October 8, 2024 • 51 mins
Maria is a passionate advocate for "normalizing" grief, dedicated to empowering grieving hearts. As a bereaved mom and Grief Coach, Maria has transformed her profound loss into a mission to support others. After the passing of her son and the pressure to conform to traditional stages of grief, Maria created a unique program to help women navigate their grief journey. Her approach focuses on letting go of self-judgment and finding pockets of peace.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Thank you for listening to pictures media radio.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Rat you readying to me? Oh will.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Well bad? Stop along you?
Speaker 4 (01:09):
I just need.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
So lash.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Along you?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Is it dead.
Speaker 5 (01:32):
Event?
Speaker 6 (01:37):
Some of the traditional ways of the psychological ways that
they say you're supposed to did twelve stages blah blah
blah sort of thing. It kind of it's trying to
force people to work against uh nature. That was one
of the things I liked about your process was you,
Oh thinks.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
I never even thought about that. You were basically yeah,
I kind of work with what works for people. There
isn't like saying, you know, you're supposed to doing this
and this and this. I really believe that we all
have our own inner wisdom, that intuition that is telling
us what we need. We're just not listening to it.
Speaker 6 (02:20):
There it is, we're not listening to it. With that
being said, why don't we get started? Welcome back, everybody.
Our next guest is a Beret mom and grief coach.
Marie is a passionate advocate for normalizing grief and dedicated
(02:41):
to empowering grieving hearts. As a Beret mom and a
grief coach, Marie has transformed her profound loss into a
mission to support others. After the passing away of her
son and the pressure to conform to traditional stages of grief,
(03:05):
Marie created a unique program to help women navigate their
grief journey. Her approach focuses on letting go of self
judgment and finding pockets of peace. You know, I like
what Marie is saying with this, and grief is normal
(03:30):
and we're at some point or another, we all will
go through it. And for myself, having lost a few
loved ones that I know that i'll see something that
reminds me of them and you have a moment of
grief and then you move on. But it's not something that, oh,
(03:57):
you just have to let go of the your loved ones.
It's also about for me, it's a process of holding
on to the memories and keeping that person alive in
my heart. So with that being said, why don't we
(04:19):
give a warm welcome to Marie as we introduce her
to the show something So welcome to the show, Marie.
(04:57):
It's great to have you. I always of meeting up
with you. It's pretty fun. So it's of course it's
his bereaved mom and coach. Well, the brief mom definitely
comes first, doesn't it, So it really does what happened
(05:19):
in your life, and why don't we go through that
just for a few minutes so people can kind of
understand who you are.
Speaker 4 (05:29):
Okay, Well, thank you, Michael, and I want to say
thank you. I always love chatting with you and being
your guest. It's always a delight. Yeah, I know, I've
finally have chosen to be a bereaved mom. For the
longest time, I used to say I was a griever,
a grieving mom because I used to put grief in
(05:49):
there and people would go, oh, it just happened, and
it's like, no, it happened many years ago. So my
son long story short. I mean my son had cancer cancer,
leukemia for eleven years, and you know, we went through
that cycle of ups and downs of cancer and it
just became a way of life. The reason I'm saying
(06:11):
this is because a lot of people have always told me,
but you knew he was gonna die. I kind of
look at it, going, yeah, we all know we are,
but it still doesn't stop us from living. So part
of that was, yes, I knew my son had cancer.
He knew he had cancer. We had been living with it.
For eleven years and kind of you know, you sort
(06:34):
of think, yeah, this is the way life is going
to be constantly, so this is what we got used to,
this is what we thought. So when he did die,
it was unexpected and because of that, and I always
go whether you know that someone has an illness, whether
(06:55):
they don't, there is still that shock when someone passes away,
especially when it's your loved one, because the expectation is
that they're still going to be there forever. And that
is what so I kind of went into this numbness,
like all of a sudden, your heart feels like it's
(07:17):
shattered into pieces. I went into this numbness of wanting
to wake up, going this must be a bad dream.
Like I don't even like horror movies, why am I
in one? And so that's almost like for the first
year is what I kind of felt like that when
(07:40):
was I going to wake up? And every time I
heard a noise, it's almost like, Okay, I'll just turn
around and he'll be there. And a lot of people
and this is one of the reasons why I became
a grief coach, is because a lot of times people
will say, oh, there's these stages you're in that denial stage. Well,
(08:00):
it's not really a denial because I knew who had died.
It's just sometimes I think our brain is protecting us
because all of a sudden it's a shock to our system.
We're thinking we're in a bad dream that we're going
to wake up from, and we're kind of like, so
they'll just turn around and they'll be there, and yes,
(08:22):
I'll know that it's a bad dream, which of course
didn't happen. And then as my journey and grief had
gotten then it's almost like I always go people kind
of think that once the funeral is over, that's it,
You're back to what was, and it's kind of like, yet, no,
(08:44):
you know, my son died. When your loved one passes away,
there is no back to normal. And then what I
found was, as the years went by, I was getting
told more and more about why am I not better,
Why am I stuck? Why am I still blah blah
blah into the grieving, And so what I found is
(09:06):
that I was regressing in the sense of repressing my feelings,
being more like, you know, presenting this mask up to
the public going oh, yeah, everything's fine, because I was
still working things like that, but underneath it felt a
(09:26):
total mess. So I kind of go for ten years,
I felt like I lost who I was and I
lost my life because I don't remember. It's a blur.
So for ten years it kind of felt like I
was stuck. I was going through the motions of life,
but I wasn't really present, like if you were to
tell me what was in there, I kind of like,
(09:48):
I don't know. I look at life as the before
and after, before my son was alive, after my son,
and that's how I can only remember things.
Speaker 6 (09:59):
Yeah, that's wow. That that that was pretty heavy, And
you must have been pretty close with your son.
Speaker 4 (10:12):
I think one of the things is that we had
a relationship. And also because of his cancer, I was
the one that was always went to his appointments. So
my son was sixteen when he was diagnosed and he
was twenty seven when he passed away. But I went
to all him his appointments. I was basically, as he
(10:34):
used to call me, I was his pr person. So
whenever he was in the hospital, I actually moved in
usually like and if they didn't allow me to move in,
I'd be there like first thing in the morning and
leave it the last person to be there and then
kind of do that whenever he was, so he kind
of knew that I was there, I would do that.
(10:56):
I'd call the grunge work. You know, patients were the hospital,
they want their pillows change, they want the water, they
want the so and they can't get up. So of
course they're clicking right asking for the nurses. Well, the
nurses are overworked, and so I kind of look at
it going, you know, we're actually doing a service doing
(11:19):
this grunge work. Like I'm not saying, you know, it's
beneath me or anything, because of course this is my child.
I don't care how old he is. I would be
doing it. You go get the extra blankets, you go
get the little things that they need. Flip over a pillow,
you move them over.
Speaker 6 (11:36):
Well, I kind of understand that one because I have
two children, and with God's graces, they're they're both healthy
and doing well. But when they were born, they is
a medical terms called help syndrome. My wife at the
(12:00):
time suffer from it and the other one my my
other ex wife. She had uh she could get pregnant,
she could carry, but there was a certain point where
she started getting sick automatically because of something with with
her wound, you know. But but so so they both
(12:20):
had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital.
It's like, of course, when I I would go there
before going to work, I would get up, start my day,
give get myself all ready to go to the hospital,
fluff for pillows, make sure she had lots of juice,
and all of those those little inty bitty things that
(12:41):
we said, oh, the nurse could do that. Well I
did all those old, itty bitty things instead of allowing
the nurse to do it, because because that's the person
that I loved. You know. It's like, so no, it's
not beneath you, you you, It's an act of love.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
And so true. And one of the things also is
that you know, the for the patient, whether it was
your your ex or my son, they actually feel more
comfortable that they have someone there that is actually looking
after them and is doing things out of love. And
(13:21):
I think that also helps them in their recovery or
even in making them feel comfortable. I mean, I know
with my son, every time he was in the hospital,
when I was there, he felt secure. It was like,
I know, my mom's got my back, right, because I
(13:42):
would also be advocate, Like if he couldn't speak, I
would be the one who would speak. I would be
the one who would look out for what changes there were.
