September 15, 2025 • 28 mins
My friends! Welcome back!
On this podcast, I’ve shared a lot—I’ve been vulnerable, silly, open, and honest.
This episode feels like a new kind of vulnerable for me. I’m not sure how it will come across, but my hope is that no matter your beliefs or politics, you’ll hear my genuine attempt to express how I’ve been feeling and why politics often trip me up.
It’s a little jumbled at times—I start to say more and then move on. That wasn’t intentional; I just got nervous, and things came out a bit messy. You’ll also notice I say, “I don’t know,” a lot. For me, that usually means I do know what I’m thinking—I just don’t know how to say it. That definitely happened in this episode. Sorry about that!
If episodes where I ramble and share my personal thoughts aren’t your favorite, I’d recommend checking out episode 211, “Trembling From Love.”
As promised, here is the link of the general conference talk I mentioned, “An High Priest of Good Things to Come.”
https://www.churchofjesuschris...
Here is a link to my table of contents: https://docs.google.com/docume...
Make sure to turn on notifications so you never miss a new episode!
On this podcast, I’ve shared a lot—I’ve been vulnerable, silly, open, and honest.
This episode feels like a new kind of vulnerable for me. I’m not sure how it will come across, but my hope is that no matter your beliefs or politics, you’ll hear my genuine attempt to express how I’ve been feeling and why politics often trip me up.
It’s a little jumbled at times—I start to say more and then move on. That wasn’t intentional; I just got nervous, and things came out a bit messy. You’ll also notice I say, “I don’t know,” a lot. For me, that usually means I do know what I’m thinking—I just don’t know how to say it. That definitely happened in this episode. Sorry about that!
If episodes where I ramble and share my personal thoughts aren’t your favorite, I’d recommend checking out episode 211, “Trembling From Love.”
As promised, here is the link of the general conference talk I mentioned, “An High Priest of Good Things to Come.”
https://www.churchofjesuschris...
Here is a link to my table of contents: https://docs.google.com/docume...
Make sure to turn on notifications so you never miss a new episode!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Hello, and welcome back to my podcast, Believe it or not.
Today I'm going to talk about something that I'm surprising
myself on, to be honest. So as i'm recording this,
it is September ninth. It's actually President Nelson's birthday, which
is awesome. So happy birthday to President Nelson. He's now
one hundred and one years old. Wild He's definitely being
(00:37):
preserved for our day because it is a hinge point
in history, according to I think Sister Runya, or it
might have been Bishop Cassey, or it might have been
Elder Taylor. I really don't remember who said that, but
someone at the YSA conference recently said that. Anyway, today
it was a hard day for me. It was hard.
The morning was fine. I woke up and and did
(01:00):
my scripture study. Lately, it's been incredible. I've been studying
for an hour to an hour and a half every day.
And this isn't just scripture study. That is scripture study
and listening to conference talks and taking detailed notes, writing
in the scriptures on my Gospel Library app and writing
(01:20):
out my purse to Heavenly Father, and all of that
adds up to an hour and an hour and a
half every day, and it's just been something that I've
built into my schedule. I always wake up early enough
so that I have time to do that, and it
really has been amazing and life changing, and I recommend
it to anyone who can do it. I know some
people's schedules are way crazier than others, so I totally
(01:43):
get that, and it can be hard to just start
off that long, but I do recommend at least five minutes,
you know, just read a verse or a chapter and
ponder it. I think an easy way to clock time
with heavenly father is through general conference talks and even
through devotionals and podcasts about heavenly fathers. So that's my
(02:08):
opinion and something that I feel strongly about. So anyway,
I did that this morning, and then I actually convinced
myself to go to the gym, which is surprising because
as I was making my bed after doing my scripture study,
it looked so inviting and I just wanted to climb
back in and go back to sleep, but I was
like no, So I went to the gym and then
(02:29):
I came home, and then I had a little telehealth
appointment with my doctor to refill meds and stuff. It's
probably a teami, but I don't really care that much.
And anxiety meds, you know, depression meds, stuff like that,
but on those for a while and they work, so
continue on right anyway, So I did that, and then
(02:52):
I had some more time. So at that point I
listened to one more general conference talk and then did
some reading from my classes, and then ate lunch and
rode my bike to class, and my hard day kind
of started once I got to class, because believe it
(03:14):
or not, I this isn't gonna be hard for you
to believe, but I shared that I had a podcast
and I only told like one or two people what
it was titled. I didn't tell everyone when it was titled.
And then I talked to her today and sat next
to her, and she told me that she had listened
to two episodes and the two episodes that she had
(03:34):
listened to were the two most recent ones. And I
don't know why, but it embarrassed me, Like I felt
so embarrassed, and I think it's because one of them.
To find what feels lost, I really seriously rambled for
like twenty minutes, and I was like, man, she's gonna
think that that is what my podcast is. I'm just
(03:55):
rambling and rambling and rambling and rambling, and there's nothing
of substance there. Now, that's just my internal thoughts. She
didn't say that. She said she thought it was really cool,
but I don't know. I just could not stop rambling
in that episode, and part of me just wanted to
lay it all out there, and that's kind of why
I recorded that one. But yeah, you don't actually get
to the spiritual thought until you're like twenty five minutes in,
(04:20):
and so I felt embarrassed about that, and I just
kind of felt, I don't know, a little bit insecure.
It was weird. Normally, when people told me they listen
to my podcast, I'm like, wow, that feels awesome because
I put a lot of work into it, you know.
