August 17, 2025 • 23 mins
A legendary variety show blending witty monologues, comic sketches, and musical interludes, all anchored by the impeccable timing of its beloved host. It’s a masterclass in comedic timing.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Jack Benny Program.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Barring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester and
Yours truly, Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Since Jack has been in television, he wants to keep
his weight down. At the moment, he's at his home
in Beverly Hills and a steam cabinet, trying to reduce Rochester.
I can stand in a little hotter, turn up the
steam with you. Yes, that's enough, not too hot. Hey,
I'm glad I bought this steam cabinet. How long have
(00:50):
I been in here?
Speaker 4 (00:51):
About ten minutes? I hope you're not taking too much?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Well, what does the instructions say?
Speaker 5 (00:56):
Let's see, I'll read him. Man up to twenty years
old stay in the cabinet.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Not more than a half hour a half hour.
Speaker 5 (01:03):
Men up to twenty five years no more than twenty minutes,
twenty minutes. Men up to thirty years of age, no
more than fifteen minutes.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Fifteen men up to what am mm mm about?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
According to this charge, I should have just dipped in
like a tea bag.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Oh stop, she's awfully hot in this cabinet. I think
I'll get out.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
I better not open it for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Why haven't I had enough?
Speaker 4 (01:34):
Yeah, but the potatoes aren't done you.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Oh darn it.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Don't blame me, boss. It was your own idea. As
long as we had to heat, you didn't want to
waste it. Well, what a time I had talking you
out of holding that leg of lamb on your lap.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I was just trying to condomize that though. Anyway, it's
too hot, open it up with I'm getting out, Yes, sir,
h she's good to get out of here.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Oh, I'm afraid that he was on a little too high.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Why am I red posse?
Speaker 4 (02:08):
If you had a pitchfork in your hand, you'd scare
me to this.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Well, I feel fine. Haven me my role Rochester, Yes, sir,
I'll get it. Hello, Hello Jack, Hello Mary Jack.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
The reason I called is it Wednesday?
Speaker 6 (02:25):
I'm giving a little party at my house and I
want to know if you can come.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Well, certainly, Mary, Thanks? Who else are you having?
Speaker 6 (02:31):
Well, I'm going to ask the whole cast of our show,
your producer, your writers, and also you're my writers.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, I thought you might like to have them there.
Speaker 6 (02:40):
Why you want to be the life of the party,
don't you?
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Oh? Yes, yes, they are funny looking. Well, I better
hang up.
Speaker 6 (02:51):
I've got a lot of people to call.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Bye jazz along marrying thanks a Rochester. Next Wednesday night,
Miss Livingston is giving a party, so I won't Rochester, Rochester.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
Here I am, boss.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Where were you?
Speaker 4 (03:03):
I heard the postman? So I went to get the mail.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Oh what came?
Speaker 4 (03:07):
Just some bills Circular and your copy of Look magazine.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Oh, let me see it? In Rochester, Rochester. There's a
picture of you and me on the cover, on.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
The cover of Look.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Let me see it, boss, Yeah, what are you laughing at?
Speaker 5 (03:22):
I bet I'm the only man in the world who
ever had his picture on the cover of a magazine
and couldn't afford to buy it.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Oh you do all right?
Speaker 4 (03:34):
I don't know. I just bought a toothbrush installment.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Plan in tallment. What would that mean? Well, that's not
my fault if you saved your Rochester to see who
that is? While I finished getting dressed, Yes.
Speaker 7 (03:50):
Sir, shooting beguards with the pleasure to greet such a
fine rock of a lad on this day, the nights
of which I haven't seen in years.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
How do you do? How do you do? Who is
at Rochester?
Speaker 4 (04:04):
A mister ketsel.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, who is it sure?
Speaker 7 (04:10):
Into the son of the outside himself? Dennis Patrick Halla wishes.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Jeremiah McNulty r James. Oh, come on in, Dennis, and
look kid, Tomorrow is Saint Patricks Day? Aren't you a
little early with your bro?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
No, I'm practicing. I'll have to talk like this all
day tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
You have to talk like that all day. Yeah you don't.
Speaker 7 (04:29):
They rip off your shamrock, take a Shilleley and break
all your Morton Downey records.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Oh you know, Dennis, I've always thought that Saint Patrick's
Day comes at the wrong time of the year.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yeah, what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Well, how can March seventeenth be dedicated to the wearing
of the Green when only two days before the government
takes it all away from you? Now, Dennis, let's stop talking.
