May 29, 2025 • 48 mins
"Let me explain...and explain...and explain"
Everyone wants to be understood - or maybe more importantly, not be misunderstood. But there are times when explaining actually gets in the way of being understood. Liana talks about 'over-explaining', why it happens, how it clouds your message and how to take control of your words.
Everyone wants to be understood - or maybe more importantly, not be misunderstood. But there are times when explaining actually gets in the way of being understood. Liana talks about 'over-explaining', why it happens, how it clouds your message and how to take control of your words.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello, listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is It's not therapy. I'm Leanna Kerzner, and I am
(00:30):
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
the madness of mental health using my top ten sayings
for going good crazy. This week, we're gonna talk about
how well sensational title, but it is actually true. I
think how over explaining can ruin your life. How over
explaining might be ruining your life. A lot of listeners
(00:51):
might feel called out by this show because I'm doing
it because there's been a lot of overexplaining going around
in my life right now. But hey, better you hear
it here and make corrections. Then keep giving people the
impression that your emotions and impressions are very, very important,
but other peoples don't matter nearly as much. That's the
(01:13):
biggest risk I find comes with chronic over explaining. Everybody
has their reasons and their valid reasons. But I've had
two recent experiences, both coincidentally with younger women that sort
of gen z cohort. I don't want to dunk on
gen Z because people of all ages can do this,
(01:34):
but these two women, they were gonna unleash a trauma dump.
No matter what anyone else thought about it. It didn't
do anything good for either of them, and in fact,
it left the other people involved with a more negative
opinion of them. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let
(01:54):
me give you some examples of over explaining based on
my recent experiences. The first was a situation one of
my facilitators escalated to me where someone approached him directly
and asked if he wanted to get into the details
of why she felt so sorry about a very minor
thing that it happened, and the facilitator said he didn't
(02:16):
need her to be sorry, he needed her to try
to listen and understand why she was getting the responses
she did. Now, based on the theme of the show,
you can probably guess what came next. This well meeting
person agreed, then proceeded to trauma dump anyway with a
lengthy treatise on why what she did was terrible after
(02:37):
she was told it wasn't, and how sorry she was
after being told that the facilitator wasn't looking for an
apology while the person in question she was trying really,
really hard. What she ended up communicating was that she
wasn't listening because she was all wound up to explain.
(02:59):
It's fairly easy to see from a place of rational
distance how that sort of bad habit is going to
get you into trouble in professional and personal relationships. But
these responses are ingrained from childhood. Some people are compelled
to do them, even though it doesn't get them a
good response, and it creates more trouble than it's ault.
(03:23):
Here's another example. This one happened to me personally. Someone
recently got very unhappy with me because my email responses
were too short for her liking. And it's true, it's rare.
I see the point in an email that's more than
four to five sentences long. I think a longer conversation
is better had via voice or zoom call or something
(03:44):
like that. But this person determined that no, it wasn't
that I just keep my messages short. I was coming
across as passive aggressive. Now she checked herself momentarily and said,
I may be wrong about that, but and then launched
into a lengthy diatribe about how terrible my suspective passive
(04:05):
aggression was, which completely wiped out the proceeding I may
be wrong. It's amazing how often this happens. For God's sakes,
if there's a chance you're wrong, stop, find out before
you say things you can't take back, like the person
(04:25):
in this example did. Now I get it. It's anxiety, right,
And like I said, these sorts of anxiety driven responses
get attributed to gen z a lot, and Okay, maybe
it's more common in that demographic, but again, I've found
people in all age brackets who behave this way. And
(04:45):
I'm not talking about neurodivergent info dumping. Neurodivergent info dumping
and this sort of over explaining based on panic and anxiety.
They get lumped in together in articles about this stuff,
but they have completely different characteristics. For one, every autistic
(05:05):
person I know is hyper aware that they can overtalk, right.
Part of the reason I keep my email short is
I was told, yeah, your emails are too long. People
aren't reading them. You're putting too much in emails. Okay,
this panic response, I'm talking about the over explaining. You
(05:29):
get that and saying okay, slow down, I get it.
Nine times out of ten the person will go faster
and get frustrated with you. Okay, they're not the same thing.
And I am fed up to hear with neurodivergency getting
mixed in with mental illness. They're not the same thing. Okay,
(05:50):
Now this over explaining the actual over explaining, not the
info dumping. The panic response is, according to some experts,
a defense mechanism and a stress response that came from
trying to appease a parent or caregiver in early life.
According to these experts, children raised in these environments don't
(06:10):
develop balanced information and social processing abilities, and so they'll
interpret mildly stressful or even neutral responses as threatening. The
ensuing stress response tanks their ability to concentrate and process information,
and over explaining becomes a self soothing behavior against the
(06:33):
feeling of not being believed or understood. And I've found
personally in my work it's not just families that had
a lot of yelling. Though a lot of clients that
are working on over explaining come from families with a
lot of yelling. There were also families that were checked
out because of a divorce or other life crisis, and
(06:55):
their kids felt the need to just protect the parent
from their own problems, and so any even remotely neutral,
disinterested response from parents just built and built and built. Now,
of course, the person who accused me of passive aggression,
well she didn't stop there. No, you saw the self
(07:19):
soothing earlier in the communications, and it was like, I'd
send her for a sentences, she'd send me three lengthy emails. Okay,
so self soothing wasn't working. So she went into the
it's not me, it's you mode, intent on finding something
wrong with my responses to balance out her apparent terror
(07:40):
of having done something wrong. In that particular case, what
was the issue, people like, give me more detail. I
don't like to spill the tea on these, but in
this case, it was a conversation that basically she needed
to make a decision. I couldn't make it for her.
I kept kicking it back to her life. Let me
(08:00):
know when you've made a decision, And instead of just
making the choice. She spun and spun and spun until
she overheated. What she interpreted as passive aggression was just
me reiterating that the choice had to be her choice,
and she seemed to get more and more frustrated and
frightened at something. And these are the moments in a
(08:25):
conversation where it's like you've got a front row seat
to see how somebody's you know, important people in their lives,
parents or other sort of authority figure how they talk
to this person. And these methods of communication tend to
be harsh, blame written and helpfully flattered, aggressive and ironically
(08:51):
passive aggressive. This woman referred to emails as nuanced grunts. Yes,
text was me grunting. Mm hmmm. See that wasn't about me,
And I'm sure she wasn't intending to be harsh, blame
(09:11):
wridden and unhealthfully aggressive or passive aggressive. Right. It doesn't
feel harsh, blame ridden or unhealthfully aggressive to the people
that are doing it. It feels well a lot of time.
The big problem is someone in this state can't identify
and name what they're feeling other than bad shame over
(09:33):
feelings of fear and anger. And embarrassment mean that they
can't center themselves in their own experience, and so things
get really big, really fast. So part of it is
nervous system, sure, another part is a cognitive story that's
being told. Now. Those who study happiness have found that
(09:57):
the ability to identify and process negative emotions is strongly
linked to greater life satisfaction. So if you're trying to
outrun bad feelings with the words of the of a Kind,
it's not my fault, it's your fault. You know you are.
And I say this with all the caring in the world.
(10:18):
That's why I'm doing this show. You are wrecking your
own life with this stuff. Even if you don't actively
lay blame, especially of the I could be wrong, but
variety that I got you might still be coming across
in ways that make the people around you feel not valued.
(10:38):
Another gen zism, sorry gen Z I've observed is in
every generation as the way of talking. Okay, this is
just I've seen sort of this. Gen Z has been
taught to talk this way and it's not their fault.
Maybe it came from their parents. But the gen zism
is I'm not saying you intended this or I'm not
saying this is in any way your fault, followed by
(11:00):
a butt and a heavy dose of misery. Think about
that for a moment. Okay, if the person doesn't intend it,
or it's not their fault, what's with the misery dump? Okay?
