August 12, 2025 • 29 mins
Step back in time with "Jack Benny," one of the most beloved comedians in radio history. His sharp wit, endearing personality, and hilarious routines made his show a staple of American entertainment. Tune in for a hearty dose of laughter and nostalgia, perfect for fans of classic comedy and vintage radio.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay. The Jello Program starring Jack Penny with a Plymon
and his orchestra, coming to you from Radio City, New York.
The orchestra opens the program with I doubledare you. There's
(00:28):
a change in the Jello program tonight. It comes to
you from New York instead of Hollywood. But there's no
change in Jello with its six delicious flavors. Tello is
always good wherever you have it, New York or Hollywood,
North or South. At home or in a restaurant, you
can count Onzello to beat tops in goodness every time
Cortello brings you that special extra rich fruit flavor. A
(00:49):
flavor is delicious as the fresh ripe fruit itself. That's
why Jello six flavors are tempting and refreshing. All six
colors are bright and gay. Just be sure to get
genuine jello when you buy. Look for the big red
letters on the box. Base fell Jello that was by
(01:25):
doubled Air you played via the orchestram. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we bring you a man who traveled all the way
from California to New York, that gypsy of the airwaves,
Jack Ferny, Thank you, Thank you, very much. You lo again,
this is a Jack Benny. You're a little nomad talking
(01:45):
and Harry Vanzell, I want to tell you right now
how much I appreciate you're helping me out tonight. It's
a grand gesture. Oh, don't mention it, Jack. I only
hope I'll be able to fill down Wilson's shoes. What
is that I said? I hope I can fill down
Wilson's shoe. Oh you can, Harry, you can, but don't
ever get into his pants without a comfass. You should
(02:06):
see that guy. We'll tell me Jack, what kind of
a trip did you have in New York? Did you?
Did you fly in? No, Harry, I took one of
those new Screamline trains, and believe me, they are classy.
I mean they're the last word in luxury. Heard that
they tell me the service is marvelous. Oh it is,
although I think they overdo it a little bit. They do. Yeah.
I didn't mind when the conductor send me Guardenias, but
(02:29):
when the porter tuck me in my berth and sang
rock a bye baby, I thought that was going too far.
And the candy vendor was he ritzy? He was, Yeah,
you should have heard him. He walked up and down
the aisle, yelling candy, peanuts, popcorn and annuities. I tell you, Harry,
it is positive tips. It rings just like it does
(02:52):
in Hollywood. A pardon hello? Who? No, I'm sorry, miss
Phil Harris didn't come to New York with me? What No?
I can't run home and get him. Goodbye. It's all
I've heard from every girl in town. Phil Harris? Is
you here? Where is he anyway? It looks like we
ought to have a lot of fun, not tonight, Herrey.
I don't whether you know it or not, but your boss,
(03:13):
Fred Allen is coming up here. He is. That's funny.
He told me he was going to an egg roll
an egg roll. Well, maybe that's what he thinks. This
is hi, a jack old boy. Welcome to New York.
Oh hello, Lyman, how are you? Little bo peep is here?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Well, says Jang. I want to thank you very much
for letting me be on your program tonight. It was
dog gone sweet of you, Yes it was. It was.
Please try and act like a gentleman tonight, not a gorilla.
Don't worry, Jack, I made up my mind to behave myself.
I'm a changed guy. Well that suits me, Abe, I'm
glad to hear it. Believe me, show you my heart's
in the right place. I've brought you a bouquet of flowers. Flowers. Hey,
(04:01):
wait a minute, Jack, drop that bouquet. Why, what's wrong?
I saw a put it torrentially in that a tarantula
while those things are dead, the Abe limon. That's positively
the worst thing I've ever heard of. Well, gee, I
only did it for a laugh. A laugh, what a
sense of humor. You're the kind of a guy who
would give your grandmother a hot foot. I do, and
she loves it, you and your practical jokes. Say, Harry,
(04:24):
you know what Lyman did to me last summer in Hollywood?
What I was nice enough to invite into my house
for the weekend and he put a shark in my
swimming pool? He did. I thought it was a rubber
one until I started missing toes. How do you like
that for a trick? That was one of my best gags. Yeah, well, look,
(04:47):
just a tender of music to night and keep away
from me whenever they come in. Oh, how do you do? Greetings?
Mister Benny. I don't think we've ever met before. My
name is Ripley. Oh, Bob Ripley. They believe it or not? Man, Well, well,
it was awfully nice of you had to drop in,
(05:09):
mister Ripley. What can I do for you? Well, Jack,
you know I'm always on the lookout for curiosities of
all times. Yes, yes, I I never missed your program
or your cartoons either. Well, what's on your mind? Well,
I would like to get a few angles on you
and your work as a curiosity. And oh, well, right ahead. Now, first,
(05:31):
is it true that when you make a picture you
wear a sober fuck to pay? Yes, but only on
special occasion. As a rule, I wear a subdued fright
with like J. C. Flippin's You know something? Now another thing? Uh,
you're a musician, aren't you? Well, yes, around Carnegie Hall,
(05:54):
I'm known as Yasha. Is it true that the strings
on your violin and we're made from the tail of
a wildcat who later committed suicide. Well, he didn't commit
suicide exactly, but he is wilder than ever. Now, Boba,
one more question, jack h. I understand that you were
(06:15):
recently chosen as one of the best best men in America?
