Finding Freedom: Kayla Fite on Letting Go of Perfectionism!

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
That's my advice to anyone who's struggling is just stop
acting like you're not struggling, Like, admit that you are.
Acknowledge that you are having the biggest role to play.
Maybe other people have little, tiny factors in it, but
you are the main character in that struggle, and then
start the awareness on how to heal that struggle. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
I think most people don't like to admit that they're struggling.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
I mean, you know, we kind of.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Go through our lives because life on the internet is
a comparison game, and so you know, if you I.

Speaker 4 (00:34):
Think life in real life is also a comparison game
a little bit. I don't think it just stops at
the Internet.

Speaker 5 (00:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Yeah, well again, that's what we're working on.

Speaker 3 (00:45):
Is to not be that welcome to her unshakable confidence.

Speaker 6 (00:51):
With dynamic mother daughter duo Simone and Olivia Conego, where
they discuss the secrets of transformation and how to build
bold confidence and unwaiver resilience. From intimate conversations with inspiring
guests to sharing their personal journeys of triumph and challenge,
Simone and Olivia create a supportive space where every woman
is encouraged to rise above her fears and love the

(01:14):
woman in the mirror. Tune into her unshakeable confidence and
join this special journey of connection and growth. It's like
catching up with old friends who inspire you to be
bravely and uniquely.

Speaker 4 (01:25):
You.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Welcome to this week's episode of her Unshakeable Confidence. I'm
Simone Canego and I'm Olivia Canago and today we have
a special guest, Kayla Fight. She is joining us in Sarasota.
Are you in Sarasota?

Speaker 5 (01:41):
Are you in? I'm in Sarasona.

Speaker 3 (01:43):
I'm Saraa.

Speaker 5 (01:46):
Yay.

Speaker 3 (01:46):
So we're so excited that you're here.

Speaker 2 (01:48):
We've kind of started something new with how we we
just jump right in your bio and everything will be
on show notes, but we just jump right in. So question,
the first question I want to ask you is just
about advice you would give to a woman who is
struggling right now, first thing that comes to your mind.

Speaker 5 (02:05):
Oh, struggling with anything just in general.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yeah, I'll just go back to what I always say,
and my number one advice is to start with the
first A that I always do when I'm approaching someone
or sharing anything I'm struggling with, is just that acceptance piece.
So I think if you're struggling, you have to just
accept that you're struggling and stop trying to fake it

(02:31):
or stop trying to do everything on your own or
take on a bunch of things. I just think offloading
so much and just really staring your reality in the
face and accepting, Okay, I am struggling in this area.

Speaker 5 (02:44):
Whether it be.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
Relational or financial, or emotional, spiritual, whatever, it's usually down
to one of those five things. But I would say
start with accepting where you are and stop trying to
act like you're not there and just accept reality. And
then the second piece that I love this. I love
this question because it's like diving right into everything that

(03:05):
I talk about. The second piece would be to look
at what you just accepted and then look at the
role that you are playing in that. So clearly you
are responsible for your life. No one has a no
one has puppet strings over you or over your life.
So really start to accept the fact that you are

(03:26):
playing a role in your struggles or in your suffering,
and then look at what you can start to do
about that. And I think once we can actually stop
blaming people for our lives, that really takes the accountability piece,
so it's accept and then it's acknowledge, and then start
the daily awareness, start to build the habits, start to

(03:49):
heal the trauma, start to know your wounds around that
piece of where you're struggling. So that's my advice to
anyone who's struggling is just stop back like you're not struggling, Like,
admit that you are, Acknowledge that you are having the
biggest role to play. Maybe other people have little, tiny
factors in it, but you are the main character in

(04:11):
that struggle, and then start the awareness on how to
heal that struggle.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
Yeah, I think most people don't like to admit that
they're struggling. I mean, you know, we kind of go
through our lives because life on the Internet is a
comparison game, and so you know, I think.

Speaker 4 (04:31):
Life in real life is also a comparison game a
little bit. I don't think it just stops at the Internet.

Speaker 5 (04:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah, well again, that's what we're working on, is yeah,
to not be that.

Speaker 5 (04:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
I mean I've witnessed it with someone who didn't have
social media or anything at all. It's like, no matter
social media or Internet was available, everyone's going to struggle.
But yeah, whenever you like I've I just have seen
it so many times with people and even myself. It's
like I tried to portray this perfect picture and that

(05:07):
nothing was wrong with my life for so long, and
I got so burnt out and just really when I
finally admitted that, like, Okay, my.

Speaker 5 (05:17):
Life is not perfect.

Speaker 1 (05:18):
Although I'm trying to make it seem as such, it
is not. And that's whenever I felt so much weight
come off. You know, there's a little bit of shame
and guilt and regret you have to work through in
the beginning. It's not an overnight like Okay, I'm completely
better now. For me personally, I had to work through
a lot of shame and guilt with just even admitting

(05:40):
that you have made mistakes or that hey, like, I
know I've been saying this over here, but really over
here is what's going on actually in the background. So
I had a lot to do with that.

Speaker 5 (05:50):
Relationship I was in.

Speaker 1 (05:52):
But whenever I started therapy and I just really broke
down the walls in my own life and that was
the first obviously piece to accepting I needed help.

Speaker 5 (05:59):
Then that's when my life started to change.

Speaker 2 (06:04):
So can we talk about that relationship a little bit.
You I know that you had we were just talking
about this before that you were on a friends podcast
or you co host a podcast with your friend that
you basically kind of broke down the whole relationship and
what had happened. And as you mentioned, like, it went
viral for you know, people were so interested and I

(06:27):
think because we don't talk about those things so often,
so when you do, people listen, people are like, this
is what's happening to me, How is she getting out
of it?

Speaker 3 (06:38):
What is she doing? And this is why I want
to listen.

Speaker 5 (06:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:41):
Absolutely, I think the why it did it was because
so many people could relate to it.

Speaker 5 (06:46):
Truly. I had so many women reach out to me
either saying, I'm in this right now.