Just let me hear the song you're gonna do on
the program, Yes, sir, call it Kain.
Speaker 6 (04:59):
Hello, Hello Jack, This is Mary again.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Oh what is it? Mary? Well?
Speaker 6 (05:02):
I call Dennis's house to invite him to my party,
and his mother told me he's at your house.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Is he there? Yes, Dennis, Mary wants you on the phone.
Speaker 7 (05:10):
Yeah, these dames, they won't let me alone.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Never mind, just talk.
Speaker 6 (05:14):
To her, Yes, sir, Hello Mary. Hello, Dennis. Look, I'm
having a party on Wednesday night.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Would you like to come on Wednesday?
Speaker 8 (05:21):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (05:22):
Do you mind if I bring my neighbor Hetty Lamar?
Speaker 3 (05:25):
Your neighbor, Hetty Lamar?
Speaker 6 (05:27):
Yeah, Dennis, I happen to know Hetty Lamar lives in
Bennedict Canyon and you live in Westwood.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Oh yeah, Hetty Lamar's house is right next to mine.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Since when ever? Since the rain? All right, Dennis, bring.
Speaker 6 (05:43):
Anyone who floats by?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Gee?
Speaker 7 (05:46):
Thanks Mary, goodbye bye, say mister Benny. When I go
to Mary's party, I'm gonna bring.
Speaker 6 (05:53):
Hello, Dennis, I forgot to tell you something. What don't
drive jack nuts? Just sing your song, okay, Dennis?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Quiet, I'm gonna sing.
Speaker 8 (06:03):
Oh why.
Speaker 9 (06:20):
Rubber London Harry bird it?
Speaker 10 (06:26):
Well, maybe he's bringing me a cheering world. Why he
robreez Horriver Sharnon breeze.
Speaker 11 (06:42):
It Well, maybe it's followed me across the sea, then me, Oh,
earthings in clock On? Is that little Brooks still leaving there?
Speaker 10 (07:12):
Does it still run down to Johnny Cole through Killie Bay,
kill every and.
Speaker 12 (07:20):
Kill day.
Speaker 11 (07:22):
Our things in Clockoma? Is that willow tree still leaving them,
does that Lassie with a twinkling.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Of smile and hon.
Speaker 9 (07:44):
And she walk away, sad and dreamy, then not to
see me there?
Speaker 11 (07:59):
So oh, I asked, each weeping willow, and each broke
along the way, and each last act come.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Thing in flow.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Spot day. Well, Dennis, you certainly picked an appropriate song
(09:03):
for Saint Patrick's day. And I might add Dennis that
as time goes on, your voice gets better and better.
If it's so good, how about a raise it, you know, Dennis?
On second thought, instead of singing Blackamore on the program,
why don't you sing the song I wrote?
Speaker 8 (09:20):
When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come.
Speaker 13 (09:23):
Back to you.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I could remember the melody of my own song. My
song may not sell any copies, but it sure gets
(09:49):
rid of pests or Rochester Rochester.
Speaker 4 (09:54):
Yes, boy, I'm awfully hungry.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
What does my diet say I can have for lunch
a piece of rye Christain or heart all day.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
That's all I'm supposed to eat for lunch.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
No, you just feel it for lunch, you eat it
for dinner.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
For heaven's sake, that's the strictest diet. I am come in.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Hello pel Hello Jackson, it's a matter of Phil.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
You sound depressed.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, I just came back from the doctor.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
The doctor. What's wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, a couple of weeks ago, I became allergic to
something and I broke out from the ratio on my back.
It's just something awful. Oh that's a shame.
Speaker 13 (10:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
So I went to the doctor and every day has
been testing me to find out what I'm allergic to,
and today found out, well, what are you allergic to?
Speaker 12 (10:46):
Alcohol?
Speaker 3 (10:57):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Yeah, the only way I can get rid of the
sitch is to stop drinking entirely.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Oh well, what are you gonna do?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Throw long fingernails. I'm in for a lot of scratches,
That's what I thought.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
By the way, Jackson, I've been meeting to tell you
I saw you on TV.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Last week and you look wonderful. Well, thanks, Phil, But
I don't deserve all the credit. I had the best
makeup man in the country. Really. Yes, he's the same
one who made up President Truman for his last television
speed Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Hold of a minute, why would President Truman want to
use makeup?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Phil? If you were asking for eight billion dollars, you'd
want to look good too.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Believe me, Alice had give it to me regardless.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
How I know she can probably see Hello. Oh it's
me again, Jack. Oh what is it now? Mary Well?
