June 15, 2024 • 13 mins
If you can't look inside you and find out "who am I to be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty?"
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Hey y'all, Hey y'all, Heyy'all. How y'all doing it? Y'all?
Good? You ache today? Good? I haven't, but that's because
I just woke up. Anyhow,Welcome back to the Life of Flecks,
and I hope you already know it'syour girl, big flicks like the AnyWho,
How y'all been besties? Like I'mglad you came back to listen to
(00:29):
you had another episode? And todayI have something I want to talk about,
my self confident, because it's somethingI've worked on and battled with most
of my life. And I willtell y'all from most of my I felt
ugly, in fact, like thosetwo were constantly on my back, right
(00:49):
Like I didn't like the way myface looked. I didn't like the way
my skin looked. I didn't likethe way my stomach looked, my thighs,
and for the majority of my lifeI had big boobs, so it
always made me look bigger than whatI was, and I was just disrespect
of full. Okay, and theolder I got, I guess the worst
(01:14):
the self confidence issue became because atthat point, you know, there's people
being like, well, people weregoing through puberty and they were looking better
even if they had a face fullof pimples. Right, Guys didn't go
for the big girls. Guys didn'tgo for the ugly girls unless they had
self confidence issues as well. That'show I felt, right, So every
(01:36):
time I got a boyfriend growing up, I was just always super self conscious,
like are you with me? Becausenobody else wanted to be with you?
Like what are we doing here?And I don't know. It's just
something I dealt for most of mylife. And I will say like around
middle school, I started wearing myhair straight, and that was a game
(01:59):
changer for me. But also itwas a game changing for my hair because
I have longer hair, not longlong, but long enough. And then
I was straightening it and straightening it. And for one thing, I'm black.
Okay, straight hair don't last long. Okay, you gotta wash your
hair eventually, and then that meansyou have to repeat the process of straightening
(02:20):
your hair again, and you knowthe works. And so I kept doing
that and doing that without the educationof how to take care of my hair,
and I was just frying my hairoff. That and a couple of
bad perbs. Hair started breaking offin middle school and I ended up getting
a haircut, and I don't knowwhy, I totally so first off,
first and foremost, I went intoa Walmart Walmart I had never been to
(02:44):
before and got a haircut, andshe gave me the book of like different
haircuts and they're mainly white women.So I was like, give it to
pair as Hilton, that's what Iwant, and she gave it to me,
that's for sure. But I didn'tlike it. I felt super super
super ugly, super ugly, andthat affected me a lot, like I
(03:04):
can't even put into words how muchit affected me. But growing up I
realized that, you know, Iam not my hair, Like thank you
India, I'll read for making thatsong. But as much as I wanted
it to grow and do different thingswith my hair, like at one point
I wanted to scrunch my hair.I wanted it to be like wavy,
(03:25):
even though I had a perm Andlet me tell you, I was walking
around school looking like Michael Jackson andone day I flowed with it and put
on a door like what the what? I don't know. High school me
was very very very strange, likeI should have done that strange stuff in
middle school. But though high schoolwas my time to be strange. Okay,
(03:46):
I went to school a couple oftimes stressed as Michael Jackson, just
for fun, just for fun.Anyhow, I always felt that I was,
you know, one of the uglygirls, one of the big girls,
even though kind of was kind ofwasn't like I was in an awkward
weight range of am I pus sizedor am I not? And most of
all life before like my breast reduction, my boobs made me look bigger than
(04:11):
what I was, so people thoughtI was in a plus size range.
But when I got my breast reduction, they're like, oh, okay,
you're a large, extra large.Maybe that's a stretch for the extra large.
And I will never forget this.Right, So, after I got
my breast reduction, and I waswearing the same outfit I used to wear
(04:32):
to school all the time, whichwas some red skinny jean, a white
tank top and a little sweater togo on top of it and maybe a
shirt belt to go around the waysto you know, sench me in,
you know, And I guess Ididn't sench myself in that day. And
this girl came up to me andshe was like, oh, my Hoss
Muriel, I didn't know you hada stomach, and I was like,
(04:54):
oh, okay, let me suckit in there. And at one point
in my life, I was suckingin my stomach a lot, and because
I guess I didn't want people tothink I was fat, even though I
mean if they had eyes stake oftea. And I was at my Auntie's
house and I was very just superself conscious. So I was sucking in
(05:15):
my stomach. Every time it wouldfall out, I was suck it back
in. And one of my cousinscalled me out on that. She was
like, you don't miss a beat. Every time your stomach go out,
you suck it back in. AndI was like, first of all,
why are you watching me? It'sclose, right, it's room full of
people. Don't watch me that close. Second of all, I mean,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry anyho.So when I got to college, I
(05:35):
was like, you know what,I got a brand new pair of titties,
brand new attitude because I made itthis far and I got myself here.
