May 27, 2025 • 33 mins
Episode Summary:
In this vulnerable and enlightening conversation, co-hosts dive deep into the emotional layers of what we often brush off as "just stress." This mother-daughter heart-to-heart explores how anxiety hides in plain sight, often masked by productivity, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.Together, they share personal experiences, family patterns, and the moment they realized that what they were feeling wasn’t just stress—it was anxiety. Whether you’re silently struggling or loudly overwhelmed, this episode is a reminder that you're not alone—and that naming what you're feeling is the first step to healing.
Actionable Takeaways:
00:00 – Intro
03:15 – “It’s not stress, it’s anxiety”: The moment of realization
07:42 – Generational patterns and pressure to be everything for everyone
13:10 – Silent vs. loud anxiety: How it shows up differently
17:35 – Why vulnerability builds stronger relationships
22:50 – The role of therapy in breaking cycles
27:00 – Final thoughts and a confidence reminder
👉 💬 Connect with Us
Don’t forget to subscribe to Her Unshakeable Confidence for more empowering stories and actionable insights. Leave us a review, share your favorite moments, and tag us on social media!
✨ Take our new QUIZ and find out how much self-doubt is holding you back.
🎁Subscribe to our exclusive email list and receive our downloadable, FREE GUIDE, Positive affirmations to Live Life AuthenticallyClick HERE to get your copy!
📖 Order Simone’s Book
Connect with Simone Knego:
Empower your day with a dose of confidence. New designs drop regularly!
In this vulnerable and enlightening conversation, co-hosts dive deep into the emotional layers of what we often brush off as "just stress." This mother-daughter heart-to-heart explores how anxiety hides in plain sight, often masked by productivity, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.Together, they share personal experiences, family patterns, and the moment they realized that what they were feeling wasn’t just stress—it was anxiety. Whether you’re silently struggling or loudly overwhelmed, this episode is a reminder that you're not alone—and that naming what you're feeling is the first step to healing.
Actionable Takeaways:
- Recognize the difference between stress and anxiety in your daily life
- Pause and reflect before overcommitting—anxiety often hides in your “yes”
- Consider therapy or counseling as a way to explore and unpack emotions
- Set boundaries with people or situations that fuel anxiety
- Make space for emotional honesty in your relationships
- Give yourself permission to rest without guilt
00:00 – Intro
03:15 – “It’s not stress, it’s anxiety”: The moment of realization
07:42 – Generational patterns and pressure to be everything for everyone
13:10 – Silent vs. loud anxiety: How it shows up differently
17:35 – Why vulnerability builds stronger relationships
22:50 – The role of therapy in breaking cycles
27:00 – Final thoughts and a confidence reminder
👉 💬 Connect with Us
Don’t forget to subscribe to Her Unshakeable Confidence for more empowering stories and actionable insights. Leave us a review, share your favorite moments, and tag us on social media!
✨ Take our new QUIZ and find out how much self-doubt is holding you back.
🎁Subscribe to our exclusive email list and receive our downloadable, FREE GUIDE, Positive affirmations to Live Life AuthenticallyClick HERE to get your copy!
📖 Order Simone’s Book
Connect with Simone Knego:
- Instagram: @simoneknego
- Facebook: @speakersimoneknego
- LinkedIn: simoneknego
- Website: www.simoneknego.com
- Book a free call with Simone
- Instagram: @oliviaknego
- LinkedIn: oliviaknego
Empower your day with a dose of confidence. New designs drop regularly!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to her unshakeable confidence.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
With dynamic mother daughter duo Simone and Olivia Canego, where
they discuss the secrets of transformation and how to build
bold confidence and unwavering resilience. From intimate conversations with inspiring
guests to sharing their personal journeys of triumph and challenge,
Simone and Olivia create a supportive space where every woman
is encouraged to rise above her fears and love the
(00:32):
woman in the mirror, tune into her unshakeable confidence, and
join this special journey of connection and growth. It's like
catching up with old friends who inspire you to be
bravely and uniquely you.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
And that's not to call anyone out on that's listening
that has anxiety. You're not burdens You're not like and
I mean you're probably not. I don't know you individually,
and I think there are ways that you can be burdened,
some in other ways. But having anxiety doesn't autumn make
you a burden. I think what makes you a burden
is not working through it and just choosing to live
(01:07):
in that state, Because life gets so much better when
you realize that your heart doesn't have to be racing
twenty four to seven, or like one of my symptoms
when I was applying for law school was I like
was gagging all the time. I don't know why life
gets so much better when you realize, like that's not
how other people are living and you don't have to
live that way.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Have you ever been around someone so anxious that you
start questioning your own breathing patterns?
Speaker 4 (01:32):
Like?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Am I supposed to be this tense too? That's what
we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Today, Mom, Your anxiety is giving me anxiety.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
And you know what, I don't even really feel like
I have anxiety. That is a lot.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Oh my god, Oh my god. Why would you just
lie to our listeners?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I don't feel like it's traditional anxiety.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Okay, well I feel like well that yeah. First of all,
First of all, what is traditional? What does that even mean?
You don't know? I don't know. I don't We're not
mental health professionals or practitioners, So I'm not gonna go
on here and tell you that your anxiety is normal
or not normal. But you do have anxiety. I think
(02:14):
everyone has it, like not in a way like like
I have like an actual diagnosed anxiety disorder, and everyone
experiences different aspects of it. Maybe not everyone. Maybe people
have like such good control over the who they are
as individuals and they just stress instead.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yeah, I was gonna say, so, I feel like I stress.
I don't feel like I'm anxious, but I guess I'm wrong.
So I guess you will have a.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Sleep issues because of your anxiety. That would literally be
defined as what that is.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or
I feel like there's just that never ending to do
list that's anxiety. Yeah, okay, well, you.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Know, like because I I thought, you know what, you're right, like,
not everyone experience anxiety. I thought of the way my
brain worked for a very long time was how everyone
else has worked. No, I was way at ail. I
So I have generalized anxiety to disorder. I don't know
(03:14):
when I was diagnosed with thought a long time ago,
but so mine is not triggered by anything specifically, just
kind of my state of being. But I also have,
like over the years, developed really great coping mechanisms. I'm
on ani anxiety medication, which does wonders and I don't know,
(03:37):
I think though the whole idea of anxiety, your anxiety
giving me anxiety. It's very prevalent in my life because
when someone else stresses and I'm not stressing, I tend
to think, okay, well I need to be stressing, and
like I'm missing something in the equation. If everyone else
is stressed, that's actually a hole I dig myself in
(03:58):
quite regularly, especially in school, because I'll go into something
and be very confident about it and be like, no,
this wasn't a hard topic. This was fine, Like I
get it, and then everyone else is like, what do
you mean I didn't understand this at all? I'm like,
oh wait, like did I not get it? Like? Did
I not do the right thing? Am I far behind?
Am I not doing this correctly? And then you just
get into this like what's the right word, Like a
(04:19):
thought loophole where you can't pull yourself.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Out of it. Yeah, I mean I agree, and I
do see. I do see how I can give you anxiety.
Like if I'm stressing about something whatever we're going to
call it, then I definitely my tone of voice changes.
