July 3, 2023 • 27 mins
Gino Medeiros is a well-known author and youth advocate who has dedicated his life to helping young people overcome challenges and reach their full potential. Raised in foster care, Medeiros faced many obstacles himself and understands the importance of providing support and guidance to young people who may be going through similar struggles.
JNB New York had the honor of interviewing him on this speical episode where he provides us with insight and advice on how best to help our youths in the foster care system.
Connect with Gino Medeiros on Facebook
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JNB New York had the honor of interviewing him on this speical episode where he provides us with insight and advice on how best to help our youths in the foster care system.
Connect with Gino Medeiros on Facebook
Connect with Gino Medeiros on Linkedin
Connect with Gino Medeiros on his Official Website
Connect with Gino Medeiros on Instagram
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
We want to thank everyone today forjoining us on JBAN, New York.
We'd like to give a nice,warm welcome to a very special guest,
Gino Medetos. He is an author, foster and youth advocate as well as
a speaker on child abuse and neglect. Gino, we want to welcome you
to the show. Thank you fortaking the time to be here today.
(00:24):
My pleasure. Thank you. Youknow, we live in a world where
the changing times have become more complexand more difficult for adults and young people
alike, and so especially today,I think a lot of parents and families
and even young people are looking forsome source of comfort as well as some
(00:49):
source of insight on how to navigatethrough today's present challenges and yet still maintain
a sense of family, community normalcy. So my first question to you,
Geno, is I know that youat one time were a foster child and
(01:10):
now are a foster parent. Canyou tell us a little bit about the
challenges that you faced as a youthgrowing up? First, let me just
like correction, I am no longera foster parent. My children are out
of the house, and my husbandand I now are empty nesters and enjoying
(01:30):
it. Thoroughly, and let melet me let me jump in and say
this because and correct me if I'mwrong. But isn't it true that being
a foster parent extends way beyond whenthe children leave the home. It is
that is very intuitive of you.I think being a parent in general also
(01:55):
extends well beyond the child being athome. Absolutely, And I want you
to give us some insight into becausebefore you even foster children of your own,
you yourself, had went through thesystem, and your experience is no
doubt shape your caring and nurturing approachto the children that you yourself then foster.
(02:17):
Can you tell us what that waslike growing up or taking in my
kids? Let's do both. Let'sstart with the first one. Let's start
with growing up and then taking inyour kids. So, growing up,
I knew there was it. Iwasn't like the other kids. And it's
(02:38):
funny that you asked that question becauseI've recently been in contact with one of
the house parents from one of thegroup homes I was in when I was
a little little and she ended upshe and her husband ended up taking and
adopting another little boy that was withme, who was basically a brother we
were super close and we he andI have reconnected and that I think for
(03:01):
me, even with all the abuseand the turmoil and the changing homes,
losing my brother was really hard forme. We were not biological brothers,
but he was my brother in myheart and he still is. The journey
through foster care was it difficult atbest, horrific at worst. And when
(03:30):
you get to my stage in life, you find yourself looking back and wondering
what a lot of what ifs.And I find myself, even with the
abuse of homes, they molded meinto who I am, So I personally
struggled with what ifs a lot.I wouldn't say it holds me back,
(03:55):
but I wonder, you know,if I hadn't have had this happened,
if if I wasn't with that parent. And you don't think about that when
you're a kid. You think aboutsurviving it. And I was also talking
recently to one of my former socialworkers, and she said, you know,
she was incredibly dedicated. I don'tthink I ever had a social worker
(04:16):
that worked as hard as she did. And I asked her some questions about
some of the decisions that were madeon my behalf and she said, you
know, the system is notoriously underfunded, the social workers are notoriously overworked,
and the squeakiest wheel seems to alwaysget the grease. And she said,
(04:36):
and sometimes you have to make adecision that is, you know, neither
one of which is good. Andit's a difficult spot. And as a
child, the worst thing that happenedto me beyond besides the abuse, was
the transitioning from home to placements,to orphanages or child welfare centers or what
(05:01):
they or whatever they were called backthen. It's you know, even a
dysfunctional, abusive family is better thanno family. And that's a difficult wire
to walk when you're in the positionof taking care of these kids as a
social worker. And I've seen itfirsthand, not just with me, but
with my own kids. So it'sit's a long journey, and it's a
(05:25):
tough journey. And when I lookback back in retrospect, I can't embrace
who I am and not embrace myjourney. So I can't say that I
would change it, or I can'tsay that I would I regret any of
it. It's it's a difficult reality. It's almost a dual reality, knowing
(05:47):
it shouldn't have happened, but knowingif it hadn't happened, I might not
have gone in that direction or thisdirection, or whatever it might be.
