November 6, 2025 • 42 mins
Listen as Milah & Orlando discuss their experience with pre-marital coaching.
Social: @Milah_Mapp @Wh_orlandoroye @Hoochiemomanddad @Progressive_love_academy
Patreon: Patreon.com/LoveLikeThis
Social: @Milah_Mapp @Wh_orlandoroye @Hoochiemomanddad @Progressive_love_academy
Patreon: Patreon.com/LoveLikeThis
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Like this.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
We told you all we were going to have a
special guest couple of tonight.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
They are here with us, and we're gonna show.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
You exactly what happens in the divorces Loved Get in
here for everybody, Get in here. I'm not gonna first
live ever.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
I've never been you too, but since night is that night,
I'm stepping out and I'm gonna go live. I'm gonna
show you what the world's best loved coach actually does
because I do more than just talk.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I have Orlando here and his partner Jamila. They're gonna
tell us all about themselves the name of their podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Of course. I think you probably know Jamila from Good
Mom's Bad Show. That's where I met her in Los Angeles, California.
I'm so happy that she decided to do this with
her beautiful partner. So we're gonna get started, guys. I'm
very excited. Tonight, as you know, is the first time
that we're ever doing this, So please forgive anything that
(01:19):
looks weird. I'm gonna make everything really much prettier. But
you know they're here now and they're ready to go.
Why don't you all introduce yourself Orlando and Jamila. I'm
Jamila or Mila I. We have a podcast together called
Love Like This.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Kenya was recently on it, actually last week, so there's
a really good episode if you want to check that out.
Orlando and I have been partners, been together for four
years coming up. We've been living together for three The
first year of our relationship, the first six months of
our relationship is year and a half is long distance
(01:57):
and open because of the long distance. Recently got engaged
in January, so we're preparing to be married. And I
suggested to Kenya that why divorce proof when you could
breed marital divorce proof. A lot of people discuss a
lot of religions. I think religious people discuss having pre
(02:17):
marital counseling. That doesn't really fit my bill because I'm
not into religion specifically. So this seemed like a good
opportunity to just set a system of communication so that
we're not getting divorced either way, but that we have
a system to rely on so that we can prevent
that from ever being a topic of conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Hold on, y'all been together.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
We were together since January of twenty twenty two, three
and a half years man.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, that's wonderful, Orlando. You can tell us a little
bit about yourself.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Thank you, Jamila.
Speaker 5 (02:56):
I'm Orlando.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
I am Jamila's partner everything that she just said.
Speaker 5 (03:00):
And also I was.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I was born in Jamaica and then like raised in Brooklyn,
so I have a very aggressive version of what a
relationship looks like. I moved to la about three years
ago so I can live with and be with my
love right here. But it was my first time ever
living in a house with a woman romantically. And I
(03:28):
realized that the only other time I've lived with a
woman and like emotions be this heightened was when I
was living with my mom. And so now when things
come up they I wouldn't say that I view Neila
like the same way I view my mom, but I
think my body still keeps the score of what it
(03:49):
feels like to be hurt by a woman, or to
be disrespected or to feel like I'm not being really hurt.
So I can see how my reactions come up within
these conversations.
Speaker 5 (04:01):
And I was, I was.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I was a boy that's like that wanted to be
married since I was in like the fourth grade, so
I was willing to do anything that I can to
get to the point of marriage and it also be successful,
because I've seen so many failing relationships around my life
growing up, but just it being successful in any way
and without it also being a detriment to myself. So
(04:27):
sometimes I would see success as just like submitting and
just being like, all right, well whatever you say, you're right, and.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Then happy wife, happy wife, happy life.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
So I wanted to find a middle ground to where yeah,
my wife can be happy without me feeling like I
have to deal with like so many things or just
take on so many things or look the other way
or turn the other cheat to a lot of things.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
Yeah, that's never going to work.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Now, do you want to marry Jamila? Like, do you
all want? Do you want to be married someday?
Speaker 5 (05:00):
Thinking about it? Yes, I do.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I thought, you know that that was the direction. I mean,
that's the impression I got.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, I wanted to recent I definitely do want to
marry Mila, but I wanted to be a marriage where
I can be overly happy and.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Oh wow, overly happy Jamila. You know what he's talking about.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
I'm thinking peace, talking just about peace and happiness. We
both come from family dynamics that we didn't see healthy relationships.
Orlando is a product of his dad stepped out on
his wife, and he was a product of that affair.
(05:48):
So there's a lot of trauma there. And I am
a product of a long term marriage since they were
fourteen and seventeen. Lots of cheating, lots of fighting, lots
of my mom beating my dad's ass of arguing, and
I insists not using this word, and I always fuck
it up TU motuous relationships. And so I think we're
both coming in with the idea that we're going to
(06:10):
do things differently, and we recognize that it requires to
learn some shit. And so I'm thankful that we got
to have this opportunity to do this with you and share.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
I'm so excited. Can you all you'll mind telling your ages?
Speaker 5 (06:24):
I am thirty four and much older.
Speaker 4 (06:29):
I'm thirty six.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
She was really Robbini prighter.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
She's a cougar, but she's thirty figs next month, so
we're three years apart.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
That's not that's great. I mean, I get me in
fifteen years younger. This is nothing. Well then, baby, I'm
a real cougar, all right, So this is great now?
So tonight, you guys stepped in for the first time
in Divorce Proof Club, and something I heard you say
even before we get to the club. You said about
your mom and the abuse and the neglect or disrespect
(07:01):
that you felt. Some men don't want to own up
to the mother's stuff. I hear a lot of women say,
you know, we have our father's stuff, but some men
don't even like to even bring it, as if it's
never even existed that they had a tumultuous relationship with
their mother. What gives you the courage to say that
and why do you say that?
Speaker 5 (07:24):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
I think that old enough to the truth of it
makes me want to like realize that that needs to
be like the standard of what I need to be
better than. Miila has a daughter also, and since I've
stepped into like being like stepdaddy duties, I've tried to
position myself and remember what it was like when I
(07:49):
had a parent at that age, and so I think
about like things that my parents did at that age,
and that also helps me be a better parent. And
since I was a kid, one of my things that
I'll always say to myself was I'll just do the
opposite of whatever my parents were doing, and then I'll
be like pretty okay. So as long as I kind
of like remember the reality or the truth of what
(08:10):
was what was happening when I was a kid, then
I can use that as like the gold standard to remember,
this is what you need to be better at or
this is what you need to do differently. So I
kind of had to own up to it for to
then be better at better than it.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Jamila, keep him please, I am.
Speaker 4 (08:28):
It's lots and loaded, baby, That's how we're here.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Ain't gonna know where please? And I love you all's podcasts.
Did you all shout it out yet? Your podcast here
on YouTube?
Speaker 5 (08:38):
Yeah? So love like this, it's about.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Like the love like this, the the love like this.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
All right, good, good good. Next week, I'll have it
up in our Moniker, in your moniker as well. All right.
So what we do at Divorce Proof Club is take
couples just like this and we support them in having
the tools and resources that they need in order to
actually be together forever. Okay. When I say forever ever,
I'm saying forever like there's no reason their relationship is
(09:07):
gonna transition a thousand times. It's gonna change. Sometimes it's romantic,
then it's unconditional, then it's this, then it's that. And
that's what people don't understand when they're getting married. So
what we're gonna do is start by laying down a
foundation in y'all marriage. You already saw the club. We're
gonna put the creed and the constitution into your marriage.
So what I'm gonna do is share the screen right now,
(09:29):
and y'all are gonna tell the audience what you discovered
about your creed and constitution. So I'm sharing my screen
and you all think, oh, this is a quiz, but
it's really not, because you guys already know this stuff.
The creed, that's the first thing that we started with ego, animal,
higher self. Every couple has to have a creed. That's
(09:53):
like an honor system. You know, it's like we on
honor system, Like we know that's my ego, that's the
honor system. Like I noticed my animal, that's honor. And
so that's why we call this part a creed. Right,
So tell me what you discovered tonight about the part
of us that's the animal. You want to talk about
(10:14):
that one who wants to talk about animal? Who one
of y'all choose animal, one.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
Of you choose ego. Damn, that's hard. And initially, initially
when you said these things, I was wondering, even during
the episode, what's the difference between the animal and the ego?
