August 31, 2025 • 63 mins
In Act Your Age, global comedy superstar Russell Peters delivers a stand-up special full of his signature cultural observations, quick wit, and sharp storytelling. With a focus on generational quirks, aging, and the hilarious differences in how people view life across cultures, Peters proves once again why he’s one of the most relatable and internationally beloved comedians of our time.
This performance blends personal stories with spot-on impressions and social commentary that cuts across borders. Peters’ ability to connect with audiences everywhere through humor about family, culture, and identity makes Act Your Age a timeless comedy special. Whether you’re a long-time fan or hearing him for the first time, this set is guaranteed to leave you laughing and nodding along.
👉 Don’t miss more legendary stand-up—hit subscribe now to stay updated with the best comedy from around the world!
#comedy #comedian #standup #russellpeters #actyourage #standupcomedy #funny #laughs #internationalcomedy #culturalhumor
This performance blends personal stories with spot-on impressions and social commentary that cuts across borders. Peters’ ability to connect with audiences everywhere through humor about family, culture, and identity makes Act Your Age a timeless comedy special. Whether you’re a long-time fan or hearing him for the first time, this set is guaranteed to leave you laughing and nodding along.
👉 Don’t miss more legendary stand-up—hit subscribe now to stay updated with the best comedy from around the world!
#comedy #comedian #standup #russellpeters #actyourage #standupcomedy #funny #laughs #internationalcomedy #culturalhumor
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
And now ladies and gentlemen Canada Zone and the Pride.
I'm Brempton, Ontario and you had Arena give it up for.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
RUSSA say, I'm a Gabby the fuck he babies?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Give it up for my DJ starting from scratch and
want and only give it up for that guy for
never giving up a buffet.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Give it up.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
But I mean that respectfully. I mean, I mean they're
called skinny jeans, is all I'm saying. Good. They have
(01:19):
white people in the middle. That's nice to see. This
is how you know. The Arabs didn't want to sit
right there. They're like, no, please, I'll go, please take
this seats. Let's see, let's see. No, I love you,
I won't do to have I won't you please enjoy?
Please please? Where are you guys from UK? I'm fine,
(01:43):
thank you? But where are you from? Where are you
from from Russia? From? You're from Russia. That's okay, I'm
not Ukrainian. It's fine. You got Russia every ship and
you're from the u K. Good London and you Dubai. No,
(02:04):
that's what I thought when I looked at you. Look
like a bootleg Dubai, maybe like the Karama version. Of Dubai.
I don't know. And what's your name? Russian guy? Your
(02:27):
name Tim?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Tim?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Timur Timore Tomorrow? I actually also, I know, I know
you all think you're from Dubai, but you don't have
an Amarati passport. You're just visiting like the rest of us.
(02:54):
What are you doing out here? Tim? What what made
you invade? I mean, come come here? You're having a
good time. You're living out here? Or you you live
out here? You're hearing bad? Were you on the warfront
(03:14):
and the fucking explosions got to you? But I don't
know what you.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Do?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
You know that brown kid beside you, that one there,
do you know him? Let's checking? I mean, I mean
it's Dubai. Everybody owns an Indian somehow. I don't know
if we all checking.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
There was.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I don't know if there was a group on or something.
But well, it's nice to see white people at least,
you know, and then people in white I don't like
(04:11):
the term. I want to let you guys know. What's
your name? English guy? Martin? Right, be honest with you, Martin,
you sound like a bit of a cunt. I say
it with respect, mate, all right, And who's the ginger
(04:32):
basted with you. Hey, the big guys like, thank god,
the heat's off me. Uh, it's better to get it
first than the rest of them take it after, you
know what I mean, h my boss, it's your boss. Nice?
(04:53):
Are you the boss? He's like, I don't dumpt anything.
Are you Arab? Sir?
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Now?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
What are you? You're from Pakistan, so you're Indian. Listen
if you did some DNA tracing surpies. I don't like
(05:26):
the term white people, Martin. That's what I was trying
to say. I'll tell you why I don't like the
term white people, because you hear white people, you automatically
assume color. And that's just not the case with why
anybody could be physically white really anybody, Like you can
go to India and go to the north and you'll
meet a guy with white skin and blue eyes. You're like,
you're white. He's like not even a tiny bit. Like
(05:55):
white's more than the color, you know, Like look at
some of the Asians that look at some of the
the Chinese, the Koreans, the Japanese, they're very they're physically
whiter than white people. But somehow white people got the
title of white obviously, you know when you look at
the other Asians that they're not white, you know, for
obvious reasons, because they're good at math, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
So.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
But even though white people got the title of white, like,
there's a lot of people that are Like, look at
the girl behind you, she's a very light skin, right,
you're a light skinn lady. But I could tell that
you're not white, but white people wouldn't know, you know
what I mean? Are you Pakistani? I could tell right away.
You guys gave each other some sort of weird look,
like I don't know, some sort of weird Pakistani fucking
(06:46):
hand code. Just but physically you're very fair skinned, you
know what I mean? Like, would you have known, Martin
that that lady wasn't white? I mean obviously because we're here,
but if we were somewhere else, you might have thought.
You know, this is what happens to like non white
people that are very light skin. We have this identity crisis.
(07:06):
So we'll try to pass ourselves, not me, but them
they will. I don't fucking pass off as anything, yeah,
other than you know what you see. But you'll meet
like people that are very light skin, then they'll pass
themselves off is white and the only people that believe
them are white people. The rest of us can see
right through them. And like, I'm like, dude, I know
you're not white. How do you know I'm not white?
(07:27):
Don't I look white? I go, you, you're very fair skin,
but I know you're not white. Well, how do you
know I'm not white? Don't I look white? I go,
you look pale, but I know you're not. How do
you know I'm not white? Because your fucking name is
gerpreat I mean, you're not actually white, like, but you're
(07:47):
just physically white, Like you're not an actual white person.
Your body will remind you, you know what I mean?
Like you, sweetheart, you're very fair skin, right, but I
bet you your nipples are chocolate as fuck, you know
what I mean. Like, I mean, like, show me one
real qick just one, just one. But it's it's not
for me, it's for science. It's for science. I don't
(08:11):
want to see it like sexually. Just okay, white lady,
does a white lad, white lady show her one of
yours real quick, just so I want you to see
what they look like when they're raw. This is it's
like uncooked white women have nipple tartar. It's amazing. You
gotta see this. It's okay.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Take me.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Take me for example. Right, I'm a medium brown. Right,
there's darker brown than me. There's lighter brown than me. Right.
But even though I'm medium brown, my junk black as fuck.
I don't understand. I don't I'm showering. I'm uncomfortable, Like,
who is this? Somebody just got the joke backstage? Are
(09:19):
like there might be uh a delay with the translation.
I know the delay was gonna be fucking two days later.
I didn't know that I got kids. I know you
got kids, Team teamwoard. How many guns? Four? Jesus, you
just like the Russians. You won't pull out of anything, alright.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Uh, okay, your pussy is Ukraine, Okay, I will not
pull out.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Four from one woman, one woman. Nice, congrats. It's honorable
because I have four kids, but I only made two
of them. I made two, and then my wife she
has her own two that she made before me, because
you know she's a whore. I'm kidding. She's here, babe,
(10:24):
by love, you don't leave me. I don't know where
they put my wife, but hopefully not near an exit
row I got. I got two kids that I made.
But like I said, Muhammad, I grew up with Jamaicans
and so I got some good habits and some bad habits.
I got rhythm, but then I got bad habits. You know.
(10:45):
So I got two kids from two different women, Thanks Jamaicans,
and both of my kids are mixed. They're both my
kids are half Hispanic. I don't know there's any Hispanic
people here tonight. Spanish speaking? You know, where are you
guys from Mexico? What do you? How the fuck did
you end up here? How many walls did you want
(11:08):
to hop? Jesus Christ? I mean they know were gonna
hop a wall a wall? And now we'll end it
with hualid. Are you from Mexico? Wabo? Your wavels are
from Mexico. That's congrats on your wavels. Yeah, I got
(11:31):
two half Hispanic kids. Might not. But when you have
mixed kids, I want you to know something. If you
was your wife Russian, now what is she Ukraine? That's
basically so I really wasn't wrong from the beginning at all.
What's that?
Speaker 4 (11:52):
Maybe this move is called chicken kives.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
That's not really I mean to you, it's mixed but not.
You know, really, here's the thing. When you have mixed kids,
you'll know this to be true. Oh there's a couple
right there. I could see that. That's clearly not the
same two people. Where are you from, sir? South African?
You're a Filipino? What are you Chinese?
Speaker 4 (12:28):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Wow, look at that? Who would have thought? And what's
your name, sweetheart? Christine? Oh for sure? Yeah. Now I
looked at you. I was like, that's fucking Christine for sure.
That's where are your parents from? Christine? Hong Kong? Oh yeah,
(12:49):
it's a very popular name. Christine. Do you have a
Chinese name as well? Christine? What is it? Was it?
Move in? Doesn't that they give you when you're in
the hospital. We have to give you a Mophie. She's
(13:13):
in so much pain, she need moping. And what's your
family name? Wong? So you're a Wong Mophine. We get
the Wong Mofine. That's a lawsuit? Is that your husband?
(13:37):
The South African guy? Well, you guys can't stop colonizing either,
Jesus christ Tom. Do you guys have babies? One? How old? Height? Now?
Brand new? Congratulations? What did you what did your name
what a boy or girl? Boy? Nice? That's good. What
(13:58):
did you name him? Did you get a son that
a name or a Chinese name? Callum Callum? You give
him a fucking thick ass Irish name. Did you give
him a Chinese name too? Christine? So just basically fuck
your parents sign? Is that what it was like? So
(14:19):
when he gets older, people like Callum? Why are you
always squinting? I don't know. I have no fucking clue. Callum,
are you high? What you're you talking about? I want
to see your mom? Then you can't meet her. Here's
(14:42):
my dad, here's my dad. Congrats on little Callum Callum.