Speaker 6 (11:58):
I called Phil's house and nobody as said, and I
was wondering if he's over there.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Yes he is. Yes, a second Phil is for you.
It's Mary. Oh hello, Livy you you.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Hello Hambone love Phil.
Speaker 6 (12:16):
I'm having a party on Wednesday, and i'd like you
and Alice to come.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yeah, okay, liv we'll be there. Hey, say you want
me to bring my extra boys.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Along to No?
Speaker 6 (12:25):
No, Phil, I haven't got room for thirty six more people.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Wave mee thirty six?
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I only got eighteen follows in my band?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:31):
What about their parole officers?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah? I almost forgot about them. Cats.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Look Mary, uh uh, Mary, can I at least bring
Remley no Sammy my drummer?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
No?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Now, wait a minute, I've got to bring at least
one of my boys. Why, somebody's got to scratch my back.
Speaker 6 (13:00):
I don't know what you're talking about, but if you're
back it, just can't you scratch it yourself?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
No, I'll be using both hands to pour the stuff
that makes it in.
Speaker 6 (13:10):
Phil, I don't understand anyway, will you come to my.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Party match, I'll be there live things.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Okay, bye, Mary invites you to party too, a Phil,
Yeah you, lunch is ready, mister Billy. Oh thanks, Rochester.
Hey Jackson, I'm kind of hungry.
Speaker 13 (13:24):
I think I'll stay and have some lunch with you.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Oh, oh, you want to eat here? When you say
I beg you it works every time. I got a
song right that time when you say I beg your pardon.
Jill mustn't forget my own melody. Gosh, I'm hungry. These
(13:47):
diets are murder. I'm gonna eat something or Rochester, Rochester,
come here medal will you? Yes? Boss? But Rochester, I'm
really hungry. What's in the refrigerator?
Speaker 13 (13:57):
Dennis Dave?
Speaker 4 (14:00):
When he left, he opened the wrong door.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Oh, we'll leave him there for a while. I don't
want to hear his explanation of how it happened. Anyway, Rochester,
just make me a sandwich out of the.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Boss. You stay out the window, right Why are you
standing out the window?
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Those two men, those two men across the street, they
just stepped off the curb and they're coming this way.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Mmm.
Speaker 13 (14:33):
M yes, we're from the Income Tax Department.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Oh, yes, yeah, you're the same men who were here
last year and come in. Your name is uh is
mister Kerns, isn't it?
Speaker 12 (15:17):
Yes?
Speaker 13 (15:17):
And this is my assistant mister right right?
Speaker 3 (15:21):
How do you do? Gentlemen? If you've come about my
income tax I've already sent it in.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Oh, mister Benny, we're not here to discuss this year's taxes.
We'd like to talk to you again about last year's.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
Last year's I thought I was settled. We went over
it so many times, and when I didn't hear from
you again, I assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought
that everything was right.
Speaker 13 (15:48):
How do you do, hm, mister Benny.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
We're still trying to help you, help me, and we
feel that you must have made a mistake in your
last year's return.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
A mistake. Yes, we can't understand how a man who
earned over three hundred thousand dollars could only spend seventeen
dollars from entertainment. Well that's all I spent. I can
prove it to you, Rochester. Get my books out of
my desk drawer. Yes, sir, there's no need. I'm going
to prove it to you for once and for all.
(16:26):
But mister Bennie, this drawing on the left, No, the right.
How do you do.
Speaker 11 (16:34):
Now?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Cut that out? For heaven's sake, mister Benny. No one
shouts at the tax collector.
Speaker 3 (16:47):
Oh, I'm sorry, mister Benny. Believe me.
Speaker 12 (16:50):
We're here to help you.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Yes, we don't think you're taking full advantage.
Speaker 13 (16:57):
Of deductible items.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
I'm not. There are your books, boss, things. I take
your butler for instance, you mean Rochester.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yes, even though he's your butler, if he assists you
in any way pertaining to the production of your radio
or television shows or any of your other business activities,
then that portion of his pay is deductible.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
You mean yes. In other words, under those conditions, you
could split his salary, split my salary.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
Yeah, gentleman, they're splitting business and they've split the at them.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
But I didn't by anybody to split my salary.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Rochester.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This is no time at just the moment, mister Benning Rochester,
are you inferring that your salary is that small?
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Well, in Santa.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Nina clock realism, it starts off pretty good, but something
always happens too, it coming around.
