March 4, 2023 • 56 mins
Melissa and Amanda respond to The Cut’s article on etiquette for the modern world for what they call “life after Covid.” After? OK, but we get the gist. It’s arguing time (in the most loving way). Do you cancel plans willy nilly? Do you trip when you see a famous person? Do you pretend you’re not impressed by someone’s accomplishments? Apparently there are new rules for these things. Find out where these ladies (not allowed to say ladies anymore — did you know that!) agree and disagree. You can read the article and follow along here — https://www.thecut.com/article/tipping-rules-etiquette-rules.html.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
M um, oh my god,oh my god, oh my god,
I'm a legend. Um it,but I'm a legend. No for real?
I um bitch, I ah,what do you call that when you're
when you've been to the gym andnow you're fucking entirely excited about life?
(00:22):
Mhmm, you are all like onan endorphin high boom that happy people don't
(00:54):
kill people. Listen. I don'tknow if I'm happy. I just feel
like I've reached some goals. Okay, no, I was I was quoting
Legally Blonde. Oh, clearly thatmovie didn't have you in a chokehold in
the early two thousands the way thatthey did us whites. I've never seen
that movie. What I know,I know it's forever. I've never seen
(01:15):
that. Oh it's so cute.People lose their shit when I'm like,
I ain never seen Star Wars.I don't watch that shit. Oh I've
never seen Star Wars. Harry Potters, I don't care about manidad I saw
one. I just don't have theattention span. I was too old for
Harry Potter. But then I knowthat there's like whole ass adults that love
it, So that's not my excuse. I just wasn't I don't know,
(01:38):
I had other things to do.I was like chasing boys or something.
I also never saw election, solike all of these like what important.
I know, you never saw election, all of these really important Reese Witherspoon
movies. Never seen them. Butanyway, back to my endorphins. I've
(02:02):
already worked out, had a mannypatty. It's it's ten forty, I
know, I know, And thenyou know, i'd just got a little
natural on my nails because now thatI'm a weightlifter, it's like, you
know, that'd be careful. Itdoesn't look chipped up and crazy by the
end of the week, because youknow, I'm in the gym every every
(02:23):
other day. It's like and I'mlike a fountain. All I do is
drink water, eat avocados and turkey, bacon, and like sweat. So
yeah, I mean, I don'tknow if you could be on my level
of fitness, but it's honestly,you're about to surpass me because I again
(02:45):
back to strangers, who are you? I don't know, I don't know.
When we were texting this morning andyou're like, actually, I'm on
my way to the gym, andI was like, wait a minute,
this is my gym time. You'relike, it's I love a five bitch.
What I wanted to talk to youabout today. There's this article going
around about etiquette in twenty twenty threein the Cut magazine. I have been
(03:10):
debating whether or not I'm going tojust pay the money, you know,
so I can get behind the paywall, because every time I open an article
that I want to read, itsays, you don't have any more free
articles. Give us the dollar andwe'll let you read articles for six weeks,
and then the next thing you know, you're giving eighty nine dollars,
and then you know what I'm saying. So I always try not to give
it, and then I send itto a different browser. And then I
(03:31):
pressed the double A in the cornerreader Reader Reader Reader and hope that it
pumps up. Yeah, and Ihaven't been able to get them. And
there were two things on the Cutthat I wanted to read recently. I
wanted to read the thing about Fleischmannand I wanted to read this etiquette thing.
So I got to read both.Did you get to read the etiquette
(03:53):
article? I did get to readit, and as you were saying that,
I thought, let me pull usup so I can reference, because
it was quite a long article andit would just gave me the Hey,
do you want to sign in?So I'm thinking I'm gonna have to open
it some other way so I canread it. Um. Okay. But
(04:13):
when you read it, did you? Was I irrationally angry? Okay?
Great, so it's our arguing time. Cool listen. We haven't had an
arguing time in a minute, andyou know that's our specialty. So we've
been very happy family, I thinksince December. Yeah, something's going on.
Something's got to give. Let's seeshow reader. Let's see if you
(04:35):
let me open it. Um.Okay, it did, let me open
it, but it's not it's justgiving me. It's not like breaking down
their explanations. It's just the boldpoints, which is fine. I'll take
those. Let's see what is it? Um, let's see what is it
(04:59):
called? Just google the cut etiquette? Okay, do you know how to
behave? Are you sure how totext, tip, ghost host and generally
exist in polite society today? Okay, here we go. I have it.
Hey, I'm very very curious whichones you disagreed with okay, um,
(05:23):
so well, the list is quiteextensive, so it was broken down
into categories. Do you have anythat I'm gonna scroll through here? Oh
well, I already disagree with numbertwo. You may callously cancel almost any
plans up until two pm. Youdisagree. Yeah, I think you can
(05:47):
cancel plans up until the time whenyou're supposed to be there and the person's
like where are you and you're like, oh, I'm not coming. Oh
so you're just a demon? Okay, what now? I will only do
like, I will only be thatmuch of an asshole if it's like somebody
(06:10):
that I know will just like forgiveme no matter what, like my sister.
I'm just thinking specifically actually of mysister, who is one hundred percent
an extrovert, loves to go out, loves to be in public, definitely
invited me months ago to come withher to a local restaurant to listen to
her boyfriend play his guitar. AndI was like, yeah, sure maybe,
(06:33):
which is sure, like sure ifI are always a no, but
I was yeah sure maybe, yeahsure maybe is a no even I know
in Midwest uff no, yeah,no, yes, maybe no. All
y'all's different ways to say no.That was a no. But yeah,
(06:54):
I have to say you're wrong here, like, oh, forget your Okay,
First of all, you're seeing itthrough the lens of your sister.
Your sister's always going to forgive you. You can flake on them anytime you
want. You don't even have tocall. She'll just be there and you
just that's what I did. That'sexactly what I did. That's still your
sister. So whatever, what's you'regonna do? Fight me? Um,
(07:16):
But you cannot callously cancel any plansup until two pm. You like,
I had to cancel Hebrew yesterday.It was two o'clock. My Hebrew lesson
is at three thirty. In mystomach was in my butt. I felt
so awful about it. And thisis just a forty five minute Hebrew lesson
(07:36):
and my teacher's cool. So Ithink that you do have to cancel ahead
of time, not the gym.This doesn't apply to orange theory. I
should feel like, what I wantto do there? What's you charge with
me? Money? I can dowhat I want to do. But sometimes
I just like, I feel likewhen I make plans, it feels like
(07:56):
a good idea. And then likeI have to hype myself up all day
to go out, and then likethat's just exhausting in and of itself,
and then you know, I'm goingto give away all of my secrets here.
But I do love a good soI just don't. I don't feel
good. I have a migraine.Oh see, I feel a little sick.
I can't come. I have asolution for that problem. I don't
(08:22):
make plans. I'm being so seriousright now. I'm not even joking.
I literally there's two people in mylife that I make plans in advance.
For one is Jenn Weinberger, becausethat's the type of person she is.
She has her calendar booked through Decembertwenty twenty five. That's just who she
is. And if you want tohang out with Jen Weinberg, you got
(08:45):
to get in the book. Andif you're adding, she might even have
a physical book. If you ain'tin the book, you ain't gonna see
her. And I love her andlovely, so I have just grown accustomed
to her ways, for example,which like to go to dinner. She
says, I'm like sure, I'mthinking like tomorrow, like in a couple
(09:07):
of hours, because I'm spontaneous too. She'll be like, no, April
seventeenth. I'll be like, okay, and I just you know, she'll
remind me when we get closer tothe time. But I established when we
became friends. I don't do plans, I don't text, I don't call.
I like you a lot, sowe're gonna have to figure out how
that's gonna work. And so shedid. But if you have that thing
(09:33):
where you have the plans, it'sone o'clock and the thing is at seven
o'clock, and at two thirty yourstomach starts hurting. Three o'clock, you
don't know what the fuck are yougoing there? Four o'clock, you know
you got in the shower, butnow you're sitting on the edge of your
bed so you can wait in thetowel, like and you're like waiting for
the child to cough. You're likewaiting for somebody to have Diarrhyes, so
(09:54):
that you could have a real reason, because lying is not your forte.
You don't want to lie per se. No. If you have that,
I think that your best bet isjust just not make plans and establish up
top. I am not a planmaker. I can't do it. And
I can't be held to it,and you can't be mad at me,
(10:15):
or if you do want to bemad at me, we are not a
good fit sometimes, though I tryto. I think the way that I
work through it in my head isI go, Okay, you don't like
to go out with people that arelike I literally meet up outside of my
house with like three people. Ifsomebody asks me to go somewhere or do
(10:39):
something, I in that moment thinkyou should go. You don't like to
do this. You only get tolive once. This person might not invite
you out again if you say noagain for the fifth time. And so
I say yes, and then Idread it. And it's not that I
dread seeing that person, and it'snot that I just don't want to go
(11:01):
out. So like, then howdo you socialize? Yeah, everybody likes
to go out. I feel like, yeah, that's a problem. But
the thing about me is I've establishedthat I don't want to go there.
Like one of my closest friends isalways like girl, when the pandemic started,
She's like, so then I'm justnot gonna see you because I gotta
(11:24):
go live my life. I'm like, you know what you're gonna do that.
I'm not even gonna watch your storiesbecause I don't want to see you
live in your life and I don'twant to have to judge that shit.
But yeah, She's like, weall know you, Melissa, did not
need a pandemic to stay in thehouse. You love this and I'm happy
for you. But I think thatyou can also alleviate that problem by because
remember when we first met and Iwas like, you don't have texting relationships
(11:48):
with like a gang of motherfuckers,and you were like, no, I
don't even carry my phone everywhere.And I was like, well, ah,
I have long standing, like entireyear's worth of converse stations with people,
and that's where I hang out inmy head in my phone with you
in your head in your phone.Yeah, so maybe that'll be a way
(12:11):
that you can establish that I'm notphysically leaving my house. I love you.
Let's share memes for ten minutes.Yeah, I mean yeah, Well,
and the people that I do,like my one girlfriend who I loved
early, and I wish, likeback in the day, I could see
her at least once a month becausethe kids were the same age, we
could meet up and go to thezoo, we could go swim, she
(12:33):
could come to mine. I lovethe zoo when the kids were little.
Every when Quinn was a baby,for her first Christmas, my parents,
well I guess it was her secondChristmas because she was born the day before.
