May 12, 2025 • 49 mins
Dr. Linda P. Chinn is a native of New London, CT who currently resides in Douglasville, GA. She fulfills her mission of uprooting and pulling down false belief systems in the lives of God's people to build them up by planting in them the incorruptible seed of the living Word through her various ministries. Dr. Chinn is an accomplished entrepreneur and the creator of Linda Chinn Ministries as well as the founder of Christian Women in Training Network.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:17):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon. Welcome to another episode
of Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen. I'm Audrey
Bell Curry, the producer of the show. Listen Facebook wanted
to give me some grief just now, causing me to
freak completely out. But that's okay, got it. The devil
is a liar and here we are. Doctor Chen has
a great show for you today. This is something that's
so important. It's so crazy because there is another client
(00:42):
that I have. She has a show, a TV show
called Unspoken Love that's launching sometimes next week. I have
someone I had a meeting with on Saturday about marriage,
women in marriage, and it's so funny. I'm like, well, okay,
so is that a sign that this is something.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
We need, really need.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Yes, it is. That is an.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Absolute son that this show is something we definitely need
because there are a lot of things.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
That we need to know as a couple.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Some people just don't know how to have that conversation,
especially in marriages. So Doctor ten has two amazing guests today,
doctor Reginald and Lisa Garman. They're gonna be her guest
today and they're gonna be talking about love in marriage,
not love and marriage, love in marriage. And I'm so
excited about this show because I'm a married woman of
twenty three years going on twenty four this year, and
I'm always I told my husband yesterday, I said, listen,
(01:31):
somebody asked me to be a part of an app
I said, and I got to tell you now, they
gonna ask me some really hard questions about our marriage.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
I wanted to give him my heads up before I
did it, and he.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Said it's cool.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
So anyway, without further ado, I'm gonna bring them to
the stage and then I'm gonna step off, and you
guys get to get this great introduction that Doctor ten
is gonna show with you about who they are and
why they're hearing what they do. So, without further Ado,
welcome Doctor ten to the stage and doctor Reginald and
Lisa Garman.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Hello, Hello, hello.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
Hello, Hello. Thank you so much, Audie. We appreciate I
love what you add. You add a little spice to
the introductions and it helps us all. But I'm so
grateful to the Garments today. And I've known them for
over twenty years actually, and they pastor a church called
the Word of Faith Love Center in Atlanta, Georgia. I
(02:24):
personally know them as servant leaders. Before the term became popular.
I served under a Reverend Lisa, you know, for I
think it's a Christian ad but it was Sunday School,
and I used to watch Pastor Garman as executive pastor,
and I would look at them in awe. Sometimes I
(02:45):
literally saw them rolling up their sleeves and pushing chairs
and stacking chairs and loving on people and talking to people.
And another thing that I love about them when I
saw them talking to people, they wouldn't look at somebody
else if they came to enter up the stud there
they locked in. So they know how to love. And
(03:05):
they're wonderful shepherds and stewards of God's people. They love
God's people. And at their church they actually have a school,
so they they love education. They appreciate education. And I
don't know the name of the school, but I'm going
to ask the garments if they would to tell us
a little bit about themselves something that I may not
have told you. They are natives, I said, of Atlanta,
(03:27):
but wonderful, wonderful people of God. If you're looking for
a church, you can look at the Love Center in Atlanta, Georgia.
Pastor and Rev. Go however you want to go.
Speaker 6 (03:37):
Okay, because he always you know, passes the law to
me first, only because I'm the loquacious one in the marriage.
So you were asking about the school.
Speaker 5 (03:49):
The name of the school, Yes, it's called, it has
been called, and will.
Speaker 6 (03:54):
Continue to be called, Abundant Grace Academy. Very short, as
you know, Minister ten, Doctor Chen. Short of the long
is that the name came about due to one of
our children that was broken to the earth and her
purpose was completed in three hours, which she is the
(04:15):
sister of our son who is with us. He's a twin,
that's his twin. Also, we know that the grace of God,
that the God's hand is on the law center, and
we have experienced a tremendous amount of grace and favor
where he is concerned. So it was just appropriate to
(04:37):
name the school Abundant Grace.
Speaker 4 (04:39):
I love it. I love it, Pastor anything you'd like
to add.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Amen, Amen, Well, Doctor Chen is so good to see you.
I just wanted to say thank you, thank you so
much for having us on this month of feduards, not
only Black History Month, but it's also the month that
we celebrate love and being in love. And my wife
and I just introduce ourselves. We are natives of Atlanta,
(05:06):
and we've been married for thirty years. It'll be thirty
one years this year. We've been pastoring for about twenty years.
We'd be celebrating our twentieth anniversary this year. And I
know it's been twenty years, Dot Jed, I tell you,
and it seemed like it was just yesterday. But it
(05:28):
has definitely been a great journey, both personally as well
as ministerially, allowing us to be co labor us together
and doing what God has called us to do. We
have three wonderful children, grown children of our daughter, she
is the principal of the School of Abundant Grace, our
(05:49):
middle child, daughter Brianna, she's a rin at Pitemont Hospital.
And our son, Reginald the second he's a sophomore at
Georgia State University. So we are we are living like
and we love each other. And I just thank you
for having us on today and the wonderful work that
you are doing. I cherish our friendship and us working
(06:11):
together in ministry for such a long time.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
Thank you, thank you, thank you well, thank you for that.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
And we're going to jump right in because I've gotten
people excited about this and I've got so many text messages.
But I want to ask, what do you all think
is the most important element in a marriage and why?
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Okay, So just to answer that question shortly, I think
the most important element in the marriage is God. Without that,
and it's just my personal opinion. Without Him, there's no
happiness and there's no holy in the marriage. He's the creator,
he's the originator marriage, and so how can you have
(07:02):
a marriage, in my opinion without the creator, the one
who created, the one that's gonna give you direction, the
one that's going to guide you, the one that's actually
the glue in the marriage. So that would be my answer,
or you know, small little comments to that question is
because I have seen the marriages without God and they
(07:27):
don't really they're not happy nor holy, and they don't
last long. I've seen marriages with God and there's someone
that's not happy. But if they understand the purpose of
the marriage, knowing that it's not just to make you happy,
but to make you holy and how to pray, then
they stay together.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Come on, I love it. I love it.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Amen? Amen? Well, doctor channel love the name of your
show keeping it real. So I'm just gonna keep it real, Okay,
the ki and we, I think we all agree that
we need God in our life. God is the center
of everything that we do. But if I really have
to ask that question, the sides are beyond are in
(08:14):
addition to God? I would say selflessness is the number
one ingredient to a successful marriage. Being selfless, not self more,
but selfless, not self wish, but self less. Many times
(08:35):
I see in relationships where they're just focusing on themselves,
and You'll want how can you be one with somebody
and you're not considering taken into a consideration the false feelings,
the ideas, the joys, the interests, all of the things
(08:55):
that come along with a wife or with a husband.
And the more or self list we can be, I
think the better our marriage would be when we are
selfish and we don't care about one another, because really
the essence of love. A lot of people they would
say love is the single ingredient. But love is thinking
about others before you think about yourself. So when all
(09:19):
bores down, you have to put yourself behind the interests
and the desires of the person that you say you love.
And when you have a lot of selfishness in the
relationships period, they're not gonna last very long.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
They're not. They're not. And I know.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
You all be married thirty some years this year, Michael,
I'll be married thirty five years this year. And there
are times talk about selfless. There are times when you
don't feel like doing certain things. And I'm not talking
about because you're ill, but because in our flesh sometimes
we just don't feel like it.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
But we get the most reward.
Speaker 5 (10:00):
I do when I've done something that I know Michael needs,
even when I didn't feel like it, right, Yeah, so
I get a better feeling afterwards. And not that it's
about my feelings, but when his needs are met, right,
and he gets it could be a meal, it could
be and it can be pressing, fair slacks, it doesn't matter.
But that is the selfish of That's what Jesus was
(10:22):
all about. Yeah, And so I thank you for that.
So then you know, I've heard people say people who shack,
I mean, I know old people.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
I know people in their seventies and eighties who've been shacking.
Speaker 5 (10:33):
For like forty years, right, and they say they don't
need a piece of paper, But what you say that
marriage is more fulfilling than cohabitating or shacking.
Speaker 6 (10:43):
Oh yeah, definitely, I would.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Yeah, yeah, And if I could just share this, you know,
one of the things that I believe we provide in
relationships is security and stability. And when you shock with someone,
you have no security, You have no stability because they
can up and leave any time they want to. They
(11:08):
have no covenant relationships. And I think covenant is always
better than contract. Oh, shocking is a contract. It is
a verbal contract that two people enter into, whereas a
covenant is you're making a covenant not only with God,
(11:29):
but you're making a legal covenant to love each other
until death. Do you par And so here's the reason
keeping it real. This is a reason why people shock.
And it's amazing when you look at statistics. People think
that if they can live together with somebody, then they'll
get to know that person and they'll have greater success
once they get married. But statistics shows that those that shock,
(11:54):
they end up getting a divorce at a higher rate
than those that do not shock. Sotistically, they're thinking in
their in their cognitive thinking that if I live with
this person, get to know this person, it's going to
guarantee the success of our marriage. No, that's not gonna
be the case. Another reason why people shack is economically,
(12:17):
so they think, in their mind, hey, let's live together.