Is that right? Yes, I cannot deny that. Well, is
that suit you're wearing now a sample of your taste
in clothes? Well, of course, don't go by this body.
See this is just a little lounging outfit, you know,
or you mean you took better if you were lying down.
(06:39):
He's an undertaker, I'll scream already. It isn't fair to
judge me by this suit, Bob, Really, miss Ruppy, you
love my soup and fish you cook too, I was
talking about my formal attire and any more question, no,
believe it or not, I think I've got about all
I need. Thanks very much, you're welcome. Oh would you
like a picture of me, mister Ripley? No, no, unless
(07:00):
you've got three arms? Goodbye, good bye. Well, well, Harry
Ripley seems to be an I mean, well, Harry Ripley
seems to be a nice staff. All of his questions
were rather embarrassing. Now what would I do? What would
(07:21):
I do with three arms? You could play your violin
and hold your nose at the same time. I could
also punch you in the eye area. Well, let's go
on with the show, and now, folks are conductor Abraham
Lyman will play What's it going to be a here.
It's written in this little book. Open it and read it.
Why don't you read it yourself? If I could read,
i'd get my own program. Oh oh that's right. Go ahead,
(07:43):
open the book. Okay, out my finger. I knew you'd
pull for that mouse staff gag, but I had to
come to New York for that. Now play your number,
leave me alone, Okay, hold it a minute, come in. Well, well,
how I old boy pleased to see you. See you're
a sorry. Well, believe me, it's like old times again. Yes, sir,
(08:04):
so you put them to wait. I'm just all a
little little You know this is rather embarrassing, but I
just can't seem to place you money. I can't please
you either. Goodbye, play phil or why don't I stay
home where I belong. It's a nice new number you
(10:08):
gave me for my New York appearance. Hallelujah played by Abeline.
I hate to admit it, ay, but it sounded all right, though.
Say your orchestra has changed a little. I see some
new faces in there. Yes, Jack, and I'd like to
have you meet some of the boys. This is my
first violinist, Mischie of the Munk. Oh, oh, hello, mische
I cut nice boy and Jack this is my piano player,
(10:30):
machine guns, Takowski? My what name Sabe? Who's that new
saxophone player over there? You mean Butch? Yes, yeh. I
noticed he was scribbling on a piece of paper all
during the last number. What was that for? Well? Every
month he has to write a letter to the parole board.
Well that's sweet of him to remember, Harry, that's a
(10:52):
nice bunch of boys, Abe has here. Yes they are Jack.
They all came in cave which they drove by the
way Jackson's I'm taking Don Wilson's place here? Is it
all right if I say my little piece?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Now?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Oh sure, Harry, I've been start of waiting for that.
Go right ahead, ladies and gentlemen. If you're looking for
an economical dessert, be sure and go to your nearest
grocer and ask for a package of Jello. For Heaven's sake,
Jello for years I've been It comes in six delicious
flavors strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, cherry and strawberry. Look what
(11:32):
happened to lemon and line? Yes, yes, lemon, lime, strawberry,
raspberry and cherry. Now orange has disappeared in there. Look
at what just just drop it, let it go, so
insist on genuine jello. Look for the big red letters
on the orange that's on the box. Or Don Wilson,
I'll Betty collapsed in front of his radio. Oh well,
(11:54):
thanks anyway, Harry, you tried. Well what do we do now? Jack? Well, Harry.
If I was in Hollywood right now doing this program,
about this time, Mary would walk in and say hello everybody. Hello,
Why Kate, Why Kate Smith, you little life saver.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
You.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
You know you couldn't have walked in at a more
opportune time. Am I glad to see you?
Speaker 3 (12:16):
And I'm glad to see you too, Jack. Are you
having a good time in New York?
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Oh? Wonderful? Really a swell Kate. You know Harry Bonzel,
don't you? Oh? Sure, Hello, Harry, glad to see you, Kate.
And this is our temporary maestro Abe Lyman.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Yes, I've met mister Lyman before.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Sure, Hello, Smithy, Hey, don't mind him. Katie's a little
on the rough side.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
You don't worry, Jack, We'll get along all right. Sit down, slack.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Well, I'm glad you're taking it the right way. I
must tell you how much I've enjoyed your programs, Kate,
They've been grand. Thank you Jack. And by the way,
Mary told me that as soon as I saw you,
to give you her love and a great big kid.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
How about Bill Harris?
Speaker 1 (12:58):
There you go just like the rest of no kidding? Kay?
Why do you? What do all you girls see? And Phil?
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Well he's handsome, charming swall debonair, debonair, Hey, where did
you learn that word?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
While I was reading a book one day and stub
my eye on it, I thought so well, anyway, Kate,
how about that kiss Mary wanted me to give you?
Come on, come on, none you left Benny all right?
You don't know what you're missing, you know, Kate, I'm
a leading man in Hollywood.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Well, i'll see you out there sometimes the day.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
You can always find me on Vine Street, right in
front of the Owl drugstore. Osday. I meant to tell
you Jack.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Mary sent me a letter yesterday and it was all
about you.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Do you want to hear it? Oh? No, don't bother?
