird because mydad's called Chips and looks a lot more
like the late Great Terry Napkin.After half an hour of ME acting out
at the end of Empire strikes backand the good doctor conceding that my Dick
did indeed ressemble a lightsaber, heexplained why I was there. I apparently
(03:43):
have some amazing X Man style powersand can control things and people with me
mind, which makes sense because howelse did I manage to get a third
season of Ardi's artists AT's commissioned Therehas about at tested in Donkey's way,
Chump right now, doctor Brenda hasgiven me a tattoo. I hope it's
a cool skull or Kelly LeBrock Lesner, whether knockers at as I keep telling
(04:09):
you that is not what I'm tattooingon you, Well, what is it?
Then? It's your identification number?You are now number ten? That's
a ten. Looks like you've drawna cock and bulls on my arm.
That's because you kept moving when Iwas doing the one well done study hands
and you call yourself a doctor.I am letting you do surgery on meat,
as I keep telling you, Iam not that kind of doctor.
(04:31):
Great, Now I've got to walkaround explaining to everyone what did a dick
on my arm? It does kindof look like mine? To be fair,
Look, oh, would you stopexposing yourself? Ten? Why'd you
keep calling me ten? Because thatis your name? Someone didn't listen to
the introduction. Couldn't you give mea cool number like nine, one,
(04:53):
one or sixty nine? Because weonly have twenty subjects at this facility?
Twenty which one am I? Number? Ten? Can't I be double O
seven then, because that's kind ofon the cards anyway, I've already put
ten on your arm. Where isan extra the cock and bowls? No,
that is the you know what,It's fine, Let's take you to
(05:15):
your room. I'll get a room. Wicked. What number is that?
So? I don't forget? Now, normally you wouldn't be sharing a room,
but I think it's best to sharewith our other new subject number fifteen.
Hi, Jery Comb, Oh,for fuck's sake, what are you
doing here? You ginger fuck?Got left behind at your funeral and these
(05:38):
guys just picked me up. Fifteenis a very talented individual and has some
extraordinary abilities we've never seen before,well like katterby shit at everything. Oh,
come on, dark, don't makeme share with this rusty anus.
It won't be so bad, justlike when we bunked together Kwards, it
will be fun. Jerry Comb,you know my name's fucking arm. It's
(06:00):
ten. It is the clock,says our four. No, that's your
name? That? What is this? Who's on first? What? Now
he's on second? Your name isten? Ten? Am I supposed to
remember that? The tattoo? Whatthe military music thing in Scotland? No?
Ten does sound almost like tom fuckoff. I swear you're a step
(06:23):
away from a slap ron fifteen.Well, fifteen slap seems a bit excessive,
man, he means my name isfifteen. Fucking warn Joe enough,
I need a drink. Mate tomate, you're boring. You look flushed.
Get in your room, cry key. He's easy to temper, Yeah,
(06:46):
he really is. Shut the fuckup. Shut your fucking mouth.
Shut it, shut it, shutit, fucking shut up, mate.
Okay, number ten, tell mewhat you see on this card. How
(07:09):
you've got the card the wrong wayaround, dickhead. No, that's the
point. You need to figure outwhat's on the card with your mind.
Oh, let's say I get you. Okay, one sack. I've got
this uh triangle, that's correct.Okay, this one um an apple,
(07:34):
yes, and this one a coupleof wavy lines. That's amazing. Your
telepathic abilities are remarkable. No,not really, I just looked at the
cards before you came in, tryingto learn how to card count before the
next trip to Vegas, like fuckingrain man, gotta go, gotta watch
(07:57):
Wheeler falls, swatch the fool in. You're doing a Pete Bankman from Ghostbusters
and shagging the birds with this testA test subjects are all children, Ah,
you sick bastard. I can't believeyou're a nun. No, never
mind, on to the next experiment. No team, Bicky brightdon hardest,
(08:20):
hard is hardest. This is aweird birth who puts a lid on their
tab? Okay, number ten?Tell me what you see? Well,
nothing, Pitt's black in here.I know, I know, but I'm
(08:41):
asking you to see through the darkness. I think I need a torch for
that. Never mind, never mind, Lets you play something else. Let's
try your audio telepathy. Sure,now tell me what you hear you talking
over the tannoi. No, no, no, just just forget it.
(09:05):
Just doctor Brenner, there's better breach. What do you mean a breach.
We'll quickly get the cards, takedown the invaders. Um, Hello,
(09:39):
what's going on out there? Thelight? It's blinding? Ban come here,
you bit cut me bar We areyou covered in scientist mainly? Oh
Jesus, you really are, aren'tyou. I can see doctor Brenna over
(10:00):
there and over there and up there. Yeah, well we can just leave
you in it, how could we? Hey, I like that tattoo one
you arm looks just like it?Yeah? No, thanks you guys.
Yeah, well, we've killed everyonein here you did. Yeah, everyone
(10:20):
except Ron he J can't catch afucking break time to get out of here.
R sir. It's the detonator tothe explosives Mark planted than the generator
to help Bass escape. Kay ohum about those explosives. Did you Mark
(10:43):
leave his backpack in the car?Oh hardest test card? Is hard?
Is hard? Is hard? Istardy? Is hardy? That is the
(11:07):
fucking end, my
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