March 26, 2023 • 57 mins
Shabbat Shalom! This episode is out of control. The friendship has reached a dangerous level of familiarity. We’re talking imaginary prison barbers, shitty legs, suppositories. And half of that is just Melissa telling Amanda about very awkward times where she was recognized from that reality show. Then! Be prepared to feel seen, foggy-headed people out there! The ADHD IS ADHD’ing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
We did it, Joe, whatnod? We did it? Joe,
Oh we didn't. No, wedidn't, because I won't believe it until
I see it. I won't believeit until I see it, because they've
been saying this for years. Heshould have been under the jail twenty five
thirty years ago, and I'll believeit when I see it. I really,
(00:44):
for the most part, I stoppedfollowing most any politics involving dead Man
just because it stole so much fromme during those years reservation. Yeah,
I had to just stop looking atit. I had to stop caring about
it the way that I cared aboutit, and had to just hope that
(01:04):
the um the wheels of justice turningever so slowly, would come around.
And so when I read it thatit was going to be coming possibly this
Tuesday, yeah, I kept scrollingbecause I was like, oh, because
you know they always say that breakingnews such and such sitch and such says
(01:27):
that you all been saying that we'veliterally watched crimes unfold before our very On
January sixth, I watched him insight a mob and nothing happened. So
I was like, yeah, I'mpining, sure, But then when he
himself announced it to try to getahead of it m and then to also
(01:49):
call in the same exact way thathe called for the riot in January sixth.
I was like, oh, he'she's tripping. He's trying to get
ahead of this. Because he's tripping. He wants to create a spectacle so
(02:09):
that we don't see the purp Walk. Yep, and I want the purp
Walk. I cannot wait if ithappens. Give me some popcorn. I'm
so excited. We want the purpWalk. I need, I deserve.
I am observe it. I amowed the purp Walk, okay um.
(02:34):
But I'm also like, is thereanyone left? Is there? Like?
Is there anyone openly stupidly, embarrassinglymaga left that will go okay, well,
well we'll answer the call and gostand on the bar logo and get
shot up? Like is there someonereally that stupid? Still I haven't followed.
Oh uh, I haven't followed,but I can guarantee it because I
(02:58):
did. I got nervous when Iread was it a tweet or so?
Whatever he posted came across my timelinesomewhere and I thought, oh my god,
there are people that are out there, and they're going to find a
way to blame Joe Biden for this. They're gonna blame Joe Biden. They're
gonna blame Joe Biden's son who doesdrugs. They're gonna blame Kamala Harris is
(03:23):
gonna be in it. Hillary willfind a way to get into it.
There are people they're they're gonna thinkthat this is some kind of strange injustice
and some kind of like you know, deep state conspiracy to keep him from
running in the next election. Andit's like, no, guys, he's
actually a criminal. He's a badperson, which you should have known by
(03:46):
grab him by the pussy, butyou didn't. So many red flags,
so many red flags this entire time. But I'm just like, are they
really going to do that? Though? Are there any left arrest him or
ride for him? Oh? Arethere any left? I mean for DeSantis
(04:13):
now? And like, aren't theyalso? That's off. I think that
there's um. I think that thereare some that have transitioned over to the
dark side of DeSantis, but I'msure that there are still just as many
going hard for Donald Trump, whichthe Strong Family will never be going back
(04:34):
to Florida ever. Again with allof the crazy shit that's happening. Like
if I thought last year was badand Chris was like, absolutely, we're
not putting our money into that state, like it was nice knowing you Florida.
I've gone only gone a select fewtimes for very specific reasons. Um,
(04:56):
yeah, I agree, and Ifeel that, but you know,
I just have a feeling Tuesday isgoing to come and go and ain't ship
gonna haven. We ain't seeing noperp walk. I mean, if we
if we were able to find AlexMurdoch guilty, given his money and power
(05:21):
in Hampton County, South Carolina,given his history, we have to we
have to. There has to besome sliver of justice. Well, I
mean you have to if we takehim down. I need the sons,
I need all of them. Yeah, the whole family, Jared, Ann
(05:43):
and Ivanka LL. I know,Baron done some shit too, Get him
out of here. I want himout of here. Melania too, Fuck
you bitch. Malania is counting downthe same way we're counting down. But
you ain't on our side. You'renot gonna skip by on this. We're
not. And that's what's gonna happen, you know, motherfucker's be having a
(06:04):
very short memory. M Oh,what she's been through, the long suffering
wife. She must be so relieved. Now fuck her. She was in
it too. She was the samemotherfucker. She's the same anti immigrant,
the same anti black ass bit.She gotta go to hmm, the whole
family. Lock him up, wholefamily, Lock him up. I want
(06:25):
to see what her face looks like, but she don't have her treatments.
Give it to me. I wantto fucking exclusive interview. I want to
see Donald Trump without self tanner andwithout the access to the hair. Oh
girl, that within the first weekhe's going to have right above the ear,
one long, one long corn row, a very thin, sad,
(06:46):
fragile corn row, because he's gonnabe hanging onto that little hair that he
uses to fold over the top.He's gonna just have one real and you
know, he's gonna have a personthat does his little bread. And ten
years from now, we're going havea fucking jailhouse interview with fucking Trevante or
wherever the fuck his name is,and he's gonna be like, listen,
(07:08):
man, I don't fuck with him. I didn't fuck with him, but
I found him to be a niceguy in the jail. He needed a
barber. I got that certain touch. So, you know, Don and
I talked about a lot of thingsover the course of our time to get
on and you know, we settledon this particular protective hairstyle because he knew
(07:30):
that he was coming out, andwhen he came out, he wanted to
be able to, you know,get back to himself. Everybody deserves,
you know, everybody in here deserves, you know, to feel good about
themselves. I know that out thereit's hard for you people to understand that
we're criminals, and you know,you feel like the society should just throw
us away. But you know,Don deserved to feel good about himself.
So I you know, I didthis little corn row every week, and
(08:00):
I would like I would like theinsider details documentary of Milannia being in the
women's unit, because I've watched alot of those, like um women in
lock up. I've watched the onesof like the Teen Girls and Juvenile Detention,
like it gets they're rough, andso I would really love to to
(08:24):
just get that insider experience of whatit is like for Milannia Trump in the
women's unit because you know she's notlasting long. They are going to They're
gonna like cut her hair off inher sleep. They're gonna eat her ass
up, you squitty eyed bit.Literally, they're gonna eat her ass up.
(08:46):
Or will be surprised, or willbe surprised, you know what I'm
saying. Milannia might have motherfucking tat'son her face. We don't know,
We do not know what is possiblebehind those walls. Um, I've watched,
I've watched all those two. What'sthe one that I watched and it's
um, there was a girl inthere. Ah, she had a tad
(09:11):
two hundred face, she had reallydeep dimples. She she hung out with
another girl who was making the hoochoh like no toilet one, Yes,
they were talking through the toilet.Well, there's there's a couple. So
the one that like immediately springs tomind is where the people go undercover and
(09:33):
they have to last like what sixtydays and they report back to sixty days
in boom. I like, yeah, but this was a love that one.
Yeah, there's another one. Um, it's like just girls. I
can't remember, Yeah, just girls. It's like the Secret life of blahyh
(09:54):
blah, I don't know, butit was really like, first of all,
I'm like, how have we asa society go let's make a reality
show of the people in the jail. And then you approach the people in
the jail who can't possibly be gettingpaid for this. I go, yeah,
(10:18):
I want to show what life isliking here, and you go,
okay, what they've got there's gotto be some kind I mean, they've
got to be putting money in theircommissary, right, is that leak?
Can you do that? No?They're agreeing to be part of a documentary,
and part of that documentary is torelinquish your rights as a fucking person.
You want to share your story.It's all evil all around, and
(10:41):
here I am watching them motherfucker jailprisoning these women. It seems very scary.
I mean, can you imagine gettingout and being like, wait a
second, I saw you on LockedUp? Is that you You're in the
middle of spin class, go highschool together. I got a text from
(11:05):
a girlfriend who was like, thanksBe and Murray as well. They were
smashing my boob down in a routinemammogram. They're like, are you what?
Yeah? Not during Yeah, butI was like, at least it
wasn't a PAPS mirror, because I'vegotten it during a PHAPS Marry, let
me say something m hm like inthe middle of the speculum and the little
(11:28):
dude pie cleaner during the PAPS mirror, you know, when a little the
lady comes in and she's the papertowel goes down and she sets up all
the stuff that the real doctor isgoing to need to come in and do.
She's setting it up, but sheturned around and was like, huh,
I feel like I asked like,yeah, yeah, yea, yeah,
yeah, I know, yeah,I know you're not laying out the
(11:48):
pussy tools and are about to askme. But I've also had it after
I've given birth and the ladies pushingon my thing and I'm feeling the warm
blood rush out of my vagina ontothe wee wee. I thought I knew
you from somewhere, and I'm like, wasn't my fussy lips though? Is
that what it was? Because everybody'sseen those two, I guess I don't.
(12:09):
And that's not add this to thecut etiquette. Don't ask a reality
person where you know them from doingany kind of intimate medical procedure if I
got my booty in the air,or if I'm dripping duty water from a
fucking anima or colon colon ascapy orwhatever the fuck. Don't that's not where
(12:31):
you know me from that all.You don't know me at all. Again,
you don't know me when I'm checkingout either. Keep it to yourself.
Just keep it to yourself. Yeah, just do the Google after after
you leave, do the quick Google, and then have that moment where you're
like I knew it, and thenyou like text your best friend or I
think that's the only way because youdon't violated my hippop. Please, don't
(12:54):
you shouldn't know that about me ifI'm fucking I think I had that before
too. I wrote about it ina journal entry called shitty legs. Um,
not shitty legs. No, Ijust kept having like, um,
(13:18):
you know, like when the utigets really bad and it's it's bordering on
sepsis and you're gonna die. Yeah. So they thought maybe something was wrong
with my kidney, Like something's wrongwith like my kidney had a fucking laceration
to it. Something was wrong becausethere was an infection going on, and
like I just could not clear thisinfection and it wasn't a UTI because you
know, I wasn't Like UTIs makeme feel I feel a way about that
(13:41):
shit. I know that they're naturaland the normal, but like that makes
me feel like you are accusing meof the booty going into the pusty,
the posty, back to the booty, booty, back to posty. And
you know what I'm saying. Ifeel a way about that because I feel
it's real accusatory and I didn't dothat. Um So, anyway, I
(14:03):
had to get one of those.Uh, this show has got to stop.
