July 21, 2025 • 38 mins
Phillip Quinones shares the profound impact of his mother Lydia's sacrifices, revealing how her pursuit of education and unconditional love built the foundation for his resilience.
In this powerful episode, Phillip and Dr. Ro challenge stereotypes about single parenting while exploring the complexities of building resilience in romantic relationships.
They discuss:
- The true nature of resilience through life's challenges
- Setting healthy boundaries in relationships
- Breaking free from destructive relationship patterns
- The importance of accountability in personal growth
- Embracing discomfort for meaningful transformation
Phillip's story beautifully illustrates how past experiences, both challenging and inspiring, can shape our approach to love, life, and personal development. His insights offer a refreshing perspective on the journey from contemplation to action in creating lasting change.
Ready to transform your perspective on resilience and personal growth? Listen to this compelling episode of Lifejacked that might just change how you view your own journey of transformation.
In this powerful episode, Phillip and Dr. Ro challenge stereotypes about single parenting while exploring the complexities of building resilience in romantic relationships.
They discuss:
- The true nature of resilience through life's challenges
- Setting healthy boundaries in relationships
- Breaking free from destructive relationship patterns
- The importance of accountability in personal growth
- Embracing discomfort for meaningful transformation
Phillip's story beautifully illustrates how past experiences, both challenging and inspiring, can shape our approach to love, life, and personal development. His insights offer a refreshing perspective on the journey from contemplation to action in creating lasting change.
Ready to transform your perspective on resilience and personal growth? Listen to this compelling episode of Lifejacked that might just change how you view your own journey of transformation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What do you do when life's romantic entanglement leave you undone,
challenging your sense of identity and resilience. On this episode
of Life Tack the Resilience Podcast, I have a special guest,
Philip Koniz, whose journey through personal setbacks has set an
inspiring example for all who struggle with life's unpredictable relationships.
(00:25):
Raised by his devoted and selfless mother Lydia, Philip embarks
on a path molded by sacrifice and strength. He holds
a bachelor's degree in psychology from Georgia State University and
a master's in Clinical Counseling Psychology from Renault University. Philip
(00:45):
is not only a therapist, but also the visionary behind
PQ Coaching and Consulting, where he supports individuals and couples
in their personal and relational growth. Listen and enjoy as
Philip shares his story, which is one of great hoping
and self discovery.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Sometimes life gives us lemons, sometimes it gives us lemonade.
Other times it gives us something entirely out of left
field that makes us say w t F. But no
matter what obstacles come, there is most often a way
out on the other side.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
And we are once again victorious.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
My name is.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Doctor Roy and you are listening to my podcast about resilience.
Every guest shares a tragedy to triumph story to give
listeners like you the inspiration to push through every single day.
Listen now as my next guest shares how they were
(01:57):
like jacked.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Hi Philip, welcome. Thank you for treving me a guest
on the show. How are you grab.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Me, doctor Rowe. I'm doing really great with an amazing
introduction as you gave me. So I'm ready to add
some vald into your podcast and add some value to
your audience. So I'm excited for this.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Awesome and yes, I think it's going to be a
great conversation. So again, thank you for joining us. And
let's start with your foundational years, right, So for those
that do not know you, how does your mother sacrifice
this shape your perspective on resilience and personal growth?
Speaker 4 (02:32):
So I do come from a single mom. I had
an older mom growing up. So my mom had me
around thirty six thirty seven, and so there was a
difference in being brought up and being raised and with
her accomplishing getting her high school diploma in the US
Virgin Islands to then come into the United States in
(02:52):
order to get her undergraduate degree, her bachelor's at Very College,
and then pursuing another degree, getting her her master's at
Georgia State University. They really shaded just a mother taking
full advantage of her brilliance of being an educated person,
pursuing that to the second most highest degree that you
(03:13):
possibly can in academic performance, and then knowing that she
wanted to have me and she wanted to provide for me.
There was no unlike there's no doubt that I had
experience unconditioned above with a person, and that just comes
with somebody deciding that something is bigger than themselves. It
(03:37):
didn't matter how tired she was. I remember growing up
she was working two jobs that she never complained about.
It was in education, so she's been in education for
thirty years and different facets. But it was always fun
to be on me on a campus or at an
office because her bosses enjoyed me. We always did sports
(03:57):
and hunger out of the park. Always treated meaning life
a prince. She has shown me what unconditional love looks like,
and she has never, even in my interpretation of looking back,
has never complained about anything from anything physical to financial
situations to just complaining about life in general. She has
(04:20):
only showed me the positives of life. She has shown
me what sacrifice is. She has shown me what work
ethic is and to do that in service of another
human being. And that experience not only because I'm her
a child, but I noticed that in different factories of
her life too, being a friend, being a coworker. She
also teaches my high school, so seeing that with her students,
(04:43):
she just does that in many different factories of her life.
And so that is just shown how much she has
been dedicated to people. And I'm glad that I've gotten
most of that in my experience so far with her,
since I've been here.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Well, Philip, I loved her stories like that because I'm
also a single mom and I have three sons, and
you know, there's probably the stigma that's tied to a
single parent raising you know, male children or raising young men.
But it sounds like just your mom has she fought
against that stereotype that you know, oh, that women cannot
(05:18):
raise men, and it's that stereotypical a mother can't lay
the law down and can't have boundaries and all of that,
because of course you know that's out there, but I
always feel like, no, we can provide both sides to
our sons, and we can provide the structure and guidance
and also be emotional caring aspects as well. Not saying
(05:39):
that not having a father in their lives and in
course in or a father figure is not important. But
you're showing that through your your mother's work, that it
is possible to raise a young man and he be
a productive citizen in this society. So that's awesome, absolutely
all right. So now here we go so personal romantic relationships, right,
(06:05):
So clearly it is a challenging entity, and we know
this from all of the thousands of dating coaches on
Facebook and YouTube all of that, right, right, But and
of course you've gone through your own trials and tribulations
when it comes to.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Dating, so have I for sure, for sure there.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Right, But for you, what do you think was the
pivotal moment when you realize that certain setback? We're testing
your resilience when it came to relationships.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
When it comes to resilience, even when I'm working with
clients in a theopeutic perspective or coaching and consulting perspective.
The resilience doesn't happen until you get through what you
are going through. It's more of a reflection of the
circumstances and choices act, whether those are choices that you
(07:02):
have to take accountability for or those are circumstances that
are bestowed upon you. The resilience is coming to after
that effect, So yeah, you're getting through it. Whatever circumstances
may be, may be positive and maybe negative. But what
I have personally experienced when it comes to my resilience
(07:26):
is that I can look back and think of myself
very objectively. I can look at myself and say, okay,
if we were to make a list about how Philip
experienced this type of relationship, especially romantically, what things did
he like, and what things did he do really well?
