November 19, 2025 • 28 mins
Listen as Milah & Orlando discuss their experience with pre-marital coaching.
Social: @Milah_Mapp @Wh_orlandoroye @Hoochiemomanddad @Progressive_love_academy
Patreon: Patreon.com/LoveLikeThis
Social: @Milah_Mapp @Wh_orlandoroye @Hoochiemomanddad @Progressive_love_academy
Patreon: Patreon.com/LoveLikeThis
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Like this.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
All right, guys, I'm so excited to have you back
on our show. This is the Divorce Proof Club, the
after party. Okay, yeah, So you know what, one thing
that I really want to say is, I know y'all
been in Costa Rica, and I know that you guys
have been having a ball without me now, but you've
(00:29):
dealt with couples in Costa Rica. So we gonna talk
about that tonight. My name is Kenya K. Stevens. I
run the Progressive Love Academy, and I know that I'm
the best love coach on the planet. I run Divorce
Proof Club. I stopped divorces and this is one of
our couples, Orlando and Jamifa. They're gonna be here with
us tonight. Get y'all a sip of wine, Get y'all
(00:53):
some tea, whatever you want to do. If you don't drink,
get some tea, because we're going to show you how
to move from vent to process to ownership in the
up level system. I teach couples how to communicate and
this is one of the steps on that journey. Thank
(01:14):
you so much for being here. We're gonna go ahead
and get started. I love it. I think I missed
my calling as a radio DJ.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Y'all you mind it. It sounds real like late night
radio radio.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
I just love it. It's like so nineteen eighties radio,
remember that, Like they would do those slow jams at.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Night, the dedications. Hi, this is me Land. I want
to dedicate the next time to my man Orlanda. He'll
be home from prison next year.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
So boring now because nowhere can you hear somebody talking
with the music bringing it in and out, you know, ninety.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Four point seven the way.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Oh, I'll try to listen to that. Y'all in Cali
though I'm in anyways, welcome. I know you're still in
beautiful Costa Rica. How is it out there?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
It's been amazing. It's a nervous system, ma reseat. We're
just you know, collecting ourselves before we have to come
back to the crazy ass United States. But it's been
really beautiful to be in container and to be chilling
with other levers and just outside of the noise.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
You look so mellow. You really do.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I mean I never seen Orlando just let his hair
out and got his dashiki. Good now you got your
dashiki wrap and all? Did you find those things? In
Costa Rica.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Uh No, I had this, I had this stuff.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
No, this was gifted to me from a friend that
was in Costa Rica, So I feel.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Like it was already he got his move move on,
everybody got the move move on, chap.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
I love it. I love it. Well tonight you're in
Costa Rica. You're going to learn to take ownership. This
is so island vibe. This is when y'all are high vibe.
You're no longer venting, You've already pross and now it's
time to come back to your partner and take some ownership.
(03:05):
This is gonna totally replace apologies. Do y'all use apologies
in your relationship right now?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Okay, no problem, no problem. I'm gonna show you something
that feels better than an apology. Okay, And so that's
up level ownership. I'm gonna share my screen. You guys
were in Costa Rica last week doing your workshop, so
you weren't there. I get to show you how to
do up level ownership tonight here at the after party.
(03:35):
So I love flyers, and I love logos, and I
love everything neat and pretty. So here we are with
a neat and pretty up level ownership this is step
three of the up level system. So I'm gonna for everybody.
I know you guys already know this, but for everybody
watching tonight. Hi, everybody who's watching. I'm gonna come over
(03:57):
and look at the comments in just a second. But
let me show y'all something. When I say that they
have been moving in this course, they have been moving.
When I say they're moving up a ladder a stairway
to heaven. Communication can be a stairway to heaven, Jamila.
(04:20):
I don't think anybody believes that because they think of
communication as like, no, it's gonna be terrible, it's not
a stairway to heaven. But can y'all just give a
testimony on that.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think we just generally in life and our societies
have been so conditioned to avoid conflict and to think
that conflict is immediately leading to probably just permanent, permanent
separation or termination from the relationship. So just in general, people,
(04:52):
including myself, this has been difficult for me, and I
think just in my relationship, but overall in general, just
avoiding conflict thinking that that is actually protecting the relationship
when and in fact it's doing the complete opposite.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Thank you. What has been difficult for you? Before you
speak on that, Orlando.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I just think what difficult is? I think that I've
just lived in the under the guys that like, if
I say this thing, it's going to cause such a
big conflict that I'm a curse of bitch out and
then it's going to be a whole thing. I'm not
actually going to say the wrong thing, and then I'm
going to be I'm not the cutter off. This person's dumb,
they don't get it, and because of that, I'm just
(05:36):
going to I'm going to just avoid having the conversation
or have it very minimally, and if they don't agree
with me, or if it doesn't go the way that
I want, then I'm going to remove the person from
my close friench circle.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Right blocked blocked. I'd like to say you blocked. So
that's not a path to unity, Orlando, what were you
going to say, baby?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
And say that actually speaking is how you keep the peace.