We've got to put an end tothis show. Between the crying to
me talking about medical procedures, it'stoo much. There's a familiarity that we
should not reach. We're there becauseI think last weekend and track of audio
(14:30):
that got cut we did. Iliterally stopped and was like, hold on,
after you told a story, Isaid, hold on, what's the
name of this depository? Though?Um so, like the guys that end
up on the cutting room floor arehorrible. Yeah, I thought, oh,
I took that a tad too far, and then I was like,
no, you know what, actuallythis is just um part of the course.
(14:54):
I think at this point. Yeah, but like I think that I
do believe that, um, tellingwomen about pregnancy induced hemorrhoids that don't go
away is important. It is somethingthat we don't talk often about. You
know, all the times that yousee celebrities be like, no one was
talking about breastfeeding, No one wastalking about postpartum. No, no,
(15:16):
no, we've all been talking aboutit. You just got here, We've
all been talking about it. Butone thing that is true is no one
talks about hemorrhoids. That is true. We could corr that, mord one.
No one, No one talks aboutit, and it's such a I
feel like it's such a dirty littlesecret. And it doesn't have to be
(15:37):
dirty though, because I like theextra big tux medicated wipes. UM.
I also like that anyway, Reallyno one does talk about that. But
yeah, we have thotten a bittoo far. But they checked out my
liver, not my liver, mykidney, your kids, see if it
(16:00):
was something wrong with it bifurcated.I don't know what the fuck they were
looking for. And you have tofast, I think, m hm.
And then is this the one whereyou gotta drink something or that's a different
one. I don't know. Idon't even know what you're talking about.
I've never had this happen before.You could tell me. How are they
(16:22):
got to take a picture of theinside of you? But they blow up
a balloon inside your booty. Huh, it's a procedure. They blow up
a balloon inside your booty. Theyfeel that, they fill it up,
and you hold it home. Thatsounds uncomfortable until the pressure is really really
bad, and then you can letit go and I think literal doodoo water
comes out. But the tes thathas to be there just right, otherwise
(16:47):
if they release the bloody blot toosoon or rather, it's gonna be dood
to water down your legs. Andthat happened to me. It's like,
really day a job. Wait aminute, how are you? Are you
lying down? Yeah? I'm imaginingon your side. Okay, you're laying
(17:08):
on your side, and then yougo into this big, gigantic spaceship and
it goes all around you, right, and it's like a whirring sound whatever,
and you're holding holding holding, They'relike holding you got it, hold
it, hold it, hold tohold to hold to hold it. And
then when you're finally done. They'resupposed to release this thing on your side
again, and you know, youfeel comforted, but like they're not supposed
(17:29):
to take the thing out of yourbutt hole until it's fully drained, and
I guess it wasn't. And sothen doodoo water was on my legs,
my lax and so I'm in thebackwards bathroom and it's dood water on my
legs. I'm like, I gottaget to the bathroom. So now I'm
giving myself a little mini bath insideof the sink at the hospital because I
have doodo legs. It was crazythey didn't clean They should have cleaned you
(17:53):
up before you even got off thattable their I tiptoed with my shitty legs
to the bathroom. He gave myselfa little mini back and like, I
don't think I came out of thehouse for like a week after that.
I was like this was mortifying.Anyway, I got recognized from the world
during that mother bugger. That wasthe point of this whole story. It
is just the gift that keeps ongiving. It just never stops. And
(18:17):
so like, so, wait,what was wrong with your kidneys? Nothing?
They found nothing wrong. So Iwent through that whole procedure for nothing.
I don't know, they found nothingwrong, But the point is,
I'm very um nervous about you know, at some point, one day it's
going to be my shit that's onNetflix, and we're gonna have to deal
(18:38):
with all of that all over again. I was like, man, I
feel so I feel sorry for you. I'm so sorry. She's like,
yeah, whatever, it is,what it is. But like, if
i'd have known then what I knownow, would I, you know,
do that math differently in my head? Like nobody told twenty year old me
(19:00):
one day you're going to be fiftyyears old getting a medical procedure and someone's
going to ask you if you werethat twenty year old asshole with dollar bills
on your titties, someone's going todo it with their hand up there your
butthole, it's gonna suck. Wouldthat have made me go, yeah,
let me not get this five thousand. I don't know that was I don't,
(19:22):
I don't. I don't think therewas any way that you could have
predicted that because at the time socialmedia didn't exist. The Internet was still
in its infancy. So I thinkthere's absolutely no way you could have forecasted
that that was even a possibility,because it literally wasn't a thing. I
(19:42):
mean, I don't think that wereally understood the reach, you know,
and I don't think that we reallysat down. I didn't. I didn't
use my imagination enough to go,wait a second, this is going to
creep into every part, every mundanepart of casual, everyday life. I
(20:04):
did not think about that. Andthen I also did not think about the
money. I thought five thousand dollarswas a lot of money, like a
whole ass, dumbass. The crazierpart is Shorty and Mercy also thought five
thousand dollars was a lot of money. I didn't have any counsel, but
(20:25):
it's like, what but that,I mean, that was a lot of
money. It is a lot ofmoney. Was a lot of money.
Yeah, but it's a lot ofmoney for an hour of your life.
It's not a lot of money forthirty years. We're laughing now, and
(20:48):
shit, we're gonna hang up andit's gonna be one tear drop left eye,
go Megan, Um, I amdelirious. Um. You know,
like that thing where you start talkingabout real painful shit and shit's just getting
real funny, like we sound rightnow like we just did a bunch of
(21:11):
whippings, but we're going through someshit. I know, I know,
I am one thing that people maynot know. Yeah, they definitely won't
know, but I'm gonna tell youright now all of the nervous laughter that
I had to cut out from lastweek's episode because listening back to it,
I thought, I sound like awhole crazy person talking about my dog dying.
(21:33):
But this is how I cope,and it's uh because on the other
side of it, like I lookedat Chris on Thursday and he was talking
about something and he's been having somehard times, and I struggled, Like
I feel like in a relationship,there's only room for one of you to
(21:53):
be struggling, and I have beenstruggling for the last I've definitely taken up
my time on the struggle bus.And so when he was having his time
this week, I was like,I can't. I can't deal with like
your big feelings and my feelings.I because I jump right down into the
(22:18):
volcano with him, and so nowI'm I am feeling what he's feeling on
top of everything else that I'm feeling, and I looked at him on Thursday
and I was like, my brainis broken, and I said, sometimes
I don't. I don't know howI can deal with this level of anxiety
for the rest of my life becauseit makes me feel really tired. And
(22:41):
as always, his first question was, did you take your medication? I
said, yes, I've taken mymedication. I'm trying all the tricks.
I'm doing all the things. Igotta call the therapist. I gotta get
back on her schedule, but sometimesit just feels like so overwhelming. And
then he was like, I'm gonnaneed you to take Saturday and just do
(23:02):
what you want to do on Saturdayall day because you need some like dopamine
hits real quick, real quick.Because you're sounding really dark right now.
I mean, what a great husband. Yeah, what a great husband.
(23:22):
But I feel I feel bad Andthen what a terrible wife. Oh,
now you're going to be sad.I can't do it with you. No,
it makes me It's not that Ican't do it with you, It
just it makes me worried because thenmy anxiety starts to spiral into Okay,
well whares his head. He's he'syou know, he's struggling with something right
(23:42):
now. I don't know how tohelp him. I don't know what the
solution is. I don't think thatI can do anything, and so it's
that feeling. It's the feeling ofhelplessness. I can't do anything to make
this better for him. So nowI'm just gonna worry. Yep, but
he's going to spiral out of control. And when both are down, Oh,
(24:07):
that's where like random yelling starts.It's not the house is gross.
That's why I like, you knowwhat you are right? There is only
really one room for one person tohave big feelings, and that one person
is me. So y'all gotta figureit out. At Shira, seven year
(24:34):
old, don't come in here withthat ship. My kids were fighting on
Thursday night and I was just spiralingand they were, you know, they
were doing that pickering that children doand I and I just looked at him
and I was like, my anxietyis so all right now, I can't
do it. That's doubt. Andthey both stopped and turned around and looked
(24:55):
at me. You guys got tofigure it out, please separate. I
can't do this with you right now. And then I would love this oh
god, do you do the kindof screaming that white ladies do wear,
like your whole hair moves? Yees, oh, the floor shakes I have.
I take that wide stance and bendmy knees and like just comes from
(25:18):
the bottom of my pelvic floor rightout of my mouth. Yes, really,
that's the kind of screaming. Yes, oh my god. Mine is
a more casual, Like I turnon a dime and it's out of a
door, you know what I mean. Like I'm already locked up in my
own little cage because I mean,I know me, So I'll isolate myself
(25:41):
and then I'll just peek my headout. It's real calm and slow and
quiet, and then there's a loudsound following, which is the door shutting.
And then if I hear more peepingusually after and you know what,
when I do that, everybody laughsfirst all here, Jess, and then
(26:02):
I'll hear shalon. No, I'llhave no respect in here, to be
real with you, they do notcare. When I start to lose it.
They'll be like, oh God,here's your cons Wow. No,
I'm mine. I hold it in, hold it and hold it and hold
it and hold it in and thenI just unleash. It's not a healthy
(26:23):
way to function. Um, ButI have to say, because I go
to the gym now I it's donewondrous for my just general mood. Oh
yeah, I'll literally stop and youknow, smell the rose and blow out
(26:47):
the candle. Let me just smellthe rose and blow out the candle before
I fuck y'all up. I oftenthink back to I used to love watching
Caesar Milan and him training these reallyterrible dogs. I often applying it to
children. I apply it to myself. I often feel like if I have
(27:14):
not been exercised appropriately, then thatis when all of my anxiety just bubbles
up and gets worse. And nowthat I'm thinking about it, I have
not been exercising in the way thatI am used to over these last two
weeks because I was like, maybeif my body could use a rest.
But I do find like since I'vebeen doing yoga I've been trying to go
(27:37):
to maybe three times a week,that it is so good for me in
the moment that I wish that Icould find a way to recreate that in
my everyday life because the only thingthat I can focus on and think about
is not dying in that moment,and everything else just melts away. I
(27:59):
need to find a way to dothat consistently, like in the quiet moments,
because if I'm distracted and I'm busy, I'm okay, it's the minute
worth think I don't have anything todo or focus on that, that hamster
will just starts going. M I'mtelling you, I'm I'm embarrassed that it
(28:21):
took me this long to get here. On the fucking exercise is great for
your mental health because you hear itevery day. People say it every day.