We got one rent, one utility bill, one grocery bill,
and we're gonna put our finances together. Well, that that
in itself shows that there's some issues because you as
a husband, you have a wife. If you're not sufficient
in yourself, then that means you're coming together for financial
(12:42):
reasons and not for godly reasons. So the covenant of
marriage is always better than shacking, and it doesn't produce
security or stability in the relationship in my opinion.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Yeah, and for me, you know, when I hear that
people are shacking up, I'd just say you're taking it easy,
ride eye, it's easy to shot. It's one day you
can be together next day. You know you're not looking
for commitment, but yet you say you want it. Well,
the very thing you want, you're not. The actions that
you have just don't support what you really want. So
(13:16):
that's the that's a trick of the enemy. So what
he does, he just wrote, he gets you don't need him.
These days, sometimes it seems like we're doing it ourselves.
So he's just going back saying, hey, you know, I
got it made because I can just plant the same
thoughts and they'll continue to do the same thing. He'll
steal your passion, he'll steal your dream all while you're
(13:38):
with somebody. It's just the easiest way to have a
relationship with someone that has no commitment attached to it.
And you say you have an issue with trust, But
how know were you going to trust with trust someone
that doesn't even want to do the difficult things in
life with you? How can you buield with someone that
doesn't even have the proper tools in their hands to
help you build what's on your heart?
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Well?
Speaker 6 (13:59):
How the vision? And so when someone says, oh, I'm
shocking with it, I always say, well, you know, bless
your sweetheart, because this is the easy way out to
have a relationship with someone that that has no stability
in it. And so what you you gonna get? What
you what you get when you check it up right right, I.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
Don't trust it. I don't trust it and to keeping
it real because I did it, I did it in
my twenties. I don't trust it in anybody who's in
that type of relationship right now. I hope we're bringing
some context to you to help you rethink the way
that you're living and how you are robbing yourself of
(14:41):
what you really really desire. And so another thing I've
heard people say and want to ask you to speak
on is does marriage mean you're responsible for each other's happiness?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Wow? Well, you know that's that's what really good question,
doctor Chen. And I believe happiness and joy is they're different.
Happiness is based on what's happening around you. Joy is
based on what is in you. I believe people can
(15:20):
bring happiness into your life, but only God can bring
joy in your life. And I think coming into any relationship,
you have to have joy. If you're looking for a
relationship to give you that joy, they are not going
to be able to do that. That relationship is going
(15:42):
to bring a certain level of happiness, but it cannot
bring joy because you get into relationships and you enjoy
being with the person, You enjoy doing things with a person,
you enjoy traveling. But the only thing that is going
to keep you doing the hard times and we all know,
keeping it real, we're gonna have hard times, and we loved.
Speaker 6 (16:03):
Well.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
If we're looking for our spouse to give us that joy.
Then sometimes they are not going to be in a
position to give us that joy. They may be going
through something. They may be going through depression, or going
through some type of spiritual warfare, or going through some sickness.
And that's why we got to have joy within our
(16:24):
selves and what they do. And I always say this
is that my spouse is simply a supplement. She's not
a source.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
As a parent, never.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Make a supplement a source in your life. No, she
supplements my life. She adds value to my life. But
I already had value before I met her, already had joy.
I was already happy before I met her. She supplemented
that and she added to that. And so there are
(16:58):
so many us that are in relationships we are looking
for people to be our sores instead of our supplement.
Speaker 6 (17:07):
Yeah, And one thing I have learned, not just in marriage,
but in relationships altogether. I'm just not going to give
someone the responsibility for my happiness.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
That's come on.
Speaker 6 (17:18):
The purpose of marriage, like I said, is not just
to make you. You can be happy in marriage whether
it's good or bad. But I have learned that marriage
has caused me to become more holy than I thought
I would ever be. And that's not a bad thing.
People think being holy is bad. No, it's not a negative.
The purpose of marriage is not only to make you happy,
but allow you the opportunity to be happy and fulfilled
(17:40):
and home and transformed with your best friend. This is
my best friend, and he's my accountability partner, but I'm
gonna give him the responsibility of making me happy. I'm
gonna be happy, good or bad. I go to sleep happy.
That's my choice, and so I make that choice. And
happiness is just a by product of a healthy marriage.
(18:03):
So I think what we need to do is focus
on having a healthy marriage, not just be happy in
the marriage.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
That's good. That's good.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
And I also, like the pastor said, you can't use
a supplement as your source. If you right need vitamin D,
it's not gonna give you the same thing that the
actual sunshine gives. Your sunshine is the source. So I
love that, and I'm hoping we're helping. I hope we're
helping somebody. I hope that people are listening and understand
(18:33):
that people are not Your spouse is not responsible for
your own happiness. They both said that they had the
joy of the Lord. They were happy before they became married.
So that's huge for some people. Well I'm not happy anymore.
He didn't make me happy. She doesn't make me happy.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Baby, make yourself happy. It's the joy of the Lord.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Right.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
So, and even preparing I was talking to.
Speaker 4 (18:59):
A lot of people and somebody asked me, and I
thought this was a good question.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
How do you fight for your marriage when you're fighting
inside your marriage?
Speaker 6 (19:09):
Why do her, a pastor say to me, whines before.
You don't fight in, you fight from And so that
changed my perspective. And maybe he can elaborate on that,
because he's really good doing that. But see, and also
you have to understand what are you fighting? So we
don't fight against flesh and blood instead of fighting your spouse,
(19:32):
why don't you fight the enemy. The enemy is not
your spouse, your The enemy is something that you've never
encountered before because you were afraid to even face it.
So either rule problem of what it really is, and
fights not against flesh and blood, but against principalities in
your marriage. And so a lot of people say, well,
we've been fighting, Well, now, yeah, y'all been fighting because
(19:55):
the enemy wants you to fight, but deep to find
what are you fighting about? You know, get to the
root of the problem. Or you can look at Ephesian
sick and put your arm on girls, strap up, okay,
and really fight what really needs to be fought instead
of fighting your your spouse. That's that game is old
(20:16):
and overwear.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
It is old.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
That's really all it's. It's just like, okay, we're fighting.
Who doesn't fight or have a heated exchange of.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
What you call it eating, a change of conflicting. Yes, yeah, yeah, life.
Life is a fight. You know, we fight the good
fight of faith. So that's a very good question, doctor Chen.
How do you fight for your marriage when you're fighting
in your marriage? Well, well, really, what we fight for
(20:50):
we fight for the covenant. The covenant is worth fighting for.
And so even when you're fighting with some one, whether
it's in church, with a business, in a business relationship,
or maritter relationship, you're gonna have disagreements. You're gonna have
times when you're fighting one another in philosophy and principles
(21:15):
and sometimes even in values. But why what gives you
the strength? What gives you the strength and the motivation
to continue to fight that good fight of faith. You
realize that is a greater purpose and there's a greater
covenant better than the disagreement that you're having now. One
(21:36):
thing that I can say, keeping it real, nobody can
do a constant fighting. So that has to come a
place and a time where we come to some type
of resolution. And so that's when we really have to
fall on the all to and make the changes that
we need to make. If I had to say, another
(21:58):
important ingredient of a successful marriage is that you got
to be willing to be made, willing to change. Change,
You got to you gotta grow, You gotta become more
than what you are today. Because I don't want to
fight all my life. I'm gonna fight, and I know
there's a fight, but at some point I gotta have victory.
(22:20):
I got to see the walls of the war and
understand that this fight has produced a reward in our marriage,
in our ministry, in our.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Business, and through that reward.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
We have grown, we have changed. The willingness to change
is a selfishness that I go back to in the
first question. When you're selfish and you refuse to change,
and you refuse to grow, it's a constant fight.
Speaker 6 (22:51):
Yeah. And then even in the fight, what I've learned,
doctor chen, I would I had to fight fair. That
was like the first couple of years in our marriage.
I learned how to fight fair because I'm gonna fighter
that nature and I can get you know, girls, it's like, hey,
you want to get is this what we're doing? And
(23:11):
let's get into it. Nevertheless, I learned how I had
to learn how to fight. Some of us don't know
how to fight. We learned that in our upbringing with
and experiences, but then we get with this person called
our spouse, you know, And what I had to understand
I had to fight fair. But it wasn't fighting against him.
I had to fight against the enemy, which was within. Yes.
(23:36):
And so I'm going back to what Pastor was saying
about being selfish. That was one of my traits because
this is a deep route in my family. I had
to find out, well, where where the words has come
from when it came from my father, and some of
that stuff is generational curses, but then you're you're you're
imposing that on your spouse. Nevertheless, I had to come
up with a strategic battle plan to fight fair and
(24:01):
to win. And so we'll do that. We'll come up,
we'll think about how we're gonna fight maybe a coworker,
and we sit down and have that premeditated those but
when it comes to our spouse, we just pop off.
H yeah, we just we don't even think about it
that it's not him or it's not her. Now, I
(24:23):
need a strategic plan for this selfishness. I need to
changing myself. I need to plan, you know, from so
that my mindset would change, then we will become healthy
in our marriage. And so going back to what Pastor
is saying, yeah, you know, just you gotta fight from
(24:44):
something in your marriage, not just in your marriage, or
don't don't fight the covenant fight the challenge you have
that comes from with me.
Speaker 4 (24:55):
So would you give us.
Speaker 5 (24:59):
Give us a description of something that's not fair in fighting?
I want to help somebody if they're fighting in a
way that's not fair. What is something that's unfair in
the fight in marriage? Before the marriage?
Speaker 6 (25:14):
I think something that's something that's unfair to fight?
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Is that what you're like? You said you learned how
to fight fair, So what's not fair?
