October 8, 2025 • 38 mins
How do you transform adversity into authentic leadership that inspires and sustains?
This week we dive into a heartfelt conversation with Amy Pechacek... international speaker, leadership expert, and author of Built by Lessons.... who shares her journey of overcoming profound personal loss and burnout to lead with courage and purpose.
Amy discusses practical strategies for:
Learn more and connect with Amy:
Website: https://www.amypechacek.com/
Lead With Impact: https://www.alpstra.com/
The Shift Podcast: https://www.alpstra.com/podcasts
This week we dive into a heartfelt conversation with Amy Pechacek... international speaker, leadership expert, and author of Built by Lessons.... who shares her journey of overcoming profound personal loss and burnout to lead with courage and purpose.
Amy discusses practical strategies for:
- Choosing happiness daily through intentional decisions
- Managing time and priorities with reflection and planning
- Building emotional intelligence and positive feedback loops in leadership
- Delegating effectively by aligning tasks with team members’ goals
- Embracing vulnerability and faith as pillars of authentic leadership
- Creating safe, trusting environments that foster team growth and resilience
Learn more and connect with Amy:
Website: https://www.amypechacek.com/
Lead With Impact: https://www.alpstra.com/
The Shift Podcast: https://www.alpstra.com/podcasts
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This podcast is a proud member of the Teach Better
podcast network, Better Today, Better Tomorrow, and the podcast to
get you there.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
You can find out.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
More at teechbetter dot com slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
If you're never going to give anybody feedback, and you're
going to give them anything less than a ten out
of ten on their performance review, then you've truly failled
them as a manager and as a leader.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Do you want to be a leader in a constantly
changing world? Our emerging leaders look different, come from various
backgrounds and from all different age groups. Leadership is changing
and it's hard to keep up. But the good news
you can be a leader too. You can be an
emerging leader. Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge, a try
(00:46):
generational conversation for emerging leaders. Come spend some time with
us to discuss leadership from three angles. The coach Jim Johnson,
the professor, Doctor Renuma Kareem, the host, John Gering a
monthly guest, and you get in on the conversation on
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(01:06):
Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Speaker. So come on in and
make yourself comfortable.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
It's another weekendside the Limitless Leadership Lounge. We are skoked
that have our guests today here, but I want to
remind you first if you're getting value from the show,
we would love it if you would share it with others.
And one of the best ways to help our show
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Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We appreciate you having us on
(01:34):
today and let's dive into some more leadership insights and
Coach is as always going to introduce our guests today.
Go ahead.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Coach Amy is an international speaker, leadership expert and follunder
of ELSBA, known for equipping leaders with tools to rise
not just professionally but personally. Her journey hasn't been easy.
Amy's personal story includes overcoming unimaginable loss, navigating burnout, and
making the decision to rebuild her life around purpose. She
(02:03):
speaks from the heart and is drawing from real experiences,
not just research. Whether she's on the stage, coaching a team,
or writing for her desk with a strong cup of coffees.
Amy is committed to one thing, helping people lead with intention, authenticity,
and courage. And Amy's greatest joy is found with quiet
moments with her husband Larry, adult children Nick and Aaron,
(02:26):
and grand baby Rainey. Without further ado, Amy, Welcome to
the Limitless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Hey, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here today.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
We usually dive into leadership questions, but I know, in
getting to know you a little bit, your journey's been
pretty remarkable and you've had some real difficulties and challenges
in your life. So I love to you just to
take us through a little bit of your journey of
how you got to where you are today.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Sure, when I left college, I was a teacher, and
so I taught for a while, went to for a
software company, eventually worked former Girl Education, and so my
career at the time, my career was starting to move
up like an upward projection. At the same time, my
(03:11):
personal life was a disaster. The first marriage I had
was incredibly abusive in any way that you can imagine,
and so out in public, it looked like I had
it all together. I was even at one point teaching
at a private school, a Christian school, while I was
in an abusive marriage. But then fast forward about ten
(03:32):
years and my second husband, so I left my first
husband got remarried and he ended up exhibiting some of
the same things that my first husband did, not the
physical abuse, not some of the other forms of abuse,
but some of the emotional and anger issues that were
(03:53):
inside of the home that I never saw when we
dated and nobody. They say a lot of times that
it's different behind closed door, and it absolutely was with
him who he was night and day, with how he
was in public, very charismatic, very charming, life of the party,
always smiling, a huge smile, and then behind closed doors
it was you just never knew what would happen. My
(04:16):
son actually said one time, we would know how the
evening would go the moment he walked in the door
after work. So either everybody would go to their rooms
and split up, or we would all be in the
kitchen as a family. So it was a very unpredictable
environment and it took a toll on me, but also
(04:37):
I saw how it was impacting especially my daughter, and
I made the choice to leave him as well. Less
than a month after I left, he broke into the
apartment I was renting and ultimately took his life. Oh
in front of me. Yeah, And so during that evening
(04:59):
when he burst in through my door. At first I thought, okay,
let's talk. What's going on? I saw some wild wildness
in his eyes. But then he pulled out a gun,
and at that point the survival just kicked in. And
all I can tell you is I tried to get
out of the apartment. I tried to go out the
front door, of the back door, of the windows, and
(05:20):
then he ended up trapping me in my apartment bathroom,
and I there were moments where I thought he was
going to take my life and I was praying, and anyway,
he took his life that night.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Wow.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
But Amy, you are a symbol of strength and sometime
the best ones and those who are in this business
of helping others are the one who has traveled that.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Path, and probably you are.
Speaker 6 (05:52):
You'll broke into pieces and then you will become a
new jube. You are now transforming so many lives. So
thank you so much for being here and sharing your story.
And I think so many other listeners are in this
kind of situation and they might be getting some strength
from you seeing where you are. And I have to
say that you look amazing as the grandmother, so we
(06:15):
would never guess that you were a great thank you.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I'm actually gonna go see her later today to send
her off to school in the morning, so that'll be
very sweet. Yeah, oh, you are amazing.
Speaker 6 (06:27):
I was going through your video, the one of the
happiness video that you have you have on YouTube, and
there you mentioned that you talked about fourteen percent of
Americans are being not being happy, only being happy and
the rest are not and you were talking about like
how to take steps to find our own happiness, and
(06:47):
I was coincidentally, I was reading through Martin Seligman's book
Like and he was talking about he was emphasizing that
happiness is a skill that we need to learn, we
do not have, not all of us have the skill.
So my question is, what are the things that you advice.
What are the tips you advice when you are going
(07:08):
to the scarpor setting because they are bombarded with stress, competition,
they have to be worried about being judged by others.
And from my point of view, once I broke free
of all those things, that is when I reclaim my happiness.
Not caring about what other people think is not being
in that race and everything. So what are some of
(07:28):
your advices on that?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Yeah, So, first off. I truly believe happiness is a choice.
We get to choose if we're going to be happy
or not, and a lot of people don't buy into that.
You can have the head knowledge but maybe not the
heart knowledge. But I believe it truly is a choice.
But along with that comes all of the small choices
you make along the way. One of the things that
I do personally is I don't watch TV, I don't
(07:53):
watch movies, and there's a specific reason for that, and
it's because I believe that there is we are intentionally
being divided as human beings, as Americans, men against women,
the races, gender, all of it. There's intentional division happening
to keep us stirred up, and why would I want
(08:15):
to subject myself to that. One of the examples I
use a lot is I know some people who watch
twenty four hour news all day, every day, and it
doesn't matter which side of the aisle they're on. Every
single time I talk to them, they are hissed, and
they're pissed about a new topic or a new subject
(08:37):
every time I speak to them. Things that they didn't
even care about two weeks ago, they're mad about today,
right because they're the people in the media are trying
to tell you what to think, how to feel, who
to be mad at, who you do not like, and
it just is this division and it's this drama, and
I believe a lot of people get addicted to that.