No, I appreciate that very candidand very very authentic. And I think
as many families and children, youngpeople and youths who are navigating through this
(06:09):
foster care system, what would youencourage for those who do feel a bit
lost and confused and maybe even abit angry for perhaps being perceived as being
overlooked in the system. I thinkthe minute you step into foster care,
(06:30):
you feel overlooked. There are veryfew that don't struggle with the realities that
they're faced with. And I thinkmy best advice would be to hold on,
to believe in yourself, to recognizeand it's much harder, easier said
than down excuse me, to recognizethat the shame you carry isn't your shame
(06:56):
to carry. It never was.And that was the hardest lesson for me
to figure out, because once Idid, I was able to start letting
go. And if you wascredibly healing, can you explain that, you know?
I think it's such an important pointand I want everyone to really get
the full impact of it. Whenyou say it's the shame is not yours
(07:20):
to carry as profound? What doesthat mean? So thank you for asking
the question. I talk about theabuse in my book at length. One
of my abusers sexually abused me,and I carried that shame most of my
(07:42):
young life, and it wasn't untilI was about thirty that I realized it
was not my shame to carry.I was three, four years old,
five maybe five. I was inthere. I was over the period of
several years, and when I realizedthat it was very freeing for me,
it was just kind of like,hm, it was done to me,
(08:05):
it wasn't. And the way thata child predator works is they use a
child's own body as a weapon againstthem. It didn't hurt. It actually
felt good. I was rather neglected, so it was attention. And then
you start to grow up and yourealize, wait a minute, that was
wrong, and then the shame setsto I shouldn't have felt good. I
(08:28):
should have run away. I shouldhave said no. I was three or
four years old. For Pete's sake, of course, that wasn't an option
for me. So when I finallyrealized that I've been carrying this and it's
not just the shame of having beenmolested, it's also just being a foster
child in my time, as afoster child comes with a stigma, and
(08:52):
there's a certain shame that you internalizeas a foster child. There were parents
that wouldn't let their kids play withme simply because I was a foster child,
and they thought I was troubled.And you know it, As we
just come off of celebrating Juneteenth,I think it's really relevant for me to
(09:13):
say, especially for the people thatwill read my book, that I was
a young, cute, blonde hair, blue eyed, white kid and most
of the kids that were in thesystem with me were not And even at
five, six, seven years old, I sensed a difference and it's stuck
(09:35):
with me, and I think that'swhy I have such a tremendous sense of
correcting injustice. My brother that Ijust spoke about earlier, he was an
African American boy and adopted by thetwo white house parents. And even we
were little, it's in the housewe were never treated any differently. There
(09:56):
was no color in the house,but the minute we were at the world
at large, we were treated differently, and I look back and I think
to myself, what would have becomeof me if I had been a little
black boy. There's no way,and that right there is one of the
(10:16):
biggest problems, in my opinion,in the system is that these kids are
shuffled through so fast that their culturalidentity often is overlooked. And they're better
about it now. I have tosay. When I became a foster parent
and my former husband and I wentthrough the trainings, they really worked hard
(10:39):
on making sure you understood the importanceof no matter what ethnicity the child is
that you took, whether it bewhite, Black, Asian, whatever,
that you help that child identify withtheir heritage, which is great. It's
a lot harder to do, butit's it's great that they're doing that now,
(11:01):
and there's a shame that comes alongwith that. I can only imagine
his name is CC, what hemust have felt like as a little black
boy surrounded by you know, he'sdealing with not being with his birth family,
being adopted by a white family,and growing up outside of his own
identity. I never had to worryabout that. That was not one of
the layers. I had many otherlayers but that's a real thing that I
(11:22):
think people need to really think aboutbefore they get into this, because culture,
cultural, excuse me, identity isimportant. And for me, you
know, as an effeminate young boyalmost pretty it people, I had that
sort of I guess working against me. I wasn't your typical Tonka truck playing
(11:46):
boy. So the multifaceted layering ofthese kids is much much deeper than if
you've given birth to a child andraised it from the minute you brought it
home from the hospital, and that'sthere's a there's a there's a shame if
(12:09):
you're raised in another ethnicity than whatyou were born to, there's there's an
instant shame that comes from that,from your original your original tribe, so
to speak. And it's not necessarilythat they'll put it on you, but
you can feel it like I'm different. And my biological cousin had four beautiful
children of her own, and shewanted a fifth, and she did an
(12:33):
open adoption and adopted this absolutely amazinglittle black baby who's this beautiful woman now
and a mother of her own.And she worked really hard on helping her
daughter discover her own identity within herfamily and within her ethnicity, and that's
(12:54):
not an easy thing to do whenyou have a beautiful child in your arms
that says, mommy, my hairwas as straight and blond as yours.
