Heartstrings and Dealbreakers: Navigating Relationship Complexities

Heartstrings and Dealbreakers: Navigating Relationship Complexities

Episode Transcript

(00:09):
That's okay. Welcome to another episodeof Here I stand and we're still standing.
We're standing. We made it toanother episode. Yeah, and we
are welcoming a new friend to thecouch. I'm excited to be here and

(00:29):
this and Mantha Lee. Welcome,Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome,
every here. I'm excited to beon the couch today. Yes, yeah,
let's get into it. So whatwe're talking about on this episode friendship?
Friendship. Friendships are important. Friendshipsare important, Yes they are.
And so I want to start offlike, Okay, does your friendship circle

(00:50):
get smaller as you get older?What do we think about that? For
me? For me, it hasFor me, it's it's gotten. I
don't have as many people. I'mthe kind of person that, like,
I don't have a lot of peoplethat I confide in. I don't I
have like people day, you know, people that I know I can trust.
But as I've gotten older and older, like when I was young,

(01:10):
I wanted as many friends as possible. Now that I'm older, like,
I have just just few set peoplethat I can trust and I always should
be. I don't do a wholelot of Uh, that's the way it
should be Yeah. Yeah, youknow, I think I misuse the word.
I use it too loosely, youknow what I mean, my friend,
my friend, and they really aren'tyour friend. No, they're your

(01:30):
friend out of convenience or if they'retrying to you know, get I don't
know what they're trusting, you know. I think people want to be close
to you as long as they thinkit's beneficial to them. Yeah. I
was actually just talking to her aboutthis. Is that in my experiences,
especially with a lot of things thathave happened in the last few years of

(01:51):
my life, a lot of transitionsI've made, I've learned the difference between
attached and a sign. So alot of people may be attached to you,
and so based upon what benefits themin that moment or in that time
of their life, they attached themselvesto you. But the people that are
assigned to you, no matter whathappens in your no matter what storms come
your way, they there. Andso I've learned a very hard lesson,

(02:15):
a painful, heartbreaking lesson on whois actually meant to just be for a
season and somebody that's assigned to me, that's there, that's gonna rock with
me, no matter what happened,that's right. So yeah, attaching a
sign, you know, it's funny. So that reason season or lifetime thing.
Yeah right, because sometimes even ifit is just a season, it's

(02:37):
a reason, that's right, right, And so that person made meant to
take you back the next part ofyour journe backs. Yeah, in my
situation, that's that's exactly what Ifeel like it was. Yeah, it
was just they were there for that. God had put them in my life
for that reason, like to bringsomething out of me when I was in

(02:58):
my relationship. When I was,you know, in my most popular relationship,
the friends were totally different. Thewhole the whole scope of what the
friends skate looked like was different becauseeverybody wants to be your friend. Everybody
wanted to invite you to everything.They wanted you to be in their party,
their baby shower, bar mitzvah,I mean you name it. They

(03:20):
wanted you there. I think whenyou go through a separation or break up,
sure you lose friends. People.People people choose sides because they feel
like that instead of just being neutralblack now she cool, she ain't did
under me? You know, wegood? She good people. They have
to choose a side, and they'regonna choose the person side that they think
it's most beneficial. That's right,but they don't know that that person wouldn't

(03:43):
pistol on them if they was onfire on a corner and speaking speaking,
it's no, but it's it's thatperson wouldn't lend them a piece of spit
if they needed it. Yeah.Friends changed, Like as soon as as
soon as I broke up with thatperson, friends felt like they needed to
choose a side, and it didn'tmatter that I had done nothing to them.
It didn't matter. They just chosewhatever side that they thought was best

(04:06):
or whatever narrative had been painted.They kind of went with that. I'm
like, damn, you were nevermy friend this whole time. I'm over
thinking you my We didn't broke breadtogether, you spend the night in my
house. I didn't lost your money, I didn't give you furniture, and
you don't chose another side. Yeah, Yeah, it was a I think
that that was probably one of themost painful parts of my divorce, was
like finding out who people really wereand that the people that I was a

