September 24, 2025 • 22 mins
Step into the quirky world of Dolliver Wims, a misunderstood teenager from the backwoods who seems to attract chaos wherever he goes. Is he truly malevolent, or is there something deeper at play? Dolliver is a gentle soul who only wishes to be liked and to lend a helping hand. Yet, inexplicably, he finds himself blamed for every mishap at the university research facility where he works as a porter. Accidents occur around him‚Aîsharp knives turn dangerous, bookcases fall without warning, and guns discharge from their holsters‚Aîyet he remains unscathed. As he joins the army, the stakes heighten, and disaster seems to follow him like a shadow. Is Dolliver Wims the secret weapon to world peace, or is it the very chaos he unwittingly brings that holds the key? Tune in to this captivating tale filled with humor, intrigue, and a touch of the absurd. (Summary by Phil Chenevert)
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Part one of I Was a Teenage Secret Weapon. This
is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
LibriVox dot org. Recording by Phil Schinever. I Was a
Teenage Secret Weapon by Richard Sabia Part one. Get away
(00:26):
from Me, screamed Doctor Berry at the approaching figure. But
I got to feed an, water the animals, and clean
out the cages, drawled the lanky eighteen year old boy amiably,
get out of this laboratory. You who do shrilled Berry
or I swear I'll kill you. I'll not give you
(00:47):
the chance to do me. In tow headed Dolliver Whims
regarded chubby doctor Berry with his innocent green eyes. I
don't know why y'all fuss at me like you do,
he complained in aggrieved tones. You don't know why, shrieked
two hundred and eighteen pounds of outraged doctor Berry. How
(01:10):
dare you stand there and say you don't know why?
Berry flung a putchy hand within an inch of Whims's nose,
slashed across the back of it like frozen lightning. Was
a new jagged scar that's why he shouted. Berry twisted
his head into profile, thrust it at Whims, and pointed
(01:33):
to a slightly truncated ear lobe, And that's why he roared.
He yanked up a trouser leg, revealing a finely pitted
patch of skin, and also why he yelled. He paused
to snatch a breath and glared at the boy. And
if I wasn't so modest, I'd show you another. Why
(01:57):
can I help it if you're always have an accidents,
Whims replied with a shrug. Berry turned a deeper red
and a dangerous rumble issued from his throat, as if
he were a volcano threatening to erupt. Then quite suddenly,
with an obvious effort, he kept his seething anger and
subsided somewhat Through taut lips, he said, I Am not
(02:22):
going to stand here and argue with you, Whims. Just
get out, but the animals. You can come back in
an hour when I finished running these rats through the maize,
but I sat out. Berry leaped at Whims with arms outthrust,
(02:44):
intending to push him toward the door, but Whims had
stepped aside in slight alarm, and the avalanche of meat
plunged past and into a bench on which rested a
huge multi level glass maize, which was a shopping center
model being tested to determine a design that would subliminally
(03:05):
compel shoppers into bankruptcy. There was a sustained and magnificent
tangling crash, as if a Chinese wind chime factory was
entering a typhoon. Berry skidded on the shods into a
bank of wooden cages and went down in a splintering
welter of escaping chimpanzees with star albino rats, ocelots and
(03:28):
other assorted faunum. Whims moved forward to help extricate the
stunned doctor Berry from the everest of debris in which
he sat immersed. Don't touch me, Berry screeched, O kay,
Whims said, retreating. But I guess y'all gonna blame me
for this too. Berry's mouth worked convulsively in sheer rage,
(03:52):
but he had no words left to contain it. He
put his head on his knees and sobbed. The other
psychologists of the research division came crowding into the laboratory
to seek the cause of all the tumult. What happened?
