How Breastfeeding Guilt Breaks New Moms and the Mindset That Heals with Dominique Deslauriers

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A lot of feelings of failure, you know. And even
though I would provide the advice that that is best
and I believe that, to my core, I wanted what
was quote unquote best for my baby and I didn't
feel like that I could get that to him, which
did not feel great.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Before we begin, I want to share something special with
all of you expecting parents out there. As an internationally bored,
certified lactation consultant, I've seen firsthand how a little planning
can go a long way to helping you achieve your
baby feeding goals. That's why I'm offering you my free ebook.
It's called Birth Practices to Support Breastfeeding and it's a workbook,

(00:45):
So check out the link in the description below. Hi,
welcome back to Low's Lactation Lab. This week, you're going
to hear from Dominique. She is both somebody who is
a mom who has gone through the struggles of feeding
a baby and somebody who offers her expertise as a
registered dietitian to people in the postpartum period. So you

(01:07):
are going to hear both of those in two separate episodes. Today,
we're really focusing on her personal story and we'll discuss
in this episode this idea that we should love every
second of body feeding, of breastfeeding our babies, of providing
our milk to them, and the reality is that sometimes

(01:28):
it feels more like a grind than something that we enjoy.
But for many of us, for many of you, you
have chosen to keep doing it because of the fulfillment
you received. And that's whether or not you exclusively body fed,
or you exclusively pumped, or you did some sort of

(01:49):
combo of pumping body feeding formula. We can still find
fulfillment in this primal task of caring for our babies,
no matter how we end up doing it, and no
matter how closely it matches what we pictured before, we're
in the situation. So tune in to hear both the

(02:12):
triumphs and the struggles that Dominique faced while feeding her baby.
Hi Dominique, welcome, Hi Lo, how are you. I'm so
good and I'm so happy to see you again. You
have helped me in so many ways, and we'll get
into that, but before we do, I would love for
you to just introduce yourself and give as much us

(02:34):
little information as feels right for you.

Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah. So, I'm a registered dietitian. I practice from an
anti diet intuitive eating approach through Happy Valley nutrition. And
I see folks of all kinds, children included. And I'm
a mother and and I have a lovely dog and

(03:00):
love gardening, reading all that good stuff, pottery, very art. Yeah,
and I like fashion, which I'm sure we'll chat about
a little bit later. And yeah, the outdoors. That's a
little bit about me.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
Awesome, great, thank you so much. Okay, so we're going
to be talking about two separate things. We're going to
tap into your expertise as a registered dietitian and somebody
who loves fashion as well. But before that, we are
going to talk about your personal experience with baby feeding.
So what I would like to do is take you

(03:39):
back to some of your kind of earliest memories as
a child and think about have you describe what your
exposure to baby feeding was culturally in your home and
in your community.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah, that's a really good question. I think food was
a really big love language, you know, generationally, from my
grandparents down to my parents. You know, food definitely was
the way my grandmother showed my father love, and food
was scarce in my mother's household. She grew up in poverty,

(04:17):
you know, so that was a big way of showing
love in my household, and it was very freely given.
And yeah, yeah, I was. We love food awesome.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
Okay. And so when we talk about babies in particular,
did you mostly see bottle feeding or did you see breastfeeding?
Did you see a combo as you were kind of
growing up from early childhood all the way through your
teens and into adulthood, what were you exposed to.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
I almost never noticed one way or the other. I
think I never disturred. I think I just viewed both
as normal and saw both within my personal life, you know,
my extended family, some sister in laws I've had that
have breastfed openly and that I would never stop to

(05:11):
think twice about a mother feeding with a bottle either.
So I personally was breastfed, I think up until around
nine months, which point I started to just refuse breastfeeding.
Mom says I started to refuse after she went on
a trip and I was angry at her. Who knows
how that was or what, but you know, breastfeeding was

(05:36):
part of my journey, and also formula feeding.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
So and also, yeah, okay, that's good. I always like
to dig into that cultural peace a little bit, because
one of the reasons breastfeeding is so hard now is
because many of us just have so little exposure and
often the first time we ever have seen a baby

(06:01):
on a breast up close and personal is when we're
feeding our own babies.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
Oh, it's pretty much more up close and personal.