(04:29):
treating, like going back to whatI was saying before attaching a sign.
People that I was treating as asign were just attached. And that was
like when I say, I rememberone time I found out about a friendship
that that I thought was like legitday one, like we gonna be friends
forever. I remember the day Ifound out that was not that person,

(04:50):
and I already felt like my world. I mean, when you go through
a separation or divorce or anything likethat, like it's already so hard.
So when you start finding out itreally is. People think. People think
like, Okay, you broke upwith the person and you're just supposed to
move on because they moved on,So why haven't you moved on? Maybe
because I'm different than that person obviouslyinto your point about the death, it's

(05:13):
mourning like the let me tell youwhy it's worse. I think it's worse
than the death. And you knowwhy, because the death, you you
saw the dirt going on the person. It's final. You just think about
them, and I look at theirpictures, this person walking around breathing and
living and traveling and you know,smiling with the next person, and you're

(05:34):
happy for them. But that doesn'tmean that some things don't hurt. Absolutely
yea. And also when you wouldyou know, we have to clarify every
time we talk about a relationship.That's another thing. It is assumed that
it's about the popular x that theyknow I dated a couple more people than
that person. Everything. It's notabout that. We were just talking about

(05:55):
that earlier time. Since listen,I have dated and been in loves since
my ex has been married, andI've been married before that husband. But
I'm saying I've dated and really caredabout someone since him, just the public
didn't know about it. So everytime I speak about a relationship, they
automatically think I'm talking about him.Absolutely, So that's just relationships in This

(06:16):
is in general. This is veryin general. But I'm just saying that
when you break up with a person, I don't care if it's a boyfriend,
husband, that's right, was anyrelationship with that It's hard, especially
when you got to see them walkingaround and thriving or getting a new job
or moving to a new place youlike. Don't think I was gonna ask
you, ladies as as married experiencedmarried women, you know, when you

(06:38):
take a covenant and decide to beone with this person on a spiritual level,
right, you've you've dialed into beingone with this person, you have
to deliberately separate yourself and sometimes itwasn't your joy hot. That's a lots
of process mentally, right, it'sI mean, and that's why friendship,
the aspect of friendships are so keen, because like in that time, it's

(06:58):
already so hard, already dealing withso much, so many different changes.
And when I look about my friendshipsover over the course of my life,
I think the most painful breakups offriendships were during the time of my divorce
because that separation divorce period that waslike I was, it was, like
I said, it was hard.It was a hard thing for me to

(07:20):
see like how that happened. Andof course people had their reasons for doing
what they did and everything like that, but it doesn't change my experience.
And then when you talk about covenantand you talk about things like that,
like and to your point, noteverybody chooses that, you know, even
the person that may have chosen toleave the relationship. It's like I didn't

(07:44):
want you want you don't want tobreak up? Yeah, like I never
said I do think it. Iwas one not gonna say I don't like,
I never I never wanted that hewas agger group. No girl,
I said that somebody I could throwsome water. I'm so oh. But

(08:07):
you know when they say gold diggers, don't do you know how it started?
Okay? First of all for it? Okay, First of all,
I should be entitled to a stimulus, for you're entitled the conversation for me.
If you were married too, tiedus to conversation. You deserve stimulus,

(08:28):
money and prepared. Anything that youget you definitely earned and some with
with goddamn interest. That's one too. It's rude to the guy because you're
saying that this person is not worthyof dating or marrying if they weren't rich.
The person, yeah, you thisand the person you're saying you a

(08:48):
gold digger because you like such andsuch. Here's I don't know you a
gold digger. I like to belike you. I was If I was,
Why would I leave that? IfI? If I like? Why
would I? When you deal withand just shut up, that's what everybody
else does for a lifestyle. Whywould I leave lifestyle? Work for four

(09:13):
jobs to make it? Make it? Is meet you working, you working,
you working your work and you're tryingto build something up. If if
I wanted to say, I wouldn't, you would just be quiet. Maybe
that exactly what people want to callme. But that's what bothers me.
It's like it's like, you know, oh not, no, I fell
in love with him. I alwayshurt because of how things happen too.
That's right, you know what I'msaying. It's not no one. No