Speaker 6 (25:23):
Okay? So when I had to learn how to fight
fair with Pastor, it was I had to learn how
to fight that. It was like a battlefield in my mind.
You have to fight fair. I fought with the word
of God, which is all and not my own thoughts,
not my past, not my my upbringing. That was unfair
(25:48):
to my husband to fight him with with those kinds
of tools that I learned as a child are as
a teenager. And so I'm in a covenant relationship. I
need to fight fair with the right tools. So I
just began to have used the word of God to
change my mindset, my mindset, and my perspective so that
I would fight the principalities and it would not be
(26:11):
imposed on him. And so to fight fair with him
was not to like. Okay, let me give you examples
so I can make it really clear, because I don't
think I'm being clear. So one issue in our marriage
was you don't talk to me low, don't don't don't
approach me with a loud voice because you gonna get
a response you probably don't like. Well, where did I
(26:34):
get that from? This is how I changed to fight
fair instead of just tit for tat, or you're gonna
talk to me loud, you're gonna curse me, out, I'm
coming back with some compound cross words. No, that's not
fair to your prince. That's not fair, priests in the house.
That's not fair to the provider. That's not fair, you know,
to your best friend. So I had to change my
(26:54):
perspective with the word of God, and I had to
fight with words covered in love. I had to back
up and do what was necessary so that I don't
injure him mm hmm. And that's good, and I don't
inflict additional rules. He has enough from the world. Why
in the world. So that's what I mean by fighting fair,
(27:18):
changing your mindset with that thing that is going to
make it change, which is the Word of God, principles,
life principles.
Speaker 5 (27:26):
Another thing she said that was good, you said was
you don't bring up the past.
Speaker 4 (27:31):
So that's not fair. Bringing up the path, that's not fair.
And I think a.
Speaker 5 (27:36):
Lot of people do that. And like you, you said,
I love this keeping it real. How you talked about
how you were raised.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
And we all.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
Bring something into the marriage that the spouses really don't
know anything about, not their issue, not their responsibility. And
so that's one thing that's not fair. And and really,
if we're honest I think we have, like you have,
two broken people, all broken in some type of way.
We come with old wounds into the marriage, and.
Speaker 4 (28:06):
And so those things are not fair. And I don't
think a.
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Lot of people realize that you already come in with
some baggs. Don't dump that on the spouse, right and
then cause them to have to help you drag some
stuff around that really should be dropped off anyway.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
And that's why this is I'm sorry, No, that's okay.
That's why I didn't think about this till just now.
Speaker 5 (28:29):
That's why premarital counseling is important, isn't it past?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Absolutely absolutely, Because when when you think about an unfair fight,
let me let me just try to bring clarity to it.
An unfair fight is when you use comparisons in your fight.
No one likes to be compared to someone else. Just
(28:57):
talk about the behavior. No one likes to be attacked personally.
That is an unfair fight. We can talk about my
behavior and what I'm doing, but when you make it
personal and start calling me names or attaching what I'm
doing to a character, that's an unfair fight. Another unfair
(29:22):
fight is because we all want transparency in relationship so
if I open up to you and I share some
things with you, an unfair fight is when you use
the information that I gave you and then turn it
around to win an argument. My god, you are shooting
(29:44):
me with my own bullets. That's my fair fight. So
premaritor counseling, like you said, it helps us to discuss
issues in a safe environment and come to resolution so
we can bring about change.
Speaker 6 (30:00):
Yeah, and even with Pastor talking about I think people,
even though you're married, you still need to go to
marriage counseling to get a check up, just like you
do your car. We take our cars in, but we
don't take our marriage in.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
I like it.
Speaker 6 (30:15):
And when I was fighting fair with Pastor, I didn't.
I there was a comparison between he and my father,
and when you have to make daddy issues, I imposed
that on him. So when he spoke to me loud,
I compared his tone of voice to my father's tone
of voice, and that was fighting around for me. So
(30:37):
I wasn't fighting fair, and so that's when we had
to have pre matter counseling in the marriage.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (30:44):
I love it. I love it, and I love the
idea of the checkup. I love the idea of the checkup.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
That is huge.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
This is good, y'all know you're gonna have to come
back righting that I want you for the sake of time.
I want to get to some of these meaty questions.
I want you to talk.
Speaker 4 (31:06):
About how.
Speaker 5 (31:08):
Men don't want a mother in the marriage, but a
wife does want a daddy.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Ah.
Speaker 6 (31:16):
Well, you know I.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Heard doctor Chen just keeping it real, Doctor ed Cole,
which is a mentor of mine that I've read many
of his books. He started a Christian Men's Network ministry.
He used to say, when a man makes his wife
his mother, he cannot make love to his mother, so
(31:39):
that relationship doesn't work. And so it is so important
that we don't make our wives our mother. And a
lot of that is and he's the honest to God truth,
just keeping it real. Right. Most women don't want to
be your mother. That them being your mother is simply
(32:05):
a byproduct of the immaturity that.
Speaker 4 (32:08):
Is in that man.
Speaker 6 (32:10):
Yeah, So if we're going to keep it.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Real, there has to be some maturity that we see
in that man that will ultimately prevent that woman from
being a mother figure in his wife. And so all
men has to grow to the degree where they're able
(32:33):
to lead their families. And so I like to see
men be the men that God called them to be
and that will ultimately create their wife to be a
wife and not be a mother. Accept your responsibility and
do what God has called you to do.
Speaker 6 (32:52):
And I'm not trying to raise another child. Come on,
I'm trying to reproduce a child so we can leave
a legacy.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Now, let me say this, so many men, a man
wants a wife to be a coach, and sometimes they
take that coaching as mothering. But it is important for
them to understand that there are times that a wife
will be your coach.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
But the only.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
Reason they don't accept the coach is because they never
see the cheerleader whoa and so if they're able to
have a balance in relationship, then they're able to see
both the coach and the cheerleader operating in the same vessel.
(33:44):
Most men complain that the woman is trying to be
that mother because all she does is coach. All she
does is tell them to do things. All she is
doing is nagging about stuff. And I will submit to
the couples out there that if they will see more
of the cheerleader in their wife. Then they'll be able
(34:07):
to handle those times that she's called she's annoyed to
be a coach as well.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
All Right, that's good, y'all. I mean, this is good stuff,
all right.
Speaker 5 (34:18):
So, so, Reverend Lisa, do wise want a daddy?
Speaker 6 (34:23):
If he's a big daddy?
Speaker 7 (34:24):
Oh, big daddy, this is real, that's actually, that's actually okay,
if she wants tooth.
Speaker 6 (34:35):
I actually call him two things. He's my big daddy
because he truly is. He is. He's not child ish,
but he has a tendency sometimes when we travel and
we're doing some fun things to be childlike. And so
I like to call him my big daddy because that's
what big daddies do. And he's also my blessing. And
(34:58):
so you know, I call him my big daddy blessing.
But and I done got out of it. I don't
forgotten the question because he looked at me in a
certain way, and I forgot today. You know what, in
a sense, if you are a woman that has daddy issues,
(35:20):
and that is a whole nother topic him that sense,
you you want your husband to be a daddy in
the sense of being a protector, someone that can hold
you when times are hard, that has that strong arm
when you are weak. And in that sense, yes, then yeah,
(35:44):
I would say a wife would enjoy having him as
a daddy sometimes when it is necessary, I call my
abba father, call him daddy sometimes, and and so and
and when I look at those in parallel, put those
side by side. Yes, I'll look at my husband like
he's the priest, like he's the daddy in the house.
(36:05):
And I call him daddy. When I called him daddy,
he knows what I need. When I call him father,
he knows what I need. So in that sense, yeah,
but I don't need a controller. Mm hmmm, right, not
in that sense. I don't need for you to cap me. Yeah,
(36:26):
not in that sense.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
And you know many times I say men they need
to be a covering and not a lid. Yes, And
so whenever men are lid, then that's when the daddy
issues come out. We have to we have to be
a covering over our wives. And that makes a world
(36:49):
of difference.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
I love it. I love it. I love it. I
love it. I love it.
Speaker 5 (36:57):
And I'm looking at I'm looking at time, and I'm like,
at least want to get one more good question. And
because usually at the end, we have Audrey to come
on and like Audie will take notes when she learns something.
But I've gotten excited here and can you talk a
little bit.
Speaker 4 (37:12):
I'm trying to pick a question I want to ask.
Speaker 6 (37:14):
Can you talk a.
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Little bit about physical appearance in marriage?
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Well, I guess from a from a male's perspective, we
we are visually motivated as from men and and and
let's you know, I'm gonna have to steal the name
of your show, doctor Chang. I love keeping it real. Uh,
but we we serve a god that aesthetically He's created
(37:46):
such a beautiful world esthetically, so all of the colors,
all of the beauty, all of the scenery. When you
go to the mountains or to the oceans, you see
the variety of views and beauty. I truly believe that
has to be a level of aesthetic intimacy in marriages,
(38:11):
meaning you have to create a great view for one another,
whether it's going on vacations and changing the view, whether
it's changing your hair, changing your style, you know, the
beauty of your home. I come home to a beautiful
house that my wife has made a house a home,
(38:37):
and she's such a beautiful woman. We have all grown.
We're in our fifties, so we're not the same size.
So you begin to look at beauty and appearance differently.
But they have their own beauty in in itself, whether
you're in your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties,
(38:58):
and so we do our best to keep up the appearance.
