August 14, 2025 • 48 mins
The term 'narcissist' gets tossed around a lot these days, most often improperly applied to any display of self-esteem. But narcissism isn't about having self-confidence; in fact, despite outward appearances, many narcissists suffer from low self-esteem. Liana helps identify what healthy self-confidence is, and isn't, and how to spot and deal with a narcissist.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is this not therapy. I'm Leanna Kersner and I am
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
(00:31):
the madness and mental health using my top ten sayings
for going good crazy. This week, we're talking about healthy
self esteem versus the dreaded narcissism, and this is gonna
be a bit of a complex one because my path
to understanding the difference wasn't a straight line. Self Esteem
is one of those concepts that our culture really messes up,
(00:53):
Like I'm messed up putting the s on concepts. There,
there we go. It demands that we have self esteem,
and yet it does absolutely everything possible to make sure
we don't because culture is made up of people, and
some of those people are terrible. In fact, our culture
is more inclined to teach us not self esteem but
(01:17):
a form of hyper competitive narcissistic hyper individualism. In Layman's terms,
that means we're tearing each other down more than we're
building each other up, and obviously that isn't good for anybody.
Self esteem, put simply, is how much you like and
value yourself. Narcissism is when someone has an unreasonably high
(01:39):
sense of their own importance, and this leads to an
unhealthy need for too much attention and admiration. To be clear,
narcissism isn't about having too much self esteem. That's something
a lot of people get wrong. In fact, narcissists tend
to have low self esteem and the need for attention, importance, admiration.
(02:05):
If you have healthy self esteem, those things are nice,
but seeking them doesn't dominate your life. If you have
healthy self esteem, you need good and fair treatment, but
you don't need special treatment like a narcissist does. Now,
I've been hearing lately from educator colleagues that students students
(02:27):
are trying to talk them into marks that these students
haven't earned. And these students say that if they don't
get these marks, and they won't pass the course. And
why is this the teacher's problem? Well, I don't know,
because the problem here isn't the teacher. The problem is
(02:47):
that these students haven't earned a passing grade. And passing
a course, you know, getting the credit is supposed to
mean that the student earned that credit. These students want
status they haven't earned. And this isn't a couple of people.
This is happening all over the place. You know. The
(03:09):
thing that these students who you don't want those extra
couple of marks so they can pass. What they you know,
may or may not understand is that getting even a
mark or two that they haven't earned is wanting special
treatment over the other students in the course that you know,
actually bothered to pass the old fashioned way. Now, these
(03:31):
colleagues who are educators agreed with me that giving these
students grades they hadn't earned wouldn't be the help these
students thought it would be, because these students would have
to live with the knowledge for the rest of their
lives that they didn't actually pass the course. Now, worst case,
you know, not worst case scenario, this would undermine their
(03:54):
self esteem and potentially lead to imposter syndrome. Worst case
scenario is that the students are showing signs of narcissism,
trying things, making mistakes, making corrections learning. That's how we
both build our self concept and our self worth. And
(04:14):
building self concept and self worth leads to healthy self esteem. Now,
self concept and self worth are two other concepts that
get thrown around without a common understanding. We've talked about
on the show before. But you know, we're up to
episode one hundred and thirty nine. Some of you may
have missed it. Let's go over it again. Self concept
is your answer to the question who am I. Self
(04:38):
worth is your opinion on whether the answer to the
question who am I? Is good or bad. These things
are formed through the interplay of your own beliefs and
the messages you get from others. It's a feedback loop,
it's a reinforcing spiral. Now, one of the things I
(04:59):
do with clients is work with them to determine what
behaviors they are willing to accept from others. Now, hear
me out, I'll explain what this is, and then while
I do it. For instance, a behavior they will accept
is hearing someone's opinion, just their opinion, not a fact
(05:20):
that something the client did was selfish. I'll note that
I said they'll accept it, not like it. Opinions are like,
you know, bums, everyone's got one, A lot of them stink.
What they will not accept is an opinion from someone
else that they are a selfish person. They won't accept
(05:43):
that because they're pretty certain it's not true. So if
someone insists on taking a conversation in that unacceptable direction
you're such a selfish person, then the client has the
right to end the conversation. And the fact that they're
willing to hear that they did a selfish thing in
that person's opinion, even though they don't like hearing that,
(06:07):
that gives the client the permission structure to reject statements
that attack their overall character because they're willing to hear
that somebody thought an isolated incident was the thing that
violated their values of being considerate. This is how I
work with clients to build self concept and self worth.
(06:29):
The self concept here is based on that core value
of consideration and conscientiousness. The boundaries that we set based
on this self concept allow the client to build that
all important sense of self worth. They're willing to hear
things they don't like that they still think all right,
fair game, So that shows them that proves to them.
(06:52):
They're still open to feedback, even bad feedback, but they're
also treating themselves with enough worth that they won't accept
sweeping negative statements about their entire character. Through these reinforcing exercises,
a client gradually builds a sense of good self worth
(07:12):
plus good self concept equals healthy self esteem. They like
remaining open to challenging comments while still setting limits on
how far someone can push. That's the sweet spot. You know,
feel a little bit of distress, a little stuff you
don't like, or a moderate amount, but not when it's
way over the lines. So you're knocking down that sand
(07:35):
castle of self worth and self concept. Right, These clients
discover they actually believe that they have the positive qualities
that we focus on reinforcing, and they like these things
about themselves while also feeling the sense of achievement that
comes with standing up for themselves when it really matters,
(07:55):
meaning when someone crosses a line. Now, in the short term,
this process can be well, we'll say a little bumpy,
because some of the people around the people I work
with are in the habit of making those sweeping generalizations
of character because they think that talking this way is normal. Accordingly,
(08:16):
they're going to be resistant to the idea that there's
anything wrong with these totally normal statements. Right, But it's
also normal to have lousy self esteem, which is why
I don't put much stock in normal. Where I'm going
from good crazy, Right, I've met so many people who
have given up on having healthy self esteem, and that
(08:39):
includes some therapists. Yes, scary as that is, these people
treated as something they only really have on the absolute
best of days. And you'll find a ton of content
online that revels in the misery of life, about how
women are mistreated or how men are disposable, about how
(08:59):
the world hates this or that group, and you know,
no joke inequalities exist. But the particular way that these
influencers present their case is wait for it, highly narcissistic.
The reason the misery porn is appealing to some people
because is because it makes them feel important and special.
(09:23):
It's that Simpson's meme, you know, with Principal Skinner. Am
I out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.
You know that one. I love that one. If you're
really worried about protecting your sons, from the influence of
entertain or you're worried that your daughter is going to
become some radical and article communist feminist wearing a kill
all men t shirt, then the best thing you can
(09:44):
do is help them get a healthy sense of self
by praising what they do right and what you value
about their character, as well as telling them the things
they do wrong without describing their entire person is something bad.
Don't call your kids ungrateful, don't call your kids spoiled,
(10:07):
don't call your kids difficult. They are being ungrateful, they
are being selfish at that moment. Don't define them by
their worst points. And some of people say, well, that
was my entire childhood. Obviously none of us were fortunate enough,
none of us, not all of us. There we go, Wow,
(10:29):
I can't talk tonight. Not all of us were fortunate
enough to have those sorts of parents that you know,
give the constructive criticism and the healthy praise. So what
do you do if you grew up having your character
negatively defined for you in the way I just described.
We'll get to that after the break. Do you have
(10:50):
a story you think would be good for the show.
Are you interested in sponsoring the show? Leanna at not
therapyshow dot com is my email. Not therapyshow dot com
is the web website at not therapy so on social
so not therapy show. Good God, it's gonna be a night.
