July 9, 2025 • 44 mins
Jon Goehring, Coach Jim Johnson, and Dr. Rehnuma Karim welcome Dr. Hillary Cauthen, sport psychologist, author of Hello Trauma, Our Invisible Teammate, and founder of Texas Optimal Performance, for a deep dive into the mental game of success, leadership, and overcoming trauma.
Drawing from 17+ years supporting athletes and leaders, Hillary shares how mental skills like emotional regulation, intentional breathing, and situational confidence are the real game changers. She reveals how top coaches build cultures rooted in purpose, role clarity, and ownership... leading to teams that thrive under pressure.
Key takeaways include:
Drawing from 17+ years supporting athletes and leaders, Hillary shares how mental skills like emotional regulation, intentional breathing, and situational confidence are the real game changers. She reveals how top coaches build cultures rooted in purpose, role clarity, and ownership... leading to teams that thrive under pressure.
Key takeaways include:
- How to rebuild situational confidence through belief and small wins
- The transfer of athletic mental skills to business leadership settings
- Why culture and shared mission form the backbone of championship teams
- Using neuroscience-backed intentional breathing to control emotion and performance
- Recognizing trauma’s subtle impact and transforming it into growth
- Addressing unique challenges female athletes face in sports and leadership
- Balancing high-performance careers with family, mindfulness, and personal development
- Hillary’s recommended reads and resources for continued growth
- Hello Trauma, Our Invisible Teammate — available on Audible, Amazon, Barnes & Noble
- Hillary’s Website & Podcast: txopps.com
- Instagram: @drcmindset
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This podcast is a proud member of the Teach Better
podcast network, Better Today, Better Tomorrow, and the podcast to
get you there. You can find out more at Teachbetter
dot com slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
It is a standard of excellence and every player on
that team discuss the standard and the pushing and the
desire to drive and be your best set by their
head coach. So there was a strong leader present in
demanding what was their expectation and that wasn't going to falter.
And at the end of the day when it was
the final show, the quotes were just go play like
you need to play. If you play like you need
(00:33):
to play, we'll do our job. And so to me,
that's giving ownership now to the team to just play
their game. But it was set by a leader at first.
But intentional breathing allows you to get into a neiral
pathway and think differently and have more clarity and confidence
and creativity and processing all the things we want and
everything that we're trying to do. And once I teach
some little cues like that, they're like, oh, and then
(00:54):
I'm like, you only feel a motion for ninety seconds.
Stop rerunning that play in your head. Let's get on
a different noiral pathway. And so once they know how
their brain works and how they can control the emotion,
then they're locked in. They can get into different zones
a lot faster.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Do you want to be a leader in a constantly
changing world? Our emerging leaders look different, come from various
backgrounds and from all different age groups. Leadership is changing
and it's hard to keep up. But the good news
you can be a leader too. You can be an
e merging leader. Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge, a
(01:28):
try generational conversation for emerging leaders. Come spend some time
with us to discuss leadership from three angles. The coach
Jim Johnson, the professor, Doctor Renuma Kareem, the host, John Gering,
a monthly guest. And you get in on the conversation
on Facebook and Instagram, and be sure to follow us
(01:48):
on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Speaker. So come on in
and make yourself comfortable.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
It's another week inside the Limitless Leadership Lounge. I'm really
excited for our conversation this week. Jim Johnson and I
are back for another weekend. Hopefully you're enjoying your summer.
Hopefully you've had some fun activities planned to come up
later in the summer, but for now, we're excited to
hopefully share some leadership insights with you, like always, and
Coach is connected with our guests today and he's ready
(02:15):
to introduce her, so let's dive right in. Coach.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
Yeah, I had the pleasure to speak to doctor Hillary
Coffin on the zoom and we're really excited to have her,
so let me just share a little information about her
and welcome to the show. Doctor Hillary Coughin has been
involved in athletics since the age of four. Her education
began with a focus in sports psychology. Doctor Coughin strongly
believes in the practice of embracing personal growth, enhancing performance,
(02:42):
enriching one passion for athletic and professional endeavors. Doctor Coughin
is the founder of the Texas Optimal Performance and Psychological Services.
Her work with high performance is breaking down stigma across communities,
which is highlighted in her book Hello Trauma. Visible. Teammate.
Doctor Corton is over seventeen years of experience working in
(03:04):
the field of sport and performance psychology. Doctor Carthin is
currently a licensed psychologist in the state of Texas.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
She is a.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Certified Mental Performance Consultant. Without any further ado do Doctor Hillary,
Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Thank you so much so.
Speaker 5 (03:24):
We're looking forward to being a high school basketball coach
for a long time. I know one of the things
I share with young coaches is the fact that we
spend a lot of time the second half of my
career working on the mental piece as well as the
physical piece. So as I know, right up your ally,
I'm going to start with a question that would be
not only for an athlete people in the leadership. We
(03:44):
often see and I know I ran into this a
lot myself and working with young people. Is that somebody
that's pretty talented, whether they're an athlete or a leader
or whatever, but loses their confidence. Tell us what you
do to try to help that person game back that
fleeting word confidence?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah, I think I first start with educating them on
the term of confidence. For me, I specifically say it's situational,
it's gonna ebb and flow. But truly what we need
to look at is like your self belief And I
always say, what's your belief bucket? And do we have
evidence to prove that we are capable of doing the
things that we want to do, and can we fill
that belief bucket with small wins, And once the belief
(04:25):
bucket is strong, I say, okay, now we just have
to look at this situation and explore what's causing you
to feel insecure and that that you feel you perceived
you lost confidence. And then once they feel they have
ownership over that and they're like, no, I believe I'm
really good at this. I just have some game day
nerves or I am fearing this failure, this evaluation of
becoming presentation, then we can really hone in on the
(04:47):
real skills to lock them through it, and their confidence
will rise after they continue to look at that belief
and say, no, I've done this time and time again,
here's the evidence of my success, and here's what it's
going to be like if I go in and complete
this task.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
And how does athletic confidence transfer into the business world,
the professional world, even the world of personal life as
an adult.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, I think with athletics because it is so based
on wins and losses and it's about your performance, and
ideally the athletes will experience some former success more likely
than they will experience a game of losing all the time.
They gain this sense of ownership because of the skill acquisition,
the confidence and the winning, the camaraderie, team cohesion that
all builds the self esteem and self worth in these
(05:32):
life lessons that we know, Fortune five hundred companies and
other domains really are excited by athletes, and we welcome
that we chair so that we have already identified athletes
as having a certain type of skills that are acquired
that are favorable and high performing pressure situation. So it
gives them a little step up that we're socializing them
(05:53):
already to believe they're really great at things and that
they can transition into these venues already, I would say
caveat we have to teach them as well, because it's
not as easy as you just jump right in and
you go be successful in the business world. But there
is a sense of being in high performing situations learning
how to work through communication and problem solving that is
very advantageous for life and business endeavors.
Speaker 5 (06:16):
Very interesting. Obviously, spent a long time working with high
school basketball teams, but because I do a lot of
speaking now to both the athletic teams and a lot
of businesses, and I'm curious because I know you have
as well worked with various teams. What if you found,
can you give us two or three key ingredients that
you've found the difference between teams that achieve very well,
(06:40):
whether it's on the athletic field or court or on
the business world as opposed to the teams that seem
to flounder.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
It really does start with this essence of culture. There
has to be a belief that's bigger than the task
at hand. Right, you have to be working towards something
greater than just simply dribbling the basketball. Right, you have
to believe in the mission. And if there's a core
foundation of cultural pillars that everyone can believe in and
they know this is the standard of excellence, this is
the expectations, and this is what I have to buy
(07:08):
into to be successful, and then have that role clarity
within that where everyone has a purpose. When you give
everyone a purpose, whether you're the leading star or you're
a manager on the team, and you value everyone at
that same level, you will see loads of enhancement where
people want to show up, they want to be appreciated,
they're connected, they have value, and they're going to work
harder for everyone around them. Because there's something bigger than
(07:31):
just that one person who's the star.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
It always fascinates me that you have talented teams, You
have really talented teams, and you look at both the
men's and women's basketball tournaments even just this past year,
and a team like Yukon who ends up winning the
championship game and their head coach, Gina rim Right, who's
won twelve championships, and obviously you have a ridiculous amount
(07:54):
of talent throughout the country and other teams too who
they are going through and sometimes beating significantly like they'd
beat down Staley in South Carolina yesterday. What separates the
good from the great or the talented from the talented
and also ridiculously successful.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yeah, I think it's looking at specifically the basketball program
with Yukon. I think that story was written. We could
all see it, whether the press advocated for that and
socialized that story with Paige and what a storybook ending
for her career. And but Yukon has had values, has
head standards, has had significant success. The winning is coach
in women's basketball, right, twelve national championships, and you went
(08:33):
eleven out of the twelve times you've been there. Twenty
four final fours. He was going up an extreme competitor
who's already creating a dynasty and legacy in her program
and dominated. Now there was a shift. If you go
back and watch all of the women's tournament, Yukon was
destined to when they weren't coming back. They were in
full belief of their mission and passion. And it was
(08:54):
not one star player. There was multiple players, There was
multiple rotations. There was a belief in what they wanted
to do and they were going to find a way
no matter what. And I think rising to that momentum
and that belief, I think anyone watched you would know
they were going to win. I don't think that anyone
planned to see the peer domination. That was a very
ridiculous score and blowout, but it wasn't one star player,
(09:15):
and their star player didn't have a forty point game
like they did three games before, had twelve points. So
I think, to me, these championship teams, it is not
one person, it can never be one person, but it
is a standard of excellence, and every player on that
team discussed the standard and the pushing and the desire
to drive and be your best set by their head coach.
So there was a strong leader present in demanding what
(09:38):
was their expectation and that wasn't going to falter. And
at the end of the day when it was the
final show, the quotes were just go play like you
need to play. If you play like you need to play,
we'll do our job. And so to me, that's giving
ownership now to the team to just play their game.
But it was set by a leader at first.
Speaker 5 (09:55):
Tell us, I know you have a new book coming out,
So tell us about the books called Hello, Our Invisible Teammate.
Tell us what the reader is going to find from
reading this book, and maybe even illustrate a story that
you have in the book.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, the book came out December first of twenty twenty three.