Speaker 2 (06:10):
Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, Whereas in generations passed, people would have
lived more communally and would have seen each other feeding
babies from very early ages, right, but we just lived
such separate lives now, and so many people consider breastfeeding
so private that we don't get the early exposure that

(06:32):
we would have beforehand. Did you play with baby dolls?

Speaker 1 (06:38):
Loved it, loved all of that, Yeah, yes.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
And did you use bottles.

Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah I had that was orange juice
and mill and I multiple times. Yes, yes, absolutely, And
I love dolls even into middle school Americas A part
of my generation and I loved that. So that was yeah,

(07:05):
always a big part of my childhood.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
Okay, so then when you were expecting, what were you
thinking when it came to baby feeding? How did you
decide you were going to approach that once once it
came that's a.

Speaker 1 (07:21):
Great question, you know, and being a dietician, I do
know some of the health benefits of breast milk, absolutely,
and my goal was to breastfeed just per the guidelines
up to a year, being my personal goal. You know.
I know that varies. Some people go longer than that
and that's great for them, and others like me, to

(07:44):
turn out, have to cut it short for other reasons.
And yeah, so my goal initially was I thought that
I would go a year and see how it went.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
Yeah, and did you take any classes or read any
books or attendiny groups during the prenatal period?

Speaker 1 (08:05):
Great question, Not regarding breastfeeding during the post nail period
or while I was pregnant. I did see a lactation
consultant once while I was postpartum. It was part of
my birth center, which was awesome. It was a really
collaborative birth center. But beyond that, I did not seek
outside support.

Speaker 2 (08:25):
Okay, all right, And so then let's go right into
how it went for you, starting at the beginning. You
gave birth at a free standing birth center.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
Yes, the only one of my okay, all.

Speaker 2 (08:38):
Right, And and we're did things go mostly according to plan?
Were you able to begin feeding pretty quickly. How how
would those first moments.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
Thankfully, Yes, very natural, very instinctive. He took to it
very well, and we did not have a problem mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
Okay. And so you didn't experience any like pain initially.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
Or truthfully, not as much as I think other women do.
Certainly some discomfort, I would I would say discomfort at
times pain, but not to a high degree.

Speaker 2 (09:23):
Okay. And did you feel like you got enough help
in that initial postpartum period to really feel kind of
confident in learning this new skill?

Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yeah, you know, I had that lactation consultant from the
person or at my disposal, which is amazing. I could,
you know, for a sassion any time, But I didn't
feel like we necessarily had to, especially starting out.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
Okay. So then you had this initial period at the
first center. Typically you get booted out pretty quickly from
a birth center, right.

Speaker 1 (10:02):
Oh, that's the goal if everything is going well and
smoothly and everyone's healthy and everything is going well. So
we did leave six hours later he was.

Speaker 2 (10:11):
Born, okay. And what did you feel about that transition?
Did it feel like it was easy to do? Did
you wish you had more time?

Speaker 1 (10:21):
I was happy to be home, you know, comfortable, the
most comfortable space I could imagine, and you know, I showered,
I dressed into fresh clothing, and we had family time
and I was ready. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, So I would love to kind of focus on
those first few days at home for a minute, because
one of the things that I see in settings where
there is a lot more hands on support, so hospitals typically,
is the stress gets perpetuated the more people come in

(11:01):
and check and you know, wake up the baby and
start giving feeding advice and asking, you know, what's what's
the last time, when's the last time they ate? And
was it one side or two sides, and you know,
really being very hands on about providing support. Super frequently
I have seen people's stress start to ramp up, whereas

(11:25):
this was hands off right often, I hear once you're
if you can have the time to just focus on
your baby and getting to know your baby without a
lot of outside interference, your confidence with the skill building
of feeding your baby can increase a little bit more rapidly,
Whereas if there's an extended stay, it's almost like you

(11:50):
get you kind of receive crutches that are hard to
take away from you. Sure, yeah, what was your experience.
Did you feel like you did you feel confident in
your early parenting or did you feel like you had
a lot of questions you wish you could ask people.

