December 10, 2025 • 57 mins
Air Date - 09 December 2025
The power of self-discovery and healing. Joni Woods is a certified life coach and relationship specialist dedicated to helping individuals and couples build emotionally healthy connections. After leaving a 15-year marriage marked by silence and societal pressures, she navigated her own journey of self-discovery, dating, and healing, experiences that now shape her coaching practice.
About the Guest:
Joni Woods, author of Burned, Blocked, and Better Than Ever, is a certified life coach and culture strategist with over 15 years of experience in communication, emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics. As the founder of Journey Coaching, she helps individuals, couples, and organizations build healthier, more connected relationships. Based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Joni is also an active community leader, speaker, and advocate for self-awareness and values-based leadership.
Learn more at https://www.joniwoods.com/
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The power of self-discovery and healing. Joni Woods is a certified life coach and relationship specialist dedicated to helping individuals and couples build emotionally healthy connections. After leaving a 15-year marriage marked by silence and societal pressures, she navigated her own journey of self-discovery, dating, and healing, experiences that now shape her coaching practice.
About the Guest:
Joni Woods, author of Burned, Blocked, and Better Than Ever, is a certified life coach and culture strategist with over 15 years of experience in communication, emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics. As the founder of Journey Coaching, she helps individuals, couples, and organizations build healthier, more connected relationships. Based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Joni is also an active community leader, speaker, and advocate for self-awareness and values-based leadership.
Learn more at https://www.joniwoods.com/
#JoniWoods #InspiredConversations #LindaJoy #Women #Lifestyle #Interviews
Visit the Inspired Conversations Show Page https://omtimes.com/iom/shows/inspired-conversations
Connect with Linda Joy https://linda-joy.com/ and her YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@linda-joy
Subscribe to our Newsletter https://omtimes.com/subscribe-omtimes-magazine/
Connect with OMTimes on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Omtimes.Magazine/ and OMTimes Radio https://www.facebook.com/ConsciousRadiowebtv.OMTimes/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/OmTimes/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/omtimes/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/2798417/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine
and tune in for inspired conversations with publisher Linda Joy
on Tuesdays at two pm Eastern. Linda creates sacred space
for leading female luminaries, empowering authors, heart centered female entrepreneurs, coaches,
and healers. A soulful venue where guests openly share the
(00:24):
fears and obstacles they've overcome, wisdom and lessons learned, and
the personal journey that led them to the transformational work
they do in the world. Inspired conversations to empower you
on your path to authentic, soulful living.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Welcome to Inspired Conversations. I'm your host, mindset elevation coach
and intentional living guide Linda Joy, and I am so
excited to have you here for this soulful conversation with
me Today. Is Johnny Woods, a certified life coach in
culture strategists with over fifteen years of experience and communication,
(01:05):
emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics. She's the author of Burned, Blocked,
and Better Than Ever. As the founder of Journey Coaching,
she helps individuals, couples, and organizations build healthier, more connected relationships. Johnny,
I'm so excited to have you here today, my friend.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, you know, I just just the title of your book,
help you right in, right, burned, blocked and better than
ever before we talk about the book, though, Let's go
back a little bit, because there was a pivotal moment
in your life that really shifted everything for you. So
could you bring us back to that moment when your
(01:52):
marriage ended and it set you on this transformational path.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Yeah. I decided to get married or get divorced in
November of twenty fifteen, and it was it was a
pivotal moment. We were my ex husband and I were
just arguing and fighting, and at this point the family,
his family had been aware of his addiction problems. I
(02:21):
had brought them into the light. We tried to do
an intervention. Things just continue to spiral and once again
we were fighting and his parents show up in the
middle of an argument, which is obviously completely humiliating to
have your in laws walking in, but you know, they
were trying to talk to him about the situation, about
his addiction and all this stuff. And then more people
(02:44):
join the argument, and his best friend walked in and
the conversation completely changed and it went from Hey, let's
get you the help you need to Well, why don't
you guys just stay together for the kids. It's important
for the kids, it's you know. And I just sat there.
I sat there at the edge of the couch watching
(03:05):
this transformation of opinions from supportive to hey, we need
to get you the help that you need to. Well,
we're just going to stay in this miserableone marriage. And
I at that point was like, I'm done, Like I'm done.
I shouldn't be convinced or talked into or told that
I need to stay in a marriage that's so toxic
(03:26):
and abusive just for the kids. What am I teaching
the kids? Like, that's nothing that I want them to see,
That's nothing I want them to experience in their own relationships.
And me allowing it is something that I wasn't going
to do, and being told that we should. So that
was the pivotal woman. That's when my life changed.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I get you a girl, we kind of I love
to marriage about thirty two years ago. I had two
bonus children with him, who was a little girl who
was four and a boy that was ten, and I
had my own Doughter, who was six at the time.
And I can remember that same feeling one day of
(04:08):
saying to myself, oh my goodness. And he was a
good man, but he was passive, aggressive, emotionally distant, not
the kind of person that I could envision my life with. Right.
But I remember saying, oh, my goodness, I'm teaching my
daughters that this is a healthy way for a man
to treat a woman. And I'm teaching my son, my
(04:31):
bonus son, that this is how men treat women. And
I left forty eight hours later. I wasn't strong enough
to do it for myself, Johnny, But it sounds like
like you, we found the strength because of our children.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
Yes, for sure, definitely did.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
And so you know, how did that whole experience lead
you into coaching?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
That took a little bit longer after the divorce. It
took a long time. He was very angry, aggressive person.
So the divorce in and of itself took almost ten
months to finalize, and he fought me on every road
and nearly bankrupt me. I ended up working three different jobs.
(05:23):
Worked overnight at the hospital, and then I bartended and
cleaned houses. So I as I was doing all of
that I was trying to make a difference, and you
would find me just constantly having long conversations with patrons
or I was known as the floor therapist. They would
come talk to me about their relationships. So I always
(05:44):
kept that skill together of helping people. And then in
August of twenty twenty, my ex husband passed away and
I moved the kids from we were in Illinois and
I moved to them to Michigan to be closer to
my family who lives in Canmpa. And when that happened,
I got them all settled in, got them started in
(06:06):
our new life, and I just I wanted them to
see me do something. I wanted them to watch what
it's like to make a dream, put goals around it,
and then go for it, and and the work that
it takes to do that and to have it be
something that brings you life and joy and excitement. And
(06:29):
so that's where I started. I was like, I, you know,
I don't want to be a therapist. I want to
be someone that helps people move forward. I think therapy
is amazing because it brings you back to baseline and
it did a lot of help with me, but I
want I want to keep moving forward. I want to
not get stuck in my trauma. And to do that,
you need to be You need to have someone you
(06:50):
can bounce stuff off of. You need a coach, and
so that's why I chose coaching, and so I started
that journey and that brought me here.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
I love that. And in your book called Burned, Blocked,
and Better than Ever a row Journey of healing. You know,
it's it sounds like you wrote it for anyone who
stayed too long or felt too broken, and for women
who are afraid to begin again. And I think every
woman listening right now has either been in or maybe
(07:20):
he is right now a relationship like that. And you know,
some of the key points in your book are like,
I love this. Why there's no merit badge for suffering
through relationships that are breaking you, Because I think there's
certain generations, like my mom's generation, that it's like you
(07:41):
suck it up and you stay yep. And so of
course I was raised seeing that, and I'm the oldest child,
and I remember being like sixteen eighteen and looking at
her like, what the hell are you doing here? Yet?
The heck out? But by then it was a different
general She didn't have that kind of inner strength to
(08:05):
make the change. So today you're coaching, are you specializing?
It sounds like in like individuals couples this kind of
healing modality to help them see what's healthy and healthy
in their relationships.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
What I actually focus on is communication and relationships through
emotional intelligence. So a lot of everything that I went
through and even in the book is just discovering my
role in all of it, you know, becoming self aware,
becoming accountable, becoming responsible for who I want to be,
(08:51):
like making the choice of who I want to be
instead of being told, well, this is who you're supposed
to be. And emotional intelligence once you're able to start
making it about yourself. And how are you communicating? How
are you like? Are you being passive? Aggressive? Are you
being snippy? Are you do you have an angry streak
(09:11):
that you really that is shutting down communication, that's breaking
down your relationships? Are you do you have a lack
of ability to accept responsibility or be accountable for the
things that you've done in the relationship. Like when I
have an issue with my kids, I because I know
that I can, you know, fly off. I'm like, I
need to put myself in a timeout, you know, and
(09:32):
for me, instead of flying off the handle and saying
something that I will later regret, the accountable part, the
self reflective part of me says, I need a time out.
