May 14, 2025 • 35 mins
*Trigger Warning* In this episode, Leslie sits down with Amy Ebat, Community Engagement Director for SRT Services, as they talk about Sexually Related Trauma (SRT) and how to find support and heal from it. Amy's bravery is on full display as she details her own personal experiences and the journey that led her to being a resource to others through SRT Services.
00:00 Introduction
00:55 The States Behind Sexual Abuse
02:53 Amy's Story and Journey to SRT Services
15:45 Dealing with Shame Amidst SRT
20:56 Amy's Message for those Dealing with SRT
22:52 Forming Relationships after Experiencing SRT
26:29 Finding Support for SRT
32:12 Outro
Hear more from The Leslie's Lowdown on Life Podcast on KHQ here: https://www.khq.com/podcasts/lowedown/
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#LeslieLowe #LesliesLowedown #SRT #Leslie #Lowe #NonStopLocalKHQ
00:00 Introduction
00:55 The States Behind Sexual Abuse
02:53 Amy's Story and Journey to SRT Services
15:45 Dealing with Shame Amidst SRT
20:56 Amy's Message for those Dealing with SRT
22:52 Forming Relationships after Experiencing SRT
26:29 Finding Support for SRT
32:12 Outro
Hear more from The Leslie's Lowdown on Life Podcast on KHQ here: https://www.khq.com/podcasts/lowedown/
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2zh3I6QViMX9u71UQPZ5bI?si=Zu7gGK2YTCqjSs0f1479bw
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/leslies-lowedown-on-life/id1793616053
iHeart: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/53-leslies-lowedown-on-life-262851666/
Follow Leslie on Social Media!
Facebook: facebook.com/LeslieLowe10 I
nstagram: instagram.com/khqleslielowe
#LeslieLowe #LesliesLowedown #SRT #Leslie #Lowe #NonStopLocalKHQ
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 3 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Leslie Low.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Leslie's Lowdown on Life.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And welcome everybody to Leslie's Lowdown on Life. I want
to give you a little bit of a trigger warning
here because today we're going to be talking about a
really heavy topic, sexual abuse. Since so if you're not
ready to join us, that's okay. We'll see again next week.
Today I'm joined by Amy Ebat. You're the director or
the community engagement director of SRT. And what SRT provides
(00:42):
is healing services for sexually related trauma, which is again
a pretty deep subject and a really difficult one to
talk about again. SRT deals with trauma dudist sexual abuse,
ISSAUL trauma, DUDA past abortions or trauma DUDA miscarriage and
or still earth. And before we get started, Amy, I
(01:03):
looked up some statistics. One in five women in the
US have experienced rape in their lifetime. Yeah, that was
such a huge number to me. It's just like a
gut punch. And then twenty four just over twenty four
percent of men have experienced some form of contact sexual
violence in their lifetime. And then this was the big one.
(01:24):
Eighty one percent of women and forty three percent of
men have experienced sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
Yeah. Yeah, those are big numbers, huge numbers.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
And we like to say it's fifty percent of all
American adults have experienced one of the three traumas you mentioned,
so in that statistic even gets bigger. And those are
the people that are just saying that they've had something
done to them if you think about it, and a
lot of us, some of us took a long time
(01:59):
to admit that or even ever if.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
We ever do. Yeah, those statistics are massive.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I think the other thing that really got me was
that I think so often we think of sexual abuse,
we think about females, but it's not just women. It's
men as well, Yes, who are experiencing this sexual fault, assault,
the sexual violence. And I am assuming that it's more
difficult for men to ask for help or reach out
(02:27):
and talk about this.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
Absolutely, and we even find with our groups it's a
little harder to fill our groups.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, it is a massive topic and goes deep.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
It does go deep, goes deep and makes it really
hard to I don't know, just for I'm a woman,
so I obviously know the woman's side of it. It's
very hard to admit that something's happened to you. So
speaking of the women's side of it, you've got your
own personal story. So talk to us about your involvement
(03:02):
in SRT. What got you there and what is what
drives you every day when you're showing up for these
men and women. Yeah, so I was what brought me
to SRT. I'll start there and then I can kind
of go back a little bit.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Was I was.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
A mom of three and about to have my fourth
child and through and I started having children very early
twenty one, So I was a baby having babies, and.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
There was a lot of things that were.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Coming up as I was raising my children and emotions
that I just didn't know how to deal with. Anger
was a really big one. I find myself angry at
my own children for no reason, infant and just not
not knowing where this anger was coming from, and I knew.
So my recovery or healing from my trauma really started
(03:57):
with my first child, going what happened This infant just
completely wrecked my quote unquote wrecked my world and just
knowing something something was there, not really knowing what lots
of other things were going on. I was very terrified
to be left home alone, like when my husband had
(04:20):
to go back to work after I had a baby.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
I was terrified. I didn't all of it.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Obviously, being a new mom that's scary, being pregnant, having
a child, all of that was scary.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
But it just felt.
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Overwhelmingly too much. And there came a point I started
working through my story. Someone finally asked me just to
tell my story to them, and for the first time
I was able to say it, and I felt a
sense of relief just in that moment of telling my story,
(04:54):
and that really started this. Oh, this goes much deeper
than just this happened to me. Me and I made
it through it, and it's kind of it was kind
of a wound I would wear proudly in a way. Yeah,
I had been abused, but I came through it. But
I had never dealt dealt with the emotions and the
(05:15):
symptoms really of the trauma until it really was in
my face.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
And so fast forward to baby number four.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I had been dealing with this and again these same
things started coming up. And when I say dealing with this,
I mean I had gone through some counseling and decided
to take a break. It started to relieve. All of
life felt a little easier to handle, and so I
(05:48):
just kind of stepped away from counseling and all the things.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Do you mind if I back up a little bit
for a second and you talk about you wore it proudly?
What did you wear proudly? I think the fact that I.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Made it through it that I'm on the other side.
So my story was, when I was nine years old,
someone broke into my house who I did not know
and molested me, and then that sent me on a
totally different trajectory of life, I believe than I would
have probably had that not happened. I became very promiscuous,
(06:23):
very curious about something that I really didn't know anything
about but then was introduced to without wanting to be.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I became very.
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Curious and started sneaking out and just pursuing at a
very young age, relationships and trying to fill this hole
that was taken our I don't know what I felt
was empty, and into high school, I started to at
a very young age. I picked up drugs at thirteen,
(06:57):
and I got in a relationship with a boy that
was eighteen, and then at that point I lost my virginity.
