Closed Doors Open Windows

Amanda’s 16-year-old dog Cocoa died. Thug down. Melissa’s husband sold his 22-year-old business. Thug down. Might need Kleenex for this one but not for long. After the musical break in the middle, join Melissa for a night out at a 90s R&B dance party, Covid be damned. #PMA #SF

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
M h, how was your sadness? Hiatus um sad? I imagine it

(00:48):
was this week I just did whateverI felt like doing. If that,
how do I say this? Okay? So in addition to having to put
Coco down, I also had onlast Friday was my very last day teaching

(01:11):
at Akat because they have gone outof business, are you know the franchise
here, So there was like twobig changes in twenty four hours forty eight
hours ish, and so like youknow, instead of waking up on Sunday
morning like I normally would to goteach my class and all my early mornings
this week, I just said,you know what, fuck it, I'm

(01:34):
going to wake up when I feellike it, and if I feel like
moving my body this week, I'mgoing to do that. And if I
feel like stopping on my way homefor a salad for lunch, I'm going
to do that. So it wasjust very much like a week of yes
and if it feels good and ifit feels right, I'm going to do
it, and if it doesn't,I'm not. And well you had to

(01:56):
take it because you know you hadthat dog for in dog years fifty years
and in human years, what almosttwenty years. She was quite old.
She was sixteen, so yeah,that's almost twenty years, so not just
any old change, you know.And I and this is something that we

(02:22):
non dog owners don't really think about. I guess you know, there's like
a fucking quiet and emptiness in yourhouse, like I imagine, you know
what I mean. Yeah, I'velooked for her, and that's the first
thing that I think of, becauseyou know, because she was very old,

(02:45):
she also was incontinent, and shewas also always cold, and so
you know, I'm I'm looking forher when I wake up in the middle
of the night to make sure she'sstill in bed, does she does she
wake up? Does she need togo out out? Um? You know,
instead of scooping two bowls of dogfood, you're scooping one. Instead

(03:06):
of you know, letting two dogsout, You're you're just calling for the
one. Like last night I askedQuinn. I was like, hey,
can you feed Louis and Coco?And I was like, ah, or
like when I call, like whenI leave for work, I put them
in their grates. And so youknow, I was always call her because
she's because she was older, shegot treated as the alpha and so I
she was always the first one thatI put away, and so I,

(03:28):
you know, called for her.And then I was like, oh,
so there's little things like that thatit's just it's weird. It's um and
you know, her little her littletip tap and to nails coming down the
hallways. And that's the first thingI thought of, that is when I
say there's a quiet, I literallywas like, oh my god, there's
there's probably like a sound that you'reused to and you and it probably is

(03:50):
like an alarm clock. It's coveredlike a Yes, you're so used to
it. It's it's it's biological toyou now that you'll hear and you know,
you know what to expect. Youknow, I never had a pet,
so I wouldn't know behalf of it. But I imagine the quiet is
unexpected, even though you try toprepare as much as you can for this

(04:15):
inevitable time, even though yeah,you had a long time to prepare for
it because she wasn't well for aminute, but like, still, okay,
why am I getting missed? Ohno, it's just it becomes part
of your daily fabric and and thenall of a sudden, like something that

(04:35):
you didn't really think twice about isyou know now you're expecting it. Like
Chris was saying that our bedroom door, as people that have been listening to
this podcast from the beginning when Iwas still recording in the bedroom, you
could always hear it squeak when itopens, and so at night we would
go to bed, and Louie wouldalways come with us right away and sleep
in our bed, but Coco likesto sleep in her little dog bed in

(04:56):
our room near the space heater,and so sometimes she wouldn't come with us
right away, and maybe like halfan hour after we were in bed,
I could hear her, and thenthe door would squeak open, and she'd
come in and she'd find her alittle spot and she'd spin and laid down.
And so he was like, everytime the door squeaks, I look
for her because I think that she'scoming in. It's just it's sad,

(05:18):
but she you know, the decline. It was one of those things where
last Friday morning, I made thedogs scrambled eggs and I mixed it in
with their food because we were stilltrying to get louise appetite back up after
his hospitalization, and he was stillkind of being finnicky, So they were
getting special meals every day and Iput it down and she didn't even get

(05:41):
up from her spot on the rug. And she's my dog that like eats
garbage. Like I mean, justtwo weeks ago, I had to fish
chewing gum out of her mouth becauseone of the children had spit chewing gum
out in the landscaping and they tookher for a walk and she sniffed it
out and found it and came inlike chewing gum. So she eats garbage.
For her to deny a meal wasjust I've never known her not to