So my parents gave us a zoomembership. And so every morning Monday
through Friday, because we had apass, we could get there at the
(12:54):
priority opening, so we'd get thereat nine am. We would make it
from the entrance down to the manateesbefore she would start to lose her shit
and need to go home for anap. And then I would take her
out of the manatee house. She'dbe in that little umbrella stroller and I
would push her up the hill asfast as I could to get it back
out to the parking lot. Itwas my favorite morning of the week,
(13:15):
my favorite time of the week.What's the zoo? Well, we don't
have to argue. We're just goingto agree to disagree because the zoo is
animal cruelty. Okay, yes,I know it's animal cruelty, but also
to go that, but I loveit. So the Cincinnati Zoo is delightful
(13:35):
and I like going there with mychildren. Is it hard to justify it
to me? Girl? You donot have to justify it for me because
the smells you know about my nose, so right, you can't deal with
the smells. I just can't doit, and I don't want to.
And I'm not paying eighteen dollars forthis fucking manatee shaped ice cream cone.
I'm not doing it. I'm notdoing it. I've done it before.
I didn't like it. It wasawful. It is what it is.
(13:56):
Remember, I just survived the aquarium. We don't like it, It's fine,
And you know, I used togo to the aquarium every morning.
Then after Bennett came, ma'am,it was really great because nobody showed up
at that priority opening time that theaquarium had it too, so I could
go in and we basically had theplace to ourselves. And because I had
(14:20):
a membership, I didn't have tofeel sad if we only were there for
an hour, because I'm not payingfor it an hour. Geez mighty.
I originally was upset with Shorty formaking me pay for him to go into
the aquarium, knowing that he didnot go and even be in there,
But then I was like, youknow, what at the end of the
day, I am Shorty's daughter andI just want to be I'm mad because
(14:41):
he just did what he wanted todo and I didn't like. And I
try to justify as like, no, I'm upset because he should be wanting
to spend quality time with his granddaughter'sthat he never gets to see. I
try to make it like that's whatit was. It was really not that
Melissa could not give a shit aboutthat part. You're mad because he's out
there head having a bloody Mary andyou're not. That's what you don't give
(15:03):
a shit. Sheer has not evenlooked up in asswheares Papa, Okay,
back to this list in fact,to rail and get into a whole argument
about our animals. Um U.I did agree with number one. You
don't have to read everyone's books.I think this is also um you don't
have to read everyone's books. However, you must buy everyone's books. So
(15:26):
if you have a lot of friendswho are authors, you must purchase their
book presale in solidarity. You mustpost about the book, you must tweet
about their book, and then youknow, get around to reading their book.
I do believe that you should getaround to reading their book, but
you don't have to read it immediatelyas it comes out. But if you
have friends who are writers, youmust purchase their books. One I agree.
(15:58):
Okay. Number three is literally aboutabout us. We're so far I
was good, I wrote, soI was making notes when I first read
this, and I wrote, oops, guess we have to delete that podcast
called Swiper no Swiping. Well,here's the thing, I don't care.
Why are you going to You can'tlimit my behavior. So number three is,
don't be loudly naive about dating appsif you're in a relationship. Here's
(16:19):
the problem with that. I haveto be loudly naive about dating apps because
I've been in a relationship since theCarter administration. So you guys have an
entire technology system that we never had. We are analog people living in your
digital world. We have questions,and that's okay. I don't want you
(16:41):
to tell me I'm rude. Infact, we just opened in the Slack
channel hip channel. We did,and I and I sorry. We just
opened in the discord yep a relationshipchannel, and I went right in there.
I was like, I will belurking. Thank you, And if
anybody has time to build a PowerPointpresentation on how it is y'all get to
(17:06):
the apps, how it is y'allset up your profile, how it is
y'all get to swiping. I wouldlike to see it and everybody and it
was cool with it. So youknow, when the women that are in
there that are ready to start dating, I want to start sharing that information.
I am ready to be your student, not that I will ever be
in the apps, because you knowwho's fucking tonight, justin Beck. I
(17:27):
am sorry, correct facts all theway. Chris and I were sitting in
the sun room last weekend and Ilooked at him. We were watching something
that sparked me to ask the question, for the five million of time in
the last you know, twenty twoyears, do you think that you could
ever, like get into another relationship? Do you think that you could get
(17:48):
married again? If I died?He was like, no, I hate
everyone except for you. He said, I would be miserable because everybody literally
sucks. And I was like,wow, same, And I know we've
talked about this before, but likethe fact that you're still, you know,
solidly standing on this ground. Ifeverybody sucks, that makes me feel
good even if Chris wasn't sincere,I love that he knows what the right
(18:11):
answers are, but I do believehe's sincere. I do believe that he
would really not move on, andhe would just be a cratchy old man,
crotchety old man. I don't knowwhat he would be doing on that
computer, but he would be acrotchety old man alone, drinking his bourbon
and listening to his records. That'swhat he'd been doing. And he'll always
(18:32):
have your workout videos. So it'sfine. Hey, we can skip a
couple of these because I don't.I don't these don't when shopping with a
friend, don't cut them in therack? What does that mean? Who
shops with a friend? Yeah,I don't have time for this shit.
I gotta go, bitch. I'mgonna be right, honestly, who shops
with a friend? No? Ino. Maybe when I was younger,
(18:55):
definitely, when I was like ateenager, but not as an adult.
That's weird. I don't want tomake you wait for me while I in
a pair of jeans. But alsotoo, I'm going to say that I
don't have matching personal style anybody Iknow. Maybe Lisa, Lisa and I
(19:15):
will be Lisa and I will willUsually we have similar taste, but we're
always in a different zone. Likewhen I'm like playing with you know,
print and color and whatever, She'slike, oh my god, I'm literally
neo on the matrix right now.Get away from me with that. So,
like I could go with her ifI wanted to, but I could
(19:37):
also see me and her being like, why are we doing this when we
could be sitting and eating This isdumb? Oh yeah, it just feels
very stressful. The last time Iwent shopping was a few years ago,
and I think we ended up goinginto like fabletics. It's just like,
you know, and this is myfriend who I do share a similar personal
style too, But even it's it'sstill even felt weird so and like and
(20:00):
also too once the friend says Idon't like that, that makes me like
it more so, Really, whatare we doing here? You know what
I mean? Like, I'm justI just I just be contrary. It
just to be contrary, all right, we can skip that, skip that
skip that it's acceptable to tell anykind of light in order to leave a
(20:25):
drink state. Okay, it doesn'tapply to us. I don't know what
that means. No, Okay,if someone starts telling you a story,
you've heard me, or you havetwo seconds to tell them. Okay.
I have very specific feelings about thisone, Okay, I okay. Well,
the advice here says interject with ohmy gosh, that was hilarious or
(20:47):
truly horrific or unbelievable you've told me. But if you don't say it within
the allotted time, you have tojust listen to them tell the story again.
Okay, any time, every time, every single time somebody tells me
a story that they've already told me, I smile, I emote, I
act like this is the first timeyou've ever told me that story. But
the entire time that you're telling meand I'm listening, I am in my
(21:10):
head going do they realize that theyalready told me this story? I've heard
this two times already, but I'mjust sitting here smiling and going along with
it. Are they testing me?Do they know that I already know this
and they're just testing me to seeif I listen the first time? But
I continue to smile on and belike, Hi, yeah, I can't
believe that happened until the very endevery time. Yeah, and this only
applies to me with I never heardno stories she's ever told, even though
(21:34):
I've heard it twenty times. I'dbe like, girl, I'll tell you
this. Does this sound familiar?Not at all? Go ahead, girl.
You know what's really happening is thisperson is just wanting to share safe
space with you. Just listen.But if a husband already told you,
(21:56):
bitch, I heard that, Tomand adda ready, it really depends on
the storyteller. It depends on thestoryteller. Correct. Yeah, Okay,
this one I didn't understand. Andthen you know, straight people can use
the word partner only when they're tryingto get something out of it. I
don't know what that means. Whycan't I say partner? So I think
(22:18):
that I think what this means hereis that you're trying to like you're trying
to okay, you know how likeBrad and Angelina said they weren't going to
get married until everybody had the rightto get married. I think you're trying
to like align yourself and like notsay husband or wife and say partner because
(22:42):
it's okay. Yeah, I thinkit's like you're trying to like align yourself
or like put yourself into a bucketand be just obscure about about it.
Right. But if you have ahusband, say you have a fucking husband.
Yes, you have a wife,Say you fucking have a wife?
Yes? Um, yes, yes, yes. Number eleven Yes, when
(23:10):
another human is present, don't talkto your animal in the private voice.
You r alone together, you knowwhat? You know? What else do
I'm gonna say, don't talk toyour animal. I wow, okay,
y'all dog motherfuckers, I'm gonna tellyou something. Ye yes, I don't
(23:32):
like that shit at all. I'mlike, what what? That dog ain't
even looking at you? Though halfthe time the dog does not give a
shit what you're doing over there?Human, they don't. Mine does not
cocoa. But Louis, Oh it'sa big Oh can you a big boy?
Oh? That one? That's exactlythe play. That's exactly. I
hate that shit. But I alsodon't have this problem because when I am
(23:57):
the human that is present, theanimal ain't. So um. I do
believe in number twelve, I dotoo. On a date, all individuals
present present should gently and politely competeto pay the entire bill. Um with
(24:17):
Asians, you can remove politely,we do it ad message aggressively. I
kind of bitches and hose if likeme and Marlene the whole time we were
together. Oh you fucking bitch,you paid this? Oh my god,
like so um, okay, it'snever too late to send a condolence note.
(24:40):
Great, that's good to know.Yeah, I agree, because motherfuckers
will have a death and I'll reallysit there and be like, fuck,
I didn't say anything right. Ididn't say anything right then, but I
also didn't know what to say,and so then am I not going to
say anything? And now it's threeyears later? Oh god, over that
time you blast your daddy. Youknow. I like to send my condolences
(25:04):
or flowers or whatever. I liketo wait at least three months after the
event because I feel that in themoment, everybody is flooded with so much
kindness and love, and then oncethe immediate event is over, a lot
of those people tend to drop offand you don't hear from them. And
(25:25):
I've always appreciated that random card ornote that is sent months after it's happened.
So I like to do that becauseI feel like it's just kind of
like a little boost once everything hasdied down, like, hey, I'm
still here thinking about you. Ihope everything's okay. I love that that's
my I don't I mean, Idon't love people in tragedy, but you
know, I mean the random thinkingof you is thoughtful. I like that
(25:49):
number fourteen is a plane lie anedible arrangement? Thank you send an edible
Why wouldn't I want to eat candle? Open the shape of a flower?
That's lovely. I get so excited. I love that. I love the
strawberries on the sticks. I speciallylove them when they're coated in chocolate.
(26:11):
Why would they say, never sendan edible arrangement? Like? Who wrote
this? What does that mean?I think that an edible arrangement. I
think people think that it's corny,but I think that it's amazing. First
of all, it's amazing because haveyou seen the price of sliced fruit?