And he was abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive, and I
did not know at thirteen how to put a stop
to any of that. And I really thought, well, this
(07:17):
is kind of what I'm worth because what happened to
me really damaged me, and I'm damaged goods And that's
really what I thought that for a very long time.
And as I went through high school, I had some incidences.
I had two different incidentss of date rape freshman year
and junior year. And I think just graduating and moving,
(07:39):
I'm from Montana moving to Spokane, I felt like I
had made it through the war and I got out.
I made it through and none of this was done
by my family, which I sit in the seventeen percent
that doesn't know their abuser.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
I knew the I still.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
Don't know who the date rape was, but I didn't
know the person that broke into my house. Eighty three
percent of people know the purchase is so painful.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
It's all pain, It's all there.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
I mean, they're absolutely but but I can't imagine knowing
the person.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But I.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
So I came here and just felt like I'm starting
my life. I'm strong. I've been through a lot. I
had been through a lot, because along with that you
lose self worth, you self confidence, and you kind of
let other people control you.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
I was going to say, I would imagine being molested
at the age of nine, not knowing your assaulter, and
then I mean that kind of sets you up. And
tell me if I'm wrong for not knowing how to
set boundaries.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Oh absolutely, I was thinking through that and trying to
think about how to word that, like walls came down
that I didn't know were, you know, I found myself
in positions.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
That were like how did I get here?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Well, I didn't know how to protect myself, and I
really thought I could. I really thought i'd be I
was in control of me. And that's part of I
think that that we get wrong as we feel like
we're in control of ourselves, but then we still find
ourselves in these positions again and again. And I think
(09:27):
not knowing how to set the boundaries was really it
just made it really hard, well really hard to set
boundaries obviously, right.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Do you feel like because you were attacked your assaultant
in your home, that there wasn't anybody there to protect you.
So do you think maybe in your own mind you
thought oh of THEO I don't.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Deserve to be protected?
Speaker 4 (09:56):
God, oh yeah, there's lots of stuff that goes through
your head. And maybe maybe I wasn't didn't deserve to
be protected, or I'm going to be the only one
that can protect me. I am my protector, right And
when for me, my parents were home, they just slept
through it, and because he was quiet, and he snucked
up the stairs and then they did wake up. He
(10:16):
fell down the stairs as he was leaving, and they
woke up and chased him. But and as a parent,
now I realize I won't always be there for my kids,
Like I cannot be there every moment, and I think
this natural instinct to just protect yourself. I am my
own protector kicked in and I mean my parents didn't.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Know what I was doing. I was sneaking out. After that,
I was got really curious about the world.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
It opened this door of like what else is out
there that I don't know about? And I had to
go find it but wasn't protected in it at all.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
What do you so you talk about the date rape?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Were those situations that you found yourself in because of
alcohol or drug? Yes?
Speaker 4 (11:08):
Yeah, yeah, so at thirteen, I started smoking pot and
then and continued that all through high school and started drinking,
and that was really what numbed all of it.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
I mean, I still continued to go to school.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
I lived this double life because I really wanted to
be perfect.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
I really wanted to be popular and all the things.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
So I tried really hard to keep that life in check, right, Like,
I went to school, I kept up my grades, I
was a cheerleader. But when all of that was done,
I'd go and I'd do my drugs and I'd go
and drink until really late hours of the night and
on the weekends, that's what I was doing, and going
to parties and finding myself with the wrong person or
(11:55):
people I didn't know. And that's yeah, that's how it happened.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
I just people to like you.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Yeah, absolutely looking for love and approval the whole time.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Because something was taken.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
At that young age, you feel like like everybody knows really,
and so you have to prove that you're not this,
You're not what they think you are. But then you
still end up being very For me, I ended up
being very promiscuous, and I don't think that would have
happened had I not been molested at nine.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
So when you started to have these feelings, when you
had your children, what started to come up?
Speaker 4 (12:34):
What started to bubble up for you? Fear, A lot
of fear, anxiety, and just not knowing even how to
raise my kids. And that goes into just not feeling
like I was prepared in a lot of ways. I
just ran after high school, and I think for me,
(13:00):
I knew I was a mess. How am I going
to raise these kids? I'm a mess inside? And so
going on my fourth it was like I had been
trying really hard to work on myself, but I could
only do so much, if that makes sense. And then
I had my fourth and more things started coming up. Anxiety,
(13:21):
I started getting panic attacks, which was really abnormal for
me because fear hadn't really been something I would say
I identified with because I lived a really risky line
and like to do some scary things and.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I but it really did.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
It got so to the point where I felt like
it was suffocating me, the fear, and I couldn't figure
out what I was so terrified of. Well, I'm afraid
to raise my kids in the world that I know
it is of abusers out there.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
That we're not always safe. From or whatever. That's what
I was thinking in the back of my head.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Somebody finally sat me down and said, hey, have you
ever tried going to a group to talk about it?
I said, I didn't know there were groups like I
know there's AA and I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
I would at that point, I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
I had stopped drinking, stopped smoking, I had I married
and actually got into church, and my husband was a pastor,
so my life was very different, but the symptoms were
still there of all of that, no self worth, insecure and.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
A lot of fear. Like I said, so I decided
to go ahead and try this group. It was terrifying.
It was I can.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Imagine the scariest, one of the scariest things that Did
you sit there for a few times and just listen.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Or did you jump right in? I think, well I
jumped right in.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
And part of that is I've been telling my story
for at that point I had been already sharing it
with like youth groups or not in crazy detail, but
just where I had been and where I'd come from.
So it wasn't too hard to share that. But I
had never shared the date rape. Actually I went ahead
(15:08):
and told my story and I said, you know, I
found myself in a bathroom, woke up and didn't know
where I was, and went through my story and they
were the first ones to tell me, you know, that's rape, right,
And I sat there for a while and just, yeah,
I guess it is. I didn't consent. I woke up
(15:30):
with not wanting to be there all of it.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Yeah. Oh, and so that was the first time.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
Actually I didn't like put a name on those in
those incidents.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
And you probably like and just being a female and
kind of relating to some of your story, you push
that stuff down and there's an enormous amount of shahame
that goes a long shame as such. Oh it's so yeah,
everyone's so deep, and it really controls and manipulates how
(16:00):
you think and how you feel and how you blame yourself.
And like you said, they had to tell you that's
that's rape, and you're like, but wait, oh it is.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Yeah, yeah, shame that is.
