Candide - Voltaire

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Candide by Voltaire introduction by Philip Littel. Ever since seventeen
fifty nine, when Voltaire wrote Candide in ridicule of the
notion that this is the best of all possible worlds,
this world has been a gayer place for readers. Voltaire
wrote it in three days, and five or six generations

(00:22):
have found that its laughter does not grow old. Candide
has not aged yet. How different the book would have
looked if Voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty
years later than seventeen fifty nine. It would have been,
among other things, a book of sights and sounds. A
modern writer would have tried to catch and fix in

(00:44):
words some of those Atlantic changes which broke the Atlantic
monotony of that voyage from Cadiz to Buenos Aires. When
Martin and Candide were sailing the length of the Mediterranean.
We should have had a contrast between naked scar Baliari
cliffs and headlands of Calabria in their mists. We should

(01:05):
have had quarter distances far horizons, the altering silhouettes of
an Ionian Island. Colored birds would have filled Paraguay with
their silver or acid cries. Doctor Pangloss to prove the
existence of design in the universe says that noses were
made to carry spectacles, and so we have spectacles. A

(01:27):
modern satirist would not try to paint with Voltaire's quick
brush the doctrine that he wanted to expose, and he
would choose a more complicated doctrine than doctor Pangloss's optimism,
would study it more closely, feel his destructive way about
it with a more learned and caressing malice. His attack, stealthier,

(01:49):
more flexible, and more patient than Voltaire's. Would call upon us,
especially when his learning got a little out of control,
to be more than patient now and then he would
bore us. Candide never bored anybody except William Wordsworth. Voltaire's
men and women point his case against optimism by starting

(02:10):
high and falling low. A modern could not go about
it after this fashion. He would not plunge his people
into an unfamiliar misery. He would just keep them in
the misery they were born to. But such an account
of Voltaire's procedure is as misleading as the plaster cast
of a dance. Look at his procedure again, Mademoiselle Cunegonda,

(02:33):
the illustrious Westphalian sprung from a family that could prove
seventy one quarterings. Descends and descends until we find her
earning her keep by washing dishes. In the Propontis, the
aged faithful attendant, victim of a hundred acts of rape
by negro pirates, remembers that she is the daughter of

(02:54):
a pope, and that, in honor of her approaching marriage
with a Prince of Massacaraa all Italy wrote sonnets, of
which not one was passable. We do not need to
know French literature before Voltaire in order to feel. Although
the lurking parody may escape us, that he is poking
fun at us and at himself, his laughter at his

(03:15):
own methods grows more unmistakable at the last, when he
caricatures them by casually assembling six fallen monarchs in an
inn at Venice. A modern assailant of optimism would arm
himself with social pity. There is no social pity in Candide. Voltaire,
whose light touch on familiar institutions opens them and reveals

(03:39):
their absurdity, likes to remind us that the slaughter and
pillage and murder which Candide witnessed among the Bulgarians was
perfectly regular, having been conducted according to the laws and
usages of war. Had Voltaire lived to day, he would
have done to poverty what he did to war. Pitying
the poor. He would have shown us poverty as a

(04:01):
ridiculous anachronism, and both the ridicule and the pity would
have expressed his indignation. Almost any modern essaying a philosophic
tale would make it long. Candide is only a hamlet
and a half long. It would hardly have been shorter
if Voltaire had spent three months on it instead of
those three days. A conciseness to be matched in English

(04:23):
by nobody except Pope, who can say a plagiarizing enemy
steals much, spends little, and has nothing left. A conciseness
which Pope toiled and sweated for, came as easy as wit.
To Voltaire. He can afford to be witty parenthetically by
the way prodigally without saving, because he knows there is

(04:45):
more wit where that came from. One of Max Bierbaum's
cartoons shows us the young twentieth century going at top
speed and watched by two of his predecessors. Underneath is
this legend the grave misgivings of the nineteenth century and
the wicked amusement of the eighteenth in watching the progress

(05:07):
or whatever it is of the twentieth, this eighteenth century
snuff taking and maliciousness is like Voltaire, who nevertheless must know,
if he happens to think of it, that not yet
in the twentieth century, not for all its speed mania,
has any one come near to equalling the speed of
a prose tale by Voltaire. Candide is a full book.

(05:31):
It is filled with mockery, with inventiveness, with things as
concrete as things to eat and coins. It has time
for the neatest intellectual clickings. It is never hurried, and
it moves with the most amazing rapidity. It has the
rapidity of high spirits playing a game. The dry high

(05:52):
spirits of this destroyer of optimism make most optimists look
damp and depressed. Contemplation of the study upidity, which deems
happiness possible, almost made Voltaire happy. His attack on optimism
is one of the gayest books in the world. Gaiety
has been scattered everywhere, up and down its pages, by

(06:13):
Voltaire's lavish hand, by his thin fingers. Many propagandist satirical
books have been written with Candide in mind, but not
too many today, especially when new faiths are changing the
structure of the world, fates which are still plastic enough
to be deformed by every disciple, each disciple for himself,

(06:36):
and which have not yet received the final deformation known
as universal acceptance. Today, Candide is an inspiration to every
narrative satirist who hates one of these new faiths or
hates every interpretation of it but his own. Either hatred
will serve as a motive to satire. That is why

(06:58):
the present is one of the right moments to republish Candide.
I hope it will inspire younger men and women, the
only ones who can be inspired to have a try
at Theodore or militarism, Jane or pacifism, and so and
so the pragmatist or the Freudian. And I hope too
that they will, without trying, hold their pins with an

(07:21):
eighteenth century lightness not inappropriate to a philosophic tale in
Voltaire's Fingers. As Anatole France has said, the pen runs
and laughs end of the introduction to Candide by Philip Lettel,
Chapter one, how Candide was brought up in a magnificent castle,

(07:45):
and how he was expelled. Thence in a castle of
Westphalia belonging to the barren thunder ten Trunk, lived a
youth whom nature had endowed with the most gentle manners.
His countenance was a true picture of his soul. He
combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was

(08:07):
the reason I apprehend of his being called Candide. The
old servants of the family suspected him to have been
the son of the baron's sister by a good, honest
gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would never marry,
because he had been able to prove only seventy one quarterings,

(08:27):
the rest of his genealogical tree having been lost through
the injuries of time. The baron was one of the
most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not
only a gate but windows. His great hall even was
hung with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm yards
formed a pack of hounds at need. His grooms were

(08:50):
his huntsmen, and the curate of the village was his
grand almoner. They called him my lord and laughed at
all his stories. The baron's lady weighed about three hundred
fifty pounds, and was therefore a person of great consideration,
and she did the honors of the house with a
dignity that commanded still greater respect. Her daughter, Cunegonda, was

(09:15):
seventeen years of age, fresh colored, comely, plump, and desirable.
The baron's son seemed to be in every respect worthy
of his father. The preceptor Pangloss was the oracle of
the family, and little Candide heard his lessons with all
the good faith of his age and character. Pangloss was

(09:37):
professor of metaphysico theologico cosmoloneiology. He proved admirably that there
is no effect without a cause, and that in this
best of all possible worlds, the baron's castle was the
most magnificent of castles, and his lady the best of

(09:58):
all possible baronesses. It is demonstrable, said he, that things
cannot be otherwise than as they are, for all being
created for an end, all is necessarily for the best end.
Observe that the nose has been formed to bear spectacles.
Thus we have spectacles. Legs are visibly designed for stockings,

(10:24):
and we have stockings. Stones were made to be hewn
and to construct castles. Therefore, my lord has a magnificent castle,
for the greatest baron in the province ought to be
the best lodged pigs were made to be eaten. Therefore
we eat pork all the year round. Consequently, they who

(10:45):
assert that all is well have said a foolish thing.
They should have said all is for the best. Candide
listened attentively and believed innocently, for he thought Miss Cunegonde
extremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to tell
her so. He concluded that, after the happiness of being

(11:05):
born of Baron Thunderton Trunk, the second degree of happiness
was to be Miss Cunegonde, the third that of seeing
her every day, and the fourth that of hearing Master Pangloss,
the greatest philosopher of the whole province and consequently of
the whole world. One day, Cunegonde, while walking near the

(11:27):
castle in a little wood which they called a park,
saw between the bushes doctor Pangloss, giving a lesson in
experimental natural philosophy to her mother's chambermaid, a little brown wench.
Very pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a
great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the repeated

(11:48):
experiments of which she was a witness. She clearly perceived
the force of the doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes.
She turned back greatly flurry, quite pensive and filled with
the desire to be learned, dreaming that she might well
be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he for her.

(12:11):
She met Candide on reaching the castle and blushed. Candide
blushed also. She wished him good morrow in a faltering tone,
and Candide spoke to her without knowing what he said.
The next day, after dinner, as they went from table,
Cunegonda and Candide found themselves behind a screen. Cunegonda let

(12:33):
fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up. She took him
innocently by the hand. The youth as innocently kissed the
young lady's hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace. Their
lips met, their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed,

(12:57):
barren thunder tin trunk passed near the green, and beholding
this cause and effect, chased Candide from the castle with
great kicks. On the backside, Cunegonda fainted away. She was
boxed on the ears by the baroness as soon as
she came to herself, and all was consternation in this
most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles. End

(13:22):
Chapter one, Chapter two. What became of Candide among the Bulgarians. Candide,
driven from terrestrial paradise, walked a long while without knowing where, weeping,
raising his eyes to Heaven, turning them often towards the
most magnificent of castles, which imprisoned the purest of noble

(13:46):
young ladies. He lay down to sleep without supper, in
the middle of a field between two furrows. The snow
fell in large flakes. Next day, Candide, all benumbed, dragged
himself towards the neighboring town, which was called wald Berghoff
tarb dick Dorff. Having no money, Dying of hunger and fatigue,

(14:09):
he stopped sorrowfully at the door of an inn. Two
men dressed in blue observed him. Comrade said, one, here
is a well built young fellow, and of proper height.
They went up to Candide and very civilly invited him
to dinner. Gentlemen, replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty.

(14:30):
You do me great honor, but I have not wherewithal
to pay my share, Oh, sir, said one of the
blues to him, people, of your appearance and of your merit,
never pay anything. Are you not five feet five inches high? Yes, sir,
that is my height, answered he, making a low bow. Come, sir,

(14:50):
seat yourself. Not only will we pay your reckoning, but
we will never suffer such a man as you to
want money. Men are only born to assist one another.
You are right, said Candide. This is what I was
always taught by doctor Pangloss, and I see plainly that
all is for the best. They begged of him to

(15:12):
accept a few crowns. He took them and wished to
give them his note. They refused. They seated themselves at table.
Love you not deeply, oh, yes, answered he, I deeply
love miss Cunegonde. No, said one of the gentlemen. We
ask you if you do not deeply love the King

(15:33):
of the Bulgarians. Not at all, said he, For I
have never seen him what he is the best of kings.
And we must drink his health, oh, very willingly, gentlemen,
And he drank. That is enough, they tell him. Now
you are the help, the support, the defender, the hero

(15:54):
of the Bulgarians, your fortune is made, and your glory
is a shoe. Instantly they fettered him and carried him
away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel
about to the right and to the left, to draw
his rammer, to return his rammer, to present to fire,
to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cudgel.

(16:18):
The next day he did his exercise a little less badly,
and he received but twenty blows. The day following they
gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his
comrades as a prodigy. Candide, all stupefied, could not yet
very well realize how he was a hero. He resolved

(16:39):
one fine day in spring to go for a walk,
marching straight before him, believing that it was a privilege
of the human as well as of the animal species,
to make use of their legs as they pleased. He
had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken by four others,
heroes of six feet, who bound him and carried him

(16:59):
to a dungeon. He was asked which he would like
the best, to be whipped six and thirty times through
all the regiment, or to receive at once twelve balls
of lead in his brain. He vainly said that human
will is free, and that he chose neither the one
nor the other. He was forced to make a choice.

(17:23):
He determined, in virtue of that gift of God called liberty,
to run the gauntlet six and thirty times. He bore
this twice. The regiment was composed of two thousand men
that composed for him four thousand strokes, which laid bare
all his muscles and nerves, from the nape of his

(17:44):
neck quite down to his rump. As they were going
to proceed to a third whipping, Candide, able to bear
no more, begged as a favor that they would be
so good as to shoot him. He obtained this favor.
They bandaged his eyes and bade him kneel down. The
King of the Bulgarians passed at this moment and ascertained

(18:07):
the nature of the crime. As he had great talent,
he understood from all that he learnt of Candide that
he was a young metaphysician, extremely ignorant of the things
of this world. And he accorded him his pardon with
a clemency which will bring him praise in all the
journals and throughout all ages. An able surgeon cured Candide

(18:30):
in three weeks by means of emollience taught by Dioscorides.
He had already a little skin and was able to
march when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to
the King of the Arbarese d. Chapter two, Chapter three.
How Candide made his escape from the Bulgarians, and what

(18:51):
afterwards became of him. There was never anything so gallant,
so spruce, so brilliant, and so well disposed as the
two armies. Trumpets, fifes, hot boys, drums and cannon made
music such as hell itself had never heard. The cannons,
first of all, laid flat about six thousand men on

(19:14):
each side. The muskets swept away from this best of
worlds nine or ten thousand ruffians who infested its surface.
The bayonet was also a sufficient reason for the death
of several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide,
who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as

(19:35):
he could during this heroic butchery. At length, while the
two kings were causing tadum to be sung each in
his own camp, Candide resolved to go and reason elsewhere.
On effects and causes. He passed over heaps of dead
and dying, and first reached a neighboring village. It was

(19:56):
in cinders. It was an Abare village which the Bulgari
Marians had burnt according to the laws of war. Here
old men covered with wounds beheld their wives, hugging their
children to their bloody breasts, massacred before their faces. There
their daughters disemboweled and breathing their last after having satisfied

(20:17):
the natural wants of Bulgarian heroes, while others, half burnt
in the flames, begged to be dispatched. The earth was
strewn with brains, arms and legs. Candide fled quickly to
another village. It belonged to the Bulgarians, and the Ibarian
heroes had treated it in the same way. Candide, walking

(20:41):
always over palpitating limbs or across ruins, arrived at last
beyond the seat of war, with a few provisions in
his knapsack, and Miss Cunegonda always in his heart. His
provisions failed him when he arrived in Holland, But having
heard that everybody was rich in that country, and that
they were Christians, he did not doubt, but he should

(21:04):
meet with the same treatment from them as he had
met with in the baron's castle before. Miss Cunegonda's bright
eyes were the cause of his expulsion. Thence he asked
arms of several grave looking people, who all answered him
that if he continued to follow this trade, they would
confine him to the house of correction, where he should

(21:26):
be taught to get a living. The next he addressed
was a man who had been haranguing a large assembly
for a whole hour on the subject of charity. But
the orator, looking askew, said, what are you doing here?
Are you for the good cause? There can be no
effect without a cause. Modestly answered Candide, the whole is

(21:48):
necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary
for me to have been banished from the presence of
Miss Cunegonde, to have afterwards run the gauntlet, and now
it is necessary I should beg my bread until I
learned to earn it. All this cannot be otherwise, my friend,

(22:09):
said the orator to him, do you believe the pope
to be the anti Christ? I have not heard it,
answered Candide. But whether he be or whether he be not,
I want bread. Thou dost not deserve to eat? Said
the other began, rogue begone, wretch did not come near

(22:30):
me again. The orator's wife, putting her head out of
the window, and spying a man that doubted whether the
Pope was the Antichrist, poured over him a full Oh, heavens,
to what excess does religious zeal carry the ladies? A
man who had never been christened a good Anabaptist named James,

(22:51):
beheld the cruel and ignominious treatment shown to one of
his brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul. He
took him home, cleaned him, gave him bread and beer,
presented him with two florins, and even wished to teach
him the manufacture of Persian stuffs, which they make in Holland. Candide,

(23:14):
almost prostrating himself before him, cried, Master Pangloss has well
said that all is for the best in this world,
For I am infinitely more touched by your extreme generosity
than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black
coat and his lady. The next day, as he took
a walk, he met a beggar, all covered with scabs,

(23:37):
his eyes diseased. The end of his nose eaten away,
his mouth distorted, his teeth black, choking in his throat,
tormented with a violent cough, and spitting out a tooth
at each effort. End Chapter three, Chapter four, How Candide

(23:58):
found his old master Pangloss, and what happened to them? Candide,
yet more moved with compassion than with horror, gave to
this shocking beggar the two florins which he had received
from the honest Anabaptist James. The specter looked at him
very earnestly, dropped a few tears, and fell upon his neck.

(24:20):
Candide recoiled in disgust alas said one wretch to the other.
Do you no longer know your dear Pangloss? What do
I hear you, my dear master? You in this terrible plight?
What misfortune has happened to you? Why are you no
longer in the most magnificent of castles? What has become

(24:43):
of miss Cunegonde, the pearl of girls and Nature's masterpiece?
I am so weak that I cannot stand, said Pangloss,
upon which Candide carried him to the Anabaptist's stable and
gave him a crust of bread. As soon as Pangloss
had refreshed himself, a little well, said Candide. Cuonegande, she

(25:07):
is dead, replied the other. Candide fainted at this word.
His friend recalled his senses with a little bad vinegar,
which he found by chance in the stable. Candide reopened
his eyes. Cunegonde is dead. Oh, best of worlds, where
art thou? But of what illness did she die? Was

(25:29):
it not for grief upon seeing her father kick me
out of his magnificent castle, No, said Pangloss. She was
ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers after having been violated
by many. They broke the baron's head for attempting to
defend her, My lady, Her mother was cut in pieces.

(25:51):
My poor pupil was served just in the same manner
as his sister. But as for the castles, they have
not left one stone upon another, not a barn, not
a sheep, nor a duck, nor a tree. But we
have had our revenge, for the Abbarees have done the
very same thing to a neighboring barony which belonged to

(26:13):
a Bulgarian lord. At this discourse, Candid fainted again, but
coming to himself, and having said all that it became
him to say, inquired into the cause and effect, as
well as into the sufficient reason that had reduced Pangloss
to so miserable a plight. Alas said the other. It

(26:35):
was love, love, the comfort of the human species, the
preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible things, Love,
tender love, Alas said Candide, I know this love, that
sovereign of hearts, that soul of our souls. Yet it

(26:57):
never cost me more than a kiss, and he kicks
on the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in
you an effect so abominable? Pangloss made answer in these terms. Oh,
my dear Candide, you remember Paquet, that pretty wench who

(27:17):
waited on our noble baroness in her arms. I tasted
the delights of paradise, which produced in me those held
torments with which you see me devoured. She was infected
with them. She is perhaps dead of them. This present
Paquette received of a learned gray friar, who had traced

(27:41):
it to its source. He had had it of an
old countess who had received it from a cavalry captain,
who owed it to a marchioness who took it from
a page who had received it from a Jesuit, who,
when a novice, had it in a direct line from
one of the companions of Christopher Columbus. For my part,

(28:03):
I shall give it to nobody. I am dying, Oh Pangloss,
cried Candide, what a strange genealogy is not the devil
the original stock of it? Not at all? Replied this
great man. It was a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient
in the best of worlds. For if Columbus had not,

(28:25):
in an island of America caught this disease, which contaminates
the source of life, frequently even hinders generation, and which
is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we
should have neither chocolate nor koshanel. We are to observe
that upon our continent this distemper is like religious controversy

(28:49):
confined to a particular spot. The Turks, the Indians, the Persians,
the Chinese, the Siamese, the Japanese no nothing of it.
But there is a sufficient reason for believing that they
will know it in their turn in a few centuries.
In the meantime, it has made marvelous progress among us,

(29:13):
especially in those great armies composed of honest, well disciplined
hirelings who decide the destiny of states. For we may
safely affirm that when an army of thirty thousand men
fights another of an equal number, there are about twenty
thousand of them poxed on each side. Well, this is wonderful,

(29:40):
said Candide, But you must get cured alas how can I,
said Pangloss. I have not a farthing, my friend, And
all over the globe there is no letting of blood,
or taking a glister without paying, or somebody paying for you.
These last words Ward's determined Candide. He went and flung

(30:03):
himself at the feet of the charitable Anabaptist James, and
gave him so touching a picture of the state, to
which his friend was reduced that the good man did
not scruple to take doctor Pangloss into his house and
had him cured at his expense. In the cure, Pangloss
lost only an eye and an ear. He wrote well

(30:24):
and knew arithmetic perfectly. The Anabaptist James made him his
book keeper. At the end of two months, being obliged
to go to Lisbon about some mercantile affairs, he took
the two philosophers with him in his ship. Pangloss explained
to him how everything was so constituted that it could
not be better. James was not of this opinion. It

(30:48):
is more likely, said he, mankind have a little corrupted nature,
for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves.
God has given them neither canon of four and twenty
pounders nor bayonets, and yet they have made cannon and
bayonets to destroy one another. Into this account, I might

(31:09):
throw not only bankrupts, but justice, which seizes on the
effects of bankrupts to cheat the creditors. All this was indispensable,
replied the one eyed doctor, For private misfortunes make the
general good, so that the more private misfortunes there are,
the greater is the general good. While he reasoned, the

(31:32):
sky darkened, the winds blew from the four quarters, and
the ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest within
sight of the port of Lisbon. End Chapter four, Chapter
five tempest, shipwreck, earthquake, And what became of Doctor Pangloss, Candide,

(31:54):
and James the Anabaptist Half dead of that inconceivable anguish
which the rolling of a ship produces. One half of
the passengers were not even sensible of the danger. The
other half shrieked and prayed. The sheets were rent, the
masts broken, the vessel gaped work. Who would no one heard,

(32:17):
No one commanded. The Anabaptist, being upon deck, bore a
hand when a British sailor struck him roughly and laid
him sprawling. But with the violence of the blow, he
himself tumbled head foremost overboard and stuck upon a piece
of the broken mast. Honest James ran to his assistance,
hauled him up, and from the effort he made, was

(32:39):
precipitated into the sea in sight of the sailor, who
left him to perish without deigning to look at him.
Candide drew near and saw his benefactor, who rose above
the water one moment and was then swallowed up forever.
He was just going to jump after him, but was
prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him that

(33:01):
the Bay of Lisbon had been made on purpose for
the Anabaptist to be drowned. While he was proving this
a priori, the ship foundered. All perished except Pangloss, Candide,
and that brutal sailor who had drowned. The good Anabaptist,
the villain swam safely to the shore, while Pangloss and

(33:21):
Candide were borne thither upon a plank. As soon as
they recovered themselves a little, they walked towards Lisbon. They
had some money left with which they hoped to save
themselves from starving. After they had escaped drowning, scarcely had
they reached the city, lamenting the death of their benefactor,

(33:41):
when they felt the earth tremble under their feet. The
sea swelled and foamed in the harbor and beat to
pieces of vessels riding at anchor. Whirlwinds of fire and
ashes covered the streets and public places. Houses fell, roofs
were flung upon the pavement, and the pavements were scattered.