(09:35):
one wants to. No one wantsto go through a divorce. No one
wants to go through separation. Nobodywants those things. Sometimes situations and life
will bring you to those things,and it is painful when you start to
understand the reveal. Not only theperson that you work with and said I
do to, you don't meet themrounding. I will say this, I

(09:56):
will say this, and it's aboutall relationships. You don't meet your partner
until it's over. And I thinkyou, yeah, you don't meet them.
You don't mean, don't feel watermyself? Oh lord, you don't

(10:18):
meet them until then, because that'swhen you know who they really are,
how they treat you after. That'swhat it's the truth. Because guess what
if you once loved the person,if you decided to procreate with a person.
If this person was the best thingsome sliced bread, and you were
jumping on couches and ready to fightpeople and ready to deny the whole world

(10:39):
about a person. And that's anyrelationship. Why are they the devil and
Lucifer today? Right? Yeah?Because you don't? Yeah, I like
you still should be a person thatthey love. You still should be a
person that they care about and areconcerned about and want to see do wells.
They don't turn into the devil becausey'all, relationship, your relationship didn't
work because you kept putting the toiletup. Left her family and that's you.

(11:05):
Divorce people not family. And soif you guys were truly family even
in the divorce, you're going tohave some peace around it. To me,
I think my pastor says this,and I really rock with this statement,
and y'all we have gone so farleft eye I love to me,
my pastor says this, You knowwhether somebody loved you or loved your yes.

(11:31):
When you decide to do something foryou that's in your best interests that
does no longer benefit them, youstart to understand whether somebody loved you or
loved your yes or whatever. Whatevermission you were connected to. When you
start going off off whatever, offrogue, off the course and you start

(11:52):
making decisions for you and your bestinterests and how that person's person responds to
you doing those things, that right, there is valuable data. That's right.
You know what I'm saying. Thefirst time I say no, it's
like I never said yes, Ohit's her first album to your mama,
she needs to be in and uhpublishing or something, because that one knows

(12:16):
all this catalog from the world.But she said the first time I said
no, it was like I neversaid never say ye, never say yes.
And I like in any relationship Ihad, I have gotten to different
places in relationship. We can talkabout that later. But even with my
friendships, it's like, now Ilook at how you move, like just
like attaching the sign if you're somebodyand let's talk about that. You know

(12:39):
how to get How do you determinesome red flags in the relationships or the
friendships that you're in, Like whatare some friendship red flags? It's talking
about relationships red flags all day,y'all can go to my page to that,
but like friendship, red friendships tome are when your friend acts different

(13:00):
with you. Okay, they're inyour face and they're coolure, but then
when they get around their other friends, they don't have that same integrity and
that same energy that they have.So, yeah, I don't know,
you got friends will act funny aroundanother friend. I don't know, it's
hard to explain. But they're coolwhen they're with you. Then when their
other friend comes, they kind ofstart acting shady with it. So they're
really not your friends. Yes,yes, so you're just convenient or you

(13:24):
just feel a void, or youjust somebody good to go eat with,
or yeah, you got some coolmusic, you know for me, I
was, I was saying to Samearlier. So I have like a group
of friends that I've been friends withsince I was like fourteen. So they're
almost like siblings to me. Right, they're my sisters, and there's five
of them. One of them isactually my sister. So our our friend
dynamic is different when we're together,sure, and so they have external friends

(13:46):
as well, and so when theycome to the group sometimes that energy shifts.
So there's that big but that's notthe same thing as what you're talking
about. You know, you're talkingabout now all of a sudden the equity
the value of the friendship is different. Like I had one friend, I
give you a great I'm just gonnaget an example. I had a friend
I watched I watched her go throughdifferent career changes, Like she was doing

(14:09):
one job, and then she movedto another state, she was doing another
job, and then when she gotto the same city that we both lived
in, I was like helping herto find a place and all this whatever,
helping her get set up and andand jockeying for her to find a
new job, like talking to peoplelike, Yo, my friend's coming and
they do this, this and this, and she's good at that. When

(14:31):
they got to town and they landedthat said job, Wow, they ain't
they ain't have time for me.Wow. Oh, they didn't have time
for me. They didn't have timeto invite me to anything they had events
of these are work related events.What do you mean. I can't believe
you're asking me about these events.I'm like, I told you about the
job for the event, Like I'mpart of the reason why, you know.

