July 7, 2023 • 23 mins
This week we’re revisiting one of our favorite episodes from Season One, in which Evelyn Sharma speaks to sex positivity influencer Leeza Mangaldas about sexual pleasure, women’s bodies, and how to talk about the stuff that is usually swept under the rug.
Show notes:
Evelyn Sharma's Instagram: @evelyn_sharma
Leeza Mangaldas’s Instagram: @leezamangaldas
Research & guest acquisition: Sana Rizvi
Producers: Jennifer Collins & Nicolas Martin
Sound Engineer: Thomas Schmidt
Project Manager: Sonja Kaun-Trenkler
Editorial Support: Shashank Bhargava, Anant Nath Sharma, Khyati Rajvanshi
Executive Producer: Melanie von Marschalck, DW Life & Style
Show notes:
Evelyn Sharma's Instagram: @evelyn_sharma
Leeza Mangaldas’s Instagram: @leezamangaldas
Research & guest acquisition: Sana Rizvi
Producers: Jennifer Collins & Nicolas Martin
Sound Engineer: Thomas Schmidt
Project Manager: Sonja Kaun-Trenkler
Editorial Support: Shashank Bhargava, Anant Nath Sharma, Khyati Rajvanshi
Executive Producer: Melanie von Marschalck, DW Life & Style
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everyone, Evelyn charmaher This week. The whole Love Matters team is hard
at work on exciting new topics withfabulous guests, and so while we're busy
doing that, we thought we'd revisitone of my favorite episodes from season one
of the podcast. Season one wasa slightly different format where we also featured
listeners sharing their experiences regarding relationship,sex, and body image struggles, and
(00:26):
we had a quiz in each episode, so you'll get to hear all that
in this upcoming conversation that I hadwith sex educator Lisa Mangaldus. I loved
this conversation. It was so interestingand validating speaking to Lisa about female pleasure,
save sex and consent and so muchmore. I hope you enjoy it
(00:46):
as much as I did. Heyguys, this is Evelyn Sharma and you're
listening to Love Matters, my newpodcast in collaboration with Indian Express and DW
(01:11):
Germany's international broadcaster. This podcast isall about relationship topics that matter to you
and me. In every episode,we'll hear from a listener with a challenge
in matters of love, and we'llhave amazing guests on who can talk to
the issue from their own experience.Today's topic is a rather touchy one.
(01:32):
Can we talk about sex openly?Please? I'm sure a lot of our
listeners have been frustrated with this topic, but here love matters and so that's
the act of love making. Ourguest today is Lisa Mangaldus, a sex
positivity content creator and educator. Lisais very popular on YouTube and Instagram,
(01:53):
and I'm sure you guys have checkedher out already. Her topics are everything
from safe sex to send to femalepleasure, and her aim as to normalize
openly talking about sex. Welcome tothis show, Lisa. We're so happy
to have you. Thank you somuch for having me, Evelyn. It's
so good to be talking to you. Before we start and get into our
(02:15):
conversation, we'll hear from a listenerwith a real life problem. This time
we hear from a young listener inBangalore who wants to be more open about
sex. I'll play some snippets froma conversation that we recorded before the show,
and in the first one, shetalks about a very awkward moment recently
with her mom. Let's have alisten, hey, Evelyn, I'm twenty
(02:37):
for your more female calling from Bangalore. I wanted to share an experience.
My mom found an emergency morning billin my bag and confronted me about it,
and in a haste, I justtold her that it was a prank
that someone played on me. Shenever really pushed for it. She never
asked me any more follow up questions, but I really really wish that she
had. I wish all parents talkopenly about sex with their kids. Listening
(03:04):
to her voice, note Lisa,what advice do you have for her?
And tell us about your life.Were you able to talk openly about sex
with your parents. I feel verylucky to have had extremely open and sort
of non judging parents. They werenever discouraging of any sort of question or
curiosity, so it always felt safeto ask if we had a question.
(03:27):
And I was a very nerdy kid. I loved reading when we were little.
We have these like Childcraft Encyclopedia series, kind of like a really good
textbook, at least for the timethey probably have. They probably seemed so
dated now, but this was inthe nineties, so I definitely think I
saw really beautiful illustrations of like varioustypes of processes in the natural world.
(03:49):
You know, even flowers technically reproducesexually, right, So that was also
something that we could talk about.My parents talked about contraception, talked about
scent and you know things like that. I feel really lucky to have had
a really supportive environment. Yeah,I think that is very lucky, especially
when it comes to Indian families.Usually we're a little bit more conservative and
(04:14):
shy to talk about the topic.And you know, maybe on your wedding
night we'll have a little chat.Just like our listener who's struggling to talk
openly with her mom, do youhave a bit of advice for her,
Do you have a tip off youknow from the other side, basically if
you don't have such open parents.I think that's a hard one. I
mean it's sometimes can even come withreally scary consequences for young people, especially
(04:39):
in our cultural context, where likeparents might punish you, you know,
if they find out that you're sexuallyactive or especially as a young woman.
