September 24, 2025 • 22 mins
Step into the quirky world of Dolliver Wims, a misunderstood teenager from the backwoods who seems to attract chaos wherever he goes. Is he truly malevolent, or is there something deeper at play? Dolliver is a gentle soul who only wishes to be liked and to lend a helping hand. Yet, inexplicably, he finds himself blamed for every mishap at the university research facility where he works as a porter. Accidents occur around him‚Aîsharp knives turn dangerous, bookcases fall without warning, and guns discharge from their holsters‚Aîyet he remains unscathed. As he joins the army, the stakes heighten, and disaster seems to follow him like a shadow. Is Dolliver Wims the secret weapon to world peace, or is it the very chaos he unwittingly brings that holds the key? Tune in to this captivating tale filled with humor, intrigue, and a touch of the absurd. (Summary by Phil Chenevert)
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Part two of I Was a Teenage Secret Weapon by
Richard Sabier. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
Part two. Captain Aarronson, the company commander, faced two of
his lieutenants. You're not telling me anything new, he said wearily.
(00:21):
I know all about Whims. I've tried everything to get
him discharged honorably and otherwise. I've spent a lot of
time setting things up so he could hardly help but
foul up and we could bounce him. But what happens
everybody else fowls up and he stays clean. As if
(00:42):
that isn't enough to worry about, Headquarters has notified me
that General Harmond B. Fife of the General Staff will
come down from Washington tomorrow for a tour of this post.
He'll visit the bivouac area and observe the tactical exercises.
As you know, gentlemen, tomorrow is the final day of
the two week bivouac for this company, which completes their
(01:05):
sixteen week basic training program. We'll have the usual company
combat exercise, which will involve the attack, capture, and defense
against counter attack of Hill ninety three, the same as
always said one of the lieutenants. It won't be the
same as always, the captain said, banging his fist on
(01:26):
his desk. The area of action, the battle plan may
be the same, but this time we've got General Feife
as an observer and Dolliver Whims as a participant. And
if I can manage to squeeze the day successfully past
that Scylla and Charybdis, I'll promise not to devour any
(01:46):
more second lieutenants. Between meals, Sir offered one of the lieutenants.
Why don't we put Whims in the hospital just for tomorrow.
It would be simple to arrange, say an upset stomach.
The captain looked sadly at his junior officer. It's the
only hospital we have, he said. Besides, I have a
(02:08):
better idea. I am detaching Whims from his platoon and
will keep him with me at the company command post
as a messenger. And I'll shoot the first man who
attempts to use him as a messenger or anything else. Ah,
no need to worry about that. Sir Whims may have
us a little shook up, but he hasn't flipped us yet.
(02:32):
I hope we can all say that when tomorrow ends
the captain said fervently. The company command post had been
set up under a cluster of dispirited pines, obviously suffering
from tired sap, but in spite of the ragged shade
they provided against the mild mid morning sun, Captain Aaronson
was perspiring excessively and becoming increasingly unsettled. He glanced uneasily
(02:58):
over at the somewhat place sanitary bulk of General Fife,
surrounded by his satellite colonels and other aides, and muttered
to his lieutenant. If Old brass Bottom came down here
to observe the exercise, then why the devil doesn't he
go over to the hill and observe instead of hanging
around here like a sword of Demosthenes. I think you
(03:20):
mean Damocles, Captain. The lieutenant corrected, Demosthenes was the orator.
Aaronson looked sourly at the lieutenant. I know what I'm
talking about. Fife has only to say the word and
off come our heads. The lieutenant lowered his voice. I
don't like the way he keeps looking at Whims. Do
(03:41):
you think he's heard about him in Washington? You know
how rumors traveled in the army rumors, yes, the captain said,
but the truth can't even limp out of the orderly room.
He wiped his brow and shot a venomous glance at Whims.
He said to thee I don't like Whims sitting there
(04:02):
in full view of the General. Go tell him to
take his comic book and sit on the other side
of the tree. At that moment, one of the young
trainees stumbled into the headquarters area, bleeding profusely from a
deep gash on his cheek. Between long, tarrying gasps, he
told how the machine gun intended to serve as the
base of fire for the attacking platoons, had been captured
(04:26):
by a Red patrol before he could be set up.
