July 10, 2025 • 48 mins
Truth, Justice and a Better Tomorrow...
Do those principles seem a bit hokey to you? A bit dated? They do for some people. But why? Why is the desire to stand for honesty, fairness and optimism derided as being stale and "Woke"? The new Superman movie has risked restoring Clark Kent to a symbol and hope of the kindness we are all capable of. It's a litmus test of our times - will audiences relate to it or reject it? Liana talks about the dysfunction behind the "Cruel is Cool" attitude driving political movements and how Superman's history as a character represents the challenges we all face to be our best selves at a time when kindness is mocked as foolishness.
Do those principles seem a bit hokey to you? A bit dated? They do for some people. But why? Why is the desire to stand for honesty, fairness and optimism derided as being stale and "Woke"? The new Superman movie has risked restoring Clark Kent to a symbol and hope of the kindness we are all capable of. It's a litmus test of our times - will audiences relate to it or reject it? Liana talks about the dysfunction behind the "Cruel is Cool" attitude driving political movements and how Superman's history as a character represents the challenges we all face to be our best selves at a time when kindness is mocked as foolishness.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello, listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is this not therapy. I'm Leanna Kerzner, and I am
(00:30):
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
the madness of mental health using my top ten things
for going good crazy. This week, we're gonna talk about kindness,
which is apparently the theme of the Superman movie that
releases this weekend. And I'm very very excited about the
Superman movie that releases this weekend. So we're going to
talk about something involving Superman. Yeah, awesome this week? Okay, kindness.
(00:54):
Kindness means different things to different people. Handy Dandy AI
algorithms refer to it is being friendly, generous, and considerate
to Superman. Kindness is embedded in truth, justice, and a
hope of a better tomorrow. If you can do something
good do it in this transactional materialist age where doing
(01:17):
the right thing apparently converts to social media bullying. That
was sarcasm. Kindness is a hard sell. Now. If anybody
can make this movie stick, it's James Gunn. But you know,
hard sell. People avoid being kind because they believe it
leads to them being taken advantage of. But I see
(01:40):
this as something of an excuse. If you're doing something
nice and not expecting anything in return, how can you
to be taken advantage of? Reciprocated kindness is nice, but
not essential to you being kind yourself. Being kind does
not inherently make you a doormat. You're not kind to
(02:00):
others because of what it says about that other person.
You're kind because of what it says about you. But
true kindness is a challenge, especially when it's defined as
you know, truth, justice, and the hope for a better tomorrow.
But I think that this definition of kindness actually works
(02:22):
really well, hence me dedicating a whole show to it.
Sometimes the truth will seem mean. That doesn't mean you
lie to be kind. You just find the kindest thing
that's still true. Sometimes justice means consequences, but consequences don't
have to be actively cruel and hope. Hope's a tough
(02:48):
one because sometimes it seems like hope is just well
being cruel to yourself. A Hope's a challenging concept that
interweaves a lot of other things, which is why I
find Superman's style of kindness so fascinating, and I do
believe it's achievable because it, you know, comes with the
(03:13):
caveat that sometimes, no matter how nice you are, it
comes time to punch someone in the face superfoundly deserves it.
How do you, Superman, punch people with kindness? Right? That's
sort of a metaphor for me for being kind doesn't
mean having no boundaries. In fact, boundaries are essential for
true kindness. Cruelty is way easier than kindness in the
(03:38):
short term until you start practicing kindness, because you realize
long term, if you practice kindness, you're happier, you have
fewer regrets because you know, kindness isn't isn't just isn't
about how you treat other people. Kindness is also about
(03:59):
how you treat yourself. Superman is delightfully old school when
it comes to where his kindness comes from. He grew
up in a stable home where his parents taught him
the value of being good to people. They didn't teach
him to hate people who are different, which I suppose
is what you get when a couple of Jewish boys
in Cleveland whose parents were Eastern European immigrants, got inspired
(04:21):
by Zorro and John Carter of Mars and imagined up
a story about a guy from Kansas. Okay, before you
get av I know Canadians. Joe Schuster lived in Toronto
until he was around nine, but he met Jerry Siegel
in Cleveland. I hear far too frequently this excuse it's
easy to be kind when you're super strong and can fly,
(04:41):
And I don't agree. A huge part of Superman's appeal
is his judicious use of his powers and choosing to
work for a living when he could just you know,
for instance, Rob Banks with his heat vision and be rich.
And if you look at a lot of the very
powerful men there these days, they're not exactly Superman paragons
(05:04):
of good behavior. Money and power don't make it easier
to be kind, They make it easier to be more
open about your true nature. The rich and powerful people
who screw over everyone you know, they believe that's just
the way of the world, Doggie dog and all that.
Whereas kind people believe that looking over your shoulder all
(05:27):
of the time is just too exhausting, So treat people
decently and associate with people who do the same. Some
people snicker at that last part, and that to me
is a red flag. People will attack me if I
let them. Is a powerful story to tell yourself. It
begs the question which people and if so, why are
(05:51):
they in your life? Is it work? Is it home?
If it's home, yikes? If it's work, ABC, what else
is out there? You don't have to quit today. Just
see if there's a healthier corporate environment you can move towards.
Not every company is that bad. People who think in
(06:12):
the people will attack me if I let them way
tend to be profoundly unkind to themselves, and this self
unkindness leads to unhealthy habits. So this is why we're
going to talk about how Superman can inspire us to
be kinder, which is what James Gunn says is hope
for the movies are and I wish him the best.
Do you have a story you think would be good
(06:34):
for the show. Are you interested in sponsoring the show
Leanna atnthapyshow dot com. Not therapyshow dot com is the
website at not therapy on social media. Back after this
and it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Stream us live at SAGA nine am.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose me health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still in a cursoner. I'm still
not a therapist. We're still talking about kindness the Superman
(07:17):
way because the movie is an excuse to talk about it.
I real lexing man. Okay. The first way we can
have Superman inspire us to be kind is adapting a
mentality of fortitude. You don't have to lash out at
everything because the proverbial bullets or lightning or whatever. You know,
(07:38):
if you're doing a Superman they just bounce off of you.
Will you say itickles, That is what fortitude is. And
sure kryptonite can come along. We all have things that
are our kryptonite. But Superman knows everything is not kryptonite,
otherwise he wouldn't leave the house. Superman doesn't spend all
his time thinking about how he's an alien so everyone
(08:00):
will hate him if they find out. Yes, he has
a secret identity sometimes, but he still pursues the woman
he's taken with, even though she doesn't really appreciate him
at first, an element of Superman's story that is increasingly
downplayed by having them already married in modern stories like
The Superman and Lowis Show, which I also highly recommend.
Clark Kent is kind to himself throughout his various setbacks
(08:23):
and rejections, and the fact that even Superman gets rejected
wasn't an accident. The guys who created him were sci
fi nerds. He understands that people who misinterpret him and
reject him don't define him. He's not gonna get bitter
because of them. Okay, obviously this excludes whatever the heck
that was that Zack Snyder did with Superman. It's too
(08:47):
bad Henry Cavill never got a decent script. Speaking of scripts,
early Superman stories from Action Comics number one onward had
Superman describing himself as the champion of the oppressed, the
physical marvel that had swarned to vote his existence to
helping those in need. In the very first issue, Superman
saved a falsely accused woman from death row, not by
(09:10):
busting her out of prison, but by persuading the governor
to pardon her. He also stopped a wife beating and
prevented the corruption of a senator by focusing on the
forces of corruption, not the poor character of the senator himself.
It was President Roosevelt's New Deal America when caring unkindness
(09:31):
were trendy. Superman didn't just fight the big fights. He
encouraged people to see how small acts of truth and
justice could be the American way. Of course, now all
of that is just mist just woke, but I really
believe that's the thinking of people who have lost hope
for a better tomorrow. Besides the truly woke people believe
(09:54):
Clark can't be relevant as a character because he's a white, straight,
cisgender man, except for the fact that his son is
bisexual and involved to the guy, who, of course is
an underground journalist and activist who was inspired by Lewis Lane.
