July 26, 2025 • 16 mins
In this classic stand-up performance, George Carlin takes aim at the absurdities of airline announcements, exposing the ridiculous jargon and confusing euphemisms used by the airline industry. With his razor-sharp wit and signature observational humor, Carlin hilariously breaks down the way airlines talk to passengers like they’re clueless sheep — and we all know he’s not wrong.This bit is a masterclass in comedy timing, wordplay, and cultural criticism. Whether you’ve heard it before or are discovering it for the first time, George Carlin’s take on "pre-boarding" and "final boarding call" will leave you howling with laughter. His ability to transform mundane experiences into brilliant comedic commentary is why he remains one of the greatest comedians of all time.🎧 Hit play and take a trip through Carlin’s comedic genius — no boarding pass required. Don’t forget to follow for more legendary stand-up sets from comedy’s elite. #georgecarlin #airlineannouncements #standupcomedy #classiccomedy #observationalhumor #airportjokes #aviationhumor #georgecarlinlive #comedyfans #hbooriginals #vintagecomedy #satiregenius #airportlife #comedianspotlight #comedyhistory #sharpwit #americancomedy #legendarycomedians #airtraveljokes #spokenwordcomedy #languagehumor #comedyclips #spotifycomedy #googlepodcasts #standupbits #hilariousmoments #comedyicons #comedyclassics #funnyman #spokenwordlegend
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Something else we have in common flying on the airlines.
Flying on the airlines and listening to the airlines announcements
and trying to pretend to ourselves that that's the way
the English language ought to be spoken. Doesn't sound that
way to me. Whole thing starts when you get to
the gate. First announcement. We would like to begin the
(00:23):
boarding process. Extra word process not necessary. Boarding is enough.
We'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story.
People add extra words when they want things to sound
more important than they really are. Boarding process sounds important.
It isn't. It's just a bunch of people getting on
(00:46):
an airplane. People like to sound important. Weather Men on
television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers.
I haven't heard one guy on CNN talk about a
rain event. Swear to God. He said, Louisiana is expecting
a ragin event. I thought, holy shit. I hope I
can get tickets to that emergency situation. Newspeople like to
(01:13):
say police have responded to an emergency situation. No they haven't.
They've responded to an emergency. We know it's a situation.
Everything is a situation anyway. As part of this boarding process,
they say, we would like to pre board, What exactly
(01:35):
is that? What does it mean to pre board? You
get on before you get on. That's another complaint of mind.
Too much use of this prefix pre It's all over
the language. Now pre this pre that place the turkey
in a preheated oven. It's ridiculous. There are only two
states an oven can possibly exist in heated or unheated.
(01:56):
Preheated is a meaningless fucking term. It's like pre recorded.
This program was prerecorded. Well, of course it was prerecorded,
when else you're going to record it afterwards. That's the
whole principle of recording, to do it beforehand. Otherwise it
doesn't really work, does it. Pre qualified, pre plan, pre screen.
(02:21):
When I tell these people pre suck my genital situation,
and they seem to understand what I'm talking about. Anyway,
as part of this pre boarding, they say, we would
like to preboard those passengers traveling with small children. Well,
(02:43):
what about those passengers traveling with large children. I suppose
you have a two year old with a ptuitary disorder,
you know, a six foot infant with an oversized head. Damn,
I kind of keep to see In the National Acquirer
all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I
think you're better off checking the any with your luggage
at the curve, don't you. Well, they like it under there.
(03:04):
It's dark. They're used to that. About this time, someone
is telling you to get on the plane. Get on
the plane, Get on the plane. I say, fuck you,
I'm getting in the plane. Let evil, can Evil get
on the plane. I'll be in here with you, folks
in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here.
(03:33):
They might tell you you're on a non stop flight. Well,
I don't think I care for that. No. I insist
that my flight stop, preferably at an airport. Get so
sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seemed to
(03:55):
interrupt the flow of my day. Here's one they just
made up. Near miss. When two planes almost collide, they
call it a near miss. It's a near hat. A
collision is a near miss? Love They nearly miss.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yes, but not quite.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of
a change of equipment, broken plane. We're telling me to
put my seat back forward. Well I don't bend that way.