Speaker 13 (17:50):
The far term. How what do you mean?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Well, every payday.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
Mister Benny sits me down, explains how he has to
make certain deductions out of my salary, so much for withholding,
so much for unemployment insurance, and so much for sold security.
Then he further explains that what remains was known as
take home pay.
Speaker 13 (18:08):
That's right, take home pay.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
Then he points out that I'm living at his home, so.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
He takes it. Mister Benny, Is that right? How do
you do I should play that game to him?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Mister Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester
brought you, and there's an item that interests me.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Which item is that?
Speaker 13 (18:36):
This one?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Here?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Income from violin engagement approximately three dollars.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Yes, I filled in that entry myself.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
But why is it approximately three dollars?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Well, I was playing my violin at the opening of
a butcher shop and they gave me two pounds of meat.
They gave you two pounds of meat for playing your violin.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
They didn't give it to him. Somebody hit him with
a round stake.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Well, I brought it home.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
What's the difference.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
That brings up a point, mister Benny. If you receive
revenue playing your violin, then the money you spend on
his upkeep and repair is deductible.
Speaker 13 (19:14):
Yes, you see, mister Benny, we're.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Trying to help.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
I know, I know. For instance, mister Benny, how many
strings do you buy for your violin, rosin pegs, bridges,
repairing your bowl and so forth? Well, I don't know,
you see, I get everything through my violin teacher. He
keeps track of all that well.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
In that case, in order to help you, would you
mind if we talk to your violin teacher?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
No, no, not at all. His name is Professor LeBlanc.
His address is sixty to twelve. I'm an avenue. It's
on the other side of town. We'll find it. Come on, Joe.
Speaker 13 (19:51):
Well Bill here it is sixty two twelve. I'm an avenue.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Yeah, what a run down looking Roman house. Let's go in.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Oh here's his room, Professor le Blanc, violent teacher, Yeah,
Professor la Blank.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
We we're from the Income Tax Department Income Tax in
comtaxt gentlemen, look at me. See by yourself.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
I am bare of foot.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
My close up, Professor, I sleep on a hard screen.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
I ain't the matter sleep.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Talk control yourself, as we're here to talk to you
about one of your pupils. Mister Benny.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
Ah about mister Bennie.
Speaker 14 (20:43):
Come mean, come mean, perhaps I can help you send
him to the bastille.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
No, no, no, professor, we just want to find out
how much money mister ny spent.
Speaker 13 (20:53):
On his violin money. Yes, don't you have any books?
Speaker 3 (20:59):
Oh I have written three books.
Speaker 14 (21:01):
About mister Bennie, but the publishers would not believe them.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
No, no, we mean records, financial records. We want to
know what expenses mister Bennie is incurred in the upkeep
of his violin.
Speaker 9 (21:12):
Oh, that I do not know.
Speaker 14 (21:14):
I just charge him so much for the lesson, and
that includes everything.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
Oh, well, perhaps we could break that down.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
How much do you charge him for the lesson?
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Well, he is supposed to give me two dollars, but before.
Speaker 14 (21:26):
Every lesson, mister Benny sits me down and explains how
he has to make certain deductions out of my salary.
So much for beholding, so much for unemployment insurance, and
so much for social security.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Then he further explains that what remains is known as tick.
Speaker 13 (21:43):
Oh come on, bell, we've heard this before.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Yes, thank you, Professor le Blanc. You're welcome, gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Oh, by the way, professor, we've never heard mister Bennie
play the violin.
Speaker 13 (21:54):
Har's the sound sound?
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Well, gentlemen, let me explain.
Speaker 14 (22:00):
These strings on the violin are made of cat god,
and the violin bow is.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Made from horsehail.
Speaker 14 (22:07):
So if you want to know how beneath violin playing sounds,
think of a cat being stepped on by a horse.
Speaker 13 (22:26):
Yes, we understand, Well, goodbye, Professor la Blank.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Goodbye.
Speaker 12 (22:29):
Gentlemen say well, that's Joe.
Speaker 13 (22:43):
Why are we going to all this trouble just to
help mister Bennie.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't know. There's something about those big blue eyes
that gets you. I guess so
The Jack Benny Program.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Barring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester and
Yours truly, Don Wilson, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Since Jack has been in television, he wants to keep
his weight down. At the moment, he's at his home
in Beverly Hills and a steam cabinet, trying to reduce Rochester.
I can stand in a little hotter, turn up the
steam with you. Yes, that's enough, not too hot. Hey,
I'm glad I bought this steam cabinet. How long have
(00:50):
I been in here?