Asshole? Right? It's not onlyis it amazing because it's expensive and thoughtful,
(26:32):
it's amazing because that fruit has tobe fresh. You ain't get an
in edible arrangement. And then thispineapple's off. It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be so good. Bennett, my mom sent Bennett one when he
was like two or three, andit came in a little SpongeBob container because
he loves SpongeBob. My kids losetheir minds. Anytime one of those shows
up at my house. It's gonein like ten minutes, and it's so
(26:55):
cute. I actually didn't I haven'tthought about an edible arrangement in a long
time. But because I'm an athlete, been eating really healthy and there's a
place that I go for lunch calledenergy Fuel, which actually seems like I'm
going to a gas station to eat, but whatever, And right next door
is an edible arrangement, and I'mthinking, why you need Like you can't
go in and just buy. Whenyou go in and you order it,
(27:15):
it's a very weird store. ButI still think yes to edible arrangement.
Yes, number fifteen doesn't apply tous. Number sixteen doesn't apply to us.
It's okay to ghost after one date. We don't care. It's if
you go someone, stay gone forever. That yes, in general, not
just dating. Don't wait for theright time to break up with someone.
(27:36):
One percent. Dump that motherfucker.Now, if you're a dating adult,
you should own mobe which is alsocrazy. You mean to tell me,
I mean that is really good advice, because everybody needs a nasty bag,
(27:56):
and the nasty bag should be wellequipped. Yeah yeah, but I think
if you're a man, please makesure that you're purchasing lube. Let me
rephrase this, if you are acis hit man, make sure that you're
purchasing a lube that is not kylike, get a nice one, get
some thought into it. And also, I don't want cinnamon. Don't nobody
(28:18):
want to know? Can you makeit regular hypoologenic shit? Please? Um?
Um, If your friend is datingsomeone you seriously object to, you
have one shot, two where didit go? Set your pal down and
(28:40):
say so, um, you knowwhat, I'd be minded my own business.
SAME's You know what, if you'rehappy and it's working out for you,
it doesn't matter what I say.Yeah, it's just going to create
tension between us, so it's notworth it. You know what, when
you love him, I love him, When you hate him, I hate
(29:00):
him, And when you love himback again after you just hated him,
I forgot what we said when wehated him, because I never you're you're
your own person. No, butI'm saying like I always remember. But
when you're back to the motherfucker andyou like him again, I'm gonna go
back and like him again too,even if I don't, because you cannot
make You cannot make someone make movesthat they are not ready to make.
(29:26):
You. I agree with that bendinga whole asshole, but you complaining about
it is not helping her. Sheneeds a safe place to vent. I'm
going to be staked if I haveto see you in person again after after
we just shout all over your name. Well, but you're also going to
know not to. We're not talkingabout it because I've said correct, I've
(29:52):
said a lot with just my face. Oh y'all are back to go?
Okay, wow girl, If you'rehappy, I'm mabby. Yeah, good,
good for you. But yeah,Number twenty. Number twenty is don't
(30:14):
describe TikTok's. It's more boring thandescribing tree. Thank you. That one
is just specifically for Jessin Beck.I'm gonna I'm gonna open he doesn't do
TikTok, but I'm gonna don't describeanything you've seen on the internet. Ever.
I first of all, I've alreadyseen it. This applies to YouTube.
I already seen it. Chris triedto show me something last night.
(30:37):
I said, I've seen it.It's old, two weeks old. But
thank you even when girl, thatwas in two thousand and nine. Okay,
um, welcome to the internet,Jessin Beck, here's so two thousand
and late. Dude. The otherday he was showing me I am delivered
and I was like, sir,He's like, you fucking member this guy?
What do you mean? He's like, he's still on the internet,
(30:59):
and I'm like, I know.He has a whole entire show on the
Zoos network. This is a realperson that exists in the world. Yeah,
don't describe anything. Where are weat? Gift randomly? Yep?
Love that? Yes? Yes,number twenty two twenty two. Yes,
that's my favorite. If you arereal friends, you accommodate the most COVID
(31:22):
careful among you. If you're realfriends, if your family, if you
get a shift, give a shift. If you care about this other person's
comfort, please be considerate, correct, and not just that. I want
you to be enthusiastic about my COVIDprotocols. I don't want to be you
(31:44):
want me to test Okay, No, I want you to be like,
I got my test ready, I'llbe over there too, you know what
I mean. Yes, don't makeme feel bad about the shit I'm doing,
because then you can just not comeover here, because this is all
safe up in here. We don'tbreathe unvaccinated air in here. Okay,
so you know what I mean.I do I mean to be on my
(32:07):
page. Okay. Number twenty three. If you've met someone and they clearly
don't remember your name, say hi, we've met I'm X. I'm so
awkward. I don't do any ofthat. I just stand there and hope
that the name comes to me.Recently, at work, I was introduced,
(32:29):
you know, as you're meeting everybodynew, and I was introduced,
Hey, Amanda, this is X. And I looked at her and I
said, oh, yeah, wemet on Monday, remember, only to
find out that this woman is atwin and she and her twin work,
and on Monday I met her twinand not her, and she was like
the biggest dumbass, No, actually, we've never met, and that happens
(32:52):
to me every day. Thanks.It was really awkward. Yeah I don't.
I just pretend correct like we've nevermet and I'll just introduce myself again.
Girl. It happened to me theother day. Oh my gosh,
hey Melissa, how are you?Haven't seen you in so long? And
I was just like, okay,hi, Oh my goodness, girl.
(33:16):
I just and especially with COVID brainlong COVID. Every time I can't remember
something, it's long COVID, I'mlike, look, I don't I don't
remember. But also I also havetwenty years in the bank of people like
really feeling like they know who Iam. Oh my gosh, hi,
and I just be like, hey, you ain't never met me. You
(33:40):
saw me, that's why you knowme. Never answer a compliment with a
compliment, yes, m because it'sso awkward. I like your shirt,
I like yours. No, Idon't. Why did I just say that.
I just like, yes, it'sso forced. Yeah, just don't
do that. Um, it's okayto ask someone. Yeah. Sorry.
(34:02):
Oh. I was gonna say,if somebody pays you a compliment, do
not say no or oh my gosh, no, I don't think so,
just say thank you. Correct.I've told Quinn I said, if somebody
pays you a compliment, say Iknow, and just leave it at that.
It's okay, accept it, takeit. Yes. I've had to
learn how to take compliments. Andit's hard too, and it's it's a
year's long battle where they'll be like, oh my god, I really like
(34:24):
your heir, Like really, Idon't know, bitch, Thank you,
thank you, thank you. It'sreally easy. Thank you. Hum.
It's okay to ask how to saysomeone's name. Yes, yes, not
only is it okay, it's sothoughtful. Sometimes say it correctly. Yes.
(34:46):
Sometimes I feel bad if I haveto ask a couple of times and
then I'll say it back, andthen if they correct me again, I'm
like, I'm so sorry. Wordsare hard for me. Can I like,
I will do my best to getthis right. And if you can't
get it right, anything more rudeyep. But if you can't get it
right, then we are not ona name basis. Hey girl, Yeah,
(35:10):
sometimes my mouth can't make certain sounds. Um, this is really going
to be hard for me. Numbertwenty six. Listen in an A,
I t A. I am theasshole. I can't let it go and
I can't move on. Number twentysix the word if the word used is
incorrect, I have to be like, that's actually not what that means.
(35:35):
If someone mispronounce correct, if someonemispronounces a word but you knew what they
meant, move along. I'm notmoving along this actually, Justin Beck can't
stand when I do this. Numbertwenty seven, um well, number twenty
six and twenty seven. The properresponse to being told something you already know
(35:58):
isn't I know it's your right?No? No, A man must have
wrote that it's I know, umnot. You're right, m okay,
I mean, I guess if you'retalking to children. But if you're a
grown ass man and you're telling mesomething that I already know, I'm gonna
say, let me stop you rightthere. First of all, not only
(36:20):
do I already know, but I'mthe one that told you, bitch.
So Number twenty eight don't ask peoplehow they got COVID. I don't know.
I want to know. No,I don't have to ask. I
know how you got that shit.You was out there ripping and running.
That's how you got that ship.That's how you got that shit. You
(36:42):
was out there running and running.A matter of fact, I don't know
how you got COVID because we're notkicking it. Because you have COVID or
why they're wearing a mask that Iagree with. Yeah, don't ask me
why I'm wearing a mask. Amatter of fact, if I'm wearing a
mask, you should just assume Ihab it. That's better for me.
(37:06):
M hm, stay away. Umwhere we at number thirty When casually asked
how you are, say good.It's neutral and it doesn't force someone to
endure a trauma dump or a spielon how the world is up in flames.
I think that's true, but Ialso that's conflicting with everything that social
(37:30):
media tells you about telling your truthand gigain. I think it just depends
on who you're talking to. Um. I like to say same old because
that covers a whole bunch of stuff. Oh hoo, hoo hoo. Number
thirty one is my favorite BRPR andcoming. This is my favorite and listen,
(38:00):
this has become a game for me. Number thirty one. Never asked
someone about their nationality? If youwant to know their ethnicity, well before
we even engage with this is peopleneed to understand the difference between nationality and
ethnicity. My favorite thing in theworld, what's your nationality? Oh,
I'm American, bitch? It getsthem every time. No, no,
(38:23):
I mean like, what's your nationality? And I'm like American? I was
a United States No, No,like like what are you? I'm like,
what do you? I don't whatdoes that? What do you mean
a human? I mean it depends. It depends on the vibe. Usually,
you know, if it's another biracial I know what the fuck they
(38:45):
meant. But I am going tobe like, you meant ethnicity. But
okay, but everybody else I liketo fuck with them. It's very fun
for me. Um. But definitelywhoever wrote this list that was that was
(39:05):
a non white person that was like, just don't ask me that shit because
they're sick of it. Yeah,m Accents aren't cute, Yes they are.
Sorry, it's condescending to describe them. Thus Lee, okay, this
is what fine? What does thismean? Accents aren't cute, Like,
if somebody has a Southern accent,you shouldn't be like, oh my god,
(39:29):
I love the way you talk,it's so cute. Yeah you shouldn't.
We shouldn't, but I do.I'm sorry if you roll up on
me with a British accent, Hi, Hello, Yeah, I love talking.
I like a breast accent on ababy, Like what I like Ritish
accent on a baby? What?Um? So fine, that's that's a
(39:52):
rule that we will start applying aroundhere. I understand that it's condescending and
we'll stop. Um if you bringup astrology and it isn't met enthusiastically changed
the topic. I mean, Iguess I did this at work recently too.