You should do that, you shoulddo that, you should do that.
And I'm one of those people whereyou should do that, you should
do that, you should do that, you should do that, and I
go, mm okay, okay,and then don't be doing it. You
(29:14):
should pay that ticket, Melissa,You should pay that ticket. You should
pay that ticket. You should paythat ticket. You should pay that ticket.
Piece of mail comes in. Theticket is now twenty five dollars more,
seventy five dollars more. You didn'tpay that ticket. Yeah, I
heard you say pay that ticket.That's crazy. Um, what No,
I have the same thing. Whatis that? I don't understand why I
do that either. I think it'sADHD. Remember Instagram said we all have
(29:38):
it. We do, though I'mnot king. I think we have it
because of Instagram, just that constantlike gratification, that instant listen, little
hit of whatever. When I Ihad less tools to deal with adult life.
(30:02):
When I had less tools, Soall of my twenties early thirties,
I had my shit together. Therewas no speeding ticket that went on paid
well. First of all, therewas no speeding ticket speeding wear I drive
like mercy baby. We will getthere. When we get there. This
is this tail of a tortoise anda hair okay, and I am a
(30:25):
tortoise. But like I didn't havethat thing where I couldn't multitask, right,
you know what I mean? LikeI knew like all through college I
had like tons and tons and tonsof schoolwork and then after curricular ship and
then also a job. And Imanaged to do all of that and not
(30:45):
be burnt out. And I was. I was a normal, very high
functioning many adults. And now thatI've become a very real adult, yo,
some of the ship is real hardbecause they don't tell you how heavy
the weight of the mom ticker isdo this to register the kid, and
(31:14):
I can't know they're gonna send itout on third notice about sheer is fucking
physical is not updated in her inthe nurses record? And also did you
send in the fucking conversation hearts?How fuck forgot about the conversation herds?
Three more glue sticks? They needtwo tissue boxes? Did you sign up
with the tissue boxes? I don'tknow where the fuck did I sign up
for that? Ship the sign upthen I got to find the fucking email
with the little light bulb. Okay, that's where the sign up was.
(31:37):
Oh shit, fucking gymnastics. Moneyis due, Like when you're looking for
a different email and then another emailtells your ass and it's just like,
I can't, I don't want.I don't have the thing that I used
to have in my twenties where Icould manage all this stuff and like access
it all easily. There's like aweird fog on top of everything. Okay,
(32:00):
yes, okay, No, I'mjust I'm having this moment because I
do the same exact thing and thatI get so down on myself and I'm
like, wow, you are reallyfucking this up. As a mom,
why can't you? For example,Quinn's physical is up to date and I
uploaded it into this we have thisthing called final Forms, and so I
(32:22):
put the physical, the updated physical, into final Forms. Yet the track
coach came back and said, Iactually need your pediatrician to sign this form
and you need to put that intofinal forms. So that's going to require
me to either physically show up atthe pediatrician's office and or make a phone
call. And the man is inmy emails constantly like you have you gotten
(32:46):
the form? Meat? And Iwas it's hard, sir, and I
yes, I know I have todo it, but I can't do it.
And I still have to pay theseschool fees for the boys, and
with sending me the reminder my schoolbucks because I know it needs to be
paid. Why can't I do itin the moment when I see the email?
(33:06):
But I just say, okay,I'll do that later, and then
I just yes, leave it beyes, and I'll just leave things alone
and then it'll come back up.But drive's justin crazy. But I'm also
like, you don't understand, Likehe does not believe that it's a brain
wiring. He's just like why couldn'tyou just do it? And I'm like,
(33:27):
because I literally couldn't. I supposeI can't explain to you that I
couldn't. But I couldn't. Icouldn't. I'm sorry, I can't.
I have to schedule dermatologists appointment.I can't do it. I understand the
dread of that person following back upwith you, the nurse being like,
hey, miss Beck, yes sheers, records are not completed, And in
(33:49):
my mind, I'm like, themotherfucker don't got polio. The motherfucker don't
got spine a bit, and Ishe's straight, don't worry about it.
Everything's cool over here. I'll letyou know when something bad happens, when
she becomes patient zero, I won'teven send her in there. You know,
I'm good for it. Don't botherme about this paperwork. And I
don't want to go down across seventowns to then sit with the doctor who's
going to charge me thirty five dollarsto put a fucking stethosope to her thing,
(34:14):
make her cough to the left,look inside her ears, poker belly
a couple times, and tell me, yep, she's growing. Looks like
you've got it, kid, Idon't think this is annoying to me.
Yeah, and also it is weren'tyou in the town mom and Dad's page.
I was the most vocal vaccine person. So you know I'm good for
(34:35):
it. Come on, right right, I'm glad it's not just me because
I have this secret shame about it. See, I have just embraced it.
I really would like you see mymail bag, which I've now transferred
to a box because it looks moreorganized in a box. Yeah, you
(35:01):
know, when it wasn't a blueIkea bag, justin could walk past the
bag that's filling with papers and go, babe, honestly, what the fuck
is are you okay? Like?Do you need medications? Seriously? This
looks crazy, Like you're just notgoing to open this mail? This mail
looks mighty important. I think thisone says I RS. I'm like,
does it? Oh my god,Dad's for you to do with? Though.
(35:24):
Man, I don't open it either, because I don't give a fuck.
That's the thing. What are wegonna do? We're gonna open it
now. I have the information thatI need to do something. I need
to take an action. When Ididn't open it, I didn't have to
take an action. You see whatI'm saying. So technically I'm smarter than
everybody, you know what I mean. Like, that's how I'm thinking of
it now. I throw away whatI know is visibly junk, and then
(35:47):
anything else, whether it has myname or his name on it. I
have a silver bowl that sits onthe console right inside my front door,
and it gets stacked in the bowland I don't touch it. I don't
want to look at it at um. You know, I throw away the
sec and such sold their house.I don't give a fuck. Um yeah,
(36:08):
I throw away the Do you wantto donate clothes? No? I
don't. I throw away that.Do you want to help um these children
with cancer? I do? Butoof can't. Um. Yeah, I
know that's terrible, But I knowall you motherfuckers are thrown away too.
And in my mind, I'm like, you know, we could do though,
we could help the earth by youstop sending me this shit. But
(36:29):
we don't want to do that,do we? Um? And then if
it says Melissa Beck, if itsays Justin Beck, if it says any
of his business names, if itsays my little cute LLC girl, I
don't. I don't, I can'tdo it. God, I'm glad I've
(36:51):
started to. I've started to alertpeople that if you sent me that in
the mail or electronic mail, youknow something, we go by email or
voicemail. If the word mail isin the form of communication, you ain't
gonna get me. You ain't gonnaget me. You're gonna need to text
(37:13):
me. Okay, man, wedon't text in voices. Okay, Well
you know so I have in thelast few years, I have removed all
of our information from the school directory, which means that if a parent,
and this has happened recently and Ifeel bad, but I don't parents will
send out invitations for children's birthday partiesin the class because we have the rule
(37:37):
that you cannot if you're going toextend an invitation, you have to invite
the whole class, which I thinkis ridiculous. But that's a story for
another time. The number of birthdayparties at Lennox has missed out on because
mommy doesn't give out her email bydesign. Yes, listen, I didn't
(37:57):
realize how much of an impact itwas going to have, because at one
point Salan was like mom did younot put any information in the directory.
I said correct. She's like,not even your email. Though, She's
like, I can understand you don'twant to put your address, but not
even your email, And I saidcorrect. She goes mom. People keep
asking me, you know, Shalanmight want to invite you to my bar
(38:22):
mitzvah, but I can't because mymom doesn't know your mom's address. Can't
I just give your mom in frontof her. I've gotten so many random
texts from a you know ten numbers, Hey miss back such and such as
mom here, and then they sendme a picture of the fucking invitation.
(38:42):
I appreciate that. I know thatthat's annoying. I know that now that
woman has had to stop her date, take a picture of the invitation,
send it to me that but thisis a more efficient way of communicating.
Why are you sending paper out?That's crazy? Not just that. Why
are you sending paper out with apiece of glass and a piece of tissue
and some confetti and at that thathas a lot of money. Do not
waste your money on me. Donot waste your money on me, because
(39:04):
I'm putting that right in the garbage. I'm putting that right in the garbage.
It'll sit on the counter for aday. I'm gonna wipe around it
one goddamn time, exactly one time, and then that's going in the motherfucking
garbage. Do not waste your moneyon mail to me, because babe,
I hate mail. Not doing it? Oh god, wow, I just
the whole weight has been lifted offof my chest. Yeah. I don't
(39:28):
want to be in the directory.I don't. I don't. I don't
want to commisserate. And also Isigned up for this parenting thing that requires
my participation with you other parents,but I wasn't with you in the gym
do that over there. I'm doingwhat I'm doing with my kids. Why
do I gotta now do shit withyour kids? You see what I mean?
(39:50):
Like, I don't. Yeah,Oh, and I feel bad.
And I also feel like this birthdayparty thing we had it really made the
pandemic when there were none. Let'sgo back to that, dude, I'm
not kidding. There was a timebetween Shaloon being and from the two's program
(40:14):
in preschool all the way to likefourth grade, where twice in a week
I was spending thirty five forty dollarsper birthday party. But then I'm not
going to have a birthday party likethat. You know, I'm going to
have a family dinner. I'm goingto invite four friends over. So now
I've put out so much money inbirthday presence knowing that my child ain't going
(40:39):
to get no presents, so thatit's not reciprocated, which isn't the point,
because it was. If it wasup to me, I would say
no gifts. I just got aninvitation by email the other day that said
no gifts, and I was like, I noticed, right, yes,
I've done that too. Yeah,please no gifts because now I got to
deal with that shit. And it'snot that I'm a bad person and I
(41:00):
don't send thank you notes. It'sthat I used to have the energy as
a mother to sit there with Shalomand make her handwrite seventeen thank you cars.
I used to have that. NowI think Shalom and Maja or Maja
and Shara have never thank you hard. They've never sat down to say thank
(41:23):
you that Dada. If anything,I'm like, get out your little iPad,
draw something on there, then textme the picture and I'll text it
to the person They texted. Dannyand his boyfriend. You know, a
drawing that they made in the iPad. Thank you. It saved the earth,
it saved time. I just I'msorry. Times are changing, and
(41:49):
not only are they changing, buttime is limited. I can't do all
these things. It should be birthdayparties are limited to very close friends only.
