196 Cemented into My Heart (blog post)

I’ve posted a lot of vulnerable things on both my blog and on this podcast. I’ve talked about depression, anxiety, unmet expectations, my testimony, personal stories, and so much more.

Well this blog post is a little bit different as it is *extremely* vulnerable and makes me uncomfortable to think about sharing with the world. It’s been on my blog since December of 2022, but it’s pretty hidden. I’ve covered it with lots of other posts and is now not even on the front page (you have to scroll to the bottom and push “next”).

It doesn’t worry me too much anymore because it’s rare for anyone to find it. I *rarely* share it with people, so I’m sure it doesn’t get read very often. Just how I like it haha!

Well of course Heavenly Father had other plans. I felt prompted a couple days ago to record this and then post it on my podcast. So once again, I feel vulnerable as I’m bringing it forward, taking it out of its hiding place.

I hope you can hear my sincerity through my voice and words.

You can find the blog post at https://imperfectlybroken.com/...

The youtube video for President Holland’s video is linked on the blog post, or you can search, “Where Justice, Love, and Mercy Meet” on Google or Youtube.

Here is a link to my table of contents: https://docs.google.com/docume...

Make sure to turn on notifications so you never miss a new episode!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Dude, Hello, and welcome back to my podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
So it'd be so real with you right now. I
can't believe I'm doing this. I really can't. But here's
the thing. I was asked to teach Relief Society next week,
so June twenty second, and I have been pondering extensively
on that lesson. I was asked to do it on

(00:39):
Thursday last week, so a couple of days ago, because
today's Sunday. As I'm recording this, like I said, I've
been pondering and pondering and pondering and pondering this topic.
The topic, if you're curious what it is is, I'm
going to go over Elder Marc S. Palmer's talk about
coming back to the church and having a safe place
to do so, love, belonging, kindness, all of those things.

(01:03):
And I have been just pondering in general. And so
as I was listening to things and thinking about this lesson,
I started having these little inklings that maybe I should
record this blog post and put it on my podcast.
And I was like, no, no, thank you. And last

(01:25):
week actually and this happened, This conversation with my sister
happened before these little inklings but as you know, I've
gotten pretty close to my sister e Laura. We've been
talking a whole bunch and facetiming a whole bunch and
just sharing our lives with one another, even though we
love a stayed away. And the other day we were
talking and I kind of was opening up about a

(01:48):
few things, and then she said, you know, think about
how many people this could benefit if you shared this,
because there was something that I wrote that I shared
with her, and I was like, what do you think? And
I was like, well, I guess you haven't read this.
So I sent her that blog post and she read
it and she was like, wow, you know you're probably

(02:11):
really scared to post that, and I said yeah, and
then I told her I have it very hidden on
my blog now, like the only way you're going to
read it is if someone recommends it to you. I
recommend it to you, or you read every single one
of my posts, or you're just going through my website.
And that looks like an interesting title, because otherwise it's

(02:31):
not even on the first page. You type the uurllen
and then you go through all the posts on the page.
It's on page two. You have to put next. So
the idea that someone's gonna find it isn't very scary
for me. It's hidden, and I was telling my sister.
I was like, yeah, it's posted, and yeah, I was

(02:53):
really brave when I posted it. But now it's just there,
you know. You know, it's just a little hidden jewel,
hidden gem, and it's not very vulnerable because people aren't
finding it, and people aren't going to find it, and
if they do find it, then they've read a whole
bunch of other stuff, so they'll forgive me. They won't
think I'm too crazy or something like that. And I

(03:14):
told her something like, I am not recording this on
my podcast. Not happening. There's no way, you know, I've
got to keep it hidden and I don't want anyone
to know. Now. After having that conversation with her and pondering,
I've been thinking about following promptings and thinking about kindness

(03:35):
because there was the thing I was listening to. So
I just actually found sorry to jump topics. It wasn't
jump topics, but it seems like I am. I found
this podcast called the Comeback Podcast and basically what the
host does. Her name's Ashley Stone as she interviews people
that've come back to the church and they tell their
whole story. It's so good. Listened to like three or

(03:55):
four episodes now. Anyway, one of them was talking about
how we never know the inflo we have in other
people's lives. We never know the things that we do
and how they can positively affect someone ever, and it
was just really cool. And so she was saying, share
the thing, do the thing, minister, become friends, follow the promptings,