Of course, John Kent Clarkson save does eventual boyfriend from
a school shooter, thus compromising a secret identity, and you're
(10:14):
allowed to roll your eyes. It's a bit on the nose,
and that was a really deep dive into modern Superman comics.
But so what, you don't have to like a story
personally to recognize the school shootings are straight up scary,
and it's okay to imagine a hero like Superman Junior
saving you from it while flying the Pride Flag. It
(10:35):
may seem out of touch to the stories we remember,
but it's not out of touch for Superman's hope for
a better tomorrow quality of writing aside, that's subjective, right,
but that kindness that Superman is trying to bring back
(10:56):
via James Gunn, this is where we run up a
against the way people handle problems, identify problems instead of
solving them. Right now, people these days get lost bickering
over systems of oppression and gender ideology, and it all
misses the point that Superman doesn't ask about someone's politics
(11:17):
before he saves them. So what if you think someone
is woke? Like really, so what if you think someone
hasn't checked their privilege? That's not a good reason to
be cruel to them. No, really, it's not, you know,
simply for the fact that if you're wrong, you're making
(11:38):
an unnecessary enemy. And again, kindness isn't what it says
about the other person, it's what it says about you.
The truth is, in broad strokes, the middle class of
today has it much better than the middle class of
Segul and Schuster's time when they debuted Superman. Depression and
(12:00):
back then was an economic problem, not a mental health
one in popular parlance. In fact, early Siegel and Schuster
sample comic strips were drawn on brown wrapping paper and
the backside of wallpaper that Joe Schuster had brought with
him from Toronto, because affording proper paper was out of
the question. The positive feedback from National Allied publications, along
(12:24):
with the request to submit the stories in pen and
ink on good paper, finally convinced Joe Schuster's parents to
loan him the money to buy the good paper. Now,
I'm not saying this to make people feel bad or
suggest they don't have any problems in that parking Madder
kind of way, but checking our own privilege regarding the
(12:46):
fact that we live in a time where that sort
of poverty is far rarer, can encourage us to be kinder.
And I mean that's happened in my lifetime. I spent
all of sixth grade drawing red margins on lined s
leave paper, you know, with a pen and ruler, because
my mother couldn't afford the paper with the red margins
already drawn on them. She was bringing home paper with
(13:08):
no margin from work. But I got in trouble at
school if I didn't have the right paper with the
red margin on it. So red pen and ruler. It
was every night and morning. To this day, my mother
refuses to admit that maybe we were kind of poor.
These experiences, like Krypton blowing up or getting rejected by
(13:29):
your own Lois Lane, can make you bitter, or it
can inspire you to kindness by realizing that most people
probably have setbacks of this kind or another as well.
Clark Kent's job as a journalist allowed him to be
tipped off about instances of injustice, but there was also
a theme of bravery of regular people in those early stories.
(13:53):
You know, okay, it might be a bit like, well,
this is intense when Superman encourages an orphan boy to
not run away from the orphanage because it was more
important to stand up for what's right than run away.
You know, of course this didn't involve the kids, you know,
canceling the owner of the orphanage on social media or
beating the owner to death. It meant turning the owner
(14:16):
over to the police. Superman never kept windfalls of cash
to himself. He put them back into the community. In
one story, he even tore down slums to make way
for new government housing, though what the people who lived
in those slums did during the construction period was something
you didn't think too hard about. The point was doing
(14:36):
the right thing involved action, not just screaming at each
other and name calling. Superman's kindness was rooted in the
concept of enough long before Ken popularized it again. But
he also believed in the goodness of most other people
and trust in the system because at the time of
his creation, people generally thought the govern was there to
(15:01):
help them. We don't live in those times now. Well, okay,
we're luckier in Canada than most places right now, and
I try to remember that and be kind to the
people in places like the US who have to deal
with you know, leaders who are more like Lex Luthor
mixed with Bizarro than Superman. And if you followed Mark
Carney's visit to the Calgary Stampede, you'll note that he
(15:23):
took Alberta Premier Danielle Smith's playful kind of jabs and
stride and just flat out ignored Pierre Poulievre's attempts to
turn a mishap flipping pancakes into a policy flip flop
talking point. Polieva really needs to learn to let things
bounce off him a little better. His thin skin isn't
(15:44):
well suited for the modern nostalgic hero era that's coming
in Fantastic four after Superman. I can't wait. I don't
want to be clear. That's not a job at Poalieva's
conservative politics. It's because of his personal lack of kindness.
This is about the man, not the policy. You know,
jug meet Singh, who you know, left wing, no better
(16:05):
in the kindness department. When it came to dealing with
people he politically disagreed with, he went over the line
a lot. I really believe, and I thought this after
I watched the one debate we got before the elections.
If he'd channeled more Superman and was less of a
(16:25):
merk with a mouth with the debate moderator, the NDP
may have done better in that election. Because Deadpool is great,
but not as any sort of leader in fairness to
you know, the two last gen politicians I just called
out Superman style behavior wasn't cool when they got the leaderships.
(16:47):
So our kindness muscles have gotten atrophied, and I think
Carney's old school vibe is an opportunity to kind of
get the old school kindness back. Where do we begin
to do that? We'll talk about that after the break.
Question comments concerns Leanna at not therapyshow dot com. Not
(17:08):
therapyshow dot com is the website at not therapy show
on social media. Back at us not therapy talking Superman
and Kindness How you can let the bullets bounce off
you too, And it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still Leana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about Superman and kindness, and
(17:51):
I love that we can openly talk about this again.
After years of dismissing Superman as a blue boy scout,
kindness just wasn't cool for decades. Look at the popular
sitcoms right the Big Bang theory. A large portion of
those jokes they were downright mean. They were just people
(18:13):
saying nasty things to each other that were supposedly funny,
and the cast of friends weren't really great friends. Meanwhile,
premium cable became the go to place for shows about
terrible people being terrible. Because of all of this hyper
competitive schooling, a merciless workforce, transactional personal relationships, we're collectively
(18:39):
out of practice regarding kindness. So what do we do
about that? I turned to my top ten phrases. You know,
be the hero of your own story and not anyone else's.
Don't let problems that aren't your fault lead to mistakes
that are, And listen twice before you talk once. Also,
other people don't have to like your boundaries, but they
(19:01):
do have to respect them. Well hold up. None of
those have anything to do kindness fair, not directly, but
they do create a strong foundation from which sincere kindness
can spring. Like Superman's bulletproof chest. The vulnerability inherent in kindness.
The thing that people avoid is exactly what makes it
(19:24):
good and rewarding and fulfilling and self validating and healthy.
And it's exactly the thing that makes it hard. And
that's why kindness thrives on boundaries. And boundaries make kindness
so much easier. You don't have to be a human
wishing well the minute you decide to be kinder. If
(19:48):
you say no to something after you've said yes to
a bunch of other things, and someone doesn't accept the no,
that is them problem. It doesn't have to be a
you problem. Me saying. Other people don't have to like
your boundaries, but they do have to respect them. Only
be as kind as you want to be, not as
kind as others demand you be. And you know, if
(20:11):
you feel like somebody's taking you for granted, be kind
to yourself and set some boundaries. It's important to have
those boundaries because you have to balance kindness with a
hero complex. And yeah, I've just been talking about Superman,
(20:31):
but you know that's where be the hero of your
own story and not anyone else's comes from. Everybody gets
to be their own superhero. Superman's kind heroism is based
on his core values. His actions are an extension of
(20:51):
those core values truth, justice, and hope for a better tomorrow.