When he gets older, you'll notice, though, depending on how
you raise him, it's not even based on how you
raise him. In fact, like I'll explain what I mean.
Like my kids are both half half they're mixed. Like
my daughter she's thirteen. When your kids are mixed, they
(15:03):
can't be both, do you know what I mean? Like
my daughter's thirteen now, her mother's Ecuadorian. I'm Indian, and
I'm noticing my daughter at thirteen is leaning towards the
Indian side, right, And that's it's not a victory. Trust me.
We don't. The last thing we need is more you
know what I mean. I don't know if you know this, Christine,
but in April of twenty twenty three, India passed China's population.
(15:28):
We have finally outfucked you. It's really nothing to be
proud of. The You know, the Chinese are still way
more organized than the Indians will ever be. You could
tell when you look at the military. The Chinese military
is all you look at the Indian military though. We're
(15:58):
never gonna invade any buddy, Pakistan. You're safe. We're never
gonna show Come on, please just come home, come home.
So my daughter thirteen, Ecuadorian and Indian, leaning towards the
(16:20):
Indian side. Now, my son, he's four and a half.
His mother's Mexican, and I've noticed my son at four
and a half, is leaning towards the Mexican side. And
that's fine with me. But I gotta be honest with you,
it's a lot more Mexican than I was prepared for.
I didn't know you could be this Mexican at four
and a half when you're only fucking fifty percent Mexican.
Here's how Mexican my son is. Just laugh at this
(16:42):
punchline because I know you're not gonna get it anyway,
but the rest of the world will, so fuck you
and laugh. Okay, here's how Mexican my son is. I
was with the other day and I said, baby, you
want to go to chuck e cheese? He said, home Depot.
I said, wait, you want to go inside home depot? Outside?
(17:08):
How does he know you can't fight genetics? My son
is Mexican as hell. Here's how Mexican my son is. Uh,
what's your name? Mexican guys George, Jorge, Jorge and Javier
Jorge and how he Here's how Mexican my son is.
(17:28):
Like I said, I live in Los Angeles. I have
a pool in my backyard, and I have a fence
around my pool. And yeah, he's halfway up the fucking
thing already. I pulled him off. You know what he
tried to do dig underneath. I go, what are you doing,
(17:49):
my little chaparito. And then my wife. My wife is Filipino,
and uh, which is kind of awkward walking around. Uh
the U a E with a Indian husband and a
Filipino wife. Everyone thinks the driver's fucking the nanny. Okay,
(18:28):
so my wi my wife is, uh, she's here. Where
is my wife? Where are you? Babe? Where is she?
She's out there? Right? Is she out there? Do you
know where she is? When she's over there, get a
shot at her so as they could see that she's
a real person. Babe, Where are you? Stand up? Looker,
there she is. That's her. That's her. That's thought. That's
(18:49):
the one I bought. Anyway. My wife is Filipina and
she has two daughters, and uh, those are my daughters
now because their dad wasn't exactly active, so I stepped
in on the I mean he was active to make them.
But after that, nah, you know. But so those are
(19:11):
my babies. Now, those are my girls. I raised them,
there are, Uh, but I raise them from twenty eight
to thirty one. I Uh, but my stepdaughters they're half
black and half Filipina. So I got black and Filipina
and Hispanic and Indian all in one house. I should
(19:33):
be getting a tax grant for something I don't know.
The only pure breeds in my house are my dogs. Uh, Mohammed,
you'll appreciate this. Sincerely, sincerely, only closest thing to a
black guy we have in here right now I'm the
(19:56):
first and only non black man my wife has ever
been with. So thanks. Those were some big penises to fill.
Those were the first time my wife and I did it.
I was so scared. I taped my balls to my
dick just so it looked like a PEPSI can coming
(20:20):
at her just first time we did it. And when
I tell you, I fell in love, I fell in
and I uh like a turtle on his back. We
can't have stools like this in my house. My wife's like, so, baby,
(20:53):
where did that stool go?
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Here?
Speaker 1 (20:57):
It is? I'm chidding. She's tight, she's tight. How old
are your kids? There? Tim? Eleven six, four eleven six,
four and three months? Wow? Space amountain. Then you just
(21:17):
rushed the last few out. Nice congrats and where's your wife?
I guess with the three month old back right now? Yeah,
you're like, you have the baby, you'll stay home. Did
you come with Martin? Not come with Martin? Because obviously,
judging by your track record, if you did come with Martin,
he'd be pregnant. How old are you? Timmy thirty nine?
(21:49):
God damn thirty nine of four kids. I'm fifty three.
Now that's it's no, it's nothing, it's nothing to woo about.
And it's uh, I'm getting old. How old are so older?
Speaker 2 (22:00):
No?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Thirty six? Yeah no, you're only two years older than
my career and that's not old to me. That's that
was still the good old days for me. If they're
in thirty six, get older and young people bother you. You know,
like I used to think millennials were assholes because I'm
gen X, That's what I guess my title would be
(22:23):
gen X. And then the millennials came along. We're like,
fuck you, millennials, and the millennials like, what's your problem, dude,
We're just the next generation. Why do you gotta be
all old? And I, oh, you know, you don't understand.
And I'm like, we understand. There's gonna be somebody to
come along and fuck with you. No, there won't. We're
gonna be understanding. Then gen Z showed up in millennials
like what the fuck is their problem? I'm like, it's
(22:47):
inevitable as you get older, the next generation below you
is going to annoy you. I remember when I was
in my early twenties, a guy in his fifties came
out to me. I was like, your generation sucks. Your
music is trash. You haven't contributed to this world. Old
I can't wait for life to kick you in the nuts.
I remember looking at him and thinking in my head,
fuck you, you old bastard. You're just old and forgot
(23:10):
how to enjoy life. When I get into my fifties,
I'll never be like you. Dah, it's inevitable. You don't
want to be like that, but you just can't help it.
You know, I talked to younger men, talk to young people,
and the other Yeah, I'm a young person talking to
You're like, just shut the fuck up. They don't want
(23:34):
to tell you things. Hey, did you know? Did you know?
Did you know? Did you know you could shut the
fuck up? Did you know that? Did you know that?
In the eighties? I was there, you're googling my life.
It's funny because like my generation, I'll admit this openly
(23:59):
to my generation is unreasonably annoyed by gen Z, and
I'll admit it to you. And I know there's some
gen Z people here. I could tell because you're all
fidgeting like fucking crackhead because you don't have your phones
right now. You're like, I just need one TikTok man.
(24:27):
Let me just check a TikTok man. I got these
cheese burkers. That was for scratch. But everything that my
generation doesn't like about you young people, that kid who
answers questions and doesn't know he's answering them. What's your name, buddy?
(24:53):
What called hey, Collin? How old are you called? Eighteen? Yeah,
you're exactly who I'm talking about. Yeah, we're gonna call
you Kara Khalid. I feel bad because your mom's right there,
(25:16):
but because every time I say something, your mom does this.
Speaker 5 (25:19):
Oh, this is the one time your mom was like,
I wish I woanted the fool. I wish I wore
the fool the one day I should have won fool.
I bring with me, call it.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I'll tell you my generation is mean to your generation,
and I want to apologize, but I can't. But it's true.
But here's the thing. Everything my generation doesn't like about
your generation is actually my generation's fault. Like every single
thing you guys do that we don't like, We made
(26:05):
that happen. Like, think about what our generation says about
younger people. They're fucking lazy. That's our fault because my
generation said, you know what, I'm gonna work hard so
my kids don't have to work that hard, so they
can enjoy life a little bit more. But now we're
mad at them for it, Like, why did you get
(26:27):
a job?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
I got a job.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I started a YouTube channel. I'm an influencer. What the
fuck is an influencer?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
What do you do?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I open packages and I film it, and I tell
people what's inside the package, and they give them a
review of the package. It's called an unboxing. And that's
the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Who
(27:04):
watches this ship five million subscribers? Influencer, that's a real job.
You didn't have any influencers in my generation, Salad, Did
you know any influencers growing up? I knew I did.
I knew one. I knew one influencer. It was my
(27:25):
dad's right hand. That was the only influencer I knew.
To other dishes, I don't want to How about to
influence you, I'll open your head up like a package.
I'll tell everybody what's that hide? Nothing?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Unboxing? My generation boxed. This generation unboxed. Oh look inside.
It comes in great packaging.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
I really like it. It's a nice weight, it's got
a good weight to it. But everything they do that
we don't like. We did this. They're always on their
cell phone. That's our fault. We made the cell phone.
They don't know what life is like without the Internet.
That's our fault. We made the internet the soft They
(28:30):
never got beaten by their parents. We are their parents.
It was our job to whoop their asses, and we failed.
And I know I'm guilty of it because before I
had kids, I talked all kinds of shit. I was like, yo,
you watch when I have kids, I'm gonna fuck them up.
What did I have? First? A daughter? Nope, never gonna
(28:51):
hit my daughter, thirteen years old, sweetest little girl in
the world. I raised my voice at my daughter. I
raised my voice of my daughter once and then I
cried right after. You know, the worst part was she
consoled me. She was like, it's okay, daddy, You're a
nice daddy. But if you think about it, every generation's
(29:19):
ass whoopings got less and less and less to where
it's at now. I remember my dad used to tell
me how much better my ass whoopings were than the
ones he got while he was whooping my ass. Oh lucky,
this is areo kidding. You know, your grandfather threw a
leopard at me. What where do you get a leopard from?
(29:47):
It was India, They went everywhere. He was like, Dad,
I've been to India twenty times. I never saw one leopard.
That's because of your grandfather. Everything that's wrong with this
generation is our fault. We did this to them, but
(30:09):
they took it to another level. You know, we kind
of set it up and they just went extreme with it.
You know, like I'm from the generation that makes fun
of you when we meet you. My generation makes fun
of you. We fuck with you, and that's how we
check your temperature. Like if you can deal with my bullshit,
then we can be friends, you know what I mean.
But this younger generation, they do not get that at
all because they're so used to being fake. Like everything
(30:32):
about them is fake. You don't know how to be
real anymore. Not you come Maybe you do. I don't
know called you don't. I can tell you don't because
you raise your hand and put it down and I
asked you, like hands, you know why not it?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I am?