(04:17):
and cemented into your cemented into my heart, popped into
my mind, and I was like, oh, no, I don't
like this, but I decided I'm gonna do it. So
I want and I ask you to please stick around
for the end because that's really important. As I finish
the post, I'm gonna kind of expand a little bit

(04:39):
more and say a little bit more. So I really
ask you to stick around till the end. If you're
not gonna stick around to the end, just quit listening. Now.
I'm just kidding. I'm actually not really kidding, but part
of me is kidding. Okay, So, like I said, I
wrote this blog post. I wrote it in the summer

(04:59):
of tenty twenty two, and I just kind of added
to it, so I posted it on December first, twenty
twenty two. All right, it's called or it's titled Cemented
into my Heart. I posted this on December first, but
I did write dates throughout it of when I wrote things. Okay,
here I go July fourth, twenty twenty two. I've waited

(05:23):
approximately five years and seven months for it to happen,
patiently and sometimes not so patiently. I've been waiting desperate
for it to happen, desperate for my heart to let
him in. I've read books, I've paid extra careful attention
during seminary, Sunday school and Young Winds. I've listened and
listened and listened as people express their love for him,

(05:46):
often saying that he is their best friend. It frustrated
me to hear that, but I think I was mostly jealous.
Why couldn't he be my best friend? Why couldn't I
love him? Why when he has been knocking and knocking,
could I not opened the door and let him in? Actively?
I tried and tried to love him, to let him in.

(06:06):
I started books like Believing Christ and Let God Love You,
and later in college, The Jesus We Missed. I'll be honest,
and say that I never finished them, and maybe that's
why nothing changed. I read the Book of Mormon and
prayed and prayed, and prayed and prayed some more, but
this genuine love, this sincere gratitude, never came. I would

(06:30):
have moments where I had many breakthroughs. One of the
breakthrough moments was in twenty fifteen at ef Y during
one of Scott Anderson's classes, he had a class called
Our Savior's Love. The class was the most powerful class
I've ever had in my entire life. I don't even
know how to begin to explain what that experience was like.
It was simply incredible and indescribable. I remember the spirit

(06:55):
being tangible and alive in the room, and I don't
think there was one dry eye around. Not only did
I cry, but my body racked with sobs. There have
only been a few instances in my life where I
have cried so hard that my body was actually shaking,
and this was one of them. It was so apparent

(07:16):
that Jesus Christ knew me and loved me, and I'm
sure everyone in that room felt it too. Another one
of those moments was when I watched Toward Justice, Love
and Mercy meat in seminary. To summarize briefly, it is
about two brothers who decide to climb this mountain wall.
Towards the top, they realized they are stuck because the
ledge protrudes outwards and is not something someone can easily climb.

(07:38):
The elder brother helped the younger brother climb up and
then told him to go find a branch to possibly
help the older brother up. Knowing that his older brother
was going to jump, the younger brother waited quietly, just
waiting for his brother to make the leap, and when
he did, the younger brother grasped his arms with all
his strength and lifted him up over the edge, saving

(07:59):
his life. This situation is then compared to the Savior.
How we leap and hope to grasp onto anything to
be able to pull ourselves up, only to be rescued
by the matchless power of the Savior as he held
on to us with all his heart. I had seen
the video before, but this time that I watched it,
it was different. It struck accord in me. It was

(08:21):
a sweet spirit that touched my heart and I felt
very grateful for it. I felt his love and this
was progress for me. Then, later, the progress fell to
the ground and splattered on the floor. In my deepest,
darkest moments, I just looked at that video and wondered
why he didn't just drop me, why he didn't let
me fall. In fact, I was angry that he didn't

(08:44):
just drop me. And if you don't know the story,
watch the video. I'll put a link in the description
if I remember, and if not, just on YouTube. We're Justice,
Love and Mercina and it will make more sense. Back
to the post, I wanted to jump. I didn't want
to be saved. Although the words and paragraphs above are
vulnerable for me, this next part is probably the most

(09:05):
vulnerable for me. In fact, sharing this with you terrifies
me beyond belief. Like I said, I've hit it on
my blog, but I'm being brave. I'm bearing my soul
in hopes that someone else relates to it and finds
comfort that they aren't alone in these controversial feelings and
rare thoughts. I've already made super deep connections with people