If I can put my seat back forward, i'd be
in Parno Movies. Then they mentioned carry on luggage. First
(05:03):
time I heard carry on, I thought that we're going
to bring a dead deer on board. I thought, the
hell of anybody that not to have the little TV
dinners anymore? Then I thought, carry on, carry on, there's
going to be a party. People are going to be
carrying on on the plane. Well, I don't care for that.
I like a serious attitude on the plane, especially on
the flight deck, which is the latest euphemism for cockpit.
(05:27):
I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a
lovely word like cockpit, can you, Especially with all those
stewardess's going in and out of it all the time.
There's a word that's changed stewardess. First it was hostess,
then stewardess. Now it's flight attendant. You know what, I
call her, the lady on the plane. Sometimes it's a
(05:48):
man on the plane. Now that's good equality. I'm all
in favor of that. Occasionally they actually refer to these
people as uniformed crew members. Uniformed as opposed to that
sitting next to you in the grateful dead T shirt
of the fuck you hat who's working on his ninth
little bottle of kolua, I might add, as soon as
(06:13):
they close the door of the aircraft, that's when they
begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture. This
is my favorite part of the plane ride. I listen
very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where
they teach us how to use the seat belt. Imagine this. Here,
we are a plane full of grown human beings, many
(06:36):
of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out
to describe the intricate workings of a belt bottle. Place
the small metal flap into the bakaf well? I ask
for clarification at that point, Yes, pardon me, open here, please,
(06:59):
thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did
you say place the small metal flap into the buckle
or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap.
I have a simple manager, not possess an engineering degree,
nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up
so much of your time. Please continue with the wonderful
(07:20):
safety lecture. Seatbelts high tech shit. The next thing they
do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit.
I do this immediately. I locate my nearest emergency exit
(07:44):
and then I plan my route. You have to plan
your root. It's not always a straight line, is it.
Sometimes there's a really big fat fox sitting right in
front of you. Well, you know you'll never get over him.
I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarfs, cripples,
war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anyone who
looks like they can't move too well. The emotionally disturbed
(08:05):
come in very handy at a time like this. You
may have to go out of your way to find
these people, but you'll get out of the plane a
lot goddamn quicker, Believe me, I say. Let's see. I'll
go around the fat fuck, step on the widow's head,
push those children out of the way, knock down the
paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I
(08:27):
can help others. I can be of no help to anyone.
If I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big
cocksucker standing on my neck, I must get out of
(08:48):
the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a doctor pepper,
and call the police. The safety lecture continues. In the
unlikely event, this is a very suspect phrase, especially coming
(09:08):
as it does from an industry that is willing to
lie about arrival and departure times. In the unlikely event
of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off,
an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you.
(09:30):
Place the mask over your face and breathe normally. Well,
I have no problem with that. I always bread normally
when I'm in a six hundred mile an hour uncontrolled
vertical dive. I also shit normally. Pants. They tell you
(09:54):
to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with
his I did not need to be told that. In fact,
I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help
him at all. This will be a good time for
him to learn self reliance. If he can program as
(10:15):
fucking VCR, he can goddamn jolly well learn who are
just an oxygen mask? Fairly simple thing, Just a little
rubber band in the back is all. It is not
nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, a seat belt.
The safety lecture continues, and the unlikely event of a
(10:40):
water landing, well, what exactly is a water landing? Am
I mistaken? Or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing
into the ocean? Your seat cushion can be used as
(11:05):
a floatation device.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
My seat cushion, Imagine that just what I need to
float around the North Atlantic for several days clinging to
a pillow full of beer fearts.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
The flight continues a little later on, we hear that
captain has turned on the fastened seat belt sign. Well,
who gives a shit? Who turned it on? What does
that have to do with anything? It's on, isn't it?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
And who made this man a captain?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of
an Armed forces swearing in the ceremony or something? Captain,
he's a fucking pilot, and let him be happy with that.