It's really sad. But I dothink that sometimes easing into the conversation,
you know, maybe you're watching ashow together like Sex Education on Netflix or
Sex Explained, or something which allowsfor like a neutral third party to be
(05:00):
bringing up these topics and instead ofturning the TV off, you watch it
together and maybe talk about it after. Maybe that can use some of the
pressure instead of being like you know, talking about your sex life and having
your parents potentially punish you all.But I do hope that our generation and
younger generations and I mean anyone whohasn't yet had a child, can think
(05:21):
about how we don't want to perpetuatethis. You have decided to become a
sex positivity influencer, and I wantto know a little bit more about the
professional side of it. Where didit start where you said, Hey,
I want to know a lot moreabout this topic, and I actually want
to become an educator. When Iwas in college and I was fortunate to
(05:44):
get a scholarship to Columbia University inNew York City, and another thing I
did while I was there was Iwas an RA, which is like,
you know, you're in charge ofa residence hall, your residence, a
resident advisor, where you're looking afterthe kind of well being general well being
of the student on a floor ina hall. And so part of what
we had to do was like consenttraining workshops where we talk about consent and
(06:06):
like I had a bag of condomson my door, so students had easy
access to protection and things like that. And by myself was like eighteen or
nineteen years old, right, andI felt so lucky to be able to
come of age and have my firstsexual experiences in this environment that was really
sex positive and where people were havingthese conversations, where the college itself was
(06:29):
taking the initiative to you know,try, and I mean, so much
more can be done. I reallythink sex education globally is lacking. It's
not just an India problem. AndI even think within the US, I
mean, little pockets like New YorkCity or San Francisco or something are very
progressive about these things. But ifyou look at the abortion laws, and
I mean the state of affairs onmany sex related things, whether it's you
(06:49):
know, rights for the LGBTQ pluscommunity or abortion or laws against trance identity
and things like that, I mean, the US is for a developing country,
it's quite shocking where they are.But so I don't want to say,
oh, the West is better inIndia is not good. That's not
how it is. I think thisis a global problem, Like it's quite
a sex negative world. I waspretty shocked when I came to India and
(07:11):
I came actually from a very conservativechurch background, and I came to India
and everything was actually about sex.I felt like, you know, every
poster for a movie is oozing sexualenergy, every song is about some sort
of sexual act, but then noone really talks about it. Yeah,
(07:34):
you bring up a lot of interestingpoints, and I think it's like worth
thinking about the fact that female sexualityand women's sexuality is typically utilized in advertising,
marketing, and entertainment to sell everythingfrom movies to gods, I mean
alcohol, you name it. Likethe media is so ready to sexualize women,
but society doesn't like to allow womenany sexual agency. You know,
(07:58):
you're like a product to be consumedby the viewer, but you're not allowed
to actually talk about, celebrate,or do anything yourself. You know what
I mean. It's like packaged forthe mail, gaze buy men for mail
consumption. You know, we're allpart of this conditioning. But I wanted
to know what exactly do you meanwhen you say sex positivity or when you
(08:20):
say we live in a sex negativeworld. I mean, different people use
different words, So I just wantyour definition on it. Sex positivity for
me, is like a judgment freeattitude to sex. You know, sex
positive doesn't mean you have to gohave lots of sex. You can be
asexual and still be sex positive,and you can have had many partners and
still be sex negative. It isn'tabout necessarily having lots of sex, but
(08:43):
rather not judging other people's sexual choices, not seeing sex as this bad,
wrong, shameful thing, you know, instead seeing it as a potential source
of joy and wonder and like apositive thing. Basically, Lisa, you
bring up a lot of interesting pointswhen you say that, you know,
we are so conditioned by the informationthat we get, and we have Actually
(09:05):
a second part from the conversation withour listener, she has a couple of
problems with information as well. Let'slisten to her again. I had to
do all of my research, andthe Internet is just so huge in terms
of the information it has. Sohow does one filter the information? What
(09:28):
sources are good, what sources arebad? How does one know? That
is such a good question, andI think a lot of our listeners are
really interested in the answer. Lisa, do you have any advice for our
listeners? Do you have any tipsfor good resources. I think it's so
important to be discerning as a somebodylooking for an answer on the Internet.
(09:50):
It's so important to try and seekout sources that are credible and that are
scientifically accurate in judgment free when you'relooking for, you know, information about
your sexual health or something like that. But I also think it really is
worth if you have a concern that'sactually, you know, manifested already,
if you have an actual medical thinghappening to you, instead of trying to
(10:13):
self cure it. I think ifyou have access to a good doctor.