How do you respond to that?What do you say? Because whatever you
say in that moment could have alifelong impact on that child, And of
course it hasn't handled it beautifully,like she said with all of her children,
(13:18):
but it's it's a difficult rope towalk. Absolutely. Thank you so
much for speaking on that and verypowerful real life experiences, and it does
motivate me to ask this next question, because when you became a foster parent,
(13:39):
you know, taking into consideration yourupbringing and and the things that you
perceived were harmful to your upbringing asa foster child, how were you able
to make better choices as a fosterparent. I'm really glad you asked that
question because in writing this book,I mean, as parents, we all
(14:05):
it doesn't come with an instruction manual. We just kind of figure it out.
But in my case, I'm ableto look back now and recognize some
of the mistakes that I made withboth my kids, and you know,
I do know in my heart thatthe decisions that I made, and the
(14:28):
things that I was doing came fromno place but love. My grandmother said
something to me once with my daughterand she. We were having lunch and
my grandmother, she was a veryclearly opinionated woman, and she said to
me, Honey, she needs afriend, not a father, And I
(14:50):
said, I disagree with that.She needs both. And what I ended
up doing with both my kids,which we tend to do with parents anyway,
we tend to use our experience asa guide for raising our children,
(15:11):
and we want to help, especiallywhen they're teenagers. We want to identify
with them. We want them tofeel like we understand them, and that
I think the biggest mistake that Imade with both of my kids was I
projected my experience, in my experienceonto them as their reality. Oh,
I understand, I went through thattoo. I know exactly how you feel.
(15:33):
And that was the wrong thing tosay, because that's not what they
need to hear. What they needto hear is what can I do?
How can I help? What canI do to support you? This must
be incredibly difficult for you. AndI didn't figure that out until my youngest
was halfway through his senior year inhigh school, and then I actually sat
down with him and I said,you know what, I need to apologize
(15:54):
to you because I am self identifyingthrough you and that's not fair to you.
You need me to be there foryou and listen to your experience and
help you work through it in yourway, not my way, in your
way. And I think that's amistake that, like I said, most
parents make with their own biological children, and those of us that grew up
(16:15):
in the system that then want togive back and take children from the system.
We have a tendency to try toover understand what our kids are going
through instead of just listening. Wow. Wow, that's powerful, powerful and
(16:38):
so as as so as a parentand as now an advocate for use today,
what advice do you have for youngpeople still navigating through the system.
First and foremost, that's a toughone because the system is still broken.
(17:02):
My advice would be, find yourtribe, find your people, Find the
people that give you support that youneed because they're there, whether it's a
teacher, a counselor a social worker, a foster parent. You know,
most people nowadays are in become fosterparents for the right reasons and from doing
(17:26):
some research on my book. WhatI've discovered is that the biggest problem now
is these abused, neglected, tormentedchildren abusing, neglecting, and tormenting other
children. It's not so much theparents like it was when I was little.
So talking. You know, ifsomebody does something to you or hurts
(17:48):
you or threatens you, even ifit's a peer, talk about it.
Tell someone, because the system isn'tis not going to keep you safe.
And I hate to say that,and that's part of the reason why I've
recently reached out to a couple ofthe organizations I was with as a child
and asked if I could help,Like, can I volunteer, be a
(18:10):
mentor help with fundraising anything, becauseit doesn't you don't you don't have to
take a child into your home tohelp. And that's one of the things
I think a lot of people missis that, you know, you can
make donations, you can donate yourtime, you can be a big brother
or a big sister. There's somany different things that people can do to
(18:33):
support these kids because they're still marginalizedand there's still and that that in and
of itself is a form of trauma. You grow up on the fringes of
society, feeling like you're different becauseyou are, and then treated like you're
different because you are, and treatedlike you're less than and that sticks with
a kid. Yeah, very true, And thank you so much for offering
(18:59):
those practical, practical suggestions. AndI think it's so needed because a lot
of our children do suffer in silenceand to be reminded that that they that,
no matter where they experience suffering ourabuse from whether it be from an
adult, are another child to speakup, to speak out. And I
(19:25):
love that advice. Find your tribe, find those who who genuinely support you.
And I also appreciate the encouragement forothers to get involved in any way
they can't to support the upbringing andthe and the and the genuine support of
these the young people who have beenthrown into this, as you mentioned,
(19:45):
system that has many flaws. Youknow, it's a blessing. And I
want to say this with the truestsincerity that you are stepping into this space
to provide some encouragement for for youngpeople and for families, because at this
point in the world, and asin twenty twenty three, we really do
(20:07):
need a voice of wisdom and comforton the subject, and so thank you
for volunteering your time to step intothat space. I no problem. There
was something else I was going tosay. It just completely went out of
my mind. Senior moment. Yeah, I just feel like my big I
(20:30):
was going to talk about my hometownwhere I ended up when I was twelve,
The Power and I was recently featuredon the front page of their newspaper,
and I had written them a letterof thank back in two thousand and
nine because one of my foster familieswent sideways and it ended up it was
front page news and I had tobe removed. And the act of moving
(20:56):
a child, just that act aloneis damaging to the child, and people
don't I don't people think people reallyrealize that. And I think I had
a social worker who chose to keepme in a home because she understood that
(21:17):
it wasn't just about the home.It was also about the community that I
was a huge part of. Sowhen this went down and was on the
front page of the newspaper, theywere both very well known educators in the
community. I was terrified that Iwas going to have to leave my community.