Usually when people when negotiate or be peaceful, they come
together and they talk, they talk it out or communicate
in some type of ways. So I've had to see
like speaking as a way of like how you keep
the piece because I've realized that not speaking, I've run
(06:22):
into more issues or the issue got even worse. So
for me, I just like realized that if I'm not
speaking to you, that's when I want conflict. That's what
I want. I don't want to talk anymore. I want
to I want to, like I want to be aggressive now.
But as long as I am talking to you, that's
my way of showing you that I love you enough,
or I have a kind of relationship with you that
(06:44):
I want to keep conflict out. So I'm going to
keep talking to you because I want to. I wanted
to stay in a peaceful and have a peaceful, negotiative
type of relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Thank you so much. But see, you can easily say that, Orlando,
because you have up level and you're your lady's going
to be in container. A lot of men say I
don't want to talk because she's gonna overtalk me. She's
gonna fucking start yelling. Then I'm gonna feel like I
need to buck up, you know. So they have legitimate reasons,
but they don't have up level like you know, so
(07:13):
they don't have a way to contain their partner. Do
you agree with that? Do men get scared about talking
to women? Because of that?
Speaker 3 (07:20):
That was literally my life before up Level, not just
having the time of like peace and quiet where I
could just like get things off, and then having somebody
be like, Okay, how can I like make you feel
better after that? Like those are the two main things.
Was like not being heard and somebody not caring enough
to like actually understand it and be empathetic.
Speaker 4 (07:41):
To what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yes, for those of you who don't know, you can
check my Instagram at Progressive Love Academy. I talk about
these containers. I talk about these things in my videos,
and sometimes Orlando and Jamila, I feel like people think
I'm speaking Chinese because they're like, what does that mean?
What do you mean a container? But he's telling you
that using containers has made it such that he's willing
(08:02):
to talk to his warman. So please get over there.
Check out the videos. Get the Up Level Communication Book.
But yeah, it works, right guys, Yes, have y'all used
it on the trip yet? Okay, what was the situation?
Speaker 4 (08:24):
No? No, no, no, no, no, you said it.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It's gonna give us a brief like just two seconds
of it.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Okay, it's kind of silly. I was talking about having
a birthday foursome with some friends, and then I proposed
the idea to the friends, and then later I was
having second thoughts because I really overthink things. And then
I told her Lando, I shouldn't have said that, and
(08:53):
he said, he said, and then he wasn't really listening
to me. And then I said, I need you to
soothe me. And then he said, how do you need
to be soothed? And I said, I need to be
reassured that if this happens, nothing's going to change within
the dynamics of the friendship. I don't have anything to
worry about. And he told me the things, and then
(09:16):
I asked for a hug. And then today he made
fun of me for needing to be soothed through that,
which I didn't really love. But you know, here we are.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Now.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
You could have vented about him making fun of you.
Did she set up a container when she first vented
about it?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:37):
Yeah, well actually all right, so it started off as
like her venting, but then I saw like how it was.
We were in a piece of space, just like laying
down a bend chilling, so it was relaxedble I wasn't
doing anything. So when she started, I saw us like
going into like the container mode, and so like I
kind of like snapped into it and gave her my
focus because I felt it like it was there, like
(09:58):
we were a container already.
Speaker 4 (10:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
But so yeah, especially yes.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
So you're starting to take off the training wheels because
you will not always need to set up a container
when you're a partner vent you know, they even you
were just saying thank.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
You for Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
That's the other thing I can. I can realize when
she's getting into a mode of venting and then looking
at her and going, Okay, I see where you're going
with this. Just let me know what level you're at
before you go even further or just like things like that.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
But I can. I can.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Oh, y'all making it printed. Now you just get those
training wheels right on off, and now you know how
to top these are training wheels. You don't always use
those robotic phrases because you know, you know how to
you know how to deal I love it or lay.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
It out thank you.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
So anyways, I was gonna show everybody who is watching
just how it looks to walk up the stairway and
I'm gonna show you, guys where we're going tonight. So,
as I told you, we always start with venting. That's
what they're talking about here, y'all. They're saying that they've
been venting. Now they also know how to process their emotions.
(11:08):
Now tonight, I'm going to show them how to take
ownership for their original vents. Okay. And then the last step,
of course, is gratitude. All right, So let's get into
this tonight. We're moving to step three, guys up level ownership.
So the first part of ownership is that you should
know that ownership is about taking full responsibility for the
(11:32):
creation of your damn life. Okay, your life. You're gonna
take full ownership for what you vented about, and we'll
do it tonight with what you've vented about, all right.
So ownership happens after you process. You know the route.
You know whether it's pattern, proclivity, or potential. Now you're
(11:54):
gonna come back to your partner and set a container
for ownership. Did y'all know is not the only container? No,
this is five more containers. Five So you know how
some people talk and say this doesn't feel like a vent,
it's not really a vent. Okay, what is it? Is
(12:15):
it an authentic share? Is it ownership? Is it compassion?