They were being let off under the supervision of a
referee when he tumbled into a ravine and in the confusion,
made good his escape. Get the jeep and rush this
man to the hospital, the captain instructed the lieutenant. What
about the attack, The lieutenant inquired, someone will have to
(04:46):
get word to the forward platoons to hold up until
we can move up a new gun. I'll send a messenger,
but they're all out. One of them is bound to
return soon. If not. I'll what is the matter with
that man sulking behind that tree? Boomed General Fife, who
had been listening since the trainee had blurted his story.
(05:07):
The lieutenant snatched the bleeding recruit's arm and bolted for
the jeep. Hey, Lieutenant, take it easy, the trainee complained,
you're pulling my arm off. Ignoring him, the lieutenant was
absorbed in desperate calculation. The base hospital is about twelve
miles from here, he muttered as they ran. We should
(05:28):
be safe enough there. But General the captain was protesting,
that man is the company's snaffho. He means well, but
he was designed by nature to foul things up. I
won't buy that, Captain, the General said, forcibly. If a
man has the right attitude and still doesn't measure up,
(05:48):
then it's the fault of the people who are training him.
There was a mark of menace in the General's voice
as he said, do you read me like the handwriting
on the wall. The captain said, resignedly. He glanced at
the tree, behind which he knew Doom sat reading a
comic book. Give the man a chance to redeem himself,
(06:10):
and I am certain he'll come through with flying colors.
I'll give you the opportunity to prove it to yourself.
The general turned and bellowed at the tree. Soldier, Yo,
Private Whims, come over here. Wims scurried over to the
general and snapped a salute. The general flicked his hand
in return. Whims, your commanding officer has an important mission
(06:33):
for you. Wims turned to his captain, his face alight,
he braced and saluted smartly Wims. The captain said, I
want you to take a message to the lieutenant in
command of the first, third, and fourth platoons now in
the jump off area. Do you understand so far? Wims nodded.
(06:55):
Tell the lieutenant there's been a delay in the attack plan.
He's not to move out until he sees a white
signal flare fired from the spur of woods on his left.
Have you got that? Whims nodded emphatically yes. Sah, repeat
the message to tell the lieutenant there's been a change
in plans and he's not supposed to move until the
(07:17):
white flair he shot out of the woods on his
left flank. The captain exploded, delay, not change, and I
didn't say anything about a left flank. The woods on
his left flank and the spur of the woods on
his left that stick out one hundred yards beyond his
present position, or two different things. So help me, Whims.
(07:39):
If you get this message fouled up, I'll use you
as a dummy for bayonet practice. Whims squirmed unhappily. Couldn't
you write it down, sir? Why so you can get
captured in the general interposed. Even if the message is
a big garbled, the intent should be obvious to the
lieutenant if he has any intelligence. The captain regarded the
(08:03):
General balefully and then snapped at Whims, what are you
waiting for? Move out on the double. Whims trotted away,
and as soon as he was out of sight, the
General sent abruptly to Aaronson, I'm going over to the
red lines and watch your blue attack from there. Sure,
the captain snarled inwardly. Now that he set the fuse,
(08:25):
He's running for the hills. The General climbed into his
command car and waited while one of his majors dashed
into the woods along the path that led to the
attack group's staging area. Less than a minute later, he returned,
followed by a colonel. They jumped into the command car,
which roared off immediately. As the captain was trying to
(08:47):
puzzle out the incident's meaning, three of his runners came
out of the woods along the same path. Where have
you gold Bricks been? You should have been back long ago, sir.
One of them spoke up, there was a kernel a
little way back there, wouldn't let us pass, said the
general was having a secret conference and for us to wait.
(09:08):
The Captain tucked away the strange information for a later consideration.
Right now, there was no time to be lost. You
get over to the attack group and tell the lieutenant
in command to hold up until a white flare is
fired from the spur of woods on his left. All
other orders remain the same. If Whims has already been there,
(09:29):
the lieutenant is to disregard any message Whims might have
given him. If you see Whims, tell him to get
back here, all right, move out. You get over to
the second platoon in the reserve area and tell them
to rush a replacement machine gun with support riflemen to
the tip of the spur base a fire to be
maintained twenty minutes. Signal end to firing with white flare.
(09:54):
The captain dispatched his last runner with additional tactical revisions,
and then to time to consider the odd fact that
the General had one of his kernel's delay his messengers.
Was he only testing his ability to improvise? Yet he
seemed unduly anxious to have him use Whims. Why? Suddenly
(10:16):
into his mind flashed the scene of the General calling
Whims from behind the tree, and he knew what it
was that had been screaming for attention at the back
of his mind. These last hectic minutes, no one had
mentioned Whim's name with an earshot of the General, and
yet Feife had called Whims by name. Whims had not
(10:41):
been included in the company briefing, and he wished he
had had the courage to ask the captain where the
jump off area was, but the captain had been so
angry with him he had not wanted to provoke him further.