(34:02):
Thirty thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed
under the ruins. The sailor, whistling and swearing, said, there
was booty to be gained here. What can be the
sufficient reason of this phenomenon? Said Pangloss, This is the
last day, cried Candide. The sailor ran among the ruins,

(34:26):
facing death to find money. Finding it, he took it,
got drunk, and having slept himself sober purchased the favors
of the first good natured Wench, whom he met on
the ruins of the destroyed houses, and in the midst
of the dying and the dead. Pangloss pulled him by
the sleeve. My friend, he said, this is not right.

(34:49):
You sin against a universal reason. You choose your time badly.
Splodden fury answered the other. I'm a sailor, and bonn
in Batavia four times. If I trampled upon the crucifix
in four voyages to Japan, a fig for thy universal reason,

(35:10):
some falling stones had wounded Kandide. He lay stretched in
the street, covered with rubbish. Alas he said to Pangloss,
get me a little wine and oil. I am dying.
This concussion of the earth is no new thing, answered Pangloss.
The city of Lima in America experienced the same convulsions

(35:31):
last year, the same cause, the same effects. There is
certainly a train of sulfur underground from Lima to Lisbon.
Nothing more probable, said Kandide. But for the love of God,
a little oil and wine, how probable, replied the philosopher,
I maintain that the point is capable of being demonstrated.

(35:55):
Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from
a nigh fountain. The following day, they rummaged among the
ruins and found provisions with which they repaired their exhausted strength.
After this they joined with others in relieving those inhabitants
who had escaped death. Some whom they had succored, gave

(36:16):
them as good a dinner as they could in such
disastrous circumstances. True, the repast was mournful, and the company
moistened their bread with tears, but Pangloss consoled them, assuring
them that things could not be otherwise, For he said,
all that is is for the best. If there is

(36:38):
a volcano at Lisbon, it cannot be elsewhere. It is
impossible that things should be other than they are, for
everything is right. A little man dressed in black, familiar
of the inquisition, who sat by him, politely took up
his word and said, apparently, then, sir, you do not

(37:00):
believe in original sin. For if all is for the best,
there has been neither fall nor punishment. I humbly ask
your excellency's pardon, answered Pangloss, still more politely, For the
fall and curse of man necessarily entered into the system
of the best of worlds, Sir, said the Familiar. You

(37:24):
do not then believe in liberty, Your excellency will excuse me,
said Pangloss. Liberty is consistent with absolute necessity. For it
was necessary we should be free, for in short, the
determinate will. Pangloss was in the middle of his sentence
when the Familiar beckoned to his footman, who gave him

(37:45):
a glass of wine from Porto or a portho end
Chapter five, Chapter six, How the Portuguese made a beautiful
auto da fe to prevent any further earthquakes, and how
Candide was publicly whipped after the earthquake had destroyed three

(38:05):
forths of Lisbon. The sages of that country could think
of no means more effectual to prevent utter ruin than
to give the people a beautiful auto daffay. For it
had been decided by the University of Cimbria that the
burning of a few people alive by a slow fire
and with great ceremony is an infallible secret to hinder

(38:26):
the earth from quaking. In consequence hereof they had seized
on a biscayner convicted of having married his godmother and
on two Portuguese for rejecting the bacon which larded a
chicken they were eating. After dinner, they came and secured
doctor Pangloss and his disciple Candide, the one for speaking

(38:47):
his mind, the other for having listened with an air
of approbation. They were conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold,
as they were never incommoded by the sun. Eight days after,
they were dressed in san benitos and their heads ornamented
with paper miters. The miter and san benito belonging to

(39:07):
Candide were painted with reversed flames and with devils that
had neither tails nor claws, But Panglosses devils had claws
and tails, and the flames were upright. They marched in
procession thus habited, and heard a very pathetic sermon followed
by fine church music. Candide was whipped in cadence while

(39:29):
they were singing. The biscayner and the two men who
had refused to eat bacon were burnt, and Pangloss was hanged,
though that was not the custom. The same day the
earth sustained a most violent concussion. Candide terrified, amazed, desperate,
all bloody, all palpitating, said to himself, if this is

(39:54):
the best of possible worlds, what then are the others? Well?
If I had been only whipped, I could put up
with it, for I experienced that among the Bulgarians. But oh,
my dear Pangloss, thou greatest of philosophers, that I should
have seen you hanged without knowing? For what, o, my

(40:16):
dear Anna Baptist, thou best of men, that thou shouldst
have been drowned in the very harbor. Oh miss Cunegonde,
thou pearl of girls, that thou shouldst have had thy
belly ripped open. Thus he was musing, scarce able to
stand preached at, whipped, absolved and blessed, when an old

(40:40):
woman accosted him, saying, my son, take courage and follow me.
End Chapter six, Chapter seven, How the old woman took
care of Candide and how he found the object he loved.
Candide did not take courage, but followed the old woman

(41:02):
to a decayed house, where she gave him a part
of pomatum to anoint his sores, showed him a very
neat little bed with a suit of clothes hanging up,
and left him something to eat and drink. Eat, drink, sleep,
said she, and may our Lady of Attuca, the great
Saint Antony of Padua, and the Great Saint James of

(41:24):
Compostela received you under their protection. I shall be back tomorrow. Candide,
amazed at all he had suffered, and still more with
the charity of the old woman, wished to kiss her hand.
It is not my hand you must kiss, said the
old woman. I shall be back tomorrow. Anoint yourself with

(41:44):
the pomatum. Eat and sleep, Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters,
ate and slept. The next morning, the old woman brought
him his breakfast, looked at his back, and rubbed it
herself with another ointment. In like manner, she brought him
his dinner, and at night she returned with his supper.

(42:05):
The day following she went through the very same ceremonies.
Who are you, said Candide, who has inspired you with
so much goodness? What return can I make you? The
good woman made no answer. She returned in the evening,
but brought no supper. Come with me, she said, and
say nothing. She took him by the arm and walked

(42:28):
with him about a quarter of a mile into the country.
They arrived at a lonely house surrounded with gardens and canals.
The old woman knocked at a little door. It opened.
She led Candide up a private staircase into a small
apartment richly furnished. She left him on a brocaded sofa,

(42:49):
shut the door and went away. Candide thought himself in
a dream, indeed, that he had been dreaming unluckily all
his life, and that the present moment was the only
agreeable part of it all. The old woman returned very soon,
supporting with difficulty a trembling woman of a majestic figure,

(43:10):
brilliant with jewels and covered with a veil. Take off
that veil, said the old woman to Candide. The young
man approaches. He raises the veil with a timid hand.
Oh what a moment, what surprise. He believes he beholds
miss Cunegonde. He really sees her, it is herself. His

(43:31):
strength fails him. He cannot utter a word, but drops
at her feet. Cunegonda falls upon the sofa. The old
woman supplies a smelling bottle. They come to themselves and
recover their speech, as they began, with broken accents, with
questions and answers, interchangeably interrupted with sighs, with tears and cries.

(43:54):
The old woman desired they would make less noise, and
then she left them to themselves. What is it, you said, Candide,
you live, I find you again in Portugal. Then you
have not been ravished. Then they did not rip open
your belly, as doctor Pangloss informed me. Yes they did,

(44:14):
said the beautiful Cunegonde. But those two accidents are not
always mortal. But were your father and mother killed? It
is but true, answered Cunegonde in tears. And your brother,
My brother was also killed. And why are you in Portugal?
And how did you know of my being here? And
by what strange adventure did you contrive to bring me

(44:36):
to this house. I will tell you all that, replied
the lady, But first of all, let me know your history,
since the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks
which you received. Candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he
was still in a surprise, though his voice was feeble
and trembling, though his back still pained him, yet he
gave her a most ingenuous account of everything that had

(45:00):
befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunegonde lifted
up her eyes to heaven, shed tears upon hearing of
the death of the Good Anabaptist, and of Pangloss, after
which she spoke as follows to Candide, who did not
lose a word and devoured her with his eyes. End

(45:21):
Chapter seven, Chapter eight, The History of Cunegonde. I was
in bed fast asleep when it pleased God to send
the Bulgarians to our delightful castle of thunder tin trunk.
They slew my father and brother and cut my mother
in pieces. A tall bulgarian six feet high, perceiving that

(45:41):
I had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me.
This made me recover. I regained my senses. I cried,
I struggled, I bit, I scratched. I wanted to tear
out the tall Bulgarian's eyes, not knowing that what happened
at my father's house was the usual practice of war.
The brute gave me a cut in the left side

(46:02):
with his hanger, and the mark is still upon me. Ah,
I hope I shall see it, said honest Candide, you shall,
said Cunegonde. But let us continue do so, replied Candide.
Thus she resumed the thread of her story. A Bulgarian
captain came in saw me all bleeding, and the soldier
not in the least disconcerted. The captain flew into a

(46:25):
passion at the disrespectable behavior of the brute and slew
him on my body. He ordered my wounds to be
dressed and took me to his quarters as a prisoner
of war. I washed the few shirts that he had.
I did his cooking. He thought me very pretty, he
avowed it. On the other hand, I must own he

(46:47):
had a good shape and a soft and white skin.
But he had little or no mind or philosophy, and
you might see plainly that he had never been instructed
by doctor Pangloss. In three month's time, having lost all
his money and being grown tired of my company, he
sold me to a Jew named don Isakar, who traded

(47:10):
to Holland and Portugal and had a strong passion for women.
This Jew was much attached to my person, but could
not triumph over it. I resisted him better than the
Bulgarian soldier. A modest woman may be ravished once, but
her virtue is strengthened by it. In order to render
me more tractable, he brought me to his country house.

(47:33):
Hitherto I had imagined that nothing could equal the beauty
of thunder Tin Trunk Castle. But I found I was mistaken.
The Grand Inquisitor, seeing me one day at Mass, stared
long at me and sent to tell me that he
wished to speak on private matters. I was conducted to
his palace, where I acquainted him with the history of

(47:55):
my family, and he represented to me how much it
was beneath my rafe to belong to an Israelite. A
proposal was then made to Donisika that he should resign
me to my Lord. Donisika, being the court banker and
man of credit, would hear nothing of it. The Inquisitor
threatened him with an auto d'a fay. At last, my Jew, intimidated,

(48:18):
concluded a bargain by which the house and myself should
belong to both in common. The Jew should have for
himself Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, and the Inquisitor should have
the rest of the week. It is now six months
since this agreement was made. Quarrels have not been wanting,
for they could not decide whether the night from Saturday

(48:39):
to Sunday belonged to the old law or to the new.
For my part, I have so far held out against both,
and I verily believe that this is the reason why
I am still beloved. At length to avert the scourge
of earthquakes and to intimidate Donisika, my lord Inquisitor was
pleased to celebrate, and otto d'affay, he did me the

(49:02):
honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had a
very good seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments.
Between mass and the execution. I was, in truth seized
with horror at the burning of those two Jews, and
of the honest miss Kayner, who had married his godmother.
But what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble. When

(49:23):
I saw in a San Benito and miter a figure
which resembled that of Pangloss, I rubbed my eyes, I
looked at him attentively. I saw him hung. I fainted
scarcely had I recovered my senses that I saw you, stripped,
stark naked. And this was the height of my horror, consternation, grief,

(49:46):
and despair. I tell you truthfully that your skin is
yet whiter and of a more perfect color than that
of my Bulgarian captain. This spectacle redoubled all the feeling
which overwhelmed and devoured me. I screamed out and would
have said stop barbarians, but my voice failed me, and

(50:09):
my cries would have been useless. After you had been
severely whipped. How is it possible, said I, that the
beloved Candide and the wise Pangloss should both be at Lisbon,
the one to receive a hundred lashes and the other
to be hanged by the Grand Inquisitor of whom I am.
The well beloved Pangloss most cruelly deceived me when he

(50:32):
said that everything in the world is for the best. Agitated, lost,
sometimes beside myself, and sometimes ready to die of weakness.
My mind was filled with the massacre of my father, mother,
and brother, with the insolence of the ugly Bulgarian soldier,
with the stab that he gave me, with my servitude

(50:54):
under the Bulgarian captain, with my hideous don Issachar, with
my abominable inquisitor, with the execution of doctor Pangloss, with
the grand miserare to which they whipped you, and especially
with the kiss I gave you behind the screen the
day that I had last seen you. I praised God

(51:15):
for bringing you back to me after so many trials,
And I charged my old woman to take care of
you and to conduct you hither as soon as possible.
She has executed her commission perfectly well. I have tasted
the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you again, of hearing you,
of speaking with you. But you must be hungry. For myself,

(51:37):
I am famished. Let us have supper. They both sat
down to table, and when supper was over, they placed
themselves once more on the sofa where they were when
Signor Don Isachar arrived. It was the Jewish Sabbath, and
Isachar had come to enjoy his rights and to explain
his tender love. And Chapter eight, Chapter nine, what became

(52:03):
of Cuneganda Candide, the Grand Inquisitor and the Jew? This
Issachar was the most choleric Hebrew that had ever been
seen in Israel since the captivity in Babylon. What said
he thou, bitch of a Galilean, was not the inquisitor
enough for thee? Must this rascal also share with me

(52:26):
in saying this? He drew a long poniard, which he
always carried about him, and, not imagining that his adversary
had any arms, he threw himself upon Candide, But our
honest Westphalian had received a handsome sword from the old
woman along with the suit of clothes. He drew his
rapier despite his gentleness, and laid the Israelite stone dead

(52:49):
upon the cushions at Cunegonda's feet. Holy Virgin cried, she,
what will become of us a man killed in my apartment?
If the officers of justice come, we are lost. Had
not Pangloss been hanged, said Candide, he would have given
us good counsel in this emergency, for he was a
profound philosopher. Failing him, let us consult the old woman.

(53:15):
She was very prudent and commenced to give her opinion.
When suddenly another little door opened. It was an hour
after midnight. It was the beginning of Sunday. This day
belonged to my Lord the Inquisitor. He entered and saw
the whipped Candide sword in hand, a dead man on

(53:36):
the floor, Cunegonda aghast, and the old woman giving counsel.
At this moment, the following is what passed in the
soul of Candide, and how he reasoned, if this holy
man call in assistance, he will surely have me burnt
and Cunegonda will perhaps be served in the same manner.
He was the cause of my being cruelly whipped. He

(53:59):
is my right, and as I have now begun to kill,
I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate.
This reasoning was clear and instantaneous, so that, without giving
time to the inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he
pierced him through and through and cast him beside. The
Jew here again, said Cunegonde. Now there is no mercy

(54:23):
for us. We are excommunicated. Our last hour has come.
How could you do it? You naturally so gentle to
slay a Jew and a prelate in two minutes, My
beautiful young lady, responded Candide. When one is a lover,
jealous and whipped by the inquisition, one stops at nothing.

(54:45):
The old woman then put in her words, saying, there
are three and the Lucian horses in the stable, with
bridles and saddles. Let the brave Candide get them ready.
Madam has money jewels. Let us therefore, quickly on horseback,
though I can sit only on one buttock, let us
set out for Kadiz. It is the finest weather in

(55:07):
the world, and there is great pleasure in traveling in
the cool of the night. Immediately, Candide saddled the three horses,
and Cunegonda, the old woman, and he traveled thirty miles
at a stretch. While they were journeying, the Holy Brotherhood
entered the house. My Lord. The inquisitor was interred in
a handsome church, and Isakar's body was thrown upon a dunghill. Candide,

(55:32):
Cunaganda and the old woman had now reached the little
town of Avacena, in the midst of the mountains of
the Sierra Morena, and were speaking as follows in a
public inn. End Chapter nine, Chapter ten, in what distress,
Candide Cunaganda and the old woman arrived at Kadiz and

(55:54):
of their embarkation. Who was it that ropped me of
my money and jewels? Said kunagar Ganda, all bathed in tears.
How shall we live? What shall we do? Well? Find
inquisitors or Jews who will give me more? Aless? Said
the old woman. I have a shrewd suspicion of a
Reverend Gray Friar, who stayed last night in the same

(56:16):
inn with us at Padajos. God preserve me from judging rashly,
But he came into our room twice, and he set
out upon his journey long before us. Alas said Candide,
dear Pangloss has often demonstrated to me that the goods
of this world are common to all men, and that
each has an equal right to them. But according to

(56:38):
these principles, the gray Friar ought to have left us
enough to carry us through our journey. Have you nothing
at all left, my dear Cunegonde, not a farthing, said she?
What then must we do, said Candide. Sail one of
the horses, replied the old woman. I will ride behind,
Miss Cunegonda, although I can hold myself only on one buttock,

(57:01):
and we shall reach Cadiz in the same inn. There
was a Benedictine prior who bought the horse for a
cheap price. Candide, Cunegonda and the old woman, having passed
through Lucena, Chilas, and Lebrixa, arrived at length in Cadiz.
A fleet was there getting ready, and troops assembling to

(57:21):
bring to reason the Reverend Jesuit Fathers of Paraguay, accused
of having made one of the native tribes in the
neighborhood of San sacrament revolt against the Kings of Spain
and Portugal. Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed
the military exercise before the generalist little Army with so
graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and with

(57:43):
such agility and expedition, that he was given the command
of a company a foot. Now he was a captain.
He set sail with Miss Cunaganda, the old woman, two valets,
and the two Andalusian horses which had belonged to the
Grand Inquisitor of Portugal. During their voyage, they reasoned a
good deal on the philosophy of poor Pangloss. We are

(58:06):
going into another world, said Candide, and surely it must
be there that all is for the best. For I
must confess there is reason to complain a little of
what passeth in our world, in regard to both natural
and moral philosophy. I love you with all my heart,
said Cunegonde, but my soul is still full of fright

(58:28):
at that which I have seen and experienced. All will
be well, replied Candide. The sea of this new world
is already better than our European sea. It is calmer,
the winds more regular, it is certainly the New World,
which is the best of all possible worlds. God grant it,
said Cunegonde. But I have been so horribly unhappy there

(58:52):
that my heart is almost closed to hope. You complain,
said the old woman. Aless, you have not known such
misfortunes as mine. Cunegonda almost broke out laughing, finding the
good woman very amusing for pretending to have been as
unfortunate as she. Alas, said Cunegonde, my good mother, unless

(59:15):
you have been ravished by two Bulgarians, have received two
deep wounds in your belly, have had two castles demolished,
have had two mothers cut to pieces before your eyes,
and two of your lovers whipped at an auto da fey.
I do not conceive how you could be more unfortunate

(59:37):
than I. Add that I was born a baroness of
seventy two quarterings and have been a cook. Miss replied
the old woman. You do not know my birth, and
were I to show you my backside, you would not
talk in that manner, but would suspend your judgment. This

(01:00:00):
speech having raised extreme curiosity in the minds of Cunegonde
and Candide, the old woman spoke to them as follows
end Chapter ten, Chapter eleven, History of the Old Woman.
I hate not always bleared eyes and the red eyelids.