I mean, I think one ofthe most valuable relationships in my own life
is with my gynecologist. And ittook a long time to find one that
I could trust and one that Ifelt comfortable with and one who I felt
was really non judging. And I'msad that it can be a bit of
a process to find that, butI think it's well worth the effort,
(10:35):
because when you are trying to figureout, you know, something like what
contraception is best for you, ifyou want to move beyond condoms to something
else, or if you just havea vaginal infection or I don't know,
whatever, other concern. Ye,to be able to go to a doctor
and get expert advice, I thinkis something that I wish everybody had the
privilege of doing. You know,sometimes a WebMD or some sort of internet
(10:58):
based self diagnosis isn't always accurate,and so I would I understand in some
cases people just don't have access toa doctor or gynecologist, and so they
have no choice. But if youdo have the choice, and if you
do have the luxury of accessing agood doctor, I think it's also really
a relationship worth cultivating. Yeah,what kind of problems do you feel can
(11:20):
the lack of right information lead to? You know, I mean, let's
take, for example, the veryprevalent misunderstandings around virginity and the hymen,
and the complete misunderstanding of the anatomyof the hymen has been used to like
perpetuate so much violence in this regard. Like you know, in several cultures,
(11:43):
if the woman doesn't bleed on herwedding night, she can be killed
or abandoned or all kinds of awfulways of ostracizing her right you know,
end up taking place. When actually, first, firstly, it shouldn't even
matter whether somebody has had sex ornot. I mean, right, that
is the premise of this is alreadyflawed. But there's also a complete misunderstanding
(12:05):
of the anatomy of the hym andit is not necessary for all people who
have not had penetrative intercourse before toblied the first time they do. That
The hymen is a stretchy tissue.It's not a wall that just you know,
seals your vaginal opening. I mean, otherwise even period blood wouldn't be
able to come through, right,I think, yeah, a lot of
women are scared of this pain alsothat they associate waste having sex. But
(12:28):
you have a wonderful YouTube channel andof course your Instagram that I follow now
too, and you put up alot of content to educate, and you
get a lot of questions. I'msure too, what are the most common
concerns that people have? I mean, you mentioned pain during sex. I
think a lot of people do havethat question, questions around first sexual experiences
and whether they will hurt. Ithink again, there's like this misinformation around
(12:54):
how sex just is painful for women, you know, and so often it's
actually a lack of sufficient for playand lack of sufficient lubrication that leads to
pain doing sex rather than something that'sinherently just the way things are for women,
Do you know what I mean?Yeah, I feel like women's pleasure
is insufficiently prioritized and they've kind ofmade to feel like pain is just path
(13:15):
for the cost. But that's acompletely misconstrued kind of take on things.
You know, sex can be verypleasurable for people, regardless of what sort
of body or gender or whatever theyhave, you know, and I also
think there's a lot of questions aroundour sex can be more pleasurable. People
are so curious about orgasms. Howdo I orgasm? So many people women
(13:37):
particularly say they've never had an orgasmand wonder why that is. You know,
we don't talk enough about the clitterest. A lot of people also want
to know more about masturbation and whetherit's okay to masturbate. You know,
there's a lot of shame, Ithink still, but people are recognizing that
this thing that feels good and makesthem less stressed out and sleep better and
(13:58):
get also helps to get to knowyour own body. But surely it can't
be a bad thing. So there'sa lot of curiosity around that, right
So on your YouTube channel. You. Oh, that is the sound for
our quiz. Every episode, ourproducers prepare a little quiz for us,
(14:18):
for me and the guests to guessaway and test our knowledge on the topic.
This is the sound when we guessright, and this is the sound
when we guess wrong. So,since it's a surprise quiz, our producer
is going to send me the questionon my phone and we'll have to guess.
(14:39):
Today's quiz is a true or falsequiz about sex Smith with three questions.
First question true or false? Lisa, we have to get this together.
Pulling out before ejaculation is safe falsefalse. I think so too.
(15:00):
Let's hear it. Yeay, whyis it false? You know, the
withdrawal method is something that a lotof people rely on the absence of condoms,
So I mean, we've got tolike address it. You know.
Also, it's hard to control whenexactly you're ejaculate. So while someone can
try and convince you if there willpower, there's still a lot of trust
(15:20):
involved in terms of you hoping theywon't actually ejaculate, and they're hoping they
won't actually ejaculate, And so whywould you take this big risk when there
is much much more reliable. Imean, you know a contraceptive methods available,
whether it's condoms or bills or iuds or whatever it is, that
might be right for you if you'veboth been tested for STDs, etc.
For me, it's just not worththe risk. Why it's not a reliable
(15:43):
method. That's right here, Ihave the answer here for us, it's
false. Pulling out isn't a veryreliable way to prevent pregnancy. A barrier
method like a condom is better.Plus it doesn't prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
Here's our next question. True orfalse? The clitter is is a little
(16:03):
nub on the outside of the valvafalls in the sense that it's not only
the little nub, it also extendsinternally on the bulk of the clitteral body
is actually beneath the surface, asit were. Okay, well false false.