And this isn't about putting the medical field down because
they are doing an excellent job of what they can. Again,
they have so many diff different patients. They could be
(14:03):
in one spot at one time and they can't see.
Speaker 6 (14:06):
Everything, right, That's the whole point that they is like
when our loved one is in is in the hospital,
is it's like we have one patient, well, the doctor
and the nurses used to I have a whole floor.
So if I I if I can assist them a
little bit, you know, and at the same time, I'm like,
(14:30):
I'm providing love for for for my loved one who's.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
There, right, So true, so true.
Speaker 6 (14:37):
So it's when you said for was eleven years.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Eleven years. Yeah, yeah, it h right. It's one of
those things where I always go when cancer enters your life,
you kind of get used to that roller coaster ride.
I mean there were highs and lows, uh, you know,
things seemed to go fine, and all of a sudden
we were in crisis mode. Yeah, where you needed emergency surgeries,
(15:06):
you needed treatments, so yeah, I mean basically, so I
went with him to all of his appointments, whether it
was with the oncologist, whether he was having treatments, like,
I would be the one who would be sitting beside
him if he had emergency surgeries, I would be the one.
I mean, Okay, I wasn't in the operating room because
(15:29):
they wouldn't allow me in there.
Speaker 6 (15:31):
But yeah, but he knew your spirit was was there
with him still, right, Yeah, And.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
I would be sitting at the hospital in the waiting room,
so he and I think that's part of sort of
knowing that someone's there for you. Yeah, right, because that
would be something that I would always tell him, i
can't be there physically for you, but I'm surrounding you,
And I would say, who I'm sending in with him
(16:00):
up from the spirit realm?
Speaker 6 (16:02):
Well why not? Right? You know, kids, I totally believe
in the spirit realm, And those who are listening they
know that I actually did an interview with a lady
who definitely speaks with angels and it was probably because
of that that we actually found each other. So, oh, yeah,
(16:27):
I don't believe in blind chances, there's cause and effect.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
So yeah, yeah, all right, we're supposed to meet the
people who were supposed to meet. And that's even some
of the things that I found, even when we were
in the hospital, I think because of what I was doing,
it actually gave courage to other people to kind of go, hey,
I can do what she's doing. And there were other
(16:54):
people that ended up. I remember speaking to a woman
whose husband was in the hospital and she kind of went, ria,
I saw what you did. So I kind of went, yeah,
I'm moving in here too.
Speaker 6 (17:06):
There you go. And the hospital does provide sometimes that
ability for you to move in sometimes I'm not going
to say all the time.
Speaker 4 (17:14):
Sometimes it does, and I just kind of did anyways,
whether they wanted it or yeah. Yeah, So sometimes I
wasn't the well liked person in but.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
That's the ide did That's that's your empowerment part.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
Yeah, you know, yeah, and so this is it. I mean,
this is what the woman said. She kind of goes
she she probably saved her husband's life because in the
middle of the night he fell, and she had been
there and had seen that, because otherwise, sometimes you know,
you fall, no one's there.
Speaker 6 (17:50):
That's another problem that we're going to say, say for
another time, because that that could be quite the rabbit hole.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Uh, they we won't go down there.
Speaker 6 (18:03):
You're not going down the day we have.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Conversations, we kind of go off a tangent. I will
stay on topic.
Speaker 6 (18:09):
Yeah, But but I can kind of understand because you
because I've I've heard this story out of out of
another another grief uh specialist that I know. And I'm
going to actually give Laura Laane a bit of a
(18:32):
shout out there and and tell people that they should
that they have a kid, socially young kid in in
the hospital, that there's a product out there called the
Stronger Planner and if you go to stronger Planner dot
Com that you will find Laura Lane's work on that. So,
(18:57):
but she said something in her story something similar to
what you did. It's like cancer just moved in. It's
that that guess is the unexpected guests that just doesn't
want to leave your family.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
Yeah, And and I don't know, I mean my attitude
is a little bit different. I know my son when
he was first diagnosed, had become depressed understandably, so he's
sixteen years old. Nobody wants to be told all right,
that you have something, and so I kind of let
(19:35):
him handle it for a while and then afterwards. So
for me, how I reframed it, and I'm going to
say reframed is that instead of using the word cancer,
I just went, you have a blood condition, okay, all right,
and kind of went, look, you know, we're we're all different.
(19:55):
We all have things that sometimes we're aware of, sometimes
maybe we're not aware of. Yeah, So saying it as
a condition was almost like saying, hey, you got blue eyes.
Somebody else's brown eyes. You know, some people have diabetes,
some people have epilepsy. So we'll treat it as that
and we'll just take it one day at a time
(20:17):
because we don't know what's going to happen. The doctors
didn't know what was going to happen, because it was
a rare blood disease that he had, Yeah, and so
they were they were kind of like, we don't know
what's going to happen. We'll just give him treatment when
he needs it kind of thing. And so has things happened,
And so that's the attitude that we ended up taking.
(20:39):
And so as soon as you say it's a condition,
all of a sudden it's downplaned, right, like people around
you start downplaying it. Rather than the big sea, it
becomes a little sea.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Yeah. Well, my wife not wife, she actually has anemia,
you know, and it's still a blood condition. And at
times if I don't pump enough iron into her she
falls flat on her face. I'm joking, of course, but
(21:15):
but she has trouble getting up and doing stuff, you know.
So and blood is extremely important to us because he
carries all those nutrients, oxygen and all that sort of stuff,
and when you have a malfunction with it, it shows,
and it usually shows up pretty quick, doesn't it.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You know what. I guess one of the aspects in
regards to my son, a lot of times on the
outside you really wouldn't know what was going on, but
on the inside it it really was. Because part of
what he had also affected his bone marrow. And so
(22:01):
like our our bodies are really great. They produce all
these things that I'm not in the medical field, but
I know it's magical and when something isn't working, the
magic kind of goes off. You know. It's like watching
a magic trick and you can see how someone's oh
that's that was a terrible trick, right, but when it's
(22:22):
done artfully, you're in awe, like it's like, wow, look
at that great magician. So in actual fact, I think
our bodies are like that in awe, Like when it's
done right, it is magical, awe inspiring. And when something
isn't right, you're right, it's off balance or off kilter
(22:46):
sort of yeah, yeah, right, And so that's what was
happening with my son. So I know one of the
doctors explained my son's I don't know if it's the
blood vessel he goes. Think of it as a highway.
This one is blocked like it's you know, the highway
(23:07):
that it's at a standstill. It's like bumper to bumper.
So now the blood has to use secondary arteries, like
the secondary streets, but they're getting busy now too because
it's getting plugged up. So then it's so when we're
dealing with like what he had. And then part of
(23:28):
the blood was also wasn't producing something right like as
platelets were up and so it was producing like a
solid mass and everything was getting plugged up. So a
lot of things. So part of it, which sometimes people
didn't understand, is that a common cold for my son,
could also be life threatening because basically if he were
(23:52):
to cough and stuff like that, he could start throwing
up blood and we'd have to go to the emergency
even a nosebleed, because he was also on blood thinner
to make sure that the blood was right, like that's
what people are on blood thinders. So there were a
lot of things going on, but nobody saw it because
it was all happening on the inside. And then it
(24:12):
was affecting his other organs. Yeah, and so when and
with our organs, you don't see it because everything's happening inside.
And so I think with my son, part of it
was he didn't really want people to know what he had,
so he you know, would still go to the gym
(24:34):
when he could, he'd work out. I mean, when you
looked at him, you thought he was a GQ model
kind of thing.
Speaker 6 (24:40):
Well, because I had to say, that's good for him,
because they probably helped extend that eleven years. It's extended
to the eleven years.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Oh it, it probably did. And I think even a
psychologist had kind of said that because I had reframed it.
We weren't focusing on, oh my god, you have cancer.
What are we going to do it? Was like, yeah, okay,
you got cancer. It's a blood condition. What are we
doing about it? We'll just you know, it's an everyday fact.
And I think that's what it is. When we say
we move, it moves in with us. You just kind
(25:11):
of go, yeah, stuff happened. Sometimes you have an emergency surgery.