I need to go take a minute so that I
can come back and we can have an honest conversation.
Because I want my kids to be able to say
stuff to me too, because I'm not a perfect parent.
It's my first time ever being a parent, you know,
(09:53):
I'm learning and I may not do it right all
the time, and they're growing into adults. So I want
them to learn learn how to communicate what they need,
their feelings and for me to be receptive to it.
And so I take that and I teach that to Currently,
I'm teaching it to companies because by the time I
(10:14):
start talking to relationship people, they need therapy, like you
need to go therapy, But in companies and cultures and
toxic you know, company culture. If I can teach the
skills in that setting, then hopefully those skills will, you know,
flesh out to friends, families, because relationships are everywhere. It's
(10:36):
relationships you have with your kids, your siblings, your parents,
your best friends. We see best friends that have following
out and it's all of that kind of communication, like
how do we talk and see things from both sides,
be accountable for how we're coming into the conversation or
our behavior or all of that, and growing.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Love that. And I love that you're going into organizations too,
because some can really use it.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
They really can't.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Yes, and we're going to take our first break, Johnny
and we'll be back in a moment, my friends. You
can learn more at Johnny Woods dot com and that's
spelled jo Ni Woods dot com. We'll be back in
a moment.
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Speaker 2 (13:34):
Welcome Magiere listening to inspired conversations with me today as
Johnny Woods author A burned, blocked and better than ever.
So something that you shared, especially with the kids, is
that emotional intelligence and being able to communicate from a
I say, from a higher self and not that lower
(13:55):
wounded version of ourself that we all have. How old
are you now?
Speaker 3 (14:01):
My son is nineteen and my daughter's fourteen.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
So I think it's such a beautiful gift. Some of
the things you've shared with me is they watched you
go through the hardest time of your life and rise
above it and make something even more beautiful out of
the mass of life. Right So to me, just them
(14:26):
witnessing that was a powerful gift that you gave them.
And now the communication and the emotional intelligence, what a
blessing for them.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Thank you. I hope they think so.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
They may not think so. In this moment. My daughter's
forty one now, and I have a going to be
fourteen year old granddaughter, and then I also have a
twenty five year old grandson from my bonus son. And
one of the things I can say is watching as
(15:01):
they matured into adults, hearing them say some of the
things I used to say to them or do or teach,
and I'm like, oh my god, they really were listening.
So they may not be responding to you right now,
but I'll tell you they're taking it all in.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Yeah, it's such a blessing. So in your work, in
your relationship, you work with organizations, relationships, all that, because
really it's relational coaching, right, teaching people how to be
more aligned in their communication. So what are some of
the most common toxic patterns that you see in relationships
(15:44):
in how can people break them?
Speaker 3 (15:49):
I think the big one that I've been seeing in
both professional and personal is triangulation. When you get other
people on your side. You know, it's this crowd mentality
of well they've done me wrong, and so you start
getting your your team built up behind you, and it
(16:11):
really actually negatively affects how they can take responsibility. And
I'll see it in both the professional and personal thing.
They'll be like, well, yeah, I just had to ask,
you know, my coworker, what about what did you think?
How did you think I handled this? And I'm like, fair,
but did you put them in a position where they
could offer their honest opinion or were you looking for validation?
(16:34):
And how you handled the situation you in what you
would consider the right way, quote unquote, because that's the thing.
We start to bring in people around us who we
expect them to validate that we did everything right, and
we're not open, even in our closest relationships, for them
to look at us and say, I think you could
(16:56):
have handled that a little differently. You know, actually I
would have handled it. I would have handled it differently,
you know, anything like that, any kind of course correction.
We're not seeing that in definitely, not in the professional scenarios,
but in the relational scenarios. For sure. You get people
that automatically will tell you, well, you need to just
(17:17):
block them, and you need to just cancel them, and
you need to just forget them, and all that kind
of stuff. And in some circumstances, I agree one hundred percent.
But I also think that so many people are blind
to how they react and respond to situations that they
All it does is reinforce them to continue that behavior.
(17:38):
Instead of going to someone and saying, hey, listen, what
you did hurt my feelings and giving them an opportunity
to change is huge, and I had that in my
own personal like professional relationship do I do the coaching,
but then I'm also recruitment specialist at the Dicksborough Project
and one of my chefs he was just awful to me.
(18:01):
And at the end of the I waited till the
end of the shift and then I sent him a
text message and I said, what you said to me
really hurt. And immediately he apologized. He said I'm sorry,
He said, I know I tend to joke too much,
but if I hadn't said anything, Like everyone gathered around,
they were so supportive. They're like, he's such a jerk,
he needs to be fired. And I was like, fair,
(18:23):
thank you, I appreciate that, but that doesn't help me
repair what's happening right now. And what it took was
for me to be honest with him and say, you
hurt my feelings. And then he came down and he
came to the office and he apologized sincerely, and then
we talked about the problem, like the main problem that
(18:44):
didn't have anything to do with us, but he was
reacting in a fiery way and he was taking it
out on me, I was the easy target and because
of that, because I was open and honest with him,
I gave him the opportunity to level up, and he
did and our relationship leveled up. And I think that
that people miss out on those moments where we get
(19:05):
to build relationship. It's it's small. It involves being vulnerable,
it involves speaking your truth and then letting them show up.
Because I think a lot of people, you know, you
don't want to hear that you were that someone took
what you said and was hurt by it. You would
feel awful about that, and so you want your point
(19:26):
to be heard, but you also want to level up
in the relationship. So that's that to me, is where
I see danger is if you gather people around to
reinforce or validate a feeling that you haven't fully worked
through yet.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, because it could become a mob mentality, yes, right, energetically,
like that person that chef was out of line, and
by you doing what you did to meet him, because
it sounds like you met him with firmness, by reason, love,
not a attack, and that's the difference. But all those
(20:06):
other people circling around you, what happens is the energy
starts getting poisonous. Yeah, it's almost like, let's cancel this person,
let's do this. And so I agree. I like to
keep things as you do. In other words, I don't
I used to stew one things. I wonder why you
said that. It maybe said that, and then it would
(20:26):
make this whole scenario in my mind in poison my
own energy. And so now I'll have the conversation like
you did one because I want the energy to move
through me, and because two, that conversation won't be happening
a second time. Like you gave that person a chance
to rise up and he did. Now I'm curious what
(20:50):
happens if you had that same conversation and he didn't
rise up, because most would get defensive. What happens then, Like,
how would you into that? Because I hear from a
lot of my clients I had that difficult conversation. They
got so defensive and it's spiraled. Can you speak to them?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Yeah, So that particular chef, him and I have been
friends for a while, so for me to be able
to have that conversation with him was a little bit
easier for him to level up. The other chef that
was there that day, We've only been working together for
about nine months. And I ended up looking at him
and I just said, with firmness, I said, you were
(21:30):
very you were very mean to me on Sunday, and
I would like to have a better day today. And
he just kind of looked at me, and I said
it in love. I was not disrespectful, but I set
that boundary and him and I. He never really apologized,
and I didn't need him to. I was just setting
the boundary because I'm the manager, so you have to
(21:52):
treat me with some level of respect, even if you're
having a bad day. I'm here for you. I'm part
of your team, but you don't get to be mean
to me. And so I was definitely more firm. But
he changed, he changed his attitude. He has not been
like that since. He definitely has been more intentional in
(22:19):
building a relationship with me. And I think it's I
think it is in our approach. You know, one, I
know who I am, I know my worth, and I
know that I don't deserve to be talked to like that.
So if I can say it in a way where
I'm not diminishing their worth, but I'm recognizing that I
get to be treated better. It landed really well. So
(22:45):
I don't know if that's a good answer, because every.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Perfect answer, and you know, it made me think as
I should. My daughter's forty one, and I had a
tumultuous childhood in wanted to raise her differently. And I
remember like tening to read and we were having a
conversation in the tone of and she was the most
easiest child. She was an amazing kid. That's why I
(23:07):
stopped at one. I was like, oh oh, and and
I remember it was that little normal, little sass you
know that comes up when they had a certain age.
And I remember just looking at her, I said, would
you like to try saying that again? Yep, I do.
That's it. I was angry, I wasn't anything, and and
(23:30):
that was our language of our house. Rule is you
can say anything to me, but you'll always watch how
you say it, like if you're angry. You can be angry,
of course, if you're sad, all that, but there is
there's always that message of respect and validation both ways.
(23:51):
And to watch her now with a granddaughter, the bond
they have because she now lives that same message with
her her right and to me, that's isn't it what
it's all about. It's listen, we're if we're emotionally mature adults,
we can have hard conversations without demeaning the other person
(24:14):
or or accepting less than we deserve. So I think
that's key too. So we're going to take our next
break that and we will be back in a moment.