(06:06):
eat. Ever. She'll eat herfood, she'll eat Louis food, and
then she'll come and like you know, beg for food at the table.
So when she didn't get up tocome eat, I was like, oh,
And I just randomly emailed the homehospice people because you can have a
vet come to your house and youknow, put your dog down in your

(06:26):
house and you don't have to takethem anywhere and all that kind of stuff.
And so I'd always thought like,if I have the opportunity, that's
how I would like to put thedogs out at their time, because I
think that that's you know, themost gentle and loving way, and then
it's not traumatic for the children whathave you. So I just reached out
and I said, hey, youknow, can you come to an evaluation

(06:46):
and let me know because I seethings happening, but like she's she's still
acting, you know, pretty muchlike herself without all of these other senior
things that have come up. Andthen we had a really bad night Friday
night and she still wasn't eating,she was vomiting constantly, she couldn't stand
upright, she was walking crooked.And so when I talked to the lady

(07:08):
on Saturday, we had set upan appointment for Sunday morning to do the
evaluation and then if the evaluation provedthat, you know, she needed to
be put down, then they wouldsend a nurse back at another time that
day and take care of her.But by like three o'clock on Saturday,
it was a parrot that it wascruel to make her wait until the morning

(07:31):
because she had a couple more episodes. So I called them back and they
were like, well, we don'thave anybody available today, but here are
two other companies that can you know, maybe help you. So luckily one
of them had a doctor available.But it was one of those things like
we had just sat down with thekids and said, hey, you know,
here's what's happening tomorrow. We wantyou to be prepared. You can

(07:53):
choose how you want to participate ornot. And so it went from like,
this is happening tomorrow he out toshe's coming at five and it's happening
this afternoon, and so it wasjust you know, you're managing your emotions,
you're managing the emotions of the children, and I mean it's abrupt,

(08:15):
even though we knew it was time. Yeah, you know what I mean,
Yeah, it just happened so fast. But I will say the first
dog that we had to put down, he had a heart condition, and
it was one of those instances whereit was like Saturday night at eleven o'clock

(08:37):
and I looked at Chris and Iwas like, he's making like weird breathing
noises, like it sounds like he'sstruggling. And so we kind of watched
him for maybe an hour, andI was like, I think he needs
to go to the emergency vet.So Chris took him, and you know,
not forty five minutes later do Iget a call and they're like,
you need to put him down.He's like drowning. His lungs are filling
with fluid. And I was like, oh fuck. So for me it

(09:00):
was horrible because he like left myhouse and then never came back, and
I didn't I felt like I didn'thave the appropriate time to like say goodbye
and pet him and give him loveand you know everything that you you know,
you hope you can do before youhave to say good bye to an
animal. And so I always thoughtlike, if I have, if I

(09:22):
have to do it again, Iwant to do it where someone comes to
my house and it can be likejust very gentle and loving and you know,
comfortable. And so we I cleaned. She always hung out in our
front room, so like I vacuumedthe rug, I dusted, I cleaned,
I cleaned the floors, I smudgedthe space, I lit a candle,
I had on soft music, andwe you know, Chris was able

(09:46):
to hold her and the kids wereable to pet her and you know,
love, honor and talk to her. And it's a two part process.
So they give them medicine to likerelax them and calm them down and just
make them very sleepy, very drowsy. Um, and then I sis to

(10:07):
wait about five minutes and then theyadminister the next medication and um, and
then she waits and then she youknow, took her took her little stethoscope
out and you know, confirmed thatshe had passed, and um. We
chose to take care of the bodyon our own. So we had dug
a spot for her in the backyardunderneath a river birch that we had,

(10:28):
and you know, everybody was allowedto like process it in their own way.
And after she left, we justwe had laid her down on the
floor and the kids could lay nextto her and and kiss her and snuggle
her. I'm so sorry, I'msorry, I'm sorry. It was just

(10:52):
really lovely and that sounds weird tosay, but like, oh no,
it really was. We were ableto, Yeah, we were able to
hold her and kiss her and talkto her, making a safe space.
Like I don't know what the fuckis wrong with me. Oh, I
am so sorry, No, it'sokay, it was. It was.

(11:22):
It was the most loving way tosay goodbye to uh, somebody, a
family member, somebody that's been withus, you know for a long time,
and you know, and to letthe kids experience that. A lot
of my anxiety is around death anddying, and so it was it felt

(11:45):
like a huge parenting moment for meto be able to like be with my
kids in that moment and talk tothem about that and let them experience it
in a gentle and loving way sothat hopefully, you know, they're not
afraid of it. So anyways,it was really really kind. And you
put your kids first doing it,you put the animal first doing that.