And what things could he improve on that he did
(07:47):
not like that he experienced, And when you take your
own personal feeline out of it, you look at it
from an outside perspective, almost kind of like looking down
at resolve. You look and say, okay, I said, not
a chain used anything that I was supposed to experience,
And I know those things more painful when they were
I know those things maybe some of those things should
(08:08):
or should not have happened, but they happened, and so
now that I look at it, I can say, Okay,
I'm a better man for this, I'm a better person
for this. I've been on the right side of being
in an abusive relationship or experiencing a person that was
not meant for me. I've been on that side, and
I've done that from a non malicious standpoint to other women,
(08:31):
which I've reflected on myself and say I didn't want
to do that either. So it's all about looking at
yourself from an objective perspective, taking what you can take
from that relationship that you may have, and saying, how
can I grow from this? And it takes accountability. It
takes to being very honest with yourself and being real
about things that were caused to you, but also what
(08:53):
you cause to people. And then you build your resilience
based on that to have better boundaries, to have better
does adults that you want to have wing forward, and
then also picture the areas that you're going to continuously
grow in. I as to have this time on this earth,
and it's going to be imperfect. But when you reflect
(09:15):
on yourself and see where you come from. You can
sit there and go this is where I want to
go in that direction. So that's where I kind of
look at testing my resilience when I've been in those
romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Now, one thing I know about humans is it's human
nature to do what is comfortable, right, what we are
comfortable with. We don't want to step outside of our
comfort zone. And a lot of times it seems that
when we run into trouble with romantic relationships, it's because
we continuously pick a certain type of person that most
(09:48):
times is not good for us, right, And that's on
either side, or we have certain habits and behaviors that
are not good for other people. And so within that,
what do you think that people can do to fight
against that routine or that habit of either picking the
same type of personality type or same type of person
(10:11):
or you know, falling into the same habits as they're
going out and dating someone and then they find themselves
doing that those same things that kind of sabotage the
relationship before.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Absolutely, that's a great question. What comes off the top
of my head with that is you have to take accountability.
You are not in a place any more in your
adult life and where you don't have made for you,
you may need decisions. And yes, some of them may
(10:43):
be unconscious. Yes, we're moved and we think that we're
in control of our conscious to an extent. Yeah, we're
better than any other type of mammal out there. I mean,
we're granted the ability to be conscious, but we are
very much moved by our unconscious. And but would that
being said, and you have so much history and experience
(11:03):
doing the same thing over and over again, it becomes
a choice and you have to look in the mirror
a man or woman and say, no, I keep choosing
this type of behavior. It's not a person. It's not
x first name and ex wildlife name as the person.
It's not the man in your city. It's not the
(11:24):
woman with a certain time of degree. It's not a
certain height, it's not a certain race. It is your
choices that you have to be accountable forre that you
keep experiences. Now, with that being said, once you're able
to say I want to make a change. Like you said,
(11:44):
change is extremely uncomfortable. That's literally my job, if I
were to summarize it in one sentence, My job as
a therapist and coach is to process change because change
is so uncomfortable. But with my type of approach, I
do make you accountable for your choices. That is a
(12:05):
part of it. Now going forward, I can say, okay,
now that you are accountable for this and you want
to move forward, what do we have to implement in
order for you to change for the better of yourself
and for other people? Because sometimes the problem was you.
Sometimes the problem was your choice of how you interacted
(12:29):
with that person. And if you don't have somebody or
have an environment that makes you accountable for those interactions,
you never have to change. If you're the one always
blaming other people, or you're the one always leaving or
victimizing yourself, you are never going to change. So, yes,
(12:51):
you are drawn to certain behaviors that tie you into
that and that can be from the unconscious of dealing
with parent, or that can be through your style of attachment,
that could be through your personality. But part of that
are the choices that you make. And now you can
have to sit there and say, okay, let me make
(13:12):
the opposite of this choice. And it's going to be uncomfortable,
it is going to be challenging. You are going to
have to change. Stop expecting for you to meet somebody
that just fits a mold for you. No, be a
part of a relationship means that you are going to change.
You have to change in order to accompany another human being,
(13:34):
no matter what type of relationship it is, but especially romantically,
you're putting lives together, you're creating life together. You're going
to have to change. So there are things that you're
going to be have to be accountable for. But you
if you don't want to change, then keep choosing the
same thing over and over. But as far as the
definition of what the fool is, that's to me the
clearest definition, and that's.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
What they say. You can't keep doing the same thing
and expect a different results. I love that you said
that about accountability, that you do have to take accountability
for your choices, and I think that's where the resilience
lies within relationships. And now that I've taken accountability for
the choice in the types of people that I decide
(14:15):
to date, and I you know right away, I'm able
to spot like, no, that's not the person that I
want to date, and I'm able to kind of end
the relationship and then I go on to the next one.
But you know, the funny thing is people say, well,
don't you think you need to wait a little bit
before you go to the next relationship, And I say no.
But I think it's because I have that resilience now
(14:35):
because I'm recognizing in the person previously, like, no, that
person wasn't for me. So there's no love lost there
because I made it. I realized being a conscious choice,
like you said, that this person is not good for me.
This person is not going to work well for me.
And so I'm resilient because I'm able to bounce back
and move on because I'm not going to take it
personal anymore, because I'm making a conscious choice and decision
(14:58):
that this person is not for me.
Speaker 4 (15:01):
And that's how it affects you because when you look
at it, you go, it's not a judgment of these people.
These people could be good people. It's just the fact
that I know, as the person that has been through something,
I react this way, I respond this way, My thoughts
take me here when I see this story or this
sequel again. And so you're not denying that person, You're
(15:26):
just denying that those things don't cause you the positive
experience enough for you to conjoin them, and that has
no timeline. That's learning yourself, that's training your mind that
then respond to your feelings and your behaviors, and you
can do that as quickly as you want. Because we
all have different temperaments, we could all go through the
same traumatic or bad person or bad qualities, and it's
(15:50):
different for everybody else. Some people take years. Some people
are very high conscientious and learn really quickly. I think
that's I would put myself in that category, Like I
can really reflect really quickly because I train myself to
do that, and I have good people around me to
do that, so I can. You know, I'm not saying
that it's going to be tomorrow, but it doesn't require
(16:11):
as much. So I think from the mental health standpoint
to even a dating standpoint, everybody's temperament is different, so
if yours is quicker, there shouldn't be a judgment on that.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
No. Absolutely. Now you mentioned that we should give ourselves
grace right as we're overcoming our setbacks, which I love that,
because we aren't always going to make the best decision.
We're we aren't always going to make the best choice,
and so we do have to realize we're human and
to give ourselves grace kind of forgive ourselves.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
So when you're working with your clients, how do you
help them within your practice as a therapist and a coach,
how do you help them you know, understand that it's okay,
and even how to give themselves grace? How do we
do that?
Speaker 4 (17:00):
It's a great question. We have to start looking at
the world in a gray perspective. So why I'm working
in therapy or the posing doesn't matter. We have pognitive disortions.
And one of those distortions that is very common. It says,
be an individualistic culture.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
The culture is very different. But in an individualistic culture
like America or the Western society, you have a black
and white thinking each either yes or no, it is,
it isn't it was wrong or right it was correct incorrect.
You pas fail, you win, you lose. There's so much
black and white perspective of life that you have been
(17:41):
programmed socially, that you have been programmed to ingest. And
what I do is that I take all of those situations,
all of those statements, all of those things you feel
about others and yourself, and we say, okay, well, that's
probably not helpful for us because it's causing you to
(18:02):
be some type of ways. So how do we combine
those two colors together where it wasn't a yes or
no or incorrect the rite or incorrect or correct? How
do we look in the middle book, Well, I try
my best. I gave my best effort here. I can
do it better next time. Next time is going to
happen like That's another thing I warned people about too,
is that it is going to happen. Life has a
(18:25):
wisdom to itself and an experience to test you. And
if you find the test, it's going and if you
pass it, it won't be harder, but it's going to
come harder and it's gonna involve a lot more liability
as you continue to not pass that experience of how
do you respond to it? So I send people down
(18:48):
and say, okay, what was the middle ground within this?