(01:00:23):
Neither did my nose always touch my chin, nor was
I always a servant. I am the daughter of Pope
Urban the tenth and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until
the age of fourteen. I was brought up in a
palace to which all the castles of your German barons

(01:00:43):
would scarcely have served for stables, and one of my
robes was worth more than all the magnificence of Westphalia.
As I grew up, I improved in beauty, wit, and
every graceful accomplishment. In the midst of pleasure, hopes and
respectful homage, already I inspired love. My throat was formed,

(01:01:07):
and such a throat, white, firm, shaped like that of
the Venus of Medici. And what eyes, what eye leads,
what black eyebrows? Such flames darted from my dark pupils
that they eclipsed the scintillation of the stars. As I
was told by the poets. In our part of the world,

(01:01:30):
my waiting women, when dressing and undressing me, used to
fall into an ecstasy. Whether they viewed me before or behind.
How glad would the gentleman have been to perform that
office for them. I was a fianced to the most
excellent Prince of MASSACARAA such a prince as handsome as myself,

(01:01:53):
sweet tempered, agreeable, brilliantly, witty, and sparkling with love. I
loved him as one loves for the first time, with idolatry,
with transport, the nuptiles were prepared. There was surprising pomp
and magnificence. There were feats, Carousau's continual opera buff and

(01:02:16):
all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one
of them was passable. I was just upon the point
of reaching the summit of bliss when an old marchioness,
who had been mistress to the prince my husband, invited
him to drink chocolate with her. He died in less
than two hours of most terrible convulsions. But this is

(01:02:40):
only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair and scarcely less
afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time
from so fatal a plates. She had a very fine
estate in the neighborhood of Gaeta. We embarked on board
a galley of the country, which was gilded like the
great of Saint Peter's at Rome. As sale corsair swooped

(01:03:04):
down and boardered us, our men defended themselves like the
Pope's soldiers. They flung themselves upon their knees and threw
down their arms, begging of the corsair an absolution inarticulo mortis.
Instantly they were stripped as baar as monkeys. My mother,
our maids of honor, and myself were all served in

(01:03:25):
the same manner. It is amazing with what expedition those
gentry undress people. But what surprised me most was that
they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies,
which the generality of women suffered no other instrument but
pipes to enter. It appeared to me a very strange
kind of ceremony, but thus one judges of things when

(01:03:48):
one has not seen the world. I afterwards learned that
it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds.
This is the practice established from time immemorial among civilized
nations that scoured the seas. I was informed that the
very religious knights of Malta never failed to make this search.

(01:04:09):
When they take any Turkish prisoners of either sex. It
is a law of nations from which they never deviate.
I need not tell you how great a hardship it
was for a young princess and her mother to be
made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily imagine
all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel.

(01:04:31):
My mother was still very handsome, Our maids of honor,
and even our waiting women had more charms than are
to be found in all Africa. As for myself, I
was ravishing was exquisite grace itself, and I was a virgin.
I did not remain so long. This flower, which had

(01:04:52):
been reserved for the handsome Prince of Massacara, was plocked
by the Corsair captain. I was an abominable Negro, and
yet believed that he did me a great deal of honor. Certainly,
the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have been very
strong to go through all that we experienced until our

(01:05:13):
arrival in Morocco. But let us pass on. These are
such common things as not to be worth mentioning. Morocco
swam in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the
Emperor Mulei Ismael had each their adherents. This produced fifty
civil wars of blacks against blacks, and blacks against Tonys,

(01:05:37):
and townis against Tonys, and Mulattos against Mulattos. In short,
it was a continual carnage throughout the empire. No sooner
were we landed than the blacks of a contrary faction
to that of my captain attempted to rob him of
his booty. Next to jewels and gold, we were the
most valuable things he had witness to such a battle

(01:06:02):
as you have never seen in your European climates. The
northern nations have not that heat in their blood, nor
that raging lust for women so common in Africa. It
seems that you Europeans have only milk in your veins.
But it is vitriol. It is fire which runs in
those of the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighboring countries.

(01:06:25):
They fought with the fury of the lions, tigers and
serpents of the country to see who should have us
Amor seized my mother by the right arm, while my
captain's lieutenant held her by the left. A Moorish soldier
had hold of her by one leg, and one of
our coresails held her by the other. Thus almost all

(01:06:46):
our women were drawn in quarters by four men. My
captain concealed me behind him, and with his drawn cimitar,
cut and slashed every one that opposed his fury. At length,
I saw all our Italian women, and my mother herself torn, mangled,
massacred by the monsters who disputed over them. The slaves,

(01:07:09):
my companions, those who had taken them, soldiers, sailors, blacks,
white mulattoes, and at last my captain all were killed,
and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such
scenes as this were transacted through an extent of three
hundred leagues, and yet they never missed the five prayers

(01:07:31):
a day ordained by Mohammed. With difficulty, I disengaged myself
from such a heap of slaughtered bodies and crawled to
a large orange tree on the bank of a neighboring ribulet,
where I fell oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair, and hunger.

(01:07:52):
Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves up to sleep,
which was yet more so wounding than repose. I was
in this state of weakness and insensibility between life and death.
When I felt myself pressed by something that moved upon
my body, I opened my eyes and saw a white

(01:08:16):
man of good countenance, who sighed, and who said between
his teeth, O chsiagura decere censa coglioni d. Chapter eleven,
Chapter twelve. The Adventures of the Old Woman continued, Astonished
and delighted to hear my native language, and no less

(01:08:39):
surprise at what this man said. I made answer that
there were much greater misfortunes than that of which he complained.
I told him in a few words of the horrors
which I had endured, and fainted a second time. He
carried me to a neighboring house, put me to bed,
gave me food, waited on me, console old me, flattered me.

(01:09:01):
He told me that he had never seen any one
so beautiful as I, and that he never so much
regretted the loss of what it was impossible to recover.
I was born at Naples, said he deadly galed two
or three thousand children. Every year. Some die of the operation,
others acquire a voice more beautiful than that of women,

(01:09:24):
and others are raised to offices of state. This operation
was performed on me with great success, and I was
chapel musician to Madam the Princess of Palestrina. To my
mother cried I your mother, cried he weeping. What can
you be, that young princess whom I brought up until

(01:09:48):
the age of six years, and who promised so early
to be as beautiful as you? It is I, indeed,
but my mother lies four hundred yards hints, torn in quarters,
under a heap of dead bodies. I told him all
my adventures, and he made me acquainted with his telling

(01:10:10):
me that he had been sent to the Emperor of
Morocco by a Christian power to conclude a treaty with
that prince, in consequence of which he was to be
furnished with military stores and ships to help to demolish
the commerce of other Christian governments. My mission is done,
said the honest eunuch. I go to embark for Ceuta,

(01:10:33):
and I will take you to Italy. Marchesiagura de siri
sinza COLPIONI. I thanked him with tears of commiseration, and
instead of taking me to Italy, he conducted me to Algiers,
where he sold me to the day scarcely was I sold,
and the plague, which had made the tour of Africa,

(01:10:55):
Asia and Europe, broke out with great malignancy in Algiae.
You have seen earthquakes, but pray, miss, have you ever
seen the plague? Never answered Cunegonde. If you head, said
the old woman, you would acknowledge that it is far
more terrible than an earthquake. It is common in Africa,

(01:11:20):
and I caught it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation
of the daughter of a pope only fifteen years old,
who in less than three months had felt the miseries
of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day,
had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine

(01:11:44):
and war, and was dying of the plague in Algiers.
I did not die, however, but my eunuch, and the day,
and almost the whole serraglio of algierssht. As soon as
the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a

(01:12:05):
sale was made of the day's slaves. I was purchased
by a merchant and carried to Tunis. This man sold
me to another merchant, who sold me again to another
at Tripoli. From Tripoli. I was sold to Alexandria, from
Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. At length,

(01:12:25):
I became the property of an aga of the Janissaries,
who was soon ordered away to the defense of Azov,
then besieged by the Russians. The Aka, who was very
gallant men, took his hulls Raglio with him and lodged
us in a small fort on the Palace Meotides, guarded

(01:12:47):
by two black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed
prodigious numbers of the Russians, but the latter had their revenge.
Azov was destroyed by fire, the inhabitants put to the sword.
Neither sex nor age was spared, until there remained only
our little fort, and the enemy wanted to starve us out.

(01:13:10):
The twenty janissaries had sworn they would never surrender. The
extremities of famine to which they were reduced obliged them
to eat our two eunuchs for fear of violating their oath,
and at the end of a few days they resolved
also to devour the women. We had a very pious
and humane emon who preached an excellent sermon, exhorting them

(01:13:34):
not to kill us all at once. Only cut off
a buttercuff each of those ladies, said he, and you'll
fare extremely well if you must go to it again.
There will be the same entertainment a few days. Hence,
Heaven will accept of so charitable an action and send
your relief. He had great eloquence he persuaded them. We

(01:13:59):
underwent this terrible operation. The iman applied the same balsam
to us as he does to children after circumcision, and
we all nearly died. Scarcely had the janissaries finished the
repast with which we had furnished them, than the Russians
came in flat bottom boats. Not a janissary escaped. The

(01:14:21):
Russians paid no attention to the condition we were in.
There are French surgeons in all parts of the world.
One of them, who was very clever, took us under
his care. He cured us, and as long as I live,
I shall remember that as soon as my wounds were healed,
he made proposals to me. He bid us all be

(01:14:41):
of good cheer, telling us that the like had happened
in many sieges, and that it was according to the
laws of war. As soon as my companions could walk,
they were obliged to set out for Moscow. I fell
to the share of a boyard, who made me his
guide dinner and gave me twenty lashes a day. But

(01:15:03):
this nobleman, having in two years time, been broke upon
the wheel along with thirty more boyoids for some broils
at court, I profited by that event. I fled. I
traversed all Russia. It was a long time an in
holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at Wismar,
at Leipzig, at Castle, at Utrecht, at Leiden, at the

(01:15:27):
Hague at Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace,
having only one half of my posteriors, and always remembering
I was a pope's daughter. A hundred times I was
upon the point of killing myself, but still I loved life.

(01:15:48):
This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics.
For is there anything more absurd than to wish to
carry continuus a burden which one can always throw down
to detest existence, and yet to cling to one's existence

(01:16:10):
in brief to caress the serpent which devours us. Till
he has eaten our very heart. In the different countries
which it has been my lot to traverse, and the
numerous inns where I have been servant, I have taken
notice of a vast number of people who held their

(01:16:31):
own existence in abhorrence. And yet I never knew of
more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their misery.
Three Negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor and Roebeck.
I ended by being servant to the Jew don Isachar,
who placed me near your presence. My fair lady, I

(01:16:54):
am determined to share your fate, and have been much
more affected with your misfortunes than with my own. I
would never even have spoken to you of my misfortunes
had you not piqued me a little. And if it
were not customary to tell stories on board a ship
in order to pass away the time. In short, miss Cunegonde,

(01:17:18):
I have had experience. I know the world. Therefore I
advise you to divert yourself and prevail upon each passenger
to tell his story. And if there be one of
them all that has not cursed his life many a time,
that has not frequently looked upon himself as the unhappiest

(01:17:41):
of mortals. I give you leave to throw me head
foremost into the sea. End Chapter twelve. Chapter thirteen, how
Candide was forced away from his fair Cunaganda and the
old woman. The beautiful Cunaganda, having heard the old woman's history,
paid her all the civilities due to a person of

(01:18:03):
her rank and merit. She likewise accepted her proposal and
engaged all the passengers one after the other to relate
their adventures. And then both she and Candide allowed that
the old woman was in the right. It is a
great pity, said Candide, that the sage Pangloss was hanged

(01:18:24):
contrary to custom at an Auto da Fey. He would
tell us most amazing things in regard to the physical
and moral evils that overspread the earth and sea. And
I should be able, with due respect to make a
few objections. While each passenger was recounting his story, the
ship made her way. They landed at Buenos Aires, Cunegonda.

(01:18:48):
Captain Candide and the old Woman waited on the governor
Don Fernando Dibaro I Figeroa Imascarenas I Lampordos Isusa. This
nobleman had a stateliness becoming a person who bore so
many names. He spoke to men with so noble a disdain,

(01:19:08):
carried his nose, so loftily, raised his voice, so unmercifully,
assumed so imperious an air, and stalked with such intolerable pride,
that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to give
him a good drubbing. Cunegonde appeared to him the most
beautiful he had ever met. The first thing he did

(01:19:31):
was to ask whether she was not the captain's wife.
The manner in which he asked the question alarmed Candide.
He durst not say she was his wife, because indeed
she was not. Neither durst he say she was his sister,
because it was not so. And although this obliging lie
had been formerly much in favor among the ancients, and

(01:19:53):
although it could be useful to the moderns, his soul
was too pure to betray the truth. Miss kun Ganda said,
he is to do me the honor to marry me,
and we beseech your excellency to deign to sanction our marriage.
Don Fernando dibara i figoi mascarenasi lampourds issusa, turning up

(01:20:15):
his Mustachios smiled mockingly and ordered Captain Candide to go
and review his company. Candid obeyed, and the governor remained
alone with Miss Cunegonda. He declared his passion, protesting he
would marry her the next day in the face of
the church, or otherwise, just as should be agreeable to herself.

(01:20:39):
Cuneganda asked a quarter of an hour to consider of it,
to consult the old woman and to take her resolution.
The old woman spoke thus to Cuneganda, mis you have
seventy two quarterings and not a farthing. It is now
in your power to be wife to the greatest lord
in South America, who has very beautiful moustachios. Is it

(01:21:04):
for you to pique yourself upon inviolable fidelity? You have
been ravished by Bulgarians, a jew and an inquisitor have
enjoyed your favors. Misfortune gives sufficient excuse. I own that
if I were in your place, I should have no
scruple in marrying the Governor and in making the fortune

(01:21:25):
of Captain Candide. While the old woman spoke with all
the prudence which age and experience gave, a small ship
entered the port. On board of which were an alcalde
and his alguazils. And this was what had happened, as
the old woman had shrewdly guessed, it was a gray
friar who stole Cuneganda's money and jewels in the town

(01:21:49):
of Badajos. When she and Candide were escaping, the friar
wanted to sell some of the diamonds to a jeweler.
The jeweler knew them to be the Grand Inquisitors. The friar,
for he was hanged, confessed he had stolen them. He
described the persons and the route they had taken. The
flight of Cunaganda and Candide was already known. They were

(01:22:11):
traced to Kadiz. A vessel was immediately sent in pursuit
of them. The vessel was already in the port of
Buenos Aires. The report spread that the Alcalda was going
to land, and that he was in pursuit of the
murderers of my lord, the Grand Inquisitor. The prudent old
woman saw at once what was to be done. You

(01:22:31):
cannot run away, she said to Cunaganda, and you have
nothing to fear, for it was not you that killed
my lord. Besides the governor who loves you will not
suffer you to be ill treated. Therefore stay. She then
ran immediately to Candide, fly said she or in an
hour you will be burnt. There was not a moment

(01:22:54):
to lose. But how could he part from Cunegonda, and
where could he flee for shelter? End Chapter thirteen, Chapter fourteen,
How Candide and Cacambo were received by the Jesuits of Paraguay.
Candide had brought such a valet with him from Cadiz,
as one often meets with on the coasts of Spain

(01:23:16):
and in the American colonies. He was a quarter Spaniard
born of a mongorel in Tucuman. He had been singing boy,
sacristan sailor, monk, peddler, soldier, and lackey. His name was Cacumbo,
and he loved his master because his master was a
very good man. He quickly saddled the two Andalusian horses.

(01:23:40):
Come master, let us follow the old woman's advice. Let
us start and run without looking behind us. Candide shed tears,
Oh my dear Cunegonde, must I leave you? Just at
a time when the governor was going to sanction our nuptials.
Cunegonde brought to such a distance, what will become of you?

(01:24:01):
She will do as well as she can, said Cacambo.
The women are never at a loss. God provides for them.
Let us run whither art thout carrying me? Where shall
we go? What shall we do without Cunegonde, said Candide.
By Saint James of Compostella said, Cacambo, you were going
to fight against the Jesuits. Let us go to fight

(01:24:24):
for them. I know the road well. I'll conduct you
to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have
a captain that understands the Bulgarian exercise. You'll make a
prodigious fortune. If we cannot find our account in one world,
we shall in another. It is a great pleasure to
see and do new things. You have before been in Paraguay, then,

(01:24:45):
said Candide. Ay sure, answered Cacambo. I was servant in
the College of the Assumption, and of acquainted with the
government of the Good Fathers, as well as I am
with the streets of Cadiz. It is an admirable government.
The kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter
and divided into thirty provinces. There the Fathers possess all

(01:25:06):
and the people nothing. It is a masterpiece of reason
and justice. For my part, I see nothing so divine
as the fathers who here make war upon the kings
of Spain and Portugal, and in Europe confessed those kings
who here kill Spaniards and in Madrid send them to heaven.
This delights me. Let us push forward. You are going

(01:25:27):
to be the happiest of mortals. What pleasure will it
be to those fathers to hear that a captain who
knows the Bulgarian exercise has come to them. As soon
as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo told the advanced
guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord
the commandant. Notice was given to the main guard, and
immediately a Paraguayan officer ran and laid himself at the

(01:25:50):
feet of the commandant to impart this news to him.
Candide and Cacambo were disarmed and their two Andalusian horses seized.
The strange were introduced between two files of musketeers. The
commandant was at the further end, with the three cornered
cap on his head, his gown tucked up, a sword
by his side, and a spontoon in his hand, he beckoned,

(01:26:14):
and straightway the newcomers were encompassed by four and twenty soldiers.
A sergeant told them they must wait, that the commandant
could not speak to them, and that the Reverend Father
Provincial does not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth
but in his presence, or to stay above three hours
in the province. And where is the Reverend Father Provincial,

(01:26:37):
said Cacambo. He is upon the parade, just after celebrating mass,
answered the sergeant. And you cannot kiss his spurs till
three hours. Hence, however, said Cacambo, the captain is not
a Spaniard but a German. He is ready to perish
with hunger as well as myself. Cannot we have something

(01:26:59):
for breakfast while we wait for his reverence. The sergeant
went immediately to acquaint the commandant with what he had heard.
God be praised, said the Reverend Commandant. Since he is
a German, I may speak to him. Take him to
my arbor. Candide was at once conducted to a beautiful

(01:27:19):
summer house, ornamented with a very pretty colonnade of green
and gold marble, and with trellises enclosing paraquets humming birds,
fly birds, guinea hens, and all other rare birds. An
excellent breakfast was provided in vessels of gold, and while
the Paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden dishes in

(01:27:42):
the open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun,
the Reverend Father commandant retired to his arbor. He was
a very handsome young man, with a full face, white
skin but high in color. He had an arched eyebrow,
a lively eye, red ears, the million lips, a bold air,

(01:28:03):
but such a boldness as neither belonged to a Spaniard
nor a Jesuit. They returned their arms to Candide and Cacambo,
and also the two Andalusian horses, to whom Cacambo gave
some oats to eat just by the arbor, having an
eye upon them all the while, for fear of a surprise.
Candide first kissed the hymn of the Commandant's robe. Then

(01:28:26):
they sat down to table. You are, then, a German,
said the Jesuit to him in that language, Yes, Reverend Father,
answered Candide. As they pronounced these words, they looked at
each other with great amazement and with such an emotion
as they could not conceal, and from what part of
Germany do you come, said the Jesuit. I am from

(01:28:48):
the dirty province of Westphalia, answered Candide. I was born
in the castle of thunder Tin Trunk. Oh heavens, is
it possible, cried the commandant. What a miracle, cried Candide.
Is it really you? Said the commandant. It is not possible,
said Candide. They drew back, they embraced, They shed rivulets

(01:29:13):
of tears. What is it you, reverend father, You the
brother of the fair Cunegonda, You that was slain by
the Bulgarians, You the baron's son, You a Jesuit in Paraguay.
I must confess. This is a strange world that we
live in. Oh, pangloss, pangloss. How glad you would be

(01:29:35):
if you had not been hanged. The commandant sent away
the Negro slaves and the Paraguayans who served them with
liquors in goblets of rock crystal. He thanked God and
Saint Ignatius a thousand times. He clasped Candide in his arms,
and their faces were all bathed in tears. You will

(01:29:55):
be more surprised, more affected and transported, said cand Indeed,
when I tell you that Cunegonde, your sister, whom you
believe to have been ripped open, is in perfect health
where in your neighborhood with the governor of Buenos Aires.
And I was going to fight against you every word

(01:30:15):
which they uttered in this long conversation, but added wonder
to wonder. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in
their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. As they were Germans.
They sat a good while at table waiting for the
reverend father Provincial, and the Commandant spoke to his dear

(01:30:36):
Candide as follows end Chapter fourteen, Chapter fifteen, how Candide
killed the brother of his dear Cunegonde. I shall have
ever present to my memory the dreadful day on which
I saw my father and mother killed and my sister ravished.