(09:25):
by taking the plunge and sharing this part of my story,
and because of that, I feel it could be beneficial
to share more openly. November twenty eighth twenty twenty two.
So I wrote all that other stuff July fourth or
around that time, and now it's November twenty eighth. I
avoided this for a long time because I was too
scared to write this part. I've written everything around this

(09:48):
part and just skeet this, holding off for another day.
Perhaps today I can be brave enough to take the
step and open up. Perhaps today I can write one
of the most vulnerable things about me, deep Breath. It
starts at a young age, but specifically when I was
thirteen years old. It was probably the darkest time of
my entire life. Almost no one knew it. However, because

(10:11):
I was great at pretending straight a is a nearly
perfect attendance in school, dedication and hard work, commitment effort.
I gave school and life all I had. Every day
I went to church, even though my heart was absolutely broken,
broken because I was taught that during the darkest of
times and brightest of times, Heavenly Father would be there

(10:33):
for me, but more specifically, the Savior would be there
for me, and not only for me, but with me
by my side, carrying me if needed. It just didn't
feel that way. In fact, I often wondered if God
was up there in heaven, looking down, enjoying the popcorn,
enjoying the show, enjoying the mess that my life was,

(10:56):
enjoying my shattered heart and broken soul. I never doubted
that they weren't real. I just didn't want their help
or support when I wasn't getting it anyway, or at
least not feeling like I was. One of the only
things that comforted me at the time was pointing up
to Heaven and saying, stay away from me, leave me alone,

(11:17):
again and again. If I pushed him away, then I
couldn't be hurt even more by his absence of my life. Now,
this is the part that really scares me to say,
the part that I'm most vulnerable about. But maybe you've
already come to this conclusion yourself. I hated him. I
hated Jesus Christ. I was mad at him. I was angry.

(11:40):
I didn't like that he atoned for my sins. I
didn't like that I was dependent on him. I didn't
like that everyone loved him. I didn't like the emptiness
I felt when I thought of him, the feelings of betrayal.
In reality, these feelings of hatred only covered up the
very deep emotional hurt, hurt that he wasn't there for me,

(12:01):
hurt that he had abandoned me, hurt that he had
given up on me. It just didn't make sense. Because
I was trying so hard to be good enough for him.
I was trying so hard to please him. I was
trying so hard to do what was right, and not
because I wanted to check the boxes on a list
of righteous actions, but because I truly wanted to be good.

(12:23):
I wanted to feel worthy of his sacrifice and of
his love. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. Then,
when I was fourteen, I had a young woman leader
tell me that she was nervous I was going to
grow up and become very bitter towards the church. Let's
just say I got out of her car pretty quickly
after that. We were sitting in front of my house talking,

(12:44):
and although I had an abundance of pain in my heart,
depression sucks, man, I looked at that statement and said, nope, nope, nope, nope,
I was not going to do that. She didn't know me,
she wasn't allowed to say those things to me. Because,
in my mind, if I hadn't fallen away all ready,
why the heck would I fall away now? I took
this comet with me to prove to myself that I

(13:05):
was strong, I was brave, I was capable, I was faithful,
I was determined. I would not turn away bitter no
matter what. Okay, so I know I've talked about fs
Y again and again and again, but it's hard not
to when it completely changed me and brought so much
light into my life. And by the way, this is
only after one year of fs Y, not two and three.

(13:28):
It is hard not to when it accomplished the one
thing I have wanted all my life. It finally gave
me the opportunity and ability to love Jesus Christ. Miracle
upon miracle occurred, opening my heart and finally finally letting
Him in. One of the miracles that took place was

(13:48):
the love that I had for my youth, my kids.
On July sixth, twenty twenty two, I wrote this to them,
though none of them had read it. To my youth,
to my kiddo's thank you from the very bottom of
my heart. Because of you, a miracle occurred. You have
given me a miracle, you have given me a gift.