Speaker 4 (16:16):
I'm so glad you said that, because that is definitely
probably the emotion that I felt the.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Most was shame and guilt.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
I for some reason thought I was guilty, like I
did something wrong. I even for in high school, it
was well, maybe I dressed wrong, I was in the
wrong environment. I didn't say no, I was drinking. I
had all these excuses of why it was my fault.
So shame and guilt were huge, and I thought everybody knew. Really,
(16:43):
I thought it was like it was just so I
was just so ashamed of who I was and what
had happened to me.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
That is very true.
Speaker 4 (16:51):
And so going into this this group having to tell
everyone what I did, because we do we share our
stories in that group, and it was the first time
I well not the first time, but one of I
had told it my story earlier and someone met me
with just acceptance and non judgment, and I didn't feel
(17:11):
shame in that moment, and in this time being able
to tell people who have very similar stories, there was
no shame in telling them. It was like they just
received my story so well and held it with so
much honor that they cried for me. They felt the
emotions that I had been stuffing down for a really
(17:32):
long time.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
That I was taking shackles off.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Absolutely, it is, yes, yes, And I sat in the
parking lot for a while to talk myself into go
walking myself in there till finally I did, and honestly,
by the end of those eight weeks, I mean I
work here now, so I loved it. Those women became
my sisters in arms because they've been through the same thing,
(17:57):
very similar things. We related a lot of what they said.
It was like, I have felt that my whole life.
I have felt shame and dirty.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
My whole life. You too, Oh you too? Wow, I'm
not alone? Right, Yeah, it was amazing.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I mean when I listened to you, I'm thinking, it's
like you let all of the that guilt and that
shame just kind of fall away and you start to
figure out who you are again.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yes, And that's exactly it.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
I think a sexual abuse and assault for me took
my identity. It totally stole who I was and created
this different, different Amy that wasn't I like to call
her the old Amy. Now that wasn't really me. I
you know I Yeah, you it changes you. But you
(18:49):
build walls.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Yeah, you create these incredibly strong, tall walls around yourself. Yep,
so that you can keep people out.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, you make valve.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I will never do that again. I will never be
around this again. I will you.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yeah, you pieces of you Also, it feels like pieces
of you get shut off this. I am quite bubbly
and and I love people, and it got to a
point where I didn't want to be around people, and
I couldn't explain why. It just was I felt like
I was bringing something so shameful and so scary to
(19:27):
the table that most people would think was too much.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Not that I always have to talk about it. I don't.
I don't always, but.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It just felt like it like they knew shame, that
shame that I carry.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, yeah, because it is. It's it's heavy. Shame is
a very heavy thing.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
And you know, just look thinking back to those numbers
that you know, we were talking about about how many
men and women have actually been abused or have you know,
experienced some kind of sexual trauma or assault and whatever
environment it is, then it's interesting that we put so
(20:06):
much on ourselves thinking we're the only ones.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah, oh yeah, we did this.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
We like to kind of put a picture to what
we talk about, and we do this.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Well.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
I like to say, when you're in a grocery store
and you're in the line, there's a good chance that
half of the people you're in line with have have
experienced this right, because we say fifty of fifty percent
of the adults, that's adults. We're not even talking about kids,
which that's a whole another statistic. But when I'm in
(20:42):
a grocery store, half of the adults there have been.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Have had one of these traumas. That's a lot.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
That's for millions of people, millions, and we're here thinking
we're the only ones.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
So what would you say to somebody that's watching right now,
that is carrying around that guilt and that shame and
that yeah dirty all over, feeling that they're alone and
somehow they deserved this.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
You tell them you didn't deserve it.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
First of all, it should have never happened to you,
and I'm so sorry it did. I think one of
the things that I try to remind people is.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
If you're out of it, you've been through the worst.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Now it's time to get the freedom that you deserve
from this. And I think it's terrifying to think of
sharing your story, and I know that that's one of
the first steps to becoming free from that trauma. And
you are worth so much more than you went through.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
And it's a process.
Speaker 4 (21:54):
It is, oh, it is a process. It is a process. Yeah,
that doesn't that you can't work through unless you start.
That's and starting is hard. That's one of the biggest
steps is just dipping your toes into healing from your
own past.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
What would you tell somebody or how would you help
somebody form a relationship with someone who has been through
this kind of trauma, because that's also difficult. Relationships are
difficult after something like that.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
Yeah, I think there's for me, even working in this world,
I've come to realize that a lot of how people
treat other people even isn't always personal, that there's something
much deeper going on. And so I think for me,
as I'm going into relationships, I remember I have to
(22:51):
be very patient and I have to listen because there
are usually things that they'll say that if you keep listen,
you can pick up on that they've been through something
really hard and there's probably a reason.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
They're acting the way they're acting.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
Or I mean, for me, for a while, it felt
like my life was just pure chaos. And I'm so
glad that I had friends that stuck with me even
though my life was chaos, because it does get chaotic
for a while, it does get really hard. So I
think if you're trying to support someone that's going through this,
(23:28):
just know there's gonna be there's ups and downs like crazy,
and there are going to be times when it's really
hard and they it's really hard for them just to
do life. You know, we do a podcast it's called
Grace and Grenades, And the reason we started it was
just because when I was going through healing and when Rachel,
(23:48):
my co host, was going through healing, she both of
us felt like it would have been really nice for
somebody just to say this is normal that you don't
want to get out of bed today and don't want
to do your laundry, that you have to parent from
the couch, this is normal.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Because this process takes so much out of you.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
It's one of those things where it's like you build
up these walls and then you're trying to tear them
down and then something happens and it shakes your trust
and you build the walls back up again. Yeah, and
then you try to tear the walls back down. Yeah,
and it's just it is. It's exhausting times, it is.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
And learning how to protect your heart that's a whole,
that's a whole, nother a whole nother healing process. I
feel like where to put the boundaries, how to see
the red flags, how to really stop these unhealthy coping
skills that we all tend to form. And sometimes one
(24:45):
of those is getting into relationships that are similar to
the last right, that abusive cycle. And I think as
we start processing and healing, we kind of start to
see our cycles and go, oh, yeah, that's not healthy.
I really need to change that a little bit and
do that differently. But life is going to be life,
(25:07):
and it's going to hit us and it's going to
continue to.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Hit us hard.