Speaker 1 (12:05):
I actually felt really confident, Actually felt really confident. We
didn't really have trouble with latching or positioning. I was
able to find reasonably comfortable positions for myself.

Speaker 2 (12:19):
And him that worked.

Speaker 1 (12:22):
And I fed on demand as I saw his cues,
I was, you know, that was one thing I guess
I researched or knew already, you know, hunger cues, early
hunger cues, late hunger cues in newborns. So fed on demand,
and we at night, you know, had a bedside bascinette

(12:44):
with a zip down kind of opening, and that was
that was the beginning. Yeah, kind of a date, picking
up a lot throughout the night. But I also felt
like I fell asleep very quickly afterwards. To be honest,
buy because it's not always my experience.

Speaker 2 (13:02):
Yeah. Yeah, well those sleepy, those sleepy hormones that are
in the breast milk, help right now, help the baby. Yeah.
Do you feel like if you were in a different
setting that more doubt might have creeped in if people
were constantly questioning you, or do you think the confidence

(13:27):
was there regardless?

Speaker 1 (13:29):
That's a great question, you know. I think as a
healthcare provider myself, and as somebody who helps advise my
clients to advocate for themselves in medical settings, I think
that I would hope that I would feel i'd be
able to advocate for myself, to say no, thank you
to unwant helper assistance. But who knows if that would

(13:54):
be the case in the moment. I think I would
only know in the moment, and potentially I would have
impacted my experience.

Speaker 2 (14:00):
Yeah, yeah, did you have any major concerns initially? Like
were you worried about a sleepy baby? Or did you
experience a lot of engorgement? Or was were there any
weight gain difficulties initially?

Speaker 1 (14:14):
Truthfully?

Speaker 2 (14:14):
No?

Speaker 1 (14:15):
No, not initially?

Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah. And how long do you feel like that lasted?
Where it was like smooth sailing.

Speaker 1 (14:23):
A solid five months?

Speaker 2 (14:25):
Wow?

Speaker 1 (14:27):
Okay, I would say solid five months for us?

Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yeah? And what did anything happen at five months that
kind of changed things for you?

Speaker 1 (14:36):
Indeed? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (14:37):
Okay, all right, let's get into that then.

Speaker 1 (14:41):
Yes, so my partner had a job no longer has
currently but had a job that required work travel for
a period of extended time, months at a time, and
five months was when he had to leave us, and
I was put into a solo parent, aranting household position,

(15:02):
and those responsibilities went up for me. My support went down,
my sleep went down, and you know, pumping well, I
also still was working, you know, part time, but still working.
So there were periods I was away from him and

(15:23):
there was a nanny caring for him, and I was
just barely pumping enough to cover that time away and
it became extremely stressful.

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yeah, did you before he left you had already started working,
Is that right? What time did you go back to work?

Speaker 1 (15:45):
Actually two months in and sounds early, But because of
the nature of the practice I work at Happy Valley Nutrition.
We have a really flexible and just open culture, and
so I was a will to take on clients one
by one as I felt capable. And I started very

(16:09):
slow in study.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
Okay, okay, And so when you first started, you weren't
doing as much pumping because it was very strategic.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
I worked from only home, which you know, him also
being home either with you know, my partner or the nanny.
I was able to breastfeed if needed, potentially between clients
or what.

Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay, okay. So then at five months, partner leaves, and
was your plan to continue feeding how you had been
and then you kind of got thrown off by how
hard it was to solo parent. Is that kind of
how it worked out?

Speaker 1 (16:51):
The stress in and of itself, I think would have
done in it. But I think, you know that just
simply the dynamics of myself also starting to go back
into the office one day a week. Now I was pumping.
I was just not producing as much for pump and

(17:13):
ultimately my son's growth chart started to dip more than
the pediatrician was comfortable with or that I was comfortable with,
you know, provider myself. And so that is when we
started combo feeding.

Speaker 2 (17:26):
Okay. And what was that like when you first offered
something that wasn't your own milk? Was it difficult for
you or did you feel resolved enough at that time
that it was like, okay, this is just what we
have to do.