Speaker 1 (30:49):
But everything is like like your generation really doesn't understand
the ball breaking. That's what we call it. Collid We
call it ball breaking. That's what guys do from my generation.
We break balls, and that's how we know we're okay.
In America, it's even worse. Like I'll give you an example.
I went to this store, right, I was buying a
bunch of stuff, and I get to the cash to
pay for it, and there's two young gen z fuckfaces
(31:11):
working there, right, a guy and a girl maybe twenty
twenty one years old, right, And the guy's ringing me
up and the girl's putting it in the bag. And
some guy walks in to the store, and the guy
ringing me up looks over and goes, oh my god,
I haven't worked with him in a while. And then
the girl goes, oh my god, Enis, And I go
(31:33):
what She goes, that's his name, Enis? And I go,
what's his sister's name? A China? And and I started laughing,
all right, because it's fucking funny. That's why I started laughing.
(31:55):
But apparently I laughed like a psychopath, ah, thinking that
these kids are gonna go, that's pretty funny too. But
she went, he's really nice. You know. I never said
he wasn't nice. It just said his name's Enis, so
you know, it's kinda kind of funny, right, And I'm
(32:17):
looking at the guy, thinking the guy is gonna, you know,
be like, oh yeah, come on, he's pretty. It's funny.
It's funny, you know, like thinking he's gonna go with
guy code. This little fucking nerd this looks at me
and goes, you know, he was bullied a locked because
of his name.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I go, yeah, he.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Should have been. His name is fucking Enis. You can't
just go name in your kid Enis. I think everything's
gonna be okay. There's no winning with this name. You're
either Penis or Anis. There's nothing good.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
These kids just.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Turning because your stuff, sir, Thank you ver very much. Blay.
I don't want to be the person that the old
guy that gets annoyed by young people, but you just
do it. They're doing things to us, you know. And
at fifty three, you got to understand I'm closer to
dementia than I am to anything else, you know, And
(33:21):
the way this generation is behaving, I'm gonna think I
have dementia. Well before I have dementia. They're trying to
get rid of words. This dude comes up and goes, hey, man,
can't say the R word, I said I was in Japan.
Neither can they. I go, what our word? By the way, Russell,
(33:46):
he goes, no retard. Go who you're calling a retard? No,
you can't say retard anymore. I'll go, I just did.
I got bad news for you, buddy. I say retard
all the time. I say retard, I say retarded, I
say fuck retardation. I say it all and I feel nothing. Well,
(34:06):
you're gonna have to stop. I'm not gonna stop saying
retard until you get the French to stop saying it.
I was at the airport in Canada and my flight
was delayed, and in English it said delayed, and in
French it said on retard and I laughed like a
little schoolgirl. I couldn't wait to call my friend, Yo,
(34:27):
you're gonna have to pick me up later. My flight's retarded.
Shit in the UAE, I bought I view profe that
said brufin retard. It's literally in every drug store. I
bought it just to take home with me, anything to
declare just this retard pills. So yeah, I'm not gonna
(34:52):
stop saying retard. Well, you're gonna have to, I said,
why well, I don't. I have to stop saying retard
because it's offensive. I was like to who, You're the
one calling people this, not me. I'm calling everything but
(35:13):
a handicap person a retard. You're call a handicap person
a retard. You're a piece of shit, and you can't
say gay anymore? What I have gay friends? I came
to like, yo, these are my gay friends. You refer
to gay people as gay, but you can't just go
arbitrarily calling things gay anymore. This is fucking retarded, dude,
(35:35):
this is this is the gayest thing I've ever heard
in my life.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
What do you.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
So? Wait? I can't say gay or retard anymore. No,
how am I supposed to talk to my brother every
conversation is they call me back, You're retard, don't be gay.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Click.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
You gotta understand. I grew up in the seventies and eighties.
Gay and rechard is all we said. Gay was the
best insult you could give a guy because it wasn't
really offensive. It was more of an eye got me.
You know, you would never call somebody gay if they
were actually gay. But in the seventies we didn't realize
gay was a real thing like in the seventies, Like,
(36:21):
nobody's really gay, are they. I mean, we just didn't know.
It was like a genetic you know, we didn't know
it was genetic. We just let ay he's gay. He's
not gay? I mean, who's really gay? Like you know
if you like you know, buttholes, women have them too,
you know what I mean, Like just we don't know
it's more than that, you know, and you would call
(36:44):
somebody gay or doing the most heterosexual thing possible, like you, Timm,
you have four kids with your wife gay? You know
what I mean, Like that's even because it's the least
gay thing you could do. We were in denial in
the seventies. A college, if you don't have a good time,
you go to YouTube and you type in the best
(37:04):
of the nineteen seventies and you will see right in
front of you that the seventies was the gayest decade ever.
It was so and we had no clue it was
gay because we were in denial about it. I don't
know if you guys remember the village people from a
village people, they were like the gayest group on the planet,
and we had no clue they were gay, Like they're
(37:24):
not gay. That guy's a construction worker, that guy's a biker,
that guy's Native American. They don't make gay Native Americans.
They're singing about being a macho man. That's the least
gay man you can be. We didn't know what gay was.
(37:45):
I remember in nineteen eighty four, I'm in the mall.
I'm fourteen years old. One of my friends runs up
and goes, yo, come to the supermarket. There's two lesbians
and I ran because I'm fourteen and I heard lesbians.
What do I know about lesbians at fourteen? Nothing? All
I know is blah blahlah ah. That's all I know.
(38:07):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
That's all.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
That's it. That's all I know. And I'm like, oh
my god, they must be doing it in every aisle.
So I run to the supermarke. I don't know what
I'm thinking, Like they're just hey, let's go to the
mall and blah. I don't know what I'm I don't
know what I'm thinking. I get to the supermarket. I'm
so mad. It was just two women with a shopping
cart full of cucumbers. We didn't know anything in the eighties,
(38:42):
you know, That's why our generations so fucked up like,
that's why our generation it's created gen Z. We passed
our fucked upness to the next generations. We skipped the
millennials because that was a whole other generations problem. You
know what it is like our my generation, everything grown up.
(39:06):
Everything fell into this blanket of life. Everything was called life.
There was no sub sections. Everything that happened to you
was life. You lost your job, that's life. My house
burnt down, man, that's life. My wife left me, that's life. Bro.
Everything was life. There was nothing to define it other
than life. And gen Z came along and wanted label everything.
(39:29):
Every fucking thing had a label. Everything needed a label
and the ow deed on the label, you know, like
like I haven't always had ad D I know I did,
but in the eighties there was no diagnosis for the
ADD I remember nineteen eighty five. I went to the
Guidance Council. I go, I's fifteen. I go, what do
(39:51):
you thing's wrong with me? Goes, h, you're a fucking idiot,
And I went it was not like a professional, No, no,
you're you're a fucking idiot. And I remember going that
sounds about fair, I think, yeah, I remember going home
and he goes, what are the guidance council? Let's say
(40:11):
I said it was a fucking idiot. He's right. Like
everything that we're complaining about with gen Z is our
fault too. Like we complain that they're sensitive, you know,
every like everything bothers them. What's their problem where they're
so sensitive? How come they get so offended by everything?
Every interview I do is like, Russell, you're worried about
(40:33):
cancel culture. I'm like, no, why not? Because the fucking
these kids aren't looking at me except for Hallakada over there,
just but they get so they get offended easy. And
that's and that's my generation's fault too. And I'll tell
you why it's our fault because my generation started political correctness.
(40:55):
But here's what young people don't understand. We started political
correctness out of this. Wouldn't do it because we were bored.
We did it because our parents' generation was insane. You
got to understand my father he was born in nineteen
twenty five, Yeah, my dad, and my dad was here's
(41:15):
the thing. My dad was born in India while it
was still under British rule. My dad said racist shit
all day long. He had no clue that it was racist.
I go, Dad, you say a lot of racist. How's
going to be racist? I learned English from the British.
They are the least racist people. We started political correctness
(41:42):
because our parents' generation didn't know when not to say something.
It was a Chinese family three houses down from me.
My dad used to refer to them as the Oriental family.
I'm like, Dad, they're not rugs. From the age of four,
four or five years old to now, fifty three, ninety
(42:02):
seven percent of my friends are black, which is great,
but it was a little awkward in my teenage years
because my dad used to use out of date terminology.
I remember being like fifteen, sixteen years old. My friend
would knock on the door. I'm mister Peters, is Russell here?
(42:24):
One second? Please do me if we'll decide this, let's
stay away from the car. Son. There's a young Negro
(42:45):
boy here looking for you. I come down. My dad's
pointing at him. I go, Dad, why are you pointing
at him? So you know where he is? There's only
one person standing there. The Oriental boys in the back.
(43:07):
Look see playing Chinese check us or something. I don't
know what he's doing. And I go to my dad,
and this is what was frustrating about my parents' generation.
They would defend everything they said, and their defense would
make sense. I go, Dad, why did you call him
a young Negro boy? What part of that description is
not correct? Is he an old white woman? No? So
(43:34):
we started political correctness to stop that kind of stuff
from going forward. We weren't trying to change the world.
We were just trying to make little differences so that
there would be less speed bumps for the next generations.
We meant well, we were naive, and then this gen
z fuck faces showed up and they took advantage of us,
(43:55):
and they were like, hey, uh, you know that politically
correct thing you guys are doing. I'm like, yeah, we'd
like to add some things to it, Like, oh, sure,
we must have missed something. Well, well, yeah, what we
would like to add You know how I was born
a male? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm aware of that.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
I don't feel comfortable identifying as a male anymore. Okay,
well maybe it'd be more comfortable identifying as a female. No, oh,
those were the only options. I just feel like these
(44:45):
are social constructs that are designed to keep us apart
from each other when we are neither black nor white,
not male nor female. We're simply just one people, one race,
the human race. And I'm like, listen here, other fucker.
(45:16):
I got real life adult problems going on in my world.