Doctor Wilholm inquired, well, Doc Berry has gone an riled
(04:14):
hisself into another accident. Whims informed him, I suppose you
had nothing to do with it, Wilhelms snapped, can't rotless
say I had? He worked it out all by hisself,
just like the rest of us, I suppose, Wilhelms said,
with unconcealed hostility. Well, now y'all mention it, doc I
(04:37):
ain't never seen such a collection o slip fingered folk
always bustin either there girl their sails. Listen you now
look at Doc Castle up on top o that locker. Huh,
he's gonna bust a leg if you don't quit foolin
with that critter. Wilhelm turned to see Doctor Castle up
(04:57):
near the ceiling trying to get at a Champanzee perched
just out of reach on a steam pipe. Castle, are
you crazy, he cried, Get down from there before you
hurt yourself. But I've got to get Zaza into a
cage before one of the cats gets her. Castle protested.
Just then, an ocelot leaped for Zaza, and she leaped
(05:20):
for Doctor Castle, who promptly lost his balance and plummeted
toward doctor Wilholm, who foolishly tried to catch him. They
all crashed to the floor and lay stunned for some moments.
Castle attempted to rise, but he sank back almost immediately
with a grimace of pain. I think my leg is broken,
(05:43):
he announced, Well, I told you, Whims said, ain't that so,
Doctor Wilholm. Wilhelm attempted to hurl zaza at Whims, but found,
to his surprise, he could only wriggle his fingers. The
effort sent little shivers of pain slicing through his back.
By this time, the laboratory was resounding with the fury
(06:05):
of a riot sale in a bargain basement. Sounds of
destruction counterpointed with cries of pain, and imprecations increased as
the staff pursued maddeningly elusive animals through a growing jungle
of toppled and overturning equipment. At the fore end, there
was a shower of sparks and a flash of flame
(06:26):
as something furry plunged into a network of wires and
vacuum tubes. Two hours later, Doctor Titus, the division chief,
strolled in just as the firemen quenched the last stubborn flames.
He surveyed the nearly total ruin of the laboratory. Really,
(06:48):
he said to a thickly bandaged doctor Barry, who was
attempting to rescue an undamaged electro and cephalograph from a
gleeful fireman's axe. Can't you test your hypothesis without being
so untidy? Doctor Berry whirled and struck Doctor Titus. Of course,
you know what this means, Titus said, calmly, rubbing his jaw.
(07:11):
I'll just have to have a closer look at your
roar shock. You can just go and take a closer look.
Berry snarled. Now, now, Titus said soothingly, Why don't we
just go to my office and find out what is
disturbing us? Hmmm. The axe came down on the encephalograph,
(07:31):
and Barry burst into tears and allowed Titus to lead
him away. Titus seated himself at his desk and waited
for the sobbing Berry to subside. That's it, he said, unctuously.
Let's just get it out of our systems, shall we. Hmm.
Barry stopped in mid sob and became all tiger again.
(07:55):
Stop talking to me as if I were a schitzo,
he roared. Now, oh, now we are not going to
become hostile all over again, are we hm hmm. Now
you want you Titus, but you'll change your tune soon
enough when you hear what happened. It was no bandaid
(08:16):
brew haha this time. I've warned you time and time
again about whims, and you've chosen to treat the matter
as airily as possible, almost to the point of being elfin. However,
the casualty list ought to bring you back down to earth.
Berry ticked off the names on his fingers. Doctor Wilhelm
(08:39):
hospitalized with a broken back, Doctor Castle, a broken leg,
Doctor Angeli, Lowe, Doctor Bernstein, doctor Marnis and four lab
technicians severely burned, Doctor Grossblatt and two assistants badly claude,
Doctor Cahill claude and burned. And no one knows what's
(09:01):
wrong with doctor Zimmerman. He's locked himself in the broom
closet and refuses to come out. Twelve other people will
be out a day or two with minor injuries, including
your secretary, who was pursued by Elvira the Orangutang and
is now being treated for shock. Titus protested why Alvira
(09:22):
wouldn't harm Elvira has been misnamed Elvis might be more appropriate.
Why I had no idea, Titus mused, Now I'll have
to rerun those tests with a new bias. Berry flared
up again. You don't even have a lab left to
run a test in. You can't keep Whibbs after this?
(09:44):
Are you blaming poor Whibbs for what happened? How can
you sit there and ask that question without choking. Hari
says that two legged Disaster was hired to sweep up
everybody he in the psycho research division has suffered from
one accident after another. Even you haven't remained unscathed. Why
(10:08):
within the month he arrived we lost the plaque we
had won two years running for our unmarred safety record.