(01:30:58):
When the Bulgarians retiredared, my dear sister could not be found,
but my mother, my father, and myself, with two maid
servants and three little boys, all of whom had been slain,
were put in a hearse to be conveyed for interment
to a chapel belonging to the Jesuit. Within two leagues
of our family seat. A Jesuit sprinkled us with some

(01:31:21):
holy water. It was horribly salt. A few drops of
it fell into my eyes. The father perceived that my
eyelids stirred a little. He put his hand upon my
heart and felt it beat. I received assistance, and at
the end of three weeks I recovered. You know, my
dear Candide, I was very pretty, but I grew much prettier,

(01:31:43):
and the Reverend Father Didrie, superior of that house, conceived
the tenderest friendship for me. He gave me the habit
of the order. Some years after I was sent to Rome,
the Father General needed new levies of young German Jesuits.
The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish Jesuits as possible.

(01:32:03):
They prefer those of other nations as being more subordinate
to their commands. I was judged fit by the Reverend
Father General to go and work in this vineyard. We
set out a pole, a tyrrelise, and myself upon my arrival,
I was honored with a sub deaconship and a lieutenancy.

(01:32:24):
I am to day colonel and priest. We shall give
a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops. I
will answer for it that they shall be excommunicated and
well beaten. Providence sends you here to assist us. But
is it indeed true that my dear sister Cunegonde is
in the neighborhood with the governor of Buenos Aires. Candide

(01:32:47):
assured him on oath that nothing was more true, and
their tears began afresh. The baron could not refrain from
embracing Candide. He called him his brother, his savior. Ah perhaps,
said he, we shall, together, my dear Candide, enter the
town as conquerors and recover my sister Cunegonde. That is

(01:33:11):
all I want, said Candide, for I intend to marry her,
and I still hope to do so. You, insolent, replied
the baron, would you have the impudence to marry my
sister who has seventy two quarterings? I find thou hast
the most consummate effrontery to dare to mention so presumptuous
a design. Candide, petrified at this speech, made answer, Reverend Father,

(01:33:35):
all the quarterings in the world signify nothing. I rescued
your sister from the arms of a Jew and of
an inquisitor. She has great obligations to me. She wishes
to marry me. Master Pangloss always told me that all
men are equal, and certainly I will marry her. We

(01:33:55):
shall see that, thou scoundrel, said the jesuit baronditt under
tin trunk, and that instant struck him across the face
with the flat of his sword. Candide, in an instant,
drew his rapier and plunged it up to the hilt
in the jesuit's belly. But in pulling it out, reeking heart,
he burst into tears. Good God, said he, I have

(01:34:19):
killed my old master, my friend, my brother in law.
I am the best natured creature in the world, and
yet I have already killed three men. And of these
three two were priests. Cacambo, who stood sentry by the
door of the arbor, ran to him. We have nothing
more for it than to sell our lives as dearly

(01:34:40):
as we can, said his master to him. Without doubt,
some one will soon enter the arbor, and we must
die sword in hand. Cacambo, who had been in a
great many scrapes in his lifetime, did not lose his head.
He took the baron's jesuit habit, put it on. Candide
gave him the square cap and made him mount on horseback.

(01:35:03):
All this was done in the twinkling of an eye.
Let us gallop fast, master, everybody will take you for
a jesuit. Going to give directions to your men, and
we shall have passed the frontiers before they will be
able to overtake us. He flew as he spoke these words,
crying aloud in Spanish. Make way, make way for the
reverend father Colonel end Chapter fifteen, Chapter sixteen, Adventures of

(01:35:30):
the Two Travelers with two girls, two monkeys, and the
savages called o'rylons. Candide and his valet had got beyond
the barrier before it was known in the camp that
the German jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken
care to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit,

(01:35:51):
and a few bottles of wine. With their Andalusian horses,
they penetrated into an unknown country, where they perceived no
beaten track. At length, they came to a beautiful meadow
intersected with purling rills. Here our two adventurers fed their horses.
Cacambo proposed to his master to take some food, and

(01:36:12):
he set him an example. How can you ask me
to eat? Ham said Candide, after killing the baron's son
and being doomed nevermore to see the beautiful Cunegonda. What
will it avail me to spin out my wretched days
and drag them far from her in remorse and despair?

(01:36:34):
And what will the journal of Trevo say? While he
was thus lamenting his fate? He went on eating. The
sun went down. The two wanderers heard some little cries
which seemed to be uttered by women. They did not
know whether they were cries of pain or joy, but
they started up precipitately with that inquietude and alarm which

(01:36:57):
every little thing inspires in an unknown country. The noise
was made by two naked girls who tripped along the mead,
while two monkeys were pursuing them and biting their buttocks.
Candide was moved with pity. He had learned to fire
a gun in the Bulgarian service, and he was so

(01:37:18):
clever at it that he could hit a filbert in
a hedge without touching a leaf of the tree. He
took up his double barreled Spanish fusel, let it off,
and killed the two monkeys. God be praised, my dear Cacambo,
I have rescued those two poor creatures from a most
perilous situation. If I have committed a sin in killing

(01:37:39):
an inquisitor and a jesuit, I have made ample amends
by saving the lives of these girls. Perhaps they are
young ladies of family, and this adventure may procure us
great advantages in this country. He was continuing, but stopped
short when he saw the two girls tenderly embracing the monkeys,
bathing their bodies in tears, and rending the air with

(01:38:03):
the most dismal lamentations. Little did I expect to see
such good nature, said he at length to Cacambo, who
made answer, Master, you have done a fine thing. Now
you have slain the sweethearts of those two young ladies,
the sweethearts. Is it possible you are jesting, Cacambo. I

(01:38:24):
can never believe it, Dear Masta, replied Cacambo, you are
surprised at everything. Why should you think it so strange
that in some countries there are monkeys which insinuate themselves
into the good graces of the ladies. They are a
fourth part human, as I am a fourth part spaniard.
Alas replied Candide, I remember to have heard Master Pangloss

(01:38:47):
say that formerly such accidents used to happen, that these
mixtures were productive of centaurs, fawns and satyrs, and that
many of the ancients had seen such monsters. But I
looked upon them as a whole is fabulous. You ought
now to be convinced, said Cacambo, that it is the truth.
And you see what use is made of those creatures

(01:39:08):
by persons that have not had a proper education. All
I fear is that those ladies will play us some
ugly trick. These sound reflections induced Candide to leave the
meadow and to plunge into a wood. He supped there
with Cacambo, and after cursing the Portuguese inquisitor, the governor
of Buenos Aires, and the baron, they fell asleep on moss.

(01:39:32):
On awakening, they felt that they could not move, for
during the night the oriylons, who inhabited that country, and
to whom the ladies had denounced them, had bound them
with cords made of the bark of trees. They were
encompassed by fifty naked orielons armed with bows and arrows,
with clubs and flint hatchets. Some were making a large

(01:39:54):
cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and all cried, a jesuit,
a jesuit. We shall be revenged. We shall have excellent cheer.
Let us eat the jesuit. Let us eat him up.
I told you, my dear master, cried Cacambo, sadly, that
those two girls would play us some ugly trick. Candide,

(01:40:14):
seeing the cauldron in the spits, cried, we are certainly
going to be either roasted or boiled. Ah. What would
Master Pangloss say were he to see how pure nature
is formed? Everything is right may be, But I declare
it is very hard to have lost miss Cunegonde and
to be put on a spit by Oreillan's. Cacambo never

(01:40:37):
lost his head. Do not despair, said he to the
disconsolate Candide. I understand a little of the jargon of
these people. I will speak to them, be sure, said Candide,
to represent to them how frightfully inhuman it is to
cook men, and how very unchristian gentlemen, said Cacambo, you reckon,
you are to day going to feast upon a jesuit.

(01:41:01):
It is all very well. Nothing is more unjust than
thus to treat your enemies. Indeed, the law of nature
teaches us to kill our neighbor, and such is to
practice all over the world. If we do not accustom
ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better
fair But you have not the same resources as we.

(01:41:22):
Certainly it is much better to devour your enemies than
to resign to the crows and rooks the fruits of
your victory. But gentlemen, surely you would not choose to
eat your friends. You believe that you are going to
spit a Jesuit, and he is your defender. It is
the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.

(01:41:42):
As for myself, I was born in your country. This
gentleman is my master, and far from being a Jesuit,
he has just killed one whose spoils he wears. And
thence comes your mistake to convince you of the truth
of what I say. Take his habit and carry it
to the first barrier of the Jesuit kingdom, and inform

(01:42:03):
yourselves whether my master did not kill a Jesuit officer.
It will not take you long, and you can always
eat us if you find that I have lied to you,
But I have told the truth. You are too well
acquainted with the principles of public law, humanity, and justice,
not to pardon us. The Oriylans found this speech very reasonable.

(01:42:25):
They deputed two of their principal people with all expedition
to inquire into the truth of the matter. These executed
their commission like men of sense, and soon returned with
good news. The Oriylans, untied their prisoners, showed them all
sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshment, and
reconducted them to the confines of their territories, proclaiming with

(01:42:49):
great joy, he is no jesuit, He is no jesuit.
Candide could not help being surprised at the cause of
his deliverance. Who ought people? Said he, what men? What manners?
If I had not been so lucky as to run
Miss Cunegonde's brother through the body, I should have been
devoured without redemption. But after all, pure nature is good.

(01:43:14):
Since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh, have
shown me a thousand civilities, when then I was not
a Jesuit. End Chapter sixteen, Chapter seventeen. Arrival of Candide
and his valet at El Dorado, and what they saw
there you'll see, said Cacambo to Candide. As soon as

(01:43:37):
they had reached the frontiers of the Orielans. That this
hemisphere is not better than the others. Take my word
for it. Let us go back to Europe by the
shortest way. How go back, said Candide? And where shall
we go to my own country? The Bulgarians and the
Abbares are slaying all to Portugal. There I shall be burnt.

(01:44:00):
And if we abide here we are every moment in
danger of being spitted. But how can I resolve to
quit a part of the world where my dear Cunegonde resides.
Let us turn towards Cayenne, said Cacambo. There we shall
find Frenchmen who wander all over the world. They may
assist us. God will perhaps have pity on us. It

(01:44:22):
was not easy to get to Cayenne. They knew vaguely
in which direction to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages
obstructed them all the way. Their horses died of fatigue,
their provisions were consumed. They fed a whole month upon
wild fruits, and found themselves at last near a little

(01:44:46):
river bordered with cocoa trees, which sustained their lives and
their hopes. Cacambo, who was as good a counselor, as
the old woman said to Candide, we are able to
hold out no longer. We have walked enough. I see
an empty canoe near the riverside. Let us fill it
with cocoanuts, throw ourselves into it, and go with the current.

(01:45:08):
A river always leads to some inhabited spot. If we
do not find pleasant things, we shall at least find
new things. With all my heart, said Candide, let us
recommend ourselves to providence. They rode a few leagues between banks,
in some places, flowery in others, barren in some parts,

(01:45:30):
smooth in others rugged. The stream, ever widened and at
length lost itself under an arch of frightful rocks, which
reached to the sky. The two travelers had the courage
to commit themselves to the current. The river, suddenly contracting
at this place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise

(01:45:50):
and rapidity. At the end of four and twenty hours,
they saw daylight again, but their canoe was dashed to
pieces against the rocks. For a league, they had to
creep from rock to rock, until at length they discovered
an extensive plain bounded by inaccessible mountains. The country was
cultivated as much for pleasure as for necessity. On all sides,

(01:46:15):
the useful was also the beautiful. The roads were covered,
or rather adorned, with carriages of a glittering form and substance,
in which were men and women of surprising beauty, drawn
by large red sheep, which surpassed in fleetness the finest
courses in Andalusia, Tetuan, and Mechines. Here, however, is a country,

(01:46:41):
said Candide, which is better than Westphalia. He stepped out
with Cacambo towards the first village, which he saw some
children dressed in tattered brocades, played at cooits on the outskirts.
Our travelers from the other world amused themselves by looking.
On the koil were large round pieces, yellow, red and green,

(01:47:04):
which cast a singular luster. The travelers picked a few
of them off the ground. This was of gold, that
of emeralds, the other of rubies. The least of them
would have been the greatest ornament on the mogul's throne.
Without doubt, said Cacambo, these children must be the king's

(01:47:24):
sons that are playing at coits. The village schoolmaster appeared
at this moment and called them to school. There, said Candide,
is the preceptor of the royal family. The little truants
immediately quitted their game, leaving the quoits on the ground
with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up, ran

(01:47:45):
to the master, and presented them to him in a
most humble manner, giving him to understand by signs that
their royal highnesses had forgotten their gold and jewels. The schoolmaster, smiling,
flung them upon the ground, then, looking at Kandide, with
a good deal of surprise, went about his business. The travelers, however,

(01:48:06):
took care to gather up the gold, the rubies, and
the emeralds. Where are we cried Kandide. The king's children
in this country must be well brought up, since they
are taught to despise gold and precious stones. Kacambo was
as much surprised as Candide. At length, they drew near
the first house in the village. It was built like

(01:48:28):
a European palace. A crowd of people pressed about the door,
and there was still more in the house. They heard
most agreeable music and were aware of a delicious odor
of cooking. Kacambo went up to the door and heard
they were talking Peruvian. It was his mother tongue, for
it is well known that Kocambo was born in Tucuman,

(01:48:51):
in a village where no other language was spoken. I
will be your interpreter here, said he to Kandide. Let
us go in. It is a public house. Immediately, two
waiters and two girls, dressed in cloth of gold and
their hair tied up with ribbons, invited them to sit
down to table with the landlord. They served four dishes

(01:49:14):
of soup, each garnished with two young parrots, a boiled
condor which weighed two hundred pounds, two roasted monkeys of
excellent flavor, three hundred hummingbirds in one dish, and six
hundred fly birds in another. Exquisite rockoats, delicious pastries. The

(01:49:34):
whole served up in dishes of a kind of rock crystal.
The waiters and girls poured out several liqueurs drawn from
the sugar cane. Most of the company were chapmen and wagoners,
all extremely polite. They asked Cacambo a few questions with
the greatest circumspection, and answered his in the most obliging manner.

(01:49:58):
As soon as dinner was over, Cacambo believed, as well
as Candide, that they might well pay their reckoning by
laying down two of those large gold pieces which they
had picked up. The landlord and ladlady shouted with laughter
and held their sides. When the fit was over, Gentlemen,
said the landlord, it is plain you are strangers, and

(01:50:20):
such guests we are not accustomed to see. Pardon us, therefore,
for laughing when you offered us the pebbles from our
high roads in payment of your reckoning. You doubtless have
not the money of the country. But it is not
necessary to have any money at all to dine in
this house. All hostelries established for the convenience of commerce

(01:50:42):
are paid by the government. You have fared, but very indifferently,
because this is a poor village. But everywhere else you
will be received as you deserve. Cacambo explained this whole
discourse with great astonishment to Candide, who was as greatly
astonished to hear it. What sort of a country, then,

(01:51:04):
is this, said they to one another, a country unknown
to all the rest of the world, and where nature
is of a kind so different from ours. It is
probably the country where all is well, for there absolutely
must be one such place. And whatever Master Pangloss might say,
I often found that things went very ill in Westphalia

(01:51:30):
end Chapter seventeen, Chapter eighteen what they saw in the
country of El Dorado. Cacambo expressed his curiosity to the landlord,
who made answer, I am very ignorant, but not the worse.
On that account, however, we have in this neighborhood an
old man retired from court, who is a most learned

(01:51:53):
and most communicative person in the kingdom. At once he
took Cacambo to the old man can indeed acted now
only a second character, and accompanied his valet. They entered
a very plain house, for the door was only of silver,
and the ceilings were only of gold, but wrought in
so elegant a taste as to vie with the richest.

(01:52:16):
The ante chamber, indeed was only encrusted with rubies and emeralds,
but the order in which everything was arranged made amends
for this great simplicity. The old man received the strangers
on his sofa, which was stuffed with hummingbird's feathers, and
ordered his servants to present them with liqueurs in diamond goblets,

(01:52:37):
after which he satisfied their curiosity in the following terms.
I am now one hundred and seventy two years old,
and I learnt of my late father, Master of the
Horse to the King, the amazing revolutions of Peru, of
which he had been an eye witness. The kingdom we

(01:53:01):
now inhabit is the ancient country of the Incas, who
quitted it very imprudently to conquer another part of the world,
and were at length destroyed by the Spaniards. More Wise,
by far were the princes of their family, who remained

(01:53:22):
in their native country, And they ordained, with the consent
of the whole nation, that none of the inhabitants should
ever be permitted to quit this little kingdom, and this
has preserved our innocence and happiness. The Spaniards have had
a confused notion of this country. They have called it

(01:53:43):
El Dorado, and an Englishman whose name was Sir Walter Raleigh,
came very near it about a hundred years ago. But
being surrounded by inaccessible rocks and precipices, we have hitherto
been sheltered from the rapaciousness of European nations, who have

(01:54:04):
an inconceivable passion for the pebbles and dirt of our land,
for the sake of which they would murder us to
the last man. The conversation was long. It turned chiefly
on their form of government, their manners, their women, their
public entertainments, and the arts. At length, Candide, having always

(01:54:27):
had a taste for metaphysics, made Cacambo ask whether there
was any religion in that country. The old man reddened
a little, how then said he, can you doubt it?
Do you take us for ungrateful wretches. Cacambo humbly asked
what was the religion in El Dorado? The old man

(01:54:49):
reddened again. Can there be two religions? Said he? We have.
I believe the religion of all the world. We worship
God night and morning. Do you worship but one? Count?
Said Cacambo, who still acted as interpreter in representing Candide's doubts.

(01:55:10):
Charley said the old man, there are not two, nor
three nor four. I must confess to people from your
side of the world ask very extraordinary questions. Candide was
not yet tired of interrogating the good old man. He
wanted to know in what manner they prayed to God
in El Dorado. We do not pray to him, said

(01:55:32):
the worthy sage. We have nothing to ask of him.
He has given us all we need and we return
him thanks without ceasing. Candide, having a curiosity to see
the priests, ask where they were. The good old man smiled.
My friend said he. We are all priests, the king,

(01:55:53):
and all the heads of families sing solemn canticles of
thanksgiving every morning, accompanied by five or six thousand musicians.
What have you no monks who teach, who dispute, who govern,
who cabal, and who burn people that are not of
their opinion. We must be mad. Indeed, if that were

(01:56:15):
the case, said the old man. Here we are all
of one opinion, and we know not what you mean
by monks. During this whole discourse, Candide was in raptures,
and he said to himself, this is vastly different from
Westphalia and the Baron's castle. Had our friend Pangloss seen
El Dorado, he would no longer have said that the

(01:56:37):
castle of thunder ten Trunk was the finest upon earth.
It is evident that one must travel. After this long conversation,
the old man ordered a coach and six sheep to
be got ready, and twelve of his domestics to conduct
the travelers to court. Excuse me, said he, if my
age deprives me of the honor of accompanying you. The

(01:56:59):
King will receive you in a manner that cannot displease you,
and no doubt you will make an allowance for the
customs of the country if something should not be to
your liking. Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the
six sheep flew, and in less than four hours they
reached the King's Palace, situated at the extremity of the capitol.

(01:57:23):
The portal was two hundred and twenty feet high and
one hundred wide. But words are wanting to express the
materials of which it was built. It is plain such
materials must have prodigious superiority over those pebbles and sand,
which we call gold and precious stones. Twenty beautiful damsels

(01:57:45):
of the King's guard received Candide and Cacambo as they
alighted from the coach, conducted them to the bath and
dressed them in robes woven of the down of hummingbirds,
after which the Great Crown Officer of both sexes led
them to the King's apartment between two files of musicians,

(01:58:06):
a thousand on each side. When they drew near to
the audience chamber, Cacambo asked one of the great officers
in what way he should pay his obeissance to his Majesty,
Whether they should throw themselves upon their knees or on
their stomachs, whether they should put their hands upon their
heads or behind their backs, whether they should lick the

(01:58:29):
dust off the floor. In a word, what was the ceremony?
The castam said, the great officer is to embrace the
King and to kiss him on each cheek. Candide and
Cacambo threw themselves round his Majesty's neck. He received them
with all the goodness imaginable, and politely invited them to supper.