Speaker 1 (17:38):
It was extremely difficult. There was a lot of guilt,
a lot of feelings of failure, you know, and even
though I would provide the advice that fed is best
and I believe that to my core, I wanted what
was quote unquote best for my baby, and I didn't

(18:00):
feel like that I could give that to him, which
did not feel great.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
Yeah yeah. And was there anybody that you had in
your life that you could talk through these feelings that
was able to provide the right type of support, not
the dismissing or the you know, just name what you know. Truly.

Speaker 1 (18:23):
Only my therapist is very unique in the fact that
she's not only a licensed therapist, but she is also
a certified doula house so she has that experience with
pregnancy and postpartum and motherhood herself being a mother. So

(18:44):
I have truly kind of had myself a great outlet starting.

Speaker 2 (18:49):
And was this somebody you saw even before you had
your your baby?

Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yes? Yeah, actually, And as I found out I was pregnant,
that is when I decided to seek out a therapist
who specialized in perinatal mental health.

Speaker 2 (19:05):
Oh wow, that is so smart.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
You know, I have had my own personal mental health
struggles in the past, and I wanted to be coactive
absolutely as I could.

Speaker 2 (19:17):
Yeah, what a difference to already have that lifeline so
that when you're in the thick of the most difficult
struggles in the postpart in period. You're not having to
do the legwork to find the right person.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yes, yes, I think that preparation was really a great
decision that I made for myself. Yeah, and she's still
my therapist, so I absolutely love it.

Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, and so you so she was
able to kind of help you both feel all the
feelings you felt about combo feeding and recognize all the
all the ways that you were providing for your baby,

(20:07):
and you know, helping with that inner self talk that
that we have.

Speaker 1 (20:14):
Yeah, yeah, that feeding, solo parenting, and was diagnosed with
epilepsy a few very shortly after he left as well.
I had a seizure. I wasn't able to drive.

Speaker 2 (20:28):
Oh my goodness, all another layer of challenge. So yeah, yeah, wow,
that's incredible. And you were still the solo parent at
that time for an infant.

Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yeah, thankfully I did have, you know, my mom for support.
But yeah, for the most part, I would know, I
would say absolutely me, you know, beyond the driving piece.

Speaker 2 (20:59):
Yeah, and was your sleep a big part of making
sure that your epilepsy was well controlled?

Speaker 1 (21:12):
Yeah, So that's actually why my neurologist thinks I had
this level of a seizure in the first place.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
Because your sleep was so disrupted. Okay, okay, and so
what did your nighttimes look like up until then? What
was how was that going?

Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, you know at that point, he was really kind
of going through a tough point. At that five to
six months time, I would say, you know, we were
transitioning him from the bascinet to the crib in his
room and transitioning to doing bottle feeding versus breastfeeding all

(21:48):
the time. So it was it was just looking really different.
And I would say, you know, just then, night wakings
were enough to impact the amount of remsleep got for
a long enough period of time that the outcome was
just not great.

Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah, that's so hard. And so you began the combo
feeding around five months and then how did feeding change
from there?

Speaker 1 (22:17):
Yeah? So you know, we begun combo feeding, and the
formula was specified from when I was only away from him,
and then I slowly started honestly choosing to provide formula
at times, whether it be hat of convenience we were
in public and I didn't feel like getting undressed in public,

(22:38):
or I hadn't pumped enough. What have you, So I
would say by seven months it was exclusively formula.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
And was that surprising to you that your supply went
down so quickly once you started replacing feeds very much?

Speaker 1 (22:54):
So, yeah, you know, I did continue pumping, and like
I said, that, the production just was not there and
I was staying hydrated. Truthfully, my eating was probably not
adequate for what to be produced, just because also I
was extremely stressed. My appetite wasn't great, my ability to

(23:17):
prepare meals for myself wasn't great, So my overall intake
probably was just not adequate.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah, you know, what we eat has a lot less
to do with supply than the input output ratio there.
But this happens to so many people where for whatever reason,
they need to combo feed, and then the combo feeding
becomes so convenient and so helpful that then supply drops

(23:49):
because the baby just is not or there's not enough
milk being removed to signal to the body to make
more and more milk, and it becomes a tough choice
for people.