Is that the appropriate time to unload really heavy feelings
(11:22):
on them like that? Because if they don't intend to
do it, are you sure it's coming from them? Is
this work you should be doing that? You're offloading onto
the other person, you know, even if you don't intend to,
even if it's not your fault. Right, we've taught younger
(11:42):
adults to start in the wrong place. Okay, all this
therapy speak that's infected our day to day language, Right,
It's much better to just say how you're feeling, like, look,
that caught me off guard, I need a minute, or
that reminded me of something that you couldn't possibly know about,
(12:03):
you know, give me a minute. Right, There's much better
to just say that than prefacing this. Oh my god,
I feel so terrible with you didn't mean to, but
I'm totally gonna talk like you did. Right, If you
don't think the person meant to, not even a little.
What exactly are you trying to communicate with the six
(12:26):
thousand words of misery? Okay, maybe say what you're trying
to do, what your intentions are, off the top, and
then stop, like, look, I need some support here, I
just had a bad memory something like that. Real simple, Okay,
your friends are not your therapist. Your coworkers certainly aren't,
(12:50):
and you're going to get a much better reaction from
them if you strip out that. I'm not saying it's
your fault, back door blame, cause if you really think
someone contributed to your unhappiness in some way, say so, right,
just come right out there like that, red as a shot.
I don't think that's fair. I say that to people
(13:12):
who may not have intended to be nasty, but nap
hit the button. I don't think that's fair, and I'm
prepared to back it up. Right. I'm prepared to be
wrong if I just make a blunt claim like that,
and if I'm wrong, I'm gonna have to own it
(13:33):
and make it right. But if you are actually setting
and enforcing your boundaries, don't do the I'm sure you
didn't mean to, but this totally is not your fault.
But I mean, I've had people do that this totally
is not your fault. But after you said that, I
cried for hours. Okay, you cried for hours over something
(13:57):
I said, but it totally wasn't my fault. That's just
bs okay. Top ten phrase. Other people don't have to
like your boundaries, but they do have to respect them.
If you don't want to hear something, just deblunt okay,
because what you're doing with the over explaining is perpetuating
(14:19):
that cycle of blame and judgment and appeasement that caused
you to over explain in the first place. Over explaining
your misery is communicating that you expect the people around
you to somehow fix your problem for you, and often
that's not possible because the real root of the problem
is that hyperactive stress response over neutral too slightly negative communications.
(14:40):
Because really, if I was being passive aggressive and trying
to needle that person, I wasn't, well, let's assume I was. Okay,
If I was, they gave me exactly what someone being
passive aggressive would be looking for, didn't they. They exploded,
They made a bunch of unprovable accusations and even acknowledge
that they could be wrong. But just charge forward any way,
(15:01):
that's not a recipe for success. Someone being passive aggressive
is a them problem, not a you problem. Until they
come out and clearly say what their issue is, they
can keep on sulking, right. They're allowed their negative feelings
because if you reward the passive aggression with the response,
while you're just encouraging them to keep doing it. And
(15:22):
if perceived passive aggression sends you into panic overdrive, you
may want to consider therapy for potential childhood neglect. Again,
I say this because I really do want better for people,
Like I say all the time on this show, I
am not a therapist, but I can give you some
suggestions for avoiding overexplaining and getting the bottom of what's
(15:43):
triggering it. And we'll start that after the break, after
a very lengthy opening. Do you have a story you
think would be good for the show? Are you interested
in sponsoring the show? Leanna at Notthapyshow dot com. Not
Therapy show dot Com is the website at no Therapy
Show on socials How, over explaining is ruining your life
and how to get more balance? When we come back
on It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
No Radio, No Problem stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot CAA.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot ca. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still the inccursoner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about over explaining, how it's
(16:38):
ruining your life and how to get better balance. Now,
as we discussed before the break, we're not talking about
neurodivergent info dumping. This is something different. A lot of
neurodivergent people do have anxiety, and they also have shame,
embarrassment and a fear of things spiraling out of control.
But neurodivergency is its own thing. You can have both.
(17:04):
We're talking about the over explaining rooted in shame, embarrassment
and a fear of things spiraling out of control. Not
really really liking Avatar the Last Airbender. Okay, the problem
is the spiraling out of control that you're afraid of.
They spiraled out of control with a person from the
past who is not the person you're dealing with in
(17:26):
the present. So that person in the present, They have
no idea what you're on. Okay, just real talk, think
about it. There's a ton of emotional stuff going on
inside you in those moments that no other person is
privy to. But you. People cannot read your mind, No,
(17:46):
they really can't. So if you start talking to this
person right in front of you like some horrible bully
from your past that needs to be plicated or they're
going to hurt you, the person talking to in the
present is not going to know what the heck's going on.
That is, in fact, how it's coming across when you
(18:08):
over explain that way that the other person is some
horrible bully that you need to defend yourself against. You know, well,
when you're not saying that people have to right to
be angry at you through the back door, right, that's
another thing that over explaining can do, or you know,
it can come across as explaining instead of apologizing and
(18:31):
actually finding out what it's gonna take to make it right.
And obviously none of these interpretive options are good. Right now,
you might wanting to be explaining to me why I'm
wrong about all this, like no, no, no, that's not
why I'm doing it. Let me explain. This is your
first chance to do things differently. Okay, we're gonna learn
(18:54):
here together. First of all, Okay, you think I'm wrong,
I'm just someone on the radio or a podcast. Right,
Why is it so upsetting to you? People are allowed
to be wrong. It isn't that big a deal. If
you think people being wrong about you is some sort
(19:17):
of threat to you, that's the beginning of understanding your
issue with over explaining. Okay, and I say this as
some people make up wild stuff about me all the time,
woo rumors. Right, I know it's not true. Hear me out. Okay,
(19:37):
say you think somebody's wrong about you, would you like
someone to jump on you every time you made a mistake? Okay,
what do you think it looks like when you leap
to correct someone because you're convinced they're wrong about you. Right,
it's jumping on them for making a mistake. Right, That's
how it can come across. That's the difference between explaining
(20:00):
and over explaining, or at least one of them explaining. Well,
it can wait a few minutes. Over explaining is this
all consuming thing that you must do before you're capable
of listening? Because it is the crust of the wave
of an internal freak out. And there's a reason I
(20:23):
say top ten phrase listen twice before you talk once.
If you're in that freakout state, you're in a state
where you're not capable of listening. And trust me, you
are gonna get more wrong than you get right. In
those states, you are going to jump to conclusions, you
(20:43):
are going to catastrophize. That is a time where not
speaking is better. The best idea when you're in that
state is take a bit to recenter, get to the
point you can effectively listen as well as talk. Because
(21:05):
here's the thing. If you really believe the person that
you need to explain to you is a threat, there's
something seriously wrong with that relationship and maybe you should
get out of it. But if you think all people
are threats, well there's some work that can be done there, okay,
Because most people are not to get you. Most people
(21:26):
are just trying to get by day to day. So
assuming that this is some direct attack on you in
your response is just gonna seem bad. Crazy. Someone with
a PTSD diagnoses me right here, trust me. Yeah, but
you're going no, I'm not no, Yeah, yeah, no, you are.
(21:49):
I'm sorry you are. If you must explain to diffuse
the threat, then you're treating that person like a threat
and a person just mining their own business and trying
to solve a problem or just going what did I say?
Those people are allowed to have thoughts and feelings about you,
(22:11):
treating them like a threat. Oh, but their thoughts and
feelings are the threat. Now think about that statement. What
that statement is saying in real terms that, oh, their
thoughts and feelings are what threatened me. That's saying no
one is allowed to have negative feelings about you without
(22:33):
you thinking they're going to harm you. And if you
keep acting from that place, I guarantee you people are
going to eventually start thinking that you don't like them
or don't care about them because you're treating their feelings.
You're treating their discomfort, you know, as a threat to
(22:53):
destroy instead of just something that does happen. You're asking
somebody to listen to your lengthy explanation about how bad
things are for you, but they're not allowed to have
any negative emotions around you. Do you see the issue here? Okay, now, okay,
(23:16):
I understand it's hard to sit there waiting for criticism.
But you're expecting because either that's how you grew up
or that's what the history of the relationship has been.