(01:58:52):
While waiting, they were shown the city and saw the
public edifices raised as high as the clouds, the market
places ornamented with a thousand columns, the fountains of spring water,
those of rose water, those of liqueurs drawn from sugar cane,
incessantly flowing into the great squares, which were paved with

(01:59:15):
a kind of precious stone, which gave off a delicious
fragrancy like that of clothes and cinnamon. Candide asked to
see the court of justice, the parliament. They told him
they had none, and that they were strangers to lawsuits.
He asked if they had any prisons, and they answered no.

(01:59:35):
But what surprised him most and gave him the greatest pleasure,
was the Palace of Sciences, where he saw a gallery
two thousand feet long and filled with instruments employed in
mathematics and physics. After rambling about the city the whole afternoon,
and seeing but a thousandth part of it, they were

(01:59:56):
reconducted to the Royal Palace, where Candides sat down to
table with his Majesty, his Valet Cacambo, and several ladies.
Never was there a better entertainment, and never was more
wit shown at table than that which fell from his majesty.
Cacambo explained the kings Bonmotz to Candide, and notwithstanding they

(02:00:18):
were translated, they still appeared to be Bonmotz. Of all
the things that surprise Candide, this was not the least.
They spent a month in this hospitable place. Candide frequently
said to Cacambo, I own, my friend once more, that
the castle where I was born is nothing in comparison

(02:00:38):
with this. But after all, Miss Cunegonde is not here,
and you have, without doubt some mistress in Europe. If
we abide here, we shall only be upon a footing
with the rest. Whereas if we returned to our old
world only with twelve sheep laden with the pebbles of
El Dorado, we shall be richer than all the kings

(02:00:58):
in Europe. We shall have no more inquisitors to fear,
and we may easily recover Miss Cunegonde. This speech was
agreeable to Cacambo. Mankind are so fond of roving, of
making a figure in their own country, and of boasting
of what they have seen in their travels, that the
too happy ones resolved to be no longer so but

(02:01:20):
to ask his Majesty's leave to quit the country, you
are foolish, said the king. I am sensible that my
kingdom is but a small place. But when a person
is comfortably settled in any part, he should abide there.
I have not the right to detain strangers. It is
a tyranny which neither our manners nor our laws permit.

(02:01:43):
All men are free go when you wish, but the
going will be very difficult. It is impossible to ascend
that rapid river on which you came, as by a miracle,
and which runs under vaulted rocks. The mountains which surround
my kingdom are ten thousand feet high, and as steep
as walls. They are each over ten leagues in breadth,

(02:02:07):
and there is no other way to descend them than
by precipices. However, since you absolutely wish to depart, I
shall give orders to my engineers to construct a machine
that will convey you very safely. When we have conducted
you over the mountains. No one can accompany you further,
for my subjects have made a vow never to quit

(02:02:29):
the kingdom, and they are too wise to break it.
Hum ask me, besides anything that you please, We desire
nothing of your majesty, said Candide, but a few sheep
laden with provisions, pebbles, and the earth of this country.
The king laughed. II cannot conceive, said he, what pleasure

(02:02:51):
you Europeans find in our yellow clay. But take as
much as you like, and great good may it do you.
At once he gave directions that his engineers should construct
a machine to hoist up these two extraordinary men out
of the kingdom. Three thousand good mathematicians went to work.
It was ready in fifteen days and did not cost

(02:03:13):
more than twenty million sterling. In the specie of that country.
They placed Candide and Cacambo. On the machine. There were
two great red sheep saddled and bridled, to ride upon
as soon as they were beyond the mountains, twenty pack
sheep laden with provisions, thirty with presents of the curiosities
of the country, and fifty with gold, diamonds and precious stones.

(02:03:38):
The king embraced the two wanderers very tenderly. Their departure,
with the ingenious manner in which they and their sheep
were hoisted over the mountains was a splendid spectacle. The
mathematicians took their leave after conveying them to a place
of safety, and Candide had no other desire, no other

(02:03:59):
aim than and to present his sheep to Miss Cunegonde.
Now said he, we are able to pay the governor
of Buenos Aires if Miss Kinnegonda can be ransomed. Let
us journey towards Cayenne. Let us embark, and we will
afterwards see what kingdom we shall be able to purchase.

(02:04:20):
End Chapter eighteen. Chapter nineteen, What happened to them at Suriname,
and how Candide got acquainted with Martin. Our travelers spent
the first day very agreeably. They were delighted with possessing
more treasure than all Asia, Europe and Africa could scrape together. Candide,

(02:04:42):
in his raptures, cut Cunegonda's name on the trees. The
second day, two of their sheep plunged into a morass,
where they and their burdens were lost. Two more died
of fatigue a few days after, seven or eight perished
with hunger in a desert, and others subsequently fell down precipices.

(02:05:02):
At length, after traveling a hundred days, only two sheep remained,
said Candide to Cacambo, My friend, you see how perishable
are the riches of this world. There is nothing solid
but virtue and the happiness of seeing Cunegonde once more.
I grant all you say, said Cacambo. But we have

(02:05:26):
still two sheep remaining, with more treasure than the King
of Spain will ever have. And I see a town
which I take to be Surinam, belonging to the Dutch.
We are at the end of all our troubles and
at the beginning of happiness. As they drew near the town,
they saw a negro stretched upon the ground with only
one waity of his clothes, that is, of his blue

(02:05:49):
linen drawers. The poor man had lost his left leg
and his right hand. Good God, said Candide in Dutch,
What art thou doing here, friend, in that shocking condition?
I'm waiting for my master, my near Vanderdender, the famous merchant,
answered the negro. Was it my near Vanderdender, said Candide,

(02:06:12):
that treated thee thus, Yes, sir, said the Negro. It
is the custom. They give us a pair of linen
drawers for our whole garmentwice a year. When we work
at the sugar canes and the mills, snatches hold of
a finger, they cut off the hand, And when we
attempt to run away, they cut off the leg. Both

(02:06:34):
cases have happened to me. This is the price at
which you eat sugar in Europe. Yet, when my mother
sold me for tin patagons on the coast of Guinea,
she said to me, my dear child, bless our fetishes.
Adore them forever, for they will make thee live happily.
Thou hast the honor of being the slave of our lords,

(02:06:58):
the whites, which is making the fortune of thy father
and mother. Alas I know not whether I have made
their fortunes, this, I know that they have not made mine.
Dogs monkeys and parrots are a thousand times less wretched
than I. The Dutch fetiches who have converted me declare

(02:07:19):
every Sunday that we are all of us children of Adam,
blacks as well as whites. I am not a genealogist,
but if these preachers tell truth, we are all second cousins.
Now you must agree that it is impossible to treat
one's relations in a more barbarous manner. Oh, Pangloss, cried Candide,

(02:07:41):
thou hadst not guessed at this abomination. It is the end.
I must at last renounce thy optimism. What is this optimism,
said Cacambo. Alas said Candide, it is the madness of
maintaining that everything is right when it is wrong. Looking
at the negro, he shed tears and weeping. He entered Suriname.

(02:08:06):
The first thing they inquired after was whether there was
a vessel in the harbor which could be sent to
Buenos Aires. The person to whom they applied was a
Spanish sea captain, who offered to agree with them upon
reasonable terms. He appointed to meet them at a public house,
whither Candide and the faithful Cacambo went with their two
sheep and awaited his coming. Candide, who had his heart

(02:08:28):
upon his lips, told the Spaniard all his adventures, and
avowed that he intended to elope with Miss Cunegonda. That
I will take care not to carry you to Buenos Aires,
said the seaman. I should be hanged, and so would you.
The fair Cunegonda is my lord's favorite mistress. This was
a thunderclap for Candide. He wept for a long while.

(02:08:50):
At last he drew Cacambo aside. Here, my dear friend,
said he to him, this thou must do. We have
each of us in his pocket fire five or six
millions in diamonds. You are more clever than I. You
must go and bring miss Cunegonde from Buenos Aires. If
the governor makes any difficulty, give him a million. If

(02:09:12):
he will not relinquish her, give him two. As you
have not killed an inquisitor, they will have no suspicion
of you. I'll get another ship and go and wait
for you at Venice. That's a free country where there
is no danger either from Bulgarians, Abbares, Jews or inquisitors.
Cacambo applauded this wise resolution. He despaired at parting from

(02:09:33):
so good a master who had become his intimate friend.
But the pleasure of serving him prevailed over the pain
of leaving him. They embraced with tears. Candide charged him
not to forget the good old woman. Cacambo set out
that very same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.

(02:09:53):
Candide stayed some time longer in Surinam, waiting for another
captain to carry him and the two remaining sheep to Italy.
After he had hired domestics and purchased everything necessary for
a long voyage, my near Vanderdender, captain of a large vessel,
came and offered his services. How much will you charge,

(02:10:14):
said he to this man to carry me straight to Venice, me,
my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep. The skipper asked,
ten thousand piastes. Candide did not hesitate. Oh, oh, said
the prudent Vanderdender to himself. This strange jug gives ten
thousand piastres unhesitatingly, he must be very rich. Returning a

(02:10:40):
little while after, he let him know that, upon second consideration,
he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty
thousand piastes. Well, you shall have them, said Candide. Ay,
said the skipper to himself, this man agrees to pay
twenty thousand piastes, with as much ease as ten m.

(02:11:02):
He went back to him again and declared that he
could not carry him to Venice for less than thirty
thousand piastres. Then you shall have thirty thousand, replied Candide. Oh, oh,
said the Dutch skipper once more to himself. Thirty thousand
piastres on a trifle to this man. Surely these sheep
must be laden with an immense treasure. Let us say

(02:11:24):
no more about it. First of all, let him pay
down the thirty thousand piastes. Then we shall see. Candide
sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth
more than what the skipper asked for his freight. He
paid him in advance. The two sheep were put on board.
Candide followed in a little boat to join the vessel

(02:11:47):
in the roads. The skipper seized this opportunity, set sail
and put out to sea, the wind favoring him. Candide,
dismayed and stupefied, soon lost sight of the vessel. Alas
said he, this is a trick worthy of the old world.
He put back overwhelmed with sorrow, for indeed he had

(02:12:11):
lost sufficient to make the fortune of twenty monarchs. He
waited upon the Dutch magistrate, and in his distress, he
knocked over loudly at the door. He entered and told
his adventure, raising his voice with unnecessary vehemence. The magistrate
began by finding him ten thousand piastres for making a noise.

(02:12:32):
Then he listened patiently, promised to examine into his affair
at the skipper's return, and ordered him to pay ten
thousand piastres for the expense of the hearing. This drove
Candide to despair. He had indeed endured misfortunes a thousand
times worse. The coolness of the magistrate and of the
skipper who had robbed him roused his collar and flung

(02:12:54):
him into a deep melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented
its before his imagination in all its deformity, and his
mind was filled with gloomy ideas. At length, hearing that
a French vessel was ready to set sail for Bordeaux.
As he had no sheep laden with diamonds to take

(02:13:15):
along with him, he hired a cabin at the usual
price he made it known in the town that he
would pay the passage and board, and give two thousand
piastres to any honest man who would make the voyage
with him, upon condition that this man was the most
dissatisfied with his state and the most unfortunate in the

(02:13:36):
whole province. Such a crowd of candidates presented themselves that
a fleet of ships could hardly have held them. Candide,
being desirous of selecting from among the best, marked out
about one twentieth of them, who seemed to be sociable men,
and who all pretended to merit his preference. He assembled
them at his inn and gave them a supper, on

(02:13:58):
condition that each took an oath to relate his history faithfully,
promising to choose him who appeared to be most justly
discontented with his state, and to bestow some presence upon
the rest. They sat until four o'clock in the morning. Candide,
in listening to all their adventures, was reminded of what
the old woman had said to him in their voyage

(02:14:20):
to Buenos Aires, and of her wager that there was
not a person on board the ship, but had met
with very great misfortunes. He dreamed of Pangloss at every
adventure told to him. This Pangloss said he would be
puzzled to demonstrate his system. I wish that he were here. Certainly,
if all things are good, it is in El Dorado,

(02:14:42):
and not in the rest of the world. At length,
he made choice of a poor man of letters who
had worked ten years for the booksellers of Amsterdam. He
judged that there was not in the whole world a
trade which could discuss one more. This philosopher was an
honest man, but he had been robbed by his wife,
beaten by his son, and abandoned by his daughter, who

(02:15:05):
got a Portuguese to run away with her. He had
just been deprived of a small employment on which he subsisted,
and he was persecuted by the preachers of Surinam, who
took him for a Socinian. We must allow that the
others were at least as wretched as he. But Candide
hoped that the philosopher would entertain him during the voyage.

(02:15:25):
All the other candidates complained that Candide had done them
great injustice, but he appeased them by giving one hundred
piastres to each end Chapter nineteen, Chapter twenty, What happened
at sea to Candide and Martin. The old philosopher whose
name was Martin, embarked then with Candide for Bordeaux. They

(02:15:50):
had both seen and suffered a great deal, and if
the vessel had sailed from Surinam to Japan by the
Cape of Good Hope, the subject of moral and natural
evil would have enabled them to entertain one another during
the whole voyage. Candide, however, had one great advantage over Martin,
in that he always hoped to see miss Cunegonde, whereas

(02:16:13):
Martin had nothing at all to hope. Besides, Candide was
possessed of money and jewels, and though he had lost
one hundred large red sheep, laden with the greatest treasure
upon earth. Though the knavery of the Dutch skipper still
sat heavy on his mind. Yet when he reflected upon
what he had still left, and when he mentioned the

(02:16:34):
name of Cunegonde, especially towards the latter end of a repast,
he inclined to Pangloss's doctrine. But you, mister Martin, said
he to the philosopher, what do you think of all this?
What are your ideas on moral and natural evil? Sir?
Answered Martin, our priest accused me of being a Socinian.

(02:16:56):
But the real fact is I am a manic Chaian.
You jest, said Candide. There are no longer Manicheans in
the world. I am one, said Martin. I cannot help it.
I know not how to think otherwise. Surely you must
be possessed by the devil, said Kandide. He is so
deeply concerned in the affairs of this world, answered Martin,

(02:17:20):
that he may very well be in me, as well
as in everybody else. But I own to you that
when I cast an eye on this globe, or rather
on this little ball, I cannot help thinking that God
has abandoned it to some malignant being. I accept always
el Dorado. I scarcely ever knew a city that did

(02:17:43):
not desire the destruction of a neighboring city, nor a
family that did not wish to exterminate some other family. Everywhere,
the weak execrate the powerful, before whom they cringe, and
the powerful beat them like sheep whose wool and flesh
they sell. A million regimented assassins from one extremity of

(02:18:06):
Europe to the other get their bread by disciplined depredation
and murder for want of more honest employment. Even in
those cities which seem to enjoy peace, and where the
arts flourish, the inhabitants are devoured by more envy, care,
and uneasiness than are experienced by a besieged town. Secret

(02:18:30):
griefs are more cruel than public calamities. In a word,
I have seen so much, and experienced so much, that
I am a Manichean. There are, however, some things good,
said Candide. That may be, said Martin, but I know
them not. In the middle of this dispute they heard

(02:18:52):
the report of cannon. It redoubled every instant. Each took
out his glass. They saw two ships in close fight,
about three three miles off. The wind brought both so
near to the French vessel that our travelers had the
pleasure of seeing the fight at their ease. At length.
One let off a broadside so low and so truly aimed,

(02:19:14):
that the other sank to the bottom. Candide and Martin
could plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of
the sinking vessel. They raised their hands to heaven and
uttered terrible outcries, and the next moment was swallowed up
by the sea. Well, said Martin, this is how men
treat one another. It is true, said Candide, there is

(02:19:37):
something diabolical in this affair. While speaking, he saw he
knew not what of a shining red swimming close to
the vessel. They put out the longboat to see what
it could be. It was one of his sheep. Candide
was more rejoiced at the recovery of this one sheep
than he had been grieved at the loss of the

(02:19:58):
hundred laden with the large diamonds of El Dorado. The
French captain soon saw that the captain of the victorious
vessel was a Spaniard, and that the other was a
Dutch pirate, and the very same one who had robbed Candide.
The immense plunder which this villain had amassed was buried
with him in the sea, and out of the whole

(02:20:20):
only one sheep was saved. You see, said Candide to Martin,
that crime is sometimes punished. This rogue of a Dutch
skipper has met with the fate he deserved. Yes, said Martin,
But why should the passengers be doomed also to destruction.
God has punished the knave, and the devil has drowned

(02:20:42):
the rest the French and Spanish ships continued their course,
and Candide continued his conversation with Martin. They disputed fifteen
successive days, and on the last of those fifteen days
they were as far advanced as on the first. But
however they chatted, they communicated ideas, they consoled each other.

(02:21:05):
Candide caressed his sheep. Since I have found thee again,
said he, I may likewise chance to find my cunegonde.
End Chapter twenty. Chapter twenty one, Candide and Martin, reasoning,
draw near the coast of France. At length they descried

(02:21:28):
the coast of France. Were you ever in France, mister Martin,
said Candide, Yes, said Martin, I have been in several provinces.
In some one half of the people are fools. In
others they are too cunning. In some they are weak
and simple. In others they affect to be witty. In all,

(02:21:50):
the principal occupation is love, the next is slander, and
the third is talking nonsense. But mister Martin, have you seens, Yes,
I have. All these kinds are found there. It is
a chaars, a confused multitude, where everybody seeks pleasure, and

(02:22:11):
scarcely anyone finds it, at least as it appeared to me.
I made a short stay there. On my arrival, I
was robbed of all I had by pickpockets at the
fair of Saint Germain. I myself was taken for a
robber and was imprisoned for eight days, after which I

(02:22:32):
served as corrector of the press to gain the money
necessary for my return to Holland. On foot, I knew
the whole scribbling rabble, the party rabble, the fanatic rabble.
It is said that there are very polite people in
that city, and I wish to believe it. For my part,

(02:22:52):
I have no curiosity to see France, said Candide. You
may easily imagine that after spending a month at El Dorado,
I can desire to behold nothing upon earth. But miss Cuonegonde,
I go to await her at Venice. We shall pass
through France on our way to Italy. Will you bear
me company with all my heart? Said Martin. It is

(02:23:13):
said that Venice is fit only for its own nobility,
but that strangers meet with a very good reception if
they have a good deal of money. I have none
of it you have. Therefore, I will follow you all
over the world. But do you believe said Candide, that
the earth was originally a sea, as we find it
asserted in that large book belonging to the captain. I

(02:23:36):
do not believe a word of it, said Martin, any
more than I do of the many ravings which have
been published lately. But for what in then, has this
world been formed? Said Candide, to plague us to death,
answered Martin, Are you not greatly surprised, continued Candide, at
the love which these two girls of the Orielons had

(02:23:59):
for those monkeys of which I have already told you,
Not at all, said Martin. I do not see that
that passion was strange. I have seen so many extraordinary
things that I have ceased to be surprised. Do you believe,
said Candide, that men have always massacred each other as
they do to day? That they have always been liars, cheats, traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, gluttons, drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious,

(02:24:32):
bloody minded calumniators, de bouchets, fanatics, hypocrites and fools. Do
you believe, said Martin, that hawks have always eaten pigeons
when they have found them? Yes, without doubt, said Candide. Well, then,
said Martin. If hawks have always had the same character,

(02:24:53):
why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs? Oh,
said Candide. There is a vast deal of difference for
free will and reasoning. Thus they arrived at Bordeaux end
Chapter twenty one, Chapter twenty two. What happened in France
to Candide and Martin. Candide stayed in Bordeaux no longer

(02:25:17):
than was necessary for the selling of a few of
the pebbles of El Dorado, and for hiring a good
chaise to hold two passengers, for he could not travel
without his philosopher Martin. He was only vexed at parting
with his sheep, which he left to the Bordeaux Academy
of Sciences, who set as a subject for that year's

(02:25:38):
prize to find why this sheep's wool was read. And
the prize was awarded to a learned man of the North,
who demonstrated, by a plus B minus C divided by Z,
that the sheep must be read and die of the rot. Meanwhile,
all the travelers whom Candide met in the inns along

(02:25:58):
his route, said to him, we go to Paris. This
general eagerness at length gave him too a desire to
see this capital, and it was not so very great
a detour from the road to Venice. He entered Paris
by the suburb of Saint Marceau, and fancied that he
was in the dirtiest village of Westphalia. Scarcely was Candide