He's not helping people for personal gain, and like I
said before the last break, he encourages regular people to
be the hero of their own stories. Whenever possible. He
encourages people to solve their own problems, not just have
(21:13):
him swoop in and solve them for them. And that's
important because kindness should never be part of an attempt
to control the actions of others. When you're trying to
control people through actions you think are kind, well, you're
letting problems that aren't your fault lead to mistakes that
are An ongoing theme in Superman stories is that Superman
(21:38):
can't solve all the world's problems. He can only make
the parts of it he interacts with somewhat better. That's
a very important thing to keep in mind when trying
to be kinder. You can't force change in other people.
You can only set a good example. You can nudget
(22:00):
you know, and the final point that I brought up
might be the most significant. Listen twice before you talk once.
Listen twice before you talk once. My goodness that needs
to come back. Superman has superheroing for a reason. All right,
If you fly into action fixing a problem you don't
(22:21):
really understand, you might not actually be helping. You're not
being kind there, if you're causing more trouble for other people.
You may mean well, but kindness only translates if it,
you know, actually helps people. Now, not everyone appreciates that help,
you know, often not right away, and tough love is
(22:44):
a thing, But the point stands. That's why your kindness
has to be rooted in something like truth, justice, hope
for the better tomorrow, like community, like integrity. You have
to figure out when kindness stops being kindness and starts
being well people pleasing, an attempt to control, manipulation, any
(23:08):
of those things, right, And that's all about motivation. That's
all work you do inside you. And this, you know,
leads us to another top ten phrase, healthy kindness. Goals
are based on things you can control. Sounds kind of obvious,
but is it, you know, True kindness springs from a
(23:32):
solid sense of self, an ability to self soothe, regulate emotions,
and handle disappointments. You have to be prepared to hear
you know, thanks but no thanks. I understand you're trying,
but this actually isn't helping me. And this is something
that Superman comes up with a lot in the comics
(23:54):
that I remember, this great one where Talia I'll Go
calls him. This was when she was running Lex Luthor's
companies and she wanted to expose some Luther Corp. Shenanigans,
and so she called Clark Kent, and Superman went, this
is a job for Superman and went in and you know,
fixed all the problems and beat up all the bad guys.
(24:17):
But what Tally I really wanted was for Clark Kent,
the reporter, to show up and expose the story. And
I thought that was such a wonderful cautionary tale that
sometimes it's a job for Clark Kent, not a job
for Superman. And if he'd just taken in a little
(24:40):
more information before he got going, maybe he'd have seen
that good intentions matter. They're not the only thing that matters.
The best way to show that your intentions are good
is to be able to handle when you hear that
(25:02):
something isn't landing the way you intended, or that you're
you know, you're actually creating more of an issue then
you're solving for the other person or the other person
just wants to solve the problem themselves. This is a
really common breakdown in relationships, and a lot of well
(25:25):
men and women want to be useful, but there's a
particular kind of usefulness in men that you know it's
well intentioned, but can lead to issues in a relationship
because they're trying to help but they're not. And then
men get rejected, and then they pull back, and then
they don't do the things they're asked to do because
(25:48):
they're carrying around resentment and bitterness. And remember I said
that that that can happen if you don't develop that resilience.
It's a huge part of Superman that people reject because
they think is impossible. Is that hope? Is that belief
(26:11):
that things will work out? Is that ability to suffer setbacks,
learn from them, go out and try again. And the
movie's emphasis on you know, feats of strength and spectacular
visuals don't really get into that as much as the
(26:32):
really well written comics have. The Superman and Lowest Show
Again definitely explored that it's a really good show again
check it out. But kindness again isn't easy. Kindness involves
constantly checking in, looping back around reassessing seeing if things
(26:55):
actually are moving in the right direction. And that's the
part that is too hard for people because you're coming
into it with a you know, perspective of upward social comparisons,
bitterness and resentment, and that's classically lacks Luthor's motivations, not Superman.
(27:20):
To invoke a cliche, kindness involves the ability to let
things go, not everything. But you can't absorb every slight
and hold on to it and wait for your moment
to enact revenge because you know, sometimes so much time
(27:43):
passes and you're so in your own head twisted by
this sense that someone's done you wrong, that the other
person doesn't know exactly what you're on about, is very
confused and doesn't even remember the event that you're really
(28:08):
really upset about. And unfortunately, no real motivation can motivation, sorry,
resolution can come from that, because well, if the person
doesn't remember what happened, all they can do is completely
(28:28):
capitulate to your version of events, which most people won't do.
That expectation isn't kind, and this is where we get
back into being kind to yourself. Often people hold grudges
because they are intensely tough on themselves. They don't just
(28:51):
set high standards for themselves, they're brutal on themselves when
they don't meet those standards. If you take the worst
person you see on the internet, the most abusive, invective spewing,
unfair word twisting troll out there, I can almost guarantee you,
(29:20):
based on personal experience, that the way they're talking to
people on the Internet is the way they talk to
themselves in real life in their own head. Now, imagine
what a terrible place that is. Right Because you can
block them, you can sign you can log off, they can't.
(29:44):
That's a running dialogue in their head. And when you
recognize that, it's much easier to maybe not be actively
kind to them, but be neutral, or at least realize
that maybe engaging with this person, continuing to feed this beast,
(30:08):
fighting with them, as as fun as it may seem
at first, it's just driving the knives into that person deeper.
And I you know, I give James Gunn a lot
of credit when he talks about kind of toxic online environments.
He says, you know, I'm as guilty of it as
anybody I have personally, me not James Gunn anymore. I
(30:31):
have stopped engaging in social media as much. You know,
we do cute cat videos because it's just putting happy
and cute out there. And you know, pounding the table
to stand up for issues, the endless treadmill of you know,
(30:55):
speaking out and standing up and fighting. It wasn't doing
any good. In some cases it was you know, the
tactics were taking causes I cared about in the wrong direction,
and it wasn't good for me either, because I ended
up just staring into the abyss too long and going,
(31:17):
how are people like this all the time? And kindness
is a loop. Some of us do well being kind
to others to encourage us to be kind to ourselves,
but also we have to be kind to ourselves to
(31:41):
be kind to others. It's very hard to have one
without the other. Because think about it, if you're not
kind to yourself, the stuff you're doing to please other people,
is it really kindness or is it trying to make
them like you? So screaming in your head stop because
maybe you'll get some external validation. And then the external
(32:05):
validation doesn't exactly feel so great, does it, because you
find every reason to dismiss it as not being true
or Oh, they're just being nice. Never understood that they're
just being nice? Are they being honestly nice? Are they
being dishonestly nice? What does that phrase even mean? It
(32:26):
basically means, oh, they don't really mean it, or it's
superficial and shallow, and yeah, let's not do that anymore.
Let's not be nice to that person's face and then
cut them up behind their back. That's not kind. Let's
check our punches. Let's not judge a person's entire character
(32:48):
by one opinion they have on social media, Like, let's
just not do that. People are very complex. People are
not bad people through and through. If they disagree with
you on one issue, in fact, they may not even
really disagree with you. They just explain themselves in a
different way. Or they may agree on the outcome we
(33:09):
have to get, just disagree on the way to go
about it. There is a big spectrum of possibilities between agree. Therefore,
a good person probably not disagree, bad person probably not.
(33:30):
Being a good person isn't just having the right opinions.
Being a good person is stepping up and doing the
hard things when it matters and there's no reward for it.
And again that requires fortitude that requires an internal resilience.
But I've talked a lot about what not to do
because it's cruel. What do we do? What are some
(33:53):
ways of actively being kind, involving truth, justice and a
hope for the better tomorrow, that kind of Superman. When
we can't fly, we don't have ice, bread, we don't
have heat vision, you know, we can't leave tall buildings
in a single back found and you know fly fast
and lot komotive loo kmotoves don't fly. I'll get to
(34:13):
that after the break. Questions, comments, any feedback Leanna at
not Therapyshow dot com. Not therapyshow dot com is the
website at Not Therapy Show is the is a social
media when we come back on Superman and kindness. This
episode of It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Stream us live at SAGA nine six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
It's Not Therapy. I'm still Leana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. I left plenty of time for the last segment.