I don't need your young, confused, bored bullshit to get
in my way. Now. I want you to be whatever
the fuck you want to be, and I want you
to be the best version of it you can be,
and I'll support whatever it is you tell me you
think you are. But you can't get mad at me
(45:37):
if I don't know what you think you are when
I look at you, if I see what I think
as a dude, I'm like, hey, man, I'm not a man.
I identify as a table. How am I supposed to
(46:02):
know you're a table? You only got two legs, You're
a city table. I hear a lot of young people
talk about suffering from anxiety. I suffer from anxiety. Oh
my god, I'm suffering. I still young. Girls. You suffer
from anxiety, don't you getting? Do you get anxiety? I know,
(46:24):
coll it. Do you get anxiety? Now you're sure, buddy,
you're giving your mom anxiety? Right now, I'll be honest
with you, young leg I suffer from anxiety. Look at me,
suffer fucking anxiety. How do you get anxiety in your twenties?
You got tax problems, you got baby mamas. You don't
(46:47):
have any fucking anxiety. Young people have no clue what
anxiety is. I know what anxiety is because I dealt
with it without even knowing why I was dealing with it.
My generation knows anxiety. Let me tell you. Let me
tell you what real anxiety is. Let me tell you
what real anxiety is. Anxiety, This is what we had
to deal with. Anxiety was trying to masturbate to porn
(47:10):
in the eighties. That's anxiety because it's not like now
where it's just everywhere. Anybody in this room don't do it.
But anybody in this room for no reason to fill
out their phone and look at porn, just like I
just porn and then put it away. And I know
what you're thinking, Oh not over here. Yeah, everybody has
(47:32):
a VPN, you fuckers. I know what you do. I'm
surprised to express a VPN hasn't opened up an office here.
But porn is just there, It's readily available. It's just
(47:52):
it's just there, like back in the eighties, it was
not that easy. It was a different time. If you
wanted to see porn in the eighties, you actually had
to be a real pervert because you had to make
a plan, a mental plan. Not now you're like, I
don't know, I think I'm might get a boner. Back then,
(48:13):
you would plan it all right, tonight, I'm gonna watch
some more. I know what you're thinking. Why couldn't you
just watch it anytime? Because in the eighties you only
had one TV and one VCR in the house, and
(48:34):
it was in the living room downstairs. You couldn't just
show up at five point thirty in the evening. Hey mom, Dad,
you're gonna watch the news? Or can I can I
find out what Debbie's gonna do to Dallas. You had
(48:55):
to make the plan. And here's what happened. You would
go to bed and you would lay awake in your
own bed till like two in the morning, wide awake,
just you'd wait for everybody to go to sleep. That's
(49:15):
how demented we were. You'd wait, then you'd hear everybody snoring.
You're like now, and you'd reach beside the bed where
you had the videotape because you stashed it and you
sneak out of your room. You're sneaking around your own
(49:37):
house like a perverted burglar with an erection. It's no good.
And you have these missions in front of you. It's
(49:57):
not as simple as just going downstairs, putting on the
tape and you're good to go. Oh no, no, no,
that would be too easy. First you gotta sneak downstairs. First,
you gotta wait. Then you gotta grab the tape. Now
you gotta sneak downstairs. But you can't walk down the
center of the stairs in case the stairs go huh.
So you're gonna walk down the side of the stairs
(50:18):
and now, okay, now you get downstairs. Mission one complete.
You got mission tun in front of me. This is
a big one. You're staring at a TV that's not
even turned on yet. You're staring at it like Indiana Jones.
You've got this. You're like sweating. You're like, okay, because
(50:39):
what you gotta do is you got to turn the
TV ons is the eighties, you have to pull the
knob on the TV. But at the same time that
you pull the knob, you have to turn the volume off.
So you're whoof did you know, my generation didn't even
(51:05):
know that Porno had audio. We had no clue because
you couldn't keep the volume on. You're the only thing
awake at this time of night. You gotta understand, my
dad didn't just grow up in India. My dad grew
up in the jungle in India. My dad had jungle ears.
(51:25):
He could hear shit. We couldn't hear even if I
put the volume on. Could you imagine my dad's sleeping
and just hears, Oh, what's that? Who's that? What said
my mom? That's not you, that's not me. It's downstairs.
(51:52):
There's a leopard. So now you got the TV on,
volume off. I know what you're thinking, Collin, Porno time. No,
not even close. Now you got the third mission. You
(52:14):
gotta get the videotape into the VCR. Now here's what
you need to understand, Colled. Loading a VCR, putting a
videotape in a VCR in a quiet house is easily
one of the loudest things you can do. You might
as well just turn a blender on just so. What
you gotta do is you put the videotape to the
(52:36):
mouth of the VCR. Then you grab a pillow off
the couch and you push the tape in with the
pillow because you need to smother the sound. You're like,
shut the fuck up, and I know what you're thinking.
(53:00):
The porn begin. No, Collin, No, the movie doesn't just
start like that. There's a test pattern that comes on
the screen and then the ever boner killing FBI warning.
Now you're paranoid. Who's watching me? And you don't even
(53:26):
know about tracking to you? Tracking as you say Nike,
and all the ads on your Instagram come up as Nike.
Back in the day tracking was, the tape would start
and there'd be these lines across the screen and just
a titty would be shaking like this. You're not even
sure if it's a tit, Like is that a nipple
(53:46):
or a hubcap? I can't tell? Is it a car
or a boop?
Speaker 2 (53:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:50):
Fuck it, I'll take it. You don't know. You just
don't know. So now you got this shaking boob on
your screen like this, and unless they're into Parkinson's porn,
this is not going to work for you. So now
you got to walk over to the VCR and there's
(54:10):
a button called tracking that you have to hit. Plus
or minus or wheel whatever you had until you got
a steady tit bam, Now you're good to go. You
live in a very different time that you can go
to pornhub one hundred thousand different times, and in one
hundred thousand different times of going to pornhub, you may
(54:31):
never repeat the same scene. That's how much porn there
is now. Back in the day, we looked at the
same tape for four years. We had to act like
it was new. Every time you put it on, you'd
be like, hello, ginger Linn, I haven't seen you in
(54:52):
a while. We had to improvise. Porn Hub ruined everything
for me. Let me tell you what porn hubb is.
Here's what the problem with porn Hubb is. Porn Hub
took away all the mystery from porn. I know some
of you are a little uncomfortable right now just hearing porn,
but it's not gonna get a graphic. Don't worry. I
(55:15):
know in your head you're going this is hadram. I
don't want to hear it. It's just the words. It's
nothing graphic here. I want the women to stay with
us on this one, all right, But porn here's what
porn hubbed. Like back in the seventies and eighties, porn
movies had titles, and the titles were very subtle. You
wouldn't even know it was a porn that's how like,
(55:36):
here's a real pornal title from the seventies, behind the
green door. Well, what's behind the green door? I don't know.
We better find out. Porno movies had titles. They were
shot on film. You know where you had to go
to see a porna movie called, back in the seventies
a movie theater. I wish there were some babas in
(55:58):
here who could tell us that they went. I know,
if I was old enough in the seventies, Hell yeah,
I would have gone to a porno movie theater. Would
have gotten popcorn. Probably not. That's a commitment right there.
This is salty. Anyone was wrong. This is popcorn. It's
(56:20):
butter sticky. The porno movies just to have titles, original
titles seventies and eighties, original titles.
Speaker 2 (56:36):
Nineties.
Speaker 1 (56:37):
You know what they did in the nineties. They got
lazy in the nineties with porn. They started taking real
movie titles and turning them into porno titles. So it'd
be like men in Black women, Forrest hump uh, PoCA
hot ass, Schindler's fist, shaving Ryan's privates, you know, all
(57:05):
the classics, all the classics I know. Not along came
Pornhub and just ruined everything. Pornhub took the mystery out
of porn. That's why I don't like porn hub because
just like all the there's no there's no titles anymore.
There's just there's no movies. There's just scenes and there's
no titles. There's just explicit descriptions of what you're about
(57:28):
to see. Pornhub titles remind me of white people's food.
Let me explain. Let's take Indian food for example. Right, so,
to make Indian food, you need a whole lot of
different ingredients, and because we use so many different ingredients,
we have to name the dishes like what is that
it's pretty Annie, what is that it's it's rogan Josh,
(57:50):
what is that it's masala? We give it names because
of all the ingredients. White people, I'm not here to
judge you, but you're very limited with your ingredients to
the point where you literally name your food after the ingredients.
What is that it's lemon, pepper, chicken, what's in it? Lemon,
pepper and you guessed it? Chicken? Ooh, what's that? Macaroni
(58:18):
and cheese? What's in it? Macaroni and cheese? Ooh, what's that?
Fish and chips? What's in it? And what the fuck
do you think is in it? That's what pornhub titles
are like, there's no mystery anymore. You go to Pornhub,
(58:38):
just like Hot Asian Girl getting destroyed by BBC and
you're like, God, damn, and my mom walks in all
the BBC. I love the BBC. No, no, no, this
is not the BBC you're thinking of. Keeper don't I
(58:59):
will see the weather that's not precipitation. They don't know
the struggle Collaed, You don't know what the struggle was
like in the eighties. In the eighties we had to improvise.
We would try anything. These catalogs would come from department stores.
(59:19):
They'd get mailed to your house. Especially in North America,
there was a store called Sears. They would mail you
a Sears catalog and the catalog is all before the internet. College.
The catalog would have all the inventory from the store
and there's one book and they'd send it out every
season and you'd open the book and you'd find what
you wanted to make a little mark, and you'd be like,
I'm gonna go to the store and I'm gonna get
(59:40):
this right. But if you were a perverted teenager like
I was in the eighties, you would go to the
women's underwear department in the book. Because it was the eighties,
there was no photoshop. So you go to the women's
broad apartment and you'd look. If it was a lace
bro you might see a nipple in the back and
then bow right. So, or if you're a real bird
(01:00:03):
like me, you'd go to the panties and you'd look
and they'd be like, a little hair is creeping out
the side. Like but it was the eighties, so you
gotta understand, like the women were natural that back then,
the big like big it was like your hair, man,
it's you gotta shot of that right thereyway, Yeah that
right there? Yeah. Yeah, it's like trying to put a
(01:00:31):
mask on your head, you know what I mean, just
killed Schulfi hobby listen. But that's what it was like.