(02:26:21):
arrived at his inn than he found himself attacked by
a slight illness caused by fatigue, as he had a
very large diamond on his finger, and the people of
the inn had taken notice of a prodigiously heavy box
among his baggage. There were two physicians to attend him,
though he had never sent for them, and two devotees

(02:26:43):
who warmed his broths. I remember, Martin said also to
have been sick at Paris in my first voyage. I
was very poor. Thus I had neither friends, devotes, nor doctors,
and I recovered. However, what with physics and bleeding, Candide's
illness became serious. A parson of the neighborhood came with

(02:27:05):
great meekness to ask for a bill for the other world,
payable to the bearer. Candide would do nothing for him,
but the devotees assured him it was the new fashion.
He answered that he was not a man of fashion.
Martin wished to throw the priest out of the window.
The priests swore that they would not bury Candide. Martin

(02:27:27):
swore that he would bury the priest if he continued
to be troublesome. The quarrel grew, heated, Martin took him
by the shoulders and roughly turned him out of doors,
which occasioned great scandal and a lawsuit. Candide got well again,
and during his convalescence he had very good company to
sup with him. They played high. Candide wondered why it

(02:27:51):
was that the ace never came to him, but Martin
was not at all astonished. Among those who did him
the honors of the town was a little Abbe of Perigord,
one of those busybodies who are ever alert, officious, forward,
fawning and complaisant, who watch for strangers in their passage

(02:28:12):
through the capitol, tell them the scandalous history of the
town and offer them pleasure at all prices. He first
took Candide and Martin to La Comedy, where they played
a new tragedy. Candide happened to be seated near some
of the fashionable wits. This did not prevent his shedding
tears at the well acted scenes. One of these critics

(02:28:34):
at his side said to him, between the acts, your
tears are misplaced. That is a shocking actress. The actor
who plays with her is yet worse, and the play
is still worse than the actors. The author does not
know a word of Arabic, yet the scene is in Arabia. Moreover,

(02:28:57):
he is a man that does not believe in innate ideas.
And I will bring you tomorrow twenty pamphlets written against him.
How many dramas have you in France, Sir, said Candide
to the Abbe, five or six thousand? What a number?
Said Candide? How many good? Fifteen or sixteen, replied the other,

(02:29:20):
What a number? Said Martin. Candide was very pleased with
an actress who played Queen Elizabeth in a somewhat insipid tragedy.
Sometimes acted that actress, said he to Martin, pleases me much.
She has a likeness to Miss Cunegonde. I should be
very glad to wait upon her. The Perigordian Abbe offered

(02:29:41):
to introduce him. Candide, brought up in Germany, asked what
was the etiquette and how they treated queens of England,
in France, it is necessary to make distinction, said the Abbe.
In the provinces, one takes them to the inn. In Paris,
one respects them when they are beautiful, and throws them
on the h highway when they are dead. Queen's on

(02:30:02):
the highway, said Candide. Yes, truly, said Martin, the Abbe
is right. I was in Paris when Miss Monny May
passed as saying, is from this life to the other.
She was refused what people call the honors of sepuncture,
that is to say, of rotting with all the beggars
of the neighborhood. In an ugly cemetery. She was interred

(02:30:25):
all alone by her company at the corner of the
Rue de Bougonne, which ought to trouble her much, for
she thought nobly, that was very uncivil, said Candide. What
would you have said, Martin? These people are made thus
imagine all contradictions, all possible incompatibilities. You will find them

(02:30:47):
in the government, in the law court, and the churches,
in the public shows of this stroll nation. Is it
true that they always laugh in Paris, said Candide. Yes,
said the Abbe, But it means nothing, for they complain
of everything with great fits of laughter. They even do
the most detestable things while laughing. Who, said Candide, is

(02:31:10):
that great pig who spoke so ill of the piece
at which I wept, and of the actors who gave
me so much pleasure? He is a bad character, answered
the Abbe, who gains his livelihood by saying evil of
all plays and of all books. He hates whatever succeeds,
as the eunuchs hate those who enjoy. He is one

(02:31:31):
of the serpents of literature, who nourished themselves on dirt
and spite. He is a filiculaire. What is a filiculaire,
said Candide. It is, said the Abbe, a pamphleteer, a frearn.
Thus Candide, Martin and the Perigordian conversed on the staircase

(02:31:54):
while watching everyone go out after the performance. Although I
am eager to see Kunegar wonder again, said Candide, I
should like to sup with miss Claron, for she appears
to me admirable. The Abbe was not the man to
approach Miss Claron, who saw only good company. She is
engaged for this evening, he said, But I shall have

(02:32:16):
the honor to take you to the house of a
lady of quality, and there you will know Paris as
if you had lived in it for years. Candide, who
was naturally curious, let himself be taken to this lady's
house at the end of the Faubourg Saint Honore. The
company was occupied in playing Pharaoh. A dozen melancholy punters

(02:32:39):
held each in his hand a little pack of cards,
a bad record of his misfortunes. Profound silence reigned, pallor
was on the faces of the punters, anxiety on that
of the banker and the hostess. Sitting near the unpitying
banker noticed with lynx eyes all the doubled and other

(02:33:01):
increased stakes. As each player dogs eared his cards, she
made them turn down the edges again with severe but
polite attention. She showed no vexation for fear of losing
her customers. The lady insisted upon being called the Marchioness
of Parolignac. Her daughter, aged fifteen, was among the punters

(02:33:25):
and notified with a covert glance the cheatings of the
poor people who tried to repair the cruelties of fate.
The Perigordian abbe, Candide and Martin entered. No one rose,
no one saluted them. No one looked at them. All
were profoundly occupied with their cards. The barreness of thunder

(02:33:46):
tin trunk was more polite, said Candide. However, the abbe
whispered to the marchioness, who half rose, honored Candide with
a gracious smile, and Martin with a condescending nod. She
gave a seat and a pack of cards to Candide,
who lost fifty thousand francs in two deals, after which
they supped very gaily, and every one was astonished that

(02:34:10):
Candide was not moved by his loss. The servants said
among themselves, in the language of servants, some English lord
is here this evening. The supper passed at first, like
most Parisian suppers, in silence, followed by a noise of
words which could not be distinguished. Then with pleasantries, of
which most were insipid, with false news, with bad reasoning,

(02:34:34):
a little politics, and much evil speaking. They also discussed
new books. Have you seen, said the Perigordian abbe, the
romance of Sieur Gausha, doctor of Divinity? Yes, said one
of the guests, but I have not been able to
finish it. We have a crowd of silly writings, But
altogether do not approach the impertinence of Gauchat, doctor of Divinity.

(02:34:58):
I am so satiated with the great, great number of
detestable books with which we are inundated, that I am
reduced to punting at Pharaoh and the milanches of Archdeacon
troublet What do you say of that? Said the abbe Ah,
said the Marchioness of Parolignac, the wearisome martal. How curiously

(02:35:19):
he repeats to you all that the world knows, how
heavily he discusses that which is not worth the trouble
of lightly remarking upon how without wit he appropriates the
wit of others, how he spoils what he steals, how
he disgusts me. But he will disgust me no longer.

(02:35:42):
It is enough to have read a few of the
Archdeacon's pages. There was a table a wise man of
taste who supported the Marchioness. They spoke afterwards of tragedies.
The lady asked why there were tragedies which were sometimes
played and which could not be read. The man of
taste explained very well how a piece could have some

(02:36:04):
interest and have almost no merit. He proved in a
few words that it was not enough to introduce one
or two of those situations which one finds in all romances,
and which always seduced the spectator, but that it was
necessary to be new, without being odd, often sublime, and

(02:36:25):
always natural, to know the human heart and to make
it speak, To be a great poet without allowing any
person in the piece to appear to be a poet,
To know language perfectly, to speak it with purity, with
continuous harmony, and without rhythm, ever taking anything from sense.

(02:36:47):
Whoever added, he does not observe all these rules can
produce one or two tragedies applauded at a theater, but
he will never be counted in the ranks of good writer.
There are very few good tragedies. Some are idols in dialog,
well written and well rhymed. Others political reasonings which lull

(02:37:10):
to sleep, or amplifications which repel others, demoniac dreams in
barbarous style, interrupted in sequence with long apostrophes to the gods,
because they do not know how to speak to men,
with false maxims, with bombastic commonplaces. Candide listened with attention

(02:37:32):
to this discourse and conceived a great idea of the speaker,
And as the Marchioness had taken care to place him
beside her, he leaned towards her and took the liberty
of asking who was the man who had spoken so well.
He is a scholar, said the lady, who does not play,
whom the abbess sometimes brings to supper. He is perfectly

(02:37:56):
at home among tragedies and books. And he has written
a tragedy which was histe, and a book of which
nothing has ever been seen outside his bookseller's shop, excepting
the copy which he dedicated to me. The great man
said Candide, he is another pangloss. Then, turning towards him,

(02:38:17):
he said, sir, you think doubtless that all is for
the best in the moral and physical world, and that
nothing could be otherwise than it is. Ay, sir, answered
the scholar, I know nothing of all that. I find
that all goes awry with me. That no one knows
either what is his rank, nor what is his condition,

(02:38:39):
what he does, nor what he ought to do, And
that except supper, which is always gay, and where there
appears to be enough concord, all the rest of the
time is passed in impertinent quarrels. Jansenest against Molinist, parliament
against the church, men of letters against men of letters,
courtisans against tortoise AND's, financiers against the people, wives against husbands,

(02:39:05):
relatives against relatives. It is eternal war. I have seen
the worst, Candide replied, But a wise man who since
has had the misfortune to be hanged, taught me that
all is marvelously well. These are but the shadows on
a beautiful picture. Your hanged man marks the world, said Martin.

(02:39:27):
The shadows are horrible blots. They are men who make
the blots, said Candide, and they cannot be dispensed with.
It is not their fault, then, said Martin. Most of
the punters, who understood nothing of this language, drank, and
Martin reasoned with the scholar, and Candide related some of
his adventures to his hostess. After supper, the marchioness took

(02:39:50):
Candide into her boudoir and made him sit upon a sofa.
Ah well, said she to him. You love desperately, Miss Cunegonde,
of than under tin trunk, Yes, madam, answered Candide. The
marchionist replied to him, with a tender smile, You answer
me like a young man from Westphalia. A Frenchman would

(02:40:11):
have said, it is true that I have loved Miss Cunegonde,
but seeing you, Madame, I think I no longer love her.
Alas Madame said Candide, I will answer you as you
wish your passion for her, said the marchioness, commenced by
picking up her handkerchief. I wish that you would pick

(02:40:31):
up my garter with all my heart, said Candide, and
he picked it up. But I wish that you would
put it on, said the lady, And Candide put it on.
You see, said she. You are a foreigner. I sometimes
make my Parisian lovers languish for fifteen days, but I
give myself to you the first night, because one must

(02:40:55):
do the honors of one's country to a young man
from West Falia. The lady, having perceived two enormous diamonds
upon the hands of the young foreigner, praised them with
such good faith that from Candide's fingers they passed to
her own. Candide, returning with the Perigordian Abbe, felt some

(02:41:16):
remorse in having been unfaithful to Miss Cunegonda. The Abbe
sympathized in his trouble. He had had but a light
part of the fifty thousand francs lost at play, and
of the value of the two brilliants half given, half extorted.
His design was to profit as much as he could
by the advantages which the acquaintance of Candide could procure

(02:41:39):
for him. He spoke much of Cunegonda, and Candide told
him that he should ask forgiveness of that beautiful one
for his infidelity when he should see her in Venice.
The Abbe redoubled his politeness and attentions, and took a
tender interest in all that Candide said, in all that
he did, in all that he wished to do. And so, sir,

(02:42:02):
you have a rendezvous at Venice. Yes, monsieur Abbe, answered Candide,
it is absolutely necessary that I go to meet miss Cunegonde.
And then the pleasure of talking of that which he
loved induced him to relate according to his custom, part
of his adventures with the fair Westphalian. I believe, said

(02:42:22):
the Abbe, that miss Cunaganda has a great deal of wit,
and that she writes charming letters. I have never received
any from her, said Candide, for being expelled from the
castle on her account, I had not an opportunity for
writing to her. Soon after that, I heard she was dead.
Then I found her alive, Then I lost her again,

(02:42:44):
And last of all I sent an express to her
two thousand, five hundred leagues from here, and I wait
for an answer. The abbe listened attentively and seemed to
be in a brown study. He soon took his leave
of the two foreigners after a most tender embrace. The
following day, Candide received on awaking a letter couched in

(02:43:07):
these terms, my very dear love. For eight days I
have been ill in this town. I learned that you
are here. I would fly to your arms if I
could but move. I was informed of your passage at Bordeaux,
where I left faithful Cacambo and the old woman, who
are to follow me very soon. The governor of Buenos

(02:43:28):
Aires has taken all, but there remains to me. Your
heart come, Your presence will either give me life or
kill me with pleasure. This charming, this unhoped for letter,
transported Candide with an inexpressible joy, and the illness of
his dear Cunegonde overwhelmed him with grief. Divided between those

(02:43:51):
two passions, he took his gold and his diamonds and
hurried away with Martin to the hotel where miss Cunegonde
was lodged. He entered her room, trembling, his heart palpitating,
his voice sobbing. He wished to open the curtains of
the bed and ask for a light. Take care what

(02:44:11):
you do, said the servant maid. The light hurt her,
and immediately she drew the curtain again. My dear Cunegonde,
said Candide, weeping. How are you if you cannot see me,
at least speak to me. She cannot speak, said the maid.
The lady then put a plump hand out from the bed,
and Candide bathed it with his tears, and afterwards filled

(02:44:35):
it with diamonds, leaving a bag of gold upon the
easy chair. In the midst of these transports, in came
an officer, followed by the abbe and a file of soldiers.
There said he are the two suspected foreigners, and at
the same time he ordered them to be seized and
carried to prison. Travelers are not treated thus in El Dorado,

(02:44:56):
said Candide. I am more a Manichean now than ever,
said Martin. But pray, sir, where are you going to
carry us? Said Candide toward Dungeon, answered the officer. Martin,
having recovered himself a little, judged that the lady who
acted the part of Cunegonda was a cheat, that the
Perigordian Abbe was a knave who had imposed upon the

(02:45:19):
honest simplicity of Candide, and that the officer was another
knave whom they might easily silence. Candide, advised by Martin
and impatient to see the real Cunegonde, rather than expose
himself before a court of justice, proposed to the officer
to give him three small diamonds, each worth about three
thousand pistoles. Ah, Sir, said the man with the ivory baton,

(02:45:44):
Had you committed all the imaginable crimes, you would be
to me the most honest man in the world three
diamonds each worth three thousand pistoles, Sir. Instead of carrying
you to jail, I would use my life to serve you.
There are orders for arresting all foreigners, but leave it

(02:46:06):
to me. I have a brother at Dieppe, Normandy. I'll
conduct you thither, and if you have a diamond to
give him, he'll take as much care of you as
I would. And why said Candide, should all foreigners be arrested.
It is the Perigordian Abbe then made answer, because a
poor beggar of the country of Atterbeta heard some foolish

(02:46:29):
things said. This induced him to commit a parricide, not
such as that of sixteen ten in the month of May,
but such as that of fifteen ninety four in the
month of December, and such as others which have been
committed in other years and other months by other poor
devils who had heard nonsense spoken. The officer then explained

(02:46:52):
what the abbe meant. Ah the monsters cried, Candide, what
horrors among a people who dance and sing? Is there
no way of getting quickly out of this country where
monkeys provoke tigers. I have seen no bears in my country,
but men I have beheld nowhere except in El Dorado.
In the name of God, Sir, conduct me to Venice,

(02:47:13):
where I am to await Miss Cunegonde. I can conduct
you no further than lower Normandy, said the officer. Immediately,
he ordered his irons to be struck off, acknowledged himself mistaken,
sent away his men set out with Candide and Martin Fordieppe,
and left them in the care of his brother. There
was then a small Dutch ship in the harbor. The Norman, who,

(02:47:37):
by the virtue of three more diamonds, had become the
most subservient of men, put Candide and his attendants on
board a vessel that was just ready to set sail
for Portsmouth in England. This was not the way to Venice,
but Candide thought he had made his way out of hell,
and reckoned that he would soon have an opportunity for

(02:47:58):
resuming his journey. End Chapter twenty two, Chapter twenty three,
Candide and Martin touched upon the coast of England. And
what they saw there Ah, pangloss, pangloss, Ah, Martin Martin, Ah,
my dear Counegonda, What sort of a world is this?

(02:48:22):
Said Candide, on board the Dutch ship. Something very foolish
and abominable, said Martin. You know England. Are they as
foolish there as in France? It is another kind of folly,
said Martin. You know that these two nations are in
war for a few acres of snow in Canada, and

(02:48:42):
that they spend over this beautiful warm much more than
Canada is worth to tell you exactly whether there are
more people fit to send to a madhouse in one
country than the other. Is what my imperfect intelligence will
not permit. I only know in general that the people
we are going to see are very atrabilious talking. Thus

(02:49:06):
they arrived at Portsmouth. The coast was lined with crowds
of people whose eyes were fixed on a fine man
kneeling with his eyes bandaged, on board one of the
men of war. In the harbor. Four soldiers stood opposite
to this man. Each of them fired three balls at
his head with all the calmness in the world, and

(02:49:27):
the whole assembly went away very well satisfied. What is
all this, said Candide, and what demon is it that
exercises his empire in this country? He then asked who
was that fine man who had been killed with so
much ceremony. They answered, he was an admiral. And why

(02:49:47):
kill this admiral? It is because he did not kill
a sufficient number of men himself. He gave battle to
a French admiral, and it has been proved that he
was not near enough to him, But replied Candide, the
French admiral was as far from the English admiral. There
is no doubt of it. But in this country it

(02:50:08):
is found good from time to time to kill one
admiral to encourage the others. Candide was so shocked and
bewildered by what he saw and heard that he would
not set foot on shore. And he made a bargain
with a Dutch skipper, were he even to rob him
like the Surinam captain, to conduct him without delay to Venice.

(02:50:29):
The skipper was ready. In two days they coasted France.
They passed in sight of Lisbon, and Candide trembled. They
passed through the Straits and entered the Mediterranean. At last
they landed at Venice. God be praised, said Candide, embracing Martin.
It is here that I shall see again my beautiful Cunegonde.