(14:52):
So. So then when the friendcame, no, she when she
came to California. So when thefriend finally moved to the city that I
lived in. Sure, she justchanged because when she got there, she
started, she began to social climb. So I became too small for what
she needed. She needed to befriends with people, you know, a

(15:13):
C suite friends and other c youknow, executives, and she needed to
align herself with this person and thatperson. And she I found herself befriending
like all the quote unquote who's whoof you know, of the town you
want. She wanted to be withthe end crowd, and so she would
do events or trip planning, trips, girls trips and have all these girls

(15:35):
like these are new you just metthem tomorrow, you eat the other girls
she met tomorrow. And she yeah, it was her ful because I'm like,
I was the one praying for youwhen you went through your your health
scares, and I'm the one thatwas praying for you to get this job.
And I don't know you get Andyou know, I also think we

(15:56):
do as women, we do wegive men more chances than we will give
her friend. We'll kick a friendto the curb in a New York minute.
See, I've always been reversed.I mean too, I've been We
can not want to pay the gratuityand you'd be like, no, but
men, I don't have no gracefor you, and you I see what
men, I get. I don'thave no grace for men, which I

(16:18):
gotta work on. I'm talking toLord about it that caveat. But friendships,
you, I'll give you everything.And I think that's why I'm like
now so suspicious because like for me, if I like, I've had friends
very similar situations, I've been init literally the same shoes as you.

(16:40):
And when when that person started tokind of establish themselves where we were or
the city that we were in,right, that person started becoming more and
more distant, And that was sohurtful to me. Like it was it
was like what did I do?What did I say? Like I didn't
know. I was like I wasdoing the same thing. I was texting
her. I was just like,did something happen? And she just wasn't

(17:02):
giving you the feedback. Because that'sthe other things the circle. If there's
an issue, let's have a conversationabout it, about it we we like,
that's my whole thing. I gotanother friend. I only felt I
with two friends in the past twentyseven one that there's some other stuff.
But I thought with three friends inmy past twenty years, i'd say,
like seriously, and the other friendis mad at me over a guy that

(17:22):
ain't even her man like some guythat I met out We were together when
we met Tholse guys at that littlehood spot Pips. Yes, I remember
that. When we met. Itwas like a whole group of yeah,
and I met one and she apparentlyliked him and found out that I met
him, but she never told methat they met. It's so stupid.
It sounds it sounds like I'm talkingelementary at least junior high. Let's see

(17:45):
women go back, go back inyears. When we start dealing with men,
we were high school, elementary.It sounds like it's like my thing
is with men. I've never reallyI had a friend. And it's interesting
because I had a friend. Itwas a similar situation and she had a
birthday party blah blah blah blah blah. Guy was there. I kind of
knew that she was interested in thatguy, but I didn't know him.

(18:07):
I've never met him before. Buthe ended up expressing interest in me,
and so when we started talking,was like, are you good with this?
Yeah? Let me tell you whatit is. You know, he's
saying this, I'm interested exploring.She's like, yes, she said it's
fine, but it wasn't fine.But she I think she she didn't communicate
that to me, but like itdidn't overall the way that that handled she

(18:29):
handled it well because when it uphaving was later on, she was like,
I just don't think that he's goodfor you because of X y Z
and because well you know, Iguess, but he you know, at
the end of the day, Idid. I think she got to know
him a little bit more because theywere they knew each other in different capacity.
I don't think he was a goodfit for me. So it didn't

(18:52):
it didn't end up like it didn'tgo anywhere. But you know, but
let me stop before say, buthow did that? How is her approval
of the person you're in aging infectingyour friendship? Like that don't have nothing
to do with her. She cansleep well at night whether she thinks he's
good for you or not. That'snothing to do with you, guys.
This friendship. Yeah, I cansee, I see what you're saying,
But I think that in that situation, I looked at it like I value