So you know, we'll deal with it as it is
the sort of thing.
Speaker 6 (25:21):
Yeah, well, well we can trip over. This is actually
a real life thing. This actually did happen. So I
tripped over their daughter's cat and they wound up in
emergency surgery. Uh over. Actually it's a series of surgeries
over five years. But hey, you don't you don't know.
(25:45):
You don't know what's going to happen in the next seconds, right,
So I thank you.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
So I always so from the cancer is now shifted
to grief has moved in. So I always call grief
now is my companion. It just walks with me.
Speaker 6 (26:03):
Well, depending on how you frame that, that's not so bad.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
Well, I think grief has this thing where everyone looks
at it like, oh, she's constantly sad. I always go,
if you really want to empty a room out, just
go in and go hey, I'm in grief. I'm grieving,
and people will just walk towards the other side, trying
to see how fast they can get out of the door.
(26:33):
People are uncomfortable speaking about grief because they what a
lot of people expect is they're going to get someone
who is, you know, teary eyed, sad, crying. And I
think this is how even the movies kind of portray it. Yes,
some people, that is how we deal with our emotions.
(26:55):
And that's okay because we're all I mean, I look
at it in emotion or emotions and think of it
as someone who's excited who wins the lottery. You're going
to have somebody who's jumping up and down and just
shouting and whatever, and then you're going to have someone
who quietly goes, yeah, I won. Is either one right
(27:17):
and how they do things, No, they're both are. That's
how their personality works, right, and grief is the same thing.
We're going to deal with it. However, we deal with emotions,
and yes, at times the emotions are so overwhelming that
it is going to be more of I'm not gonna
(27:42):
say demonstrative, but a lot of times we don't ourselves
don't even know what we're feeling because some is so
undescribable and how much the pain is.
Speaker 6 (27:52):
Yeah, with that being said, for myself, one of my
best friends passed the way and I found myself at
some point I was just becoming a little too snappy
of people, a little too much sarcasm.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
And.
Speaker 6 (28:15):
It was something that happened and I was and it
was like a mirror appeared and said, Oh, I need
to sit down with someone. I mean, and I want to.
I'm saying that because I also want people out there
who are listening to like, Hey, do you need that mirror?
(28:37):
Do you need that mirror to appear for you so
that you know no when or when you need need
the help, they need to sit down with you and
talk about it. Because grief of peers in different ways
it and sometimes we can we need help dealing with it.
Speaker 4 (28:51):
Right, Well, we need help and I always go support.
So I'm more of a peer to peer. Right, I'm
not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. So for me,
it's about acknowledging where someone is and meeting them exactly
where they're at. Because in our grief journeys, we're all
going to be at a different spot, a different place,
(29:14):
and part of it sometimes is, as you said, it's
bringing that awareness or recognizing what we're feeling. And it's
natural sometimes to be snappy. I mean, sometimes we can
be snappy because we're saddened by what has happened, and
someone else maybe laughing and things like that, and we're
(29:35):
kind of like, what the heck are you laughing for?
I know, I kind of get snappy when I'm at
a funeral because I'm thinking people shouldn't, you know, depending
on what it is. If a family or someone has
lost their loved one, take your conversation outside. Don't be
in front of that family, unless, of course, you're sharing
stories about their person. Most of the time they're not.
(30:02):
And that, I think is what happens in grief, is
that all of a sudden, we have the people who
are we think are our friends or family, those who
we love, are going to talk about our person, and
yet what happens is they kind of are silent, and
(30:24):
that silence hurts even more because as we remember someone,
because I always go, look, my son lived, I will
never forget him. And so if that makes me a
bereaved mom because I'm missing him, so be it, and
if someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine. However,
(30:45):
when someone else mentions my son and says stories about him,
that actually, yes, it could bring sadness, but it also
brings joy because we it's through us and through the
stories that they are actually kept. You know, their memories
are alive. We know that they touched and impacted other
(31:08):
people's lives. And sometimes in grief it feels uncomfortable because
nobody wants to talk about them. I mean, they use
about oh well, we thought it would make you sad. Well,
guess what. I'd rather be sad and someone talking about
them than someone kind of almost pretending that he never existed.
Speaker 6 (31:29):
You know, I totally understand that we need to keep
sharing the stories because my it's my personal belief that
if we keep sharing the stories that they say that
they're kept alive. Yeah, oh so I get what you're saying, though,
is we need to keep talking and keep talking about
(31:52):
the who the person was and everything, right, even and
even if it is in front of you, it's like,
you know, we're taking if we were talking about your
son in front of you, that actually, especially if it's
a happy story, it kind of makes you feel good
to eat that he was happy, that he found that happiness.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
Right, Well, I think too. Part of it is that
it's be the same as your friend in the sense
of he would have had other friends. So if those
other friends share stories, sometimes that is a side that
maybe you hadn't seen of your friend. Or if your
friend's parents share stories about him, that would be something
(32:34):
that is a different aspect that you may not have known. Yeah, right,
It's not good or bad, it's just something that sometimes,
I mean, I look at my son and I'm going
I wouldn't have known every aspect of him because as
his mom, there are things that I know that, but
he would share different things with his friends, or the
experiences would be different of what he would share. Yeah,
(32:59):
and here those stories. It's kind of like wow, you know,
like it's kind of like it it really does. It
brings like this enlightenment and joy I always go in grief,
different emotions can coexist. Grief is actually a complex emotion.
I mean, I'm gonna call grief an emotion and it's complex,
(33:23):
and it's basically saying, look, sadness and joy can coexist.
You can be sad and you can be happy, you
could be angry, and you could be sad. So there's
a lot of emotions all together. And yet I'm like,
we accept it outside of grief, However, we kind of
(33:44):
don't want it inside of grief. Does that make sense?
Speaker 6 (33:48):
Kind of let's try it if it's just the library
a little more on.
Speaker 4 (33:53):
That, right, Like, I mean, when we're okay, I always
go I mean I still have not met a person
who is happy twenty four to seven. You know, there's this, right,
like we're supposed so when we're living life, we have
different emotions. People are activated by a different sense. I mean,
(34:17):
just in normal life without even experiencing loss. Yeah, and
when we experience loss all of a sudden the outside world,
all of a sudden, it's almost like, well, you are
allowed to have these emotions. Anything else after that means
(34:38):
you have to be better or you're stuck. And yet
life still happens, right, It's kind of like it's intertwined.
I'm doing this dance of intertwining.
Speaker 6 (34:53):
Yeah, Okay, then I kind of get what you're saying
with that, right, because like my friend I'm actually sitting
in her last office chair, you know, and I have
(35:13):
a little box of stuff that that was that was
hers and and she and she told me we never
actually had a chance to talk about what was supposed
to go where because it was hers was it was
a sudden thing, it was an accident. And I have,
you know, the the Buddhist uh bowl, the singing bowl
(35:38):
I have. I have her her singing bowl, and and
every now and again it's like it's like, you know,
I get stuck on something, something that she would have
helped me with, and I go and play with the
bowl and they sit in the chair and there's like
and all of a sudden an answer comes to me,
you know, sort of thing like that. But it's like,
(35:59):
but I tried to all of my loved ones that
have passed on. I try to make sure I have
something that that I'm still surrounded by their memory. I mean,
I guess maybe some would say that there's something wrong
with that, and others would say there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (36:19):
And part of that sharing, and I thank you so
much for sharing, is that when you're thinking at the
ball and it's hers, you have emotions that come up.
They could be sadness because she's not there, but there's
also the joy or the delight in knowing that this
bull was hers and you have it.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
Yeah. Well, the sadness is because I put it like this,
I said, sometimes you just wish that you could pick
up the phone and call them and tell them that, hey,
this is where I'm stuck right now. Can you help me? Yeah, well,
you can't do that. We don't have a phone line
that works that way. But but if you have something
(37:04):
that that that that you remember being full of their energy,
it's like that energy still it's still there.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
Mm hmm. So and I always go and I thank
you so much for sharing. Is that that's what we
need to have more of. That's why I'm on a
mission to normalize the conversation around grief is to actually
be able to say I can share these stories about
(37:35):
her or about our loved ones that are no longer
here and be okay with that and be acknowledged for
the missing of the physical presence.