(35:00):
This time, I'm always happy when I do it. It
makes up for all the times that I run way
long and then here I'm yeah, I'm giving myself credit.
I'm being kind in myself. So yeah, I talked about,
you know, actively being kindness instead of just the kindness
of you know, pulling a punch, of not taking that shot,
of you know, not engaging in pettiness and cruelty. But
(35:23):
what's some actively kind things we can do. I hear
from a lot of people that the kindest thing a
lot of people can do is kind of what Superman
did in those early stories where he didn't just go
(35:44):
in and solve a problem. He gave regular people the
frameworks to solve their own problems. And I hear from
a lot of people, especially men, that they say they
know they're friends are supportive, but they end up not
feeling validated because their friends jump to solve their problems
(36:08):
or give advice instead of listening and connecting with the feelings.
And that is a really simple thing that you can
do that is a real act of kindness. Hear me out.
It takes time to slow down and really listen and
(36:29):
not get that dopamine hit from being useful right, step back,
slow down, and go okay if I understand this is
what you're going through. The person says yes, okay, And
in your position, I would probably feel angry and scared,
(36:49):
and the person will probably go yeah, yeah, but also
you know some other thing also sad, or they'll go no,
I'm I'm not angry per se, I more feel helpless.
And make sure you go all right, yeah that I
see that. Do you want to talk about it? And
(37:12):
sometimes people will say no. Sometimes they will say I
don't know, I'm not sure I want to get into it,
and that's okay. You don't have to push them. Just
let them know that you're you're there if they do
want to talk about it, when they want to talk
about it, but also, you know, give them a specific
(37:36):
affirmation of like, I think you're a really good person.
You know, it doesn't take a lot to actively affirm
someone that way, and yet oddly we don't do it
enough because we feel ridiculous if we say those things
(37:58):
and don't get it reciprocately, especially if we're not great
at taking price, and we all have compliments that we
prefer more than others. I I'm an odd one, because
to me, the greatest compliment somebody can give me is
really listen to me and engage with my ideas. Superficial,
(38:23):
you're this. I have learned that most people are not
consistent with that stuff. So I can be great one
minute and the worst person in the world the next.
But if someone really engages with a concept I bring forward,
that doesn't go away no matter you know, whether they
(38:45):
depedestal me in the next moment and suddenly think I'm
the worst person in the world when they didn't think
that three days ago. And that's another thing you can
watch in your own behavior, that black or white thinking.
That's splitting. If you have a tendency to get very
(39:05):
defensive and go from this person so great to this
person's horrible based on one disagreement or a rapid series
of disagreements, that's not only not being kind to that person.
They didn't change overnight, or they didn't change in that
moment in a blink. Assume there's a misunderstanding there and
(39:31):
be the one to step back and go, all right, look,
I think something's gone off the rails. It's nobody's faults.
Let's just take a break and try this again. Now also,
if somebody attempts that with you, please accept the olive branch.
I I had this situation lately where a guy I'm
(39:57):
not sure what his game actually was, but he came
up with this big dramatic opening about you know something
that I mean, the guy was really disrespectful back in
the day, but he says, I understand now how much
I hurt you, and I don't want that. And it
(40:19):
was all about my feelings and nothing about his behavior.
And I told him that was the problem, and he
came back and said, I was vulnerable and you turned
it into a knife and stabbed to be with it.
And I'm like, if this is this guy's idea of vulnerability,
I think we see where the problem is, because focusing
(40:42):
on my feelings is not another person being vulnerable, and
going all the way back to the beginning of this
kindness is vulnerable. Even something as simple as buying someone
a coffee right say you go and they're like, oh,
(41:03):
you got the order wrong. I don't take it double double.
I take it black. Um, some people are better at
it than others, you know. I go, oh, I take
it black, but I actually can't drink dairy. But I
really appreciate the gesture. At least that's something, But you
can't control the response from someone else. Someone can be
(41:25):
not very kind in response to your kindness and you
can't do anything about that. That's why kindness is vulnerable,
and that hurts, doesn't it right, It kind of deflates
your bubble. The whole idea of kindness as somebody going,
oh great, you know, brighten their day, and that doesn't
always work. Similarly, sometimes saying no is the kindest thing
(41:51):
you can do. You know, if somebody has repeatedly stepped
on the same rake in your life in their lives,
you have to sit and really have a think about
whether you are being kind to them by helping them
out yet again, or whether you are enabling them. If
(42:15):
someone is addicted to drugs, helping them score their next
fix is not kind. If someone is a recovering alcoholic,
holding every event at a bar is not necessarily kind,
unless they're one of those recovering alcoholics that likes pub
culture and is fine drinking club soda. They like the
(42:36):
ambience of the bar, they just don't consume alcohol. Everybody's
different in their recovery, but kindness does involve a certain
amount of consideration. That way, it's not kind to continually
help people hurt themselves. And this is a very chatting
(42:59):
thing when dealing with someone with a serious mental health condition.
Some of the things that you know, therapists tell you, oh,
you have to do this, you know, setting boundaries, even
the term can be triggering for some people. It is
for me, even though I use it, because I have
(43:20):
so many experiences of setting boundaries and people just losing
their minds. And it's hard. It's hard, it's scary, but
all the more reason to do it, because if a
(43:42):
person doesn't get any better with that, then that person
might not be healthy for you. You cannot truly be
kind to other people unless you are kind to yourself.
And again it's a loop. It's very hard to be
(44:04):
kind to yourself when you are surrounded by unkind people.
And so again it's a cycle. Being kind to others
informs us being kind to ourselves. Being around people who
are also kind encourages kindness as well. Kindness is momentum.
(44:27):
And if you're listening to this, going well, I'm always
the one doing nobody does for me. A couple things
might be happening there when you're not accepting how I've
been bad for that in the past. Two people don't
know how to help you. You may outwardly seem to
(44:49):
have it two together, or you know, you don't really
talk about your goals or talk about you'd like to
get or talk about what you might need help with.
I mean, they could ask, but you know, or it
(45:09):
just could be you're surrounded by some clueless and or
selfish people, or somebody has a different kindness style. And
that's why listening is so important to it, because you know,
if someone's constantly getting these little gifts. I talked about
this in past episodes. If someone's constantly getting these little
(45:31):
gifts and you're trying to get away from get rid
of stuff, that's not gonna feel terribly helpful, is it?
They mean well, but they miss the mark. Check to
see whether you're doing the same thing as well. I
tend to ask, you know, if I do little nicknames
for somebody, I'll ask them do you mind that name?
(45:53):
They'll usually say no, I like it. But asking often
means the world asking hey, checking in, you know, doing
little tune ups on relationships, asking is there anything that
you know I could be doing better? Is there any
way I can help, especially if someone's struggling. You know,
(46:17):
sometimes it's better if you think you can help someone
out of a bad spot, ask them before you do it.
Would this help? Because when someone is really struggling, control
is a really major lever and when people start doing
stuff well meaning as it is, it can contribute to
(46:41):
a greater sense that the person is out of control,
not a greater sense that they are in control. And
with things like trauma, with things like grief, with things
like loss, control is a very very significant thing. Hence
Superman wherever possible, encouraging people to help themselves going through
(47:04):
the system, you know, sending that domestic abuser to jail
instead of just beating them up. Because you know, if
if some guy's you know, beaten up, say his boyfriend,
or let's say, let's say a woman's beating up their boyfriend,
the woman getting beat up by another guy, that's gonna
(47:25):
be a little emasculating for the dude that was getting
beat wasn't he right? There? We go? I tried to
use a non gender stereotyped example there. And if this
makes it seem like kindness is complicated, yeah it is.