If those sight seeing announcements he's making, or any mark
of his intellect, he's lucky to be working at all.
Tell the captain. Air Marshall Carlin says, go fuck yourself.
(12:27):
The next sentence I hear is full of things that
piss me off. Before leaving the aircraft, please check around
your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might
have brought on board. Well, let's start with immediate seating area.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Seat.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
It's a goddamn seat. Check around your seat for any
personal belongings. Well, what other kinds of belongings are there
besides personal public belongings? Do these people honestly think I
might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park.
(13:20):
You might have broad on board. Well, I might have
brought my arrowhead collection. I didn't, so I'm not going
to look for it. I'm going to look for things
I brought on board. Would seem to enhance the likelihood
of my finding something, wouldn't you say telling me to
(13:44):
return my seatback and trade table to their original upright positions? Fine,
who's going to return this guy in the grateful dead
t shirt and the fuck you had to his original
upright position? About this time they tell you you'll be landing shortly.
That sounded you like we're going to miss the runway.
Final approach is not very promising either, is it? Final
(14:08):
is not a good word to be using on an airplane.
Sometimes the pilot of get on, you'll say we'll be
on the ground in fifteen minutes. Well that's a little vague,
isn't it. Now we're taxing in, she says, welcome into
our hair International Airport. Well, how can someone who is
(14:34):
just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she
isn't even that check. Doesn't this violate something in physics?
We're allly on the ground for seconds. She's coming on
like the fucking mayor's wife were at a local time,
(14:57):
But of course it's the local time. What does you
think we were expecting the time in Pango Pango? Enjoy
You stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination might be.
All destinations are final. That's what it means, destiny final.
(15:22):
If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet.
That captain has asked more shit from the bogus captain.
You know, for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane,
he's taking a mighty big interest in what I'm doing
back here. That's your remain seated until he has brought
(15:49):
the aircraft to a complete stop, not a partial stop,
because during a partial stop, I partially get up place,
continue to observe the now smoking sign until well inside
the terminal. It's physically impossible to observe the no smoking
(16:12):
sign even if you're just outside the door of the airplane,
much less well inside the terminal. E tennamits to the
fucking planes from well inside the terminal, which brings me
to terminal, another unfortunate word to be used in association
(16:35):
with air travel, and they use it all over the airport,
don't they. Somehow, I just can't get hungry at a
place called the terminal snack Bar, but if you've ever
eaten there, you know it is an appropriate name. Thank you.
Something else we have in common flying on the airlines.
Flying on the airlines and listening to the airlines announcements
and trying to pretend to ourselves that that's the way
the English language ought to be spoken. Doesn't sound that
way to me. Whole thing starts when you get to
the gate. First announcement. We would like to begin the
(00:23):
boarding process. Extra word process not necessary. Boarding is enough.
We'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story.
People add extra words when they want things to sound
more important than they really are. Boarding process sounds important.
It isn't. It's just a bunch of people getting on
(00:46):
an airplane. People like to sound important. Weather Men on
television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers.
I haven't heard one guy on CNN talk about a
rain event. Swear to God. He said, Louisiana is expecting
a ragin event. I thought, holy shit. I hope I
can get tickets to that emergency situation. Newspeople like to
(01:13):
say police have responded to an emergency situation. No they haven't.
They've responded to an emergency. We know it's a situation.
Everything is a situation anyway. As part of this boarding process,
they say, we would like to pre board, What exactly
(01:35):
is that? What does it mean to pre board? You
get on before you get on. That's another complaint of mind.
Too much use of this prefix pre It's all over
the language. Now pre this pre that place the turkey
in a preheated oven. It's ridiculous. There are only two
states an oven can possibly exist in heated or unheated.