Speaker 1 (06:51):
You've helped me, You've made me even open my You've
opened my eyes to see that I'm actually in a
toxic relationship.

Speaker 5 (06:57):
I'm going to do something about it.

Speaker 1 (06:58):
I had someone tell me they packed up their stuff
and moved across the country to get like escape their
relations Wow. Yeah, I've I had a lot of messages
about that and speaking on confidence with that, I mean,
it's very rare that I don't know a woman that hasn't.

Speaker 5 (07:14):
Been in a toxic relationship.

Speaker 1 (07:16):
I don't know if it's like some ritual we got
to go through to really step into our worth and
our power. But I think the reason why people will,
mainly women, get into toxic relationships is that lack of confidence,
lack of self worth, maybe being naive, don't know who
they are, don't have their identity, They're looking for someone

(07:36):
to save them. But truly, I think it all breaks
down to like a self worth issue. I don't personally
believe that anyone that has true confidence or self worth
could even let that happen in their life. So and
I can just clearly see it looking back at my
life the point in which I was at.

Speaker 5 (07:54):
I was at a very very low spot in my life.

Speaker 1 (07:57):
And some reasons, narcissists loved to just scoop you up
out of that vulnerable place that you're in and take
you under their wing and try to control you.

Speaker 5 (08:07):
And that's what happened to me.

Speaker 1 (08:08):
So if women could just you know, stop relying on
a man to save them and actually do the healing
work on themselves, so you can completely prevent that situation,
or if you currently are in one like my situation
was like I was in it, and I did the
healing work and then my eyes were open to everything
that was going on, and I was able to leave

(08:31):
and get out.

Speaker 5 (08:31):
Of it, thank goodness.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
So it's either prevent it or help you get out
of it, or help you recover from one that you
were in.

Speaker 2 (08:40):
Yeah, I when I was in high school, I had
an abusive boyfriend, and you know, I I didn't really
think about self worth. I wasn't taught self respect, which
is a huge thing, right. I think we need to
teach our children self respect. That's the most important person
you need to respect as yourself. But at first he

(09:02):
seemed like the nicest guy. So when I it was
kind of like when I already had like significant feelings,
is when it started going south. And then yeah, then
I was like.

Speaker 3 (09:13):
Okay, well what do I do with this?

Speaker 2 (09:14):
This is and I stayed around for a long time,
and it looking back, it was something that affected me
for years because I didn't address it right. I just
kind of stuffed it down and didn't acknowledge it and
just said, I mean, my husband knew about it, my
kids knew about it, but I didn't really talk about
it openly.

Speaker 3 (09:32):
But again, what I've realized.

Speaker 2 (09:33):
I think everybody does things differently, but for me, part
of that journey to acceptance was actually really talking about
it and just saying, here, there should not be shame
associated with it, because you know, this is just a
horrible situation and no woman should ever have to go
through that.

Speaker 4 (09:52):
One of the lines I really like in your bio
is that you say you had to reparent yourself. And
I know you mentioned earlier you have a kid, a
one year year olds so exciting. How has the reparenting
yourself crossed over into parenting?

Speaker 5 (10:05):
Oh my gosh, Oh I love that question.

Speaker 1 (10:09):
If I would have had a baby before I reparented myself,
it would be a totally different story on how I
was raising this child. I started to reparent myself when
I was thirty, and that basically looked like giving myself
all the emotional tools and knowledge that my parents did
not give us, which I love that you guys are
doing this together, by the way. I think it's so awesome.

(10:29):
And had I known what you were, you know, at this.

Speaker 5 (10:33):
Age, I probably would have been a lot farther in
my life.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
But yeah, that's again taking the responsibility of like I
don't have these tools. I was not taught these tools.
I am going to have to take it upon myself
to learn them. So that's what I've been doing the
last four or five years is just really giving myself
the emotional tools.

Speaker 5 (10:52):
I was very.

Speaker 1 (10:53):
Blessed growing up, having all my physical needs met. We
had clothes, food, shelter, vacations, cars, all the things. But
when you are out of your parents' house, you are
an adult life, you are experiencing real life. You need
emotional tools in order to navigate life and everything that
comes with it. So I've reparented myself. I'm totally gonna

(11:14):
do things, not everything or one hundred percent, you know,
complete opposite of what they did. But I just know now, like, Okay,
this affected me so bad as an adult, like, I'm
going to make sure to give my child the tools
he needs to not ever have to experience it, or

(11:35):
you know, not to say never experience it.

Speaker 5 (11:37):
He still might.

Speaker 1 (11:38):
But I think one of the best things about my
husband and why I'm so glad that he is the
parent of my child, is that his parents and dad
really stressed like individuality with him, and that's not something.

Speaker 5 (11:52):
That I was given.

Speaker 1 (11:53):
It was very much like you need to be like this,
you need to look like this, act like this, dress
like this, talk like this whatever. And his parents very
much were like, dude, you're like the you're the shit,
Like here's the best, like like you are where it's at,
like you are whatever you think is cool is cool,
Like don't not buy those shoes because someone's going to

(12:15):
make fun of you. And he really stressed, like, if
you think it's cool, it's cool.

Speaker 5 (12:18):
And so I've had to learn a lot from Tyler.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
Of just like I'm an individual and I have my
own like creativity and my authenticity, and like I am
one of one basically, and so I really think we're
going to be really good at just you know, encouraging
Tyson not.

Speaker 5 (12:36):
Only to express his emotions, express his.

Speaker 1 (12:38):
Feelings, not put him in such a box or a pigeonhole,
and again just encourage him to be like emotional and
share his feelings and in both negative and positive ways.
And again I've learned all that through therapy, my own
healing journey, and then also being with Tyler has helped
me a lot. So that's how we're doing things different.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
I wonder, like, when I think about it, how different
kids will be moving forward because when I look at
my parents, the way they were parented was you don't
tell anybody about any struggle. You just follow the road,
you do it a certain way. And you know, they
grew up they were born in the nineteen thirties, right,

(13:26):
I mean, completely different time, and so when I was
a kid, it was always like, well what will other
people think? And trust me, I had great parents. I mean,
my mom is still alive, she's wonderful. But it was
a completely different mindset. And for me, what I love
to say to the kids is who cares what anybody
else thinks?