Though it's an exciting book, it's uses sport as a
microcosm of society and there of storytelling. But you do
not have to be an athlete. You can be an
organizational leader. There's two parts about this book, and it
was written partly because as much as I love the
passion of sport, can be really toxic and be really
traumatic and be really detrimental to athletes' mental health, which
(10:34):
is my specialty. And so I wanted to be able
to highlight and give a voice to those that really
don't speak out, didn't know how to speak out, couldn't
make meaning of experience as they went through, and I
wanted to be like, hey, this book will help you
feel seen and heard. And for those that maybe feel
like they've never experienced trauma, which is not true, they're
(10:54):
going to actually now be able to relate to people
who have, because we know seventy percent of US Americans
have reported some expert of trauma. And for me, I
also redefine the meaning of trauma because it's the very
pop culture right now, this big tea little tea, and
I just say, hey, trauma is stubbing your toe. Trauma
is witnessing a car accident. It's a biological, physiological response.
(11:14):
And so I really break down this aspect of trauma,
take you through what a victim of trauma experiences, very
simone to grief and loss, but it's the stages of trauma.
And then you spore as a microcosm call to action
where I'm saying like, hey, if we don't get this right,
you're reinforcing trauma to exist in any organization. And so
(11:34):
then I give a step by step god on how
to work through stuff. But the stories in it, the
first twelve chapters are very emotionally experienced, as they start
and end with a journal entry that draws you in
and helps you feel what that emotional experience is, and
then it breaks that down psychologically and then ends again
with another emotional hook. So you keep this fuel aspect
to really connect with someone that might go through something.
Speaker 4 (11:58):
Doctor Hillary Coffin joins it, so, how about a time
in your life, and maybe it could be something as
simple as right stubbing a toe or something bigger. What
was a trauma that you went through that that inspired
you to recognize some of the benefits and potential opportunities
that lie within trauma.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I have two different experiences. One is like first myself
as an athlete, right which looking back, you don't realize
that this is traumatic or what this is doing for you,
But it really did shape the trajectory of how I've
you'd sport, how I showed up in places, and how
it really was detrimental to my confidence. And it started
at age of seven. I was a track and field
athlete at four multi sport and soccer, and I went
on vacation with my parents, like a normal seven year
(12:39):
old kid would do in the summertime. And I remember
coming back and I had lost my spot on the
four by four team, and I was like devastated to
find out that I wasn't going to run on a
four y fourteen. And if you're a track athlete, the
four by four is the last event of a track meet.
It's the biggest thing everyone watches. It's like pride to
be a part of that. And my coach and I
was like, coach, this isn't fair, Like I'm one of
the best in our age group, of our eight and
(13:00):
under kids. If there was like, why are you not
letting me be on this team just because I went
on vacation, And you have to show dedication and commitment,
and I'm like okay, and so he goes, if you
want to earn your spot back, you have to challenge
a person on that relay team and run a four
hundred in front of all of us before practice. And
when I say all of us, it was like five
year olds up to eighteen year olds, right, So I
(13:23):
had to have the entire team said on the bleachers
and challenge another seven year old to go run in
front of everyone, and of course I did because I
wanted to be on the four by fourteen. But I
remember thinking like, this is a time in my life
to choose what I want. But I could fail miserably
in front of everyone, or I could get my thing.
But then what's I going to do to my teammates.
What are they going to experience because now I've earned
(13:44):
a spot and they wanted to be on the spot,
and now we have this social conflict. At the age
of seven, I did challenge her, I did win, and
it was traumatic for this, like social comment, I was
so nervous, so afraid to fail that then it set
me up for the next parts of my life life
of you can't fail, you have to perform always, you
have to be your best, you can't take time off,
you can't go on vacation with your family, which is
(14:07):
crazy standards at the age of seven to start believing in.
And that was just one example that there was other
examples I have of college running. I ran in college
and sitting in the hallway where your coach comes down
and says, what you're going to do that day and
what was your mileage of the day before how fast
you ran, and if you're not running well, complete ignoring you,
no eye contact, no calling you by your name, like,
(14:29):
no acknowledgment as if you even exist, and there could
be weeks on end that you just show up, sit
in the hallway and get clumped together with a couple
other girls like, oh, you three, go do this. And
the isolation and loneliness you feel by not being recognized
by a coach when all you're doing, even if you
want to perform for yourself, is perform for your coaches,
like to think that you're doing a great job to
(14:51):
have your coach value you. That is really hard to
work through.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Wow, and what did you learn from there? Did you
try to now help people that are in leadership? But
because I know I've coached a long time, so I'm
sure I hid my issues where I neglected a player
or something and something I think I became more cognizant of.
But tell me what you learned and how you share
that today.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Yeah, it's a lot of the time. I try to
think of both sides of the coin.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
It's easy for me to work with the athletes individually
and have them find ownership and work through stuff. What
I also try to do. And what's missing is a
lot of coach education. We spend a lot of time
on coaching the athletes and we're not coaching the coaches.
And so for me, I'm like, let me if I'm
going to fix a system, I have to work at
all parts of the system trying to coach coaches, try
to have them understand their Everyone has an intent to
(15:39):
want to help, but when it comes into wins and losses,
and in some cases their job is relying on the
wins or losses, there's a lot of pressure in the
coaches domain as well, and so I have to empathize
in that factor and acknowledge that coaches coach the way
they've coached. And we have bracket and morality that we
allow things to exist in sport that we would not
allow in other societies, that we would say that's not okay.
(16:01):
Like I had a clipboard thrown at me in high
school basketball right by a coach. You can't throw A
teacher can't throw a clipboard at a kid in the
classroom right Like, it just doesn't align and we would
have an upward But in a sport we allow it.
We're like, we're allowing it less. We see things not
happening as much, but not to the level that we
need to have happen. And so partly it's learned behavior
from coaches that need to change, and there has to
(16:23):
be a disruption and there has to be sanctions, But
there also has to be a standard of coach education
and at different levels. Not every rec level has to
have a certain license or education to coach. Can be
a volunteer parent, and that's a whole different world that
you're battling with when you have a volunteer parent and
you're not sure what their level expertise is, what they're
able to do. So then I also have to coach
(16:45):
my parents to say, have you vetted out the coach
and the organization you're joining, Do you know the standard
of coaching education? Do you know what expectations you're expecting
what you're putting your child into. If you put them
in a rec level that doesn't require background checks and
no coach education, you're not going to go win the
Little World Series Like it's not gonna happen. And so
there's a lot of education that still has to exist
(17:06):
as well as a lot of standards of coach education
and sanctions to limit some of these behaviors.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I just couldn't help but imagine Bob Knight throwing that
chair right, one of my icon Jim Beheim ripping off
that jacket and that iconic picture moment. Yet, but you're
so true and we laugh about that, and it is
just part of sports legacy across all sports and across
men's and women's sports. But at the same time, there
(17:33):
are so many leaders who are able to exert authority
yet also be more mild mannered and be calmer under pressure.
What mindset does it take to have that confidence and
what you need in sport to succeed, yet also have
the wherewithal and the self control not to totally lose
(17:56):
your mind and potentially either put someone else in arms,
weigh or just make a fool out of yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, there's so many core mental skills. Back when I
first started, I would have said this was the most important,
But now what I truly believe is an emotional regulation.
The ability to understand your emotions and regulate them at
certain levels. And there's times where you have to be
amped up, and there's times that you have to be
super calm, And it's a barometer right and use this
as like the best analogies. What speed are you going? Right?
(18:26):
When can you get into cruise control and cruise controls?
Like when everything's inflow state, we don't even have to think.
It's just working for us. And so it comes down
to a lot of self awareness for the athlete and
for the athlete to really tap in and say, Okay,
I know the technical play. I know how to physically
work and train my body and recover, but now can
I tap into that emotional component? Can I learn how
to regulate? Can I do some mindfulness activities and breathing?
(18:49):
And you have to teach both sides of it. It's
not just be calm. I also have to teach people
how do they amp up? How do they get excited?
How do they manage momentum? And if you have someone
coach or an athlete able to be grounded and take
a breath and be present and figure out the situation,
you're going to come back to have much more clarity
and confidence and decision making. And for me, it's teaching
(19:11):
them breath. You're breathing is the essential skill that regulates everything.
Intentional breathing. We naturally breathe all the time out thinking,
but intentional breathing allows you to get into a neural
pathway and think differently and have more clarity and confidence
and creativity and processing all the things we want and
everything that we're trying to do. And once I teach
them little cues like that, they're like, oh, and then
(19:33):
I'm like, you only feel a motion for ninety seconds.
Stop rerunning that play in your head. Let's get on
a different neural pathway. And so once they know how
their brain works and how they can control the emotion,
then they're locked in. They can get into different zones
a lot faster.
Speaker 5 (19:47):
Hillary because I've learned a lot about breat breathing and
control so everything. Can you give us an example of something,
maybe you work with clients side of breathing technique.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, there's tons out there. There's chimney, breathing, box, breathing
for four, breathing. For me, the simplest thing. Instead of
getting caught up in all that, I say, I call
triple threat breathing one because it sounds fun and I
just to play basketball. So triple threat is we want
to be that way. But I just teach them three
three three. So inhaling for three seconds, holding for three seconds,
and exhaling for three seconds, and I tell them to
(20:17):
do that for three times in a row because the
importance of holding at the top. Why you want to hold,
it's teaching your body to hold tension and physiologically, when
we have stress, we get tension, and then it's allowing
you to relax and calm back down with that X
sale And so you're pre teaching your body how to
handle stress. And then when I tell them to do
it three times, they immediately will feel a shift. And
(20:39):
I'll always if I do it in a big group setting,
I'm like, hey, do we feel that, because there's there
is a shift in the room just by that three
cycle breath. And then I teach the athletes like, that
was twenty seven seconds of our time that we just
did right now, they might need to breathe for a
lot longer, and I'll tell them, hey, when you're practicing this,
you want to do it in a non stressful situation.
And I call the five minute mind. It's been five
(21:00):
minutes a day just sitting and breathing, and if you
do that for an entire week, you will change the
neural pathways in your brain. There's neuroscience behind it that
talks about the neural pathway changes by just having five
minutes a day and then when they're in a game
situation or if they're having road range even it's a
good example. I tell them if you get stressed, if
you're like late to a meeting and you're like, oh
the guy coming off, Like, all you need to do
(21:21):
is take one to three cycle preuss and you're good
to go. And now it's applicable and every day before
you go take a test, before you do a public speech,
before you go present in the big meeting, breathing is
your best friend.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Interesting, So it's that three three three, and then there's
that extra three because you're doing it three times, right.
What kind of transformation has that had in your life too?