In fact, the poor fellow who came to remove it
from its place of honor in the staff dining room
fell from the ladder and broke his neck. Guess who
was holding the ladder. I was there at the time,
(10:28):
Titus said, and I saw the entire performance. Whims did
nothing but hold the ladder as he had been instructed
to do. Old John, instead of confining his attempts to
do what he was doing, kept worrying about whether or not.
The ladder was being held firmly enough, and as could
be expected, he dropped the plaque, made a grab for it,
(10:49):
and down he went. Don't you think it significant, Titus,
that old John had been the university handyman for eighteen years,
had climbed up and down ladders over roofs, and had
never fallen or had a serious accident until Whims came
upon the scene. And this is just about the case
(11:12):
with everyone here. Yes, I think it is very significant. Then?
How can anyone but Whims be blamed? But Whims never
has the accidents. He never gets hurt, not so much
as a scratch. The devil never gets burned. My dear Barry,
(11:32):
let the scientist in you consider the fact that never
yet has Whims so much as laid a finger on
any of our people, And Whims never knocks over equipment
or lets things explode or sets fire to anything. I
find it very odd that it is only my staff
that does these things, and yet to a man, they
(11:55):
invariably fix the blame on an eighteen year old lad
who seems to want nothing more out of life than
to be liked. Don't you find it odd? The only
thing I find out is you're keeping him in the
face of the unanimous staff request to get rid of him.
And have you ever thought of what my reason might be?
(12:19):
Doctor Barry looked hard at doctor Titus and said, with
unmistakable emphasis, some of your people think they know. It
took Titus a moment to fully understand. Then he said, severely,
let's discuss this. Sensibly, there's no point in further discussion.
There's only one thing more. I have to say. I'm
(12:43):
not going to endanger my life any longer, either Whims
goes or you can have my resignation. Are you serious? Certainly? Well,
then it was pleasant having a good friend as an associate.
I'm certain you will easily find something more satisfactory. Of course,
(13:04):
you can depend on me for a glowing letter of reference.
Barry sat open mouthed. You mean to say you'd keep
a mere porter in preference to me, Titus regarded his
steepled fingers in this case, I'm afraid so. The telephone
(13:24):
in the outer office rank several times before Titus remembered
he was without his secretary. He pressed a stud and
took the call on his line. He identified himself, and
after listening a long while without comment. He spoke, that's
very good, General, two weeks will be fine. You understand
(13:45):
he must be commissioned as soon as possible, perhaps at
the end of basic training. Of course, I know it's
unheard of, but it's got to be done. I realize
you are not too happy about being brought into this,
but someone on the General staff is needed to pull
the necessary strings. And the President assured me that we
(14:06):
could depend on your complete cooperation. Titus listened, and when
he spoke again, a trace of anger edged his voice.
I don't know why you are so hostile to this project. General.
If it succeeds, the benefit to the free world will
be immense. If not, all we stand to lose is
one man, no equipment to speak of, not even face,
(14:31):
since it need not ever be made known. Ayfore, cry,
I must say from the military, whose expensive roaming candles,
when they do manage to get off the ground, keep
falling out of the sky and denting Florida and New
Mexico with depressing regularity. Goodbye. Titus hung up and turned
(14:51):
to Berry. Now, my dear Barry, if you'll withdraw your resignation,
we can go and have dinner in plot. How we
can milk more funds from the university to refurbish the
lab and keep ourselves from getting fired in the process.
My mind is made up, Titus, and all your cajoling
will not get me to change it. But Whims is going,
(15:16):
Titus said, nodding toward the phone. In two weeks he
will be in the army. Berry's face went white. Heaven,
preserve us, he gasped. Really, my dear Berry, for a
jolly fat man, you can be positively bleak at times.
Let's get the finest dinner we can buy. Berry said,
(15:38):
it may be one of our last private dolliver. Whims
liked the army, but was unhappy because the army did
not like him. After only two weeks of basic training,
his company shunned him, his nun coms hated him and
his officers. In order to reduce the wear and tear
(15:59):
on their sanity, he often pretended he did not exist.