So I have intentionally set myself in a place where
(09:00):
I don't allow them to dictate my thoughts. Right, so
I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs. Stopped watching
TV fifteen plus years ago, so it's been a while,
so I do a lot of reading. Another thing is
I believe that the status quo that we're taught you
go to high school, you go to college, you get married,
(09:21):
you buy the house, you have two point five kids,
a dog and a cat, and then you retire. Right,
that's what's taught. But along the way, what a lot
of people do is they just they go to work,
they come home, they watch TV and that's it. They
spend all of their time on social media or watching TV.
And so one of the things I recommended people do,
(09:43):
and I give as an activity in my workshops, is
what I call an input assessment, where they can literally
see on average, how many hours a day they spend
doing productive versus non productive activities, and then I have
them add up all of those activities in all those
hours per day, multiply it for the weeks, and then
fifty two for the year, and you can really see
(10:05):
how many hours you're spending on mindless, numbing activities like
TV versus things that are moving you towards your goals
and your dreams. And I have yet to meet somebody.
I actually have met two people and the thousands that
I've given this to who actually had more hours on
the productive side than the non productive side. So back
(10:25):
to your question about happiness. If you're spending all of
your time numbing out, not doing things to create the
life that you want, that would make you happy, that
would bring you joy, then you are going to be happy. Right,
You are going to be unhappy, You're not going to
be happy. So happiness is a choice, yes, But I
(10:45):
also believe it goes back to making intentional decisions and
doing the things that will lead you to living the
life that you want.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
Yeah, how much of this came out of the trauma
that you experienced?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Actually I stopped watching TV before that, But what happened
in that moment was I myself I realized I wasn't
living my life with that type of intention. So that
part of it absolutely came from that incident. I realized
that I was, I guess you would say, a workaholic,
(11:21):
not an alcoholic, but a workaholic. I still work a lot,
but a lot of my work now is creativity. At night,
instead of watching TV, I will write or read or reflect.
But when that happened, I did realize that I literally
I say that family is important. I say that my
friends are important. I say that I want to have
(11:43):
this great life, but my actions were not aligned with that,
which is how I came up with that input assessment.
So that's a big part of it. But the year
after it, I made a complete change. Of course, you
have healing to do along the way, but I made
a complete change, and I decided to do stuff to
prove to myself that I wasn't scared and that I
(12:04):
was worth it and that life was amazing. So I
went skydiving. I actually was one of those weird people
who walked on fire. It and it sounds wooy or whatever,
and I'm fine with that, but it wasn't. It didn't
hurt at all. Like I tell people, it hurts worse
to walk on hot sand at the beach than it
does on hot coals. But that was really scary. And
one of my favorite things was ill Let Lionel Ritchie
(12:27):
serenad me, Wow, and twenty thousand others. But whatever, we don't.
We don't have to. We don't have to share that part,
I would say, John, A lot of my mindset around
living this intentional life came when I realized we have
just one life. That's it. We have one life. And
(12:47):
even though we can make mistakes and rebound for mistakes,
and mistake like that, even if he thought it was
a mistake himself, film never come back from that. So
instead of wasting my life away, I'm the decision that
I was going to stand up and live not only
my life with intention but also help other people learn
(13:08):
because we're not taught this stuff in school, right, we're
actually taught the opposite. But I made it my personal
mission to help people understand how valuable they are.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
Yeah, And after so two pieces of two incidents of
trauma at least in your life regarding family, yet you're
still a woman who's very passionate about your family. How
did that happen? How did you get past those things,
and you may never fully get past them, But how
do you don't turn towards your family with bitterness? You
(13:38):
still you see them with the love and the kindness
and making them a priority that they are.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Liking. It to reading a book. You've ever read a
book or watched a movie, and you have the memory
of reading that book or watching the movie, but you
don't have necessarily a lot of emotions attached to it.
That's the way I describe the things that have happened
to me. Now. Obviously, at times there are moments where
that's not true. But ninety eight percent of the time
(14:06):
I would say it's literally it's like I'm telling you
about a book I read. But I also have very
strong faith, and so I leaned very heavily on my
faith on God, on Jesus. I literally had to just
surrender it all at that moment for me personally, because
I knew that I couldn't get through it on my
(14:27):
own and that as as much as my friends and
family wanted to support me, they had their own lives too,
And nobody can say the right thing when something like
that happens. A lot of times I will just listen
with people because I've been there. Instead of trying to
say something, I will just listen right and show love.
So I just had to really just surrender my healing
(14:51):
process in my life to Jesus at that time.
Speaker 5 (14:56):
Amy, how you talked about one of your research in
survey you do and get helping people be aware of
whether they're productive or not. What are you teaching leaders
right now? Can you give us one two strategies to
help people be more productive?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
So we talk about time management. That's a big one.
There's so many people who talk about time management, but
how many people are actually using those strategies. One of
the things that I do personally is I have appointments
with myself and I have found that a lot of
high level executives don't necessarily do that. I schedule out
appointments on my calendar pretty much every day, every day
(15:39):
where I have a time block of doing the most
important things that I need to do for myself. It
might be reflecting any number of things, but whatever those
priority items are. But not only that. At the end
of every week, I make a list of my top
used to be three, now it's five things that I
need to do the following week. At fair minimal. These
(16:01):
are the things that have to get done. These are
the highest priority things, and these are immovable, these are
non negotiables. So that's at the end of every week.
I do that on a Friday, and then at the
end of every work day, which for me, the workday
doesn't end at five, But when I'm closing out my day,
I revisit the following day, and this is a daily habit.
(16:22):
I look at the next day and I say, Okay,
is everything on here important? Is it necessary? And are
these the top priorities that I need to do to
move myself and mind goals forward. So that's a big one.
Speaker 6 (16:38):
Yeah, moving the needle that is so important and after
and that is an intentional activity. When you have those
block times to yourself and putting them into urgency on
all those priorities, automatically you are moving the needle to
another level. So I think that time management is so
(16:59):
crucial for being productive. And another thing I have observed
that many of the people who are coming to the
workplace or other places, if they are into that not
so self aware state, they are not being able to
give their productivity or high performance level to the work
or to their family so self awareness and I know
(17:21):
that you're a big fan of emotional intelligence. What are
some of the some of the tips that you have
practiced or you are suggesting others to practice to become
more self aware, not only individually but collectively, because in
workforce is that collective environment and if we are not
self aware, and it has been shown that the team
(17:45):
success is cut into half because there are some people
who might be self aware some people who are not
who are driving others' productivity down.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
So have you observed these kinds of phenomenon while.
Speaker 6 (17:56):
You are you're coaching in the corporate sectors and some
intervention that you could advise.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah. So one of the things that I've noticed is
that the majority of people, when they become aware of
their behaviors, they will take steps to correct those behaviors.
Now I say majority because not all. There are some
people out there who have the mindset of this is
who I am, take it or leave it. And it's
(18:24):
like the old adage you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make them drink. It's got same mindset.
And so for those people, there's not a lot of
things that I can do with them or that we
can do with them, but companies get to make the
decisions on how to handle that however are And it
goes back to what we said a few moments ago.