When we come back, we're going to be talking about
cultural and family expectations, how they affect the way we
communicate and how we love. So stay with us with
(24:37):
Johnny Woods, author of Burned, Blocked, and Better Than Ever.
You can learn more at Johnny Woods dot com and
that is j O ni Woods dot com. As always,
all the links and bio and information is in the
show notes.
Speaker 4 (24:54):
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Speaker 2 (26:54):
Welcome back and listen to inspired conversations. I'm with Jonnie Woods,
Oh Johnny Woods dot com, author of Burned Block and
Better Than Ever. So I'm curious because how do cultural
and family expectations affect the way we communicate in love.
I mean, I can see some threads throughout my family,
(27:15):
So I'm curious of your thoughts.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Yeah, so that is kind of the big chunk of
my book to start, and why it's more self care
because or self help. I grew up in a Pentecostal
church in Canada, very deeply religious. My parents were at
church all the time, and I was just constantly told
(27:41):
over and over and over again, this is who you
needed to be to be to receive any kind of
unconditional love, and if you hit that expectation, you would
get all this love that I never really got because
my parents had a very violent relationship. And then when
my mom left, I was I stayed with my father
(28:03):
and he used religion as a weapon and you either
hit the mark or you didn't, and if you didn't,
there was punishments and if you did, you still never
really fully felt loved. And so being taught that through
my entire life was okay, you needed to be a
good Christian girl. This is how you be a good
(28:24):
Christian girl. This is how when I moved in with
my mom, she went back to the faith. And then
all of a sudden, it was all about religion again.
This is these expectations of being a good Christian teenager.
This is the stuff that you do for the church.
You know, all of this. It was constant expectation, expectation.
(28:45):
And then I went into pastoral school and the same thing.
You know, if you wanted to find a good husband,
this is how you needed to behave These were the shirts.
I mean they had like a dress code two very
strict dress code for girls. For the women, and it
was just like the guy's never got anything. You know,
(29:06):
it was constant double standard. If we wanted a good husband,
we needed to be a good wife if we wanted
you know, all of these kind of things. And it
really struck me. We went on a missions trip to
Haiti and we had a hike like seven or eight
hours up a mountain. It was exhausting and it was
a co ed trip and we get to the top
and we're up there, there's very little water, you know,
(29:29):
and one of my male co workers started to feel ill,
and I just trying to be a decent human being,
start getting the water, start getting some food. I start
trying to like sit and take care of them. And
I got in trouble for it, and they told me,
They're like, you can't do that because he might start
lusting after you. And I was like, this is this
(29:50):
is ridiculous, Like why I should be able to be
a decent human being and you you are telling me
I'm fail in my expectation of being a godly woman
because I'm helping someone because he might sin. Like it
was just like a contradiction, exactly exactly. And it was
(30:12):
just so for me putting all that stuff aside, because
when I got a divorce, you know, the church obviously
was like, hey, you know, you can't be a pastor
anymore because you're divorced. And it was just like, fine,
you know what, then I'm going to be someone who
is full of love and kindness and that's that's going
to be my goal in life. And if I don't
(30:33):
meet your expectation because I'm not godly enough, or I'm
not good enough, or I've made this mistake in my past,
or I've done this, or I've made this choice. Because
I prefer to be known for love and kindness, then
your spiritual expectation of me, you know, like that kind
of stuff, then fine, But I will because of that,
I will love myself better. And when I love myself better,
(30:54):
then I'm able to love others better. Because I just
was constantly told, especially my marriage, that I wasn't measuring up.
I wasn't a good enough pastor's wife. I wasn't a
good enough wife. I wasn't a good enough homemaker. I
wasn't I was a great mother. He told me that
all the time, but I was failing in every other area.
(31:14):
And because I had been told my entire life that
I had these expectations I needed to hit. I never
felt truly loved, and I never But because I walked
out of that marriage and because I chose to love
myself more, I am happy. I'm so happy with who
I am. I'm very happy and feel love. I just honestly,
(31:37):
genuinely feel love.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
What a story and what a journey, you know, It's
almost like there was this soul wisdom within you, even
on that on that hype that day, that says, I
am not going to be told to be less than
when I'm just here to love and support and serve.
(32:01):
It was so there was always this little fire in
you that knew your truth.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
It sounds yeah, And I got in trouble for that
a lot.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
I believe me. I get you, girl, But you know
what isn't there. I've always said I'd rather be loved
for who I truly am. Right, I'm sorry, I'd rather
be hated for who I truly am than loved for
who I'm not right, Like so many of us walking
around with this persona for love, acceptance and validation, but
(32:33):
inside we're dying because we're not being true to who
we are. Yeah. And I just say, those that are
meant for me, whether that's clients, relationship, it doesn't matter
what it is. I'm going to show up as love
as you know, being authentic. I want the highest version
of me to come through. And that's what your journey
(32:55):
sounds like to me, that you wanted to lead from
that place that of love. Yep, it wasn't always accepted.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Nope, and it's still yeah, it's still hard for people
to even understand it now, Like it's yeah, it's always interesting.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It is because it was just on a group call
with a bunch of the speakers, exhibitors and sponsors of
an upcoming women's event, and we were talking and they're like.
Someone said something because she had been following me for
almost twenty years on social media, and she said, I
can feel your heart, Linda. She goes, You've always been
(33:36):
about love and service, and now that I'm in your circle,
I can feel it. To me, that was the best
compliment someone could give me, other than hey, you're so successful,
Hey you're cute, right, anything like that, like, oh, she
can feel my love, Like, isn't that what we all want?
Speaker 3 (33:54):
I think? So that is definitely, I mean, I know
that that's what it is for me. I think a
lot of people though, they struggle to even know what
it is that they want to be.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
No, I agree, I agree, and honestly, I've been there.
I'm sixty three now, but I probably the first thirty
years of my life, maybe thirty five, I really didn't
know who I was. You know. It always reminds me
of that movie with Richard Gear and Julia Roberts. I
think it was called Runaway Bride. When she said she
didn't know what kind of egg she liked because she
(34:26):
always ate the ones that of her partner. I cried
when it said that, I'm like that me because I've
always morphed myself into who I thought that person wanted
me to be. That by the time I was thirties,
I just woke up one day, like, what do I like?
What excites me? I had to almost re meet myself.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
And I've been on that journey for us since nineteen
ninety one is when I had my spiritual awakening. But
there's like an excavation of all the stories, the the
have tos that we pick up in life. Do you
notice that in the work that you're doing in the
world that people have these personas they think they have
to live under so they hide their true self. Yes.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And unfortunately, so that's where we start to see the
damage in cultures, because there's a some statistic out there
that says, you know, you don't really know someone you're
dating until after like month six or nine or something
like that, where their true colors really start to show
and the same thing happens in the business practice. They
(35:34):
come in wanting to be what they think you want
them to be, and it's like, no, we want you
to be you so that we can put you in
the right spot that helps you grow and helps the
company grow. And I do. I do a lot of speaking,
and I spoke out a disrupt HR event and my
(35:56):
title was go ahead and drink on the job, and
it was meant to talk about you know, when people
or one or two drinks in, you know, their true colors,
their authentic self, really start to show up. And that's
the person that we want doing sales or leadership. Assuming
it's good. You know, sometimes there's a dark streak and
(36:16):
you're like you need their people. But you know, for
the most part, everyone's suddenly so confident and everyone is
suddenly so engaging, and it's it's like, yeah, that's because
we've stripped off those expectations. And you know, as a company,
why don't we invite our team to come in and
(36:36):
be that way from the get go and then and
then we get to mold and make them and build
their leadership skills or build their sales skills. But if
we don't see their the authentic self when they come
in or if they're not willing to or able to
show off that authentic self, we it takes so much
longer to build build a cohesive and good team.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Is that way most of your work is with organizations?
Or are you do you do private one on one also,
just so all listeners, No.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Yeah, no, I do private one on one. I Actually
one of my favorite ones out of twenty twenty four
was I worked with a family. They it was sisters,
it was like or five sisters, and they were trying
to navigate the care for their elderly mother and it
was all hot heads and you know Italian family and
(37:34):
all of the stuff that they brought in and the years,
and I mean we worked together for nine months. And
it's funny because you know, everyone's like, oh, well, you're
going to fix my relationship. I'm like, I probably not.
But what I am going to do is teach you
how to better communicate what it is that you're looking
for and better understand your partner, your sisters, you know.