(14:08):
You have done more for me than I could ever
do for you. You have helped me find something that
I was looking so desperately for. You have blessed my life.
When I think of the Savior, I think of you.
I think of how much I love you. I think
of his arms open and ready to embrace you. I

(14:29):
think of his atoning sacrifice done for you. I think
of how he made that infinite sacrifice for you and
for me, and I feel so immensely grateful. Because of him,
we can see each other again. I don't know if
you noticed, but I don't think I ever said goodbye.
I almost always said see you next time. I believe

(14:51):
there will be a next time. I believe we will
be able to reunite and rejoice together. I believe I
will get the opportunity to embrace you again. I'm so
excited for that day. So, my dear friends, stay strong
and stay true. I hope you always remember how much
you are loved and how cherished you are. I hope
you remember that you have the power to change live

(15:12):
and alter eternities for the better. I hope you know
that I will always love you and will always be
grateful to you. Please don't give up, and if you
feel your faith failing. Remember it only takes a mustard seed,
for a mustard seed of faith can move mountains. Matthew
seventeen twenty says, if ye have faith as a grain
of mustard seed, ye shall stay unto this mountain, remove

(15:35):
hence to yonder place, and it shall remove, and nothing
shall be impossible unto you. Trust in the Lord, and
he shall direct thy paths. I promise. I want you
to know that I love him. I love him so
much it hurts when I think of him. I want
to hug and rejoice with him. I want to cry
and express my genuine gratitude for his love and sacrifice.

(15:57):
I want to thank him for sacrificing himself for you
and for me. I want to express to him how
hard I work to love him, and tell him that
a relationship will always be special to me. Although waiting
and waiting for this love to come was the absolute worst,
the love has finally arrived. It finally broke through the
wall along my heart, and nothing and no one can

(16:21):
take it away from me, Absolutely nothing. Russell M. Nelson said,
no one can ever take away a witness born to
your heart and mind about what is true. I couldn't
have said it better myself. Another one of the miracles
that occurred at FSY was when a session director shared
the story of the woman with the blood disease. You see,
there are a plethora of stories in the scriptures that

(16:42):
show Christ's goodness, mercy and love. But this story, at
this time, at this place, told by this man, is
when a miracle commenced. Why because I was ready to
hear it, because the session director told it in a
way that was hard to miss. In the process of
going to heal a sick young girl, the daughter of

(17:04):
the man leading Jesus to his house Gyrus, a woman
touched his garments. She was hoping for a miracle. She
was hoping to be healed of this terrible and horrific
blood disease. And when Jesus felt this touch, he took
the time and the effort to stop, make sure she
was okay, acknowledge her faith, and then go on to

(17:26):
heal the man's sick daughter. He felt a little bit
of virtue leave him, and he wanted to make sure
that the woman didn't spend the rest of her life
feeling guilty for stealing some of the Saviour's power. He
wanted to ensure that she knew that her faith had
made her whole. He said, Daughter, be of good comfort.
Thy faith hath made THEE whole Matthew nine twenty two.

(17:48):
When that session director shared that story with us, emphasizing
that Jesus took the time to make sure she knew
she was loved, it just about broke my heart and
then healed it it right there on the spot. And
from that moment on, my love, my gratitude, my appreciation,
and my abounding joy for him has grown multiplied, It

(18:11):
became something beautiful and continues to grow and develop. And
once again, my favorite part about all this is that
absolutely no one can take it away from me. My
little seven year old sister, she's ten now, isn't that crazy? Okay? Sorry?
My little seven year old sister said the prayer over
breakfast one morning, and in the prayer she said, please

(18:32):
know that we all love you Jesus. Isn't she so cute?
And I stood thereafter she said it men and agreed,
I do love Jesus. I can sincerely and genuinely and
honestly say that I agree. I've never been able to
say that before. I've never been able to agree to
such a sweet and simple sentiment. But I could that

(18:54):
day because now my love for him is inscribed into
my soul. For him is cemented into my heart, and
it will be for forever more. I feel like I
should say, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen, even
though I didn't close the post like that, all right,
so I told you to stick around. The post has read.

(19:14):
Just read it, And like I said, I hit that
on my blog. I wrote it, posted it, and then
covered it up with a whole bunch of other posts.
And it's not even on the first page anymore. You
have to push next in order to see it. But
I felt like reading that, and I wasn't planning on it.
I really wasn't. I wasn't planning on it until today

(19:35):
around two am or something at work. So I just
want to talk really briefly about where I've been since then.
So it's now twenty twenty five. I've done FSY two
more years, and obviously had a lot of different experiences
at fs Y and here at college, and I just
would like to say that that post in twenty twenty

(19:58):
two is so far behind where I am now. When
I posted that, I still was a little bit nervous,
not super comfortable speaking my feelings out loud. It wasn't
easy for me to say that I love my Savior.
It wasn't easy for me to say I was grateful,