And then two other girls asked me what it was called,
and I told them and so they followed it, and
I don't know if they'll listen, and honestly, if they don't,
(04:43):
maybe that's best. But they said, oh, you know, I
have lots of podcasts listen too, so we'll see if
I ever get to this. And I was like, yeah, fair,
and you know, no, stress, no worries, no pressure, none
of that. So all of that goes to say that
I went into class feeling a little bit vulnerable, which
is a little bit weird, I will admit, because normally,
(05:04):
like I said, I feel happy and grateful and I
don't know, excited when people listen to the podcast, But
I think it's hard when they're brand new to it
and they listen to an episode where I'm not like
super proud of it and obviously there's nothing on people
who listen to my podcast and not anything like that,
but it just it felt vulnerable because there's what two
(05:28):
hundred and ten episodes or something now over two hundred, right,
and now I feel like a tiny bit that there's
a pressure to not put out filler episodes. You know,
I don't know something I'm thinking about. So I went
into class and then class was about theory, and it
was about the importance of theory and about how theory
(05:50):
helps us understand the world and helps us make predictions
about things and put context pieces together and see why
something's important or not important, and you name it. Theory
is important and I don't know why, but my brain
was having the hardest time understanding and grasping the concepts.
(06:12):
I just had a hard time, actually I don't know
swallowing what she was saying, Like, I just had a
hard time understanding. And so during the class, I just
kind of felt dumb. And that kind of makes me
feel bad. That kind of makes me sound bad because
it sounds like I always understand what teachers are talking about,
and I don't. I definitely don't. But today I don't know.
(06:33):
I just kind of got in got into my head
that I just I couldn't put things together. I wasn't
really understanding, I couldn't remember certain things, and I just
felt bad. And I think what's hard about feeling and
having a hard day is sometimes there's external things that
make a day hard, right, like maybe your tire and
(06:56):
your bike goes flat, or you find out something that's unfortunate,
or you get bad news or whatever, and then there's
that internal thing where you are struggling and wrestling with
your identity or part of who you are, or you
feel disappointed with yourself. You know, there's a difference between
external and internal things, and so today I felt like
(07:17):
there was some internal battle of I couldn't remember things.
I felt like I don't know that. I was just
not measuring up and that was hard. And then closer
to the end of class, we started talking about politics,
and it was like a responsible conversation. It wasn't that
we suddenly all got heeded none of that. But I
(07:38):
don't know, I just politics have always kind of made
me feel weird inside, because I mean, of course, we
all have certain beliefs in things, beliefs and assumptions and
ideas about different politics, and obviously I'm no exception to that.
But when people ask me what my politics are, most
of the time I bow out and I just say
(08:01):
my politics are whatever is aligned with the Church of
Jesus Christ tolat today saints like my politics follow the gospel,
and people are like, okay, come on, now, you know,
and so then I say, okay, I lean a little
bit more right, but I'm not conservative anyway. So today
we were talking about how in the social scientists world,
which means researchers basically that research social issues or family
(08:26):
issues or just things about family and life and you
know family, the School of Family life, that kind of stuff.
So researchers that research family and religion and relationships culture,
that's all that's all social science scientists, Okay. So anyway,
(08:48):
we talked about how social scientists nowadays, and specifically professors,
are more liberal nowadays. So the statistics that they were
showing us said there's a to one ratio, but then
the professor added that it's updated now and within the
social scientist it's actually seventeen to one. I was also
(09:08):
talking to a different professor a different day, a few
days after this, and he said that it's probably even
bigger than that, that the ratio is probably even bigger
than seventeen to one, And I don't know. It was
kind of hard because we were talking about BYU as
if it's this really really conservative school, but I don't
(09:31):
feel like it is. I mean, don't get me wrong.
All of the classes we start with a prayer and
we talk about the Gospel, and I love it, but
we also talk about other things and people have other views,
and so I just felt like, I don't know, can
you tell that I don't even know how to get
how I'm feeling out. I recorded this almost a week
(09:54):
ago on September ninth, like I said, and I'm listening
back before I post it for tomorrow, and even still
I'm like, oh, this is kind of vulnerable to post.
And a whole weeks happened since this event or this day,
and even still I'm trying to process all of it.
But yeah, I don't know. I just kind of felt
a little bit overwhelmed. Let's see what else I say,
because I don't know at this point. And then we
(10:17):
broke up into little groups and we're talking about our
politics and what we thought, and a couple of the
girls said that they lean more left, which is totally
cool and awesome. But then I just I don't know
how this identity crisis of what do I believe? Where
am I? Who am I what matters? And it's hard
(10:38):
because I value people, I value life, I value a
good life, I value growth. I mean, if you've listened
to this podcast, you don't. But I want what's best
for others, and I want others to have opportunities too,
you know what I'm saying. But then that's more of
a liberal view. But also I don't want to to
(11:00):
be a political view. I just want it to be
you know what I'm saying. So that was really hard
and it kind of felt like conservatives don't believe in that,
and I'm not even conservative. I just kind of lean
a little bit more right. But I do want people
to be happy and have experiences and have every opportunity.
(11:22):
And it just kind of felt like I don't know
that I didn't. Yeah, I kind of felt stressed and overwhelmed,
and honestly, saying this all to you right now is
very vulnerable. And I'm kind of surprised that I'm saying
this because any one of my classmates and my cohort
could listen to this and I don't know, be offended.
I'm not trying to offend anyone, though, and I'm not
trying to stay something about myself that's not true. My
(11:45):
whole point is that I wasn't sure what I wanted
to be true and what I wanted to believe. Because
I want to come from a place of humility to
understand people and for people to have opportunities. It's just
so hard. In fact, one of the interesting things about
the interview questions to get into graduate school is they
(12:07):
asked I can't remember how they worded it, but they
asked a question about how you what do you do
if something comes across your life or whatever that doesn't
align with what you believe, and how do you reconcile that?