(12:11):
I was not prepared, Like Iknew we were gonna have to touch on
it, you know, and Ihad actually spent I had actually spent our
time off kind of trying to thinkabout how to maintain a level of like

(12:37):
healthy conversation about it at the sametime as not wanting to pry inside of
your you know, process of dealingwith the loss of your dog, because
I understand it's a family member,and like I was like, you know,
be careful and mindful that you don'ttry to like content ify this thing

(13:03):
that happened to their family, whichis why I thought it was important for
us to take the time off.Yeah, and so I'm like imagining myself
fucking this up entirely no. Imean when we were talking last week,
I was like, you know,the grief and the feelings and the things
that we're going through right now arenot content to be monetized. However,

(13:28):
I was thinking today, I thought, because we have so many animal lovers
that listened to the show, andyou know, I I feel like talking
about it is may be helpful becauseI, you know, I would have

(13:52):
never known. I had a friendwho you know, had the home services
come to her for her senior dog, and I carry a lot of sadness
about not having been with Vinny whenwe had to put him down, and
and when we put our family dogdown in twenty fifteen, it was you
know, the dog that my parentshad. I was able to be with

(14:15):
him, but he was at thevet and it was just me in there,
and that was incredibly sad. Andso I always felt like you just
you wonder when is the right time, and you wonder how long to let
a pet go. And it's oneof those situations where, you know,

(14:41):
had she not stopped eating, Iprobably would have just let her carry on,
but the fact that she was sovisibly uncomfortable it felt really selfish.
But at the same time, youknow, you hold up that hope,
you're like, well, maybe she'lljust maybe this is just like, oh,
you know, a weird stomach bug. Maybe she's just vomiting because she's

(15:05):
old and that's just part of herbeing old. I've never had a sixteen
year old dog before um, Andand so it feels gross to have to
to think about it, and itfeels gross to have to, you know,
call and talk to somebody on thephone about it. And and I
think the hardest part really of it, all of it was um she hated

(15:30):
going outside. She hated it.She hated going outside her. So my
friend we um, you know,we obviously buried her out back and I
was like, oh, she wouldbe so pissed to find out that she
had to be buried outside in thebackyard because she hated going outside. And

(15:52):
so the hardest part was having toput her in the ground and then leave
her there. And even though Iknow, you know, it's just her
body, I think that that waswhen it really hit me, was I
felt so bad that I had toleave her there. And I actually had
a dream this week where I wentto the back door in the sun room,

(16:17):
because that's where we let them out, and she was sitting on the
steps staring at me like, youfucking bitch, I can't leave not you
had to leave me outside. Soanyways, um, we're gonna plant something,
you know, over top of wherewe buried her. And I felt
like it was, you know,important to have a place where the kids,

(16:37):
you know, could if they wantedto go out and you know,
visit and say hi, they could. But I felt so bad having to
put her, put her outside becauseI was like, oh, sorry,
but she's outside at home. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't sent her to

(17:00):
some clinic where she was put ina box, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I've heard about her littlethings. I have only like heard
from my friends who've had to dealwith it, like all of the terrible
ways in which it's going to be. But I am always moved by like

(17:22):
y'all be putting them in their blanket, y'all be holding them and putting yourselves
through absolute hell and horror to dothe right thing by the animal. And
I'd be like, go dog owner, because that is another layer of you

(17:44):
know, pain. But you hadall the years, you know, and
she had a great life, andhe gave her a great life, and
you sent her off in such abeautiful and peaceful way. That was the
right a nice thing to do.Yeah, girl, I was not and

(18:10):
and and and as this was happeningin your household, like say, we
had a drone flying over both ourhouseholds, just watching us. You know,
the back family has also been survivinga loss of like something that was

(18:40):
such a normal, everyday piece ofour life. And I'm like trying to
like look at it as the closingof one door and the opening of another,
you know, really trying to bepositive about it. So our little
hiatus couldn't have come at a bettertime, because I really wasn't in the
space to like, you know,share joke around on the internet. Yeah,

(19:07):
I wasn't because I was like,fuck, I'm really worried about us.
But also like, you know,because it is the closing of one
door and the opening of another,I gotta like stay positive because you know,
this positivity is gonna feed us Basically. Yeah, you know, now

(19:29):
we're at a place where professionally we'regonna have to take some risks that I
am not prepared to take. ButI also feel like part of being married
to a right brain creative person isletting them cook. Yea, even if

(19:55):
you ultimately know that, I mean, it's it's only two outcomes, you
know what I mean, Like we'regonna come out of this fucking straight as
fuck, or were there's gonna besome hard times ahead. Um. I
think it's hard to you know,to make that shift as you get older,