How do you look at it and go I did
the best that I could, and this is where I improved.
When you gets to be like that, they really do
have a lot more raised with themselves because now you
can go in a situation saying, hey, if I'm right,
(19:09):
I'm right, If I'm wrong. I'm wrong. If I made
the right choice, I made the right choice. But sometimes
it's kind of like taking a test where it's like
you had a B or a B, C or D
and you had a hundred questions and you got an
eighty five out of the hundred. Well, everybody focuses on
the fifteen questions that they got wrong. But it's like, no,
(19:32):
like at that time, you can look back and say,
you know that that question did trick me a little bit.
I can see why that wasn't the answer. But you
don't have to say, damn, I'm a failure that didn't
work out, that wasn't gonna do it, I'm stupid, I'm
not worth anything, I can't be loved, and I always
make mistakes. And I know it's like you still pass
(19:53):
your tests. You passed your tests, and it's okay, because
this is not your stop. This is not your stop.
So give yourself some patience that when you take these situations,
you look at them objectively, you find the middle ground
in them. You can say, okay, in the big picture,
I'm doing okay. But if I narrow my focus down
(20:16):
to what I did wrong and what makes me upset,
and what makes me anxious and fearful and triggers me.
You're going to keep reinforcing that belief onto yourself, and
it's going to cause you stress and it's not helpful
as you try to grow. So I kind of wheel
(20:36):
you back in and I say, no, you're going too
far ahead of yourself. We're trying to run a marathon.
We're not trying to strength. So let's take our time.
It's okay to take your time digest what we need
to digest, so that way you can feel a little
bit better. When you start to feel a little bit better,
you start to do a little bit better. So that's
how I try to help people have some grace and
(20:57):
some patience with themselves. They're not getting it as they
thought they would, or they're not experiencing as they thought
they would.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Now I understand that resilience is often, like you said,
it's a process of reflection and growth. Right, you have
your clients reflect on past practices, past events, past trauma,
and we talk about the growth process with them. So
what about your client that Okay, they've made a conscious
(21:27):
decision to make a change. Okay, I'm going to now
go in a different direction. And I am going to
leave my life in this particular way. I'm going to
break the cycles. I'm not going to give into external
factors that I've given into before that have caused me pain.
But what can they do to ensure that they don't
(21:49):
go backwards? Because I know that happens a lot of times. Right,
is that, Okay, you make a conscious decision you're going
to change, You're all excited and you're going a little bit,
and then all of a sudden you find yourself we're
your way back, and now now you're in the same
position again.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
Yeah. No, absolutely, I think I believe that the way
that I practice is being realistic with people about Hey,
this process of change is a cycle, and sometimes it
goes forward, sometimes it's ready, sometimes it's not. In therapy
(22:28):
or in coaching, we have an arsenal of the stages
of change, the actual measures of human beings changing, and
there are five stages that I think anybody can apply
to any aspect of their life. You have pre contemplation, contemplation, preparation,
(22:49):
aspen and maintenance in your areas of life. In some
areas you might be doing an actionable thing. You might
be fine, you're not experiencing something negative, nothing you will
you want to change. But in other areas it might
be pre contemplating. It's not really on your mind, it's
not really a big deal, nothing's really affecting you. But
contemplating is like, no, I don't like what I'm experienced.
(23:11):
I'm experiencing the same thing. Maybe something needs to change.
So when I take on clients, most of the time,
if you come to my office, you're probably between that
contemplation and preparation stage. But we stay in that contemplation
stage a lot. What are we thinking about, what are
you running away from? What do you want to change?
(23:32):
What is happened that brought you here? And then when
we get comfortable with getting enough information, we start to
picture and start to plan those seeds of what would
that look like if we made this change, What would
that look like if you start to eat better, What
would it feel like if you start to come home
without any type of conciousness of how you're going to
(23:54):
behave with your felof what would it look like if
you start to exercise, How do you think you would
feel about it yourself? What could be the benefit of this?
And then also what would happen if we stay the same.
That's another question you have to answer somef What would
happen if I don't make a change. Well, I'll be unhealthy,
I'll be financially irresponsible, my spouse may leave me, or
(24:19):
I may continue to experience anxiousness. My sleep will be
messed up, my health will decline. Just a lot could happen.
So it's a combination of picturing where you can go
what you're contemplating on, and then what would happen if
you don't make a change. That's the way I try
to really help clients think about when they're reverting back
(24:42):
to old ways. Yes, we know that they're comfortable for you.
You know it's familiar, you know how that feels, And
I'm preparing you to feel that it's okay to hurt.
You need to do this while you are hurt. You
have to do this when you're anxious. You have to
do this when you're not a master at this yet.
(25:03):
You have to do this with somebody walking with you
metaphorically wits your hand until it's like a bike, like
until you're done with a tricycle. Now when you're on
the two wheeler, I've gotta let you go at some point,
and I'm like I said, keep pedaling, keep pedaling, keep peddling.
I don't care people all off. You just need to
get to that point. So it's okay that we're gonna
(25:26):
revert back. It's okay that you're gonna go back to
what's familiar. That may happen in the process. One day.
We might have a session and you say, Philip, I
took action. I tried the new thing that we talked about.
I liked it. Cool, Let's do more of that, Or Philip,
I tried and I went back. Okay, but that's fine,
(25:46):
But how is it going back? What didn'ts you? Like,
We're gonna try it again. We're not trying to stay there.
So it's okay that you're going from a contemplation to
a preparation to an action stage all the time in
different fashions of your life. Where trying to get you
to the more action stage, which is where the more
change happens. And once you start to feel and see
(26:09):
that improvement, most people can see the benefit of that
and hopefully implement that going forward, so they don't end
up back in those beginning stages of change. Wow.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
I love that. Listeners I hope you heard that the
five step process of change is the free contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action,
and then maintenance. Yes, that maintenance part. Yeah, I feel
like that's probably a step that people get, like they
go through all of those, but then they forget about
(26:41):
that ending that maintenance.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
And like you said, that maintenance part, that's what's going
to keep you from reverting back, because you've got to
have a plan, you know, to maintain this new normal
that you're about to have. Why do you think it's
difficult for people to do that maintenance part.