Speaker 1 (23:59):
Yeah, it is a hard transition, And you know, I
think also seeing him enjoyed the bottles did provide me
some sense of peace because I seem to really enjoy
them as well, not really have much difference in how
satisfied he fell afterward or how well he's afterwards. So yeah,

(24:22):
I came to a point where I was at peace
with that that shift.

Speaker 2 (24:27):
Yeah, yeah. I One of my very first interviews was
with a person who ended up exclusively formula feeding both
of her kids due to a variety of factors. And
she said that what she learned was because she had

(24:47):
expected to like fully breastfeed for years both of her kids,
and that's just not the way her story worked out.
But what she realized was that she nurked shared her
babies in all the same ways that she would have
had she breastfed. She still you know, fed on cue,

(25:10):
She still did a lot of snuggling when they were upset,
She baby wore, you know, she was able to still
create that same attachment even though babies weren't feeding from
her body. And I think for so many people who
have to make that transition, they have to come to
terms with the fact that, oh, yeah, I'm still the

(25:30):
primary nurturer of my baby. I'm just nurturing, not with
my breasts and all these other ways I'm nurturing.

Speaker 1 (25:37):
Absolutely yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:40):
I don't know if if that was your experience or not.
Did you use breastfeeding as a way to kind of
like calm your child?

Speaker 3 (25:48):
And oh, for sure, definitely, But overall I wouldn't say
he was an overly from baby naturally, you know, really easy.

Speaker 1 (26:01):
To calm with, like he has a favorite song and
things and what have you. So I didn't feel like
we struggled there.

Speaker 2 (26:13):
Okay, good, awesome. Well is there anything else do you remember,
like the last time he fed from your body?

Speaker 1 (26:23):
You know, I don't remember the actual last time, but
I remember the last I chose to do it on
video and in video, the breastfeeding session, and it's it
is very bittersweet to look back on, even though overall,
I would say I felt like breastfeeding wasn't a source

(26:43):
of joy for me necessarily, you know, it was a
source of fulfillment and rewarding and bonding and I do
love looking back at that.

Speaker 2 (26:55):
Yeah, yeah, that's interesting to bring up those two feelings,
joy versus fulfillment. I do think a lot of people
expect to feel more joy when they're breastfeeding. We have
these images of like a blissful, blissful mom and the
beautiful dress who looks exactly like she did right, Yeah,

(27:19):
for having her baby, And for many of us that's
not how it works out. And for some that lack
of joy means we need to transition, and for others
it means, Okay, I'm getting fulfillment out of this, even
though it's not bringing me the joy I expected.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
Yeah. Yeah, great distinction, Yeah, but overall a good experience
and would go as long as I could, you know,
should the next time come around?

Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yeah? Awesome, Well, thank you so much for sharing your
personal stories. The next time we talk, we're going to
dive into a body image and how people in this
early postpartum period and even beyond the early postpartum period
can come to terms with what their bodies are like

(28:10):
after such a big transition.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Yes, yes, all right, Low, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (28:16):
Yep, thank you. Dominique's story is one that so many
of us can relate to, but also has so many
of its own unique elements. Beginning to solo parent while
her partner was traveling extensively, starting at five months, the
balance between returning to work, trying to pump enough milk
for the baby, and recognizing that it might be time

(28:40):
to add in a supplement when pumping is not quite
providing enough. So come back next week and Dominique is
going to talk to us about the work that she
does in helping people come to terms with their new
postpartum bodies after delivering a baby. And now our views

(29:01):
of our own bodies can be crafted to be more positive,
even without actually ever changing our bodies.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Cardiac Cowboys

Crime Junkie

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}How Breastfeeding Guilt Breaks New Moms and the Mindset That Heals with Dominique Deslauriers

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Cardiac Cowboys

Crime Junkie

All Episodes

How Breastfeeding Guilt Breaks New Moms and the Mindset That Heals with Dominique Deslauriers

On Purpose with Jay Shetty