After a while of wondering, he came upon two of
his own company's flank pickets, nestled in a dead fall
a short distance beyond the edge of the woods. They
(11:04):
greeted him with hearty hostility. Get out of here, Whims.
You ain't got no business here, but I'm lookin for
the lieutenant. I got a message for him from the captain.
He's over there on that hill, one of them replied, spitefully,
indicating the hill occupied by the Red Force. Thanks, Whim said, gratefully,
(11:26):
and in all innocence, headed for the enemy hill. He
lost his bearings in the woods, and when he finally
came upon the hill, he had made a wide swing
around the left flank and was approaching its rear slope.
Immediately he was spotted by several trainees of the defending force,
foxholed on the lower slope. Since he came so openly
(11:47):
from the rear area and alone, they assumed he was
one of their own men. As they let him come
within challenging distance, they saw pinned to his tunic the
green cardboard bar that identified him as a messenger. The
bars were warned so that none coms wouldn't be snatching
for other duties messengers idling between missions, as had always
(12:10):
been done. Both sides in this exercise were using the
same device to identify their messengers, never expecting them to
be delivering messages behind enemy lines. The challenged Whims explained
his mission, and he was passed through with the information
that most of the junior officers were on the forward slope.
(12:31):
Whims climbed up the hill inconspicuous, among others scurrying about
on various missions, many of whom did not wear the
identifying red armband of the defenders. He reached the crown
of the wooded hill without finding a second lieutenant who
was not a referee. He had almost reached the bottom
of the forward slope when a small bush jumped up
(12:53):
and yelled, Hey Jack, whyn't you watch where you're going.
Whims pulled back just in time to avoid falling into
a well camouflaged machine gun nest. One of the foliage
covered gunners, thinking Whims was about to topple on him,
jumped aside. His ankle twisted under him, and he fell,
(13:14):
catching the barrel of the machine gun just under the
edge of his helmet and sagging into unconsciousness. A platoon
sergeant heard the steely clatter and rushed over. That's funny,
he growled ominously. I could have sworn I set up
a machine gun in placement here, but it's making noises
like a boiler factory. The assistant gunner pointed to the
(13:38):
unconscious gunner. He fell and hit his head he's breathing,
but he ain't moving. The chattering of a machine gun
from the woods opposite the hill was noted by the sergeant,
and he knew the blues would be coming soon. He
turned to the gunner, get up the hill and snag
one of our loonies or our referee. Tell him we
got a man hurt here, and he's looking at The
(14:00):
gunner dashed off, and the sergeant jerked his thumb at Whims,
you get on that gun. But I got an important
message for the lieutenant, Wims protested. The sergeant, annoyed, glanced
at the green bar. What lieutenant, The captain said, the
lieutenant in charge, gimme the message, I'll tell him. Whims
(14:21):
started to protest, but the sergeant's eyes crackled. Well. The
captain said for the lieutenant not to move out till
he saw the white flare fired out of the woods
on his left. Not to move out. The sergeant echoed, doubtfully,
that don't sound right. Are you sure he didn't say
not to fire until we saw the white flare? Maybe
(14:44):
that's it, Wims said, agreeably. Maybe the sergeant roared, what
do you mean? Maybe he grabbed Whims by the collar
and pushed his face against the boys as if he
were about to devour him. Is it yes or no?
E yes? Wims agreed nervously. What's your name? Soldier? The
(15:05):
sergeant asked, Dolliver Whims. You don't happen to be a general,
do you? Wims look confused. No, he ventured, Well, then
say so. The sergeant screamed, I'm not a general, Wim said, desperately,
trying to please. Are you trying to get wise with me?
(15:26):
What is your rank? Private? Now? What's your name? Soldier?
Whims finally understood, Private Whims, Dolliver, that's better. The sergeant's
eyes narrowed as he searched his memory. I don't remember
seeing you around this company before. I don't recall seeing
(15:48):
you round here either, Wims said, in suicidal innocence. You're
getting wise with me. The sergeant roared, I'll take care
of you later. He thrust Wims into the pit with
the machine gun. Now stay there on that gun till
I get back. I'm going to find the lieutenant. Wims
(16:08):
squatted behind the gun, squinting experimentally through the sights and
swinging the barrel to and fro. The sergeant returned shortly
with the lieutenant. That's him, he said, pointing to Whims.