When you started becoming more cognizant and learning the neuroscience behind.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
That, it's allowed me to slow down being someone who's
a go getter, highly driven, fast paced. I was a
multi sport athlete, collegiate athlete. I'm a high achiever. My
personality fits the profile of a lot of our lead athletes.
I've been an entrepreneur for a ten years of my life,
right five degrees, like all the things that just go
the next thing. I have four kids, like, he doesn't stop.
But when I learned to actually focus on this, the
(22:09):
world feels slower, and it feels like I'm in a
lot more control and I can actually think. It's almost
like the matrix. It sounds silly, but truly, if you
practice this, you're oh, where do I need to focus
my attention? Right now? I am in control of this.
I am calm, and it doesn't feel as regulated in
your body when you utilize the skills on a regular basis.
Speaker 5 (22:29):
Very powerful. Yeah, I want to delve a little bit
in the mental work, as I mentioned, And I'll give
you a quick story. So the best player I ever
had his senior season. We're in a semi final in
our postseason tournament and he got fouled with six seconds
to go on a three point attempt down three, and
he made all three and we won in overtime. And
I'll never forget because the reporter after the game, he
(22:51):
was in the locker room. I get over hear him say, Anthony,
what were you thinking me? He had to make all
three free throws and he says we had done so
many imageries sessions. I knew those were going in, so
I know that they really bought into our mental imagery sessions.
We did it before every game. But I'm curious, So
what do you try to work with your athletes on
some kind of mental preparation?
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Yeah, I think everyone comes in with different guy called
mental mapping. I kind of check in and say, hey,
is there a current issue you're working through, you want
to be a starter, you're having pre performance anxiety, whatever
their issue is. Then we map out their level of
mental skills and it always varies, but the core essence,
like we talked about emotional regulation, understanding their intention for
the day right, which leads to they've already tracked goals,
(23:33):
and I don't spend a lot of time on goal
charting for them and goal setting because they've all set
a goal. The thing for me is write down your goal,
put it on the board, and now we have to
have attention, like are we doing enough today? So a
lot of the times I'll do the man or the
woman in the mirror. Can you look yourself in the
eye at the end of the day and say I
did enough today? Then we'll work on if we're doing
true mental skills training, a lot of pre performance routines.
(23:55):
That part's pretty easy for my athletes. How do they
get themselves mentally ready and emotionally ready? Listen to music,
send an attention, do some breathing in the moment of performance.
I do a lot of reset mindset cues for them.
So this helps their focus, that helps them lock back in.
And so if they're getting frustrated, they all have a
grounding technique. Do they fix their ponytail, do they say
(24:15):
a word, do they touch their shorts? Do they have
a visual script written on their wrists that they can
look at. So there's a lot of in game time
resets for them. A lot of it is breathwork. A
lot of that is Mantra's self affirmations or that tactile grounding,
the one that a lot of people don't lean into.
And I spend a lot of time and is that
post performance routine the recovery phase on the physical side,
(24:36):
but then the mental reflection. So a lot of my
athletes will write down what did I do well today?
What do I need to improve on? It's still positive
driven versus the reflecting and a negatiwase, what do I
need to improve on and then what's my plan and
if they reflect on that aspect and now they can
release it and not hold on to a loss of
a game or hold on to a bad practice, and
then we've already set the intention for the next day.
(24:58):
And if they're really struggling, I like to have them
have a win of the day. Or gratitudes. This one
takes a lot of buy in because it seems hokey,
just like breathing you sup, and how everyone's on the
breathing train. But the gratitude journaling and gratitude chairs, people
are like, oh, I don't want to write these positive things.
I'm like, listen, science will tell you it works. You
just got to do it. So I try to get
(25:18):
creative with how they want to do it. Do they
want to put it on a post it note where
it's a gratitude? Do they share it around the dinner
table with each other? Do they share it as a team?
But releasing some positives and so those are some simple
cues for sure that are the mental game that just
are standard practice that these athletes do every single day,
And if you listen to it, it is every single day,
like three to five things that you're working on, which
(25:40):
is no different than the three to five things you
have to do physically, So it takes a lot of time.
If you're really going to elevate, it's a complete holistic
package to really be the best at this level.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I have to ask you this, doctor Coffin, because you
know a lot of changes have happened over the years
in sports, right, and being a female athlete yourself. We
see now women's basketball has really become more popular thanks
to some of the great stars right in the national
championship yesterday as we record this very high ratings, and
that's been more the norm lately, right, which is good.
(26:13):
But growing up, let's take you back to when you
were seven years old, and even for young girls today,
there's still I'm guessing, is are some more challenges for
young girls as opposed to young boys growing up pursuing sports.
Talk a little bit about some of the challenges and
even the potential traumas, even if there are many traumas
(26:34):
that young girls might have to navigate when young boys
don't necessarily have to go through them.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Yeah, there's a lot of ceilings that I even broke through,
and more before me, women were breaking through. It and
after me, women are going to be breaking through these ceilings, right,
because it's just a different dynamic. But a lot of
my role models, as I wish I could have said,
I had a lot of female athletes to aspire to,
but I had a lot of male athletes that I
was looking at and wanting to be like and pretinding
to be like, whether those based on the sport that
I played or not. Some greats I still had. Mia
(27:01):
Hamm was a phenomenal soccer player, and I was like, yeah,
we're all gonna be like me a ham Right, But
that's the female soccer player that no one could name
anyone else unless it's Brittany Chests Staying. And the only
reason why we can name her is because she ripped
her shirt off and celebration, which is what males do.
But because she was a female, it was like glorified
in this crazy way and sexualized and all this things
around it. And so when there was stuff, well, not
(27:23):
a lot of talk was about women, and if it
was about women, it was like in a more pretty
way or a nice way, or already wasn't in the
same context of physical aggression and assertion and how we
played the game and I specifically remember I was ten
and I was watching in this male teammate of mine.
He was a couple years ahead and he was steeplechasing,
And at the time, women couldn't steeplechase in college or
(27:45):
high school. It wasn't allowed until two thousands. And I
went into college in twousand and two, so like I
broke that ver. But I remember thinking the ten k
and the steeplechase women couldn't do. And I was a
young distance runner, and I was like, I want to
do those things. I'm gonna do what the men are doing.
Like I can't play football, can't I do the sport?
And there was just still these rules around what women,
we believe women's bodies were not able to do. And
(28:06):
I think uninvertently being coached in a male dominated world
of sport by male coaches not knowing the female body.
The research still is so limited on the female body.
It didn't shape me up to be the best athlete.
Like I didn't start lifting weights or understanding the foods
to intake for my body literally until like about two
years ago. Like I'm in my forty, a forty year
(28:27):
old woman not knowing how to lift or eat or
what's right for my body because it wasn't trained that way.
And imagine if we trained to the female body, we
can reduce the acl injuries. We could have strengthened the
components to allow me to be physically stronger and faster
knowing my body type. And the biggest one, which is traumatic,
that people never talk about the uniforms for women athletes.
(28:51):
We cannot have white shorts any longer or light gray shorts.
Females have mentoral cycles. And the embarrassment that comes as
a high school athlete when you randomly start your mental
cycle because we just can't prepare and you're in a game.
I remember being in a basketball game white shorts and
I started my cycle and I was like, oh my word,
(29:12):
and I had to run in at halftime try to
find a pair of shorts. You can't talk to your
male coach because he doesn't even can't even see the
word tamp on our pads. That's embarrassing to him. We
didn't have athletic trainers who had a bag that was there,
Like I'm searching through like lockers trying to find something,
and it seems so mundane. It's a simple thing that
every woman has to go through. And now these female
(29:33):
athletes start their mental cycle far earlier, like in middle school,
and so we have to have resources for how to
make sure they know where they can go for what
they need for them from a hygiene where their uniforms
are so they're not embarrassed with the whole school watching you.
And you're like, oh, like it's that was traumatic. Those
are instances that are everyday life things that impact you.
Speaker 5 (29:56):
It's a powerful Thanks thanks for sharing that. So you
mentioned you have four children, you're an entrepreneur. Yeah, help
us leaders because what do we call it? Work life balance? Integration?
I've heard all kinds of different words, but tell us
give some insight to help young leaders with when they're
balancing their work situation, especially if they're starting a business
(30:20):
as he was working with their family.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
How do you do it?
Speaker 5 (30:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
And I have four daughters, So that is another task
I had. Every time I say that I have four daughters,
one I am blessed. Like I wanted to have four children.
I knew that from the jump. As much as I
love my career and passion like I wanted to be
a mother, I'm thankful that I have a partner who
knew we were going to have four kids, even though
we wanted three's okay, we're in four. But he also
knew the driven and what I wanted to do for
(30:45):
my job. Being a business owner was not the initial plan,
but where the field was, no one wanted clinical sports
psychologists when I came out in twenty thirteen, and I
was able to just go do that, which is great.
I couldn't do it without a team, though, right without
my husband and I making sacrifices and choices. When you're
starting up a business, there's time away from the family, right,
(31:06):
there's time where we're passing ships. When I first started,
I remember I was going to see my clients in
the evenings, and I'd be at home with the kids
during the day, and then we'd rotate, right, so we
didn't really see each other until like we were sleeping
because he's working a nine to five and then he
gets the kids and that was crazy. And then I
would work evenings or weekends and trying to build up
the clientele, or i'd have another job. As I was
(31:27):
building a business, and we got to a point after
four we're like, okay, we need some help, so we
have an a pair who lives with us, which helps
us navigate the system. But this was the life that
we chose right. We knew the rooms we wanted to have.
We had a team plan together, and there's very important
things in our life beyond just work. Our families first
and what does the family values mean? And how do
we have family time? For me personally, I still work
(31:49):
out every single day. That's very essential, but I have
to communicate like when can I work out? When you
run your own business, the beautiful thing is you get
to schedule stuff, which is great for me. But I've
noticed over the eighteen years I've shifted now as my
kids got older that I'm gonna work two evenings late
and the other two evenings I'm not gonna work late. Right,
I'm gonna be able to be there for the kids
that I have to do. I'm going to rotate time.
(32:09):
I don't work weekends anymore. That's essential time for the family.
And so there's sacrifices and choices you make that allow
you to understand how does this ship work, how do
we navigate? And we're very intentional that we're going to
date at least once a month, which is not a lot,
but we're at least gonna have a date once a
month where we go out of the house. We take
family times together where we individualize our kids as well,
(32:31):
so we individual time, which is very important for them
to feel valued. We're busy. We choose to be busy though,
right and our the balance life doesn't mean sit and
rest for us, it's being balanced and filling my buckets
of where's my spirituality, where's the love and family and
social connection? Where's my personal quiet time? Where's my work time?