Speaker 4 (26:58):
I think of any stay the day you've tried something new,
you can't see the benefit of doing it until after
you have done it. And you can do that from
an academic standpoint, like, hey man, I remember learning my
times tables and that thing was crazy. And I'm brick
at math and science obviously, but learning it was like hard,
(27:21):
but like, okay, one was easy, like what is this
times whatever? And then I remember nine. I had a
chit that my mom learned that she taught me that
you can move your fingers, so it's it makes nine
times six. You just put down the sixth finger and
then it's fifty four, So you learn little tricks, but
that was hard at that point. And then now when
(27:41):
I'm in twelfth grade or in college, I'm doing calculus
and triggonometry and those type of things. So and then
again the bicycle analogy that when you started, you weren't
riding a two wheeler. Some people may have just got
right away. I highly doubt that. Dunking a basketball on
my athlete. So even dunking a basketball, like, Bro, you
start with the net in the backboard, then you touch
(28:01):
the rim, you try to dunk a tennis ball, and
then there's that one day that like but you graze
the rim with the ball, and you're like, Bro, I'm
not leaving until I get this, because I know I
got it. So no matter what stays you're in. It
could be relatious, it could be dating, it could be
a condemnic, it could be professional performance. No matter what,
you were never a master to start out with. This
(28:23):
is a learning experience throughout life, and it's okay to
give yourself grace. And so sometimes I evens down fines
and tell them what are you not good at? And
let's go try what you're not good at? Like I
want you to know what it feels like to not
be good at something. And so I give an example
when my self disclosed, like, hey, I can't skate, bro
(28:44):
I cannot skate like I can swim, jump, sprint, dunk,
hit a base, all that time stuff. You cannot skate, Well,
how can I athlete that is performing in every other
area can't skate? I just and then a little girl
really is five years old or blah blah blah blah blah,
I hav any time of her life, and I'm over
here bustling my cakes on the floor. So it's okay
(29:07):
that anything that is new is going good to hurt.
It is going to be painful, it is going to
be challenging, It is going to come with its own
stepping stones no matter what it is. But you have
to sit there and say, if I don't make this change,
maybe I don't know what if the experience is going
to be like maybe I have I don't really I
(29:28):
don't live regrets, and I wasn't learning to live regrets.
But I have the time to look back and say
I would have tried that at this point in time.
And what do you have to lose? You were already
not good. So at least if you try it, there
is an opportunity that you could experience a little bit
better than not trying it at all. So let but
give yourself some patience and actually looking for someone. I'm
(29:51):
good at what I'm good at, but I'm not as
good as this area, and I'm really bad at this.
There's nothing wrong with that. Give yourself the bill to
experience that, Hey, I need to be taught this, and
that is okay that I'm learning it at this point
in time. Some people learn how to be in relationships
after they're done with their ho fends. You have some
(30:13):
people that learn how to financially invest at forty. You
have some people that start to work out at fifty,
like bro. There's a lot of changes that can happen
that you can benefit from. But you're going to have
to learn the fundamentals. And it's okay to be able
to do that. So give yourself some race Me that no.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
I love all of that. Yeah, I feel like for me,
I'm in that space also and for this year, like
I've just decided to do a lot of changing, Like
I joined the gym so that I can be more
intentional about my You know physical transformation. They you know,
joined the New Church for spiritual things kind of. I
(30:55):
was doing the whole YouTube church you know, awesome right, yeah, sorry,
recognizing as I've been coaching my clients and resilience, and
I was just like, oh, you know, if I'm gonna
be I'm looking for this great partner right my forever
like finally find my forever partner in marriage. And but
(31:15):
then I said, what am I myself the optimal partner?
And I really had to I really had to like
look at myself right in the mirror, which is hard great,
Like you gotta look in the mirror and be like, okay,
wait a minute, yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
And I'm the person that the person I'm looking for
is looking.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
For right right, and so same thing financially, Like I
had to like really go through all these steps and
same thing. And I can't tell you that I went
through that. I didn't know that that was the five
step process for change, but I went through it too.
But I know I spent a long time in that
pre contemplation. I desired some of these changes, but I
(31:58):
really wasn't doing anything about them. But twenty twenty five
is really showing out for me, right, now.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
No, I think I think you're doing Dame Dot for sure.
I'm happy that you are growing in the physical sense.
I tell that to people all the time, Like I'm
also I've been personally training for over a decade now too,
and I tell my clients even in therapy, like, look,
if I did talk therapy with you, you can get
thirty percent better and we'll work well every time of
(32:23):
diagnosis that we're going to work with and improve that.
But I'm also saying we can get to forty to
fifty percent. If you start to be active, you will
understand that we're meant to move and it will help
with every single aspect of your life. There are things
that aren't guaranteed in life when it comes to the
results of anything, but there is a guaranteed and that
(32:45):
there is not a negative connotation that you can be
associated with be physically active. And so I'm glad you
read that change for yourself and you start to prepare
yourself and then you took at you and I'm glad
you did that spiritually by joining a different type of
church for yourself to help yourself growth spiritually. So I
think other people can learn from that.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
No, absolutely well, Oh, my gosh, Philip, I can't even
believe that it's time for this conversation to end because
it's in such a great conversation. But before we go,
I just have to ask you, so, in your opinion,
what do you believe are the best ways to build resilience?
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Ooh, the best ways to be resilient, I would think
audit your temperament. Everybody's temperament is different, everybody's threshold is different,
and there may be things that affect you more than others.
Some people are more emotionally in crime, some people are
(33:46):
more logical, some people are more adventurous and spontaneous, and
some people are more reserved and like familiarity and structure
and knowing what they like to experience. So I say
that because being more of what you're not is not authentic,
and so be authentic to yourself. If you are quiet
(34:07):
and reserved and kind of stoic and introverted, then be
that way. If you're more extroverted and outgoing and assertive
and social, be that way. And so that comes with
knowing that whatever happens in your life, whether it's by
choice or unfortunate seeing circumstances, you are knowing what you
(34:32):
can hand. And if you put yourself in situations where
you know that you weren't supposed to be in because
you really truly didn't want to, it makes the resilience
a lot harder to deal with, obviously, because that's not
what you would normally deal with. So to make yourself
more resilience, I would say, audit yourself in any facet
(34:54):
of life. See what stage of change you are and
how you are doing in that aspect physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically,
all of those things, and then determine for yourself what
I can handle and what I can and then move
(35:15):
based on that. And it's okay that it may not
happen right away for whatever you're trying to see, but
you're going to be able to build up a threshold
for yourself. That creates an environment that makes you extremely
adaptable so that when something happens, because life happens, you're
(35:36):
able to handle it better. But it also give yourself
grace to acknowledge, Hey, this did hurt, this is challenging,
and I'm still getting through it because I'm as opposed
to and there's another light at the end of the tunnel,
or that it's going to teach me regardless, so I
don't make the same or put myself in the same
(35:58):
circumstance again. So that's what I would say to help
somebody increase their resilience in their life.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Well, you heard it from audit your temperament. I ask
this question at the end of every interview, but that
is the first time that I've had anyone say that
it is important to audit your temperament. I love that.
I love that so much. Well, thank you, Philip for
sharing your journey of grace, resilience, and personal growth with
(36:25):
us today. Your story is a powerful reminder that resilience
is forged within us as we navigate life ups and
downs and reflect upon those experiences. Your work with PQ
Coaching and Consulting acts as a beacon of hope and
strength for many seeking to grow from their trials. So
how can listeners find and connect with you?
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Day can connect with me at Pqcoachinganconsulting dot com. All
of my books, courses and contact information is on there.
So if your an inquirer, I would love to speak
with you and see where I can help.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Awesome. Do you have any last words of encouragement for
the listeners.