But because I did my prerequisit at work? I know?
But I can identify with the animal and the ego
very much so because the animal is that initial feeling,
(10:39):
that initial reaction, that initial I would like to say,
it's like the initial feeling that like irritates you or scratches,
does something that jolts you the trigger. And the ego
is the story that I told myself based on that feeling.
I yes, I can get really stuck in these two
(11:00):
places very quickly because I have a feeling. I define
that feeling because I'm very self aware, and then my
ego says, this is what this means. And very rarely
do I even go up past that. I say, I'm smart,
I'm rational, I'm self aware, and this is what this means.
And if you don't get it, fuck you. That is
(11:20):
kind of that is where my protection stops. I think
the story is what is like your protection basically, or
like maybe the animals what you think is protecting you,
which tells you break away, like retreat, run, leave this
motherfucker alone. And I feel I yeah, the the initial irritation,
(11:42):
that initial reaction, and then the ego is that story
that supports that feeling, and then a lot of times
carries that feeling out for much longer than it needs
to exist.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
That's right, That's right, Orlando. How is it when she's
stuck in this ego she believes her story. She believes
that you fucked up and it wasn't right, and that's
just her belief. How does how is that for you?
When she's in this cycle just going back and forth
ego animal, ego animal.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
It's funny because so now well as she's saying, I
can see like how it's played out before in the past,
and I can see where her animal comes up, and
then her ego starts kicking in, and then it's kind
of like a trigger for me. So like when her
ego starts, then my animal starts where I'll start I'll
(12:32):
start feeling like the raw motion of like you're you're
on You only think this because of like past emotions
with other people. This is this is not me, This
has nothing to do with me, and you're you're misdirecting,
and then I will get I would get funny enough
in the flight mode where I would feel like I
don't want to deal with this because this is an
(12:54):
issue that someone else, like someone else created or CAUs
within you, and and now I just don't want to
deal and I just want to go.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
And then.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
That mentality would be supported in my ego where I
would dive it. I would double down and go, well,
I don't have to really put much thought or put
much energy into this because this is somebody else's issue
and I just need to wait till you come down
to make you realize like this is me when it
really probably just needs to be explored more. And regardless
(13:26):
if it's it was someone else that created the issue,
like we can help like work through it right now.
So I can see like how her ego starts up
my animal then feeds into my ego, and then we
just get into like this cycle of like my ego
starts her animal, and then her animal goes into her
ego and then starts my.
Speaker 5 (13:43):
Animal, and then we just in this like infinite cycle.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Well, welcome to the club. I have coached thousands of couples,
and that's how everyone is taught to communicate, by our parents,
by teachers, by the government. They in arguments to congress
with the legislative branch, and then that, I mean, that's
how everybody's communicating. Y'all realize that, yeah, what did you say?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
It's like my point, your point, and I just whoever is.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
And another thing growing up in like a Caribbean or
a Jamaican household is like the louder person wins. So
it's like, if I can make my point louder and
it could last, I can yell my point longer than
you can, then I'm pretty much gonna like win the argument.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
I forgot about the loudness factor. That is so true.
The biggest animal wins, you know, like if I'm a
if I'm a snake, a snake is still dangerous, but
but you a lion and you're gonna You're gonna win
that fight. But why would we continue this? This is
what this is what we call ego battles, the battle.
(14:48):
The battle means the animal and the egos there, but
it's the ego battle. It's just back and forth and
back and forth. So that's what we stopped in the club.
We'll put it into that and I'm gonna show you tonight.
They're gonna show you, y'all ready to show them. They're
going to show you their training in incorporating the higher self. See,
because it's no problem with the ego. We're not mad
(15:10):
at the ego. If you didn't have your ego, you
may as well have a lobotomy. You won't have no personality.
If you don't have an animal, you can't. You don't
have a physical body, you don't have a beating heart,
you know. So we need the animal, we need the ego.
But if it's not combined with this higher self in
(15:31):
our conversation style, then we're losing it. So the conversation,
you know, it should go animal. Yes, you have a
feeling ego, you're gonna express it, and your partner's gonna
bring you down and then you're gonna come back up
through the higher self who has the solution to bring
you around this circle. So you're connecting all of these components.
(15:55):
Now does that look like a circle?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
No?
Speaker 3 (15:58):
No, no, that's or like the cycle that keeps you alive.
Here here you are in the heart, in the in
the in the bed. They taking your e KG. You
want it to be like this right right, well way,
you don't want your e KG if it do this,
that's it what you're doing. Let me show you this one.
(16:20):
You know, some people say, well, you should just only
be the higher self. You should always be flat like,
always happy, always relaxed. No, that's not like this. You're
gonna be an ego animal. You're gonna be an ego
and animal. As long as you cross that center line
higher self, then you're not in a circular argument and
(16:44):
a fucked up relationship. So how do we incorporate the
higher self? It's gonna be so much fun. You guys
are about to practice it right now, and we're gonna
use my system up level communication. For everybody watching, I
want you to know this is a very special presentation
because not only are you getting into the back end
(17:05):
of how our community and systems work, but you can
actually practice this at home with your partner Horseproof Club. Well,
guess what you get this piece tonight? Up level. We
will be here every Thursday night at nine point fifteen
and we will go to nine forty five just to
show you what we do in the club. If you
want more information, you got to come to Progressiveloveacademy dot
(17:28):
com because this is where you get all the steps.
But what we're going to show you is what Orlando
and Jamila are learning today. You know it's going to
change their life tonight, and they've already seen how that
happens with this work. So who's going to be the
venting person and who's going to be the witness tonight?
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Ova, I was gonna just say something from a previous situation,
is that okay, can.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
You That's fine, that'll be perfect. So if she's gonna
be the venting person, that means Jemmy La is going
to allow her animal and her ego to speak. Nothing
in my work censors your animal. Nothing in my work
sensors your emotions. We want your emotions, but we want
(18:21):
them in safe container. Are you agreeable to be in
her witness?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Orlando, I'm agreeing to be your witness.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
Now I'm getting nervous. Do you want to.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Man what you're feeling nervous about? Well, just save it,
save it for the vent. Save the nerves, include the
nervousness in the vent. So look here, what she's gonna
do is follow the four steps of up level communication.
If you don't know what up level is, google it.
There are three communication systems four. There is non violent communication,
(18:54):
Radical Honesty, got Men, and then the best one made
by Kenya K. Stevens up Level Communication from Detroit, Michigan. Okay,
so so this one has four steps that you have
to use to set up your container. All right, she's
going to ask, right, she's gonna go ahead, So go
(19:15):
ahead and ask.
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Can you hold space for my event right now?
Speaker 5 (19:21):
Yes? Yes I can.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Wonderful, Now set up your container.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
Nobody's wrong, nobody's wrong, nobody's at fault. This is just
my ego speaking. I'm at about seven right now, can
I VT?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Yes? You can?
Speaker 4 (19:41):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
That's a perfect container. Go ahead and vent.
Speaker 4 (19:49):
The other night, we came in the house with the
groceries and I sat down, and you were going to
and instead of just doing the cooking and putting away
two bag uses that we had, you asked me to
help you when I was sitting on the couch and
not let did you ask me to help you, but
you left the fucking ice cream that is frozen in
the bags and waited until I came to join you.
(20:13):
Putting these groceries away you could have easily just put
the shit away and continued about your way, which was
fucking cooking the dinner, which you were doing anyway. I'm
a firm believer, if you're going to do it, do
the whole thing. And it irritated me. It irritated me
because then I realized you were literally waiting for me
to put these frozen goods away. And I said, I
(20:37):
feel like you asked me for help when you don't
really need help. And I know that pissed you off,
but it first pissed me off that you asked me
for help or something that I don't think you actually
needed help for. It's just something that you wanted me
to participate in. And I feel like you do that
a lot. Hey, can you help me with the groceries downstairs?