Speaker 4 (00:51):
About ten minutes? I hope you're not taking too much?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Well, what does the instructions say?
Speaker 5 (00:56):
Let's see, I'll read him. Man up to twenty years
old stay in the cabinet.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Not more than a half hour a half hour.
Speaker 5 (01:03):
Men up to twenty five years no more than twenty minutes,
twenty minutes. Men up to thirty years of age, no
more than fifteen minutes.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Fifteen men up to what am mm mm about?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
According to this charge, I should have just dipped in
like a tea bag.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Oh stop, she's awfully hot in this cabinet. I think
I'll get out.
Speaker 4 (01:31):
I better not open it for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
Why haven't I had enough?
Speaker 4 (01:34):
Yeah, but the potatoes aren't done you.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Oh darn it.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Don't blame me, boss. It was your own idea. As
long as we had to heat, you didn't want to
waste it. Well, what a time I had talking you
out of holding that leg of lamb on your lap.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
I was just trying to condomize that though. Anyway, it's
too hot, open it up with I'm getting out, Yes, sir,
h she's good to get out of here.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Oh, I'm afraid that he was on a little too high.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Why am I red posse?
Speaker 4 (02:08):
If you had a pitchfork in your hand, you'd scare
me to this.
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Well, I feel fine. Haven me my role Rochester, Yes, sir,
I'll get it. Hello, Hello Jack, Hello Mary Jack.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
The reason I called is it Wednesday?
Speaker 6 (02:25):
I'm giving a little party at my house and I
want to know if you can come.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
Well, certainly, Mary, Thanks? Who else are you having?
Speaker 6 (02:31):
Well, I'm going to ask the whole cast of our show,
your producer, your writers, and also you're my writers.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Yes, I thought you might like to have them there.
Speaker 6 (02:40):
Why you want to be the life of the party,
don't you?
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Oh? Yes, yes, they are funny looking. Well, I better
hang up.
Speaker 6 (02:51):
I've got a lot of people to call.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Bye jazz along marrying thanks a Rochester. Next Wednesday night,
Miss Livingston is giving a party, so I won't Rochester, Rochester.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
Here I am, boss.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Where were you?
Speaker 4 (03:03):
I heard the postman? So I went to get the mail.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
Oh what came?
Speaker 4 (03:07):
Just some bills Circular and your copy of Look magazine.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Oh, let me see it? In Rochester, Rochester. There's a
picture of you and me on the cover, on.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
The cover of Look.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
Let me see it, boss, Yeah, what are you laughing at?
Speaker 5 (03:22):
I bet I'm the only man in the world who
ever had his picture on the cover of a magazine
and couldn't afford to buy it.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Oh you do all right?
Speaker 4 (03:34):
I don't know. I just bought a toothbrush installment.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
Plan in tallment. What would that mean? Well, that's not
my fault if you saved your Rochester to see who
that is? While I finished getting dressed, Yes.
Speaker 7 (03:50):
Sir, shooting beguards with the pleasure to greet such a
fine rock of a lad on this day, the nights
of which I haven't seen in years.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
How do you do? How do you do? Who is
at Rochester?
Speaker 4 (04:04):
A mister ketsel.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, who is it sure?
Speaker 7 (04:10):
Into the son of the outside himself? Dennis Patrick Halla wishes.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Jeremiah McNulty r James. Oh, come on in, Dennis, and
look kid, Tomorrow is Saint Patricks Day? Aren't you a
little early with your bro?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
No, I'm practicing. I'll have to talk like this all
day tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (04:26):
You have to talk like that all day. Yeah you don't.
Speaker 7 (04:29):
They rip off your shamrock, take a Shilleley and break
all your Morton Downey records.
Speaker 3 (04:35):
Oh you know, Dennis, I've always thought that Saint Patrick's
Day comes at the wrong time of the year.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Yeah, what do you mean?
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Well, how can March seventeenth be dedicated to the wearing
of the Green when only two days before the government
takes it all away from you? Now, Dennis, let's stop talking.
Just let me hear the song you're gonna do on
the program, Yes, sir, call it Kain.
Speaker 6 (04:59):
Hello, Hello Jack, This is Mary again.
Speaker 3 (05:01):
Oh what is it? Mary? Well?
Speaker 6 (05:02):
I call Dennis's house to invite him to my party,
and his mother told me he's at your house.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Is he there? Yes, Dennis, Mary wants you on the phone.