(19:15):
my friendship so much more so thatif there was any type of feeling,
any type of anything good for you, if he wanted your top starting six.
I always tell you in like say, starting six. Okay, so
six needed me on y'all say no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no no no. Let me

(19:38):
tell you where the six come from. No, no, I didn't get
me a starting six. What amI doing? It sounds like my strategy
is No, I like it.No, hear what I'm saying for No,
here's what I mean by starting sixmeaning I've been married twice. Okay,
that's two. Those are people Icare about. Those are p that

(20:00):
I have pro created with. Imean six in your life and your life.
Yeah, that's six. Said,Well, I wish I ain't got
two or three because I always saypeople you should date multiple people. Yes,
no, I know, unless youI'm dating. That's a cute theory.
Yeah, we gave three more orless six? Right? No,

(20:21):
so no, I'm talking about startingsix in life like like, obviously I
am not signing off on too manyfriends of mine, talking to any of
my ex husband that's right. Absolutely, starting significant relations six important because you
can't go by just because here's thething. The circle is smaller than we

(20:41):
think we are of a certain age. So between the ages of thirty and
say sixty, let's just say ifwe're gonna make it that wide. Okay,
I ain't even talking about thirty.So let's say between the ages of
thirty and sixty, I mean fortyand sixty. That's a twenty year gap.
That make over a certain amount ofmoney, that's over a certain height,
the circles smaller and smaller. That'slike a half a percent. It's

(21:03):
like we're talking about three hundred menat this point in this Please for me
Black, We're just talking about AfricanAmerican hands educated. I'm not saying they
have to have a college degree,educated, I mean educated, well spoken,

(21:26):
not in prison, not on crack, yes, right, came on
a drug, has a job orhas a career, has a bank account.
Yes. Basically, I see whatyou're saying. The nucleus is gonna
get smaller. It gets smaller andsmaller because there's only so many to choose
from. And guess how many womenthere are. We we we are double.

(21:51):
I can't even say to where Ican talk today, But you know
what I'm saying, we outnumber themen three, three or four times,
right, So you're going to runinto some of the same people. So
if it's not one of the sixthat I love, like my loves from
like high school, my high schoolfavorite boyfriend or whatever, or my husband's
or my boyfriend after my you knowwhat I mean, Like, it's I

(22:11):
don't even got six. I probablygot like four, right, No,
I got a special you know,I got a favorite. Okay, I
got a favorite fail Okay, anyway, it's not one of my husband.
All I'm saying is if it's notone of the starting starting line up,

(22:32):
you're gonna overlap and meet people andyou have to grow up about it.
You got to be mature. Andthen then you just come to me and
say, man, I'm really interestedin blah blah blah. You know,
I think Mike is really cool,and that's why I will prefer us just
being real, like if you're reallyinto it, because I don't have in
my mind. I don't have scarclymindset. There's no scarc I don't have
scarcy mindset. So if if youwant to cool, I axed myself out

(22:55):
exactly. You know, it's funnybecause the girlfriends. I was telling you
guys about like they're my core groupor they're beautiful girls. And we were
younger, they would you know,hot hot to try, right, So
you have to handle girls too,the hole. But so that's a Bobby
Brown lyric. Still, I neededsomebody need to write that down to handle

(23:18):
hand. Oh I like that.I need to put that on my Instagram
vibe feeling that absolutely, I likethat courtesy a baby face. So yeah,
so I we always men were confused. We would start out and a
guy would literally want to date oneof us, but by the end of
the night in a group setting,they might have gravitated to the other one,

(23:41):
right, And so it was likeit's all fair game. It's like
until unless somebody's like, no,I really like him, girl, I
really or he really liked me,my girl, go ahead date that man.
It is what it is. Butyeah, like that you secure with
themselves to guess what, guess whatyour friend is, like your sister.
Your sister got damn dog. Likeif you don't cut it out, that's