A lot of times there's head knowledge but not heart knowledge,
(18:46):
and so it's finding a way to take that knowledge
and implement it in your life. And one of the
best ways that can happen is through true, honest feedback.
I'm not talking about criticism, talking about feedback, so literally
giving and receiving feedback. I truly believe if I didn't
(19:06):
care about somebody, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
If I don't care about you, I'm not gonna say
the hard things to you. But if I truly do
care about you and want to see you get better Bennett's,
then I'm gonna have to step up and give you feedback.
And then as the recipient of feedback, I can view
that as a gift. I use the analogy of Ralphie
(19:28):
in the Pink Bunny Suit. You guys remember the Toy story,
the movie, not the Toy story, the Christmas Story movie.
Oh yeah, Christmas story. He wanted a bb gun for Christmas,
but he got in this pink bunny suit. Okay, now
that was the gift. He tried on the gift, it
didn't fit, he took it off. Okay. Feedback's kind of
the same way. So somebody gives me feedback, then I
(19:51):
have a duty to myself, an obligation to myself to
reflect on that feedback and decide if it fits or
if it doesn't. And if it fits, then I can
things to implement it and make it better. And if
it doesn't, I take it off, give it away, whatever.
But when it comes to being able to be more
self aware, I think a lot of people just don't
(20:15):
know what they don't know, and so we come in
and we do activities with them. We teach them concepts,
and then we do activities with them to help them
become more self aware, and feedback is a part of
that process.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
Maybe let jump in because I'm right with you. Feedback
is so important. But the challenge is how do you
help leaders so that feedback becomes effective instead of just
being pure criticism and getting into blaming the person or
what It can get certainly very negative. So can you
(20:51):
give us a couple strategies as far as a leader
and how you create a positive feedback? Because I think
it's essential, but it can really be something. It can
be botched.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
So the processes has to be taught. Okay, So we
teach the process of that and we look at examples.
We do case studies, but we look at examples of
what true feedback is versus what criticism is, and we
go through all the concepts and so as we're doing that,
people are getting to do it in a low stakes environment. Okay,
(21:25):
so they're getting to test it with one another. One
of the very first foundational things we talk about is trust.
So there is this process that we go through with
them to build them up to the point to where okay,
now it's time for that feedback. But the very foundation
of that is trust. And not just trust, but Patrick
Lindsayoni talks about vulnerability based trust. So that type of
(21:48):
trust where I'm going to open up to you and
I'm going to tell you something about me that happened
to me, not anything that I don't want to share,
but something that I can share. I'm going to tell
you something about me and maybe what I learned as
a result of that what I did at the beginning
of this podcast, right, So share something that happened you
(22:09):
connect with me emotionally, now I'm seen as a real person,
and having leaders do that with each other within their team,
that kind of starts to bring those walls down. But
that's just one part of it. And then from there,
I tell you something about me, you tell me something
about you. Then we have conversations about what trust is.
(22:30):
We hit all the different topics of it. So we
hit the statistics, we hit the case studies, we talk
about the emotions, we talk about the neuroscience and human
behavior behind it. But that's the foundation. It's to start
with trust and some of those case studies. We look
at leaders who the entire point of this conversation was
around being self aware, and we look at the differences
(22:53):
between leaders who are really good leaders, and then the
leaders who were bad or toxic leaders. We look at
the behaviors that they exhibited and the differences between those leaders.
So that's another layer that we take them through. I
give my own examples of good leaders versus toxic leaders.
And then we have, just like doctor Kream said, we
(23:16):
go through emotional intelligence. So we look at all the
traits of emotional intelligence, both from the perspective of being
self aware but also being aware of the emotions and
feelings of other people. And that's another layer that we
go through. So we're going through these layers getting them.
We don't just immediately take them to feedback. You know,
from the beginning, it's probably a full day before with
(23:39):
starting with the foundation of trust and moving up to
the point to where we actually do start talking about feedback.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
And sadly, so many work environment now we have a
problem with trust issues and the toxic culture. Just a
few days ago, a young leady was like really away
and telling me that I'd be giving my one hundred
person and then the leadership they're always trying to find
(24:07):
fault in what I do. So there isn't any middle
feedback like while I'm working or even in the middle
of the year like one on one or something like that.
There is nothing but the end of the year, the
HR calls you and then give the performance analysis, so
there is no scope and would just give the feedback
that you are batting all these things, so there is
(24:29):
no room for growth or giving the feedback in a
continuous process. I think, what are your thoughts on that,
how important it is to give that feedback environment of
trust in a continuous process not at the end of
the year just to identify your fault.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Oh my gosh. Yeah, we abolutely don't want to cite
white people like out of the blue. And if you
are only giving feedback for that annual performance review, then
I would not want you into the good, productive, effective
leader her bucket right. Feedback is something that should be
done on a consistent and ongoing basis. And there's an example.
(25:08):
I give a lot when I talk about my experience
with a good boss, I will share it in a
different light for you guys here, But the worst boss
I ever had was at one company, My very next boss,
my very next direct supervisor, was the absolute best boss,
best leader I've ever worked with today, hands down. And
one of the things he would do is we had,
(25:30):
depending on the position I held, because I was promoted
at different stages, but we either had weekly calls or
buying weekly calls. I would get off the phone with
him and I would feel like a flip and rock star.
I would feel like, oh my gosh, I am like
knocking it out of the park. I'm killing it. I'm
doing such a great job. He just praised me for
(25:52):
an hour on that call. Life is beautiful, but then
when I would go back and reflect on that conversation
later that day the next day, whenever I would realize,
oh my gosh, he was not complimenting me. He was
coaching me. But he would coach in such a way
(26:13):
that was felt like it was uplifting and praising me.
And what he was doing was he was talking about
my strengths and he would like give me ideas of
how to improve the strength. Where it did not feel
like coaching. It felt a brainstorm session. Oh Amy, have
you thought about this? And then the areas where I
was not as strong, we would have conversations about that,
(26:37):
but I never felt criticized or blamed. I'll give you
one of them. I am excel. Spreadshoots are my kryptonite.
I say, I am not an analytical at all. I'm
the visionary, big sinker, doer, pessionate. But those fine minute
details like that's somebody else's skill set and not want
and I'm good with that, right, they're good with theirs.
I'm good with mine. But so some of those areas
(27:00):
where I wasn't as strong, we put provisions around to
take care of that. And one of the things that
he did was he said, you know what, Amy, I'm
going to look at your reports. You don't worry about
looking your reports. You get out there and do what
you do. I look at the reports, and if there's
ever anything you needed to be concerned about, I'll let
me know, Doctor Cream. He never called me. He never
(27:20):
called me to tell me there was anything to be
concerned about. And I give this example because that was
a constant, weekly or bi weekly feedback session. But it
was a feedback session in a way to help me
move forward. And that's that type of feedback. Even the
things that he felt I needed to work on, we
(27:41):
would talk about it. But it was such a safe
conversation that anytime he ever did coach me in a
way that was to build up a weakness, it wasn't scary.
It didn't feel like I was in trouble. It felt
like he truly cared about me. And I believe that's
the difference. So those people who wait and till once
a year to give you feedback, they're doing a grand disservice.
(28:04):
There was a leader in my life who I used
to ask pretty consistently for feedback or areas where he
felt I can improve. And I'll tell you he never
did give me one as many times as I asked.