(38:00):
And it got to the point where, yeah, her frustration,
the one that brought me in. Her frustration was that
she wanted to see more engagement in her siblings, and
we were able to get down to, well, here's who's
going to be engaged and how they're going to be engaged.
And we had to change her expectations of them and
(38:22):
really align with what it was that they were able
and willing to do, and that because of that, there
was more freedom in talking about managing the healthcare of
their mother and talking about the roles and responsibilities with
less emotional frustrations behind it because we had set the
(38:43):
boundary like this is, let's start first with what's your expectation,
and then let's find out what their availability is to
meet that expectation. And I love that. I mean, it
was nine months and it was great conversations, conversations, tense conversations.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
But.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
They walked out of it with a more cohesive plan.
I don't I didn't fix their internal sibling relationship. That
wasn't my goal. My goal was to help come up
with a plan for their mother. But it was it
was I would consider a successful coaching.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
That was a powerful story. And we're going to take off.
I think it's going to be a final break now
that I can't believe this time is flying, my friend,
We're going to be back in a moment, my friends,
and we're going to be talking about how to recognize
when maybe you're staying in a relationship out of fear
rather than true connection. In so much more, we'll be
(39:43):
back in a moment, my friends.
Speaker 4 (39:45):
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Speaker 4 (41:27):
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Speaker 2 (41:59):
You're listening to conversations. I'm with Johnny Woods. You can
learn more at Johnnywoods dot com, the url and bio
or all below in the show notes. She's the author
of Burned, Blocked and Better than Ever. So let's say
one of our listeners is in a relationship. What's a
(42:20):
way they can learn to recognize if they're in that
relationship for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 3 (42:29):
I think learning if you're in the relationship for the
wrong reasons is what do you say when you tell
your story. I have a lot of people. I didn't
know how miserable marriages were out there until I got
a divorced because nobody talks about how miserable their relationship is.
(42:50):
You only ever highlight the good stuff. And I really
came to it when I was like, man, when I
tell people what's going on in my relationship, it really
freaks them out because you know, when you're actually having
to say, oh, yeah this happened, or oh yeah this happened,
(43:11):
and if someone's looking at you and they're there, they
can see it because they're the outside perspective, and they
recognize that that's not healthy, that's not okay. That's the
validation that you need. So think about your story. If
you were to talk about your relationship today, how it looked,
what happened in it? Were you wanting to go go home?
(43:34):
You know, there were times that I just didn't want
to drive home. There were times that you know, I
would see a deep ravine and be like, oh, if
iinanturally fell into there, it'd be okay. You know, those
are kind of warning signs. Not that I was suicidal,
but it was just like that I just didn't want
to go home. And so saying those things out loud,
(43:55):
not even even if you're not saying it to anyone else,
but you're journaling it, or you're thinking it in the car,
or you're just like, man, I don't want to go home.
That right, there is a sign. Those are the things
that you should start looking for and listening to.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
That's a good one. I think we can all talk,
you know, experience that. So I'm curious, you know, after
that tumultuous divorce, which was not easy, as you shared,
what did you learn about dating after divorce that could
help others avoid repeating the days? Because I know, in
(44:31):
my younger is I just went right to the next
one and it was same old, same old, just in
a different costume. Yeah, I realized that I was the
common denominator.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
That is actually the second part of my book is
the whole dating experience. And so the first part is
recognizing the patterns. The second part is learning how to
break those And one of the things that I have
recognized in all of my you know, quote unquote therapies
at the hospital or you know, one on the bar,
conversations or anything like that, is you always get stuck
(45:06):
in your rebound. The rebound. Love is just so important
for you to gain self awareness of what it is
that you're looking for in your relationship. For me, my
my rebound. We met and within three weeks, three six weeks,
we were already planning our future together, you know, like
(45:26):
it was this world when Firecracker, you know, this was
the best thing ever. And then when it completely died
out the way all rebounds do, it took time for
me to go, Okay, what was it about this particular
relationship that made me go so unhinged and unhinged in
(45:47):
the sense that I was willing to like completely change
my life for this man that I just met, you know,
And it was because he gave. Like I was, I
was a starved puppy. I had no I'm a words
of affirmation person, I'm a physical touch person. I need
I need those things, and I didn't get any of that.
(46:10):
In fact, I got all the opposite. I was, you know,
verbally abused. I was always the problem. So when I
met this man, he filled that bucket so quick and
so fast, and I thought, for sure he's my soulmate. No,
he just found the right buttons. And it wasn't that
he was being vicious or anything like that. That was
just the way he communicated and it really resonated with me.
(46:32):
And so to recognize that what I need out of
relationships has to be a balance, you know, like I
want someone, I want a man to hold me accountable
in a gentle way, but I want him to be encouraging,
you know. So it was taking all of those things
that made me believe this big giant firework was true
love to go. Okay, what was it that I was needing?
(46:55):
I was a starved puppy, and he he immediately made
me feel loved. And so going back, as I started
to date after my rebound, it was easier because then
I was able to look at all these men who
are like, You're just so beautiful, You're the best person ever,
Why are you single? I didn't need that validation because
(47:16):
I already knew that. I knew I was great. I
knew I was beautiful. What I need is someone that's
going to not man explain things to me or you know,
not tear me down, or you know, like really be
a partner. And because of that, I was able to
slowly through the dating process just kind of weed out
the guys that I was like, no, I don't I
(47:38):
don't think that's real, legitimate, you know, honest conversation between us.
And it worked really good. You know, I'm proud of
my dating relationships and my stories and the friendships and
I managed to because I did it in that way,
still maintain friendships with former relationship ex boyfriends, and they're
(48:03):
great there in my book.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I love that because I was always able to stay
connected and close to I've only had full long term
relationships before my honey here who I've been with them
thirty one years and a lot of people go, how
can you still be friends? And I go, because I
I think we heal that young woman drama. Yeah, And
(48:31):
you know, my even my honey now has become friends
with them, and I think that's a sign of healing,
right when you can meet someone where they are and
not from the story that you once lived. With them
because if we can change, other people can change. Yep.
And that's how I've come to see it. So what
(48:52):
are we still have a few minutes left? So what
is another if there's a woman struggling right now in
communication with a relationship, in a relationship, because one of
the things I hear most from my private coaching clients
is I don't feel heard, and so even though they
try to share their truth and share their feelings, it's
(49:17):
almost like in some cases it just bounces right off
that person. Is there a tip or strategy that you
would recommend to help like break down that wall.
Speaker 3 (49:32):
Yes, So it's one of the therapy tools, you know,
ask just ask more questions. So if you're trying to
get a point across and it's not landing, then I
start to ask, what are you hearing me say? Can
we talk about that? And if they're hearing something that
is completely off the wall, I don't get defensive about it.
(49:55):
I'm like, Okay, so this is your lens, you know.
And because we all see the world through how we
were raised, our traumas, we all hear responses through you know,
how people have argued with us. Like my ex husband
used to like Bret and badger me like he just
if he comes in hot and you're you're.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
I shut down. So if I know that I am
trying to speak to someone and they are shutting down,
then I recognize right away this isn't about me, this
is about you, and so I start to ask questions
in that It's like, Okay, what are you feeling right now?
Is what I'm saying bringing out an insecurity in you?
(50:37):
And even if you can't talk about it with them
at that moment, if you're thinking about it, it helps
you kind of navigate how to say something to someone else.
Because I met even with a girlfriend I had accidentally
tagged her in a picture that wasn't her and she
got super offended about it, and I just was like,
(50:59):
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Clearly this was an accident,
and I had to recognize that for her that was
an insecurity that she was mistaken for someone else. And
so I sat down and I had a conversation and
I said, I really apologize. I obviously would not try
to do that to you. How can I make this better?
And I knew it wasn't me. I knew it was
(51:20):
an accident and it was a mistake, but how she
perceived it, how she reacted to it, told me that, Okay,
there's something going on with you, and how can I
help you? And so I think, just even if you
can't say it in the moment, just keeping that in
mind that, Okay, the fact that you're not hearing me
(51:40):
is saying something about you, not about me. Maybe they're
being maybe they feel insecure, maybe they feel jealous. You know,
I have a male friend who gets very jealous every
time I talk about other males in my life. And
I'm like, okay, we need we need to work on this.
And so, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
If that helps. That is major. And one of the
other things too, is you said you're doing a lot
of speaking, So if someone's interested in having you speak,
you do virtual speaking as well as in person and
organizational speaking. Correct. Yes, And I want to invite everyone
(52:20):
to visit Johnny Woods dot com and again that's jo
Ni Woods dot com. Grab a copy of her book
Burned is Blocked and Better than Ever. While you're there,
also learn more about her transformational coaching services. Johnny, I've
really loved this soucial conversation. Your journey is truly inspiring,
(52:44):
and I love how as I a saying I love
to say, is I love needing women to turn their
mess into their message that I'm raising my hand there.