Speaker 3 (13:43):
Like, do your thing. You have to be happy, work hard.

Speaker 2 (13:47):
I mean, but choose things that you love to do,
and it's okay to change your mind all these different things.
Where for me when I was younger, that was it
was like you got to follow this path. You know,
you're going to be an accountant, lawyer, or a doctor.
And I failed out of organic chemistry, so I couldn't
go to medical school. Therefore I had to become an accountant.
So that's kind of what I did. But I think

(14:09):
that I'm curious what your thoughts are, like I don't
I mean, my youngest kid is seventeen now. So but
parents that you hang out with, do they have a
very similar mindset to you or are they more like
we have to do things a specific way. The baby
has to lie on his back, the baby has to
lie on his stomach, Like what's your what's your take
from a couple.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
Of things on that is, you know, one of the
there's many downfalls of social media and everything being so
out there, but I do think of ogitive is it
is more mainstream now to talk about therapy and in therapy,
like therapy is actually really cool these days. Apparently yeah, yes,
obviously not everywhere. It's still probably a little bit taboo.
But I think my algorithm's probably very much like show me,

(14:53):
show me all the healing and therapy.

Speaker 5 (14:55):
So there's that.

Speaker 1 (14:56):
So I think that's cool because definitely that wasn't a
thing back in the day.

Speaker 5 (15:00):
And actually it's really cool.

Speaker 1 (15:01):
That my grandmother, who is my mom's mom, my mother
passed away and so my grandma lives down the street
actually and she's actually watching Tyson right now as I
do this. But what's cool is that she's just openly
said and she's like the most transparent person you'll ever meet.
But she has said, like, I didn't know all the

(15:23):
things I know now when I was raising my kids,
And she will she's so self aware now, but obviously
if she could go back, she would probably do it differently.
She will openly say like, it's just not how it
was back then, and I know so much now, Like
I'm she's almost eighty four, and she's like, I just
wish I could have known what I know now back

(15:45):
then to raise my kids different. There's a little like
side note is that she had two kids, my mom
and her my mom's brother. On her side, there's a
lot of mental illness. There was I think four suicides
on her side, right, and my uncle tried to commit
suicide and then my mother.

Speaker 5 (16:03):
Actually did take her life.

Speaker 1 (16:05):
So I just think maybe that would have helped plate
a factor in their upbringing as far as like, because
my mom just had a lot of shame and she
just tried to be perfect all the time, and so
I just think, you know, maybe that would have been
a little different had that generation known differently. But back
to your question, my friends that our parents, Yeah, I mean,

(16:27):
I definitely only not only, but I associate a lot
with people who obviously are on the same way linked
as me and think the same. I only have like
two or three trusted moms who I do go to
for advice that I know that we align on so
many things as far as you know, medicine or doctors
or food or habits or you know, the way we

(16:49):
raise them. So I have like two or three trusted friends,
and then I really don't take advice from anyone else
that I know would think differently. But yeah, I think
moms these days, you know, there's still a lot of
work to be done, but I think they are becoming
more self aware, and you know there's the whole like
gentle parenting thing. I haven't really quite got to that

(17:10):
phase yet, but I'm not really sure I'm going to
navigate that. But I just want there to be a
lot of transparency in our family. I think with my family,
like you just said, it was just so like we
don't talk about anything bad.

Speaker 5 (17:26):
We don't talk about.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Anything that's other than it's very surface level like what's
for dinner, what sports we got going on, well, if
you have any homework, and then just never went anything
deeper than that. So I just want there to be
a lot of like depth and transparency in our family
and like nothing is off the table. You can tell
me anything and I will not judge you. I will
still love you. So that's really my advice to people

(17:49):
is to just not shame your.

Speaker 5 (17:52):
Kid or not not make them think you can't tell
them anything.

Speaker 1 (17:58):
One example, sorry I'm rambling, but example I have is
like in high school, like I just could not tell
my parents anything. I started to lie more obviously It's
like I'm gonna lie if I can't tell you the truth.

Speaker 5 (18:09):
So I lied.

Speaker 1 (18:10):
I did things I said I was doing things I
wasn't doing.

Speaker 5 (18:13):
Anyways, I was at like.

Speaker 1 (18:14):
A small house party, and this party ended up getting
like robbed and someone they had like none, wow, yeah.

Speaker 5 (18:21):
They had a gun.

Speaker 1 (18:21):
And so once we saw the gun, everyone ran and
fled and I like sprained my ankle because I was
wearing wedges.

Speaker 5 (18:27):
I was like why was I wearing wedges at a
house party?

Speaker 1 (18:31):
And anyways, like I didn't tell my parents because I
was more terrified I'm telling my parents than what I
had just witnessed. Like I was terrified to tell them
that I was at a party because I knew it
was going to be like why were you at a party,
you know, just stuff like that. It's like, I shouldn't
be scared to tell the people who I'm supposed to

(18:51):
trust the most with like information like that. So eventually
I did tell them and it was all good and whatever.
But again, it was just like that shame piece, and
so I developed so much shame in my life. That's
been the biggest emotion I've had to overcome, is just shame.
Because Donald, I was never directly told like you're shameful,

(19:12):
but you know, like body language and like not being
encouraged to express your feelings, you build up shame.

Speaker 3 (19:21):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
So can we revisit what you kind of said almost
in passing about your mom committing suicide because I did
not know that piece?

Speaker 1 (19:31):
Yeah. So yeah, and it's a very very very long story.
This could be like a lifetime series. Yeah, but just
kind of cliff notes. I guess I have three siblings
growing up. Like I said, like, my parents were amazing
parents as far as taking care of us.

Speaker 5 (19:51):
My mom got to be a fan of a mom.
My dad worked, he was an entrepreneur, he did very well.
He was like very financially.