From time to time, they faced reality long enough to
attempt to have him transferred, but regimental headquarters, suspicious of
anything that emanated from the Jonah company, ignored their pleas Now,
in his third week of basic Whims sat on the
(16:21):
front bench in the barracks class room an island unto himself,
his company now twenty two percent below strength, and the
survivors of his platoon, some newly returned from the hospital,
were seating themselves so distant from him that the sergeants
were threatening to report the company a wall if they
didn't move closer to the lieutenant instructor. The lieutenant watched
(16:46):
the sullen company reluctantly coagulating before him, and inquired facetiously
of the platoon sergeant, prisoner of war. No such luck,
the sergeant replied, grimly. Be seated men. The lieutenant addressed
the company. Misinterpreting the resentment of the recruits, he decided
(17:08):
a bit of a pep talk was in order. I
know a lot of you are wondering why you're in
the army in the first place, and secondly, why you
should be afflicted with the infantry. As civilians. You've probably
heard so much about the modern pantomic army, with its
electronic and atomic weapons and all the act about push
(17:29):
button warfare. You figure the infantry is something that should
be in the history books with the cavalry. Oh, Kate,
So let's look at the facts. In the forty five
years Since World War II, there have been almost as
many localized brush fire wars as the one now going
on in Burma. Sure there's still a limited use of
(17:52):
tactical atomic weapons, but it's the infantry that has to
go in and do the winning. So far, nobody wants
to try for a knockout and go whoosh with the ICBM,
So no matter how many wheels or rotors they hang
on it, it is still the infantry, still the queen
of battles, and you should be proud to be a
(18:13):
part of it. With the exception of one recruit sitting
alone on the front bench and leaning forward with eager interest,
the lieutenant observed that his captive audience was utterly unimpressed
with his stirring little thought. For to day he knew
he could find more esprit de corps in a chain gang.
He shrugged and launched his scheduled lecture. Because of the
(18:38):
Pantomic army's small, mobile and self sufficient battle groups and
the very fluid nature of modern warfare, the frequency of
units being surrounded, cut off, and subsequently captured is very high.
As early as thirty years ago in the Laotian War,
the number of prisoners taken by all sides was become
(19:00):
increasingly unmanageable, and so the present system of prisoner exchange
was evolved. At the end of every month, and exchange
is made enlisted men man for man, officers rank for rank.
This is an advantage for our side, since generally, except
for the topmost ranks, no man is in enemy hands
(19:22):
over thirty days. This makes any attempts to brainwash the
enlisted men impracticable, and a great deal of pressure is
thereby removed. So if you're taken prisoner, you have really
nothing to worry about. Just keep your mouth shut and
sit it out till the end of the month. The
only information you're required to give is your name, rank,
(19:46):
and serial number. There are no exceptions. Don't try to
outsmart your interrogator by giving false information. They'll peg you
right away and easily trick you into saying more than
you intend. Now you'll see a film which will show
you the right and wrong way to handle yourself during
(20:07):
an interrogation, and a lot of the gimmicks they're liable
to throw at you in order to trick you into
shooting off your mouth. The isolated and unnaturally attentive Whims
again caught the lieutenant's eye. You there, he said, pointing
at Whims, Come and help me set up the screen.
Wims rose to his feet and one of the platoon
(20:30):
sergeants leaped forward. I'll help you, sir, Whims, sit down.
I asked this man to help me. Sergeant, but sir,
another platoon sergeant and corporal were already on the platform.
They had seized the stand and were unfolding it. The
lieutenant spun around. What are you doing. We're helping, sir.
(20:50):
The sergeant said, well, cut it out. You none coms
are too officious and it's unnatural. It makes me nervous.
Whims was now on the platform and had taken hold
of the screen cylinder. One of the corporals was tugging
at the other end, trying to get it away from him.
Let go of that screen, the lieutenant roared at the corporal. Whims, misunderstanding,
(21:17):
released the cylinder a fraction of a second before the
carporal did, and the corporal went tumbling backwards, knocking the
lieutenant off the platform and demolishing the loudspeaker. The top
sergeant raced outside and found one of the company lieutenants, Sir,
you'd better move the company out of the building right away.