It should be don't fucking send meanything in the mail. Well,
and we're headed into May, whichas a parent feels very sometimes I think
(42:09):
even worse than December as a parent, because May it is now oh well,
you have all of your like endof year celebrations, and there's field
day, and there's well your kidsget out later. But for us,
the whole month of May is chockfull of just like all of these things
(42:30):
that you have to get done.You've got to you know, you've got
the money for the teacher gifts,and you have the final band performance and
this one's got their you know,their second grade graduations. You're gonna go
attend the little parade at the school, and there's just it's like just something
every single week to stay on topof. And then you know, the
(42:50):
school's love to throw in like thisis spirit week, so let's dress up
as a you know, nineteenth centurybarmaid. You know, like who who
has? Who has costume that?I hate sports day. First of all,
we are not a sports family.I had to tell Sara. She
was crying, I don't have asports outfit. And I was like,
because we don't do sports, andyou're gonna walk in there with your head
held up high and you're gonna tellthem we don't do sports at my house.
(43:14):
I was like, you can wearyour gymnastics leotard. That's a sport.
No, they mean like sports.I said, it's just a sport
as a sport, as a sport, m hm. So you don't put
that leotard on. Or you canwear your old Navy workout lady out.
It's an old Navy made many littlebrought in pants set for kids. I
(43:35):
don't know why kids need ath leisure, but okay, um, I said,
you can wear that. She's like, but that's for hanging out of
the house. And I was like, okay, you know what then I
don't. I don't know what's atelling you because we don't. I'm not
going to run out and buy asports jersey. I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, my kids have them.My kids Also they have T shirts.
They'll have like the boys do Quinn. Quinn might have like an FC
(44:00):
Cincinnati shirt, but that's the extentof it. So I'm like, that's
what you can wear on sports day. Sorry, But also like why are
you There should be a separation ofchurch and state and sport. I don't
what your family do, Like youroff time is your business, you know
what I mean? Yes, yes, And pajama Day. I do a
pajama day. That's about as faras I can get pajama day. Pajama
(44:22):
day works out here. But like, I honestly think that you know when
that that's saying that God only givesyou what you can handle. I think
I was only given girls because God, motherfucker knew Jessin Beck is not going
to do well on the sidelines ofa football field with tiny half Howard boys
(44:49):
who you know, Mommy said wecan't mess up our hair, so mommy
said we can't get our nails dirty. And I just was blessed that my
children are not interested, that mychildren that I do have are not interested
in sports. Oh God, I'mgonna already see it. Sports aren't gender.
Okay, shut the fuck up,you know what the fuck I meant?
(45:14):
And the thing is is my kidslove sports and nobody is interested in
the arts and participating in the artsprogram. And I'm like, but what
happened? Like I was, youknow, we all know show choir,
drama. Why doesn't anybody want todo those things? They're looking at you
(45:34):
like, well, look at you, no things as they tie their karate
belt on you ready, bitch,let's go. Yeah? Now, my
kids and meanwhile, mine love allthat. If there's an art class to
(45:54):
be had, a dress, makinga fucking architecture or whatever, my kids
are trying to do that as aclass about feelings and talking about them.
They want to do that. Yeah, I wish. I wish I had
those kids sometimes because I think maybe, well, I don't know, Bennett
might be the closest I can get. He definitely wants to do Banned again
(46:14):
next year and asked if he couldswitch his language from Spanish to French,
and I was like, we weyes, let's do this. That's adorable,
I know. Can you imagine thetiny little Bennett cafe. I would
love that. That's so cute.Um. When I met Danny's ass,
(46:35):
he was speaking French and I waslike, okay, oh, it's a
very sexy language for a boy,and I love my parents ahead at work
is yes he is. I waslike, yes, get I mean,
Spanish would definitely be more um usefulgiven the fact that you, you know,
(46:55):
live in a place where there's alot of Spanish speaking residency. However,
I can get down with an antitagett. I don't know any French.
I learned a little bit of conversationalFrench. There was this language program,
(47:17):
and I wish I could find itnow I've been looking back in like the
early two thousands, there was thisthing called Earworms, and they would set
up conversational language to music, andso it would be these two people that
were narrating, and so they wouldthey would give you a scenario, like
you're at the airport, and sothey would give you like all of these
(47:37):
basic phrases that you would need toknow while you're at the airport. But
it was to music on the basisthat, like, we remember songs so
easily, so let's put these phrasesto a little tune and you'll remember them.
And so I did that for ourlittle trip that we took, and
(47:58):
Chris thought that I was like fluid, and he was like telling people like
people would like ask him something andhe'd like point to me, and I
was like, I don't know.I can only ask like how to get
to the to the subway, Likeyou don't, I don't know what there's
That's all you need to know,though, But it was so helpful.
I wish I could find it becauseI would love. I'm so terrible.
I my brain doesn't work with language, but I could do that. Um,
yes, it is true if thingsare set to music, because it's
(48:20):
Shaloma and I are now setting ourare Um, we're like working through the
order of the program for when webecome bought mitzvah, and we're putting the
songs in order or whatever. They'remostly there, but like I've been putting
some real like soul into my shit, and Shalom's been getting into it too,
(48:42):
which you know, before she wasjust like, Mom, you're just
like so extra, but now she'slike, okay, that does sound good,
So now like, so let's dothis like this, shema ustrayella do
nael o hey new I don't naeha, And then I'm like, I'm gonna
pass it to you and she wasgonna go and I'm gonna go. Oh
shema try I don't ill oh heydu and I'm gonna go. I don't
(49:04):
I yeh And like I keep goingshit y same that shit you learn it
quicker. Yeah. Um, there'sanother one we've didn't been doing. Laid
down a track in your basement.I told you, well, I want
I want Chad, the drummer ofGlassjaw, because he is like Jad Chad
(49:28):
is Oh, everybody perked out.I know, Aaron's like, oh Chad,
um um, Chad is trained.What's that school musicians go to?
And it's really fucking Juilliard or umknow the other one you know what I'm
(49:50):
talking about. It has a nameof another school. It's like the famous
school. People are yelling into theirphones right now while we're sitting there to
figure this out. Um, ohmy god, do you know the name
(50:19):
of the school. It's in California. Oh, the Berkeley College of Music.
Yes, yes, yes. Sohe's like a Berkeley person, classically
trained musician and so you know,Justin knows a thing or two about compositions.
(50:39):
So I was like, can youguys come to one of shalom?
And my lessons and like, youknow, tell us where to put the
cowbell. You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I want a
little tambourine in the bitch, Iwant, you know, a little fuller.
I want to I wanted like anorgan sound like a gospel e organ
(51:01):
sound. So let me and shewon't get these hits off bitch um.
But setting language to music is everything, because I tell you, when when
we have to say the prayers justoutright, like I sound so ugly,
(51:21):
but when we sing them, itsounds really amazing. But like the other
day, we were in class andwe were singing, um, oh,
there's a part that goes, sowe have to go shema, He's right,
I don't know, you have togo really slow. Hello, hey,
(51:42):
I don't know hot and she goesbeing Dame dunooning on the piano.
And I looked over and our teacherwas crying. I was like, oh
my gosh, everything okay, youguys just so so beautiful. And one
was like, oh my god,so disgusted, and I started crying.
(52:07):
I was like, it's just reallylike, we're really good, it's so
beautiful. Teenagers really hate public displaysof emotions. I've learned this recently.
They're so embarrassed. So like Icame home so excited about that. It's
like justin we're getting so far inour Hebrew lessons and in our singing,
(52:27):
like we're really like coming up witha very cohesive and beautiful program, and
like we just really feel like there'snot going to be a dry eye in
the house. And I started hangingin the story and he just laughed in
my face. He was like,right, beautiful, Yeah, yeah,
he's not whatever. He had hisown little he's just jealous. Has to
(52:57):
be it like you're just mad becauseyou can go back in time and fucking
right, you can't be the onlymusical genius in this house. Think you'll
yeah, And I want Berkeley trainedmusicians on the BEMO with me doing my
songs. God damn it, Ohmy god. It's gonna be good,
I think. And it's gonna beamazing. See. I can't wait.
(53:20):
We'll see, because baby, Ilike, you know, we opened it
up with bim bam, bam,bam, bam, bim bam, bam
bam bam, Baby baby baty bimbam that these jews shits fucking slap.
I know it sounds crazy without music, but like they're really good. I
should have justin come in here andhold on a second. Let me see
if you'll come in here with alittle guitar. What does it mean?
(53:43):
What is what is that? Whatare you saying? Oh? Those are
just fucking that's just a little melodybefore you get to the prayer part.
Oh, there's a lot of that. Or you'll just throw in the la
la la la la shit in betweenthe prayers. I think they do that
to make it like um funner forthe kids. But I really like putting
a little slap on them. Ido. I really enjoy going to Hebrew
(54:08):
School. I don't know, likeit's like it's like the best forty five
minutes of my week. That soundsstupid, but no, it doesn't sound
stupid at all. I'm beginning thesesongs off. The melody for the vaft
is really hard, so we're tryingto figure that out. Girl might get
(54:30):
there, though y'are not ready.And I wear my little Bathsheba dressed to
every class. My teacher things I'mcrazy and I like to stay with the
theme. I told you I amgoing full conservative. I really think I
am I'm in my conservative era,my Jewish era. This is great for
(54:51):
me. I'm serious, and I'mdoing things that I didn't even think,
Like I just bought that fuzzy blackhat. Come on, oh yeah,
remember that I was very Yeah,I totally remember that. It was very
Jewish. And you're really the onlyperson I know that could pull it off.
And is she pulling it off?Probably not, but I'm like,
but I'm Jewish. So it's theconfidence. You just have to have the
(55:14):
confidence. That's really half the battle. That's all. It is. Totally
totally Hello out there in the ImperfectStrangers podcast universe. Thank you for listening
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(55:35):
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(56:19):
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We did it, Joe, whatnod? We did it? Joe,
Oh we didn't. No, wedidn't, because I won't believe it until
I see it. I won't believeit until I see it, because they've
been saying this for years. Heshould have been under the jail twenty five
thirty years ago, and I'll believeit when I see it. I really,
(00:44):
for the most part, I stoppedfollowing most any politics involving dead Man
just because it stole so much fromme during those years reservation. Yeah,
I had to just stop looking atit. I had to stop caring about
it the way that I cared aboutit, and had to just hope that
(01:04):
the um the wheels of justice turningever so slowly, would come around.