We're talking self esteem, how to get it if you're
(11:10):
surrounded by narcissists, and it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
After this, no Radio, no Problem stream is live on
SAGA ninety six am dot CAA.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot ca. We're back
and it's not therapy. I'm still in a cursoner. I'm
still not a therapist. We're still talking about how to
(11:42):
develop healthy self esteem if you've been raised in a
narcissistic environment. And I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact
that it takes a lot of work. On the bride side,
the work actually isn't that awful once you get over
the initial fear that you yourself are being a narcissist
by thinking a few good things about yourself. Narcissists are
(12:07):
so quick to call other people narcissists and a bunch
of other things that are awful, since they assume everybody
must have the bad characteristics that they themselves have if
they even think it's bad, because to a narcissist, every
other person is an extension of their own reflection in
(12:27):
the mirror. Now, people who grow up around narcissists usually
have terrible self esteem because they're used to being told
they're a bunch of awful things whenever they displease the narcissist.
So first rule of building a solid self concept the
(12:47):
first step on the rate of good self esteem. Stop
calling yourself those awful things. Most of them are highly subjectives,
So no more calling yourself a loser because you've lost
things doesn't mean you're a loser. Individual instances not the
whole of your character, right, stuff like worthless and I'm useless,
(13:11):
I'm no good I'll never be good enough. Right yeah yeah, yeah,
No more of that either. Ah, it's not true. If
you're alive, you're worth something. You don't know what the
future holds. If there are people you care about, you're
probably being useful to someone. It can someone sometimes help
to ask people that you trust how you know you
(13:32):
enrich their lives. Tell them you're feeling kind of down
and you know you need a reality check. Now write down,
not what you think you're good at, write down what
values matter to you. What do you think makes up
(13:53):
a good person? Preferably three. If you can't settle on
only three, go for five. But they're the ones that
are the most important in your opinion. If you have
to choose between these values and others, these are your
first principles, your prime motivators. Right, if you're a Star
Trek fan, you're prime directive. Now mine are integrity, compassion,
(14:17):
and conscientiousness. Now ask yourself if you are living in
accordance with these values that you've written down to a
reasonable degree. Emphasis on reasonable degree, not based on a
standard of perfection, just based on what you'd expect from
a friend, basically what you expect from anyone. But you right,
(14:41):
if the answer to am I living in accordance with
this value to a reasonable degree? That I would you
know the BENCHMARKO had set for a friend. If the
answer is yes, good keep at it. The answer is no,
what do you need to change about how you're living
your life? Now? Now, if you live with a narcissist,
(15:02):
or you just got away from a narcissist. There are
going to have been times where they manipulated or coerced
you into doing things that were against your values. They
may still be doing it, and you may have gotten
into the habit of creating explanations for these lapses. In
living in accordance with your values as an understandable coping mechanism,
(15:27):
you might have felt like you had no choice, you
were forced into it, and you know that that might
be true, or you were manipulated into it, or you
were tricked into it. But whatever the reason, it's better
to start making changes so that going forward you're living
with less moral dissonance. You can't control what was in
(15:50):
the past. You can only control what you're doing right now.
Top ten phrase healthy goals are based on things you
can control right. Living in accordance with your values is
the best way to build a solid self concept. Being
a moral person is more important than any other thing
you identify with. Now. This might surprise you in an
(16:12):
age where identity politics as an international blink and obsession,
But I mean, really, does it matter if someone is
gay or straight, black or white, liberal or conservative, Asian
or indigenous cisgender or trans, Christian or Buddhist, blue or
white collar if they are an insufferable jerk that you
cannot stand to be around. No right exactly. Issues of
(16:37):
physical description, pronouns, religious affiliation, and so on can help
you navigate the world, but they can't help you feel
better about yourself unless they align with those core values
of yours. You know. Granted, things like religion can inform
those core values, but I find too many people twist
(17:01):
things like religion to justify their own personal beliefs, as
opposed to religion really shaping what they believe to be right.
I'm not even sure how you know. I've used religion
to challenge my core beliefs, but did they really shape them?
(17:21):
I don't know. I just you know, mentioned trans people
is a valid identity. I don't think that really worked
right now. The reason compassion is a core value of
mine and a core value of most of the religions
out there, is that I've learned the hard way that
top ten phrase healthy goals are based on things you
(17:41):
can control, and top ten phrase self esteem cannot exist
without self compassion. In my case, I needed a lot
more self compassion. If you have one set of rules
for yourself and another set of rules for everyone else.
You're not going to be very happy. A narcissist has
(18:04):
a much more lenient set of rules for themselves than
they do for everyone else. Me and most of the
people I work with professionally have a much horror by
horror by what is wrong with me tonight, higher bar
for themselves than they do anyone else. And that is wrong.
(18:25):
We're going to change that. Okay, don't worry about being wrong.
This is a good thing to be wrong about, you know. Ironically,
the first person I ever heard you can't have one
set of rules for yourself and another set of rules
for everyone else from was my biological father, who himself
had one set of rules for him. Those rules were
(18:47):
basically that it was okay to blow up on people
to get your way, and then another set of rules
for everyone else, whom he expected to have the patience
of saints. Obviously, this is not as you can imagine.
My father had pretty turbulent, unstable relationships, and that's putting
(19:08):
it lightly so one set of rules for everyone, Okay,
if it's okay for other people to do, then it's
okay for you to do. Because your people, and if
you really don't feel right letting yourself get away with something,
maybe it's not okay for others to do either. And
(19:29):
that's a good indication of boundaries that are good to set.
This is the fastest way I know to find out
who around you practice as double standards themselves, because those
people really don't like it when they're not the exception
to a rule. And guess what that's a sign of. Yep,
(19:52):
might be narcissism, might not too. So don't worry about
diagnosing people. This is why this show is called it's
not therapy. Not therapy. You don't need to worry about
the reason someone has a double standard. Focus on the
double standard, because the same rules apply for everyone. Right,
(20:13):
This is a double standard, fair game. You're a narcissist.
That lady on the radio where podcast told me so?
Not okay, no, no no. That is a sweeping generalization
of their character. Leave that to the people qualified to
diagnose personality disorders. Awesome, it's not therapy. The thing you
(20:35):
have to worry about is yourself. If you keep a
consistent set of standards and live in accordance with your values,
you'll start to get a staple self concept, and you
will feel like that person you see that you are
is worth something, in fact, a lot of something. Now
(20:58):
this might confuse you. It trips a lot of people up.
Realizing that you're worth something and liking yourself aren't the
same thing. Okay, there are always times that all of
us don't like ourselves, right, all the separating did a
bad thing from am a bad person? We all have
(21:20):
terrible days where it all just crumbles. Right. First, you
have worth just because you're a person. You know. Look
look at if you've got a cat in your life.
Watch your cat. That cat knows what that cat is worth.
They walk around going I am a cat, and I
(21:43):
am amazing. Even when something startles them and they jump
straight up in the air and then they spin around.
It's like I meant to do that, right, Yeah, yeah,
cats are masters of self worth. Right, even when you
don't like yourself, tell yourself you still have worth. Also,
that's step one, step two. When you find yourself not
(22:04):
liking yourself, your priority is now to do the work
to get back to a place where you do like yourself.
And that's why knowing what those core values are and
working back to figuring out what's out of alignment and
getting back into alignment. That's very important, but it's coming.
Don't worry. Don't worry. I have clients who have never
(22:26):
known the feeling of liking themselves. So if that's you,
you're far from alone. Right. These clients grew up in
profoundly abusive homes or they were badly bullied as kids,
and they're the sweetest people and they're super talented and
they can't see any of it. Raw. I had the
best job in the world that I get to take
them on the theme park ride of they are amazing, Right,
(22:49):
So how do we do that? We start with very gentle,
positive reinforcements. What's something anything connected to them that they like?
Is it a skill? Is it knowing they care about
not hurting people? Is it being a good listener? Anything?
No joke, I've even you're gonna laugh, Maybe you will laugh,
(23:10):
but hear me out. Okay. Clients have said they're like
talking to you know those those chatbots, like those kind
of chatbots, the racy ones. Yeah. Well, I've encouraged them
to get the bots to describe them and give them
a starter list of positive qualities. So far, it's worked.
(23:33):
I really don't care how you originally discover what you
like about yourself. If it comes from like lude furree manga,
I do not care. There's nothing wrong with ludefurry manga.