Trust me, I get it. But imagine what it's like
for the other person to get treated like they're attacking
you when they haven't. That's what happens when you try
(23:38):
to explain away a potential threat who happens to be
the other person. But it's not that you know the
explanation start again, right, See, this is why you can't listen.
You're arguing with an audio recording right now? Okay, your
reactions here. It really isn't about me. This is about
an inability to admit that you're not arguing. Oh oh sorry,
(24:01):
I know you're not arguing that you're debating. Oh no, sorry,
you're not debating. That's too strong. If you're trying to
defend yourself against something the other person didn't actually say,
but what they said made you think the thing you're explaining, Well,
if it's not a direct connection, that person can absolutely
(24:24):
not follow you there, you know. Now, would you like
to talk to someone who went on tangents you couldn't
follow and then who responded to your confusion if it
was yet another threat. Well, if the answer is no,
then maybe changing the way you do things is in order,
(24:45):
because that's how you're likely coming across to the people
around you. And some of you will claim yes, yes,
you would like to deal with someone who went on
tangents and treated your confusion as a threat. No, no,
I'm serious. People have done this right, because then their
idea is right. You can have a conversation a work
that out. Now. Unfortunately, that theory is based on an
(25:08):
ideal conversation, and that ideal conversation is that the person
admits they jump topics and misjudge your confusion. And there's
the catch. You can only expect that from other people
if you're willing and able to do it yourself. And
(25:29):
most chronic over explainers can't do that very thing. They're
feeling too vulnerable, they're feeling too panicked. They have to
defend against somebody's gonna get me if I admit a mistake.
Even if you do say I'm sorry, Like one of
the examples I used off the top, the admission of error,
(25:49):
the apology gets undone because some explanation follows that makes
it sound like, well, you had no choice but to
make the mistake, right, they I had to. I had to.
I had no other choice. Right, And who was forcing you? Who?
The person you're talking to, which is once again treating
(26:13):
them like some terrible bully. Expect them to act accordingly
if they're a bully, well, if they're not a bully.
Most people don't like bullies. Now, hopefully some of you
will see the problem with the structure by now. The
(26:34):
conversations I've described are very one sided, since they're structured
on the idea that one person will explain and the
problem will just go away. The thinking is not problems
get solved by a give and take, a back and forth.
It's not one person doing all the explaining and the
(26:55):
other person doing all the listening. Oh, but you don't
mean to do that. You could explain what you're really
mean to do. Well, guess what. The other person probably
didn't mean to either, But they're still stuck hearing your frantic,
emotionally intense explanation of how god awful this all is
(27:16):
for you. But I don't mean too. If you're responding
from a place of panic, things are gonna seem dire
no matter how many times you say, I'm not saying
it's your fault. It's not that big a deal. But
no matter how many of those BS rappers you put
on the core message, if you are freaking out, that
(27:37):
is gonna cut through any preface you put on it.
There's no getting around that. So what do you do?
How do you deal with panic? If not over explaining?
I'll get to that after the break. The pause will
help you practice your patients questions, comments, concerns. Leanna at
(27:58):
Nottherapyshow dot com. Not therapy dot com is the website
at notherapy show on Socials. We'll be back with how
over explaining is wrecking your relationships and what you can
do differently on It's Nototherapy.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Stream us live at SOGA nine six am dot CA.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. We're back
in a therapy I'm still Aana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about how over explaining is
(28:40):
possibly wrecking your relationships. Before the break, I promise to
discuss how to deal with panic in a way that
doesn't involve over explaining, and see, I'm gonna do it now,
so there's no need to panic. This is the thing.
If you trust people to do what they say they're
gonna do, most of the time they will, and if
(29:00):
they don't, that's information right now. The first step to
dealing with panic without making a bigger mess of things
is this is gonna sound weird. Realize you're panicking now.
Most people are like, yeah, okay, But that's easier said
than done. If you struggle with negative emotions because you
think their weakness. Everyone feels all the emotions in the
(29:24):
spectrum happy, you know, embarrassed, but then angry, afraid. Oh no,
fear's bad. Anger's bad. Right, we put a social charge
on those two, right, Panic? Oh god, that's cowardice. No, no, no,
you have to stop putting that story on it. Name
(29:46):
your emotions. Are you panicking? Yes? No. The next step
is to ask yourself if you're panicking because of what's happening,
or if you're panicking because of what you think might
have happen, and realize that if it's about what might happen,
the other person isn't going to be able to understand
(30:08):
that that's what you're responding to, and explaining it risks
offending them because you're letting them know that you're assuming
they're going to do something terrible that they haven't done.
You have to accept that you're reacting to something that
isn't presently happening anywhere but your own mind. Sure, there's
(30:33):
a chance it might happen, but it isn't happening right now,
And the best way to keep things on an even
keel is to slow things down and reduce the number
of assumptions you make, which means speaking or writing in
smaller pieces. None of this. If I've misunderstood you, I'm sorry.
But if I haven't answered, how terrible it is. None
of that nonsense. Okay, If you realize you aren't sure
(30:56):
about something, stop and find out the answer before continuing.
You're not a helpless little kid anymore. You're an adult.
Show up as one. Again. Not the same as neurodivergent infodumping,
because neurodivigent people are very aware they infodump, and they
(31:17):
are waiting to be told to stop right sometimes to
the point of oversensitivity. But someone over explaining from panic
tends not to react well to being asked to stop
or slow down, even though yes, logically it is the
best thing for the situation, which is why if you're
an over explainer, this might be hard to hear, but
(31:41):
the responsibility is on you to slow down and give
less information at once, at least put the work in
instead of just explaining at length. Why you need to
give so much information that's making the problem worse instead
of better. You have to accept that you're over No
(32:01):
one can do that for you. If you don't accept
that you're over explaining the gentle you know, reminders of
someone like you're doing it or just going to feel
like another attack. No one can do this for you.
No one is torturing you or deliberately misunderstanding you for
(32:24):
asking you to slow down or say less. Once you
understand that you are over explaining, try to figure out
why in a sentence or two. Don't tell a story,
name the feeling. This is important because over explaining can
be a form of over intellectualizing, which distances you from
(32:48):
your real central emotional experience, and it can prevent you
from processing your feelings in a healthy way. Now, not
having to deal with your feelings may sound like a
good thing, and you know what. It's a survival skill
in small to moderate doses. We can do it for
a reason, right, getting through a bad time when you
can't afford to break down. But if that intellectualizing becomes chronic,
(33:11):
if it becomes your go to, it can lead to
a lot of repressed or projected emotions. And it's those
projected emotions that are going to really wreck your over
explained relationships, especially when you're accusing people of your passitive
aggression and all that stuff. Right, nobody likes hearing they're
(33:33):
making you miserable and telling them they're doing it totally unintentionally.
That can make it worse. Okay, no, hear me out.
It can't, because if someone's aware of what they're doing,
they can stop. If you're getting extremely upset because of
(33:55):
a connection you made to what they said that they
had no idea idea about it, right, that's a very
helpless feeling. If you're overusing me, I'm not saying this
is your fault tactic, people are gonna stop believing you
because if it's not their fault, why are they hearing
(34:16):
about it at length? What you're telling them in practical terms,
in outcomes driven thinking is their presence is an irritant
to you, and they can't stop the irritation from happening
again because you're making associations. Things are going on in
your head that there's absolutely no way for them to predict.
(34:41):
They just reset the clock until the next failure. In
this instance, and let's face it with the people who
I'm not saying it's your fault, but I cried for
hours after you sent me that text. Like I will
go right out and say that, right there is a
loadable the crying owner's response to the text. If you
(35:03):
really don't think it's the other person's fault, don't tell
them about the crying for hours, all right, keep that
to yourself. I'm not saying your fault. You know. I'm
not saying it's your fault. But that's just not owning
that you really wanted the person to know they quote
unquote made you cry. Here's the problem, Okay, crying for
(35:28):
hours after a single text might just saying be a
you problem. That's a very strong response to a written
message with a character limit. At some point, real talk here,
and I say this is somebody who went through it.