The sergeant glanced at the green bar. Are you sure
you got that message straight? Wims looked at the menacing sergeant. Yes, suh,
(16:29):
he said, swallowing. Somebody is crazy. The lieutenant muttered, Sergeant, tell,
lieutenant has to cover my platoon. I'm going back to
the CP to see Captain Blair about this message. I'll
try to be back before the attack starts to either
confirm or cancel the order, but if not, Hawes is
to hold his fire until he spots the white flare
(16:53):
or the Blues are right on top of us, whichever
happens first. The lieutenant hustle the hill and the sergeant
went off to find Lieutenant Hawes, leaving Whims alone with
the machine gun and the still unconscious gunner. The distant
machine gun firing had stopped, and the white smoke of
(17:13):
a screen laid down by the Blue attackers started scudding
thickly across the face of the hill, hiding them as
they charged. Pickets are back, the sergeant yelled at Lieutenant Hawes.
The Blues have crossed the road and are in the
gully at the bottom of the hill. How the devil
can I possibly see a signal flare through these trees
and all the smoke. Haws muttered to the sergeant, I
(17:37):
think we've got a first class snaff. Foo. Let's go
check the machine gumposition if it's still there. A whistle
sounded and the Blue Company surged up out of the
ditch and swarmed up the hill as had been ordered.
Not a defending shot had yet been fired. Whims opened
the breach of the machine gun to see if the
(17:59):
ammunition belt was properly engaged. He had a difficult time
forcing it open, and when he succeeded, he found the
webbing twisted and a couple of cartridges jammed in at
impossible angles. As he was trying to clear it, the
unconscious gunner revived, glanced at the advancing Blues, and made
for the gun, which Whibbs had already commenced to take
(18:20):
a part what he had doin. The gunner yelled. He
pushed Whims aside, causing him to release his hold on
the powerful spring. The bolt shot out of the back
of the gun and struck the approaching Lieutenant Haws above
the left ear just as he was opening his mouth
to give the order to return fire. He fell to
(18:42):
the ground with the command unspoken, and the sergeant knelt
to his aid. At the same moment, Whims recognized some
members of his platoon charging up the hill and realized
for the first time he was behind enemy lines. In
sheer embarrassment, he slunk away, hoping none of his comrades
(19:03):
would notice. The lieutenant, who had gone to confirm Whims's message,
now came running down the hill shouting at his men
to return fire. He had his captain with a lieutenant
aid in tow, and when they reached the machine gun
nest and the fallen Haws, the lieutenant looked for Whims.
I tell you he was here, the lieutenant said. The
(19:24):
gunner and the sergeant can bear me out. And I
tell you, the captain said, excitedly, I did not issue
any such bird brained order. A lieutenant referee tapped the
captain on the shoulder. Sir, would you gentlemen please leave
the field, he said, indicating the lieutenant, the captain and
his aid, the sergeant, the gunner, and the unconscious haws.
(19:47):
You are all dead. The captain looked around to discover
that their little group was the target of blank fire
of several advancing Blue infantrymen. But we are trying to
straighten out a mix up here, the captain protested. I'm sorry, sir,
but you're all standing here gossiping in the middle of
a battle. Theoretically you are all Swiss cheese. Please leave
(20:10):
the area. We won't leave the area, the captain shouted.
I'm trying to tell you we wouldn't be dead if
some idiot had gotten in here and bollocks up this
training exercise. And it was a brilliant demonstration of infiltration
and diversionary tactics by Dolliver Whims, said General Fife. Striding forward,
(20:31):
the Captain rolled his eyes heavenward in supplication before turning
to face the general. Sir, he inquired, acidly, what are
Dolliver whims? Private whims is the embodiment of the initiative
and resourcefulness we are trying to inculcate in all our soldiers.
(20:52):
I observe the entire operation, and he has demonstrated a
great potential for leadership. Fife hesitated, and for a moment
a shadow of repugnance darkened his features, as if for
purposes of camouflage, he were about to perform the necessary
but distasteful task of smearing mud over his crisp shining uniform.
(21:15):
I am recommending the private Whims for a battlefield commission.
A battlefield commission during a trainee exercise. The captain screeched incredulously.