Speaker 4 (37:04):
Absolutely so, when it comes to the resilience in your life,
nobody was to you, nobody is you, and nobody will
ever be you. So if you're not experiencing the life
that you know that you could have for yourself, then
I would say to you that if you can take
a change, you can take action to make a life
(37:25):
better for you, because nobody else, including myself, can experience
that for you. So if you don't like it, you
need to be able to make a change. Whatever you're
contemplating on it's okay, it's maybe challenging, but you'll be
better off for it. So nobody was you, nobody is you,
and nobody will ever be, so take full advantage of
(37:46):
that throughout this experience of life.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Wow, Philip, thank you again. I want to wish you
and your family nothing but blessings and abundance for this
coming year. Please take care.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Thank you so much, dog.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
Thank you for having me Philip Kinionis. Everyone be sure
to join me next time for more uplifting stories and
insights on resilience. Until then, keep pushing forward, embrace the journey,
and remember that every setback can lead to a greater
comeback doctor, Rowe signing off
What do you do when life's romantic entanglement leave you undone,
challenging your sense of identity and resilience. On this episode
of Life Tack the Resilience Podcast, I have a special guest,
Philip Koniz, whose journey through personal setbacks has set an
inspiring example for all who struggle with life's unpredictable relationships.
(00:25):
Raised by his devoted and selfless mother Lydia, Philip embarks
on a path molded by sacrifice and strength. He holds
a bachelor's degree in psychology from Georgia State University and
a master's in Clinical Counseling Psychology from Renault University. Philip
(00:45):
is not only a therapist, but also the visionary behind
PQ Coaching and Consulting, where he supports individuals and couples
in their personal and relational growth. Listen and enjoy as
Philip shares his story, which is one of great hoping
and self discovery.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Sometimes life gives us lemons, sometimes it gives us lemonade.
Other times it gives us something entirely out of left
field that makes us say w t F. But no
matter what obstacles come, there is most often a way
out on the other side.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
And we are once again victorious.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
My name is.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Doctor Roy and you are listening to my podcast about resilience.
Every guest shares a tragedy to triumph story to give
listeners like you the inspiration to push through every single day.
Listen now as my next guest shares how they were
(01:57):
like jacked.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Hi Philip, welcome. Thank you for treving me a guest
on the show. How are you grab.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
Me, doctor Rowe. I'm doing really great with an amazing
introduction as you gave me. So I'm ready to add
some vald into your podcast and add some value to
your audience. So I'm excited for this.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Awesome and yes, I think it's going to be a
great conversation. So again, thank you for joining us. And
let's start with your foundational years, right, So for those
that do not know you, how does your mother sacrifice
this shape your perspective on resilience and personal growth?
Speaker 4 (02:32):
So I do come from a single mom. I had
an older mom growing up. So my mom had me
around thirty six thirty seven, and so there was a
difference in being brought up and being raised and with
her accomplishing getting her high school diploma in the US
Virgin Islands to then come into the United States in
(02:52):
order to get her undergraduate degree, her bachelor's at Very College,
and then pursuing another degree, getting her her master's at
Georgia State University. They really shaded just a mother taking
full advantage of her brilliance of being an educated person,
pursuing that to the second most highest degree that you
(03:13):
possibly can in academic performance, and then knowing that she
wanted to have me and she wanted to provide for me.
There was no unlike there's no doubt that I had
experience unconditioned above with a person, and that just comes
with somebody deciding that something is bigger than themselves. It
(03:37):
didn't matter how tired she was. I remember growing up
she was working two jobs that she never complained about.
It was in education, so she's been in education for
thirty years and different facets. But it was always fun
to be on me on a campus or at an
office because her bosses enjoyed me. We always did sports
(03:57):
and hunger out of the park. Always treated meaning life
a prince. She has shown me what unconditional love looks like,
and she has never, even in my interpretation of looking back,
has never complained about anything from anything physical to financial
situations to just complaining about life in general. She has
(04:20):
only showed me the positives of life. She has shown
me what sacrifice is. She has shown me what work
ethic is and to do that in service of another
human being. And that experience not only because I'm her
a child, but I noticed that in different factories of
her life too, being a friend, being a coworker. She
also teaches my high school, so seeing that with her students,
(04:43):
she just does that in many different factories of her life.
And so that is just shown how much she has
been dedicated to people. And I'm glad that I've gotten
most of that in my experience so far with her,
since I've been here.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Well, Philip, I loved her stories like that because I'm
also a single mom and I have three sons, and
you know, there's probably the stigma that's tied to a
single parent raising you know, male children or raising young men.
But it sounds like just your mom has she fought
against that stereotype that you know, oh, that women cannot
(05:18):
raise men, and it's that stereotypical a mother can't lay
the law down and can't have boundaries and all of that,
because of course you know that's out there, but I
always feel like, no, we can provide both sides to
our sons, and we can provide the structure and guidance
and also be emotional caring aspects as well. Not saying
(05:39):
that not having a father in their lives and in
course in or a father figure is not important. But
you're showing that through your your mother's work, that it
is possible to raise a young man and he be
a productive citizen in this society. So that's awesome, absolutely
all right. So now here we go so personal romantic relationships, right,
(06:05):
So clearly it is a challenging entity, and we know
this from all of the thousands of dating coaches on
Facebook and YouTube all of that, right, right, But and
of course you've gone through your own trials and tribulations
when it comes to.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Dating, so have I for sure, for sure there.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Right, But for you, what do you think was the
pivotal moment when you realize that certain setback? We're testing
your resilience when it came to relationships.
Speaker 4 (06:40):
When it comes to resilience, even when I'm working with
clients in a theopeutic perspective or coaching and consulting perspective.
The resilience doesn't happen until you get through what you
are going through. It's more of a reflection of the
circumstances and choices act, whether those are choices that you
(07:02):
have to take accountability for or those are circumstances that
are bestowed upon you. The resilience is coming to after
that effect, So yeah, you're getting through it. Whatever circumstances
may be, may be positive and maybe negative. But what
I have personally experienced when it comes to my resilience
(07:26):
is that I can look back and think of myself
very objectively. I can look at myself and say, okay,
if we were to make a list about how Philip
experienced this type of relationship, especially romantically, what things did
he like, and what things did he do really well?
And what things could he improve on that he did
(07:47):
not like that he experienced, And when you take your
own personal feeline out of it, you look at it
from an outside perspective, almost kind of like looking down
at resolve. You look and say, okay, I said, not
a chain used anything that I was supposed to experience,
And I know those things more painful when they were
I know those things maybe some of those things should
(08:08):
or should not have happened, but they happened, and so
now that I look at it, I can say, Okay,
I'm a better man for this, I'm a better person
for this. I've been on the right side of being
in an abusive relationship or experiencing a person that was
not meant for me. I've been on that side, and
I've done that from a non malicious standpoint to other women,
(08:31):
which I've reflected on myself and say I didn't want
to do that either. So it's all about looking at
yourself from an objective perspective, taking what you can take
from that relationship that you may have, and saying, how
can I grow from this? And it takes accountability. It
takes to being very honest with yourself and being real
about things that were caused to you, but also what
(08:53):
you cause to people. And then you build your resilience
based on that to have better boundaries, to have better
does adults that you want to have wing forward, and
then also picture the areas that you're going to continuously
grow in. I as to have this time on this earth,
and it's going to be imperfect. But when you reflect
(09:15):
on yourself and see where you come from. You can
sit there and go this is where I want to
go in that direction. So that's where I kind of
look at testing my resilience when I've been in those
romantic relationships.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Now, one thing I know about humans is it's human
nature to do what is comfortable, right, what we are
comfortable with. We don't want to step outside of our
comfort zone. And a lot of times it seems that
when we run into trouble with romantic relationships, it's because
we continuously pick a certain type of person that most
(09:48):
times is not good for us, right, And that's on
either side, or we have certain habits and behaviors that
are not good for other people. And so within that,
what do you think that people can do to fight
against that routine or that habit of either picking the
same type of personality type or same type of person
(10:11):
or you know, falling into the same habits as they're
going out and dating someone and then they find themselves
doing that those same things that kind of sabotage the
relationship before.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Absolutely, that's a great question. What comes off the top
of my head with that is you have to take accountability.