Speaker 6 (37:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
And that's really what I think I'm more about, is
sort of saying, look, there is no right or wrong
way to grieve. Like I really totally believe that the
five stages, I mean, they were never really meant for grief.
But I don't know how they ended up getting there.
They were supposed to be meant for the five stages
of the dying, and I'm like, and I don't I
(38:11):
think even for the five stages of the dying, they
probably are out. I mean, I'm gonna call it the
BS because you know what, like when does life fit
into neat boxes? So all of a sudden death is
going to fit into a neat box? Or our emotions
(38:34):
are grief And I'm like, no, like, why are we
having like these boxes that we're supposed to tick. Yes,
there may be aspects of people like to say, like
we're in the denial stage or the anger. Well, you know,
in a lot of times we can be in the
denial of a lot of things. All Right, I kind
(38:56):
of look at it. I know that sugar isn't good
for me, but sometimes when I'm eating something, I'm in
denial that of what's going to happen.
Speaker 6 (39:07):
Yeah, well, I mean what do you think of this
that like the picture frame's behind you? People want that
to be grief, that it's framed nice and neat. Do
hear I have it? And then they put it back
on the wall.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Yeah, that's pretty much what people sort of think it's
this nice neat box we put it in. We're done,
We're complete. I think a lot of people want. I mean,
we're in an instant society, and I can't say that
it's just from this, I think for the longest time,
(39:47):
I mean even throughout history, Yes, there were rituals that
people followed, and I have no idea when it kind
of started. Where you're sort of thinking, people stop talking
about the people who died. It was almost like, don't
say their names, and you're like why, Like I never
(40:12):
understood that. It was almost like they don't exist anymore.
And I think that what makes us all more fearful
and actually adds more stress to ourselves, especially to someone
who has experienced the loss of their loved one, because
(40:33):
all of a sudden, it's kind of like you feel alone,
like isolated, like there's no one to talk to, you
can't share your emotions. And that's really what I'm all about,
is I want someone to just share what their experience is,
to say I acknowledge what you went through. It's without judgment,
(40:55):
because it's like with everything else. I mean, as you said,
the picture behind me, I really like it. That's why
it's behind me. You may look at it and go, Maria,
like that picture is crap, Like why the heck do
you have it? Now, both of us are both right
(41:17):
because it's our own perspective. And so this is what
grief is like, is that it's from our own perspective.
And so making someone incorrect because of their feelings, how can.
Speaker 6 (41:34):
That be like, yeah, there's that's that's in no such
things sort of thing.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (41:43):
Yeah. So let me ask you this because because I
want to touch on the empowerment part, because that is
a major thing. How do you help people empower themselves
in grief? How does that process actually take place?
Speaker 4 (42:02):
So how it takes place is that I have the
five pillars of care, like car that I use as
a acriminin, and part of it is about giving yourself compassion.
A lot of times I think we're so judgmental on ourselves. Right,
we do this thing about that we have what we
(42:24):
should have done, what we could have done, what we
would have done, even with our own emotions. I shouldn't
be feeling this. I shouldn't be And so that's like
our inner voice or our inner dialogue that we're giving ourselves.
And so by giving ourselves compassion. There's a way to
soften that and to release it because a lot of
(42:46):
times is that we were dealing in hindsight right Like
It's like, and I'm going to use the lottery as
an example, because that's an easy one for people to understand.
Once a number are called, we know what the numbers are,
and some of us will go, why didn't I pick
those numbers? Well, that is hindsight, and that sometimes is
(43:11):
the same thing with grief. We know things now that
we didn't know back then, and so we may say
things like, oh, why did I give them the keys?
Why did they go in that car? Why did they
drive down that street? I should have kept them here? No,
I mean even for myself, I would be like, how
(43:31):
come I didn't find the cure for cancer? They still haven't,
But how come I didn't? I mean, I'm a mom,
I'm super mom. So we kind of give ourselves this.
We believe we had super powers, and if we go
back to the magician, it's almost like we've had this
magic wand that has been dormant that we forgot to use. Well,
(43:57):
we don't have this magic wand and we can't change things.
Even in hindsight. And that is our mind who is
saying that we have control, because a lot of times
because we had no control, our mind wants to give
us that we had control. It's like that oxymoron thing, right,
(44:22):
And so that is part of what we need to release.
And so basically that's what I kind of do is
working with your intuition. I always go we all have
our inner wisdom. It's we listen to it. Yeah, because
(44:45):
our intuition knows what's right for you. And that's basically
what the grief work is. It's not about Okay, here's
these neat boxes you need to do this, this, and this.
It's individual. It's in individual of what is best for you,
what works for you, and being acknowledged and validated that
(45:10):
you have a right to your pain and that your
experience is validated and you and your grief are validated.
Speaker 6 (45:18):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (45:25):
So who our times up? Yeah, this happens when we
have a conversation. We can just go on and on.
Speaker 6 (45:35):
We have and every time we meet we usually do
go on and on. It's like, oh yeah, so I'm
just gonna say this way. Best way is to get
a hold of you and work with you because there's
a lot of people out there that that need your help.
Speaker 4 (45:51):
Yeah, so email me at Hope at Maria Balanic dot com. Right,
and I think I sent a free gift for your
audience right about five compassion.
Speaker 6 (46:02):
Yeah, let's go over the free gift.
Speaker 4 (46:05):
Yeah. So I really truly believe that we need to
give ourselves compassion, and so for that, that's one of
the gifts that I've given is how do you give
yourself compassion? And the guide goes through that. So there's
little exercises that go through about that, and I always go,
(46:26):
compassion is going to look different. It really is individualized
in regards of showing your self kindness, right, Like we
think we give it to everyone else except for our
own selves, and it's our own selves that really need
it more so because it's about honoring who we are
(46:48):
because a lot of times we're rejecting who we are.
Speaker 6 (46:52):
Yeah, Yeah, I agreed. A lot of times we and
we tried to fight up river against who we are
actually are.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
Yeah, and in grief even more so. Right, we want
to hide, we want to push down all of this.
And what I've learned is that when I accepted that
grief was going to be in my life. That's why
I said at the very beginning, grief walks with me,
and grief has many faces. Like just because I call
(47:24):
myself a bereaved mom, I can still laugh, I can
and still enjoy life at this moment. However, I will
still have moments of sadness where sometimes maybe getting out
of bed is really hard.
Speaker 6 (47:39):
Yeah, yeah, and that's hey, yeah, it is okay. And
it's like being bereaved is something that people don't want
to hear, but hey, you need you. We we we
all eventually are going to be walking with grief and
we should embrace it. Right to point.
Speaker 4 (48:03):
Yeah, you know, I'm going to say, like I have
brown hair, so I'm using you know, bereavement as yeah,
I have brown hair. One day maybe i'll have red hair,
but breeds will. I mean, it's still hair. But again,
it's about acknowledging rather than hiding, right.
Speaker 6 (48:24):
Right, So thank you for your time today. This has
been wonderful. You do wonderful work for people, and I'm
glad you're a friend.
Speaker 4 (48:36):
Oh my, I know A like to talk to Michael.
I think that's why we always go on and on.
Speaker 6 (48:44):
Yeah, so thank you for listening to everybody find that
subscribe button wherever it is, and remember, if you do
need help with your grief and that mirror has popped
up in front of you and says, oh yeah, I
do need to work with Murray, go to Hope at
Maria Blaylock.
Speaker 4 (49:06):
Or our website is Maria Bolanic dot com.
Speaker 6 (49:10):
Yeah, and that will be in the show notes. Guys,
so along with the free gift. Okay, help us.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
To so.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
I don't know, so your phone matcher, what.
Speaker 4 (49:56):
This guess?
Speaker 5 (50:00):
A reason to sit me battle Joe.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Wall shots, we can't dress wait, so.
Speaker 6 (50:56):
She go to sh.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
The show has been produced by Depictions Media.
Speaker 6 (51:45):
Please contact us at depictions dot media for more information
Thank you for listening to pictures media radio.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Rat you readying to me? Oh will.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Well bad? Stop along you?