That's why it's worthwhile communicate, Listen, listen twice before you
talk once. It really is the key to kindness. And
(47:48):
don't be afraid that if you give a little, you
have to give everything you don't. That's why Superman has
the Clark Kent secret identity. Sometimes he can turn off
being Superman and just be a regular guy. That's my time. Questions, comments,
concerns Leanna Atntherapyshow dot com. Not Therapyshow dot com is
(48:09):
the website at not Therapy Show with social media. I'm
gonna see Superman. I'll tell you what I think Next time.
You're crazy is only a problem if it's hurting you.
See you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot CA.
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello, listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is this not therapy. I'm Leanna Kerzner, and I am
(00:30):
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
the madness of mental health using my top ten things
for going good crazy. This week, we're gonna talk about kindness,
which is apparently the theme of the Superman movie that
releases this weekend. And I'm very very excited about the
Superman movie that releases this weekend. So we're going to
talk about something involving Superman. Yeah, awesome this week? Okay, kindness.
(00:54):
Kindness means different things to different people. Handy Dandy AI
algorithms refer to it is being friendly, generous, and considerate
to Superman. Kindness is embedded in truth, justice, and a
hope of a better tomorrow. If you can do something
good do it in this transactional materialist age where doing
(01:17):
the right thing apparently converts to social media bullying. That
was sarcasm. Kindness is a hard sell. Now. If anybody
can make this movie stick, it's James Gunn. But you know,
hard sell. People avoid being kind because they believe it
leads to them being taken advantage of. But I see
(01:40):
this as something of an excuse. If you're doing something
nice and not expecting anything in return, how can you
to be taken advantage of? Reciprocated kindness is nice, but
not essential to you being kind yourself. Being kind does
not inherently make you a doormat. You're not kind to
(02:00):
others because of what it says about that other person.
You're kind because of what it says about you. But
true kindness is a challenge, especially when it's defined as
you know, truth, justice, and the hope for a better tomorrow.
But I think that this definition of kindness actually works
(02:22):
really well, hence me dedicating a whole show to it.
Sometimes the truth will seem mean. That doesn't mean you
lie to be kind. You just find the kindest thing
that's still true. Sometimes justice means consequences, but consequences don't
have to be actively cruel and hope. Hope's a tough
(02:48):
one because sometimes it seems like hope is just well
being cruel to yourself. A Hope's a challenging concept that
interweaves a lot of other things, which is why I
find Superman's style of kindness so fascinating, and I do
believe it's achievable because it, you know, comes with the
(03:13):
caveat that sometimes, no matter how nice you are, it
comes time to punch someone in the face superfoundly deserves it.
How do you, Superman, punch people with kindness? Right? That's
sort of a metaphor for me for being kind doesn't
mean having no boundaries. In fact, boundaries are essential for
true kindness. Cruelty is way easier than kindness in the
(03:38):
short term until you start practicing kindness, because you realize
long term, if you practice kindness, you're happier, you have
fewer regrets because you know, kindness isn't isn't just isn't
about how you treat other people. Kindness is also about
(03:59):
how you treat yourself. Superman is delightfully old school when
it comes to where his kindness comes from. He grew
up in a stable home where his parents taught him
the value of being good to people. They didn't teach
him to hate people who are different, which I suppose
is what you get when a couple of Jewish boys
in Cleveland whose parents were Eastern European immigrants, got inspired
(04:21):
by Zorro and John Carter of Mars and imagined up
a story about a guy from Kansas. Okay, before you
get av I know Canadians. Joe Schuster lived in Toronto
until he was around nine, but he met Jerry Siegel
in Cleveland. I hear far too frequently this excuse it's
easy to be kind when you're super strong and can fly,
(04:41):
And I don't agree. A huge part of Superman's appeal
is his judicious use of his powers and choosing to
work for a living when he could just you know,
for instance, Rob Banks with his heat vision and be rich.
And if you look at a lot of the very
powerful men there these days, they're not exactly Superman paragons
(05:04):
of good behavior. Money and power don't make it easier
to be kind, They make it easier to be more
open about your true nature. The rich and powerful people
who screw over everyone you know, they believe that's just
the way of the world, Doggie dog and all that.
Whereas kind people believe that looking over your shoulder all
(05:27):
of the time is just too exhausting, So treat people
decently and associate with people who do the same. Some
people snicker at that last part, and that to me
is a red flag. People will attack me if I
let them. Is a powerful story to tell yourself. It
begs the question which people and if so, why are
(05:51):
they in your life? Is it work? Is it home?
If it's home, yikes? If it's work, ABC, what else
is out there? You don't have to quit today. Just
see if there's a healthier corporate environment you can move towards.
Not every company is that bad. People who think in
(06:12):
the people will attack me if I let them way
tend to be profoundly unkind to themselves, and this self
unkindness leads to unhealthy habits. So this is why we're
going to talk about how Superman can inspire us to
be kinder, which is what James Gunn says is hope
for the movies are and I wish him the best.
Do you have a story you think would be good
(06:34):
for the show. Are you interested in sponsoring the show
Leanna atnthapyshow dot com. Not therapyshow dot com is the
website at not therapy on social media. Back after this
and it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Stream us live at SAGA nine am.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose me health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still in a cursoner. I'm still
not a therapist. We're still talking about kindness the Superman
(07:17):
way because the movie is an excuse to talk about it.
I real lexing man. Okay. The first way we can
have Superman inspire us to be kind is adapting a
mentality of fortitude. You don't have to lash out at
everything because the proverbial bullets or lightning or whatever. You know,
(07:38):
if you're doing a Superman they just bounce off of you.
Will you say itickles, That is what fortitude is. And
sure kryptonite can come along. We all have things that
are our kryptonite. But Superman knows everything is not kryptonite,
otherwise he wouldn't leave the house. Superman doesn't spend all
his time thinking about how he's an alien so everyone
(08:00):
will hate him if they find out. Yes, he has
a secret identity sometimes, but he still pursues the woman
he's taken with, even though she doesn't really appreciate him
at first, an element of Superman's story that is increasingly
downplayed by having them already married in modern stories like
The Superman and Lowis Show, which I also highly recommend.
Clark Kent is kind to himself throughout his various setbacks
(08:23):
and rejections, and the fact that even Superman gets rejected
wasn't an accident. The guys who created him were sci
fi nerds. He understands that people who misinterpret him and
reject him don't define him. He's not gonna get bitter
because of them. Okay, obviously this excludes whatever the heck
that was that Zack Snyder did with Superman. It's too
(08:47):
bad Henry Cavill never got a decent script. Speaking of scripts,
early Superman stories from Action Comics number one onward had
Superman describing himself as the champion of the oppressed, the
physical marvel that had swarned to vote his existence to
helping those in need. In the very first issue, Superman
saved a falsely accused woman from death row, not by
(09:10):
busting her out of prison, but by persuading the governor
to pardon her. He also stopped a wife beating and
prevented the corruption of a senator by focusing on the
forces of corruption, not the poor character of the senator himself.
It was President Roosevelt's New Deal America when caring unkindness
(09:31):
were trendy. Superman didn't just fight the big fights. He
encouraged people to see how small acts of truth and
justice could be the American way. Of course, now all
of that is just mist just woke, but I really
believe that's the thinking of people who have lost hope
for a better tomorrow. Besides the truly woke people believe
(09:54):
Clark can't be relevant as a character because he's a white, straight,
cisgender man, except for the fact that his son is
bisexual and involved to the guy, who, of course is
an underground journalist and activist who was inspired by Lewis Lane.
Of course, John Kent Clarkson save does eventual boyfriend from
a school shooter, thus compromising a secret identity, and you're
(10:14):
allowed to roll your eyes. It's a bit on the nose,
and that was a really deep dive into modern Superman comics.