And so I talked about cognitive dissonance, which is basically
(12:28):
when you have to put opposing views in your mind
that you both know are true, but they don't agree
with each other, it's kind of uncomfortable. So that's kind
of a psychology term. It's called cognitive dissonance. It's not
kind of a psychology term, it is a psychology term.
And then I also talked about how I don't need
to know the truth and I don't need to know
(12:49):
the answer to every single thing because God knows and
God understands, and that is enough for me. And then
I also talked about I was drilled into me example
example example show Don't Tell, shil Don't Tell, Schild Don't Tell.
And so I talked about how I was a facilitator
over this group class and there's a queer person in
our group, and how I came to realize in that
(13:10):
class that two very opposing things could both be true
at the same time, and these are what they are.
I could acknowledge accept as truth as true as the
other one. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
day Saints, both the culture and the doctrine is hurtful
(13:31):
to those in the LGBTQ community, And a friend even
pointed this out to me. She said, Kira, think celestial
can be a hurtful phrase to some in that community,
because for them, a celestial life and celestial kingdom is
marriage between a man and a woman. And I was like, WHOA.
(13:53):
I just assumed that when you heard think celestial, it
would be a positive thing, right, think celestial. And don't
get me wrong, I don't think it's a negative thing
by any means. But she did bring to my mind
that she did bring to my attention that something that
I just assume to be true and positive and good
is hurtful to someone else. And I was like, oh, so, my,
(14:17):
you know, my perspective and my perception of life expanded
a little bit, right, So that can be true. I
can accept and acknowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ
of Lati Day Saints, both the culture and the doctrine
can be hurtful and harmful to those in the queer community,
to those that are LGBTQ, right, And then I can
(14:38):
also acknowledge, accept and state that I know that the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is true,
and that I have a testimony in the Gospel, and
I have a testimony in Christ, and I have a
testimony in the Plan of Salvation, and I have a
testimony and think celestial right. So both of those things
can be true at the same time time, and it's
(15:01):
a little bit uncomfortable because they oppose each other a
little bit, right, Well, A lot of that goes to
say that I am still trying to figure out the
cognitive dissonance in my mind of what I know to
be true and what I am learning that is also true.
You know what I'm saying, Like it's hard, It's really hard,
(15:24):
and my brain was hurting today a lot, and I
kind of questioned, I don't know, like at some point
I just got this message, whether it was internal explicit, implicit, implicit,
it's not a word implicit. What if that people who
leaned more right were bad people and heartless people and
(15:47):
da da da da da, And whether or not that
is what people are saying. I'm not saying that that's
what people said, but I got that message in my mind,
which then made me kind of attack who I was,
And then I wasn't really sure and then I felt
really confused and it was just very stressful. So after
getting home from class, I actually walked out and another
(16:08):
girl from the cohort was walking out and I kind
of just, I don't know, she could see that something
was off, and actually I was just about to cry,
like their tears were just really close to my eyes,
and I just felt really emotional and I wanted to
go hide in the bathroom and cry, or I wanted
to go hide somewhere on campus and cry or something.
I just really felt like this need to just cry.
(16:30):
I just felt really sad and confused. And she was
really kind and she just, you know, said what do
you think about all of that? And I kind of
just expressed that I was confused and I didn't really
even know what I was thinking, you know, like I
just felt overwhelmed. And she was very patient, very kind
and just listened and then gave me a little I
(16:52):
can't remember exactly what she said, but it was very
reassuring and kind, and we parted ways, and then I
got on my bike and I put in Dave Butler
and Stefan Tager's podcast Revival. I had listened to half
of it on my bike to school, and I listened
to the rest of it on the way home. I
actually rewinded by like five minutes so that it would
(17:14):
cover my entire bike ride home. So I re listened
to the five minutes or so of it, and it
was interesting re listening to part of the episode after
that experiencing class. I don't know, there was just a
couple of things that stood out to me differently. So
it's interesting how we when we re listened to things
with a different lens or a different mindset, that we
(17:37):
just different things stand out to us. So anyway, rode
home and then I got home and I grabbed a
Greek yogurt and I laid on my bed and I
ate my Greek yogurt, and I turned on the General
Conference talk from a long time ago. I don't remember when.
I'll look it up, but it's by Jeffrey R. Holland,
(17:59):
and it's a called and high Priest of good things
to come October nineteen ninety nine. Isn't that wild? And
I think it's from a scripture, which is why the
grammar is not one hundred percent correct. But it's not
a high priest of good things to come. It's and
high Priest the good things to come. But basically what
Elder Holland talks about then Elder Holland now he's President Holland,
(18:22):
but at the time he talks about how life is
just hard and how Jesus Christ another name for him,
is a and high priest of good things to come,
and he talks about how there are good things to come.
And one of the things that he says is some
blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come
until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of
(18:43):
Jesus Christ, they come. And I one hundred percent, one
and ten million percent recommend you go listen to that talk.
It's very good. If I remember, I'll link it on
this podcast episode. But I listened to that while I
laid on my bed and just tears just streamed down
my eyes. Why I listen to it, and then I
set an alarm to make sure I was ready to
go to the temple, because actually it was inspired this morning.
(19:06):
I had switched my temple appointment from Thursday to today
after school after class, and so I had a temple appointment.
So after I listened to this talk, I closed my eyes.