Speaker 4 (01:09):
I just need.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
So lash.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Along you?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Is it dead.
Speaker 5 (01:32):
Event?
Speaker 6 (01:37):
Some of the traditional ways of the psychological ways that
they say you're supposed to did twelve stages blah blah
blah sort of thing. It kind of it's trying to
force people to work against uh nature. That was one
of the things I liked about your process was you,
Oh thinks.
Speaker 4 (01:58):
I never even thought about that. You were basically yeah,
I kind of work with what works for people. There
isn't like saying, you know, you're supposed to doing this
and this and this. I really believe that we all
have our own inner wisdom, that intuition that is telling
us what we need. We're just not listening to it.
Speaker 6 (02:20):
There it is, we're not listening to it. With that
being said, why don't we get started? Welcome back, everybody.
Our next guest is a Beret mom and grief coach.
Marie is a passionate advocate for normalizing grief and dedicated
(02:41):
to empowering grieving hearts. As a Beret mom and a
grief coach, Marie has transformed her profound loss into a
mission to support others. After the passing away of her
son and the pressure to conform to traditional stages of grief,
(03:05):
Marie created a unique program to help women navigate their
grief journey. Her approach focuses on letting go of self
judgment and finding pockets of peace. You know, I like
what Marie is saying with this, and grief is normal
(03:30):
and we're at some point or another, we all will
go through it. And for myself, having lost a few
loved ones that I know that i'll see something that
reminds me of them and you have a moment of
grief and then you move on. But it's not something that, oh,
(03:57):
you just have to let go of the your loved ones.
It's also about for me, it's a process of holding
on to the memories and keeping that person alive in
my heart. So with that being said, why don't we
(04:19):
give a warm welcome to Marie as we introduce her
to the show something So welcome to the show, Marie.
(04:57):
It's great to have you. I always of meeting up
with you. It's pretty fun. So it's of course it's
his bereaved mom and coach. Well, the brief mom definitely
comes first, doesn't it, So it really does what happened
(05:19):
in your life, and why don't we go through that
just for a few minutes so people can kind of
understand who you are.
Speaker 4 (05:29):
Okay, Well, thank you, Michael, and I want to say
thank you. I always love chatting with you and being
your guest. It's always a delight. Yeah, I know, I've
finally have chosen to be a bereaved mom. For the
longest time, I used to say I was a griever,
a grieving mom because I used to put grief in
(05:49):
there and people would go, oh, it just happened, and
it's like, no, it happened many years ago. So my
son long story short. I mean my son had cancer cancer,
leukemia for eleven years, and you know, we went through
that cycle of ups and downs of cancer and it
just became a way of life. The reason I'm saying
(06:11):
this is because a lot of people have always told me,
but you knew he was gonna die. I kind of
look at it, going, yeah, we all know we are,
but it still doesn't stop us from living. So part
of that was, yes, I knew my son had cancer.
He knew he had cancer. We had been living with it.
For eleven years and kind of you know, you sort
(06:34):
of think, yeah, this is the way life is going
to be constantly, so this is what we got used to,
this is what we thought. So when he did die,
it was unexpected and because of that, and I always
go whether you know that someone has an illness, whether
(06:55):
they don't, there is still that shock when someone passes away,
especially when it's your loved one, because the expectation is
that they're still going to be there forever. And that
is what so I kind of went into this numbness,
like all of a sudden, your heart feels like it's
(07:17):
shattered into pieces. I went into this numbness of wanting
to wake up, going this must be a bad dream.
Like I don't even like horror movies, why am I
in one? And so that's almost like for the first
year is what I kind of felt like that when
(07:40):
was I going to wake up? And every time I
heard a noise, it's almost like, Okay, I'll just turn
around and he'll be there. And a lot of people
and this is one of the reasons why I became
a grief coach, is because a lot of times people
will say, oh, there's these stages you're in that denial stage. Well,
(08:00):
it's not really a denial because I knew who had died.
It's just sometimes I think our brain is protecting us
because all of a sudden it's a shock to our system.
We're thinking we're in a bad dream that we're going
to wake up from, and we're kind of like, so
they'll just turn around and they'll be there, and yes,
(08:22):
I'll know that it's a bad dream, which of course
didn't happen. And then as my journey and grief had
gotten then it's almost like I always go people kind
of think that once the funeral is over, that's it,
You're back to what was, and it's kind of like, yet, no,
(08:44):
you know, my son died. When your loved one passes away,
there is no back to normal. And then what I
found was, as the years went by, I was getting
told more and more about why am I not better,
Why am I stuck? Why am I still blah blah
blah into the grieving, And so what I found is
(09:06):
that I was regressing in the sense of repressing my feelings,
being more like, you know, presenting this mask up to
the public going oh, yeah, everything's fine, because I was
still working things like that, but underneath it felt a
(09:26):
total mess. So I kind of go for ten years,
I felt like I lost who I was and I
lost my life because I don't remember. It's a blur.
So for ten years it kind of felt like I
was stuck. I was going through the motions of life,
but I wasn't really present, like if you were to
tell me what was in there, I kind of like,
(09:48):
I don't know. I look at life as the before
and after, before my son was alive, after my son,
and that's how I can only remember things.
Speaker 6 (09:59):
Yeah, that's wow. That that that was pretty heavy, And
you must have been pretty close with your son.
Speaker 4 (10:12):
I think one of the things is that we had
a relationship. And also because of his cancer, I was
the one that was always went to his appointments. So
my son was sixteen when he was diagnosed and he
was twenty seven when he passed away. But I went
to all him his appointments. I was basically, as he
(10:34):
used to call me, I was his pr person. So
whenever he was in the hospital, I actually moved in
usually like and if they didn't allow me to move in,
I'd be there like first thing in the morning and
leave it the last person to be there and then
kind of do that whenever he was, so he kind
of knew that I was there, I would do that.
(10:56):
I'd call the grunge work. You know, patients were the hospital,
they want their pillows change, they want the water, they
want the so and they can't get up. So of
course they're clicking right asking for the nurses. Well, the
nurses are overworked, and so I kind of look at
it going, you know, we're actually doing a service doing
(11:19):
this grunge work. Like I'm not saying, you know, it's
beneath me or anything, because of course this is my child.
I don't care how old he is. I would be
doing it. You go get the extra blankets, you go
get the little things that they need. Flip over a pillow,
you move them over.
Speaker 6 (11:36):
Well, I kind of understand that one because I have
two children, and with God's graces, they're they're both healthy
and doing well. But when they were born, they is
a medical terms called help syndrome. My wife at the
(12:00):
time suffer from it and the other one my my
other ex wife. She had uh she could get pregnant,
she could carry, but there was a certain point where
she started getting sick automatically because of something with with
her wound, you know. But but so so they both
(12:20):
had to spend a lengthy amount of time in the hospital.
It's like, of course, when I I would go there
before going to work, I would get up, start my day,
give get myself all ready to go to the hospital,
fluff for pillows, make sure she had lots of juice,
and all of those those little inty bitty things that
(12:41):
we said, oh, the nurse could do that. Well I
did all those old, itty bitty things instead of allowing
the nurse to do it, because because that's the person
that I loved. You know. It's like, so no, it's
not beneath you, you you, It's an act of love.
Speaker 4 (12:58):
And so true. And one of the things also is
that you know, the for the patient, whether it was
your your ex or my son, they actually feel more
comfortable that they have someone there that is actually looking
after them and is doing things out of love. And
(13:21):
I think that also helps them in their recovery or
even in making them feel comfortable. I mean, I know
with my son, every time he was in the hospital,
when I was there, he felt secure. It was like,
I know, my mom's got my back, right, because I
(13:42):
would also be advocate, Like if he couldn't speak, I
would be the one who would speak. I would be
the one who would look out for what changes there were.
And this isn't about putting the medical field down because
they are doing an excellent job of what they can. Again,
they have so many diff different patients. They could be
(14:03):
in one spot at one time and they can't see.
Speaker 6 (14:06):
Everything, right, That's the whole point that they is like
when our loved one is in is in the hospital,
is it's like we have one patient, well, the doctor
and the nurses used to I have a whole floor.