Is it a perspective container? I just want to share
my perspective on something that's a container. So tonight we're
gonna learn the ownership container. So all you're going to
do is think about what you vented to him about
and pull out one trigger. Well, do that in your
(12:36):
mind right now, Jamila. One trigger that you vented to
him about.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Oh, one of my triggers that I vented to him
about from what I just said.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yep, pull a trigger from the vent you did there
in Costa Rica.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Okay, okay, all right, what is the trigger? I have
a trigger with feeling like things are imbalanced or unfair?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
All right, she feels like things are imbalanced or unfair.
Is that a pattern, a proclivity, or a potential when
you process it.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
A pattern?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Where did it come from?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I just think maybe being a woman.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah, how about that? How about that shit from a vagina?
Having a vagina makes the world unfair in the West,
in the patriarchy. Yeah, because boys can boys can be
fucking from the time they're young. They can be doing
this to it. But if you're a girl, you a freak.
You it is you a hole, You're not nobody's gonna
stay with yes, all right. So that's the pattern. So
(13:50):
now that you know where it came from, and you
know that it's within you, that feeling of things being
unfair is within you, you learned it.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
You believe it, right, you believe in it?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Do I believe that things are unfair because I have
a vagina? Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So then what you believe you bring into what reality?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
So now you know you created the whole situation right right?
All right? So now you're gonna come back to him
to take ownership. All you're gonna do is ask him
if you can set a container for ownership?
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
So you'll let him know I'm ready to take some
ownership about that vent I did about our threesome.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I'm ready to take.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Ownership about that, all.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Right, And so you'll let him know that now you
realize how you created that situation.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
I realized that I created that situation by I'm always
considering the worst case scenario based in yes, some reality
and possibility's sake, but also to probably fear and paranoia.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yep. And my belief. That's a fear and a paranoia
that you hold on to. You think what you believe
about women and being unfair is real. You think it's real.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Let him know that I do think it's it is real.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Well, it's your belief. You can't really say it's real
because I'm a woman in the USA and I don't
give a fuck, So it is not. If it's real,
that means everybody in the whole planet experience it.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Okay, But if you don't give a fuck, you're not
experiencing it.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
No, I have, I remember it, but I've released the
fear of judgment. I've released the fear of what anybody
think about what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
You are yet to do that, right.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's not so much about me releasing the fear about
what anybody thinks about what I'm doing. I don't give
a fuck about what anybody thinks about I'm doing. I
think I'm releasing the fear of If I do this,
will will it? Will it create some type? Will it?
(16:27):
Will it create some type of imbalance and unfairness and
the dynamic of our relationship? If I give you permission
to smash my friend, potentially as a result of me
allowing you this freedom and to step over this platonic
boundary to sex to sexual interaction. Is there a possibility
(16:52):
that in the future it will create imbalance and you
know you'll take advantage of this situation and of this
uh freedom.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Okay, So that is a fear of him taking advantage
of the freedom. Will he go too far? That's the trigger?
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah, or anyone in this situation, per se, am I
allowing to my treatom to give someone the opportunity to
overstep a boundary of trust because I've given I've let
them get very close to the meeting.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Okay, So that's a whole different trigger. Okay, trigger is
not unfair, it's safety. Safety. So you felt like you
may not be safe if you shared your partner with
another woman? Yes, okay, so that is pattern, proclivity or potential.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Pattern.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
All right, when's the first time you experienced that exact
same feeling of not feeling safe sharing your things your.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I think just I think distrust for men overstepping boundaries
probably comes from my father and my parents' relationship and
hearing about cheating and disloyal and lying for many, many
many years growing up.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Good now you're ready to take ownership, go to him
and say, hey, can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Hi? Can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
You can things.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Let him know. I want to one hundred percent own
that what I vented to you about with the foursome,
that was all about my patterns and my fear and
watching my father and and and and believing that this
is what men do. That things get messed up with
sharing men and with men doing whatever they want to do.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I want to share that my vent was mostly I
want to take ownership for my event, that my fears
were based in my experience seeing my father be dishonest
and uh cheating, and that fear has nothing to do
(19:09):
with you personally, but it's been a very real, a
realistic result of I don't know, sharing or giving someone
too much space or freedom, and that is where it
stems from.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Awesome. Now, share your plan of action, what you're going
to do to disarm that fear? Me, yes, it's your fear.
Do something.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Your case, Okay, tell me what?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Tell us what you're going to do to disarm your
fear and release that pattern.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Acknowledge and own that I have no control over anyone
else outside of myself and I can't tap. What about
some ef T or some eft, some meditation, some lacing,
to be clear about the roots and how it's how
(20:17):
it's just presenting itself in my current life, even things
from childhood.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Yes, ma'am, all right now, tell her thank you for sharing.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Thank you for sharing your ownership.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
And ask what type of feedback would she like?
Speaker 4 (20:32):
What type of feedback would you like?