And I'm like, I get down there as like one
(20:59):
other bag. I know that this is probably rooted in
I'm coming from a background of being a single mom
and I get shit done alone all the time, and
so you asking me to do you doing eighty five
percent of it and asking me to do fifteen percent
is fucking irritating to me, and it pissed me off.
And when I said Yo, you asked me for I
(21:19):
feel like you asked me for help for things that
you don't really need help for. You reacted, and then
that pissed me off even further. He fucking punched a
hole in our cabinet. Go ahead, show the people, go ahead,
show them. Okay. It was eleven pm at night, it
was a Thursday. We were in a good place. We
(21:39):
were about to go to a party the next day,
a play party. And he got so angry that I said, Yo,
I think you asked for help a lot. He punched
the fucking cabinet. It broke the cabinet. And then I
come from it. I have a background of being in
an abusive relationship. It triggers me when there's any physical
situations that are he knows this, but on top of
(22:03):
him doing this, which also fucking up my furniture or
my household that we work really hard to keep, is
a trigger for me. But then he proceeded to say, ah,
my god, I think I need to go to the hospital,
knowing good and goddamn well, nobody has fucking health insurance
medical insurance. And then I had to proceed to drive
(22:23):
his crying ass to the fucking er at midnight on
a Thursday with no insurance, which took me from a
fucking seven to twenty. And now we're here five weeks later,
and you still have this fucking shit on your arm.
And it was just it feels like it was just unnecessary. Yea,
(22:48):
I'm mute.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Great, Now he's gonna say thank you for sharing, give
her a really sincere thank you for sharing that. How
can I support you for share?
Speaker 5 (23:01):
How can I support you with that?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
All right? You guys, hold on. I want you to
center yourselves in the screen. Center yourselves in the screen.
This is a very important part. This is up level soothing.
So if you can you see the words on the
right side of my screen here, good, so you can
ask for one of the seven soothings. Your your job,
(23:24):
sir Orlando, is to bring her down to a zero.
All right, She's at a seven and she started at
an eight, right, So go ahead and ask for your
first soothing. What do you need him to do to
soothe you?
Speaker 4 (23:40):
Can you? Can you give me some words of empathy?
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Wonderful? Now, hold on, everybody watching, This is where the
man is going to validate her emotion. This is a
practice of validation. So he's about to give her empathy.
Here's what you're gonna do, Orlando. Empathy has three steps
in up level. First, you're going to let her know
that you understand exactly how she feels. Give her some adjectives.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I understand exactly how you feel. I understand how in
the moment and my reaction can be frustrating. I can
see how after you already expressed something that could be
triggering to you and it happened again, can take you
from a seven to twenty.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I can understand now. The second step of empathy, you're
going to let her know when you've been there before,
when you've been that frustrated, nothing to do with her,
someone else, somewhere else in your life, where you can
imagine that it was exactly how she felt. So let
(24:52):
her know. I know how you felt because I've been.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
There before, know how you felt because I've been there before,
being in a place where you're express where I've expressed
to someone something that can be frustrating, and then continue
to do it and continue to do.
Speaker 5 (25:08):
It, or.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Purposely purposefully do half of a job or partial of
a job just because they felt like they just wanted
me to do something to make me do it. I
can understand how you may it can come across that way,
and I can understand how you felt in that situation.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Right good? Now ask her does that support you at all?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Does that help support you at all in this moment?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Ask her what level she's at?
Speaker 5 (25:39):
What level are you at?
Speaker 4 (25:40):
Now? I'm down to you too.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Wow, you took her down five points? Now ask her
how else can I support you? Because she's not at
a zero yet?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Oh, it's going to supports you to go from a
two to a zero or anything lower.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
You can ask him for one of the seven soothings,
repeat back, reassurance, empathy, simulation, touch, or open into questions.
I'd like to reassurance, so ask her what would she
like to be reassured of?
Speaker 5 (26:13):
What would you like to be reassured of?
Speaker 4 (26:14):
I would like you to reassure me that in the
next time I say something that you don't like or
that something is triggering that, I say that you are
not going to physically damage any of our property, and
you're going to take a deep breath and express to
me how that makes you feel. Instead of punching or
(26:35):
throwing anything in our house.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I can reassure you that in the future, when I
get frustrated that I will not become physical towards the
house in any type of way, that I will take
a breath. I will use my new up leveling system
in program so that it cannot get escalated to a
(26:59):
point where I have a cast on my hand for
five to six weeks and you are not further frustrated
with me about anything.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Tell him, thank you for sharing you sharing? Ask her?
Does that support you at all?
Speaker 5 (27:14):
I support you at all in any type of way?
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Yes, it does. I'm down to one.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Wow, So you want to ask her?
Speaker 5 (27:21):
What?
Speaker 3 (27:21):
How else?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
How else can I support you?
Speaker 4 (27:25):
Can you give me a kiss?
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Ask her what kind of kiss?
Speaker 5 (27:29):
Kind of kiss?
Speaker 4 (27:30):
Would you like a little tongue?
Speaker 5 (27:33):
H you want to? You want a little tongue in
your mouth? Yeah? You can do that for you?
Speaker 4 (27:44):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Ask her? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 5 (27:49):
I support you?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (27:50):
What level are you at now?
Speaker 4 (27:52):
And that is er? Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Your that was all right? Because guess what I'm gonna
ask you, Orlando. Does it feel good to have that
measurement to where you know when you've succeeded?
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, I guess like when it comes to like success
very like physical in the physical realm based. So if
I know exactly where I stand or where I'm at,
I can know like what to work on and what
to be better at, even if it's in the moment
right now. So to know like where I'm at without guessing,
(28:30):
and when it comes to women, like I feel like
guessing or just knowing you just have to know and
read their mind has always been like a struggle for me.
So to actually know like where we stand is actually
very helpful.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
That is so powerful. That's what I wanted to know.
I think men do or don't know where we are emotionally,
and so the measurement of up level is very supportive. Now,
how did that feel for you? Were you really down
at a zero? Like did you feel viscerally coming down?
Speaker 4 (29:00):
Yes? I feel like I felt viscerally coming down. I
feel like it helped me to acknowledge that the comment
initially was probably just an initial feeling reaction in the moment,
and if I would have maybe identified that out loud first,
it would have just shifted the energy of the entire
(29:22):
interaction and it wouldn't have escalated so quickly and gone
one hundred miles per hour to a place that didn't
need to go, which was the hospital.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
Right, And did you see that just now, as she
soothed her ego and animal, she just got the answer
from higher self.
Speaker 5 (29:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
So when I'm saying that it has the solution for
all things, but not when the ego's up, you can't
hear that. You've got to suthe that ego. That's why
men say, well, I don't want to sue her ego.
She just need to calm down. Okay, y'all can wait
all day for the higher self to come answer, or
you can expedite that process by soothing each other animal.
(30:05):
So this was your first time. Now, y'all have a
homework assignment for Divorce Proof Club, which is every day
you will vent Orlando, and you will vent people watching.
This is not just for women to vent. Men have
ventd too, Like tell us Orlando, how you would have
felt if you could have vented in that moment if
(30:26):
you had access to the tools.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Actually, I can see how that night would have That
night and the weeks after could have gone so much
differently because that specific night I was actively trying not
to have an argument. I remember saying, like I'm not
trying to argue, but in saying that, in not trying
to argue and us continuing to argue, it made my
(30:52):
frustration build up twice as fast to where I just
like exploded because I was trying to avoid something and
it's like, no matter what I do, it seems like
I can't avoid this, and it's getting even more frustrating
realizing that I can't avoid this thing that I'm trying
to avoid.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
I wish we had.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Time for you to vent tonight. Let's do your counter vent.
Let's just y'all have about ten more minutes to do
his vent. All right, go ahead, go ahead, set your container.