Speaker 6 (39:02):
Yes, and he mentioned, you know when you get older,
things change. Yeah, it is what it is. Ladies. For
those of you who have hit metopause, you understand what
I'm saying. But if you have not just lived a
little while longer, I would think with that question, I
think about two things as far as appearance is concerned
(39:25):
now as a husband, my husband has never put pressure
on me to look like any other woman.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
I love it.
Speaker 6 (39:31):
I am not. I am not Beyonce, and I'm not
I am least alone. And he has always always loved
who I am, for better or for worse, rich or
for core, no matter what shape or size I am.
I'm the one that say, oh my god, I have
to lose ten pounds, like I lose fifteen pounds, like
I've dressed this up so it can look nice to him.
(39:54):
It still looks nice. It is desirable. And so for that,
I would say, I thinking our marriages, we need not
put that kind of pressure on our spouses. We have
enough pressure to go on. And so why in the
world would you pressure your wife to be someone else
if you wanted someone else what you marry her for.
(40:15):
And also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
If you behold your spouse from the day you got
married up until this point, she or he will always
be beautiful in your eyes. They don't have to be
beautiful to other people. They would be beautiful to you
all the time until the day you are transition and
end up in the mother night of Jesus.
Speaker 4 (40:37):
Oh that's good, This is so good. This is so good.
Speaker 5 (40:42):
All right, Audrey, could I already know? Come on back, Audrey.
I just I'm excited about all that. I know that
people must have gleaned. She come back on here quick, y'all.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Y'all see that.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Right, Listen, I'm over here, got a paid for and nose.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
And it's funny because.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
When I was a teenager, one of my friends her dad,
when he was talking to somebody, he said that, you know,
he's married, and her parents was married like her whole life.
But he said one time that he said they said
something about a woman being attractive. He said, he said,
I ain't ray, Charles, I ain't blind, right, And that
(41:23):
stuck him. And I had to be fifteen years old
at the time, but that stuck in my head. So
I wanted to so about let me see my daughter.
About four years.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
Ago, we went to Miami, the whole family.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
It's my daughter's thirtieth birthday, and doctor Jane, I don't
know if you've ever been in Miami in the summertime,
it is a sight to be seen.
Speaker 6 (41:39):
So my husband is there and I'm like, look at
that one, look at this, look at that right.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
So when we came home, he called one of his
friends in Jersey and I was telling the story.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
I was like, I was telling them look.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
I told him to look because I couldn't believe it myself,
and he said, so one of his friends said, you
were comfortable with that?
Speaker 3 (41:57):
And I was like, listen, look, anyway, he ain't blind.
He's married, he's not blind. He couldn't help but to
see it.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
But anyway, I said all that to say, a lot
of times I feel like people think their spouses.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Are blind or they should be.
Speaker 6 (42:08):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
I'm not one of those people.
Speaker 6 (42:10):
As a matter of fact, I told him, take a
trip and go back with your boys.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
You might enjoy it a lot better with without me
being there, because I know you've been reserved.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
But that's me keeping it real, right.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
But you said a lot of stuff. One of the
things I love what you said. You said marriages should
get a checkup. How often should they get a check up?
Speaker 6 (42:27):
And how do you think the marriages need a check up?
I mean for us, I know for sure my husband's
gonna check up with me at least once a year.
You know, I just look at it. He said to
me one time. He said, you know, people will take
their cars in for all change, but they don't come
into the church for a change.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
I was like, if you say something like that, yeah,
I think individually we should be like once a year
with one another, say hey, hey, how am I doing
as a husband, how am I doing as a wife?
What are some areas that I need to grow in?
I think that should be once a year, but I
think maybe every seven to ten years. It may be
(43:13):
wise to go see someone and talk with someone because
we enter into different seasons in our marriage, and sometimes
we need to know how to embrace that transition. You
got the child bearing seasons where you're having children and
raising children. Then your your kids get older and you
got an empty ness. How do you embrace that? So
(43:35):
but then that's also.
Speaker 6 (43:37):
The factor which is my weakest area in the marriage
of concerning finances, and so every seven to ten years,
you need to get your money in your back. Right.
So he would sit, he would take me out to dinner,
really nice dinner too, So I was all excited. Right
then he put the numbers on the table. I'm like, dude,
what's that?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
But you know it.
Speaker 6 (43:57):
Shows me in the marriage that he's concerned about our future.
Speaker 4 (44:02):
This is good.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yeah, I got one last question because I know it's
running out of time, but this is this is a biggie.
So I'm the president of a women's chamber of commerce
here in Gwinett County, the Gnette Women's Chamber of Commerce.
I'm surrounded by by alpha females all the time. And
so these men marry these alpha females. But when they
want to.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
Not be alpha, that's a problem in the marriage.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
So they want to be soft and feminine, and they
want them to be this alpha female all the time.
Speaker 3 (44:32):
How do you help them.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Move past that?
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Because I get it, you married her, that's what you want,
But she doesn't want to be that all the time.
And I know that because I talk to them, and
that's always that's an issue for a lot of them.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Yeah, I think the alpha females they need to number one,
understand their time and number two understand their territory. They
don't want to be that way all the time, and
they don't want to be that way in every situation.
So female lions, they're the ones that go hunting female,
(45:06):
not the male lions, the female lion. But if they
know the territory where the husband can release them and
go and then just having that communication saying listen, I
don't want to be this alpha woman in this territory
right here. So when you define the territory and the time,
(45:27):
then you can navigate that whole alpha male alpha female syndrome.
Speaker 6 (45:32):
And a doctor ten, you've heard me saying this before,
and this is a whole other subject. You have to
know that you know when it's time for you to
be a lioness and when it's time for you to
be a kitticap.
Speaker 5 (45:42):
Yeah, I can't wait to have you.
Speaker 3 (45:48):
Doctor. This is a good one.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
We got so many questions to get to, but we're
out of time. I hope this is gonna be a
part too all us. It's gonna be a whole series
in my opinion, because I talk to a lot of
women all the time I talk to I'm a married
woman of twenty.
Speaker 3 (46:04):
Five four years. I think I lose track.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Twenty four years, I think and and just talking to
women and talking to my husband. You know, when I
do a check in, if I say hey, listen, he's.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
He clam up, Yeah, wrong with you? Like he think
I'm going to say something crazy?
Speaker 1 (46:21):
He clams up. But a lot of guys claim up.
They don't want you to have that conversation. There's a
there's a meme going around TikTok, right, and the mother
the wife says, I want to I want to have
a conversation when you finished cutting the grass and you
guys saying that one and he's spending the grass, told
me a clipper or something. It's hilarious. And my husband
sending me that because I said, hey, listen, I need
(46:42):
to talk to you.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
He'll send me that meme.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Like as soon as I finished cutting the grass. But
I think this was great. I think it's much needed.
I think where we.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
Are right now, a lot of people are worried about
a lot.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Of different stuff.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
And when you have all this worry, it kind of
it can drip down into your marriage.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
So this is very time.
Speaker 1 (47:00):
Thank you guys, and thank you doctor Chimp will always
bringing these amazing.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
People to share with the world. Well just with this
amazing conscience. So yeah, go ahead, close it out.
Speaker 5 (47:11):
Well again, I want to thank Pastor and Reverend Lisa
for showing up because this is here, we are, you know,
the beginning of the week, and you know, I know
he ministered and she ministered yesterday. But marriage is important.
They said, it's a covenant. I just want to I
hope you took notes, and I hope you got some tips.
There's a way to fight fair in the marriage. There's
(47:33):
a time to check in with a marriage, every marriage
and have a check up.
Speaker 4 (47:36):
And those are some of the points.
Speaker 5 (47:38):
I don't want to close out with something that, you know,
I want to say fluff and all that.
Speaker 4 (47:42):
Yep, you know.
Speaker 5 (47:43):
Ordie talks about click the subscribe button and come back,
go back and listen to this. So that you can
be a better wife or husband so that if you're engaged,
you know some different things to go into a marriage,
not expecting and looking.
Speaker 4 (47:58):
For a mama.
Speaker 5 (47:59):
You know all these things that we talked about, And
I am gonna ask, will y'all come back sometime?
Speaker 4 (48:05):
Can I just some time?
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Doctor Chan? You know I can't tell you no, you
already know that. So whenever you wonte me and Lisa
and I have come back, we'd be glad to come
back and shay, thank you for having us.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Yeah, thank you, thank you do your thanks.
Speaker 1 (48:23):
We hope yeah, we hope you enjoyed this episode. Share
this episode with somebody who you know problem is struggling.
Even if you suspect that trug struggling, they haven't said anything.
Shared an episode because here's the thing. People need this
information so that they can continue to thrive and keep
their feelings together. And lack of knowledge kills us all.
So we don't want that to be the problem for
a marriage. So share it with somebody. If you enjoy
(48:46):
this episode, be sure to subscribe. Hit the subscribe button
wherever you're listening, wherever you're watching, he the subscribe button
and subscribe, and also listen, support doctor Tim or her
with her efforts and what she's doing here, great guests.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
Great information.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
Go to Lena Chen minute ses dot com to support
her in any way you feel like you can, but
do do us favor, share the show, subscribe to the show.
We'll be back in two weeks, same day, same time.
Thank you Doctor Reginald and doctor Reverend Lisa for being here.
We'll be back you guys, stay safe out there and
stay safe and until next time, make it a great day.