Are all of the buckets fueled? And can we navigate
(32:52):
and communicate? And then I think the biggest thing is
when we need to take a time out and say, hey,
I need to take a time out. Like the family knows.
My kids know what I'm getting overwhelmed, they know when
they need their own timeouts, and so we just take
space and we're like, I'm just gonna take five minutes,
and we all just take our cool downs when we
need to. But I think because a team, our family
team has a culture and a value and a system
(33:14):
that we believe in and we function through that together,
and I think that's what makes things work a little
bit easier for us.
Speaker 4 (33:19):
Wow, I'm sure you've taught your kids the triple threat
breathing techniques.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
Oh, we called a cool down breast when they were
little kiddos. I'm like, hey, you to take a cool
down breath because they're getting too hot and so they
know theyre breathe that. I was like, my eight year old,
she's my third, third kiddo in order. She is like
a mind one, this guru. She sits and she just
does her like breathing. She's mom, I just need to
feel the wind on my face. I'm like, I love you.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
This is amazing.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
So I love when I hear them get it right
or they tell their friends, you just take a deep
breath right now. It's like beautiful to me.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
The benefits of having somebody as a parent who is
an expert and that's so cool. And so when it
comes to family time and balancing those four kids with
all your professional work and everything that you do, what
kind of communication does that take as well in a
family too. When we think of leadership, we think of
teams and professional but we also have a personal life
(34:12):
that we are a leader in. We're a leader of
ourselfs and we're a leader in our family and our
personal relationships. What kind of communication does that take to
ensure that you're filling up all those buckets adequately?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Yeah, partly it's like our routines, but we're really big
on adaptability and flexibility. But every time that we have
stuff going on as my kids have gotten older, like
I was away for twelve days a month sometimes for
a sports team I was working for, and then I
stopped that and I had an opportunity for another team
to join, and I sat down with the kids. I said, Hey,
this is an opportunity for mom. Are we on board
(34:45):
or not? This is what it's going to look like.
Here's what I'm going to be gone. What do you think?
And they're like, yes, let's do it. We support you,
we support your dreams. Let's go do this, mom. But
everything's like a family discussion and a decision and a
plan because I want them to understand why am I
choosing to be away them, Like I'm choosing to be
away from my kids. What's my intent and why and
how do they still feel valued? Important? I have an
(35:06):
upcoming trip coming up this week and I'll be gone
for three days. And so my little five year old
was like, oh, Mom, I don't want you to leave.
And I'll stop and I'll say, Okay, let's talk about
why mommy's going, what am I doing over there, what's
my purpose and how does this help us as a family,
And then she'll get the bigger picture. And we talked
to them about finances, goals, work, what my work is about,
how this helps them, And I'm modeling to them that
(35:29):
I love them no matter where I am, and how
can we connect when I'm gone, and what makes them
feel special and what's changing in their life because their
routines are pretty much the same, just me not there,
and so they have a good understanding around that. And
days are hard, for sure, but it still is a
healthy balance. I was able to work through the mom
guilt because moms get a lot of guilt more than
the fathers, of being the one that left, and if
(35:52):
it was dad leaving, it would feel different and mom's
having a different emotional component. But I also tell them like,
Dad's an amazing dude that's helping you, and he's here,
You're great, you got everything you need, but call me
if you need me. And we found little tricks on
that way. But for me, I was able to say, now,
I'm setting a model for my children to know it's
okay to have your dreams, it's okay to do the
things you love as well and still come back and
(36:14):
be there for your kids.
Speaker 5 (36:17):
Yeah, it's a powerful thing. First of all, I have
one last question. I know, John Will I have something
as well, and we really appreciate your insights today, Hillary,
But you mentioned in your bio about personal development, and
you also mentioned which is something I always talk to
leaders about, is that you have to have energy and
that means you got to take care of yourself. And
I appreciate that you always find time to exercise because
(36:39):
that was one of the things that was one of
my first non negotiables. Exercises every day and my wife knows, av,
my son knows, my team knowsab my whatever. But with
that of mind, what do you do to grow yourself
and how do you work with your clients in helping
them with their own personal development?
Speaker 2 (36:57):
Yeah. So I'm really big on continuing learning and finding
new ways to learn, so I will read or audiobook
things outside of my specialty. I'm really important to want
to learn in different areas because I believe a lot
of it interdisprimilary care and so I want to understand
a lot of things in that way. I have a
constant consultation group that I check in with and consult
(37:19):
and then I try to attend one to two and
this is a recent thing, but I try to attend
one to two different professional development like seminars or conferences
or summits outside of my daily what I always go
to annually because I want to push myself and be uncomfortable.
It's really hard to go into a space when it's
not your domain and your comfort and knowing anyone and
(37:41):
trying to network and connect. So I want to get
that uncomfortable feeling. But then I want to learn and
I want to engage and connect and be a thought
leader outside of my box. So I'm always trying to
do those things. And then I constantly compete too, because
that helps me be relatable to the clients that I'm
working with and for the athletes to coming from me.
It's the same thing. We model a lot of things.
What way are they growing, how are their passions? How
(38:03):
do they take care of themselves? They're coming into work
with me as a psychologist and therapists for their own time,
so they're already getting that personal growth. But I expand
of how do they connect that to their life, how
do they apply those skills, and how do they reach
beyond what we're doing in our room that allows them
to fill those buckets and feel fulfilled.
Speaker 5 (38:21):
I got it. Just last question know for me it
dulve a little deeper. Is there a person female, male,
doesn't matter, that's either an author or someone you've heard
speak or has a great podcast, somebody that's your go
to person that you would recommend for our audience.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
I love Simon Sinek's stuff. I listen to a lot
of Simon Sinek. Ryan Holiday has really great books that
I've lean into. So those are two really great ones
my backup when I always have to go back to it.
The best book I got it when I was a
doctoral student. It's called The Tow of Pooh. So I'm
a huge Winny the Pooh fan. And this is based
on like Buddhism and martial arts and Taoism, and so
it connects that through Winny to the Pooh.
Speaker 4 (38:58):
So that's a great Bookdary, and it was as an
athlete to doctor Coffin. One of the challenges is continuing
that healthy lifestyle after being that competitive athlete, you say
you find ways to compete, and you also said that
you exercise every day and that's non negotiable for you too,
like coach, So talk a little bit about what you've
(39:20):
done since being a college athlete to stay healthy, to
even outside of that more rigid and structured environment of exercise,
to make that still a daily habit to continue, because
we see that a lot with athletes who now don't
have that structure and fall off.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I think it was it was really hard to transition
out of the competitive environment. And the write of passes
for distance runners is go run a marathon, and I
was like, cool. But the funny thing for me is
I hate running. I just love racing. So it's like
the funny thing like I put me on a track.
I love track running, but it's really hard, as you
can do some master track running, but it's not as
(39:58):
the same. So I did nine marathons, which was crazy.
I did this write a passage after every kid before
they turned on. I was going to run a marathon.
Not healthy. But I did all the things. And then
I went back into my roots of soccer, and so
I played a lot on women's and co ed's team
for soccer indoor and outdoor. I played on some women's
basketball teams, and it doesn't fulfilled me the same way
(40:18):
because those were all things that I was new and
natural about. And a year and a half to go
crazy thing I said, I never lifted, started lifting, and
this new fad of high rocks, if you've heard of it,
which is endurance crossfits like functional movements, like the new
takeover the hybrid athlete, and so it has this five
miles of running, but now there's like these strength components
of lifting you have to do and it's erace and
(40:39):
it's how fast you can do it. And I started
doing that and now I'm addicted. And you can do
it individually, you can do it with a partner, you
can do it with a mixed partner, you can do relays.
And so the community very much mirrors to me the
running community. It's very inclusive, everybody's welcome, they encourage you.
But it is the hardest competition I've ever done. It's
the hardest training I've ever done. And so that's exciting
(41:01):
to me is how good can I get at this
new thing?
Speaker 4 (41:05):
Wow? So cool? And so I'm imagining that you're also
when you say you're a pretty competitive person, it sounds
like are you also competitive with yourself too? And you
feel like that can be a benefit for athletes.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
One hundred percent, Where are worst critics? Every athlete that
I've ever met, every high achieving human is the worst critic,
has the most negative self talk in their heads. And
the one like we very started with actually really low
self confidence self belief. And so once you can work
through that and build up your self confidence and criticize
your way in a different way, I still want to
(41:38):
be the best. I also have a reality of where
am I coming from and what does my best look like?
And who am I performing for now? So I'm not
the best at this sport. But when I get a
huge pr I'm like, this is amazing. I just beat
my goal by four minutes. Let's celebrate. So rewarding when
you actually push yourself. And there's been days in the
gym where'm I hired a trainer so I have my
own coach because I know myself and I'm better if
I have someone pushing me. I'm frustrated, I'm mad, I
(42:01):
feel like a failure. I can't get out of it,
and I have to work really hard on all the
skills to get myself back on track and be like
that was just a day. Let's go have a better
day tomorrow or next week and understand I've leaned into
understanding the cycles of my body, the cycles of lifting,
knowing when I'm going to have good days and tire days,
and so that's really helpful. Education is a beautiful tool
(42:22):
when you learn about how your body mind works, and
then you're a little bit nicer to yourself.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Yeah, that's so true. Wow, it's a lot of good stuff.
And I know one thing that we can immediately take
away from this episode is that triple threat breathing method.
That and you mentioned something earlier. I know we got
a close but you said that your emotions only last
for ninety seconds.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Yeah, isn't that Crazy's.
Speaker 4 (42:45):
That is insane because you think that it's like the
number one thing is all this is going to last forever. Oh,
I'm terrible you We make like permanent judgments based on
temporary results, and so that breathing can get us back
to our baseline again. So much stuff that you've shared
with us, and I know there's so much more that
you could share too. So your book and then all
the other information. Where can we find out more about
(43:05):
your work?
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yeah, my book Hello Trauma or Visible Teammates on audible,
Amazon or Barnes and Noble, Doctor c Mindset at Instagram.
I'm actively in posting and educating there. I have a
podcast as well called The Highs and Lows of X's
and O's, So that's a fun thing that you can
tune into. And then my website has a lot of events.
We do a lot of Mastermind professional development at wwwtxopps
(43:28):
dot com and you know, fun fact for the leadership
for women leaders I have a Mastermind Women's Leadership event
in September. Women's only, very intimate professional development. So check
out that website, reach out to me DMS and find
out about that.