Feife looked at him severely. Captain, if you were unable
to communicate except in those high tones, I would suggest
a visit to the base hospital for some hormones. The
(21:39):
general pause that looked around. It seems, Captain, you've lost
the hill. He glanced at his watch, and in record
time too. Sir, The captain said, I won't accept that
this is a limited training exercise conducted without benefit of
full communications, weapons or elaborate tactics. Blue Company had no
right to send a man behind our lines to Captain five, said,
(22:03):
with annoyance, you are the most argumentative corpse I have
ever encountered. I'm leaving now to get that recommendation off
to Washington. In the meantime, have some one tell Captain
Aronson to see that Whims is not assassinated before we
get his lieutenancy. End of Part two
Part two of I Was a Teenage Secret Weapon by
Richard Sabier. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
Part two. Captain Aarronson, the company commander, faced two of
his lieutenants. You're not telling me anything new, he said wearily.
(00:21):
I know all about Whims. I've tried everything to get
him discharged honorably and otherwise. I've spent a lot of
time setting things up so he could hardly help but
foul up and we could bounce him. But what happens
everybody else fowls up and he stays clean. As if
(00:42):
that isn't enough to worry about, Headquarters has notified me
that General Harmond B. Fife of the General Staff will
come down from Washington tomorrow for a tour of this post.
He'll visit the bivouac area and observe the tactical exercises.
As you know, gentlemen, tomorrow is the final day of
the two week bivouac for this company, which completes their
(01:05):
sixteen week basic training program. We'll have the usual company
combat exercise, which will involve the attack, capture, and defense
against counter attack of Hill ninety three, the same as
always said one of the lieutenants. It won't be the
same as always, the captain said, banging his fist on
(01:26):
his desk. The area of action, the battle plan may
be the same, but this time we've got General Feife
as an observer and Dolliver Whims as a participant. And
if I can manage to squeeze the day successfully past
that Scylla and Charybdis, I'll promise not to devour any
(01:46):
more second lieutenants. Between meals, Sir offered one of the lieutenants.
Why don't we put Whims in the hospital just for tomorrow.
It would be simple to arrange, say an upset stomach.
The captain looked sadly at his junior officer. It's the
only hospital we have, he said. Besides, I have a
(02:08):
better idea. I am detaching Whims from his platoon and
will keep him with me at the company command post
as a messenger. And I'll shoot the first man who
attempts to use him as a messenger or anything else. Ah,
no need to worry about that. Sir Whims may have
us a little shook up, but he hasn't flipped us yet.
(02:32):
I hope we can all say that when tomorrow ends
the captain said fervently. The company command post had been
set up under a cluster of dispirited pines, obviously suffering
from tired sap, but in spite of the ragged shade
they provided against the mild mid morning sun, Captain Aaronson
was perspiring excessively and becoming increasingly unsettled. He glanced uneasily
(02:58):
over at the somewhat place sanitary bulk of General Fife,
surrounded by his satellite colonels and other aides, and muttered
to his lieutenant. If Old brass Bottom came down here
to observe the exercise, then why the devil doesn't he
go over to the hill and observe instead of hanging
around here like a sword of Demosthenes. I think you
(03:20):
mean Damocles, Captain. The lieutenant corrected, Demosthenes was the orator.
Aaronson looked sourly at the lieutenant. I know what I'm
talking about. Fife has only to say the word and
off come our heads. The lieutenant lowered his voice. I
don't like the way he keeps looking at Whims. Do
(03:41):
you think he's heard about him in Washington? You know
how rumors traveled in the army rumors, yes, the captain said,
but the truth can't even limp out of the orderly room.
He wiped his brow and shot a venomous glance at Whims.
He said to thee I don't like Whims sitting there
(04:02):
in full view of the General. Go tell him to
take his comic book and sit on the other side
of the tree. At that moment, one of the young
trainees stumbled into the headquarters area, bleeding profusely from a
deep gash on his cheek. Between long, tarrying gasps, he
told how the machine gun intended to serve as the
base of fire for the attacking platoons, had been captured
(04:26):
by a Red patrol before he could be set up.
They were being let off under the supervision of a
referee when he tumbled into a ravine and in the confusion,
made good his escape. Get the jeep and rush this
man to the hospital, the captain instructed the lieutenant. What
about the attack, The lieutenant inquired, someone will have to
(04:46):
get word to the forward platoons to hold up until
we can move up a new gun. I'll send a messenger,
but they're all out. One of them is bound to
return soon. If not. I'll what is the matter with
that man sulking behind that tree? Boomed General Fife, who
had been listening since the trainee had blurted his story.