(02:50:53):
I trust Cacambo as myself. All is well, all will
be well, All goes as well as possible. End Chapter
twenty three, Chapter twenty four of Paquette and Friar Girophile.
Upon their arrival at Venice, Candide went to search for

(02:51:14):
Cacambo at every inn and coffee house, and among all
the ladies of pleasure, but to no purpose. He sent
every day to inquire on all ships that came in,
but there was no news of Cacambo. What he said
to Martin, I have had time to voyage from Suriname
to Bordeaux, to go from Bordeaux to Paris, from Paris

(02:51:36):
to Dieppe, from Dieppe to Portsmouth, to coast along Portugal
and Spain, to cross the whole Mediterranean, to spend some months,
and yet the beautiful Cunegonde has not arrived. Instead of her,
I have only met a Parisian WinCE and a Perigordian abbe.
Cunegonde is dead, without doubt, and there is nothing for

(02:51:57):
me but to die. Alas, how much better it would
have been for me to have remained in the paradise
of El Dorado than to come back to this cursed Europe.
You are in the right, my dear Martin. All is
misery and illusion. He fell into a deep melancholy, and
neither went to see the opera, nor any of the

(02:52:19):
other diversions of the carnival. Nay, he was proof against
the temptations of all the ladies. You are, in truth
very simple, said Martin to him. If you imagine that
a mongrel valet who has five or six million in
his pocket will go to the other end of the
world to seek your mistress and bring her to you

(02:52:41):
to Venice. If he find her, he will keep her
to himself. If he do not find her, he will
get another. I advise you to forget your valet Cacambo
and your mistress Cunegonda. Martin was not consoling. Candide's melancholy increased,
and Martin continued to prove to him that there was

(02:53:01):
very little virtue or happiness upon earth, except perhaps in
El Dorado, where nobody could gain admittance. While they were
disputing on this important subject and waiting for Cunegonde, Candide
saw a young Theatin friar in Saint Mark's Piazza, holding
a girl on his arm. The Theatin looked fresh colored, plump,

(02:53:23):
and vigorous. His eyes were sparkling, his air assured, his
look lofty, and his step bold. The girl was very
pretty and sang. She looked amorously at her Theatin, and
from time to time pinched his fat cheeks. At least
you will allow me, said Candide to Martin, that these

(02:53:44):
two are happy. Hitherto I have met with none but
unfortunate people in the whole habitable globe, except in El Dorado.
But as to this pair, I would venture to lay
a wager that they are very happy. I lay you
they are not, said Martin. Need only ask them to
dine with us, said Candide, and you will see whether

(02:54:04):
I am mistaken. Immediately he accosted them, presented his compliments,
and invited them to his inn to eat some macaroni
with Lombard partridges and caviare, and to drink some Montepulciano,
La Crimee, Cristie Cypress and Samos wine. The girl blushed
the theatin accepted the invitation, and she followed him, casting

(02:54:27):
her eyes on Candide with confusion and surprise, and dropping
a few tears. No sooner had she set foot in
Candide's apartment than she cried out, oh, mister Candide does
not know Paquette. Again, Candide had not viewed her as
yet with attention, his thoughts being entirely taken up with Cunegonde,
but recollecting her as she spoke. Alas, said he, my

(02:54:50):
poor child. It is you who reduced doctor Pangloss to
the beautiful condition in which I saw him. Alas it
was I, sir, indeed, answered Paquette, I see that you
have heard all I have been informed of the frightful
disasters that befell the family of my lady Baroness and
the fair Cunegonde. I swear to you that my fate

(02:55:12):
has been scarcely less, Sad. I was very innocent when
you knew me. A gray friar who was my confessor,
easily seduced me. The consequences were terrible. I was obliged
to quit the castle some time after the baron had
sent you away with kicks on the backside. If a
famous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I should

(02:55:33):
have died for some time. I was this surgeon's mistress
merely out of gratitude. His wife, who was mad with jealousy,
beat me every day unmercifully. She was a fury. The
surgeon was one of the ugliest of men, and I
the most wretched of women, to be continually beaten for
a man I did not love. You know, sir, what

(02:55:56):
a dangerous thing it is for an ill natured woman
to be married to a doctor. Insinced at the behavior
of his wife, he one day gave her so effectual
a remedy to cure her of a slight cold that
she died two hours after. In most horrid convulsions. The
wife's relations prosecuted the husband. He took flight, and I

(02:56:18):
was thrown into jail. My innocence would not have saved
me if I had not been good looking. The judge
set me free on condition that he succeeded the surgeon.
I was soon supplanted by a rival, turned out of doors,
quite destitute, and obliged to continue this abominable trade, which

(02:56:39):
appears so pleasant to you men, while to us women
it is the utmost abyss of misery. I have come
to exercise the profession at venice, Ah Sir, If you
could only imagine what it is to be obliged to
caress indifferently an old merchant, a lawyer, a monk, a

(02:56:59):
god deleer, an abbe. To be exposed to abuse and insults,
To be often reduced to borrowing a petticoat, only to
go and have it raised by a disagreeable man, To
be robbed by one of what one has earned from another,
To be subject to the extortions of the officers of justice,

(02:57:21):
and to have in prospect only a frightful old age,
a hospital and a dunghill. You would conclude that I
am one of the most unhappy creatures in the world.
Paquette thus opened her heart to honest Candide in the
presence of Martin, who said to his friend, you see

(02:57:41):
that already I have won half the wager. Friar Giroflee
stayed in the dining room and drank a glass or
two of wine while he was waiting for dinner. But
said Candide to Paquette, you looked so gay and content
when I met you. You sang, and you behaved so
lovingly to the thief that you seemed to me as

(02:58:02):
happy as you pretend to be. Now the reverse, Ah, Sir,
answered Paquette, this is one of the miseries of the trade.
Yesterday I was robbed and beaten by an officer. Yet
to day I must put on good humor to please
a friar. Candide wanted no more convincing. He owned that

(02:58:22):
Martin was in the right. They sat down to table
with Paquette in the theatin. The repast was entertaining, and
towards the end they conversed with all confidence. Father said
Candide to the friar, you appear to me to enjoy
a state that all the world might envy. The flower
of health shines in your face. Your expression makes plain

(02:58:45):
your happiness. You have a very pretty girl for your recreation,
and you seem well satisfied with your state as a
theatin my faith, Sir, said Friar Giraffe, I wish that
all the theatins were at the bottom of this. See.
I have been tempted a hundred times to set fire
to the convent and go and become a turk. My

(02:59:07):
parents forced me, at the age of fifteen, to put
on this detestable habit to increase the fortune of a
cursed elder brother, whom God confound jealousy, discord, and fury
dwell in the convent. It is true I have preached
a few bad sermons that have brought me in a
little money, of which the prior stole half, while the

(02:59:28):
rest serves to maintain my girls. Oh, when I return
at night to the monastery, I am ready to dash
my head against the walls of the dormitory, And all
my fellows are in the same case. Martin turned towards
Candide with his usual coolness, well said he have I

(02:59:48):
not won the whole wager. Candide gave two thousand piastres
to Poquet and one thousand to friar giroflee. I'll answer
for it, said he, that with this they will be happy.
I do not believe it at all, said Martin. You will,
perhaps with these piastres, only render them the more unhappy.

(03:00:10):
Let that be as it may, said Candide. But one
thing consoles me. I see that we often meet with
those whom we expected never to see. More so that perhaps,
as I have found my red sheep and Paquette, it
may well be that I shall also find cunegonde. I wish,
said Martin. She may one day make you very happy.

(03:00:33):
But I doubt it very much. You are very hard
of belief, said Candide. I have lived, said Martin. You
see those gondoliers, said Candide. Are they not perpetually singing?
You do not see them, said Martin, at home with
their wives and brats. The doge has his troubles, the
gondoliers have theirs. It is true that, all things considered,

(03:00:57):
the life of a gondolier is preferable to that of
a doe. But I believe the difference to be so
trifling that it is not worth the trouble of examining
people talk, said Candide of the Senator Pococurante, who lives
in that fine palace on the Brenta, where he entertains
foreigners in the politest manner. They pretend that this man

(03:01:19):
has never felt any uneasiness. I should be glad to
see such a rarity, said Martin. Candide immediately sent to
ask the Lord Pococurante permission to wait upon him the
next day. End Chapter twenty four, Chapter twenty five the
visit to Lord Pococurante, a noble Venetian. Candide and Martin

(03:01:45):
went in a gondola on the Brinta and arrived at
the palace of the noble Signor Pococurante. The gardens, laid
out with taste, were adorned with fine marble statues. The
palace was beautifully built. Chester of the house was a
man of sixty and very rich. He received the two
travelers with polite indifference, which put Candide a little out

(03:02:08):
of countenance, but was not at all disagreeable to Martin. First,
two pretty girls, very neatly dressed, served them with chocolate,
which was frothed exceedingly well. Candide could not refrain from
commending their beauty, grace and address. They are good enough creatures.
Said the Senator. I make them lie with me sometimes,

(03:02:31):
for I am very tired of the ladies of the town,
of their coquetries, of their jalousies, of their quarrels, of
their humors, of their petty essays, of their prides, of
their follies, and of the sonnets which one must make
or have made for them. But after all these two

(03:02:52):
girls begin to weary me. After breakfast, Candide, walking into
a long gallery, was surprised by the beautiful pictures. He
asked by what master were the two first thereby, Raphael
said the Senator. I bought them at a great price
out of vanity some years ago. They are said to

(03:03:13):
be the finest things in Italy. But they do not
please me at all. The colors are too dark, the
figures are not sufficiently rounded, nor in good relief. The
draperies in no way resemble stuffs. In a word, whatever
may be said, I do not find there a true
imitation of nature. I only care for a picture when

(03:03:37):
I think I see nature itself, and there are none
of this sort. I have a great many pictures, but
I prize them very little. While they were waiting for dinner,
Pococurante ordered a concert. Candide found the music delicious. This noise,
said the Senator, may amuse one for half an hour,

(03:04:00):
but if it were to last longer, it would grow
tiresome to everybody, though they durst not own it. Music
today is only the art of executing difficult things, and
that which is only difficult cannot please long. Perhaps I
should be fonder of the opera if they had not

(03:04:20):
found the secret of making of it a monster which
shocks me? Let who will go to see bad tragedy
set to music? Whether scenes are contrived for no other
end than to introduce two or three songs ridiculously out
of place, to show off an actress's voice. Let, who

(03:04:42):
will or who can die away with pleasure at the
sight of a eunuch quavering the rule of Caesar or
of Cato, and strutting awkwardly upon the stage. For my part,
I have long since renounced those paltry entertainments which constitute
the glory of modern Italy and are purchased so dearly

(03:05:05):
by sovereigns. Candide disputed the point a little, but with
discretion Martin was entirely of the Senator's opinion. They sat
down to table, and after an excellent dinner. They went
into the library. Candide, seeing a Homer magnificently bound, commended
the virtuoso on his good taste there, said, he is

(03:05:28):
a book that was once the delight of the great Pangloss,
the best philosopher in Germany. It is not mine, answered
Pococurante coolly. They used at one time to make me
believe that I took a pleasure in reading him. But
what continual repetition of battle so extremely like one another,

(03:05:48):
Those gods that are always active without doing anything decisive,
That Helen, who is the cause of the war, and
who yet scarcely appears in the piece, that Troy so
long besieged without being taken. All these together caused me
great weariness. I have sometimes asked learned men whether they

(03:06:10):
were not as weary as I of that work. Those
who were sincere have owned to me that the poem
made them fall asleep. Yet it was necessary to have
it in their library as a monument of antiquity, or
like those rusty medals which are no longer of use
in commerce. But your excellency does not think thus of Virgil,

(03:06:31):
said Candide. I. Grant said the senator that the second
fourth and sixth books of his Aenid are excellent, But
as for his pious Enaeus, his strong Cloanthus, his friend
Acates is little Assanius, his silly king Latinus is bourgeois Amata,
his insipid Lavinia. I think there can be nothing more

(03:06:54):
flat and disagreeable. I prefer Tasso a good deal, or
even the supperific tales of Ariosto. May I presume to
ask you, sir, said Candide, whether you do not receive
a great deal of pleasure from reading Horace. There are
maxims in this writer, answered Pococurante, from which a man

(03:07:15):
of the world may reap great benefit, and being written
in energetic verse, they are more easily impressed upon the memory.
But I care little for this journey to Brundusium, and
his account of a bad dinner, or of his low
quarrel between one Rupelius, whose words he says were full

(03:07:35):
of poisonous filth, and another whose language was imbued with vinegar.
I have read with much distaste his indelicate verses against
old women and witches. Nor do I see any merit
in telling his friend Mae Cinis that if he will
but rank him in the choir of lyric poets. His
lofty head shall touch the stars. Fools admire ev everything

(03:08:00):
in an author of reputation. For my part, I read
only to please myself. I like only that which serves
my purpose. Candide, having been educated never to judge for himself,
was much surprised at what he heard. Martin found there
was a good deal of reason in Pococurante's remarks. Oh

(03:08:22):
here is Cicero, said Candide. Here is the great man
whom I fancy you are never tired of reading. I
never read him, replied the Venetian. What is it to
me whether he pleads for Rabirius or Clueincius. I try
causes enough myself. His philosophical work seemed to me better.
But when I found that he doubted of everything, I

(03:08:46):
concluded that I knew as much as he, and that
I had no need of a guide to learn ignorance. Ha.
Here are four score volumes of the Academy of Sciences,
cried Martin. Perhaps there is something valuable in this collection,
there might be, said Pococurante, if only one of those
rakers of rubbish had shown how to make pins. But

(03:09:09):
in all these volumes there is nothing but chimerical systems,
and not a single useful thing. And what dramatic works
I see here, said Candide in Italian, Spanish and French. Yes,
replied the Senator, there are three thousand and not three
dozen of them good for anything. As to those collections

(03:09:31):
of sermons, which altogether are not worth a single page
of Seneca, and those huge volumes of theology, you may
well imagine that neither I nor any one else ever
opens them. Martin saw some shelves filled with English books.
I have a notion, said he, that a Republican must

(03:09:51):
be greatly pleased with most of these books, which are
written with a spirit of freedom. Yes, answered Pococurante. It
is noble to write as one thinks. This is the
privilege of humanity. In all our Italy, we write only
what we do not think. Those who inhabit the country
of the Caesars and the Antoninuses dare not acquire a

(03:10:15):
single idea without the permission of a Dominican friar. I
should be pleased with the liberty which inspires the English genius,
if passion and party spirit did not corrupt all that
is estimable in this precious liberty, Candid observing a Milton
asked whether he did not look upon this author as

(03:10:35):
a great man, who said, pococurante, that barbarian who writes
a long commentary in ten books of harsh verse on
the first chapter of Genesis, that coarse imitator of the Greeks,
who disfigures a creation, and who, while Moses represents the
eternal producing the world by a word, makes the Messiah

(03:10:59):
take a great pair of compasses from the armory of
heaven to circumscribe his work. How can I have any
esteem for a writer who has spoiled Tasso's hell, and
the devil who transforms Lucifer, sometimes into a toad and
other times into a pygmy, who makes him repeat the
same things a hundred times, who makes him dispute on theology,

(03:11:24):
who by a serious imitation of Ariosto's comic invention of firearms,
represents the devil's cannon nodding in heaven. Neither I nor
any man in Italy could take pleasure in those melancholy extravagances.
And the marriage of sin and death, and the snakes

(03:11:44):
brought forth by sin are enough to turn the stomach
of anyone with the least taste, and his long description
of a pest house is good only for a grave digger.
This obscure, whimsical, and disagreeable poem was despised upon its
first publication, and I only treat it now as it

(03:12:06):
was treated in its own country by contemporaries. For the
matter of that, I say what I think, and I
care very little whether others think as I do. Candide
was grieved at this speech, for he had a respect
for Homer and was fond of Milton Alas, said he
softly to Martin. I am afraid that this man holds

(03:12:28):
our German poets in very great contempt. There would not
be much harm in that, said Martin. Oh what a
superior man, said Candide below his breath. What a great
genius is this pococurante. Nothing can please him. After their
survey of the library, they went down into the garden,

(03:12:48):
where Candide praised its several beauties. I know of nothing
in so bad a taste, said the master. All you
see here is merely trifling. After tomorrow I will have
planted with a nobler design, well, said Candide to Martin.
When they had taken their leave. You will agree that
this is the happiest of mortals, for he is above

(03:13:09):
everything he possesses. But do you not see, answered Martin,
that he is disgusted with all he possesses. Plato observed
a long while ago that those stomachs are not the best,
that reject all sorts of food. But is there not
a pleasure? Said Candide, in criticizing everything in pointing out

(03:13:29):
faults where others see nothing but beauties, that is to say,
replied Martin, that there is some pleasure in having no pleasure. Well, well,
said Candide, I find that I shall be the only
happy man when I am blessed with the sight of
my dear Cunegonde. It is always well to hope, said Martin. However,

(03:13:52):
the days in the weeks passed, Cacambo did not come,
and Candide was so overwhelmed with greed that he did
not even reflect that Paquette and Friar Giroflee did not
return to thank him. End Chapter twenty five. Chapter twenty
six of a supper which Candide and Martin took with

(03:14:16):
six strangers and who they were One evening that Candide
and Martin were going to sit down to supper with
some foreigners who lodged in the same inn. A man
whose complexion was as black as soot, came behind Candide,
and taking him by the arm, said, get yourself ready
to go along with us. Do not fail upon this.

(03:14:39):
He turned round and saw Cacambo. Nothing but the sight
of Cunegonde could have astonished and delighted him more. He
was on the point of going mad with joy. He
embraced his dear friend. Cunegonde is here, without doubt, where
is she? Take me to her, that I may die
of joy in her company. Cunegonde is not he here,

(03:15:00):
said Cacambo. She is at Constantinople. Oh, heavens at Constantinople.
But were she in China, I would fly thither. Let
us be off. We shall set out after supper, replied Cacambo.
I can tell you nothing more. I am a slave.
My master awaits me. I must serve him at table,

(03:15:21):
speak not a word, eat, and then get ready. Candide,
distracted between joy and grief, delighted at seeing his faithful
agent again, astonished at finding him a slave, filled with
the fresh hope of recovering his mistress, his heart palpitating,
his understanding, confused, sat down to table with Martin, who

(03:15:43):
saw all these scenes quite unconcerned, and with six strangers
who had come to spend the carnival at Venice, Cacambo,
waited at table. Upon one of the strangers. Towards the
end of the entertainment, he drew near his master and
whispered in his ear, Sire, your man majesty may start
when you please. The vessel is ready. On saying these words,

(03:16:05):
he went out. The company, in great surprise, looked at
one another without speaking a word. When another domestic approached
his master and said to him, sire, your majesty's chase
is at Padua, and the boat is ready. The master
gave a nod and the servant went away. The company
all stared at one another again, and their surprise redoubled.

(03:16:29):
A third valet came up to a third stranger, saying, sire,
leave me. Your majesty ought not to stay here any longer.
I am going to get everything ready, and immediately he disappeared.
Candide and Martin did not doubt that this was a
masquerade of the carnival. Then a fourth domestic said to

(03:16:49):
a fourth master, your majesty may depart when you please.
Saying this, he went away like the rest. The fifth
valet said the same thing to the fifth master, But
the sixth valet spoke differently to the sixth stranger, who
sat near Candide. He said to him, faith sire, they
will no longer give credit to your majesty nor to me,

(03:17:13):
and we may perhaps both of us be put in
jail this very night. Therefore I will take care of
myself adieu. The servants being all gone, the six strangers,
with Candide and Martin, remained in a profound silence. At length,
Candide broke in, gentlemen, said he this is a very
good joke, indeed, but why should you all be kings

(03:17:35):
for me? I own that neither Martin nor I is
a king. Cacambo's master then gravely answered in Italian, I
am not jo king. My name is Ocmet the third.
I was a great sult In many years. I dethroned
my brother, My nephew dethroned me. My viziers were beheaded,

(03:17:55):
and I am condemned to end my days in the
old serraglio. My nephew, the great Sultan Mahmud, permits me
to travel sometimes for my health, and I am come
to spend the carnival at Venice. A young man who
sat next to Akhmed spoke, then, as follows, my name
is Ivan. I was once emperor of all the Russias,

(03:18:19):
but was dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined
in prison, and I was educated there. Yet I am
sometimes allowed to travel in company with persons who act
as guards. And I am come to spend the carnival
at Venice. The third said.

Speaker 2 (03:18:38):
I am Charles Edward, King of England. My father has
resigned all his legal rights to me. I have fought
in defense of them, and above eight hundred of my
adherents have been hanged, drawn and quartered. I have been
confined in prison. I am going to Rome prepare a
visit to the king, my father, who were throned, as

(03:19:01):
well as myself and my grandfather. And I am come
to spend carnival at Venice. The fourth spoke thus in
his turn, I am the King of Poland. The fortune
of war has stripped me of my hereditary dominions. My
father underwent the same vicissitudes. I resigned myself to providence

(03:19:21):
in the same manner as Sultan Akhmed, the Emperor Ivan
and King Charles Edward, whom God long preserve, and I
am come to the carnoval at Venice. The fifth said,
I am king of Poland. Also, I have been twice dethroned.

Speaker 1 (03:19:39):
What Providence has given me another country where I have
done more good than all the Sarmatian kings whatever capable
of doing on the banks of the Vistuba. I resigned
myself likewise to Providence, and am come to pass the
carnval at Venice. It was now the sixth monarch's turned

(03:19:59):
to speak. Gentlemen, said he, I am not so great
a prince as any of you. However, I am a king.
I am Theodore elected King of Corsica. I had the
title of Majesty, and now I am scarcely treated as
a gentleman. I have coined money, and now I am

(03:20:22):
not worth a farthing. I have had two secretaries of state,
and now I have scarce a valet. I have seen
myself on a throne, and I have seen myself upon
straw in a common jail in London. I am afraid
that I shall meet with the same treatment here, though

(03:20:43):
like your Majesty's I am come to see the carnival
at Venice. The other five kings listened to this speech
with generous compassion. Each of them gave twenty sequins to
King Theodore to buy him clothes and linen, and Candide
made him a present of a diamond worth two thousand sequins.

(03:21:05):
Who can this private person be, said the five kings
to one another, who is able to give and really
has given a hundred times as much as any of us.
Just as they rose from the table, in came four
serene highnesses who had also been stripped of their territories
by the fortune of war, and were come to spend

(03:21:26):
the carnival at Venice. But Candide paid no regard to
these newcomers. His thoughts were entirely employed on his voyage
to Constantinople in search of his beloved Cunegonde. End Chapter
twenty six, Chapter twenty seven. Candide's voyage to Constantinople. The

(03:21:49):
faithful Cacambo had already prevailed upon the Turkish skipper who
was to conduct the Sultan Ukmet to Constantinople to receive
Candide and Martin on his ship. They both embarked after
having made their obeisance to his miserable highness. You see,
said Candide to Martin. On the way we supped with

(03:22:09):
six dethroned kings, and of those six there was one
to whom I gave charity. Perhaps there are many other princes,
yet more unfortunate for my part, I have only lost
a hundred sheep, and now I am flying into Cunegonda's arms.
My dear Martin, Yet once more Pangloss was right. All

(03:22:30):
is for the best, I wish it, answered Martin. But
said Candide, it was a very strange adventure we met
with at Venice. It has never before been seen or
heard that six dethroned kings have supped together at a
public inn. It is not more extraordinary, said Martin, than

(03:22:50):
most of the things that have happened to us. It
is a very common thing for kings to be dethroned,
And as for the honor we have had of supping
in their company, it is a trifle not worth our attention.
No sooner had Candide got on board the vessel than
he flew to his old valet and friend Cacambo, and
tenderly embraced him. Well, said he, what news of Cunegonda?