Oh gosh, somebody said their birthdayand I was like, oh,
you're a Gemini and I was like, oh, but you don't seem like
(40:13):
a Gemini. Well that's probably becauseyou're a May Gemini, and that Gemini
is gonna be a little bit differentthan a June Gemini. I was like,
wow, I really do feel likeyou resonate with your sign. And
then I started looking around the roomand I was like, man, I'm
gonna shut this conversation down in threedo not care. Um. You know
who talks about astrology enthusiastically and doesnot care if you don't care? Marlene
(40:39):
really Sunrise and no, ma'am,no, ma'am so like now because she
talks to Shelom about it all thetime. So Shalom's like, I know
everything about astrology because Auntie just facetimes me and we talk about it,
and I'm like, Okay, ohcool. Is she into it? Shelom,
Yeah, that's cool. It's greatto talk about the weather, is
(41:04):
it? Is it? Moms andMurder would disagree. They always open up
their show with what the weather's like, and they have like a running joke
about talking about the weather. Ithink, I think if you have nothing
else to say, I feel likeit's that like that easy, like if
you have to make small talk withsomebody, you're like, oh, man,
isn't it crazy? It was sowarm? Mystery, it's gonna be
(41:25):
like, you know, twenty degreestomorrow. I think, yeah. But
I also think that that's an indicationthat we don't have shit to say.
So what if we're talking about theweather and no going on? But yeah,
this one I don't get. Numberthirty five don't address two or more
women as ladies? Why can't Ido that? Yeah? I don't understand
(41:46):
either. What's the quality you haveto do with it? This says it's
oddly creepy when it comes from aman, and in other contexts it reads
as an unnecessary attempt to faign somekind of unity or connection between women.
I don't think so. I thinkit's oddly creepy if a man comes into
a room of like grown as adultwomen and says, girls, now,
(42:07):
you're not going to do that.But I think ladies is fine. First
of all, I have embraced ladies. When I'm that lady over there,
I like that. Okay, I'man old bitch over here. That's correct,
I'm that lady over there. Ilike it. I like lady.
I also say it to my children, ladies, can we get it?
Yes? Please? Yes, Icall the boys gentlemen, sirs. I
(42:31):
would call the ladies too. Ladiesnumber thirty six is wild. I do
this all the time. If youhave a conversation in your news, yeah,
that's why can't I I'm so interested. I'm curious. I want to
(42:52):
know what you do, and thenI want to if it's something that I'm
into now, I want to askyou all the questions about what it's like
to do your job. Um,I actually someone asked me what my job
is. The other day. Iwent to go get my eyelashes put back
on for my birthday, and theeyelash lady. You know, I like
a silent appointment. I don't becopy plus we're masked to mask, we
(43:15):
don't need to be exchanging. Yeah, bodily fluids and spittle and all that.
So I just like a silent appointmentand I zone off in my own
little brain. At the end ofit, she goes, and she doesn't
speak very good English. She says, I'm sorry, can I ask you?
What do you do? And inmy mind I was like, what
(43:37):
does she mean? She said,what's your job? And I was like,
oh, so, I was like, you know, I help out
in the accounting department at the factoryright now, and again she was like
oh, and she looked very confused, and I said what. I was
like, okay, she's looking formore for me. She's and then she
paid a compliment. She goes,because every time you come very stylish,
(44:00):
and I was like, oh,my mind, like, I guess factory
worker doesn't sound very stylish. AndI was like, oh, she wants
to know why I'm like this becauseI come in they're weird crazy Because by
the time I'm going into that appointments, I take the last appointment, which
is probably not smart, but Itake the last appointment, which means I've
already been showered, I've got aversion of my house clothes that can go
(44:21):
outside, you know, because whenI get back, I'm getting back up
on the couch. Yeah. Soshe was just it was a roundabout way
for her to call me stylish,And then I realized saying factory worker is
not the right answer, so thenI changed it to oh, I dabble
in a lot of things. Youknow. She's like, well, I
(44:42):
was like, you know, youknow, I had no answer number thirty.
None cares, No, one cares. Don't tell people they look like
other people? Thank you, don'tdo that. I don't ever have anybody
to connect somebody too. If Isee a child that looks like a parent,
(45:04):
I'll tell you that you look likeyour parent. If you do,
I hate unless you're telling me Ilook like Cassie. Do not tell me
who you think I look like?What do I have? Wildest? What
have you heard before? People?And not that they're offensive, but just
like bro, not all round peoplelook the late. Why the fuck would
you say I look like like I'vegotten Rosie Peress? Where in the fuck
(45:25):
do I look like? How tofuck do I look like Rosie Press?
I've gotten that girl that won PussycatDolls. Rude. I mean, it's
fine, she's cute, but weare not the same. We have a
totally different vibe. I'm round andshe's long, what are we doing?
You know who I'm talking about?Yes, Asian Idolano. Um. Yeah.
(45:49):
People be saying I look like stuffall the time, and usually when
they say something that I don't reallylike. But I'm trying to be cool
and I want to change subject.I'd be like, really, I was
thinking more, John leg was amo. I was thinking more. You know,
I'll just take it to a wholeother fucked up place so that he
can stop talking about this. I'mlike, no, no, but you
(46:09):
know what I mean. No,I don't know what you mean when you
say, yeah, that who's completelynot attractive? But okay you yeah,
you walk a fine line. Idid it once with a friend, Thank
goodness, he's still friends with me, and I told him he looked like
Artie Lang when I first met him, because I thought that they had They
(46:36):
both had like the same like hairand he had a beard, and I
I think Artie Lange is hilarious.I adore him, like pre like you
know where he like lost his noseand shit. But I exactly I was
no, not that one, likehis old face, like his early two
thousand's face. I didn't think thatI was not paying a compliment, but
(47:01):
this person definitely did not take itas a compliment and was just like absolutely
no, how could you. Iwas like, I'm sorry, Yeah,
let's just stop telling people what theythink. Justin Beck does it all the
time, and I can see onthe other person's face that it's met with
just straight, you know, disregard, and I'll be like, wow,
(47:21):
and I love how he starts.How he does it is has anybody ever
told you? And when you cansee their faceball, I'm like, go
on ahead, has anybody ever toldyou? And then switch the subject that
you look like you go to Starbucksa lot, change it to anything because
you can already see they don't likeit. Yeah, that when I definitely
(47:42):
strongly agree with let's see where weat forty doesn't apply. Do not touch
the small of my back to movearound me at the bar if you're ugly.
I mean, god damn, it'shard out there for these people that
aren't. I think forty one iswrong. I think forty one is wrong
(48:04):
too. Never show that you're impressedby anyone. I'm sorry. If I'm
impressed by you, I'm going tolet you know. I'm gonna say,
okay, boots, love it.I love paying a random compliment. I
love when I meet someone and Iknow I'm aware of their work. I'd
be like, bitch, you didthat, I love you. Oh my
god. I think it's so.It says more about you if you act
(48:30):
unimpressed. It says we're impressed bydegrees and professional accomplishments and physical beauty and
fame, none of which is thebasis of lasting human connection. Developing affection
for someone makes you more human.Being impressed by someone makes you less.
If we've just met, I havenot developed affection for you yet, and
I may never because this relationship maynot go anywhere else. But I am
(48:52):
allowed to be impressed by your accomplishmentsand buy your job, and you know,
by your hobbies. Whatever it isthat I think is cool. I
think that's totally fine. Yeah.If I walk up in your house and
this fucking bomb, and then I'mgonna be like, YEA, all wrong
with that? I think there's nothingwrong with that. If you just got
(49:15):
some new hairplugs and they look good, I'm gonna be like, bitch,
you did that. I I thinkit's okay to be impressed by people.
I don't have the explanation for numberforty two, so break it down for
me. I don't know what theymean. Avoid vague and cliche euphemisms for
your privilege, We're comfortable, leaveit in the nineties, be fourth right,
(49:36):
or say nothing. They've already noticed. So um. If I'm trying
to think of a scenario where somebodywould like ask you how if somebody says
this would be so ghosh, butgash ghosh, how do I pronounce it's
a ghost? Right? Gauche ghosh? I think that it's ghost If somebody
(49:59):
says, uh, well, howmuch money do you make a year?
And somebody could say we're comfortable orI grew up very comfortable, or my
parents provided a comfortable childhood, rightlike, you don't have to give those
vague responses. You can either sayyeah, I'm rich, bitch, or
(50:23):
say nothing. Yeah, I wouldrather hear your rich. And if you
are rich, I already know whatI can tell. Or recently, when
I said that I snuck a jointinto my suitcase and just said, who's
going to check a white lady witha joint. I was forthright. I
could have said nothing, so eitheror okay, fine forty three read the
(50:52):
description to me. I don't haveit. Here's a good way to handle
yourself when being introduced to a famousperson. I'm sorry, I'm leaking out.
If I'm sorry, if if,if it's fucking Roddy Rich, I'm
gonna let you know. I fuckyou heavy, I love what you do.
Yes, I'm sorry. I gottaact like I'm not me. No
chill, no chill, friend,This is my boyfriend, Pete. It's
(51:15):
Pete Davidson. You. Oh,of course, so nice to meet you.
It's weird to pretend you don't knowwho they are, and unless you're
a true fan, saying you lovetheir work just feels disingenuous. I'm not
going to lie to you and tellyou I like what you do if I
don't know what it is. ButI am going to be seriously excited if
you are famous and we've met forthe first time one hundred percent, and
then I'm gonna piggyback. Another littlerule here, because at some point everybody
(51:38):
is going to meet somebody who wason a reality TV show. Don't fucking
pretend like you don't know who thefuck the reality TV person is that you
just met. You rude motherfucker.I can tell by the way you're looking
in my motherfucking face and trying tomake me feel uncomfortable with the fact that
you know that I know that youknow. Don't do that to me.
Don't play with me. I feellike, so, like, do you
(52:00):
like think like my girlfriend that wason Project Runway when she told me after
like I had known her for acouple months, she told me that she
was on Project Runway Because I don'twatch the show, I was like,
Oh my god, why did youlead with that? That's so interesting,
let's talk about let's talk all aboutit. Please tell me what was it?
Like? That's so cool? Um. So, even after a couple
(52:22):
of months, after thinking she wasjust a regular lady, I was very
excited to be in the presence ofa celebrity see and that was and she
probably was like, well, whywhy would I lead with that? That's
so crazy. Yeah, she's theright way to see, which is the
right way to be. But Ihate when people find out or when people
(52:42):
already know and they try to belittlethat shit. Yeah, like, what,
Like, what do you get outof that? What do you get
out of you pretending you don't knowwho I am when clearly you know who
I am, because you're gonna goright home. I already know what you
do and google. You're gonna correct, You're gonna google me, and you're
gonna know everything about me. Yeah, don't let me remember the time about
the mom. Yeah, yeah,I whispered, yep. I'm so glad
(53:06):
I got to know you. BeforeI knew you were I was like and
I literally was like, what thefuck does that mean? So strange?
That would have been strange. Youshould have just not said anything. Don't
you say Keep that inside, don'tsay shit, don't say your shit.