In the eighties, women had a big old bush. In
the nineties, they streamlined it. They made a little Landing
(01:00:52):
Strip two thousands they went bald twenty twenty three. Dick,
thank you very much. You guys are breaks. Bostocks, boots,
(01:02:15):
boots bolted
And now ladies and gentlemen Canada Zone and the Pride.
I'm Brempton, Ontario and you had Arena give it up for.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
RUSSA say, I'm a Gabby the fuck he babies?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Give it up for my DJ starting from scratch and
want and only give it up for that guy for
never giving up a buffet.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Give it up.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
But I mean that respectfully. I mean, I mean they're
called skinny jeans, is all I'm saying. Good. They have
(01:19):
white people in the middle. That's nice to see. This
is how you know. The Arabs didn't want to sit
right there. They're like, no, please, I'll go, please take
this seats. Let's see, let's see. No, I love you,
I won't do to have I won't you please enjoy?
Please please? Where are you guys from UK? I'm fine,
(01:43):
thank you? But where are you from? Where are you
from from Russia? From? You're from Russia. That's okay, I'm
not Ukrainian. It's fine. You got Russia every ship and
you're from the u K. Good London and you Dubai. No,
(02:04):
that's what I thought when I looked at you. Look
like a bootleg Dubai, maybe like the Karama version. Of Dubai.
I don't know. And what's your name? Russian guy? Your
(02:27):
name Tim?
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Tim?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Timur Timore Tomorrow? I actually also, I know, I know
you all think you're from Dubai, but you don't have
an Amarati passport. You're just visiting like the rest of us.
(02:54):
What are you doing out here? Tim? What what made
you invade? I mean, come come here? You're having a
good time. You're living out here? Or you you live
out here? You're hearing bad? Were you on the warfront
(03:14):
and the fucking explosions got to you? But I don't
know what you.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Do?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
You know that brown kid beside you, that one there,
do you know him? Let's checking? I mean, I mean
it's Dubai. Everybody owns an Indian somehow. I don't know
if we all checking.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
There was.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
I don't know if there was a group on or something.
But well, it's nice to see white people at least,
you know, and then people in white I don't like
(04:11):
the term. I want to let you guys know. What's
your name? English guy? Martin? Right, be honest with you, Martin,
you sound like a bit of a cunt. I say
it with respect, mate, all right, And who's the ginger
(04:32):
basted with you. Hey, the big guys like, thank god,
the heat's off me. Uh, it's better to get it
first than the rest of them take it after, you
know what I mean, h my boss, it's your boss. Nice?
(04:53):
Are you the boss? He's like, I don't dumpt anything.
Are you Arab? Sir?
Speaker 3 (04:58):
Now?
Speaker 1 (04:58):
What are you? You're from Pakistan, so you're Indian. Listen
if you did some DNA tracing surpies. I don't like
(05:26):
the term white people, Martin. That's what I was trying
to say. I'll tell you why I don't like the
term white people, because you hear white people, you automatically
assume color. And that's just not the case with why
anybody could be physically white really anybody, Like you can
go to India and go to the north and you'll
meet a guy with white skin and blue eyes. You're like,
you're white. He's like not even a tiny bit. Like
(05:55):
white's more than the color, you know, Like look at
some of the Asians that look at some of the
the Chinese, the Koreans, the Japanese, they're very they're physically
whiter than white people. But somehow white people got the
title of white obviously, you know when you look at
the other Asians that they're not white, you know, for
obvious reasons, because they're good at math, you know.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
So.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
But even though white people got the title of white, like,
there's a lot of people that are Like, look at
the girl behind you, she's a very light skin, right,
you're a light skinn lady. But I could tell that
you're not white, but white people wouldn't know, you know
what I mean? Are you Pakistani? I could tell right away.
You guys gave each other some sort of weird look,
like I don't know, some sort of weird Pakistani fucking
(06:46):
hand code. Just but physically you're very fair skinned, you
know what I mean? Like, would you have known, Martin
that that lady wasn't white? I mean obviously because we're here,
but if we were somewhere else, you might have thought.
You know, this is what happens to like non white
people that are very light skin. We have this identity crisis.
(07:06):
So we'll try to pass ourselves, not me, but them
they will. I don't fucking pass off as anything, yeah,
other than you know what you see. But you'll meet
like people that are very light skin, then they'll pass
themselves off is white and the only people that believe
them are white people. The rest of us can see
right through them. And like, I'm like, dude, I know
you're not white. How do you know I'm not white?
(07:27):
Don't I look white? I go, you, you're very fair skin,
but I know you're not white. Well, how do you
know I'm not white? Don't I look white? I go,
you look pale, but I know you're not. How do
you know I'm not white? Because your fucking name is
gerpreat I mean, you're not actually white, like, but you're
(07:47):
just physically white, Like you're not an actual white person.
Your body will remind you, you know what I mean?
Like you, sweetheart, you're very fair skin, right, but I
bet you your nipples are chocolate as fuck, you know
what I mean. Like, I mean, like, show me one
real qick just one, just one. But it's it's not
for me, it's for science. It's for science. I don't
(08:11):
want to see it like sexually. Just okay, white lady,
does a white lad, white lady show her one of
yours real quick, just so I want you to see
what they look like when they're raw. This is it's
like uncooked white women have nipple tartar. It's amazing. You
gotta see this. It's okay.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Take me.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Take me for example. Right, I'm a medium brown. Right,
there's darker brown than me. There's lighter brown than me. Right.
But even though I'm medium brown, my junk black as fuck.
I don't understand. I don't I'm showering. I'm uncomfortable, Like,
who is this? Somebody just got the joke backstage? Are
(09:19):
like there might be uh a delay with the translation.
I know the delay was gonna be fucking two days later.
I didn't know that I got kids. I know you
got kids, Team teamwoard. How many guns? Four? Jesus, you
just like the Russians. You won't pull out of anything, alright.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
Uh, okay, your pussy is Ukraine, Okay, I will not
pull out.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
Four from one woman, one woman. Nice, congrats. It's honorable
because I have four kids, but I only made two
of them. I made two, and then my wife she
has her own two that she made before me, because
you know she's a whore. I'm kidding. She's here, babe,
(10:24):
by love, you don't leave me. I don't know where
they put my wife, but hopefully not near an exit
row I got. I got two kids that I made.
But like I said, Muhammad, I grew up with Jamaicans
and so I got some good habits and some bad habits.
I got rhythm, but then I got bad habits. You know.
(10:45):
So I got two kids from two different women, Thanks Jamaicans,
and both of my kids are mixed. They're both my
kids are half Hispanic. I don't know there's any Hispanic
people here tonight. Spanish speaking? You know, where are you
guys from Mexico? What do you? How the fuck did
you end up here? How many walls did you want
(11:08):
to hop? Jesus Christ? I mean they know were gonna
hop a wall a wall? And now we'll end it
with hualid. Are you from Mexico? Wabo? Your wavels are
from Mexico. That's congrats on your wavels. Yeah, I got
(11:31):
two half Hispanic kids. Might not. But when you have
mixed kids, I want you to know something. If you
was your wife Russian, now what is she Ukraine? That's
basically so I really wasn't wrong from the beginning at all.
What's that?
Speaker 4 (11:52):
Maybe this move is called chicken kives.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
That's not really I mean to you, it's mixed but not.
You know, really, here's the thing. When you have mixed kids,
you'll know this to be true. Oh there's a couple
right there. I could see that. That's clearly not the
same two people. Where are you from, sir? South African?
You're a Filipino? What are you Chinese?
Speaker 4 (12:28):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Wow, look at that? Who would have thought? And what's
your name, sweetheart? Christine? Oh for sure? Yeah. Now I
looked at you. I was like, that's fucking Christine for sure.
That's where are your parents from? Christine? Hong Kong? Oh yeah,
(12:49):
it's a very popular name. Christine. Do you have a
Chinese name as well? Christine? What is it? Was it?
Move in? Doesn't that they give you when you're in
the hospital. We have to give you a Mophie. She's
(13:13):
in so much pain, she need moping. And what's your
family name? Wong? So you're a Wong Mophine. We get
the Wong Mofine. That's a lawsuit? Is that your husband?
(13:37):
The South African guy? Well, you guys can't stop colonizing either,
Jesus christ Tom. Do you guys have babies? One? How old? Height? Now?
Brand new? Congratulations? What did you what did your name
what a boy or girl? Boy? Nice? That's good. What
(13:58):
did you name him? Did you get a son that
a name or a Chinese name? Callum Callum? You give
him a fucking thick ass Irish name. Did you give
him a Chinese name too? Christine? So just basically fuck
your parents sign? Is that what it was like? So
(14:19):
when he gets older, people like Callum? Why are you
always squinting? I don't know. I have no fucking clue. Callum,
are you high? What you're you talking about? I want
to see your mom? Then you can't meet her. Here's
(14:42):
my dad, here's my dad. Congrats on little Callum Callum.
When he gets older, you'll notice, though, depending on how
you raise him, it's not even based on how you
raise him. In fact, like I'll explain what I mean.
Like my kids are both half half they're mixed. Like
my daughter she's thirteen. When your kids are mixed, they
(15:03):
can't be both, do you know what I mean? Like
my daughter's thirteen now, her mother's Ecuadorian. I'm Indian, and
I'm noticing my daughter at thirteen is leaning towards the
Indian side, right, And that's it's not a victory. Trust me.
We don't. The last thing we need is more you
know what I mean. I don't know if you know this, Christine,
but in April of twenty twenty three, India passed China's population.