(01:56):
Preheated is a meaningless fucking term. It's like pre recorded.
This program was prerecorded. Well, of course it was prerecorded,
when else you're going to record it afterwards. That's the
whole principle of recording, to do it beforehand. Otherwise it
doesn't really work, does it. Pre qualified, pre plan, pre screen.
(02:21):
When I tell these people pre suck my genital situation,
and they seem to understand what I'm talking about. Anyway,
as part of this pre boarding, they say, we would
like to preboard those passengers traveling with small children. Well,
(02:43):
what about those passengers traveling with large children. I suppose
you have a two year old with a ptuitary disorder,
you know, a six foot infant with an oversized head. Damn,
I kind of keep to see In the National Acquirer
all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I
think you're better off checking the any with your luggage
at the curve, don't you. Well, they like it under there.
(03:04):
It's dark. They're used to that. About this time, someone
is telling you to get on the plane. Get on
the plane, Get on the plane. I say, fuck you,
I'm getting in the plane. Let evil, can Evil get
on the plane. I'll be in here with you, folks
in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here.
(03:33):
They might tell you you're on a non stop flight. Well,
I don't think I care for that. No. I insist
that my flight stop, preferably at an airport. Get so
sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seemed to
(03:55):
interrupt the flow of my day. Here's one they just
made up. Near miss. When two planes almost collide, they
call it a near miss. It's a near hat. A
collision is a near miss? Love They nearly miss.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yes, but not quite.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of
a change of equipment, broken plane. We're telling me to
put my seat back forward. Well I don't bend that way.
If I can put my seat back forward, i'd be
in Parno Movies. Then they mentioned carry on luggage. First
(05:03):
time I heard carry on, I thought that we're going
to bring a dead deer on board. I thought, the
hell of anybody that not to have the little TV
dinners anymore? Then I thought, carry on, carry on, there's
going to be a party. People are going to be
carrying on on the plane. Well, I don't care for that.
I like a serious attitude on the plane, especially on
the flight deck, which is the latest euphemism for cockpit.
(05:27):
I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a
lovely word like cockpit, can you, Especially with all those
stewardess's going in and out of it all the time.
There's a word that's changed stewardess. First it was hostess,
then stewardess. Now it's flight attendant. You know what, I
call her, the lady on the plane. Sometimes it's a
(05:48):
man on the plane. Now that's good equality. I'm all
in favor of that. Occasionally they actually refer to these
people as uniformed crew members. Uniformed as opposed to that
sitting next to you in the grateful dead T shirt
of the fuck you hat who's working on his ninth
little bottle of kolua, I might add, as soon as
(06:13):
they close the door of the aircraft, that's when they
begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture. This
is my favorite part of the plane ride. I listen
very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where
they teach us how to use the seat belt. Imagine this. Here,
we are a plane full of grown human beings, many
(06:36):
of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out
to describe the intricate workings of a belt bottle. Place
the small metal flap into the bakaf well? I ask
for clarification at that point, Yes, pardon me, open here, please,
(06:59):
thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did
you say place the small metal flap into the buckle
or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap.
I have a simple manager, not possess an engineering degree,
nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up
so much of your time. Please continue with the wonderful
(07:20):
safety lecture. Seatbelts high tech shit. The next thing they
do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit.
I do this immediately. I locate my nearest emergency exit
(07:44):
and then I plan my route. You have to plan
your root. It's not always a straight line, is it.
Sometimes there's a really big fat fox sitting right in
front of you. Well, you know you'll never get over him.
I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarfs, cripples,
war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anyone who
looks like they can't move too well. The emotionally disturbed
(08:05):
come in very handy at a time like this. You
may have to go out of your way to find
these people, but you'll get out of the plane a
lot goddamn quicker, Believe me, I say. Let's see. I'll
go around the fat fuck, step on the widow's head,
push those children out of the way, knock down the
paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I
(08:27):
can help others. I can be of no help to anyone.