You remember what to do? Hey, listen, I forgot to
tell you take notes when he's venting. Take notes when
your partner's venting. Don't look at them in the eye
because it's hard. You might take it personal. Just take me.
You won't look at him. Just take notes.
Speaker 5 (31:31):
All right. It's at the stage.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
You this at the stage you're asking stage.
Speaker 5 (31:38):
Do I have your permission to vent? Right now? You do?
What was the next step?
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Nobody's doing anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Nobody's doing anything wrong. This is I believe my animals speaking.
I'm at about a six or seven right now, and
do I have your permission to start adventing.
Speaker 4 (32:06):
Yeah, I can hold space for that right now.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
And now again again let it out. I don't really
feel like I'm asking for much. Yes, you were a
single mom before, and you did do a lot before.
I did everything before, and now I feel as if
(32:34):
I've come in with the intention of taking a lot
off your plate so that you have space to do
more for your own business, for our child, and just
for whatever you want to do. So at the times
where I ask for just a little bit of help,
you know, just fifteen percent of the time or fifteen
(32:54):
percent of the help, because I do feel as if
I do most of the work. And it's not that
I have a problem with it. I actually enjoyed doing
for you. But at the times where I can't do
for you, I'm only asking for help so that I
can continue to stay on the pace and.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
The pace that I'm on.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Practically on top of that, I never actually ask for help.
In my opinion, I don't ask for help as much
as I can actually ask you for help. I take
it upon myself to do get things done just because
one that's just However, I was raising how I've been
(33:34):
doing things for a very long time. So at the
times where I'm asking for a bit of assistance is
because I've finally gotten to the point where a lot
of things may just be too much in that kind
of need some help, which I can see how that
plays into my frustration growing twice or five times as
(33:55):
fast as because I wait until things become so much
of a pressure before I ask for help. But it
can sometimes be difficult to ask you for help because
I feel as if this is how you react when
I asked you to do these smallest things. Your opinion
or how you feel about when you do things or
how you do things is your own, and the way
(34:17):
I go about it is my own. But I feel
like we have to be in tandemness and in teamwork
when coming to do things and asking you for fifteen
percent of the help, or asking for help fifteen percent
at a time, I don't think is really a big ass,
Especially that night in a situation where I was already
doing something for you. I was cooking for you, I
(34:38):
was I was we were spending a day together, and
I was taking you told me you're hungry, and I
felt like I was taking it upon myself to do
for you, and so I'm when I'm doing for you,
and then I'm asking you for assistance to continue to
do for you. Yeah, it became even more frustrating, and that.
Speaker 5 (34:59):
I can see that.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
I can see how that night escalated to a point
that it didn't need to go because the feeling of
not being appreciated started to set in because I asked
you to get up from the couch which you were
sitting at and doing nothing to just assist me with
something very minor in my opinion, So that was very frustrating.
(35:27):
And then afterwards for me to have damage myself and
you to seem to lack empathy and any compassion and
any compassion for my pain physically and emotionally, but to
stay within your frustration of what was happening in the
(35:48):
moment and not put that to the side to realize
that there is a much bigger issue at hand, which
is me physically damaged myself also played into the frustration
of pain. And to be honest with you, afterwards, I
thought about how I can better protect myself by just
keeping my emotions to myself, and I knew that that
(36:10):
wasn't a maybe a good solution, but I thought it
was the best way to protect myself from harm, and
I think that I was. I've been feeling as if
you can be very harmful at times.
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Thank thank you for sharing. How can I support you
with this?
Speaker 1 (36:35):
We just start off with a physical hug. Okay, now
I'm down to a five?
Speaker 3 (36:46):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (36:47):
How can I support you? How can I help get
you down from a fire?
Speaker 5 (36:52):
Can you repeat my vent to me? Is that how
it said? Repeat my vent?
Speaker 3 (36:57):
Repeat that he'd like you to summarize his what he's saying.
Can you tell him he wants to know you hear
what he's saying.
Speaker 4 (37:05):
When I refuse or decline or am reluctant to help
you when you ask request assistance for me, particularly when
you're doing things that help me or help our household,
it makes you feel unappreciated, which I understand. And it
makes you feel like you need to shut down your
(37:25):
feelings and not be expressive to me, which I don't
want and I don't want you to start to suppress
your feelings.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Can you stick to a repeat back. We don't want
your opinion in it. We want you to tell him
what you hear him saying.
Speaker 4 (37:43):
And that you would like me to be more considerate
of the fact that you are going out of your
way to assist and help me, and even in the
case of an argument or a disagreement, me continuing to be.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
What happened, what happened?
Speaker 6 (38:09):
I worded something I said, I said, and I continue
to when in a time and we're getting in an
argument instead of pushing aside my pushing aside the argument
and being empathetic.
Speaker 5 (38:26):
And continuing to be in my mouth a bitch.
Speaker 3 (38:30):
Okay, he was trying to feel in the word. You know,
that's how you played feeling the blank I was.
Speaker 4 (38:36):
Looking for and to be more empathetic, and he said
a bitch.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Let him know you should have said it. Now, hold
on one thing. She's going to continue her repeat back.
But I felt like your event was very tame you.
We're gonna get you to the point where you're letting
that animal out. Like to me, you were acting like
a bitch. You were like, you have to be able
to express that out of your body. Vents are not tamed.
(39:02):
They're the animal. You're letting the animals speak. So now
if you're like mouthing bitch, you didn't say bitch.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
That's how I was trying to hold back because I
was like that I should have expressed it when I
had the chance to and not in.
Speaker 5 (39:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:16):
Right, See that's what happened. He didn't really do his
full event, So finish your repeat back. Yeah that I
could be more.
Speaker 4 (39:24):
You would like for me to be more empathetic even
during an argument in the case that even something doesn't
go the way that I would like it to go.
And for me to be more considerate of the fact
that you are going out of your way to assist
and to help me and to lessen my my workload
(39:45):
and my stress load, and to be more aware of
how I come off when you are asking me for
something that obviously you're requesting because you're in.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Need of Yeah, tell him, Tell her thank you for sharing.
Speaker 5 (40:02):
For sharing. I am now down no, no hold.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
On tail her, Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 5 (40:08):
Thank you for sharing you.
Speaker 3 (40:09):
Ask him? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 4 (40:12):
Support you at all?
Speaker 5 (40:13):
Yes, I'm now down to a one.
Speaker 4 (40:16):
Okay, how can I bring you down to zero?
Speaker 5 (40:18):
I can go for a top kiss?
Speaker 4 (40:20):
What a top kiss?
Speaker 5 (40:23):
Kiss?
Speaker 3 (40:23):
What's that top kiss? All right? All right? Does that
support ask him? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 4 (40:32):
Support you at all?
Speaker 5 (40:33):
Yes, I'm down to a point one.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Ask him how else can I support you?
Speaker 4 (40:39):
I support you?
Speaker 5 (40:40):
A closing hug would be great.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 4 (40:48):
So wow.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
I just love that. I love that we recognize that
we got to get your animal up next week because
you you are during the week when y'all venting. Your
assignment is to vent every single day. You're gonna hold
space for him. You're gonna hold space for him. There's
no interrupting a venting person. You all already know that.
And then you know the soothings you're getting them. You
(41:11):
all know them by heart. That's good smart, So you
soothe your partner down to a zero at least once
a day. There are to be absolutely no arguments in
your relationship. If somebody is outside of container complaining why
where are you at? Tell him excuse me? Do you
have a vent? Do you need to set container? There's
(41:32):
we have to interrupt the pattern this week.
Speaker 5 (41:35):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (41:36):
If you find her out of container talking to you,
out of her talking crazy, tell her to get into container.
If she can't, you have to set the boundary of
excusing yourself. You're not going to listen to her vent
Without container, You're not gonna listen to him vent without container.