(21:37):
Why it's whims He's being helpful again. The lieutenant paled
and dashed inside. He took no time to determine the
specific nature of the commotion which was shaking the building.
He managed to evacuate the company in time to prevent
serious casualties when the structure collapsed. The end of Part
(22:00):
one
Part one of I Was a Teenage Secret Weapon. This
is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
LibriVox dot org. Recording by Phil Schinever. I Was a
Teenage Secret Weapon by Richard Sabia Part one. Get away
(00:26):
from Me, screamed Doctor Berry at the approaching figure. But
I got to feed an, water the animals, and clean
out the cages, drawled the lanky eighteen year old boy amiably,
get out of this laboratory. You who do shrilled Berry
or I swear I'll kill you. I'll not give you
(00:47):
the chance to do me. In tow headed Dolliver Whims
regarded chubby doctor Berry with his innocent green eyes. I
don't know why y'all fuss at me like you do,
he complained in aggrieved tones. You don't know why, shrieked
two hundred and eighteen pounds of outraged doctor Berry. How
(01:10):
dare you stand there and say you don't know why?
Berry flung a putchy hand within an inch of Whims's nose,
slashed across the back of it like frozen lightning. Was
a new jagged scar that's why he shouted. Berry twisted
his head into profile, thrust it at Whims, and pointed
(01:33):
to a slightly truncated ear lobe, And that's why he roared.
He yanked up a trouser leg, revealing a finely pitted
patch of skin, and also why he yelled. He paused
to snatch a breath and glared at the boy. And
if I wasn't so modest, I'd show you another. Why
(01:57):
can I help it if you're always have an accidents,
Whims replied with a shrug. Berry turned a deeper red
and a dangerous rumble issued from his throat, as if
he were a volcano threatening to erupt. Then quite suddenly,
with an obvious effort, he kept his seething anger and
subsided somewhat Through taut lips, he said, I Am not
(02:22):
going to stand here and argue with you, Whims. Just
get out, but the animals. You can come back in
an hour when I finished running these rats through the maize,
but I sat out. Berry leaped at Whims with arms outthrust,
(02:44):
intending to push him toward the door, but Whims had
stepped aside in slight alarm, and the avalanche of meat
plunged past and into a bench on which rested a
huge multi level glass maize, which was a shopping center
model being tested to determine a design that would subliminally
(03:05):
compel shoppers into bankruptcy. There was a sustained and magnificent
tangling crash, as if a Chinese wind chime factory was
entering a typhoon. Berry skidded on the shods into a
bank of wooden cages and went down in a splintering
welter of escaping chimpanzees with star albino rats, ocelots and
(03:28):
other assorted faunum. Whims moved forward to help extricate the
stunned doctor Berry from the everest of debris in which
he sat immersed. Don't touch me, Berry screeched, O kay,
Whims said, retreating. But I guess y'all gonna blame me
for this too. Berry's mouth worked convulsively in sheer rage,
(03:52):
but he had no words left to contain it. He
put his head on his knees and sobbed. The other
psychologists of the research division came crowding into the laboratory
to seek the cause of all the tumult. What happened?
Doctor Wilholm inquired, well, Doc Berry has gone an riled
(04:14):
hisself into another accident. Whims informed him, I suppose you
had nothing to do with it, Wilhelms snapped, can't rotless
say I had? He worked it out all by hisself,
just like the rest of us, I suppose, Wilhelms said,
with unconcealed hostility. Well, now y'all mention it, doc I
(04:37):
ain't never seen such a collection o slip fingered folk
always bustin either there girl their sails. Listen you now
look at Doc Castle up on top o that locker. Huh,
he's gonna bust a leg if you don't quit foolin
with that critter. Wilhelm turned to see Doctor Castle up
(04:57):
near the ceiling trying to get at a Champanzee perched
just out of reach on a steam pipe. Castle, are
you crazy, he cried, Get down from there before you
hurt yourself. But I've got to get Zaza into a
cage before one of the cats gets her. Castle protested.