So if I I if I can assist them a
little bit, you know, and at the same time, I'm like,
(14:30):
I'm providing love for for for my loved one who's.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
There, right, So true, so true.
Speaker 6 (14:37):
So it's when you said for was eleven years.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Eleven years. Yeah, yeah, it h right. It's one of
those things where I always go when cancer enters your life,
you kind of get used to that roller coaster ride.
I mean there were highs and lows, uh, you know,
things seemed to go fine, and all of a sudden
we were in crisis mode. Yeah, where you needed emergency surgeries,
(15:06):
you needed treatments, so yeah, I mean basically, so I
went with him to all of his appointments, whether it
was with the oncologist, whether he was having treatments, like,
I would be the one who would be sitting beside
him if he had emergency surgeries, I would be the one.
I mean, Okay, I wasn't in the operating room because
(15:29):
they wouldn't allow me in there.
Speaker 6 (15:31):
But yeah, but he knew your spirit was was there
with him still, right, Yeah, And.
Speaker 4 (15:39):
I would be sitting at the hospital in the waiting room,
so he and I think that's part of sort of
knowing that someone's there for you. Yeah, right, because that
would be something that I would always tell him, i
can't be there physically for you, but I'm surrounding you,
And I would say, who I'm sending in with him
(16:00):
up from the spirit realm?
Speaker 6 (16:02):
Well why not? Right? You know, kids, I totally believe
in the spirit realm, And those who are listening they
know that I actually did an interview with a lady
who definitely speaks with angels and it was probably because
of that that we actually found each other. So, oh, yeah,
(16:27):
I don't believe in blind chances, there's cause and effect.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
So yeah, yeah, all right, we're supposed to meet the
people who were supposed to meet. And that's even some
of the things that I found, even when we were
in the hospital, I think because of what I was doing,
it actually gave courage to other people to kind of go, hey,
I can do what she's doing. And there were other
(16:54):
people that ended up. I remember speaking to a woman
whose husband was in the hospital and she kind of went, ria,
I saw what you did. So I kind of went, yeah,
I'm moving in here too.
Speaker 6 (17:06):
There you go. And the hospital does provide sometimes that
ability for you to move in sometimes I'm not going
to say all the time.
Speaker 4 (17:14):
Sometimes it does, and I just kind of did anyways,
whether they wanted it or yeah. Yeah, So sometimes I
wasn't the well liked person in but.
Speaker 6 (17:25):
That's the ide did That's that's your empowerment part.
Speaker 4 (17:29):
Yeah, you know, yeah, and so this is it. I mean,
this is what the woman said. She kind of goes
she she probably saved her husband's life because in the
middle of the night he fell, and she had been
there and had seen that, because otherwise, sometimes you know,
you fall, no one's there.
Speaker 6 (17:50):
That's another problem that we're going to say, say for
another time, because that that could be quite the rabbit hole.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
Uh, they we won't go down there.
Speaker 6 (18:03):
You're not going down the day we have.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
Conversations, we kind of go off a tangent. I will
stay on topic.
Speaker 6 (18:09):
Yeah, But but I can kind of understand because you
because I've I've heard this story out of out of
another another grief uh specialist that I know. And I'm
going to actually give Laura Laane a bit of a
(18:32):
shout out there and and tell people that they should
that they have a kid, socially young kid in in
the hospital, that there's a product out there called the
Stronger Planner and if you go to stronger Planner dot
Com that you will find Laura Lane's work on that. So,
(18:57):
but she said something in her story something similar to
what you did. It's like cancer just moved in. It's
that that guess is the unexpected guests that just doesn't
want to leave your family.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
Yeah, And and I don't know, I mean my attitude
is a little bit different. I know my son when
he was first diagnosed, had become depressed understandably, so he's
sixteen years old. Nobody wants to be told all right,
that you have something, and so I kind of let
(19:35):
him handle it for a while and then afterwards. So
for me, how I reframed it, and I'm going to
say reframed is that instead of using the word cancer,
I just went, you have a blood condition, okay, all right,
and kind of went, look, you know, we're we're all different.
(19:55):
We all have things that sometimes we're aware of, sometimes
maybe we're not aware of. Yeah, So saying it as
a condition was almost like saying, hey, you got blue eyes.
Somebody else's brown eyes. You know, some people have diabetes,
some people have epilepsy. So we'll treat it as that
and we'll just take it one day at a time
(20:17):
because we don't know what's going to happen. The doctors
didn't know what was going to happen, because it was
a rare blood disease that he had, Yeah, and so
they were they were kind of like, we don't know
what's going to happen. We'll just give him treatment when
he needs it kind of thing. And so has things happened,
And so that's the attitude that we ended up taking.
(20:39):
And so as soon as you say it's a condition,
all of a sudden it's downplaned, right, like people around
you start downplaying it. Rather than the big sea, it
becomes a little sea.
Speaker 6 (20:53):
Yeah. Well, my wife not wife, she actually has anemia,
you know, and it's still a blood condition. And at
times if I don't pump enough iron into her she
falls flat on her face. I'm joking, of course, but
(21:15):
but she has trouble getting up and doing stuff, you know.
So and blood is extremely important to us because he
carries all those nutrients, oxygen and all that sort of stuff,
and when you have a malfunction with it, it shows,
and it usually shows up pretty quick, doesn't it.
Speaker 4 (21:38):
You know what. I guess one of the aspects in
regards to my son, a lot of times on the
outside you really wouldn't know what was going on, but
on the inside it it really was. Because part of
what he had also affected his bone marrow. And so
(22:01):
like our our bodies are really great. They produce all
these things that I'm not in the medical field, but
I know it's magical and when something isn't working, the
magic kind of goes off. You know. It's like watching
a magic trick and you can see how someone's oh
that's that was a terrible trick, right, but when it's
(22:22):
done artfully, you're in awe, like it's like, wow, look
at that great magician. So in actual fact, I think
our bodies are like that in awe, Like when it's
done right, it is magical, awe inspiring. And when something
isn't right, you're right, it's off balance or off kilter
(22:46):
sort of yeah, yeah, right, And so that's what was
happening with my son. So I know one of the
doctors explained my son's I don't know if it's the
blood vessel he goes. Think of it as a highway.
This one is blocked like it's you know, the highway
(23:07):
that it's at a standstill. It's like bumper to bumper.
So now the blood has to use secondary arteries, like
the secondary streets, but they're getting busy now too because
it's getting plugged up. So then it's so when we're
dealing with like what he had. And then part of
(23:28):
the blood was also wasn't producing something right like as
platelets were up and so it was producing like a
solid mass and everything was getting plugged up. So a
lot of things. So part of it, which sometimes people
didn't understand, is that a common cold for my son,
could also be life threatening because basically if he were
(23:52):
to cough and stuff like that, he could start throwing
up blood and we'd have to go to the emergency
even a nosebleed, because he was also on blood thinner
to make sure that the blood was right, like that's
what people are on blood thinders. So there were a
lot of things going on, but nobody saw it because
it was all happening on the inside. And then it
(24:12):
was affecting his other organs. Yeah, and so when and
with our organs, you don't see it because everything's happening inside.
And so I think with my son, part of it
was he didn't really want people to know what he had,
so he you know, would still go to the gym
(24:34):
when he could, he'd work out. I mean, when you
looked at him, you thought he was a GQ model
kind of thing.
Speaker 6 (24:40):
Well, because I had to say, that's good for him,
because they probably helped extend that eleven years. It's extended
to the eleven years.
Speaker 4 (24:48):
Oh it, it probably did. And I think even a
psychologist had kind of said that because I had reframed it.
We weren't focusing on, oh my god, you have cancer.
What are we going to do it? Was like, yeah, okay,
you got cancer. It's a blood condition. What are we
doing about it? We'll just you know, it's an everyday fact.
And I think that's what it is. When we say
we move, it moves in with us. You just kind
(25:11):
of go, yeah, stuff happened. Sometimes you have an emergency surgery.
So you know, we'll deal with it as it is
the sort of thing.