It's actually a large internal organ compromisedoff erectile tissue that's similar in scale
(16:27):
to the penis. Yeah, exactly, KA, learn something new. You
see the external bit, but there'sa lot that you don't see that's beneath
it. It's actually very beautiful shapethe clitter is. You should look up
a picture it's not what you thinkit. I mean, many people are
surprised to see that and don't realizeit extends internally. So the P shape
(16:48):
button is the tip of the icecerg alrighty. Third question, true or
falls? Women always a chief orgasmduring six falls falls? I think so
too. Yeah, there you go. That's a very easy false for us,
I feel, because even if justyou and me don't always orgasm doing
(17:08):
sex, that statement is false.So it's anyway. Yeah, no,
it's false. Unfortunately, particularly forwomen, orgasm during penetrat of sex is
not as frequent as we might imagineor desire. That's right, So here's
the answer. False. In anIndian online study from twenty twenty, the
(17:30):
majority of men reportedly say they alwaysorgasm during sex, but only thirty percent
of women. Well, our listeneractually has a bit of a problem with
her boyfriend on this topic, andthat's why I'd like us to listen to
a third snippet of the conversation withher before we continue. My boyfriend he
(17:51):
really cares about me having a goodtime in bed, so he thinks that
I'm not having as good a timeas he is. How do I convince
him that I'm having an equally goodtime as he is in a way that
doesn't make him feel that. I'mjust saying it for the sake of it.
Lisa, what would you say toour listener? So I think,
(18:12):
I mean, I haven't gotten totalk to the listener myself, so I'm
making some assumptions here. But Ithink what I'm hearing is that for many
heterosexual women, penetrative sex doesn't alwaysresult in orgasm, and yet it can
feel nice and you're not having abad time. I mean, sex doesn't
have to end an orgasm to feelgood. But also a lot of the
(18:33):
things we love in heterosexual relationships aboutwhat heterosexual sex is like a so penetration
center. Like when we say theword sex, we think venis in vagina,
but sex, it doesn't have tobe sex. It's so much more
than penetration. And I mean oftenin heterosexual sex, the clitters, which
is a much more reliable route toorgasm, is entirely ignored. Most women,
(18:55):
or rather most people with valvas,do require some amount of clitteral stimulation
and to experience orgasm, penetration aloneisn't enough. And so I feel like
two things. One, it's niceto be able to communicate with your partner
about what turns you on and whatfeels really good, because it's different for
different people and ultimately only you arethe expert on your pleasure. But also
(19:17):
sex doesn't always have to end anorgasm to be great, Like, instead
of focusing on am I going tohave an orgasm, it's nice to sort
of be present in the moment andtake some of the pressure off, so
you know you aren't seeing it asthis goal oriented thing, but rather enjoying
things as they take place. Yeah, So coming back to our listener and
(19:40):
stepping into her shoes, if thatwas your partner, how would you approach
him to talk about this topic.Well, I wasn't able to quite understand
why he didn't think that she washaving a good time, But I think
talking about sex and not just whileyou're having sex, but like even in
non sexual situations, so that thereisn't any pressure. Often when you talk
(20:03):
about sex or trying to give feedbackor direction, if you haven't done that
before and it's the first time you'resaying something, it can be kind of
intimidating to the partner or they takeit personally or feel like they're not good
enough for something. I feel likebeing able to comfortably talk about sex,
you know, it really increases yoursense of connection and honesty with each other.
And being able to communicate with eachother about your pleasure and what feels
(20:29):
good and what doesn't, I thinkcan really also really make the sex better.
Yeah, I guess it's more aboutsharing, you know, what you
would like, rather than telling theother person what they're supposed to do.
I feel like, instead of thinkingabout the shoods and the woods and the
like scripts that have already been setby I don't know born and the patriarchy
(20:51):
and various other things, it's niceto discover your own genuine kind of relationship
to pleasure together, you know,instead of it like I should have a
big dick, and I should orgasmand I should you know what I mean?
Like, forget the shoulds and justfocus on what is you know?
Right well? In your line ofwork, I'm sure you faced judgment or
(21:11):
difficulties, especially talking so openly aboutsex in India. Do you want to
share a couple of difficulties with usand how you tackle them? So the
most part, actually, I feellike the response to my content has been
really positive like most people seem genuinelyinterested and genuinely just happy that somebody is
(21:33):
talking about it. I mean,on occasion, there'll be someone, I
guess mainly heterosexual man, who like, who would slut shame you say something
like, you know, only slutstalk about sex or something like that.