(20:15):
because it's been such a constant,you know, in your life since
you've known him. So it's,um, it's a huge life shift,
a huge you know change, andso a huge change also because like I

(20:37):
when I think about when I thinkabout my part in this beautiful twenty plus
year old business, you know,like so many years of that business were
built during a time when where Ihad to be, you know, both

(21:02):
a cheerleader and a self sufficient personover here because you know, with the
kind of dude that he is,you got to just watch him run out
the door and go do his thing, and kind of that requires a a

(21:25):
self sufficiency on the partner's part.Yeah, And so like a part of
me feels like my invisible labor inthat is now also different because we're seeing
each other a whole lot more.You know, times have changed, the
pandemic made it, you know,both scarier, but then also did prepare

(21:49):
us for this door to close,you know, seeing him more and now
he knows you know, his kid'steachers names, and there's family time that
we've gained out of this change.M But you know, and it's also
really fucking scary, right yeah,and just weird, you know, like

(22:17):
it was. It was it wasa it was like a little punk rock
engine that could until it couldn't,you know, And so it really is
all that I can't believe. I'mjust like it was just such a good

(22:45):
thing and like kind of them andlike I constantly like being like, you
have to be so proud of yourself. People don't have you know, people
build businesses that are successful for twentythree whole years, and you did that,
you know, yeah, oh mygod, Yeah you're a fucking baby.
You know now you're you're a baby, and you've got you fucking changed

(23:10):
people's lives, you know, likehe really did. You know, they're
fucking people that have whole entire familiesin hell, Like he employed a lot
of people for two decades and thatI'm like that alone, Oh my god,
it's not a sucking bad thing.Yeah, people do it all the

(23:33):
time. It is incredible. I'mjust like shabby because you are every day
you know, right right? Ihate it well. And the work that
that you put in to your familyallowed him to do what he needed to
do, And in this new season, you'll continue to do the same thing.

(24:00):
And I think that you know youalready, He already knows you know
the work that it's going to take, and he's obviously not afraid of that.
And he's not and that's well,that's the part I'm nervous about.
He has a level of ambition andfearlessness going into his next you know,

(24:22):
professional endeavor, and I'm like reallyfucking excited for him, but I'm also
like really scared. But as thewife of a creative person, you can't
like express fear like that because theyinternalize it as nay saying or discouragement.
And that's not in any way whatI mean. I just mean, you

(24:45):
know, being poor as a bridgetoo far, motherfucker. So maybe we
should slow down, but you can'tsay that. Shit. The stakes are
different now because it's not just justinBeck, it's not just Melissa Beck.
It's now three tiny backs. Yep. That are also involved in this.
So yeah, I mean, anytimeyou you make a huge shift to how

(25:07):
you earn your livelihood, and especiallywhen you're the sole provider, it's yeah,
I think it's like it's normal tofeel the way you're feeling. And
that's like, you know, theyhave all these podcasts that entrepreneurs and people
who build businesses and people who buildtech and whatever. They have all of

(25:27):
these podcasts for these these people tolike, you know, understand people's mindsets
and understand understand people's business philosophies andunderstands, you know, mistakes that you
know, a new business endeavor canavoid, and this and that and the
other. And I'm liking to myself, why can't they never have the founders

(25:48):
fucking person talk about on the otherside of it. That would be really
interesting, you know what I'm saying, Like, Yeah, I want to
talk to Jeff Bezo's wife before allthe ship, you know what I mean,
Like, what was she doing whenhe was in the garage where kneepads
doing book orders? I mean,I'm sure she was in there too,

(26:08):
you know, but like, well, whatever she was doing did not work
out. It did though, becauseshe's still also a billionaire. But like
there's a different kind of fortitude andmental you got to have as a serial
entrepreneur's wife. Oh that that peopledon't talk about. And like, obviously

(26:30):
I can't sit up here and belike I'm sad. You know, these
are fucking great problems to have.You know, you sold your business and
now you're going to start a newone. That's a great problem to have.
It's just also a scary one tohave, and like it's a lot

(26:51):
of emotional labor to like be supportivebut also suppress your own inside nervousness.
You know, I am. Iam good with life, I am good
with love. I don't really fuckwith loss. I don't. Yeah,

(27:18):
yeah, and uh I'm just like, you know, scared. I guess
that's yeah, of course, Iguess that's the word, of course.
But my husband's not. My husbandis like honestly, I've never seen him

(27:41):
more fucking exuberant about life. AndI'm like, is this like your coping
mechanism? Like have you already mournedthe loss? Like have you already just
been you know, putting your mindtogether? And maybe that's how an entrepreneur
brain has to work, Like theycan't you know, get bogged down in
the you know, the closure theclosing of doors. They just got to

(28:07):
keep you know, opening windows.And I get that. Yeah, well,
and I'm sure that this opportunity isallowing him to use his brain in
a way that maybe he hasn't usedin the last twenty three years. You
know. It's a it's a brandnew creative endeavor. So there are so
many things that he has to beon top of as he's building it.