You have to decide whether continue to make your trauma
the most important relationship in your life. If you don't
(35:51):
want that, you have to make changes. And a lot
of people understand this in theory, but they still have
the remaining compulsion to explain, And so I hear, when
do I get to explain? When does a person you
just backdoor accused of maybe doing a bunch of stuff
get to tell you that that wasn't your intent their intent,
(36:12):
right after you told them how terrible the effect was
on you, Right, because they didn't get a chance to
say that wasn't what I intended to do before you
misery dumped on them. And after you've done that, after
you've told them how terrible it was, why in God's
name would anybody bother telling you what they actually intended.
(36:36):
You've made what they did sound terrible, Why would you care? Right?
That's the problem with pulling these accusations by way of explanations,
especially the I know that's not what you said, but
it's what I thought of variety. Right, when somebody pulls
out on me, that's it. Even if the person cares
about my feelings in the abstract, they're not in a
(36:57):
place where they can hear anyone else's feelings. Because they're
completely caught up in a death battle with their own
The reality is that the people around a chronic over
explainer tend to end up feeling like their motivations don't matter,
their reasons don't matter, their feelings don't matter. So much
(37:21):
energy is put intuplicating the over explainer into temporary stability,
and then of course the over explainer starts saying things
like I'm being annoying or I'm being a burdener. I
can't do anything right, and I know when I get
in places like that that is not a good place, right,
That's not that's I'm gonna say this because hearing it
(37:45):
is gonna hurt too much territory as somebody who's saying
that is probably not capable of hearing. Well, if you
really believe that, do things differently, even though well, that's logical, right,
these aren't logical moments, and someone starts beating themselves up
like that, they're in an unhealthy spiral and nothing else
(38:06):
is gonna get resolved. Right. We'd all love to be
unending wells of strength, unending wells of support in those moments,
but let's face it, when someone has just told you
that you accidentally are the reason they're having a complete
freak out meltdown. You made them even though you totally
didn't mean to. Well, you don't exactly feel like you're
(38:27):
an appropriate source of support for that person, you know,
because what if you do it again by not meaning to.
That's a rational response. And often people who are doing this,
I got so I cried so much. I know you
didn't mean to, but you made me cry. They're looking
for a reassurance, and that is exactly the wrong way
(38:47):
to get it, because people were like, well, if I
made you cry for that much and I didn't mean to,
I'm not gonna say anything more. I don't want to
make it worse. So when our explanations appropriate instead of
too much, I'll get to those after our final break.
Delayed gratification right, just let it ride. Questions, comments, concerns
Leanna at Nontherapyshow dot com. Not Therapyshow dot com is
(39:09):
the website at not Therapy Show on social media. When
we come back how over explaining might be wrecking your relationships.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
On It's Not Therapy, No Radio, No Problem. Stream is
live on SAGA ninety six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still in a cursor. I'm still
not a therapist, and we're still talking about how over
explaining could be ruining your relationships. And has promised I'm
(39:54):
going to talk about when it's okay to explain. And
I'm hesitant to do this because I've if I'm the
chronic explainers. The minute be okay to explain, thing happens,
it immediately resets to let me explain instantly and all
the time, precisely because this is a compulsion. So the
(40:15):
way I figured to do okay, how can I do
practical advice? Here? Right, here's a checklist, here's some things.
Check in with yourself before you start explaining. Can I
name what I'm feeling? If yes, start there, don't proceed,
(40:35):
Just say what you're feeling. Am I naming that feeling
without telling myself a negative story about that feeling? If yeah, proceed,
If you're going, oh my god, I'm so afraid and
I'm so annoying, I'm such a burden, Like, no, it's
okay to be afraid. Everybody's afraid. Sometimes. Can you open
(41:01):
your mouth to express that feeling without going further than that?
Can you say I am scared, I am sad, I
am angry without saying you made me or some version
of that? All right? How can I express what I'm
(41:21):
saying as quickly and simply as possible? You know, I'm
frightened because this is going too fast. Not when you
said this, and I said this, and you said this,
and I said this, and then you did that and
I said this, then you said that, you said that
that made me afraid. Just just cut to the chase.
The important piece of information there for a person who
cares about you is the very last thing you said,
(41:44):
and by that point they're lost. Does the person I'm
speaking to seem upset? Do they seem agitated? Do they
seem worried? Right? Perhaps empathizing? Perhaps, you know, checking in
with their feelings first is a more effective strategy to
(42:05):
keep things on an even keel. Then panicked, explaining the
next one is really important. I've touched on it in
the show before about the you might be doing this,
but if you know, no, do I have enough information?
I know what needs to be explained? That person who
was like you not maybe intending to be passive aggressive?
(42:26):
But how about finding out right? Simple? But for some
people not easy because they really want to say how
that suspicion made them feel? Right? And that's why this
next thing is important. What is my overall anxiety level?
If it's high, probably not making the best decisions right?
(42:51):
And is that anxiety about the present, the past, or
some overall personal insecurities. When I realize something is hitting
my insecurities, I slow right down and every communication becomes
what is my intent in what I am saying? This
(43:15):
is critical for people with trauma. Right, For people with trauma,
you can't expect a particular outcome. You can hope for it,
but you can't bet your sanity on being able to
control another person's responses. And when you are traumatized because
(43:37):
it was a scary environment, you do you do try
to control the other person's responses or feelings. It's not
the same as being considerate, because being considerate is you
notice the other person at a bad reaction, you stop,
you find out why before proceeding. A trauma response, is
someone has a bad reaction, or even just one, you
(43:59):
can't really well freak out five on fire, all the
inside out characters running around in your brain screaming right
like there's a difference. And one of the best things
that help me get out of the trauma symptoms was
am I trying to control the other person in responses feelings? Here?
(44:20):
Sometimes you just have to let go and recognize people
have the right to be angry with you. They don't
have the right to do anything they want to you
because they're angry. Now, if you've gone through this checklist
and you still feel like you can proceed, keep your
explanations as short as possible. Like I said off the top,
(44:41):
I keep my emails to four or five sentences, because
that's pretty much all anybody absorbs. Now, one sentence in
a tense situation, You know, one sentence okay, so far?
Can I continue another another slower is better? And keep
an eye on the person you're talking to for signs
(45:04):
of distress, and if they say what you're laying on
them is too much for them at the moment, for
God's sakes, please don't get upset with them for that, because,
let's face it, that is exactly what you're likely afraid of.
There is the person's going to you know, not be
(45:26):
able to handle it. You can't handle it, right, That's
the thing, you see how my emotions the other person's
bled into each other. There I got confused, who is
the one feeling what? Emotional conversations get overwhelming fast, and
often the best thing to do in a difficult conversation
(45:47):
is the last thing people think about doing. A firm
that you care for the other person. If you need
to hear they care about you, ask for that. Just
ask for informations instead of spewing blame. Now, if the
person can't do it, well, that's a sign that they
(46:08):
may have some work to do themselves. But really just
asking for what you need, getting to the core of
what you're scared of, getting to the core of that feeling.
Feelings are simple, It's one word, right, That's so much
more balanced and probably is going to be more successful
(46:32):
than telling a whole story that risks transferring blame and shame,
transferring it to the other person instead of reducing it
in yourself. In short, don't start talking until you know
why you're about to talk. And I'm explaining, isn't enough
(46:54):
of a reason to start talking. Why are you explaining?
What is the goal, what is the need? It's much
better to go Look, I need some reassurance right now.
I need a minute. I need you to tell me
you don't think I'm crap. Yeah. Sure, these are vulnerable,
(47:15):
but they're honest, and for a person who does care
about you in an non abusive way, that's really the
best course to getting your emotional needs met. And often
those lengthy explanations are just about ant need. So figure
out what that is as I try to say the
(47:37):
word met instead of net again. Good, but I'm out
of time and my mouth has stopped working. So questions, comments,
concerns Leanna at notthapyshow dot com, at not therapyshow dot
com at not Therapy Show on social media. If you
need more information about maybe where to start, maybe to
clarify certain points, please feel free to drop me an email.
(48:01):
It's much better than sitting there second guessing everything's doing,
wondering what it could have, shouldow whatever, right, Just reach out.