(05:07):
The lieutenant snatched the bleeding recruit's arm and bolted for
the jeep. Hey, Lieutenant, take it easy, the trainee complained,
you're pulling my arm off. Ignoring him, the lieutenant was
absorbed in desperate calculation. The base hospital is about twelve
miles from here, he muttered as they ran. We should
(05:28):
be safe enough there. But General the captain was protesting,
that man is the company's snaffho. He means well, but
he was designed by nature to foul things up. I
won't buy that, Captain, the General said, forcibly. If a
man has the right attitude and still doesn't measure up,
(05:48):
then it's the fault of the people who are training him.
There was a mark of menace in the General's voice
as he said, do you read me like the handwriting
on the wall. The captain said, resignedly. He glanced at
the tree, behind which he knew Doom sat reading a
comic book. Give the man a chance to redeem himself,
(06:10):
and I am certain he'll come through with flying colors.
I'll give you the opportunity to prove it to yourself.
The general turned and bellowed at the tree. Soldier, Yo,
Private Whims, come over here. Wims scurried over to the
general and snapped a salute. The general flicked his hand
in return. Whims, your commanding officer has an important mission
(06:33):
for you. Wims turned to his captain, his face alight,
he braced and saluted smartly Wims. The captain said, I
want you to take a message to the lieutenant in
command of the first, third, and fourth platoons now in
the jump off area. Do you understand so far? Wims nodded.
(06:55):
Tell the lieutenant there's been a delay in the attack plan.
He's not to move out until he sees a white
signal flare fired from the spur of woods on his left.
Have you got that? Whims nodded emphatically yes. Sah, repeat
the message to tell the lieutenant there's been a change
in plans and he's not supposed to move until the
(07:17):
white flair he shot out of the woods on his
left flank. The captain exploded, delay, not change, and I
didn't say anything about a left flank. The woods on
his left flank and the spur of the woods on
his left that stick out one hundred yards beyond his
present position, or two different things. So help me, Whims.
(07:39):
If you get this message fouled up, I'll use you
as a dummy for bayonet practice. Whims squirmed unhappily. Couldn't
you write it down, sir? Why so you can get
captured in the general interposed. Even if the message is
a big garbled, the intent should be obvious to the
lieutenant if he has any intelligence. The captain regarded the
(08:03):
General balefully and then snapped at Whims, what are you
waiting for? Move out on the double. Whims trotted away,
and as soon as he was out of sight, the
General sent abruptly to Aaronson, I'm going over to the
red lines and watch your blue attack from there. Sure,
the captain snarled inwardly. Now that he set the fuse,
(08:25):
He's running for the hills. The General climbed into his
command car and waited while one of his majors dashed
into the woods along the path that led to the
attack group's staging area. Less than a minute later, he returned,
followed by a colonel. They jumped into the command car,
which roared off immediately. As the captain was trying to
(08:47):
puzzle out the incident's meaning, three of his runners came
out of the woods along the same path. Where have
you gold Bricks been? You should have been back long ago, sir.
One of them spoke up, there was a kernel a
little way back there, wouldn't let us pass, said the
general was having a secret conference and for us to wait.
(09:08):
The Captain tucked away the strange information for a later consideration.
Right now, there was no time to be lost. You
get over to the attack group and tell the lieutenant
in command to hold up until a white flare is
fired from the spur of woods on his left. All
other orders remain the same. If Whims has already been there,
(09:29):
the lieutenant is to disregard any message Whims might have
given him. If you see Whims, tell him to get
back here, all right, move out. You get over to
the second platoon in the reserve area and tell them
to rush a replacement machine gun with support riflemen to
the tip of the spur base a fire to be
maintained twenty minutes. Signal end to firing with white flare.
(09:54):
The captain dispatched his last runner with additional tactical revisions,
and then to time to consider the odd fact that
the General had one of his kernel's delay his messengers.
Was he only testing his ability to improvise? Yet he
seemed unduly anxious to have him use Whims. Why? Suddenly
(10:16):
into his mind flashed the scene of the General calling
Whims from behind the tree, and he knew what it
was that had been screaming for attention at the back
of his mind. These last hectic minutes, no one had
mentioned Whim's name with an earshot of the General, and
yet Feife had called Whims by name. Whims had not
(10:41):
been included in the company briefing, and he wished he
had had the courage to ask the captain where the
jump off area was, but the captain had been so
angry with him he had not wanted to provoke him further.
After a while of wondering, he came upon two of
his own company's flank pickets, nestled in a dead fall
a short distance beyond the edge of the woods. They
(11:04):
greeted him with hearty hostility. Get out of here, Whims.