(15:28):
We have finally outfucked you. It's really nothing to be
proud of. The You know, the Chinese are still way
more organized than the Indians will ever be. You could
tell when you look at the military. The Chinese military
is all you look at the Indian military though. We're
(15:58):
never gonna invade any buddy, Pakistan. You're safe. We're never
gonna show Come on, please just come home, come home.
So my daughter thirteen, Ecuadorian and Indian, leaning towards the
(16:20):
Indian side. Now, my son, he's four and a half.
His mother's Mexican, and I've noticed my son at four
and a half, is leaning towards the Mexican side. And
that's fine with me. But I gotta be honest with you,
it's a lot more Mexican than I was prepared for.
I didn't know you could be this Mexican at four
and a half when you're only fucking fifty percent Mexican.
Here's how Mexican my son is. Just laugh at this
(16:42):
punchline because I know you're not gonna get it anyway,
but the rest of the world will, so fuck you
and laugh. Okay, here's how Mexican my son is. I
was with the other day and I said, baby, you
want to go to chuck e cheese? He said, home Depot.
I said, wait, you want to go inside home depot? Outside?
(17:08):
How does he know you can't fight genetics? My son
is Mexican as hell. Here's how Mexican my son is. Uh,
what's your name? Mexican guys George, Jorge, Jorge and Javier
Jorge and how he Here's how Mexican my son is.
(17:28):
Like I said, I live in Los Angeles. I have
a pool in my backyard, and I have a fence
around my pool. And yeah, he's halfway up the fucking
thing already. I pulled him off. You know what he
tried to do dig underneath. I go, what are you doing,
(17:49):
my little chaparito. And then my wife. My wife is Filipino,
and uh, which is kind of awkward walking around. Uh
the U a E with a Indian husband and a
Filipino wife. Everyone thinks the driver's fucking the nanny. Okay,
(18:28):
so my wi my wife is, uh, she's here. Where
is my wife? Where are you? Babe? Where is she?
She's out there? Right? Is she out there? Do you
know where she is? When she's over there, get a
shot at her so as they could see that she's
a real person. Babe, Where are you? Stand up? Looker,
there she is. That's her. That's her. That's thought. That's
(18:49):
the one I bought. Anyway. My wife is Filipina and
she has two daughters, and uh, those are my daughters
now because their dad wasn't exactly active, so I stepped
in on the I mean he was active to make them.
But after that, nah, you know. But so those are
(19:11):
my babies. Now, those are my girls. I raised them,
there are, Uh, but I raise them from twenty eight
to thirty one. I Uh, but my stepdaughters they're half
black and half Filipina. So I got black and Filipina
and Hispanic and Indian all in one house. I should
(19:33):
be getting a tax grant for something I don't know.
The only pure breeds in my house are my dogs. Uh, Mohammed,
you'll appreciate this. Sincerely, sincerely, only closest thing to a
black guy we have in here right now I'm the
(19:56):
first and only non black man my wife has ever
been with. So thanks. Those were some big penises to fill.
Those were the first time my wife and I did it.
I was so scared. I taped my balls to my
dick just so it looked like a PEPSI can coming
(20:20):
at her just first time we did it. And when
I tell you, I fell in love, I fell in
and I uh like a turtle on his back. We
can't have stools like this in my house. My wife's like, so, baby,
(20:53):
where did that stool go?
Speaker 3 (20:57):
Here?
Speaker 1 (20:57):
It is? I'm chidding. She's tight, she's tight. How old
are your kids? There? Tim? Eleven six, four eleven six,
four and three months? Wow? Space amountain. Then you just
(21:17):
rushed the last few out. Nice congrats and where's your wife?
I guess with the three month old back right now? Yeah,
you're like, you have the baby, you'll stay home. Did
you come with Martin? Not come with Martin? Because obviously,
judging by your track record, if you did come with Martin,
he'd be pregnant. How old are you? Timmy thirty nine?
(21:49):
God damn thirty nine of four kids. I'm fifty three.
Now that's it's no, it's nothing, it's nothing to woo about.
And it's uh, I'm getting old. How old are so older?
Speaker 2 (22:00):
No?
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Thirty six? Yeah no, you're only two years older than
my career and that's not old to me. That's that
was still the good old days for me. If they're
in thirty six, get older and young people bother you. You know,
like I used to think millennials were assholes because I'm
gen X, That's what I guess my title would be
(22:23):
gen X. And then the millennials came along. We're like,
fuck you, millennials, and the millennials like, what's your problem, dude,
We're just the next generation. Why do you gotta be
all old? And I, oh, you know, you don't understand.
And I'm like, we understand. There's gonna be somebody to
come along and fuck with you. No, there won't. We're
gonna be understanding. Then gen Z showed up in millennials
like what the fuck is their problem? I'm like, it's
(22:47):
inevitable as you get older, the next generation below you
is going to annoy you. I remember when I was
in my early twenties, a guy in his fifties came
out to me. I was like, your generation sucks. Your
music is trash. You haven't contributed to this world. Old
I can't wait for life to kick you in the nuts.
I remember looking at him and thinking in my head,
fuck you, you old bastard. You're just old and forgot
(23:10):
how to enjoy life. When I get into my fifties,
I'll never be like you. Dah, it's inevitable. You don't
want to be like that, but you just can't help it.
You know, I talked to younger men, talk to young people,
and the other Yeah, I'm a young person talking to
You're like, just shut the fuck up. They don't want
(23:34):
to tell you things. Hey, did you know? Did you know?
Did you know? Did you know you could shut the
fuck up? Did you know that? Did you know that?
In the eighties? I was there, you're googling my life.
It's funny because like my generation, I'll admit this openly
(23:59):
to my generation is unreasonably annoyed by gen Z, and
I'll admit it to you. And I know there's some
gen Z people here. I could tell because you're all
fidgeting like fucking crackhead because you don't have your phones
right now. You're like, I just need one TikTok man.
(24:27):
Let me just check a TikTok man. I got these
cheese burkers. That was for scratch. But everything that my
generation doesn't like about you young people, that kid who
answers questions and doesn't know he's answering them. What's your name, buddy?
(24:53):
What called hey, Collin? How old are you called? Eighteen? Yeah,
you're exactly who I'm talking about. Yeah, we're gonna call
you Kara Khalid. I feel bad because your mom's right there,
(25:16):
but because every time I say something, your mom does this.
Speaker 5 (25:19):
Oh, this is the one time your mom was like,
I wish I woanted the fool. I wish I wore
the fool the one day I should have won fool.
I bring with me, call it.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I'll tell you my generation is mean to your generation,
and I want to apologize, but I can't. But it's true.
But here's the thing. Everything my generation doesn't like about
your generation is actually my generation's fault. Like every single
thing you guys do that we don't like, We made
(26:05):
that happen. Like, think about what our generation says about
younger people. They're fucking lazy. That's our fault because my
generation said, you know what, I'm gonna work hard so
my kids don't have to work that hard, so they
can enjoy life a little bit more. But now we're
mad at them for it, Like, why did you get
(26:27):
a job?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
I got a job.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
I started a YouTube channel. I'm an influencer. What the
fuck is an influencer?
Speaker 2 (26:40):
What do you do?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I open packages and I film it, and I tell
people what's inside the package, and they give them a
review of the package. It's called an unboxing. And that's
the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Who
(27:04):
watches this ship five million subscribers? Influencer, that's a real job.
You didn't have any influencers in my generation, Salad, Did
you know any influencers growing up? I knew I did.
I knew one. I knew one influencer. It was my
(27:25):
dad's right hand. That was the only influencer I knew.
To other dishes, I don't want to How about to
influence you, I'll open your head up like a package.
I'll tell everybody what's that hide? Nothing?
Speaker 6 (27:48):
Unboxing? My generation boxed. This generation unboxed. Oh look inside.
It comes in great packaging.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
I really like it. It's a nice weight, it's got
a good weight to it. But everything they do that
we don't like. We did this. They're always on their
cell phone. That's our fault. We made the cell phone.
They don't know what life is like without the Internet.
That's our fault. We made the internet the soft They
(28:30):
never got beaten by their parents. We are their parents.
It was our job to whoop their asses, and we failed.
And I know I'm guilty of it because before I
had kids, I talked all kinds of shit. I was like, yo,
you watch when I have kids, I'm gonna fuck them up.
What did I have? First? A daughter? Nope, never gonna
(28:51):
hit my daughter, thirteen years old, sweetest little girl in
the world. I raised my voice at my daughter. I
raised my voice of my daughter once and then I
cried right after. You know, the worst part was she
consoled me. She was like, it's okay, daddy, You're a
nice daddy. But if you think about it, every generation's
(29:19):
ass whoopings got less and less and less to where
it's at now. I remember my dad used to tell
me how much better my ass whoopings were than the
ones he got while he was whooping my ass. Oh lucky,
this is areo kidding. You know, your grandfather threw a
leopard at me. What where do you get a leopard from?
(29:47):
It was India, They went everywhere. He was like, Dad,
I've been to India twenty times. I never saw one leopard.
That's because of your grandfather. Everything that's wrong with this
generation is our fault. We did this to them, but
(30:09):
they took it to another level. You know, we kind
of set it up and they just went extreme with it.
You know, like I'm from the generation that makes fun
of you when we meet you. My generation makes fun
of you. We fuck with you, and that's how we
check your temperature. Like if you can deal with my bullshit,
then we can be friends, you know what I mean.
But this younger generation, they do not get that at
all because they're so used to being fake. Like everything
(30:32):
about them is fake. You don't know how to be
real anymore. Not you come Maybe you do. I don't
know called you don't. I can tell you don't because
you raise your hand and put it down and I
asked you, like hands, you know why not it?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I am?
Speaker 1 (30:49):
But everything is like like your generation really doesn't understand
the ball breaking. That's what we call it. Collid We
call it ball breaking. That's what guys do from my generation.
We break balls, and that's how we know we're okay.
In America, it's even worse. Like I'll give you an example.