Just then, an ocelot leaped for Zaza, and she leaped
(05:20):
for Doctor Castle, who promptly lost his balance and plummeted
toward doctor Wilholm, who foolishly tried to catch him. They
all crashed to the floor and lay stunned for some moments.
Castle attempted to rise, but he sank back almost immediately
with a grimace of pain. I think my leg is broken,
(05:43):
he announced, Well, I told you, Whims said, ain't that so,
Doctor Wilholm. Wilhelm attempted to hurl zaza at Whims, but found,
to his surprise, he could only wriggle his fingers. The
effort sent little shivers of pain slicing through his back.
By this time, the laboratory was resounding with the fury
(06:05):
of a riot sale in a bargain basement. Sounds of
destruction counterpointed with cries of pain, and imprecations increased as
the staff pursued maddeningly elusive animals through a growing jungle
of toppled and overturning equipment. At the fore end, there
was a shower of sparks and a flash of flame
(06:26):
as something furry plunged into a network of wires and
vacuum tubes. Two hours later, Doctor Titus, the division chief,
strolled in just as the firemen quenched the last stubborn flames.
He surveyed the nearly total ruin of the laboratory. Really,
(06:48):
he said to a thickly bandaged doctor Barry, who was
attempting to rescue an undamaged electro and cephalograph from a
gleeful fireman's axe. Can't you test your hypothesis without being
so untidy? Doctor Berry whirled and struck Doctor Titus. Of course,
you know what this means, Titus said, calmly, rubbing his jaw.
(07:11):
I'll just have to have a closer look at your
roar shock. You can just go and take a closer look.
Berry snarled. Now, now, Titus said soothingly, Why don't we
just go to my office and find out what is
disturbing us? Hmmm. The axe came down on the encephalograph,
(07:31):
and Barry burst into tears and allowed Titus to lead
him away. Titus seated himself at his desk and waited
for the sobbing Berry to subside. That's it, he said, unctuously.
Let's just get it out of our systems, shall we. Hmm.
Barry stopped in mid sob and became all tiger again.
(07:55):
Stop talking to me as if I were a schitzo,
he roared. Now, oh, now we are not going to
become hostile all over again, are we hm hmm. Now
you want you Titus, but you'll change your tune soon
enough when you hear what happened. It was no bandaid
(08:16):
brew haha this time. I've warned you time and time
again about whims, and you've chosen to treat the matter
as airily as possible, almost to the point of being elfin. However,
the casualty list ought to bring you back down to earth.
Berry ticked off the names on his fingers. Doctor Wilhelm
(08:39):
hospitalized with a broken back, Doctor Castle, a broken leg,
Doctor Angeli, Lowe, Doctor Bernstein, doctor Marnis and four lab
technicians severely burned, Doctor Grossblatt and two assistants badly claude,
Doctor Cahill claude and burned. And no one knows what's
(09:01):
wrong with doctor Zimmerman. He's locked himself in the broom
closet and refuses to come out. Twelve other people will
be out a day or two with minor injuries, including
your secretary, who was pursued by Elvira the Orangutang and
is now being treated for shock. Titus protested why Alvira
(09:22):
wouldn't harm Elvira has been misnamed Elvis might be more appropriate.
Why I had no idea, Titus mused, Now I'll have
to rerun those tests with a new bias. Berry flared
up again. You don't even have a lab left to
run a test in. You can't keep Whibbs after this?
(09:44):
Are you blaming poor Whibbs for what happened? How can
you sit there and ask that question without choking. Hari
says that two legged Disaster was hired to sweep up
everybody he in the psycho research division has suffered from
one accident after another. Even you haven't remained unscathed. Why
(10:08):
within the month he arrived we lost the plaque we
had won two years running for our unmarred safety record.
In fact, the poor fellow who came to remove it
from its place of honor in the staff dining room
fell from the ladder and broke his neck. Guess who
was holding the ladder. I was there at the time,
(10:28):
Titus said, and I saw the entire performance. Whims did
nothing but hold the ladder as he had been instructed
to do. Old John, instead of confining his attempts to
do what he was doing, kept worrying about whether or not.