But so what, you don't have to like a story
personally to recognize the school shootings are straight up scary,
and it's okay to imagine a hero like Superman Junior
saving you from it while flying the Pride Flag. It
(10:35):
may seem out of touch to the stories we remember,
but it's not out of touch for Superman's hope for
a better tomorrow quality of writing aside, that's subjective, right,
but that kindness that Superman is trying to bring back
(10:56):
via James Gunn, this is where we run up a
against the way people handle problems, identify problems instead of
solving them. Right now, people these days get lost bickering
over systems of oppression and gender ideology, and it all
misses the point that Superman doesn't ask about someone's politics
(11:17):
before he saves them. So what if you think someone
is woke? Like really, so what if you think someone
hasn't checked their privilege? That's not a good reason to
be cruel to them. No, really, it's not, you know,
simply for the fact that if you're wrong, you're making
(11:38):
an unnecessary enemy. And again, kindness isn't what it says
about the other person, it's what it says about you.
The truth is, in broad strokes, the middle class of
today has it much better than the middle class of
Segul and Schuster's time when they debuted Superman. Depression and
(12:00):
back then was an economic problem, not a mental health
one in popular parlance. In fact, early Siegel and Schuster
sample comic strips were drawn on brown wrapping paper and
the backside of wallpaper that Joe Schuster had brought with
him from Toronto, because affording proper paper was out of
the question. The positive feedback from National Allied publications, along
(12:24):
with the request to submit the stories in pen and
ink on good paper, finally convinced Joe Schuster's parents to
loan him the money to buy the good paper. Now,
I'm not saying this to make people feel bad or
suggest they don't have any problems in that parking Madder
kind of way, but checking our own privilege regarding the
(12:46):
fact that we live in a time where that sort
of poverty is far rarer, can encourage us to be kinder.
And I mean that's happened in my lifetime. I spent
all of sixth grade drawing red margins on lined s
leave paper, you know, with a pen and ruler, because
my mother couldn't afford the paper with the red margins
already drawn on them. She was bringing home paper with
(13:08):
no margin from work. But I got in trouble at
school if I didn't have the right paper with the
red margin on it. So red pen and ruler. It
was every night and morning. To this day, my mother
refuses to admit that maybe we were kind of poor.
These experiences, like Krypton blowing up or getting rejected by
(13:29):
your own Lois Lane, can make you bitter, or it
can inspire you to kindness by realizing that most people
probably have setbacks of this kind or another as well.
Clark Kent's job as a journalist allowed him to be
tipped off about instances of injustice, but there was also
a theme of bravery of regular people in those early stories.
(13:53):
You know, okay, it might be a bit like, well,
this is intense when Superman encourages an orphan boy to
not run away from the orphanage because it was more
important to stand up for what's right than run away.
You know, of course this didn't involve the kids, you know,
canceling the owner of the orphanage on social media or
beating the owner to death. It meant turning the owner
(14:16):
over to the police. Superman never kept windfalls of cash
to himself. He put them back into the community. In
one story, he even tore down slums to make way
for new government housing, though what the people who lived
in those slums did during the construction period was something
you didn't think too hard about. The point was doing
(14:36):
the right thing involved action, not just screaming at each
other and name calling. Superman's kindness was rooted in the
concept of enough long before Ken popularized it again. But
he also believed in the goodness of most other people
and trust in the system because at the time of
his creation, people generally thought the govern was there to
(15:01):
help them. We don't live in those times now. Well, okay,
we're luckier in Canada than most places right now, and
I try to remember that and be kind to the
people in places like the US who have to deal
with you know, leaders who are more like Lex Luthor
mixed with Bizarro than Superman. And if you followed Mark
Carney's visit to the Calgary Stampede, you'll note that he
(15:23):
took Alberta Premier Danielle Smith's playful kind of jabs and
stride and just flat out ignored Pierre Poulievre's attempts to
turn a mishap flipping pancakes into a policy flip flop
talking point. Polieva really needs to learn to let things
bounce off him a little better. His thin skin isn't
(15:44):
well suited for the modern nostalgic hero era that's coming
in Fantastic four after Superman. I can't wait. I don't
want to be clear. That's not a job at Poalieva's
conservative politics. It's because of his personal lack of kindness.
This is about the man, not the policy. You know,
jug meet Singh, who you know, left wing, no better
(16:05):
in the kindness department. When it came to dealing with
people he politically disagreed with, he went over the line
a lot. I really believe, and I thought this after
I watched the one debate we got before the elections.
If he'd channeled more Superman and was less of a
(16:25):
merk with a mouth with the debate moderator, the NDP
may have done better in that election. Because Deadpool is great,
but not as any sort of leader in fairness to
you know, the two last gen politicians I just called
out Superman style behavior wasn't cool when they got the leaderships.
(16:47):
So our kindness muscles have gotten atrophied, and I think
Carney's old school vibe is an opportunity to kind of
get the old school kindness back. Where do we begin
to do that? We'll talk about that after the break.
Question comments concerns Leanna at not therapyshow dot com. Not
(17:08):
therapyshow dot com is the website at not therapy show
on social media. Back at us not therapy talking Superman
and Kindness How you can let the bullets bounce off
you too, And it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in.
It's not therapy. I'm still Leana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. We're still talking about Superman and kindness, and
(17:51):
I love that we can openly talk about this again.
After years of dismissing Superman as a blue boy scout,
kindness just wasn't cool for decades. Look at the popular
sitcoms right the Big Bang theory. A large portion of
those jokes they were downright mean. They were just people
(18:13):
saying nasty things to each other that were supposedly funny,
and the cast of friends weren't really great friends. Meanwhile,
premium cable became the go to place for shows about
terrible people being terrible. Because of all of this hyper
competitive schooling, a merciless workforce, transactional personal relationships, we're collectively
(18:39):
out of practice regarding kindness. So what do we do
about that? I turned to my top ten phrases. You know,
be the hero of your own story and not anyone else's.
Don't let problems that aren't your fault lead to mistakes
that are, And listen twice before you talk once. Also,
other people don't have to like your boundaries, but they
(19:01):
do have to respect them. Well hold up. None of
those have anything to do kindness fair, not directly, but
they do create a strong foundation from which sincere kindness
can spring. Like Superman's bulletproof chest. The vulnerability inherent in kindness.
The thing that people avoid is exactly what makes it
(19:24):
good and rewarding and fulfilling and self validating and healthy.
And it's exactly the thing that makes it hard. And
that's why kindness thrives on boundaries. And boundaries make kindness
so much easier. You don't have to be a human
wishing well the minute you decide to be kinder. If
(19:48):
you say no to something after you've said yes to
a bunch of other things, and someone doesn't accept the no,
that is them problem. It doesn't have to be a
you problem. Me saying. Other people don't have to like
your boundaries, but they do have to respect them. Only
be as kind as you want to be, not as
kind as others demand you be. And you know, if
(20:11):
you feel like somebody's taking you for granted, be kind
to yourself and set some boundaries. It's important to have
those boundaries because you have to balance kindness with a
hero complex. And yeah, I've just been talking about Superman,
(20:31):
but you know that's where be the hero of your
own story and not anyone else's comes from. Everybody gets
to be their own superhero. Superman's kind heroism is based
on his core values. His actions are an extension of
(20:51):
those core values truth, justice, and hope for a better tomorrow.
He's not helping people for personal gain, and like I
said before the last break, he encourages regular people to
be the hero of their own stories. Whenever possible. He
encourages people to solve their own problems, not just have
(21:13):
him swoop in and solve them for them. And that's
important because kindness should never be part of an attempt
to control the actions of others. When you're trying to
control people through actions you think are kind, well, you're
letting problems that aren't your fault lead to mistakes that
are An ongoing theme in Superman stories is that Superman
(21:38):
can't solve all the world's problems. He can only make
the parts of it he interacts with somewhat better. That's
a very important thing to keep in mind when trying
to be kinder. You can't force change in other people.
You can only set a good example. You can nudget
(22:00):
you know, and the final point that I brought up
might be the most significant. Listen twice before you talk once.