But I mean, I feel likethe word slut has long been reclaimed and
people are free to call me aslut if they want. But I mean,
if that's really your best argument aboutwhy I shouldn't be talking about sex,
(21:56):
because it's you with the problem,not me, you know. But
actually my project is so much aboutme as it is about starting these conversations
and encouraging more people to have them. So that's my goal. And I
think already I see that, Like, already there's more people even on the
Internet talking more freely. You know, people write to me being like I
talk to my kid about sex thanksto the video I saw about the importance
(22:17):
of talking to your parents about sex. So I talked to my boyfriend about
my pleasure because I saw your videoabout whatever, you know, the clitterest
and the misunderstanding of the g spotand things like that. So I feel
like it it's okay to talk aboutthis openly, then that's really what I'm
here to do. You know,I've learned a lot today. I have
learned a lot, and I havereally enjoyed our conversation. And I love
(22:41):
that your goal is to actually haveeveryone talk about sex more openly. So
yes, thank you for the wonderfulwork that you do, Lisa, and
thank you for being our guest today. Thanks for having me Evalen. It
was lovely talking to you. Andthank you to our listener for sending in
(23:02):
her question and being vulnerable about herproblems in the matter of love. And
I really hope that you know youwill have a more open conversation with your
parents as well as your boyfriend aboutall matters of physical intimacy and sex and
pleasure. And I hope that youknow our conversation with Lisa today helped you
(23:25):
to find the right words. Andthat's it for today. If you have
a question in matters of love,please write us at love Matters at DW
dot com. Until next time.This is Evelyn Sharma and I think love Matters
Hey everyone, Evelyn charmaher This week. The whole Love Matters team is hard
at work on exciting new topics withfabulous guests, and so while we're busy
doing that, we thought we'd revisitone of my favorite episodes from season one
of the podcast. Season one wasa slightly different format where we also featured
listeners sharing their experiences regarding relationship,sex, and body image struggles, and
(00:26):
we had a quiz in each episode, so you'll get to hear all that
in this upcoming conversation that I hadwith sex educator Lisa Mangaldus. I loved
this conversation. It was so interestingand validating speaking to Lisa about female pleasure,
save sex and consent and so muchmore. I hope you enjoy it
(00:46):
as much as I did. Heyguys, this is Evelyn Sharma and you're
listening to Love Matters, my newpodcast in collaboration with Indian Express and DW
(01:11):
Germany's international broadcaster. This podcast isall about relationship topics that matter to you
and me. In every episode,we'll hear from a listener with a challenge
in matters of love, and we'llhave amazing guests on who can talk to
the issue from their own experience.Today's topic is a rather touchy one.
(01:32):
Can we talk about sex openly?Please? I'm sure a lot of our
listeners have been frustrated with this topic, but here love matters and so that's
the act of love making. Ourguest today is Lisa Mangaldus, a sex
positivity content creator and educator. Lisais very popular on YouTube and Instagram,
(01:53):
and I'm sure you guys have checkedher out already. Her topics are everything
from safe sex to send to femalepleasure, and her aim as to normalize
openly talking about sex. Welcome tothis show, Lisa. We're so happy
to have you. Thank you somuch for having me, Evelyn. It's
so good to be talking to you. Before we start and get into our
(02:15):
conversation, we'll hear from a listenerwith a real life problem. This time
we hear from a young listener inBangalore who wants to be more open about
sex. I'll play some snippets froma conversation that we recorded before the show,
and in the first one, shetalks about a very awkward moment recently
with her mom. Let's have alisten, hey, Evelyn, I'm twenty
(02:37):
for your more female calling from Bangalore. I wanted to share an experience.
My mom found an emergency morning billin my bag and confronted me about it,
and in a haste, I justtold her that it was a prank
that someone played on me. Shenever really pushed for it. She never
asked me any more follow up questions, but I really really wish that she
had. I wish all parents talkopenly about sex with their kids. Listening
(03:04):
to her voice, note Lisa,what advice do you have for her?
And tell us about your life.Were you able to talk openly about sex
with your parents. I feel verylucky to have had extremely open and sort
of non judging parents. They werenever discouraging of any sort of question or
curiosity, so it always felt safeto ask if we had a question.
(03:27):
And I was a very nerdy kid. I loved reading when we were little.
We have these like Childcraft Encyclopedia series, kind of like a really good
textbook, at least for the timethey probably have. They probably seemed so
dated now, but this was inthe nineties, so I definitely think I
saw really beautiful illustrations of like varioustypes of processes in the natural world.
(03:49):
You know, even flowers technically reproducesexually, right, So that was also
something that we could talk about.My parents talked about contraception, talked about
scent and you know things like that. I feel really lucky to have had
a really supportive environment. Yeah,I think that is very lucky, especially
when it comes to Indian families.Usually we're a little bit more conservative and
(04:14):
shy to talk about the topic.And you know, maybe on your wedding
night we'll have a little chat.Just like our listener who's struggling to talk
openly with her mom, do youhave a bit of advice for her,
Do you have a tip off youknow from the other side, basically if
you don't have such open parents.I think that's a hard one. I
mean it's sometimes can even come withreally scary consequences for young people, especially
(04:39):
in our cultural context, where likeparents might punish you, you know,
if they find out that you're sexuallyactive or especially as a young woman.