Somebody just sent me something. That's why it's front of
mine to research purposes only I went there. This is
(23:57):
a show, all right, whatever it is. If you don't
know what lud furry manga is, don't look it up.
Please just don't worry about it. Fine. Something you like
about yourself. I love you, furries. That's a positive quality.
I love you otaku. That's a positive quality. Right. I
(24:19):
have been playing too much death stranding too There is
no such thing as too much death stranding too Onward.
Something you like about yourself, Okay, If you don't have
something you like about yourself that can serve as a path,
a directional marker, making changes is going to be like
(24:42):
that Winnie the Pooh story, you know, the one where
Pooh and Piglet think they're tracking the Heffalump, but they're
really just following their own footprints in a circle. People like,
what are you talking about? The Heffalump's the thing I
sat in the cartoon? Yet the original book. I am
so sorry now that I went to like furry stuff
(25:02):
before this. No, I'm not. We need the Poo and
Pigot are amazing. I love the books, The Tao of
Pooh and The Day of Piglet. They are great books. Okay,
So for people who don't know a Heflump story, they
find these tracks in the sand the snow, and they
start following the tracks, and there's another set of tracks
and another set of tracks. The oh my god, there's
this whole party of animals. We're hunting them. They were
(25:24):
going in a circle and it was their own footprints.
And that's what happens when you try to work on
your self esteem or make positive changes if you don't
have that north star, so to speak, of something you
already know is positive about you for you to navigate.
(25:48):
In order to have a fairly regular feeling that you
like yourself, you have to learn to course correct when
things go awry, and it is a much less painful
process to make healthy changes if you have something you
know is good to step back into when you realize
things have gone off the rails like it did with
(26:12):
that manga stuff. Sense of humor is a major thing
I deploy this. This has been a rough show, but
that's okay, it's entertaining. Okay, here's an example other than
my own practice of self compassion. There, you know you
value kindness and compassion and you don't intend to hurt people. Right,
(26:35):
So you find out you hurt somebody, it's an accident.
It's not a crisis. It's something you can learn from.
Listen twice before you talk once. It's a top ten
phrase for a reason. Find out what happened and what
you can course correct, so you're not just following the
heffalump prince. Right, that's a much better story to tell yourself. Then,
(27:00):
oh my god, I can't do anything right. Everybody hates
me listening to this. What the heck was I talking
about five minutes ago? Right? Right? Catastrophizing is the enemy
of self esteem. But if you've been raised by a
narcissist or any kind of abuser, catastrophizing probably happened on
(27:20):
every day ending and why to keep everybody in their lane.
So the idea of not catastrophizing it is totally foreign.
So let's take a break. Well, I get myself together
after that last segment, talk about how to cut down
on catastrophizing because that's gonna lessen one of the biggest
(27:44):
control levers narcissists have over your life. If you lived
with one or you have lived with one, questions, comments, concerns,
don't ask me for references of some of the stuff
I talked about earlier in this segment. Leanna at therapy
is my email. Not Therapyo dot com is the website
with the contact form at not Therapy show is the
(28:06):
social media's stop catastrophizing, or at least start stopping. Start
stopping after this break on, It's not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Streamers live at SAGA nine am dot C.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
a SA therapy. I'm still at a curs nor. I'm
still not a therapist. I'm still punchy. I think it's
(28:43):
the wildfire smoke. I have asthma. It's not been a
good time the weekend ay Fige mirror. Anyway, We're not
talking about that. We're talking about self esteem. When you've
been surrounded by narcissists. You might still be surrounded by narcissists.
Before the break, I'd promised to give you some tips
(29:05):
to avoid catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is believing that the worst thing
that could possibly happen is the thing you're gonna focus
on happening. It's common when you're feeling a lot of
anxiety because anxiety isn't caused by the objective difficulty of
a task. Anxiety is about believing you're not capable of
(29:29):
completing the task at hand, or thinking maybe you can't
do it, no matter how difficult or easy you believe
that task to be. For other people, It's just this
habit a lot of people get into the minute you
might fail. You think that you're gonna fail. And part
of the reason I just wing it and make silly
(29:50):
mistakes on the show is that if I can do it,
then you can too and recover in adorable fashion. Good god,
I hope it's adorable fashion. So if you've got something
you have to do, whether they think that you can
do it or not, like you know, record a show
and you're having trouble breathing because you have asthma. Your
(30:13):
lungs are messed up from smoke outside. You know, worrying
about what will happen if you can't pull it off
isn't a good use of your time and stress. This
is very topical for me this episode, woo. So instead
focus on the steps you have to take to get
(30:37):
the job done. For me tonight, I have forty eight minutes.
I have to speak. There are commercials on the radio.
There are four four twelve forty eight divided by four.
That is my goal, right. Healthy goals are based on
(30:59):
things you can control. I just over thirty minutes in
yes top ten phrase. Don't let problems that aren't your
fault lead to mistakes that are. I can't control the weather.
I can't control that I have asthma. I'm here giving
it my best and making it topical, right, and afterwards,
I'm gonna work on that what if brain, that default
(31:21):
mode network not playing over and over and over again
some of the things I said on this show, right, yeah,
So how do you stop thinking about, Well, if I fail,
this will happen. And I've just embarrassed myself on radio
(31:42):
and the podcast version. Oh my god, I'm never gonna
live this down. No, no, no, you don't think that way
because honestly, it's another show. People are getting a laugh.
You know, nobody is going to know what I intended
to do on this program. They find me. This is
(32:02):
part of my term. Just tangle up and tangle on, right,
And that's really the crux of not catastrophizing. Just don't catastrophize.
It really is that simple. When you start going, oh
my god, what if I and oh all of high
school me, every university course was pure freak out what
(32:25):
if I fail? It was completely zero sum, high stakes.
It wasn't my fault. But learn so that you don't
have to. Instead of worrying about what you'll do if
it doesn't go well, just maximize your chances of it
(32:48):
working out. You know, in this case, I made notes,
I researched the concepts, and you know what came out
of my mouth came out of my mouth. But it'll
be okay, right, it's we say it's not the end
of the world, and it really isn't. But what does
(33:09):
that mean? Making mistakes? Having an off night for me?
The way I think about it shows you who's really
in your corner and who's a merciless jerk who just
wants to take a cheap shot. Now you may think, well,
can't somebody be both. No, there's a big difference between
(33:32):
laughing with you and laughing at you. And if somebody
realizes you're sensitive about something and takes the crack anyway,
they're not. They're not the the Mickey in your corner
when you're Rocky in the ring, right, that's not the
(33:53):
person going, get up your lous you bum, because Mickey
loves you. That's the person going, why don't you just
stay dead? The Rocky movies would have been far less
interesting and about seven minutes long if that was the plot, right.
The whole point of Rocky is it's not how hard
you hit, it's how hard you get hit and keep
(34:14):
getting back up. That's how you win. That's how we win.
I repeat that to myself alongside my top ten phrases.
I can't use that as a top ten phrase because
that's Rocky Balboa's phrase, right, goatch Rocky. It's a good movie,
But that's pretty much it. Instead of what ifing get
(34:35):
on task, just what's the first thing you have to do?
If that seems too big, make it smaller and smaller
and smaller. So if you have to write an essay
and thinking about organizing your thoughts is too big. The
first thing you have to do is start jotting down
notes or open that word processor, document, whatever program you use.
(35:00):
Just that is your first step. No matter how freaked
out you are by the task. That does not change
what you have to do, does not change. The order
in which you have to do them does not change.
So don't let problems that aren't your fault lead to
(35:23):
mistakes that are Top ten phrase, one foot in front
of the other, one key stroke at a time, one
word spoken to those of you out there listening, you
get through it. It's not necessarily gonna be the most
brilliant thing you've ever done. That's the good thing. It
(35:46):
doesn't have to be. It really doesn't trust me. I've
done one hundred and thirty nine episodes of this show,
maybe twenty five of them are brilliant, and people like, no,
I love the show. It doesn't have to be brilliant. Right.