We're done like this
Like this.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
We told you all we were going to have a
special guest couple of tonight.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
They are here with us, and we're gonna show.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
You exactly what happens in the divorces Loved Get in
here for everybody, Get in here. I'm not gonna first
live ever.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
I've never been you too, but since night is that night,
I'm stepping out and I'm gonna go live. I'm gonna
show you what the world's best loved coach actually does
because I do more than just talk.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I have Orlando here and his partner Jamila. They're gonna
tell us all about themselves the name of their podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Of course. I think you probably know Jamila from Good
Mom's Bad Show. That's where I met her in Los Angeles, California.
I'm so happy that she decided to do this with
her beautiful partner. So we're gonna get started, guys. I'm
very excited. Tonight, as you know, is the first time
that we're ever doing this, So please forgive anything that
(01:19):
looks weird. I'm gonna make everything really much prettier. But
you know they're here now and they're ready to go.
Why don't you all introduce yourself Orlando and Jamila. I'm
Jamila or Mila I. We have a podcast together called
Love Like This.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Kenya was recently on it, actually last week, so there's
a really good episode if you want to check that out.
Orlando and I have been partners, been together for four
years coming up. We've been living together for three The
first year of our relationship, the first six months of
our relationship is year and a half is long distance
(01:57):
and open because of the long distance. Recently got engaged
in January, so we're preparing to be married. And I
suggested to Kenya that why divorce proof when you could
breed marital divorce proof. A lot of people discuss a
lot of religions. I think religious people discuss having pre
(02:17):
marital counseling. That doesn't really fit my bill because I'm
not into religion specifically. So this seemed like a good
opportunity to just set a system of communication so that
we're not getting divorced either way, but that we have
a system to rely on so that we can prevent
that from ever being a topic of conversation.
Speaker 3 (02:38):
Hold on, y'all been together.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
We were together since January of twenty twenty two, three
and a half years man.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Yeah, that's wonderful, Orlando. You can tell us a little
bit about yourself.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Thank you, Jamila.
Speaker 5 (02:56):
I'm Orlando.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
I am Jamila's partner everything that she just said.
Speaker 5 (03:00):
And also I was.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I was born in Jamaica and then like raised in Brooklyn,
so I have a very aggressive version of what a
relationship looks like. I moved to la about three years
ago so I can live with and be with my
love right here. But it was my first time ever
living in a house with a woman romantically. And I
(03:28):
realized that the only other time I've lived with a
woman and like emotions be this heightened was when I
was living with my mom. And so now when things
come up they I wouldn't say that I view Neila
like the same way I view my mom, but I
think my body still keeps the score of what it
(03:49):
feels like to be hurt by a woman, or to
be disrespected or to feel like I'm not being really hurt.
So I can see how my reactions come up within
these conversations.
Speaker 5 (04:01):
And I was, I was.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
I was a boy that's like that wanted to be
married since I was in like the fourth grade, so
I was willing to do anything that I can to
get to the point of marriage and it also be successful,
because I've seen so many failing relationships around my life
growing up, but just it being successful in any way
and without it also being a detriment to myself. So
(04:27):
sometimes I would see success as just like submitting and
just being like, all right, well whatever you say, you're right, and.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Then happy wife, happy wife, happy life.
Speaker 5 (04:36):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
So I wanted to find a middle ground to where yeah,
my wife can be happy without me feeling like I
have to deal with like so many things or just
take on so many things or look the other way
or turn the other cheat to a lot of things.
Speaker 4 (04:54):
Yeah, that's never going to work.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Now, do you want to marry Jamila? Like, do you
all want? Do you want to be married someday?
Speaker 5 (05:00):
Thinking about it? Yes, I do.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I thought, you know that that was the direction. I mean,
that's the impression I got.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, I wanted to recent I definitely do want to
marry Mila, but I wanted to be a marriage where
I can be overly happy and.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Oh wow, overly happy Jamila. You know what he's talking about.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
I'm thinking peace, talking just about peace and happiness. We
both come from family dynamics that we didn't see healthy relationships.
Orlando is a product of his dad stepped out on
his wife, and he was a product of that affair.
(05:48):
So there's a lot of trauma there. And I am
a product of a long term marriage since they were
fourteen and seventeen. Lots of cheating, lots of fighting, lots
of my mom beating my dad's ass of arguing, and
I insists not using this word, and I always fuck
it up TU motuous relationships. And so I think we're
both coming in with the idea that we're going to
(06:10):
do things differently, and we recognize that it requires to
learn some shit. And so I'm thankful that we got
to have this opportunity to do this with you and share.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
I'm so excited. Can you all you'll mind telling your ages?
Speaker 5 (06:24):
I am thirty four and much older.
Speaker 4 (06:29):
I'm thirty six.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
She was really Robbini prighter.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
She's a cougar, but she's thirty figs next month, so
we're three years apart.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
That's not that's great. I mean, I get me in
fifteen years younger. This is nothing. Well then, baby, I'm
a real cougar, all right, So this is great now?
So tonight, you guys stepped in for the first time
in Divorce Proof Club, and something I heard you say
even before we get to the club. You said about
your mom and the abuse and the neglect or disrespect
(07:01):
that you felt. Some men don't want to own up
to the mother's stuff. I hear a lot of women say,
you know, we have our father's stuff, but some men
don't even like to even bring it, as if it's
never even existed that they had a tumultuous relationship with
their mother. What gives you the courage to say that
and why do you say that?
Speaker 5 (07:24):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
I think that old enough to the truth of it
makes me want to like realize that that needs to
be like the standard of what I need to be
better than. Miila has a daughter also, and since I've
stepped into like being like stepdaddy duties, I've tried to
position myself and remember what it was like when I
(07:49):
had a parent at that age, and so I think
about like things that my parents did at that age,
and that also helps me be a better parent. And
since I was a kid, one of my things that
I'll always say to myself was I'll just do the
opposite of whatever my parents were doing, and then I'll
be like pretty okay. So as long as I kind
of like remember the reality or the truth of what
(08:10):
was what was happening when I was a kid, then
I can use that as like the gold standard to remember,
this is what you need to be better at or
this is what you need to do differently. So I
kind of had to own up to it for to
then be better at better than it.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Jamila, keep him please, I am.
Speaker 4 (08:28):
It's lots and loaded, baby, That's how we're here.
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Ain't gonna know where please? And I love you all's podcasts.
Did you all shout it out yet? Your podcast here
on YouTube?
Speaker 5 (08:38):
Yeah? So love like this, it's about.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Like the love like this, the the love like this.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
All right, good, good good. Next week, I'll have it
up in our Moniker, in your moniker as well. All right.
So what we do at Divorce Proof Club is take
couples just like this and we support them in having
the tools and resources that they need in order to
actually be together forever. Okay. When I say forever ever,
I'm saying forever like there's no reason their relationship is
(09:07):
gonna transition a thousand times. It's gonna change. Sometimes it's romantic,
then it's unconditional, then it's this, then it's that. And
that's what people don't understand when they're getting married. So
what we're gonna do is start by laying down a
foundation in y'all marriage. You already saw the club. We're
gonna put the creed and the constitution into your marriage.
So what I'm gonna do is share the screen right now,
(09:29):
and y'all are gonna tell the audience what you discovered
about your creed and constitution. So I'm sharing my screen
and you all think, oh, this is a quiz, but
it's really not, because you guys already know this stuff.
The creed, that's the first thing that we started with ego, animal,
higher self. Every couple has to have a creed. That's
(09:53):
like an honor system. You know, it's like we on
honor system, Like we know that's my ego, that's the
honor system. Like I noticed my animal, that's honor. And
so that's why we call this part a creed. Right,
So tell me what you discovered tonight about the part
of us that's the animal. You want to talk about
(10:14):
that one who wants to talk about animal? Who one
of y'all choose animal, one.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
Of you choose ego. Damn, that's hard. And initially, initially
when you said these things, I was wondering, even during
the episode, what's the difference between the animal and the ego?
But because I did my prerequisit at work? I know?
But I can identify with the animal and the ego
very much so because the animal is that initial feeling,
(10:39):
that initial reaction, that initial I would like to say,
it's like the initial feeling that like irritates you or scratches,
does something that jolts you the trigger. And the ego
is the story that I told myself based on that feeling.