Speaker 3 (52:53):
So thank you, You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
Thank you for joining me, my friend. Thanks and until
next time, my friends, choose love, Choose joy, Choose happiness, blessings.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
Thanks for listening to Inspired Conversations with publisher Linda Joy.
Join our Sacred Space every Tuesday at two pm Eastern
and meet leading female visionaries, empowering authors, heart centered female entrepreneurs, coaches,
and healers. Inspired Conversations with Linda Joy is a soulful
(53:29):
venue where guests share the obstacles they've overcome, along with
wisdom and lessons learned on their personal journey that led
them to the transformational work they do in the world.
Inspire Conversations to empower you on your path to authentic
and soulful living.
Grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine
and tune in for inspired conversations with publisher Linda Joy
on Tuesdays at two pm Eastern. Linda creates sacred space
for leading female luminaries, empowering authors, heart centered female entrepreneurs, coaches,
and healers. A soulful venue where guests openly share the
(00:24):
fears and obstacles they've overcome, wisdom and lessons learned, and
the personal journey that led them to the transformational work
they do in the world. Inspired conversations to empower you
on your path to authentic, soulful living.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Welcome to Inspired Conversations. I'm your host, mindset elevation coach
and intentional living guide Linda Joy, and I am so
excited to have you here for this soulful conversation with
me Today. Is Johnny Woods, a certified life coach in
culture strategists with over fifteen years of experience and communication,
(01:05):
emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics. She's the author of Burned, Blocked,
and Better Than Ever. As the founder of Journey Coaching,
she helps individuals, couples, and organizations build healthier, more connected relationships. Johnny,
I'm so excited to have you here today, my friend.
Speaker 3 (01:26):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, you know, I just just the title of your book,
help you right in, right, burned, blocked and better than
ever before we talk about the book, though, Let's go
back a little bit, because there was a pivotal moment
in your life that really shifted everything for you. So
could you bring us back to that moment when your
(01:52):
marriage ended and it set you on this transformational path.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Yeah. I decided to get married or get divorced in
November of twenty fifteen, and it was it was a
pivotal moment. We were my ex husband and I were
just arguing and fighting, and at this point the family,
his family had been aware of his addiction problems. I
(02:21):
had brought them into the light. We tried to do
an intervention. Things just continue to spiral and once again
we were fighting and his parents show up in the
middle of an argument, which is obviously completely humiliating to
have your in laws walking in, but you know, they
were trying to talk to him about the situation, about
his addiction and all this stuff. And then more people
(02:44):
join the argument, and his best friend walked in and
the conversation completely changed and it went from Hey, let's
get you the help you need to Well, why don't
you guys just stay together for the kids. It's important
for the kids, it's you know. And I just sat there.
I sat there at the edge of the couch watching
(03:05):
this transformation of opinions from supportive to hey, we need
to get you the help that you need to. Well,
we're just going to stay in this miserableone marriage. And
I at that point was like, I'm done, Like I'm done.
I shouldn't be convinced or talked into or told that
I need to stay in a marriage that's so toxic
(03:26):
and abusive just for the kids. What am I teaching
the kids? Like, that's nothing that I want them to see,
That's nothing I want them to experience in their own relationships.
And me allowing it is something that I wasn't going
to do, and being told that we should. So that
was the pivotal woman. That's when my life changed.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I get you a girl, we kind of I love
to marriage about thirty two years ago. I had two
bonus children with him, who was a little girl who
was four and a boy that was ten, and I
had my own Doughter, who was six at the time.
And I can remember that same feeling one day of
(04:08):
saying to myself, oh my goodness. And he was a
good man, but he was passive, aggressive, emotionally distant, not
the kind of person that I could envision my life with. Right.
But I remember saying, oh, my goodness, I'm teaching my
daughters that this is a healthy way for a man
to treat a woman. And I'm teaching my son, my
(04:31):
bonus son, that this is how men treat women. And
I left forty eight hours later. I wasn't strong enough
to do it for myself, Johnny, But it sounds like
like you, we found the strength because of our children.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
Yes, for sure, definitely did.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
And so you know, how did that whole experience lead
you into coaching?
Speaker 3 (05:00):
That took a little bit longer after the divorce. It
took a long time. He was very angry, aggressive person.
So the divorce in and of itself took almost ten
months to finalize, and he fought me on every road
and nearly bankrupt me. I ended up working three different jobs.
(05:23):
Worked overnight at the hospital, and then I bartended and
cleaned houses. So I as I was doing all of
that I was trying to make a difference, and you
would find me just constantly having long conversations with patrons
or I was known as the floor therapist. They would
come talk to me about their relationships. So I always
(05:44):
kept that skill together of helping people. And then in
August of twenty twenty, my ex husband passed away and
I moved the kids from we were in Illinois and
I moved to them to Michigan to be closer to
my family who lives in Canmpa. And when that happened,
I got them all settled in, got them started in
(06:06):
our new life, and I just I wanted them to
see me do something. I wanted them to watch what
it's like to make a dream, put goals around it,
and then go for it, and and the work that
it takes to do that and to have it be
something that brings you life and joy and excitement. And
(06:29):
so that's where I started. I was like, I, you know,
I don't want to be a therapist. I want to
be someone that helps people move forward. I think therapy
is amazing because it brings you back to baseline and
it did a lot of help with me, but I
want I want to keep moving forward. I want to
not get stuck in my trauma. And to do that,
you need to be You need to have someone you
(06:50):
can bounce stuff off of. You need a coach, and
so that's why I chose coaching, and so I started
that journey and that brought me here.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
I love that. And in your book called Burned, Blocked,
and Better than Ever a row Journey of healing. You know,
it's it sounds like you wrote it for anyone who
stayed too long or felt too broken, and for women
who are afraid to begin again. And I think every
woman listening right now has either been in or maybe
(07:20):
he is right now a relationship like that. And you know,
some of the key points in your book are like,
I love this. Why there's no merit badge for suffering
through relationships that are breaking you, Because I think there's
certain generations, like my mom's generation, that it's like you
(07:41):
suck it up and you stay yep. And so of
course I was raised seeing that, and I'm the oldest child,
and I remember being like sixteen eighteen and looking at
her like, what the hell are you doing here? Yet?
The heck out? But by then it was a different
general She didn't have that kind of inner strength to
(08:05):
make the change. So today you're coaching, are you specializing?
It sounds like in like individuals couples this kind of
healing modality to help them see what's healthy and healthy
in their relationships.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
What I actually focus on is communication and relationships through
emotional intelligence. So a lot of everything that I went
through and even in the book is just discovering my
role in all of it, you know, becoming self aware,
becoming accountable, becoming responsible for who I want to be,
(08:51):
like making the choice of who I want to be
instead of being told, well, this is who you're supposed
to be. And emotional intelligence once you're able to start
making it about yourself. And how are you communicating? How
are you like? Are you being passive? Aggressive? Are you
being snippy? Are you do you have an angry streak
(09:11):
that you really that is shutting down communication, that's breaking
down your relationships? Are you do you have a lack
of ability to accept responsibility or be accountable for the
things that you've done in the relationship. Like when I
have an issue with my kids, I because I know
that I can, you know, fly off. I'm like, I
need to put myself in a timeout, you know, and
(09:32):
for me, instead of flying off the handle and saying
something that I will later regret, the accountable part, the
self reflective part of me says, I need a time out.
I need to go take a minute so that I
can come back and we can have an honest conversation.
Because I want my kids to be able to say
stuff to me too, because I'm not a perfect parent.
It's my first time ever being a parent, you know,
(09:53):
I'm learning and I may not do it right all
the time, and they're growing into adults. So I want
them to learn learn how to communicate what they need,
their feelings and for me to be receptive to it.
And so I take that and I teach that to Currently,
I'm teaching it to companies because by the time I
(10:14):
start talking to relationship people, they need therapy, like you
need to go therapy, But in companies and cultures and
toxic you know, company culture. If I can teach the
skills in that setting, then hopefully those skills will, you know,
flesh out to friends, families, because relationships are everywhere. It's
(10:36):
relationships you have with your kids, your siblings, your parents,
your best friends. We see best friends that have following
out and it's all of that kind of communication, like
how do we talk and see things from both sides,
be accountable for how we're coming into the conversation or
our behavior or all of that, and growing.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Love that. And I love that you're going into organizations too,
because some can really use it.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
They really can't.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Yes, and we're going to take our first break, Johnny
and we'll be back in a moment, my friends. You
can learn more at Johnny Woods dot com and that's
spelled jo Ni Woods dot com. We'll be back in
a moment.