Ain't nothing Finn stop my show,okay. And plus I was feeling
a little, you know, betterabout my self conscious after I turned eighteen,
like between seventeen and eighteen, Iwas, you know, feeling a
little better about myself than eighteen.Like I said, I had a brand
(05:57):
new pair of titties. It's downto party, okay, blump anything else.
So when I got to college,I was partying like nobody cared if
you're ugly or not. But thenI surfaced a new self consciousness of not
having a butt. Like my friendshad big booties, the girls had the
parties had big booties, and hereI am walking around with a pancake attached
(06:20):
to my back. It was nerveracking, you hear me, And I'm
like, there's no amount of squatsthat I can do in a day that's
gonna give me a dump truck tomorrow. Okay. So I just say,
you know what, I'm gonna stickwith my little booty, stick with my
flapjacks in the back, and I'mstill gonna live, okay. But it
(06:41):
was always in the back of myhead that you know, them girls got
bigger booties than you. But whatdid bell Bill Devosa? Never trust,
never trust a big button in asmile? Yeah, so what now?
I ain't hating on the big bootygirls because I'm looking to. But back
to what I was saying, Istruggled with how I looked. Stomach never
(07:02):
went away, okay, and neverwent away even when like last year was
the smallest I had been since probablymiddle school, Like I was smaller than
my high school weight, I stillhad a stomach like I still had the
suckond in And I was like,I guess I just let that go because
I was like, ooh, Ilook too good. Okay, this this
(07:25):
would cause a riot for me tojust continue to look this good. And
then I was just eating and eatingand eating. And y'all know them honey
buns. Yeah, I was eatingand eating and eating them, like those
were my after school snack when Iwas a kid at one point. So
okay, back to the self consciousof me growing up, right, So
(07:46):
my weight was directly affected by whatI ate, But I didn't know that
then. So when I was gettinghome from school and eating two honey buns,
all right, I wasn't paying attentionto two plus two weeks four okay,
and I was gonna have more stomach. But now that I'm older and
I'm looking back at my old pattern, It's like there was no way I
should have been eating frieday Oreos everyday after school. There was no way
(08:09):
I should have had a plate fullof doritos, a half a can of
hormial chili on top, and cheesesprinkled for razzle dazzle as my afternoon snack.
Okay, that's a dinner, youknow what I'm saying, Like,
that's a whole meal. I wasgetting home from school and eating a good
twelve pizza rolls, okay, amicrowavable dinner right like the Southbury steak with
(08:35):
the mashed potatoes cold in the middle. That was my snack. Okay,
And I told a brownie up pointplank period. So now that I'm older
and I'm realizing, like, oh, that's why I could never get what
I wanted then because I didn't understandthat. Now that I understand now,
I still want me a Honeybun.I can't lie to you. I want
(08:56):
a Honeyboy. I want Friday ornot too much, like maybe one or
two. That's all I can handle. But you know, I had to
realize what I was eating was directlyaffecting my weight, right and skin.
Let's not well, let's get intoit, Okay. So for most of
my life, people were telling meI was light skin, but I didn't
(09:20):
feel like skin right, because ifwe gonna if we're gonna talk about it,
let's talk about it. The lightskin girls were automatically considered pretty because
they were light skin, or that'show I saw it, and so I
was like, well, nobody's callingme pretty. I'm not light enough.
And at some point I was justlike scrapping my skin a little extra hard
(09:41):
trying to buy a light skin makeupbecause at the regular Degglar Dollar General,
Family Dollar, they sold you know, foundations for lighter skinned people. And
I lived in a country where wedidn't have access to Walmart, Saphora,
or to that was the thirty fortyfive minute try. Okay, So when
I'm at Dollar General and I wantedto start, you know, experimenting with
(10:05):
makeup, I was getting the lightershades and it was not looking good for
me. So I was beating myselfup because I'm like, why isn't why
aren't these shades looking good on me? You know what I'm saying, Like,
I didn't understand why my makeup didn'tlook like the girls in the YouTube
videos because I was watching the YouTubevideos to figure out how to do my
(10:26):
makeup. But at that time itwas mainly like white girls that were posting
makeup videos, and I guess bylike my junior senior year of high school,
that's when more you know, colorgot in a mix and I was
able to learn a think or dothat actually benefited me. And so like
if you saw pictures of me fromI want to say, tenth grade and
(10:48):
then eleventh grade, it's a hugedifference because I actually learning or do and
apply that learning to my life.And now I barely even wear makeup.