Speaker 1 (19:59):
Well off, and we were like not like super wealthy
or rich or like anything like that. But we were
just like upper middle class, like had a nice house,
semi nice cars, whatever. But my mom didn't ever have
to work. Fast forward, all of the kids are grown
and out of the house. And obviously this is all
in hindsight and reflecting back on my parents' relationship because

(20:19):
growing up I aspired to be my parents, like I
thought they had the best relationship. But looking back, I
can help be differently is that they just weren't emotionally
deep individually or together. It was just like, let's take
care of the kids, let's take care of the house.
We don't really have like a deep, deep, deep connection.

(20:40):
And so when all the kids were out of the house,
they were grown, they were all in college whatever, married
getting married. It was just my dad and my mom,
And I can't tell you exactly what happened, but my
opinion is just that my mom really started to lose
herself because her identity was being a mom and being
a wife, and my parents started to have problems. There

(21:02):
was like mental illness going on in the house.

Speaker 5 (21:06):
Just a lot, a lot of dark stuff for a
couple of years.

Speaker 1 (21:08):
My dad ended up getting like severely mentally ill. Then
my mom got mentally ill, which to me personally.

Speaker 5 (21:15):
So I note this.

Speaker 1 (21:16):
I just think it was a lot of unresolved trauma
that never got dealt with, and so I think over
time for years. This went on for like a year
and a half two years when my mom just she
just didn't have an identity other than well, my kids
don't need me anymore, my husband is like mentally ill
and saying he wants a divorce and all this. I

(21:37):
just think she was like, there's nothing else for me
in this life other other than this, and it's gone.

Speaker 5 (21:42):
So she just got very depressed.

Speaker 1 (21:45):
Physical anxiety was constantly like just had so much physical symptoms.

Speaker 5 (21:49):
She would like rub her neck all the time like this, like.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
Yeah, So for a couple of years, it was just
like we didn't know what the heck was going on
in our family. The weird like we went from this
perfect everyone wanted to come over to our house, like
we had so much fun, we had a pool, we
had it was just like the best upbringing, and then
to like no one came over. The house was empty, dark,

(22:15):
very cold. My parents were like so sick, they would
stay in their rooms. They were depressed. And then my mother, yeah,
she just multiple times she would leave the house without
her phone, and we would always kind of be like, well,
she's not really great mentally, Like I know, I've had
to I had to have the cops called on her

(22:36):
multiple times. And then one day was June twenty first,
twenty fifteen, which happened to be Father's Day, she left
the house and we kind of just didn't think anything
of it because she'd always come back like a puppy,
being well, she's.

Speaker 5 (22:51):
Gone, but she'll come back.

Speaker 1 (22:53):
She left her phone at the house, and my brother,
little brother, and little sister ended up getting on the
computer and tracking my dad's credit card, so we saw
that she had checked into a hotel work around like
four or five, and then around like eight or nine,
they decided that they were going to go try to
talk to her or try to find her. So they

(23:14):
went to that hotel that she was at, and the
front desk lady didn't want to tell them any information
about my mom. Obviously, I think it's illegal to give
information about a guest their room, and they basically had
to beg and plead with her and just say, listen,
my mom is suicidal. We are here because we need
to either talk to her or you know, take her home,

(23:37):
and they the lady eventually broke down and let her
let them know what room she was in. They went
to the room and they knocked on the door and
they heard her inside, and so they're like, hey, mom, like,
you know, come out, it's okay, it's April and.

Speaker 5 (23:53):
COVID like, I just want to talk to you.

Speaker 1 (23:55):
And then my brother will tell you that he actually
heard her put bulls and a gun like herd bullets
clinking together. And then the next thing, you know, within
thirty seconds, there was a gun shot and they ran
down the hall, got the elevator, went down to the
front does person and told them what happened. And yeah,

(24:16):
she ended up taking her life in a hotel with
my little siblings outside the hall.

Speaker 5 (24:22):
And yeah, so that is what.

Speaker 1 (24:27):
Unresolved rama will do. Yeah, honestly, Yeah, it's really really sad.
So that was ten years ago this year.

Speaker 2 (24:38):
So let's talk about happier stuff now.

Speaker 3 (24:41):
So let's talk about what you do now.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
And I want to I would love for you to
tell your wedding story because you know, Florida is such
a great place to get married, especially during hurricane season.

Speaker 5 (24:57):
We'll start it like that you want to talk about
the wedding.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
Yeah, let let's talk about the wedding first and then
we'll go on to what.

Speaker 5 (25:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (25:04):
So Tyler and I we met in December or sorry,
we met in September of twenty twenty, kind of started
dating December twenty twenty, and we've been together ever since.
We were together two and a half years, and then
we found out we were pregnant, so we got pregnant.

Speaker 5 (25:22):
First, we did things a little backwards, got.

Speaker 1 (25:25):
Pregnant, and then that we got pregnant in July June July.
So then next year, we like obviously wanted to get
married and stuff. We were going to be together forever,
but we wanted to get married on ten ten, which
is both of our favorite numbers, so we always are like,
we have to get married on ten tent well ten ten.

(25:46):
Twenty twenty four, I was pretty pregnant, and I was like, listen,
I'm not getting married in a dwedding dress with a
big old bops. So we've been doing it that year
and then so then we had the baby in February
twenty twenty four. I'm sorry, So I was pregnant twenty
twenty three sorry, and then had Tyson in February twenty
twenty four. So this coming up October, I was like, oll, hey,

(26:07):
it's perfect. We can plan a wedding now we have
a baby, Like I'm not pregnant, we have like, you know,
five six months to plan it.

Speaker 5 (26:14):
And yeah.

Speaker 1 (26:15):
So we had a one hundred person wedding planned on
cs to Beach.

Speaker 5 (26:19):
We had the location.

Speaker 1 (26:20):
I'm not like a super big wedding kind of person,
so what wasn't going to be anything fancy. But the
most thing we were excited about was just we had
a lot of people flying in. Like my whole family
from Oklahoma was flying in. All their kids were going
to be in the wedding. Our friends were flying in,
Our friends here were going to come. And yeah, about
a week out from the wedding is when all the storms.