You are not in a place any more in your
adult life and where you don't have made for you,
you may need decisions. And yes, some of them may
(10:43):
be unconscious. Yes, we're moved and we think that we're
in control of our conscious to an extent. Yeah, we're
better than any other type of mammal out there. I mean,
we're granted the ability to be conscious, but we are
very much moved by our unconscious. And but would that
being said, and you have so much history and experience
(11:03):
doing the same thing over and over again, it becomes
a choice and you have to look in the mirror
a man or woman and say, no, I keep choosing
this type of behavior. It's not a person. It's not
x first name and ex wildlife name as the person.
It's not the man in your city. It's not the
(11:24):
woman with a certain time of degree. It's not a
certain height, it's not a certain race. It is your
choices that you have to be accountable forre that you
keep experiences. Now, with that being said, once you're able
to say I want to make a change. Like you said,
(11:44):
change is extremely uncomfortable. That's literally my job, if I
were to summarize it in one sentence, My job as
a therapist and coach is to process change because change
is so uncomfortable. But with my type of approach, I
do make you accountable for your choices. That is a
(12:05):
part of it. Now going forward, I can say, okay,
now that you are accountable for this and you want
to move forward, what do we have to implement in
order for you to change for the better of yourself
and for other people? Because sometimes the problem was you.
Sometimes the problem was your choice of how you interacted
(12:29):
with that person. And if you don't have somebody or
have an environment that makes you accountable for those interactions,
you never have to change. If you're the one always
blaming other people, or you're the one always leaving or
victimizing yourself, you are never going to change. So, yes,
(12:51):
you are drawn to certain behaviors that tie you into
that and that can be from the unconscious of dealing
with parent, or that can be through your style of attachment,
that could be through your personality. But part of that
are the choices that you make. And now you can
have to sit there and say, okay, let me make
(13:12):
the opposite of this choice. And it's going to be uncomfortable,
it is going to be challenging. You are going to
have to change. Stop expecting for you to meet somebody
that just fits a mold for you. No, be a
part of a relationship means that you are going to change.
You have to change in order to accompany another human being,
(13:34):
no matter what type of relationship it is, but especially romantically,
you're putting lives together, you're creating life together. You're going
to have to change. So there are things that you're
going to be have to be accountable for. But you
if you don't want to change, then keep choosing the
same thing over and over. But as far as the
definition of what the fool is, that's to me the
clearest definition, and that's.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
What they say. You can't keep doing the same thing
and expect a different results. I love that you said
that about accountability, that you do have to take accountability
for your choices, and I think that's where the resilience
lies within relationships. And now that I've taken accountability for
the choice in the types of people that I decide
(14:15):
to date, and I you know right away, I'm able
to spot like, no, that's not the person that I
want to date, and I'm able to kind of end
the relationship and then I go on to the next one.
But you know, the funny thing is people say, well,
don't you think you need to wait a little bit
before you go to the next relationship, And I say no.
But I think it's because I have that resilience now
(14:35):
because I'm recognizing in the person previously, like, no, that
person wasn't for me. So there's no love lost there
because I made it. I realized being a conscious choice,
like you said, that this person is not good for me.
This person is not going to work well for me.
And so I'm resilient because I'm able to bounce back
and move on because I'm not going to take it
personal anymore, because I'm making a conscious choice and decision
(14:58):
that this person is not for me.
Speaker 4 (15:01):
And that's how it affects you because when you look
at it, you go, it's not a judgment of these people.
These people could be good people. It's just the fact
that I know, as the person that has been through something,
I react this way, I respond this way, My thoughts
take me here when I see this story or this
sequel again. And so you're not denying that person, You're
(15:26):
just denying that those things don't cause you the positive
experience enough for you to conjoin them, and that has
no timeline. That's learning yourself, that's training your mind that
then respond to your feelings and your behaviors, and you
can do that as quickly as you want. Because we
all have different temperaments, we could all go through the
same traumatic or bad person or bad qualities, and it's
(15:50):
different for everybody else. Some people take years. Some people
are very high conscientious and learn really quickly. I think
that's I would put myself in that category, Like I
can really reflect really quickly because I train myself to
do that, and I have good people around me to
do that, so I can. You know, I'm not saying
that it's going to be tomorrow, but it doesn't require
(16:11):
as much. So I think from the mental health standpoint
to even a dating standpoint, everybody's temperament is different, so
if yours is quicker, there shouldn't be a judgment on that.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
No. Absolutely. Now you mentioned that we should give ourselves
grace right as we're overcoming our setbacks, which I love that,
because we aren't always going to make the best decision.
We're we aren't always going to make the best choice,
and so we do have to realize we're human and
to give ourselves grace kind of forgive ourselves.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
So when you're working with your clients, how do you
help them within your practice as a therapist and a coach,
how do you help them you know, understand that it's okay,
and even how to give themselves grace? How do we
do that?
Speaker 4 (17:00):
It's a great question. We have to start looking at
the world in a gray perspective. So why I'm working
in therapy or the posing doesn't matter. We have pognitive disortions.
And one of those distortions that is very common. It says,
be an individualistic culture.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (17:19):
The culture is very different. But in an individualistic culture
like America or the Western society, you have a black
and white thinking each either yes or no, it is,
it isn't it was wrong or right it was correct incorrect.
You pas fail, you win, you lose. There's so much
black and white perspective of life that you have been
(17:41):
programmed socially, that you have been programmed to ingest. And
what I do is that I take all of those situations,
all of those statements, all of those things you feel
about others and yourself, and we say, okay, well, that's
probably not helpful for us because it's causing you to
(18:02):
be some type of ways. So how do we combine
those two colors together where it wasn't a yes or
no or incorrect the rite or incorrect or correct? How
do we look in the middle book, Well, I try
my best. I gave my best effort here. I can
do it better next time. Next time is going to
happen like That's another thing I warned people about too,
is that it is going to happen. Life has a
(18:25):
wisdom to itself and an experience to test you. And
if you find the test, it's going and if you
pass it, it won't be harder, but it's going to
come harder and it's gonna involve a lot more liability
as you continue to not pass that experience of how
do you respond to it? So I send people down
(18:48):
and say, okay, what was the middle ground within this?
How do you look at it and go I did
the best that I could, and this is where I improved.
When you gets to be like that, they really do
have a lot more raised with themselves because now you
can go in a situation saying, hey, if I'm right,
(19:09):
I'm right, If I'm wrong. I'm wrong. If I made
the right choice, I made the right choice. But sometimes
it's kind of like taking a test where it's like
you had a B or a B, C or D
and you had a hundred questions and you got an
eighty five out of the hundred. Well, everybody focuses on
the fifteen questions that they got wrong. But it's like, no,
(19:32):
like at that time, you can look back and say,
you know that that question did trick me a little bit.