Speaker 6 (49:19):
By everybody.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
I love you, Love you,
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon. Welcome to another episode
of Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen. I'm Audrey
Bell Curry, the producer of the show. Listen Facebook wanted
to give me some grief just now, causing me to
freak completely out. But that's okay, got it. The devil
is a liar and here we are. Doctor Chen has
a great show for you today. This is something that's
so important. It's so crazy because there is another client
(00:42):
that I have. She has a show, a TV show
called Unspoken Love that's launching sometimes next week. I have
someone I had a meeting with on Saturday about marriage,
women in marriage, and it's so funny. I'm like, well, okay,
so is that a sign that this is something.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
We need, really need.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Yes, it is. That is an.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Absolute son that this show is something we definitely need
because there are a lot of things.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
That we need to know as a couple.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Some people just don't know how to have that conversation,
especially in marriages. So Doctor ten has two amazing guests today,
doctor Reginald and Lisa Garman. They're gonna be her guest
today and they're gonna be talking about love in marriage,
not love and marriage, love in marriage. And I'm so
excited about this show because I'm a married woman of
twenty three years going on twenty four this year, and
I'm always I told my husband yesterday, I said, listen,
(01:31):
somebody asked me to be a part of an app
I said, and I got to tell you now, they
gonna ask me some really hard questions about our marriage.
Speaker 4 (01:37):
I wanted to give him my heads up before I
did it, and he.
Speaker 3 (01:39):
Said it's cool.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
So anyway, without further ado, I'm gonna bring them to
the stage and then I'm gonna step off, and you
guys get to get this great introduction that Doctor ten
is gonna show with you about who they are and
why they're hearing what they do. So, without further Ado,
welcome Doctor ten to the stage and doctor Reginald and
Lisa Garman.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Hello, Hello, hello.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
Hello, Hello. Thank you so much, Audie. We appreciate I
love what you add. You add a little spice to
the introductions and it helps us all. But I'm so
grateful to the Garments today. And I've known them for
over twenty years actually, and they pastor a church called
the Word of Faith Love Center in Atlanta, Georgia. I
(02:24):
personally know them as servant leaders. Before the term became popular.
I served under a Reverend Lisa, you know, for I
think it's a Christian ad but it was Sunday School,
and I used to watch Pastor Garman as executive pastor,
and I would look at them in awe. Sometimes I
(02:45):
literally saw them rolling up their sleeves and pushing chairs
and stacking chairs and loving on people and talking to people.
And another thing that I love about them when I
saw them talking to people, they wouldn't look at somebody
else if they came to enter up the stud there
they locked in. So they know how to love. And
(03:05):
they're wonderful shepherds and stewards of God's people. They love
God's people. And at their church they actually have a school,
so they they love education. They appreciate education. And I
don't know the name of the school, but I'm going
to ask the garments if they would to tell us
a little bit about themselves something that I may not
have told you. They are natives, I said, of Atlanta,
(03:27):
but wonderful, wonderful people of God. If you're looking for
a church, you can look at the Love Center in Atlanta, Georgia.
Pastor and Rev. Go however you want to go.
Speaker 6 (03:37):
Okay, because he always you know, passes the law to
me first, only because I'm the loquacious one in the marriage.
So you were asking about the school.
Speaker 5 (03:49):
The name of the school, Yes, it's called, it has
been called, and will.
Speaker 6 (03:54):
Continue to be called, Abundant Grace Academy. Very short, as
you know, Minister ten, Doctor Chen. Short of the long
is that the name came about due to one of
our children that was broken to the earth and her
purpose was completed in three hours, which she is the
(04:15):
sister of our son who is with us. He's a twin,
that's his twin. Also, we know that the grace of God,
that the God's hand is on the law center, and
we have experienced a tremendous amount of grace and favor
where he is concerned. So it was just appropriate to
(04:37):
name the school Abundant Grace.
Speaker 4 (04:39):
I love it. I love it, Pastor anything you'd like
to add.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Amen, Amen, Well, Doctor Chen is so good to see you.
I just wanted to say thank you, thank you so
much for having us on this month of feduards, not
only Black History Month, but it's also the month that
we celebrate love and being in love. And my wife
and I just introduce ourselves. We are natives of Atlanta,
(05:06):
and we've been married for thirty years. It'll be thirty
one years this year. We've been pastoring for about twenty years.
We'd be celebrating our twentieth anniversary this year. And I
know it's been twenty years, Dot Jed, I tell you,
and it seemed like it was just yesterday. But it
(05:28):
has definitely been a great journey, both personally as well
as ministerially, allowing us to be co labor us together
and doing what God has called us to do. We
have three wonderful children, grown children of our daughter, she
is the principal of the School of Abundant Grace, our
(05:49):
middle child, daughter Brianna, she's a rin at Pitemont Hospital.
And our son, Reginald the second he's a sophomore at
Georgia State University. So we are we are living like
and we love each other. And I just thank you
for having us on today and the wonderful work that
you are doing. I cherish our friendship and us working
(06:11):
together in ministry for such a long time.
Speaker 4 (06:14):
Thank you, thank you, thank you well, thank you for that.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
And we're going to jump right in because I've gotten
people excited about this and I've got so many text messages.
But I want to ask, what do you all think
is the most important element in a marriage and why?
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Okay, So just to answer that question shortly, I think
the most important element in the marriage is God. Without that,
and it's just my personal opinion. Without Him, there's no
happiness and there's no holy in the marriage. He's the creator,
he's the originator marriage, and so how can you have
(07:02):
a marriage, in my opinion without the creator, the one
who created, the one that's gonna give you direction, the
one that's going to guide you, the one that's actually
the glue in the marriage. So that would be my answer,
or you know, small little comments to that question is
because I have seen the marriages without God and they
(07:27):
don't really they're not happy nor holy, and they don't
last long. I've seen marriages with God and there's someone
that's not happy. But if they understand the purpose of
the marriage, knowing that it's not just to make you happy,
but to make you holy and how to pray, then
they stay together.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Come on, I love it. I love it.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Amen? Amen? Well, doctor channel love the name of your
show keeping it real. So I'm just gonna keep it real, Okay,
the ki and we, I think we all agree that
we need God in our life. God is the center
of everything that we do. But if I really have
to ask that question, the sides are beyond are in
(08:14):
addition to God? I would say selflessness is the number
one ingredient to a successful marriage. Being selfless, not self more,
but selfless, not self wish, but self less. Many times
(08:35):
I see in relationships where they're just focusing on themselves,
and You'll want how can you be one with somebody
and you're not considering taken into a consideration the false feelings,
the ideas, the joys, the interests, all of the things
(08:55):
that come along with a wife or with a husband.
And the more or self list we can be, I
think the better our marriage would be when we are
selfish and we don't care about one another, because really
the essence of love. A lot of people they would
say love is the single ingredient. But love is thinking
about others before you think about yourself. So when all
(09:19):
bores down, you have to put yourself behind the interests
and the desires of the person that you say you love.
And when you have a lot of selfishness in the
relationships period, they're not gonna last very long.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
They're not. They're not. And I know.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
You all be married thirty some years this year, Michael,
I'll be married thirty five years this year. And there
are times talk about selfless. There are times when you
don't feel like doing certain things. And I'm not talking
about because you're ill, but because in our flesh sometimes
we just don't feel like it.
Speaker 4 (09:58):
But we get the most reward.
Speaker 5 (10:00):
I do when I've done something that I know Michael needs,
even when I didn't feel like it, right, Yeah, so
I get a better feeling afterwards. And not that it's
about my feelings, but when his needs are met, right,
and he gets it could be a meal, it could
be and it can be pressing, fair slacks, it doesn't matter.
But that is the selfish of That's what Jesus was
(10:22):
all about. Yeah, And so I thank you for that.
So then you know, I've heard people say people who shack,
I mean, I know old people.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
I know people in their seventies and eighties who've been shacking.
Speaker 5 (10:33):
For like forty years, right, and they say they don't
need a piece of paper, But what you say that
marriage is more fulfilling than cohabitating or shacking.
Speaker 6 (10:43):
Oh yeah, definitely, I would.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Yeah, yeah, And if I could just share this, you know,
one of the things that I believe we provide in
relationships is security and stability. And when you shock with someone,
you have no security, You have no stability because they
can up and leave any time they want to. They
(11:08):
have no covenant relationships. And I think covenant is always
better than contract. Oh, shocking is a contract. It is
a verbal contract that two people enter into, whereas a
covenant is you're making a covenant not only with God,
(11:29):
but you're making a legal covenant to love each other
until death. Do you par And so here's the reason
keeping it real. This is a reason why people shock.
And it's amazing when you look at statistics. People think
that if they can live together with somebody, then they'll
get to know that person and they'll have greater success
once they get married. But statistics shows that those that shock,
(11:54):
they end up getting a divorce at a higher rate
than those that do not shock. Sotistically, they're thinking in
their in their cognitive thinking that if I live with
this person, get to know this person, it's going to
guarantee the success of our marriage. No, that's not gonna
be the case. Another reason why people shack is economically,
(12:17):
so they think, in their mind, hey, let's live together.
We got one rent, one utility bill, one grocery bill,
and we're gonna put our finances together. Well, that that
in itself shows that there's some issues because you as
a husband, you have a wife. If you're not sufficient
in yourself, then that means you're coming together for financial
(12:42):
reasons and not for godly reasons. So the covenant of
marriage is always better than shacking, and it doesn't produce
security or stability in the relationship in my opinion.
Speaker 6 (12:54):
Yeah, and for me, you know, when I hear that
people are shacking up, I'd just say you're taking it easy,
ride eye, it's easy to shot. It's one day you
can be together next day. You know you're not looking
for commitment, but yet you say you want it. Well,
the very thing you want, you're not. The actions that
you have just don't support what you really want. So
(13:16):
that's the that's a trick of the enemy. So what
he does, he just wrote, he gets you don't need him.