Speaker 5 (26:42):
Started rolling in.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
The biggest hurricane I think to date, or maybe like
the top three, I don't know, was rolling in right
into cs to Key, Like on the day of our
wedding on ten ten. I remember my little brother was
the first to call me like five days out maybe
and she told me they weren't going to come, and
I was like, oh my gosh, so at that point,

(27:05):
I'm just thinking they're the only ones going to miss
the wedding, and I'm like.

Speaker 5 (27:09):
Dang, like I'm so sad they're going to miss.

Speaker 1 (27:10):
And then people started dropping like flies because they're seeing
the flights, they're seeing the weather.

Speaker 5 (27:15):
And I'm like, what do we do? So we still
just wanted to keep that date. It was super sentimental
to us.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
So let's see, I think the wedding was going to
be on a Thursday, and so on Monday morning before
it got really crazy, we did elope or we did
evacuate to the Panhandle of Florida, whether there was no
storms and we were.

Speaker 5 (27:37):
Able to elope.

Speaker 1 (27:39):
My sister was able to change her flight and fly
into Fort Walton. She got ordained on the internet.

Speaker 5 (27:46):
And wow and Bill yeah, made it out to marry us.

Speaker 1 (27:53):
But like I think we were talking about it before
when we were packing up our house evacuating, putting shutters on,
I didn't I wasn't honestly going to ground my wedding stuff.

Speaker 5 (28:02):
I was just like, well, we'll figure.

Speaker 1 (28:05):
Something out, like we'll get married and we get back
or we'll wait or whatever. It's like, you know what,
let me just grab our stuff just in case, so
I grabbed like my dress, his clothes, the rings, and
I think that's it, and yeah, nothing else and so
like very impromptu elopement, very last minute.

Speaker 5 (28:23):
We still did it on ten ten in Rosemary.

Speaker 1 (28:26):
Beach, Florida. My sister got us married. My sister reached
out to some new stations. We had two new stations
come out and like document it and then interview.

Speaker 5 (28:36):
Wow, yeah about like.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
Evacuation, elopement and from Hurricane Milton. But that was it
was cool. It's a cool story. It's a cool story. Again,
like the goal was to get married on ten ten
and that's what we did.

Speaker 5 (28:49):
So yeah, that's a special Yeah, it was fun.

Speaker 3 (28:54):
Definitely, very very memorable.

Speaker 1 (28:55):
Yeah yeah, it's just that just sums of our life.

Speaker 5 (29:00):
Honestly.

Speaker 1 (29:01):
It's like, this is why I don't plan anything, because
hurricanes can ruin my plans. I just I'm like not
a planner, not like a far out planner. I like
to plan within two months, Like two months range is good.
It gives me like, Okay, I don't think anything's gonna
happen in the next two months.

Speaker 3 (29:19):
Yeah, so unpredictable here.

Speaker 2 (29:21):
Okay, So then going into what you do now, I
mean I love that you have a little boy, which
is amazing. So and I know you're super into fitness
and we'd love to hear about more and more about
what you do.

Speaker 1 (29:33):
Yeah, you know, I think what I do now has
been a journey and the last ten years honestly has
led me to to where I am now. After my
mom passed away, I spent about two years just like
deflecting it and denying it and not actually facing what
happened again and going back to my acceptance piece of
just like I just because I didn't know how to

(29:54):
talk about my feelings, I just swept everything under the rug,
was like, well that's life, and oh, well that happened.
So I was pretty into fitness in I started a
online fitness business in twenty fifteen. I had so much
happen in twenty fifteen. I started a business. My mom
passed away, I'd gotten I had just gotten married. I've

(30:15):
been married before. I don't know if you knew that.
So I've been married and divorced before. And so I
started an online fitness business. Then I did personal training.
I did that in Oklahoma for a couple of years,
and then I moved to California because I wanted to
get more opportunity with health and fitness, did that for
three years, had some pretty cool opportunity. That's when I

(30:35):
got into my horrible relationship.

Speaker 5 (30:38):
And then when COVID hit.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
Is really when I started to do the healing work
on myself. And so through that journey, I kind of
turned fitness, health and wellness coach, nutrition fitness model, sponsored
athlete into more like a holistic mental health advocate who
loves to share about emotional health because at the end
of the day, you can have a rock and bod,

(31:01):
but not have a rock and mindset, and you actually
need your mind more than your body.

Speaker 5 (31:05):
So through my just journey and.

Speaker 1 (31:08):
Experiences, I've just shared so much through the podcast. I
started Habits You Love podcast actually about three years ago
around this time. So right now I just do the
podcast and I just raise my child and I think
it's all just like a full circle moment and just
he's he really inspires me because he just keeps me

(31:30):
working on myself, which in turn I can share more
to the world. And at this point in my life,
I am kind of over like coaching people. I want
to have a more laissez faire approach and just have
the podcast, write books some all I need to catch
up with you. Yeah, yeah, I like books, do speaking engagements,

(31:51):
and like I kind of just want to have this
like laissez fair inspirational approach to helping people as opposed
to like coaching one on one or anything like that.

Speaker 5 (32:01):
So that is what I do.

Speaker 3 (32:05):
I love that, And.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
So the podcasts that you have now, I mean I
want actually I want to go back first to something
that you said, because you know, we talk about fitness
so often and getting yourself in shape, but I do
believe the mental fitness part is such a huge part
of anything we do. Like if if we're not good
with ourselves, then doesn't matter looking in the mirror, right,

(32:32):
It's really about reflecting on the things that you've gone through,
what you've struggled with, you know, what your achievements are,
like kind of owning all of that and and live.
I look at you and I think, Okay, you have
not had to deal with I mean any of those
kinds of crazy things. You have a great boyfriend, you

(32:52):
have you know, family that says like do whatever you want,
do all the things, like we'll support you, you know.
I mean, is that like a do you sometimes think like, wait,
I need some drama, I need some you know.