I think I drifted for like ten minutes. My alarm
went off. I got up and I drove to the temple.
So I did ceilings in the temple, and while I
(19:26):
was there, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing,
and then I also got the idea to get a
priestly blessing, so fast forward. I had a wonderful time
in the temple and it was just a very sweet experience. Oh,
I skipped something. So when I was in, after I
(19:46):
did ceilings, I went to the celestial Room. I sat
there and I just prayed and I flipped open the
Book of Mormon and I flipped two articles of Faith
and I read through all of them, and when I
got to thirteen, it talks about believing in anything that
is honest, true, chaste, benevolent, of good report, praiseworthy. I'm
(20:09):
not remembering all of them and I'm not reading it,
but I was like, this, this is my politics. Article
of faith number thirteen. I believe in anything honest, true, chaste, benevolent,
of good report, praiseworthy. And that just felt right to me.
So that's what I've decided. I don't know what article
(20:32):
of faith thirteen, what that political identity is called maybe
just disciple of Christ. But I think what's hard about
that is that you can be a disciple of Christ
and you can believe the Gospel to be true and
be anywhere on the political spectrum, like they can be
totally independent things of each other. And it's just really interesting,
(20:53):
you know anyway, So that's all of that, and I
hope that you recognize that as I'm talking, I am
not trying to burn any pitches or turn anything to
flame or fire or anything like that. I don't want
to do that. I just am being vulnerable and being
honest with what I was thinking. And it's scary, especially
(21:15):
because I know someone in my core could listen to this,
and I don't want them to think anything about me
that isn't true. But I also have to let go
that people are going to have their own perceptions and
perspectives of me, and that's okay. And that's okay because
as long as I know who I am, and I'm
striving to be the best person that I can be,
(21:37):
to become better than I was yesterday, to be better
this year than I was the last, and better next
year than I am this year, more understanding more empathetic,
more curious, more kind, more compassionate, as long as I
am doing my best to become like the Savior, which
is definitely not going to be a perfect progress and
(21:58):
it's not going to be perfect endeavor and it's gonna
be probably really messy. But as long as I am
doing my best, it doesn't matter what other people think
of me. And that's hard. That's something I'm still trying
to swallow. That's something I'm still trying to accept, and
it's scary and it's hard, and I don't know how
I feel about everything, but I think that's part of
(22:20):
the journey, is figuring it out. Okay, the other thing
that I'm gonna share, And by the way, all of
this is basically just rambling and storytelling. So that's awkward
that I felt embarrassed that someone had listened to me rambling,
and then I create an episode responding to me being
embarrassed with an episode with further rambling. So that's really cute.
(22:41):
Go team. Anyway, I was just gonna finish, so I
got home, I actually had I made dinner, ate dinner,
and then my room or my friend next door had
a little game night, so I did that, and then
I had reached out earlier to someone in my ward
for a priest blessing. So he and two of his
friends came over and he gave me a priest of blessing.
(23:04):
And what was really interesting in this blessing that kind
of blew my mind was at the very first too,
the very first two things he said. Is that right,
the very first two things. That sounds right, right, The
very two things first? No, yeah, the very first two
things he said was that Heavenly Father loves me, and
Heavenly Father is proud of me. And that blew my
(23:28):
mind because I am very, very blessed and very grateful
that I get to feel the spirit pretty often, and
when I feel it, I keep track of it. So
I will take a screenshot on my phone and write
the little message, or I'll screenshot the time on my
watch and then go back and remember, do my best
to remember. It's not perfect, but I'll go back and
(23:50):
enter it into my notes on my phone. Anyway, one
of the things that I am blessed to hear every
once in a while, and not all the time, but
every once in a while is I'm proud of you.
I know logically that the messages that I feel from
the spirit and the messages from a priest of blessing
come from the same source, and they're the same person.
(24:12):
They come from the Godhead, right, they come from Heavenly
Father and Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost. But to
hear that today and the blessing without even thinking Heavenly
Father loves me and is proud of me, that just
kind of blew my mind that they go together, and
I love that. And then my very last thing that
I will close with is that one girl in my
(24:35):
cohort that walked out with me and just listened with
compassion and love texted me tonight and she said that
she was in the temple and read DNC one twelve
and read verses four through eleven, and she thought of me,
and then she said, I believe the Lord has a
great plan for you. And that was really comforting. And
(24:57):
so one of the things that that says is verse
twelve or verse ten, specifically, be thou humble, and the
Lord thy God shall lead THEE by the hand and
give THEE answer to thy prayers. On eleven says I
know thy heart and have heard thy prayers concerning thy brethren,
(25:18):
be not partial toward them in love above many others.
But let thy love be for them as for thyself,
and let that love abound unto all men and unto
all who love my name. And that blew my mind.
It really really blew my mind. And I was really
grateful that she reached out and sent me those that
scripture verse four through eleven. I promise you that the
(25:43):
Lord cares about you. That seems like a total shift
in topic, but it's not. Come with me here. I
know that you've spent the last twenty six minus shits
twenty five minutes, twenty six minutes listening to me ramble
so that you could hear that having Father knows your
heart and has heard your prayers, and that he will
(26:06):
lead you and guide you and give you answers to
your prayers. I am grateful that I have this opportunity
to share my life and my experiences and things that
I'm learning with you. I think it's a really wonderful
gift that I've been given and I've cultivated, and I'm
(26:27):
grateful for the opportunity to learn and to grow with you.
And I hope that you can be patient with me
as I do it. Finally, I really recommend that you
go listen to the talk and High Priest of good
Things to come from October nineteen ninety nine by Elder
(26:48):
jeff Y R. Holland. It's so good to finish up.