The whole point of me as a peer counselor the
whole point of this being it's not therapy, is I'm
(36:10):
no expert. I'm giving you suggestions, not a diagnosis. I'm
giving you stuff. To try, not some clinically proven answer.
Actually a lot of these things are clinically proven. I
just make them silly because, let's face it, for me,
(36:30):
if I make them silly, it takes the pressure down, right.
I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to
ace it every time. You know, It's like the show
Family Guy. You know how most episodes of the show
Family Guy are ninety seconds of funny and filler. That's
what you have to think of. It's not about the
(36:53):
rest of that. What are they up to now, twenty
two to twenty four minutes. It's not about the twenty
two minutes that are just there. It's the ninety seconds
of funny. And especially with essay writing or script writing
or anything like that involving writing, you'll get to a
point where something will jump out at you and that'll
(37:14):
be the thing you focus everything on. And it doesn't
have to be perfect the first try. It's not gonna
be get your ideas out and then edit. There are
no brilliant writers. There are utterly genius editors self editors. Yeah, okay,
so we're not going for perfection, right. Perfect is a lie.
(37:37):
Stop trying to be perfect. Top ten phrase really you
aim for perfection, You're not gonna start because it's impossible.
Aim for good enough. What's good enough? What are your goals?
What are you doing every day to live in accordance
with your values? Not other people's expectations of you, not
(37:59):
the demand and guilt trips and nagging of other people.
What can you do in this task to validate yourself
via feeling like you did the right thing? If you
can find a way to do that in difficult tasks,
(38:20):
even if the outcomes don't go your way, you can
feel somewhat good about what you did. And that is
the difference between having healthy self esteem and being a
narcissist who needs that high wire act of admiration and
specialness and attention. Right. A narcissist is all about if
(38:42):
it turns out well, then it's great. If it turns
out terribly, then you know, a certain president fires the
statistics person because he didn't like what the statistics said.
Don't be like that, right. It's that's the difference because
to somebody with healthy self esteem, not everything has to
(39:05):
go your way. In fact, lots of things cannot go
your way, and you still feel okay because you kept
to the path of your values. Whereas somebody who is
purely driven by the idea that they are special and
better than everyone else. Anything that sends the message that
(39:31):
they aren't, well, that's a true catastrophe because it's an
emperor has no close moment, right. So, what's some other
things you can do to separate healthy self esteem and narcissism.
What's a way you can deal with the narcissistic abuse
that you've suffered or continuing to suffer and build up
(39:53):
that healthy self esteem even if the narcissist is still
in your life. I'll talk about that in the final break,
or at least offer some support for people going through it.
This is not the night to be brilliant. Question comments,
any feedback you want to just say, hey, awesome forgetting
through the show. Leanna at Notherapyshow dot com is my email.
(40:13):
Not Therapyshow dot com is my website at not therapy
Show on social media when we come back, How to
protect yourself esteem if you're still dealing with a narcissist
on It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA nine
six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
USID therapy. I'm still Leanna Kerzner. I'm still not a therapist.
I actually time this show fairly well tonight, all things considered,
(40:55):
If you're just tuning in on radio to this train
wreck to you may want to go back and listen
to the podcast version wherever you get your podcast, because
it's been hilarious. I am coping with uh, not thinking
the clearest because I have asthma and the wildfire smoke
has done a number on me. The weekend was rough,
(41:17):
and I'm still not okay, but we are keeping keeping
on anyway, keep on keeping on blah blah blah blah. Okay. So,
say you still have a narcissist in your life and
it's still doing a number on your self esteem and
you constantly get into this ridiculous fights, or you keep
(41:38):
running stuff back in your mind. You just can't shake it,
especially if the person is gone and you're still haunted
by some of the things that they did to you
or made you feel. Maybe there's certain phrases that you
can't get out of your head. Well, that's a work
in progress, right. This is one of these things I
(41:59):
admit I don't do totally have figured out. I do
know what helps, and one of the things that really
helps me is to use some compassion and recognize that
narcissism is a disorder for a reason. No matter how
(42:20):
much the narcissist self aggrandizes, no matter how much they
act like they are the greatest thing ever, think about
the fact that, no matter how much they've done, because
there are some very rich narcissists out there, no matter
how much they've done, it's not enough. They still have
(42:45):
to make up something they haven't earned to take credit for,
because that's the hallmark of the condition, right, It's an
exaggerated sense of self achievement and value. So it is
never enough. If you can be like Can in the
Barbie movie and find what's enough for you, no matter
(43:10):
what the narcissist says, that's it. That's the game you've won,
not that it's about that. It's more like a survival
horror game where you just escape, but you know ultimately
you will feel a lot better about yourself if you
set healthy goals based on things you can control. Okay,
(43:32):
what's one thing that you're going to do in this
difficult encounter. You know, what's a point you really want
to bring up? Okay, make sure that you've brought that up,
or give yourself. I'm you know, just not gonna take
their bait. I'm gonna let it bounce off me three times.
(43:53):
It's very important to set a baseline that is not
I'm not gonna take debait the whole time, right, because
narcissists are really good at getting people to crack. They'll
just poke every button in the elevator. It'll stop at
every floor. Eventually, want I'll be the one that opens
the door on something weird, right, like this show for
(44:17):
me tonight. But that's the thing, Right, if you focus
on the times you were more resilient this time than
you have been previously, not perfection. They might still eventually
get to you. But hey, maybe you lasted five minutes longer,
Maybe you absorbed a couple more insults without feeling terrible
(44:42):
about it. That is an achievement, that is real, That
is real progress. Good job, Give yourself some credit. The
narcissist cannot take that from you. Because what you just
did there is something they are not ca capable of understanding.
(45:02):
That's it. That's the game. There's your stealth. There's a
place you can hide bits of you that are real
and have value that the narcissist or other type of
abuser can not touch. That's really the only thing I've
found that works reliably, even when you get torn down,
(45:25):
even when you break, you know, especially if you bend.
It takes a while, you know, especially if you're dealing
with family members to extract yourself from these situations, because
you've got a lifetime of habits to relearn and unlearn. Right,
(45:46):
going no contact is absolutely a good option if you
can do it. Some people can't. So every little improvement,
every time you last a little longer, good for you. Now,
say you don't live with the narcissists, say you're just
(46:07):
going to visit, and it always ends in fireworks, shall
we say? Now this may be unavoidable because they're just
too good at getting under your skin. And that's okay,
that's on them, not you. Don't let problems aren't your
fault lead the mistakes that are okay, It's called getting
under your skin for a reason. You don't ask for
those you know, cactus needles to get in there, so
(46:31):
they're violating boundaries. You're not being weak. Okay, it doesn't
work that way. Figure out a pre planned exit strategy
that isn't quite as explosive like oh gotta go see
you later, love ya bye. Right, Just something where you
(46:51):
just exit and they may complain about how you did it.
In fact, they probably will complain about how you did it,
but it is better than really losing it on them.
And I come at this from a place where, when
you know those family members start on me, I still
(47:11):
feel like I'm a six year old kid again, and
I have to remind myself I'm not. I'm an adult
with choices. I can get up and walk out, and
it's amazing how still sometimes your body won't move. It's
a really, really tough one. But the more you just
(47:33):
take steps to being different than them, breaking that cycle,
not falling into the same patterns, right, that's a win.
It's always a win. And no matter what, just remember
that they are trapped with the feeling that the truth
(47:58):
of who they are, what they've done, and what they're
worth to the world. No matter how good it is,
it's never enough think about what that's like, and it's
okay to pity them. Questions, comments, any feedback whatsoever on
this show. Leanna at nottherapyshow dot com is my email.
(48:19):
Not therapyshow dot com is the website at not therapy
On social media, remember you're crazy is only a problem
if it's hurting you. I get to stop talking now,
See you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
Stream us live at SAGA nine six am dot CA.