(28:30):
And it's exciting the creation of andthat anticipation of, you know, the
implementation of all of these things thathe's doing. So I'm sure there's got
to be you know, a pieceof that there. And it's, um,
I'm excited for you, but Ialso understand. I mean, we
went through something on a smaller scaleback in twenty seventeen with Chris, and

(28:53):
I was very nervous because he lefta job and he was just like,
I'm gonna take a hiatus and I'mjust gonna like talk to people and see
what's out there. I was like, okay, okay, what about this
fridge though, And he had beenwith the same company for ages for ages

(29:14):
and it just kind of like movedhis way up the ladder and was like
now seeing that the ship was sinkingwhere he was, and he was like,
I'm not going to hang around forthis. It's not going well,
so I'm just gonna jump out nowwhile i can. And you know,
he figured it out and made itwork, and you know, meetings with
people that he knew turned into youknow, the job that he got.

(29:36):
And but in the meantime, Iwas just like, so, you're not
applying for jobs. You're just goingto go have coffees with people you know
and see what happens. And thenhe was talking to like startups and there
were talks of like, you know, we're you're not going to get paid,
but if we sell and go,you know, go public, this
is a huge payout. And Iwas like, okay, yeah, and

(29:59):
I'm sorry my little brain, andthat's that's where I'm at, and like,
hold on, so are we gonnaput this much, Monanda? And
then when we are we getting itback? You know what I'm saying.
So you like, we've got togo public in like five years and seven
years or like right, you knowmy mind, I'm like, maybe just
get like a regular job. Yeah, But then you think about the people

(30:19):
that cashed out at Apple and you'relike, look, they're straight. The
little lady that was doing you know, the fucking accounting that day, she
went from you know, nobody tosomebody overnight because you know, she took
that chance. And so I haveto just be you know, supportive and
yeah, accepting of these risks,and um, you know, my whole

(30:44):
thing is I just need, youknow, I want to I want to
live here. I want my kidsto go to the schools that they're in
until they're finished with school. Andso you know what if she was seven,
you know, we I'm looking atthings in in a ten year block,
and in that ten years there's gonnabe some valleys. I'm certain there
will be some valleys, but youknow there might be some fucking mountain tops

(31:06):
that we could be screaming off thetop of. I just gotta set fuck
the state positive. I said.My whole new thing is positive mental attitude.
But you gotta add sick fortitude.You gotta add fortitude on top.
You just gotta yes, health iswealth, mental health is So you're still

(31:56):
committed to the gym, Yeah,yeah, is it helping you? Do
you think I'm muff eat some proteins, you know, some proteins and some
um. You know, I don'tunderstand why cheese is so bad, Like
why don't we treat cheese like it'ssuch a bad fucking thing. I love
cheese. Cheese is outrageous. Um. Yeah, I'm still you know,

(32:20):
Justin's back in the gym with me. We're doing great, awesome. I
haven't caught COVID yet, which iscrazy. I just I just well,
I'm definitely incubating right now. Ijust know that I am because I went
to a dance party with That's right, Yes, Irelin and her husband,

(32:44):
her husband and my husband have becomevery friendly and like a you know,
Justin likes to bounce ideas off ofother dudes. Her husband's a lawyer,
and you know, he asked themsome questions about some shit whatever. While
we're at dinner together, I seeher like Airline's one of my friends.
Where like we won't see each otherfor six months, eight months, and
then we'll see each other and it'slike we never not saw each other so

(33:07):
best At the Stanner, I don'tknow how it came up, and she
was like, do you want tocome to a dance party, and I
was like yes. Then I waslike, wait do I She goes,
no, No, you don't understand. It's really awesome. It's all nineties
R and B fucking it's a night. And I was like, what do
you mean. She was like,it's just you have to come go here.