I know that good things are to come, that hard
times end, and that the hard times refine us into
someone new, and I am really grateful for that. And
I know that my hard day was just a hard
day and it's not gonna last forever. I already feel better,
(27:12):
especially after going to the temple. And I know that
as we stand in holy places, as we stand with
holy people, and as we spend time doing holy things,
our lives will be better and the hard things will
be less hard, or we'll just be stronger to deal
with the hard things. Both could be true. I know
Heavenly Father loves you, is aware of you and want
(27:33):
answer your purse. And I say these things in the
name of Jesus Christ. Daemen. Thank you so much for listening,
especially because with a lot of rambling and actually kind
of vulnerable in a way that I didn't expect it
to be. Don't forget to embrace imperfection, find meaning, satisfaction
and joy from the Journey. I'm Kira and this is
imperfectly broken. The podcast The Rising and Taking at
Hello, and welcome back to my podcast, Believe it or not.
Today I'm going to talk about something that I'm surprising
myself on, to be honest. So as i'm recording this,
it is September ninth. It's actually President Nelson's birthday, which
is awesome. So happy birthday to President Nelson. He's now
one hundred and one years old. Wild He's definitely being
(00:37):
preserved for our day because it is a hinge point
in history, according to I think Sister Runya, or it
might have been Bishop Cassey, or it might have been
Elder Taylor. I really don't remember who said that, but
someone at the YSA conference recently said that. Anyway, today
it was a hard day for me. It was hard.
The morning was fine. I woke up and and did
(01:00):
my scripture study. Lately, it's been incredible. I've been studying
for an hour to an hour and a half every day.
And this isn't just scripture study. That is scripture study
and listening to conference talks and taking detailed notes, writing
in the scriptures on my Gospel Library app and writing
(01:20):
out my purse to Heavenly Father, and all of that
adds up to an hour and an hour and a
half every day, and it's just been something that I've
built into my schedule. I always wake up early enough
so that I have time to do that, and it
really has been amazing and life changing, and I recommend
it to anyone who can do it. I know some
people's schedules are way crazier than others, so I totally
(01:43):
get that, and it can be hard to just start
off that long, but I do recommend at least five minutes,
you know, just read a verse or a chapter and
ponder it. I think an easy way to clock time
with heavenly father is through general conference talks and even
through devotionals and podcasts about heavenly fathers. So that's my
(02:08):
opinion and something that I feel strongly about. So anyway,
I did that this morning, and then I actually convinced
myself to go to the gym, which is surprising because
as I was making my bed after doing my scripture study,
it looked so inviting and I just wanted to climb
back in and go back to sleep, but I was
like no, So I went to the gym and then
(02:29):
I came home, and then I had a little telehealth
appointment with my doctor to refill meds and stuff. It's
probably a teami, but I don't really care that much.
And anxiety meds, you know, depression meds, stuff like that,
but on those for a while and they work, so
continue on right anyway, So I did that, and then
(02:52):
I had some more time. So at that point I
listened to one more general conference talk and then did
some reading from my classes, and then ate lunch and
rode my bike to class, and my hard day kind
of started once I got to class, because believe it
(03:14):
or not, I this isn't gonna be hard for you
to believe, but I shared that I had a podcast
and I only told like one or two people what
it was titled. I didn't tell everyone when it was titled.
And then I talked to her today and sat next
to her, and she told me that she had listened
to two episodes and the two episodes that she had
(03:34):
listened to were the two most recent ones. And I
don't know why, but it embarrassed me, Like I felt
so embarrassed, and I think it's because one of them.
To find what feels lost, I really seriously rambled for
like twenty minutes, and I was like, man, she's gonna
think that that is what my podcast is. I'm just
(03:55):
rambling and rambling and rambling and rambling, and there's nothing
of substance there. Now, that's just my internal thoughts. She
didn't say that. She said she thought it was really cool,
but I don't know. I just could not stop rambling
in that episode, and part of me just wanted to
lay it all out there, and that's kind of why
I recorded that one. But yeah, you don't actually get
to the spiritual thought until you're like twenty five minutes in,
(04:20):
and so I felt embarrassed about that, and I just
kind of felt, I don't know, a little bit insecure.
It was weird. Normally, when people told me they listen
to my podcast, I'm like, wow, that feels awesome because
I put a lot of work into it, you know.
And then two other girls asked me what it was called,
and I told them and so they followed it, and
I don't know if they'll listen, and honestly, if they don't,
(04:43):
maybe that's best. But they said, oh, you know, I
have lots of podcasts listen too, so we'll see if
I ever get to this. And I was like, yeah, fair,
and you know, no, stress, no worries, no pressure, none
of that. So all of that goes to say that
I went into class feeling a little bit vulnerable, which
is a little bit weird, I will admit, because normally,
(05:04):
like I said, I feel happy and grateful and I
don't know, excited when people listen to the podcast, But
I think it's hard when they're brand new to it
and they listen to an episode where I'm not like
super proud of it and obviously there's nothing on people
who listen to my podcast and not anything like that,
but it just it felt vulnerable because there's what two
(05:28):
hundred and ten episodes or something now over two hundred, right,
and now I feel like a tiny bit that there's
a pressure to not put out filler episodes. You know,
I don't know something I'm thinking about. So I went
into class and then class was about theory, and it
was about the importance of theory and about how theory
(05:50):
helps us understand the world and helps us make predictions
about things and put context pieces together and see why
something's important or not important, and you name it. Theory
is important and I don't know why, but my brain
was having the hardest time understanding and grasping the concepts.