The views expressed in the following program are those of
the participants and do not necessarily reflect the views of
SAGA nine sixty AM or its management.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot CA. Hello listeners
around the world on radio, streaming and podcast services. This
is this not therapy. I'm Leanna Kersner and I am
not a therapist, but I am your source for navigating
(00:31):
the madness and mental health using my top ten sayings
for going good crazy. This week, we're talking about healthy
self esteem versus the dreaded narcissism, and this is gonna
be a bit of a complex one because my path
to understanding the difference wasn't a straight line. Self Esteem
is one of those concepts that our culture really messes up,
(00:53):
Like I'm messed up putting the s on concepts. There,
there we go. It demands that we have self esteem,
and yet it does absolutely everything possible to make sure
we don't because culture is made up of people, and
some of those people are terrible. In fact, our culture
is more inclined to teach us not self esteem but
(01:17):
a form of hyper competitive narcissistic hyper individualism. In Layman's terms,
that means we're tearing each other down more than we're
building each other up, and obviously that isn't good for anybody.
Self esteem, put simply, is how much you like and
value yourself. Narcissism is when someone has an unreasonably high
(01:39):
sense of their own importance, and this leads to an
unhealthy need for too much attention and admiration. To be clear,
narcissism isn't about having too much self esteem. That's something
a lot of people get wrong. In fact, narcissists tend
to have low self esteem and the need for attention, importance, admiration.
(02:05):
If you have healthy self esteem, those things are nice,
but seeking them doesn't dominate your life. If you have
healthy self esteem, you need good and fair treatment, but
you don't need special treatment like a narcissist does. Now,
I've been hearing lately from educator colleagues that students students
(02:27):
are trying to talk them into marks that these students
haven't earned. And these students say that if they don't
get these marks, and they won't pass the course. And
why is this the teacher's problem? Well, I don't know,
because the problem here isn't the teacher. The problem is
(02:47):
that these students haven't earned a passing grade. And passing
a course, you know, getting the credit is supposed to
mean that the student earned that credit. These students want
status they haven't earned. And this isn't a couple of people.
This is happening all over the place. You know. The
(03:09):
thing that these students who you don't want those extra
couple of marks so they can pass. What they you know,
may or may not understand is that getting even a
mark or two that they haven't earned is wanting special
treatment over the other students in the course that you know,
actually bothered to pass the old fashioned way. Now, these
(03:31):
colleagues who are educators agreed with me that giving these
students grades they hadn't earned wouldn't be the help these
students thought it would be, because these students would have
to live with the knowledge for the rest of their
lives that they didn't actually pass the course. Now, worst case,
you know, not worst case scenario, this would undermine their
(03:54):
self esteem and potentially lead to imposter syndrome. Worst case
scenario is that the students are showing signs of narcissism,
trying things, making mistakes, making corrections learning. That's how we
both build our self concept and our self worth. And
(04:14):
building self concept and self worth leads to healthy self esteem. Now,
self concept and self worth are two other concepts that
get thrown around without a common understanding. We've talked about
on the show before. But you know, we're up to
episode one hundred and thirty nine. Some of you may
have missed it. Let's go over it again. Self concept
is your answer to the question who am I. Self
(04:38):
worth is your opinion on whether the answer to the
question who am I? Is good or bad. These things
are formed through the interplay of your own beliefs and
the messages you get from others. It's a feedback loop,
it's a reinforcing spiral. Now, one of the things I
(04:59):
do with clients is work with them to determine what
behaviors they are willing to accept from others. Now, hear
me out, I'll explain what this is, and then while
I do it. For instance, a behavior they will accept
is hearing someone's opinion, just their opinion, not a fact
(05:20):
that something the client did was selfish. I'll note that
I said they'll accept it, not like it. Opinions are like,
you know, bums, everyone's got one, A lot of them stink.
What they will not accept is an opinion from someone
else that they are a selfish person. They won't accept
(05:43):
that because they're pretty certain it's not true. So if
someone insists on taking a conversation in that unacceptable direction
you're such a selfish person, then the client has the
right to end the conversation. And the fact that they're
willing to hear that they did a selfish thing in
that person's opinion, even though they don't like hearing that,
(06:07):
that gives the client the permission structure to reject statements
that attack their overall character because they're willing to hear
that somebody thought an isolated incident was the thing that
violated their values of being considerate. This is how I
work with clients to build self concept and self worth.
(06:29):
The self concept here is based on that core value
of consideration and conscientiousness. The boundaries that we set based
on this self concept allow the client to build that
all important sense of self worth. They're willing to hear
things they don't like that they still think all right,
fair game, So that shows them that proves to them.
(06:52):
They're still open to feedback, even bad feedback, but they're
also treating themselves with enough worth that they won't accept
sweeping negative statements about their entire character. Through these reinforcing exercises,
a client gradually builds a sense of good self worth
(07:12):
plus good self concept equals healthy self esteem. They like
remaining open to challenging comments while still setting limits on
how far someone can push. That's the sweet spot. You know,
feel a little bit of distress, a little stuff you
don't like, or a moderate amount, but not when it's
way over the lines. So you're knocking down that sand
(07:35):
castle of self worth and self concept. Right, These clients
discover they actually believe that they have the positive qualities
that we focus on reinforcing, and they like these things
about themselves while also feeling the sense of achievement that
comes with standing up for themselves when it really matters,
(07:55):
meaning when someone crosses a line. Now, in the short term,
this process can be well, we'll say a little bumpy,
because some of the people around the people I work
with are in the habit of making those sweeping generalizations
of character because they think that talking this way is normal. Accordingly,
(08:16):
they're going to be resistant to the idea that there's
anything wrong with these totally normal statements. Right, But it's
also normal to have lousy self esteem, which is why
I don't put much stock in normal. Where I'm going
from good crazy, Right, I've met so many people who
have given up on having healthy self esteem, and that
(08:39):
includes some therapists. Yes, scary as that is, these people
treated as something they only really have on the absolute
best of days. And you'll find a ton of content
online that revels in the misery of life, about how
women are mistreated or how men are disposable, about how
(08:59):
the world hates this or that group, and you know,
no joke inequalities exist. But the particular way that these
influencers present their case is wait for it, highly narcissistic.
The reason the misery porn is appealing to some people
because is because it makes them feel important and special.
(09:23):
It's that Simpson's meme, you know, with Principal Skinner. Am
I out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong.
You know that one. I love that one. If you're
really worried about protecting your sons, from the influence of
entertain or you're worried that your daughter is going to
become some radical and article communist feminist wearing a kill
all men t shirt, then the best thing you can
(09:44):
do is help them get a healthy sense of self
by praising what they do right and what you value
about their character, as well as telling them the things
they do wrong without describing their entire person is something bad.
Don't call your kids ungrateful, don't call your kids spoiled,
(10:07):
don't call your kids difficult. They are being ungrateful, they
are being selfish at that moment. Don't define them by
their worst points. And some of people say, well, that
was my entire childhood. Obviously none of us were fortunate enough,
none of us, not all of us. There we go, Wow,
(10:29):
I can't talk tonight. Not all of us were fortunate
enough to have those sorts of parents that you know,
give the constructive criticism and the healthy praise. So what
do you do if you grew up having your character
negatively defined for you in the way I just described.
We'll get to that after the break. Do you have
(10:50):
a story you think would be good for the show.
Are you interested in sponsoring the show? Leanna at not
therapyshow dot com is my email. Not therapyshow dot com
is the web website at not therapy so on social
so not therapy show. Good God, it's gonna be a night.
We're talking self esteem, how to get it if you're
(11:10):
surrounded by narcissists, and it's not therapy.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
After this, no Radio, no Problem stream is live on
SAGA ninety six am dot CAA.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two to one one
or go to two one one dot ca. We're back
and it's not therapy. I'm still in a cursoner. I'm
still not a therapist. We're still talking about how to
(11:42):
develop healthy self esteem if you've been raised in a
narcissistic environment. And I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact
that it takes a lot of work. On the bride side,
the work actually isn't that awful once you get over
the initial fear that you yourself are being a narcissist
by thinking a few good things about yourself. Narcissists are
(12:07):
so quick to call other people narcissists and a bunch
of other things that are awful, since they assume everybody
must have the bad characteristics that they themselves have if
they even think it's bad, because to a narcissist, every
other person is an extension of their own reflection in
(12:27):
the mirror. Now, people who grow up around narcissists usually
have terrible self esteem because they're used to being told
they're a bunch of awful things whenever they displease the narcissist.