(03:23:14):
Is she still a prodigy of beauty? Does she love
me still? How is she thou hast doubtless bought her
a palace at Constantinople, my dear master, answered Cacambo. Cunegonda
washes dishes on the banks of the Propontis in the
service of a prince who has very few dishes to wash.
She is a slave in the family of an ancient

(03:23:36):
sovereign named Ragotski, to whom the Grand Turk allows three
crowns a day in his exile. But what is worse
still is that she has lost her beauty and has
become horribly ugly. Well handsome or ugly, replied Candide. I
am a man of honor, and it is my duty
to love her still. But how came she to be

(03:23:58):
reduced to so abject of state? With the five or
six millions that you took to her, ah said Cacambo.
Was I not to give two millions to Signor Don
Fernando di Bara i Figuroa I mascarenes i lampor Dosi Susa,
Governor of Buenos Aires, for permitting Miss Cunaganda to come away?

(03:24:19):
And did not a corsair bravely rob us of all
the rest, did not discursair carry us to Cape Matapan,
to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, to Petra, to the
dad Nalies, to Marmora, to Scutari, Cunegonda and the old
woman serve the prince I now mentioned to you, and
I am slave to the dethroned Sultan. What a series

(03:24:42):
of shocking calamities, cried Candide. But after all, I have
some diamonds left, and I may easily pay Cunegonda's ransom. Yes,
it is a pity that she has grown so ugly. Then,
turning towards Martin, who do you think, said he is
most to be pitied, the Sultan achm the Emperor Ivan,
King Charles Edward, or I How should I know? Answered Martin.

(03:25:06):
I must see into your hearts to be able to tell, ah,
said Candide. If Pangloss were here, he could tell I
know not, said pardon. In what sort of scales your
Pangloss would weigh the misfortunes of mankind and set a
just estimate on their sorrows. All that I can presume

(03:25:27):
to say is that there are millions of people upon
earth who have a hundred times more to complain of
than King Charles Edward, the Emperor Ivan, or the Sultan Achmet.
That may well be said, Kandide. In a few days
they reached the Bosphorus, and Candide began by paying a

(03:25:48):
very high ransom for Cacambo. Then, without losing time, he
and his companions went on board a galley in order
to search on the banks of the Propontis for his Cunegonde,
however she might have become. Among the crew, there were
two slaves who rode very badly, and to whose bare
shoulders the leventeen captain would now and then apply blows

(03:26:11):
from a bull's pistle. Candide, from a natural impulse, looked
at these two slaves more attentively than at the other oarsmen,
and approached them with pity. Their features, though greatly disfigured,
had a slight resemblance to those of Pangloss and the
unhappy Jesuit and Westphalian baron brother to miss Cunegonde. This

(03:26:33):
moved and saddened him. He looked at them still more attentively. Indeed,
said he to Cacambo, if I had not seen Master
Pangloss hanged, and if I had not had the misfortune
to kill the baron, I should think it was they
that were rowing at the names of the baron and
of Pangloss. The two galley slaves uttered a loud cry,

(03:26:54):
held fast by the seat, and let drop their oars.
The captain ran up to them and redoubled his blows
with the bull's pistle. Stop stop, Sir, cried Candide, I
will give you what money you please. What it is, Candide,
said one of the slaves. What here it is, Candide
said the other? Do I dream, cried Candide? Or am

(03:27:16):
I awake? Or am I on board the galley? Is
this the baron whom I killed? Is this Master Pangloss,
whom I saw hanged? It is we? It is we?
Answered they? Well, is this a great philosopher? Said martin
Ah captain said Candide, what ransom will you take for
Monsieur de Thundertin Trunk, one of the first barons of

(03:27:39):
the Empire, and for Monsieur Pangloss, the profoundest metaphysician in Germany?
Dog of a Christian? Answered the Levantine captain. Since these
two dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, which
I doubt not are high dignities in their country, you
shall give me fifty thousand sequins. You shall have them, Sir,

(03:28:01):
carry me back at once, to Constantinople, and you shall
receive the money directly, But no carry me first to
miss Cunegonde. Upon the first proposal made by Candide, however,
the Levantine captain had already tagged about and made the
crew ply their oars quicker than a bird cleased the air.
Candide embraced the baron and Pangloss a hundred times. And

(03:28:25):
how happened it, my dear Baron, that I did not
kill you, and my dear Pangloss, how came you to
life again after being hanged? And why are you both
in a Turkish galley? And it is true that my
dear sister is in this country, said the baron. Yes,
answered Cacambo. Then I behold once more my dear Chandide,

(03:28:49):
cried Pangloss. Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them. They
embraced each other and all spoke at once. The galley
flew They were already in the port Instantly. Kandide sent
for a jew, to whom he sold for fifty thousand
sequins a diamond worth a hundred thousand. Though the fellow
swore to him by Abraham that he could give him

(03:29:11):
no more, he immediately paid the ransom for the Baron
and Pangloss. The latter threw himself at the feet of
his deliverer and bathed them with his tears. The former
thanked him with a nod and promised to return him
the money on the first opportunity. But it is indeed
possible that my sister can be in Turkey, said he.

(03:29:32):
Nothing is more possible, said Cacambo, since she scours the
dishes in the service of a Transylvanian prince. Kandide sent
directly for two Jews and sold them some more diamonds.
And then they all set out together in another galley
to deliver Cunegonda from slavery. End Chapter twenty seven, Chapter

(03:29:54):
twenty eight. What happened to Candide, Cunegonde, Pangloss, mar et cetera.
I ask your pardon once more, said Candide to the Baron,
your pardon, Reverend father, for having run you through the body.
Say no more about it, answered the Baron. I was
a little too hasty, I own, But since you wished
to know by what fatality I came to be a

(03:30:16):
galley slave, I will inform you. After I had been
cured by the surgeon of the College of the wound
you gave me. I was attacked and carried off by
a party of Spanish troops, who confined me in prison
at Buenos Aires at the very time my sister was
setting out. Thence I asked leave to return to Rome.
To the general of my order, I was appointed chaplain

(03:30:39):
to the French ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been
eight days in this employment when one evening I met
with a young Itoglan, who was a very handsome fellow.
The weather was warm, the young man wanted to bathe,
and I took this opportunity of bathing. Also, I did
not know that it was a capital crime for a

(03:30:59):
cristest to be found naked with a young mussulman. A
kadi ordered me a hundred blows on the soles of
the feet and condemned me to the galleys. I do
not think there ever was a greater act of injustice.
But I should be glad to know how my sister
came to be a scullion to a Transylvanian prince who
has taken shelter among the Turks. But you, my dear Pangloss,

(03:31:24):
said Candide, how can it be that I behold you again.
It is true, said Pangloss, that you saw me hanged.
I should have been burnt, but you may remember it
rained exceedingly hard when they were going to roast me.
The storm was so violent that they despaired of lighting
the fire. So I was hanged. Because they could do

(03:31:46):
no better. A surgeon purchased my body, carried me home,
and dissected me. He began with making a crucial incision
on me, from the navel to the clavicula. One could
not have been worse hanged than I was. The executioner
of the Holy Inquisition was a subdeacon and knew how

(03:32:09):
to burn people marvelously well, but he was not accustomed
to hanging. The cord was wet and did not slip properly,
and besides it was badly tied. In short, I still
drew my breath when the crucial incision made me give
such a frightful scream that my surgeon fell flat upon

(03:32:30):
his back, and, imagining that he had been dissecting the devil,
he ran away, dying with fear, and fell down the staircase.
In his flight. His wife, hearing the noise, flew from
the next room. She saw me stretched out upon the
table with my crucial incision. She was seized with yet

(03:32:51):
greater fear than her husband, fled and tumbled over him.
When they came to themselves a little I heard the
wife say to her, My dear, how could you take
it into your head to dissect a heretic? Do you
not know that these people always have the devil in
their bodies? I will go and fetch a priest this

(03:33:12):
minute to exercise him. At this proposal, I shuddered, and,
mustering up what little courage I had still remaining, I
cried out aloud, have mercy on me. At length, the
Portuguese barber plucked up his spirits, he sewed up my wounds.
His wife even nursed me. I was upon my legs.

(03:33:33):
At the end of fifteen days. The barber found me
a place as lackey to a knight of Malta who
was going to Venice. But finding that my master had
no money to pay me my wages, I entered the
service of a Venetian merchant and went with him to Constantinople.
One day I took it into my head to step

(03:33:55):
into a mosque where I saw an old emon with
a very pretty young dear Votee, who was saying her
petron nosters. Her bosom was uncovered, and between her breasts
she had a beautiful bouquet of tulips, roses, anemones, ranunculus, hyacinths,
and auriculas. She dropped her bouquet. I picked it up

(03:34:18):
and presented it to her with a profound reverence. I
was so long in delivering it that the iman began
to get angry, and seeing that I was a Christian,
he called out for help. They carried me before the Kadi,
who ordered me a hundred lashes on the soles of
the feet and sent me to the galleys. I was

(03:34:40):
chained to the very same galley and the same bench
as the young baron. On board this galley there were
four young men from Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two
monks from Kofu, who told us similar adventures happened daily.
The baron maintained that he had suffered greater injustice than I,

(03:35:02):
and I insisted that it was far more innocent to
take up a bouquet and place it again on a
woman's bosom and be found stark naked with a nicheglan.
We were continually disputing and received twenty lashes with a
bull's pizzle when the concatenation of universal events brought you
to our galley, and you were good enough to ransom us. Well,

(03:35:24):
my dear Pangloss, said Candide to him, when you had
been hanged, dissected, whipped, and were tugging at the oar,
Did you always think that everything happens for the best?
I am still of my first opinion, answered Pangloss, for
I am a philosopher, and I cannot retract, especially as
Leibnitz could never be wrong. And besides, the pre established

(03:35:48):
harmony is the finest thing in the world, and so
is his plenum and Materia's subtlese end Chapter twenty eight.
Chapter two twenty nine, how Candide found Cunegonda and the
old woman again. While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and

(03:36:09):
Cacambo were relating their several adventures, were reasoning on the
contingent or non contingent events of the universe, disputing on
effects and causes, on moral and physical evil, on liberty
and necessity, and on the consolations a slave may feel
even on a Turkish galley. They arrived at the house

(03:36:30):
of the Transylvanian prints on the banks of the Propontis.
The first objects which met their sight were Cunegonda and
the old woman, hanging towels out to dry. The Baron
paled at this site. The tender loving Candide, seeing his
beautiful Cunegonda, embrowned with bloodshot eyes, withered neck, wrinkled cheeks,

(03:36:53):
and rough red arms, recoiled three paces, seized with horror,
and then advanced out of good manners. She embraced Kandide
and her brother. They embraced the old woman, and Candide
ransomed them both. There was a small farm in the neighborhood,
which the old woman proposed to Candide to make a

(03:37:13):
shift with till the company could be provided for in
a better manner. Cunegonde did not know she had grown ugly,
for nobody had told her of it, and she reminded
Candide of his promise in so positive a tone that
the good man Durst not refuse her. He therefore intimated
to the Baron that he intended marrying his sister. I

(03:37:35):
will not suffer, said the Baron, such meanness on her part,
and such insolence on yours. I will never be reproached
with this scandalous thing. My sister's children would never be
able to enter the church in Germany. No, my sister
shall only marry a baron of the empire. Cunegonde flung

(03:37:56):
herself at his feet and bathed them with her tears.
Still he was inflexible, Thou foolish fellow, said Candide. I
have delivered thee out of the galleys. I have paid
thy ransom and thy sisters. Also. She was a scullion
and is very ugly. Yet I am so condescending as
to marry her, and dost thou pretend to oppose the match?

(03:38:19):
I should kill thee again? Were I only to consult
my anger, thou mayest kill me again, said the baron.
But thou shalt not marry my sister at least whilst
I am living. End Chapter twenty nine, Chapter thirty the conclusion.
At the bottom of his heart, Candide had no wish

(03:38:42):
to marry Cunegonde, but the extreme impertinence of the baron
determined him to conclude the match, and Cunegonda pressed him
so strongly that he could not go from his word.
He consulted Pangloss Martin and the faithful Cacambo. Pangloss drew
up an excellent memorial, wherein he proved that the baron
had no right over his sister, and that according to

(03:39:05):
all the laws of the Empire, she might marry Candide
with her left hand. Martin was for throwing the baron
into the sea. Cacambo decided that it would be better
to deliver him up again to the captain of the galley,
after which they thought to send him back to the
General Father of the Order at Rome by the first ship.

(03:39:26):
This advice was well received, The old woman approved it.
They said not a word to his sister. The thing
was executed for a little money, and they had the
double pleasure of entrapping a jesuit and punishing the pride
of a German baron. It is natural to imagine that
after so many disasters, Candide married and living with the

(03:39:47):
philosopher Pangloss, The philosopher Martin, the prudent Cacambo, and the
old woman, having besides brought so many diamonds from the
country of the ancient Incas, must have led a very
hi But he was so much imposed upon by the
Jews that he had nothing left except his small farm,

(03:40:07):
his wife became uglier every day, more peevish and unsupportable.
The old woman was infirm and even more fretful than Cunegonda. Cacambo,
who worked in the garden and took vegetables for sale
to Constantinople, was fatigued with hard work and cursed his destiny.
Pangloss was in despair at not shining in some German university.

(03:40:32):
For Martin, he was firmly persuaded that he would be
as badly off elsewhere, and therefore bore things patiently. Candide,
Martin and Pangloss sometimes disputed about morals and metaphysics. They
often saw passing under the windows of their farm boats
full of Effendi's pashas and kaddies who were going into

(03:40:54):
banishment to Lemnos, Mitteline or Erzerum. And they saw other kuddies,
these pashas and offendees coming to supply the place of
the exiles, and afterwards exiled. In their turn, they saw
heads decently impaled for presentation to the Sublime Porte. Such
spectacles as these increased the number of their dissertations, and

(03:41:17):
when they did not dispute, time hung so heavily upon
their hands that one day, the old woman ventured to
say to them, I want to know which is worse.
To be ravished a hundred times by Negro pirates, to
have a buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet among
the Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an auto

(03:41:38):
da fe, to be dissected, to row in the galleys
in short, to go through all the miseries we have undergone,
or to stay here and have nothing to do. It
is a great question, said Candide. This discourse gave rise
to new reflections, and Martin especially concluded that a man

(03:42:00):
was born to live either in a state of distracting
inquietude or of lethargic disgust. Candide did not quite agree
to that, but he affirmed nothing. Pangloss owned that he
had always suffered horribly, but as he had once asserted
that everything went wonderfully well, he asserted it still, though

(03:42:22):
he no longer believed it. What helped to confirm Martin
in his detestable principles, to stagger Candide more than ever,
and to puzzle Pangloss, was that one day they saw
Paquette and Friar Giafflee land at the farm in extreme misery,
they had soon squandered their three thousand piastres, parted, were reconciled,

(03:42:45):
quarreled again, were thrown into jail, had escaped, and friar
Giofflee had at length become Turk. Paquette continued her trade
wherever she went, but made nothing of it. I foresaw,
said Martin Candide, that your presence would soon be dissipated,
but only make them the more miserable. You have rolled

(03:43:07):
in millions of money, you and Cacambo, and yet you
are not happier than fraarg Rafflee and Pequette. Ah, said
Pangloss to Paquet. Providence has then brought you amongst us again,
my poor child. Do you know that you cost me
the tip of my nose, an eye and an ear?

(03:43:29):
As you may see what a world this is? And
now this new adventure set them philosophizing more than ever.
In the neighborhood there lived a very famous dervish who
was esteemed the best philosopher in all Turkey, and they
went to consult him. Pangloss was the speaker. Master said

(03:43:52):
he we come to beg you to tell why so
strange an animal as man was made yeth what meddlest,
thou said the Dervish.

Speaker 3 (03:44:03):
Is it thy business?

Speaker 1 (03:44:06):
But Reverend Father said Candide, there is horrible evil in
this world?

Speaker 3 (03:44:11):
What signifies it? Said the Dervish, whether there be evil
or good? When His Highness sends a ship to Egypt,
does he trouble his head? Whether the mice on board
are at their ease or not? What then must we do,
said Pangloss, old gal tongue answered the Dervish. I was

(03:44:32):
in hopes, said Pangloss, that I should reason with you
a little about causes and effects, about the best of
possible worlds, the origin of evil, the nature of the soul,
and the pre established harmony. At these words, the Dervish
shut the door in their faces. During this conversation, the

(03:44:53):
news was spread that two viziers and the Mufti had
been strangled at Constantinople, and that several of their friends
had been impaled. This catastrophe made a great noise for
some hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, returning to the little farm,
saw a good old man taking the fresh air at
his door under an orange bower. Pangloss, who was as

(03:45:17):
inquisitive as he was argumentative, asked the old man what
was the name of the strangled Mufti? I do not know,
answered the worthy man, and I have not known the
name of any mufti, nor of any vizir. I am
entirely ignorant of the event you mention. I presume in

(03:45:37):
general that they who meddle with the administration of public
affairs die sometimes miserably, and that they deserve it. But
I never trouble my head about what is transacting it Constantinople,
I content myself with sending there for sale the fruits
of the garden which I cultivate. Having said these words,

(03:46:00):
he invited the strangers into his house. His two sons
and two daughters presented them with several sorts of sherbet,
which they made themselves with kaimak, enriched with the candied
peel of citrons, with oranges, lemons, pineapples, pistachio nuts, and
mocha coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or

(03:46:22):
the American Islands, after which the two daughters of the
honest Mussulman perfumed the stranger's beards. You must have a
vast and magnificent estate, said Candide to the Turk. I
have only twenty acres, replied the man, I and my
children cultivate them. Our labor preserves us from three great evils, weariness, vice,

(03:46:48):
and want. Candide, on his way home, made profound reflections
on the old man's conversation. Dishonest Turk said he to
panglossan Martin, seem to be in a situation far preferable
to that of the six kings with whom we had
the honor of supping. Grandeur, said Pangloss is extremely dangerous

(03:47:11):
according to the testimony of philosophers. For in short, Eglon,
king of Moab, was assassinated by Ahud Absalom was hung
by his hair and pierced with three darts. King Nadab,
the son of Jeroboam, was killed by Basa, King Elah,
by Zimri Ahaziah, by jehu Athaliah, by Jehoada. The kings Jehoakim,

(03:47:36):
Chechuniah and Zedekiah were led into captivity. You know how perished.
Creeses Astjages, Darius, Denysius of Syricu, Spirus, Perseus, Hannibal, Jagirta, Ariovistus, Caesar,
pompey nero Otho, Vitelius, Domitian, Richard the second of England,

(03:47:57):
Edward the second, Henry the sixth, Richard, Mary Stuart, Charles
the First, the three Henrys of France, the Emperor Henry
the fourth. You know, I also know, said Candide, that
we must cultivate our garden. You are right, said Pangloss,
For when man was first placed in the garden of Eden,

(03:48:18):
he was put there out upperature um that he might
cultivate it, which shows that man was not born to
be idle. Let us work, said Martin, without disputing it.
It is the only way to render life tolerable. The
whole little society entered into this laudable design according to

(03:48:40):
their different abilities. Their little plot of land produced plentiful crops.
Cunegonde was indeed very ugly, but she became an excellent
pastry cook. Paquette worked at embroidery. The old woman looked
after the linen.

Speaker 1 (03:48:57):
They were all not, excepting Friar Garuff, of some service
or other, for he made a good joiner and became
a very honest man. Pangloss sometimes said to Candide, there
is a concatenation of events in this best of all
possible worlds. For if you had not been kicked out

(03:49:18):
of a magnificent castle for love of miss Cuonegonda. If
you had not been put into the inquisition, if you
had not walked over America, if you had not stabbed
the baron, if you had not lost all your sheep
from the fine country of El Dorado, you would not
be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio nuts. All that

(03:49:41):
is very well, answered Candide. But let us cultivate our garden.
End Chapter thirty and end of the book Candide by
Voltaire