It's really sad. But I dothink that sometimes easing into the conversation,
you know, maybe you're watching ashow together like Sex Education on Netflix or
Sex Explained, or something which allowsfor like a neutral third party to be
(05:00):
bringing up these topics and instead ofturning the TV off, you watch it
together and maybe talk about it after. Maybe that can use some of the
pressure instead of being like you know, talking about your sex life and having
your parents potentially punish you all.But I do hope that our generation and
younger generations and I mean anyone whohasn't yet had a child, can think
(05:21):
about how we don't want to perpetuatethis. You have decided to become a
sex positivity influencer, and I wantto know a little bit more about the
professional side of it. Where didit start where you said, Hey,
I want to know a lot moreabout this topic, and I actually want
to become an educator. When Iwas in college and I was fortunate to
(05:44):
get a scholarship to Columbia University inNew York City, and another thing I
did while I was there was Iwas an RA, which is like,
you know, you're in charge ofa residence hall, your residence, a
resident advisor, where you're looking afterthe kind of well being general well being
of the student on a floor ina hall. And so part of what
we had to do was like consenttraining workshops where we talk about consent and
(06:06):
like I had a bag of condomson my door, so students had easy
access to protection and things like that. And by myself was like eighteen or
nineteen years old, right, andI felt so lucky to be able to
come of age and have my firstsexual experiences in this environment that was really
sex positive and where people were havingthese conversations, where the college itself was
(06:29):
taking the initiative to you know,try, and I mean, so much
more can be done. I reallythink sex education globally is lacking. It's
not just an India problem. AndI even think within the US, I
mean, little pockets like New YorkCity or San Francisco or something are very
progressive about these things. But ifyou look at the abortion laws, and
I mean the state of affairs onmany sex related things, whether it's you
(06:49):
know, rights for the LGBTQ pluscommunity or abortion or laws against trance identity
and things like that, I mean, the US is for a developing country,
it's quite shocking where they are.But so I don't want to say,
oh, the West is better inIndia is not good. That's not
how it is. I think thisis a global problem, Like it's quite
a sex negative world. I waspretty shocked when I came to India and
(07:11):
I came actually from a very conservativechurch background, and I came to India
and everything was actually about sex.I felt like, you know, every
poster for a movie is oozing sexualenergy, every song is about some sort
of sexual act, but then noone really talks about it. Yeah,
(07:34):
you bring up a lot of interestingpoints, and I think it's like worth
thinking about the fact that female sexualityand women's sexuality is typically utilized in advertising,
marketing, and entertainment to sell everythingfrom movies to gods, I mean
alcohol, you name it. Likethe media is so ready to sexualize women,
but society doesn't like to allow womenany sexual agency. You know,
(07:58):
you're like a product to be consumedby the viewer, but you're not allowed
to actually talk about, celebrate,or do anything yourself. You know what
I mean. It's like packaged forthe mail, gaze buy men for mail
consumption. You know, we're allpart of this conditioning. But I wanted
to know what exactly do you meanwhen you say sex positivity or when you
(08:20):
say we live in a sex negativeworld. I mean, different people use
different words, So I just wantyour definition on it. Sex positivity for
me, is like a judgment freeattitude to sex. You know, sex
positive doesn't mean you have to gohave lots of sex. You can be
asexual and still be sex positive,and you can have had many partners and
still be sex negative. It isn'tabout necessarily having lots of sex, but
(08:43):
rather not judging other people's sexual choices, not seeing sex as this bad,
wrong, shameful thing, you know, instead seeing it as a potential source
of joy and wonder and like apositive thing. Basically, Lisa, you
bring up a lot of interesting pointswhen you say that, you know,
we are so conditioned by the informationthat we get, and we have Actually
(09:05):
a second part from the conversation withour listener, she has a couple of
problems with information as well. Let'slisten to her again. I had to
do all of my research, andthe Internet is just so huge in terms
of the information it has. Sohow does one filter the information? What
(09:28):
sources are good, what sources arebad? How does one know? That
is such a good question, andI think a lot of our listeners are
really interested in the answer. Lisa, do you have any advice for our
listeners? Do you have any tipsfor good resources. I think it's so
important to be discerning as a somebodylooking for an answer on the Internet.
(09:50):
It's so important to try and seekout sources that are credible and that are
scientifically accurate in judgment free when you'relooking for, you know, information about
your sexual health or something like that. But I also think it really is
worth if you have a concern that'sactually, you know, manifested already,
if you have an actual medical thinghappening to you, instead of trying to
(10:13):
self cure it. I think ifyou have access to a good doctor.