Speaker 4 (33:09):
I think that it just shows that regardless of everything
I have, I still struggle. I mean, I think one
of my biggest struggles that I've actually been working really
on this week is how people perceive me and just
realizing a it's not usually they don't even care, and
be why does it matter? And I mean, I've been

(33:32):
given every resource. I'm in regular therapy, I have been
for a while now, and I still struggle. And I
think that that's the important part that I want to highlight,
is that no one's going to be perfect, and it's
always going to be an uphill battle, and some weeks
are a lot better than others. But I mean, I

(33:52):
think like mental fitness is the same as physical fitness.
It's something that you don't just once you hit your
goal weight, you're not just done. And it's once you
hit your goal mental health, you're not done. It ebbs
and flows just like everything else, and it's a constant,
constant work, constant battle.

Speaker 2 (34:09):
Honestly, I think there's this assumption that so, I mean,
the reason I said it like that was that so
you come from a good family, you're doing all these
things and life has to be perfect. Again, there's no
such thing as perfect. But I think sometimes people want
to know that they're not the only ones struggling, right. Yeah,

(34:29):
So I was talking to someone the other day and
he was telling me this story about a woman who
she was giving this speech about happiness and when she
told him this, you know, she gave the speech to
him and he said, you're missing a really key part,
which is you didn't share with what you struggled with,

(34:52):
and so people are going to look at you and say,
of course she's happy, she's beautiful, she's thin, she's got
this great life. But you need to lead with, Hey,
this is what I went through to get to this.
These are the things I struggle with every day still,
because people do want to know that they're not alone
in this, and I think the more we talk about things,
the better it gets.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (35:14):
I love Kila, how you're so into therapy and highlight
that so much because it's something that I kind of
unintentionally do in my life. I'm very open about the
fact that I go to therapy, and like, when I
think I had a good session, I was kind of
like my conversations the next day kind of like, oh,
this is what my therapist told me, and I think
it's so important. Even if you don't think you have

(35:36):
deep seated traumas or whatever, like your struggles aren't enough,
that doesn't matter. Everyone should go through And that is
something right there that you need to unpack in therapy,
that your struggles aren't worthy enough of therapy.

Speaker 1 (35:49):
You need to go to therapy to talk about why
you don't think you need to go to therapy, Yeah, exactly.
Well what you just said was interesting because it's like
if we could brag about going to our therapist as
much as we bragg about having a personal trainer, it's
the same thing.

Speaker 5 (36:04):
It's like, I'm going to my.

Speaker 1 (36:05):
Personal trainer, yeah, to get a session because I need
to fix my body. I'm going to my therapy because
I need a session to fix my mind.

Speaker 5 (36:14):
It's the same thing.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
So we just have to have It's not as taboo
to go to your personal trainer and spend one hundred dollars,
but it's more taboo to have a therapist, so you
pay one hundred dollars.

Speaker 5 (36:23):
I don't really know why.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
Yeah, I think that's such a great way of putting it, because, yeah,
people are like, oh, yeah, my personal trainer came over today,
but you know, you want to talk about your therapists.
They're like, oh yeah, and it's like that, which I
think it's changed yet.

Speaker 3 (36:37):
I mean I do for sure, and.

Speaker 1 (36:38):
If you can get people to keep talking about it,
but yeah, it's like I always feel so much better
after therapy, and I'm sure people feel the same way
about a personal.

Speaker 5 (36:47):
Trainer or workout.

Speaker 1 (36:48):
It's like, yeah, I'm sore the next day, like I
can feel it in my body, but then mentally we're like, wow,
I feel so clear headed, I feel so refreshed. I
feel like brand new. It's like it's the same thing,
the same thing, but your mind. Well maybe maybe it won't,
maybe not always last as long as your body, but
I think it's important to keep it in tip top shape.

Speaker 2 (37:13):
Yeah, and I think it's that constant. It's not like
you go one time and oh everything's better. I mean, so,
I'm really big on positive affirmations and I've had a
few people now say to me, Oh, those don't work.
I'm like, well, tell me how you tried them. Well
I tried them once.

Speaker 3 (37:31):
They don't work. I'm like, oh, you tried them. Once.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
Okay, so you went to the gym once and you
got in shape. You took one Spanish lession, and now
you're fluent in the language, like all these things that
people have this thought process of like Okay, it didn't
work right away.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
And you know people do that with dieting too, right,
They like, oh, I.

Speaker 2 (37:49):
Ate healthy for a week and nothing's happening, right, Okay,
Well you got to think about all the things. And
the same thing with therapy, like it doesn't things don't
happen overnight. Everything is one step at a time.

Speaker 1 (37:59):
Yeah, absolutely, Olivia. I don't do mind how me asking
how old you are?

Speaker 5 (38:05):
Yeah, I'm trying to tell.

Speaker 1 (38:06):
You that's what I thought, because when I think about
in my mind is like I didn't I didn't realize
any of this until I was thirty, so I had
so far back to go to catch up to thirty.
Like I always say, like, oh, what do I say?
I can't remember, but but basically sorry, I'm trying to

(38:28):
say that if you could start as early as possible,
like your emotional and your mental and your physical could
kind of all be in line and like kind of
go through life together. Whereas like my physical was so
far ahead of my mental and emotional so I had
to like stop in my tracks and go back and
be like I have to work through so much to
get caught up with my physical age, my body. But

(38:52):
if I had done this when I was fifteen, eighteen twenty,
then like I feel like I would just be like
in line, if that makes like, if that makes sense,
if that's a visual so forture too, you're like, yeah,
I'm going to struggle my entire life probably, but I
have the awareness to like, Okay, I'm struggling with this,
let me work on this. But for me, I built

(39:13):
up so much that like I had to unpack a
lot and I had to work on one thing, and
then I was like, Okay, I got that done, all right,
what's next to like work on that thing? Whereas I
would have rather just worked through it in the moment
as opposed to building up like a mountain that I
had to overcome.