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Feedback is different from support, So for feedback, you can
ask for open ended questions for him to ask you
or for you to ask him. You can ask him
to give his authentic share. You can ask him to
take some ownership on something. You can ask him to
give you some compassion. What do you want?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
What's your authent Do you have an authentic share? Based
on what I said my event.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Yeah, I can give you an authentic share from my
point of view about this man, I can understand where
your fear stems from. I've also grew up in a
space where I was around a cheating parent, where my
dad was also cheating. So it makes it hard for
me to also freely, like just be open to certain
(21:24):
things because I have like some reservations about you know,
is this person going to take certain advantages too far
and then be disloyal and to be dishonest to me
as well. So I like within my authentic share responding
to you, I can offer some empathy because I can
understand exactly what you're going through, and once again offers
(21:47):
you some reassurance to let you know that I, on
my end, I'm not one of the people that you
will have to worry about Post for Some, because I
know how I feel about you, and I know and
empathize and feel exactly the things that you've been through
with your pattern and your pattern triggers. So I don't
(22:09):
want you to then trust me less and or experience
anything that you've witnessed before in your childhood. So I
don't want you to experience that. So I don't want
to give that off to you. So I know I
will be very honest and loyal to you Post for Some.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Thank you for sharing? All right?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Good? And we're not asking her what level she's at
because she's not venting. She just was taking some ownership,
So you can ask her, do you want any more feedback?
So are you good?
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Do you want any more feedback?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Or the other one It was authentic, share perspective, share
open ended questions, and ask him to take ownership on something.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
You can take ownership on something, Yeah, what would.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
You like me to take?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Well, it will be anything he wants because you can't
force him to take ownership on anything. Just say, is
there anything you'd like to take ownership of?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Like to take ownership of.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
I can take in this situation, I could take ownership of.
Speaker 4 (23:19):
I could take ownership.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Of actions that I've done in the past that might
have made you now second guests or question doing anything
in the future. I know I haven't cheated on you
or anything like that, but I I can see how
I could possibly have done things better in the past
(23:41):
that cannot have fractured or fractured thinly, like your trust
for me, so that you wouldn't even be thinking about
these things currently awesome.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
With ownership, you say what you're going to do about
how you're going to remedy your feeling that you haven't
held up or that you've splintered her trust. Because we
know that's not true. But how are you going to
remedy that feeling that she may not trust you or
you've been you've done something. You got to remedy that feeling.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
You're not going to finances.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
No, I could, I could remember the patternplacivity or thing remedies.
I was trying to think of the remedies.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
Yeah, because this.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Must be a pattern where you feel like, oh, am
I doing something wrong? That sounds like childhood, always being
on alert, somebody watching over you, you wanting to be perfect.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I'm I'm gonna cord cut away from like these things
that have happened in the past and be present in
where we are now and the trust and love that
we have for each other right now, and not move
on like past fears.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing. What type of feedback can
I offer?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Thank you for sharing? What kind of feedback can I
offer you?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Authentic share, perspective, share, open ended questions or ownership.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
I don't think if there's any feedback to go off
for me right now, but thank you for letting me
express myself as well on the topic at hand. Yes,
is there any more feedback that I can help you
or I can offer you right now?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:34):
You are have done such a beautiful job. Now last
step up level gratitude. You're gonna thank him for triggering you,
because now you get to dig out that ill belief
you didn't even know it was there. You really believe
men are this way. You're about to get rid of that.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Thank you for triggering this response so that I can
have this keep innerstanding and perspective of my triggers and
the roots of those triggers.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
And I helped you clean out that.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
I'm so grateful. Thanks for making fun of.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
Me this morning so you can know that we are
not all bad. This is right.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
So why don't you practice an up level gratitude as well?
So the final step, this is a higher self speaking.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yeah, thank you for triggering me. Thank you for making
me realize that I don't need to move within fear,
for realizing that our relationship is much different than my parents,
and the things that make us successful are much different,
and things that make us have our hindrances are much different,
(26:52):
and that we can pay attention to and build and
up level and create something that is way more beautiful
than we both experience from our parents. So thank you
for triggering me and making me better and cleaning out
that gunk that's in me. Because witnessing a fearful relationship.
Growing up doesn't mean my relationship has.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
To be fearful.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
How does it feel, y'all, y'all at the end of
the y'all to break round a pot of gold.
Speaker 4 (27:22):
Yeah, it feels good.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
It feels good.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah, that's up level gratitude. So that's the when you
go through the whole spectrum of events, that's where you
end up.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
Yeah, it's good to see even how it's real life applicable,
like going through the practice, practice, practice, and then when
it comes up. I can feel the difference between how
I felt in my chest when we have arguments before
and how I felt in my chest when things will
come up right now, and just knowing how to navigate
through them.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Oh, Orlando, thank you so much for saying that. Thank
you all so much for showing the world this system
a little bit. I really appreciate you be in here. Now,
do your lacing. You got your lacing, put it on
your phone, you have it forever. Come on, we're going
to keep the generations flowing with this. Get the children,
let's get the girls, let's get the you know, understand
(28:12):
your daughter. Yeah, So I appreciate y'all being here. I
have nothing else. If you have no more questions or
anything you want to share, we'll see you guys next week.