I yes, I can get really stuck in these two
(11:00):
places very quickly because I have a feeling. I define
that feeling because I'm very self aware, and then my
ego says, this is what this means. And very rarely
do I even go up past that. I say, I'm smart,
I'm rational, I'm self aware, and this is what this means.
And if you don't get it, fuck you. That is
(11:20):
kind of that is where my protection stops. I think
the story is what is like your protection basically, or
like maybe the animals what you think is protecting you,
which tells you break away, like retreat, run, leave this
motherfucker alone. And I feel I yeah, the the initial irritation,
(11:42):
that initial reaction, and then the ego is that story
that supports that feeling, and then a lot of times
carries that feeling out for much longer than it needs
to exist.
Speaker 3 (11:51):
That's right, That's right, Orlando. How is it when she's
stuck in this ego she believes her story. She believes
that you fucked up and it wasn't right, and that's
just her belief. How does how is that for you?
When she's in this cycle just going back and forth
ego animal, ego animal.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
It's funny because so now well as she's saying, I
can see like how it's played out before in the past,
and I can see where her animal comes up, and
then her ego starts kicking in, and then it's kind
of like a trigger for me. So like when her
ego starts, then my animal starts where I'll start I'll
(12:32):
start feeling like the raw motion of like you're you're
on You only think this because of like past emotions
with other people. This is this is not me, This
has nothing to do with me, and you're you're misdirecting,
and then I will get I would get funny enough
in the flight mode where I would feel like I
don't want to deal with this because this is an
(12:54):
issue that someone else, like someone else created or CAUs
within you, and and now I just don't want to
deal and I just want to go.
Speaker 5 (13:02):
And then.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
That mentality would be supported in my ego where I
would dive it. I would double down and go, well,
I don't have to really put much thought or put
much energy into this because this is somebody else's issue
and I just need to wait till you come down
to make you realize like this is me when it
really probably just needs to be explored more. And regardless
(13:26):
if it's it was someone else that created the issue,
like we can help like work through it right now.
So I can see like how her ego starts up
my animal then feeds into my ego, and then we
just get into like this cycle of like my ego
starts her animal, and then her animal goes into her
ego and then starts my.
Speaker 5 (13:43):
Animal, and then we just in this like infinite cycle.
Speaker 3 (13:47):
Well, welcome to the club. I have coached thousands of couples,
and that's how everyone is taught to communicate, by our parents,
by teachers, by the government. They in arguments to congress
with the legislative branch, and then that, I mean, that's
how everybody's communicating. Y'all realize that, yeah, what did you say?
Speaker 5 (14:09):
It's like my point, your point, and I just whoever is.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
And another thing growing up in like a Caribbean or
a Jamaican household is like the louder person wins. So
it's like, if I can make my point louder and
it could last, I can yell my point longer than
you can, then I'm pretty much gonna like win the argument.
Speaker 3 (14:27):
I forgot about the loudness factor. That is so true.
The biggest animal wins, you know, like if I'm a
if I'm a snake, a snake is still dangerous, but
but you a lion and you're gonna You're gonna win
that fight. But why would we continue this? This is
what this is what we call ego battles, the battle.
(14:48):
The battle means the animal and the egos there, but
it's the ego battle. It's just back and forth and
back and forth. So that's what we stopped in the club.
We'll put it into that and I'm gonna show you tonight.
They're gonna show you, y'all ready to show them. They're
going to show you their training in incorporating the higher self. See,
because it's no problem with the ego. We're not mad
(15:10):
at the ego. If you didn't have your ego, you
may as well have a lobotomy. You won't have no personality.
If you don't have an animal, you can't. You don't
have a physical body, you don't have a beating heart,
you know. So we need the animal, we need the ego.
But if it's not combined with this higher self in
(15:31):
our conversation style, then we're losing it. So the conversation,
you know, it should go animal. Yes, you have a
feeling ego, you're gonna express it, and your partner's gonna
bring you down and then you're gonna come back up
through the higher self who has the solution to bring
you around this circle. So you're connecting all of these components.
(15:55):
Now does that look like a circle?
Speaker 4 (15:58):
No?
Speaker 3 (15:58):
No, no, that's or like the cycle that keeps you alive.
Here here you are in the heart, in the in
the in the bed. They taking your e KG. You
want it to be like this right right, well way,
you don't want your e KG if it do this,
that's it what you're doing. Let me show you this one.
(16:20):
You know, some people say, well, you should just only
be the higher self. You should always be flat like,
always happy, always relaxed. No, that's not like this. You're
gonna be an ego animal. You're gonna be an ego
and animal. As long as you cross that center line
higher self, then you're not in a circular argument and
(16:44):
a fucked up relationship. So how do we incorporate the
higher self? It's gonna be so much fun. You guys
are about to practice it right now, and we're gonna
use my system up level communication. For everybody watching, I
want you to know this is a very special presentation
because not only are you getting into the back end
(17:05):
of how our community and systems work, but you can
actually practice this at home with your partner Horseproof Club. Well,
guess what you get this piece tonight? Up level. We
will be here every Thursday night at nine point fifteen
and we will go to nine forty five just to
show you what we do in the club. If you
want more information, you got to come to Progressiveloveacademy dot
(17:28):
com because this is where you get all the steps.
But what we're going to show you is what Orlando
and Jamila are learning today. You know it's going to
change their life tonight, and they've already seen how that
happens with this work. So who's going to be the
venting person and who's going to be the witness tonight?
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Ova, I was gonna just say something from a previous situation,
is that okay, can.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
You That's fine, that'll be perfect. So if she's gonna
be the venting person, that means Jemmy La is going
to allow her animal and her ego to speak. Nothing
in my work censors your animal. Nothing in my work
sensors your emotions. We want your emotions, but we want
(18:21):
them in safe container. Are you agreeable to be in
her witness?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Orlando, I'm agreeing to be your witness.
Speaker 4 (18:29):
Now I'm getting nervous. Do you want to.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
Man what you're feeling nervous about? Well, just save it,
save it for the vent. Save the nerves, include the
nervousness in the vent. So look here, what she's gonna
do is follow the four steps of up level communication.
If you don't know what up level is, google it.
There are three communication systems four. There is non violent communication,
(18:54):
Radical Honesty, got Men, and then the best one made
by Kenya K. Stevens up Level Communication from Detroit, Michigan. Okay,
so so this one has four steps that you have
to use to set up your container. All right, she's
going to ask, right, she's gonna go ahead, So go
(19:15):
ahead and ask.
Speaker 4 (19:17):
Can you hold space for my event right now?
Speaker 5 (19:21):
Yes? Yes I can.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Wonderful, Now set up your container.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
Nobody's wrong, nobody's wrong, nobody's at fault. This is just
my ego speaking. I'm at about seven right now, can
I VT?
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Yes? You can?
Speaker 4 (19:41):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
That's a perfect container. Go ahead and vent.
Speaker 4 (19:49):
The other night, we came in the house with the
groceries and I sat down, and you were going to
and instead of just doing the cooking and putting away
two bag uses that we had, you asked me to
help you when I was sitting on the couch and
not let did you ask me to help you, but
you left the fucking ice cream that is frozen in
the bags and waited until I came to join you.
(20:13):
Putting these groceries away you could have easily just put
the shit away and continued about your way, which was
fucking cooking the dinner, which you were doing anyway. I'm
a firm believer, if you're going to do it, do
the whole thing. And it irritated me. It irritated me
because then I realized you were literally waiting for me
to put these frozen goods away. And I said, I
(20:37):
feel like you asked me for help when you don't
really need help. And I know that pissed you off,
but it first pissed me off that you asked me
for help or something that I don't think you actually
needed help for. It's just something that you wanted me
to participate in. And I feel like you do that
a lot. Hey, can you help me with the groceries downstairs?
And I'm like, I get down there as like one
(20:59):
other bag. I know that this is probably rooted in
I'm coming from a background of being a single mom
and I get shit done alone all the time, and
so you asking me to do you doing eighty five
percent of it and asking me to do fifteen percent
is fucking irritating to me, and it pissed me off.