Speaker 4 (43:42):
There's lots of stuff going on. Doctor Hillary Coffin links
down in the show notes. Thanks so much for your
time today and for everything you shared with our young
emerging leaders.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3 (43:52):
Thank you for joining us this week at the Limitless
Leadership Lounge. To listen to this episode again and to
find previous episodes, check us out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
and Spreageer. You can also get in on the conversation,
find us on Facebook and Instagram, then tell three of
your friends to join it as well. Coach Numa and John.
We'll be back again next week for another try generational
(44:13):
leadership discussion. We'll talk to you then on the Limitless
Leadership Lounge
This podcast is a proud member of the Teach Better
podcast network, Better Today, Better Tomorrow, and the podcast to
get you there. You can find out more at Teachbetter
dot com slash podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
It is a standard of excellence and every player on
that team discuss the standard and the pushing and the
desire to drive and be your best set by their
head coach. So there was a strong leader present in
demanding what was their expectation and that wasn't going to falter.
And at the end of the day when it was
the final show, the quotes were just go play like
you need to play. If you play like you need
(00:33):
to play, we'll do our job. And so to me,
that's giving ownership now to the team to just play
their game. But it was set by a leader at first.
But intentional breathing allows you to get into a neiral
pathway and think differently and have more clarity and confidence
and creativity and processing all the things we want and
everything that we're trying to do. And once I teach
some little cues like that, they're like, oh, and then
(00:54):
I'm like, you only feel a motion for ninety seconds.
Stop rerunning that play in your head. Let's get on
a different noiral pathway. And so once they know how
their brain works and how they can control the emotion,
then they're locked in. They can get into different zones
a lot faster.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Do you want to be a leader in a constantly
changing world? Our emerging leaders look different, come from various
backgrounds and from all different age groups. Leadership is changing
and it's hard to keep up. But the good news
you can be a leader too. You can be an
e merging leader. Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge, a
(01:28):
try generational conversation for emerging leaders. Come spend some time
with us to discuss leadership from three angles. The coach
Jim Johnson, the professor, Doctor Renuma Kareem, the host, John Gering,
a monthly guest. And you get in on the conversation
on Facebook and Instagram, and be sure to follow us
(01:48):
on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Speaker. So come on in
and make yourself comfortable.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
It's another week inside the Limitless Leadership Lounge. I'm really
excited for our conversation this week. Jim Johnson and I
are back for another weekend. Hopefully you're enjoying your summer.
Hopefully you've had some fun activities planned to come up
later in the summer, but for now, we're excited to
hopefully share some leadership insights with you, like always, and
Coach is connected with our guests today and he's ready
(02:15):
to introduce her, so let's dive right in. Coach.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
Yeah, I had the pleasure to speak to doctor Hillary
Coffin on the zoom and we're really excited to have her,
so let me just share a little information about her
and welcome to the show. Doctor Hillary Coughin has been
involved in athletics since the age of four. Her education
began with a focus in sports psychology. Doctor Coughin strongly
believes in the practice of embracing personal growth, enhancing performance,
(02:42):
enriching one passion for athletic and professional endeavors. Doctor Coughin
is the founder of the Texas Optimal Performance and Psychological Services.
Her work with high performance is breaking down stigma across communities,
which is highlighted in her book Hello Trauma. Visible. Teammate.
Doctor Corton is over seventeen years of experience working in
(03:04):
the field of sport and performance psychology. Doctor Carthin is
currently a licensed psychologist in the state of Texas.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
She is a.
Speaker 5 (03:12):
Certified Mental Performance Consultant. Without any further ado do Doctor Hillary,
Welcome to the Limitless Leadership Lounge.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Thank you so much so.
Speaker 5 (03:24):
We're looking forward to being a high school basketball coach
for a long time. I know one of the things
I share with young coaches is the fact that we
spend a lot of time the second half of my
career working on the mental piece as well as the
physical piece. So as I know, right up your ally,
I'm going to start with a question that would be
not only for an athlete people in the leadership. We
(03:44):
often see and I know I ran into this a
lot myself and working with young people. Is that somebody
that's pretty talented, whether they're an athlete or a leader
or whatever, but loses their confidence. Tell us what you
do to try to help that person game back that
fleeting word confidence?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah, I think I first start with educating them on
the term of confidence. For me, I specifically say it's situational,
it's gonna ebb and flow. But truly what we need
to look at is like your self belief And I
always say, what's your belief bucket? And do we have
evidence to prove that we are capable of doing the
things that we want to do, and can we fill
that belief bucket with small wins, And once the belief
(04:25):
bucket is strong, I say, okay, now we just have
to look at this situation and explore what's causing you
to feel insecure and that that you feel you perceived
you lost confidence. And then once they feel they have
ownership over that and they're like, no, I believe I'm
really good at this. I just have some game day
nerves or I am fearing this failure, this evaluation of
becoming presentation, then we can really hone in on the
(04:47):
real skills to lock them through it, and their confidence
will rise after they continue to look at that belief
and say, no, I've done this time and time again,
here's the evidence of my success, and here's what it's
going to be like if I go in and complete
this task.
Speaker 4 (05:00):
And how does athletic confidence transfer into the business world,
the professional world, even the world of personal life as
an adult.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, I think with athletics because it is so based
on wins and losses and it's about your performance, and
ideally the athletes will experience some former success more likely
than they will experience a game of losing all the time.
They gain this sense of ownership because of the skill acquisition,
the confidence and the winning, the camaraderie, team cohesion that
all builds the self esteem and self worth in these
(05:32):
life lessons that we know, Fortune five hundred companies and
other domains really are excited by athletes, and we welcome
that we chair so that we have already identified athletes
as having a certain type of skills that are acquired
that are favorable and high performing pressure situation. So it
gives them a little step up that we're socializing them
(05:53):
already to believe they're really great at things and that
they can transition into these venues already, I would say
caveat we have to teach them as well, because it's
not as easy as you just jump right in and
you go be successful in the business world. But there
is a sense of being in high performing situations learning
how to work through communication and problem solving that is
very advantageous for life and business endeavors.
Speaker 5 (06:16):
Very interesting. Obviously, spent a long time working with high
school basketball teams, but because I do a lot of
speaking now to both the athletic teams and a lot
of businesses, and I'm curious because I know you have
as well worked with various teams. What if you found,
can you give us two or three key ingredients that
you've found the difference between teams that achieve very well,
(06:40):
whether it's on the athletic field or court or on
the business world as opposed to the teams that seem
to flounder.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
It really does start with this essence of culture. There
has to be a belief that's bigger than the task
at hand. Right, you have to be working towards something
greater than just simply dribbling the basketball. Right, you have
to believe in the mission. And if there's a core
foundation of cultural pillars that everyone can believe in and
they know this is the standard of excellence, this is
the expectations, and this is what I have to buy
(07:08):
into to be successful, and then have that role clarity
within that where everyone has a purpose. When you give
everyone a purpose, whether you're the leading star or you're
a manager on the team, and you value everyone at
that same level, you will see loads of enhancement where
people want to show up, they want to be appreciated,
they're connected, they have value, and they're going to work
harder for everyone around them. Because there's something bigger than
(07:31):
just that one person who's the star.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
It always fascinates me that you have talented teams, You
have really talented teams, and you look at both the
men's and women's basketball tournaments even just this past year,
and a team like Yukon who ends up winning the
championship game and their head coach, Gina rim Right, who's
won twelve championships, and obviously you have a ridiculous amount
(07:54):
of talent throughout the country and other teams too who
they are going through and sometimes beating significantly like they'd
beat down Staley in South Carolina yesterday. What separates the
good from the great or the talented from the talented
and also ridiculously successful.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yeah, I think it's looking at specifically the basketball program
with Yukon. I think that story was written. We could
all see it, whether the press advocated for that and
socialized that story with Paige and what a storybook ending
for her career. And but Yukon has had values, has
head standards, has had significant success. The winning is coach
in women's basketball, right, twelve national championships, and you went
(08:33):
eleven out of the twelve times you've been there. Twenty
four final fours. He was going up an extreme competitor
who's already creating a dynasty and legacy in her program
and dominated. Now there was a shift. If you go
back and watch all of the women's tournament, Yukon was
destined to when they weren't coming back. They were in
full belief of their mission and passion. And it was
(08:54):
not one star player. There was multiple players, There was
multiple rotations. There was a belief in what they wanted
to do and they were going to find a way
no matter what. And I think rising to that momentum
and that belief, I think anyone watched you would know
they were going to win. I don't think that anyone
planned to see the peer domination. That was a very
ridiculous score and blowout, but it wasn't one star player,
(09:15):
and their star player didn't have a forty point game
like they did three games before, had twelve points. So
I think, to me, these championship teams, it is not
one person, it can never be one person, but it
is a standard of excellence, and every player on that
team discussed the standard and the pushing and the desire
to drive and be your best set by their head coach.
So there was a strong leader present in demanding what
(09:38):
was their expectation and that wasn't going to falter. And
at the end of the day when it was the
final show, the quotes were just go play like you
need to play. If you play like you need to play,
we'll do our job. And so to me, that's giving
ownership now to the team to just play their game.
But it was set by a leader at first.
Speaker 5 (09:55):
Tell us, I know you have a new book coming out,
So tell us about the books called Hello, Our Invisible Teammate.
Tell us what the reader is going to find from
reading this book, and maybe even illustrate a story that
you have in the book.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, the book came out December first of twenty twenty three.
Though it's an exciting book, it's uses sport as a
microcosm of society and there of storytelling. But you do
not have to be an athlete. You can be an
organizational leader. There's two parts about this book, and it
was written partly because as much as I love the
passion of sport, can be really toxic and be really
traumatic and be really detrimental to athletes' mental health, which
(10:34):
is my specialty. And so I wanted to be able
to highlight and give a voice to those that really
don't speak out, didn't know how to speak out, couldn't
make meaning of experience as they went through, and I
wanted to be like, hey, this book will help you
feel seen and heard. And for those that maybe feel
like they've never experienced trauma, which is not true, they're
(10:54):
going to actually now be able to relate to people
who have, because we know seventy percent of US Americans
have reported some expert of trauma. And for me, I
also redefine the meaning of trauma because it's the very
pop culture right now, this big tea little tea, and
I just say, hey, trauma is stubbing your toe. Trauma
is witnessing a car accident. It's a biological, physiological response.
(11:14):
And so I really break down this aspect of trauma,
take you through what a victim of trauma experiences, very
simone to grief and loss, but it's the stages of trauma.