Don't be upset that you're in thepresence of an icon helloa out there in
(53:35):
the Imperfect Strangers podcasts. Thank youfor listeners to the show. Thank you
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(53:58):
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We will see you next Friday witha brand new episode. Bye
M um, oh my god,oh my god, oh my god,
I'm a legend. Um it,but I'm a legend. No for real?
I um bitch, I ah,what do you call that when you're
when you've been to the gym andnow you're fucking entirely excited about life?
(00:22):
Mhmm, you are all like onan endorphin high boom that happy people don't
(00:54):
kill people. Listen. I don'tknow if I'm happy. I just feel
like I've reached some goals. Okay, no, I was I was quoting
Legally Blonde. Oh, clearly thatmovie didn't have you in a chokehold in
the early two thousands the way thatthey did us whites. I've never seen
that movie. What I know,I know it's forever. I've never seen
(01:15):
that. Oh it's so cute.People lose their shit when I'm like,
I ain never seen Star Wars.I don't watch that shit. Oh I've
never seen Star Wars. Harry Potters, I don't care about manidad I saw
one. I just don't have theattention span. I was too old for
Harry Potter. But then I knowthat there's like whole ass adults that love
it, So that's not my excuse. I just wasn't I don't know,
(01:38):
I had other things to do.I was like chasing boys or something.
I also never saw election, solike all of these like what important.
I know, you never saw election, all of these really important Reese Witherspoon
movies. Never seen them. Butanyway, back to my endorphins. I've
(02:02):
already worked out, had a mannypatty. It's it's ten forty, I
know, I know, And thenyou know, i'd just got a little
natural on my nails because now thatI'm a weightlifter, it's like, you
know, that'd be careful. Itdoesn't look chipped up and crazy by the
end of the week, because youknow, I'm in the gym every every
(02:23):
other day. It's like and I'mlike a fountain. All I do is
drink water, eat avocados and turkey, bacon, and like sweat. So
yeah, I mean, I don'tknow if you could be on my level
of fitness, but it's honestly,you're about to surpass me because I again
(02:45):
back to strangers, who are you? I don't know, I don't know.
When we were texting this morning andyou're like, actually, I'm on
my way to the gym, andI was like, wait a minute,
this is my gym time. You'relike, it's I love a five bitch.
What I wanted to talk to youabout today. There's this article going
around about etiquette in twenty twenty threein the Cut magazine. I have been
(03:10):
debating whether or not I'm going tojust pay the money, you know,
so I can get behind the paywall, because every time I open an article
that I want to read, itsays, you don't have any more free
articles. Give us the dollar andwe'll let you read articles for six weeks,
and then the next thing you know, you're giving eighty nine dollars,
and then you know what I'm saying. So I always try not to give
it, and then I send itto a different browser. And then I
(03:31):
pressed the double A in the cornerreader Reader Reader Reader and hope that it
pumps up. Yeah, and Ihaven't been able to get them. And
there were two things on the Cutthat I wanted to read recently. I
wanted to read the thing about Fleischmannand I wanted to read this etiquette thing.
So I got to read both.Did you get to read the etiquette
(03:53):
article? I did get to readit, and as you were saying that,
I thought, let me pull usup so I can reference, because
it was quite a long article andit would just gave me the Hey,
do you want to sign in?So I'm thinking I'm gonna have to open
it some other way so I canread it. Um. Okay. But
(04:13):
when you read it, did you? Was I irrationally angry? Okay?
Great, so it's our arguing time. Cool listen. We haven't had an
arguing time in a minute, andyou know that's our specialty. So we've
been very happy family, I thinksince December. Yeah, something's going on.
Something's got to give. Let's seeshow reader. Let's see if you
(04:35):
let me open it. Um.Okay, it did, let me open
it, but it's not it's justgiving me. It's not like breaking down
their explanations. It's just the boldpoints, which is fine. I'll take
those. Let's see what is it? Um, let's see what is it
(04:59):
called? Just google the cut etiquette? Okay, do you know how to
behave? Are you sure how totext, tip, ghost host and generally
exist in polite society today? Okay, here we go. I have it.
Hey, I'm very very curious whichones you disagreed with okay, um,
(05:23):
so well, the list is quiteextensive, so it was broken down
into categories. Do you have anythat I'm gonna scroll through here? Oh
well, I already disagree with numbertwo. You may callously cancel almost any
plans up until two pm. Youdisagree. Yeah, I think you can
(05:47):
cancel plans up until the time whenyou're supposed to be there and the person's
like where are you and you're like, oh, I'm not coming. Oh
so you're just a demon? Okay, what now? I will only do
like, I will only be thatmuch of an asshole if it's like somebody
(06:10):
that I know will just like forgiveme no matter what, like my sister.
I'm just thinking specifically actually of mysister, who is one hundred percent
an extrovert, loves to go out, loves to be in public, definitely
invited me months ago to come withher to a local restaurant to listen to
her boyfriend play his guitar. AndI was like, yeah, sure maybe,
(06:33):
which is sure, like sure ifI are always a no, but
I was yeah sure maybe, yeahsure maybe is a no even I know
in Midwest uff no, yeah,no, yes, maybe no. All
y'all's different ways to say no.That was a no. But yeah,
(06:54):
I have to say you're wrong here, like, oh, forget your Okay,
First of all, you're seeing itthrough the lens of your sister.
Your sister's always going to forgive you. You can flake on them anytime you
want. You don't even have tocall. She'll just be there and you
just that's what I did. That'sexactly what I did. That's still your
sister. So whatever, what's you'regonna do? Fight me? Um,
(07:16):
But you cannot callously cancel any plansup until two pm. You like,
I had to cancel Hebrew yesterday.It was two o'clock. My Hebrew lesson
is at three thirty. In mystomach was in my butt. I felt
so awful about it. And thisis just a forty five minute Hebrew lesson
(07:36):
and my teacher's cool. So Ithink that you do have to cancel ahead
of time, not the gym.This doesn't apply to orange theory. I
should feel like, what I wantto do there? What's you charge with
me? Money? I can dowhat I want to do. But sometimes
I just like, I feel likewhen I make plans, it feels like
(07:56):
a good idea. And then likeI have to hype myself up all day
to go out, and then likethat's just exhausting in and of itself,
and then you know, I'm goingto give away all of my secrets here.
But I do love a good soI just don't. I don't feel
good. I have a migraine.Oh see, I feel a little sick.
I can't come. I have asolution for that problem. I don't
(08:22):
make plans. I'm being so seriousright now. I'm not even joking.
I literally there's two people in mylife that I make plans in advance.
For one is Jenn Weinberger, becausethat's the type of person she is.
She has her calendar booked through Decembertwenty twenty five. That's just who she
is. And if you want tohang out with Jen Weinberg, you got
(08:45):
to get in the book. Andif you're adding, she might even have
a physical book. If you ain'tin the book, you ain't gonna see
her. And I love her andlovely, so I have just grown accustomed
to her ways, for example,which like to go to dinner. She
says, I'm like sure, I'mthinking like tomorrow, like in a couple
(09:07):
of hours, because I'm spontaneous too. She'll be like, no, April
seventeenth. I'll be like, okay, and I just you know, she'll
remind me when we get closer tothe time. But I established when we
became friends. I don't do plans, I don't text, I don't call.
I like you a lot, sowe're gonna have to figure out how
that's gonna work. And so shedid. But if you have that thing
(09:33):
where you have the plans, it'sone o'clock and the thing is at seven
o'clock, and at two thirty yourstomach starts hurting. Three o'clock, you
don't know what the fuck are yougoing there? Four o'clock, you know
you got in the shower, butnow you're sitting on the edge of your
bed so you can wait in thetowel, like and you're like waiting for
the child to cough. You're likewaiting for somebody to have Diarrhyes, so
(09:54):
that you could have a real reason, because lying is not your forte.
You don't want to lie per se. No. If you have that,
I think that your best bet isjust just not make plans and establish up
top. I am not a planmaker. I can't do it. And
I can't be held to it,and you can't be mad at me,
(10:15):
or if you do want to bemad at me, we are not a
good fit sometimes, though I tryto. I think the way that I
work through it in my head isI go, Okay, you don't like
to go out with people that arelike I literally meet up outside of my
house with like three people. Ifsomebody asks me to go somewhere or do
(10:39):
something, I in that moment thinkyou should go. You don't like to
do this. You only get tolive once. This person might not invite
you out again if you say noagain for the fifth time. And so
I say yes, and then Idread it. And it's not that I
dread seeing that person, and it'snot that I just don't want to go
(11:01):
out. So like, then howdo you socialize? Yeah, everybody likes
to go out. I feel like, yeah, that's a problem. But
the thing about me is I've establishedthat I don't want to go there.
Like one of my closest friends isalways like girl, when the pandemic started,
She's like, so then I'm justnot gonna see you because I gotta
(11:24):
go live my life. I'm like, you know what you're gonna do that.
I'm not even gonna watch your storiesbecause I don't want to see you
live in your life and I don'twant to have to judge that shit.
But yeah, She's like, weall know you, Melissa, did not
need a pandemic to stay in thehouse. You love this and I'm happy
for you. But I think thatyou can also alleviate that problem by because
remember when we first met and Iwas like, you don't have texting relationships
(11:48):
with like a gang of motherfuckers,and you were like, no, I
don't even carry my phone everywhere.And I was like, well, ah,
I have long standing, like entireyear's worth of converse stations with people,
and that's where I hang out inmy head in my phone with you
in your head in your phone.Yeah, so maybe that'll be a way
(12:11):
that you can establish that I'm notphysically leaving my house. I love you.
Let's share memes for ten minutes.Yeah, I mean yeah, Well,
and the people that I do,like my one girlfriend who I loved
early, and I wish, likeback in the day, I could see
her at least once a month becausethe kids were the same age, we
could meet up and go to thezoo, we could go swim, she
(12:33):
could come to mine. I lovethe zoo when the kids were little.
Every when Quinn was a baby,for her first Christmas, my parents,
well I guess it was her secondChristmas because she was born the day before.
So my parents gave us a zoomembership. And so every morning Monday
through Friday, because we had apass, we could get there at the
(12:54):
priority opening, so we'd get thereat nine am. We would make it
from the entrance down to the manateesbefore she would start to lose her shit
and need to go home for anap. And then I would take her
out of the manatee house. She'dbe in that little umbrella stroller and I
would push her up the hill asfast as I could to get it back
out to the parking lot. Itwas my favorite morning of the week,
(13:15):
my favorite time of the week.What's the zoo? Well, we don't
have to argue. We're just goingto agree to disagree because the zoo is
animal cruelty. Okay, yes,I know it's animal cruelty, but also
to go that, but I loveit. So the Cincinnati Zoo is delightful
(13:35):
and I like going there with mychildren. Is it hard to justify it
to me? Girl? You donot have to justify it for me because
the smells you know about my nose, so right, you can't deal with
the smells. I just can't doit, and I don't want to.