I finally had a community that Iwas, you know, I played
sports, I was involved, andI had friends, I did sleepovers.
(21:37):
All the things that most kids takefor granted were all mostly my first of
significance in my life, and I'llnever forget it. With my freshman year
in high school and the principal pulledme out of class and took me into
his office and he said, you'rea very popular young man. And it
was the day it hit the newspaper, and I kind of looked at him
(22:00):
like, well, he said,my phone he's been He said, I've
been an educator for thirty years andI've never seen anything like this. My
phone has been ringing off the hookall morning with people in this community that
are offering me a place to stay. And I remember sitting there going what
And the feeling that that gave mein that moment and pretty much through the
(22:22):
rest of high school was one ofempowerment. It was like I describe it
as the circling of the wagons,Like they circled the community, circled me
and said, Nope, you can'thave this one. This one's hours will
take care of it from here,and they did. There's power in that,
and you know, obviously there's onlyone of me and like something like
(22:45):
twenty different people that were offering togive me a home, and I chose
one that I knew. But thepower that the community has over a child
is not something that should be overlooked. Wow. Wow, that is beautiful.
Wow, that's a that is nota push and encouragement for us to
(23:11):
get involved and to stay present forour children. I don't know what is
that is beautiful. And I wouldalso like to say, for those of
us that have grown up in thesystem, if we've found our way in
this world, we did not findour way alone. In most cases,
someone somewhere either helped or touched you. And I can tell you from personal
(23:33):
experience, reaching out to those peopleand giving them a heartfelt thank you,
honestly is the most powerful thing youcan do for not just for that person,
but for yourself. I was ableto reconnect with one of the I
said earlier in the broadcast that Iwas able to reconnect with one of mine
house parents from one of the grouphomes, and I just said to her,
(23:59):
thank you, thank you, becauseyou were my first taught me how
to ride a bike. The firstChristmas is that I can remember the first
birthday parties. I can remember thefirst word I could spell, the first
time I sat down that I canremember every single night with a family for
dinner. Those things imprint on achild, and they're powerful and they're important.
And she got a little weepy andshe was like, oh my gosh,
(24:22):
thank you. I had no ideaI had such an impact even teachers
now. I think she's since passed. But my seventh and eighth grade English
teacher, Missus Montgomery from East AvenueMiddle School, she's the one that taught
me that writing his power, andup until probably five four years ago,
she sent me a Christmas card everyyear. And I think it's important for
(24:47):
those of us that have been blessedand fortunate enough to find our way in
the world to make sure we paytribute to those that help us get here.
It's important important for us, it'simportant for them because it also makes
it worth it for the people thatare going out on a limb and doing
the things that they did. Gratitude. That's my overall message. Be grateful,
(25:15):
express gratitude, don't take it forgranted, and don't try to act
like you got here alone because youdidn't. Hm well, said, well
said, and and and extremely moving. Now we know, Geno, you
have a book coming out, UMthat's coming up soon. I do want
to let people know that they canactually visit your website to subscribe and get
(25:40):
not the vacations when that book isgoing to be released, UM, can
you give us that website for us. It's my first and last night name
Gino Madaris dot com and that's spelledg I n O M E D E
I r O s dot com.And we're going to have a link to
(26:04):
his website and the description of theshow. So wherever you are listening to
this podcast on Spotify, iHeartRadio,go ahead and just go to the description
link and click on that and thatwill take you directly to his website.
And we also know that you werejust recently featured on the cover of Hollywood
Magazine for a really good, agreat exclusive interview. So congratulations on that.
(26:26):
Thank you so, Gino, Wethank you so much for taking the
time to be with us today andto share your story and to definitely share
your knowledge of the industry and yourexperiences of navigating through the system. And
I do want to encourage people ifit's okay before I let you go.
I want to encourage those individuals outin the community, educators, organizations that
(26:51):
deal with young people, foster childrenas well, to reach out to Gino
and tap into his wisdom and experience. He has a lot of powerful stories
to share that can really help shapethe culture of young people but also parents
and adults who are looking to understandour young people better. So again,
(27:11):
you guys can reach out to Ginoat his website. You guys, again
click on that link in the descriptionof the show and stay connected with him
to continue to empower yourself and thecommunity to think and look beyond the hurt
and the pain to something better.And Gino, with your wisdom and advice
today, we know that there isas much better ahead if we apply it.