If you're never going to give anybody feedback and you're
going to give them anything less than a ten out
of ten on their performance review, then you've truly filled
(28:26):
them as a manager and as a leader.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Yeah, and we're talking about building trust in the workplace
and giving feedback. But then there's also in personal life too,
because you've been through some really toxic relationships and also
some good personal life relationships too. So tell us a
little bit about how to build trust some of those
good things and bad things you've seen when it comes
to trust in your personal life as well.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
So I am married again. I was a widow and
I'm married again. One of the hardest things that I
ever had to do was learn how to trust again
after that. My husband, Larry and I now have been
married for oh almost six years, and we dated for
(29:13):
two two and a half years before we got married.
He likes to say, then I broke up with him
twenty four times in that two years. I think he's
exaggerating because he's personality like a funny guy. I think
he's exaggerating a little bit. That I did break up
with and the reason for that was because I was
so scared of being hurt again. Yeah, I was so
(29:33):
scared of being hurt again. It was a very long,
arduous process of learning how to trust a man, let's
just say, a romantic partner again. But what I have
found is if we stay knotted up and scared and
don't open ourself up and take a risk, yeah, I
(29:56):
might not ever be hurt again, but I'm never going
to have that really good stuff that we talked about
at the very beginning, the happiness and the joy and
all of that. So you have to take that risk.
You have to take a risk if you're going to
have a great life, if you're going to be happy,
if you're going to have joy in your life. You
(30:16):
can't stay tied up and stuck. You have to be
willing to take a risk and be willing to get
hurt in the process. I'm not sure if I answered
your question exactly or not.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
Yeah, So it sounds like building trust is it's a process, right,
And after you've been hurt, it's harder because you have
those experiences. How about other relationships in life too, because
certainly you've had to build trust with children, now with
the grandchild, as well those What are some suggestions that
you would give for new parents their grandparents who are
(30:49):
looking to build trust in those relationships.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Oh my gosh. So my philosophy was as a parent
that above everything else, the primary thing I wanted to
do was ensure my children both knew that I loved them.
Every decision I made was around love, every decision. A
lot of times when people are divorced parents, you'll see
(31:14):
the parents make decisions out of selfishness, not what's best
for the child, but what's best for them, and that's
human nature to do. But I truly made decisions for
my children based off of what was best for them,
and that goes for everything that went for. Every decision
I made was around what is best for them and
how are they going to feel loved? So building the trust.
(31:38):
It's funny that you asked that because my granddaughter, she's five,
and when she was when we found out she was
on the way, I remember telling my husband I related
it to a lady who was like a grandmother to me.
She wasn't a grandmother by blood, but she was like
a grandmother to me, and I called her Tadpole. There's
(31:59):
a story around that, but I felt more love and
acceptance from her than just about anybody else in my life.
And the reason for that is because she accepted me
for who I was. She didn't try to change me.
Of course, teaching me because I was a child and
I needed to be taught. But I didn't feel condemned
(32:21):
or criticized. I felt truly loved and accepted and appreciated
as a person. And so I told my husband when
my granddaughter was on the way, I said, I want
her to be able to view me the same way
I viewed Tadpole. So again, John, that's an intentional choice.
I made the decision to make sure that she knows
(32:42):
that she's loved, that I accept her for who she is,
while correcting her as needed right and creating a safe
place for her. It goes back to all of the
relationships you have in your life, though, whether it's a
child and grandchild friendships, it's being vulnerable. It's a give
and take relationship, but it's making the decisions to accept
(33:04):
them for who they are while correcting and providing feedback
needed to help me. If you saw somebody who is
just completely destroying, wrecking their life and you said nothing,
You're not a good friend. True, So one of this again,
the most sincerest form of love you can show someone
is to say, here's what I see is happening in
(33:25):
your life. I love you and I don't want to
see you destroy your life. How can I help you?
This is what I see. What do you need from me?
But it's that vulnerability, it's creating a safe place, it's
doing making decisions from a place of love, I would say,
And then it's give and take.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
Yeah, yeah, I know, coaches. One more question, My final
question for you today. We're coming off of an event
called the Global Leadership Summit, which all three of us
were involved with here locally, and faith is such an
important theme behind that and the importance of many of
all are people of faith here. And I think it's
so important to include that in your journey too, because
(34:06):
you mentioned it earlier how important it was for you.
How does that continue to guide you today in all
of your leadership decisions everything.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
Like I pray before our podcast, I pray during our podcast,
I pray this morning. I a lot of the because
I don't watch a lot of TV, and that's not
a faith based or is not based off of my faith.
But it does free up a lot of time to read,
to listen to podcasts, faith based podcasts, to do things
(34:35):
like the Global Leadership Summit. But it is the foundation,
and you're absolutely right, there's it's having those conversations with
the people that you care about, because if we do
care about them, we care about where they spend eternity,
praying over them, praying with them. My granddaughter, before she
would walk, we say a lot of times she's going
to be a dancer, she's going to be a store
(34:57):
there's no doubt about it, Like she's just amazing. But
before she can even walk, she would have her hand
on the coffee table in my living room and she'd
be raising her hand praising Jesus, like listening to worship music.
So it's every part of my life. I don't believe
my faith can ever be segmented out of a part
of amy.
Speaker 5 (35:17):
Thank you, we really appreciate it. You have one final
question because I'm just curious. It's a broad topic, but
I'd like you to zero win because one of the
things you talk about is you help leaders build stronger teams,
and obviously that's a big term, but if you're to
zero win, you're working with a young leader and helping
him or her build a better team. Give us one
(35:39):
or two ideas that you would advise that leader to
get off to a great start.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
The first thing is, the same skills that made you
successful as a doer are not going to serve you
well as a leader. You have to have a completely
different skill set. And so it's continuous learning, continuous improving.
It's things like we've talked about. Communication is a huge
one time management delegating, but delegating effectively, meaning that when
(36:10):
you delegate tasks and a lot of times when new
leaders step in, they think they have to keep doing everything.
But one of the best things you can do is
to find out what are the skilled and talents of
the people on your team and delegate those things to
those people based off of what their goals are for
(36:31):
their career. So what are they good at, where they
need growth, how can they improve? Now you're not always
going to have perfect alignment, but as best as possible,
get to know the people on your team, find out
what their career goals and their career aspirations are, and
then empower them equip them to be able to grow
(36:52):
in their role. So I think the biggest thing is
to understand that you have to continue growing, that you
can't keep depending on the same tools and skills that
you had. That it's communication, it's effective delegation, it's learning
emotional intelligence, it's all of these things that we say
make a great leader.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
Very well said Amy. We love your work. We love
certainly the stories that you've brought to us today. Some
things in life they're just they're difficult, and I know you've,
like your Numa said earlier, you've given strength to those
who might be going through some of those similar things,
maybe things that aren't quite as dramatic as what you
went through, but still traumatizing in their own way. So
thank you for coming on and sharing some of your
(37:32):
time and insight here. Finally, is there a way that
anybody could learn more about your work, get in touch
with you. I know you got some great things going
on online.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, I'm on I'm on LinkedIn and also have a
couple of the websites. One is Amy Pokotchick, so it's
just my name is spelt amibokotcheck dot com. The other
one is alpsure dot com. It's a l P S
t R A dot com so we also have a
podcast called The Shift, but that's on our Oltra website.