And I'm not paying eighteen dollars forthis fucking manatee shaped ice cream cone.
I'm not doing it. I'm notdoing it. I've done it before.
I didn't like it. It wasawful. It is what it is.
(13:56):
Remember, I just survived the aquarium. We don't like it, It's fine,
And you know, I used togo to the aquarium every morning.
Then after Bennett came, ma'am,it was really great because nobody showed up
at that priority opening time that theaquarium had it too, so I could
go in and we basically had theplace to ourselves. And because I had
(14:20):
a membership, I didn't have tofeel sad if we only were there for
an hour, because I'm not payingfor it an hour. Geez mighty.
I originally was upset with Shorty formaking me pay for him to go into
the aquarium, knowing that he didnot go and even be in there,
But then I was like, youknow, what at the end of the
day, I am Shorty's daughter andI just want to be I'm mad because
(14:41):
he just did what he wanted todo and I didn't like. And I
try to justify as like, no, I'm upset because he should be wanting
to spend quality time with his granddaughter'sthat he never gets to see. I
try to make it like that's whatit was. It was really not that
Melissa could not give a shit aboutthat part. You're mad because he's out
there head having a bloody Mary andyou're not. That's what you don't give
(15:03):
a shit. Sheer has not evenlooked up in asswheares Papa, Okay,
back to this list in fact,to rail and get into a whole argument
about our animals. Um U.I did agree with number one. You
don't have to read everyone's books.I think this is also um you don't
have to read everyone's books. However, you must buy everyone's books. So
(15:26):
if you have a lot of friendswho are authors, you must purchase their
book presale in solidarity. You mustpost about the book, you must tweet
about their book, and then youknow, get around to reading their book.
I do believe that you should getaround to reading their book, but
you don't have to read it immediatelyas it comes out. But if you
have friends who are writers, youmust purchase their books. One I agree.
(15:58):
Okay. Number three is literally aboutabout us. We're so far I
was good, I wrote, soI was making notes when I first read
this, and I wrote, oops, guess we have to delete that podcast
called Swiper no Swiping. Well,here's the thing, I don't care.
Why are you going to You can'tlimit my behavior. So number three is,
don't be loudly naive about dating appsif you're in a relationship. Here's
(16:19):
the problem with that. I haveto be loudly naive about dating apps because
I've been in a relationship since theCarter administration. So you guys have an
entire technology system that we never had. We are analog people living in your
digital world. We have questions,and that's okay. I don't want you
(16:41):
to tell me I'm rude. Infact, we just opened in the Slack
channel hip channel. We did,and I and I sorry. We just
opened in the discord yep a relationshipchannel, and I went right in there.
I was like, I will belurking. Thank you, And if
anybody has time to build a PowerPointpresentation on how it is y'all get to
(17:06):
the apps, how it is y'allset up your profile, how it is
y'all get to swiping. I wouldlike to see it and everybody and it
was cool with it. So youknow, when the women that are in
there that are ready to start dating, I want to start sharing that information.
I am ready to be your student, not that I will ever be
in the apps, because you knowwho's fucking tonight, justin Beck. I
(17:27):
am sorry, correct facts all theway. Chris and I were sitting in
the sun room last weekend and Ilooked at him. We were watching something
that sparked me to ask the question, for the five million of time in
the last you know, twenty twoyears, do you think that you could
ever, like get into another relationship? Do you think that you could get
(17:48):
married again? If I died?He was like, no, I hate
everyone except for you. He said, I would be miserable because everybody literally
sucks. And I was like,wow, same, And I know we've
talked about this before, but likethe fact that you're still, you know,
solidly standing on this ground. Ifeverybody sucks, that makes me feel
good even if Chris wasn't sincere,I love that he knows what the right
(18:11):
answers are, but I do believehe's sincere. I do believe that he
would really not move on, andhe would just be a cratchy old man,
crotchety old man. I don't knowwhat he would be doing on that
computer, but he would be acrotchety old man alone, drinking his bourbon
and listening to his records. That'swhat he'd been doing. And he'll always
(18:32):
have your workout videos. So it'sfine. Hey, we can skip a
couple of these because I don't.I don't these don't when shopping with a
friend, don't cut them in therack? What does that mean? Who
shops with a friend? Yeah,I don't have time for this shit.
I gotta go, bitch. I'mgonna be right, honestly, who shops
with a friend? No? Ino. Maybe when I was younger,
(18:55):
definitely, when I was like ateenager, but not as an adult.
That's weird. I don't want tomake you wait for me while I in
a pair of jeans. But alsotoo, I'm going to say that I
don't have matching personal style anybody Iknow. Maybe Lisa, Lisa and I
(19:15):
will be Lisa and I will willUsually we have similar taste, but we're
always in a different zone. Likewhen I'm like playing with you know,
print and color and whatever, She'slike, oh my god, I'm literally
neo on the matrix right now.Get away from me with that. So,
like I could go with her ifI wanted to, but I could
(19:37):
also see me and her being like, why are we doing this when we
could be sitting and eating This isdumb? Oh yeah, it just feels
very stressful. The last time Iwent shopping was a few years ago,
and I think we ended up goinginto like fabletics. It's just like,
you know, and this is myfriend who I do share a similar personal
style too, But even it's it'sstill even felt weird so and like and
(20:00):
also too once the friend says Idon't like that, that makes me like
it more so, Really, whatare we doing here? You know what
I mean? Like, I'm justI just I just be contrary. It
just to be contrary, all right, we can skip that, skip that
skip that it's acceptable to tell anykind of light in order to leave a
(20:25):
drink state. Okay, it doesn'tapply to us. I don't know what
that means. No, Okay,if someone starts telling you a story,
you've heard me, or you havetwo seconds to tell them. Okay.
I have very specific feelings about thisone, Okay, I okay. Well,
the advice here says interject with ohmy gosh, that was hilarious or
(20:47):
truly horrific or unbelievable you've told me. But if you don't say it within
the allotted time, you have tojust listen to them tell the story again.
Okay, any time, every time, every single time somebody tells me
a story that they've already told me, I smile, I emote, I
act like this is the first timeyou've ever told me that story. But
the entire time that you're telling meand I'm listening, I am in my
(21:10):
head going do they realize that theyalready told me this story? I've heard
this two times already, but I'mjust sitting here smiling and going along with
it. Are they testing me?Do they know that I already know this
and they're just testing me to seeif I listen the first time? But
I continue to smile on and belike, Hi, yeah, I can't
believe that happened until the very endevery time. Yeah, and this only
applies to me with I never heardno stories she's ever told, even though
(21:34):
I've heard it twenty times. I'dbe like, girl, I'll tell you
this. Does this sound familiar?Not at all? Go ahead, girl.
You know what's really happening is thisperson is just wanting to share safe
space with you. Just listen.But if a husband already told you,
(21:56):
bitch, I heard that, Tomand adda ready, it really depends on
the storyteller. It depends on thestoryteller. Correct. Yeah, Okay,
this one I didn't understand. Andthen you know, straight people can use
the word partner only when they're tryingto get something out of it. I
don't know what that means. Whycan't I say partner? So I think
(22:18):
that I think what this means hereis that you're trying to like you're trying
to okay, you know how likeBrad and Angelina said they weren't going to
get married until everybody had the rightto get married. I think you're trying
to like align yourself and like notsay husband or wife and say partner because
(22:42):
it's okay. Yeah, I thinkit's like you're trying to like align yourself
or like put yourself into a bucketand be just obscure about about it.
Right. But if you have ahusband, say you have a fucking husband.
Yes, you have a wife,Say you fucking have a wife?
Yes? Um, yes, yes, yes. Number eleven Yes, when
(23:10):
another human is present, don't talkto your animal in the private voice.
You r alone together, you knowwhat? You know? What else do
I'm gonna say, don't talk toyour animal. I wow, okay,
y'all dog motherfuckers, I'm gonna tellyou something. Ye yes, I don't
(23:32):
like that shit at all. I'mlike, what what? That dog ain't
even looking at you? Though halfthe time the dog does not give a
shit what you're doing over there?Human, they don't. Mine does not
cocoa. But Louis, Oh it'sa big Oh can you a big boy?
Oh? That one? That's exactlythe play. That's exactly. I
hate that shit. But I alsodon't have this problem because when I am
(23:57):
the human that is present, theanimal ain't. So um. I do
believe in number twelve, I dotoo. On a date, all individuals
present present should gently and politely competeto pay the entire bill. Um with
(24:17):
Asians, you can remove politely,we do it ad message aggressively. I
kind of bitches and hose if likeme and Marlene the whole time we were
together. Oh you fucking bitch,you paid this? Oh my god,
like so um, okay, it'snever too late to send a condolence note.
(24:40):
Great, that's good to know.Yeah, I agree, because motherfuckers
will have a death and I'll reallysit there and be like, fuck,
I didn't say anything right. Ididn't say anything right then, but I
also didn't know what to say,and so then am I not going to
say anything? And now it's threeyears later? Oh god, over that
time you blast your daddy. Youknow. I like to send my condolences
(25:04):
or flowers or whatever. I liketo wait at least three months after the
event because I feel that in themoment, everybody is flooded with so much
kindness and love, and then oncethe immediate event is over, a lot
of those people tend to drop offand you don't hear from them. And
(25:25):
I've always appreciated that random card ornote that is sent months after it's happened.
So I like to do that becauseI feel like it's just kind of
like a little boost once everything hasdied down, like, hey, I'm
still here thinking about you. Ihope everything's okay. I love that that's
my I don't I mean, Idon't love people in tragedy, but you
know, I mean the random thinkingof you is thoughtful. I like that
(25:49):
number fourteen is a plane lie anedible arrangement? Thank you send an edible
Why wouldn't I want to eat candle? Open the shape of a flower?
That's lovely. I get so excited. I love that. I love the
strawberries on the sticks. I speciallylove them when they're coated in chocolate.
(26:11):
Why would they say, never sendan edible arrangement? Like? Who wrote
this? What does that mean?I think that an edible arrangement. I
think people think that it's corny,but I think that it's amazing. First
of all, it's amazing because haveyou seen the price of sliced fruit?
Asshole? Right? It's not onlyis it amazing because it's expensive and thoughtful,
(26:32):
it's amazing because that fruit has tobe fresh. You ain't get an
in edible arrangement. And then thispineapple's off. It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be so good. Bennett, my mom sent Bennett one when he
was like two or three, andit came in a little SpongeBob container because
he loves SpongeBob. My kids losetheir minds. Anytime one of those shows
up at my house. It's gonein like ten minutes, and it's so
(26:55):
cute. I actually didn't I haven'tthought about an edible arrangement in a long
time. But because I'm an athlete, been eating really healthy and there's a
place that I go for lunch calledenergy Fuel, which actually seems like I'm
going to a gas station to eat, but whatever, And right next door
is an edible arrangement, and I'mthinking, why you need Like you can't
go in and just buy. Whenyou go in and you order it,
(27:15):
it's a very weird store. ButI still think yes to edible arrangement.