I mean, I think one ofthe most valuable relationships in my own life
is with my gynecologist. And ittook a long time to find one that
I could trust and one that Ifelt comfortable with and one who I felt
was really non judging. And I'msad that it can be a bit of
a process to find that, butI think it's well worth the effort,
(10:35):
because when you are trying to figureout, you know, something like what
contraception is best for you, ifyou want to move beyond condoms to something
else, or if you just havea vaginal infection or I don't know,
whatever, other concern. Ye,to be able to go to a doctor
and get expert advice, I thinkis something that I wish everybody had the
privilege of doing. You know,sometimes a WebMD or some sort of internet
(10:58):
based self diagnosis isn't always accurate,and so I would I understand in some
cases people just don't have access toa doctor or gynecologist, and so they
have no choice. But if youdo have the choice, and if you
do have the luxury of accessing agood doctor, I think it's also really
a relationship worth cultivating. Yeah,what kind of problems do you feel can
(11:20):
the lack of right information lead to? You know, I mean, let's
take, for example, the veryprevalent misunderstandings around virginity and the hymen,
and the complete misunderstanding of the anatomyof the hymen has been used to like
perpetuate so much violence in this regard. Like you know, in several cultures,
(11:43):
if the woman doesn't bleed on herwedding night, she can be killed
or abandoned or all kinds of awfulways of ostracizing her right you know,
end up taking place. When actually, first, firstly, it shouldn't even
matter whether somebody has had sex ornot. I mean, right, that
is the premise of this is alreadyflawed. But there's also a complete misunderstanding
(12:05):
of the anatomy of the hym andit is not necessary for all people who
have not had penetrative intercourse before toblied the first time they do. That
The hymen is a stretchy tissue.It's not a wall that just you know,
seals your vaginal opening. I mean, otherwise even period blood wouldn't be
able to come through, right,I think, yeah, a lot of
women are scared of this pain alsothat they associate waste having sex. But
(12:28):
you have a wonderful YouTube channel andof course your Instagram that I follow now
too, and you put up alot of content to educate, and you
get a lot of questions. I'msure too, what are the most common
concerns that people have? I mean, you mentioned pain during sex. I
think a lot of people do havethat question, questions around first sexual experiences
and whether they will hurt. Ithink again, there's like this misinformation around
(12:54):
how sex just is painful for women, you know, and so often it's
actually a lack of sufficient for playand lack of sufficient lubrication that leads to
pain doing sex rather than something that'sinherently just the way things are for women,
Do you know what I mean?Yeah, I feel like women's pleasure
is insufficiently prioritized and they've kind ofmade to feel like pain is just path
(13:15):
for the cost. But that's acompletely misconstrued kind of take on things.
You know, sex can be verypleasurable for people, regardless of what sort
of body or gender or whatever theyhave, you know, and I also
think there's a lot of questions aroundour sex can be more pleasurable. People
are so curious about orgasms. Howdo I orgasm? So many people women
(13:37):
particularly say they've never had an orgasmand wonder why that is. You know,
we don't talk enough about the clitterest. A lot of people also want
to know more about masturbation and whetherit's okay to masturbate. You know,
there's a lot of shame, Ithink still, but people are recognizing that
this thing that feels good and makesthem less stressed out and sleep better and
(13:58):
get also helps to get to knowyour own body. But surely it can't
be a bad thing. So there'sa lot of curiosity around that, right
So on your YouTube channel. You. Oh, that is the sound for
our quiz. Every episode, ourproducers prepare a little quiz for us,
(14:18):
for me and the guests to guessaway and test our knowledge on the topic.
This is the sound when we guessright, and this is the sound
when we guess wrong. So,since it's a surprise quiz, our producer
is going to send me the questionon my phone and we'll have to guess.
(14:39):
Today's quiz is a true or falsequiz about sex Smith with three questions.
First question true or false? Lisa, we have to get this together.
Pulling out before ejaculation is safe falsefalse. I think so too.
(15:00):
Let's hear it. Yeay, whyis it false? You know, the
withdrawal method is something that a lotof people rely on the absence of condoms,
So I mean, we've got tolike address it. You know.
Also, it's hard to control whenexactly you're ejaculate. So while someone can
try and convince you if there willpower, there's still a lot of trust
(15:20):
involved in terms of you hoping theywon't actually ejaculate, and they're hoping they
won't actually ejaculate, And so whywould you take this big risk when there
is much much more reliable. Imean, you know a contraceptive methods available,
whether it's condoms or bills or iuds or whatever it is, that
might be right for you if you'veboth been tested for STDs, etc.
For me, it's just not worththe risk. Why it's not a reliable
(15:43):
method. That's right here, Ihave the answer here for us, it's
false. Pulling out isn't a veryreliable way to prevent pregnancy. A barrier
method like a condom is better.Plus it doesn't prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
Here's our next question. True orfalse? The clitter is is a little
(16:03):
nub on the outside of the valvafalls in the sense that it's not only
the little nub, it also extendsinternally on the bulk of the clitteral body
is actually beneath the surface, asit were. Okay, well false false.
It's actually a large internal organ compromisedoff erectile tissue that's similar in scale
(16:27):
to the penis. Yeah, exactly, KA, learn something new. You
see the external bit, but there'sa lot that you don't see that's beneath
it. It's actually very beautiful shapethe clitter is. You should look up
a picture it's not what you thinkit. I mean, many people are
surprised to see that and don't realizeit extends internally. So the P shape
(16:48):
button is the tip of the icecerg alrighty. Third question, true or
falls? Women always a chief orgasmduring six falls falls? I think so
too. Yeah, there you go. That's a very easy false for us,
I feel, because even if justyou and me don't always orgasm doing
(17:08):
sex, that statement is false.So it's anyway. Yeah, no,
it's false. Unfortunately, particularly forwomen, orgasm during penetrat of sex is
not as frequent as we might imagineor desire. That's right, So here's
the answer. False. In anIndian online study from twenty twenty, the
(17:30):
majority of men reportedly say they alwaysorgasm during sex, but only thirty percent
of women. Well, our listeneractually has a bit of a problem with
her boyfriend on this topic, andthat's why I'd like us to listen to
a third snippet of the conversation withher before we continue. My boyfriend he
(17:51):
really cares about me having a goodtime in bed, so he thinks that
I'm not having as good a timeas he is. How do I convince
him that I'm having an equally goodtime as he is in a way that
doesn't make him feel that. I'mjust saying it for the sake of it.