Speaker 6 (25:21):
Yeah, well, well we can trip over. This is actually
a real life thing. This actually did happen. So I
tripped over their daughter's cat and they wound up in
emergency surgery. Uh over. Actually it's a series of surgeries
over five years. But hey, you don't you don't know.
(25:45):
You don't know what's going to happen in the next seconds, right,
So I thank you.
Speaker 4 (25:51):
So I always so from the cancer is now shifted
to grief has moved in. So I always call grief
now is my companion. It just walks with me.
Speaker 6 (26:03):
Well, depending on how you frame that, that's not so bad.
Speaker 4 (26:12):
Well, I think grief has this thing where everyone looks
at it like, oh, she's constantly sad. I always go,
if you really want to empty a room out, just
go in and go hey, I'm in grief. I'm grieving,
and people will just walk towards the other side, trying
to see how fast they can get out of the door.
(26:33):
People are uncomfortable speaking about grief because they what a
lot of people expect is they're going to get someone
who is, you know, teary eyed, sad, crying. And I
think this is how even the movies kind of portray it. Yes,
some people, that is how we deal with our emotions.
(26:55):
And that's okay because we're all I mean, I look
at it in emotion or emotions and think of it
as someone who's excited who wins the lottery. You're going
to have somebody who's jumping up and down and just
shouting and whatever, and then you're going to have someone
who quietly goes, yeah, I won. Is either one right
(27:17):
and how they do things, No, they're both are. That's
how their personality works, right, and grief is the same thing.
We're going to deal with it. However, we deal with emotions,
and yes, at times the emotions are so overwhelming that
it is going to be more of I'm not gonna
(27:42):
say demonstrative, but a lot of times we don't ourselves
don't even know what we're feeling because some is so
undescribable and how much the pain is.
Speaker 6 (27:52):
Yeah, with that being said, for myself, one of my
best friends passed the way and I found myself at
some point I was just becoming a little too snappy
of people, a little too much sarcasm.
Speaker 3 (28:13):
And.
Speaker 6 (28:15):
It was something that happened and I was and it
was like a mirror appeared and said, Oh, I need
to sit down with someone. I mean, and I want to.
I'm saying that because I also want people out there
who are listening to like, Hey, do you need that mirror?
(28:37):
Do you need that mirror to appear for you so
that you know no when or when you need need
the help, they need to sit down with you and
talk about it. Because grief of peers in different ways
it and sometimes we can we need help dealing with it.
Speaker 4 (28:51):
Right, Well, we need help and I always go support.
So I'm more of a peer to peer. Right, I'm
not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. So for me,
it's about acknowledging where someone is and meeting them exactly
where they're at. Because in our grief journeys, we're all
going to be at a different spot, a different place,
(29:14):
and part of it sometimes is, as you said, it's
bringing that awareness or recognizing what we're feeling. And it's
natural sometimes to be snappy. I mean, sometimes we can
be snappy because we're saddened by what has happened, and
someone else maybe laughing and things like that, and we're
(29:35):
kind of like, what the heck are you laughing for?
I know, I kind of get snappy when I'm at
a funeral because I'm thinking people shouldn't, you know, depending
on what it is. If a family or someone has
lost their loved one, take your conversation outside. Don't be
in front of that family, unless, of course, you're sharing
stories about their person. Most of the time they're not.
(30:02):
And that, I think is what happens in grief, is
that all of a sudden, we have the people who
are we think are our friends or family, those who
we love, are going to talk about our person, and
yet what happens is they kind of are silent, and
(30:24):
that silence hurts even more because as we remember someone,
because I always go, look, my son lived, I will
never forget him. And so if that makes me a
bereaved mom because I'm missing him, so be it, and
if someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine. However,
(30:45):
when someone else mentions my son and says stories about him,
that actually, yes, it could bring sadness, but it also
brings joy because we it's through us and through the
stories that they are actually kept. You know, their memories
are alive. We know that they touched and impacted other
(31:08):
people's lives. And sometimes in grief it feels uncomfortable because
nobody wants to talk about them. I mean, they use
about oh well, we thought it would make you sad. Well,
guess what. I'd rather be sad and someone talking about
them than someone kind of almost pretending that he never existed.
Speaker 6 (31:29):
You know, I totally understand that we need to keep
sharing the stories because my it's my personal belief that
if we keep sharing the stories that they say that
they're kept alive. Yeah, oh so I get what you're saying, though,
is we need to keep talking and keep talking about
(31:52):
the who the person was and everything, right, even and
even if it is in front of you, it's like,
you know, we're taking if we were talking about your
son in front of you, that actually, especially if it's
a happy story, it kind of makes you feel good
to eat that he was happy, that he found that happiness.
Speaker 4 (32:14):
Right, Well, I think too. Part of it is that
it's be the same as your friend in the sense
of he would have had other friends. So if those
other friends share stories, sometimes that is a side that
maybe you hadn't seen of your friend. Or if your
friend's parents share stories about him, that would be something
(32:34):
that is a different aspect that you may not have known. Yeah, right,
It's not good or bad, it's just something that sometimes,
I mean, I look at my son and I'm going
I wouldn't have known every aspect of him because as
his mom, there are things that I know that, but
he would share different things with his friends, or the
experiences would be different of what he would share. Yeah,
(32:59):
and here those stories. It's kind of like wow, you know,
like it's kind of like it it really does. It
brings like this enlightenment and joy I always go in grief,
different emotions can coexist. Grief is actually a complex emotion.
I mean, I'm gonna call grief an emotion and it's complex,
(33:23):
and it's basically saying, look, sadness and joy can coexist.
You can be sad and you can be happy, you
could be angry, and you could be sad. So there's
a lot of emotions all together. And yet I'm like,
we accept it outside of grief, However, we kind of
(33:44):
don't want it inside of grief. Does that make sense?
Speaker 6 (33:48):
Kind of let's try it if it's just the library
a little more on.
Speaker 4 (33:53):
That, right, Like, I mean, when we're okay, I always
go I mean I still have not met a person
who is happy twenty four to seven. You know, there's this, right,
like we're supposed so when we're living life, we have
different emotions. People are activated by a different sense. I mean,
(34:17):
just in normal life without even experiencing loss. Yeah, and
when we experience loss all of a sudden the outside world,
all of a sudden, it's almost like, well, you are
allowed to have these emotions. Anything else after that means
(34:38):
you have to be better or you're stuck. And yet
life still happens, right, It's kind of like it's intertwined.
I'm doing this dance of intertwining.
Speaker 6 (34:53):
Yeah, Okay, then I kind of get what you're saying
with that, right, because like my friend I'm actually sitting
in her last office chair, you know, and I have
(35:13):
a little box of stuff that that was that was
hers and and she and she told me we never
actually had a chance to talk about what was supposed
to go where because it was hers was it was
a sudden thing, it was an accident. And I have,
you know, the the Buddhist uh bowl, the singing bowl
(35:38):
I have. I have her her singing bowl, and and
every now and again it's like it's like, you know,
I get stuck on something, something that she would have
helped me with, and I go and play with the
bowl and they sit in the chair and there's like
and all of a sudden an answer comes to me,
you know, sort of thing like that. But it's like,
(35:59):
but I tried to all of my loved ones that
have passed on. I try to make sure I have
something that that I'm still surrounded by their memory. I mean,
I guess maybe some would say that there's something wrong
with that, and others would say there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (36:19):
And part of that sharing, and I thank you so
much for sharing, is that when you're thinking at the
ball and it's hers, you have emotions that come up.
They could be sadness because she's not there, but there's
also the joy or the delight in knowing that this
bull was hers and you have it.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
Yeah. Well, the sadness is because I put it like this,
I said, sometimes you just wish that you could pick
up the phone and call them and tell them that, hey,
this is where I'm stuck right now. Can you help me? Yeah, well,
you can't do that. We don't have a phone line
that works that way. But but if you have something
(37:04):
that that that that you remember being full of their energy,
it's like that energy still it's still there.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
Mm hmm. So and I always go and I thank
you so much for sharing. Is that that's what we
need to have more of. That's why I'm on a
mission to normalize the conversation around grief is to actually
be able to say I can share these stories about
(37:35):
her or about our loved ones that are no longer
here and be okay with that and be acknowledged for
the missing of the physical presence.