Speaker 4 (25:10):
So I still will be like something will trigger something
and I have to process through it again, or I
have to process through a new memory, because it was
years of different different situations where I found myself in
scary situations that I've blacked out or repressed. And so
(25:31):
the healing process is a long journey and can't be
done all at once.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I do think trauma is one of those things that
things slowly will come out and like you said, out
of nowhere, it just kind of hits you and you've
got to deal with that. And I'm just y, you know,
thinking having the tools to be able to go, Okay,
this is what this is.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Yes, yes, exactly.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
And I think as we start going through our own story,
we're able to go back and go, oh, that's where
this started, that's where this comes from. Somebody saying that then,
and I've carried that through my whole life, or somebody
doing this to me, and I've blocked off, put up
a wall here my whole life, and I Yeah, it's
(26:18):
such a process. It's a good one though it's hard,
and it's sometimes it feels like you're just gonna crumble
in the way of what you're going through.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And sometimes you do, you do, and sometimes you just
do yes. And it's not how many times you fall,
it's how many times you just get back up again.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
And I think that's one of the things that we're
here for, Like, that's what SRT is here for.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
We're here to help you get back up.
Speaker 4 (26:42):
We're here to go with you through the ups and
downs and help you connect dots and start this process
of healing or continue it however wherever you're at in it.
We just knew that well, we know we cannot do
it alone. And I think that's one of the things
I've learned the most out of going through my story
(27:02):
is trying to process it alone was really hard and
it only got me so far. I need other people.
I need other people to support me, to encourage me,
to ask me good questions, to see me when I'm crumbling,
to see me when I'm have things to celebrate.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
I need it all.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
I really need the support. And that's where we come
in for SRT services is we can be that support.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
So there is support out there.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
And I know a lot of people do feel alone
and they don't think that there is anything available for them.
And again the shame keeps sense from even looking. But
there are resources available. Yes, yes, and Amy, before I
let you go, just could you give us some of
those red flags that we should be looking out for
not only ourselves, but for our children.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Yeah. I mean.
Speaker 4 (27:55):
There's so many, and you can probably find quite a
bit even on our own websit. We have some references,
but it really depends on what we're talking about. So
are we talking about relationships or are we talking about
keeping our children safe? Because there's a lot when it
comes to keeping our children as far as even from
internet to and there are some amazing organizations as well
(28:18):
that will help us find and know all these different
red flags for children because we primarily.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Work with adults. Adults, but.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Is the person you're with safe and are they asking
you to do things that you don't feel comfortable with,
and are they saying things like, well, nobody else is
going to love you? Or I know, for me, it
was the person really wanted to quite my own voice,
and so it was a lot of well, you're just
(28:51):
not smart enough to know that, really trying to make
me feel like I was less than like I didn't
have the intelligence to know like they knew so much more,
and that control that ended up happening because of that
for him, he controlled how I dressed, the things I said. Now,
looking back, I have a daughter that's eleven, and if
(29:15):
there was anybody who told her she couldn't dress a
certain way or to speak a certain way, or that
would be a red flag to me of maybe that's
not a safe person to be with.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
I'm trying to think of more red flags.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Oh and it's okay, I kind of put you on
the spot right there. I mean, there are so many,
and it really does depend on whether we're talking about
an adult in a relationship or watching that for your children,
because I know as a mom myself, you know, we
look out for all of the things, but it's easy
to miss sometimes.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Oh it's yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
And that's part of why I just I have a
really hard time like blaming my parents for you know,
the lack of safety just now as a parent, really
I can't always be there, but we can talk to
our children, and I think that's one of the main
things is making sure they know they know, they know
the red flags, they know the science. I mean, we've
(30:11):
heard the big thing right now is sextortion from text
messaging and getting on social media. That's a really that's
something that's happening all over the United States right now
with young kids that.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
I feel like that's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
Yeah, but there are there are definitely places that can
help with helping you find what these red flags are
for our kids and then for us, I think there's.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
There's a lot. It really depends on the world you're in.
Speaker 4 (30:45):
I just I'm doing a group currently, I'm facilitating in
a group, and there's just so many times that I
want to go back into these people's story and rip
like rap apart some people. But just knowing that when
somebody offers you something, there's probably something tied to that
(31:08):
that that you quote unquote will have to owe them.
That's a big one. Is being baited into sexual acts
and then and then being blackmailed for them or that's
that's a big one here everywhere really and if you
(31:28):
don't have any self confidence or worth at that point,
then you just go with it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
And I think really really needing to know where you're.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
Where you're going to draw the lines and really be
be good, be a good boundary setter. And that's something
we also walk through in our groups, is what are
good boundaries? And we do talk about some red flags,
and it's first to each each individual story we're able
to go, okay, do you do see some signs in
your own story that that you.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Could now go back and go, oh, that could.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Have been a red flag, and that could have been
and moving forward, this could be a red flag.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
But I can't come up with any right now for some.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Reason that in particular, I mean this is I mean,
there's so many there are just so many different tentacles
to this subject. And I was alarmed when I looked
at the numbers, and it's heartbreaking. And now when we
introduce social media into all of it, it really does
make things even more complicated. You know, back in my
(32:33):
day was just the parties and the drugs and the
alcohol that kind of complicated things. Now we've got the
parties and the drugs and the alcohol and the social media.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Piece of it. So it's just such a it's such
an open door, it really is. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Well, I thank you so much, Amy for being here
today and being vulnerable enough to talk about your story
because that allows other people to go, Okay, it's not
just me. Yeah, and you're not alone. And SRT does
provide services. We do, and if you need help, reach
(33:11):
out for help.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Yeah. And we provide services real quick for men as well.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Which I do want to change before okay, I was
going to let you go, but before we go, men,
and we talked about it at the very beginning, have
a much more difficult time talking about this and or
even reaching out for help, or even feeling like they
have a valid, you know, fear complaint or.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
Whatever it might be, because it doesn't happen to men, right,
which isn't true. No, it's not true at all.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
And thankfully we were able to provide groups for men
for sexual abuse and assault and past abortion as well,
if they have that in their story.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
And I think, I don't know, it's really hard for
a man.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
To probably I assume to admit when you're supposed to
be the man, right, like you're supposed to have the
strength to you that we look for in men, and
when that is felt like taken away from you, then
you feel like you're fake. Right, this something was taken
(34:21):
from me. I don't even know what a man looks like.
I could imagine that this is some of the things
that they're wrestling through, just like us. If something like me,
my identity was totally put on the line and to
completely confused. I was confused of who I was, and
I would imagine that happens to men too.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, I'm just thinking that conversation, right, they're not going
to believe me.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
This doesn't happen to me men.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
And I've heard that story before from men who have
been abused or assaulted. Yeah, and that's a difficult place
because the man has got this different.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
There's a different stigma around men. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Thank
you so much for Insight, for sharing your story, for
providing a place for people to go to heal. It's
so important. Yes, yes, thank.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
You everybody, and again, if you need help, reach out
for help.