So first rule of building a solid self concept the
(12:47):
first step on the rate of good self esteem. Stop
calling yourself those awful things. Most of them are highly subjectives,
So no more calling yourself a loser because you've lost
things doesn't mean you're a loser. Individual instances not the
whole of your character, right, stuff like worthless and I'm useless,
(13:11):
I'm no good I'll never be good enough. Right yeah yeah, yeah,
No more of that either. Ah, it's not true. If
you're alive, you're worth something. You don't know what the
future holds. If there are people you care about, you're
probably being useful to someone. It can someone sometimes help
to ask people that you trust how you know you
(13:32):
enrich their lives. Tell them you're feeling kind of down
and you know you need a reality check. Now write down,
not what you think you're good at, write down what
values matter to you. What do you think makes up
(13:53):
a good person? Preferably three. If you can't settle on
only three, go for five. But they're the ones that
are the most important in your opinion. If you have
to choose between these values and others, these are your
first principles, your prime motivators. Right, if you're a Star
Trek fan, you're prime directive. Now mine are integrity, compassion,
(14:17):
and conscientiousness. Now ask yourself if you are living in
accordance with these values that you've written down to a
reasonable degree. Emphasis on reasonable degree, not based on a
standard of perfection, just based on what you'd expect from
a friend, basically what you expect from anyone. But you right,
(14:41):
if the answer to am I living in accordance with
this value to a reasonable degree? That I would you
know the BENCHMARKO had set for a friend. If the
answer is yes, good keep at it. The answer is no,
what do you need to change about how you're living
your life? Now? Now, if you live with a narcissist,
(15:02):
or you just got away from a narcissist. There are
going to have been times where they manipulated or coerced
you into doing things that were against your values. They
may still be doing it, and you may have gotten
into the habit of creating explanations for these lapses. In
living in accordance with your values as an understandable coping mechanism,
(15:27):
you might have felt like you had no choice, you
were forced into it, and you know that that might
be true, or you were manipulated into it, or you
were tricked into it. But whatever the reason, it's better
to start making changes so that going forward you're living
with less moral dissonance. You can't control what was in
(15:50):
the past. You can only control what you're doing right now.
Top ten phrase healthy goals are based on things you
can control right. Living in accordance with your values is
the best way to build a solid self concept. Being
a moral person is more important than any other thing
you identify with. Now. This might surprise you in an
(16:12):
age where identity politics as an international blink and obsession,
But I mean, really, does it matter if someone is
gay or straight, black or white, liberal or conservative, Asian
or indigenous cisgender or trans, Christian or Buddhist, blue or
white collar if they are an insufferable jerk that you
cannot stand to be around. No right exactly. Issues of
(16:37):
physical description, pronouns, religious affiliation, and so on can help
you navigate the world, but they can't help you feel
better about yourself unless they align with those core values
of yours. You know. Granted, things like religion can inform
those core values, but I find too many people twist
(17:01):
things like religion to justify their own personal beliefs, as
opposed to religion really shaping what they believe to be right.
I'm not even sure how you know. I've used religion
to challenge my core beliefs, but did they really shape them?
(17:21):
I don't know. I just you know, mentioned trans people
is a valid identity. I don't think that really worked
right now. The reason compassion is a core value of
mine and a core value of most of the religions
out there, is that I've learned the hard way that
top ten phrase healthy goals are based on things you
(17:41):
can control, and top ten phrase self esteem cannot exist
without self compassion. In my case, I needed a lot
more self compassion. If you have one set of rules
for yourself and another set of rules for everyone else.
You're not going to be very happy. A narcissist has
(18:04):
a much more lenient set of rules for themselves than
they do for everyone else. Me and most of the
people I work with professionally have a much horror by
horror by what is wrong with me tonight, higher bar
for themselves than they do anyone else. And that is wrong.
(18:25):
We're going to change that. Okay, don't worry about being wrong.
This is a good thing to be wrong about, you know. Ironically,
the first person I ever heard you can't have one
set of rules for yourself and another set of rules
for everyone else from was my biological father, who himself
had one set of rules for him. Those rules were
(18:47):
basically that it was okay to blow up on people
to get your way, and then another set of rules
for everyone else, whom he expected to have the patience
of saints. Obviously, this is not as you can imagine.
My father had pretty turbulent, unstable relationships, and that's putting
(19:08):
it lightly so one set of rules for everyone, Okay,
if it's okay for other people to do, then it's
okay for you to do. Because your people, and if
you really don't feel right letting yourself get away with something,
maybe it's not okay for others to do either. And
(19:29):
that's a good indication of boundaries that are good to set.
This is the fastest way I know to find out
who around you practice as double standards themselves, because those
people really don't like it when they're not the exception
to a rule. And guess what that's a sign of. Yep,
(19:52):
might be narcissism, might not too. So don't worry about
diagnosing people. This is why this show is called it's
not therapy. Not therapy. You don't need to worry about
the reason someone has a double standard. Focus on the
double standard, because the same rules apply for everyone. Right,
(20:13):
This is a double standard, fair game. You're a narcissist.
That lady on the radio where podcast told me so?
Not okay, no, no no. That is a sweeping generalization
of their character. Leave that to the people qualified to
diagnose personality disorders. Awesome, it's not therapy. The thing you
(20:35):
have to worry about is yourself. If you keep a
consistent set of standards and live in accordance with your values,
you'll start to get a staple self concept, and you
will feel like that person you see that you are
is worth something, in fact, a lot of something. Now
(20:58):
this might confuse you. It trips a lot of people up.
Realizing that you're worth something and liking yourself aren't the
same thing. Okay, there are always times that all of
us don't like ourselves, right, all the separating did a
bad thing from am a bad person? We all have
(21:20):
terrible days where it all just crumbles. Right. First, you
have worth just because you're a person. You know. Look
look at if you've got a cat in your life.
Watch your cat. That cat knows what that cat is worth.
They walk around going I am a cat, and I
(21:43):
am amazing. Even when something startles them and they jump
straight up in the air and then they spin around.
It's like I meant to do that, right, Yeah, yeah,
cats are masters of self worth. Right, even when you
don't like yourself, tell yourself you still have worth. Also,
that's step one, step two. When you find yourself not
(22:04):
liking yourself, your priority is now to do the work
to get back to a place where you do like yourself.
And that's why knowing what those core values are and
working back to figuring out what's out of alignment and
getting back into alignment. That's very important, but it's coming.
Don't worry. Don't worry. I have clients who have never
(22:26):
known the feeling of liking themselves. So if that's you,
you're far from alone. Right. These clients grew up in
profoundly abusive homes or they were badly bullied as kids,
and they're the sweetest people and they're super talented and
they can't see any of it. Raw. I had the
best job in the world that I get to take
them on the theme park ride of they are amazing, Right,
(22:49):
So how do we do that? We start with very gentle,
positive reinforcements. What's something anything connected to them that they like?
Is it a skill? Is it knowing they care about
not hurting people? Is it being a good listener? Anything?
No joke, I've even you're gonna laugh, Maybe you will laugh,
(23:10):
but hear me out. Okay. Clients have said they're like
talking to you know those those chatbots, like those kind
of chatbots, the racy ones. Yeah. Well, I've encouraged them
to get the bots to describe them and give them
a starter list of positive qualities. So far, it's worked.
(23:33):
I really don't care how you originally discover what you
like about yourself. If it comes from like lude furree manga,
I do not care. There's nothing wrong with ludefurry manga.
Somebody just sent me something. That's why it's front of
mine to research purposes only I went there. This is
(23:57):
a show, all right, whatever it is. If you don't
know what lud furry manga is, don't look it up.
