STORY TIME: That Manic And Brutal Collection Of Thoughts And Emotions That Stick To Us Like Glue

STORY TIME: That Manic And Brutal Collection Of Thoughts And Emotions That Stick To Us Like Glue




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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's four a m. The alarm is set for six,
but I'm awake anyways. My brain is wired despite a
lack of sleep. I decide to get up and begin
my morning routine. Every morning, I take time to examine
the pieces of min and Azerie. It really sets the
tone for my day. I cannot do anything else before

(00:23):
looking at each one individually. I check my pocket to
find them all there as they always are. First, I
examine perfectionism and hold it close to my chest. I
love it, I need it. It makes me feel whole.
It reminds me that I cannot drop a single item

(00:43):
in my collection, cannot let anything break. I cannot break
no matter how much I bend. Next, I take on obsession.
It's the stern and unforgiving mental coach for my mind.
It reminds me to check the oven eight times before
I leave the house, just in case I turned it

(01:05):
on without knowing it. It tells me the house will
burned down if I don't turn the car around and
make sure the curling iron is unplugged. The same curling
iron that is tucked safely away in the closet and
hasn't been used in six months. Well, of course, I
can't forget self doubt that tells me that no matter

(01:28):
how hard I try, I will never be good enough.
This is an important piece of the collection. It keeps
me grounded. It's good to know your limitations in life.
After all, I go through my day carrying my menagerie
with me in my pocket, shaping all that I do.

(01:51):
Perfectionism masks self doubt and obsession. Well, it fools others
into thinking that I have it all together. They work
in perfect symbiosis, an ecosystem of dysfunction, the ultimate balancing
act of mental disarray. As long as I trod carefully,

(02:12):
I can walk this tightrope and maintain the facade that
I'm thriving. But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm
actually so very tired. I wish I could put down
my collection. I wish I could rest. But how would
someone go about that? Isn't it always with you to

(02:34):
get rid of it? I certainly don't know how. I mean.
My both pockets idea turned out to be a bust.
So many of my halfwit ideas have the first day
I tried to double down with my collection, you know,
I end up having a breakdown at work. In front
of everybody. Clearly that did not work out. They send

(02:59):
me home early, and they instruct me to use some
of my personal days. I mean that stinks. I can't
return until I can prove that my pockets are empty
or at least less heavy. Can we really do that?
So now I am back visiting the curator, feeling much

(03:19):
like a loser, a fake. I'll let down perfectionism. Well,
that points out that I dropped all the pieces, and
now I'm broken self doubt sobs that I'm too stupid
to put down such a terrible collection, even when I
know most certainly that I should obsession. Well, it swears,

(03:44):
I should consider all the ways in which I have
failed over the last twenty years, so that I never
make a mistake again, ever again. But the Curator, her
nature gentle and her heart forgiving, smiles at me, tells
me to try again. She tells me that so many

(04:06):
people have the same kind of collection, and they too
struggle to let it go. I am human, she reminds me.
I'm still growing, I'm still learning. She recommends new pathways
of thinking, and she helps me to see the ways
in which I am a success in my own life.

(04:29):
She suggests laying down my menagerie just for short periods
of time to be safe. See how that feels? Can
I handle it? Well? She's so kind and so encouraging,
and while I don't feel completely better, I do notice
that my pocket is a little bit lighter when I leave.

(04:51):
I continue to improve a little each day since that
breakdown at work, I've seen the curator multiple times and
strive to listen to each and every one of her
very thought out recommendations. I haven't been able to swap
out my pieces for the ones that she suggests, though,

(05:13):
but I have updated my menagerie just a bit, and
that's been helpful today. In my pocket, instead of perfectionism,
I carry forgiveness, which reminds me to let go of
my own mistakes. I also swapped out self doubt. That's
a big one. I swapped it out for cautious optimism.

(05:37):
And I remain hopeful to this day that this new
piece will become a permanent installation, that I won't be
at risk for it being swapped back. Now, obsession, that big,
ugly obsession, Well, it's been replaced with one step at
a time. That's my new positive phrase for myself. This

(06:01):
new collection. It's so much brighter than my old one,
and I find that I'm less fatigued at the end
of the day. Sometimes old pieces still sneak their way
back into my pocket from time to time, but I've
noticed that they are smaller than they used to be.
It's so difficult till I go of the familiar, isn't it.

(06:22):
It's hard for me to let go of the familiar,
even if it isn't good for me. But I work
on it, one step at a time. The end, thank
you for being here and thank you for listening. We
all have the questions. That's why we stay curious.