You ain't got no business here, but I'm lookin for
the lieutenant. I got a message for him from the captain.
He's over there on that hill, one of them replied, spitefully,
indicating the hill occupied by the Red Force. Thanks, Whim said, gratefully,
(11:26):
and in all innocence, headed for the enemy hill. He
lost his bearings in the woods, and when he finally
came upon the hill, he had made a wide swing
around the left flank and was approaching its rear slope.
Immediately he was spotted by several trainees of the defending force,
foxholed on the lower slope. Since he came so openly
(11:47):
from the rear area and alone, they assumed he was
one of their own men. As they let him come
within challenging distance, they saw pinned to his tunic the
green cardboard bar that identified him as a messenger. The
bars were warned so that none coms wouldn't be snatching
for other duties messengers idling between missions, as had always
(12:10):
been done. Both sides in this exercise were using the
same device to identify their messengers, never expecting them to
be delivering messages behind enemy lines. The challenged Whims explained
his mission, and he was passed through with the information
that most of the junior officers were on the forward slope.
(12:31):
Whims climbed up the hill inconspicuous, among others scurrying about
on various missions, many of whom did not wear the
identifying red armband of the defenders. He reached the crown
of the wooded hill without finding a second lieutenant who
was not a referee. He had almost reached the bottom
of the forward slope when a small bush jumped up
(12:53):
and yelled, Hey Jack, whyn't you watch where you're going.
Whims pulled back just in time to avoid falling into
a well camouflaged machine gun nest. One of the foliage
covered gunners, thinking Whims was about to topple on him,
jumped aside. His ankle twisted under him, and he fell,
(13:14):
catching the barrel of the machine gun just under the
edge of his helmet and sagging into unconsciousness. A platoon
sergeant heard the steely clatter and rushed over. That's funny,
he growled ominously. I could have sworn I set up
a machine gun in placement here, but it's making noises
like a boiler factory. The assistant gunner pointed to the
(13:38):
unconscious gunner. He fell and hit his head he's breathing,
but he ain't moving. The chattering of a machine gun
from the woods opposite the hill was noted by the sergeant,
and he knew the blues would be coming soon. He
turned to the gunner, get up the hill and snag
one of our loonies or our referee. Tell him we
got a man hurt here, and he's looking at The
(14:00):
gunner dashed off, and the sergeant jerked his thumb at Whims,
you get on that gun. But I got an important
message for the lieutenant, Wims protested. The sergeant, annoyed, glanced
at the green bar. What lieutenant, The captain said, the
lieutenant in charge, gimme the message, I'll tell him. Whims
(14:21):
started to protest, but the sergeant's eyes crackled. Well. The
captain said for the lieutenant not to move out till
he saw the white flare fired out of the woods
on his left. Not to move out. The sergeant echoed, doubtfully,
that don't sound right. Are you sure he didn't say
not to fire until we saw the white flare? Maybe
(14:44):
that's it, Wims said, agreeably. Maybe the sergeant roared, what
do you mean? Maybe he grabbed Whims by the collar
and pushed his face against the boys as if he
were about to devour him. Is it yes or no?
E yes? Wims agreed nervously. What's your name? Soldier? The
(15:05):
sergeant asked, Dolliver Whims. You don't happen to be a general,
do you? Wims look confused. No, he ventured, Well, then
say so. The sergeant screamed, I'm not a general, Wim said, desperately,
trying to please. Are you trying to get wise with me?
(15:26):
What is your rank? Private? Now? What's your name? Soldier?
Whims finally understood, Private Whims, Dolliver, that's better. The sergeant's
eyes narrowed as he searched his memory. I don't remember
seeing you around this company before. I don't recall seeing
(15:48):
you round here either, Wims said, in suicidal innocence. You're
getting wise with me. The sergeant roared, I'll take care
of you later. He thrust Wims into the pit with
the machine gun. Now stay there on that gun till
I get back. I'm going to find the lieutenant. Wims
(16:08):
squatted behind the gun, squinting experimentally through the sights and
swinging the barrel to and fro. The sergeant returned shortly
with the lieutenant. That's him, he said, pointing to Whims.