It's okay to ask for help. It's good to ask
for help. It's smart to ask for help, or even
just sanity check or a good crazy check. Yeah, a
good crazy check, because you know how I close every show.
(48:23):
You know what's coming. You're crazy is only a problem
if it's hurting you. Talk next time.
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello, listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is It's not therapy. I'm Leanna Kerzner, and I am
(00:30):
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
the madness of mental health using my top ten sayings
for going good crazy. This week, we're gonna talk about
how well sensational title, but it is actually true. I
think how over explaining can ruin your life. How over
explaining might be ruining your life. A lot of listeners
(00:51):
might feel called out by this show because I'm doing
it because there's been a lot of overexplaining going around
in my life right now. But hey, better you hear
it here and make corrections. Then keep giving people the
impression that your emotions and impressions are very, very important,
but other peoples don't matter nearly as much. That's the
(01:13):
biggest risk I find comes with chronic over explaining. Everybody
has their reasons and their valid reasons. But I've had
two recent experiences, both coincidentally with younger women that sort
of gen z cohort. I don't want to dunk on
gen Z because people of all ages can do this,
(01:34):
but these two women, they were gonna unleash a trauma dump.
No matter what anyone else thought about it. It didn't
do anything good for either of them, and in fact,
it left the other people involved with a more negative
opinion of them. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let
(01:54):
me give you some examples of over explaining based on
my recent experiences. The first was a situation one of
my facilitators escalated to me where someone approached him directly
and asked if he wanted to get into the details
of why she felt so sorry about a very minor
thing that it happened, and the facilitator said he didn't
(02:16):
need her to be sorry, he needed her to try
to listen and understand why she was getting the responses
she did. Now, based on the theme of the show,
you can probably guess what came next. This well meeting
person agreed, then proceeded to trauma dump anyway with a
lengthy treatise on why what she did was terrible after
(02:37):
she was told it wasn't, and how sorry she was
after being told that the facilitator wasn't looking for an
apology while the person in question she was trying really,
really hard. What she ended up communicating was that she
wasn't listening because she was all wound up to explain.
(02:59):
It's fairly easy to see from a place of rational
distance how that sort of bad habit is going to
get you into trouble in professional and personal relationships. But
these responses are ingrained from childhood. Some people are compelled
to do them, even though it doesn't get them a
good response, and it creates more trouble than it's ault.
(03:23):
Here's another example. This one happened to me personally. Someone
recently got very unhappy with me because my email responses
were too short for her liking. And it's true, it's rare.
I see the point in an email that's more than
four to five sentences long. I think a longer conversation
is better had via voice or zoom call or something
(03:44):
like that. But this person determined that no, it wasn't
that I just keep my messages short. I was coming
across as passive aggressive. Now she checked herself momentarily and said,
I may be wrong about that, but and then launched
into a lengthy diatribe about how terrible my suspective passive
(04:05):
aggression was, which completely wiped out the proceeding I may
be wrong. It's amazing how often this happens. For God's sakes,
if there's a chance you're wrong, stop, find out before
you say things you can't take back, like the person
(04:25):
in this example did. Now I get it. It's anxiety, right,
And like I said, these sorts of anxiety driven responses
get attributed to gen z a lot, and Okay, maybe
it's more common in that demographic, but again, I've found
people in all age brackets who behave this way. And
(04:45):
I'm not talking about neurodivergent info dumping. Neurodivergent info dumping
and this sort of over explaining based on panic and anxiety.
They get lumped in together in articles about this stuff,
but they have completely different characteristics. For one, every autistic
(05:05):
person I know is hyper aware that they can overtalk, right.
Part of the reason I keep my email short is
I was told, yeah, your emails are too long. People
aren't reading them. You're putting too much in emails. Okay,
this panic response, I'm talking about the over explaining. You
(05:29):
get that and saying okay, slow down, I get it.
Nine times out of ten the person will go faster
and get frustrated with you. Okay, they're not the same thing.
And I am fed up to hear with neurodivergency getting
mixed in with mental illness. They're not the same thing. Okay,
(05:50):
Now this over explaining the actual over explaining, not the
info dumping. The panic response is, according to some experts,
a defense mechanism and a stress response that came from
trying to appease a parent or caregiver in early life.
According to these experts, children raised in these environments don't
(06:10):
develop balanced information and social processing abilities, and so they'll
interpret mildly stressful or even neutral responses as threatening. The
ensuing stress response tanks their ability to concentrate and process information,
and over explaining becomes a self soothing behavior against the
(06:33):
feeling of not being believed or understood. And I've found
personally in my work it's not just families that had
a lot of yelling. Though a lot of clients that
are working on over explaining come from families with a
lot of yelling. There were also families that were checked
out because of a divorce or other life crisis, and
(06:55):
their kids felt the need to just protect the parent
from their own problems, and so any even remotely neutral,
disinterested response from parents just built and built and built. Now,
of course, the person who accused me of passive aggression,
well she didn't stop there. No, you saw the self
(07:19):
soothing earlier in the communications, and it was like, I'd
send her for a sentences, she'd send me three lengthy emails. Okay,
so self soothing wasn't working. So she went into the
it's not me, it's you mode, intent on finding something
wrong with my responses to balance out her apparent terror
(07:40):
of having done something wrong. In that particular case, what
was the issue, people like, give me more detail. I
don't like to spill the tea on these, but in
this case, it was a conversation that basically she needed
to make a decision. I couldn't make it for her.
I kept kicking it back to her life. Let me
(08:00):
know when you've made a decision, And instead of just
making the choice. She spun and spun and spun until
she overheated. What she interpreted as passive aggression was just
me reiterating that the choice had to be her choice,
and she seemed to get more and more frustrated and
frightened at something. And these are the moments in a
(08:25):
conversation where it's like you've got a front row seat
to see how somebody's you know, important people in their lives,
parents or other sort of authority figure how they talk
to this person. And these methods of communication tend to
be harsh, blame written and helpfully flattered, aggressive and ironically
(08:51):
passive aggressive. This woman referred to emails as nuanced grunts. Yes,
text was me grunting. Mm hmmm. See that wasn't about me,
And I'm sure she wasn't intending to be harsh, blame
(09:11):
wridden and unhealthfully aggressive or passive aggressive. Right. It doesn't
feel harsh, blame ridden or unhealthfully aggressive to the people
that are doing it. It feels well a lot of time.
The big problem is someone in this state can't identify
and name what they're feeling other than bad shame over
(09:33):
feelings of fear and anger. And embarrassment mean that they
can't center themselves in their own experience, and so things
get really big, really fast. So part of it is
nervous system, sure, another part is a cognitive story that's
being told. Now. Those who study happiness have found that
(09:57):
the ability to identify and process negative emotions is strongly
linked to greater life satisfaction. So if you're trying to
outrun bad feelings with the words of the of a Kind,
it's not my fault, it's your fault. You know you are.
And I say this with all the caring in the world.
(10:18):
That's why I'm doing this show. You are wrecking your
own life with this stuff. Even if you don't actively
lay blame, especially of the I could be wrong, but
variety that I got you might still be coming across
in ways that make the people around you feel not valued.
(10:38):
Another gen zism, sorry gen Z I've observed is in
every generation as the way of talking. Okay, this is
just I've seen sort of this. Gen Z has been
taught to talk this way and it's not their fault.
Maybe it came from their parents. But the gen zism
is I'm not saying you intended this or I'm not
saying this is in any way your fault, followed by
(11:00):
a butt and a heavy dose of misery. Think about
that for a moment. Okay, if the person doesn't intend it,
or it's not their fault, what's with the misery dump? Okay?
Is that the appropriate time to unload really heavy feelings
(11:22):
on them like that? Because if they don't intend to
do it, are you sure it's coming from them? Is
this work you should be doing that? You're offloading onto
the other person, you know, even if you don't intend to,
even if it's not your fault. Right, we've taught younger
(11:42):
adults to start in the wrong place. Okay, all this
therapy speak that's infected our day to day language, Right,
It's much better to just say how you're feeling, like, look,
that caught me off guard, I need a minute, or
that reminded me of something that you couldn't possibly know about,
(12:03):
you know, give me a minute. Right, There's much better
to just say that than prefacing this. Oh my god,
I feel so terrible with you didn't mean to, but
I'm totally gonna talk like you did. Right, If you
don't think the person meant to, not even a little.