Speaker 7 (05:10):
Yeah, these dames, they won't let me alone.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Never mind, just talk.
Speaker 6 (05:14):
To her, Yes, sir, Hello Mary. Hello, Dennis. Look, I'm
having a party on Wednesday night.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Would you like to come on Wednesday?
Speaker 8 (05:21):
Yes?
Speaker 7 (05:22):
Do you mind if I bring my neighbor Hetty Lamar?
Speaker 3 (05:25):
Your neighbor, Hetty Lamar?
Speaker 6 (05:27):
Yeah, Dennis, I happen to know Hetty Lamar lives in
Bennedict Canyon and you live in Westwood.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Oh yeah, Hetty Lamar's house is right next to mine.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
Since when ever? Since the rain? All right, Dennis, bring.
Speaker 6 (05:43):
Anyone who floats by?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
Gee?
Speaker 7 (05:46):
Thanks Mary, goodbye bye, say mister Benny. When I go
to Mary's party, I'm gonna bring.
Speaker 6 (05:53):
Hello, Dennis, I forgot to tell you something. What don't
drive jack nuts? Just sing your song, okay, Dennis?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
Quiet, I'm gonna sing.
Speaker 8 (06:03):
Oh why.
Speaker 9 (06:20):
Rubber London Harry bird it?
Speaker 10 (06:26):
Well, maybe he's bringing me a cheering world. Why he
robreez Horriver Sharnon breeze.
Speaker 11 (06:42):
It Well, maybe it's followed me across the sea, then me, Oh,
earthings in clock On? Is that little Brooks still leaving there?
Speaker 10 (07:12):
Does it still run down to Johnny Cole through Killie Bay,
kill every and.
Speaker 12 (07:20):
Kill day.
Speaker 11 (07:22):
Our things in Clockoma? Is that willow tree still leaving them,
does that Lassie with a twinkling.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
Of smile and hon.
Speaker 9 (07:44):
And she walk away, sad and dreamy, then not to
see me there?
Speaker 11 (07:59):
So oh, I asked, each weeping willow, and each broke
along the way, and each last act come.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Thing in flow.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
Spot day. Well, Dennis, you certainly picked an appropriate song
(09:03):
for Saint Patrick's day. And I might add Dennis that
as time goes on, your voice gets better and better.
If it's so good, how about a raise it, you know, Dennis?
On second thought, instead of singing Blackamore on the program,
why don't you sing the song I wrote?
Speaker 8 (09:20):
When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come.
Speaker 13 (09:23):
Back to you.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
I could remember the melody of my own song. My
song may not sell any copies, but it sure gets
(09:49):
rid of pests or Rochester Rochester.
Speaker 4 (09:54):
Yes, boy, I'm awfully hungry.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
What does my diet say I can have for lunch
a piece of rye Christain or heart all day.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
That's all I'm supposed to eat for lunch.
Speaker 4 (10:02):
No, you just feel it for lunch, you eat it
for dinner.
Speaker 3 (10:08):
For heaven's sake, that's the strictest diet. I am come in.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Hello pel Hello Jackson, it's a matter of Phil.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
You sound depressed.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Yeah, I just came back from the doctor.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
The doctor. What's wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Well, a couple of weeks ago, I became allergic to
something and I broke out from the ratio on my back.
It's just something awful. Oh that's a shame.
Speaker 13 (10:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
So I went to the doctor and every day has
been testing me to find out what I'm allergic to,
and today found out, well, what are you allergic to?
Speaker 12 (10:46):
Alcohol?
Speaker 3 (10:57):
No?
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Yeah, the only way I can get rid of the
sitch is to stop drinking entirely.
Speaker 3 (11:05):
Oh well, what are you gonna do?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Throw long fingernails. I'm in for a lot of scratches,
That's what I thought.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Hey.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
By the way, Jackson, I've been meeting to tell you
I saw you on TV.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Last week and you look wonderful. Well, thanks, Phil, But
I don't deserve all the credit. I had the best
makeup man in the country. Really. Yes, he's the same
one who made up President Truman for his last television
speed Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Hold of a minute, why would President Truman want to
use makeup?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
Phil? If you were asking for eight billion dollars, you'd
want to look good too.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Believe me, Alice had give it to me regardless.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
How I know she can probably see Hello. Oh it's
me again, Jack. Oh what is it now? Mary Well?
Speaker 6 (11:58):
I called Phil's house and nobody as said, and I
was wondering if he's over there.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Yes he is. Yes, a second Phil is for you.