If I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big
cocksucker standing on my neck, I must get out of
(08:48):
the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a doctor pepper,
and call the police. The safety lecture continues. In the
unlikely event, this is a very suspect phrase, especially coming
(09:08):
as it does from an industry that is willing to
lie about arrival and departure times. In the unlikely event
of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off,
an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you.
(09:30):
Place the mask over your face and breathe normally. Well,
I have no problem with that. I always bread normally
when I'm in a six hundred mile an hour uncontrolled
vertical dive. I also shit normally. Pants. They tell you
(09:54):
to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with
his I did not need to be told that. In fact,
I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help
him at all. This will be a good time for
him to learn self reliance. If he can program as
(10:15):
fucking VCR, he can goddamn jolly well learn who are
just an oxygen mask? Fairly simple thing, Just a little
rubber band in the back is all. It is not
nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, a seat belt.
The safety lecture continues, and the unlikely event of a
(10:40):
water landing, well, what exactly is a water landing? Am
I mistaken? Or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing
into the ocean? Your seat cushion can be used as
(11:05):
a floatation device.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
My seat cushion, Imagine that just what I need to
float around the North Atlantic for several days clinging to
a pillow full of beer fearts.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
The flight continues a little later on, we hear that
captain has turned on the fastened seat belt sign. Well,
who gives a shit? Who turned it on? What does
that have to do with anything? It's on, isn't it?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
And who made this man a captain?
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of
an Armed forces swearing in the ceremony or something? Captain,
he's a fucking pilot, and let him be happy with that.
If those sight seeing announcements he's making, or any mark
of his intellect, he's lucky to be working at all.
Tell the captain. Air Marshall Carlin says, go fuck yourself.
(12:27):
The next sentence I hear is full of things that
piss me off. Before leaving the aircraft, please check around
your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might
have brought on board. Well, let's start with immediate seating area.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Seat.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
It's a goddamn seat. Check around your seat for any
personal belongings. Well, what other kinds of belongings are there
besides personal public belongings? Do these people honestly think I
might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park.
(13:20):
You might have broad on board. Well, I might have
brought my arrowhead collection. I didn't, so I'm not going
to look for it. I'm going to look for things
I brought on board. Would seem to enhance the likelihood
of my finding something, wouldn't you say telling me to
(13:44):
return my seatback and trade table to their original upright positions? Fine,
who's going to return this guy in the grateful dead
t shirt and the fuck you had to his original
upright position? About this time they tell you you'll be landing shortly.
That sounded you like we're going to miss the runway.
Final approach is not very promising either, is it? Final
(14:08):
is not a good word to be using on an airplane.
Sometimes the pilot of get on, you'll say we'll be
on the ground in fifteen minutes. Well that's a little vague,
isn't it. Now we're taxing in, she says, welcome into
our hair International Airport. Well, how can someone who is
(14:34):
just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she
isn't even that check. Doesn't this violate something in physics?
We're allly on the ground for seconds. She's coming on
like the fucking mayor's wife were at a local time,
(14:57):
But of course it's the local time. What does you
think we were expecting the time in Pango Pango? Enjoy
You stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination might be.
All destinations are final. That's what it means, destiny final.
(15:22):
If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet.
That captain has asked more shit from the bogus captain.
You know, for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane,
he's taking a mighty big interest in what I'm doing
back here. That's your remain seated until he has brought
(15:49):
the aircraft to a complete stop, not a partial stop,
because during a partial stop, I partially get up place,
continue to observe the now smoking sign until well inside
the terminal. It's physically impossible to observe the no smoking
(16:12):
sign even if you're just outside the door of the airplane,
much less well inside the terminal. E tennamits to the
fucking planes from well inside the terminal, which brings me
to terminal, another unfortunate word to be used in association
(16:35):
with air travel, and they use it all over the airport,
don't they. Somehow, I just can't get hungry at a
place called the terminal snack Bar, but if you've ever
eaten there, you know it is an appropriate name. Thank you.
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