Listen twice before you talk once. My goodness that needs
to come back. Superman has superheroing for a reason. All right,
If you fly into action fixing a problem you don't
(22:21):
really understand, you might not actually be helping. You're not
being kind there, if you're causing more trouble for other people.
You may mean well, but kindness only translates if it,
you know, actually helps people. Now, not everyone appreciates that help,
you know, often not right away, and tough love is
(22:44):
a thing, But the point stands. That's why your kindness
has to be rooted in something like truth, justice, hope
for the better tomorrow, like community, like integrity. You have
to figure out when kindness stops being kindness and starts
being well people pleasing, an attempt to control, manipulation, any
(23:08):
of those things, right, And that's all about motivation. That's
all work you do inside you. And this, you know,
leads us to another top ten phrase, healthy kindness. Goals
are based on things you can control. Sounds kind of obvious,
but is it, you know, True kindness springs from a
(23:32):
solid sense of self, an ability to self soothe, regulate emotions,
and handle disappointments. You have to be prepared to hear
you know, thanks but no thanks. I understand you're trying,
but this actually isn't helping me. And this is something
that Superman comes up with a lot in the comics
(23:54):
that I remember, this great one where Talia I'll Go
calls him. This was when she was running Lex Luthor's
companies and she wanted to expose some Luther Corp. Shenanigans,
and so she called Clark Kent, and Superman went, this
is a job for Superman and went in and you know,
fixed all the problems and beat up all the bad guys.
(24:17):
But what Tally I really wanted was for Clark Kent,
the reporter, to show up and expose the story. And
I thought that was such a wonderful cautionary tale that
sometimes it's a job for Clark Kent, not a job
for Superman. And if he'd just taken in a little
(24:40):
more information before he got going, maybe he'd have seen
that good intentions matter. They're not the only thing that matters.
The best way to show that your intentions are good
is to be able to handle when you hear that
(25:02):
something isn't landing the way you intended, or that you're
you know, you're actually creating more of an issue then
you're solving for the other person or the other person
just wants to solve the problem themselves. This is a
really common breakdown in relationships, and a lot of well
(25:25):
men and women want to be useful, but there's a
particular kind of usefulness in men that you know it's
well intentioned, but can lead to issues in a relationship
because they're trying to help but they're not. And then
men get rejected, and then they pull back, and then
they don't do the things they're asked to do because
(25:48):
they're carrying around resentment and bitterness. And remember I said
that that that can happen if you don't develop that resilience.
It's a huge part of Superman that people reject because
they think is impossible. Is that hope? Is that belief
(26:11):
that things will work out? Is that ability to suffer setbacks,
learn from them, go out and try again. And the
movie's emphasis on you know, feats of strength and spectacular
visuals don't really get into that as much as the
(26:32):
really well written comics have. The Superman and Lowest Show
Again definitely explored that it's a really good show again
check it out. But kindness again isn't easy. Kindness involves
constantly checking in, looping back around reassessing seeing if things
(26:55):
actually are moving in the right direction. And that's the
part that is too hard for people because you're coming
into it with a you know, perspective of upward social comparisons,
bitterness and resentment, and that's classically lacks Luthor's motivations, not Superman.
(27:20):
To invoke a cliche, kindness involves the ability to let
things go, not everything. But you can't absorb every slight
and hold on to it and wait for your moment
to enact revenge because you know, sometimes so much time
(27:43):
passes and you're so in your own head twisted by
this sense that someone's done you wrong, that the other
person doesn't know exactly what you're on about, is very
confused and doesn't even remember the event that you're really
(28:08):
really upset about. And unfortunately, no real motivation can motivation, sorry,
resolution can come from that, because well, if the person
doesn't remember what happened, all they can do is completely
(28:28):
capitulate to your version of events, which most people won't do.
That expectation isn't kind, and this is where we get
back into being kind to yourself. Often people hold grudges
because they are intensely tough on themselves. They don't just
(28:51):
set high standards for themselves, they're brutal on themselves when
they don't meet those standards. If you take the worst
person you see on the internet, the most abusive, invective spewing,
unfair word twisting troll out there, I can almost guarantee you,
(29:20):
based on personal experience, that the way they're talking to
people on the Internet is the way they talk to
themselves in real life in their own head. Now, imagine
what a terrible place that is. Right Because you can
block them, you can sign you can log off, they can't.
(29:44):
That's a running dialogue in their head. And when you
recognize that, it's much easier to maybe not be actively
kind to them, but be neutral, or at least realize
that maybe engaging with this person, continuing to feed this beast,
(30:08):
fighting with them, as as fun as it may seem
at first, it's just driving the knives into that person deeper.
And I you know, I give James Gunn a lot
of credit when he talks about kind of toxic online environments.
He says, you know, I'm as guilty of it as
anybody I have personally, me not James Gunn anymore. I
(30:31):
have stopped engaging in social media as much. You know,
we do cute cat videos because it's just putting happy
and cute out there. And you know, pounding the table
to stand up for issues, the endless treadmill of you know,
(30:55):
speaking out and standing up and fighting. It wasn't doing
any good. In some cases it was you know, the
tactics were taking causes I cared about in the wrong direction,
and it wasn't good for me either, because I ended
up just staring into the abyss too long and going,
(31:17):
how are people like this all the time? And kindness
is a loop. Some of us do well being kind
to others to encourage us to be kind to ourselves,
but also we have to be kind to ourselves to
(31:41):
be kind to others. It's very hard to have one
without the other. Because think about it, if you're not
kind to yourself, the stuff you're doing to please other people,
is it really kindness or is it trying to make
them like you? So screaming in your head stop because
maybe you'll get some external validation. And then the external
(32:05):
validation doesn't exactly feel so great, does it, because you
find every reason to dismiss it as not being true
or Oh, they're just being nice. Never understood that they're
just being nice? Are they being honestly nice? Are they
being dishonestly nice? What does that phrase even mean? It
(32:26):
basically means, oh, they don't really mean it, or it's
superficial and shallow, and yeah, let's not do that anymore.
Let's not be nice to that person's face and then
cut them up behind their back. That's not kind. Let's
check our punches. Let's not judge a person's entire character
(32:48):
by one opinion they have on social media, Like, let's
just not do that. People are very complex. People are
not bad people through and through. If they disagree with
you on one issue, in fact, they may not even
really disagree with you. They just explain themselves in a
different way. Or they may agree on the outcome we
(33:09):
have to get, just disagree on the way to go
about it. There is a big spectrum of possibilities between agree. Therefore,
a good person probably not disagree, bad person probably not.
(33:30):
Being a good person isn't just having the right opinions.
Being a good person is stepping up and doing the
hard things when it matters and there's no reward for it.
And again that requires fortitude that requires an internal resilience.
But I've talked a lot about what not to do
because it's cruel. What do we do? What are some
(33:53):
ways of actively being kind, involving truth, justice and a
hope for the better tomorrow, that kind of Superman. When
we can't fly, we don't have ice, bread, we don't
have heat vision, you know, we can't leave tall buildings
in a single back found and you know fly fast
and lot komotive loo kmotoves don't fly. I'll get to
(34:13):
that after the break. Questions, comments, any feedback Leanna at
not Therapyshow dot com. Not therapyshow dot com is the
website at Not Therapy Show is the is a social
media when we come back on Superman and kindness. This
episode of It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Stream us live at SAGA nine six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
It's Not Therapy. I'm still Leana Kursner. I'm still not
a therapist. I left plenty of time for the last segment.
(35:00):
This time, I'm always happy when I do it. It
makes up for all the times that I run way
long and then here I'm yeah, I'm giving myself credit.