It's Mary. Oh hello, Livy you you.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Hello Hambone love Phil.
Speaker 6 (12:16):
I'm having a party on Wednesday, and i'd like you
and Alice to come.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Yeah, okay, liv we'll be there. Hey, say you want
me to bring my extra boys.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Along to No?
Speaker 6 (12:25):
No, Phil, I haven't got room for thirty six more people.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Wave mee thirty six?
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I only got eighteen follows in my band?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:31):
What about their parole officers?
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Yeah? I almost forgot about them. Cats.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Look Mary, uh uh, Mary, can I at least bring
Remley no Sammy my drummer?
Speaker 3 (12:51):
No?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Now, wait a minute, I've got to bring at least
one of my boys. Why, somebody's got to scratch my back.
Speaker 6 (13:00):
I don't know what you're talking about, but if you're
back it, just can't you scratch it yourself?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
No, I'll be using both hands to pour the stuff
that makes it in.
Speaker 6 (13:10):
Phil, I don't understand anyway, will you come to my.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Party match, I'll be there live things.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
Okay, bye, Mary invites you to party too, a Phil,
Yeah you, lunch is ready, mister Billy. Oh thanks, Rochester.
Hey Jackson, I'm kind of hungry.
Speaker 13 (13:24):
I think I'll stay and have some lunch with you.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
Oh, oh, you want to eat here? When you say
I beg you it works every time. I got a
song right that time when you say I beg your pardon.
Jill mustn't forget my own melody. Gosh, I'm hungry. These
(13:47):
diets are murder. I'm gonna eat something or Rochester, Rochester,
come here medal will you? Yes? Boss? But Rochester, I'm
really hungry. What's in the refrigerator?
Speaker 13 (13:57):
Dennis Dave?
Speaker 4 (14:00):
When he left, he opened the wrong door.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Oh, we'll leave him there for a while. I don't
want to hear his explanation of how it happened. Anyway, Rochester,
just make me a sandwich out of the.
Speaker 4 (14:13):
Boss. You stay out the window, right Why are you
standing out the window?
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Those two men, those two men across the street, they
just stepped off the curb and they're coming this way.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Mmm.
Speaker 13 (14:33):
M yes, we're from the Income Tax Department.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Oh, yes, yeah, you're the same men who were here
last year and come in. Your name is uh is
mister Kerns, isn't it?
Speaker 12 (15:17):
Yes?
Speaker 13 (15:17):
And this is my assistant mister right right?
Speaker 3 (15:21):
How do you do? Gentlemen? If you've come about my
income tax I've already sent it in.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Oh, mister Benny, we're not here to discuss this year's taxes.
We'd like to talk to you again about last year's.
Speaker 3 (15:37):
Last year's I thought I was settled. We went over
it so many times, and when I didn't hear from
you again, I assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought
that everything was right.
Speaker 13 (15:48):
How do you do, hm, mister Benny.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
We're still trying to help you, help me, and we
feel that you must have made a mistake in your
last year's return.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
A mistake. Yes, we can't understand how a man who
earned over three hundred thousand dollars could only spend seventeen
dollars from entertainment. Well that's all I spent. I can
prove it to you, Rochester. Get my books out of
my desk drawer. Yes, sir, there's no need. I'm going
to prove it to you for once and for all.
(16:26):
But mister Bennie, this drawing on the left, No, the right.
How do you do.
Speaker 11 (16:34):
Now?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Cut that out? For heaven's sake, mister Benny. No one
shouts at the tax collector.
Speaker 3 (16:47):
Oh, I'm sorry, mister Benny. Believe me.
Speaker 12 (16:50):
We're here to help you.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
I know, I know.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Yes, we don't think you're taking full advantage.
Speaker 13 (16:57):
Of deductible items.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
I'm not. There are your books, boss, things. I take
your butler for instance, you mean Rochester.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yes, even though he's your butler, if he assists you
in any way pertaining to the production of your radio
or television shows or any of your other business activities,
then that portion of his pay is deductible.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
You mean yes. In other words, under those conditions, you
could split his salary, split my salary.
Speaker 5 (17:24):
Yeah, gentleman, they're splitting business and they've split the at them.
Speaker 4 (17:27):
But I didn't by anybody to split my salary.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Rochester.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This is no time at just the moment, mister Benning Rochester,
are you inferring that your salary is that small?
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Well, in Santa.
Speaker 5 (17:45):
Nina clock realism, it starts off pretty good, but something
always happens too, it coming around.