(33:29):
Here are the tickets, steted off, and I was, you know,
I paid my little twenty dollars Andit really was an old school asked
dance party. It's the longest runningold school R and B hip hop dance
party. They happened on the firstFriday of every month in Manhattan. It's
a DJ named Herbert Holler. Ifyou listen into this, Herbert Holler,

(33:52):
you did that shit. And youknow what I said, because I did
have some concerns because I have notbeen you know, like when I was
going to see Glass Jaw, Iwear a mask. You know, I'm
in the back or I'm up init. I'm elevated up above in the

(34:15):
not crowd in my mask. Soyou know, when someone's asking me to
hang out and do like a girl'snight, you can't be you can't do
girls night with no mask on.And don't nobody got a mask on.
So I'm like doing all like theCOVID math in my brain of like how
I'm gonna get here, how I'mgonna get emotionally in that space where I'm

(34:36):
in a crowd, where I'm ina crowd without my mask on, because
I haven't done that yet, youknow what I mean, I've gone out,
I've done things. Like the craziestthing I do is four days a
week, I'm up in the gymwith no mask. And that's it.
You know what I'm saying. Peopleare huffing and puffing his particles in there.
So Melissa, it's enough with themask. Unfortunately, I still think

(34:57):
that m masks are important. Yeah, I don't want your fucking kids coughing
on my kids, you know Idon't. I don't. I don't want
to be on an airplane without amask on. But if I'm already committed
to go into the gym and Idon't have a mask on, like it's
time for me to start opening upand living a little and then accepting the
consequences of that living. So Iwas like, yeah, is it worth

(35:19):
possibly getting COVID to do a ninetiesR and B dance party, which is
crazy because everyone's normal answer is no, that would not be worth it because
COVID could kill you one. ButI got these antibodies, I got the
vaccine, and I'm gonna do it. I said, you know what,
I'm just gonna do it. He'slike, you're sure, He's like,

(35:40):
because you can't be that girl inthe group that's talking about COVID and shit
like. He's like, So she'sI'm like, yeah, sure, I'll
do it. The day the dayof the party comes and she was like,
we're gonna take the train, Dada da, And I go,
I'm gonna stop you right there.And she's like, well, do you

(36:01):
want to meet at my house andthen we'll get to the train that I
was like, okay, airline.You're like you just said train twice.
That's the train that's the problem.And I'm thinking to myself, girl,
like, we've been friends since wemet in the Trader Joe's what twenty fourteen.
We met in we met at theTrader of Those at the top of
twenty fifteen. I'm my girl.We've been in this game together eight nine

(36:22):
years now. You have not figuredout you have that he be driving Miss
Daisy. So the day of itcomes and I text her and I go,
I'm going to pick you up andyour girlfriend's up, and then we're
gonna get to the spot. Andshe was like okay, and then you

(36:44):
know we'll figure out, you know, taking the train home. And I
go, okay, I mean she'sa city person. Train ain't no ship
to her her, you know whatI mean, she'd be on the train.
I was like, okay. Shewas like I have said no,
no, we're not. She's like, well, what do you mean,
she's like a us in coming in? I go, what does that have
to do with anything? She waslike, well, what are you He's

(37:06):
going to take us home? Igo yes. She goes, but where's
he gonna go while we're inside thedance party? And I said that is
not our cousin. What are yousaying? And she goes, wait,
he's gonna pick us up, gowherever and then be there when we come
out. And I go right,and she goes okay, And so then

(37:27):
he drops us off and she goes, oh, we gotta go to coach
check. And I said coach check, I said, jessefex right here.
So if you want to leave yourcoat here, I was like, well,
I can't be cold, not oneminute. So we're either getting in
and going straight to the dance floorand then coming out and going straight to
the car. What do you mean? She's like, I think we should
bring our coach just in case.Like what do we have to wait for

(37:47):
him? And I was like,oh okay, and so her girlfriend's in
the car with us, and hergirlfriend's like I really need to know.
She's like, I know he justmet Melissa, but I need to know
what I've done wrong. Okay,what do you mean? She's like,
why doesn't she have Adjin back inher life. It's like, your fucking
husband is taking us. She's like, we're pre gaming in the car right

(38:09):
now. Like Iroline brought a bottleof wine. We had solo cops.
My wine had ice in it becauseI like to do mine a little you
know, country with it. Yeah, I was drinking my red wine with
my ice. You know, Ihad a straw. You know, we
were sitting in New York traffic before. We might as well be pre gaming

(38:29):
because I'm also not going to goinside there and wait in line at the
bar. I would like to havemy drink now so I can get in
there and just start dancing. Yeahyeah, yeah, justin ended up going
to see some death metal band andthen he also saw I think it was
a band of like fifteen year oldgirls doing like thrash. Oh wow whatever,

(38:50):
so you like film some of itand then you know, I'm in
a group text with him and Shalomand he's like, show them, this
could be you if you gave ashit, if you know, if you
if you stuck to something, ifyou kept that guitar I bought you,
um, And she I was like, yeah, that could be me,
but it's not. Um. Icould see why she was salty though,