Oh yes, I.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Want to read it till you please let me. It's
probably why will anyhow, don't thank me now, I'll read it.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Bonzelle, get here, on time.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
It reads, dear Kate, glad to hear that you're taking
my plate. But as this is the first time you've
ever worked with Jack, there are some things that every
girl should know.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
It starts out bad.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
If Jack asked you out to dinner and tells you
there's a marvelous floor show at the Automatic, don't fall
for it.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Isn't that awful.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
However, if you do go out to a night club
with Jack and he asks you to dance with him,
say no, as he'll want to roll up his pants and.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Do the minuet. That's very comical.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
Give my love to all, and I'll be sitting in
front of my radio waiting for your song.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Well that's a sweet ending anyway. Okay, if you are
going to sing a number for us, aren't you? You? Bet?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I am?
Speaker 3 (14:33):
Would you like to hear this time it's real?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yes, sir abe give miss Smith a melodious background with
feeling harmony and nice smooth rhythm. You mean I should
be debonair? Yes, and tell your guitar player to put
his shoes on sing Kate debonair.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yet was a fool, knew nothing way love was concerned.
(15:14):
I'm through with all confusion for not.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Love.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
I know it, I know.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
It this time three it's thrilling, so thrilling for wy
love before the.
Speaker 5 (15:53):
Difference I just laid upon.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
But this time it comes.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Ride from home, pretending, defending.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
This home free forever theever, Oh will ready we walking
(16:38):
only when they turn the wee. I know it.
Speaker 5 (16:53):
I feeling Oh three, I know, I know it's.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Time forever and ever I will reb we will look
me on when they can the wee know it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I really.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Best time that's real. Sung by Kate Smith, accompanied by
Debonair and his orchestra. I must say that you're saying
just as good for jello as you do for calium
at baking powder and Swan's down Kate Flower, Yeah, I
got them both in there, didn't I? We did? You know? Kate?
I would like to reciprocate in some way. And there's
anything I can do for you while I'm in town.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Oh no, Jack, thanks just to say it.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You've been so sweet? Okay, really, I insist.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Well, all right, if it'll make you any happier, you
can buy me a nice erman rap.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Well I'll do that, I will. And now hey, wait
a minute, you mean reelerman?
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Well of course, Jack.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Well, Kate, i'd run right out and buy you one,
except today is Sunday and every place is closed. I
can get one of my boys open. As for you.
Quiet anyway, don't worry about it, Kate. I'll make up
for this some way. Pardon me, Hello, Hollywood call him? Yeah,
this is Jack Benny, I'll take it. Hello. Oh, hello, Kenny,
(19:18):
it's Kenny Baker. Well, Kenny, how are you kid? What? No,
she's not taking your place? Look at Kate Smith is
a star on her own program. What why doesn't she
stay on it? Now, Kenny? I'm sorry, Kate. I listen, Kenny.
I don't want to discuss it with you any further.
I'll see you when I get home. Why, yes, yes,
(19:42):
I'll bring you well not hang up? Goodbye? What a kid?
What does he want? Jack with a little copycat? He
wants an ermine wrap too. I hope what he said
didn't offend you, Kate.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
No, I think he's one of the cutest little brats
in the world.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, listen, Jack Man.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
I'd like to stay longer, but really I must run
long now. I want to say thanks very much for
inviting me up here.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Well, it's been an honest to goodness Street Now I'll
never forget it. Lean and mister Penry, were you looking
for me? Yes, Rochester, just a minute. Goodbye, Kate, and
thanks again so much.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Along Jack, good luck and it's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Thank you well, Roch. I haven't seen you since we
got off the train four days ago. Where were you?
I've been weekending up in Harlem. We had a gin
bot at you. Fine. I had to do all my
(20:37):
own unpacking. What do you think I brought you along for?
You didn't say you're supposed to be working for me,
and you spend all your time in Harlem. Suppose you
went to all the hotspots. There ain't no coolings there.
Never mind. I look, Rochester, go right over to the
Waldorf air Story and straighten up my suite. Did you
move from the wyms in Rochester? I just went there
(21:02):
for a swim. I run along, okay, Oh oh boss.
I'm having a little financial recession. I say, I wonder
if I could have an advance on my salary. The
guy already gave you an advance. I want something in
advance of them. All right, here's five dollars. Could you
(21:22):
could you elevate that to eight fifty eight fifty What
for I promised to buy my gallow sun lamb. All right,
here you are, I'd all forget Rochester. I'll forget. We're
leaving tuesday, so I'll be sure and be up at
the hotel and come in. Well, look who's here? Come
(21:45):
on in, Fred All I need me and two ass friends.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm, sir, certainly surprised to
see so many of you in here tonight. It's not
raining outside, is it now? It's not raining, Fred. These
(22:07):
people are all here to see me, and you're not
giving away dishes or anything. Christ Benny, Now, sir, it's
just me. Now, look, Jack, you couldn't draw a crowd
as big as this if you were a gutter on
New Year's Eave. Oh I couldn't they with running water.
I'll throw that whistle bread. You're here the works, or
(22:29):
take off your coat and let's go. Now, wait a minute, Jack,
before we start this punching Benny show. There's something we've
got to straighten out right now. What's that? Bred? I'm
not going to open my mouth on this program except
to yawn until you give me what you promised me
last week. But I promised you know, now, don't play
possum Benny. Hand over that boy scout knife. Oh yes,
(22:55):
I knew you'd remember that. All right, here it is.
Wait till I take the chain off. I want the knife,
ain't and everything that goes with it. I suppose you
even want this elks to No, you can put that
back in your mouth. Oh, here's the knife, Fred, take
it and consider our deal close. Now, wait a minute,
you're not rushing me into this thing. Let me see
if there's knife in good condition. There's the big blade,
(23:17):
there's a corkscrewsing fingernail file, there's the ping pong paddle
bottle up. Hey, what's this thing here? That's a folding bed.