And then you spore as a microcosm call to action
where I'm saying like, hey, if we don't get this right,
you're reinforcing trauma to exist in any organization. And so
(11:34):
then I give a step by step god on how
to work through stuff. But the stories in it, the
first twelve chapters are very emotionally experienced, as they start
and end with a journal entry that draws you in
and helps you feel what that emotional experience is, and
then it breaks that down psychologically and then ends again
with another emotional hook. So you keep this fuel aspect
to really connect with someone that might go through something.
Speaker 4 (11:58):
Doctor Hillary Coffin joins it, so, how about a time
in your life, and maybe it could be something as
simple as right stubbing a toe or something bigger. What
was a trauma that you went through that that inspired
you to recognize some of the benefits and potential opportunities
that lie within trauma.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I have two different experiences. One is like first myself
as an athlete, right which looking back, you don't realize
that this is traumatic or what this is doing for you,
But it really did shape the trajectory of how I've
you'd sport, how I showed up in places, and how
it really was detrimental to my confidence. And it started
at age of seven. I was a track and field
athlete at four multi sport and soccer, and I went
on vacation with my parents, like a normal seven year
(12:39):
old kid would do in the summertime. And I remember
coming back and I had lost my spot on the
four by four team, and I was like devastated to
find out that I wasn't going to run on a
four y fourteen. And if you're a track athlete, the
four by four is the last event of a track meet.
It's the biggest thing everyone watches. It's like pride to
be a part of that. And my coach and I
was like, coach, this isn't fair, Like I'm one of
the best in our age group, of our eight and
(13:00):
under kids. If there was like, why are you not
letting me be on this team just because I went
on vacation, And you have to show dedication and commitment,
and I'm like okay, and so he goes, if you
want to earn your spot back, you have to challenge
a person on that relay team and run a four
hundred in front of all of us before practice. And
when I say all of us, it was like five
year olds up to eighteen year olds, right, So I
(13:23):
had to have the entire team said on the bleachers
and challenge another seven year old to go run in
front of everyone, and of course I did because I
wanted to be on the four by fourteen. But I
remember thinking like, this is a time in my life
to choose what I want. But I could fail miserably
in front of everyone, or I could get my thing.
But then what's I going to do to my teammates.
What are they going to experience because now I've earned
(13:44):
a spot and they wanted to be on the spot,
and now we have this social conflict. At the age
of seven, I did challenge her, I did win, and
it was traumatic for this, like social comment, I was
so nervous, so afraid to fail that then it set
me up for the next parts of my life life
of you can't fail, you have to perform always, you
have to be your best, you can't take time off,
you can't go on vacation with your family, which is
(14:07):
crazy standards at the age of seven to start believing in.
And that was just one example that there was other
examples I have of college running. I ran in college
and sitting in the hallway where your coach comes down
and says, what you're going to do that day and
what was your mileage of the day before how fast
you ran, and if you're not running well, complete ignoring you,
no eye contact, no calling you by your name, like,
(14:29):
no acknowledgment as if you even exist, and there could
be weeks on end that you just show up, sit
in the hallway and get clumped together with a couple
other girls like, oh, you three, go do this. And
the isolation and loneliness you feel by not being recognized
by a coach when all you're doing, even if you
want to perform for yourself, is perform for your coaches,
like to think that you're doing a great job to
(14:51):
have your coach value you. That is really hard to
work through.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
Wow, and what did you learn from there? Did you
try to now help people that are in leadership? But
because I know I've coached a long time, so I'm
sure I hid my issues where I neglected a player
or something and something I think I became more cognizant of.
But tell me what you learned and how you share
that today.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
Yeah, it's a lot of the time. I try to
think of both sides of the coin.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
It's easy for me to work with the athletes individually
and have them find ownership and work through stuff. What
I also try to do. And what's missing is a
lot of coach education. We spend a lot of time
on coaching the athletes and we're not coaching the coaches.
And so for me, I'm like, let me if I'm
going to fix a system, I have to work at
all parts of the system trying to coach coaches, try
to have them understand their Everyone has an intent to
(15:39):
want to help, but when it comes into wins and losses,
and in some cases their job is relying on the
wins or losses, there's a lot of pressure in the
coaches domain as well, and so I have to empathize
in that factor and acknowledge that coaches coach the way
they've coached. And we have bracket and morality that we
allow things to exist in sport that we would not
allow in other societies, that we would say that's not okay.
(16:01):
Like I had a clipboard thrown at me in high
school basketball right by a coach. You can't throw A
teacher can't throw a clipboard at a kid in the
classroom right Like, it just doesn't align and we would
have an upward But in a sport we allow it.
We're like, we're allowing it less. We see things not
happening as much, but not to the level that we
need to have happen. And so partly it's learned behavior
from coaches that need to change, and there has to
(16:23):
be a disruption and there has to be sanctions, But
there also has to be a standard of coach education
and at different levels. Not every rec level has to
have a certain license or education to coach. Can be
a volunteer parent, and that's a whole different world that
you're battling with when you have a volunteer parent and
you're not sure what their level expertise is, what they're
able to do. So then I also have to coach
(16:45):
my parents to say, have you vetted out the coach
and the organization you're joining, Do you know the standard
of coaching education? Do you know what expectations you're expecting
what you're putting your child into. If you put them
in a rec level that doesn't require background checks and
no coach education, you're not going to go win the
Little World Series Like it's not gonna happen. And so
there's a lot of education that still has to exist
(17:06):
as well as a lot of standards of coach education
and sanctions to limit some of these behaviors.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
I just couldn't help but imagine Bob Knight throwing that
chair right, one of my icon Jim Beheim ripping off
that jacket and that iconic picture moment. Yet, but you're
so true and we laugh about that, and it is
just part of sports legacy across all sports and across
men's and women's sports. But at the same time, there
(17:33):
are so many leaders who are able to exert authority
yet also be more mild mannered and be calmer under pressure.
What mindset does it take to have that confidence and
what you need in sport to succeed, yet also have
the wherewithal and the self control not to totally lose
(17:56):
your mind and potentially either put someone else in arms,
weigh or just make a fool out of yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Yeah, there's so many core mental skills. Back when I
first started, I would have said this was the most important,
But now what I truly believe is an emotional regulation.
The ability to understand your emotions and regulate them at
certain levels. And there's times where you have to be
amped up, and there's times that you have to be
super calm, And it's a barometer right and use this
as like the best analogies. What speed are you going? Right?
(18:26):
When can you get into cruise control and cruise controls?
Like when everything's inflow state, we don't even have to think.
It's just working for us. And so it comes down
to a lot of self awareness for the athlete and
for the athlete to really tap in and say, Okay,
I know the technical play. I know how to physically
work and train my body and recover, but now can
I tap into that emotional component? Can I learn how
to regulate? Can I do some mindfulness activities and breathing?
(18:49):
And you have to teach both sides of it. It's
not just be calm. I also have to teach people
how do they amp up? How do they get excited?
How do they manage momentum? And if you have someone
coach or an athlete able to be grounded and take
a breath and be present and figure out the situation,
you're going to come back to have much more clarity
and confidence and decision making. And for me, it's teaching
(19:11):
them breath. You're breathing is the essential skill that regulates everything.
Intentional breathing. We naturally breathe all the time out thinking,
but intentional breathing allows you to get into a neural
pathway and think differently and have more clarity and confidence
and creativity and processing all the things we want and
everything that we're trying to do. And once I teach
them little cues like that, they're like, oh, and then
(19:33):
I'm like, you only feel a motion for ninety seconds.
Stop rerunning that play in your head. Let's get on
a different neural pathway. And so once they know how
their brain works and how they can control the emotion,
then they're locked in. They can get into different zones
a lot faster.
Speaker 5 (19:47):
Hillary because I've learned a lot about breat breathing and
control so everything. Can you give us an example of something,
maybe you work with clients side of breathing technique.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, there's tons out there. There's chimney, breathing, box, breathing
for four, breathing. For me, the simplest thing. Instead of
getting caught up in all that, I say, I call
triple threat breathing one because it sounds fun and I
just to play basketball. So triple threat is we want
to be that way. But I just teach them three
three three. So inhaling for three seconds, holding for three seconds,
and exhaling for three seconds, and I tell them to
(20:17):
do that for three times in a row because the
importance of holding at the top. Why you want to hold,
it's teaching your body to hold tension and physiologically, when
we have stress, we get tension, and then it's allowing
you to relax and calm back down with that X
sale And so you're pre teaching your body how to
handle stress. And then when I tell them to do
it three times, they immediately will feel a shift. And
(20:39):
I'll always if I do it in a big group setting,
I'm like, hey, do we feel that, because there's there
is a shift in the room just by that three
cycle breath. And then I teach the athletes like, that
was twenty seven seconds of our time that we just
did right now, they might need to breathe for a
lot longer, and I'll tell them, hey, when you're practicing this,
you want to do it in a non stressful situation.
And I call the five minute mind. It's been five
(21:00):
minutes a day just sitting and breathing, and if you
do that for an entire week, you will change the
neural pathways in your brain. There's neuroscience behind it that
talks about the neural pathway changes by just having five
minutes a day and then when they're in a game
situation or if they're having road range even it's a
good example. I tell them if you get stressed, if
you're like late to a meeting and you're like, oh
the guy coming off, Like, all you need to do
(21:21):
is take one to three cycle preuss and you're good
to go. And now it's applicable and every day before
you go take a test, before you do a public speech,
before you go present in the big meeting, breathing is
your best friend.
Speaker 4 (21:33):
Interesting, So it's that three three three, and then there's
that extra three because you're doing it three times, right.
What kind of transformation has that had in your life too?
When you started becoming more cognizant and learning the neuroscience behind.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
That, it's allowed me to slow down being someone who's
a go getter, highly driven, fast paced. I was a
multi sport athlete, collegiate athlete. I'm a high achiever. My
personality fits the profile of a lot of our lead athletes.
I've been an entrepreneur for a ten years of my life,
right five degrees, like all the things that just go
the next thing. I have four kids, like, he doesn't stop.
But when I learned to actually focus on this, the
(22:09):
world feels slower, and it feels like I'm in a
lot more control and I can actually think. It's almost
like the matrix. It sounds silly, but truly, if you
practice this, you're oh, where do I need to focus
my attention? Right now? I am in control of this.
I am calm, and it doesn't feel as regulated in
your body when you utilize the skills on a regular basis.