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Speaker 2 (13:34):
Welcome Magiere listening to inspired conversations with me today as
Johnny Woods author A burned, blocked and better than ever.
So something that you shared, especially with the kids, is
that emotional intelligence and being able to communicate from a
I say, from a higher self and not that lower
(13:55):
wounded version of ourself that we all have. How old
are you now?
Speaker 3 (14:01):
My son is nineteen and my daughter's fourteen.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
So I think it's such a beautiful gift. Some of
the things you've shared with me is they watched you
go through the hardest time of your life and rise
above it and make something even more beautiful out of
the mass of life. Right So to me, just them
(14:26):
witnessing that was a powerful gift that you gave them.
And now the communication and the emotional intelligence, what a
blessing for them.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
Thank you. I hope they think so.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
They may not think so. In this moment. My daughter's
forty one now, and I have a going to be
fourteen year old granddaughter, and then I also have a
twenty five year old grandson from my bonus son. And
one of the things I can say is watching as
(15:01):
they matured into adults, hearing them say some of the
things I used to say to them or do or teach,
and I'm like, oh my god, they really were listening.
So they may not be responding to you right now,
but I'll tell you they're taking it all in.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Yeah, it's such a blessing. So in your work, in
your relationship, you work with organizations, relationships, all that, because
really it's relational coaching, right, teaching people how to be
more aligned in their communication. So what are some of
the most common toxic patterns that you see in relationships
(15:44):
in how can people break them?
Speaker 3 (15:49):
I think the big one that I've been seeing in
both professional and personal is triangulation. When you get other
people on your side. You know, it's this crowd mentality
of well they've done me wrong, and so you start
getting your your team built up behind you, and it
(16:11):
really actually negatively affects how they can take responsibility. And
I'll see it in both the professional and personal thing.
They'll be like, well, yeah, I just had to ask,
you know, my coworker, what about what did you think?
How did you think I handled this? And I'm like, fair,
but did you put them in a position where they
could offer their honest opinion or were you looking for validation?
(16:34):
And how you handled the situation you in what you
would consider the right way, quote unquote, because that's the thing.
We start to bring in people around us who we
expect them to validate that we did everything right, and
we're not open, even in our closest relationships, for them
to look at us and say, I think you could
(16:56):
have handled that a little differently. You know, actually I
would have handled it. I would have handled it differently,
you know, anything like that, any kind of course correction.
We're not seeing that in definitely, not in the professional scenarios,
but in the relational scenarios. For sure. You get people
that automatically will tell you, well, you need to just
(17:17):
block them, and you need to just cancel them, and
you need to just forget them, and all that kind
of stuff. And in some circumstances, I agree one hundred percent.
But I also think that so many people are blind
to how they react and respond to situations that they
All it does is reinforce them to continue that behavior.
(17:38):
Instead of going to someone and saying, hey, listen, what
you did hurt my feelings and giving them an opportunity
to change is huge, and I had that in my
own personal like professional relationship do I do the coaching,
but then I'm also recruitment specialist at the Dicksborough Project
and one of my chefs he was just awful to me.
(18:01):
And at the end of the I waited till the
end of the shift and then I sent him a
text message and I said, what you said to me
really hurt. And immediately he apologized. He said I'm sorry,
He said, I know I tend to joke too much,
but if I hadn't said anything, Like everyone gathered around,
they were so supportive. They're like, he's such a jerk,
he needs to be fired. And I was like, fair,
(18:23):
thank you, I appreciate that, but that doesn't help me
repair what's happening right now. And what it took was
for me to be honest with him and say, you
hurt my feelings. And then he came down and he
came to the office and he apologized sincerely, and then
we talked about the problem, like the main problem that
(18:44):
didn't have anything to do with us, but he was
reacting in a fiery way and he was taking it
out on me, I was the easy target and because
of that, because I was open and honest with him,
I gave him the opportunity to level up, and he
did and our relationship leveled up. And I think that
that people miss out on those moments where we get
(19:05):
to build relationship. It's it's small. It involves being vulnerable,
it involves speaking your truth and then letting them show up.
Because I think a lot of people, you know, you
don't want to hear that you were that someone took
what you said and was hurt by it. You would
feel awful about that, and so you want your point
(19:26):
to be heard, but you also want to level up
in the relationship. So that's that to me, is where
I see danger is if you gather people around to
reinforce or validate a feeling that you haven't fully worked
through yet.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, because it could become a mob mentality, yes, right, energetically,
like that person that chef was out of line, and
by you doing what you did to meet him, because
it sounds like you met him with firmness, by reason, love,
not a attack, and that's the difference. But all those
(20:06):
other people circling around you, what happens is the energy
starts getting poisonous. Yeah, it's almost like, let's cancel this person,
let's do this. And so I agree. I like to
keep things as you do. In other words, I don't
I used to stew one things. I wonder why you
said that. It maybe said that, and then it would
(20:26):
make this whole scenario in my mind in poison my
own energy. And so now I'll have the conversation like
you did one because I want the energy to move
through me, and because two, that conversation won't be happening
a second time. Like you gave that person a chance
to rise up and he did. Now I'm curious what
(20:50):
happens if you had that same conversation and he didn't
rise up, because most would get defensive. What happens then, Like,
how would you into that? Because I hear from a
lot of my clients I had that difficult conversation. They
got so defensive and it's spiraled. Can you speak to them?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Yeah, So that particular chef, him and I have been
friends for a while, so for me to be able
to have that conversation with him was a little bit
easier for him to level up. The other chef that
was there that day, We've only been working together for
about nine months. And I ended up looking at him
and I just said, with firmness, I said, you were
(21:30):
very you were very mean to me on Sunday, and
I would like to have a better day today. And
he just kind of looked at me, and I said
it in love. I was not disrespectful, but I set
that boundary and him and I. He never really apologized,
and I didn't need him to. I was just setting
the boundary because I'm the manager, so you have to
(21:52):
treat me with some level of respect, even if you're
having a bad day. I'm here for you. I'm part
of your team, but you don't get to be mean
to me. And so I was definitely more firm. But
he changed, he changed his attitude. He has not been
like that since. He definitely has been more intentional in
(22:19):
building a relationship with me. And I think it's I
think it is in our approach. You know, one, I
know who I am, I know my worth, and I
know that I don't deserve to be talked to like that.
So if I can say it in a way where
I'm not diminishing their worth, but I'm recognizing that I
get to be treated better. It landed really well. So
(22:45):
I don't know if that's a good answer, because every.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Perfect answer, and you know, it made me think as
I should. My daughter's forty one, and I had a
tumultuous childhood in wanted to raise her differently. And I
remember like tening to read and we were having a
conversation in the tone of and she was the most
easiest child. She was an amazing kid. That's why I
(23:07):
stopped at one. I was like, oh oh, and and
I remember it was that little normal, little sass you
know that comes up when they had a certain age.
And I remember just looking at her, I said, would
you like to try saying that again? Yep, I do.
That's it. I was angry, I wasn't anything, and and
(23:30):
that was our language of our house. Rule is you
can say anything to me, but you'll always watch how
you say it, like if you're angry. You can be angry,
of course, if you're sad, all that, but there is
there's always that message of respect and validation both ways.
(23:51):
And to watch her now with a granddaughter, the bond
they have because she now lives that same message with
her her right and to me, that's isn't it what
it's all about. It's listen, we're if we're emotionally mature adults,
we can have hard conversations without demeaning the other person
(24:14):
or or accepting less than we deserve. So I think
that's key too. So we're going to take our next
break that and we will be back in a moment.
When we come back, we're going to be talking about
cultural and family expectations, how they affect the way we
communicate and how we love. So stay with us with
(24:37):
Johnny Woods, author of Burned, Blocked, and Better Than Ever.
You can learn more at Johnny Woods dot com and
that is j O ni Woods dot com. As always,
all the links and bio and information is in the
show notes.
Speaker 4 (24:54):
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Speaker 2 (26:54):
Welcome back and listen to inspired conversations. I'm with Jonnie Woods,
Oh Johnny Woods dot com, author of Burned Block and
Better Than Ever. So I'm curious because how do cultural
and family expectations affect the way we communicate in love.