Are you satisfied? Well, I guess it's all right. But well, Jack,
my mood change is here. Yeah, coming in the mood.
Now have you have you been having a good time
(23:37):
in New York? Have you seen any of the shows
or anything? Yes, Fred, I saw the Ed Wind show
that was well. I saw George m. Cohen show that
was brand and then I saw your picture. My mood
change is here. Well, well there wasn't a nass on
(24:02):
that well, he asked, Well, what about it. Nothing, fred A, wait,
but if you got faid for that picture, and I
think you did, you just flip fifty to fifty with
Santa Claus. First time I ever saw a radio comedian
who is his own studio audience. Listen, Jacket, joy, if
(24:28):
you were a fine time I go on the Frase show,
I didn't get on at all. Now here's the second
when I'm just creeping in at the finish. Here, liten, jack.
If you're referring to my of that screen triumph, Sally,
Irene and Allan, that picture is funnier than Don Wilson
thinks you are. That's so you're jealous. That's it. So
do you ever hear yourself? Enjoy? You? Oh? Jealous? Why
(24:50):
I made a picture last year called Artison Models was
a sensation? I got eighty five belly lamb. I'll say
you did. You should have pulled in your stomach too.
My stomach I had nothing to do with it was
my performance at least I photographed. Well, Oh, I suppose
I didn't. Listen, fred, I saw a sweet steak winner
and a news reel yesterday that looked better than you did,
(25:10):
and he was selling fish at the time. Well, you
put me in a picture with a face, and now
steal a picture too. Artists and models? What were you
in that set, you, Lloyd Omelet? An artist or a model?
I was an easel? Smarty an easel? Yes, how can
the weasel play an easel? Now listen, Fred, shall I
slash him down? Mister Benny? Never mind Rochester. I'll wait
(25:31):
a minute. Who is this swarmy here? Swarmmy? I'm mister
Benny's butler. Hey, well listen to me, you nougateen jeeves.
One more word out of you and you'll be buckling
in a shroud. Don't let them scare your Rochester. I skin,
that's the stuff. Wait a minute, what is a shroud?
A shroud? My untutored friend is a windbreaker for a go? Oh, mick,
(25:55):
wait for cows, Rochester. You see Fred? Now'll probably have
to get a new Hello. Well, Harry Vonzel, what are
you doing in the enemy camp? So I came here
to help Jack out tonight he needed an announcer. Oh
is he going to pay you? Certainly not. He's doing
it as a paper. Of course. I will buy him
a neck tie or something. What do you mean something?
Something cheaper and shut up, I thought so, Benny, you're
(26:19):
so tight. You've not only got the first dolly you
ever earned, you've got the guys right arm who handed
it to you. Well, it was loose. Let me tell
you something, Alan, Hey, Fie don Fellas. You're upsetting me?
Are we bother? Yeah? Why don't you two guys beat Debonair? Hey?
If you say Debonair once more, I'm going to ask
(26:40):
you what it means. How will you know if his
answer is correct? Don't worry about me. I know plenty
of big words. I've got words I could cut in
halves and you wouldn't understand either half of How look
you look? You I tinnerant buffalo. The only big word
(27:01):
you know is your right name. Well, if I did
reduce it a little, my right name wasn't so long.
It wasn't why your name was so long. It used
to take fifteen minutes to write it in short hand,
and then they had to send the pencil over to
the Mayo brothers for relaxation. You should talk when you
weren't Boordaville. They had to put your right name on
a rubber marquis. Now that's Bulcaney's slander, Benny, why you
(27:23):
weather beaten gargoyle on there is to be I'll throw
you out of here so fast you look like a
jockey on a skyrocket. Now that's enough, Benny. One more
crack and I'll hit you on top of your head
so hard you'll think your feet up bookends for your head.
I'm glad you're loust that one up. I'm taking my
(27:49):
boy scout knife and getting out it here. Oh, LA's fine,
thanks for coming over your car, Old Buddha after your walk,
he can walk you. I'm nice enough to and bite
them off here? And what do I get? Hey? Jack?
(28:11):
What are today? Here's your knife? Back my knife? How'd
you get away from allem? My fruit? Player pumped in doom?
Oh boy, that's marvelous thing you want to watch too?
Never mind playo Oh it only cling touch to a
good meal? Is they desert? The happy ending? Well, that's
where jello comes in. The happy ending for any meal.
(28:32):
For jello looks so festive and they's so delicious. It
makes the ideal dessert for rendiocas. And jello is quick
and easy to prepare, serve it perfectly plain. If you
like a clear, glowing mold of jello, or garniship with
whipped cream, fruit or nutmeats. It's grand no matter how
you're servant. But remember only Jello brings you that delicious,
extra rich fruit flavor, so don't accept any substitutes. Get
(28:55):
the real thing, the one and only genuine Jello. The
last number of the twenty six program in the New
Jello Series With You will again next Sunday night at
the same time, broadcasting from Hollywood, California. I want to
thank Harry Vonzel, Bob Ripley, Kate Smith, Abe Lyman, and
Fred Allen for their cooperation. It was a grand gesture.