And so when I read it thatit was going to be coming possibly this
Tuesday, yeah, I kept scrollingbecause I was like, oh, because
you know they always say that breakingnews such and such sitch and such says
(01:27):
that you all been saying that we'veliterally watched crimes unfold before our very On
January sixth, I watched him insight a mob and nothing happened. So
I was like, yeah, I'mpining, sure, But then when he
himself announced it to try to getahead of it m and then to also
(01:49):
call in the same exact way thathe called for the riot in January sixth.
I was like, oh, he'she's tripping. He's trying to get
ahead of this. Because he's tripping. He wants to create a spectacle so
(02:09):
that we don't see the purp Walk. Yep, and I want the purp
Walk. I cannot wait if ithappens. Give me some popcorn. I'm
so excited. We want the purpWalk. I need, I deserve.
I am observe it. I amowed the purp Walk, okay um.
(02:34):
But I'm also like, is thereanyone left? Is there? Like?
Is there anyone openly stupidly, embarrassinglymaga left that will go okay, well,
well we'll answer the call and gostand on the bar logo and get
shot up? Like is there someonereally that stupid? Still I haven't followed.
Oh uh, I haven't followed,but I can guarantee it because I
(02:58):
did. I got nervous when Iread was it a tweet or so?
Whatever he posted came across my timelinesomewhere and I thought, oh my god,
there are people that are out there, and they're going to find a
way to blame Joe Biden for this. They're gonna blame Joe Biden. They're
gonna blame Joe Biden's son who doesdrugs. They're gonna blame Kamala Harris is
(03:23):
gonna be in it. Hillary willfind a way to get into it.
There are people they're they're gonna thinkthat this is some kind of strange injustice
and some kind of like you know, deep state conspiracy to keep him from
running in the next election. Andit's like, no, guys, he's
actually a criminal. He's a badperson, which you should have known by
(03:46):
grab him by the pussy, butyou didn't. So many red flags,
so many red flags this entire time. But I'm just like, are they
really going to do that? Though? Are there any left arrest him or
ride for him? Oh? Arethere any left? I mean for DeSantis
(04:13):
now? And like, aren't theyalso? That's off. I think that
there's um. I think that thereare some that have transitioned over to the
dark side of DeSantis, but I'msure that there are still just as many
going hard for Donald Trump, whichthe Strong Family will never be going back
(04:34):
to Florida ever. Again with allof the crazy shit that's happening. Like
if I thought last year was badand Chris was like, absolutely, we're
not putting our money into that state, like it was nice knowing you Florida.
I've gone only gone a select fewtimes for very specific reasons. Um,
(04:56):
yeah, I agree, and Ifeel that, but you know,
I just have a feeling Tuesday isgoing to come and go and ain't ship
gonna haven. We ain't seeing noperp walk. I mean, if we
if we were able to find AlexMurdoch guilty, given his money and power
(05:21):
in Hampton County, South Carolina,given his history, we have to we
have to. There has to besome sliver of justice. Well, I
mean you have to if we takehim down. I need the sons,
I need all of them. Yeah, the whole family, Jared, Ann
(05:43):
and Ivanka LL. I know,Baron done some shit too, Get him
out of here. I want himout of here. Melania too, Fuck
you bitch. Malania is counting downthe same way we're counting down. But
you ain't on our side. You'renot gonna skip by on this. We're
not. And that's what's gonna happen, you know, motherfucker's be having a
(06:04):
very short memory. M Oh,what she's been through, the long suffering
wife. She must be so relieved. Now fuck her. She was in
it too. She was the samemotherfucker. She's the same anti immigrant,
the same anti black ass bit.She gotta go to hmm, the whole
family. Lock him up, wholefamily, Lock him up. I want
(06:25):
to see what her face looks like, but she don't have her treatments.
Give it to me. I wantto fucking exclusive interview. I want to
see Donald Trump without self tanner andwithout the access to the hair. Oh
girl, that within the first weekhe's going to have right above the ear,
one long, one long corn row, a very thin, sad,
(06:46):
fragile corn row, because he's gonnabe hanging onto that little hair that he
uses to fold over the top.He's gonna just have one real and you
know, he's gonna have a personthat does his little bread. And ten
years from now, we're going havea fucking jailhouse interview with fucking Trevante or
wherever the fuck his name is,and he's gonna be like, listen,
(07:08):
man, I don't fuck with him. I didn't fuck with him, but
I found him to be a niceguy in the jail. He needed a
barber. I got that certain touch. So, you know, Don and
I talked about a lot of thingsover the course of our time to get
on and you know, we settledon this particular protective hairstyle because he knew
(07:30):
that he was coming out, andwhen he came out, he wanted to
be able to, you know,get back to himself. Everybody deserves,
you know, everybody in here deserves, you know, to feel good about
themselves. I know that out thereit's hard for you people to understand that
we're criminals, and you know,you feel like the society should just throw
us away. But you know,Don deserved to feel good about himself.
So I you know, I didthis little corn row every week, and
(08:00):
I would like I would like theinsider details documentary of Milannia being in the
women's unit, because I've watched alot of those, like um women in
lock up. I've watched the onesof like the Teen Girls and Juvenile Detention,
like it gets they're rough, andso I would really love to to
(08:24):
just get that insider experience of whatit is like for Milannia Trump in the
women's unit because you know she's notlasting long. They are going to They're
gonna like cut her hair off inher sleep. They're gonna eat her ass
up, you squitty eyed bit.Literally, they're gonna eat her ass up.
(08:46):
Or will be surprised, or willbe surprised, you know what I'm
saying. Milannia might have motherfucking tat'son her face. We don't know,
We do not know what is possiblebehind those walls. Um, I've watched,
I've watched all those two. What'sthe one that I watched and it's
um, there was a girl inthere. Ah, she had a tad
(09:11):
two hundred face, she had reallydeep dimples. She she hung out with
another girl who was making the hoochoh like no toilet one, Yes,
they were talking through the toilet.Well, there's there's a couple. So
the one that like immediately springs tomind is where the people go undercover and
(09:33):
they have to last like what sixtydays and they report back to sixty days
in boom. I like, yeah, but this was a love that one.
Yeah, there's another one. Um, it's like just girls. I
can't remember, Yeah, just girls. It's like the Secret life of blahyh
(09:54):
blah, I don't know, butit was really like, first of all,
I'm like, how have we asa society go let's make a reality
show of the people in the jail. And then you approach the people in
the jail who can't possibly be gettingpaid for this. I go, yeah,
(10:18):
I want to show what life isliking here, and you go,
okay, what they've got there's gotto be some kind I mean, they've
got to be putting money in theircommissary, right, is that leak?
Can you do that? No?They're agreeing to be part of a documentary,
and part of that documentary is torelinquish your rights as a fucking person.
You want to share your story.It's all evil all around, and
(10:41):
here I am watching them motherfucker jailprisoning these women. It seems very scary.
I mean, can you imagine gettingout and being like, wait a
second, I saw you on LockedUp? Is that you You're in the
middle of spin class, go highschool together. I got a text from
(11:05):
a girlfriend who was like, thanksBe and Murray as well. They were
smashing my boob down in a routinemammogram. They're like, are you what?
Yeah? Not during Yeah, butI was like, at least it
wasn't a PAPS mirror, because I'vegotten it during a PHAPS Marry, let
me say something m hm like inthe middle of the speculum and the little
(11:28):
dude pie cleaner during the PAPS mirror, you know, when a little the
lady comes in and she's the papertowel goes down and she sets up all
the stuff that the real doctor isgoing to need to come in and do.
She's setting it up, but sheturned around and was like, huh,
I feel like I asked like,yeah, yeah, yea, yeah,
yeah, I know, yeah,I know you're not laying out the
(11:48):
pussy tools and are about to askme. But I've also had it after
I've given birth and the ladies pushingon my thing and I'm feeling the warm
blood rush out of my vagina ontothe wee wee. I thought I knew
you from somewhere, and I'm like, wasn't my fussy lips though? Is
that what it was? Because everybody'sseen those two, I guess I don't.
(12:09):
And that's not add this to thecut etiquette. Don't ask a reality
person where you know them from doingany kind of intimate medical procedure if I
got my booty in the air,or if I'm dripping duty water from a
fucking anima or colon colon ascapy orwhatever the fuck. Don't that's not where
(12:31):
you know me from that all.You don't know me at all. Again,
you don't know me when I'm checkingout either. Keep it to yourself.
Just keep it to yourself. Yeah, just do the Google after after
you leave, do the quick Google, and then have that moment where you're
like I knew it, and thenyou like text your best friend or I
think that's the only way because youdon't violated my hippop. Please, don't
(12:54):
you shouldn't know that about me ifI'm fucking I think I had that before
too. I wrote about it ina journal entry called shitty legs. Um,
not shitty legs. No, Ijust kept having like, um,
(13:18):
you know, like when the utigets really bad and it's it's bordering on
sepsis and you're gonna die. Yeah. So they thought maybe something was wrong
with my kidney, Like something's wrongwith like my kidney had a fucking laceration
to it. Something was wrong becausethere was an infection going on, and
like I just could not clear thisinfection and it wasn't a UTI because you
know, I wasn't Like UTIs makeme feel I feel a way about that
(13:41):
shit. I know that they're naturaland the normal, but like that makes
me feel like you are accusing meof the booty going into the pusty,
the posty, back to the booty, booty, back to posty. And
you know what I'm saying. Ifeel a way about that because I feel
it's real accusatory and I didn't dothat. Um So, anyway, I
(14:03):
had to get one of those.Uh, this show has got to stop.
We've got to put an end tothis show. Between the crying to
me talking about medical procedures, it'stoo much. There's a familiarity that we
should not reach. We're there becauseI think last weekend and track of audio
(14:30):
that got cut we did. Iliterally stopped and was like, hold on,
after you told a story, Isaid, hold on, what's the
name of this depository? Though?Um so, like the guys that end
up on the cutting room floor arehorrible. Yeah, I thought, oh,
I took that a tad too far, and then I was like,
no, you know what, actuallythis is just um part of the course.
(14:54):
I think at this point. Yeah, but like I think that I
do believe that, um, tellingwomen about pregnancy induced hemorrhoids that don't go
away is important. It is somethingthat we don't talk often about. You
know, all the times that yousee celebrities be like, no one was
talking about breastfeeding, No one wastalking about postpartum. No, no,
(15:16):
no, we've all been talking aboutit. You just got here, We've
all been talking about it. Butone thing that is true is no one
talks about hemorrhoids. That is true. We could corr that, mord one.