(06:12):
I just had a hard time, actually I don't know
swallowing what she was saying, Like, I just had a
hard time understanding. And so during the class, I just
kind of felt dumb. And that kind of makes me
feel bad. That kind of makes me sound bad because
it sounds like I always understand what teachers are talking about,
and I don't. I definitely don't. But today I don't know.
(06:33):
I just kind of got in got into my head
that I just I couldn't put things together. I wasn't
really understanding, I couldn't remember certain things, and I just
felt bad. And I think what's hard about feeling and
having a hard day is sometimes there's external things that
make a day hard, right, like maybe your tire and
(06:56):
your bike goes flat, or you find out something that's unfortunate,
or you get bad news or whatever, and then there's
that internal thing where you are struggling and wrestling with
your identity or part of who you are, or you
feel disappointed with yourself. You know, there's a difference between
external and internal things, and so today I felt like
(07:17):
there was some internal battle of I couldn't remember things.
I felt like I don't know that. I was just
not measuring up and that was hard. And then closer
to the end of class, we started talking about politics,
and it was like a responsible conversation. It wasn't that
we suddenly all got heeded none of that. But I
(07:38):
don't know, I just politics have always kind of made
me feel weird inside, because I mean, of course, we
all have certain beliefs in things, beliefs and assumptions and
ideas about different politics, and obviously I'm no exception to that.
But when people ask me what my politics are, most
of the time I bow out and I just say
(08:01):
my politics are whatever is aligned with the Church of
Jesus Christ tolat today saints like my politics follow the gospel,
and people are like, okay, come on, now, you know,
and so then I say, okay, I lean a little
bit more right, but I'm not conservative anyway. So today
we were talking about how in the social scientists world,
which means researchers basically that research social issues or family
(08:26):
issues or just things about family and life and you
know family, the School of Family life, that kind of stuff.
So researchers that research family and religion and relationships culture,
that's all that's all social science scientists, Okay. So anyway,
(08:48):
we talked about how social scientists nowadays, and specifically professors,
are more liberal nowadays. So the statistics that they were
showing us said there's a to one ratio, but then
the professor added that it's updated now and within the
social scientist it's actually seventeen to one. I was also
(09:08):
talking to a different professor a different day, a few
days after this, and he said that it's probably even
bigger than that, that the ratio is probably even bigger
than seventeen to one, And I don't know. It was
kind of hard because we were talking about BYU as
if it's this really really conservative school, but I don't
(09:31):
feel like it is. I mean, don't get me wrong.
All of the classes we start with a prayer and
we talk about the Gospel, and I love it, but
we also talk about other things and people have other views,
and so I just felt like, I don't know, can
you tell that I don't even know how to get
how I'm feeling out. I recorded this almost a week
(09:54):
ago on September ninth, like I said, and I'm listening
back before I post it for tomorrow, and even still
I'm like, oh, this is kind of vulnerable to post.
And a whole weeks happened since this event or this day,
and even still I'm trying to process all of it.
But yeah, I don't know. I just kind of felt
a little bit overwhelmed. Let's see what else I say,
because I don't know at this point. And then we
(10:17):
broke up into little groups and we're talking about our
politics and what we thought, and a couple of the
girls said that they lean more left, which is totally
cool and awesome. But then I just I don't know
how this identity crisis of what do I believe? Where
am I? Who am I what matters? And it's hard
(10:38):
because I value people, I value life, I value a
good life, I value growth. I mean, if you've listened
to this podcast, you don't. But I want what's best
for others, and I want others to have opportunities too,
you know what I'm saying. But then that's more of
a liberal view. But also I don't want to to
(11:00):
be a political view. I just want it to be
you know what I'm saying. So that was really hard
and it kind of felt like conservatives don't believe in that,
and I'm not even conservative. I just kind of lean
a little bit more right. But I do want people
to be happy and have experiences and have every opportunity.
(11:22):
And it just kind of felt like I don't know
that I didn't. Yeah, I kind of felt stressed and overwhelmed,
and honestly, saying this all to you right now is
very vulnerable. And I'm kind of surprised that I'm saying
this because any one of my classmates and my cohort
could listen to this and I don't know, be offended.
I'm not trying to offend anyone, though, and I'm not
trying to stay something about myself that's not true. My
(11:45):
whole point is that I wasn't sure what I wanted
to be true and what I wanted to believe. Because
I want to come from a place of humility to
understand people and for people to have opportunities. It's just
so hard. In fact, one of the interesting things about
the interview questions to get into graduate school is they
(12:07):
asked I can't remember how they worded it, but they
asked a question about how you what do you do
if something comes across your life or whatever that doesn't
align with what you believe, and how do you reconcile that?
And so I talked about cognitive dissonance, which is basically
(12:28):
when you have to put opposing views in your mind
that you both know are true, but they don't agree
with each other, it's kind of uncomfortable. So that's kind
of a psychology term. It's called cognitive dissonance. It's not
kind of a psychology term, it is a psychology term.
And then I also talked about how I don't need
to know the truth and I don't need to know
(12:49):
the answer to every single thing because God knows and
God understands, and that is enough for me. And then
I also talked about I was drilled into me example
example example show Don't Tell, shil Don't Tell, Schild Don't Tell.
And so I talked about how I was a facilitator
over this group class and there's a queer person in
our group, and how I came to realize in that
(13:10):
class that two very opposing things could both be true
at the same time, and these are what they are.