Like I used to go to school. I used to get up at five
and more do a full face andmakeup, showered straight, my hair,
full face and makeup. Probably theonly thing I didn't do before I left
the house was my mask here becauseI was gonna wait till I got to
(11:09):
school to do that so everybody couldwatch me do it. But yeah,
I had on a fit you hearme, like head to toe. I
was done up, and I stilldidn't feel my best, Like, I
still felt ugly, I still feltfat, I still felt this, that
and the third. So as Igot older, you know, went to
(11:31):
college, had fun despite whether Ifelt bad about myself. And then I
got out of it like that partyingand not caring stage, and then I
went, I guess the pandemic.Just struck a sit down and look at
yourself real good and me. Andonce I did that, I was like,
oh, I put on a lotof weight. I need to,
(11:54):
you know, reconsider my choices anddo a little better about that. But
I didn't really make any real chances, Like at that point, I was
cooking for myself and I didn't understandthat, you know, you don't need
to put half of a stick ofbutter in your food, Like there's I
can't believe it's not butter for areason, Like there are options and steps
(12:16):
to take to watch your weight andcook healthier and be more informed of what
you're cooking, but it takes practice, It takes dedication, commitment, Like
you have to sit there and lookat the nutrition labels before you buy something,
like what are the ingredients in this? If you keep hearing me hit
something, it's because I am hittingsomething on accident. But yeah, so
(12:41):
where am I at on that now? Don't know? Like I love myself,
I see where I can improve,but I don't approve me not trying
to improve myself because whatever I want, I'm in my right mind to get
right. So if I want aslimmer body, I have to do what
it takes to get us onmer body, and I have to commit to that.
(13:03):
I have to not let anything stopme from my goal, and that
could apply to anything in life,Like I can't let myself get in the
way of getting what I want formyself because my tendency are to be lazy
and just dream about, you know, a flat stomach, when I could
actually be doing what I need todo to get that, like do a
(13:26):
couple of crunches to more than acouple. But anyhow, that's all I
want to talk about today, love, piece of chen, grease, And
like I always say, please pleasedon't go fucking up, nobody say because
it ain't cool, it ain't keeppraying, and they might just minke you
back. Okay, Bye,
Hey y'all, Hey y'all, Heyy'all. How y'all doing it? Y'all?
Good? You ache today? Good? I haven't, but that's because
I just woke up. Anyhow,Welcome back to the Life of Flecks,
and I hope you already know it'syour girl, big flicks like the AnyWho,
How y'all been besties? Like I'mglad you came back to listen to
(00:29):
you had another episode? And todayI have something I want to talk about,
my self confident, because it's somethingI've worked on and battled with most
of my life. And I willtell y'all from most of my I felt
ugly, in fact, like thosetwo were constantly on my back, right
(00:49):
Like I didn't like the way myface looked. I didn't like the way
my skin looked. I didn't likethe way my stomach looked, my thighs,
and for the majority of my lifeI had big boobs, so it
always made me look bigger than whatI was, and I was just disrespect
of full. Okay, and theolder I got, I guess the worst
(01:14):
the self confidence issue became because atthat point, you know, there's people
being like, well, people weregoing through puberty and they were looking better
even if they had a face fullof pimples. Right, Guys didn't go
for the big girls. Guys didn'tgo for the ugly girls unless they had
self confidence issues as well. That'show I felt, right, So every
(01:36):
time I got a boyfriend growing up, I was just always super self conscious,
like are you with me? Becausenobody else wanted to be with you?
Like what are we doing here?And I don't know. It's just
something I dealt for most of mylife. And I will say like around
middle school, I started wearing myhair straight, and that was a game
(01:59):
changer for me. But also itwas a game changing for my hair because
I have longer hair, not longlong, but long enough. And then
I was straightening it and straightening it. And for one thing, I'm black.