(27:33):
So thank you again for being ontoday's program. My pleasure. Thank
you all. Right now, beforewe let everyone go at home, thank
you guys so much for joining uson JB in New York. And before
you click that in our off button, please stay tuned and listen to a
word from our partners
We want to thank everyone today forjoining us on JBAN, New York.
We'd like to give a nice,warm welcome to a very special guest,
Gino Medetos. He is an author, foster and youth advocate as well as
a speaker on child abuse and neglect. Gino, we want to welcome you
to the show. Thank you fortaking the time to be here today.
(00:24):
My pleasure. Thank you. Youknow, we live in a world where
the changing times have become more complexand more difficult for adults and young people
alike, and so especially today,I think a lot of parents and families
and even young people are looking forsome source of comfort as well as some
(00:49):
source of insight on how to navigatethrough today's present challenges and yet still maintain
a sense of family, community normalcy. So my first question to you,
Geno, is I know that youat one time were a foster child and
(01:10):
now are a foster parent. Canyou tell us a little bit about the
challenges that you faced as a youthgrowing up? First, let me just
like correction, I am no longera foster parent. My children are out
of the house, and my husbandand I now are empty nesters and enjoying
(01:30):
it. Thoroughly, and let melet me let me jump in and say
this because and correct me if I'mwrong. But isn't it true that being
a foster parent extends way beyond whenthe children leave the home. It is
that is very intuitive of you.I think being a parent in general also
(01:55):
extends well beyond the child being athome. Absolutely, And I want you
to give us some insight into becausebefore you even foster children of your own,
you yourself, had went through thesystem, and your experience is no
doubt shape your caring and nurturing approachto the children that you yourself then foster.
(02:17):
Can you tell us what that waslike growing up or taking in my
kids? Let's do both. Let'sstart with the first one. Let's start
with growing up and then taking inyour kids. So, growing up,
I knew there was it. Iwasn't like the other kids. And it's
(02:38):
funny that you asked that question becauseI've recently been in contact with one of
the house parents from one of thegroup homes I was in when I was
a little little and she ended upshe and her husband ended up taking and
adopting another little boy that was withme, who was basically a brother we
were super close and we he andI have reconnected and that I think for
(03:01):
me, even with all the abuseand the turmoil and the changing homes,
losing my brother was really hard forme. We were not biological brothers,
but he was my brother in myheart and he still is. The journey
through foster care was it difficult atbest, horrific at worst. And when
(03:30):
you get to my stage in life, you find yourself looking back and wondering
what a lot of what ifs.And I find myself, even with the
abuse of homes, they molded meinto who I am, So I personally
struggled with what ifs a lot.I wouldn't say it holds me back,
(03:55):
but I wonder, you know,if I hadn't have had this happened,
if if I wasn't with that parent. And you don't think about that when
you're a kid. You think aboutsurviving it. And I was also talking
recently to one of my former socialworkers, and she said, you know,
she was incredibly dedicated. I don'tthink I ever had a social worker
(04:16):
that worked as hard as she did. And I asked her some questions about
some of the decisions that were madeon my behalf and she said, you
know, the system is notoriously underfunded, the social workers are notoriously overworked,
and the squeakiest wheel seems to alwaysget the grease. And she said,
(04:36):
and sometimes you have to make adecision that is, you know, neither
one of which is good. Andit's a difficult spot. And as a
child, the worst thing that happenedto me beyond besides the abuse, was
the transitioning from home to placements,to orphanages or child welfare centers or what
(05:01):
they or whatever they were called backthen. It's you know, even a
dysfunctional, abusive family is better thanno family. And that's a difficult wire
to walk when you're in the positionof taking care of these kids as a
social worker. And I've seen itfirsthand, not just with me, but
with my own kids. So it'sit's a long journey, and it's a
(05:25):
tough journey. And when I lookback back in retrospect, I can't embrace
who I am and not embrace myjourney. So I can't say that I
would change it, or I can'tsay that I would I regret any of
it. It's it's a difficult reality. It's almost a dual reality, knowing
(05:47):
it shouldn't have happened, but knowingif it hadn't happened, I might not
have gone in that direction or thisdirection, or whatever it might be.
No, I appreciate that very candidand very very authentic. And I think
as many families and children, youngpeople and youths who are navigating through this
(06:09):
foster care system, what would youencourage for those who do feel a bit
lost and confused and maybe even abit angry for perhaps being perceived as being
overlooked in the system. I thinkthe minute you step into foster care,
(06:30):
you feel overlooked. There are veryfew that don't struggle with the realities that
they're faced with. And I thinkmy best advice would be to hold on,
to believe in yourself, to recognizeand it's much harder, easier said
than down excuse me, to recognizethat the shame you carry isn't your shame
(06:56):
to carry. It never was.And that was the hardest lesson for me
to figure out, because once Idid, I was able to start letting
go. And if you wascredibly healing, can you explain that, you know?