I went to this store, right, I was buying a
bunch of stuff, and I get to the cash to
pay for it, and there's two young gen z fuckfaces
(31:11):
working there, right, a guy and a girl maybe twenty
twenty one years old, right, And the guy's ringing me
up and the girl's putting it in the bag. And
some guy walks in to the store, and the guy
ringing me up looks over and goes, oh my god,
I haven't worked with him in a while. And then
the girl goes, oh my god, Enis, And I go
(31:33):
what She goes, that's his name, Enis? And I go,
what's his sister's name? A China? And and I started laughing,
all right, because it's fucking funny. That's why I started laughing.
(31:55):
But apparently I laughed like a psychopath, ah, thinking that
these kids are gonna go, that's pretty funny too. But
she went, he's really nice. You know. I never said
he wasn't nice. It just said his name's Enis, so
you know, it's kinda kind of funny, right, And I'm
(32:17):
looking at the guy, thinking the guy is gonna, you know,
be like, oh yeah, come on, he's pretty. It's funny.
It's funny, you know, like thinking he's gonna go with
guy code. This little fucking nerd this looks at me
and goes, you know, he was bullied a locked because
of his name.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I go, yeah, he.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Should have been. His name is fucking Enis. You can't
just go name in your kid Enis. I think everything's
gonna be okay. There's no winning with this name. You're
either Penis or Anis. There's nothing good.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
These kids just.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Turning because your stuff, sir, Thank you ver very much. Blay.
I don't want to be the person that the old
guy that gets annoyed by young people, but you just
do it. They're doing things to us, you know. And
at fifty three, you got to understand I'm closer to
dementia than I am to anything else, you know, And
(33:21):
the way this generation is behaving, I'm gonna think I
have dementia. Well before I have dementia. They're trying to
get rid of words. This dude comes up and goes, hey, man,
can't say the R word, I said I was in Japan.
Neither can they. I go, what our word? By the way, Russell,
(33:46):
he goes, no retard. Go who you're calling a retard? No,
you can't say retard anymore. I'll go, I just did.
I got bad news for you, buddy. I say retard
all the time. I say retard, I say retarded, I
say fuck retardation. I say it all and I feel nothing. Well,
(34:06):
you're gonna have to stop. I'm not gonna stop saying
retard until you get the French to stop saying it.
I was at the airport in Canada and my flight
was delayed, and in English it said delayed, and in
French it said on retard and I laughed like a
little schoolgirl. I couldn't wait to call my friend, Yo,
(34:27):
you're gonna have to pick me up later. My flight's retarded.
Shit in the UAE, I bought I view profe that
said brufin retard. It's literally in every drug store. I
bought it just to take home with me, anything to
declare just this retard pills. So yeah, I'm not gonna
(34:52):
stop saying retard. Well, you're gonna have to, I said,
why well, I don't. I have to stop saying retard
because it's offensive. I was like to who, You're the
one calling people this, not me. I'm calling everything but
(35:13):
a handicap person a retard. You're call a handicap person
a retard. You're a piece of shit, and you can't
say gay anymore? What I have gay friends? I came
to like, yo, these are my gay friends. You refer
to gay people as gay, but you can't just go
arbitrarily calling things gay anymore. This is fucking retarded, dude,
(35:35):
this is this is the gayest thing I've ever heard
in my life.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
What do you.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
So? Wait? I can't say gay or retard anymore. No,
how am I supposed to talk to my brother every
conversation is they call me back, You're retard, don't be gay.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Click.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
You gotta understand. I grew up in the seventies and eighties.
Gay and rechard is all we said. Gay was the
best insult you could give a guy because it wasn't
really offensive. It was more of an eye got me.
You know, you would never call somebody gay if they
were actually gay. But in the seventies we didn't realize
gay was a real thing like in the seventies, Like,
(36:21):
nobody's really gay, are they. I mean, we just didn't know.
It was like a genetic you know, we didn't know
it was genetic. We just let ay he's gay. He's
not gay? I mean, who's really gay? Like you know
if you like you know, buttholes, women have them too,
you know what I mean, Like just we don't know
it's more than that, you know, and you would call
(36:44):
somebody gay or doing the most heterosexual thing possible, like you, Timm,
you have four kids with your wife gay? You know
what I mean, Like that's even because it's the least
gay thing you could do. We were in denial in
the seventies. A college, if you don't have a good time,
you go to YouTube and you type in the best
(37:04):
of the nineteen seventies and you will see right in
front of you that the seventies was the gayest decade ever.
It was so and we had no clue it was
gay because we were in denial about it. I don't
know if you guys remember the village people from a
village people, they were like the gayest group on the planet,
and we had no clue they were gay, Like they're
(37:24):
not gay. That guy's a construction worker, that guy's a biker,
that guy's Native American. They don't make gay Native Americans.
They're singing about being a macho man. That's the least
gay man you can be. We didn't know what gay was.
(37:45):
I remember in nineteen eighty four, I'm in the mall.
I'm fourteen years old. One of my friends runs up
and goes, yo, come to the supermarket. There's two lesbians
and I ran because I'm fourteen and I heard lesbians.
What do I know about lesbians at fourteen? Nothing? All
I know is blah blahlah ah. That's all I know.
(38:07):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
That's all.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
That's it. That's all I know. And I'm like, oh
my god, they must be doing it in every aisle.
So I run to the supermarke. I don't know what
I'm thinking, Like they're just hey, let's go to the
mall and blah. I don't know what I'm I don't
know what I'm thinking. I get to the supermarket. I'm
so mad. It was just two women with a shopping
cart full of cucumbers. We didn't know anything in the eighties,
(38:42):
you know, That's why our generations so fucked up like,
that's why our generation it's created gen Z. We passed
our fucked upness to the next generations. We skipped the
millennials because that was a whole other generations problem. You
know what it is like our my generation, everything grown up.
(39:06):
Everything fell into this blanket of life. Everything was called life.
There was no sub sections. Everything that happened to you
was life. You lost your job, that's life. My house
burnt down, man, that's life. My wife left me, that's life. Bro.
Everything was life. There was nothing to define it other
than life. And gen Z came along and wanted label everything.
(39:29):
Every fucking thing had a label. Everything needed a label
and the ow deed on the label, you know, like
like I haven't always had ad D I know I did,
but in the eighties there was no diagnosis for the
ADD I remember nineteen eighty five. I went to the
Guidance Council. I go, I's fifteen. I go, what do
(39:51):
you thing's wrong with me? Goes, h, you're a fucking idiot,
And I went it was not like a professional, No, no,
you're you're a fucking idiot. And I remember going that
sounds about fair, I think, yeah, I remember going home
and he goes, what are the guidance council? Let's say
(40:11):
I said it was a fucking idiot. He's right. Like
everything that we're complaining about with gen Z is our
fault too. Like we complain that they're sensitive, you know,
every like everything bothers them. What's their problem where they're
so sensitive? How come they get so offended by everything?
Every interview I do is like, Russell, you're worried about
(40:33):
cancel culture. I'm like, no, why not? Because the fucking
these kids aren't looking at me except for Hallakada over there,
just but they get so they get offended easy. And
that's and that's my generation's fault too. And I'll tell
you why it's our fault because my generation started political correctness.
(40:55):
But here's what young people don't understand. We started political
correctness out of this. Wouldn't do it because we were bored.
We did it because our parents' generation was insane. You
got to understand my father he was born in nineteen
twenty five, Yeah, my dad, and my dad was here's
(41:15):
the thing. My dad was born in India while it
was still under British rule. My dad said racist shit
all day long. He had no clue that it was racist.
I go, Dad, you say a lot of racist. How's
going to be racist? I learned English from the British.
They are the least racist people. We started political correctness
(41:42):
because our parents' generation didn't know when not to say something.
It was a Chinese family three houses down from me.
My dad used to refer to them as the Oriental family.
I'm like, Dad, they're not rugs. From the age of four,
four or five years old to now, fifty three, ninety
(42:02):
seven percent of my friends are black, which is great,
but it was a little awkward in my teenage years
because my dad used to use out of date terminology.
I remember being like fifteen, sixteen years old. My friend
would knock on the door. I'm mister Peters, is Russell here?
(42:24):
One second? Please do me if we'll decide this, let's
stay away from the car. Son. There's a young Negro
(42:45):
boy here looking for you. I come down. My dad's
pointing at him. I go, Dad, why are you pointing
at him? So you know where he is? There's only
one person standing there. The Oriental boys in the back.
(43:07):
Look see playing Chinese check us or something. I don't
know what he's doing. And I go to my dad,
and this is what was frustrating about my parents' generation.
They would defend everything they said, and their defense would
make sense. I go, Dad, why did you call him
a young Negro boy? What part of that description is
not correct? Is he an old white woman? No? So
(43:34):
we started political correctness to stop that kind of stuff
from going forward. We weren't trying to change the world.
We were just trying to make little differences so that
there would be less speed bumps for the next generations.
We meant well, we were naive, and then this gen
z fuck faces showed up and they took advantage of us,
(43:55):
and they were like, hey, uh, you know that politically
correct thing you guys are doing. I'm like, yeah, we'd
like to add some things to it, Like, oh, sure,
we must have missed something. Well, well, yeah, what we
would like to add You know how I was born
a male? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm aware of that.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
I don't feel comfortable identifying as a male anymore. Okay,
well maybe it'd be more comfortable identifying as a female. No, oh,
those were the only options. I just feel like these
(44:45):
are social constructs that are designed to keep us apart
from each other when we are neither black nor white,
not male nor female. We're simply just one people, one race,
the human race. And I'm like, listen here, other fucker.
(45:16):
I got real life adult problems going on in my world.
I don't need your young, confused, bored bullshit to get
in my way. Now. I want you to be whatever
the fuck you want to be, and I want you
to be the best version of it you can be,
and I'll support whatever it is you tell me you
think you are. But you can't get mad at me
(45:37):
if I don't know what you think you are when
I look at you, if I see what I think
as a dude, I'm like, hey, man, I'm not a man.