And now folks come in. Mister Benny. Yes it's a
(29:17):
program over yet, Just say, how did you get to
New York anyhow? I flew in. I hope I land
pretty soon. Oh good night, doll. This is the National
Broadcasting Company.
Okay. The Jello Program starring Jack Penny with a Plymon
and his orchestra, coming to you from Radio City, New York.
The orchestra opens the program with I doubledare you. There's
(00:28):
a change in the Jello program tonight. It comes to
you from New York instead of Hollywood. But there's no
change in Jello with its six delicious flavors. Tello is
always good wherever you have it, New York or Hollywood,
North or South. At home or in a restaurant, you
can count Onzello to beat tops in goodness every time
Cortello brings you that special extra rich fruit flavor. A
(00:49):
flavor is delicious as the fresh ripe fruit itself. That's
why Jello six flavors are tempting and refreshing. All six
colors are bright and gay. Just be sure to get
genuine jello when you buy. Look for the big red
letters on the box. Base fell Jello that was by
(01:25):
doubled Air you played via the orchestram. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we bring you a man who traveled all the way
from California to New York, that gypsy of the airwaves,
Jack Ferny, Thank you, Thank you, very much. You lo again,
this is a Jack Benny. You're a little nomad talking
(01:45):
and Harry Vanzell, I want to tell you right now
how much I appreciate you're helping me out tonight. It's
a grand gesture. Oh, don't mention it, Jack. I only
hope I'll be able to fill down Wilson's shoes. What
is that I said? I hope I can fill down
Wilson's shoe. Oh you can, Harry, you can, but don't
ever get into his pants without a comfass. You should
(02:06):
see that guy. We'll tell me Jack, what kind of
a trip did you have in New York? Did you?
Did you fly in? No, Harry, I took one of
those new Screamline trains, and believe me, they are classy.
I mean they're the last word in luxury. Heard that
they tell me the service is marvelous. Oh it is,
although I think they overdo it a little bit. They do. Yeah.
I didn't mind when the conductor send me Guardenias, but
(02:29):
when the porter tuck me in my berth and sang
rock a bye baby, I thought that was going too far.
And the candy vendor was he ritzy? He was, Yeah,
you should have heard him. He walked up and down
the aisle, yelling candy, peanuts, popcorn and annuities. I tell you, Harry,
it is positive tips. It rings just like it does
(02:52):
in Hollywood. A pardon hello? Who? No, I'm sorry, miss
Phil Harris didn't come to New York with me? What No?
I can't run home and get him. Goodbye. It's all
I've heard from every girl in town. Phil Harris? Is
you here? Where is he anyway? It looks like we
ought to have a lot of fun, not tonight, Herrey.
I don't whether you know it or not, but your boss,
(03:13):
Fred Allen is coming up here. He is. That's funny.
He told me he was going to an egg roll
an egg roll. Well, maybe that's what he thinks. This
is hi, a jack old boy. Welcome to New York.
Oh hello, Lyman, how are you? Little bo peep is here?
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Well, says Jang. I want to thank you very much
for letting me be on your program tonight. It was
dog gone sweet of you, Yes it was. It was.
Please try and act like a gentleman tonight, not a gorilla.
Don't worry, Jack, I made up my mind to behave myself.
I'm a changed guy. Well that suits me, Abe, I'm
glad to hear it. Believe me, show you my heart's
in the right place. I've brought you a bouquet of flowers. Flowers. Hey,
(04:01):
wait a minute, Jack, drop that bouquet. Why, what's wrong?
I saw a put it torrentially in that a tarantula
while those things are dead, the Abe limon. That's positively
the worst thing I've ever heard of. Well, gee, I
only did it for a laugh. A laugh, what a
sense of humor. You're the kind of a guy who
would give your grandmother a hot foot. I do, and
she loves it, you and your practical jokes. Say, Harry,
(04:24):
you know what Lyman did to me last summer in Hollywood?
What I was nice enough to invite into my house
for the weekend and he put a shark in my
swimming pool? He did. I thought it was a rubber
one until I started missing toes. How do you like
that for a trick? That was one of my best gags. Yeah, well, look,
(04:47):
just a tender of music to night and keep away
from me whenever they come in. Oh, how do you do? Greetings?
Mister Benny. I don't think we've ever met before. My
name is Ripley. Oh, Bob Ripley. They believe it or not? Man, Well, well,
it was awfully nice of you had to drop in,
(05:09):
mister Ripley. What can I do for you? Well, Jack,
you know I'm always on the lookout for curiosities of
all times. Yes, yes, I I never missed your program
or your cartoons either. Well, what's on your mind? Well,
I would like to get a few angles on you
and your work as a curiosity. And oh, well, right ahead. Now, first,
(05:31):
is it true that when you make a picture you
wear a sober fuck to pay? Yes, but only on
special occasion. As a rule, I wear a subdued fright
with like J. C. Flippin's You know something? Now another thing? Uh,
you're a musician, aren't you? Well, yes, around Carnegie Hall,
(05:54):
I'm known as Yasha. Is it true that the strings
on your violin and we're made from the tail of
a wildcat who later committed suicide. Well, he didn't commit
suicide exactly, but he is wilder than ever. Now, Boba,
one more question, jack h. I understand that you were
(06:15):
recently chosen as one of the best best men in America?
Is that right? Yes, I cannot deny that. Well, is
that suit you're wearing now a sample of your taste
in clothes? Well, of course, don't go by this body.
See this is just a little lounging outfit, you know,
or you mean you took better if you were lying down.