The sergeant glanced at the green bar. Are you sure
you got that message straight? Wims looked at the menacing sergeant. Yes, suh,
(16:29):
he said, swallowing. Somebody is crazy. The lieutenant muttered, Sergeant, tell,
lieutenant has to cover my platoon. I'm going back to
the CP to see Captain Blair about this message. I'll
try to be back before the attack starts to either
confirm or cancel the order, but if not, Hawes is
to hold his fire until he spots the white flare
(16:53):
or the Blues are right on top of us, whichever
happens first. The lieutenant hustle the hill and the sergeant
went off to find Lieutenant Hawes, leaving Whims alone with
the machine gun and the still unconscious gunner. The distant
machine gun firing had stopped, and the white smoke of
(17:13):
a screen laid down by the Blue attackers started scudding
thickly across the face of the hill, hiding them as
they charged. Pickets are back, the sergeant yelled at Lieutenant Hawes.
The Blues have crossed the road and are in the
gully at the bottom of the hill. How the devil
can I possibly see a signal flare through these trees
and all the smoke. Haws muttered to the sergeant, I
(17:37):
think we've got a first class snaff. Foo. Let's go
check the machine gumposition if it's still there. A whistle
sounded and the Blue Company surged up out of the
ditch and swarmed up the hill as had been ordered.
Not a defending shot had yet been fired. Whims opened
the breach of the machine gun to see if the
(17:59):
ammunition belt was properly engaged. He had a difficult time
forcing it open, and when he succeeded, he found the
webbing twisted and a couple of cartridges jammed in at
impossible angles. As he was trying to clear it, the
unconscious gunner revived, glanced at the advancing Blues, and made
for the gun, which Whibbs had already commenced to take
(18:20):
a part what he had doin. The gunner yelled. He
pushed Whims aside, causing him to release his hold on
the powerful spring. The bolt shot out of the back
of the gun and struck the approaching Lieutenant Haws above
the left ear just as he was opening his mouth
to give the order to return fire. He fell to
(18:42):
the ground with the command unspoken, and the sergeant knelt
to his aid. At the same moment, Whims recognized some
members of his platoon charging up the hill and realized
for the first time he was behind enemy lines. In
sheer embarrassment, he slunk away, hoping none of his comrades
(19:03):
would notice. The lieutenant, who had gone to confirm Whims's message,
now came running down the hill shouting at his men
to return fire. He had his captain with a lieutenant
aid in tow, and when they reached the machine gun
nest and the fallen Haws, the lieutenant looked for Whims.
I tell you he was here, the lieutenant said. The
(19:24):
gunner and the sergeant can bear me out. And I
tell you, the captain said, excitedly, I did not issue
any such bird brained order. A lieutenant referee tapped the
captain on the shoulder. Sir, would you gentlemen please leave
the field, he said, indicating the lieutenant, the captain and
his aid, the sergeant, the gunner, and the unconscious haws.
(19:47):
You are all dead. The captain looked around to discover
that their little group was the target of blank fire
of several advancing Blue infantrymen. But we are trying to
straighten out a mix up here, the captain protested. I'm sorry, sir,
but you're all standing here gossiping in the middle of
a battle. Theoretically you are all Swiss cheese. Please leave
(20:10):
the area. We won't leave the area, the captain shouted.
I'm trying to tell you we wouldn't be dead if
some idiot had gotten in here and bollocks up this
training exercise. And it was a brilliant demonstration of infiltration
and diversionary tactics by Dolliver Whims, said General Fife. Striding forward,
(20:31):
the Captain rolled his eyes heavenward in supplication before turning
to face the general. Sir, he inquired, acidly, what are
Dolliver whims? Private whims is the embodiment of the initiative
and resourcefulness we are trying to inculcate in all our soldiers.
(20:52):
I observe the entire operation, and he has demonstrated a
great potential for leadership. Fife hesitated, and for a moment
a shadow of repugnance darkened his features, as if for
purposes of camouflage, he were about to perform the necessary
but distasteful task of smearing mud over his crisp shining uniform.
(21:15):
I am recommending the private Whims for a battlefield commission.
A battlefield commission during a trainee exercise. The captain screeched incredulously.
Feife looked at him severely. Captain, if you were unable
to communicate except in those high tones, I would suggest
a visit to the base hospital for some hormones. The
(21:39):
general pause that looked around. It seems, Captain, you've lost
the hill. He glanced at his watch, and in record
time too. Sir, The captain said, I won't accept that
this is a limited training exercise conducted without benefit of
full communications, weapons or elaborate tactics. Blue Company had no
right to send a man behind our lines to Captain five, said,
(22:03):
with annoyance, you are the most argumentative corpse I have
ever encountered. I'm leaving now to get that recommendation off
to Washington. In the meantime, have some one tell Captain
Aronson to see that Whims is not assassinated before we
get his lieutenancy. End of Part two
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