No one, No one talks aboutit, and it's such a I
feel like it's such a dirty littlesecret. And it doesn't have to be
(15:37):
dirty though, because I like theextra big tux medicated wipes. UM.
I also like that anyway, Reallyno one does talk about that. But
yeah, we have thotten a bittoo far. But they checked out my
liver, not my liver, mykidney, your kids, see if it
(16:00):
was something wrong with it bifurcated.I don't know what the fuck they were
looking for. And you have tofast, I think, m hm.
And then is this the one whereyou gotta drink something or that's a different
one. I don't know. Idon't even know what you're talking about.
I've never had this happen before.You could tell me. How are they
(16:22):
got to take a picture of theinside of you? But they blow up
a balloon inside your booty. Huh, it's a procedure. They blow up
a balloon inside your booty. Theyfeel that, they fill it up,
and you hold it home. Thatsounds uncomfortable until the pressure is really really
bad, and then you can letit go and I think literal doodoo water
comes out. But the tes thathas to be there just right, otherwise
(16:47):
if they release the bloody blot toosoon or rather, it's gonna be dood
to water down your legs. Andthat happened to me. It's like,
really day a job. Wait aminute, how are you? Are you
lying down? Yeah? I'm imaginingon your side. Okay, you're laying
(17:08):
on your side, and then yougo into this big, gigantic spaceship and
it goes all around you, right, and it's like a whirring sound whatever,
and you're holding holding holding, They'relike holding you got it, hold
it, hold it, hold tohold to hold to hold it. And
then when you're finally done. They'resupposed to release this thing on your side
again, and you know, youfeel comforted, but like they're not supposed
(17:29):
to take the thing out of yourbutt hole until it's fully drained, and
I guess it wasn't. And sothen doodoo water was on my legs,
my lax and so I'm in thebackwards bathroom and it's dood water on my
legs. I'm like, I gottaget to the bathroom. So now I'm
giving myself a little mini bath insideof the sink at the hospital because I
have doodo legs. It was crazythey didn't clean They should have cleaned you
(17:53):
up before you even got off thattable their I tiptoed with my shitty legs
to the bathroom. He gave myselfa little mini back and like, I
don't think I came out of thehouse for like a week after that.
I was like this was mortifying.Anyway, I got recognized from the world
during that mother bugger. That wasthe point of this whole story. It
is just the gift that keeps ongiving. It just never stops. And
(18:17):
so like, so, wait,what was wrong with your kidneys? Nothing?
They found nothing wrong. So Iwent through that whole procedure for nothing.
I don't know, they found nothingwrong, But the point is,
I'm very um nervous about you know, at some point, one day it's
going to be my shit that's onNetflix, and we're gonna have to deal
(18:38):
with all of that all over again. I was like, man, I
feel so I feel sorry for you. I'm so sorry. She's like,
yeah, whatever, it is,what it is. But like, if
i'd have known then what I knownow, would I, you know,
do that math differently in my head? Like nobody told twenty year old me
(19:00):
one day you're going to be fiftyyears old getting a medical procedure and someone's
going to ask you if you werethat twenty year old asshole with dollar bills
on your titties, someone's going todo it with their hand up there your
butthole, it's gonna suck. Wouldthat have made me go, yeah,
let me not get this five thousand. I don't know that was I don't,
(19:22):
I don't. I don't think therewas any way that you could have
predicted that because at the time socialmedia didn't exist. The Internet was still
in its infancy. So I thinkthere's absolutely no way you could have forecasted
that that was even a possibility,because it literally wasn't a thing. I
(19:42):
mean, I don't think that wereally understood the reach, you know,
and I don't think that we reallysat down. I didn't. I didn't
use my imagination enough to go,wait a second, this is going to
creep into every part, every mundanepart of casual, everyday life. I
(20:04):
did not think about that. Andthen I also did not think about the
money. I thought five thousand dollarswas a lot of money, like a
whole ass, dumbass. The crazierpart is Shorty and Mercy also thought five
thousand dollars was a lot of money. I didn't have any counsel, but
(20:25):
it's like, what but that,I mean, that was a lot of
money. It is a lot ofmoney. Was a lot of money.
Yeah, but it's a lot ofmoney for an hour of your life.
It's not a lot of money forthirty years. We're laughing now, and
(20:48):
shit, we're gonna hang up andit's gonna be one tear drop left eye,
go Megan, Um, I amdelirious. Um. You know,
like that thing where you start talkingabout real painful shit and shit's just getting
real funny, like we sound rightnow like we just did a bunch of
(21:11):
whippings, but we're going through someshit. I know, I know,
I am one thing that people maynot know. Yeah, they definitely won't
know, but I'm gonna tell youright now all of the nervous laughter that
I had to cut out from lastweek's episode because listening back to it,
I thought, I sound like awhole crazy person talking about my dog dying.
(21:33):
But this is how I cope,and it's uh because on the other
side of it, like I lookedat Chris on Thursday and he was talking
about something and he's been having somehard times, and I struggled, Like
I feel like in a relationship,there's only room for one of you to
(21:53):
be struggling, and I have beenstruggling for the last I've definitely taken up
my time on the struggle bus.And so when he was having his time
this week, I was like,I can't. I can't deal with like
your big feelings and my feelings.I because I jump right down into the
(22:18):
volcano with him, and so nowI'm I am feeling what he's feeling on
top of everything else that I'm feeling, and I looked at him on Thursday
and I was like, my brainis broken, and I said, sometimes
I don't. I don't know howI can deal with this level of anxiety
for the rest of my life becauseit makes me feel really tired. And
(22:41):
as always, his first question was, did you take your medication? I
said, yes, I've taken mymedication. I'm trying all the tricks.
I'm doing all the things. Igotta call the therapist. I gotta get
back on her schedule, but sometimesit just feels like so overwhelming. And
then he was like, I'm gonnaneed you to take Saturday and just do
(23:02):
what you want to do on Saturdayall day because you need some like dopamine
hits real quick, real quick.Because you're sounding really dark right now.
I mean, what a great husband. Yeah, what a great husband.
(23:22):
But I feel I feel bad Andthen what a terrible wife. Oh,
now you're going to be sad.I can't do it with you. No,
it makes me It's not that Ican't do it with you, It
just it makes me worried because thenmy anxiety starts to spiral into Okay,
well whares his head. He's he'syou know, he's struggling with something right
(23:42):
now. I don't know how tohelp him. I don't know what the
solution is. I don't think thatI can do anything, and so it's
that feeling. It's the feeling ofhelplessness. I can't do anything to make
this better for him. So nowI'm just gonna worry. Yep, but
he's going to spiral out of control. And when both are down, Oh,
(24:07):
that's where like random yelling starts.It's not the house is gross.
That's why I like, you knowwhat you are right? There is only
really one room for one person tohave big feelings, and that one person
is me. So y'all gotta figureit out. At Shira, seven year
(24:34):
old, don't come in here withthat ship. My kids were fighting on
Thursday night and I was just spiralingand they were, you know, they
were doing that pickering that children doand I and I just looked at him
and I was like, my anxietyis so all right now, I can't
do it. That's doubt. Andthey both stopped and turned around and looked
(24:55):
at me. You guys got tofigure it out, please separate. I
can't do this with you right now. And then I would love this oh
god, do you do the kindof screaming that white ladies do wear,
like your whole hair moves? Yees, oh, the floor shakes I have.
I take that wide stance and bendmy knees and like just comes from
(25:18):
the bottom of my pelvic floor rightout of my mouth. Yes, really,
that's the kind of screaming. Yes, oh my god. Mine is
a more casual, Like I turnon a dime and it's out of a
door, you know what I mean. Like I'm already locked up in my
own little cage because I mean,I know me, So I'll isolate myself
(25:41):
and then I'll just peek my headout. It's real calm and slow and
quiet, and then there's a loudsound following, which is the door shutting.
And then if I hear more peepingusually after and you know what,
when I do that, everybody laughsfirst all here, Jess, and then
(26:02):
I'll hear shalon. No, I'llhave no respect in here, to be
real with you, they do notcare. When I start to lose it.
They'll be like, oh God,here's your cons Wow. No,
I'm mine. I hold it in, hold it and hold it and hold
it and hold it in and thenI just unleash. It's not a healthy
(26:23):
way to function. Um, ButI have to say, because I go
to the gym now I it's donewondrous for my just general mood. Oh
yeah, I'll literally stop and youknow, smell the rose and blow out
(26:47):
the candle. Let me just smellthe rose and blow out the candle before
I fuck y'all up. I oftenthink back to I used to love watching
Caesar Milan and him training these reallyterrible dogs. I often applying it to
children. I apply it to myself. I often feel like if I have
(27:14):
not been exercised appropriately, then thatis when all of my anxiety just bubbles
up and gets worse. And nowthat I'm thinking about it, I have
not been exercising in the way thatI am used to over these last two
weeks because I was like, maybeif my body could use a rest.
But I do find like since I'vebeen doing yoga I've been trying to go
(27:37):
to maybe three times a week,that it is so good for me in
the moment that I wish that Icould find a way to recreate that in
my everyday life because the only thingthat I can focus on and think about
is not dying in that moment,and everything else just melts away. I
(27:59):
need to find a way to dothat consistently, like in the quiet moments,
because if I'm distracted and I'm busy, I'm okay, it's the minute
worth think I don't have anything todo or focus on that, that hamster
will just starts going. M I'mtelling you, I'm I'm embarrassed that it
(28:21):
took me this long to get here. On the fucking exercise is great for
your mental health because you hear itevery day. People say it every day.
You should do that, you shoulddo that, you should do that.
And I'm one of those people whereyou should do that, you should
do that, you should do that, you should do that, and I
go, mm okay, okay,and then don't be doing it. You
(29:14):
should pay that ticket, Melissa,You should pay that ticket. You should
pay that ticket. You should paythat ticket. You should pay that ticket.
Piece of mail comes in. Theticket is now twenty five dollars more,
seventy five dollars more. You didn'tpay that ticket. Yeah, I
heard you say pay that ticket.That's crazy. Um, what No,
I have the same thing. Whatis that? I don't understand why I
do that either. I think it'sADHD. Remember Instagram said we all have
(29:38):
it. We do, though I'mnot king. I think we have it
because of Instagram, just that constantlike gratification, that instant listen, little
hit of whatever. When I Ihad less tools to deal with adult life.