I could acknowledge accept as truth as true as the
other one. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
day Saints, both the culture and the doctrine is hurtful
(13:31):
to those in the LGBTQ community, And a friend even
pointed this out to me. She said, Kira, think celestial
can be a hurtful phrase to some in that community,
because for them, a celestial life and celestial kingdom is
marriage between a man and a woman. And I was like, WHOA.
(13:53):
I just assumed that when you heard think celestial, it
would be a positive thing, right, think celestial. And don't
get me wrong, I don't think it's a negative thing
by any means. But she did bring to my mind
that she did bring to my attention that something that
I just assume to be true and positive and good
is hurtful to someone else. And I was like, oh, so, my,
(14:17):
you know, my perspective and my perception of life expanded
a little bit, right, So that can be true. I
can accept and acknowledge that the Church of Jesus Christ
of Lati Day Saints, both the culture and the doctrine
can be hurtful and harmful to those in the queer community,
to those that are LGBTQ, right, And then I can
(14:38):
also acknowledge, accept and state that I know that the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is true,
and that I have a testimony in the Gospel, and
I have a testimony in Christ, and I have a
testimony in the Plan of Salvation, and I have a
testimony and think celestial right. So both of those things
can be true at the same time time, and it's
(15:01):
a little bit uncomfortable because they oppose each other a
little bit, right, Well, A lot of that goes to
say that I am still trying to figure out the
cognitive dissonance in my mind of what I know to
be true and what I am learning that is also true.
You know what I'm saying, Like it's hard, It's really hard,
(15:24):
and my brain was hurting today a lot, and I
kind of questioned, I don't know, like at some point
I just got this message, whether it was internal explicit, implicit, implicit,
it's not a word implicit. What if that people who
leaned more right were bad people and heartless people and
(15:47):
da da da da da, And whether or not that
is what people are saying. I'm not saying that that's
what people said, but I got that message in my mind,
which then made me kind of attack who I was,
And then I wasn't really sure and then I felt
really confused and it was just very stressful. So after
getting home from class, I actually walked out and another
(16:08):
girl from the cohort was walking out and I kind
of just, I don't know, she could see that something
was off, and actually I was just about to cry,
like their tears were just really close to my eyes,
and I just felt really emotional and I wanted to
go hide in the bathroom and cry, or I wanted
to go hide somewhere on campus and cry or something.
I just really felt like this need to just cry.
(16:30):
I just felt really sad and confused. And she was
really kind and she just, you know, said what do
you think about all of that? And I kind of
just expressed that I was confused and I didn't really
even know what I was thinking, you know, like I
just felt overwhelmed. And she was very patient, very kind
and just listened and then gave me a little I
(16:52):
can't remember exactly what she said, but it was very
reassuring and kind, and we parted ways, and then I
got on my bike and I put in Dave Butler
and Stefan Tager's podcast Revival. I had listened to half
of it on my bike to school, and I listened
to the rest of it on the way home. I
actually rewinded by like five minutes so that it would
(17:14):
cover my entire bike ride home. So I re listened
to the five minutes or so of it, and it
was interesting re listening to part of the episode after
that experiencing class. I don't know, there was just a
couple of things that stood out to me differently. So
it's interesting how we when we re listened to things
with a different lens or a different mindset, that we
(17:37):
just different things stand out to us. So anyway, rode
home and then I got home and I grabbed a
Greek yogurt and I laid on my bed and I
ate my Greek yogurt, and I turned on the General
Conference talk from a long time ago. I don't remember when.
I'll look it up, but it's by Jeffrey R. Holland,
(17:59):
and it's a called and high Priest of good things
to come October nineteen ninety nine. Isn't that wild? And
I think it's from a scripture, which is why the
grammar is not one hundred percent correct. But it's not
a high priest of good things to come. It's and
high Priest the good things to come. But basically what
Elder Holland talks about then Elder Holland now he's President Holland,
(18:22):
but at the time he talks about how life is
just hard and how Jesus Christ another name for him,
is a and high priest of good things to come,
and he talks about how there are good things to come.
And one of the things that he says is some
blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come
until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of
(18:43):
Jesus Christ, they come. And I one hundred percent, one
and ten million percent recommend you go listen to that talk.
It's very good. If I remember, I'll link it on
this podcast episode. But I listened to that while I
laid on my bed and just tears just streamed down
my eyes. Why I listen to it, and then I
set an alarm to make sure I was ready to
go to the temple, because actually it was inspired this morning.
(19:06):
I had switched my temple appointment from Thursday to today
after school after class, and so I had a temple appointment.
So after I listened to this talk, I closed my eyes.
I think I drifted for like ten minutes. My alarm
went off. I got up and I drove to the temple.
So I did ceilings in the temple, and while I
(19:26):
was there, I felt prompted to read my patriarchal blessing,
and then I also got the idea to get a
priestly blessing, so fast forward. I had a wonderful time
in the temple and it was just a very sweet experience. Oh,
I skipped something. So when I was in, after I
(19:46):
did ceilings, I went to the celestial Room. I sat
there and I just prayed and I flipped open the
Book of Mormon and I flipped two articles of Faith
and I read through all of them, and when I
got to thirteen, it talks about believing in anything that
is honest, true, chaste, benevolent, of good report, praiseworthy. I'm
(20:09):
not remembering all of them and I'm not reading it,
but I was like, this, this is my politics. Article
of faith number thirteen. I believe in anything honest, true, chaste, benevolent,
of good report, praiseworthy. And that just felt right to me.