Please just don't worry about it. Fine. Something you like
about yourself. I love you, furries. That's a positive quality.
I love you otaku. That's a positive quality. Right. I
(24:19):
have been playing too much death stranding too There is
no such thing as too much death stranding too Onward.
Something you like about yourself, Okay, If you don't have
something you like about yourself that can serve as a path,
a directional marker, making changes is going to be like
(24:42):
that Winnie the Pooh story, you know, the one where
Pooh and Piglet think they're tracking the Heffalump, but they're
really just following their own footprints in a circle. People like,
what are you talking about? The Heffalump's the thing I
sat in the cartoon? Yet the original book. I am
so sorry now that I went to like furry stuff
(25:02):
before this. No, I'm not. We need the Poo and
Pigot are amazing. I love the books, The Tao of
Pooh and The Day of Piglet. They are great books. Okay,
So for people who don't know a Heflump story, they
find these tracks in the sand the snow, and they
start following the tracks, and there's another set of tracks
and another set of tracks. The oh my god, there's
this whole party of animals. We're hunting them. They were
(25:24):
going in a circle and it was their own footprints.
And that's what happens when you try to work on
your self esteem or make positive changes if you don't
have that north star, so to speak, of something you
already know is positive about you for you to navigate.
(25:48):
In order to have a fairly regular feeling that you
like yourself, you have to learn to course correct when
things go awry, and it is a much less painful
process to make healthy changes if you have something you
know is good to step back into when you realize
things have gone off the rails like it did with
(26:12):
that manga stuff. Sense of humor is a major thing
I deploy this. This has been a rough show, but
that's okay, it's entertaining. Okay, here's an example other than
my own practice of self compassion. There, you know you
value kindness and compassion and you don't intend to hurt people. Right,
(26:35):
So you find out you hurt somebody, it's an accident.
It's not a crisis. It's something you can learn from.
Listen twice before you talk once. It's a top ten
phrase for a reason. Find out what happened and what
you can course correct, so you're not just following the
heffalump prince. Right, that's a much better story to tell yourself. Then,
(27:00):
oh my god, I can't do anything right. Everybody hates
me listening to this. What the heck was I talking
about five minutes ago? Right? Right? Catastrophizing is the enemy
of self esteem. But if you've been raised by a
narcissist or any kind of abuser, catastrophizing probably happened on
(27:20):
every day ending and why to keep everybody in their lane.
So the idea of not catastrophizing it is totally foreign.
So let's take a break. Well, I get myself together
after that last segment, talk about how to cut down
on catastrophizing because that's gonna lessen one of the biggest
(27:44):
control levers narcissists have over your life. If you lived
with one or you have lived with one, questions, comments, concerns,
don't ask me for references of some of the stuff
I talked about earlier in this segment. Leanna at therapy
is my email. Not Therapyo dot com is the website
with the contact form at not Therapy show is the
(28:06):
social media's stop catastrophizing, or at least start stopping. Start
stopping after this break on, It's not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Streamers live at SAGA nine am dot C.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
a SA therapy. I'm still at a curs nor. I'm
still not a therapist. I'm still punchy. I think it's
(28:43):
the wildfire smoke. I have asthma. It's not been a
good time the weekend ay Fige mirror. Anyway, We're not
talking about that. We're talking about self esteem. When you've
been surrounded by narcissists. You might still be surrounded by narcissists.
Before the break, I'd promised to give you some tips
(29:05):
to avoid catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is believing that the worst thing
that could possibly happen is the thing you're gonna focus
on happening. It's common when you're feeling a lot of
anxiety because anxiety isn't caused by the objective difficulty of
a task. Anxiety is about believing you're not capable of
(29:29):
completing the task at hand, or thinking maybe you can't
do it, no matter how difficult or easy you believe
that task to be. For other people, It's just this
habit a lot of people get into the minute you
might fail. You think that you're gonna fail. And part
of the reason I just wing it and make silly
(29:50):
mistakes on the show is that if I can do it,
then you can too and recover in adorable fashion. Good god,
I hope it's adorable fashion. So if you've got something
you have to do, whether they think that you can
do it or not, like you know, record a show
and you're having trouble breathing because you have asthma. Your
(30:13):
lungs are messed up from smoke outside. You know, worrying
about what will happen if you can't pull it off
isn't a good use of your time and stress. This
is very topical for me this episode, woo. So instead
focus on the steps you have to take to get
(30:37):
the job done. For me tonight, I have forty eight minutes.
I have to speak. There are commercials on the radio.
There are four four twelve forty eight divided by four.
That is my goal, right. Healthy goals are based on
(30:59):
things you can control. I just over thirty minutes in
yes top ten phrase. Don't let problems that aren't your
fault lead to mistakes that are. I can't control the weather.
I can't control that I have asthma. I'm here giving
it my best and making it topical, right, and afterwards,
I'm gonna work on that what if brain, that default
(31:21):
mode network not playing over and over and over again
some of the things I said on this show, right, yeah,
So how do you stop thinking about, Well, if I fail,
this will happen. And I've just embarrassed myself on radio
(31:42):
and the podcast version. Oh my god, I'm never gonna
live this down. No, no, no, you don't think that way
because honestly, it's another show. People are getting a laugh.
You know, nobody is going to know what I intended
to do on this program. They find me. This is
(32:02):
part of my term. Just tangle up and tangle on, right,
And that's really the crux of not catastrophizing. Just don't catastrophize.
It really is that simple. When you start going, oh
my god, what if I and oh all of high
school me, every university course was pure freak out what
(32:25):
if I fail? It was completely zero sum, high stakes.
It wasn't my fault. But learn so that you don't
have to. Instead of worrying about what you'll do if
it doesn't go well, just maximize your chances of it
(32:48):
working out. You know, in this case, I made notes,
I researched the concepts, and you know what came out
of my mouth came out of my mouth. But it'll
be okay, right, it's we say it's not the end
of the world, and it really isn't. But what does
(33:09):
that mean? Making mistakes? Having an off night for me?
The way I think about it shows you who's really
in your corner and who's a merciless jerk who just
wants to take a cheap shot. Now you may think, well,
can't somebody be both. No, there's a big difference between
(33:32):
laughing with you and laughing at you. And if somebody
realizes you're sensitive about something and takes the crack anyway,
they're not. They're not the the Mickey in your corner
when you're Rocky in the ring, right, that's not the
(33:53):
person going, get up your lous you bum, because Mickey
loves you. That's the person going, why don't you just
stay dead? The Rocky movies would have been far less
interesting and about seven minutes long if that was the plot, right.
The whole point of Rocky is it's not how hard
you hit, it's how hard you get hit and keep
(34:14):
getting back up. That's how you win. That's how we win.
I repeat that to myself alongside my top ten phrases.
I can't use that as a top ten phrase because
that's Rocky Balboa's phrase, right, goatch Rocky. It's a good movie,
But that's pretty much it. Instead of what ifing get
(34:35):
on task, just what's the first thing you have to do?
If that seems too big, make it smaller and smaller
and smaller. So if you have to write an essay
and thinking about organizing your thoughts is too big. The
first thing you have to do is start jotting down
notes or open that word processor, document, whatever program you use.
(35:00):
Just that is your first step. No matter how freaked
out you are by the task. That does not change
what you have to do, does not change. The order
in which you have to do them does not change.
So don't let problems that aren't your fault lead to
(35:23):
mistakes that are Top ten phrase, one foot in front
of the other, one key stroke at a time, one
word spoken to those of you out there listening, you
get through it. It's not necessarily gonna be the most
brilliant thing you've ever done. That's the good thing. It
(35:46):
doesn't have to be. It really doesn't trust me. I've
done one hundred and thirty nine episodes of this show,
maybe twenty five of them are brilliant, and people like, no,
I love the show. It doesn't have to be brilliant. Right.
The whole point of me as a peer counselor the
whole point of this being it's not therapy, is I'm
(36:10):
no expert. I'm giving you suggestions, not a diagnosis. I'm
giving you stuff. To try, not some clinically proven answer.