(30:02):
When I had less tools, Soall of my twenties early thirties,
I had my shit together. Therewas no speeding ticket that went on paid
well. First of all, therewas no speeding ticket speeding wear I drive
like mercy baby. We will getthere. When we get there. This
is this tail of a tortoise anda hair okay, and I am a
(30:25):
tortoise. But like I didn't havethat thing where I couldn't multitask, right,
you know what I mean? LikeI knew like all through college I
had like tons and tons and tonsof schoolwork and then after curricular ship and
then also a job. And Imanaged to do all of that and not
(30:45):
be burnt out. And I was. I was a normal, very high
functioning many adults. And now thatI've become a very real adult, yo,
some of the ship is real hardbecause they don't tell you how heavy
the weight of the mom ticker isdo this to register the kid, and
(31:14):
I can't know they're gonna send itout on third notice about sheer is fucking
physical is not updated in her inthe nurses record? And also did you
send in the fucking conversation hearts?How fuck forgot about the conversation herds?
Three more glue sticks? They needtwo tissue boxes? Did you sign up
with the tissue boxes? I don'tknow where the fuck did I sign up
for that? Ship the sign upthen I got to find the fucking email
with the little light bulb. Okay, that's where the sign up was.
(31:37):
Oh shit, fucking gymnastics. Moneyis due, Like when you're looking for
a different email and then another emailtells your ass and it's just like,
I can't, I don't want.I don't have the thing that I used
to have in my twenties where Icould manage all this stuff and like access
it all easily. There's like aweird fog on top of everything. Okay,
(32:00):
yes, okay, No, I'mjust I'm having this moment because I
do the same exact thing and thatI get so down on myself and I'm
like, wow, you are reallyfucking this up. As a mom,
why can't you? For example,Quinn's physical is up to date and I
uploaded it into this we have thisthing called final Forms, and so I
(32:22):
put the physical, the updated physical, into final Forms. Yet the track
coach came back and said, Iactually need your pediatrician to sign this form
and you need to put that intofinal forms. So that's going to require
me to either physically show up atthe pediatrician's office and or make a phone
call. And the man is inmy emails constantly like you have you gotten
(32:46):
the form? Meat? And Iwas it's hard, sir, and I
yes, I know I have todo it, but I can't do it.
And I still have to pay theseschool fees for the boys, and
with sending me the reminder my schoolbucks because I know it needs to be
paid. Why can't I do itin the moment when I see the email?
(33:06):
But I just say, okay,I'll do that later, and then
I just yes, leave it beyes, and I'll just leave things alone
and then it'll come back up.But drive's justin crazy. But I'm also
like, you don't understand, Likehe does not believe that it's a brain
wiring. He's just like why couldn'tyou just do it? And I'm like,
(33:27):
because I literally couldn't. I supposeI can't explain to you that I
couldn't. But I couldn't. Icouldn't. I'm sorry, I can't.
I have to schedule dermatologists appointment.I can't do it. I understand the
dread of that person following back upwith you, the nurse being like,
hey, miss Beck, yes sheers, records are not completed, And in
(33:49):
my mind, I'm like, themotherfucker don't got polio. The motherfucker don't
got spine a bit, and Ishe's straight, don't worry about it.
Everything's cool over here. I'll letyou know when something bad happens, when
she becomes patient zero, I won'teven send her in there. You know,
I'm good for it. Don't botherme about this paperwork. And I
don't want to go down across seventowns to then sit with the doctor who's
going to charge me thirty five dollarsto put a fucking stethosope to her thing,
(34:14):
make her cough to the left,look inside her ears, poker belly
a couple times, and tell me, yep, she's growing. Looks like
you've got it, kid, Idon't think this is annoying to me.
Yeah, and also it is weren'tyou in the town mom and Dad's page.
I was the most vocal vaccine person. So you know I'm good for
(34:35):
it. Come on, right right, I'm glad it's not just me because
I have this secret shame about it. See, I have just embraced it.
I really would like you see mymail bag, which I've now transferred
to a box because it looks moreorganized in a box. Yeah, you
(35:01):
know, when it wasn't a blueIkea bag, justin could walk past the
bag that's filling with papers and go, babe, honestly, what the fuck
is are you okay? Like?Do you need medications? Seriously? This
looks crazy, Like you're just notgoing to open this mail? This mail
looks mighty important. I think thisone says I RS. I'm like,
does it? Oh my god,Dad's for you to do with? Though.
(35:24):
Man, I don't open it either, because I don't give a fuck.
That's the thing. What are wegonna do? We're gonna open it
now. I have the information thatI need to do something. I need
to take an action. When Ididn't open it, I didn't have to
take an action. You see whatI'm saying. So technically I'm smarter than
everybody, you know what I mean. Like, that's how I'm thinking of
it now. I throw away whatI know is visibly junk, and then
(35:47):
anything else, whether it has myname or his name on it. I
have a silver bowl that sits onthe console right inside my front door,
and it gets stacked in the bowland I don't touch it. I don't
want to look at it at um. You know, I throw away the
sec and such sold their house.I don't give a fuck. Um yeah,
(36:08):
I throw away the Do you wantto donate clothes? No? I
don't. I throw away that.Do you want to help um these children
with cancer? I do? Butoof can't. Um. Yeah, I
know that's terrible, But I knowall you motherfuckers are thrown away too.
And in my mind, I'm like, you know, we could do though,
we could help the earth by youstop sending me this shit. But
(36:29):
we don't want to do that,do we? Um? And then if
it says Melissa Beck, if itsays Justin Beck, if it says any
of his business names, if itsays my little cute LLC girl, I
don't. I don't, I can'tdo it. God, I'm glad I've
(36:51):
started to. I've started to alertpeople that if you sent me that in
the mail or electronic mail, youknow something, we go by email or
voicemail. If the word mail isin the form of communication, you ain't
gonna get me. You ain't gonnaget me. You're gonna need to text
(37:13):
me. Okay, man, wedon't text in voices. Okay, Well
you know so I have in thelast few years, I have removed all
of our information from the school directory, which means that if a parent,
and this has happened recently and Ifeel bad, but I don't parents will
send out invitations for children's birthday partiesin the class because we have the rule
(37:37):
that you cannot if you're going toextend an invitation, you have to invite
the whole class, which I thinkis ridiculous. But that's a story for
another time. The number of birthdayparties at Lennox has missed out on because
mommy doesn't give out her email bydesign. Yes, listen, I didn't
(37:57):
realize how much of an impact itwas going to have, because at one
point Salan was like mom did younot put any information in the directory.
I said correct. She's like,not even your email. Though, She's
like, I can understand you don'twant to put your address, but not
even your email, And I saidcorrect. She goes mom. People keep
asking me, you know, Shalanmight want to invite you to my bar
(38:22):
mitzvah, but I can't because mymom doesn't know your mom's address. Can't
I just give your mom in frontof her. I've gotten so many random
texts from a you know ten numbers, Hey miss back such and such as
mom here, and then they sendme a picture of the fucking invitation.
(38:42):
I appreciate that. I know thatthat's annoying. I know that now that
woman has had to stop her date, take a picture of the invitation,
send it to me that but thisis a more efficient way of communicating.
Why are you sending paper out?That's crazy? Not just that. Why
are you sending paper out with apiece of glass and a piece of tissue
and some confetti and at that thathas a lot of money. Do not
waste your money on me. Donot waste your money on me, because
(39:04):
I'm putting that right in the garbage. I'm putting that right in the garbage.
It'll sit on the counter for aday. I'm gonna wipe around it
one goddamn time, exactly one time, and then that's going in the motherfucking
garbage. Do not waste your moneyon mail to me, because babe,
I hate mail. Not doing it? Oh god, wow, I just
the whole weight has been lifted offof my chest. Yeah. I don't
(39:28):
want to be in the directory.I don't. I don't. I don't
want to commisserate. And also Isigned up for this parenting thing that requires
my participation with you other parents,but I wasn't with you in the gym
do that over there. I'm doingwhat I'm doing with my kids. Why
do I gotta now do shit withyour kids? You see what I mean?
(39:50):
Like, I don't. Yeah,Oh, and I feel bad.
And I also feel like this birthdayparty thing we had it really made the
pandemic when there were none. Let'sgo back to that, dude, I'm
not kidding. There was a timebetween Shaloon being and from the two's program
(40:14):
in preschool all the way to likefourth grade, where twice in a week
I was spending thirty five forty dollarsper birthday party. But then I'm not
going to have a birthday party likethat. You know, I'm going to
have a family dinner. I'm goingto invite four friends over. So now
I've put out so much money inbirthday presence knowing that my child ain't going
(40:39):
to get no presents, so thatit's not reciprocated, which isn't the point,
because it was. If it wasup to me, I would say
no gifts. I just got aninvitation by email the other day that said
no gifts, and I was like, I noticed, right, yes,
I've done that too. Yeah,please no gifts because now I got to
deal with that shit. And it'snot that I'm a bad person and I
(41:00):
don't send thank you notes. It'sthat I used to have the energy as
a mother to sit there with Shalomand make her handwrite seventeen thank you cars.
I used to have that. NowI think Shalom and Maja or Maja
and Shara have never thank you hard. They've never sat down to say thank
(41:23):
you that Dada. If anything,I'm like, get out your little iPad,
draw something on there, then textme the picture and I'll text it
to the person They texted. Dannyand his boyfriend. You know, a
drawing that they made in the iPad. Thank you. It saved the earth,
it saved time. I just I'msorry. Times are changing, and
(41:49):
not only are they changing, buttime is limited. I can't do all
these things. It should be birthdayparties are limited to very close friends only.
It should be don't fucking send meanything in the mail. Well,
and we're headed into May, whichas a parent feels very sometimes I think
(42:09):
even worse than December as a parent, because May it is now oh well,
you have all of your like endof year celebrations, and there's field
day, and there's well your kidsget out later. But for us,
the whole month of May is chockfull of just like all of these things
(42:30):
that you have to get done.You've got to you know, you've got
the money for the teacher gifts,and you have the final band performance and
this one's got their you know,their second grade graduations. You're gonna go
attend the little parade at the school, and there's just it's like just something
every single week to stay on topof. And then you know, the
(42:50):
school's love to throw in like thisis spirit week, so let's dress up
as a you know, nineteenth centurybarmaid. You know, like who who
has? Who has costume that?I hate sports day. First of all,
we are not a sports family.I had to tell Sara. She
was crying, I don't have asports outfit. And I was like,
because we don't do sports, andyou're gonna walk in there with your head
held up high and you're gonna tellthem we don't do sports at my house.