So that's what I've decided. I don't know what article
(20:32):
of faith thirteen, what that political identity is called maybe
just disciple of Christ. But I think what's hard about
that is that you can be a disciple of Christ
and you can believe the Gospel to be true and
be anywhere on the political spectrum, like they can be
totally independent things of each other. And it's just really interesting,
(20:53):
you know anyway, So that's all of that, and I
hope that you recognize that as I'm talking, I am
not trying to burn any pitches or turn anything to
flame or fire or anything like that. I don't want
to do that. I just am being vulnerable and being
honest with what I was thinking. And it's scary, especially
(21:15):
because I know someone in my core could listen to this,
and I don't want them to think anything about me
that isn't true. But I also have to let go
that people are going to have their own perceptions and
perspectives of me, and that's okay. And that's okay because
as long as I know who I am, and I'm
striving to be the best person that I can be,
(21:37):
to become better than I was yesterday, to be better
this year than I was the last, and better next
year than I am this year, more understanding more empathetic,
more curious, more kind, more compassionate, as long as I
am doing my best to become like the Savior, which
is definitely not going to be a perfect progress and
(21:58):
it's not going to be perfect endeavor and it's gonna
be probably really messy. But as long as I am
doing my best, it doesn't matter what other people think
of me. And that's hard. That's something I'm still trying
to swallow. That's something I'm still trying to accept, and
it's scary and it's hard, and I don't know how
I feel about everything, but I think that's part of
(22:20):
the journey, is figuring it out. Okay, the other thing
that I'm gonna share, And by the way, all of
this is basically just rambling and storytelling. So that's awkward
that I felt embarrassed that someone had listened to me rambling,
and then I create an episode responding to me being
embarrassed with an episode with further rambling. So that's really cute.
(22:41):
Go team. Anyway, I was just gonna finish, so I
got home, I actually had I made dinner, ate dinner,
and then my room or my friend next door had
a little game night, so I did that, and then
I had reached out earlier to someone in my ward
for a priest blessing. So he and two of his
friends came over and he gave me a priest of blessing.
(23:04):
And what was really interesting in this blessing that kind
of blew my mind was at the very first too,
the very first two things he said. Is that right,
the very first two things. That sounds right, right, The
very two things first? No, yeah, the very first two
things he said was that Heavenly Father loves me, and
Heavenly Father is proud of me. And that blew my
(23:28):
mind because I am very, very blessed and very grateful
that I get to feel the spirit pretty often, and
when I feel it, I keep track of it. So
I will take a screenshot on my phone and write
the little message, or I'll screenshot the time on my
watch and then go back and remember, do my best
to remember. It's not perfect, but I'll go back and
(23:50):
enter it into my notes on my phone. Anyway, one
of the things that I am blessed to hear every
once in a while, and not all the time, but
every once in a while is I'm proud of you.
I know logically that the messages that I feel from
the spirit and the messages from a priest of blessing
come from the same source, and they're the same person.
(24:12):
They come from the Godhead, right, they come from Heavenly
Father and Jesus Christ through the Holy Ghost. But to
hear that today and the blessing without even thinking Heavenly
Father loves me and is proud of me, that just
kind of blew my mind that they go together, and
I love that. And then my very last thing that
I will close with is that one girl in my
(24:35):
cohort that walked out with me and just listened with
compassion and love texted me tonight and she said that
she was in the temple and read DNC one twelve
and read verses four through eleven, and she thought of me,
and then she said, I believe the Lord has a
great plan for you. And that was really comforting. And
(24:57):
so one of the things that that says is verse
twelve or verse ten, specifically, be thou humble, and the
Lord thy God shall lead THEE by the hand and
give THEE answer to thy prayers. On eleven says I
know thy heart and have heard thy prayers concerning thy brethren,
(25:18):
be not partial toward them in love above many others.
But let thy love be for them as for thyself,
and let that love abound unto all men and unto
all who love my name. And that blew my mind.
It really really blew my mind. And I was really
grateful that she reached out and sent me those that
scripture verse four through eleven. I promise you that the
(25:43):
Lord cares about you. That seems like a total shift
in topic, but it's not. Come with me here. I
know that you've spent the last twenty six minus shits
twenty five minutes, twenty six minutes listening to me ramble
so that you could hear that having Father knows your
heart and has heard your prayers, and that he will
(26:06):
lead you and guide you and give you answers to
your prayers. I am grateful that I have this opportunity
to share my life and my experiences and things that
I'm learning with you. I think it's a really wonderful
gift that I've been given and I've cultivated, and I'm
(26:27):
grateful for the opportunity to learn and to grow with you.
And I hope that you can be patient with me
as I do it. Finally, I really recommend that you
go listen to the talk and High Priest of good
Things to come from October nineteen ninety nine by Elder
(26:48):
jeff Y R. Holland. It's so good to finish up.
I know that good things are to come, that hard
times end, and that the hard times refine us into
someone new, and I am really grateful for that. And
I know that my hard day was just a hard
day and it's not gonna last forever. I already feel better,
(27:12):
especially after going to the temple. And I know that
as we stand in holy places, as we stand with
holy people, and as we spend time doing holy things,
our lives will be better and the hard things will
be less hard, or we'll just be stronger to deal
with the hard things. Both could be true. I know
Heavenly Father loves you, is aware of you and want
(27:33):
answer your purse. And I say these things in the
name of Jesus Christ. Daemen. Thank you so much for listening,
especially because with a lot of rambling and actually kind
of vulnerable in a way that I didn't expect it
to be. Don't forget to embrace imperfection, find meaning, satisfaction
and joy from the Journey. I'm Kira and this is
imperfectly broken. The podcast The Rising and Taking at
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