(06:39):
He's an undertaker, I'll scream already. It isn't fair to
judge me by this suit, Bob, Really, miss Ruppy, you
love my soup and fish you cook too, I was
talking about my formal attire and any more question, no,
believe it or not, I think I've got about all
I need. Thanks very much, you're welcome. Oh would you
like a picture of me, mister Ripley? No, no, unless
(07:00):
you've got three arms? Goodbye, good bye. Well, well, Harry
Ripley seems to be an I mean, well, Harry Ripley
seems to be a nice staff. All of his questions
were rather embarrassing. Now what would I do? What would
(07:21):
I do with three arms? You could play your violin
and hold your nose at the same time. I could
also punch you in the eye area. Well, let's go
on with the show, and now, folks are conductor Abraham
Lyman will play What's it going to be a here.
It's written in this little book. Open it and read it.
Why don't you read it yourself? If I could read,
i'd get my own program. Oh oh that's right. Go ahead,
(07:43):
open the book. Okay, out my finger. I knew you'd
pull for that mouse staff gag, but I had to
come to New York for that. Now play your number,
leave me alone, Okay, hold it a minute, come in. Well, well,
how I old boy pleased to see you. See you're
a sorry. Well, believe me, it's like old times again. Yes, sir,
(08:04):
so you put them to wait. I'm just all a
little little You know this is rather embarrassing, but I
just can't seem to place you money. I can't please
you either. Goodbye, play phil or why don't I stay
home where I belong. It's a nice new number you
(10:08):
gave me for my New York appearance. Hallelujah played by Abeline.
I hate to admit it, ay, but it sounded all right, though.
Say your orchestra has changed a little. I see some
new faces in there. Yes, Jack, and I'd like to
have you meet some of the boys. This is my
first violinist, Mischie of the Munk. Oh, oh, hello, mische
I cut nice boy and Jack this is my piano player,
(10:30):
machine guns, Takowski? My what name Sabe? Who's that new
saxophone player over there? You mean Butch? Yes, yeh. I
noticed he was scribbling on a piece of paper all
during the last number. What was that for? Well? Every
month he has to write a letter to the parole board.
Well that's sweet of him to remember, Harry, that's a
(10:52):
nice bunch of boys, Abe has here. Yes they are Jack.
They all came in cave which they drove by the
way Jackson's I'm taking Don Wilson's place here? Is it
all right if I say my little piece?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Now?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Oh sure, Harry, I've been start of waiting for that.
Go right ahead, ladies and gentlemen. If you're looking for
an economical dessert, be sure and go to your nearest
grocer and ask for a package of Jello. For Heaven's sake,
Jello for years I've been It comes in six delicious
flavors strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, cherry and strawberry. Look what
(11:32):
happened to lemon and line? Yes, yes, lemon, lime, strawberry,
raspberry and cherry. Now orange has disappeared in there. Look
at what just just drop it, let it go, so
insist on genuine jello. Look for the big red letters
on the orange that's on the box. Or Don Wilson,
I'll Betty collapsed in front of his radio. Oh well,
(11:54):
thanks anyway, Harry, you tried. Well what do we do now? Jack? Well, Harry.
If I was in Hollywood right now doing this program,
about this time, Mary would walk in and say hello everybody. Hello,
Why Kate, Why Kate Smith, you little life saver.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
You.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
You know you couldn't have walked in at a more
opportune time. Am I glad to see you?
Speaker 3 (12:16):
And I'm glad to see you too, Jack. Are you
having a good time in New York?
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Oh? Wonderful? Really a swell Kate. You know Harry Bonzel,
don't you? Oh? Sure, Hello, Harry, glad to see you, Kate.
And this is our temporary maestro Abe Lyman.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Yes, I've met mister Lyman before.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Sure, Hello, Smithy, Hey, don't mind him. Katie's a little
on the rough side.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
You don't worry, Jack, We'll get along all right. Sit down, slack.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Well, I'm glad you're taking it the right way. I
must tell you how much I've enjoyed your programs, Kate,
They've been grand. Thank you Jack. And by the way,
Mary told me that as soon as I saw you,
to give you her love and a great big kid.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
How about Bill Harris?
Speaker 1 (12:58):
There you go just like the rest of no kidding? Kay?
Why do you? What do all you girls see? And Phil?
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Well he's handsome, charming swall debonair, debonair, Hey, where did
you learn that word?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
While I was reading a book one day and stub
my eye on it, I thought so well, anyway, Kate,
how about that kiss Mary wanted me to give you?
Come on, come on, none you left Benny all right?
You don't know what you're missing, you know, Kate, I'm
a leading man in Hollywood.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Well, i'll see you out there sometimes the day.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
You can always find me on Vine Street, right in
front of the Owl drugstore. Osday. I meant to tell
you Jack.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
Mary sent me a letter yesterday and it was all
about you.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Do you want to hear it? Oh? No, don't bother?
Oh yes, I.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
Want to read it till you please let me. It's
probably why will anyhow, don't thank me now, I'll read it.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Bonzelle, get here, on time.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
It reads, dear Kate, glad to hear that you're taking
my plate. But as this is the first time you've
ever worked with Jack, there are some things that every
girl should know.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
It starts out bad.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
If Jack asked you out to dinner and tells you
there's a marvelous floor show at the Automatic, don't fall
for it.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Isn't that awful.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
However, if you do go out to a night club
with Jack and he asks you to dance with him,
say no, as he'll want to roll up his pants and.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Do the minuet. That's very comical.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
Give my love to all, and I'll be sitting in
front of my radio waiting for your song.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Well that's a sweet ending anyway. Okay, if you are
going to sing a number for us, aren't you? You? Bet?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I am?