(43:14):
I was like, you can wearyour gymnastics leotard. That's a sport.
No, they mean like sports.I said, it's just a sport
as a sport, as a sport, m hm. So you don't put
that leotard on. Or you canwear your old Navy workout lady out.
It's an old Navy made many littlebrought in pants set for kids. I
(43:35):
don't know why kids need ath leisure, but okay, um, I said,
you can wear that. She's like, but that's for hanging out of
the house. And I was like, okay, you know what then I
don't. I don't know what's atelling you because we don't. I'm not
going to run out and buy asports jersey. I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, my kids have them.My kids Also they have T shirts.
They'll have like the boys do Quinn. Quinn might have like an FC
(44:00):
Cincinnati shirt, but that's the extentof it. So I'm like, that's
what you can wear on sports day. Sorry, But also like why are
you There should be a separation ofchurch and state and sport. I don't
what your family do, Like youroff time is your business, you know
what I mean? Yes, yes, And pajama Day. I do a
pajama day. That's about as faras I can get pajama day. Pajama
(44:22):
day works out here. But like, I honestly think that you know when
that that's saying that God only givesyou what you can handle. I think
I was only given girls because God, motherfucker knew Jessin Beck is not going
to do well on the sidelines ofa football field with tiny half Howard boys
(44:49):
who you know, Mommy said wecan't mess up our hair, so mommy
said we can't get our nails dirty. And I just was blessed that my
children are not interested, that mychildren that I do have are not interested
in sports. Oh God, I'mgonna already see it. Sports aren't gender.
Okay, shut the fuck up,you know what the fuck I meant?
(45:14):
And the thing is is my kidslove sports and nobody is interested in
the arts and participating in the artsprogram. And I'm like, but what
happened? Like I was, youknow, we all know show choir,
drama. Why doesn't anybody want todo those things? They're looking at you
(45:34):
like, well, look at you, no things as they tie their karate
belt on you ready, bitch,let's go. Yeah? Now, my
kids and meanwhile, mine love allthat. If there's an art class to
(45:54):
be had, a dress, makinga fucking architecture or whatever, my kids
are trying to do that as aclass about feelings and talking about them.
They want to do that. Yeah, I wish. I wish I had
those kids sometimes because I think maybe, well, I don't know, Bennett
might be the closest I can get. He definitely wants to do Banned again
(46:14):
next year and asked if he couldswitch his language from Spanish to French,
and I was like, we weyes, let's do this. That's adorable,
I know. Can you imagine thetiny little Bennett cafe. I would
love that. That's so cute.Um. When I met Danny's ass,
(46:35):
he was speaking French and I waslike, okay, oh, it's a
very sexy language for a boy,and I love my parents ahead at work
is yes he is. I waslike, yes, get I mean,
Spanish would definitely be more um usefulgiven the fact that you, you know,
(46:55):
live in a place where there's alot of Spanish speaking residency. However,
I can get down with an antitagett. I don't know any French.
I learned a little bit of conversationalFrench. There was this language program,
(47:17):
and I wish I could find itnow I've been looking back in like the
early two thousands, there was thisthing called Earworms, and they would set
up conversational language to music, andso it would be these two people that
were narrating, and so they wouldthey would give you a scenario, like
you're at the airport, and sothey would give you like all of these
(47:37):
basic phrases that you would need toknow while you're at the airport. But
it was to music on the basisthat, like, we remember songs so
easily, so let's put these phrasesto a little tune and you'll remember them.
And so I did that for ourlittle trip that we took, and
(47:58):
Chris thought that I was like fluid, and he was like telling people like
people would like ask him something andhe'd like point to me, and I
was like, I don't know.I can only ask like how to get
to the to the subway, Likeyou don't, I don't know what there's
That's all you need to know,though, But it was so helpful.
I wish I could find it becauseI would love. I'm so terrible.
I my brain doesn't work with language, but I could do that. Um,
yes, it is true if thingsare set to music, because it's
(48:20):
Shaloma and I are now setting ourare Um, we're like working through the
order of the program for when webecome bought mitzvah, and we're putting the
songs in order or whatever. They'remostly there, but like I've been putting
some real like soul into my shit, and Shalom's been getting into it too,
(48:42):
which you know, before she wasjust like, Mom, you're just
like so extra, but now she'slike, okay, that does sound good,
So now like, so let's dothis like this, shema ustrayella do
nael o hey new I don't naeha, And then I'm like, I'm gonna
pass it to you and she wasgonna go and I'm gonna go. Oh
shema try I don't ill oh heydu and I'm gonna go. I don't
(49:04):
I yeh And like I keep goingshit y same that shit you learn it
quicker. Yeah. Um, there'sanother one we've didn't been doing. Laid
down a track in your basement.I told you, well, I want
I want Chad, the drummer ofGlassjaw, because he is like Jad Chad
(49:28):
is Oh, everybody perked out.I know, Aaron's like, oh Chad,
um um, Chad is trained.What's that school musicians go to?
And it's really fucking Juilliard or umknow the other one you know what I'm
(49:50):
talking about. It has a nameof another school. It's like the famous
school. People are yelling into theirphones right now while we're sitting there to
figure this out. Um, ohmy god, do you know the name
(50:19):
of the school. It's in California. Oh, the Berkeley College of Music.
Yes, yes, yes. Sohe's like a Berkeley person, classically
trained musician and so you know,Justin knows a thing or two about compositions.
(50:39):
So I was like, can youguys come to one of shalom?
And my lessons and like, youknow, tell us where to put the
cowbell. You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I want a
little tambourine in the bitch, Iwant, you know, a little fuller.
I want to I wanted like anorgan sound like a gospel e organ
(51:01):
sound. So let me and shewon't get these hits off bitch um.
But setting language to music is everything, because I tell you, when when
we have to say the prayers justoutright, like I sound so ugly,
(51:21):
but when we sing them, itsounds really amazing. But like the other
day, we were in class andwe were singing, um, oh,
there's a part that goes, sowe have to go shema, He's right,
I don't know, you have togo really slow. Hello, hey,
(51:42):
I don't know hot and she goesbeing Dame dunooning on the piano.
And I looked over and our teacherwas crying. I was like, oh
my gosh, everything okay, youguys just so so beautiful. And one
was like, oh my god,so disgusted, and I started crying.
(52:07):
I was like, it's just reallylike, we're really good, it's so
beautiful. Teenagers really hate public displaysof emotions. I've learned this recently.
They're so embarrassed. So like Icame home so excited about that. It's
like justin we're getting so far inour Hebrew lessons and in our singing,
(52:27):
like we're really like coming up witha very cohesive and beautiful program, and
like we just really feel like there'snot going to be a dry eye in
the house. And I started hangingin the story and he just laughed in
my face. He was like,right, beautiful, Yeah, yeah,
he's not whatever. He had hisown little he's just jealous. Has to
(52:57):
be it like you're just mad becauseyou can go back in time and fucking
right, you can't be the onlymusical genius in this house. Think you'll
yeah, And I want Berkeley trainedmusicians on the BEMO with me doing my
songs. God damn it, Ohmy god. It's gonna be good,
I think. And it's gonna beamazing. See. I can't wait.
(53:20):
We'll see, because baby, Ilike, you know, we opened it
up with bim bam, bam,bam, bam, bim bam, bam
bam bam, Baby baby baty bimbam that these jews shits fucking slap.
I know it sounds crazy without music, but like they're really good. I
should have justin come in here andhold on a second. Let me see
if you'll come in here with alittle guitar. What does it mean?
(53:43):
What is what is that? Whatare you saying? Oh? Those are
just fucking that's just a little melodybefore you get to the prayer part.
Oh, there's a lot of that. Or you'll just throw in the la
la la la la shit in betweenthe prayers. I think they do that
to make it like um funner forthe kids. But I really like putting
a little slap on them. Ido. I really enjoy going to Hebrew
(54:08):
School. I don't know, likeit's like it's like the best forty five
minutes of my week. That soundsstupid, but no, it doesn't sound
stupid at all. I'm beginning thesesongs off. The melody for the vaft
is really hard, so we're tryingto figure that out. Girl might get
(54:30):
there, though y'are not ready.And I wear my little Bathsheba dressed to
every class. My teacher things I'mcrazy and I like to stay with the
theme. I told you I amgoing full conservative. I really think I
am I'm in my conservative era,my Jewish era. This is great for
(54:51):
me. I'm serious, and I'mdoing things that I didn't even think,
Like I just bought that fuzzy blackhat. Come on, oh yeah,
remember that I was very Yeah,I totally remember that. It was very
Jewish. And you're really the onlyperson I know that could pull it off.
And is she pulling it off?Probably not, but I'm like,
but I'm Jewish. So it's theconfidence. You just have to have the
(55:14):
confidence. That's really half the battle. That's all. It is. Totally
totally Hello out there in the ImperfectStrangers podcast universe. Thank you for listening
to the show. Thank you foryour support. If you want more Imperfect
Strangers in your life, make surethat you are subscribing to the show wherever
(55:35):
you listen to podcasts, except forSpotify. We're sorry about that, but
we just did not like being overthere given some of the stuff that happened
with it the last year, Sosorry Spotify users. But there are tons
of other places where you can listento the show, and you can find
links to those from our website andalso from our social media, specifically Instagram.
You can find us on Instagram atImperfect Strangers Underscore podcast on Twitter at
(55:58):
Imperfect Strangers. We've recently joined TikTok. We're tooled to be doing this,
but there we are. You canfind us on TikTok at Imperfect Strangers pod,
give us a follow. You'll findnew episodes of this show every Friday,
so make sure you're subscribed so thatyou don't miss out, and then
make sure to join us on Mondayson Instagram for a very special Monday Night
(56:19):
Live where we talk about the episode, we answer your questions, and we
always go off topic. So missalive miss a lot. And if you
need even more Imperfect Strangers in yourlife, because I know that some of
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come join our Patreon, Patreon,dot com forward slash Imperfect Strangers.
(56:39):
We have extra episodes so you canget not one, but two episodes a
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They get access to Monday Night Lives, so if you miss Alive on a
Monday, you can always catch upover there. On Patreon, we are
working our little behinds off to giveyou early and add free content. So
(57:01):
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and you can do that through ourPatreon as well. We have a private
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(57:21):
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