Speaker 4 (39:30):
And I think there is kind of it's lessening, but
still a sentiment, especially around like males my age, that
like I'll put these problems off later. Like so I'm
in law school right now, and so a lot of
what I talk about in therapy is like my struggles
with that, and a lot of it is like the
social anxiety that comes with that. But I think a
lot of people my age have the mindset, well, these

(39:50):
problems won't exist three years from now when we're out
of law school. Therefore, I'll just wait until I'm out
of law school and then we won't have them anymore.
And I'll just wait until I'm out of my twenties
and more stable, and then i won't have the problems
that I currently have. But that's not how that works.
You're just building up You're probably gonna have those problems
and different one.

Speaker 5 (40:09):
You're just building up three years of work that you're
gonna have to unpack.

Speaker 4 (40:13):
Yeah. Yeah, And I think one of the things I
like really am trying to do right now is like
people are employed in their fields for a reason, and
you should like pay the people that have been doing
the training to like help you in these fields, whether
that's you know, a personal trainer, like going to a
doctor instead of like using Google. And part of that

(40:33):
is also going to therapy instead of oh I don't
need to talk about it, or like you get drunk
once every month and just like have a breakdown instead
because I think that's what a lot of people in
my age do like unfortunately, so yeah, is that you
just bottle it all up.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
They unleash it whenever they feel in a vulnerable and
that moment where their emotions are. You know, they're more
vulnerable when you're drunk and you're willing to say whatever. Yeah,
well I don't know, just kidding.

Speaker 4 (41:02):
No, that's not legit. Yeah, And I think people my
age really tried to especially if you, like I was
raised in open book. I'm one of the most open
people I know. I'll talk about anything everything, it does
not matter to me. And if you weren't raised like that,
or you don't necessarily have the confidence to do that,
you wouldn't even think of starting to talk to someone

(41:26):
about it. And I think therapy is the best way
to do that because I always thought of it as
someone that actually wants to listen to your problems versus
just venting your friends, and someone that has like an
unbiased perspective and can actually like call you on your shit.
Absolutely yep, And it's become so much more accessible now.
I just love therapy. I can rise about it for hours,

(41:48):
like yeah, I mean I just got like for my sessions.
They're twenty bucks a session now because I've we've because
of insurance, and even if you don't have insurance, like
betterhelp is out there. There's so many more accessible resent
sources that I truly think like every listener should be
in therapy.

Speaker 1 (42:04):
Yeah, absolutely, I think talk. I think just talking about
of your chest because I yeah, like my therapy. My therapist,
she'd be like, you look like a different person than
when you walked in, Like your countenance, your eyes were black.

Speaker 5 (42:21):
When you walked in, you.

Speaker 1 (42:21):
Were pale, and now you're glowing when you leave. Like
just getting it out.

Speaker 5 (42:27):
Of your body is so important, so important.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
And we're so used to stuffing things down, right, I mean,
and but Olivia, I want to bring up a point
to you before because I know we're getting close on time.
But okay, you what you said a couple of weeks
ago when we were talking about self care, and You're like,
I'm going to wait, I'm not doing anything for myself
right now.

Speaker 3 (42:49):
I'm like saving it for spring.

Speaker 4 (42:50):
Yeah, and then I had a breakdown. Okay, so we
had that whole episode where I was like I can't
do that anymore.

Speaker 2 (42:58):
Right, And so the same thing with talking to other people,
like why therapy is so important when you're younger, so
that you're not holding all these things in and then
everything's just going to explode out right. You're like every
day you're in what I loved, what Kayla said. You're
working on it in the moment. You don't have to
go back to when you were thirteen years old then

(43:18):
this happened. Like you're working on it in the moment,
which I think is key, And yes, everyone listening should
be doing this.

Speaker 1 (43:26):
I so I just released an episode on triggers, and
I think when you do wait that long, you will
start to notice you are experiencing triggers. So that is
a big part of therapy. It's just like, why do
I react this way when this thing happens. This is
a pattern of my life. When this happens, I either

(43:47):
like shut down, I would draw, I get physical symptoms,
I cry, I get emotional. So I think triggers are
a big piece where you could just start to start
to understand yourself and get cure. Like think about when
you get the most worked up, when your emotions are
really heightened, and be like that is a trigger, which

(44:09):
means that is a unhealed wound, which means systems from childhood.
Literally just start there like I did. There's three triggers
that I went through. One was criticism, rejection, and control.
So I'll do the rejection example ofs like if you
freak out because someone's not texting you back right away,
that's a form of abandonment, like you think you're being abandoned. So, okay,

(44:31):
where did this come from? Did I what did I
feel abandoned growing up? Was there inconsistency in my childhood?
Was there like one parent here all the time and
they were gone? And then so it's like the symptom,
the trigger, think about what how you feel about it,
the root cause, and then you start to take the
healing action to that. And that's basically aligned with acceptance,

(44:53):
awareness or i'm sorry, acceptance, acknowledgment and awareness.

Speaker 5 (44:57):
So I think that's a good place to start. Is
just like.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
Recognize the next time that you have very heightened emotions
and recognize what just happened. And then that's a big
clue as something you need to work on because think
about it, like usually during the day we're just fine,
we're fine, but of course things are going to happen
where we do have those heightened emotions, or we have
those physical symptoms where we have anxiety, we have a

(45:20):
tight chest, we get shaky, we.

Speaker 5 (45:22):
Get nervous, or we're irrational, we lash out.

Speaker 1 (45:25):
And so that's another way that people can just start
if they're like, well, I cannot go to therapy, I
don't have any money.

Speaker 5 (45:32):
Okay, Like literally, just journal about.

Speaker 1 (45:34):
Your triggers, yes, and start to recognize when they happen.

Speaker 4 (45:40):
Yeah, keep track of your emotions. I think it's really important. Okay,
we're running out of time, so I'll ask my final question,
which is, what's the best advice a woman in your
life has ever given you?

Speaker 5 (45:52):
Okay, I know.

Speaker 1 (45:58):
You asked this for the form, and now I can't
remember what I said.