Next week, all right, child, Bye you chy bye
Speaker 4 (28:35):
Like this,
Like this.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
All right, guys, I'm so excited to have you back
on our show. This is the Divorce Proof Club, the
after party. Okay, yeah, So you know what, one thing
that I really want to say is, I know y'all
been in Costa Rica, and I know that you guys
have been having a ball without me now, but you've
(00:29):
dealt with couples in Costa Rica. So we gonna talk
about that tonight. My name is Kenya K. Stevens. I
run the Progressive Love Academy, and I know that I'm
the best love coach on the planet. I run Divorce
Proof Club. I stopped divorces and this is one of
our couples, Orlando and Jamifa. They're gonna be here with
us tonight. Get y'all a sip of wine, Get y'all
(00:53):
some tea, whatever you want to do. If you don't drink,
get some tea, because we're going to show you how
to move from vent to process to ownership in the
up level system. I teach couples how to communicate and
this is one of the steps on that journey. Thank
(01:14):
you so much for being here. We're gonna go ahead
and get started. I love it. I think I missed
my calling as a radio DJ.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Y'all you mind it. It sounds real like late night
radio radio.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
I just love it. It's like so nineteen eighties radio,
remember that, Like they would do those slow jams at.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Night, the dedications. Hi, this is me Land. I want
to dedicate the next time to my man Orlanda. He'll
be home from prison next year.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
So boring now because nowhere can you hear somebody talking
with the music bringing it in and out, you know, ninety.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Four point seven the way.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Oh, I'll try to listen to that. Y'all in Cali
though I'm in anyways, welcome. I know you're still in
beautiful Costa Rica. How is it out there?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
It's been amazing. It's a nervous system, ma reseat. We're
just you know, collecting ourselves before we have to come
back to the crazy ass United States. But it's been
really beautiful to be in container and to be chilling
with other levers and just outside of the noise.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
You look so mellow. You really do.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I mean I never seen Orlando just let his hair
out and got his dashiki. Good now you got your
dashiki wrap and all? Did you find those things? In
Costa Rica.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
Uh No, I had this, I had this stuff.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
No, this was gifted to me from a friend that
was in Costa Rica, So I feel.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Like it was already he got his move move on,
everybody got the move move on, chap.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
I love it. I love it. Well tonight you're in
Costa Rica. You're going to learn to take ownership. This
is so island vibe. This is when y'all are high vibe.
You're no longer venting, You've already pross and now it's
time to come back to your partner and take some ownership.
(03:05):
This is gonna totally replace apologies. Do y'all use apologies
in your relationship right now?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Okay, no problem, no problem. I'm gonna show you something
that feels better than an apology. Okay, And so that's
up level ownership. I'm gonna share my screen. You guys
were in Costa Rica last week doing your workshop, so
you weren't there. I get to show you how to
do up level ownership tonight here at the after party.
(03:35):
So I love flyers, and I love logos, and I
love everything neat and pretty. So here we are with
a neat and pretty up level ownership this is step
three of the up level system. So I'm gonna for everybody.
I know you guys already know this, but for everybody
watching tonight. Hi, everybody who's watching. I'm gonna come over
(03:57):
and look at the comments in just a second. But
let me show y'all something. When I say that they
have been moving in this course, they have been moving.
When I say they're moving up a ladder a stairway
to heaven. Communication can be a stairway to heaven, Jamila.
(04:20):
I don't think anybody believes that because they think of
communication as like, no, it's gonna be terrible, it's not
a stairway to heaven. But can y'all just give a
testimony on that.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
I think we just generally in life and our societies
have been so conditioned to avoid conflict and to think
that conflict is immediately leading to probably just permanent, permanent
separation or termination from the relationship. So just in general, people,
(04:52):
including myself, this has been difficult for me, and I
think just in my relationship, but overall in general, just
avoiding conflict thinking that that is actually protecting the relationship
when and in fact it's doing the complete opposite.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Thank you. What has been difficult for you? Before you
speak on that, Orlando.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I just think what difficult is? I think that I've
just lived in the under the guys that like, if
I say this thing, it's going to cause such a
big conflict that I'm a curse of bitch out and
then it's going to be a whole thing. I'm not
actually going to say the wrong thing, and then I'm
going to be I'm not the cutter off. This person's dumb,
they don't get it, and because of that, I'm just
(05:36):
going to I'm going to just avoid having the conversation
or have it very minimally, and if they don't agree
with me, or if it doesn't go the way that
I want, then I'm going to remove the person from
my close friench circle.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Right blocked blocked. I'd like to say you blocked. So
that's not a path to unity, Orlando, what were you
going to say, baby?
Speaker 3 (06:00):
And say that actually speaking is how you keep the peace.
Usually when people when negotiate or be peaceful, they come
together and they talk, they talk it out or communicate
in some type of ways. So I've had to see
like speaking as a way of like how you keep
the piece because I've realized that not speaking, I've run
(06:22):
into more issues or the issue got even worse. So
for me, I just like realized that if I'm not
speaking to you, that's when I want conflict. That's what
I want. I don't want to talk anymore. I want
to I want to, like I want to be aggressive now.