Okay, straight hair don't last long. Okay, you gotta wash your
hair eventually, and then that meansyou have to repeat the process of straightening
(02:20):
your hair again, and you knowthe works. And so I kept doing
that and doing that without the educationof how to take care of my hair,
and I was just frying my hairoff. That and a couple of
bad perbs. Hair started breaking offin middle school and I ended up getting
a haircut, and I don't knowwhy, I totally so first off,
first and foremost, I went intoa Walmart Walmart I had never been to
(02:44):
before and got a haircut, andshe gave me the book of like different
haircuts and they're mainly white women.So I was like, give it to
pair as Hilton, that's what Iwant, and she gave it to me,
that's for sure. But I didn'tlike it. I felt super super
super ugly, super ugly, andthat affected me a lot, like I
(03:04):
can't even put into words how muchit affected me. But growing up I
realized that, you know, Iam not my hair, Like thank you
India, I'll read for making thatsong. But as much as I wanted
it to grow and do different thingswith my hair, like at one point
I wanted to scrunch my hair.I wanted it to be like wavy,
(03:25):
even though I had a perm Andlet me tell you, I was walking
around school looking like Michael Jackson andone day I flowed with it and put
on a door like what the what? I don't know. High school me
was very very very strange, likeI should have done that strange stuff in
middle school. But though high schoolwas my time to be strange. Okay,
(03:46):
I went to school a couple oftimes stressed as Michael Jackson, just
for fun, just for fun.Anyhow, I always felt that I was,
you know, one of the uglygirls, one of the big girls,
even though kind of was kind ofwasn't like I was in an awkward
weight range of am I pus sizedor am I not? And most of
all life before like my breast reduction, my boobs made me look bigger than
(04:11):
what I was, so people thoughtI was in a plus size range.
But when I got my breast reduction, they're like, oh, okay,
you're a large, extra large.Maybe that's a stretch for the extra large.
And I will never forget this.Right, So, after I got
my breast reduction, and I waswearing the same outfit I used to wear
(04:32):
to school all the time, whichwas some red skinny jean, a white
tank top and a little sweater togo on top of it and maybe a
shirt belt to go around the waysto you know, sench me in,
you know, And I guess Ididn't sench myself in that day. And
this girl came up to me andshe was like, oh, my Hoss
Muriel, I didn't know you hada stomach, and I was like,
(04:54):
oh, okay, let me suckit in there. And at one point
in my life, I was suckingin my stomach a lot, and because
I guess I didn't want people tothink I was fat, even though I
mean if they had eyes stake oftea. And I was at my Auntie's
house and I was very just superself conscious. So I was sucking in
(05:15):
my stomach. Every time it wouldfall out, I was suck it back
in. And one of my cousinscalled me out on that. She was
like, you don't miss a beat. Every time your stomach go out,
you suck it back in. AndI was like, first of all,
why are you watching me? It'sclose, right, it's room full of
people. Don't watch me that close. Second of all, I mean,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry anyho.So when I got to college, I
(05:35):
was like, you know what,I got a brand new pair of titties,
brand new attitude because I made itthis far and I got myself here.
Ain't nothing Finn stop my show,okay. And plus I was feeling
a little, you know, betterabout my self conscious after I turned eighteen,
like between seventeen and eighteen, Iwas, you know, feeling a
little better about myself than eighteen.Like I said, I had a brand
(05:57):
new pair of titties. It's downto party, okay, blump anything else.
So when I got to college,I was partying like nobody cared if
you're ugly or not. But thenI surfaced a new self consciousness of not
having a butt. Like my friendshad big booties, the girls had the
parties had big booties, and hereI am walking around with a pancake attached
(06:20):
to my back. It was nerveracking, you hear me, And I'm
like, there's no amount of squatsthat I can do in a day that's
gonna give me a dump truck tomorrow. Okay. So I just say,
you know what, I'm gonna stickwith my little booty, stick with my
flapjacks in the back, and I'mstill gonna live, okay. But it
(06:41):
was always in the back of myhead that you know, them girls got
bigger booties than you. But whatdid bell Bill Devosa? Never trust,
never trust a big button in asmile? Yeah, so what now?
I ain't hating on the big bootygirls because I'm looking to. But back
to what I was saying, Istruggled with how I looked. Stomach never
(07:02):
went away, okay, and neverwent away even when like last year was
the smallest I had been since probablymiddle school, Like I was smaller than
my high school weight, I stillhad a stomach like I still had the
suckond in And I was like,I guess I just let that go because
I was like, ooh, Ilook too good. Okay, this this
(07:25):
would cause a riot for me tojust continue to look this good. And
then I was just eating and eatingand eating. And y'all know them honey
buns. Yeah, I was eatingand eating and eating them, like those
were my after school snack when Iwas a kid at one point. So
okay, back to the self consciousof me growing up, right, So
(07:46):
my weight was directly affected by whatI ate, But I didn't know that
then. So when I was gettinghome from school and eating two honey buns,
all right, I wasn't paying attentionto two plus two weeks four okay,
and I was gonna have more stomach. But now that I'm older and
I'm looking back at my old pattern, It's like there was no way I
should have been eating frieday Oreos everyday after school. There was no way
(08:09):
I should have had a plate fullof doritos, a half a can of
hormial chili on top, and cheesesprinkled for razzle dazzle as my afternoon snack.