Speaker 5 (22:29):
Very powerful. Yeah, I want to delve a little bit
in the mental work, as I mentioned, And I'll give
you a quick story. So the best player I ever
had his senior season. We're in a semi final in
our postseason tournament and he got fouled with six seconds
to go on a three point attempt down three, and
he made all three and we won in overtime. And
I'll never forget because the reporter after the game, he
(22:51):
was in the locker room. I get over hear him say, Anthony,
what were you thinking me? He had to make all
three free throws and he says we had done so
many imageries sessions. I knew those were going in, so
I know that they really bought into our mental imagery sessions.
We did it before every game. But I'm curious, So
what do you try to work with your athletes on
some kind of mental preparation?
Speaker 3 (23:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Yeah, I think everyone comes in with different guy called
mental mapping. I kind of check in and say, hey,
is there a current issue you're working through, you want
to be a starter, you're having pre performance anxiety, whatever
their issue is. Then we map out their level of
mental skills and it always varies, but the core essence,
like we talked about emotional regulation, understanding their intention for
the day right, which leads to they've already tracked goals,
(23:33):
and I don't spend a lot of time on goal
charting for them and goal setting because they've all set
a goal. The thing for me is write down your goal,
put it on the board, and now we have to
have attention, like are we doing enough today? So a
lot of the times I'll do the man or the
woman in the mirror. Can you look yourself in the
eye at the end of the day and say I
did enough today? Then we'll work on if we're doing
true mental skills training, a lot of pre performance routines.
(23:55):
That part's pretty easy for my athletes. How do they
get themselves mentally ready and emotionally ready? Listen to music,
send an attention, do some breathing in the moment of performance.
I do a lot of reset mindset cues for them.
So this helps their focus, that helps them lock back in.
And so if they're getting frustrated, they all have a
grounding technique. Do they fix their ponytail, do they say
(24:15):
a word, do they touch their shorts? Do they have
a visual script written on their wrists that they can
look at. So there's a lot of in game time
resets for them. A lot of it is breathwork. A
lot of that is Mantra's self affirmations or that tactile grounding,
the one that a lot of people don't lean into.
And I spend a lot of time and is that
post performance routine the recovery phase on the physical side,
(24:36):
but then the mental reflection. So a lot of my
athletes will write down what did I do well today?
What do I need to improve on? It's still positive
driven versus the reflecting and a negatiwase, what do I
need to improve on and then what's my plan and
if they reflect on that aspect and now they can
release it and not hold on to a loss of
a game or hold on to a bad practice, and
then we've already set the intention for the next day.
(24:58):
And if they're really struggling, I like to have them
have a win of the day. Or gratitudes. This one
takes a lot of buy in because it seems hokey,
just like breathing you sup, and how everyone's on the
breathing train. But the gratitude journaling and gratitude chairs, people
are like, oh, I don't want to write these positive things.
I'm like, listen, science will tell you it works. You
just got to do it. So I try to get
(25:18):
creative with how they want to do it. Do they
want to put it on a post it note where
it's a gratitude? Do they share it around the dinner
table with each other? Do they share it as a team?
But releasing some positives and so those are some simple
cues for sure that are the mental game that just
are standard practice that these athletes do every single day,
And if you listen to it, it is every single day,
like three to five things that you're working on, which
(25:40):
is no different than the three to five things you
have to do physically, So it takes a lot of time.
If you're really going to elevate, it's a complete holistic
package to really be the best at this level.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I have to ask you this, doctor Coffin, because you
know a lot of changes have happened over the years
in sports, right, and being a female athlete yourself. We
see now women's basketball has really become more popular thanks
to some of the great stars right in the national
championship yesterday as we record this very high ratings, and
that's been more the norm lately, right, which is good.
(26:13):
But growing up, let's take you back to when you
were seven years old, and even for young girls today,
there's still I'm guessing, is are some more challenges for
young girls as opposed to young boys growing up pursuing sports.
Talk a little bit about some of the challenges and
even the potential traumas, even if there are many traumas
(26:34):
that young girls might have to navigate when young boys
don't necessarily have to go through them.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
Yeah, there's a lot of ceilings that I even broke through,
and more before me, women were breaking through. It and
after me, women are going to be breaking through these ceilings, right,
because it's just a different dynamic. But a lot of
my role models, as I wish I could have said,
I had a lot of female athletes to aspire to,
but I had a lot of male athletes that I
was looking at and wanting to be like and pretinding
to be like, whether those based on the sport that
I played or not. Some greats I still had. Mia
(27:01):
Hamm was a phenomenal soccer player, and I was like, yeah,
we're all gonna be like me a ham Right, But
that's the female soccer player that no one could name
anyone else unless it's Brittany Chests Staying. And the only
reason why we can name her is because she ripped
her shirt off and celebration, which is what males do.
But because she was a female, it was like glorified
in this crazy way and sexualized and all this things
around it. And so when there was stuff, well, not
(27:23):
a lot of talk was about women, and if it
was about women, it was like in a more pretty
way or a nice way, or already wasn't in the
same context of physical aggression and assertion and how we
played the game and I specifically remember I was ten
and I was watching in this male teammate of mine.
He was a couple years ahead and he was steeplechasing,
And at the time, women couldn't steeplechase in college or
(27:45):
high school. It wasn't allowed until two thousands. And I
went into college in twousand and two, so like I
broke that ver. But I remember thinking the ten k
and the steeplechase women couldn't do. And I was a
young distance runner, and I was like, I want to
do those things. I'm gonna do what the men are doing.
Like I can't play football, can't I do the sport?
And there was just still these rules around what women,
we believe women's bodies were not able to do. And
(28:06):
I think uninvertently being coached in a male dominated world
of sport by male coaches not knowing the female body.
The research still is so limited on the female body.
It didn't shape me up to be the best athlete.
Like I didn't start lifting weights or understanding the foods
to intake for my body literally until like about two
years ago. Like I'm in my forty, a forty year
(28:27):
old woman not knowing how to lift or eat or
what's right for my body because it wasn't trained that way.
And imagine if we trained to the female body, we
can reduce the acl injuries. We could have strengthened the
components to allow me to be physically stronger and faster
knowing my body type. And the biggest one, which is traumatic,
that people never talk about the uniforms for women athletes.
(28:51):
We cannot have white shorts any longer or light gray shorts.
Females have mentoral cycles. And the embarrassment that comes as
a high school athlete when you randomly start your mental
cycle because we just can't prepare and you're in a game.
I remember being in a basketball game white shorts and
I started my cycle and I was like, oh my word,
(29:12):
and I had to run in at halftime try to
find a pair of shorts. You can't talk to your
male coach because he doesn't even can't even see the
word tamp on our pads. That's embarrassing to him. We
didn't have athletic trainers who had a bag that was there,
Like I'm searching through like lockers trying to find something,
and it seems so mundane. It's a simple thing that
every woman has to go through. And now these female
(29:33):
athletes start their mental cycle far earlier, like in middle school,
and so we have to have resources for how to
make sure they know where they can go for what
they need for them from a hygiene where their uniforms
are so they're not embarrassed with the whole school watching you.
And you're like, oh, like it's that was traumatic. Those
are instances that are everyday life things that impact you.
Speaker 5 (29:56):
It's a powerful Thanks thanks for sharing that. So you
mentioned you have four children, you're an entrepreneur. Yeah, help
us leaders because what do we call it? Work life balance? Integration?
I've heard all kinds of different words, but tell us
give some insight to help young leaders with when they're
balancing their work situation, especially if they're starting a business
(30:20):
as he was working with their family.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
How do you do it?
Speaker 5 (30:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
And I have four daughters, So that is another task
I had. Every time I say that I have four daughters,
one I am blessed. Like I wanted to have four children.
I knew that from the jump. As much as I
love my career and passion like I wanted to be
a mother, I'm thankful that I have a partner who
knew we were going to have four kids, even though
we wanted three's okay, we're in four. But he also
knew the driven and what I wanted to do for
(30:45):
my job. Being a business owner was not the initial plan,
but where the field was, no one wanted clinical sports
psychologists when I came out in twenty thirteen, and I
was able to just go do that, which is great.
I couldn't do it without a team, though, right without
my husband and I making sacrifices and choices. When you're
starting up a business, there's time away from the family, right,
(31:06):
there's time where we're passing ships. When I first started,
I remember I was going to see my clients in
the evenings, and I'd be at home with the kids
during the day, and then we'd rotate, right, so we
didn't really see each other until like we were sleeping
because he's working a nine to five and then he
gets the kids and that was crazy. And then I
would work evenings or weekends and trying to build up
the clientele, or i'd have another job. As I was
(31:27):
building a business, and we got to a point after
four we're like, okay, we need some help, so we
have an a pair who lives with us, which helps
us navigate the system. But this was the life that
we chose right. We knew the rooms we wanted to have.
We had a team plan together, and there's very important
things in our life beyond just work. Our families first
and what does the family values mean? And how do
we have family time? For me personally, I still work
(31:49):
out every single day. That's very essential, but I have
to communicate like when can I work out? When you
run your own business, the beautiful thing is you get
to schedule stuff, which is great for me. But I've
noticed over the eighteen years I've shifted now as my
kids got older that I'm gonna work two evenings late
and the other two evenings I'm not gonna work late. Right,
I'm gonna be able to be there for the kids
that I have to do. I'm going to rotate time.
(32:09):
I don't work weekends anymore. That's essential time for the family.
And so there's sacrifices and choices you make that allow
you to understand how does this ship work, how do
we navigate? And we're very intentional that we're going to
date at least once a month, which is not a lot,
but we're at least gonna have a date once a
month where we go out of the house. We take
family times together where we individualize our kids as well,
(32:31):
so we individual time, which is very important for them
to feel valued. We're busy. We choose to be busy though,
right and our the balance life doesn't mean sit and
rest for us, it's being balanced and filling my buckets
of where's my spirituality, where's the love and family and
social connection? Where's my personal quiet time? Where's my work time?
Are all of the buckets fueled? And can we navigate
(32:52):
and communicate? And then I think the biggest thing is
when we need to take a time out and say, hey,
I need to take a time out. Like the family knows.
My kids know what I'm getting overwhelmed, they know when
they need their own timeouts, and so we just take
space and we're like, I'm just gonna take five minutes,
and we all just take our cool downs when we
need to. But I think because a team, our family
team has a culture and a value and a system
(33:14):
that we believe in and we function through that together,
and I think that's what makes things work a little
bit easier for us.