I can see why that wasn't the answer. But you
don't have to say, damn, I'm a failure that didn't
work out, that wasn't gonna do it, I'm stupid, I'm
not worth anything, I can't be loved, and I always
make mistakes. And I know it's like you still pass
(19:53):
your tests. You passed your tests, and it's okay, because
this is not your stop. This is not your stop.
So give yourself some patience that when you take these situations,
you look at them objectively, you find the middle ground
in them. You can say, okay, in the big picture,
I'm doing okay. But if I narrow my focus down
(20:16):
to what I did wrong and what makes me upset,
and what makes me anxious and fearful and triggers me.
You're going to keep reinforcing that belief onto yourself, and
it's going to cause you stress and it's not helpful
as you try to grow. So I kind of wheel
(20:36):
you back in and I say, no, you're going too
far ahead of yourself. We're trying to run a marathon.
We're not trying to strength. So let's take our time.
It's okay to take your time digest what we need
to digest, so that way you can feel a little
bit better. When you start to feel a little bit better,
you start to do a little bit better. So that's
how I try to help people have some grace and
(20:57):
some patience with themselves. They're not getting it as they
thought they would, or they're not experiencing as they thought
they would.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
Now I understand that resilience is often, like you said,
it's a process of reflection and growth. Right, you have
your clients reflect on past practices, past events, past trauma,
and we talk about the growth process with them. So
what about your client that Okay, they've made a conscious
(21:27):
decision to make a change. Okay, I'm going to now
go in a different direction. And I am going to
leave my life in this particular way. I'm going to
break the cycles. I'm not going to give into external
factors that I've given into before that have caused me pain.
But what can they do to ensure that they don't
(21:49):
go backwards? Because I know that happens a lot of times. Right,
is that, Okay, you make a conscious decision you're going
to change, You're all excited and you're going a little bit,
and then all of a sudden you find yourself we're
your way back, and now now you're in the same
position again.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
Yeah. No, absolutely, I think I believe that the way
that I practice is being realistic with people about Hey,
this process of change is a cycle, and sometimes it
goes forward, sometimes it's ready, sometimes it's not. In therapy
(22:28):
or in coaching, we have an arsenal of the stages
of change, the actual measures of human beings changing, and
there are five stages that I think anybody can apply
to any aspect of their life. You have pre contemplation, contemplation, preparation,
(22:49):
aspen and maintenance in your areas of life. In some
areas you might be doing an actionable thing. You might
be fine, you're not experiencing something negative, nothing you will
you want to change. But in other areas it might
be pre contemplating. It's not really on your mind, it's
not really a big deal, nothing's really affecting you. But
contemplating is like, no, I don't like what I'm experienced.
(23:11):
I'm experiencing the same thing. Maybe something needs to change.
So when I take on clients, most of the time,
if you come to my office, you're probably between that
contemplation and preparation stage. But we stay in that contemplation
stage a lot. What are we thinking about, what are
you running away from? What do you want to change?
(23:32):
What is happened that brought you here? And then when
we get comfortable with getting enough information, we start to
picture and start to plan those seeds of what would
that look like if we made this change, What would
that look like if you start to eat better, What
would it feel like if you start to come home
without any type of conciousness of how you're going to
(23:54):
behave with your felof what would it look like if
you start to exercise, How do you think you would
feel about it yourself? What could be the benefit of this?
And then also what would happen if we stay the same.
That's another question you have to answer somef What would
happen if I don't make a change. Well, I'll be unhealthy,
I'll be financially irresponsible, my spouse may leave me, or
(24:19):
I may continue to experience anxiousness. My sleep will be
messed up, my health will decline. Just a lot could happen.
So it's a combination of picturing where you can go
what you're contemplating on, and then what would happen if
you don't make a change. That's the way I try
to really help clients think about when they're reverting back
(24:42):
to old ways. Yes, we know that they're comfortable for you.
You know it's familiar, you know how that feels, And
I'm preparing you to feel that it's okay to hurt.
You need to do this while you are hurt. You
have to do this when you're anxious. You have to
do this when you're not a master at this yet.
(25:03):
You have to do this with somebody walking with you
metaphorically wits your hand until it's like a bike, like
until you're done with a tricycle. Now when you're on
the two wheeler, I've gotta let you go at some point,
and I'm like I said, keep pedaling, keep pedaling, keep peddling.
I don't care people all off. You just need to
get to that point. So it's okay that we're gonna
(25:26):
revert back. It's okay that you're gonna go back to
what's familiar. That may happen in the process. One day.
We might have a session and you say, Philip, I
took action. I tried the new thing that we talked about.
I liked it. Cool, Let's do more of that, Or Philip,
I tried and I went back. Okay, but that's fine,
(25:46):
But how is it going back? What didn'ts you? Like,
We're gonna try it again. We're not trying to stay there.
So it's okay that you're going from a contemplation to
a preparation to an action stage all the time in
different fashions of your life. Where trying to get you
to the more action stage, which is where the more
change happens. And once you start to feel and see
(26:09):
that improvement, most people can see the benefit of that
and hopefully implement that going forward, so they don't end
up back in those beginning stages of change. Wow.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
I love that. Listeners I hope you heard that the
five step process of change is the free contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action,
and then maintenance. Yes, that maintenance part. Yeah, I feel
like that's probably a step that people get, like they
go through all of those, but then they forget about
(26:41):
that ending that maintenance.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
And like you said, that maintenance part, that's what's going
to keep you from reverting back, because you've got to
have a plan, you know, to maintain this new normal
that you're about to have. Why do you think it's
difficult for people to do that maintenance part.
Speaker 4 (26:58):
I think of any stay the day you've tried something new,
you can't see the benefit of doing it until after
you have done it. And you can do that from
an academic standpoint, like, hey man, I remember learning my
times tables and that thing was crazy. And I'm brick
at math and science obviously, but learning it was like hard,
(27:21):
but like, okay, one was easy, like what is this
times whatever? And then I remember nine. I had a
chit that my mom learned that she taught me that
you can move your fingers, so it's it makes nine
times six. You just put down the sixth finger and
then it's fifty four, So you learn little tricks, but
that was hard at that point. And then now when
(27:41):
I'm in twelfth grade or in college, I'm doing calculus
and triggonometry and those type of things. So and then
again the bicycle analogy that when you started, you weren't
riding a two wheeler. Some people may have just got
right away. I highly doubt that. Dunking a basketball on
my athlete. So even dunking a basketball, like, Bro, you
start with the net in the backboard, then you touch
(28:01):
the rim, you try to dunk a tennis ball, and
then there's that one day that like but you graze
the rim with the ball, and you're like, Bro, I'm
not leaving until I get this, because I know I
got it. So no matter what stays you're in. It
could be relatious, it could be dating, it could be
a condemnic, it could be professional performance. No matter what,
you were never a master to start out with. This
(28:23):
is a learning experience throughout life, and it's okay to
give yourself grace. And so sometimes I evens down fines
and tell them what are you not good at? And
let's go try what you're not good at? Like I
want you to know what it feels like to not
be good at something. And so I give an example
when my self disclosed, like, hey, I can't skate, bro
(28:44):
I cannot skate like I can swim, jump, sprint, dunk,
hit a base, all that time stuff. You cannot skate, Well,
how can I athlete that is performing in every other
area can't skate? I just and then a little girl
really is five years old or blah blah blah blah blah,
I hav any time of her life, and I'm over
here bustling my cakes on the floor. So it's okay
(29:07):
that anything that is new is going good to hurt.