I mean, I can see some threads throughout my family,
(27:15):
So I'm curious of your thoughts.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Yeah, so that is kind of the big chunk of
my book to start, and why it's more self care
because or self help. I grew up in a Pentecostal
church in Canada, very deeply religious. My parents were at
church all the time, and I was just constantly told
(27:41):
over and over and over again, this is who you
needed to be to be to receive any kind of
unconditional love, and if you hit that expectation, you would
get all this love that I never really got because
my parents had a very violent relationship. And then when
my mom left, I was I stayed with my father
(28:03):
and he used religion as a weapon and you either
hit the mark or you didn't, and if you didn't,
there was punishments and if you did, you still never
really fully felt loved. And so being taught that through
my entire life was okay, you needed to be a
good Christian girl. This is how you be a good
(28:24):
Christian girl. This is how when I moved in with
my mom, she went back to the faith. And then
all of a sudden, it was all about religion again.
This is these expectations of being a good Christian teenager.
This is the stuff that you do for the church.
You know, all of this. It was constant expectation, expectation.
(28:45):
And then I went into pastoral school and the same thing.
You know, if you wanted to find a good husband,
this is how you needed to behave These were the shirts.
I mean they had like a dress code two very
strict dress code for girls. For the women, and it
was just like the guy's never got anything. You know,
(29:06):
it was constant double standard. If we wanted a good husband,
we needed to be a good wife if we wanted
you know, all of these kind of things. And it
really struck me. We went on a missions trip to
Haiti and we had a hike like seven or eight
hours up a mountain. It was exhausting and it was
a co ed trip and we get to the top
and we're up there, there's very little water, you know,
(29:29):
and one of my male co workers started to feel ill,
and I just trying to be a decent human being,
start getting the water, start getting some food. I start
trying to like sit and take care of them. And
I got in trouble for it, and they told me,
They're like, you can't do that because he might start
lusting after you. And I was like, this is this
(29:50):
is ridiculous, Like why I should be able to be
a decent human being and you you are telling me
I'm fail in my expectation of being a godly woman
because I'm helping someone because he might sin. Like it
was just like a contradiction, exactly exactly. And it was
(30:12):
just so for me putting all that stuff aside, because
when I got a divorce, you know, the church obviously
was like, hey, you know, you can't be a pastor
anymore because you're divorced. And it was just like, fine,
you know what, then I'm going to be someone who
is full of love and kindness and that's that's going
to be my goal in life. And if I don't
(30:33):
meet your expectation because I'm not godly enough, or I'm
not good enough, or I've made this mistake in my past,
or I've done this, or I've made this choice. Because
I prefer to be known for love and kindness, then
your spiritual expectation of me, you know, like that kind
of stuff, then fine, But I will because of that,
I will love myself better. And when I love myself better,
(30:54):
then I'm able to love others better. Because I just
was constantly told, especially my marriage, that I wasn't measuring up.
I wasn't a good enough pastor's wife. I wasn't a
good enough wife. I wasn't a good enough homemaker. I
wasn't I was a great mother. He told me that
all the time, but I was failing in every other area.
(31:14):
And because I had been told my entire life that
I had these expectations I needed to hit. I never
felt truly loved, and I never But because I walked
out of that marriage and because I chose to love
myself more, I am happy. I'm so happy with who
I am. I'm very happy and feel love. I just honestly,
(31:37):
genuinely feel love.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
What a story and what a journey, you know, It's
almost like there was this soul wisdom within you, even
on that on that hype that day, that says, I
am not going to be told to be less than
when I'm just here to love and support and serve.
(32:01):
It was so there was always this little fire in
you that knew your truth.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
It sounds yeah, And I got in trouble for that
a lot.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
I believe me. I get you, girl, But you know
what isn't there. I've always said I'd rather be loved
for who I truly am. Right, I'm sorry, I'd rather
be hated for who I truly am than loved for
who I'm not right, Like so many of us walking
around with this persona for love, acceptance and validation, but
(32:33):
inside we're dying because we're not being true to who
we are. Yeah. And I just say, those that are
meant for me, whether that's clients, relationship, it doesn't matter
what it is. I'm going to show up as love
as you know, being authentic. I want the highest version
of me to come through. And that's what your journey
(32:55):
sounds like to me, that you wanted to lead from
that place that of love. Yep, it wasn't always accepted.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Nope, and it's still yeah, it's still hard for people
to even understand it now, Like it's yeah, it's always interesting.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It is because it was just on a group call
with a bunch of the speakers, exhibitors and sponsors of
an upcoming women's event, and we were talking and they're like.
Someone said something because she had been following me for
almost twenty years on social media, and she said, I
can feel your heart, Linda. She goes, You've always been
(33:36):
about love and service, and now that I'm in your circle,
I can feel it. To me, that was the best
compliment someone could give me, other than hey, you're so successful,
Hey you're cute, right, anything like that, like, oh, she
can feel my love, Like, isn't that what we all want?
Speaker 3 (33:54):
I think? So that is definitely, I mean, I know
that that's what it is for me. I think a
lot of people though, they struggle to even know what
it is that they want to be.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
No, I agree, I agree, and honestly, I've been there.
I'm sixty three now, but I probably the first thirty
years of my life, maybe thirty five, I really didn't
know who I was. You know. It always reminds me
of that movie with Richard Gear and Julia Roberts. I
think it was called Runaway Bride. When she said she
didn't know what kind of egg she liked because she
(34:26):
always ate the ones that of her partner. I cried
when it said that, I'm like that me because I've
always morphed myself into who I thought that person wanted
me to be. That by the time I was thirties,
I just woke up one day, like, what do I like?
What excites me? I had to almost re meet myself.
Speaker 3 (34:49):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
And I've been on that journey for us since nineteen
ninety one is when I had my spiritual awakening. But
there's like an excavation of all the stories, the the
have tos that we pick up in life. Do you
notice that in the work that you're doing in the
world that people have these personas they think they have
to live under so they hide their true self. Yes.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And unfortunately, so that's where we start to see the
damage in cultures, because there's a some statistic out there
that says, you know, you don't really know someone you're
dating until after like month six or nine or something
like that, where their true colors really start to show
and the same thing happens in the business practice. They
(35:34):
come in wanting to be what they think you want
them to be, and it's like, no, we want you
to be you so that we can put you in
the right spot that helps you grow and helps the
company grow. And I do. I do a lot of speaking,
and I spoke out a disrupt HR event and my
(35:56):
title was go ahead and drink on the job, and
it was meant to talk about you know, when people
or one or two drinks in, you know, their true colors,
their authentic self, really start to show up. And that's
the person that we want doing sales or leadership. Assuming
it's good. You know, sometimes there's a dark streak and
(36:16):
you're like you need their people. But you know, for
the most part, everyone's suddenly so confident and everyone is
suddenly so engaging, and it's it's like, yeah, that's because
we've stripped off those expectations. And you know, as a company,
why don't we invite our team to come in and
(36:36):
be that way from the get go and then and
then we get to mold and make them and build
their leadership skills or build their sales skills. But if
we don't see their the authentic self when they come
in or if they're not willing to or able to
show off that authentic self, we it takes so much
longer to build build a cohesive and good team.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Is that way most of your work is with organizations?
Or are you do you do private one on one also,
just so all listeners, No.
Speaker 3 (37:10):
Yeah, no, I do private one on one. I Actually
one of my favorite ones out of twenty twenty four
was I worked with a family. They it was sisters,
it was like or five sisters, and they were trying
to navigate the care for their elderly mother and it
was all hot heads and you know Italian family and
(37:34):
all of the stuff that they brought in and the years,
and I mean we worked together for nine months. And
it's funny because you know, everyone's like, oh, well, you're
going to fix my relationship. I'm like, I probably not.
But what I am going to do is teach you
how to better communicate what it is that you're looking
for and better understand your partner, your sisters, you know.
(38:00):
And it got to the point where, yeah, her frustration,
the one that brought me in. Her frustration was that
she wanted to see more engagement in her siblings, and
we were able to get down to, well, here's who's
going to be engaged and how they're going to be engaged.
And we had to change her expectations of them and
(38:22):
really align with what it was that they were able
and willing to do, and that because of that, there
was more freedom in talking about managing the healthcare of
their mother and talking about the roles and responsibilities with
less emotional frustrations behind it because we had set the
(38:43):
boundary like this is, let's start first with what's your expectation,
and then let's find out what their availability is to
meet that expectation. And I love that. I mean, it
was nine months and it was great conversations, conversations, tense conversations.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
But.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
They walked out of it with a more cohesive plan.
I don't I didn't fix their internal sibling relationship. That
wasn't my goal. My goal was to help come up
with a plan for their mother. But it was it
was I would consider a successful coaching.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
That was a powerful story. And we're going to take off.
I think it's going to be a final break now
that I can't believe this time is flying, my friend,
We're going to be back in a moment, my friends,
and we're going to be talking about how to recognize
when maybe you're staying in a relationship out of fear
rather than true connection. In so much more, we'll be
(39:43):
back in a moment, my friends.