I think it's such an important pointand I want everyone to really get
the full impact of it. Whenyou say it's the shame is not yours
(07:20):
to carry as profound? What doesthat mean? So thank you for asking
the question. I talk about theabuse in my book at length. One
of my abusers sexually abused me,and I carried that shame most of my
(07:42):
young life, and it wasn't untilI was about thirty that I realized it
was not my shame to carry.I was three, four years old,
five maybe five. I was inthere. I was over the period of
several years, and when I realizedthat it was very freeing for me,
it was just kind of like,hm, it was done to me,
(08:05):
it wasn't. And the way thata child predator works is they use a
child's own body as a weapon againstthem. It didn't hurt. It actually
felt good. I was rather neglected, so it was attention. And then
you start to grow up and yourealize, wait a minute, that was
wrong, and then the shame setsto I shouldn't have felt good. I
(08:28):
should have run away. I shouldhave said no. I was three or
four years old. For Pete's sake, of course, that wasn't an option
for me. So when I finallyrealized that I've been carrying this and it's
not just the shame of having beenmolested, it's also just being a foster
child in my time, as afoster child comes with a stigma, and
(08:52):
there's a certain shame that you internalizeas a foster child. There were parents
that wouldn't let their kids play withme simply because I was a foster child,
and they thought I was troubled.And you know it, As we
just come off of celebrating Juneteenth,I think it's really relevant for me to
(09:13):
say, especially for the people thatwill read my book, that I was
a young, cute, blonde hair, blue eyed, white kid and most
of the kids that were in thesystem with me were not And even at
five, six, seven years old, I sensed a difference and it's stuck
(09:35):
with me, and I think that'swhy I have such a tremendous sense of
correcting injustice. My brother that Ijust spoke about earlier, he was an
African American boy and adopted by thetwo white house parents. And even we
were little, it's in the housewe were never treated any differently. There
(09:56):
was no color in the house,but the minute we were at the world
at large, we were treated differently, and I look back and I think
to myself, what would have becomeof me if I had been a little
black boy. There's no way,and that right there is one of the
(10:16):
biggest problems, in my opinion,in the system is that these kids are
shuffled through so fast that their culturalidentity often is overlooked. And they're better
about it now. I have tosay. When I became a foster parent
and my former husband and I wentthrough the trainings, they really worked hard
(10:39):
on making sure you understood the importanceof no matter what ethnicity the child is
that you took, whether it bewhite, Black, Asian, whatever,
that you help that child identify withtheir heritage, which is great. It's
a lot harder to do, butit's it's great that they're doing that now,
(11:01):
and there's a shame that comes alongwith that. I can only imagine
his name is CC, what hemust have felt like as a little black
boy surrounded by you know, he'sdealing with not being with his birth family,
being adopted by a white family,and growing up outside of his own
identity. I never had to worryabout that. That was not one of
the layers. I had many otherlayers but that's a real thing that I
(11:22):
think people need to really think aboutbefore they get into this, because culture,
cultural, excuse me, identity isimportant. And for me, you
know, as an effeminate young boyalmost pretty it people, I had that
sort of I guess working against me. I wasn't your typical Tonka truck playing
(11:46):
boy. So the multifaceted layering ofthese kids is much much deeper than if
you've given birth to a child andraised it from the minute you brought it
home from the hospital, and that'sthere's a there's a there's a shame if
(12:09):
you're raised in another ethnicity than whatyou were born to, there's there's an
instant shame that comes from that,from your original your original tribe, so
to speak. And it's not necessarilythat they'll put it on you, but
you can feel it like I'm different. And my biological cousin had four beautiful
children of her own, and shewanted a fifth, and she did an
(12:33):
open adoption and adopted this absolutely amazinglittle black baby who's this beautiful woman now
and a mother of her own.And she worked really hard on helping her
daughter discover her own identity within herfamily and within her ethnicity, and that's
(12:54):
not an easy thing to do whenyou have a beautiful child in your arms
that says, mommy, my hairwas as straight and blond as yours.
How do you respond to that?What do you say? Because whatever you
say in that moment could have alifelong impact on that child, And of
course it hasn't handled it beautifully,like she said with all of her children,
(13:18):
but it's it's a difficult rope towalk. Absolutely. Thank you so
much for speaking on that and verypowerful real life experiences, and it does
motivate me to ask this next question, because when you became a foster parent,
(13:39):
you know, taking into consideration yourupbringing and and the things that you
perceived were harmful to your upbringing asa foster child, how were you able
to make better choices as a fosterparent. I'm really glad you asked that
question because in writing this book,I mean, as parents, we all
(14:05):
it doesn't come with an instruction manual. We just kind of figure it out.