I'm being kind in myself. So yeah, I talked about,
you know, actively being kindness instead of just the kindness
of you know, pulling a punch, of not taking that shot,
of you know, not engaging in pettiness and cruelty. But
(35:23):
what's some actively kind things we can do. I hear
from a lot of people that the kindest thing a
lot of people can do is kind of what Superman
did in those early stories where he didn't just go
(35:44):
in and solve a problem. He gave regular people the
frameworks to solve their own problems. And I hear from
a lot of people, especially men, that they say they
know they're friends are supportive, but they end up not
feeling validated because their friends jump to solve their problems
(36:08):
or give advice instead of listening and connecting with the feelings.
And that is a really simple thing that you can
do that is a real act of kindness. Hear me out.
It takes time to slow down and really listen and
(36:29):
not get that dopamine hit from being useful right, step back,
slow down, and go okay if I understand this is
what you're going through. The person says yes, okay, And
in your position, I would probably feel angry and scared,
(36:49):
and the person will probably go yeah, yeah, but also
you know some other thing also sad, or they'll go no,
I'm I'm not angry per se, I more feel helpless.
And make sure you go all right, yeah that I
see that. Do you want to talk about it? And
(37:12):
sometimes people will say no. Sometimes they will say I
don't know, I'm not sure I want to get into it,
and that's okay. You don't have to push them. Just
let them know that you're you're there if they do
want to talk about it, when they want to talk
about it, but also, you know, give them a specific
(37:36):
affirmation of like, I think you're a really good person.
You know, it doesn't take a lot to actively affirm
someone that way, and yet oddly we don't do it
enough because we feel ridiculous if we say those things
(37:58):
and don't get it reciprocately, especially if we're not great
at taking price, and we all have compliments that we
prefer more than others. I I'm an odd one, because
to me, the greatest compliment somebody can give me is
really listen to me and engage with my ideas. Superficial,
(38:23):
you're this. I have learned that most people are not
consistent with that stuff. So I can be great one
minute and the worst person in the world the next.
But if someone really engages with a concept I bring forward,
that doesn't go away no matter you know, whether they
(38:45):
depedestal me in the next moment and suddenly think I'm
the worst person in the world when they didn't think
that three days ago. And that's another thing you can
watch in your own behavior, that black or white thinking.
That's splitting. If you have a tendency to get very
(39:05):
defensive and go from this person so great to this
person's horrible based on one disagreement or a rapid series
of disagreements, that's not only not being kind to that person.
They didn't change overnight, or they didn't change in that
moment in a blink. Assume there's a misunderstanding there and
(39:31):
be the one to step back and go, all right, look,
I think something's gone off the rails. It's nobody's faults.
Let's just take a break and try this again. Now also,
if somebody attempts that with you, please accept the olive branch.
I I had this situation lately where a guy I'm
(39:57):
not sure what his game actually was, but he came
up with this big dramatic opening about you know something
that I mean, the guy was really disrespectful back in
the day, but he says, I understand now how much
I hurt you, and I don't want that. And it
(40:19):
was all about my feelings and nothing about his behavior.
And I told him that was the problem, and he
came back and said, I was vulnerable and you turned
it into a knife and stabbed to be with it.
And I'm like, if this is this guy's idea of vulnerability,
I think we see where the problem is, because focusing
(40:42):
on my feelings is not another person being vulnerable, and
going all the way back to the beginning of this
kindness is vulnerable. Even something as simple as buying someone
a coffee right say you go and they're like, oh,
(41:03):
you got the order wrong. I don't take it double double.
I take it black. Um, some people are better at
it than others, you know. I go, oh, I take
it black, but I actually can't drink dairy. But I
really appreciate the gesture. At least that's something, But you
can't control the response from someone else. Someone can be
(41:25):
not very kind in response to your kindness and you
can't do anything about that. That's why kindness is vulnerable,
and that hurts, doesn't it right, It kind of deflates
your bubble. The whole idea of kindness as somebody going,
oh great, you know, brighten their day, and that doesn't
always work. Similarly, sometimes saying no is the kindest thing
(41:51):
you can do. You know, if somebody has repeatedly stepped
on the same rake in your life in their lives,
you have to sit and really have a think about
whether you are being kind to them by helping them
out yet again, or whether you are enabling them. If
(42:15):
someone is addicted to drugs, helping them score their next
fix is not kind. If someone is a recovering alcoholic,
holding every event at a bar is not necessarily kind,
unless they're one of those recovering alcoholics that likes pub
culture and is fine drinking club soda. They like the
(42:36):
ambience of the bar, they just don't consume alcohol. Everybody's
different in their recovery, but kindness does involve a certain
amount of consideration. That way, it's not kind to continually
help people hurt themselves. And this is a very chatting
(42:59):
thing when dealing with someone with a serious mental health condition.
Some of the things that you know, therapists tell you, oh,
you have to do this, you know, setting boundaries, even
the term can be triggering for some people. It is
for me, even though I use it, because I have
(43:20):
so many experiences of setting boundaries and people just losing
their minds. And it's hard. It's hard, it's scary, but
all the more reason to do it, because if a
(43:42):
person doesn't get any better with that, then that person
might not be healthy for you. You cannot truly be
kind to other people unless you are kind to yourself.
And again it's a loop. It's very hard to be
(44:04):
kind to yourself when you are surrounded by unkind people.
And so again it's a cycle. Being kind to others
informs us being kind to ourselves. Being around people who
are also kind encourages kindness as well. Kindness is momentum.
(44:27):
And if you're listening to this, going well, I'm always
the one doing nobody does for me. A couple things
might be happening there when you're not accepting how I've
been bad for that in the past. Two people don't
know how to help you. You may outwardly seem to
(44:49):
have it two together, or you know, you don't really
talk about your goals or talk about you'd like to
get or talk about what you might need help with.
I mean, they could ask, but you know, or it
(45:09):
just could be you're surrounded by some clueless and or
selfish people, or somebody has a different kindness style. And
that's why listening is so important to it, because you know,
if someone's constantly getting these little gifts. I talked about
this in past episodes. If someone's constantly getting these little
(45:31):
gifts and you're trying to get away from get rid
of stuff, that's not gonna feel terribly helpful, is it?
They mean well, but they miss the mark. Check to
see whether you're doing the same thing as well. I
tend to ask, you know, if I do little nicknames
for somebody, I'll ask them do you mind that name?
(45:53):
They'll usually say no, I like it. But asking often
means the world asking hey, checking in, you know, doing
little tune ups on relationships, asking is there anything that
you know I could be doing better? Is there any
way I can help, especially if someone's struggling. You know,
(46:17):
sometimes it's better if you think you can help someone
out of a bad spot, ask them before you do it.
Would this help? Because when someone is really struggling, control
is a really major lever and when people start doing
stuff well meaning as it is, it can contribute to
(46:41):
a greater sense that the person is out of control,
not a greater sense that they are in control. And
with things like trauma, with things like grief, with things
like loss, control is a very very significant thing. Hence
Superman wherever possible, encouraging people to help themselves going through
(47:04):
the system, you know, sending that domestic abuser to jail
instead of just beating them up. Because you know, if
if some guy's you know, beaten up, say his boyfriend,
or let's say, let's say a woman's beating up their boyfriend,
the woman getting beat up by another guy, that's gonna
(47:25):
be a little emasculating for the dude that was getting
beat wasn't he right? There? We go? I tried to
use a non gender stereotyped example there. And if this
makes it seem like kindness is complicated, yeah it is.
That's why it's worthwhile communicate, Listen, listen twice before you
talk once. It really is the key to kindness. And
(47:48):
don't be afraid that if you give a little, you
have to give everything you don't. That's why Superman has
the Clark Kent secret identity. Sometimes he can turn off
being Superman and just be a regular guy. That's my time. Questions, comments,
concerns Leanna Atntherapyshow dot com. Not Therapyshow dot com is
(48:09):
the website at not Therapy Show with social media. I'm
gonna see Superman. I'll tell you what I think Next time.
You're crazy is only a problem if it's hurting you.
See you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA ninety
six am dot CA.
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