The ladder was being held firmly enough, and as could
be expected, he dropped the plaque, made a grab for it,
(10:49):
and down he went. Don't you think it significant, Titus,
that old John had been the university handyman for eighteen years,
had climbed up and down ladders over roofs, and had
never fallen or had a serious accident until Whims came
upon the scene. And this is just about the case
(11:12):
with everyone here. Yes, I think it is very significant. Then?
How can anyone but Whims be blamed? But Whims never
has the accidents. He never gets hurt, not so much
as a scratch. The devil never gets burned. My dear Barry,
(11:32):
let the scientist in you consider the fact that never
yet has Whims so much as laid a finger on
any of our people, And Whims never knocks over equipment
or lets things explode or sets fire to anything. I
find it very odd that it is only my staff
that does these things, and yet to a man, they
(11:55):
invariably fix the blame on an eighteen year old lad
who seems to want nothing more out of life than
to be liked. Don't you find it odd? The only
thing I find out is you're keeping him in the
face of the unanimous staff request to get rid of him.
And have you ever thought of what my reason might be?
(12:19):
Doctor Barry looked hard at doctor Titus and said, with
unmistakable emphasis, some of your people think they know. It
took Titus a moment to fully understand. Then he said, severely,
let's discuss this. Sensibly, there's no point in further discussion.
There's only one thing more. I have to say. I'm
(12:43):
not going to endanger my life any longer, either Whims
goes or you can have my resignation. Are you serious? Certainly? Well,
then it was pleasant having a good friend as an associate.
I'm certain you will easily find something more satisfactory. Of course,
(13:04):
you can depend on me for a glowing letter of reference.
Barry sat open mouthed. You mean to say you'd keep
a mere porter in preference to me, Titus regarded his
steepled fingers in this case, I'm afraid so. The telephone
(13:24):
in the outer office rank several times before Titus remembered
he was without his secretary. He pressed a stud and
took the call on his line. He identified himself, and
after listening a long while without comment. He spoke, that's
very good, General, two weeks will be fine. You understand
(13:45):
he must be commissioned as soon as possible, perhaps at
the end of basic training. Of course, I know it's
unheard of, but it's got to be done. I realize
you are not too happy about being brought into this,
but someone on the General staff is needed to pull
the necessary strings. And the President assured me that we
(14:06):
could depend on your complete cooperation. Titus listened, and when
he spoke again, a trace of anger edged his voice.
I don't know why you are so hostile to this project. General.
If it succeeds, the benefit to the free world will
be immense. If not, all we stand to lose is
one man, no equipment to speak of, not even face,
(14:31):
since it need not ever be made known. Ayfore, cry,
I must say from the military, whose expensive roaming candles,
when they do manage to get off the ground, keep
falling out of the sky and denting Florida and New
Mexico with depressing regularity. Goodbye. Titus hung up and turned
(14:51):
to Berry. Now, my dear Barry, if you'll withdraw your resignation,
we can go and have dinner in plot. How we
can milk more funds from the university to refurbish the
lab and keep ourselves from getting fired in the process.
My mind is made up, Titus, and all your cajoling
will not get me to change it. But Whims is going,
(15:16):
Titus said, nodding toward the phone. In two weeks he
will be in the army. Berry's face went white. Heaven,
preserve us, he gasped. Really, my dear Berry, for a
jolly fat man, you can be positively bleak at times.
Let's get the finest dinner we can buy. Berry said,
(15:38):
it may be one of our last private dolliver. Whims
liked the army, but was unhappy because the army did
not like him. After only two weeks of basic training,
his company shunned him, his nun coms hated him and
his officers. In order to reduce the wear and tear
(15:59):
on their sanity, he often pretended he did not exist.