(24:03):
your dog. You don't fall outover no dude, that's right, but
you really you really fall out becauseyou're really mad deep down that you're really
a hater. You really you're reallymad. It ain't my fault. It
ain't my fault. I'm never gonnalike because of my experiences in life,
like if a friend feels that strongly, i'mna fall back. I don't,
don't. Yeah, but then yougotta say something, say something. But

(24:26):
that's what my friend s talking tome over a dude and I didn't even
know. And then and then takinga step further, she runs into another
dude I used to talk to oneof my six Actually, she ran into
him somewhere and did she know hewas a top six? She knows.
I love this person. I lovehim. He's my friend, he's not
my he's not my six as anI'm a married this guy. He's a

(24:47):
man that I love. He's myfriend. I care deeply for him.
He looks out for me. He'smy homeboy. We homies now, like
we're not even a couple or anythinglike that. But she ran into him
and told him like, yeah,she tried to talk to some guy.
Would you tell him that? Like, come on, you being a hare
at this point, and you're likeit's true, and I yea go ahead,

(25:08):
And I was just gonna say Ihad a similar experience with a friend
that you know, I confided inand we we had this is an adult
frame, so you know, becauseI'm I'm very big on who I let
in my inner circle, and wecould know that I'm very private. I
don't let a whole bunch of peoplein my space. And I let this
woman in and literally out of nowhere, she flipped the switch on me and
was like non responsive. I havenot spoken to her nothing, And I'm

(25:30):
like, where did this come from? And ever with the friend I was
talking about that really never settled orresolved anything. And to me, it's
like it's hurt fault because it's like, you let this person in. I
care deeply for them still, andI have no idea what I did wrong.
That's I like, I don't haveno idea what this room. This
friend did not want me in theroom. So okay, wait, there's
this too. There are things thatpeople will invite you to because okay,

(25:55):
they'll invite you to things that theyknow it don't matter. Right at the
County Fair. If they tickets tothe County Fair, you want to come
to the County Fair. You wantto get dusty all day you want to
get the fair, they wo'll inviteyou. But if it's the Governor's ball
where you have to do black tieand it's really exclusive and something really nice,
they ain't inviting you to that.Why because some women don't want other

(26:15):
women stealing their shines. Stealing theirshines still, they don't want them to
take it up. They already gottadeal with women that they can't control.
They're not about to invite you intothe room. Whereas I'm different, I
want the baddest hang with me.But you know, psych that's the thing
I want you. I want tobe like you see my friends with my
friends is all bad. Everybody bad, everybody's successful, and that's the whole

(26:38):
thing. Like psychologically, I thinka lot of women were competitive by nature
because they have to compete in alot of different ways, you know what
I'm saying. So with us beingwomen tend to compete. What we want
the guy that everybody wants, wewant, like it's just one of those
things that we have innately, anda lot of times, with maturity and
security, we were able to diedown or dumb down down those innate urges

(27:00):
to want to do those things.So when I deal with women and I
see how competitive they are. Itgets for me, it gets a little
weird, like I get suspicious aboutwhat are your motivations? What's what do
you really want for me? Yeah? And then you all I've dealt with
women that it becomes a competition whereI'm like time for that. My friends

(27:21):
would be cute. I'm not gonname all the lip glows. I want
their curls popping. In fact,my friends get mad. I'd be like,
fix your edges. That's right.I'm the person like trying to fix
you up, because you know,it's almost like your representative of me.
I'm like, get brag on myfriends. My friends in a Chinese Oh
she's a therapist. Well, she'sa top marketer. I can't even introduce

(27:42):
you guys by names. I'd betalking about what you do. I'd be
like, she is bad, she'sa top lawyer. That's right. That's
how I talk about my friends.Parents call us the Mutual Admiration Society because
we're always like, no, yougirl, know you, But that's the
way we should be. Our worldpits us against each other. Why that
type of competition within our own circleof friends? You know, what I'm