(39:10):
because she was also babysitting. YeahI'm not there, yeah, watching your
kids. Yep. Anyway, weget into the dance party and the first
song is the Fucking Boys and thenas like a bunch of baby so boys

(39:36):
dial my heart at all people ourage girl. It was all old people.
Everyone in there's back hurt for shell, which was awesome. So I
got to dress like I wore anineties black bodysuit, little gold hoops.
I had the nerve to put heelson, and you know, I was

(39:57):
just in my flygirl essence, veryexcited and it was just only the hits.
To be real with you, itwas only, gosh, the fucking
hits. And I mean it reallywas when I say restorative, when I
say, like, you know what, it's like you you fucking joyful when

(40:21):
you put on a song that youreally fucking like at the height of like
at a time in your life whenshit was either going real fucked up or
you were on enough. It's amazingthe power of music. But the power
of music in community that was somedifferent shit. It was all people,
our age. It was everybody,like everybody in there definitely, you know,

(40:46):
you know, life has happened,you know, like we were in
there together. This was our time. God damn it it. I really
did felt like feel like this beingin a time machine. That's really what
it felt like. Because the songswere it was just crazy. It was

(41:07):
crazy. And you know, peoplewere like, you know, late thirties,
all the forties, fifty even inthis bitch and it was like people
were dressed, honey dressed. Imet a lovely lady. You know.
There were a couple of times wherein my mind I was like, oh
my god, I'm literally eating COVID. This is like this is so like

(41:30):
I couldn't stay present a lot ofthe time. It was like, yeah,
this is a lot of COVID.Melissa, you made this choice.
You have to stick here. Don'tbe it down or don't bring up COVID.
Don't say COVID. Because Irelon invitedme into her group of friends who
were all very lovely, and youknow, everybody was dancing and excited.
So every night and in Irelon wasalso like stay close. I know you

(41:52):
have your things, but you know, when you go, just tap me,
let me know where you went.You know what I'm saying. I
was like, yes, of course. So like I would be lined to
the little corner of the bar hydrate, come back, be line to the
little corner of the bar hydrate comeback. So you know, I had my
own little I figured out my ownlittle process. And at one point I

(42:13):
went to like the bathroom area andI met this just this lovely lady and
her name was Jennifer. And Iwas like, not Jennifer. I was
like, were you born in theseventies, Jennifer? She was like yes.
I was like, okay, becauseI'm a Melissa, so I'm making
friends with motherfuckers. Wow. AndWe're just it was just me and her,
Me and this Jennifer lady. Andthen I also met a girl named
Anna who was really nice. Anna'sand human resources. Um. We were

(42:36):
just all three talking about how joyfulthis place was. And I'm in the
mid conversation with Anna about human resources, and boom boom boom boo. I
was like, hold on a second, I knew they're not about to put
my motherfucking song on. I haveto go right now. But it was

(42:59):
so doesn't there. Even if Itried to get in back onto the dance
floor and back my ass up,I couldn't. So I just you know,
on the outskirts of the dance floorback in my ass up. But
it was really it was really wonderful. And I'm already look, I'm about
to slide in Herberhaller's um DMS andbe like, look, I want to

(43:20):
come to your party again, fastShell, but I'm gonna need early access
to them VIP tickets because I needlike a cheese tray, you know what
I mean, I need bottle service. I need to count shrike quick a
nearby. Much fun. It wasreally so much fun. It was very
nineties and it was so much fun. And then we came out. Justin

(43:44):
Beck was waiting ever so diligently.What a lovely husband. Everybody was like,
man, what was crazy about?It? Is like throughout the night,
every time I'd meet another new friendof hers, they'd be like,
Melissa, are the Melissa, They'relike, wait, your husband's outside.
I was like, they're like,wow, wow, we heard about you.
I'm like, really, really thatstrange and they're like, yes,

(44:05):
Melissa, Yeah, nobody's husband isdoing that. And I was like,
well, man, y'all should havechat. Was better? Um, I
mean it wasn't. I had todo things. Come on now, life
is free what I'm saying. Butit was really very wonderful and it felt
like just a really very New Yorknight because then Justin pulled over and we

(44:30):
got a little dollar pizza slice.It was just oh, yes, I
love those like the end of thenight where you stop at the place that's
still open and you get them homeor you eat it in the car.
Yeah I'm so jealous. Yes,And then you know, you get home,
you send your text did you gethome? Okay? Yes, You
get in your shower, you hydrate, you moisturize, you know, you

(44:51):
have dick poking in your back andokay, since you didn't drive, and
it's just you know, it wasa really lovely, perfect night and like
we felt young again and not likewe're in a very crazy professional doom.
It was great. I'm glad youwent. I'm glad you said. Yes.