These days, sometimes it seems like we're doing it ourselves.
So he's just going back saying, hey, you know, I
got it made because I can just plant the same
thoughts and they'll continue to do the same thing. He'll
steal your passion, he'll steal your dream all while you're
(13:38):
with somebody. It's just the easiest way to have a
relationship with someone that has no commitment attached to it.
And you say you have an issue with trust, But
how know were you going to trust with trust someone
that doesn't even want to do the difficult things in
life with you? How can you buield with someone that
doesn't even have the proper tools in their hands to
help you build what's on your heart?
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Well?
Speaker 6 (13:59):
How the vision? And so when someone says, oh, I'm
shocking with it, I always say, well, you know, bless
your sweetheart, because this is the easy way out to
have a relationship with someone that that has no stability
in it. And so what you you gonna get? What
you what you get when you check it up right right, I.
Speaker 5 (14:20):
Don't trust it. I don't trust it and to keeping
it real because I did it, I did it in
my twenties. I don't trust it in anybody who's in
that type of relationship right now. I hope we're bringing
some context to you to help you rethink the way
that you're living and how you are robbing yourself of
(14:41):
what you really really desire. And so another thing I've
heard people say and want to ask you to speak
on is does marriage mean you're responsible for each other's happiness?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Wow? Well, you know that's that's what really good question,
doctor Chen. And I believe happiness and joy is they're different.
Happiness is based on what's happening around you. Joy is
based on what is in you. I believe people can
(15:20):
bring happiness into your life, but only God can bring
joy in your life. And I think coming into any relationship,
you have to have joy. If you're looking for a
relationship to give you that joy, they are not going
to be able to do that. That relationship is going
(15:42):
to bring a certain level of happiness, but it cannot
bring joy because you get into relationships and you enjoy
being with the person, You enjoy doing things with a person,
you enjoy traveling. But the only thing that is going
to keep you doing the hard times and we all know,
keeping it real, we're gonna have hard times, and we loved.
Speaker 6 (16:03):
Well.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
If we're looking for our spouse to give us that joy.
Then sometimes they are not going to be in a
position to give us that joy. They may be going
through something. They may be going through depression, or going
through some type of spiritual warfare, or going through some sickness.
And that's why we got to have joy within our
(16:24):
selves and what they do. And I always say this
is that my spouse is simply a supplement. She's not
a source.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
As a parent, never.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Make a supplement a source in your life. No, she
supplements my life. She adds value to my life. But
I already had value before I met her, already had joy.
I was already happy before I met her. She supplemented
that and she added to that. And so there are
(16:58):
so many us that are in relationships we are looking
for people to be our sores instead of our supplement.
Speaker 6 (17:07):
Yeah, And one thing I have learned, not just in marriage,
but in relationships altogether. I'm just not going to give
someone the responsibility for my happiness.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
That's come on.
Speaker 6 (17:18):
The purpose of marriage, like I said, is not just
to make you. You can be happy in marriage whether
it's good or bad. But I have learned that marriage
has caused me to become more holy than I thought
I would ever be. And that's not a bad thing.
People think being holy is bad. No, it's not a negative.
The purpose of marriage is not only to make you happy,
but allow you the opportunity to be happy and fulfilled
(17:40):
and home and transformed with your best friend. This is
my best friend, and he's my accountability partner, but I'm
gonna give him the responsibility of making me happy. I'm
gonna be happy, good or bad. I go to sleep happy.
That's my choice, and so I make that choice. And
happiness is just a by product of a healthy marriage.
(18:03):
So I think what we need to do is focus
on having a healthy marriage, not just be happy in
the marriage.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
That's good. That's good.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
And I also, like the pastor said, you can't use
a supplement as your source. If you right need vitamin D,
it's not gonna give you the same thing that the
actual sunshine gives. Your sunshine is the source. So I
love that, and I'm hoping we're helping. I hope we're
helping somebody. I hope that people are listening and understand
(18:33):
that people are not Your spouse is not responsible for
your own happiness. They both said that they had the
joy of the Lord. They were happy before they became married.
So that's huge for some people. Well I'm not happy anymore.
He didn't make me happy. She doesn't make me happy.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
Baby, make yourself happy. It's the joy of the Lord.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Right.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
So, and even preparing I was talking to.
Speaker 4 (18:59):
A lot of people and somebody asked me, and I
thought this was a good question.
Speaker 5 (19:03):
How do you fight for your marriage when you're fighting
inside your marriage?
Speaker 6 (19:09):
Why do her, a pastor say to me, whines before.
You don't fight in, you fight from And so that
changed my perspective. And maybe he can elaborate on that,
because he's really good doing that. But see, and also
you have to understand what are you fighting? So we
don't fight against flesh and blood instead of fighting your spouse,
(19:32):
why don't you fight the enemy. The enemy is not
your spouse, your The enemy is something that you've never
encountered before because you were afraid to even face it.
So either rule problem of what it really is, and
fights not against flesh and blood, but against principalities in
your marriage. And so a lot of people say, well,
we've been fighting, Well, now, yeah, y'all been fighting because
(19:55):
the enemy wants you to fight, but deep to find
what are you fighting about? You know, get to the
root of the problem. Or you can look at Ephesian
sick and put your arm on girls, strap up, okay,
and really fight what really needs to be fought instead
of fighting your your spouse. That's that game is old
(20:16):
and overwear.
Speaker 4 (20:17):
It is old.
Speaker 6 (20:18):
That's really all it's. It's just like, okay, we're fighting.
Who doesn't fight or have a heated exchange of.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
What you call it eating, a change of conflicting. Yes, yeah, yeah, life.
Life is a fight. You know, we fight the good
fight of faith. So that's a very good question, doctor Chen.
How do you fight for your marriage when you're fighting
in your marriage? Well, well, really, what we fight for
(20:50):
we fight for the covenant. The covenant is worth fighting for.
And so even when you're fighting with some one, whether
it's in church, with a business, in a business relationship,
or maritter relationship, you're gonna have disagreements. You're gonna have
times when you're fighting one another in philosophy and principles
(21:15):
and sometimes even in values. But why what gives you
the strength? What gives you the strength and the motivation
to continue to fight that good fight of faith. You
realize that is a greater purpose and there's a greater
covenant better than the disagreement that you're having now. One
(21:36):
thing that I can say, keeping it real, nobody can
do a constant fighting. So that has to come a
place and a time where we come to some type
of resolution. And so that's when we really have to
fall on the all to and make the changes that
we need to make. If I had to say, another
(21:58):
important ingredient of a successful marriage is that you got
to be willing to be made, willing to change. Change,
You got to you gotta grow, You gotta become more
than what you are today. Because I don't want to
fight all my life. I'm gonna fight, and I know
there's a fight, but at some point I gotta have victory.
(22:20):
I got to see the walls of the war and
understand that this fight has produced a reward in our marriage,
in our ministry, in our.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
Business, and through that reward.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
We have grown, we have changed. The willingness to change
is a selfishness that I go back to in the
first question. When you're selfish and you refuse to change,
and you refuse to grow, it's a constant fight.
Speaker 6 (22:51):
Yeah. And then even in the fight, what I've learned,
doctor chen, I would I had to fight fair. That
was like the first couple of years in our marriage.
I learned how to fight fair because I'm gonna fighter
that nature and I can get you know, girls, it's like, hey,
you want to get is this what we're doing? And
(23:11):
let's get into it. Nevertheless, I learned how I had
to learn how to fight. Some of us don't know
how to fight. We learned that in our upbringing with
and experiences, but then we get with this person called
our spouse, you know, And what I had to understand
I had to fight fair. But it wasn't fighting against him.
I had to fight against the enemy, which was within. Yes.
(23:36):
And so I'm going back to what Pastor was saying
about being selfish. That was one of my traits because
this is a deep route in my family. I had
to find out, well, where where the words has come
from when it came from my father, and some of
that stuff is generational curses, but then you're you're you're
imposing that on your spouse. Nevertheless, I had to come
up with a strategic battle plan to fight fair and
(24:01):
to win. And so we'll do that. We'll come up,
we'll think about how we're gonna fight maybe a coworker,
and we sit down and have that premeditated those but
when it comes to our spouse, we just pop off.
H yeah, we just we don't even think about it
that it's not him or it's not her. Now, I
(24:23):
need a strategic plan for this selfishness. I need to
changing myself. I need to plan, you know, from so
that my mindset would change, then we will become healthy
in our marriage. And so going back to what Pastor
is saying, yeah, you know, just you gotta fight from
(24:44):
something in your marriage, not just in your marriage, or
don't don't fight the covenant fight the challenge you have
that comes from with me.
Speaker 4 (24:55):
So would you give us.
Speaker 5 (24:59):
Give us a description of something that's not fair in fighting?
I want to help somebody if they're fighting in a
way that's not fair. What is something that's unfair in
the fight in marriage? Before the marriage?
Speaker 6 (25:14):
I think something that's something that's unfair to fight?
Speaker 4 (25:18):
Is that what you're like? You said you learned how
to fight fair, So what's not fair?
Speaker 6 (25:23):
Okay? So when I had to learn how to fight
fair with Pastor, it was I had to learn how
to fight that. It was like a battlefield in my mind.