(20:18):
even though I was, and even though I did, And
now that's not applicable and not even true at all,
that it was hard. That it's hard, I'm saying now.
I feel like I could shout it from the rooftops.
I feel like I could sing it every day of
my life. I feel like I could share it and
really mean it every single day. And although it is

(20:41):
true that the youth and my love for them started everything,
and that's kind of where my testimony and my love,
my gratitude for the Savior started, it is so much
more than that. Now. That was definitely part of it,
and that's where I started. But man, things have grown

(21:01):
and developed since then. And hallelujah. I am going to
do a post soon, and I'm realizing that I needed
to do this one first before I did that one.
So consider this one kind of a part one, and
that one will be kind of part two, but keep
your eye open for it. I'm not sure when I'm
going to do it, but probably within the next two

(21:23):
or three weeks, and it's going to be titled so
that they continue to matter. And I'm going to talk
about feelings that we have and how we outgrow them
or how we develop and how we grow and maybe
overcome certain feelings, but that it's important to remember how
we felt so that they continue to matter. I will always, always,

(21:47):
always have so much love and so much gratitude to
my past little self, even though she struggled and had
some serious frustration and even hatred for the Savior. I'll
never forget those feelings that I felt as a teenager

(22:10):
because I never want them to not matter, and by
remembering them and sharing them, I make them matter so
that they had a purpose, because those feelings have taught
me to truly love and appreciate the Savior in a
way that I don't think most people do because they

(22:32):
haven't had that opportunity to go from such a point,
such an opposite, such an opposite point, to the other side.
And there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, if people
can get a testimony of the Savior without all of that,
I mean, hey, more to them, and that's awesome. And

(22:53):
I guess maybe even part of me is a little jealous.
I don't know, but I do know with all of
my heart that I am not mad that I experience
those feelings. And I don't hold it against my past
self because man, she really went through it. But also
because of everything, I have genuinely gained such an appreciation

(23:15):
and love for the Savior, for Jesus Christ that I
can't even begin to explain. It is consuming, and it
is whole. It is whole. Camille Johnson just in this
recent conference talked about how we can be whole even
while we wait for healing, and I'm just so immensely

(23:37):
grateful for the Savior and I looking back, I cannot
tell you there's not time at this current moment of
time to share every single experience looking back with hindsight,
where the Savior was with me, But he was, I

(23:58):
mean I thought he wasn't. It didn't feel like he
was there. Emotionally, I couldn't feel it. I was numb,
really high absolute threshold. If you've listened to that episode
and know what I'm talking about, episode one nineteen. And
although I didn't feel like he was there, I can
look back and genuinely tell you very specific moments where

(24:19):
he most definitely was and he was there all along.
But there's proof and there's evidence. And so to close
this podcast episode with a little invitation for you, I
love to give invitations. I would really appreciate and love
if you pondered where your relationship with the Savior is,

(24:42):
where you would like it to be, and how you
want to get there, and if it takes time good.
I think when things take time, it means more to us.
Because because my love for the Savior didn't come easy,
and because I had to fight for it, it matters
the to me. There is not something that matters more

(25:02):
to me than that. And I am im mentally and
extremely and supremely grateful. One of the things that I
love about the Gospel of Jesus Christ is it's not
about this checklist of things. It's not about being good enough.
It's not about doing these things so that we can
make it to heaven or like I believed, be worthy

(25:24):
of Jesus Christ's atoning sacrifice. No, the Gospel of Jesus
Christ is about relationships and connecting and because of our covenants,
we have a relationship, a covenantal bond with the Savior
and with the Father, specifically with the Father through the Savior.

(25:46):
He has the Light, he is the Life, he is
the Way, and I know that to be true. I
love him. It's easy for me to say, no, it wasn't,
and now it is. And I'm just so excited to
see where where else my testimony goes. And I encourage
you to ponder and think about where yours is and

(26:08):
the potential for it to go and where it can come,
because I think there's any weakness in our testimony, and
any weakness in things we don't understand is just potential
room for growth, potential room for this weakness to become
a strength. And isn't that incredible. I am so grateful
for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for his atoning

(26:30):
sacrifice and for the love that he has for each
of us. And I say these things in the name
of that son, Jesus Christ. Amen. Thank you so much
for listening. Even though this is scary, don't forget to
embrace and perfection, find meaning, satisfaction and joy from the journey.
I'm Kyra and this is imperfectly broken. The podcast.

Speaker 1 (27:00):
At tat

Speaker 2 (27:06):
Down the