But those are some of the best ways to get
(38:01):
in touch with me. And then my email address is
my first name, Amy, Amy at Alkstra alpstr a dot com.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Very good.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Those links down in the show notes. Amy. We can't
thank you enough for your time today and all the
insight you brought here to the Womenless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Thank you, John, appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Thank you for joining us this week at the Limitless
Leadership Lounge. To listen to this episode again and to
find previous episodes, check us out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
and Spreaker. You can also get in on the conversation
find us on Facebook and Instagram. Then tell three of
your friends to join in as well. Coach Numa and John.
We'll be back again next week for another try generational
(38:40):
leadership discussion. We'll talk to you then on the Limitless
Leadership Lounge.
This podcast is a proud member of the Teach Better
podcast network, Better Today, Better Tomorrow, and the podcast to
get you there.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
You can find out.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
More at teechbetter dot com slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
If you're never going to give anybody feedback, and you're
going to give them anything less than a ten out
of ten on their performance review, then you've truly failled
them as a manager and as a leader.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
Do you want to be a leader in a constantly
changing world? Our emerging leaders look different, come from various
backgrounds and from all different age groups. Leadership is changing
and it's hard to keep up. But the good news
you can be a leader too. You can be an
emerging leader. Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge, a try
(00:46):
generational conversation for emerging leaders. Come spend some time with
us to discuss leadership from three angles. The coach Jim Johnson,
the professor, Doctor Renuma Kareem, the host, John Gering a
monthly guest, and you get in on the conversation on
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(01:06):
Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Speaker. So come on in and
make yourself comfortable.
Speaker 4 (01:12):
It's another weekendside the Limitless Leadership Lounge. We are skoked
that have our guests today here, but I want to
remind you first if you're getting value from the show,
we would love it if you would share it with others.
And one of the best ways to help our show
reach other people is by leaving a review upon wherever
you play it on your podcast platform, whether that be
Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We appreciate you having us on
(01:34):
today and let's dive into some more leadership insights and
Coach is as always going to introduce our guests today.
Go ahead.
Speaker 5 (01:41):
Coach Amy is an international speaker, leadership expert and follunder
of ELSBA, known for equipping leaders with tools to rise
not just professionally but personally. Her journey hasn't been easy.
Amy's personal story includes overcoming unimaginable loss, navigating burnout, and
making the decision to rebuild her life around purpose. She
(02:03):
speaks from the heart and is drawing from real experiences,
not just research. Whether she's on the stage, coaching a team,
or writing for her desk with a strong cup of coffees.
Amy is committed to one thing, helping people lead with intention, authenticity,
and courage. And Amy's greatest joy is found with quiet
moments with her husband Larry, adult children Nick and Aaron,
(02:26):
and grand baby Rainey. Without further ado, Amy, Welcome to
the Limitless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Hey, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here today.
Speaker 5 (02:34):
We usually dive into leadership questions, but I know, in
getting to know you a little bit, your journey's been
pretty remarkable and you've had some real difficulties and challenges
in your life. So I love to you just to
take us through a little bit of your journey of
how you got to where you are today.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Sure, when I left college, I was a teacher, and
so I taught for a while, went to for a
software company, eventually worked former Girl Education, and so my
career at the time, my career was starting to move
up like an upward projection. At the same time, my
(03:11):
personal life was a disaster. The first marriage I had
was incredibly abusive in any way that you can imagine,
and so out in public, it looked like I had
it all together. I was even at one point teaching
at a private school, a Christian school, while I was
in an abusive marriage. But then fast forward about ten
(03:32):
years and my second husband, so I left my first
husband got remarried and he ended up exhibiting some of
the same things that my first husband did, not the
physical abuse, not some of the other forms of abuse,
but some of the emotional and anger issues that were
(03:53):
inside of the home that I never saw when we
dated and nobody. They say a lot of times that
it's different behind closed door, and it absolutely was with
him who he was night and day, with how he
was in public, very charismatic, very charming, life of the party,
always smiling, a huge smile, and then behind closed doors
it was you just never knew what would happen. My
(04:16):
son actually said one time, we would know how the
evening would go the moment he walked in the door
after work. So either everybody would go to their rooms
and split up, or we would all be in the
kitchen as a family. So it was a very unpredictable
environment and it took a toll on me, but also
(04:37):
I saw how it was impacting especially my daughter, and
I made the choice to leave him as well. Less
than a month after I left, he broke into the
apartment I was renting and ultimately took his life. Oh
in front of me. Yeah, And so during that evening
(04:59):
when he burst in through my door. At first I thought, okay,
let's talk. What's going on? I saw some wild wildness
in his eyes. But then he pulled out a gun,
and at that point the survival just kicked in. And
all I can tell you is I tried to get
out of the apartment. I tried to go out the
front door, of the back door, of the windows, and
(05:20):
then he ended up trapping me in my apartment bathroom,
and I there were moments where I thought he was
going to take my life and I was praying, and anyway,
he took his life that night.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Wow.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
But Amy, you are a symbol of strength and sometime
the best ones and those who are in this business
of helping others are the one who has traveled that.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Path, and probably you are.
Speaker 6 (05:52):
You'll broke into pieces and then you will become a
new jube. You are now transforming so many lives. So
thank you so much for being here and sharing your story.
And I think so many other listeners are in this
kind of situation and they might be getting some strength
from you seeing where you are. And I have to
say that you look amazing as the grandmother, so we
(06:15):
would never guess that you were a great thank you.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I'm actually gonna go see her later today to send
her off to school in the morning, so that'll be
very sweet. Yeah, oh, you are amazing.
Speaker 6 (06:27):
I was going through your video, the one of the
happiness video that you have you have on YouTube, and
there you mentioned that you talked about fourteen percent of
Americans are being not being happy, only being happy and
the rest are not and you were talking about like
how to take steps to find our own happiness, and
(06:47):
I was coincidentally, I was reading through Martin Seligman's book
Like and he was talking about he was emphasizing that
happiness is a skill that we need to learn, we
do not have, not all of us have the skill.
So my question is, what are the things that you advice.
What are the tips you advice when you are going
(07:08):
to the scarpor setting because they are bombarded with stress, competition,
they have to be worried about being judged by others.
And from my point of view, once I broke free
of all those things, that is when I reclaim my happiness.
Not caring about what other people think is not being
in that race and everything. So what are some of
(07:28):
your advices on that?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Yeah, So, first off. I truly believe happiness is a choice.
We get to choose if we're going to be happy
or not, and a lot of people don't buy into that.
You can have the head knowledge but maybe not the
heart knowledge. But I believe it truly is a choice.
But along with that comes all of the small choices
you make along the way. One of the things that
I do personally is I don't watch TV, I don't
(07:53):
watch movies, and there's a specific reason for that, and
it's because I believe that there is we are intentionally
being divided as human beings, as Americans, men against women,
the races, gender, all of it. There's intentional division happening
to keep us stirred up, and why would I want
(08:15):
to subject myself to that. One of the examples I
use a lot is I know some people who watch
twenty four hour news all day, every day, and it
doesn't matter which side of the aisle they're on. Every
single time I talk to them, they are hissed, and
they're pissed about a new topic or a new subject
(08:37):
every time I speak to them. Things that they didn't
even care about two weeks ago, they're mad about today,
right because they're the people in the media are trying
to tell you what to think, how to feel, who
to be mad at, who you do not like, and
it just is this division and it's this drama, and
I believe a lot of people get addicted to that.