Speaker 5 (46:06):
I can't remember what I said, so I look at it.

Speaker 3 (46:09):
It could be anything. Yeah, it could be anything.

Speaker 5 (46:11):
I really don't I don't know.

Speaker 1 (46:14):
I think just the best piece of advice I've just
gotten is just like to be authentic, honestly, Like, I've
tried so hard to fit into other molds of what
other people are doing, and it either works but I
feel horrible or it doesn't work. So I think just
discovering your true authentic self what you are put on

(46:37):
this earth to do what your purpose is. You need
to have your blinders on. You don't need to keep
leeching on to what other people are doing just because
it's working for them, because that's their purpose and maybe
not yours. So really, that authentic piece for me is
has been really like I feel like I'm really just

(46:58):
starting to get it.

Speaker 5 (46:59):
At third.

Speaker 1 (47:02):
I will say, I don't think you know, I even
started the process again like till four or five years ago.
So I think of myself almost as like a five
year old in a way, like I picture my birth
as when I started to do the healing work. So
I can't sit here and be like, yeah, I'm thirty five,
but it's like, really, I've I'm really only like four

(47:22):
or five because I've only had these tools for that long.
Whereas if I would have had them when I was
twenty twenty two, I could look at my life and
be like, okay, I should probably be farther than that,
since I've been doing this for ten twenty or ten
to fifteen years. But so I had to give myself
grace and just again, I feel like I'm just now
really stepping into that authenticity and being more confident and

(47:45):
going after things without so people pleasing or perfectionist or
being like what are people going to think or like?
Or this isn't what I've been doing the last ten years.
I think that's a big one for me, is like
how will people react when I like change what I'm doing?
Like you kind of said how people perceive me? And

(48:06):
it's like, well, Kala's been doing that? What is she
doing now?

Speaker 5 (48:09):
And it's like I had this weird like what are
they going to think?

Speaker 4 (48:12):
Like?

Speaker 5 (48:12):
You know, but I just have to stay true to
what I feel like is my path and my purpose.

Speaker 1 (48:17):
And that has all stemmed from being authentic and vulnerable
and individual and knowing my own creativity.

Speaker 2 (48:25):
Because it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. Okay, live,
give me your calendar for the day you always wait.
I didn't tell you this before that, But she I
bought her a calendar called the unf Yourself Calendar, and
I got it for her two years ago, and so
every time we do an episode, she reads from it

(48:45):
because it a lot of times it aligns with what
we what we're talking about. Oh, okay, now you may go,
Now you may go.

Speaker 4 (48:52):
You are a self generative phenomenon of a miracle of being.
Remember when you share love, that's what it is, and
oppertun tunity for you to express your love. You share it,
and your ability to do so is limitless.

Speaker 3 (49:06):
Oh I love that.

Speaker 5 (49:07):
I like it.

Speaker 3 (49:09):
Yeah, it's a good calendar. It's always got good.

Speaker 4 (49:11):
Oh.

Speaker 5 (49:11):
I like that. It's like a little that's like affirmation thing.

Speaker 4 (49:15):
Yeah, I like it a lot because it's not just
like you are that that's in the world. It's like,
remember that you are amazing and stop putting yourself down
all the time.

Speaker 5 (49:24):
Oh my god.

Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yeah, and half the time it swears that you which
is Yeah.

Speaker 1 (49:30):
One last thing I want to say about you know,
and I kind of just touched on it, but you
have said you you're scared of how people will perceive you.
I always think back, like, am I spending my day
perceiving someone else?

Speaker 5 (49:42):
No?

Speaker 1 (49:43):
So it's kind of like when people are scared to
go to the gym because they'll be judged. I'm like,
but would you go to the gym and just sit
there and judge someone the whole time?

Speaker 5 (49:53):
Probably not.

Speaker 1 (49:54):
So you have to think about how much energy and
time you spend thinking about someone else's life. Because really
all just pretty self absorbed in our own life to
care what anyone else is doing.

Speaker 5 (50:04):
That's what I always do.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Yeah, there was a time where I remember I was
sending an email for something and the person didn't respond,
and so I was saying to my husband, Oh, I
must have offended them. I must have done this, I
must have done that. And He's like, Simone, they're not
even thinking about you, like they probably didn't even see
an email. You're like, you're so caught up in this,
And you know, he was absolutely right.

Speaker 3 (50:28):
They're not thinking about me.

Speaker 2 (50:29):
They don't care what I'm wearing to the gym, they
don't care what my hair looks like, like nobody, Nobody's
out there just going, oh, I'm going to judge everybody
I see today, Like, no, we don't we you know,
trust me, people do, but that's not how we go
around living our daily life. So yeah, yeah, okay, So
where can people find you?

Speaker 5 (50:47):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (50:48):
So I am actually trying to get a lot better
at tiktoks because it's way better than Instagram right now,
So I'm on TikTok at klaphite or habits you Love,
Instagram Kalo fight or habits you Love currently redoing my website,
so that's down. But it's either Calafi dot com or
habits you love dot com everything Caylafi or have it

(51:09):
see a thie Yes, yes, so any socials YouTube, Facebook,
that's what you can search and you'll find me.

Speaker 5 (51:14):
Yeah f F I T.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
E awesome, I t E perfect and we'll have all
the information in the show notes as well. Okay, our
confidence tip of the day. Confidence doesn't start with I'm ready.
It starts with I'm willing, willing to show up, willing
to try, willing to be seen even when it's messy.
The more you practice willingness, the more confidence follows. Well.

(51:38):
Always remember you are unshakable. Thank you so much for
joining us.

Speaker 6 (51:42):
Bye, guys, thank you for listening to her unshakable confidence
with Simone and Olivia Canego. We hope this episode has
made your day just a little bit brighter and giving
you the inspiration you need to confidently go about your week.
Always remember to be authentically. You don't forget to like

(52:02):
and subscribe so you never miss an episode, and feel
free to connect with them on Instagram at Simone Conego
and at Olivia Conego.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
Till next time,

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