Speaker 6 (37:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (37:50):
And that's really what I think I'm more about, is
sort of saying, look, there is no right or wrong
way to grieve. Like I really totally believe that the
five stages, I mean, they were never really meant for grief.
But I don't know how they ended up getting there.
They were supposed to be meant for the five stages
of the dying, and I'm like, and I don't I
(38:11):
think even for the five stages of the dying, they
probably are out. I mean, I'm gonna call it the
BS because you know what, like when does life fit
into neat boxes? So all of a sudden death is
going to fit into a neat box? Or our emotions
(38:34):
are grief And I'm like, no, like, why are we
having like these boxes that we're supposed to tick. Yes,
there may be aspects of people like to say, like
we're in the denial stage or the anger. Well, you know,
in a lot of times we can be in the
denial of a lot of things. All Right, I kind
(38:56):
of look at it. I know that sugar isn't good
for me, but sometimes when I'm eating something, I'm in
denial that of what's going to happen.
Speaker 6 (39:07):
Yeah, well, I mean what do you think of this
that like the picture frame's behind you? People want that
to be grief, that it's framed nice and neat. Do
hear I have it? And then they put it back
on the wall.
Speaker 4 (39:27):
Yeah, that's pretty much what people sort of think it's
this nice neat box we put it in. We're done,
We're complete. I think a lot of people want. I mean,
we're in an instant society, and I can't say that
it's just from this, I think for the longest time,
(39:47):
I mean even throughout history, Yes, there were rituals that
people followed, and I have no idea when it kind
of started. Where you're sort of thinking, people stop talking
about the people who died. It was almost like, don't
say their names, and you're like why, Like I never
(40:12):
understood that. It was almost like they don't exist anymore.
And I think that what makes us all more fearful
and actually adds more stress to ourselves, especially to someone
who has experienced the loss of their loved one, because
(40:33):
all of a sudden, it's kind of like you feel alone,
like isolated, like there's no one to talk to, you
can't share your emotions. And that's really what I'm all about,
is I want someone to just share what their experience is,
to say I acknowledge what you went through. It's without judgment,
(40:55):
because it's like with everything else. I mean, as you said,
the picture behind me, I really like it. That's why
it's behind me. You may look at it and go, Maria,
like that picture is crap, Like why the heck do
you have it? Now, both of us are both right
(41:17):
because it's our own perspective. And so this is what
grief is like, is that it's from our own perspective.
And so making someone incorrect because of their feelings, how can.
Speaker 6 (41:34):
That be like, yeah, there's that's that's in no such
things sort of thing.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (41:43):
Yeah. So let me ask you this because because I
want to touch on the empowerment part, because that is
a major thing. How do you help people empower themselves
in grief? How does that process actually take place?
Speaker 4 (42:02):
So how it takes place is that I have the
five pillars of care, like car that I use as
a acriminin, and part of it is about giving yourself compassion.
A lot of times I think we're so judgmental on ourselves. Right,
we do this thing about that we have what we
(42:24):
should have done, what we could have done, what we
would have done, even with our own emotions. I shouldn't
be feeling this. I shouldn't be And so that's like
our inner voice or our inner dialogue that we're giving ourselves.
And so by giving ourselves compassion. There's a way to
soften that and to release it because a lot of
(42:46):
times is that we were dealing in hindsight right Like
It's like, and I'm going to use the lottery as
an example, because that's an easy one for people to understand.
Once a number are called, we know what the numbers are,
and some of us will go, why didn't I pick
those numbers? Well, that is hindsight, and that sometimes is
(43:11):
the same thing with grief. We know things now that
we didn't know back then, and so we may say
things like, oh, why did I give them the keys?
Why did they go in that car? Why did they
drive down that street? I should have kept them here? No,
I mean even for myself, I would be like, how
(43:31):
come I didn't find the cure for cancer? They still haven't,
But how come I didn't? I mean, I'm a mom,
I'm super mom. So we kind of give ourselves this.
We believe we had super powers, and if we go
back to the magician, it's almost like we've had this
magic wand that has been dormant that we forgot to use. Well,
(43:57):
we don't have this magic wand and we can't change things.
Even in hindsight. And that is our mind who is
saying that we have control, because a lot of times
because we had no control, our mind wants to give
us that we had control. It's like that oxymoron thing, right,
(44:22):
And so that is part of what we need to release.
And so basically that's what I kind of do is
working with your intuition. I always go we all have
our inner wisdom. It's we listen to it. Yeah, because
(44:45):
our intuition knows what's right for you. And that's basically
what the grief work is. It's not about Okay, here's
these neat boxes you need to do this, this, and this.
It's individual. It's in individual of what is best for you,
what works for you, and being acknowledged and validated that
(45:10):
you have a right to your pain and that your
experience is validated and you and your grief are validated.
Speaker 6 (45:18):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 4 (45:25):
So who our times up? Yeah, this happens when we
have a conversation. We can just go on and on.
Speaker 6 (45:35):
We have and every time we meet we usually do
go on and on. It's like, oh yeah, so I'm
just gonna say this way. Best way is to get
a hold of you and work with you because there's
a lot of people out there that that need your help.
Speaker 4 (45:51):
Yeah, so email me at Hope at Maria Balanic dot com. Right,
and I think I sent a free gift for your
audience right about five compassion.
Speaker 6 (46:02):
Yeah, let's go over the free gift.
Speaker 4 (46:05):
Yeah. So I really truly believe that we need to
give ourselves compassion, and so for that, that's one of
the gifts that I've given is how do you give
yourself compassion? And the guide goes through that. So there's
little exercises that go through about that, and I always go,
(46:26):
compassion is going to look different. It really is individualized
in regards of showing your self kindness, right, Like we
think we give it to everyone else except for our
own selves, and it's our own selves that really need
it more so because it's about honoring who we are
(46:48):
because a lot of times we're rejecting who we are.
Speaker 6 (46:52):
Yeah, Yeah, I agreed. A lot of times we and
we tried to fight up river against who we are
actually are.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
Yeah, and in grief even more so. Right, we want
to hide, we want to push down all of this.
And what I've learned is that when I accepted that
grief was going to be in my life. That's why
I said at the very beginning, grief walks with me,
and grief has many faces. Like just because I call
(47:24):
myself a bereaved mom, I can still laugh, I can
and still enjoy life at this moment. However, I will
still have moments of sadness where sometimes maybe getting out
of bed is really hard.
Speaker 6 (47:39):
Yeah, yeah, and that's hey, yeah, it is okay. And
it's like being bereaved is something that people don't want
to hear, but hey, you need you. We we we
all eventually are going to be walking with grief and
we should embrace it. Right to point.
Speaker 4 (48:03):
Yeah, you know, I'm going to say, like I have
brown hair, so I'm using you know, bereavement as yeah,
I have brown hair. One day maybe i'll have red hair,
but breeds will. I mean, it's still hair. But again,
it's about acknowledging rather than hiding, right.
Speaker 6 (48:24):
Right, So thank you for your time today. This has
been wonderful. You do wonderful work for people, and I'm
glad you're a friend.
Speaker 4 (48:36):
Oh my, I know A like to talk to Michael.
I think that's why we always go on and on.
Speaker 6 (48:44):
Yeah, so thank you for listening to everybody find that
subscribe button wherever it is, and remember, if you do
need help with your grief and that mirror has popped
up in front of you and says, oh yeah, I
do need to work with Murray, go to Hope at
Maria Blaylock.
Speaker 4 (49:06):
Or our website is Maria Bolanic dot com.
Speaker 6 (49:10):
Yeah, and that will be in the show notes. Guys,
so along with the free gift. Okay, help us.
Speaker 4 (49:17):
To so.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
I don't know, so your phone matcher, what.
Speaker 4 (49:56):
This guess?
Speaker 5 (50:00):
A reason to sit me battle Joe.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
Wall shots, we can't dress wait, so.
Speaker 6 (50:56):
She go to sh.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
The show has been produced by Depictions Media.
Speaker 6 (51:45):
Please contact us at depictions dot media for more information
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