So I have intentionally set myself in a place where
(09:00):
I don't allow them to dictate my thoughts. Right, so
I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs. Stopped watching
TV fifteen plus years ago, so it's been a while,
so I do a lot of reading. Another thing is
I believe that the status quo that we're taught you
go to high school, you go to college, you get married,
(09:21):
you buy the house, you have two point five kids,
a dog and a cat, and then you retire. Right,
that's what's taught. But along the way, what a lot
of people do is they just they go to work,
they come home, they watch TV and that's it. They
spend all of their time on social media or watching TV.
And so one of the things I recommended people do,
(09:43):
and I give as an activity in my workshops, is
what I call an input assessment, where they can literally
see on average, how many hours a day they spend
doing productive versus non productive activities, and then I have
them add up all of those activities in all those
hours per day, multiply it for the weeks, and then
fifty two for the year, and you can really see
(10:05):
how many hours you're spending on mindless, numbing activities like
TV versus things that are moving you towards your goals
and your dreams. And I have yet to meet somebody.
I actually have met two people and the thousands that
I've given this to who actually had more hours on
the productive side than the non productive side. So back
(10:25):
to your question about happiness. If you're spending all of
your time numbing out, not doing things to create the
life that you want, that would make you happy, that
would bring you joy, then you are going to be happy. Right,
You are going to be unhappy, You're not going to
be happy. So happiness is a choice, yes, But I
(10:45):
also believe it goes back to making intentional decisions and
doing the things that will lead you to living the
life that you want.
Speaker 4 (10:55):
Yeah, how much of this came out of the trauma
that you experienced?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Actually I stopped watching TV before that, But what happened
in that moment was I myself I realized I wasn't
living my life with that type of intention. So that
part of it absolutely came from that incident. I realized
that I was, I guess you would say, a workaholic,
(11:21):
not an alcoholic, but a workaholic. I still work a lot,
but a lot of my work now is creativity. At night,
instead of watching TV, I will write or read or reflect.
But when that happened, I did realize that I literally
I say that family is important. I say that my
friends are important. I say that I want to have
(11:43):
this great life, but my actions were not aligned with that,
which is how I came up with that input assessment.
So that's a big part of it. But the year
after it, I made a complete change. Of course, you
have healing to do along the way, but I made
a complete change, and I decided to do stuff to
prove to myself that I wasn't scared and that I
(12:04):
was worth it and that life was amazing. So I
went skydiving. I actually was one of those weird people
who walked on fire. It and it sounds wooy or whatever,
and I'm fine with that, but it wasn't. It didn't
hurt at all. Like I tell people, it hurts worse
to walk on hot sand at the beach than it
does on hot coals. But that was really scary. And
one of my favorite things was ill Let Lionel Ritchie
(12:27):
serenad me, Wow, and twenty thousand others. But whatever, we don't.
We don't have to. We don't have to share that part,
I would say, John, A lot of my mindset around
living this intentional life came when I realized we have
just one life. That's it. We have one life. And
(12:47):
even though we can make mistakes and rebound for mistakes,
and mistake like that, even if he thought it was
a mistake himself, film never come back from that. So
instead of wasting my life away, I'm the decision that
I was going to stand up and live not only
my life with intention but also help other people learn
(13:08):
because we're not taught this stuff in school, right, we're
actually taught the opposite. But I made it my personal
mission to help people understand how valuable they are.
Speaker 4 (13:17):
Yeah, And after so two pieces of two incidents of
trauma at least in your life regarding family, yet you're
still a woman who's very passionate about your family. How
did that happen? How did you get past those things,
and you may never fully get past them, But how
do you don't turn towards your family with bitterness? You
(13:38):
still you see them with the love and the kindness
and making them a priority that they are.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Liking. It to reading a book. You've ever read a
book or watched a movie, and you have the memory
of reading that book or watching the movie, but you
don't have necessarily a lot of emotions attached to it.
That's the way I describe the things that have happened
to me. Now. Obviously, at times there are moments where
that's not true. But ninety eight percent of the time
(14:06):
I would say it's literally it's like I'm telling you
about a book I read. But I also have very
strong faith, and so I leaned very heavily on my
faith on God, on Jesus. I literally had to just
surrender it all at that moment for me personally, because
I knew that I couldn't get through it on my
(14:27):
own and that as as much as my friends and
family wanted to support me, they had their own lives too,
And nobody can say the right thing when something like
that happens. A lot of times I will just listen
with people because I've been there. Instead of trying to
say something, I will just listen right and show love.
So I just had to really just surrender my healing
(14:51):
process in my life to Jesus at that time.
Speaker 5 (14:56):
Amy, how you talked about one of your research in
survey you do and get helping people be aware of
whether they're productive or not. What are you teaching leaders
right now? Can you give us one two strategies to
help people be more productive?
Speaker 2 (15:15):
So we talk about time management. That's a big one.
There's so many people who talk about time management, but
how many people are actually using those strategies. One of
the things that I do personally is I have appointments
with myself and I have found that a lot of
high level executives don't necessarily do that. I schedule out
appointments on my calendar pretty much every day, every day
(15:39):
where I have a time block of doing the most
important things that I need to do for myself. It
might be reflecting any number of things, but whatever those
priority items are. But not only that. At the end
of every week, I make a list of my top
used to be three, now it's five things that I
need to do the following week. At fair minimal. These
(16:01):
are the things that have to get done. These are
the highest priority things, and these are immovable, these are
non negotiables. So that's at the end of every week.
I do that on a Friday, and then at the
end of every work day, which for me, the workday
doesn't end at five, But when I'm closing out my day,
I revisit the following day, and this is a daily habit.
(16:22):
I look at the next day and I say, Okay,
is everything on here important? Is it necessary? And are
these the top priorities that I need to do to
move myself and mind goals forward. So that's a big one.
Speaker 6 (16:38):
Yeah, moving the needle that is so important and after
and that is an intentional activity. When you have those
block times to yourself and putting them into urgency on
all those priorities, automatically you are moving the needle to
another level. So I think that time management is so
(16:59):
crucial for being productive. And another thing I have observed
that many of the people who are coming to the
workplace or other places, if they are into that not
so self aware state, they are not being able to
give their productivity or high performance level to the work
or to their family so self awareness and I know
(17:21):
that you're a big fan of emotional intelligence. What are
some of the some of the tips that you have
practiced or you are suggesting others to practice to become
more self aware, not only individually but collectively, because in
workforce is that collective environment and if we are not
self aware, and it has been shown that the team
(17:45):
success is cut into half because there are some people
who might be self aware some people who are not
who are driving others' productivity down.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
So have you observed these kinds of phenomenon while.
Speaker 6 (17:56):
You are you're coaching in the corporate sectors and some
intervention that you could advise.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah. So one of the things that I've noticed is
that the majority of people, when they become aware of
their behaviors, they will take steps to correct those behaviors.
Now I say majority because not all. There are some
people out there who have the mindset of this is
who I am, take it or leave it. And it's
(18:24):
like the old adage you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make them drink. It's got same mindset.
And so for those people, there's not a lot of
things that I can do with them or that we
can do with them, but companies get to make the
decisions on how to handle that however are And it
goes back to what we said a few moments ago.
A lot of times there's head knowledge but not heart knowledge,
(18:46):
and so it's finding a way to take that knowledge
and implement it in your life. And one of the
best ways that can happen is through true, honest feedback.
I'm not talking about criticism, talking about feedback, so literally
giving and receiving feedback. I truly believe if I didn't
(19:06):
care about somebody, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
If I don't care about you, I'm not gonna say
the hard things to you. But if I truly do
care about you and want to see you get better Bennett's,
then I'm gonna have to step up and give you feedback.