(28:04):
saying. I can't stand that theywant your life secretly. But you also
said it's a scarcity mindset. Sowhen you when you operate from a space
of there's enough and there's more toterm sure you don't even have that spirit,
but a lot of women feel likeit's not enough and I have to
be the only one. Yeah,I like, I gotta be the baddest
one of all my friends. Igotta be the only one that's doing this
at the third And I would likewhen I come into different places and I

(28:26):
meet women that are successful and accomplishedand they bad and they got it together,
I'm like, I like, Iwant to hang out with you.
I love that my friends. Youknow, well, y'all as like we
talked about it, it's gotten smaller, right, yeah, you know,
And I God has already said inmy spirit, like God is gonna bring
more friends like in my circle.Like I really believe that in this season

(28:48):
of my life, like he's kindof separated me from old friendships. I
haven't really not as as close aswe used to be. And so I
know that there's other female friends thathe's bringing in that makes sense for where
I'm at I know, I know, and so like, but that I
love you, but we need ayoung gun on our team. We sure
we did young Come on, tellus what the young girls? Because one

(29:11):
thing about her she gets the mentogether right, she checks them out like,
nah, he didn't call back,that's it canceled. Yeah, I
mean I gotta work on that.I think we need to work on what
you got a little bit more.You got a little work on the next.
That's what I say. And Isay that keep you. I say
that on the neck, keep onthe next. I think women should stay

(29:34):
like. I've always said that staybad, you know, keep your hair
together, keep your body together,keep your like, keep all of your
yo everything up. I always believeit, no matter what you're going through,
no matter if you have married,I'm always gonna be bad. I
don't care what you got going on. You don't have to look like what
you've been. And I always Iremember doing the pandemic. I had a

(29:55):
saying I told people, get dressedanyway. Gets I said, get dressed
anyway. I used to get dressedevery day and be standing up in my
house taking selfies like, hey,listen, ain't been nowhere but white bras
and foe. Pause, yeah,white bras, book white bras and oh
yeah, it tells you style tipsand things to do and then anywhere get
dressed anyways, I have to.I don't care how how bad you're feeling,
because if you look good, youfeel good. That's right, and

(30:18):
at least that's that's a start.Yeah. I mean you're not gonna feel
completely good, of course, butif you try to pull yourself together and
you look in the mirror and yousay, all right, like I might
could live to see another day,I might, I might can make it.
Now, let me ask you,guys a question, in the spirit
of this kind of friendship journey,how does that take? So, in
knowing all this new information about howpeople move, how do you discern in

(30:38):
business, how do you navigate businessrelationships and developing those relationships that could bleed
into your personal life and become friendsare pensive? How do you It's a
fine line with that for me,because that's why I have a hard time
with assistance and people to help meand admin people, because when I try
to become friends with them, whenwe're hanging out and we're doing stuff together,

(31:00):
then then the line gets blurry.Familiarity. Familiarity breeds contempt. It
does, it does, and thenthey start kind of looking at your life
and they're looking like, well,I don't feel like going to get the
damn bottled water. You know,they're looking at and you're like, dang,
what that was your job in thefurd right? And then they look
at you, Oh, she's adeva. I'm like, I hired you
to do it. I'm not adeed, but I'm really just asking you
to do what I'm paying you tothe right. So it's really tricky when

(31:23):
the person. When your co workersbecome your friends and you're hanging out,
the lines get so blurred. Thenwhen you go back into work mode then
they're like, who are you talkingto like that? I'm I'm just telling
you what I need done. Soit's really really hard. I have a
hard time with it, so Itry to keep it separate. But I
love the people I hired too,so it's kind of you know, and

(31:44):
I want to empower them and Iwant to show them the rope. Some
of them are younger, so I'mlike, I want to show you tips
you know, right on how todude, I don't know whatever? Style
tips and life tips and hacks,because I know a million life hacks.
I've lived a really big life,that's right, you know what I mean.
I had children, I've been marriedtwice, I've lost a child,

(32:05):
i lost my mom, Like,I have a lot of experience in a
lot of areas. Yeah, mostunfortunate. But but you know, but
to my credit, you know youcan't take away from it, right,
So I don't know, Yeah,yeah, just I guess you gotta be
the friend that you Uh, I'msorry, I hadn't mean over talking,
but you know, you gotta bethe friend that you want to have,
that's right. I think you knowin all of that, how do we