I become much much more impatient, and that makes you
(04:42):
guys like okay, stop freaking.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Yeah, yeah, I think I've the last couple of days
I've just I've been telling her to stop being so
reactionary towards things that aren't aren't that big of a deal.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
I know, but sometimes to me they are a big deal, right.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Yeah, sure, but what do you always tell me? It's
like you give advice and don't take.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
It a little bit. It is giving me advice take
a step back, Yeah, I know, I need to take
a step back with certain things. Like today. So we
were at Nerd graduation today and everybody was going different
directions and I just wanted to take a couple of
pictures because your dad had to go back to work
and Jabby finally had to take off, and everybody was scattered,
(05:25):
so we didn't get any pictures and that was like
frustrating to me. And everybody's like just chilling.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
But it's more and you don't, okay. I think the
difference is that you don't express your frustration and like
I am frustrated right now. You get very flustered, and
it manifests into this like reaction ory. You know, tone
of voice and even like your facial expression will change.
And I'm not saying like this is not accusatory. You
we all have our issues, like be for real. We
(05:49):
can call me out in like five minutes or so.
But yeah, like it, I mean, okay, at g I think, yeah,
like you maybe not a traditional sense. Fine, but would
you say that your mother has anxiety?
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Oh my gosh. Okay, so you can't get to get
your generation them own anxiety. Well, I'm not saying that
it's okay, okay, fine, okay, no, you know I haven't
been formally diagnosed. We'll say it shut at them.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah, so I know then which of our siblings have
been and who has not been.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Yeah, I know I stress about certain things. I mean yeah,
I mean I do. I stress about a lot of things.
There's a lot to stress about. There's six of you guys.
There's something. Oh, there's never one day that just it's
just quiet or it's calm, and if it is, yeah,
I was about to say something else.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, if I didn't text her for a day, she'd
be like, hello, are you dead?
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Well that's something my mom used to do to me.
She probably actually still does.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
But you do that to her sometimes?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Well lately, yeah, I was like, look at your phone, lady.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So but she's not a regreen anger.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
I know, she's not a screen ager. But but for you,
I think that The reason I say that is because
we do text constantly, right, Like, if I don't hear
from you, it means like the other night I didn't
hear from her sister. She calls every day, and you
know she's in Wales. It's not like she's close, and
so I didn't hear from her. And then I realized
(07:17):
at ten o'clock I hadn't heard from her, which is
then three o'clock in the morning, and I was like, Oh,
I hope she's okay, Right, it's just okay. I guess
that's anxiety.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I don't know, yeah, because you're thinking you're automatically going
to the worst case situation and set up. Oh, she
forgot to text me to go to bed. So I'll
give you an example. Two nights ago, my boyfriend is
still in Nashville, and we were out to dinner and
he didn't text me or call me. And when I
tried to call him when I got back, he wouldn't answer.
So I was like, oh, my god, he got hit
by a car on the way back from work. Oh
(07:47):
my god, something's wrong. The tornadoes hitting Nashal Right now,
I'm not finding anything on the news and I just
go to bed because I'm like, okay, you're being so
irrational right now, like be for real. Oh sorry, I
was just so sleepy last night. I just fell asleep,
like I'm so I literally so tired. I was like, okay,
this is just you know, it's irrational thoughts.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
For me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
That's I feel like how my anxiety manifests well in
the mental way. My physical symptoms can be funky, but
in a mental way, it just starts with the irrational thoughts. Okay,
primer example, better example. I'm sitting in court two days
ago before my grades for law school came out, and
I'm in my head, what if I fail and drop out?
(08:27):
Mind you, For me to have failed out, I would
have needed, I like to get all d's. I like
did the math, and I still could not get rid
of that feeling in my heart. Yeah, it would not
go away until it was RESULTD even though I know
it's irrational.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
And you got what straight is.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Yeah, so it's not fun obviously.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
So yeah, I mean that definitely makes a lot of sense.
I guess I just never thought about it like that.
For me, I just feel like I get stressed in
certain moments and then I put that stress out to
other people, and I know I do like I I
do it with your dad too, like we'll be driving star.
I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
What I realized is that our entire family is a
bit reaction it's reactionary. Yeah, I don't know the right reactionary.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Yeah, okay, and try to say reaction a yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I was like, is that a word? And I was
like no, no, no, no, no, straight as there's a couple
of e minuses. Let's see for real, you know, we
all immediately. And it's kind of something I've been trying
to untrain myself, so me like if someone says something
that pisses me off or like, oh my god, they
shouldn't have done that, to like take a step back
and like my prior. Okay, here's a good one for you.
(09:36):
Dad loves to say stupid shit just to piss you off. Yes,
and you have been married for.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Thirty two years Okay, I didn't know how long it was.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Thirty two years and you still fall for it every
single time, and you go, Rob.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Why would you do that? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
He does probably like four stupid things a year, but
says these statements at least like seven hundred times.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah I did something really stupid. I'm like okay, and.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Like, no, but a he'll be like I ordered one
hundred thousand dollars worth of wine and he'd be like
Rob and my mom, obviously he's kidding. Like obviously he's kidding.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
I feel like I don't fall for that as much.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Okay, I'm gone, you know, I mean, I for sure
not that.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
But he also still I'm not gonna say anything.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
We love him, but yeah, we love him.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
We're not talking about him because he doesn't like when
we talk about.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Him accept positively. Yes he's amazing, but he's silly.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah, he's silly. But the there is a big point,
Like I definitely have had friends in my life where
they were I guess I never thought like I had
anxiety because people around me stress so much more than
I did. Okay, so I was always considered the calm person,
the person that could fix everything. Like that was kind
(10:51):
of my quote unquote role among the friends group. Like
you call someone if you're if you have an issue,
call someone, She'll be able to fix it.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
And how did that burden affect you?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I think it gave me it stressed me out even more.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Yeah, especially when you don't have someone else that you
think you can rely on as well.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yeah, and you know what, so I rely on you
a lot, but you don't like that anymore.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
No, it's fine. Sometimes I just get agitated.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Yeah, like I'll be like, hey, can you watch this
for me? Or can you read this from me? And
she's like, okay, I just feeling now, like yo, last
couple of we do this.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
The last couple of weeks, I've just been trying to
bed post semester, and I just I'm back in the
swing though I have so much work to do now
it is insane.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
But the point of me asking you is because you
didn't have anything going on, and yeah, but I want
you about that, and it's different. My brain is now
on the work and brain again. Oh see, you're giving
me anxiety. See yeah, I mean, but I would say
that I have been around plenty of people who I
feel like are very anxious, and then you do feel
more anxious where Yeah, you know people that are anxious.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
And that's not to like call anyone out on that's
listening that has in anxiety. You're not burden some You're
not like and I mean you're probably not. I don't
know you individually, And I think there are ways that
you can be burden, some in other ways. But having
anxiety doesn't automatically make you a burden. I think what
makes you a burden is not working through it and
(12:20):
just choosing to live in that state. Because life gets
so much better when you realize that your heart doesn't
have to be raising twenty four to seven or like
one of my symptoms when I was applying for law
school was I like was gagging all the time, Like
I don't know why. Life gets so much better when
you realize like that's not how other people are living
and you don't have to live that way.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Yeah, I think you can. Definitely, there are definitely things
that I mean, there's so many tools now, I mean,
to be able to work through things. I guess yeah.
For me, I feel like I have something in the
moment and then I work through it and then it's better.
So yeah, I guess to look at it more. But
(13:02):
do you have friends around you that make you more anxious?