Speaker 3 (35:24):
You deserve it. It's going to be a road, but
you got this.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Go make the rest of your day's the best of
your day.
Hi, I'm Leslie Low.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Leslie's Lowdown on Life.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And welcome everybody to Leslie's Lowdown on Life. I want
to give you a little bit of a trigger warning
here because today we're going to be talking about a
really heavy topic, sexual abuse. Since so if you're not
ready to join us, that's okay. We'll see again next week.
Today I'm joined by Amy Ebat. You're the director or
the community engagement director of SRT. And what SRT provides
(00:42):
is healing services for sexually related trauma, which is again
a pretty deep subject and a really difficult one to
talk about again. SRT deals with trauma dudist sexual abuse,
ISSAUL trauma, DUDA past abortions or trauma DUDA miscarriage and
or still earth. And before we get started, Amy, I
(01:03):
looked up some statistics. One in five women in the
US have experienced rape in their lifetime. Yeah, that was
such a huge number to me. It's just like a
gut punch. And then twenty four just over twenty four
percent of men have experienced some form of contact sexual
violence in their lifetime. And then this was the big one.
(01:24):
Eighty one percent of women and forty three percent of
men have experienced sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime.
Speaker 3 (01:34):
Yeah. Yeah, those are big numbers, huge numbers.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
And we like to say it's fifty percent of all
American adults have experienced one of the three traumas you mentioned,
so in that statistic even gets bigger. And those are
the people that are just saying that they've had something
done to them if you think about it, and a
lot of us, some of us took a long time
(01:59):
to admit that or even ever if.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
We ever do. Yeah, those statistics are massive.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
I think the other thing that really got me was
that I think so often we think of sexual abuse,
we think about females, but it's not just women. It's
men as well, Yes, who are experiencing this sexual fault, assault,
the sexual violence. And I am assuming that it's more
difficult for men to ask for help or reach out
(02:27):
and talk about this.
Speaker 4 (02:28):
Absolutely, and we even find with our groups it's a
little harder to fill our groups.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
Yeah, it is a massive topic and goes deep.
Speaker 4 (02:41):
It does go deep, goes deep and makes it really
hard to I don't know, just for I'm a woman,
so I obviously know the woman's side of it. It's
very hard to admit that something's happened to you. So
speaking of the women's side of it, you've got your
own personal story. So talk to us about your involvement
(03:02):
in SRT. What got you there and what is what
drives you every day when you're showing up for these
men and women. Yeah, so I was what brought me
to SRT. I'll start there and then I can kind
of go back a little bit.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Was I was.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
A mom of three and about to have my fourth
child and through and I started having children very early
twenty one, So I was a baby having babies, and.
Speaker 3 (03:31):
There was a lot of things that were.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Coming up as I was raising my children and emotions
that I just didn't know how to deal with. Anger
was a really big one. I find myself angry at
my own children for no reason, infant and just not
not knowing where this anger was coming from, and I knew.
So my recovery or healing from my trauma really started
(03:57):
with my first child, going what happened This infant just
completely wrecked my quote unquote wrecked my world and just
knowing something something was there, not really knowing what lots
of other things were going on. I was very terrified
to be left home alone, like when my husband had
(04:20):
to go back to work after I had a baby.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
I was terrified. I didn't all of it.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Obviously, being a new mom that's scary, being pregnant, having
a child, all of that was scary.
Speaker 3 (04:31):
But it just felt.
Speaker 4 (04:33):
Overwhelmingly too much. And there came a point I started
working through my story. Someone finally asked me just to
tell my story to them, and for the first time
I was able to say it, and I felt a
sense of relief just in that moment of telling my story,
(04:54):
and that really started this. Oh, this goes much deeper
than just this happened to me. Me and I made
it through it, and it's kind of it was kind
of a wound I would wear proudly in a way. Yeah,
I had been abused, but I came through it. But
I had never dealt dealt with the emotions and the
(05:15):
symptoms really of the trauma until it really was in
my face.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
And so fast forward to baby number four.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I had been dealing with this and again these same
things started coming up. And when I say dealing with this,
I mean I had gone through some counseling and decided
to take a break. It started to relieve. All of
life felt a little easier to handle, and so I
(05:48):
just kind of stepped away from counseling and all the things.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Do you mind if I back up a little bit
for a second and you talk about you wore it proudly?
What did you wear proudly? I think the fact that I.
Speaker 4 (06:03):
Made it through it that I'm on the other side.
So my story was, when I was nine years old,
someone broke into my house who I did not know
and molested me, and then that sent me on a
totally different trajectory of life, I believe than I would
have probably had that not happened. I became very promiscuous,
(06:23):
very curious about something that I really didn't know anything
about but then was introduced to without wanting to be.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
I became very.
Speaker 4 (06:35):
Curious and started sneaking out and just pursuing at a
very young age, relationships and trying to fill this hole
that was taken our I don't know what I felt
was empty, and into high school, I started to at
a very young age. I picked up drugs at thirteen,
(06:57):
and I got in a relationship with a boy that
was eighteen, and then at that point I lost my virginity.
And he was abusive, sexually abusive, mentally abusive, and I
did not know at thirteen how to put a stop
to any of that. And I really thought, well, this
(07:17):
is kind of what I'm worth because what happened to
me really damaged me, and I'm damaged goods And that's
really what I thought that for a very long time.
And as I went through high school, I had some incidences.
I had two different incidentss of date rape freshman year
and junior year. And I think just graduating and moving,
(07:39):
I'm from Montana moving to Spokane, I felt like I
had made it through the war and I got out.
I made it through and none of this was done
by my family, which I sit in the seventeen percent
that doesn't know their abuser.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
I knew the I still.
Speaker 4 (07:56):
Don't know who the date rape was, but I didn't
know the person that broke into my house. Eighty three
percent of people know the purchase is so painful.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
It's all pain, It's all there.
Speaker 4 (08:11):
I mean, they're absolutely but but I can't imagine knowing
the person.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
But I.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
So I came here and just felt like I'm starting
my life. I'm strong. I've been through a lot. I
had been through a lot, because along with that you
lose self worth, you self confidence, and you kind of
let other people control you.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
I was going to say, I would imagine being molested
at the age of nine, not knowing your assaulter, and
then I mean that kind of sets you up. And
tell me if I'm wrong for not knowing how to
set boundaries.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Oh absolutely, I was thinking through that and trying to
think about how to word that, like walls came down
that I didn't know were, you know, I found myself
in positions.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
That were like how did I get here?