And then as the recipient of feedback, I can view
that as a gift. I use the analogy of Ralphie
(19:28):
in the Pink Bunny Suit. You guys remember the Toy story,
the movie, not the Toy story, the Christmas Story movie.
Oh yeah, Christmas story. He wanted a bb gun for Christmas,
but he got in this pink bunny suit. Okay, now
that was the gift. He tried on the gift, it
didn't fit, he took it off. Okay. Feedback's kind of
the same way. So somebody gives me feedback, then I
(19:51):
have a duty to myself, an obligation to myself to
reflect on that feedback and decide if it fits or
if it doesn't. And if it fits, then I can
things to implement it and make it better. And if
it doesn't, I take it off, give it away, whatever.
But when it comes to being able to be more
self aware, I think a lot of people just don't
(20:15):
know what they don't know, and so we come in
and we do activities with them. We teach them concepts,
and then we do activities with them to help them
become more self aware, and feedback is a part of
that process.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
Maybe let jump in because I'm right with you. Feedback
is so important. But the challenge is how do you
help leaders so that feedback becomes effective instead of just
being pure criticism and getting into blaming the person or
what It can get certainly very negative. So can you
(20:51):
give us a couple strategies as far as a leader
and how you create a positive feedback? Because I think
it's essential, but it can really be something. It can
be botched.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
So the processes has to be taught. Okay, So we
teach the process of that and we look at examples.
We do case studies, but we look at examples of
what true feedback is versus what criticism is, and we
go through all the concepts and so as we're doing that,
people are getting to do it in a low stakes environment. Okay,
(21:25):
so they're getting to test it with one another. One
of the very first foundational things we talk about is trust.
So there is this process that we go through with
them to build them up to the point to where okay,
now it's time for that feedback. But the very foundation
of that is trust. And not just trust, but Patrick
Lindsayoni talks about vulnerability based trust. So that type of
(21:48):
trust where I'm going to open up to you and
I'm going to tell you something about me that happened
to me, not anything that I don't want to share,
but something that I can share. I'm going to tell
you something about me and maybe what I learned as
a result of that what I did at the beginning
of this podcast, right, So share something that happened you
(22:09):
connect with me emotionally, now I'm seen as a real person,
and having leaders do that with each other within their team,
that kind of starts to bring those walls down. But
that's just one part of it. And then from there,
I tell you something about me, you tell me something
about you. Then we have conversations about what trust is.
(22:30):
We hit all the different topics of it. So we
hit the statistics, we hit the case studies, we talk
about the emotions, we talk about the neuroscience and human
behavior behind it. But that's the foundation. It's to start
with trust and some of those case studies. We look
at leaders who the entire point of this conversation was
around being self aware, and we look at the differences
(22:53):
between leaders who are really good leaders, and then the
leaders who were bad or toxic leaders. We look at
the behaviors that they exhibited and the differences between those leaders.
So that's another layer that we take them through. I
give my own examples of good leaders versus toxic leaders.
And then we have, just like doctor Kream said, we
(23:16):
go through emotional intelligence. So we look at all the
traits of emotional intelligence, both from the perspective of being
self aware but also being aware of the emotions and
feelings of other people. And that's another layer that we
go through. So we're going through these layers getting them.
We don't just immediately take them to feedback. You know,
from the beginning, it's probably a full day before with
(23:39):
starting with the foundation of trust and moving up to
the point to where we actually do start talking about feedback.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
And sadly, so many work environment now we have a
problem with trust issues and the toxic culture. Just a
few days ago, a young leady was like really away
and telling me that I'd be giving my one hundred
person and then the leadership they're always trying to find
(24:07):
fault in what I do. So there isn't any middle
feedback like while I'm working or even in the middle
of the year like one on one or something like that.
There is nothing but the end of the year, the
HR calls you and then give the performance analysis, so
there is no scope and would just give the feedback
that you are batting all these things, so there is
(24:29):
no room for growth or giving the feedback in a
continuous process. I think, what are your thoughts on that,
how important it is to give that feedback environment of
trust in a continuous process not at the end of
the year just to identify your fault.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Oh my gosh. Yeah, we abolutely don't want to cite
white people like out of the blue. And if you
are only giving feedback for that annual performance review, then
I would not want you into the good, productive, effective
leader her bucket right. Feedback is something that should be
done on a consistent and ongoing basis. And there's an example.
(25:08):
I give a lot when I talk about my experience
with a good boss, I will share it in a
different light for you guys here, But the worst boss
I ever had was at one company, My very next boss,
my very next direct supervisor, was the absolute best boss,
best leader I've ever worked with today, hands down. And
one of the things he would do is we had,
(25:30):
depending on the position I held, because I was promoted
at different stages, but we either had weekly calls or
buying weekly calls. I would get off the phone with
him and I would feel like a flip and rock star.
I would feel like, oh my gosh, I am like
knocking it out of the park. I'm killing it. I'm
doing such a great job. He just praised me for
(25:52):
an hour on that call. Life is beautiful, but then
when I would go back and reflect on that conversation
later that day the next day, whenever I would realize,
oh my gosh, he was not complimenting me. He was
coaching me. But he would coach in such a way
(26:13):
that was felt like it was uplifting and praising me.
And what he was doing was he was talking about
my strengths and he would like give me ideas of
how to improve the strength. Where it did not feel
like coaching. It felt a brainstorm session. Oh Amy, have
you thought about this? And then the areas where I
was not as strong, we would have conversations about that,
(26:37):
but I never felt criticized or blamed. I'll give you
one of them. I am excel. Spreadshoots are my kryptonite.
I say, I am not an analytical at all. I'm
the visionary, big sinker, doer, pessionate. But those fine minute
details like that's somebody else's skill set and not want
and I'm good with that, right, they're good with theirs.
I'm good with mine. But so some of those areas
(27:00):
where I wasn't as strong, we put provisions around to
take care of that. And one of the things that
he did was he said, you know what, Amy, I'm
going to look at your reports. You don't worry about
looking your reports. You get out there and do what
you do. I look at the reports, and if there's
ever anything you needed to be concerned about, I'll let
me know, Doctor Cream. He never called me. He never
(27:20):
called me to tell me there was anything to be
concerned about. And I give this example because that was
a constant, weekly or bi weekly feedback session. But it
was a feedback session in a way to help me
move forward. And that's that type of feedback. Even the
things that he felt I needed to work on, we
(27:41):
would talk about it. But it was such a safe
conversation that anytime he ever did coach me in a
way that was to build up a weakness, it wasn't scary.
It didn't feel like I was in trouble. It felt
like he truly cared about me. And I believe that's
the difference. So those people who wait and till once
a year to give you feedback, they're doing a grand disservice.
(28:04):
There was a leader in my life who I used
to ask pretty consistently for feedback or areas where he
felt I can improve. And I'll tell you he never
did give me one as many times as I asked.
If you're never going to give anybody feedback and you're
going to give them anything less than a ten out
of ten on their performance review, then you've truly filled
(28:26):
them as a manager and as a leader.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
Yeah, and we're talking about building trust in the workplace
and giving feedback. But then there's also in personal life too,
because you've been through some really toxic relationships and also
some good personal life relationships too. So tell us a
little bit about how to build trust some of those
good things and bad things you've seen when it comes
to trust in your personal life as well.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
So I am married again. I was a widow and
I'm married again. One of the hardest things that I
ever had to do was learn how to trust again
after that. My husband, Larry and I now have been
married for oh almost six years, and we dated for
(29:13):
two two and a half years before we got married.