Speaker 13 (17:50):
The far term. How what do you mean?
Speaker 4 (17:54):
Well, every payday.
Speaker 5 (17:55):
Mister Benny sits me down, explains how he has to
make certain deductions out of my salary, so much for withholding,
so much for unemployment insurance, and so much for sold security.
Then he further explains that what remains was known as
take home pay.
Speaker 13 (18:08):
That's right, take home pay.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
Then he points out that I'm living at his home, so.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
He takes it. Mister Benny, Is that right? How do
you do I should play that game to him?
Speaker 1 (18:29):
Mister Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester
brought you, and there's an item that interests me.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Which item is that?
Speaker 13 (18:36):
This one?
Speaker 3 (18:36):
Here?
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Income from violin engagement approximately three dollars.
Speaker 3 (18:41):
Yes, I filled in that entry myself.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
But why is it approximately three dollars?
Speaker 3 (18:46):
Well, I was playing my violin at the opening of
a butcher shop and they gave me two pounds of meat.
They gave you two pounds of meat for playing your violin.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
They didn't give it to him. Somebody hit him with
a round stake.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Well, I brought it home.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
What's the difference.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
That brings up a point, mister Benny. If you receive
revenue playing your violin, then the money you spend on
his upkeep and repair is deductible.
Speaker 13 (19:14):
Yes, you see, mister Benny, we're.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Trying to help.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
I know, I know. For instance, mister Benny, how many
strings do you buy for your violin, rosin pegs, bridges,
repairing your bowl and so forth? Well, I don't know,
you see, I get everything through my violin teacher. He
keeps track of all that well.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
In that case, in order to help you, would you
mind if we talk to your violin teacher?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
No, no, not at all. His name is Professor LeBlanc.
His address is sixty to twelve. I'm an avenue. It's
on the other side of town. We'll find it. Come on, Joe.
Speaker 13 (19:51):
Well Bill here it is sixty two twelve. I'm an avenue.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
Yeah, what a run down looking Roman house. Let's go in.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Oh here's his room, Professor le Blanc, violent teacher, Yeah,
Professor la Blank.
Speaker 3 (20:16):
We we're from the Income Tax Department Income Tax in
comtaxt gentlemen, look at me. See by yourself.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
I am bare of foot.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
My close up, Professor, I sleep on a hard screen.
Speaker 4 (20:30):
I ain't the matter sleep.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Talk control yourself, as we're here to talk to you
about one of your pupils. Mister Benny.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
Ah about mister Bennie.
Speaker 14 (20:43):
Come mean, come mean, perhaps I can help you send
him to the bastille.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
No, no, no, professor, we just want to find out
how much money mister ny spent.
Speaker 13 (20:53):
On his violin money. Yes, don't you have any books?
Speaker 3 (20:59):
Oh I have written three books.
Speaker 14 (21:01):
About mister Bennie, but the publishers would not believe them.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
No, no, we mean records, financial records. We want to
know what expenses mister Bennie is incurred in the upkeep
of his violin.
Speaker 9 (21:12):
Oh, that I do not know.
Speaker 14 (21:14):
I just charge him so much for the lesson, and
that includes everything.
Speaker 13 (21:18):
Oh, well, perhaps we could break that down.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
How much do you charge him for the lesson?
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Well, he is supposed to give me two dollars, but before.
Speaker 14 (21:26):
Every lesson, mister Benny sits me down and explains how
he has to make certain deductions out of my salary.
So much for beholding, so much for unemployment insurance, and
so much for social security.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Then he further explains that what remains is known as tick.
Speaker 13 (21:43):
Oh come on, bell, we've heard this before.
Speaker 3 (21:46):
Yes, thank you, Professor le Blanc. You're welcome, gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Oh, by the way, professor, we've never heard mister Bennie
play the violin.
Speaker 13 (21:54):
Har's the sound sound?
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Well, gentlemen, let me explain.
Speaker 14 (22:00):
These strings on the violin are made of cat god,
and the violin bow is.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Made from horsehail.
Speaker 14 (22:07):
So if you want to know how beneath violin playing sounds,
think of a cat being stepped on by a horse.
Speaker 13 (22:26):
Yes, we understand, Well, goodbye, Professor la Blank.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
Goodbye.
Speaker 12 (22:29):
Gentlemen say well, that's Joe.
Speaker 13 (22:43):
Why are we going to all this trouble just to
help mister Bennie.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't know. There's something about those big blue eyes
that gets you. I guess so
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