But in my case, I'm ableto look back now and recognize some
of the mistakes that I made withboth my kids, and you know,
I do know in my heart thatthe decisions that I made, and the
(14:28):
things that I was doing came fromno place but love. My grandmother said
something to me once with my daughterand she. We were having lunch and
my grandmother, she was a veryclearly opinionated woman, and she said to
me, Honey, she needs afriend, not a father, And I
(14:50):
said, I disagree with that.She needs both. And what I ended
up doing with both my kids,which we tend to do with parents anyway,
we tend to use our experience asa guide for raising our children,
(15:11):
and we want to help, especiallywhen they're teenagers. We want to identify
with them. We want them tofeel like we understand them, and that
I think the biggest mistake that Imade with both of my kids was I
projected my experience, in my experienceonto them as their reality. Oh,
I understand, I went through thattoo. I know exactly how you feel.
(15:33):
And that was the wrong thing tosay, because that's not what they
need to hear. What they needto hear is what can I do?
How can I help? What canI do to support you? This must
be incredibly difficult for you. AndI didn't figure that out until my youngest
was halfway through his senior year inhigh school, and then I actually sat
down with him and I said,you know what, I need to apologize
(15:54):
to you because I am self identifyingthrough you and that's not fair to you.
You need me to be there foryou and listen to your experience and
help you work through it in yourway, not my way, in your
way. And I think that's amistake that, like I said, most
parents make with their own biological children, and those of us that grew up
(16:15):
in the system that then want togive back and take children from the system.
We have a tendency to try toover understand what our kids are going
through instead of just listening. Wow. Wow, that's powerful, powerful and
(16:38):
so as as so as a parentand as now an advocate for use today,
what advice do you have for youngpeople still navigating through the system.
First and foremost, that's a toughone because the system is still broken.
(17:02):
My advice would be, find yourtribe, find your people, Find the
people that give you support that youneed because they're there, whether it's a
teacher, a counselor a social worker, a foster parent. You know,
most people nowadays are in become fosterparents for the right reasons and from doing
(17:26):
some research on my book. WhatI've discovered is that the biggest problem now
is these abused, neglected, tormentedchildren abusing, neglecting, and tormenting other
children. It's not so much theparents like it was when I was little.
So talking. You know, ifsomebody does something to you or hurts
(17:48):
you or threatens you, even ifit's a peer, talk about it.
Tell someone, because the system isn'tis not going to keep you safe.
And I hate to say that,and that's part of the reason why I've
recently reached out to a couple ofthe organizations I was with as a child
and asked if I could help,Like, can I volunteer, be a
(18:10):
mentor help with fundraising anything, becauseit doesn't you don't you don't have to
take a child into your home tohelp. And that's one of the things
I think a lot of people missis that, you know, you can
make donations, you can donate yourtime, you can be a big brother
or a big sister. There's somany different things that people can do to
(18:33):
support these kids because they're still marginalizedand there's still and that that in and
of itself is a form of trauma. You grow up on the fringes of
society, feeling like you're different becauseyou are, and then treated like you're
different because you are, and treatedlike you're less than and that sticks with
a kid. Yeah, very true, And thank you so much for offering
(18:59):
those practical, practical suggestions. AndI think it's so needed because a lot
of our children do suffer in silenceand to be reminded that that they that,
no matter where they experience suffering ourabuse from whether it be from an
adult, are another child to speakup, to speak out. And I
(19:25):
love that advice. Find your tribe, find those who who genuinely support you.
And I also appreciate the encouragement forothers to get involved in any way
they can't to support the upbringing andthe and the and the genuine support of
these the young people who have beenthrown into this, as you mentioned,
(19:45):
system that has many flaws. Youknow, it's a blessing. And I
want to say this with the truestsincerity that you are stepping into this space
to provide some encouragement for for youngpeople and for families, because at this
point in the world, and asin twenty twenty three, we really do
(20:07):
need a voice of wisdom and comforton the subject, and so thank you
for volunteering your time to step intothat space. I no problem. There
was something else I was going tosay. It just completely went out of
my mind. Senior moment. Yeah, I just feel like my big I
(20:30):
was going to talk about my hometownwhere I ended up when I was twelve,
The Power and I was recently featuredon the front page of their newspaper,
and I had written them a letterof thank back in two thousand and
nine because one of my foster familieswent sideways and it ended up it was
front page news and I had tobe removed. And the act of moving
(20:56):
a child, just that act aloneis damaging to the child, and people
don't I don't people think people reallyrealize that. And I think I had
a social worker who chose to keepme in a home because she understood that
(21:17):
it wasn't just about the home.It was also about the community that I
was a huge part of. Sowhen this went down and was on the
front page of the newspaper, theywere both very well known educators in the
community. I was terrified that Iwas going to have to leave my community.