He likes to say, then I broke up with him
twenty four times in that two years. I think he's
exaggerating because he's personality like a funny guy. I think
he's exaggerating a little bit. That I did break up
with and the reason for that was because I was
so scared of being hurt again. Yeah, I was so
(29:33):
scared of being hurt again. It was a very long,
arduous process of learning how to trust a man, let's
just say, a romantic partner again. But what I have
found is if we stay knotted up and scared and
don't open ourself up and take a risk, yeah, I
(29:56):
might not ever be hurt again, but I'm never going
to have that really good stuff that we talked about
at the very beginning, the happiness and the joy and
all of that. So you have to take that risk.
You have to take a risk if you're going to
have a great life, if you're going to be happy,
if you're going to have joy in your life. You
(30:16):
can't stay tied up and stuck. You have to be
willing to take a risk and be willing to get
hurt in the process. I'm not sure if I answered
your question exactly or not.
Speaker 4 (30:27):
Yeah, So it sounds like building trust is it's a process, right,
And after you've been hurt, it's harder because you have
those experiences. How about other relationships in life too, because
certainly you've had to build trust with children, now with
the grandchild, as well those What are some suggestions that
you would give for new parents their grandparents who are
(30:49):
looking to build trust in those relationships.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Oh my gosh. So my philosophy was as a parent
that above everything else, the primary thing I wanted to
do was ensure my children both knew that I loved them.
Every decision I made was around love, every decision. A
lot of times when people are divorced parents, you'll see
(31:14):
the parents make decisions out of selfishness, not what's best
for the child, but what's best for them, and that's
human nature to do. But I truly made decisions for
my children based off of what was best for them,
and that goes for everything that went for. Every decision
I made was around what is best for them and
how are they going to feel loved? So building the trust.
(31:38):
It's funny that you asked that because my granddaughter, she's five,
and when she was when we found out she was
on the way, I remember telling my husband I related
it to a lady who was like a grandmother to me.
She wasn't a grandmother by blood, but she was like
a grandmother to me, and I called her Tadpole. There's
(31:59):
a story around that, but I felt more love and
acceptance from her than just about anybody else in my life.
And the reason for that is because she accepted me
for who I was. She didn't try to change me.
Of course, teaching me because I was a child and
I needed to be taught. But I didn't feel condemned
(32:21):
or criticized. I felt truly loved and accepted and appreciated
as a person. And so I told my husband when
my granddaughter was on the way, I said, I want
her to be able to view me the same way
I viewed Tadpole. So again, John, that's an intentional choice.
I made the decision to make sure that she knows
(32:42):
that she's loved, that I accept her for who she is,
while correcting her as needed right and creating a safe
place for her. It goes back to all of the
relationships you have in your life, though, whether it's a
child and grandchild friendships, it's being vulnerable. It's a give
and take relationship, but it's making the decisions to accept
(33:04):
them for who they are while correcting and providing feedback
needed to help me. If you saw somebody who is
just completely destroying, wrecking their life and you said nothing,
You're not a good friend. True, So one of this again,
the most sincerest form of love you can show someone
is to say, here's what I see is happening in
(33:25):
your life. I love you and I don't want to
see you destroy your life. How can I help you?
This is what I see. What do you need from me?
But it's that vulnerability, it's creating a safe place, it's
doing making decisions from a place of love, I would say,
And then it's give and take.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
Yeah, yeah, I know, coaches. One more question, My final
question for you today. We're coming off of an event
called the Global Leadership Summit, which all three of us
were involved with here locally, and faith is such an
important theme behind that and the importance of many of
all are people of faith here. And I think it's
so important to include that in your journey too, because
(34:06):
you mentioned it earlier how important it was for you.
How does that continue to guide you today in all
of your leadership decisions everything.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
Like I pray before our podcast, I pray during our podcast,
I pray this morning. I a lot of the because
I don't watch a lot of TV, and that's not
a faith based or is not based off of my faith.
But it does free up a lot of time to read,
to listen to podcasts, faith based podcasts, to do things
(34:35):
like the Global Leadership Summit. But it is the foundation,
and you're absolutely right, there's it's having those conversations with
the people that you care about, because if we do
care about them, we care about where they spend eternity,
praying over them, praying with them. My granddaughter, before she
would walk, we say a lot of times she's going
to be a dancer, she's going to be a store
(34:57):
there's no doubt about it, Like she's just amazing. But
before she can even walk, she would have her hand
on the coffee table in my living room and she'd
be raising her hand praising Jesus, like listening to worship music.
So it's every part of my life. I don't believe
my faith can ever be segmented out of a part
of amy.
Speaker 5 (35:17):
Thank you, we really appreciate it. You have one final
question because I'm just curious. It's a broad topic, but
I'd like you to zero win because one of the
things you talk about is you help leaders build stronger teams,
and obviously that's a big term, but if you're to
zero win, you're working with a young leader and helping
him or her build a better team. Give us one
(35:39):
or two ideas that you would advise that leader to
get off to a great start.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
The first thing is, the same skills that made you
successful as a doer are not going to serve you
well as a leader. You have to have a completely
different skill set. And so it's continuous learning, continuous improving.
It's things like we've talked about. Communication is a huge
one time management delegating, but delegating effectively, meaning that when
(36:10):
you delegate tasks and a lot of times when new
leaders step in, they think they have to keep doing everything.
But one of the best things you can do is
to find out what are the skilled and talents of
the people on your team and delegate those things to
those people based off of what their goals are for
(36:31):
their career. So what are they good at, where they
need growth, how can they improve? Now you're not always
going to have perfect alignment, but as best as possible,
get to know the people on your team, find out
what their career goals and their career aspirations are, and
then empower them equip them to be able to grow
(36:52):
in their role. So I think the biggest thing is
to understand that you have to continue growing, that you
can't keep depending on the same tools and skills that
you had. That it's communication, it's effective delegation, it's learning
emotional intelligence, it's all of these things that we say
make a great leader.
Speaker 4 (37:10):
Very well said Amy. We love your work. We love
certainly the stories that you've brought to us today. Some
things in life they're just they're difficult, and I know you've,
like your Numa said earlier, you've given strength to those
who might be going through some of those similar things,
maybe things that aren't quite as dramatic as what you
went through, but still traumatizing in their own way. So
thank you for coming on and sharing some of your
(37:32):
time and insight here. Finally, is there a way that
anybody could learn more about your work, get in touch
with you. I know you got some great things going
on online.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, I'm on I'm on LinkedIn and also have a
couple of the websites. One is Amy Pokotchick, so it's
just my name is spelt amibokotcheck dot com. The other
one is alpsure dot com. It's a l P S
t R A dot com so we also have a
podcast called The Shift, but that's on our Oltra website.
But those are some of the best ways to get
(38:01):
in touch with me. And then my email address is
my first name, Amy, Amy at Alkstra alpstr a dot com.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Very good.
Speaker 4 (38:09):
Those links down in the show notes. Amy. We can't
thank you enough for your time today and all the
insight you brought here to the Womenless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Thank you, John, appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Thank you for joining us this week at the Limitless
Leadership Lounge. To listen to this episode again and to
find previous episodes, check us out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
and Spreaker. You can also get in on the conversation
find us on Facebook and Instagram. Then tell three of
your friends to join in as well. Coach Numa and John.
We'll be back again next week for another try generational
(38:40):
leadership discussion. We'll talk to you then on the Limitless
Leadership Lounge.
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