But as long as I am talking to you, that's
my way of showing you that I love you enough,
or I have a kind of relationship with you that
(06:44):
I want to keep conflict out. So I'm going to
keep talking to you because I want to. I wanted
to stay in a peaceful and have a peaceful, negotiative
type of relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Thank you so much. But see, you can easily say that, Orlando,
because you have up level and you're your lady's going
to be in container. A lot of men say I
don't want to talk because she's gonna overtalk me. She's
gonna fucking start yelling. Then I'm gonna feel like I
need to buck up, you know. So they have legitimate reasons,
but they don't have up level like you know, so
(07:13):
they don't have a way to contain their partner. Do
you agree with that? Do men get scared about talking
to women? Because of that?
Speaker 3 (07:20):
That was literally my life before up Level, not just
having the time of like peace and quiet where I
could just like get things off, and then having somebody
be like, Okay, how can I like make you feel
better after that? Like those are the two main things.
Was like not being heard and somebody not caring enough
to like actually understand it and be empathetic.
Speaker 4 (07:41):
To what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yes, for those of you who don't know, you can
check my Instagram at Progressive Love Academy. I talk about
these containers. I talk about these things in my videos,
and sometimes Orlando and Jamila, I feel like people think
I'm speaking Chinese because they're like, what does that mean?
What do you mean a container? But he's telling you
that using containers has made it such that he's willing
(08:02):
to talk to his warman. So please get over there.
Check out the videos. Get the Up Level Communication Book.
But yeah, it works, right guys, Yes, have y'all used
it on the trip yet? Okay, what was the situation?
Speaker 4 (08:24):
No? No, no, no, no, no, you said it.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It's gonna give us a brief like just two seconds
of it.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
Okay, it's kind of silly. I was talking about having
a birthday foursome with some friends, and then I proposed
the idea to the friends, and then later I was
having second thoughts because I really overthink things. And then
I told her Lando, I shouldn't have said that, and
(08:53):
he said, he said, and then he wasn't really listening
to me. And then I said, I need you to
soothe me. And then he said, how do you need
to be soothed? And I said, I need to be
reassured that if this happens, nothing's going to change within
the dynamics of the friendship. I don't have anything to
worry about. And he told me the things, and then
(09:16):
I asked for a hug. And then today he made
fun of me for needing to be soothed through that,
which I didn't really love. But you know, here we are.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
That's good.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Now.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
You could have vented about him making fun of you.
Did she set up a container when she first vented
about it?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (09:37):
Yeah, well actually all right, so it started off as
like her venting, but then I saw like how it was.
We were in a piece of space, just like laying
down a bend chilling, so it was relaxedble I wasn't
doing anything. So when she started, I saw us like
going into like the container mode, and so like I
kind of like snapped into it and gave her my
focus because I felt it like it was there, like
(09:58):
we were a container already.
Speaker 4 (10:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
But so yeah, especially yes.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
So you're starting to take off the training wheels because
you will not always need to set up a container
when you're a partner vent you know, they even you
were just saying thank.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
You for Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:12):
That's the other thing I can. I can realize when
she's getting into a mode of venting and then looking
at her and going, Okay, I see where you're going
with this. Just let me know what level you're at
before you go even further or just like things like that.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
But I can. I can.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Oh, y'all making it printed. Now you just get those
training wheels right on off, and now you know how
to top these are training wheels. You don't always use
those robotic phrases because you know, you know how to
you know how to deal I love it or lay.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
It out thank you.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
So anyways, I was gonna show everybody who is watching
just how it looks to walk up the stairway and
I'm gonna show you, guys where we're going tonight. So,
as I told you, we always start with venting. That's
what they're talking about here, y'all. They're saying that they've
been venting. Now they also know how to process their emotions.
(11:08):
Now tonight, I'm going to show them how to take
ownership for their original vents. Okay. And then the last step,
of course, is gratitude. All right, So let's get into
this tonight. We're moving to step three, guys up level ownership.
So the first part of ownership is that you should
know that ownership is about taking full responsibility for the
(11:32):
creation of your damn life. Okay, your life. You're gonna
take full ownership for what you vented about, and we'll
do it tonight with what you've vented about, all right.
So ownership happens after you process. You know the route.
You know whether it's pattern, proclivity, or potential. Now you're
(11:54):
gonna come back to your partner and set a container
for ownership. Did y'all know is not the only container? No,
this is five more containers. Five So you know how
some people talk and say this doesn't feel like a vent,
it's not really a vent. Okay, what is it? Is
(12:15):
it an authentic share? Is it ownership? Is it compassion?
Is it a perspective container? I just want to share
my perspective on something that's a container. So tonight we're
gonna learn the ownership container. So all you're going to
do is think about what you vented to him about
and pull out one trigger. Well, do that in your
(12:36):
mind right now, Jamila. One trigger that you vented to
him about.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Oh, one of my triggers that I vented to him
about from what I just said.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yep, pull a trigger from the vent you did there
in Costa Rica.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Okay, okay, all right, what is the trigger? I have
a trigger with feeling like things are imbalanced or unfair?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
All right, she feels like things are imbalanced or unfair.