Speaker 1 (13:06):
I've had friends. I mean, I don't try to. I
try not to be in situations like that because I'm
so prone to being anxious. And Emma, my older sister,
we both have anxiety. We're the exact opposite ways that
(13:27):
we handle it. So when she, like school workers I
think are prime example, I have to so when I'm
getting essay assigned, I have to work on it every
single day before it is due, and even if it's
just like I said, a timeline of my okay, three
hundred words today. So without doing that, though, like I
don't think I'd have enough time. Even if I started
it a week before it's due, I would still in
(13:48):
my head be like, there's not enough time in my
day to finish this. So I have to be very
meticulous with how I do things. Her, on the other hand,
exact opposite. She's a crammer and she's good at it.
I am not, but she can do it all in
the last minute. And like being around her and studying
with her, that gives me anxiety.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Yeah. So I'm also very much a planner when it
comes to work, and I don't like waiting to the
left on anything that that absolutely stresses me out, gives
me anxiety. But yeah, she just and that's how she thrives,
and it almost takes me out. Yeah, I literally give.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Even hearing about it, I'm like, Oh, she's across the
world's literally an ocean away.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And she's staying up the whole night and finished something.
And you're like, why did you do this to yourself?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Like, she's fine, she does it, she gets it done.
One of the things, though, I will say, the idea
of being a meticulous planner that did not come naturally
to me. That was something like a coping mechanism and
a tactic that I developed because of my anxiety, because
I realized that this is not the state of being
I want to live in. What are ways I can
(14:55):
make this better? Pre planning talking to people when I
feel this way, if like I think even if I
had this irrational thought, are like, oh are they mad
at me? That's a very regular one of mine. I
just talked to them and most of the time it's
like why no, like not at all. Why would I
even think about that? Twice? So it's just like it
(15:16):
is coping because it's not like I can't be cured
of this.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I want to go back. I want to go back
for a second to the story about your sister and
that thriving on the last minute stuff. There's actually studies
that show I think there's a study out of Stanford
that shows that people that wait to the last minute
to do their work, they get that same rush as
you do when you ride a roller coaster. It's something
(15:42):
ridiculous like that, Like so, and they don't know how
to change their patterns. We'll see she said, like she's
going to do it different this next year for school.
But you know that those kinds of things. It's definitely
you can see like why people, i mean, everybody's different,
why people do things differfferent ways. But it's also having
(16:03):
that ability to take a step back in those moments
and say, Okay, she does things differently, it should not
affect how I feel. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
One of the parts of growing older.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
She's twenty two.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Yeah, that I have loved is that we are actually
all so unique. Like it's not just something your kids
you tell your kids growing up, Oh you're like a
little snowflake. No, Like, we are actually so unique, and
you can't do something the same way I can. I
can't do something the same way you can.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, And neither one is right, neither one, no.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
No, Because we're usually ninety nine percent of the time
we're getting to the same end result, and that's kind
of what matters. And your journey on the way is
your journey, and it's yours to live and experience and
figure out for yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Yeah, and you know, this conversation makes me really pause
and think, Okay, how am I gonna even just through
the rest of my day today? How am I going
to go through the rest of my day differently? Like
she has friends coming over or Noah just had his graduation,
we're cooking a big dinner and you know, my mom,
(17:08):
so my mom, And I'm going to say this before
like they're like, oh, she's so scattered. No, so my mom.
When she would invite us over for dinner, it would
always be amazing, and there would always be a freak
out during it, Yes, because she couldn't handle the pressure
of cooking for a big group, and then she was
never felt like it was good enough or it was
(17:30):
the timing wasn't right, and so she would get herself
so worked up over stuff, and we're like, it's great,
take a breath. We don't know what you're upset about.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
And it seemed to happen almost Yeah, And I think
it's you know, looking back at those moments you don't
even remember what actually triggered you in that moment ninety
nine percent of the time, but you remember the anxiety
attack and the panic attack that happened because of it.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
And I mean, it is just it's figuring out, like coping.
And you know, Grandma, you know what if building an
extra time, like an hour into her time, or just realizing,
like you know, it's hard to say, just realizing we're family.
We're gonna love your food no matter what Grandma's and
to be good.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
And it's the asking for help that was yes thing
that she'd be like, no, I got it, I got it. Well,
we're all capable of jumping in, we're all capable of helping.
And I feel like she and again I'm overthinking, but
that she felt like if she wasn't doing it all,
then she wasn't good enough. Yeah, And I don't see
(18:30):
it like that at all.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
I mean, and she grew up in a very different
era with very different parents and you know where, yeah,
you were, especially for women, you had to do it
all yourself to be this perfect housewife. And on top
of that, she was fully a doctor, she.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Worked full time, but like and she was cooked meals.
Yeah night.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
And also one of the things that I should do
more is ask for help before I get to those moments,
because I usually find myself in those moments of pure
anxiety attack, pure panic before I can like, Okay, you
know what, let me just ask somebody and I should
have just like. That is definitely something I feel like
I'm continuously learning that a people want to help you be, don't.
(19:12):
I don't have to wait to till it's super bad,
I guess.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
So the reason I tell that story is because again,
cooking dinner tonight, Like, I don't ever look at dinner
and think, oh my gosh, this is so stressful, even Thanksgiving,
when we're cooking for like forty people. No, I I
truly enjoy it. I mean typically I don't love cooking,
but I love cooking for people.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Talking well, I think you guys aren't people, but it
is a lovely and good.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Yeah for I mean both of us, I would say
for our entire family.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Mokay, But back to so, I'm not going to stress
when I'm cooking tonight at all. But when I'm taking
back to my mom, and I think part of the
issue was my dad was an amazing human, but he
added to her level of stress. Oh yeah, so he
(20:01):
wasn't the one that would calm her down. So for example,
your boyfriend, when you breath that he calms you.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Yeah, you know, it's very good at it.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Rob will do the same for me, like, okay, what
are you doing? Like can break? I take it awath,
You're fine, where As my dad would just add and
make it more difficult for my mom to be able
to kind of take a step back and say, Okay,
this is not a big deal. You know, it was
a different time, Like he had expectations, right, he grew
(20:30):
up in a time where he would sit at the
dinner table and she would bring him food and yeah,
you know, and so if it was late, it's you know.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
But I think like they fed off of each other
in those respects.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
And I think those are and like obviously my grandma
and pop up, I'm not going to be like that's
an unhealthy relationship. They were married for I don't actually
know how long until when he passed away, and a
lot of other amazing aspects of those relationships. But I
do think it is important when you find yourself just
feeding off of someone's anxiety to like separate yourself from
(21:05):
this and to kind of look at the relationship and
be like, is this just one built off of commiserating
about how we feel or is there something truly deeper
in there? And then that would be the time to
set these boundaries and be like, this is not healthy
for either of us. We are not doing well, and
you know, like sometimes setting boundaries does not work and
(21:25):
you lose a friendship. But it has to be like,
you're allowed to be selfish. You are so allowed to
be selfish sometimes, I mean a lot of the time,
and we need to learn to prioritize ourselves more and
remove ourselves from situations that just you know, feed into
our mental health. Okay, so there is a difference. I
(21:48):
want to go back earlier to like being a burden.
Now they think about it, it's there's a difference between
like having someone to empathize with you and having someone
that will absorb your anxiety. And you know, I think
one of the most powerful things to me, So I
didn't feel like a burden on my relationships, whether it
was friendships with my boyfriend, with my parents, was finding
a therapist and finding someone that they don't carry the
(22:12):
weight afterwards of what I told them, they get, you know,
the our session I do, And that's not how I
have I treat therapy. I do it as my little
rant sessions of the day and I get all of
it out and I feel better and they don't have
to walk away carrying all these burdens on them.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
I really never thought about it like that, but I
think that's a really valid point. Like I I know
sometimes when I have conversations with any of you guys
and something isn't going right in your lives, and it's
hard as a parent to be able to look at
it from a thirty thousand foot view because you're like,
oh my gosh, I feel so bad, like they're really struggling.