Yes, number fifteen doesn't apply tous. Number sixteen doesn't apply to us.
It's okay to ghost after one date. We don't care. It's if
you go someone, stay gone forever. That yes, in general, not
just dating. Don't wait for theright time to break up with someone.
(27:36):
One percent. Dump that motherfucker.Now, if you're a dating adult,
you should own mobe which is alsocrazy. You mean to tell me,
I mean that is really good advice, because everybody needs a nasty bag,
(27:56):
and the nasty bag should be wellequipped. Yeah yeah, but I think
if you're a man, please makesure that you're purchasing lube. Let me
rephrase this, if you are acis hit man, make sure that you're
purchasing a lube that is not kylike, get a nice one, get
some thought into it. And also, I don't want cinnamon. Don't nobody
(28:18):
want to know? Can you makeit regular hypoologenic shit? Please? Um?
Um, If your friend is datingsomeone you seriously object to, you
have one shot, two where didit go? Set your pal down and
(28:40):
say so, um, you knowwhat, I'd be minded my own business.
SAME's You know what, if you'rehappy and it's working out for you,
it doesn't matter what I say.Yeah, it's just going to create
tension between us, so it's notworth it. You know what, when
you love him, I love him, When you hate him, I hate
(29:00):
him, And when you love himback again after you just hated him,
I forgot what we said when wehated him, because I never you're you're
your own person. No, butI'm saying like I always remember. But
when you're back to the motherfucker andyou like him again, I'm gonna go
back and like him again too,even if I don't, because you cannot
make You cannot make someone make movesthat they are not ready to make.
(29:26):
You. I agree with that bendinga whole asshole, but you complaining about
it is not helping her. Sheneeds a safe place to vent. I'm
going to be staked if I haveto see you in person again after after
we just shout all over your name. Well, but you're also going to
know not to. We're not talkingabout it because I've said correct, I've
(29:52):
said a lot with just my face. Oh y'all are back to go?
Okay, wow girl, If you'rehappy, I'm mabby. Yeah, good,
good for you. But yeah,Number twenty. Number twenty is don't
(30:14):
describe TikTok's. It's more boring thandescribing tree. Thank you. That one
is just specifically for Jessin Beck.I'm gonna I'm gonna open he doesn't do
TikTok, but I'm gonna don't describeanything you've seen on the internet. Ever.
I first of all, I've alreadyseen it. This applies to YouTube.
I already seen it. Chris triedto show me something last night.
(30:37):
I said, I've seen it.It's old, two weeks old. But
thank you even when girl, thatwas in two thousand and nine. Okay,
um, welcome to the internet,Jessin Beck, here's so two thousand
and late. Dude. The otherday he was showing me I am delivered
and I was like, sir,He's like, you fucking member this guy?
What do you mean? He's like, he's still on the internet,
(30:59):
and I'm like, I know.He has a whole entire show on the
Zoos network. This is a realperson that exists in the world. Yeah,
don't describe anything. Where are weat? Gift randomly? Yep?
Love that? Yes? Yes,number twenty two twenty two. Yes,
that's my favorite. If you arereal friends, you accommodate the most COVID
(31:22):
careful among you. If you're realfriends, if your family, if you
get a shift, give a shift. If you care about this other person's
comfort, please be considerate, correct, and not just that. I want
you to be enthusiastic about my COVIDprotocols. I don't want to be you
(31:44):
want me to test Okay, No, I want you to be like,
I got my test ready, I'llbe over there too, you know what
I mean. Yes, don't makeme feel bad about the shit I'm doing,
because then you can just not comeover here, because this is all
safe up in here. We don'tbreathe unvaccinated air in here. Okay,
so you know what I mean.I do I mean to be on my
(32:07):
page. Okay. Number twenty three. If you've met someone and they clearly
don't remember your name, say hi, we've met I'm X. I'm so
awkward. I don't do any ofthat. I just stand there and hope
that the name comes to me.Recently, at work, I was introduced,
(32:29):
you know, as you're meeting everybodynew, and I was introduced,
Hey, Amanda, this is X. And I looked at her and I
said, oh, yeah, wemet on Monday, remember, only to
find out that this woman is atwin and she and her twin work,
and on Monday I met her twinand not her, and she was like
the biggest dumbass, No, actually, we've never met, and that happens
(32:52):
to me every day. Thanks.It was really awkward. Yeah I don't.
I just pretend correct like we've nevermet and I'll just introduce myself again.
Girl. It happened to me theother day. Oh my gosh,
hey Melissa, how are you?Haven't seen you in so long? And
I was just like, okay,hi, Oh my goodness, girl.
(33:16):
I just and especially with COVID brainlong COVID. Every time I can't remember
something, it's long COVID, I'mlike, look, I don't I don't
remember. But also I also havetwenty years in the bank of people like
really feeling like they know who Iam. Oh my gosh, hi,
and I just be like, hey, you ain't never met me. You
(33:40):
saw me, that's why you knowme. Never answer a compliment with a
compliment, yes, m because it'sso awkward. I like your shirt,
I like yours. No, Idon't. Why did I just say that.
I just like, yes, it'sso forced. Yeah, just don't
do that. Um, it's okayto ask someone. Yeah. Sorry.
(34:02):
Oh. I was gonna say,if somebody pays you a compliment, do
not say no or oh my gosh, no, I don't think so,
just say thank you. Correct.I've told Quinn I said, if somebody
pays you a compliment, say Iknow, and just leave it at that.
It's okay, accept it, takeit. Yes. I've had to
learn how to take compliments. Andit's hard too, and it's it's a
year's long battle where they'll be like, oh my god, I really like
(34:24):
your heir, Like really, Idon't know, bitch, Thank you,
thank you, thank you. It'sreally easy. Thank you. Hum.
It's okay to ask how to saysomeone's name. Yes, yes, not
only is it okay, it's sothoughtful. Sometimes say it correctly. Yes.
(34:46):
Sometimes I feel bad if I haveto ask a couple of times and
then I'll say it back, andthen if they correct me again, I'm
like, I'm so sorry. Wordsare hard for me. Can I like,
I will do my best to getthis right. And if you can't
get it right, anything more rudeyep. But if you can't get it
right, then we are not ona name basis. Hey girl, Yeah,
(35:10):
sometimes my mouth can't make certain sounds. Um, this is really going
to be hard for me. Numbertwenty six. Listen in an A,
I t A. I am theasshole. I can't let it go and
I can't move on. Number twentysix the word if the word used is
incorrect, I have to be like, that's actually not what that means.
(35:35):
If someone mispronounce correct, if someonemispronounces a word but you knew what they
meant, move along. I'm notmoving along this actually, Justin Beck can't
stand when I do this. Numbertwenty seven, um well, number twenty
six and twenty seven. The properresponse to being told something you already know
(35:58):
isn't I know it's your right?No? No, A man must have
wrote that it's I know, umnot. You're right, m okay,
I mean, I guess if you'retalking to children. But if you're a
grown ass man and you're telling mesomething that I already know, I'm gonna
say, let me stop you rightthere. First of all, not only
(36:20):
do I already know, but I'mthe one that told you, bitch.
So Number twenty eight don't ask peoplehow they got COVID. I don't know.
I want to know. No,I don't have to ask. I
know how you got that shit.You was out there ripping and running.
That's how you got that ship.That's how you got that shit. You
(36:42):
was out there running and running.A matter of fact, I don't know
how you got COVID because we're notkicking it. Because you have COVID or
why they're wearing a mask that Iagree with. Yeah, don't ask me
why I'm wearing a mask. Amatter of fact, if I'm wearing a
mask, you should just assume Ihab it. That's better for me.
(37:06):
M hm, stay away. Umwhere we at number thirty When casually asked
how you are, say good.It's neutral and it doesn't force someone to
endure a trauma dump or a spielon how the world is up in flames.
I think that's true, but Ialso that's conflicting with everything that social
(37:30):
media tells you about telling your truthand gigain. I think it just depends
on who you're talking to. Um. I like to say same old because
that covers a whole bunch of stuff. Oh hoo, hoo hoo. Number
thirty one is my favorite BRPR andcoming. This is my favorite and listen,
(38:00):
this has become a game for me. Number thirty one. Never asked
someone about their nationality? If youwant to know their ethnicity, well before
we even engage with this is peopleneed to understand the difference between nationality and
ethnicity. My favorite thing in theworld, what's your nationality? Oh,
I'm American, bitch? It getsthem every time. No, no,
(38:23):
I mean like, what's your nationality? And I'm like American? I was
a United States No, No,like like what are you? I'm like,
what do you? I don't whatdoes that? What do you mean
a human? I mean it depends. It depends on the vibe. Usually,
you know, if it's another biracial I know what the fuck they
(38:45):
meant. But I am going tobe like, you meant ethnicity. But
okay, but everybody else I liketo fuck with them. It's very fun
for me. Um. But definitelywhoever wrote this list that was that was
(39:05):
a non white person that was like, just don't ask me that shit because
they're sick of it. Yeah,m Accents aren't cute, Yes they are.
Sorry, it's condescending to describe them. Thus Lee, okay, this
is what fine? What does thismean? Accents aren't cute, Like,
if somebody has a Southern accent,you shouldn't be like, oh my god,
(39:29):
I love the way you talk,it's so cute. Yeah you shouldn't.
We shouldn't, but I do.I'm sorry if you roll up on
me with a British accent, Hi, Hello, Yeah, I love talking.
I like a breast accent on ababy, Like what I like Ritish
accent on a baby? What?Um? So fine, that's that's a
(39:52):
rule that we will start applying aroundhere. I understand that it's condescending and
we'll stop. Um if you bringup astrology and it isn't met enthusiastically changed
the topic. I mean, Iguess I did this at work recently too.
Oh gosh, somebody said their birthdayand I was like, oh,
you're a Gemini and I was like, oh, but you don't seem like
(40:13):
a Gemini. Well that's probably becauseyou're a May Gemini, and that Gemini
is gonna be a little bit differentthan a June Gemini. I was like,
wow, I really do feel likeyou resonate with your sign. And
then I started looking around the roomand I was like, man, I'm
gonna shut this conversation down in threedo not care. Um. You know
who talks about astrology enthusiastically and doesnot care if you don't care? Marlene
(40:39):
really Sunrise and no, ma'am,no, ma'am so like now because she
talks to Shelom about it all thetime. So Shalom's like, I know
everything about astrology because Auntie just facetimes me and we talk about it,
and I'm like, Okay, ohcool. Is she into it? Shelom,
Yeah, that's cool. It's greatto talk about the weather, is
(41:04):
it? Is it? Moms andMurder would disagree. They always open up
their show with what the weather's like, and they have like a running joke
about talking about the weather. Ithink, I think if you have nothing
else to say, I feel likeit's that like that easy, like if
you have to make small talk withsomebody, you're like, oh, man,
isn't it crazy? It was sowarm? Mystery, it's gonna be
(41:25):
like, you know, twenty degreestomorrow. I think, yeah. But
I also think that that's an indicationthat we don't have shit to say.