Is that a pattern, a proclivity, or a potential when
you process it.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
A pattern?
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Where did it come from?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I just think maybe being a woman.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Yeah, how about that? How about that shit from a vagina?
Having a vagina makes the world unfair in the West,
in the patriarchy. Yeah, because boys can boys can be
fucking from the time they're young. They can be doing
this to it. But if you're a girl, you a freak.
You it is you a hole, You're not nobody's gonna
stay with yes, all right. So that's the pattern. So
(13:50):
now that you know where it came from, and you
know that it's within you, that feeling of things being
unfair is within you, you learned it.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
You believe it, right, you believe in it?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Do I believe that things are unfair because I have
a vagina? Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So then what you believe you bring into what reality?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
So now you know you created the whole situation right right?
All right? So now you're gonna come back to him
to take ownership. All you're gonna do is ask him
if you can set a container for ownership?
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 2 (14:34):
So you'll let him know I'm ready to take some
ownership about that vent I did about our threesome.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I'm ready to take.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Ownership about that, all.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
Right, And so you'll let him know that now you
realize how you created that situation.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
I realized that I created that situation by I'm always
considering the worst case scenario based in yes, some reality
and possibility's sake, but also to probably fear and paranoia.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yep. And my belief. That's a fear and a paranoia
that you hold on to. You think what you believe
about women and being unfair is real. You think it's real.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Let him know that I do think it's it is real.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Well, it's your belief. You can't really say it's real
because I'm a woman in the USA and I don't
give a fuck, So it is not. If it's real,
that means everybody in the whole planet experience it.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Okay, But if you don't give a fuck, you're not
experiencing it.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
No, I have, I remember it, but I've released the
fear of judgment. I've released the fear of what anybody
think about what I'm doing.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
You are yet to do that, right.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It's not so much about me releasing the fear about
what anybody thinks about what I'm doing. I don't give
a fuck about what anybody thinks about I'm doing. I
think I'm releasing the fear of If I do this,
will will it? Will it create some type? Will it?
(16:27):
Will it create some type of imbalance and unfairness and
the dynamic of our relationship? If I give you permission
to smash my friend, potentially as a result of me
allowing you this freedom and to step over this platonic
boundary to sex to sexual interaction. Is there a possibility
(16:52):
that in the future it will create imbalance and you
know you'll take advantage of this situation and of this
uh freedom.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Okay, So that is a fear of him taking advantage
of the freedom. Will he go too far? That's the trigger?
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah, or anyone in this situation, per se, am I
allowing to my treatom to give someone the opportunity to
overstep a boundary of trust because I've given I've let
them get very close to the meeting.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Okay, So that's a whole different trigger. Okay, trigger is
not unfair, it's safety. Safety. So you felt like you
may not be safe if you shared your partner with
another woman? Yes, okay, so that is pattern, proclivity or potential.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Pattern.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
All right, when's the first time you experienced that exact
same feeling of not feeling safe sharing your things your.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I think just I think distrust for men overstepping boundaries
probably comes from my father and my parents' relationship and
hearing about cheating and disloyal and lying for many, many
many years growing up.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Good now you're ready to take ownership, go to him
and say, hey, can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Hi? Can I set a container for ownership?
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
You can things.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Let him know. I want to one hundred percent own
that what I vented to you about with the foursome,
that was all about my patterns and my fear and
watching my father and and and and believing that this
is what men do. That things get messed up with
sharing men and with men doing whatever they want to do.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
I want to share that my vent was mostly I
want to take ownership for my event, that my fears
were based in my experience seeing my father be dishonest
and uh cheating, and that fear has nothing to do
(19:09):
with you personally, but it's been a very real, a
realistic result of I don't know, sharing or giving someone
too much space or freedom, and that is where it
stems from.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Awesome. Now, share your plan of action, what you're going
to do to disarm that fear? Me, yes, it's your fear.
Do something.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Your case, Okay, tell me what?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Tell us what you're going to do to disarm your
fear and release that pattern.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Acknowledge and own that I have no control over anyone
else outside of myself and I can't tap. What about
some ef T or some eft, some meditation, some lacing,
to be clear about the roots and how it's how
(20:17):
it's just presenting itself in my current life, even things
from childhood.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
Yes, ma'am, all right now, tell her thank you for sharing.
Speaker 4 (20:27):
Thank you for sharing your ownership.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
And ask what type of feedback would she like?
Speaker 4 (20:32):
What type of feedback would you like?
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Feedback is different from support, So for feedback, you can
ask for open ended questions for him to ask you
or for you to ask him. You can ask him
to give his authentic share. You can ask him to
take some ownership on something. You can ask him to
give you some compassion. What do you want?