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Well, I didn't know how to protect myself, and I
really thought I could. I really thought i'd be I
was in control of me. And that's part of I
think that that we get wrong as we feel like
we're in control of ourselves, but then we still find
ourselves in these positions again and again. And I think
(09:27):
not knowing how to set the boundaries was really it
just made it really hard, well really hard to set
boundaries obviously, right.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Do you feel like because you were attacked your assaultant
in your home, that there wasn't anybody there to protect you.
So do you think maybe in your own mind you
thought oh of THEO I don't.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Deserve to be protected?
Speaker 4 (09:56):
God, oh yeah, there's lots of stuff that goes through
your head. And maybe maybe I wasn't didn't deserve to
be protected, or I'm going to be the only one
that can protect me. I am my protector, right And
when for me, my parents were home, they just slept
through it, and because he was quiet, and he snucked
up the stairs and then they did wake up. He
(10:16):
fell down the stairs as he was leaving, and they
woke up and chased him. But and as a parent,
now I realize I won't always be there for my kids,
Like I cannot be there every moment, and I think
this natural instinct to just protect yourself. I am my
own protector kicked in and I mean my parents didn't.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Know what I was doing. I was sneaking out. After that,
I was got really curious about the world.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
It opened this door of like what else is out
there that I don't know about? And I had to
go find it but wasn't protected in it at all.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
What do you so you talk about the date rape?
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Were those situations that you found yourself in because of
alcohol or drug? Yes?
Speaker 4 (11:08):
Yeah, yeah, so at thirteen, I started smoking pot and
then and continued that all through high school and started drinking,
and that was really what numbed all of it.
Speaker 3 (11:19):
I mean, I still continued to go to school.
Speaker 4 (11:22):
I lived this double life because I really wanted to
be perfect.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
I really wanted to be popular and all the things.
Speaker 4 (11:31):
So I tried really hard to keep that life in check, right, Like,
I went to school, I kept up my grades, I
was a cheerleader. But when all of that was done,
I'd go and I'd do my drugs and I'd go
and drink until really late hours of the night and
on the weekends, that's what I was doing, and going
to parties and finding myself with the wrong person or
(11:55):
people I didn't know. And that's yeah, that's how it happened.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
I just people to like you.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
Yeah, absolutely looking for love and approval the whole time.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Because something was taken.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
At that young age, you feel like like everybody knows really,
and so you have to prove that you're not this,
You're not what they think you are. But then you
still end up being very For me, I ended up
being very promiscuous, and I don't think that would have
happened had I not been molested at nine.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
So when you started to have these feelings, when you
had your children, what started to come up?
Speaker 4 (12:34):
What started to bubble up for you? Fear, A lot
of fear, anxiety, and just not knowing even how to
raise my kids. And that goes into just not feeling
like I was prepared in a lot of ways. I
just ran after high school, and I think for me,
(13:00):
I knew I was a mess. How am I going
to raise these kids? I'm a mess inside? And so
going on my fourth it was like I had been
trying really hard to work on myself, but I could
only do so much, if that makes sense. And then
I had my fourth and more things started coming up. Anxiety,
(13:21):
I started getting panic attacks, which was really abnormal for
me because fear hadn't really been something I would say
I identified with because I lived a really risky line
and like to do some scary things and.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
I but it really did.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
It got so to the point where I felt like
it was suffocating me, the fear, and I couldn't figure
out what I was so terrified of. Well, I'm afraid
to raise my kids in the world that I know
it is of abusers out there.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
That we're not always safe. From or whatever. That's what
I was thinking in the back of my head.
Speaker 4 (13:56):
Somebody finally sat me down and said, hey, have you
ever tried going to a group to talk about it?
I said, I didn't know there were groups like I
know there's AA and I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
I would at that point, I wasn't.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
I had stopped drinking, stopped smoking, I had I married
and actually got into church, and my husband was a pastor,
so my life was very different, but the symptoms were
still there of all of that, no self worth, insecure and.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
A lot of fear. Like I said, so I decided
to go ahead and try this group. It was terrifying.
It was I can.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Imagine the scariest, one of the scariest things that Did
you sit there for a few times and just listen.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Or did you jump right in? I think, well I
jumped right in.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
And part of that is I've been telling my story
for at that point I had been already sharing it
with like youth groups or not in crazy detail, but
just where I had been and where I'd come from.
So it wasn't too hard to share that. But I
had never shared the date rape. Actually I went ahead
(15:08):
and told my story and I said, you know, I
found myself in a bathroom, woke up and didn't know
where I was, and went through my story and they
were the first ones to tell me, you know, that's rape, right,
And I sat there for a while and just, yeah,
I guess it is. I didn't consent. I woke up
(15:30):
with not wanting to be there all of it.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Yeah. Oh, and so that was the first time.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
Actually I didn't like put a name on those in
those incidents.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
And you probably like and just being a female and
kind of relating to some of your story, you push
that stuff down and there's an enormous amount of shahame
that goes a long shame as such. Oh it's so yeah,
everyone's so deep, and it really controls and manipulates how
(16:00):
you think and how you feel and how you blame yourself.
And like you said, they had to tell you that's
that's rape, and you're like, but wait, oh it is.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Yeah, yeah, shame that is.
Speaker 4 (16:16):
I'm so glad you said that, because that is definitely
probably the emotion that I felt the.
Speaker 3 (16:21):
Most was shame and guilt.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
I for some reason thought I was guilty, like I
did something wrong. I even for in high school, it
was well, maybe I dressed wrong, I was in the
wrong environment. I didn't say no, I was drinking. I
had all these excuses of why it was my fault.
So shame and guilt were huge, and I thought everybody knew. Really,
(16:43):
I thought it was like it was just so I
was just so ashamed of who I was and what
had happened to me.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
That is very true.
Speaker 4 (16:51):
And so going into this this group having to tell
everyone what I did, because we do we share our
stories in that group, and it was the first time
I well not the first time, but one of I
had told it my story earlier and someone met me
with just acceptance and non judgment, and I didn't feel
(17:11):
shame in that moment, and in this time being able
to tell people who have very similar stories, there was
no shame in telling them. It was like they just
received my story so well and held it with so
much honor that they cried for me. They felt the
emotions that I had been stuffing down for a really
(17:32):
long time.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
That I was taking shackles off.