(22:50):
How do I fix it? How do I fix it?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
And a lot of the times we are just looking
for someone to vent to and empathize with us rather
than how do I fix it right?
Speaker 3 (22:58):
And I think that is one way thing I've realized
is that you just you can't fix everything. And most
of the time when one of you guys is struggling,
it's really it's the listening piece. And someone else was
saying this to me recently that she now asks her kids,
do you just want me to listen or do you
want advice? And yeah, I thought that was a really
(23:19):
valid way of saying it, because you don't always want advice.
Sometimes you do, yeah, sure, sometimes you just want to
be able to say it and be able to get
it off your jug and then move forward.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Yeah, because bottling up your emotions is not ever good,
literally never, it's never good. So I think finding that
person that you can vent to but that you also
won't they won't absorb, like I said earlier, is the
best is the best way to move forward, whether that
is you know, a close confidant or just a therapist.
Highly recommend therapy. It is really helped me with my
(23:52):
relationships and how I process things.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Yeah, and I think what you said earlier, I mean,
I'm really going to take this to heart, like when
I feel frustrate and say I feel frustrated now because
instead of just changing my tone of voice and being like, yeah,
oh my gosh, you guys.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
That's My boyfriend was a psych major in college and
he has very much taught me how to communicate in
that way instead of just immediately getting because I was
such a reactionary kid, I was such an angry kid,
and well, a lot of the times I just wanted
to say it, and I just didn't know how to.
(24:28):
And I've realized if I say it just like this
is why I am upset, instead of being upset, it's
so much more impactful. The situation normally gets resolved and
I feel better. I don't feel like I lost my
shit on someone. I don't feel like I ruined the
day just because I had an issue.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Yeah. And also I think a lot of times we
don't know what someone else's issue is. Yeah, but they're
struggling with and so we make these assumptions. And again,
when we can use our words, it's like we're your garden.
Use your words.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
It's your words.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
And now that I'm fifty three, I've got to be
told to use my words. You know, comes full circle
some thing you're going to be changing my ass out
of you and me? Right, that was wow?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Wow, Okay, she was.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
Giving me like great advice, and I'm like diapers, dipers.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
I'm not changing diapers, she's yours. I guess that's fair,
that's very valid. I'm fine.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
But and it's interesting because and again, like your brother
with his anxiety, it's quiet anxiety, like he doesn't share things.
He just he doesn't speak up. And you know that
he's anxious, you.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Can see it in his face. But me, on the
other hand, it's a full body reaction. It is is
it is, and that that goes back. So we don't
know what anyone's going through. We don't know how we
are words can I fact an individual? But also like,
it's also not our job to walk on eggshells until
(26:05):
that person tells you to.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, I So it's an interesting thing. We've had people say, oh,
he's so quiet, like he's not interested or he's like
he's just quiet, like that's him. And so we instantly
judge people. I know we're going off track level here, bro.
We instantly judge people because we think that they're too
much or they're not enough.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Or yeah, I think you're talking about earlier, right. Yeah,
we are polar opposites. And he's probably been described as
the quiet, introverted kid for most of his life and
I'm I've been told the exact opposite. I'm very I
don't know if I'm actroverted, but I'm very loud. I've
been told I'm too much. I know that he's been
told that he's not enough, right, So it's a weird
balance of like, I mean me, no, oh my god,
(26:52):
never by her, but a weird balance of I wanted
to be like him, and I don't know if he
wants to be like me, but maybe he does want
to be louder, you know. But that's not who we are.
And we can't let other people tell us who we
are and how we should be.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
I think we do look at other people a lot
and fake. I wish I could just be like that,
and we just have to stop that. Yeah, even when
he was little, I remember him saying to me, so,
Ari has severe dyslexia and he is killing it. I
mean he was on Dean's list this year at school.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I mean, he's killing all of your kids are killing
it right now.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Oh my kids are killing it. But he like it
just doesn't matter, like what he was doing that he
so he said when he was younger, he said, I
would give up and he was super athletic still is.
I would give up being good at sports if I
could be a good reader. And that was like a
(27:46):
huge denament, right, I mean he's like eight years old
saying that, And but we always think we want to
be somebody else, something else, and we don't. We need
to be who we are.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
We need to just focus on conversations because all I
want interview. When I was ours age was athletic, right,
Like I would love to have been on a sports
team and fit in and then good at it and
get like a goal.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Like that, But that that's not who I am, right,
And we need to embrace who we are, and so
serves with dealing with our anxiety and embracing our anxiety,
right like.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Embracing it and figuring honestly, Like the best advice I
can give is like, your life does not have to
be this way. You don't have to live with all
of these symptoms in the irrational thoughts. And I'm not
gonna say they're gonna go away. They don't, but they
get better.
Speaker 3 (28:35):
And you also know how to deal with things, and
you're and and when you start talking about it, like
it brings a whole different lens, right.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes, I mean, And the one thing I think I
have inherited the most from you is I I talk
about everything I talk about in law school. You're not
really supposed to talk to you about your grades. I
talk about my grades. Who cares. I talk about the
fact that I have extra time. I talk about the
fact that I have a stomach disease that makes it
impossible to control my bathroom habits. I talk about everything
because I just say that so politely, honestly, I don't know,
(29:04):
like have I Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
That was that was the very kind of myself to me. Yeah,
I just like, I can't control when I should and
where I shit, So it just is what it is.
But you never like if I had, just like, if
I could say things to my younger self and been
as open as I'm now with my younger self, I
feel like I would have struggled so much less. I
(29:25):
would have been so much less embarrassed with who I am,
And no one should be embarrassed with who they are.
I think embarrassment is the rational and it's probably my
least favorite emotion and probably one of my least favorite words,
being told that you're embarrassing, feeling like you're embarrassing, telling
someone else you're embarrassing. Let's just get rid of that.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Yeah, okay, every first of all, everyone struggles. There's not
one person on this planet that doesn't struggle with something,
so and you have no idea what anybody else is
going through. You can never walk a day in their shoes.
And so when you think about it that way, I mean,
so when the second we wake off, we start judging,
like why are we judging ourselves? Why are we judging
(30:04):
other people? It really is just about being the best
person we can be. Yeah, and it's acknowledged. You know
what I struggle with.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
This is it goes back to a conversation Dad and
I we were all having at dinner the other night,
and it's also about surrounding to speak of the devil.
He literally called just as I said his name. That
was crazy, he called me, and I, oh, I I text,
Oh maybe I didn't send that weird podcasting text. He
was talking about his best friend that he's had since
eighth grade, and he was like, you know what, we
may be very different, but the way we share love
(30:33):
is the important part in the way that they've always
been there for each other. And I think that is
you know the important part is being confident in yourself
but also having that support system. And you might be like, what,
what's the island of lost toys? You know, like a
group of people that don't really make sense together. But
(30:54):
those are your people, yea, and you proudible and that's
been the most important part I think finding my people.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Okay, tell me what your calendar says. The very fun
conversation I was.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I I always talking about it because I feel like
we've been like on the edge of this conversation though,
since coming home and being like, Mom, you're being reactionary
about stuff. Mom, you're being reactionary, and it's just like, yeah,
these are good for us, These are you know, shout
out to us for being able to have open and
honest conversations without fear. Anyways, you can't fix other people,
and you can't make them fix themselves, period end of statement.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
You can't. That's absolutely correct. You can open their eyes
to certain things. So today you opened my eyes too.