You have to fight fair. I fought with the word
of God, which is all and not my own thoughts,
not my past, not my my upbringing. That was unfair
(25:48):
to my husband to fight him with with those kinds
of tools that I learned as a child are as
a teenager. And so I'm in a covenant relationship. I
need to fight fair with the right tools. So I
just began to have used the word of God to
change my mindset, my mindset, and my perspective so that
I would fight the principalities and it would not be
(26:11):
imposed on him. And so to fight fair with him
was not to like. Okay, let me give you examples
so I can make it really clear, because I don't
think I'm being clear. So one issue in our marriage
was you don't talk to me low, don't don't don't
approach me with a loud voice because you gonna get
a response you probably don't like. Well, where did I
(26:34):
get that from? This is how I changed to fight
fair instead of just tit for tat, or you're gonna
talk to me loud, you're gonna curse me, out, I'm
coming back with some compound cross words. No, that's not
fair to your prince. That's not fair, priests in the house.
That's not fair to the provider. That's not fair, you know,
to your best friend. So I had to change my
(26:54):
perspective with the word of God, and I had to
fight with words covered in love. I had to back
up and do what was necessary so that I don't
injure him mm hmm. And that's good, and I don't
inflict additional rules. He has enough from the world. Why
in the world. So that's what I mean by fighting fair,
(27:18):
changing your mindset with that thing that is going to
make it change, which is the Word of God, principles,
life principles.
Speaker 5 (27:26):
Another thing she said that was good, you said was
you don't bring up the past.
Speaker 4 (27:31):
So that's not fair. Bringing up the path, that's not fair.
And I think a.
Speaker 5 (27:36):
Lot of people do that. And like you, you said,
I love this keeping it real. How you talked about
how you were raised.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
And we all.
Speaker 5 (27:44):
Bring something into the marriage that the spouses really don't
know anything about, not their issue, not their responsibility. And
so that's one thing that's not fair. And and really,
if we're honest I think we have, like you have,
two broken people, all broken in some type of way.
We come with old wounds into the marriage, and.
Speaker 4 (28:06):
And so those things are not fair. And I don't
think a.
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Lot of people realize that you already come in with
some baggs. Don't dump that on the spouse, right and
then cause them to have to help you drag some
stuff around that really should be dropped off anyway.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
And that's why this is I'm sorry, No, that's okay.
That's why I didn't think about this till just now.
Speaker 5 (28:29):
That's why premarital counseling is important, isn't it past?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Absolutely absolutely, Because when when you think about an unfair fight,
let me let me just try to bring clarity to it.
An unfair fight is when you use comparisons in your fight.
No one likes to be compared to someone else. Just
(28:57):
talk about the behavior. No one likes to be attacked personally.
That is an unfair fight. We can talk about my
behavior and what I'm doing, but when you make it
personal and start calling me names or attaching what I'm
doing to a character, that's an unfair fight. Another unfair
(29:22):
fight is because we all want transparency in relationship so
if I open up to you and I share some
things with you, an unfair fight is when you use
the information that I gave you and then turn it
around to win an argument. My god, you are shooting
(29:44):
me with my own bullets. That's my fair fight. So
premaritor counseling, like you said, it helps us to discuss
issues in a safe environment and come to resolution so
we can bring about change.
Speaker 6 (30:00):
Yeah, and even with Pastor talking about I think people,
even though you're married, you still need to go to
marriage counseling to get a check up, just like you
do your car. We take our cars in, but we
don't take our marriage in.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
I like it.
Speaker 6 (30:15):
And when I was fighting fair with Pastor, I didn't.
I there was a comparison between he and my father,
and when you have to make daddy issues, I imposed
that on him. So when he spoke to me loud,
I compared his tone of voice to my father's tone
of voice, and that was fighting around for me. So
(30:37):
I wasn't fighting fair, and so that's when we had
to have pre matter counseling in the marriage.
Speaker 4 (30:43):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (30:44):
I love it. I love it, and I love the
idea of the checkup. I love the idea of the checkup.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
That is huge.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
This is good, y'all know you're gonna have to come
back righting that I want you for the sake of time.
I want to get to some of these meaty questions.
I want you to talk.
Speaker 4 (31:06):
About how.
Speaker 5 (31:08):
Men don't want a mother in the marriage, but a
wife does want a daddy.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Ah.
Speaker 6 (31:16):
Well, you know I.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Heard doctor Chen just keeping it real, Doctor ed Cole,
which is a mentor of mine that I've read many
of his books. He started a Christian Men's Network ministry.
He used to say, when a man makes his wife
his mother, he cannot make love to his mother, so
(31:39):
that relationship doesn't work. And so it is so important
that we don't make our wives our mother. And a
lot of that is and he's the honest to God truth,
just keeping it real. Right. Most women don't want to
be your mother. That them being your mother is simply
(32:05):
a byproduct of the immaturity that.
Speaker 4 (32:08):
Is in that man.
Speaker 6 (32:10):
Yeah, So if we're going to keep it.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Real, there has to be some maturity that we see
in that man that will ultimately prevent that woman from
being a mother figure in his wife. And so all
men has to grow to the degree where they're able
(32:33):
to lead their families. And so I like to see
men be the men that God called them to be
and that will ultimately create their wife to be a
wife and not be a mother. Accept your responsibility and
do what God has called you to do.
Speaker 6 (32:52):
And I'm not trying to raise another child. Come on,
I'm trying to reproduce a child so we can leave
a legacy.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Now, let me say this, so many men, a man
wants a wife to be a coach, and sometimes they
take that coaching as mothering. But it is important for
them to understand that there are times that a wife
will be your coach.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
But the only.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
Reason they don't accept the coach is because they never
see the cheerleader whoa and so if they're able to
have a balance in relationship, then they're able to see
both the coach and the cheerleader operating in the same vessel.
(33:44):
Most men complain that the woman is trying to be
that mother because all she does is coach. All she
does is tell them to do things. All she is
doing is nagging about stuff. And I will submit to
the couples out there that if they will see more
of the cheerleader in their wife. Then they'll be able
(34:07):
to handle those times that she's called she's annoyed to
be a coach as well.
Speaker 4 (34:14):
All Right, that's good, y'all. I mean, this is good stuff,
all right.
Speaker 5 (34:18):
So, so, Reverend Lisa, do wise want a daddy?
Speaker 6 (34:23):
If he's a big daddy?
Speaker 7 (34:24):
Oh, big daddy, this is real, that's actually, that's actually okay,
if she wants tooth.
Speaker 6 (34:35):
I actually call him two things. He's my big daddy
because he truly is. He is. He's not child ish,
but he has a tendency sometimes when we travel and
we're doing some fun things to be childlike. And so
I like to call him my big daddy because that's
what big daddies do. And he's also my blessing. And
(34:58):
so you know, I call him my big daddy blessing.
But and I done got out of it. I don't
forgotten the question because he looked at me in a
certain way, and I forgot today. You know what, in
a sense, if you are a woman that has daddy issues,
(35:20):
and that is a whole nother topic him that sense,
you you want your husband to be a daddy in
the sense of being a protector, someone that can hold
you when times are hard, that has that strong arm
when you are weak. And in that sense, yes, then yeah,
(35:44):
I would say a wife would enjoy having him as
a daddy sometimes when it is necessary, I call my
abba father, call him daddy sometimes, and and so and
and when I look at those in parallel, put those
side by side. Yes, I'll look at my husband like
he's the priest, like he's the daddy in the house.
(36:05):
And I call him daddy. When I called him daddy,
he knows what I need. When I call him father,
he knows what I need. So in that sense, yeah,
but I don't need a controller. Mm hmmm, right, not
in that sense. I don't need for you to cap me. Yeah,
(36:26):
not in that sense.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
And you know many times I say men they need
to be a covering and not a lid. Yes, And
so whenever men are lid, then that's when the daddy
issues come out. We have to we have to be
a covering over our wives. And that makes a world
(36:49):
of difference.
Speaker 4 (36:51):
I love it. I love it. I love it. I
love it. I love it.
Speaker 5 (36:57):
And I'm looking at I'm looking at time, and I'm like,
at least want to get one more good question. And
because usually at the end, we have Audrey to come
on and like Audie will take notes when she learns something.
But I've gotten excited here and can you talk a
little bit.
Speaker 4 (37:12):
I'm trying to pick a question I want to ask.
Speaker 6 (37:14):
Can you talk a.
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Little bit about physical appearance in marriage?
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Well, I guess from a from a male's perspective, we
we are visually motivated as from men and and and
let's you know, I'm gonna have to steal the name
of your show, doctor Chang. I love keeping it real. Uh,
but we we serve a god that aesthetically He's created
(37:46):
such a beautiful world esthetically, so all of the colors,
all of the beauty, all of the scenery. When you
go to the mountains or to the oceans, you see
the variety of views and beauty. I truly believe that
has to be a level of aesthetic intimacy in marriages,
(38:11):
meaning you have to create a great view for one another,
whether it's going on vacations and changing the view, whether
it's changing your hair, changing your style, you know, the
beauty of your home. I come home to a beautiful
house that my wife has made a house a home,
(38:37):
and she's such a beautiful woman. We have all grown.
We're in our fifties, so we're not the same size.
So you begin to look at beauty and appearance differently.
But they have their own beauty in in itself, whether
you're in your twenties, your thirties, your forties, your fifties,
(38:58):
and so we do our best to keep up the appearance.
Speaker 6 (39:02):
Yes, and he mentioned, you know when you get older,
things change. Yeah, it is what it is. Ladies. For
those of you who have hit metopause, you understand what
I'm saying. But if you have not just lived a
little while longer, I would think with that question, I
think about two things as far as appearance is concerned
(39:25):
now as a husband, my husband has never put pressure
on me to look like any other woman.