Speaker 4 (17:35):
Absolutely, it is, yes, yes, And I sat in the
parking lot for a while to talk myself into go
walking myself in there till finally I did, and honestly,
by the end of those eight weeks, I mean I
work here now, so I loved it. Those women became
my sisters in arms because they've been through the same thing,
(17:57):
very similar things. We related a lot of what they said.
It was like, I have felt that my whole life.
I have felt shame and dirty.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
My whole life. You too, Oh you too? Wow, I'm
not alone? Right, Yeah, it was amazing.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I mean when I listened to you, I'm thinking, it's
like you let all of the that guilt and that
shame just kind of fall away and you start to
figure out who you are again.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
Yes, And that's exactly it.
Speaker 4 (18:27):
I think a sexual abuse and assault for me took
my identity. It totally stole who I was and created
this different, different Amy that wasn't I like to call
her the old Amy. Now that wasn't really me. I
you know I Yeah, you it changes you. But you
(18:49):
build walls.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
Yeah, you create these incredibly strong, tall walls around yourself. Yep,
so that you can keep people out.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Yeah, you make valve.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I will never do that again. I will never be
around this again. I will you.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yeah, you pieces of you Also, it feels like pieces
of you get shut off this. I am quite bubbly
and and I love people, and it got to a
point where I didn't want to be around people, and
I couldn't explain why. It just was I felt like
I was bringing something so shameful and so scary to
(19:27):
the table that most people would think was too much.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Not that I always have to talk about it. I don't.
I don't always, but.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It just felt like it like they knew shame, that
shame that I carry.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, yeah, because it is. It's it's heavy. Shame is
a very heavy thing.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
And you know, just look thinking back to those numbers
that you know, we were talking about about how many
men and women have actually been abused or have you know,
experienced some kind of sexual trauma or assault and whatever
environment it is, then it's interesting that we put so
(20:06):
much on ourselves thinking we're the only ones.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Yeah, oh yeah, we did this.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
We like to kind of put a picture to what
we talk about, and we do this.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Well.
Speaker 4 (20:20):
I like to say, when you're in a grocery store
and you're in the line, there's a good chance that
half of the people you're in line with have have
experienced this right, because we say fifty of fifty percent
of the adults, that's adults. We're not even talking about kids,
which that's a whole another statistic. But when I'm in
(20:42):
a grocery store, half of the adults there have been.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Have had one of these traumas. That's a lot.
Speaker 4 (20:51):
That's for millions of people, millions, and we're here thinking
we're the only ones.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
So what would you say to somebody that's watching right now,
that is carrying around that guilt and that shame and
that yeah dirty all over, feeling that they're alone and
somehow they deserved this.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
You tell them you didn't deserve it.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
First of all, it should have never happened to you,
and I'm so sorry it did. I think one of
the things that I try to remind people is.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
If you're out of it, you've been through the worst.
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Now it's time to get the freedom that you deserve
from this. And I think it's terrifying to think of
sharing your story, and I know that that's one of
the first steps to becoming free from that trauma. And
you are worth so much more than you went through.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
And it's a process.
Speaker 4 (21:54):
It is, oh, it is a process. It is a process. Yeah,
that doesn't that you can't work through unless you start.
That's and starting is hard. That's one of the biggest
steps is just dipping your toes into healing from your
own past.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
What would you tell somebody or how would you help
somebody form a relationship with someone who has been through
this kind of trauma, because that's also difficult. Relationships are
difficult after something like that.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
Yeah, I think there's for me, even working in this world,
I've come to realize that a lot of how people
treat other people even isn't always personal, that there's something
much deeper going on. And so I think for me,
as I'm going into relationships, I remember I have to
(22:51):
be very patient and I have to listen because there
are usually things that they'll say that if you keep listen,
you can pick up on that they've been through something
really hard and there's probably a reason.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
They're acting the way they're acting.
Speaker 4 (23:06):
Or I mean, for me, for a while, it felt
like my life was just pure chaos. And I'm so
glad that I had friends that stuck with me even
though my life was chaos, because it does get chaotic
for a while, it does get really hard. So I
think if you're trying to support someone that's going through this,
(23:28):
just know there's gonna be there's ups and downs like crazy,
and there are going to be times when it's really
hard and they it's really hard for them just to
do life. You know, we do a podcast it's called
Grace and Grenades, And the reason we started it was
just because when I was going through healing and when Rachel,
(23:48):
my co host, was going through healing, she both of
us felt like it would have been really nice for
somebody just to say this is normal that you don't
want to get out of bed today and don't want
to do your laundry, that you have to parent from
the couch, this is normal.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Because this process takes so much out of you.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
It's one of those things where it's like you build
up these walls and then you're trying to tear them
down and then something happens and it shakes your trust
and you build the walls back up again. Yeah, and
then you try to tear the walls back down. Yeah,
and it's just it is. It's exhausting times, it is.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
And learning how to protect your heart that's a whole,
that's a whole, nother a whole nother healing process. I
feel like where to put the boundaries, how to see
the red flags, how to really stop these unhealthy coping
skills that we all tend to form. And sometimes one
(24:45):
of those is getting into relationships that are similar to
the last right, that abusive cycle. And I think as
we start processing and healing, we kind of start to
see our cycles and go, oh, yeah, that's not healthy.
I really need to change that a little bit and
do that differently. But life is going to be life,
(25:07):
and it's going to hit us and it's going to
continue to.
Speaker 3 (25:09):
Hit us hard.
Speaker 4 (25:10):
So I still will be like something will trigger something
and I have to process through it again, or I
have to process through a new memory, because it was
years of different different situations where I found myself in
scary situations that I've blacked out or repressed. And so
(25:31):
the healing process is a long journey and can't be
done all at once.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I do think trauma is one of those things that
things slowly will come out and like you said, out
of nowhere, it just kind of hits you and you've
got to deal with that. And I'm just y, you know,
thinking having the tools to be able to go, Okay,
this is what this is.
Speaker 3 (25:55):
Yes, yes, exactly.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
And I think as we start going through our own story,
we're able to go back and go, oh, that's where
this started, that's where this comes from. Somebody saying that then,
and I've carried that through my whole life, or somebody
doing this to me, and I've blocked off, put up
a wall here my whole life, and I Yeah, it's
(26:18):
such a process. It's a good one though it's hard,
and it's sometimes it feels like you're just gonna crumble
in the way of what you're going through.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
And sometimes you do, you do, and sometimes you just
do yes. And it's not how many times you fall,
it's how many times you just get back up again.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
And I think that's one of the things that we're
here for, Like, that's what SRT is here for.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
We're here to help you get back up.