Speaker 4 (39:45):
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(41:19):
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Speaker 4 (41:27):
Now I'm asking you questions like what, hi, boobo? Do
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Speaker 2 (41:59):
You're listening to conversations. I'm with Johnny Woods. You can
learn more at Johnnywoods dot com, the url and bio
or all below in the show notes. She's the author
of Burned, Blocked and Better than Ever. So let's say
one of our listeners is in a relationship. What's a
(42:20):
way they can learn to recognize if they're in that
relationship for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 3 (42:29):
I think learning if you're in the relationship for the
wrong reasons is what do you say when you tell
your story. I have a lot of people. I didn't
know how miserable marriages were out there until I got
a divorced because nobody talks about how miserable their relationship is.
(42:50):
You only ever highlight the good stuff. And I really
came to it when I was like, man, when I
tell people what's going on in my relationship, it really
freaks them out because you know, when you're actually having
to say, oh, yeah this happened, or oh yeah this happened,
(43:11):
and if someone's looking at you and they're there, they
can see it because they're the outside perspective, and they
recognize that that's not healthy, that's not okay. That's the
validation that you need. So think about your story. If
you were to talk about your relationship today, how it looked,
what happened in it? Were you wanting to go go home?
(43:34):
You know, there were times that I just didn't want
to drive home. There were times that you know, I
would see a deep ravine and be like, oh, if
iinanturally fell into there, it'd be okay. You know, those
are kind of warning signs. Not that I was suicidal,
but it was just like that I just didn't want
to go home. And so saying those things out loud,
(43:55):
not even even if you're not saying it to anyone else,
but you're journaling it, or you're thinking it in the car,
or you're just like, man, I don't want to go home.
That right, there is a sign. Those are the things
that you should start looking for and listening to.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
That's a good one. I think we can all talk,
you know, experience that. So I'm curious, you know, after
that tumultuous divorce, which was not easy, as you shared,
what did you learn about dating after divorce that could
help others avoid repeating the days? Because I know, in
(44:31):
my younger is I just went right to the next
one and it was same old, same old, just in
a different costume. Yeah, I realized that I was the
common denominator.
Speaker 3 (44:43):
That is actually the second part of my book is
the whole dating experience. And so the first part is
recognizing the patterns. The second part is learning how to
break those And one of the things that I have
recognized in all of my you know, quote unquote therapies
at the hospital or you know, one on the bar,
conversations or anything like that, is you always get stuck
(45:06):
in your rebound. The rebound. Love is just so important
for you to gain self awareness of what it is
that you're looking for in your relationship. For me, my
my rebound. We met and within three weeks, three six weeks,
we were already planning our future together, you know, like
(45:26):
it was this world when Firecracker, you know, this was
the best thing ever. And then when it completely died
out the way all rebounds do, it took time for
me to go, Okay, what was it about this particular
relationship that made me go so unhinged and unhinged in
(45:47):
the sense that I was willing to like completely change
my life for this man that I just met, you know,
And it was because he gave. Like I was, I
was a starved puppy. I had no I'm a words
of affirmation person, I'm a physical touch person. I need
I need those things, and I didn't get any of that.
(46:10):
In fact, I got all the opposite. I was, you know,
verbally abused. I was always the problem. So when I
met this man, he filled that bucket so quick and
so fast, and I thought, for sure he's my soulmate. No,
he just found the right buttons. And it wasn't that
he was being vicious or anything like that. That was
just the way he communicated and it really resonated with me.
(46:32):
And so to recognize that what I need out of
relationships has to be a balance, you know, like I
want someone, I want a man to hold me accountable
in a gentle way, but I want him to be encouraging,
you know. So it was taking all of those things
that made me believe this big giant firework was true
love to go. Okay, what was it that I was needing?
(46:55):
I was a starved puppy, and he he immediately made
me feel loved. And so going back, as I started
to date after my rebound, it was easier because then
I was able to look at all these men who
are like, You're just so beautiful, You're the best person ever,
Why are you single? I didn't need that validation because
(47:16):
I already knew that. I knew I was great. I
knew I was beautiful. What I need is someone that's
going to not man explain things to me or you know,
not tear me down, or you know, like really be
a partner. And because of that, I was able to
slowly through the dating process just kind of weed out
the guys that I was like, no, I don't I
(47:38):
don't think that's real, legitimate, you know, honest conversation between us.
And it worked really good. You know, I'm proud of
my dating relationships and my stories and the friendships and
I managed to because I did it in that way,
still maintain friendships with former relationship ex boyfriends, and they're
(48:03):
great there in my book.
Speaker 2 (48:05):
I love that because I was always able to stay
connected and close to I've only had full long term
relationships before my honey here who I've been with them
thirty one years and a lot of people go, how
can you still be friends? And I go, because I
I think we heal that young woman drama. Yeah, And
(48:31):
you know, my even my honey now has become friends
with them, and I think that's a sign of healing,
right when you can meet someone where they are and
not from the story that you once lived. With them
because if we can change, other people can change. Yep.
And that's how I've come to see it. So what
(48:52):
are we still have a few minutes left? So what
is another if there's a woman struggling right now in
communication with a relationship, in a relationship, because one of
the things I hear most from my private coaching clients
is I don't feel heard, and so even though they
try to share their truth and share their feelings, it's
(49:17):
almost like in some cases it just bounces right off
that person. Is there a tip or strategy that you
would recommend to help like break down that wall.
Speaker 3 (49:32):
Yes, So it's one of the therapy tools, you know,
ask just ask more questions. So if you're trying to
get a point across and it's not landing, then I
start to ask, what are you hearing me say? Can
we talk about that? And if they're hearing something that
is completely off the wall, I don't get defensive about it.
(49:55):
I'm like, Okay, so this is your lens, you know.
And because we all see the world through how we
were raised, our traumas, we all hear responses through you know,
how people have argued with us. Like my ex husband
used to like Bret and badger me like he just
if he comes in hot and you're you're.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (50:15):
I shut down. So if I know that I am
trying to speak to someone and they are shutting down,
then I recognize right away this isn't about me, this
is about you, and so I start to ask questions
in that It's like, Okay, what are you feeling right now?
Is what I'm saying bringing out an insecurity in you?
(50:37):
And even if you can't talk about it with them
at that moment, if you're thinking about it, it helps
you kind of navigate how to say something to someone else.
Because I met even with a girlfriend I had accidentally
tagged her in a picture that wasn't her and she
got super offended about it, and I just was like,
(50:59):
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Clearly this was an accident,
and I had to recognize that for her that was
an insecurity that she was mistaken for someone else. And
so I sat down and I had a conversation and
I said, I really apologize. I obviously would not try
to do that to you. How can I make this better?
And I knew it wasn't me. I knew it was
(51:20):
an accident and it was a mistake, but how she
perceived it, how she reacted to it, told me that, Okay,
there's something going on with you, and how can I
help you? And so I think, just even if you
can't say it in the moment, just keeping that in
mind that, Okay, the fact that you're not hearing me
(51:40):
is saying something about you, not about me. Maybe they're
being maybe they feel insecure, maybe they feel jealous. You know,
I have a male friend who gets very jealous every
time I talk about other males in my life. And
I'm like, okay, we need we need to work on this.
And so, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
If that helps. That is major. And one of the
other things too, is you said you're doing a lot
of speaking, So if someone's interested in having you speak,
you do virtual speaking as well as in person and
organizational speaking. Correct. Yes, And I want to invite everyone
(52:20):
to visit Johnny Woods dot com and again that's jo
Ni Woods dot com. Grab a copy of her book
Burned is Blocked and Better than Ever. While you're there,
also learn more about her transformational coaching services. Johnny, I've
really loved this soucial conversation. Your journey is truly inspiring,
(52:44):
and I love how as I a saying I love
to say, is I love needing women to turn their
mess into their message that I'm raising my hand there.
Speaker 3 (52:53):
So thank you, You're welcome.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
Thank you for joining me, my friend. Thanks and until
next time, my friends, choose love, Choose joy, Choose happiness, blessings.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
Thanks for listening to Inspired Conversations with publisher Linda Joy.
Join our Sacred Space every Tuesday at two pm Eastern
and meet leading female visionaries, empowering authors, heart centered female entrepreneurs, coaches,
and healers. Inspired Conversations with Linda Joy is a soulful
(53:29):
venue where guests share the obstacles they've overcome, along with
wisdom and lessons learned on their personal journey that led
them to the transformational work they do in the world.
Inspire Conversations to empower you on your path to authentic
and soulful living.
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