And when I said Yo, you asked me for I
(21:19):
feel like you asked me for help for things that
you don't really need help for. You reacted, and then
that pissed me off even further. He fucking punched a
hole in our cabinet. Go ahead, show the people, go ahead,
show them. Okay. It was eleven pm at night, it
was a Thursday. We were in a good place. We
(21:39):
were about to go to a party the next day,
a play party. And he got so angry that I said, Yo,
I think you asked for help a lot. He punched
the fucking cabinet. It broke the cabinet. And then I
come from it. I have a background of being in
an abusive relationship. It triggers me when there's any physical
situations that are he knows this, but on top of
(22:03):
him doing this, which also fucking up my furniture or
my household that we work really hard to keep, is
a trigger for me. But then he proceeded to say, ah,
my god, I think I need to go to the hospital,
knowing good and goddamn well, nobody has fucking health insurance
medical insurance. And then I had to proceed to drive
(22:23):
his crying ass to the fucking er at midnight on
a Thursday with no insurance, which took me from a
fucking seven to twenty. And now we're here five weeks later,
and you still have this fucking shit on your arm.
And it was just it feels like it was just unnecessary. Yea,
(22:48):
I'm mute.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Great, Now he's gonna say thank you for sharing, give
her a really sincere thank you for sharing that. How
can I support you for share?
Speaker 5 (23:01):
How can I support you with that?
Speaker 3 (23:03):
All right? You guys, hold on. I want you to
center yourselves in the screen. Center yourselves in the screen.
This is a very important part. This is up level soothing.
So if you can you see the words on the
right side of my screen here, good, so you can
ask for one of the seven soothings. Your your job,
(23:24):
sir Orlando, is to bring her down to a zero.
All right, She's at a seven and she started at
an eight, right, So go ahead and ask for your
first soothing. What do you need him to do to
soothe you?
Speaker 4 (23:40):
Can you? Can you give me some words of empathy?
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Wonderful? Now, hold on, everybody watching, This is where the
man is going to validate her emotion. This is a
practice of validation. So he's about to give her empathy.
Here's what you're gonna do, Orlando. Empathy has three steps
in up level. First, you're going to let her know
that you understand exactly how she feels. Give her some adjectives.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I understand exactly how you feel. I understand how in
the moment and my reaction can be frustrating. I can
see how after you already expressed something that could be
triggering to you and it happened again, can take you
from a seven to twenty.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
I can understand now. The second step of empathy, you're
going to let her know when you've been there before,
when you've been that frustrated, nothing to do with her,
someone else, somewhere else in your life, where you can
imagine that it was exactly how she felt. So let
(24:52):
her know. I know how you felt because I've been.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
There before, know how you felt because I've been there before,
being in a place where you're express where I've expressed
to someone something that can be frustrating, and then continue
to do it and continue to do.
Speaker 5 (25:08):
It, or.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Purposely purposefully do half of a job or partial of
a job just because they felt like they just wanted
me to do something to make me do it. I
can understand how you may it can come across that way,
and I can understand how you felt in that situation.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
Right good? Now ask her does that support you at all?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Does that help support you at all in this moment?
Speaker 4 (25:36):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (25:37):
Ask her what level she's at?
Speaker 5 (25:39):
What level are you at?
Speaker 4 (25:40):
Now? I'm down to you too.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
Wow, you took her down five points? Now ask her
how else can I support you? Because she's not at
a zero yet?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Oh, it's going to supports you to go from a
two to a zero or anything lower.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
You can ask him for one of the seven soothings,
repeat back, reassurance, empathy, simulation, touch, or open into questions.
I'd like to reassurance, so ask her what would she
like to be reassured of?
Speaker 5 (26:13):
What would you like to be reassured of?
Speaker 4 (26:14):
I would like you to reassure me that in the
next time I say something that you don't like or
that something is triggering that, I say that you are
not going to physically damage any of our property, and
you're going to take a deep breath and express to
me how that makes you feel. Instead of punching or
(26:35):
throwing anything in our house.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I can reassure you that in the future, when I
get frustrated that I will not become physical towards the
house in any type of way, that I will take
a breath. I will use my new up leveling system
in program so that it cannot get escalated to a
(26:59):
point where I have a cast on my hand for
five to six weeks and you are not further frustrated
with me about anything.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Tell him, thank you for sharing you sharing? Ask her?
Does that support you at all?
Speaker 5 (27:14):
I support you at all in any type of way?
Speaker 4 (27:16):
Yes, it does. I'm down to one.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
Wow, So you want to ask her?
Speaker 5 (27:21):
What?
Speaker 3 (27:21):
How else?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
How else can I support you?
Speaker 4 (27:25):
Can you give me a kiss?
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Ask her what kind of kiss?
Speaker 5 (27:29):
Kind of kiss?
Speaker 4 (27:30):
Would you like a little tongue?
Speaker 5 (27:33):
H you want to? You want a little tongue in
your mouth? Yeah? You can do that for you?
Speaker 4 (27:44):
Thank you?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Ask her? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 5 (27:49):
I support you?
Speaker 3 (27:50):
Yes?
Speaker 5 (27:50):
What level are you at now?
Speaker 4 (27:52):
And that is er? Okay, okay, okay.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Your that was all right? Because guess what I'm gonna
ask you, Orlando. Does it feel good to have that
measurement to where you know when you've succeeded?
Speaker 5 (28:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (28:09):
Yeah, I guess like when it comes to like success
very like physical in the physical realm based. So if
I know exactly where I stand or where I'm at,
I can know like what to work on and what
to be better at, even if it's in the moment
right now. So to know like where I'm at without guessing,
(28:30):
and when it comes to women, like I feel like
guessing or just knowing you just have to know and
read their mind has always been like a struggle for me.
So to actually know like where we stand is actually
very helpful.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
That is so powerful. That's what I wanted to know.
I think men do or don't know where we are emotionally,
and so the measurement of up level is very supportive. Now,
how did that feel for you? Were you really down
at a zero? Like did you feel viscerally coming down?
Speaker 4 (29:00):
Yes? I feel like I felt viscerally coming down. I
feel like it helped me to acknowledge that the comment
initially was probably just an initial feeling reaction in the moment,
and if I would have maybe identified that out loud first,
it would have just shifted the energy of the entire
(29:22):
interaction and it wouldn't have escalated so quickly and gone
one hundred miles per hour to a place that didn't
need to go, which was the hospital.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
Right, And did you see that just now, as she
soothed her ego and animal, she just got the answer
from higher self.
Speaker 5 (29:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
So when I'm saying that it has the solution for
all things, but not when the ego's up, you can't
hear that. You've got to suthe that ego. That's why
men say, well, I don't want to sue her ego.
She just need to calm down. Okay, y'all can wait
all day for the higher self to come answer, or
you can expedite that process by soothing each other animal.
(30:05):
So this was your first time. Now, y'all have a
homework assignment for Divorce Proof Club, which is every day
you will vent Orlando, and you will vent people watching.
This is not just for women to vent. Men have
ventd too, Like tell us Orlando, how you would have
felt if you could have vented in that moment if
(30:26):
you had access to the tools.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
Actually, I can see how that night would have That
night and the weeks after could have gone so much
differently because that specific night I was actively trying not
to have an argument. I remember saying, like I'm not
trying to argue, but in saying that, in not trying
to argue and us continuing to argue, it made my
(30:52):
frustration build up twice as fast to where I just
like exploded because I was trying to avoid something and
it's like, no matter what I do, it seems like
I can't avoid this, and it's getting even more frustrating
realizing that I can't avoid this thing that I'm trying
to avoid.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
I wish we had.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Time for you to vent tonight. Let's do your counter vent.
Let's just y'all have about ten more minutes to do
his vent. All right, go ahead, go ahead, set your container.
You remember what to do? Hey, listen, I forgot to
tell you take notes when he's venting. Take notes when
your partner's venting. Don't look at them in the eye
because it's hard. You might take it personal. Just take me.