Speaker 1 (20:54):
What's your authent Do you have an authentic share? Based
on what I said my event.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Yeah, I can give you an authentic share from my
point of view about this man, I can understand where
your fear stems from. I've also grew up in a
space where I was around a cheating parent, where my
dad was also cheating. So it makes it hard for
me to also freely, like just be open to certain
(21:24):
things because I have like some reservations about you know,
is this person going to take certain advantages too far
and then be disloyal and to be dishonest to me
as well. So I like within my authentic share responding
to you, I can offer some empathy because I can
understand exactly what you're going through, and once again offers
(21:47):
you some reassurance to let you know that I, on
my end, I'm not one of the people that you
will have to worry about Post for Some, because I
know how I feel about you, and I know and
empathize and feel exactly the things that you've been through
with your pattern and your pattern triggers. So I don't
(22:09):
want you to then trust me less and or experience
anything that you've witnessed before in your childhood. So I
don't want you to experience that. So I don't want
to give that off to you. So I know I
will be very honest and loyal to you Post for Some.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Thank you for sharing? All right?
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Good? And we're not asking her what level she's at
because she's not venting. She just was taking some ownership,
So you can ask her, do you want any more feedback?
So are you good?
Speaker 4 (22:38):
Do you want any more feedback?
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Or the other one It was authentic, share perspective, share
open ended questions, and ask him to take ownership on something.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
You can take ownership on something, Yeah, what would.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
You like me to take?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Well, it will be anything he wants because you can't
force him to take ownership on anything. Just say, is
there anything you'd like to take ownership of?
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Like to take ownership of.
Speaker 3 (23:09):
I can take in this situation, I could take ownership of.
Speaker 4 (23:19):
I could take ownership.
Speaker 3 (23:20):
Of actions that I've done in the past that might
have made you now second guests or question doing anything
in the future. I know I haven't cheated on you
or anything like that, but I I can see how
I could possibly have done things better in the past
(23:41):
that cannot have fractured or fractured thinly, like your trust
for me, so that you wouldn't even be thinking about
these things currently awesome.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
With ownership, you say what you're going to do about
how you're going to remedy your feeling that you haven't
held up or that you've splintered her trust. Because we
know that's not true. But how are you going to
remedy that feeling that she may not trust you or
you've been you've done something. You got to remedy that feeling.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
You're not going to finances.
Speaker 3 (24:20):
No, I could, I could remember the patternplacivity or thing remedies.
I was trying to think of the remedies.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
Yeah, because this.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Must be a pattern where you feel like, oh, am
I doing something wrong? That sounds like childhood, always being
on alert, somebody watching over you, you wanting to be perfect.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I'm I'm gonna cord cut away from like these things
that have happened in the past and be present in
where we are now and the trust and love that
we have for each other right now, and not move
on like past fears.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing. What type of feedback can
I offer?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Thank you for sharing? What kind of feedback can I
offer you?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Authentic share, perspective, share, open ended questions or ownership.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
I don't think if there's any feedback to go off
for me right now, but thank you for letting me
express myself as well on the topic at hand. Yes,
is there any more feedback that I can help you
or I can offer you right now?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:34):
You are have done such a beautiful job. Now last
step up level gratitude. You're gonna thank him for triggering you,
because now you get to dig out that ill belief
you didn't even know it was there. You really believe
men are this way. You're about to get rid of that.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Thank you for triggering this response so that I can
have this keep innerstanding and perspective of my triggers and
the roots of those triggers.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
And I helped you clean out that.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
I'm so grateful. Thanks for making fun of.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
Me this morning so you can know that we are
not all bad. This is right.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
So why don't you practice an up level gratitude as well?
So the final step, this is a higher self speaking.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yeah, thank you for triggering me. Thank you for making
me realize that I don't need to move within fear,
for realizing that our relationship is much different than my parents,
and the things that make us successful are much different,
and things that make us have our hindrances are much different,
(26:52):
and that we can pay attention to and build and
up level and create something that is way more beautiful
than we both experience from our parents. So thank you
for triggering me and making me better and cleaning out
that gunk that's in me. Because witnessing a fearful relationship.
Growing up doesn't mean my relationship has.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
To be fearful.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
How does it feel, y'all, y'all at the end of
the y'all to break round a pot of gold.
Speaker 4 (27:22):
Yeah, it feels good.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
It feels good.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Yeah, that's up level gratitude. So that's the when you
go through the whole spectrum of events, that's where you
end up.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
Yeah, it's good to see even how it's real life applicable,
like going through the practice, practice, practice, and then when
it comes up. I can feel the difference between how
I felt in my chest when we have arguments before
and how I felt in my chest when things will
come up right now, and just knowing how to navigate
through them.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Oh, Orlando, thank you so much for saying that. Thank
you all so much for showing the world this system
a little bit. I really appreciate you be in here. Now,
do your lacing. You got your lacing, put it on
your phone, you have it forever. Come on, we're going
to keep the generations flowing with this. Get the children,
let's get the girls, let's get the you know, understand
(28:12):
your daughter. Yeah, So I appreciate y'all being here. I
have nothing else. If you have no more questions or
anything you want to share, we'll see you guys next week.
Next week, all right, child, Bye you chy bye
Speaker 4 (28:35):
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.