What exactly are you trying to communicate with the six
(12:26):
thousand words of misery? Okay, maybe say what you're trying
to do, what your intentions are, off the top, and
then stop, like, look, I need some support here, I
just had a bad memory something like that. Real simple, Okay,
your friends are not your therapist. Your coworkers certainly aren't,
(12:50):
and you're going to get a much better reaction from
them if you strip out that. I'm not saying it's
your fault, back door blame, cause if you really think
someone contributed to your unhappiness in some way, say so, right,
just come right out there like that, red as a shot.
I don't think that's fair. I say that to people
(13:12):
who may not have intended to be nasty, but nap
hit the button. I don't think that's fair, and I'm
prepared to back it up. Right. I'm prepared to be
wrong if I just make a blunt claim like that,
and if I'm wrong, I'm gonna have to own it
(13:33):
and make it right. But if you are actually setting
and enforcing your boundaries, don't do the I'm sure you
didn't mean to, but this totally is not your fault.
But I mean, I've had people do that this totally
is not your fault. But after you said that, I
cried for hours. Okay, you cried for hours over something
(13:57):
I said, but it totally wasn't my fault. That's just
bs okay. Top ten phrase. Other people don't have to
like your boundaries, but they do have to respect them.
If you don't want to hear something, just deblunt okay,
because what you're doing with the over explaining is perpetuating
(14:19):
that cycle of blame and judgment and appeasement that caused
you to over explain in the first place. Over explaining
your misery is communicating that you expect the people around
you to somehow fix your problem for you, and often
that's not possible because the real root of the problem
is that hyperactive stress response over neutral too slightly negative communications.
(14:40):
Because really, if I was being passive aggressive and trying
to needle that person, I wasn't, well, let's assume I was. Okay,
If I was, they gave me exactly what someone being
passive aggressive would be looking for, didn't they. They exploded,
They made a bunch of unprovable accusations and even acknowledge
that they could be wrong. But just charge forward any way,
(15:01):
that's not a recipe for success. Someone being passive aggressive
is a them problem, not a you problem. Until they
come out and clearly say what their issue is, they
can keep on sulking, right. They're allowed their negative feelings
because if you reward the passive aggression with the response,
while you're just encouraging them to keep doing it. And
(15:22):
if perceived passive aggression sends you into panic overdrive, you
may want to consider therapy for potential childhood neglect. Again,
I say this because I really do want better for people,
Like I say all the time on this show, I
am not a therapist, but I can give you some
suggestions for avoiding overexplaining and getting the bottom of what's
(15:43):
triggering it. And we'll start that after the break, after
a very lengthy opening. Do you have a story you
think would be good for the show? Are you interested
in sponsoring the show? Leanna at Notthapyshow dot com. Not
Therapy show dot Com is the website at no Therapy
Show on socials How, over explaining is ruining your life
and how to get more balance? When we come back
on It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
No Radio, No Problem stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot CAA.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot ca. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still the inccursoner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about over explaining, how it's
(16:38):
ruining your life and how to get better balance. Now,
as we discussed before the break, we're not talking about
neurodivergent info dumping. This is something different. A lot of
neurodivergent people do have anxiety, and they also have shame,
embarrassment and a fear of things spiraling out of control.
But neurodivergency is its own thing. You can have both.
(17:04):
We're talking about the over explaining rooted in shame, embarrassment
and a fear of things spiraling out of control. Not
really really liking Avatar the Last Airbender. Okay, the problem
is the spiraling out of control that you're afraid of.
They spiraled out of control with a person from the
past who is not the person you're dealing with in
(17:26):
the present. So that person in the present, They have
no idea what you're on. Okay, just real talk, think
about it. There's a ton of emotional stuff going on
inside you in those moments that no other person is
privy to. But you. People cannot read your mind, No,
(17:46):
they really can't. So if you start talking to this
person right in front of you like some horrible bully
from your past that needs to be plicated or they're
going to hurt you, the person talking to in the
present is not going to know what the heck's going on.
That is, in fact, how it's coming across when you
(18:08):
over explain that way that the other person is some
horrible bully that you need to defend yourself against. You know, well,
when you're not saying that people have to right to
be angry at you through the back door, right, that's
another thing that over explaining can do, or you know,
it can come across as explaining instead of apologizing and
(18:31):
actually finding out what it's gonna take to make it right.
And obviously none of these interpretive options are good. Right now,
you might wanting to be explaining to me why I'm
wrong about all this, like no, no, no, that's not
why I'm doing it. Let me explain. This is your
first chance to do things differently. Okay, we're gonna learn
(18:54):
here together. First of all, Okay, you think I'm wrong,
I'm just someone on the radio or a podcast. Right,
Why is it so upsetting to you? People are allowed
to be wrong. It isn't that big a deal. If
you think people being wrong about you is some sort
(19:17):
of threat to you, that's the beginning of understanding your
issue with over explaining. Okay, and I say this as
some people make up wild stuff about me all the time,
woo rumors. Right, I know it's not true. Hear me out. Okay,
(19:37):
say you think somebody's wrong about you, would you like
someone to jump on you every time you made a mistake? Okay,
what do you think it looks like when you leap
to correct someone because you're convinced they're wrong about you. Right,
it's jumping on them for making a mistake. Right, That's
how it can come across. That's the difference between explaining
(20:00):
and over explaining, or at least one of them explaining. Well,
it can wait a few minutes. Over explaining is this
all consuming thing that you must do before you're capable
of listening? Because it is the crust of the wave
of an internal freak out. And there's a reason I
(20:23):
say top ten phrase listen twice before you talk once.
If you're in that freakout state, you're in a state
where you're not capable of listening. And trust me, you
are gonna get more wrong than you get right. In
those states, you are going to jump to conclusions, you
(20:43):
are going to catastrophize. That is a time where not
speaking is better. The best idea when you're in that
state is take a bit to recenter, get to the
point you can effectively listen as well as talk. Because
(21:05):
here's the thing. If you really believe the person that
you need to explain to you is a threat, there's
something seriously wrong with that relationship and maybe you should
get out of it. But if you think all people
are threats, well there's some work that can be done there, okay,
Because most people are not to get you. Most people
(21:26):
are just trying to get by day to day. So
assuming that this is some direct attack on you in
your response is just gonna seem bad. Crazy. Someone with
a PTSD diagnoses me right here, trust me. Yeah, but
you're going no, I'm not no, Yeah, yeah, no, you are.
(21:49):
I'm sorry you are. If you must explain to diffuse
the threat, then you're treating that person like a threat
and a person just mining their own business and trying
to solve a problem or just going what did I say?
Those people are allowed to have thoughts and feelings about you,
(22:11):
treating them like a threat. Oh, but their thoughts and
feelings are the threat. Now think about that statement. What
that statement is saying in real terms that, oh, their
thoughts and feelings are what threatened me. That's saying no
one is allowed to have negative feelings about you without
(22:33):
you thinking they're going to harm you. And if you
keep acting from that place, I guarantee you people are
going to eventually start thinking that you don't like them
or don't care about them because you're treating their feelings.
You're treating their discomfort, you know, as a threat to
(22:53):
destroy instead of just something that does happen. You're asking
somebody to listen to your lengthy explanation about how bad
things are for you, but they're not allowed to have
any negative emotions around you. Do you see the issue here? Okay, now, okay,
(23:16):
I understand it's hard to sit there waiting for criticism.
But you're expecting because either that's how you grew up
or that's what the history of the relationship has been.
Trust me, I get it. But imagine what it's like
for the other person to get treated like they're attacking
you when they haven't. That's what happens when you try
(23:38):
to explain away a potential threat who happens to be
the other person. But it's not that you know the
explanation start again, right, See, this is why you can't listen.