Speaker 4 (39:30):
I love it.
Speaker 6 (39:31):
I am not. I am not Beyonce, and I'm not
I am least alone. And he has always always loved
who I am, for better or for worse, rich or
for core, no matter what shape or size I am.
I'm the one that say, oh my god, I have
to lose ten pounds, like I lose fifteen pounds, like
I've dressed this up so it can look nice to him.
(39:54):
It still looks nice. It is desirable. And so for that,
I would say, I thinking our marriages, we need not
put that kind of pressure on our spouses. We have
enough pressure to go on. And so why in the
world would you pressure your wife to be someone else
if you wanted someone else what you marry her for.
(40:15):
And also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
If you behold your spouse from the day you got
married up until this point, she or he will always
be beautiful in your eyes. They don't have to be
beautiful to other people. They would be beautiful to you
all the time until the day you are transition and
end up in the mother night of Jesus.
Speaker 4 (40:37):
Oh that's good, This is so good. This is so good.
Speaker 5 (40:42):
All right, Audrey, could I already know? Come on back, Audrey.
I just I'm excited about all that. I know that
people must have gleaned. She come back on here quick, y'all.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
Y'all see that.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Right, Listen, I'm over here, got a paid for and nose.
Speaker 3 (40:59):
And it's funny because.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
When I was a teenager, one of my friends her dad,
when he was talking to somebody, he said that, you know,
he's married, and her parents was married like her whole life.
But he said one time that he said they said
something about a woman being attractive. He said, he said,
I ain't ray, Charles, I ain't blind, right, And that
(41:23):
stuck him. And I had to be fifteen years old
at the time, but that stuck in my head. So
I wanted to so about let me see my daughter.
About four years.
Speaker 3 (41:30):
Ago, we went to Miami, the whole family.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
It's my daughter's thirtieth birthday, and doctor Jane, I don't
know if you've ever been in Miami in the summertime,
it is a sight to be seen.
Speaker 6 (41:39):
So my husband is there and I'm like, look at
that one, look at this, look at that right.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
So when we came home, he called one of his
friends in Jersey and I was telling the story.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
I was like, I was telling them look.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
I told him to look because I couldn't believe it myself,
and he said, so one of his friends said, you
were comfortable with that?
Speaker 3 (41:57):
And I was like, listen, look, anyway, he ain't blind.
He's married, he's not blind. He couldn't help but to
see it.
Speaker 1 (42:03):
But anyway, I said all that to say, a lot
of times I feel like people think their spouses.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Are blind or they should be.
Speaker 6 (42:08):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
I'm not one of those people.
Speaker 6 (42:10):
As a matter of fact, I told him, take a
trip and go back with your boys.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
You might enjoy it a lot better with without me
being there, because I know you've been reserved.
Speaker 4 (42:16):
But that's me keeping it real, right.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
But you said a lot of stuff. One of the
things I love what you said. You said marriages should
get a checkup. How often should they get a check up?
Speaker 6 (42:27):
And how do you think the marriages need a check up?
I mean for us, I know for sure my husband's
gonna check up with me at least once a year.
You know, I just look at it. He said to
me one time. He said, you know, people will take
their cars in for all change, but they don't come
into the church for a change.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
I was like, if you say something like that, yeah,
I think individually we should be like once a year
with one another, say hey, hey, how am I doing
as a husband, how am I doing as a wife?
What are some areas that I need to grow in?
I think that should be once a year, but I
think maybe every seven to ten years. It may be
(43:13):
wise to go see someone and talk with someone because
we enter into different seasons in our marriage, and sometimes
we need to know how to embrace that transition. You
got the child bearing seasons where you're having children and
raising children. Then your your kids get older and you
got an empty ness. How do you embrace that? So
(43:35):
but then that's also.
Speaker 6 (43:37):
The factor which is my weakest area in the marriage
of concerning finances, and so every seven to ten years,
you need to get your money in your back. Right.
So he would sit, he would take me out to dinner,
really nice dinner too, So I was all excited. Right
then he put the numbers on the table. I'm like, dude,
what's that?
Speaker 2 (43:56):
But you know it.
Speaker 6 (43:57):
Shows me in the marriage that he's concerned about our future.
Speaker 4 (44:02):
This is good.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yeah, I got one last question because I know it's
running out of time, but this is this is a biggie.
So I'm the president of a women's chamber of commerce
here in Gwinett County, the Gnette Women's Chamber of Commerce.
I'm surrounded by by alpha females all the time. And
so these men marry these alpha females. But when they
want to.
Speaker 3 (44:22):
Not be alpha, that's a problem in the marriage.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
So they want to be soft and feminine, and they
want them to be this alpha female all the time.
Speaker 3 (44:32):
How do you help them.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Move past that?
Speaker 1 (44:34):
Because I get it, you married her, that's what you want,
But she doesn't want to be that all the time.
And I know that because I talk to them, and
that's always that's an issue for a lot of them.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Yeah, I think the alpha females they need to number one,
understand their time and number two understand their territory. They
don't want to be that way all the time, and
they don't want to be that way in every situation.
So female lions, they're the ones that go hunting female,
(45:06):
not the male lions, the female lion. But if they
know the territory where the husband can release them and
go and then just having that communication saying listen, I
don't want to be this alpha woman in this territory
right here. So when you define the territory and the time,
(45:27):
then you can navigate that whole alpha male alpha female syndrome.
Speaker 6 (45:32):
And a doctor ten, you've heard me saying this before,
and this is a whole other subject. You have to
know that you know when it's time for you to
be a lioness and when it's time for you to
be a kitticap.
Speaker 5 (45:42):
Yeah, I can't wait to have you.
Speaker 3 (45:48):
Doctor. This is a good one.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
We got so many questions to get to, but we're
out of time. I hope this is gonna be a
part too all us. It's gonna be a whole series
in my opinion, because I talk to a lot of
women all the time I talk to I'm a married
woman of twenty.
Speaker 3 (46:04):
Five four years. I think I lose track.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Twenty four years, I think and and just talking to
women and talking to my husband. You know, when I
do a check in, if I say hey, listen, he's.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
He clam up, Yeah, wrong with you? Like he think
I'm going to say something crazy?
Speaker 1 (46:21):
He clams up. But a lot of guys claim up.
They don't want you to have that conversation. There's a
there's a meme going around TikTok, right, and the mother
the wife says, I want to I want to have
a conversation when you finished cutting the grass and you
guys saying that one and he's spending the grass, told
me a clipper or something. It's hilarious. And my husband
sending me that because I said, hey, listen, I need
(46:42):
to talk to you.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
He'll send me that meme.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Like as soon as I finished cutting the grass. But
I think this was great. I think it's much needed.
I think where we.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
Are right now, a lot of people are worried about
a lot.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
Of different stuff.
Speaker 1 (46:54):
And when you have all this worry, it kind of
it can drip down into your marriage.
Speaker 3 (46:58):
So this is very time.
Speaker 1 (47:00):
Thank you guys, and thank you doctor Chimp will always
bringing these amazing.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
People to share with the world. Well just with this
amazing conscience. So yeah, go ahead, close it out.
Speaker 5 (47:11):
Well again, I want to thank Pastor and Reverend Lisa
for showing up because this is here, we are, you know,
the beginning of the week, and you know, I know
he ministered and she ministered yesterday. But marriage is important.
They said, it's a covenant. I just want to I
hope you took notes, and I hope you got some tips.
There's a way to fight fair in the marriage. There's
(47:33):
a time to check in with a marriage, every marriage
and have a check up.
Speaker 4 (47:36):
And those are some of the points.
Speaker 5 (47:38):
I don't want to close out with something that, you know,
I want to say fluff and all that.
Speaker 4 (47:42):
Yep, you know.
Speaker 5 (47:43):
Ordie talks about click the subscribe button and come back,
go back and listen to this. So that you can
be a better wife or husband so that if you're engaged,
you know some different things to go into a marriage,
not expecting and looking.
Speaker 4 (47:58):
For a mama.
Speaker 5 (47:59):
You know all these things that we talked about, And
I am gonna ask, will y'all come back sometime?
Speaker 4 (48:05):
Can I just some time?
Speaker 2 (48:08):
Doctor Chan? You know I can't tell you no, you
already know that. So whenever you wonte me and Lisa
and I have come back, we'd be glad to come
back and shay, thank you for having us.
Speaker 4 (48:19):
Yeah, thank you, thank you do your thanks.
Speaker 1 (48:23):
We hope yeah, we hope you enjoyed this episode. Share
this episode with somebody who you know problem is struggling.
Even if you suspect that trug struggling, they haven't said anything.
Shared an episode because here's the thing. People need this
information so that they can continue to thrive and keep
their feelings together. And lack of knowledge kills us all.
So we don't want that to be the problem for
a marriage. So share it with somebody. If you enjoy
(48:46):
this episode, be sure to subscribe. Hit the subscribe button
wherever you're listening, wherever you're watching, he the subscribe button
and subscribe, and also listen, support doctor Tim or her
with her efforts and what she's doing here, great guests.
Speaker 3 (48:58):
Great information.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
Go to Lena Chen minute ses dot com to support
her in any way you feel like you can, but
do do us favor, share the show, subscribe to the show.
We'll be back in two weeks, same day, same time.
Thank you Doctor Reginald and doctor Reverend Lisa for being here.
We'll be back you guys, stay safe out there and
stay safe and until next time, make it a great day.
Speaker 6 (49:19):
By everybody.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
I love you, Love you,
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