You won't look at him. Just take notes.
Speaker 5 (31:31):
All right. It's at the stage.
Speaker 4 (31:34):
You this at the stage you're asking stage.
Speaker 5 (31:38):
Do I have your permission to vent? Right now? You do?
What was the next step?
Speaker 3 (31:45):
Nobody's doing anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Nobody's doing anything wrong. This is I believe my animals speaking.
I'm at about a six or seven right now, and
do I have your permission to start adventing.
Speaker 4 (32:06):
Yeah, I can hold space for that right now.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
And now again again let it out. I don't really
feel like I'm asking for much. Yes, you were a
single mom before, and you did do a lot before.
I did everything before, and now I feel as if
(32:34):
I've come in with the intention of taking a lot
off your plate so that you have space to do
more for your own business, for our child, and just
for whatever you want to do. So at the times
where I ask for just a little bit of help,
you know, just fifteen percent of the time or fifteen
(32:54):
percent of the help, because I do feel as if
I do most of the work. And it's not that
I have a problem with it. I actually enjoyed doing
for you. But at the times where I can't do
for you, I'm only asking for help so that I
can continue to stay on the pace and.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
The pace that I'm on.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Practically on top of that, I never actually ask for help.
In my opinion, I don't ask for help as much
as I can actually ask you for help. I take
it upon myself to do get things done just because
one that's just However, I was raising how I've been
(33:34):
doing things for a very long time. So at the
times where I'm asking for a bit of assistance is
because I've finally gotten to the point where a lot
of things may just be too much in that kind
of need some help, which I can see how that
plays into my frustration growing twice or five times as
(33:55):
fast as because I wait until things become so much
of a pressure before I ask for help. But it
can sometimes be difficult to ask you for help because
I feel as if this is how you react when
I asked you to do these smallest things. Your opinion
or how you feel about when you do things or
how you do things is your own, and the way
(34:17):
I go about it is my own. But I feel
like we have to be in tandemness and in teamwork
when coming to do things and asking you for fifteen
percent of the help, or asking for help fifteen percent
at a time, I don't think is really a big ass,
Especially that night in a situation where I was already
doing something for you. I was cooking for you, I
(34:38):
was I was we were spending a day together, and
I was taking you told me you're hungry, and I
felt like I was taking it upon myself to do
for you, and so I'm when I'm doing for you,
and then I'm asking you for assistance to continue to
do for you. Yeah, it became even more frustrating, and that.
Speaker 5 (34:59):
I can see that.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
I can see how that night escalated to a point
that it didn't need to go because the feeling of
not being appreciated started to set in because I asked
you to get up from the couch which you were
sitting at and doing nothing to just assist me with
something very minor in my opinion, So that was very frustrating.
(35:27):
And then afterwards for me to have damage myself and
you to seem to lack empathy and any compassion and
any compassion for my pain physically and emotionally, but to
stay within your frustration of what was happening in the
(35:48):
moment and not put that to the side to realize
that there is a much bigger issue at hand, which
is me physically damaged myself also played into the frustration
of pain. And to be honest with you, afterwards, I
thought about how I can better protect myself by just
keeping my emotions to myself, and I knew that that
(36:10):
wasn't a maybe a good solution, but I thought it
was the best way to protect myself from harm, and
I think that I was. I've been feeling as if
you can be very harmful at times.
Speaker 4 (36:27):
Thank thank you for sharing. How can I support you
with this?
Speaker 1 (36:35):
We just start off with a physical hug. Okay, now
I'm down to a five?
Speaker 3 (36:46):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (36:47):
How can I support you? How can I help get
you down from a fire?
Speaker 5 (36:52):
Can you repeat my vent to me? Is that how
it said? Repeat my vent?
Speaker 3 (36:57):
Repeat that he'd like you to summarize his what he's saying.
Can you tell him he wants to know you hear
what he's saying.
Speaker 4 (37:05):
When I refuse or decline or am reluctant to help
you when you ask request assistance for me, particularly when
you're doing things that help me or help our household,
it makes you feel unappreciated, which I understand. And it
makes you feel like you need to shut down your
(37:25):
feelings and not be expressive to me, which I don't
want and I don't want you to start to suppress
your feelings.
Speaker 3 (37:36):
Can you stick to a repeat back. We don't want
your opinion in it. We want you to tell him
what you hear him saying.
Speaker 4 (37:43):
And that you would like me to be more considerate
of the fact that you are going out of your
way to assist and help me, and even in the
case of an argument or a disagreement, me continuing to be.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
What happened, what happened?
Speaker 6 (38:09):
I worded something I said, I said, and I continue
to when in a time and we're getting in an
argument instead of pushing aside my pushing aside the argument
and being empathetic.
Speaker 5 (38:26):
And continuing to be in my mouth a bitch.
Speaker 3 (38:30):
Okay, he was trying to feel in the word. You know,
that's how you played feeling the blank I was.
Speaker 4 (38:36):
Looking for and to be more empathetic, and he said
a bitch.
Speaker 3 (38:41):
Let him know you should have said it. Now, hold
on one thing. She's going to continue her repeat back.
But I felt like your event was very tame you.
We're gonna get you to the point where you're letting
that animal out. Like to me, you were acting like
a bitch. You were like, you have to be able
to express that out of your body. Vents are not tamed.
(39:02):
They're the animal. You're letting the animals speak. So now
if you're like mouthing bitch, you didn't say bitch.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
That's how I was trying to hold back because I
was like that I should have expressed it when I
had the chance to and not in.
Speaker 5 (39:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:16):
Right, See that's what happened. He didn't really do his
full event, So finish your repeat back. Yeah that I
could be more.
Speaker 4 (39:24):
You would like for me to be more empathetic even
during an argument in the case that even something doesn't
go the way that I would like it to go.
And for me to be more considerate of the fact
that you are going out of your way to assist
and to help me and to lessen my my workload
(39:45):
and my stress load, and to be more aware of
how I come off when you are asking me for
something that obviously you're requesting because you're in.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Need of Yeah, tell him, Tell her thank you for sharing.
Speaker 5 (40:02):
For sharing. I am now down no, no hold.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
On tail her, Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 5 (40:08):
Thank you for sharing you.
Speaker 3 (40:09):
Ask him? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 4 (40:12):
Support you at all?
Speaker 5 (40:13):
Yes, I'm now down to a one.
Speaker 4 (40:16):
Okay, how can I bring you down to zero?
Speaker 5 (40:18):
I can go for a top kiss?
Speaker 4 (40:20):
What a top kiss?
Speaker 5 (40:23):
Kiss?
Speaker 3 (40:23):
What's that top kiss? All right? All right? Does that
support ask him? Does that support you at all?
Speaker 4 (40:32):
Support you at all?
Speaker 5 (40:33):
Yes, I'm down to a point one.
Speaker 3 (40:37):
Ask him how else can I support you?
Speaker 4 (40:39):
I support you?
Speaker 5 (40:40):
A closing hug would be great.
Speaker 3 (40:45):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 4 (40:48):
So wow.
Speaker 3 (40:50):
I just love that. I love that we recognize that
we got to get your animal up next week because
you you are during the week when y'all venting. Your
assignment is to vent every single day. You're gonna hold
space for him. You're gonna hold space for him. There's
no interrupting a venting person. You all already know that.
And then you know the soothings you're getting them. You
(41:11):
all know them by heart. That's good smart, So you
soothe your partner down to a zero at least once
a day. There are to be absolutely no arguments in
your relationship. If somebody is outside of container complaining why
where are you at? Tell him excuse me? Do you
have a vent? Do you need to set container? There's
(41:32):
we have to interrupt the pattern this week.
Speaker 5 (41:35):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (41:36):
If you find her out of container talking to you,
out of her talking crazy, tell her to get into container.
If she can't, you have to set the boundary of
excusing yourself. You're not going to listen to her vent
Without container, You're not gonna listen to him vent without container.
We're done like this
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