Speaker 4 (33:19):
Wow, I'm sure you've taught your kids the triple threat
breathing techniques.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
Oh, we called a cool down breast when they were
little kiddos. I'm like, hey, you to take a cool
down breath because they're getting too hot and so they
know theyre breathe that. I was like, my eight year old,
she's my third, third kiddo in order. She is like
a mind one, this guru. She sits and she just
does her like breathing. She's mom, I just need to
feel the wind on my face. I'm like, I love you.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
This is amazing.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
So I love when I hear them get it right
or they tell their friends, you just take a deep
breath right now. It's like beautiful to me.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
The benefits of having somebody as a parent who is
an expert and that's so cool. And so when it
comes to family time and balancing those four kids with
all your professional work and everything that you do, what
kind of communication does that take as well in a
family too. When we think of leadership, we think of
teams and professional but we also have a personal life
(34:12):
that we are a leader in. We're a leader of
ourselfs and we're a leader in our family and our
personal relationships. What kind of communication does that take to
ensure that you're filling up all those buckets adequately?
Speaker 2 (34:24):
Yeah, partly it's like our routines, but we're really big
on adaptability and flexibility. But every time that we have
stuff going on as my kids have gotten older, like
I was away for twelve days a month sometimes for
a sports team I was working for, and then I
stopped that and I had an opportunity for another team
to join, and I sat down with the kids. I said, Hey,
this is an opportunity for mom. Are we on board
(34:45):
or not? This is what it's going to look like.
Here's what I'm going to be gone. What do you think?
And they're like, yes, let's do it. We support you,
we support your dreams. Let's go do this, mom. But
everything's like a family discussion and a decision and a
plan because I want them to understand why am I
choosing to be away them, Like I'm choosing to be
away from my kids. What's my intent and why and
how do they still feel valued? Important? I have an
(35:06):
upcoming trip coming up this week and I'll be gone
for three days. And so my little five year old
was like, oh, Mom, I don't want you to leave.
And I'll stop and I'll say, Okay, let's talk about
why mommy's going, what am I doing over there, what's
my purpose and how does this help us as a family,
And then she'll get the bigger picture. And we talked
to them about finances, goals, work, what my work is about,
how this helps them, And I'm modeling to them that
(35:29):
I love them no matter where I am, and how
can we connect when I'm gone, and what makes them
feel special and what's changing in their life because their
routines are pretty much the same, just me not there,
and so they have a good understanding around that. And
days are hard, for sure, but it still is a
healthy balance. I was able to work through the mom
guilt because moms get a lot of guilt more than
the fathers, of being the one that left, and if
(35:52):
it was dad leaving, it would feel different and mom's
having a different emotional component. But I also tell them like,
Dad's an amazing dude that's helping you, and he's here,
You're great, you got everything you need, but call me
if you need me. And we found little tricks on
that way. But for me, I was able to say, now,
I'm setting a model for my children to know it's
okay to have your dreams, it's okay to do the
things you love as well and still come back and
(36:14):
be there for your kids.
Speaker 5 (36:17):
Yeah, it's a powerful thing. First of all, I have
one last question. I know, John Will I have something
as well, and we really appreciate your insights today, Hillary,
But you mentioned in your bio about personal development, and
you also mentioned which is something I always talk to
leaders about, is that you have to have energy and
that means you got to take care of yourself. And
I appreciate that you always find time to exercise because
(36:39):
that was one of the things that was one of
my first non negotiables. Exercises every day and my wife knows, av,
my son knows, my team knowsab my whatever. But with
that of mind, what do you do to grow yourself
and how do you work with your clients in helping
them with their own personal development?
Speaker 2 (36:57):
Yeah. So I'm really big on continuing learning and finding
new ways to learn, so I will read or audiobook
things outside of my specialty. I'm really important to want
to learn in different areas because I believe a lot
of it interdisprimilary care and so I want to understand
a lot of things in that way. I have a
constant consultation group that I check in with and consult
(37:19):
and then I try to attend one to two and
this is a recent thing, but I try to attend
one to two different professional development like seminars or conferences
or summits outside of my daily what I always go
to annually because I want to push myself and be uncomfortable.
It's really hard to go into a space when it's
not your domain and your comfort and knowing anyone and
(37:41):
trying to network and connect. So I want to get
that uncomfortable feeling. But then I want to learn and
I want to engage and connect and be a thought
leader outside of my box. So I'm always trying to
do those things. And then I constantly compete too, because
that helps me be relatable to the clients that I'm
working with and for the athletes to coming from me.
It's the same thing. We model a lot of things.
What way are they growing, how are their passions? How
(38:03):
do they take care of themselves? They're coming into work
with me as a psychologist and therapists for their own time,
so they're already getting that personal growth. But I expand
of how do they connect that to their life, how
do they apply those skills, and how do they reach
beyond what we're doing in our room that allows them
to fill those buckets and feel fulfilled.
Speaker 5 (38:21):
I got it. Just last question know for me it
dulve a little deeper. Is there a person female, male,
doesn't matter, that's either an author or someone you've heard
speak or has a great podcast, somebody that's your go
to person that you would recommend for our audience.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
I love Simon Sinek's stuff. I listen to a lot
of Simon Sinek. Ryan Holiday has really great books that
I've lean into. So those are two really great ones
my backup when I always have to go back to it.
The best book I got it when I was a
doctoral student. It's called The Tow of Pooh. So I'm
a huge Winny the Pooh fan. And this is based
on like Buddhism and martial arts and Taoism, and so
it connects that through Winny to the Pooh.
Speaker 4 (38:58):
So that's a great Bookdary, and it was as an
athlete to doctor Coffin. One of the challenges is continuing
that healthy lifestyle after being that competitive athlete, you say
you find ways to compete, and you also said that
you exercise every day and that's non negotiable for you too,
like coach, So talk a little bit about what you've
(39:20):
done since being a college athlete to stay healthy, to
even outside of that more rigid and structured environment of exercise,
to make that still a daily habit to continue, because
we see that a lot with athletes who now don't
have that structure and fall off.
Speaker 2 (39:37):
I think it was it was really hard to transition
out of the competitive environment. And the write of passes
for distance runners is go run a marathon, and I
was like, cool. But the funny thing for me is
I hate running. I just love racing. So it's like
the funny thing like I put me on a track.
I love track running, but it's really hard, as you
can do some master track running, but it's not as
(39:58):
the same. So I did nine marathons, which was crazy.
I did this write a passage after every kid before
they turned on. I was going to run a marathon.
Not healthy. But I did all the things. And then
I went back into my roots of soccer, and so
I played a lot on women's and co ed's team
for soccer indoor and outdoor. I played on some women's
basketball teams, and it doesn't fulfilled me the same way
(40:18):
because those were all things that I was new and
natural about. And a year and a half to go
crazy thing I said, I never lifted, started lifting, and
this new fad of high rocks, if you've heard of it,
which is endurance crossfits like functional movements, like the new
takeover the hybrid athlete, and so it has this five
miles of running, but now there's like these strength components
of lifting you have to do and it's erace and
(40:39):
it's how fast you can do it. And I started
doing that and now I'm addicted. And you can do
it individually, you can do it with a partner, you
can do it with a mixed partner, you can do relays.
And so the community very much mirrors to me the
running community. It's very inclusive, everybody's welcome, they encourage you.
But it is the hardest competition I've ever done. It's
the hardest training I've ever done. And so that's exciting
(41:01):
to me is how good can I get at this
new thing?
Speaker 4 (41:05):
Wow? So cool? And so I'm imagining that you're also
when you say you're a pretty competitive person, it sounds
like are you also competitive with yourself too? And you
feel like that can be a benefit for athletes.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
One hundred percent, Where are worst critics? Every athlete that
I've ever met, every high achieving human is the worst critic,
has the most negative self talk in their heads. And
the one like we very started with actually really low
self confidence self belief. And so once you can work
through that and build up your self confidence and criticize
your way in a different way, I still want to
(41:38):
be the best. I also have a reality of where
am I coming from and what does my best look like?
And who am I performing for now? So I'm not
the best at this sport. But when I get a
huge pr I'm like, this is amazing. I just beat
my goal by four minutes. Let's celebrate. So rewarding when
you actually push yourself. And there's been days in the
gym where'm I hired a trainer so I have my
own coach because I know myself and I'm better if
I have someone pushing me. I'm frustrated, I'm mad, I
(42:01):
feel like a failure. I can't get out of it,
and I have to work really hard on all the
skills to get myself back on track and be like
that was just a day. Let's go have a better
day tomorrow or next week and understand I've leaned into
understanding the cycles of my body, the cycles of lifting,
knowing when I'm going to have good days and tire days,
and so that's really helpful. Education is a beautiful tool
(42:22):
when you learn about how your body mind works, and
then you're a little bit nicer to yourself.
Speaker 4 (42:28):
Yeah, that's so true. Wow, it's a lot of good stuff.
And I know one thing that we can immediately take
away from this episode is that triple threat breathing method.
That and you mentioned something earlier. I know we got
a close but you said that your emotions only last
for ninety seconds.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Yeah, isn't that Crazy's.
Speaker 4 (42:45):
That is insane because you think that it's like the
number one thing is all this is going to last forever. Oh,
I'm terrible you We make like permanent judgments based on
temporary results, and so that breathing can get us back
to our baseline again. So much stuff that you've shared
with us, and I know there's so much more that
you could share too. So your book and then all
the other information. Where can we find out more about
(43:05):
your work?
Speaker 2 (43:06):
Yeah, my book Hello Trauma or Visible Teammates on audible,
Amazon or Barnes and Noble, Doctor c Mindset at Instagram.
I'm actively in posting and educating there. I have a
podcast as well called The Highs and Lows of X's
and O's, So that's a fun thing that you can
tune into. And then my website has a lot of events.
We do a lot of Mastermind professional development at wwwtxopps
(43:28):
dot com and you know, fun fact for the leadership
for women leaders I have a Mastermind Women's Leadership event
in September. Women's only, very intimate professional development. So check
out that website, reach out to me DMS and find
out about that.
Speaker 4 (43:42):
There's lots of stuff going on. Doctor Hillary Coffin links
down in the show notes. Thanks so much for your
time today and for everything you shared with our young
emerging leaders.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3 (43:52):
Thank you for joining us this week at the Limitless
Leadership Lounge. To listen to this episode again and to
find previous episodes, check us out on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
and Spreageer. You can also get in on the conversation,
find us on Facebook and Instagram, then tell three of
your friends to join it as well. Coach Numa and John.
We'll be back again next week for another try generational
(44:13):
leadership discussion. We'll talk to you then on the Limitless
Leadership Lounge
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