You're arguing with an audio recording right now? Okay, your
reactions here. It really isn't about me. This is about
an inability to admit that you're not arguing. Oh oh sorry,
(24:01):
I know you're not arguing that you're debating. Oh no, sorry,
you're not debating. That's too strong. If you're trying to
defend yourself against something the other person didn't actually say,
but what they said made you think the thing you're explaining, Well,
if it's not a direct connection, that person can absolutely
(24:24):
not follow you there, you know. Now, would you like
to talk to someone who went on tangents you couldn't
follow and then who responded to your confusion if it
was yet another threat. Well, if the answer is no,
then maybe changing the way you do things is in order,
(24:45):
because that's how you're likely coming across to the people
around you. And some of you will claim yes, yes,
you would like to deal with someone who went on
tangents and treated your confusion as a threat. No, no,
I'm serious. People have done this right, because then their
idea is right. You can have a conversation a work
that out. Now. Unfortunately, that theory is based on an
(25:08):
ideal conversation, and that ideal conversation is that the person
admits they jump topics and misjudge your confusion. And there's
the catch. You can only expect that from other people
if you're willing and able to do it yourself. And
(25:29):
most chronic over explainers can't do that very thing. They're
feeling too vulnerable, they're feeling too panicked. They have to
defend against somebody's gonna get me if I admit a mistake.
Even if you do say I'm sorry, Like one of
the examples I used off the top, the admission of error,
(25:49):
the apology gets undone because some explanation follows that makes
it sound like, well, you had no choice but to
make the mistake, right, they I had to. I had to.
I had no other choice. Right, And who was forcing you? Who?
The person you're talking to, which is once again treating
(26:13):
them like some terrible bully. Expect them to act accordingly
if they're a bully, well, if they're not a bully.
Most people don't like bullies. Now, hopefully some of you
will see the problem with the structure by now. The
(26:34):
conversations I've described are very one sided, since they're structured
on the idea that one person will explain and the
problem will just go away. The thinking is not problems
get solved by a give and take, a back and forth.
It's not one person doing all the explaining and the
(26:55):
other person doing all the listening. Oh, but you don't
mean to do that. You could explain what you're really
mean to do. Well, guess what. The other person probably
didn't mean to either, But they're still stuck hearing your frantic,
emotionally intense explanation of how god awful this all is
(27:16):
for you. But I don't mean too. If you're responding
from a place of panic, things are gonna seem dire
no matter how many times you say, I'm not saying
it's your fault. It's not that big a deal. But
no matter how many of those BS rappers you put
on the core message, if you are freaking out, that
(27:37):
is gonna cut through any preface you put on it.
There's no getting around that. So what do you do?
How do you deal with panic? If not over explaining?
I'll get to that after the break. The pause will
help you practice your patients questions, comments, concerns. Leanna at
(27:58):
Nottherapyshow dot com. Not therapy dot com is the website
at notherapy show on Socials. We'll be back with how
over explaining is wrecking your relationships and what you can
do differently on It's Nototherapy.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Stream us live at SOGA nine six am dot CA.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. We're back
in a therapy I'm still Aana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about how over explaining is
(28:40):
possibly wrecking your relationships. Before the break, I promise to
discuss how to deal with panic in a way that
doesn't involve over explaining, and see, I'm gonna do it now,
so there's no need to panic. This is the thing.
If you trust people to do what they say they're
gonna do, most of the time they will, and if
(29:00):
they don't, that's information right now. The first step to
dealing with panic without making a bigger mess of things
is this is gonna sound weird. Realize you're panicking now.
Most people are like, yeah, okay, But that's easier said
than done. If you struggle with negative emotions because you
think their weakness. Everyone feels all the emotions in the
(29:24):
spectrum happy, you know, embarrassed, but then angry, afraid. Oh no,
fear's bad. Anger's bad. Right, we put a social charge
on those two, right, Panic? Oh god, that's cowardice. No, no, no,
you have to stop putting that story on it. Name
(29:46):
your emotions. Are you panicking? Yes? No. The next step
is to ask yourself if you're panicking because of what's happening,
or if you're panicking because of what you think might
have happen, and realize that if it's about what might happen,
the other person isn't going to be able to understand
(30:08):
that that's what you're responding to, and explaining it risks
offending them because you're letting them know that you're assuming
they're going to do something terrible that they haven't done.
You have to accept that you're reacting to something that
isn't presently happening anywhere but your own mind. Sure, there's
(30:33):
a chance it might happen, but it isn't happening right now,
And the best way to keep things on an even
keel is to slow things down and reduce the number
of assumptions you make, which means speaking or writing in
smaller pieces. None of this. If I've misunderstood you, I'm sorry.
But if I haven't answered, how terrible it is. None
of that nonsense. Okay, If you realize you aren't sure
(30:56):
about something, stop and find out the answer before continuing.
You're not a helpless little kid anymore. You're an adult.
Show up as one. Again. Not the same as neurodivergent infodumping,
because neurodivigent people are very aware they infodump, and they
(31:17):
are waiting to be told to stop right sometimes to
the point of oversensitivity. But someone over explaining from panic
tends not to react well to being asked to stop
or slow down, even though yes, logically it is the
best thing for the situation, which is why if you're
an over explainer, this might be hard to hear, but
(31:41):
the responsibility is on you to slow down and give
less information at once, at least put the work in
instead of just explaining at length. Why you need to
give so much information that's making the problem worse instead
of better. You have to accept that you're over No
(32:01):
one can do that for you. If you don't accept
that you're over explaining the gentle you know, reminders of
someone like you're doing it or just going to feel
like another attack. No one can do this for you.
No one is torturing you or deliberately misunderstanding you for
(32:24):
asking you to slow down or say less. Once you
understand that you are over explaining, try to figure out
why in a sentence or two. Don't tell a story,
name the feeling. This is important because over explaining can
be a form of over intellectualizing, which distances you from
(32:48):
your real central emotional experience, and it can prevent you
from processing your feelings in a healthy way. Now, not
having to deal with your feelings may sound like a
good thing, and you know what. It's a survival skill
in small to moderate doses. We can do it for
a reason, right, getting through a bad time when you
can't afford to break down. But if that intellectualizing becomes chronic,
(33:11):
if it becomes your go to, it can lead to
a lot of repressed or projected emotions. And it's those
projected emotions that are going to really wreck your over
explained relationships, especially when you're accusing people of your passitive
aggression and all that stuff. Right, nobody likes hearing they're
(33:33):
making you miserable and telling them they're doing it totally unintentionally.
That can make it worse. Okay, no, hear me out.
It can't, because if someone's aware of what they're doing,
they can stop. If you're getting extremely upset because of
(33:55):
a connection you made to what they said that they
had no idea idea about it, right, that's a very
helpless feeling. If you're overusing me, I'm not saying this
is your fault tactic, people are gonna stop believing you
because if it's not their fault, why are they hearing
(34:16):
about it at length? What you're telling them in practical terms,
in outcomes driven thinking is their presence is an irritant
to you, and they can't stop the irritation from happening
again because you're making associations. Things are going on in
your head that there's absolutely no way for them to predict.
(34:41):
They just reset the clock until the next failure. In
this instance, and let's face it with the people who
I'm not saying it's your fault, but I cried for
hours after you sent me that text. Like I will
go right out and say that, right there is a
loadable the crying owner's response to the text. If you
(35:03):
really don't think it's the other person's fault, don't tell
them about the crying for hours, all right, keep that
to yourself. I'm not saying your fault. You know. I'm
not saying it's your fault. But that's just not owning
that you really wanted the person to know they quote
unquote made you cry. Here's the problem, Okay, crying for
(35:28):
hours after a single text might just saying be a
you problem. That's a very strong response to a written
message with a character limit. At some point, real talk here,
and I say this is somebody who went through it.
You have to decide whether continue to make your trauma
the most important relationship in your life. If you don't
(35:51):
want that, you have to make changes. And a lot
of people understand this in theory, but they still have
the remaining compulsion to explain, And so I hear, when
do I get to explain? When does a person you
just backdoor accused of maybe doing a bunch of stuff
get to tell you that that wasn't your intent their intent,
(36:12):
right after you told them how terrible the effect was
on you, Right, because they didn't get a chance to
say that wasn't what I intended to do before you
misery dumped on them. And after you've done that, after
you've told them how terrible it was, why in God's
name would anybody bother telling you what they actually intended.