Maybe I'm just not stressed. Maybe I actually do have anxiety,
and I see my doctor next week and I'll be
a conversation to say, Okay, and you know, I do
stress a lot about a lot of things, and maybe
my not sleeping at night is related to that and
(31:53):
my never ending to do list and thinking I have
to do everything a certain way.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So solo. You know you only live once. I know
that's so stupid to say, but we have to enjoy
this life that we have. In bogging yourself down when
I promise you there is a better future, it's not
worth it.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I agree. Confidence tip. Confidence doesn't mean you never feel anxious.
It means you trust yourself to move forward even when
anxiety tags along. You can be shaking and still be strong.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
That's good, that was good.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
Thanks for joining us on her Unshakable Confidence. Always remember
you are unshakable.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Bye, guys, thank you for listening to her Unshakable Confidence
with Simone and Olivia Canego. We hope this episode has
made your day just a little bit brighter and giving
you the inspiration you need to confidently go about your week.
Always remember to be authentically you don't forget to like
and subscribe so you never miss an episode and feel
(32:59):
free to connect with them on Instagram at Simone Canego
and at Olivia Conego.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Till next time,
Welcome to her unshakeable confidence.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
With dynamic mother daughter duo Simone and Olivia Canego, where
they discuss the secrets of transformation and how to build
bold confidence and unwavering resilience. From intimate conversations with inspiring
guests to sharing their personal journeys of triumph and challenge,
Simone and Olivia create a supportive space where every woman
is encouraged to rise above her fears and love the
(00:32):
woman in the mirror, tune into her unshakeable confidence, and
join this special journey of connection and growth. It's like
catching up with old friends who inspire you to be
bravely and uniquely you.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
And that's not to call anyone out on that's listening
that has anxiety. You're not burdens You're not like and
I mean you're probably not. I don't know you individually,
and I think there are ways that you can be burdened,
some in other ways. But having anxiety doesn't autumn make
you a burden. I think what makes you a burden
is not working through it and just choosing to live
(01:07):
in that state, Because life gets so much better when
you realize that your heart doesn't have to be racing
twenty four to seven, or like one of my symptoms
when I was applying for law school was I like
was gagging all the time. I don't know why life
gets so much better when you realize, like that's not
how other people are living and you don't have to
live that way.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Have you ever been around someone so anxious that you
start questioning your own breathing patterns?
Speaker 4 (01:32):
Like?
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Am I supposed to be this tense too? That's what
we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Today, Mom, Your anxiety is giving me anxiety.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
And you know what, I don't even really feel like
I have anxiety. That is a lot.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Oh my god, Oh my god. Why would you just
lie to our listeners?
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I don't feel like it's traditional anxiety.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Okay, well I feel like well that yeah. First of all,
First of all, what is traditional? What does that even mean?
You don't know? I don't know. I don't We're not
mental health professionals or practitioners, So I'm not gonna go
on here and tell you that your anxiety is normal
or not normal. But you do have anxiety. I think
(02:14):
everyone has it, like not in a way like like
I have like an actual diagnosed anxiety disorder, and everyone
experiences different aspects of it. Maybe not everyone. Maybe people
have like such good control over the who they are
as individuals and they just stress instead.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
Yeah, I was gonna say, so, I feel like I stress.
I don't feel like I'm anxious, but I guess I'm wrong.
So I guess you will have a.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Sleep issues because of your anxiety. That would literally be
defined as what that is.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
I don't know if it's because of my anxiety or
I feel like there's just that never ending to do
list that's anxiety. Yeah, okay, well, you.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Know, like because I I thought, you know what, you're right, like,
not everyone experience anxiety. I thought of the way my
brain worked for a very long time was how everyone
else has worked. No, I was way at ail. I
So I have generalized anxiety to disorder. I don't know
(03:14):
when I was diagnosed with thought a long time ago,
but so mine is not triggered by anything specifically, just
kind of my state of being. But I also have,
like over the years, developed really great coping mechanisms. I'm
on ani anxiety medication, which does wonders and I don't know,
(03:37):
I think though the whole idea of anxiety, your anxiety
giving me anxiety. It's very prevalent in my life because
when someone else stresses and I'm not stressing, I tend
to think, okay, well I need to be stressing, and
like I'm missing something in the equation. If everyone else
is stressed, that's actually a hole I dig myself in
(03:58):
quite regularly, especially in school, because I'll go into something
and be very confident about it and be like, no,
this wasn't a hard topic. This was fine, Like I
get it, and then everyone else is like, what do
you mean I didn't understand this at all? I'm like,
oh wait, like did I not get it? Like? Did
I not do the right thing? Am I far behind?
Am I not doing this correctly? And then you just
get into this like what's the right word, Like a
(04:19):
thought loophole where you can't pull yourself.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Out of it. Yeah, I mean I agree, and I
do see. I do see how I can give you anxiety.
Like if I'm stressing about something whatever we're going to
call it, then I definitely my tone of voice changes.
I become much much more impatient, and that makes you
(04:42):
guys like okay, stop freaking.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Yeah, yeah, I think I've the last couple of days
I've just I've been telling her to stop being so
reactionary towards things that aren't aren't that big of a deal.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
I know, but sometimes to me they are a big deal, right.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Yeah, sure, but what do you always tell me? It's
like you give advice and don't take.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
It a little bit. It is giving me advice take
a step back, Yeah, I know, I need to take
a step back with certain things. Like today. So we
were at Nerd graduation today and everybody was going different
directions and I just wanted to take a couple of
pictures because your dad had to go back to work
and Jabby finally had to take off, and everybody was scattered,
(05:25):
so we didn't get any pictures and that was like
frustrating to me. And everybody's like just chilling.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
But it's more and you don't, okay. I think the
difference is that you don't express your frustration and like
I am frustrated right now. You get very flustered, and
it manifests into this like reaction ory. You know, tone
of voice and even like your facial expression will change.
And I'm not saying like this is not accusatory. You
we all have our issues, like be for real. We
(05:49):
can call me out in like five minutes or so.
But yeah, like it, I mean, okay, at g I think, yeah,
like you maybe not a traditional sense. Fine, but would
you say that your mother has anxiety?
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Oh my gosh. Okay, so you can't get to get
your generation them own anxiety. Well, I'm not saying that
it's okay, okay, fine, okay, no, you know I haven't
been formally diagnosed. We'll say it shut at them.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Yeah, so I know then which of our siblings have
been and who has not been.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Yeah, I know I stress about certain things. I mean yeah,
I mean I do. I stress about a lot of things.
There's a lot to stress about. There's six of you guys.
There's something. Oh, there's never one day that just it's
just quiet or it's calm, and if it is, yeah,
I was about to say something else.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yeah, if I didn't text her for a day, she'd
be like, hello, are you dead?
Speaker 3 (06:44):
Well that's something my mom used to do to me.
She probably actually still does.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
But you do that to her sometimes?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Well lately, yeah, I was like, look at your phone, lady.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
So but she's not a regreen anger.