I finally had a community that Iwas, you know, I played
sports, I was involved, andI had friends, I did sleepovers.
(21:37):
All the things that most kids takefor granted were all mostly my first of
significance in my life, and I'llnever forget it. With my freshman year
in high school and the principal pulledme out of class and took me into
his office and he said, you'rea very popular young man. And it
was the day it hit the newspaper, and I kind of looked at him
(22:00):
like, well, he said,my phone he's been He said, I've
been an educator for thirty years andI've never seen anything like this. My
phone has been ringing off the hookall morning with people in this community that
are offering me a place to stay. And I remember sitting there going what
And the feeling that that gave mein that moment and pretty much through the
(22:22):
rest of high school was one ofempowerment. It was like I describe it
as the circling of the wagons,Like they circled the community, circled me
and said, Nope, you can'thave this one. This one's hours will
take care of it from here,and they did. There's power in that,
and you know, obviously there's onlyone of me and like something like
(22:45):
twenty different people that were offering togive me a home, and I chose
one that I knew. But thepower that the community has over a child
is not something that should be overlooked. Wow. Wow, that is beautiful.
Wow, that's a that is nota push and encouragement for us to
(23:11):
get involved and to stay present forour children. I don't know what is
that is beautiful. And I wouldalso like to say, for those of
us that have grown up in thesystem, if we've found our way in
this world, we did not findour way alone. In most cases,
someone somewhere either helped or touched you. And I can tell you from personal
(23:33):
experience, reaching out to those peopleand giving them a heartfelt thank you,
honestly is the most powerful thing youcan do for not just for that person,
but for yourself. I was ableto reconnect with one of the I
said earlier in the broadcast that Iwas able to reconnect with one of mine
house parents from one of the grouphomes, and I just said to her,
(23:59):
thank you, thank you, becauseyou were my first taught me how
to ride a bike. The firstChristmas is that I can remember the first
birthday parties. I can remember thefirst word I could spell, the first
time I sat down that I canremember every single night with a family for
dinner. Those things imprint on achild, and they're powerful and they're important.
And she got a little weepy andshe was like, oh my gosh,
(24:22):
thank you. I had no ideaI had such an impact even teachers
now. I think she's since passed. But my seventh and eighth grade English
teacher, Missus Montgomery from East AvenueMiddle School, she's the one that taught
me that writing his power, andup until probably five four years ago,
she sent me a Christmas card everyyear. And I think it's important for
(24:47):
those of us that have been blessedand fortunate enough to find our way in
the world to make sure we paytribute to those that help us get here.
It's important important for us, it'simportant for them because it also makes
it worth it for the people thatare going out on a limb and doing
the things that they did. Gratitude. That's my overall message. Be grateful,
(25:15):
express gratitude, don't take it forgranted, and don't try to act
like you got here alone because youdidn't. Hm well, said, well
said, and and and extremely moving. Now we know, Geno, you
have a book coming out, UMthat's coming up soon. I do want
to let people know that they canactually visit your website to subscribe and get
(25:40):
not the vacations when that book isgoing to be released, UM, can
you give us that website for us. It's my first and last night name
Gino Madaris dot com and that's spelledg I n O M E D E
I r O s dot com.And we're going to have a link to
(26:04):
his website and the description of theshow. So wherever you are listening to
this podcast on Spotify, iHeartRadio,go ahead and just go to the description
link and click on that and thatwill take you directly to his website.
And we also know that you werejust recently featured on the cover of Hollywood
Magazine for a really good, agreat exclusive interview. So congratulations on that.
(26:26):
Thank you so, Gino, Wethank you so much for taking the
time to be with us today andto share your story and to definitely share
your knowledge of the industry and yourexperiences of navigating through the system. And
I do want to encourage people ifit's okay before I let you go.
I want to encourage those individuals outin the community, educators, organizations that
(26:51):
deal with young people, foster childrenas well, to reach out to Gino
and tap into his wisdom and experience. He has a lot of powerful stories
to share that can really help shapethe culture of young people but also parents
and adults who are looking to understandour young people better. So again,
(27:11):
you guys can reach out to Ginoat his website. You guys, again
click on that link in the descriptionof the show and stay connected with him
to continue to empower yourself and thecommunity to think and look beyond the hurt
and the pain to something better.And Gino, with your wisdom and advice
today, we know that there isas much better ahead if we apply it.
(27:33):
So thank you again for being ontoday's program. My pleasure. Thank
you all. Right now, beforewe let everyone go at home, thank
you guys so much for joining uson JB in New York. And before
you click that in our off button, please stay tuned and listen to a
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