Lisa, what would you say toour listener? So I think,
(18:12):
I mean, I haven't gotten totalk to the listener myself, so I'm
making some assumptions here. But Ithink what I'm hearing is that for many
heterosexual women, penetrative sex doesn't alwaysresult in orgasm, and yet it can
feel nice and you're not having abad time. I mean, sex doesn't
have to end an orgasm to feelgood. But also a lot of the
(18:33):
things we love in heterosexual relationships aboutwhat heterosexual sex is like a so penetration
center. Like when we say theword sex, we think venis in vagina,
but sex, it doesn't have tobe sex. It's so much more
than penetration. And I mean oftenin heterosexual sex, the clitters, which
is a much more reliable route toorgasm, is entirely ignored. Most women,
(18:55):
or rather most people with valvas,do require some amount of clitteral stimulation
and to experience orgasm, penetration aloneisn't enough. And so I feel like
two things. One, it's niceto be able to communicate with your partner
about what turns you on and whatfeels really good, because it's different for
different people and ultimately only you arethe expert on your pleasure. But also
(19:17):
sex doesn't always have to end anorgasm to be great, Like, instead
of focusing on am I going tohave an orgasm, it's nice to sort
of be present in the moment andtake some of the pressure off, so
you know you aren't seeing it asthis goal oriented thing, but rather enjoying
things as they take place. Yeah, So coming back to our listener and
(19:40):
stepping into her shoes, if thatwas your partner, how would you approach
him to talk about this topic.Well, I wasn't able to quite understand
why he didn't think that she washaving a good time, But I think
talking about sex and not just whileyou're having sex, but like even in
non sexual situations, so that thereisn't any pressure. Often when you talk
(20:03):
about sex or trying to give feedbackor direction, if you haven't done that
before and it's the first time you'resaying something, it can be kind of
intimidating to the partner or they takeit personally or feel like they're not good
enough for something. I feel likebeing able to comfortably talk about sex,
you know, it really increases yoursense of connection and honesty with each other.
And being able to communicate with eachother about your pleasure and what feels
(20:29):
good and what doesn't, I thinkcan really also really make the sex better.
Yeah, I guess it's more aboutsharing, you know, what you
would like, rather than telling theother person what they're supposed to do.
I feel like, instead of thinkingabout the shoods and the woods and the
like scripts that have already been setby I don't know born and the patriarchy
(20:51):
and various other things, it's niceto discover your own genuine kind of relationship
to pleasure together, you know,instead of it like I should have a
big dick, and I should orgasmand I should you know what I mean?
Like, forget the shoulds and justfocus on what is you know?
Right well? In your line ofwork, I'm sure you faced judgment or
(21:11):
difficulties, especially talking so openly aboutsex in India. Do you want to
share a couple of difficulties with usand how you tackle them? So the
most part, actually, I feellike the response to my content has been
really positive like most people seem genuinelyinterested and genuinely just happy that somebody is
(21:33):
talking about it. I mean,on occasion, there'll be someone, I
guess mainly heterosexual man, who like, who would slut shame you say something
like, you know, only slutstalk about sex or something like that.
But I mean, I feel likethe word slut has long been reclaimed and
people are free to call me aslut if they want. But I mean,
if that's really your best argument aboutwhy I shouldn't be talking about sex,
(21:56):
because it's you with the problem,not me, you know. But
actually my project is so much aboutme as it is about starting these conversations
and encouraging more people to have them. So that's my goal. And I
think already I see that, Like, already there's more people even on the
Internet talking more freely. You know, people write to me being like I
talk to my kid about sex thanksto the video I saw about the importance
(22:17):
of talking to your parents about sex. So I talked to my boyfriend about
my pleasure because I saw your videoabout whatever, you know, the clitterest
and the misunderstanding of the g spotand things like that. So I feel
like it it's okay to talk aboutthis openly, then that's really what I'm
here to do. You know,I've learned a lot today. I have
learned a lot, and I havereally enjoyed our conversation. And I love
(22:41):
that your goal is to actually haveeveryone talk about sex more openly. So
yes, thank you for the wonderfulwork that you do, Lisa, and
thank you for being our guest today. Thanks for having me Evalen. It
was lovely talking to you. Andthank you to our listener for sending in
(23:02):
her question and being vulnerable about herproblems in the matter of love. And
I really hope that you know youwill have a more open conversation with your
parents as well as your boyfriend aboutall matters of physical intimacy and sex and
pleasure. And I hope that youknow our conversation with Lisa today helped you
(23:25):
to find the right words. Andthat's it for today. If you have
a question in matters of love,please write us at love Matters at DW
dot com. Until next time.This is Evelyn Sharma and I think love Matters
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