Speaker 3 (06:56):
I know, she's not a screen ager. But but for you,
I think that The reason I say that is because
we do text constantly, right, Like, if I don't hear
from you, it means like the other night I didn't
hear from her sister. She calls every day, and you
know she's in Wales. It's not like she's close, and
so I didn't hear from her. And then I realized
(07:17):
at ten o'clock I hadn't heard from her, which is
then three o'clock in the morning, and I was like, Oh,
I hope she's okay, Right, it's just okay. I guess
that's anxiety.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
I don't know, yeah, because you're thinking you're automatically going
to the worst case situation and set up. Oh, she
forgot to text me to go to bed. So I'll
give you an example. Two nights ago, my boyfriend is
still in Nashville, and we were out to dinner and
he didn't text me or call me. And when I
tried to call him when I got back, he wouldn't answer.
So I was like, oh, my god, he got hit
by a car on the way back from work. Oh
(07:47):
my god, something's wrong. The tornadoes hitting Nashal Right now,
I'm not finding anything on the news and I just
go to bed because I'm like, okay, you're being so
irrational right now, like be for real. Oh sorry, I
was just so sleepy last night. I just fell asleep,
like I'm so I literally so tired. I was like, okay,
this is just you know, it's irrational thoughts.
Speaker 4 (08:05):
For me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
That's I feel like how my anxiety manifests well in
the mental way. My physical symptoms can be funky, but
in a mental way, it just starts with the irrational thoughts. Okay,
primer example, better example. I'm sitting in court two days
ago before my grades for law school came out, and
I'm in my head, what if I fail and drop out?
(08:27):
Mind you, For me to have failed out, I would
have needed, I like to get all d's. I like
did the math, and I still could not get rid
of that feeling in my heart. Yeah, it would not
go away until it was RESULTD even though I know
it's irrational.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
And you got what straight is.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
Yeah, so it's not fun obviously.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
So yeah, I mean that definitely makes a lot of sense.
I guess I just never thought about it like that.
For me, I just feel like I get stressed in
certain moments and then I put that stress out to
other people, and I know I do like I I
do it with your dad too, like we'll be driving star.
I was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
What I realized is that our entire family is a
bit reaction it's reactionary. Yeah, I don't know the right reactionary.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Yeah, okay, and try to say reaction a yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
I was like, is that a word? And I was
like no, no, no, no, no, straight as there's a couple
of e minuses. Let's see for real, you know, we
all immediately. And it's kind of something I've been trying
to untrain myself, so me like if someone says something
that pisses me off or like, oh my god, they
shouldn't have done that, to like take a step back
and like my prior. Okay, here's a good one for you.
(09:36):
Dad loves to say stupid shit just to piss you off. Yes,
and you have been married for.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Thirty two years Okay, I didn't know how long it was.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Thirty two years and you still fall for it every
single time, and you go, Rob.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
Why would you do that? I don't know.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
He does probably like four stupid things a year, but
says these statements at least like seven hundred times.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
Yeah I did something really stupid. I'm like okay, and.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Like, no, but a he'll be like I ordered one
hundred thousand dollars worth of wine and he'd be like
Rob and my mom, obviously he's kidding. Like obviously he's kidding.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
I feel like I don't fall for that as much.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Okay, I'm gone, you know, I mean, I for sure
not that.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
But he also still I'm not gonna say anything.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
We love him, but yeah, we love him.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
We're not talking about him because he doesn't like when
we talk about.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Him accept positively. Yes he's amazing, but he's silly.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Yeah, he's silly. But the there is a big point,
Like I definitely have had friends in my life where
they were I guess I never thought like I had
anxiety because people around me stress so much more than
I did. Okay, so I was always considered the calm person,
the person that could fix everything. Like that was kind
(10:51):
of my quote unquote role among the friends group. Like
you call someone if you're if you have an issue,
call someone, She'll be able to fix it.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
And how did that burden affect you?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I think it gave me it stressed me out even more.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Yeah, especially when you don't have someone else that you
think you can rely on as well.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yeah, and you know what, so I rely on you
a lot, but you don't like that anymore.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
No, it's fine. Sometimes I just get agitated.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
Yeah, like I'll be like, hey, can you watch this
for me? Or can you read this from me? And
she's like, okay, I just feeling now, like yo, last
couple of we do this.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
The last couple of weeks, I've just been trying to
bed post semester, and I just I'm back in the
swing though I have so much work to do now
it is insane.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
But the point of me asking you is because you
didn't have anything going on, and yeah, but I want
you about that, and it's different. My brain is now
on the work and brain again. Oh see, you're giving
me anxiety. See yeah, I mean, but I would say
that I have been around plenty of people who I
feel like are very anxious, and then you do feel
more anxious where Yeah, you know people that are anxious.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
And that's not to like call anyone out on that's
listening that has in anxiety. You're not burden some You're
not like and I mean you're probably not. I don't
know you individually, And I think there are ways that
you can be burden, some in other ways. But having
anxiety doesn't automatically make you a burden. I think what
makes you a burden is not working through it and
(12:20):
just choosing to live in that state. Because life gets
so much better when you realize that your heart doesn't
have to be raising twenty four to seven or like
one of my symptoms when I was applying for law
school was I like was gagging all the time, Like
I don't know why. Life gets so much better when
you realize like that's not how other people are living
and you don't have to live that way.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Yeah, I think you can. Definitely, there are definitely things
that I mean, there's so many tools now, I mean,
to be able to work through things. I guess yeah.
For me, I feel like I have something in the
moment and then I work through it and then it's better.
So yeah, I guess to look at it more. But
(13:02):
do you have friends around you that make you more anxious?
Speaker 1 (13:06):
I've had friends. I mean, I don't try to. I
try not to be in situations like that because I'm
so prone to being anxious. And Emma, my older sister,
we both have anxiety. We're the exact opposite ways that
(13:27):
we handle it. So when she, like school workers I
think are prime example, I have to so when I'm
getting essay assigned, I have to work on it every
single day before it is due, and even if it's
just like I said, a timeline of my okay, three
hundred words today. So without doing that, though, like I
don't think I'd have enough time. Even if I started
it a week before it's due, I would still in
(13:48):
my head be like, there's not enough time in my
day to finish this. So I have to be very
meticulous with how I do things. Her, on the other hand,
exact opposite. She's a crammer and she's good at it.
I am not, but she can do it all in
the last minute. And like being around her and studying
with her, that gives me anxiety.
Speaker 3 (14:04):
Yeah. So I'm also very much a planner when it
comes to work, and I don't like waiting to the
left on anything that that absolutely stresses me out, gives
me anxiety. But yeah, she just and that's how she thrives,
and it almost takes me out. Yeah, I literally give.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Even hearing about it, I'm like, Oh, she's across the
world's literally an ocean away.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And she's staying up the whole night and finished something.
And you're like, why did you do this to yourself?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Like, she's fine, she does it, she gets it done.
One of the things, though, I will say, the idea
of being a meticulous planner that did not come naturally
to me. That was something like a coping mechanism and
a tactic that I developed because of my anxiety, because
I realized that this is not the state of being
I want to live in. What are ways I can
(14:55):
make this better? Pre planning talking to people when I
feel this way, if like I think even if I
had this irrational thought, are like, oh are they mad
at me? That's a very regular one of mine. I
just talked to them and most of the time it's
like why no, like not at all. Why would I
even think about that? Twice? So it's just like it
(15:16):
is coping because it's not like I can't be cured
of this.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
I want to go back. I want to go back
for a second to the story about your sister and
that thriving on the last minute stuff. There's actually studies
that show I think there's a study out of Stanford
that shows that people that wait to the last minute
to do their work, they get that same rush as
you do when you ride a roller coaster. It's something
(15:42):
ridiculous like that, Like so, and they don't know how
to change their patterns. We'll see she said, like she's
going to do it different this next year for school.