It is going to be painful, it is going to
be challenging, It is going to come with its own
stepping stones no matter what it is. But you have
to sit there and say, if I don't make this change,
maybe I don't know what if the experience is going
to be like maybe I have I don't really I
(29:28):
don't live regrets, and I wasn't learning to live regrets.
But I have the time to look back and say
I would have tried that at this point in time.
And what do you have to lose? You were already
not good. So at least if you try it, there
is an opportunity that you could experience a little bit
better than not trying it at all. So let but
give yourself some patience and actually looking for someone. I'm
(29:51):
good at what I'm good at, but I'm not as
good as this area, and I'm really bad at this.
There's nothing wrong with that. Give yourself the bill to
experience that, Hey, I need to be taught this, and
that is okay that I'm learning it at this point
in time. Some people learn how to be in relationships
after they're done with their ho fends. You have some
(30:13):
people that learn how to financially invest at forty. You
have some people that start to work out at fifty,
like bro. There's a lot of changes that can happen
that you can benefit from. But you're going to have
to learn the fundamentals. And it's okay to be able
to do that. So give yourself some race Me that no.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
I love all of that. Yeah, I feel like for me,
I'm in that space also and for this year, like
I've just decided to do a lot of changing, Like
I joined the gym so that I can be more
intentional about my You know physical transformation. They you know,
joined the New Church for spiritual things kind of. I
(30:55):
was doing the whole YouTube church you know, awesome right, yeah, sorry,
recognizing as I've been coaching my clients and resilience, and
I was just like, oh, you know, if I'm gonna
be I'm looking for this great partner right my forever
like finally find my forever partner in marriage. And but
(31:15):
then I said, what am I myself the optimal partner?
And I really had to I really had to like
look at myself right in the mirror, which is hard great,
Like you gotta look in the mirror and be like, okay,
wait a minute, yeah.
Speaker 4 (31:32):
And I'm the person that the person I'm looking for
is looking.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
For right right, and so same thing financially, Like I
had to like really go through all these steps and
same thing. And I can't tell you that I went
through that. I didn't know that that was the five
step process for change, but I went through it too.
But I know I spent a long time in that
pre contemplation. I desired some of these changes, but I
(31:58):
really wasn't doing anything about them. But twenty twenty five
is really showing out for me, right, now.
Speaker 4 (32:03):
No, I think I think you're doing Dame Dot for sure.
I'm happy that you are growing in the physical sense.
I tell that to people all the time, Like I'm
also I've been personally training for over a decade now too,
and I tell my clients even in therapy, like, look,
if I did talk therapy with you, you can get
thirty percent better and we'll work well every time of
(32:23):
diagnosis that we're going to work with and improve that.
But I'm also saying we can get to forty to
fifty percent. If you start to be active, you will
understand that we're meant to move and it will help
with every single aspect of your life. There are things
that aren't guaranteed in life when it comes to the
results of anything, but there is a guaranteed and that
(32:45):
there is not a negative connotation that you can be
associated with be physically active. And so I'm glad you
read that change for yourself and you start to prepare
yourself and then you took at you and I'm glad
you did that spiritually by joining a different type of
church for yourself to help yourself growth spiritually. So I
think other people can learn from that.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
No, absolutely well, Oh, my gosh, Philip, I can't even
believe that it's time for this conversation to end because
it's in such a great conversation. But before we go,
I just have to ask you, so, in your opinion,
what do you believe are the best ways to build resilience?
Speaker 4 (33:24):
Ooh, the best ways to be resilient, I would think
audit your temperament. Everybody's temperament is different, everybody's threshold is different,
and there may be things that affect you more than others.
Some people are more emotionally in crime, some people are
(33:46):
more logical, some people are more adventurous and spontaneous, and
some people are more reserved and like familiarity and structure
and knowing what they like to experience. So I say
that because being more of what you're not is not authentic,
and so be authentic to yourself. If you are quiet
(34:07):
and reserved and kind of stoic and introverted, then be
that way. If you're more extroverted and outgoing and assertive
and social, be that way. And so that comes with
knowing that whatever happens in your life, whether it's by
choice or unfortunate seeing circumstances, you are knowing what you
(34:32):
can hand. And if you put yourself in situations where
you know that you weren't supposed to be in because
you really truly didn't want to, it makes the resilience
a lot harder to deal with, obviously, because that's not
what you would normally deal with. So to make yourself
more resilience, I would say, audit yourself in any facet
(34:54):
of life. See what stage of change you are and
how you are doing in that aspect physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically,
all of those things, and then determine for yourself what
I can handle and what I can and then move
(35:15):
based on that. And it's okay that it may not
happen right away for whatever you're trying to see, but
you're going to be able to build up a threshold
for yourself. That creates an environment that makes you extremely
adaptable so that when something happens, because life happens, you're
(35:36):
able to handle it better. But it also give yourself
grace to acknowledge, Hey, this did hurt, this is challenging,
and I'm still getting through it because I'm as opposed
to and there's another light at the end of the tunnel,
or that it's going to teach me regardless, so I
don't make the same or put myself in the same
(35:58):
circumstance again. So that's what I would say to help
somebody increase their resilience in their life.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Well, you heard it from audit your temperament. I ask
this question at the end of every interview, but that
is the first time that I've had anyone say that
it is important to audit your temperament. I love that.
I love that so much. Well, thank you, Philip for
sharing your journey of grace, resilience, and personal growth with
(36:25):
us today. Your story is a powerful reminder that resilience
is forged within us as we navigate life ups and
downs and reflect upon those experiences. Your work with PQ
Coaching and Consulting acts as a beacon of hope and
strength for many seeking to grow from their trials. So
how can listeners find and connect with you?
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Day can connect with me at Pqcoachinganconsulting dot com. All
of my books, courses and contact information is on there.
So if your an inquirer, I would love to speak
with you and see where I can help.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Awesome. Do you have any last words of encouragement for
the listeners.
Speaker 4 (37:04):
Absolutely so, when it comes to the resilience in your life,
nobody was to you, nobody is you, and nobody will
ever be you. So if you're not experiencing the life
that you know that you could have for yourself, then
I would say to you that if you can take
a change, you can take action to make a life
(37:25):
better for you, because nobody else, including myself, can experience
that for you. So if you don't like it, you
need to be able to make a change. Whatever you're
contemplating on it's okay, it's maybe challenging, but you'll be
better off for it. So nobody was you, nobody is you,
and nobody will ever be, so take full advantage of
(37:46):
that throughout this experience of life.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Wow, Philip, thank you again. I want to wish you
and your family nothing but blessings and abundance for this
coming year. Please take care.
Speaker 4 (38:00):
Thank you so much, dog.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
Thank you for having me Philip Kinionis. Everyone be sure
to join me next time for more uplifting stories and
insights on resilience. Until then, keep pushing forward, embrace the journey,
and remember that every setback can lead to a greater
comeback doctor, Rowe signing off
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