I identify as a table. How am I supposed to
(46:02):
know you're a table? You only got two legs, You're
a city table. I hear a lot of young people
talk about suffering from anxiety. I suffer from anxiety. Oh
my god, I'm suffering. I still young. Girls. You suffer
from anxiety, don't you getting? Do you get anxiety? I know,
(46:24):
coll it. Do you get anxiety? Now you're sure, buddy,
you're giving your mom anxiety? Right now, I'll be honest
with you, young leg I suffer from anxiety. Look at me,
suffer fucking anxiety. How do you get anxiety in your twenties?
You got tax problems, you got baby mamas. You don't
(46:47):
have any fucking anxiety. Young people have no clue what
anxiety is. I know what anxiety is because I dealt
with it without even knowing why I was dealing with it.
My generation knows anxiety. Let me tell you. Let me
tell you what real anxiety is. Let me tell you
what real anxiety is. Anxiety, This is what we had
to deal with. Anxiety was trying to masturbate to porn
(47:10):
in the eighties. That's anxiety because it's not like now
where it's just everywhere. Anybody in this room don't do it.
But anybody in this room for no reason to fill
out their phone and look at porn, just like I
just porn and then put it away. And I know
what you're thinking, Oh not over here. Yeah, everybody has
(47:32):
a VPN, you fuckers. I know what you do. I'm
surprised to express a VPN hasn't opened up an office here.
But porn is just there, It's readily available. It's just
(47:52):
it's just there, like back in the eighties, it was
not that easy. It was a different time. If you
wanted to see porn in the eighties, you actually had
to be a real pervert because you had to make
a plan, a mental plan. Not now you're like, I
don't know, I think I'm might get a boner. Back then,
(48:13):
you would plan it all right, tonight, I'm gonna watch
some more. I know what you're thinking. Why couldn't you
just watch it anytime? Because in the eighties you only
had one TV and one VCR in the house, and
(48:34):
it was in the living room downstairs. You couldn't just
show up at five point thirty in the evening. Hey mom, Dad,
you're gonna watch the news? Or can I can I
find out what Debbie's gonna do to Dallas. You had
(48:55):
to make the plan. And here's what happened. You would
go to bed and you would lay awake in your
own bed till like two in the morning, wide awake,
just you'd wait for everybody to go to sleep. That's
(49:15):
how demented we were. You'd wait, then you'd hear everybody snoring.
You're like now, and you'd reach beside the bed where
you had the videotape because you stashed it and you
sneak out of your room. You're sneaking around your own
(49:37):
house like a perverted burglar with an erection. It's no good.
And you have these missions in front of you. It's
(49:57):
not as simple as just going downstairs, putting on the
tape and you're good to go. Oh no, no, no,
that would be too easy. First you gotta sneak downstairs. First,
you gotta wait. Then you gotta grab the tape. Now
you gotta sneak downstairs. But you can't walk down the
center of the stairs in case the stairs go huh.
So you're gonna walk down the side of the stairs
(50:18):
and now, okay, now you get downstairs. Mission one complete.
You got mission tun in front of me. This is
a big one. You're staring at a TV that's not
even turned on yet. You're staring at it like Indiana Jones.
You've got this. You're like sweating. You're like, okay, because
(50:39):
what you gotta do is you got to turn the
TV ons is the eighties, you have to pull the
knob on the TV. But at the same time that
you pull the knob, you have to turn the volume off.
So you're whoof did you know, my generation didn't even
(51:05):
know that Porno had audio. We had no clue because
you couldn't keep the volume on. You're the only thing
awake at this time of night. You gotta understand, my
dad didn't just grow up in India. My dad grew
up in the jungle in India. My dad had jungle ears.
(51:25):
He could hear shit. We couldn't hear even if I
put the volume on. Could you imagine my dad's sleeping
and just hears, Oh, what's that? Who's that? What said
my mom? That's not you, that's not me. It's downstairs.
(51:52):
There's a leopard. So now you got the TV on,
volume off. I know what you're thinking, Collin, Porno time. No,
not even close. Now you got the third mission. You
(52:14):
gotta get the videotape into the VCR. Now here's what
you need to understand, Colled. Loading a VCR, putting a
videotape in a VCR in a quiet house is easily
one of the loudest things you can do. You might
as well just turn a blender on just so. What
you gotta do is you put the videotape to the
(52:36):
mouth of the VCR. Then you grab a pillow off
the couch and you push the tape in with the
pillow because you need to smother the sound. You're like,
shut the fuck up, and I know what you're thinking.
(53:00):
The porn begin. No, Collin, No, the movie doesn't just
start like that. There's a test pattern that comes on
the screen and then the ever boner killing FBI warning.
Now you're paranoid. Who's watching me? And you don't even
(53:26):
know about tracking to you? Tracking as you say Nike,
and all the ads on your Instagram come up as Nike.
Back in the day tracking was, the tape would start
and there'd be these lines across the screen and just
a titty would be shaking like this. You're not even
sure if it's a tit, Like is that a nipple
(53:46):
or a hubcap? I can't tell? Is it a car
or a boop?
Speaker 2 (53:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:50):
Fuck it, I'll take it. You don't know. You just
don't know. So now you got this shaking boob on
your screen like this, and unless they're into Parkinson's porn,
this is not going to work for you. So now
you got to walk over to the VCR and there's
(54:10):
a button called tracking that you have to hit. Plus
or minus or wheel whatever you had until you got
a steady tit bam, Now you're good to go. You
live in a very different time that you can go
to pornhub one hundred thousand different times, and in one
hundred thousand different times of going to pornhub, you may
(54:31):
never repeat the same scene. That's how much porn there
is now. Back in the day, we looked at the
same tape for four years. We had to act like
it was new. Every time you put it on, you'd
be like, hello, ginger Linn, I haven't seen you in
(54:52):
a while. We had to improvise. Porn Hub ruined everything
for me. Let me tell you what porn hubb is.
Here's what the problem with porn Hubb is. Porn Hub
took away all the mystery from porn. I know some
of you are a little uncomfortable right now just hearing porn,
but it's not gonna get a graphic. Don't worry. I
(55:15):
know in your head you're going this is hadram. I
don't want to hear it. It's just the words. It's
nothing graphic here. I want the women to stay with
us on this one, all right, But porn here's what
porn hubbed. Like back in the seventies and eighties, porn
movies had titles, and the titles were very subtle. You
wouldn't even know it was a porn that's how like,
(55:36):
here's a real pornal title from the seventies, behind the
green door. Well, what's behind the green door? I don't know.
We better find out. Porno movies had titles. They were
shot on film. You know where you had to go
to see a porna movie called, back in the seventies
a movie theater. I wish there were some babas in
(55:58):
here who could tell us that they went. I know,
if I was old enough in the seventies, Hell yeah,
I would have gone to a porno movie theater. Would
have gotten popcorn. Probably not. That's a commitment right there.
This is salty. Anyone was wrong. This is popcorn. It's
(56:20):
butter sticky. The porno movies just to have titles, original
titles seventies and eighties, original titles.
Speaker 2 (56:36):
Nineties.
Speaker 1 (56:37):
You know what they did in the nineties. They got
lazy in the nineties with porn. They started taking real
movie titles and turning them into porno titles. So it'd
be like men in Black women, Forrest hump uh, PoCA
hot ass, Schindler's fist, shaving Ryan's privates, you know, all
(57:05):
the classics, all the classics I know. Not along came
Pornhub and just ruined everything. Pornhub took the mystery out
of porn. That's why I don't like porn hub because
just like all the there's no there's no titles anymore.
There's just there's no movies. There's just scenes and there's
no titles. There's just explicit descriptions of what you're about
(57:28):
to see. Pornhub titles remind me of white people's food.
Let me explain. Let's take Indian food for example. Right, so,
to make Indian food, you need a whole lot of
different ingredients, and because we use so many different ingredients,
we have to name the dishes like what is that
it's pretty Annie, what is that it's it's rogan Josh,
(57:50):
what is that it's masala? We give it names because
of all the ingredients. White people, I'm not here to
judge you, but you're very limited with your ingredients to
the point where you literally name your food after the ingredients.
What is that it's lemon, pepper, chicken, what's in it? Lemon,
pepper and you guessed it? Chicken? Ooh, what's that? Macaroni
(58:18):
and cheese? What's in it? Macaroni and cheese? Ooh, what's that?
Fish and chips? What's in it? And what the fuck
do you think is in it? That's what pornhub titles
are like, there's no mystery anymore. You go to Pornhub,
(58:38):
just like Hot Asian Girl getting destroyed by BBC and
you're like, God, damn, and my mom walks in all
the BBC. I love the BBC. No, no, no, this
is not the BBC you're thinking of. Keeper don't I
(58:59):
will see the weather that's not precipitation. They don't know
the struggle Collaed, You don't know what the struggle was
like in the eighties. In the eighties we had to improvise.
We would try anything. These catalogs would come from department stores.
(59:19):
They'd get mailed to your house. Especially in North America,
there was a store called Sears. They would mail you
a Sears catalog and the catalog is all before the internet. College.
The catalog would have all the inventory from the store
and there's one book and they'd send it out every
season and you'd open the book and you'd find what
you wanted to make a little mark, and you'd be like,
I'm gonna go to the store and I'm gonna get
(59:40):
this right. But if you were a perverted teenager like
I was in the eighties, you would go to the
women's underwear department in the book. Because it was the eighties,
there was no photoshop. So you go to the women's
broad apartment and you'd look. If it was a lace
bro you might see a nipple in the back and
then bow right. So, or if you're a real bird
(01:00:03):
like me, you'd go to the panties and you'd look
and they'd be like, a little hair is creeping out
the side. Like but it was the eighties, so you
gotta understand, like the women were natural that back then,
the big like big it was like your hair, man,
it's you gotta shot of that right thereyway, Yeah that
right there? Yeah. Yeah, it's like trying to put a
(01:00:31):
mask on your head, you know what I mean, just
killed Schulfi hobby listen. But that's what it was like.
In the eighties, women had a big old bush. In
the nineties, they streamlined it. They made a little Landing
(01:00:52):
Strip two thousands they went bald twenty twenty three. Dick,
thank you very much. You guys are breaks. Bostocks, boots,
(01:02:15):
boots bolted
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