But you know that those kinds of things. It's definitely
you can see like why people, i mean, everybody's different,
why people do things differfferent ways. But it's also having
(16:03):
that ability to take a step back in those moments
and say, Okay, she does things differently, it should not
affect how I feel. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
One of the parts of growing older.
Speaker 3 (16:14):
She's twenty two.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Yeah, that I have loved is that we are actually
all so unique. Like it's not just something your kids
you tell your kids growing up, Oh you're like a
little snowflake. No, Like, we are actually so unique, and
you can't do something the same way I can. I
can't do something the same way you can.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, And neither one is right, neither one, no.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
No, Because we're usually ninety nine percent of the time
we're getting to the same end result, and that's kind
of what matters. And your journey on the way is
your journey, and it's yours to live and experience and
figure out for yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Yeah, and you know, this conversation makes me really pause
and think, Okay, how am I gonna even just through
the rest of my day today? How am I going
to go through the rest of my day differently? Like
she has friends coming over or Noah just had his graduation,
we're cooking a big dinner and you know, my mom,
(17:08):
so my mom, And I'm going to say this before
like they're like, oh, she's so scattered. No, so my mom.
When she would invite us over for dinner, it would
always be amazing, and there would always be a freak
out during it, Yes, because she couldn't handle the pressure
of cooking for a big group, and then she was
never felt like it was good enough or it was
(17:30):
the timing wasn't right, and so she would get herself
so worked up over stuff, and we're like, it's great,
take a breath. We don't know what you're upset about.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
And it seemed to happen almost Yeah, And I think
it's you know, looking back at those moments you don't
even remember what actually triggered you in that moment ninety
nine percent of the time, but you remember the anxiety
attack and the panic attack that happened because of it.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
And I mean, it is just it's figuring out, like coping.
And you know, Grandma, you know what if building an
extra time, like an hour into her time, or just realizing,
like you know, it's hard to say, just realizing we're family.
We're gonna love your food no matter what Grandma's and
to be good.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
And it's the asking for help that was yes thing
that she'd be like, no, I got it, I got it. Well,
we're all capable of jumping in, we're all capable of helping.
And I feel like she and again I'm overthinking, but
that she felt like if she wasn't doing it all,
then she wasn't good enough. Yeah, And I don't see
(18:30):
it like that at all.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
I mean, and she grew up in a very different
era with very different parents and you know where, yeah,
you were, especially for women, you had to do it
all yourself to be this perfect housewife. And on top
of that, she was fully a doctor, she.
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Worked full time, but like and she was cooked meals.
Yeah night.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
And also one of the things that I should do
more is ask for help before I get to those moments,
because I usually find myself in those moments of pure
anxiety attack, pure panic before I can like, Okay, you
know what, let me just ask somebody and I should
have just like. That is definitely something I feel like
I'm continuously learning that a people want to help you be, don't.
(19:12):
I don't have to wait to till it's super bad,
I guess.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
So the reason I tell that story is because again,
cooking dinner tonight, Like, I don't ever look at dinner
and think, oh my gosh, this is so stressful, even Thanksgiving,
when we're cooking for like forty people. No, I I
truly enjoy it. I mean typically I don't love cooking,
but I love cooking for people.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Talking well, I think you guys aren't people, but it
is a lovely and good.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Yeah for I mean both of us, I would say
for our entire family.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
Mokay, But back to so, I'm not going to stress
when I'm cooking tonight at all. But when I'm taking
back to my mom, and I think part of the
issue was my dad was an amazing human, but he
added to her level of stress. Oh yeah, so he
(20:01):
wasn't the one that would calm her down. So for example,
your boyfriend, when you breath that he calms you.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Yeah, you know, it's very good at it.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Rob will do the same for me, like, okay, what
are you doing? Like can break? I take it awath,
You're fine, where As my dad would just add and
make it more difficult for my mom to be able
to kind of take a step back and say, Okay,
this is not a big deal. You know, it was
a different time, Like he had expectations, right, he grew
(20:30):
up in a time where he would sit at the
dinner table and she would bring him food and yeah,
you know, and so if it was late, it's you know.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
But I think like they fed off of each other
in those respects.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
And I think those are and like obviously my grandma
and pop up, I'm not going to be like that's
an unhealthy relationship. They were married for I don't actually
know how long until when he passed away, and a
lot of other amazing aspects of those relationships. But I
do think it is important when you find yourself just
feeding off of someone's anxiety to like separate yourself from
(21:05):
this and to kind of look at the relationship and
be like, is this just one built off of commiserating
about how we feel or is there something truly deeper
in there? And then that would be the time to
set these boundaries and be like, this is not healthy
for either of us. We are not doing well, and
you know, like sometimes setting boundaries does not work and
(21:25):
you lose a friendship. But it has to be like,
you're allowed to be selfish. You are so allowed to
be selfish sometimes, I mean a lot of the time,
and we need to learn to prioritize ourselves more and
remove ourselves from situations that just you know, feed into
our mental health. Okay, so there is a difference. I
(21:48):
want to go back earlier to like being a burden.
Now they think about it, it's there's a difference between
like having someone to empathize with you and having someone
that will absorb your anxiety. And you know, I think
one of the most powerful things to me, So I
didn't feel like a burden on my relationships, whether it
was friendships with my boyfriend, with my parents, was finding
a therapist and finding someone that they don't carry the
(22:12):
weight afterwards of what I told them, they get, you know,
the our session I do, And that's not how I
have I treat therapy. I do it as my little
rant sessions of the day and I get all of
it out and I feel better and they don't have
to walk away carrying all these burdens on them.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
I really never thought about it like that, but I
think that's a really valid point. Like I I know
sometimes when I have conversations with any of you guys
and something isn't going right in your lives, and it's
hard as a parent to be able to look at
it from a thirty thousand foot view because you're like,
oh my gosh, I feel so bad, like they're really struggling.
(22:50):
How do I fix it? How do I fix it?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
And a lot of the times we are just looking
for someone to vent to and empathize with us rather
than how do I fix it right?
Speaker 3 (22:58):
And I think that is one way thing I've realized
is that you just you can't fix everything. And most
of the time when one of you guys is struggling,
it's really it's the listening piece. And someone else was
saying this to me recently that she now asks her kids,
do you just want me to listen or do you
want advice? And yeah, I thought that was a really
(23:19):
valid way of saying it, because you don't always want advice.
Sometimes you do, yeah, sure, sometimes you just want to
be able to say it and be able to get
it off your jug and then move forward.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
Yeah, because bottling up your emotions is not ever good,
literally never, it's never good. So I think finding that
person that you can vent to but that you also
won't they won't absorb, like I said earlier, is the
best is the best way to move forward, whether that
is you know, a close confidant or just a therapist.
Highly recommend therapy. It is really helped me with my
(23:52):
relationships and how I process things.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Yeah, and I think what you said earlier, I mean,
I'm really going to take this to heart, like when
I feel frustrate and say I feel frustrated now because
instead of just changing my tone of voice and being like, yeah,
oh my gosh, you guys.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
That's My boyfriend was a psych major in college and
he has very much taught me how to communicate in
that way instead of just immediately getting because I was
such a reactionary kid, I was such an angry kid,
and well, a lot of the times I just wanted
to say it, and I just didn't know how to.