Speaker 4 (26:42):
We're here to go with you through the ups and
downs and help you connect dots and start this process
of healing or continue it however wherever you're at in it.
We just knew that well, we know we cannot do
it alone. And I think that's one of the things
I've learned the most out of going through my story
(27:02):
is trying to process it alone was really hard and
it only got me so far. I need other people.
I need other people to support me, to encourage me,
to ask me good questions, to see me when I'm crumbling,
to see me when I'm have things to celebrate.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
I need it all.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
I really need the support. And that's where we come
in for SRT services is we can be that support.
Speaker 3 (27:30):
So there is support out there.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
And I know a lot of people do feel alone
and they don't think that there is anything available for them.
And again the shame keeps sense from even looking. But
there are resources available. Yes, yes, and Amy, before I
let you go, just could you give us some of
those red flags that we should be looking out for
not only ourselves, but for our children.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
Yeah. I mean.
Speaker 4 (27:55):
There's so many, and you can probably find quite a
bit even on our own websit. We have some references,
but it really depends on what we're talking about. So
are we talking about relationships or are we talking about
keeping our children safe? Because there's a lot when it
comes to keeping our children as far as even from
internet to and there are some amazing organizations as well
(28:18):
that will help us find and know all these different
red flags for children because we primarily.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Work with adults. Adults, but.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Is the person you're with safe and are they asking
you to do things that you don't feel comfortable with,
and are they saying things like, well, nobody else is
going to love you? Or I know, for me, it
was the person really wanted to quite my own voice,
and so it was a lot of well, you're just
(28:51):
not smart enough to know that, really trying to make
me feel like I was less than like I didn't
have the intelligence to know like they knew so much more,
and that control that ended up happening because of that
for him, he controlled how I dressed, the things I said. Now,
looking back, I have a daughter that's eleven, and if
(29:15):
there was anybody who told her she couldn't dress a
certain way or to speak a certain way, or that
would be a red flag to me of maybe that's
not a safe person to be with.
Speaker 3 (29:28):
I'm trying to think of more red flags.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
Oh and it's okay, I kind of put you on
the spot right there. I mean, there are so many,
and it really does depend on whether we're talking about
an adult in a relationship or watching that for your children,
because I know as a mom myself, you know, we
look out for all of the things, but it's easy
to miss sometimes.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Oh it's yeah, it is.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
And that's part of why I just I have a
really hard time like blaming my parents for you know,
the lack of safety just now as a parent, really
I can't always be there, but we can talk to
our children, and I think that's one of the main
things is making sure they know they know, they know
the red flags, they know the science. I mean, we've
(30:11):
heard the big thing right now is sextortion from text
messaging and getting on social media. That's a really that's
something that's happening all over the United States right now
with young kids that.
Speaker 3 (30:25):
I feel like that's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
Yeah, but there are there are definitely places that can
help with helping you find what these red flags are
for our kids and then for us, I think there's.
Speaker 3 (30:42):
There's a lot. It really depends on the world you're in.
Speaker 4 (30:45):
I just I'm doing a group currently, I'm facilitating in
a group, and there's just so many times that I
want to go back into these people's story and rip
like rap apart some people. But just knowing that when
somebody offers you something, there's probably something tied to that
(31:08):
that that you quote unquote will have to owe them.
That's a big one. Is being baited into sexual acts
and then and then being blackmailed for them or that's
that's a big one here everywhere really and if you
(31:28):
don't have any self confidence or worth at that point,
then you just go with it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
And I think really really needing to know where you're.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
Where you're going to draw the lines and really be
be good, be a good boundary setter. And that's something
we also walk through in our groups, is what are
good boundaries? And we do talk about some red flags,
and it's first to each each individual story we're able
to go, okay, do you do see some signs in
your own story that that you.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Could now go back and go, oh, that could.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
Have been a red flag, and that could have been
and moving forward, this could be a red flag.
Speaker 3 (32:08):
But I can't come up with any right now for some.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
Reason that in particular, I mean this is I mean,
there's so many there are just so many different tentacles
to this subject. And I was alarmed when I looked
at the numbers, and it's heartbreaking. And now when we
introduce social media into all of it, it really does
make things even more complicated. You know, back in my
(32:33):
day was just the parties and the drugs and the
alcohol that kind of complicated things. Now we've got the
parties and the drugs and the alcohol and the social media.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Piece of it. So it's just such a it's such
an open door, it really is. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Well, I thank you so much, Amy for being here
today and being vulnerable enough to talk about your story
because that allows other people to go, Okay, it's not
just me. Yeah, and you're not alone. And SRT does
provide services. We do, and if you need help, reach
(33:11):
out for help.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Yeah. And we provide services real quick for men as well.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Which I do want to change before okay, I was
going to let you go, but before we go, men,
and we talked about it at the very beginning, have
a much more difficult time talking about this and or
even reaching out for help, or even feeling like they
have a valid, you know, fear complaint or.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
Whatever it might be, because it doesn't happen to men, right,
which isn't true. No, it's not true at all.
Speaker 4 (33:43):
And thankfully we were able to provide groups for men
for sexual abuse and assault and past abortion as well,
if they have that in their story.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
And I think, I don't know, it's really hard for
a man.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
To probably I assume to admit when you're supposed to
be the man, right, like you're supposed to have the
strength to you that we look for in men, and
when that is felt like taken away from you, then
you feel like you're fake. Right, this something was taken
(34:21):
from me. I don't even know what a man looks like.
I could imagine that this is some of the things
that they're wrestling through, just like us. If something like me,
my identity was totally put on the line and to
completely confused. I was confused of who I was, and
I would imagine that happens to men too.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, I'm just thinking that conversation, right, they're not going
to believe me.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
This doesn't happen to me men.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
And I've heard that story before from men who have
been abused or assaulted. Yeah, and that's a difficult place
because the man has got this different.
Speaker 3 (35:02):
There's a different stigma around men. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Thank
you so much for Insight, for sharing your story, for
providing a place for people to go to heal. It's
so important. Yes, yes, thank.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
You everybody, and again, if you need help, reach out
for help.
Speaker 3 (35:24):
You deserve it. It's going to be a road, but
you got this.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Go make the rest of your day's the best of
your day.
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