So what if we're talking about theweather and no going on? But yeah,
this one I don't get. Numberthirty five don't address two or more
women as ladies? Why can't Ido that? Yeah? I don't understand
(41:46):
either. What's the quality you haveto do with it? This says it's
oddly creepy when it comes from aman, and in other contexts it reads
as an unnecessary attempt to faign somekind of unity or connection between women.
I don't think so. I thinkit's oddly creepy if a man comes into
a room of like grown as adultwomen and says, girls, now,
(42:07):
you're not going to do that.But I think ladies is fine. First
of all, I have embraced ladies. When I'm that lady over there,
I like that. Okay, I'man old bitch over here. That's correct,
I'm that lady over there. Ilike it. I like lady.
I also say it to my children, ladies, can we get it?
Yes? Please? Yes, Icall the boys gentlemen, sirs. I
(42:31):
would call the ladies too. Ladiesnumber thirty six is wild. I do
this all the time. If youhave a conversation in your news, yeah,
that's why can't I I'm so interested. I'm curious. I want to
(42:52):
know what you do, and thenI want to if it's something that I'm
into now, I want to askyou all the questions about what it's like
to do your job. Um,I actually someone asked me what my job
is. The other day. Iwent to go get my eyelashes put back
on for my birthday, and theeyelash lady. You know, I like
a silent appointment. I don't becopy plus we're masked to mask, we
(43:15):
don't need to be exchanging. Yeah, bodily fluids and spittle and all that.
So I just like a silent appointmentand I zone off in my own
little brain. At the end ofit, she goes, and she doesn't
speak very good English. She says, I'm sorry, can I ask you?
What do you do? And inmy mind I was like, what
(43:37):
does she mean? She said,what's your job? And I was like,
oh, so, I was like, you know, I help out
in the accounting department at the factoryright now, and again she was like
oh, and she looked very confused, and I said what. I was
like, okay, she's looking formore for me. She's and then she
paid a compliment. She goes,because every time you come very stylish,
(44:00):
and I was like, oh,my mind, like, I guess factory
worker doesn't sound very stylish. AndI was like, oh, she wants
to know why I'm like this becauseI come in they're weird crazy Because by
the time I'm going into that appointments, I take the last appointment, which
is probably not smart, but Itake the last appointment, which means I've
already been showered, I've got aversion of my house clothes that can go
(44:21):
outside, you know, because whenI get back, I'm getting back up
on the couch. Yeah. Soshe was just it was a roundabout way
for her to call me stylish,And then I realized saying factory worker is
not the right answer, so thenI changed it to oh, I dabble
in a lot of things. Youknow. She's like, well, I
(44:42):
was like, you know, youknow, I had no answer number thirty.
None cares, No, one cares. Don't tell people they look like
other people? Thank you, don'tdo that. I don't ever have anybody
to connect somebody too. If Isee a child that looks like a parent,
(45:04):
I'll tell you that you look likeyour parent. If you do,
I hate unless you're telling me Ilook like Cassie. Do not tell me
who you think I look like?What do I have? Wildest? What
have you heard before? People?And not that they're offensive, but just
like bro, not all round peoplelook the late. Why the fuck would
you say I look like like I'vegotten Rosie Peress? Where in the fuck
(45:25):
do I look like? How tofuck do I look like Rosie Press?
I've gotten that girl that won PussycatDolls. Rude. I mean, it's
fine, she's cute, but weare not the same. We have a
totally different vibe. I'm round andshe's long, what are we doing?
You know who I'm talking about?Yes, Asian Idolano. Um. Yeah.
(45:49):
People be saying I look like stuffall the time, and usually when
they say something that I don't reallylike. But I'm trying to be cool
and I want to change subject.I'd be like, really, I was
thinking more, John leg was amo. I was thinking more. You know,
I'll just take it to a wholeother fucked up place so that he
can stop talking about this. I'mlike, no, no, but you
(46:09):
know what I mean. No,I don't know what you mean when you
say, yeah, that who's completelynot attractive? But okay you yeah,
you walk a fine line. Idid it once with a friend, Thank
goodness, he's still friends with me, and I told him he looked like
Artie Lang when I first met him, because I thought that they had They
(46:36):
both had like the same like hairand he had a beard, and I
I think Artie Lange is hilarious.I adore him, like pre like you
know where he like lost his noseand shit. But I exactly I was
no, not that one, likehis old face, like his early two
thousand's face. I didn't think thatI was not paying a compliment, but
(47:01):
this person definitely did not take itas a compliment and was just like absolutely
no, how could you. Iwas like, I'm sorry, Yeah,
let's just stop telling people what theythink. Justin Beck does it all the
time, and I can see onthe other person's face that it's met with
just straight, you know, disregard, and I'll be like, wow,
(47:21):
and I love how he starts.How he does it is has anybody ever
told you? And when you cansee their faceball, I'm like, go
on ahead, has anybody ever toldyou? And then switch the subject that
you look like you go to Starbucksa lot, change it to anything because
you can already see they don't likeit. Yeah, that when I definitely
(47:42):
strongly agree with let's see where weat forty doesn't apply. Do not touch
the small of my back to movearound me at the bar if you're ugly.
I mean, god damn, it'shard out there for these people that
aren't. I think forty one iswrong. I think forty one is wrong
(48:04):
too. Never show that you're impressedby anyone. I'm sorry. If I'm
impressed by you, I'm going tolet you know. I'm gonna say,
okay, boots, love it.I love paying a random compliment. I
love when I meet someone and Iknow I'm aware of their work. I'd
be like, bitch, you didthat, I love you. Oh my
god. I think it's so.It says more about you if you act
(48:30):
unimpressed. It says we're impressed bydegrees and professional accomplishments and physical beauty and
fame, none of which is thebasis of lasting human connection. Developing affection
for someone makes you more human.Being impressed by someone makes you less.
If we've just met, I havenot developed affection for you yet, and
I may never because this relationship maynot go anywhere else. But I am
(48:52):
allowed to be impressed by your accomplishmentsand buy your job, and you know,
by your hobbies. Whatever it isthat I think is cool. I
think that's totally fine. Yeah.If I walk up in your house and
this fucking bomb, and then I'mgonna be like, YEA, all wrong
with that? I think there's nothingwrong with that. If you just got
(49:15):
some new hairplugs and they look good, I'm gonna be like, bitch,
you did that. I I thinkit's okay to be impressed by people.
I don't have the explanation for numberforty two, so break it down for
me. I don't know what theymean. Avoid vague and cliche euphemisms for
your privilege, We're comfortable, leaveit in the nineties, be fourth right,
(49:36):
or say nothing. They've already noticed. So um. If I'm trying
to think of a scenario where somebodywould like ask you how if somebody says
this would be so ghosh, butgash ghosh, how do I pronounce it's
a ghost? Right? Gauche ghosh? I think that it's ghost If somebody
(49:59):
says, uh, well, howmuch money do you make a year?
And somebody could say we're comfortable orI grew up very comfortable, or my
parents provided a comfortable childhood, rightlike, you don't have to give those
vague responses. You can either sayyeah, I'm rich, bitch, or
(50:23):
say nothing. Yeah, I wouldrather hear your rich. And if you
are rich, I already know whatI can tell. Or recently, when
I said that I snuck a jointinto my suitcase and just said, who's
going to check a white lady witha joint. I was forthright. I
could have said nothing, so eitheror okay, fine forty three read the
(50:52):
description to me. I don't haveit. Here's a good way to handle
yourself when being introduced to a famousperson. I'm sorry, I'm leaking out.
If I'm sorry, if if,if it's fucking Roddy Rich, I'm
gonna let you know. I fuckyou heavy, I love what you do.
Yes, I'm sorry. I gottaact like I'm not me. No
chill, no chill, friend,This is my boyfriend, Pete. It's
(51:15):
Pete Davidson. You. Oh,of course, so nice to meet you.
It's weird to pretend you don't knowwho they are, and unless you're
a true fan, saying you lovetheir work just feels disingenuous. I'm not
going to lie to you and tellyou I like what you do if I
don't know what it is. ButI am going to be seriously excited if
you are famous and we've met forthe first time one hundred percent, and
then I'm gonna piggyback. Another littlerule here, because at some point everybody
(51:38):
is going to meet somebody who wason a reality TV show. Don't fucking
pretend like you don't know who thefuck the reality TV person is that you
just met. You rude motherfucker.I can tell by the way you're looking
in my motherfucking face and trying tomake me feel uncomfortable with the fact that
you know that I know that youknow. Don't do that to me.
Don't play with me. I feellike, so, like, do you
(52:00):
like think like my girlfriend that wason Project Runway when she told me after
like I had known her for acouple months, she told me that she
was on Project Runway Because I don'twatch the show, I was like,
Oh my god, why did youlead with that? That's so interesting,
let's talk about let's talk all aboutit. Please tell me what was it?
Like? That's so cool? Um. So, even after a couple
(52:22):
of months, after thinking she wasjust a regular lady, I was very
excited to be in the presence ofa celebrity see and that was and she
probably was like, well, whywhy would I lead with that? That's
so crazy. Yeah, she's theright way to see, which is the
right way to be. But Ihate when people find out or when people
(52:42):
already know and they try to belittlethat shit. Yeah, like, what,
Like, what do you get outof that? What do you get
out of you pretending you don't knowwho I am when clearly you know who
I am, because you're gonna goright home. I already know what you
do and google. You're gonna correct, You're gonna google me, and you're
gonna know everything about me. Yeah, don't let me remember the time about
the mom. Yeah, yeah,I whispered, yep. I'm so glad
(53:06):
I got to know you. BeforeI knew you were I was like and
I literally was like, what thefuck does that mean? So strange?
That would have been strange. Youshould have just not said anything. Don't
you say Keep that inside, don'tsay shit, don't say your shit.
Don't be upset that you're in thepresence of an icon helloa out there in
(53:35):
the Imperfect Strangers podcasts. Thank youfor listeners to the show. Thank you
for your sport. You want moreImperfect Strangers in your life. Make sure
that you are subscribing to the showwherever you listen to podcasts except for Spotify.
We're sorry about that, but wejust did not like being over there
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(53:58):
listen to the show, and youcan find links to those from our website
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