(45:12):
I'm glad that you had that experiencebecause I bet that that was just
I think, Oh, I dothe same thing with COVID and going into
the yoga studio. Now, I'mlike, you know what, Amanda,
it's okay to go into Target becauseyou were literally breathing in everybody else's spittle
for sixty minutes. Yep, everytime you go to yoga, So how

(45:35):
it's Targets probably a better scenario.So it's it's okay. But I've started
to figure out it is Listen,I've started to figure because this is the
other thing. At some point Ihave to say to myself, Um,
Melissa, is this now your dedicationto this mask? Is this now hygiene

(45:59):
theory or m you know, like, at some point you have to accept
your own hypocrisy or you have tolook at it as you've also you've moved
on, and that's Okay. Ifeel guilty about them moving on because of
how fucking insane I was at thetop. But I was rightfully insane.
Um. I was still wearing masksinside all this. I still wear a

(46:22):
mask in the CBS. That's wheresick people go. Mhmm. But Justin
Beck doesn't wear a mask and targetI, me and the three kids are
trailing behind him, and you know, in our masks, and we look
crazy. Um. So it's amatter of picking and choosing and then having

(46:42):
that internal conversation with yourself that you'renot a piece of shit because you chose
not to wear your mask. Youknow what I mean, right, you
know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I mean the fuck is that should
be in masks, don't be inmasks. Not that that makes it okay

(47:04):
for me. I'm just saying,are you talking about my dad? Yeah,
I'm talking about a mute and compromisemotherfucker's Yeah. Yeah, yes,
yeah. It's definitely a wild placeto be and I've let the kids go
back without them. Bennett. Bennettis still my hold out. He doesn't

(47:30):
want to get rid of it,and I'm like, you know what,
fine, I said, You're okayto go without it. But if you
don't want to go without it,then it's okay. Girl. I had
my last holdout. Maja was toountil she had to get glasses and she
were discovered. Oh the nightmare ofglasses with masks. Yep. Well,

(47:50):
she was like, I think I'mjust gonna have to get COVID. Mommy,
foggy glasses is a lot, right, And she was like yeah,
and she was understanding, like Iwas a girl. I'm three years in
the game with glasses in a mask. Imagine me. Yeah, she was
like, yeah, that's crazy.So it's fine. You can send you

(48:12):
can throw your tomatoes and send yourhate mail to asking Perfect Strangers at gmail
dot com. You know, becauseI'm at the gym, I'm at the
club. Bamch you know what I'msaying, Like, I'm all the way
back to living life. Yeah,it had to happen at some point,

(48:35):
I think had happened. I'm herenow, we got a good run.
Listen, nobody's gonna be able totake that away from me. A matter
of fact, you know, Ithink about this new place that I am
in my and and and and Ialso I'm not saying that anything is ever

(48:57):
like before. This is nothing's inbe ever before is gone. We're never
gonna get back back. I don'tthink I'm reliving a a not so distant
past and things are back to normal. They're not. They're not. I
think that I just have to keepscamming boosters and got to navigate this new

(49:21):
normal, this new Melissa who doesn'thave COVID at the forefront of her mind
at all times. Yeah, andthat's okay. I'm allowed that. I'm
allowed to live a little Well,you're allowed to live. You're allowed to
change your mind, you're allowed tomake different choices. Yeah, And I

(49:45):
think that's the part I'm having becausemy eneogram one is really like, girl,
you talked out, Yeah, whata hypocrite, What an injustice that
you've done to all of the peoplethat you terrorized about COVID. You know,
Like that's how it's feeling for me. Um, But I also know
that I also know that back then, I wouldn't have been able to,

(50:07):
you know, have a subtle middleground about the ship. I had to
go all out with it. Ihad to be like, you're killing people,
your piece of shit with your haircuts. You know. I did,
though, and I stand by thatship still though you was y'all motherfucker's was
that was true before the backs likeit was? Yeah, I feel like

(50:30):
it was very different. I youknow, I think that it it was.
There was so there were so manyquestions that we had. We weren't
one hundred percent on how it spread. We weren't one hundred percent on you
know, and on any of it. And it changed every single day.
The information was constantly changing, andso it felt like there was there was

(50:51):
no right way to move that Icould look at it and say, okay,
well if I do X, Yand Z, I'll be okay.
So sorry, oh yeah, no, go ahead. You know what,
information is always changing what we're here. So then you left the monarchy,

(51:20):
right. I'm so happy. I'msorry. I'm just trying to I'm just
trying to understand. Hello out therein the Imperfect Strangers podcast universe. Thank
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(51:42):
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(52:30):
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(52:52):
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