Speaker 3 (14:33):
Would you like to hear this time it's real?
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yes, sir abe give miss Smith a melodious background with
feeling harmony and nice smooth rhythm. You mean I should
be debonair? Yes, and tell your guitar player to put
his shoes on sing Kate debonair.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Yet was a fool, knew nothing way love was concerned.
(15:14):
I'm through with all confusion for not.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Love.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
I know it, I know.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
It this time three it's thrilling, so thrilling for wy
love before the.
Speaker 5 (15:53):
Difference I just laid upon.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
But this time it comes.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Ride from home, pretending, defending.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
This home free forever theever, Oh will ready we walking
(16:38):
only when they turn the wee. I know it.
Speaker 5 (16:53):
I feeling Oh three, I know, I know it's.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Time forever and ever I will reb we will look
me on when they can the wee know it.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
I really.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Best time that's real. Sung by Kate Smith, accompanied by
Debonair and his orchestra. I must say that you're saying
just as good for jello as you do for calium
at baking powder and Swan's down Kate Flower, Yeah, I
got them both in there, didn't I? We did? You know? Kate?
I would like to reciprocate in some way. And there's
anything I can do for you while I'm in town.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Oh no, Jack, thanks just to say it.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
You've been so sweet? Okay, really, I insist.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Well, all right, if it'll make you any happier, you
can buy me a nice erman rap.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
Well I'll do that, I will. And now hey, wait
a minute, you mean reelerman?
Speaker 3 (18:52):
Well of course, Jack.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Well, Kate, i'd run right out and buy you one,
except today is Sunday and every place is closed. I
can get one of my boys open. As for you.
Quiet anyway, don't worry about it, Kate. I'll make up
for this some way. Pardon me, Hello, Hollywood call him? Yeah,
this is Jack Benny, I'll take it. Hello. Oh, hello, Kenny,
(19:18):
it's Kenny Baker. Well, Kenny, how are you kid? What? No,
she's not taking your place? Look at Kate Smith is
a star on her own program. What why doesn't she
stay on it? Now, Kenny? I'm sorry, Kate. I listen, Kenny.
I don't want to discuss it with you any further.
I'll see you when I get home. Why, yes, yes,
(19:42):
I'll bring you well not hang up? Goodbye? What a kid?
What does he want? Jack with a little copycat? He
wants an ermine wrap too. I hope what he said
didn't offend you, Kate.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
No, I think he's one of the cutest little brats
in the world.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, listen, Jack Man.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
I'd like to stay longer, but really I must run
long now. I want to say thanks very much for
inviting me up here.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Well, it's been an honest to goodness Street Now I'll
never forget it. Lean and mister Penry, were you looking
for me? Yes, Rochester, just a minute. Goodbye, Kate, and
thanks again so much.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
Along Jack, good luck and it's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
Thank you well, Roch. I haven't seen you since we
got off the train four days ago. Where were you?
I've been weekending up in Harlem. We had a gin
bot at you. Fine. I had to do all my
(20:37):
own unpacking. What do you think I brought you along for?
You didn't say you're supposed to be working for me,
and you spend all your time in Harlem. Suppose you
went to all the hotspots. There ain't no coolings there.
Never mind. I look, Rochester, go right over to the
Waldorf air Story and straighten up my suite. Did you
move from the wyms in Rochester? I just went there
(21:02):
for a swim. I run along, okay, Oh oh boss.
I'm having a little financial recession. I say, I wonder
if I could have an advance on my salary. The
guy already gave you an advance. I want something in
advance of them. All right, here's five dollars. Could you
(21:22):
could you elevate that to eight fifty eight fifty What
for I promised to buy my gallow sun lamb. All right,
here you are, I'd all forget Rochester. I'll forget. We're
leaving tuesday, so I'll be sure and be up at
the hotel and come in. Well, look who's here? Come
(21:45):
on in, Fred All I need me and two ass friends.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm, sir, certainly surprised to
see so many of you in here tonight. It's not
raining outside, is it now? It's not raining, Fred. These
(22:07):
people are all here to see me, and you're not
giving away dishes or anything. Christ Benny, Now, sir, it's
just me. Now, look, Jack, you couldn't draw a crowd
as big as this if you were a gutter on
New Year's Eave. Oh I couldn't they with running water.
I'll throw that whistle bread. You're here the works, or
(22:29):
take off your coat and let's go. Now, wait a minute, Jack,
before we start this punching Benny show. There's something we've
got to straighten out right now. What's that? Bred? I'm
not going to open my mouth on this program except
to yawn until you give me what you promised me
last week. But I promised you know, now, don't play
possum Benny. Hand over that boy scout knife. Oh yes,
(22:55):
I knew you'd remember that. All right, here it is.
Wait till I take the chain off. I want the knife,
ain't and everything that goes with it. I suppose you
even want this elks to No, you can put that
back in your mouth. Oh, here's the knife, Fred, take
it and consider our deal close. Now, wait a minute,
you're not rushing me into this thing. Let me see
if there's knife in good condition. There's the big blade,
(23:17):
there's a corkscrewsing fingernail file, there's the ping pong paddle
bottle up. Hey, what's this thing here? That's a folding bed.