(36:36):
You've made what they did sound terrible, Why would you care? Right?
That's the problem with pulling these accusations by way of explanations,
especially the I know that's not what you said, but
it's what I thought of variety. Right, when somebody pulls
out on me, that's it. Even if the person cares
about my feelings in the abstract, they're not in a
(36:57):
place where they can hear anyone else's feelings. Because they're
completely caught up in a death battle with their own
The reality is that the people around a chronic over
explainer tend to end up feeling like their motivations don't matter,
their reasons don't matter, their feelings don't matter. So much
(37:21):
energy is put intuplicating the over explainer into temporary stability,
and then of course the over explainer starts saying things
like I'm being annoying or I'm being a burdener. I
can't do anything right, and I know when I get
in places like that that is not a good place, right,
That's not that's I'm gonna say this because hearing it
(37:45):
is gonna hurt too much territory as somebody who's saying
that is probably not capable of hearing. Well, if you
really believe that, do things differently, even though well, that's logical, right,
these aren't logical moments, and someone starts beating themselves up
like that, they're in an unhealthy spiral and nothing else
(38:06):
is gonna get resolved. Right. We'd all love to be
unending wells of strength, unending wells of support in those moments,
but let's face it, when someone has just told you
that you accidentally are the reason they're having a complete
freak out meltdown. You made them even though you totally
didn't mean to. Well, you don't exactly feel like you're
(38:27):
an appropriate source of support for that person, you know,
because what if you do it again by not meaning to.
That's a rational response. And often people who are doing this,
I got so I cried so much. I know you
didn't mean to, but you made me cry. They're looking
for a reassurance, and that is exactly the wrong way
(38:47):
to get it, because people were like, well, if I
made you cry for that much and I didn't mean to,
I'm not gonna say anything more. I don't want to
make it worse. So when our explanations appropriate instead of
too much, I'll get to those after our final break.
Delayed gratification right, just let it ride. Questions, comments, concerns
Leanna at Nontherapyshow dot com. Not Therapyshow dot com is
(39:09):
the website at not Therapy Show on social media. When
we come back how over explaining might be wrecking your relationships.
Speaker 1 (39:18):
On It's Not Therapy, No Radio, No Problem. Stream is
live on SAGA ninety six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (39:31):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still in a cursor. I'm still
not a therapist, and we're still talking about how over
explaining could be ruining your relationships. And has promised I'm
(39:54):
going to talk about when it's okay to explain. And
I'm hesitant to do this because I've if I'm the
chronic explainers. The minute be okay to explain, thing happens,
it immediately resets to let me explain instantly and all
the time, precisely because this is a compulsion. So the
(40:15):
way I figured to do okay, how can I do
practical advice? Here? Right, here's a checklist, here's some things.
Check in with yourself before you start explaining. Can I
name what I'm feeling? If yes, start there, don't proceed,
(40:35):
Just say what you're feeling. Am I naming that feeling
without telling myself a negative story about that feeling? If yeah, proceed,
If you're going, oh my god, I'm so afraid and
I'm so annoying, I'm such a burden, Like, no, it's
okay to be afraid. Everybody's afraid. Sometimes. Can you open
(41:01):
your mouth to express that feeling without going further than that?
Can you say I am scared, I am sad, I
am angry without saying you made me or some version
of that? All right? How can I express what I'm
(41:21):
saying as quickly and simply as possible? You know, I'm
frightened because this is going too fast. Not when you
said this, and I said this, and you said this,
and I said this, and then you did that and
I said this, then you said that, you said that
that made me afraid. Just just cut to the chase.
The important piece of information there for a person who
cares about you is the very last thing you said,
(41:44):
and by that point they're lost. Does the person I'm
speaking to seem upset? Do they seem agitated? Do they
seem worried? Right? Perhaps empathizing? Perhaps, you know, checking in
with their feelings first is a more effective strategy to
(42:05):
keep things on an even keel. Then panicked, explaining the
next one is really important. I've touched on it in
the show before about the you might be doing this,
but if you know, no, do I have enough information?
I know what needs to be explained? That person who
was like you not maybe intending to be passive aggressive?
(42:26):
But how about finding out right? Simple? But for some
people not easy because they really want to say how
that suspicion made them feel? Right? And that's why this
next thing is important. What is my overall anxiety level?
If it's high, probably not making the best decisions right?
(42:51):
And is that anxiety about the present, the past, or
some overall personal insecurities. When I realize something is hitting
my insecurities, I slow right down and every communication becomes
what is my intent in what I am saying? This
(43:15):
is critical for people with trauma. Right, For people with trauma,
you can't expect a particular outcome. You can hope for it,
but you can't bet your sanity on being able to
control another person's responses. And when you are traumatized because
(43:37):
it was a scary environment, you do you do try
to control the other person's responses or feelings. It's not
the same as being considerate, because being considerate is you
notice the other person at a bad reaction, you stop,
you find out why before proceeding. A trauma response, is
someone has a bad reaction, or even just one, you
(43:59):
can't really well freak out five on fire, all the
inside out characters running around in your brain screaming right
like there's a difference. And one of the best things
that help me get out of the trauma symptoms was
am I trying to control the other person in responses feelings? Here?
(44:20):
Sometimes you just have to let go and recognize people
have the right to be angry with you. They don't
have the right to do anything they want to you
because they're angry. Now, if you've gone through this checklist
and you still feel like you can proceed, keep your
explanations as short as possible. Like I said off the top,
(44:41):
I keep my emails to four or five sentences, because
that's pretty much all anybody absorbs. Now, one sentence in
a tense situation, You know, one sentence okay, so far?
Can I continue another another slower is better? And keep
an eye on the person you're talking to for signs
(45:04):
of distress, and if they say what you're laying on
them is too much for them at the moment, for
God's sakes, please don't get upset with them for that, because,
let's face it, that is exactly what you're likely afraid of.
There is the person's going to you know, not be
(45:26):
able to handle it. You can't handle it, right, That's
the thing, you see how my emotions the other person's
bled into each other. There I got confused, who is
the one feeling what? Emotional conversations get overwhelming fast, and
often the best thing to do in a difficult conversation
(45:47):
is the last thing people think about doing. A firm
that you care for the other person. If you need
to hear they care about you, ask for that. Just
ask for informations instead of spewing blame. Now, if the
person can't do it, well, that's a sign that they
(46:08):
may have some work to do themselves. But really just
asking for what you need, getting to the core of
what you're scared of, getting to the core of that feeling.
Feelings are simple, It's one word, right, That's so much
more balanced and probably is going to be more successful
(46:32):
than telling a whole story that risks transferring blame and shame,
transferring it to the other person instead of reducing it
in yourself. In short, don't start talking until you know
why you're about to talk. And I'm explaining, isn't enough
(46:54):
of a reason to start talking. Why are you explaining?
What is the goal, what is the need? It's much
better to go Look, I need some reassurance right now.
I need a minute. I need you to tell me
you don't think I'm crap. Yeah. Sure, these are vulnerable,
(47:15):
but they're honest, and for a person who does care
about you in an non abusive way, that's really the
best course to getting your emotional needs met. And often
those lengthy explanations are just about ant need. So figure
out what that is as I try to say the
(47:37):
word met instead of net again. Good, but I'm out
of time and my mouth has stopped working. So questions, comments,
concerns Leanna at notthapyshow dot com, at not therapyshow dot
com at not Therapy Show on social media. If you
need more information about maybe where to start, maybe to
clarify certain points, please feel free to drop me an email.
(48:01):
It's much better than sitting there second guessing everything's doing,
wondering what it could have, shouldow whatever, right, Just reach out.
It's okay to ask for help. It's good to ask
for help. It's smart to ask for help, or even
just sanity check or a good crazy check. Yeah, a
good crazy check, because you know how I close every show.
(48:23):
You know what's coming. You're crazy is only a problem
if it's hurting you. Talk next time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!