Okay, that's a dinner, youknow what I'm saying, Like,
that's a whole meal. I wasgetting home from school and eating a good
twelve pizza rolls, okay, amicrowavable dinner right like the Southbury steak with
(08:35):
the mashed potatoes cold in the middle. That was my snack. Okay,
And I told a brownie up pointplank period. So now that I'm older
and I'm realizing, like, oh, that's why I could never get what
I wanted then because I didn't understandthat. Now that I understand now,
I still want me a Honeybun.I can't lie to you. I want
(08:56):
a Honeyboy. I want Friday ornot too much, like maybe one or
two. That's all I can handle. But you know, I had to
realize what I was eating was directlyaffecting my weight, right and skin.
Let's not well, let's get intoit, Okay. So for most of
my life, people were telling meI was light skin, but I didn't
(09:20):
feel like skin right, because ifwe gonna if we're gonna talk about it,
let's talk about it. The lightskin girls were automatically considered pretty because
they were light skin, or that'show I saw it, and so I
was like, well, nobody's callingme pretty. I'm not light enough.
And at some point I was justlike scrapping my skin a little extra hard
(09:41):
trying to buy a light skin makeupbecause at the regular Degglar Dollar General,
Family Dollar, they sold you know, foundations for lighter skinned people. And
I lived in a country where wedidn't have access to Walmart, Saphora,
or to that was the thirty fortyfive minute try. Okay, So when
I'm at Dollar General and I wantedto start, you know, experimenting with
(10:05):
makeup, I was getting the lightershades and it was not looking good for
me. So I was beating myselfup because I'm like, why isn't why
aren't these shades looking good on me? You know what I'm saying, Like,
I didn't understand why my makeup didn'tlook like the girls in the YouTube
videos because I was watching the YouTubevideos to figure out how to do my
(10:26):
makeup. But at that time itwas mainly like white girls that were posting
makeup videos, and I guess bylike my junior senior year of high school,
that's when more you know, colorgot in a mix and I was
able to learn a think or dothat actually benefited me. And so like
if you saw pictures of me fromI want to say, tenth grade and
(10:48):
then eleventh grade, it's a hugedifference because I actually learning or do and
apply that learning to my life.And now I barely even wear makeup.
Like I used to go to school. I used to get up at five
and more do a full face andmakeup, showered straight, my hair,
full face and makeup. Probably theonly thing I didn't do before I left
the house was my mask here becauseI was gonna wait till I got to
(11:09):
school to do that so everybody couldwatch me do it. But yeah,
I had on a fit you hearme, like head to toe. I
was done up, and I stilldidn't feel my best, Like, I
still felt ugly, I still feltfat, I still felt this, that
and the third. So as Igot older, you know, went to
(11:31):
college, had fun despite whether Ifelt bad about myself. And then I
got out of it like that partyingand not caring stage, and then I
went, I guess the pandemic.Just struck a sit down and look at
yourself real good and me. Andonce I did that, I was like,
oh, I put on a lotof weight. I need to,
(11:54):
you know, reconsider my choices anddo a little better about that. But
I didn't really make any real chances, Like at that point, I was
cooking for myself and I didn't understandthat, you know, you don't need
to put half of a stick ofbutter in your food, Like there's I
can't believe it's not butter for areason, Like there are options and steps
(12:16):
to take to watch your weight andcook healthier and be more informed of what
you're cooking, but it takes practice, It takes dedication, commitment, Like
you have to sit there and lookat the nutrition labels before you buy something,
like what are the ingredients in this? If you keep hearing me hit
something, it's because I am hittingsomething on accident. But yeah, so
(12:41):
where am I at on that now? Don't know? Like I love myself,
I see where I can improve,but I don't approve me not trying
to improve myself because whatever I want, I'm in my right mind to get
right. So if I want aslimmer body, I have to do what
it takes to get us onmer body, and I have to commit to that.
(13:03):
I have to not let anything stopme from my goal, and that
could apply to anything in life,Like I can't let myself get in the
way of getting what I want formyself because my tendency are to be lazy
and just dream about, you know, a flat stomach, when I could
actually be doing what I need todo to get that, like do a
(13:26):
couple of crunches to more than acouple. But anyhow, that's all I
want to talk about today, love, piece of chen, grease, And
like I always say, please pleasedon't go fucking up, nobody say because
it ain't cool, it ain't keeppraying, and they might just minke you
back. Okay, Bye,
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