Are you satisfied? Well, I guess it's all right. But well, Jack,
my mood change is here. Yeah, coming in the mood.
Now have you have you been having a good time
(23:37):
in New York? Have you seen any of the shows
or anything? Yes, Fred, I saw the Ed Wind show
that was well. I saw George m. Cohen show that
was brand and then I saw your picture. My mood
change is here. Well, well there wasn't a nass on
(24:02):
that well, he asked, Well, what about it. Nothing, fred A, wait,
but if you got faid for that picture, and I
think you did, you just flip fifty to fifty with
Santa Claus. First time I ever saw a radio comedian
who is his own studio audience. Listen, Jacket, joy, if
(24:28):
you were a fine time I go on the Frase show,
I didn't get on at all. Now here's the second
when I'm just creeping in at the finish. Here, liten, jack.
If you're referring to my of that screen triumph, Sally,
Irene and Allan, that picture is funnier than Don Wilson
thinks you are. That's so you're jealous. That's it. So
do you ever hear yourself? Enjoy? You? Oh? Jealous? Why
(24:50):
I made a picture last year called Artison Models was
a sensation? I got eighty five belly lamb. I'll say
you did. You should have pulled in your stomach too.
My stomach I had nothing to do with it was
my performance at least I photographed. Well, Oh, I suppose
I didn't. Listen, fred, I saw a sweet steak winner
and a news reel yesterday that looked better than you did,
(25:10):
and he was selling fish at the time. Well, you
put me in a picture with a face, and now
steal a picture too. Artists and models? What were you
in that set, you, Lloyd Omelet? An artist or a model?
I was an easel? Smarty an easel? Yes, how can
the weasel play an easel? Now listen, Fred, shall I
slash him down? Mister Benny? Never mind Rochester. I'll wait
(25:31):
a minute. Who is this swarmy here? Swarmmy? I'm mister
Benny's butler. Hey, well listen to me, you nougateen jeeves.
One more word out of you and you'll be buckling
in a shroud. Don't let them scare your Rochester. I skin,
that's the stuff. Wait a minute, what is a shroud?
A shroud? My untutored friend is a windbreaker for a go? Oh, mick,
(25:55):
wait for cows, Rochester. You see Fred? Now'll probably have
to get a new Hello. Well, Harry Vonzel, what are
you doing in the enemy camp? So I came here
to help Jack out tonight he needed an announcer. Oh
is he going to pay you? Certainly not. He's doing
it as a paper. Of course. I will buy him
a neck tie or something. What do you mean something?
Something cheaper and shut up, I thought so, Benny, you're
(26:19):
so tight. You've not only got the first dolly you
ever earned, you've got the guys right arm who handed
it to you. Well, it was loose. Let me tell
you something, Alan, Hey, Fie don Fellas. You're upsetting me?
Are we bother? Yeah? Why don't you two guys beat Debonair? Hey?
If you say Debonair once more, I'm going to ask
(26:40):
you what it means. How will you know if his
answer is correct? Don't worry about me. I know plenty
of big words. I've got words I could cut in
halves and you wouldn't understand either half of How look
you look? You I tinnerant buffalo. The only big word
(27:01):
you know is your right name. Well, if I did
reduce it a little, my right name wasn't so long.
It wasn't why your name was so long. It used
to take fifteen minutes to write it in short hand,
and then they had to send the pencil over to
the Mayo brothers for relaxation. You should talk when you
weren't Boordaville. They had to put your right name on
a rubber marquis. Now that's Bulcaney's slander, Benny, why you
(27:23):
weather beaten gargoyle on there is to be I'll throw
you out of here so fast you look like a
jockey on a skyrocket. Now that's enough, Benny. One more
crack and I'll hit you on top of your head
so hard you'll think your feet up bookends for your head.
I'm glad you're loust that one up. I'm taking my
(27:49):
boy scout knife and getting out it here. Oh, LA's fine,
thanks for coming over your car, Old Buddha after your walk,
he can walk you. I'm nice enough to and bite
them off here? And what do I get? Hey? Jack?
(28:11):
What are today? Here's your knife? Back my knife? How'd
you get away from allem? My fruit? Player pumped in doom?
Oh boy, that's marvelous thing you want to watch too?
Never mind playo Oh it only cling touch to a
good meal? Is they desert? The happy ending? Well, that's
where jello comes in. The happy ending for any meal.
(28:32):
For jello looks so festive and they's so delicious. It
makes the ideal dessert for rendiocas. And jello is quick
and easy to prepare, serve it perfectly plain. If you
like a clear, glowing mold of jello, or garniship with
whipped cream, fruit or nutmeats. It's grand no matter how
you're servant. But remember only Jello brings you that delicious,
extra rich fruit flavor, so don't accept any substitutes. Get
(28:55):
the real thing, the one and only genuine Jello. The
last number of the twenty six program in the New
Jello Series With You will again next Sunday night at
the same time, broadcasting from Hollywood, California. I want to
thank Harry Vonzel, Bob Ripley, Kate Smith, Abe Lyman, and
Fred Allen for their cooperation. It was a grand gesture.
And now folks come in. Mister Benny. Yes it's a
(29:17):
program over yet, Just say, how did you get to
New York anyhow? I flew in. I hope I land
pretty soon. Oh good night, doll. This is the National
Broadcasting Company.
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