(24:28):
And I've realized if I say it just like this
is why I am upset, instead of being upset, it's
so much more impactful. The situation normally gets resolved and
I feel better. I don't feel like I lost my
shit on someone. I don't feel like I ruined the
day just because I had an issue.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
Yeah. And also I think a lot of times we
don't know what someone else's issue is. Yeah, but they're
struggling with and so we make these assumptions. And again,
when we can use our words, it's like we're your garden.
Use your words.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
It's your words.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
And now that I'm fifty three, I've got to be
told to use my words. You know, comes full circle
some thing you're going to be changing my ass out
of you and me? Right, that was wow?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Wow, Okay, she was.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
Giving me like great advice, and I'm like diapers, dipers.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
I'm not changing diapers, she's yours. I guess that's fair,
that's very valid. I'm fine.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
But and it's interesting because and again, like your brother
with his anxiety, it's quiet anxiety, like he doesn't share things.
He just he doesn't speak up. And you know that
he's anxious, you.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Can see it in his face. But me, on the
other hand, it's a full body reaction. It is is
it is, and that that goes back. So we don't
know what anyone's going through. We don't know how we
are words can I fact an individual? But also like,
it's also not our job to walk on eggshells until
(26:05):
that person tells you to.
Speaker 3 (26:08):
Yeah, I So it's an interesting thing. We've had people say, oh,
he's so quiet, like he's not interested or he's like
he's just quiet, like that's him. And so we instantly
judge people. I know we're going off track level here, bro.
We instantly judge people because we think that they're too
much or they're not enough.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Or yeah, I think you're talking about earlier, right. Yeah,
we are polar opposites. And he's probably been described as
the quiet, introverted kid for most of his life and
I'm I've been told the exact opposite. I'm very I
don't know if I'm actroverted, but I'm very loud. I've
been told I'm too much. I know that he's been
told that he's not enough, right, So it's a weird
balance of like, I mean me, no, oh my god,
(26:52):
never by her, but a weird balance of I wanted
to be like him, and I don't know if he
wants to be like me, but maybe he does want
to be louder, you know. But that's not who we are.
And we can't let other people tell us who we
are and how we should be.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
I think we do look at other people a lot
and fake. I wish I could just be like that,
and we just have to stop that. Yeah, even when
he was little, I remember him saying to me, so,
Ari has severe dyslexia and he is killing it. I
mean he was on Dean's list this year at school.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I mean, he's killing all of your kids are killing
it right now.
Speaker 3 (27:25):
Oh my kids are killing it. But he like it
just doesn't matter, like what he was doing that he
so he said when he was younger, he said, I
would give up and he was super athletic still is.
I would give up being good at sports if I
could be a good reader. And that was like a
(27:46):
huge denament, right, I mean he's like eight years old
saying that, And but we always think we want to
be somebody else, something else, and we don't. We need
to be who we are.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
We need to just focus on conversations because all I
want interview. When I was ours age was athletic, right,
Like I would love to have been on a sports
team and fit in and then good at it and
get like a goal.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Like that, But that that's not who I am, right,
And we need to embrace who we are, and so
serves with dealing with our anxiety and embracing our anxiety,
right like.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Embracing it and figuring honestly, Like the best advice I
can give is like, your life does not have to
be this way. You don't have to live with all
of these symptoms in the irrational thoughts. And I'm not
gonna say they're gonna go away. They don't, but they
get better.
Speaker 3 (28:35):
And you also know how to deal with things, and
you're and and when you start talking about it, like
it brings a whole different lens, right.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes, I mean, And the one thing I think I
have inherited the most from you is I I talk
about everything I talk about in law school. You're not
really supposed to talk to you about your grades. I
talk about my grades. Who cares. I talk about the
fact that I have extra time. I talk about the
fact that I have a stomach disease that makes it
impossible to control my bathroom habits. I talk about everything
because I just say that so politely, honestly, I don't know,
(29:04):
like have I Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
That was that was the very kind of myself to me. Yeah,
I just like, I can't control when I should and
where I shit, So it just is what it is.
But you never like if I had, just like, if
I could say things to my younger self and been
as open as I'm now with my younger self, I
feel like I would have struggled so much less. I
(29:25):
would have been so much less embarrassed with who I am,
And no one should be embarrassed with who they are.
I think embarrassment is the rational and it's probably my
least favorite emotion and probably one of my least favorite words,
being told that you're embarrassing, feeling like you're embarrassing, telling
someone else you're embarrassing. Let's just get rid of that.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Yeah, okay, every first of all, everyone struggles. There's not
one person on this planet that doesn't struggle with something,
so and you have no idea what anybody else is
going through. You can never walk a day in their shoes.
And so when you think about it that way, I mean,
so when the second we wake off, we start judging,
like why are we judging ourselves? Why are we judging
(30:04):
other people? It really is just about being the best
person we can be. Yeah, and it's acknowledged. You know
what I struggle with.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
This is it goes back to a conversation Dad and
I we were all having at dinner the other night,
and it's also about surrounding to speak of the devil.
He literally called just as I said his name. That
was crazy, he called me, and I, oh, I I text,
Oh maybe I didn't send that weird podcasting text. He
was talking about his best friend that he's had since
eighth grade, and he was like, you know what, we
may be very different, but the way we share love
(30:33):
is the important part in the way that they've always
been there for each other. And I think that is
you know the important part is being confident in yourself
but also having that support system. And you might be like, what,
what's the island of lost toys? You know, like a
group of people that don't really make sense together. But
(30:54):
those are your people, yea, and you proudible and that's
been the most important part I think finding my people.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
Okay, tell me what your calendar says. The very fun
conversation I was.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
I I always talking about it because I feel like
we've been like on the edge of this conversation though,
since coming home and being like, Mom, you're being reactionary
about stuff. Mom, you're being reactionary, and it's just like, yeah,
these are good for us, These are you know, shout
out to us for being able to have open and
honest conversations without fear. Anyways, you can't fix other people,
and you can't make them fix themselves, period end of statement.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
You can't. That's absolutely correct. You can open their eyes
to certain things. So today you opened my eyes too.
Maybe I'm just not stressed. Maybe I actually do have anxiety,
and I see my doctor next week and I'll be
a conversation to say, Okay, and you know, I do
stress a lot about a lot of things, and maybe
my not sleeping at night is related to that and
(31:53):
my never ending to do list and thinking I have
to do everything a certain way.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
So solo. You know you only live once. I know
that's so stupid to say, but we have to enjoy
this life that we have. In bogging yourself down when
I promise you there is a better future, it's not
worth it.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I agree. Confidence tip. Confidence doesn't mean you never feel anxious.
It means you trust yourself to move forward even when
anxiety tags along. You can be shaking and still be strong.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
That's good, that was good.
Speaker 3 (32:30):
Thanks for joining us on her Unshakable Confidence. Always remember
you are unshakable.
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Bye, guys, thank you for listening to her Unshakable Confidence
with Simone and Olivia Canego. We hope this episode has
made your day just a little bit brighter and giving
you the inspiration you need to confidently go about your week.
Always remember to be authentically you don't forget to like
and subscribe so you never miss an episode and feel
(32:59):
free to connect with them on Instagram at Simone Canego
and at Olivia Conego.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Till next time,
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