Actually a lot of these things are clinically proven. I
just make them silly because, let's face it, for me,
(36:30):
if I make them silly, it takes the pressure down, right.
I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to
ace it every time. You know, It's like the show
Family Guy. You know how most episodes of the show
Family Guy are ninety seconds of funny and filler. That's
what you have to think of. It's not about the
(36:53):
rest of that. What are they up to now, twenty
two to twenty four minutes. It's not about the twenty
two minutes that are just there. It's the ninety seconds
of funny. And especially with essay writing or script writing
or anything like that involving writing, you'll get to a
point where something will jump out at you and that'll
(37:14):
be the thing you focus everything on. And it doesn't
have to be perfect the first try. It's not gonna
be get your ideas out and then edit. There are
no brilliant writers. There are utterly genius editors self editors. Yeah, okay,
so we're not going for perfection, right. Perfect is a lie.
(37:37):
Stop trying to be perfect. Top ten phrase really you
aim for perfection, You're not gonna start because it's impossible.
Aim for good enough. What's good enough? What are your goals?
What are you doing every day to live in accordance
with your values? Not other people's expectations of you, not
(37:59):
the demand and guilt trips and nagging of other people.
What can you do in this task to validate yourself
via feeling like you did the right thing? If you
can find a way to do that in difficult tasks,
(38:20):
even if the outcomes don't go your way, you can
feel somewhat good about what you did. And that is
the difference between having healthy self esteem and being a
narcissist who needs that high wire act of admiration and
specialness and attention. Right. A narcissist is all about if
(38:42):
it turns out well, then it's great. If it turns
out terribly, then you know, a certain president fires the
statistics person because he didn't like what the statistics said.
Don't be like that, right. It's that's the difference because
to somebody with healthy self esteem, not everything has to
(39:05):
go your way. In fact, lots of things cannot go
your way, and you still feel okay because you kept
to the path of your values. Whereas somebody who is
purely driven by the idea that they are special and
better than everyone else. Anything that sends the message that
(39:31):
they aren't, well, that's a true catastrophe because it's an
emperor has no close moment, right. So, what's some other
things you can do to separate healthy self esteem and narcissism.
What's a way you can deal with the narcissistic abuse
that you've suffered or continuing to suffer and build up
(39:53):
that healthy self esteem even if the narcissist is still
in your life. I'll talk about that in the final break,
or at least offer some support for people going through it.
This is not the night to be brilliant. Question comments,
any feedback you want to just say, hey, awesome forgetting
through the show. Leanna at Notherapyshow dot com is my email.
(40:13):
Not Therapyshow dot com is my website at not therapy
Show on social media when we come back, How to
protect yourself esteem if you're still dealing with a narcissist
on It's Not Therapy.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
No Radio, No Problem. Stream is live on SAGA nine
six am dot C.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
The following program is a peer to peer advice show
and does not diagnose mental health conditions. If you're seeking
social services, please call or text two one one or
go to two one one dot CA. We're back in
USID therapy. I'm still Leanna Kerzner. I'm still not a therapist.
I actually time this show fairly well tonight, all things considered,
(40:55):
If you're just tuning in on radio to this train
wreck to you may want to go back and listen
to the podcast version wherever you get your podcast, because
it's been hilarious. I am coping with uh, not thinking
the clearest because I have asthma and the wildfire smoke
has done a number on me. The weekend was rough,
(41:17):
and I'm still not okay, but we are keeping keeping
on anyway, keep on keeping on blah blah blah blah. Okay. So,
say you still have a narcissist in your life and
it's still doing a number on your self esteem and
you constantly get into this ridiculous fights, or you keep
(41:38):
running stuff back in your mind. You just can't shake it,
especially if the person is gone and you're still haunted
by some of the things that they did to you
or made you feel. Maybe there's certain phrases that you
can't get out of your head. Well, that's a work
in progress, right. This is one of these things I
(41:59):
admit I don't do totally have figured out. I do
know what helps, and one of the things that really
helps me is to use some compassion and recognize that
narcissism is a disorder for a reason. No matter how
(42:20):
much the narcissist self aggrandizes, no matter how much they
act like they are the greatest thing ever, think about
the fact that, no matter how much they've done, because
there are some very rich narcissists out there, no matter
how much they've done, it's not enough. They still have
(42:45):
to make up something they haven't earned to take credit for,
because that's the hallmark of the condition, right, It's an
exaggerated sense of self achievement and value. So it is
never enough. If you can be like Can in the
Barbie movie and find what's enough for you, no matter
(43:10):
what the narcissist says, that's it. That's the game you've won,
not that it's about that. It's more like a survival
horror game where you just escape, but you know ultimately
you will feel a lot better about yourself if you
set healthy goals based on things you can control. Okay,
(43:32):
what's one thing that you're going to do in this
difficult encounter. You know, what's a point you really want
to bring up? Okay, make sure that you've brought that up,
or give yourself. I'm you know, just not gonna take
their bait. I'm gonna let it bounce off me three times.
(43:53):
It's very important to set a baseline that is not
I'm not gonna take debait the whole time, right, because
narcissists are really good at getting people to crack. They'll
just poke every button in the elevator. It'll stop at
every floor. Eventually, want I'll be the one that opens
the door on something weird, right, like this show for
(44:17):
me tonight. But that's the thing, Right, if you focus
on the times you were more resilient this time than
you have been previously, not perfection. They might still eventually
get to you. But hey, maybe you lasted five minutes longer,
Maybe you absorbed a couple more insults without feeling terrible
(44:42):
about it. That is an achievement, that is real, That
is real progress. Good job, Give yourself some credit. The
narcissist cannot take that from you. Because what you just
did there is something they are not ca capable of understanding.
(45:02):
That's it. That's the game. There's your stealth. There's a
place you can hide bits of you that are real
and have value that the narcissist or other type of
abuser can not touch. That's really the only thing I've
found that works reliably, even when you get torn down,
(45:25):
even when you break, you know, especially if you bend.
It takes a while, you know, especially if you're dealing
with family members to extract yourself from these situations, because
you've got a lifetime of habits to relearn and unlearn. Right,
(45:46):
going no contact is absolutely a good option if you
can do it. Some people can't. So every little improvement,
every time you last a little longer, good for you. Now,
say you don't live with the narcissists, say you're just
(46:07):
going to visit, and it always ends in fireworks, shall
we say? Now this may be unavoidable because they're just
too good at getting under your skin. And that's okay,
that's on them, not you. Don't let problems aren't your
fault lead the mistakes that are okay, It's called getting
under your skin for a reason. You don't ask for
those you know, cactus needles to get in there, so
(46:31):
they're violating boundaries. You're not being weak. Okay, it doesn't
work that way. Figure out a pre planned exit strategy
that isn't quite as explosive like oh gotta go see
you later, love ya bye. Right, Just something where you
(46:51):
just exit and they may complain about how you did it.
In fact, they probably will complain about how you did it,
but it is better than really losing it on them.
And I come at this from a place where, when
you know those family members start on me, I still
(47:11):
feel like I'm a six year old kid again, and
I have to remind myself I'm not. I'm an adult
with choices. I can get up and walk out, and
it's amazing how still sometimes your body won't move. It's
a really, really tough one. But the more you just
(47:33):
take steps to being different than them, breaking that cycle,
not falling into the same patterns, right, that's a win.
It's always a win. And no matter what, just remember
that they are trapped with the feeling that the truth
(47:58):
of who they are, what they've done, and what they're
worth to the world. No matter how good it is,
it's never enough think about what that's like, and it's
okay to pity them. Questions, comments, any feedback whatsoever on
this show. Leanna at nottherapyshow dot com is my email.
(48:19):
Not therapyshow dot com is the website at not therapy
On social media, remember you're crazy is only a problem
if it's hurting you. I get to stop talking now,
See you next time.
Speaker 1 (48:32):
Stream us live at SAGA nine six am dot CA.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.