(32:27):
create forgiveness? Because people always sayforgiveness it is not for the other person,
it's for ourselves. And so yeah, in those friendships that may have
dissolved or betrayed, how do wecreate forgiveness? It depends on the crime,
right, It's on the infraction.So if you stop speaking to me
over a guy that I didn't knowthat you dated, that didn't know he
dated you either, who has awoman for real? For real? I

(32:52):
don't forgive you because you you weakand you're going through something like, right,
but now if you over you dida boundary like you kind of messed
around with one of my top six. Off with your head, bitch,
I'm playing you, k jeez,okay to rock a bye baby love it?

(33:15):
You know for me? I youknow, I've I've sort of really
gotten into detachment in general and justunderstanding that people are assigned and all of
the other things right or associated.What was it a sign attaching? Assigned
and I'm detached. So you know, when you when you come, you
come, when you go, yougo. I accept it, and I
can forgive you, but not dealwith you. I'm not good and so

(33:38):
I'm good on canceling with no animosity. Can you ice somebody just like not
tell them? I tell you,I have not tell them. No,
No, we have a long conversation, but I will block you. I'll
never speak to you again. Done, wish you all the best time.
It was so fine. Yeah,like you never existed. That's a slow
pimp. Yeah, so I agreethat swim. These my liners are killing

(34:00):
me. Let me ask the question. I believe in forgiveness. I believe
that God forgives with the and weare forgiven with the same measure that we
forgive others. That's biblical. Sofor me, I forgive. But to
your point, I can love somebodyfrom the balcony. That's I don't want
to bad, you know. Iwant you to be able to eat.

(34:21):
I don't want you to miss themeal. I don't want nothing bad or
wish you any ill will. Butyou can't sit at my tape forgive.
I need help, Yeah, becauseI'm That's how I feel like. I
just if I see somebody, ifI that's that's that lotion right there.
I like. But it helps freeme to say, you know what,

(34:43):
I pardon, because forgiveness is pardoningthe offense. Like you don't have to
do the time for the crime thatyou committed. But I know now that
I gave you a certain level ofaccess that you and you have. You
were not responsible with that, Soyou not no longer being responsible with access.
I can. I have to nowlimit your access to me, and
that means that I can. Ican be like, listen, you're a

(35:05):
good person. I think you dopewhatever, but we are good. Let
me tell you. I hurt badwhen I break up with my friends.
I feel I love them. Youknow the friend I'm talking You know one
of them. I was hurt forlike a year, like she was an
ex boyfriend. I was walking aroundlike I don't even know what dinner time.
I was hurt because I loved her, Like she went through a health

(35:25):
scare. I was sitting her recipesand you gotta drink some ginger girl,
Like I really am that friend.Yeah, so when my when I break
up with my friends, i'd besad, like I'm really really hurt because
I love them. I love heart. I love really really hard. Unfortunately,
it's like I do too. I'mthe same, very similar. Yeah,
but it's like I've had to learnyes boundaries, Like if somebody to

(35:47):
now, I love you, andI could be I always said this,
I can love you and leave theylove you and leave you. I can
love you all. I could becrying all night, like, oh my
goodness, I'm good. But Iknow in my mind, I'm like I'm
not gonna die the number. Iain't gonna talk to that, like I
know I need terble distance. Justtell you what we're going to work on,

(36:07):
that we're gonna help me. We'regonna I love hard and long.
Let me too. I love you, but I know I can't give you
that same level access. You've hurtme, and I'm incredibly loyal. So
when I get to the point whereI'm separated from you, you have done
everything you can be separate. It'stime to separate. Okay, it's time

(36:30):
for us to go to right itis. I think we don't another it's
another one, but we damn We'reso happy to have you. I've had
fun for you. We can talkabout we can talk about some more stuff.
Yeah, she knows. Yeah,yeah, thank you for tuning in
to hear. I stand, andI stand. That's