From time to time, they faced reality long enough to
attempt to have him transferred, but regimental headquarters, suspicious of
anything that emanated from the Jonah company, ignored their pleas Now,
in his third week of basic Whims sat on the
(16:21):
front bench in the barracks class room an island unto himself,
his company now twenty two percent below strength, and the
survivors of his platoon, some newly returned from the hospital,
were seating themselves so distant from him that the sergeants
were threatening to report the company a wall if they
didn't move closer to the lieutenant instructor. The lieutenant watched
(16:46):
the sullen company reluctantly coagulating before him, and inquired facetiously
of the platoon sergeant, prisoner of war. No such luck,
the sergeant replied, grimly. Be seated men. The lieutenant addressed
the company. Misinterpreting the resentment of the recruits, he decided
(17:08):
a bit of a pep talk was in order. I
know a lot of you are wondering why you're in
the army in the first place, and secondly, why you
should be afflicted with the infantry. As civilians. You've probably
heard so much about the modern pantomic army, with its
electronic and atomic weapons and all the act about push
(17:29):
button warfare. You figure the infantry is something that should
be in the history books with the cavalry. Oh, Kate,
So let's look at the facts. In the forty five
years Since World War II, there have been almost as
many localized brush fire wars as the one now going
on in Burma. Sure there's still a limited use of
(17:52):
tactical atomic weapons, but it's the infantry that has to
go in and do the winning. So far, nobody wants
to try for a knockout and go whoosh with the ICBM,
So no matter how many wheels or rotors they hang
on it, it is still the infantry, still the queen
of battles, and you should be proud to be a
(18:13):
part of it. With the exception of one recruit sitting
alone on the front bench and leaning forward with eager interest,
the lieutenant observed that his captive audience was utterly unimpressed
with his stirring little thought. For to day he knew
he could find more esprit de corps in a chain gang.
He shrugged and launched his scheduled lecture. Because of the
(18:38):
Pantomic army's small, mobile and self sufficient battle groups and
the very fluid nature of modern warfare, the frequency of
units being surrounded, cut off, and subsequently captured is very high.
As early as thirty years ago in the Laotian War,
the number of prisoners taken by all sides was become
(19:00):
increasingly unmanageable, and so the present system of prisoner exchange
was evolved. At the end of every month, and exchange
is made enlisted men man for man, officers rank for rank.
This is an advantage for our side, since generally, except
for the topmost ranks, no man is in enemy hands
(19:22):
over thirty days. This makes any attempts to brainwash the
enlisted men impracticable, and a great deal of pressure is
thereby removed. So if you're taken prisoner, you have really
nothing to worry about. Just keep your mouth shut and
sit it out till the end of the month. The
only information you're required to give is your name, rank,
(19:46):
and serial number. There are no exceptions. Don't try to
outsmart your interrogator by giving false information. They'll peg you
right away and easily trick you into saying more than
you intend. Now you'll see a film which will show
you the right and wrong way to handle yourself during
(20:07):
an interrogation, and a lot of the gimmicks they're liable
to throw at you in order to trick you into
shooting off your mouth. The isolated and unnaturally attentive Whims
again caught the lieutenant's eye. You there, he said, pointing
at Whims, Come and help me set up the screen.
Wims rose to his feet and one of the platoon
(20:30):
sergeants leaped forward. I'll help you, sir, Whims, sit down.
I asked this man to help me. Sergeant, but sir,
another platoon sergeant and corporal were already on the platform.
They had seized the stand and were unfolding it. The
lieutenant spun around. What are you doing. We're helping, sir.
(20:50):
The sergeant said, well, cut it out. You none coms
are too officious and it's unnatural. It makes me nervous.
Whims was now on the platform and had taken hold
of the screen cylinder. One of the corporals was tugging
at the other end, trying to get it away from him.
Let go of that screen, the lieutenant roared at the corporal. Whims, misunderstanding,
(21:17):
released the cylinder a fraction of a second before the
carporal did, and the corporal went tumbling backwards, knocking the
lieutenant off the platform and demolishing the loudspeaker. The top
sergeant raced outside and found one of the company lieutenants, Sir,
you'd better move the company out of the building right away.
(21:37):
Why it's whims He's being helpful again. The lieutenant paled
and dashed inside. He took no time to determine the
specific nature of the commotion which was shaking the building.
He managed to evacuate the company in time to prevent
serious casualties when the structure collapsed. The end of Part
(22:00):
one
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